The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - Dogg Zzone 9000 - Episode 33, Moon Ball Cop

Episode Date: July 28, 2021

Seanbaby and Brockway are once again joined by bestselling author and licensed raconteur Jason Pargin to discuss Charles Fitzgerald, possibly the best liar who has ever lived. If he was telling the truth, we will gladly send our apologies to his corpse on the moon.

One nine hundred hot dog. One nine hundred hot dog. Out of podcast slams with maximum hype. Say hot dog podcast word. Yeah. When you taste that nitrate power, you're in the dog zone for an hour. Come on.

You know the number. One nine hundred. One nine hundred hot dog. One nine zero zero. One nine hundred hot dog. One nine hundred. One nine hundred hot dog. One nine zero zero zero.

Yeah. Nine thousand. Welcome to the dog zone. Nine thousand. The official podcast of one nine hundred hot dog dot com. The comedy hilarity website. I'm TV Sean baby from the internet. And this is how we talk at the start of every show.

And it sucks. And I'm sorry. With me as always. Robert Brockway. And Robert Brockway. I'm going to talk like this too. So you don't feel alone. Thank you.

Fart sound. Brockway fact. I've committed a felony with Anthony Ketus of the Red Hot Chili Peppers. No follow up questions. All right. No follow up questions. Well, um, joining us today.

Uh, someone who would describe himself as a professional podcast guest, uh, but a renowned author and crack legend, Jason Parjan. I cannot match your energy for this show. I did not know this was probably going to. I always, I just can't do it. You always skip ahead five or six minutes in when I, when I give up on it,

just got to power through. Yeah. So this is why in college when I did radio for like one semester, did sports for their, like their morning show, I couldn't, I couldn't keep up the energy. I don't have that. I don't have morning. I don't have morning sports radio energy,

especially in the morning. And I will admit, I admire all of the douchebags that Yeah. Shout out to the douchebags. Yeah. I can sort of generate it. Uh, it's one of the reasons I don't do cocaine is because I'm just fucking insufferable.

Like I'm already pretty bad, but like filled with cocaine, like it's that fucking welcome to the dog zone, 9,000 energy, and I can't stop it. I watch myself doing it. I can't stop it. So did the kids these days still do like the morning zoo radio host? Yeah, the kids do cocaine.

No. I love it. Dude, those morning radio host, does that still exist in the era of Spotify and all that? I know radio is still a thing, but is that still like an industry? Like they all got wagons. But I, I can't, I can't imagine even hearing it.

It's still on the radio. Like I mostly just listen to the radio in the car because my phone sucks and doesn't want to do Bluetooth. Right. So I gave up and I'll just listen to like classic rock station and the classic rock guys are still exactly classic rock guys. They have not changed.

They have not acknowledged a single thing. Nothing has changed in the river of time for them. They're still just put them back in 1975 and they'd be doing the same thing. Do they still talk over the first part of the song? Yes, they do. And the last, they'll come in. Yeah, they'll come in early.

Yeah. Cause soon as the lyrics end, it's like, well, they're, yeah, that's the point. Nobody wants to hear the guitar solo that ends this song, the classic guitar solo that, like, so that's like, all right. It's, it's boner in the hound in the morning back, but with Rocktober fart sound.

Yeah. They had all the soundboard with fart sounds. Okay. I, if I'm going to have, you know, we could take this from the top and do a bit where that's just how we do the entire podcast. We promise we can't do that. My voice can't do that.

Jason's energy can't do that. Okay. At least one of us needs cocaine to do it. We've been told. So there have to be a break there where cocaine puts me straight to sleep. I just, I can't match that energy. That doesn't sound like good cocaine.

Maybe not. It might have been tricked. It's entirely possible that the kind of people I buy cocaine from were not on the level. What I'd like to talk about today is sort of the basic concept of lying under the framework of an article I did for the site called Charles Fitzgerald moonball cop. Greatest title ever written.

You'll never beat it. Yeah. That's, it's, I peaked already and that's fine. So this was a dude, I found him in a 1940s comic book. And at that point, he'd already been like, this was 30 year old news. It was just a guy who had a million jobs as a stuntman and as a cop and an air cop and a racer, a car racer

and a boxer. And he wanted to get launched to the moon in a ball. And so I was like, I'm just going to write an article about this guy. And obviously the source of my material was just a comic book page that wasn't even an ad for anything. It was just sometimes an old golden age comics. There'll be a page of just some guy who'd like ran

really fast or, you know, punched out a pigeon or something like that. You never know what they will honor just in the middle of a comic book for no reason. And so the facts didn't seem solid. So I did a lot of research. You, you laugh, but like, it seemed like within the realm of possibility for some of them.

And in fact, some of them were so mundane that it's just like, he was a produce dealer and a cigar store clerk. And he killed a man in the boxing ring and throwing that filler to throw him off. Yeah. Well, see, I guess, go ahead, Jason. I find this guy absolutely fascinating for two separate reasons.

One, because of the life he did live, like the things that can, I guess, be verified. And then for his embellishments in the way, like the specific phrasing of the way he told his stories, he is so full of crap that it is amazing, but it's almost like he didn't have to embellish. You know, he had a pretty good story. So that's why I love this guy.

I love this personality type. I've known people like this. Yeah, I love the guys. The guys, what the guy's name is Charles Fitzgerald, right? Yeah. Yeah. And he's great. It was so easy to just be like a professional liar.

I miss that. Of all the things the internet has taken away from us, I miss the profession of liar. See, that's, I was going to make the point that I think Jason's making that you kind of still can do it. You can, but it's not as fantastic. It's not, it's not like fun anymore. Like when I was a kid.

I feel like it was fun before. I had a, in elementary school, I had a classmate who claimed he had a hole in his yard that led straight to hell. There was no way to, no way to dispute that. You had to just believe him and see it. Unless you showed up at his house, there was no way. And I think you guys probably, you went to school with like the class, like the liar, right?

The kid that claims to go work at Nintendo and he got all the consoles earlier, but he couldn't show them to you because they're secret. Sure. Or he'd have to kill you. So does that kid exist now? Is that just not a thing? Cause anybody can instantly Google the name of the guy who

runs Nintendo? You've got the answer in your pocket. Like, yeah, yeah. What's his name? Look up his Twitter account. I feel like they still exist. And I think the main reason, uh, I think that is just like, uh, I don't want to talk about this for long, but Donald

Trump, like, like, here's a guy who literally lied 80 to 90% of the things he said. And he's not only like successful, but like kind of worshiped by this weird percentage of the population that just believe everything he says, sort of. And I feel like- Unless there's like an engine, unless there's a massive media engine backing you with like a sinister reason and

agenda to twist all of these lies into something that people should believe. You have to pass this threshold. You need an engine behind it. Like there's no, that kid I think is fucked now. Like unless, unless you, unless you start the engine early, unless he's got a grade school lie engine building. I think the point Sean was going to make is that people

wanted to believe those lies, right? So as the kid, you almost have to have been in a case where they want to believe what you're saying. Yeah. Like that, that helps a lot. I also feel like a lot of people, uh, instinctively just sort of played devil's advocate to everything. So if somebody says, uh, some outlandish lie, like I have

a hole to hell in my backyard, obviously most people are like, well, that's fucking stupid. You're an idiot. But then some people are like, well, you can't, there's a possibility there's a hole to hell. Or maybe he thinks it's a hole to hell and it's actually just like a hole to some lava. It could be a burning sinkhole.

They do have those in Centralia. Right. This is just a confused child. They'll informed about the nature of hell. And there's some people that find a lie to be sort of a, a fun puzzle to sort of decode, to turn it into what is close enough to truth, I guess. And, and so I think a liar can be successful if he gets near

enough people like that. Just gotta find his people. If that makes sense. But back in the days of Charles Fitzgerald, like even the news media, you couldn't verify anything. Like there was no, there were no databases or even paper records of anything back then. You could just say anything.

Yeah. Yeah. And I did a lot of research about this guy. I couldn't find a whole lot obviously because it was like from 1910 to 1915 when a lot of this happened. But someone on our discord actually tracked it down a little bit and they found him. He was registered with some circus.

And so that sort of explained why he was off the grid because we couldn't find him in any censuses. I don't know how he died. I think he died on the moon or he's still alive somewhere. Circus accident. Yeah. It was probably just really mundane. He fell in a septic tank or something.

But like he wasn't on any, what do you call it, the obituaries. And I discovered during my research that that industry has completely been taken over by like boomer grifters. And so when you look for someone's obituary, it's like looking for like a Nintendo ROM or something. Like you just get hundreds of like fishing sites. Like, oh, come here and pay us a dollar to verify your credit card to like look up obituaries.

So that's really difficult research to do. And that fucking sucked. And I had to throw that pure away. They romped the obituary. I didn't even realize the ROM thing until like last year when I don't even remember what the game was. I was like, let's play Blaster Master. I haven't played that in years.

And I went and looked them like, well, why is this like this? Why does the internet not work as good as it used to? Right. Yeah, they know that old people look for obituaries. And ROMs. ROMs now. They love old school Nintendo. And that's our obituary grift is ROMs.

Just certainly back for a moment. The whole deal with this guy, for people who didn't see the original column, which I assume is some of the listeners, is this guy has this long resume of incredible stunts like that he really shouldn't have survived. Yeah, we'll go through them. But the point is his and then his history just abruptly stops. Yeah.

And the whole thing is that he just apparently vanished from the universe. So the joke was like, well, what, what did this guy actually do that finally not only did he not come back from it, but nobody knows about it. Right. Because he told everybody about everything. And he'd clearly been trying to die for like 20 years straight.

He was wildly unsuccessful at it. It says he started at age 19. He was a Texas Ranger. We did not find any record of that, which is very suspicious because there is records of Texas Rangers. I would assume that was the kind of thing back in the day where you could just be like, hey, I'm a Texas Ranger. And people would be like, yep, you are now.

You said it. Yeah. Fair enough. Here's the badge. And the application is saying it out loud. The guy in our discord did actually find records of that. There is a whole lot of names that were not his from that era. And so that one is probably the first lie.

And then as the story goes, it's just a lot of mundane jobs. Like he was a clerk and a cow puncher and all that, which is not. I love that cow puncher is mundane. It's just a regular cow puncher. You walk up and you punch the cows. If I'm not mistaken. No, that means cowboy. If you're not as country as me.

He also became a boxer and his boxing story is really funny and probably filled with lies where he knocked the dude out just fucking instantly. Right. And then while he was celebrating, I guess they liked him in the bar. And so someone threw a bottle at his head and then knocked him out. And so he's like, okay, I got to get out of this boxing gig. But then his manager died because he got hit by a train.

And if it's okay, I would ask you to read the clipping that details that or I can because I have it in front of me. Oh, if you have it handy, please. This is from, I don't know what publication this was from where you found this. This is scanned from a newspaper or somebody who profiled him after he knocked down an opponent at a sporting club twice and had him sitting on the floor.

The spectators, he says, decided he wasn't to win. And here we're going to quote adventure cop. A pop bottle flew up and kissed me on the chin. And while my opponent was taking the count, I took it to and went off into slumber land. The way he talked, then his manager was killed by a train. Long Island City and Fitzgerald decided for this and other reasons to quit the ring for good.

And other reasons. There are other reasons. I don't, again, I don't like to glorify the past as I've made very clear in my other appearances that this was a time when you could be in a conversation with someone and they would just say, well, when relaying an anecdote to you. Yeah. Then he threw a pop bottle float and kissed me on the chin and I took

a trip into slumber land. And that was just the way people said things. Right. And also my manager died. Right. Hit by a train. It portrays, it portrays so much rehearsal of that story when you like have the whole, hey, it popped me on the chin and slumber land for

me, kid. Like you've, you've practiced this story in the mirror, buddy. Like, come on. Also, I do, if people have, do go to see your column, see the actual scan of the comic that they drew of this guy's life story. It's just, it's all just piled into a single panel. The image of that fight, they portray him. He's shirtless, obviously in the boxing meeting and they portray him as

like having no musculature at all. Yeah. Which is what strong men back then looked like. Like I do not doubt that Charles Fitzgerald, if we brought him into the present, that he could kick your ass, John. He would look like, like a clerk, like somebody. That guy spent 90% of his, 90% of his life in a body cast. I think I could take it.

Well, not, not in that. At the time of this fight. Yeah. This, this is before he broke every bone in his body 78 times. But I'm just saying people back then were like made of something different, but they didn't look like it all day fighting. Like he did not, Louis is sure off. He did not look like Chris Pratt does now in his movies that if he and

Chris Pratt were to fight, I, I'd know which one of them would die. Nah, them's showing muscles. Them's ain't using muscles. He came from a barbaric, uncivilized time. Watching him destroy a man would, would, would be unusual. Like that's like a wild bear. At a time when you didn't have machines to help you do anything. Like, like you, like the random jobs you took, whatever on the railroad,

like just routinely required you to lift things away, 200 pounds. You weren't doing it to look good at the beach. You were doing it cause that's, that's how you were going to make your five cents a month. And all with your back, just your lower back. Yep. If you wanted to stump out of your yard, you had to use your teeth. If you want to stump out of your yard, you could literally go down to the

hardware store and buy dynamite and blow it up. That's, that's true. And you're not glorifying, you're not glorifying the past here. Three, four children would die. It didn't matter. But yeah, I, my, my dad used to tell me stories and that at the farm, they had to get stumped at. I would just go get, go get dynamite.

I had just, they had just done a little basket by the counter. That's awesome. Right next to the little cocaine. We would just slowly chainsaw chunks off of it for like an entire year. See, we've devolved. Yeah. We could have used some dynamite as my point. So let's keep going with this guy's crate.

We covered his boxing and his manager got killed by the train. And then there's some other reasons he didn't tell about the other reasons. He's like, you know, that, that one, that one assault from the crowd and my manager exploding, you know, some other stuff. That's why I don't box anymore. So he said he was the first to stand on top of a plane while it did a loop. And he, this sounds crazy, right? He's unassisted standing on a biplane while it does a full loop.

And he, he invented this apparently. He said that he did the studies. And what were those studies? Well, what he did is he, he took a can from his landlady. What kind of can was this, Jason? The kind he says you used to rush the grower with. The grower with it. Right up as sexual as that sounds, it merely means what grower means now.

It means that you used to be able to bring your can to the bar because you were so poor that they would just put some beer in the can and you would just leave with it. And that was right. And it was like an old tin can from beer. But the detail that he includes, he had to borrow a can from his landlady. Yeah. Didn't have a can. Didn't have a can.

Even the can used as the symbol of like destitution. Oh, I love it. So he put a bean on this can. Borrowed that. And he had to borrow the bean on the string. And then he's swung it around and the bean stayed on the can and he's like, all right. So he, he's now proven centripetal force or centrifugal.

I'm one of them is imaginary. Do you know, I think centrifugal is the one that doesn't technically exist. It's an illusion we created. I don't think that's too. I don't think it's a podcast. Explain it doesn't matter. Yes, because you're not actually going in a circle. Your body wants to keep going in a straight line, but because the surface under your

feet is curving up, there's no such thing as a force that presses outward. It's your body just wanting to go in a straight line, which is how it slingshot works. So it's an imaginary force, but utterly irrelevant to this discussion. Can you prove this with some kind of string and bean symbol? He didn't know this force existed and did not trust any textbook telling him existed until he explained it with his own eyes. And I'm trying to imagine what that's a solid bean science right there. What else could have, could that bean have done that would have changed his mind?

Because there was nothing between the bean experiment and him renting a plane and a pilot, correct? Right. Exactly. And according to him, again, a known liar, he said that he, he hired a, a pilot who just didn't know what the fuck he was going to do because he didn't want this man to be responsible for his death because he was sure he was going to die. So he like, Craig's listed a guy that wouldn't ask any questions.

Just meet me on the field and in a biplane, I'm going to stand on the wing and just, just do a loop. Don't look at me. Don't ask any questions. This is like the eighth guy. He's killed that way. He doesn't have any questions left. Like, yeah, I've seen this before.

Yeah. Here's another one of these bean guys. Now, the scan of this event from the comic, it is a drawing of him staying on top of the plane and then a note under it. And do you remember what the note to the right of the plane? It says from a photo with a period. Which is okay. Is it though?

Because I haven't seen that photo. Because this is a photo that would have to be taken from another plane flying alongside it, correct? Yes. I feel like there's two lies going on here. Imagine being this good, this good at lying, where you could say, you could just tell them like a magazine wanting to publish a story about you. You'd be like, okay, I got a photo.

I don't have the photo. I'm going to describe it to you. I have a picture that was drawn from the photo. And that is proof because this is all from a photo. It's just amazing. So he does this trick, right? Theoretically, he does a loop on a plane. And already that's amazing, right?

I googled this. I don't think I found anything that qualified as proof that this exists other than in this one story. But he also adds to the story that the plane stalls out. Halfway through the loop, something fucks up. And the kid pilot isn't smart enough to lean on the plane the right way. And so he has to do it. While he's upside down, clinging on with just being science, he's pushing the plane with

one foot to restart it so it can finish the loop. That's in a newspaper. That's pure old-timey stump strength right there. We could spend the rest of the podcast just discussing this guy claimed he did. Yes. There are so many layers to this. Okay, for one, is any part of this true, including the being thing? Obviously, at some point, it becomes a lie.

I could not tell you with a gun to my head how much of this did he intend to do it? Did he do something kind of like it? Did he do something on a plane but not this? Well, I actually contacted a place that does aerial stunts. As a tourist, you can strap yourself to a plane and do this exact stunt. And I asked him. And I asked him, can I do this? Could you do this without a rope?

Would it work? And the guy got back to me. He says, yeah, we asked around and people say it's probably possible. But he did not say, sure, people have done this before. It's not my bad Googling. You want to try it? I'll meet you in a field. Because again, this guy does not claim to have trained for a year at different stages

to work his way up to this. First, I'm going to try to just get on the wing. Then I'll try to get on the wing while it's curving a little bit. Then I'll try it. And he just claimed, try it. Can being rented a plane that night? Boom. Being to suicide.

One step. Didn't even try it with a rope one time. Didn't try it with a bigger being or anything? Try 30 or 40 times with a safety harness and finally do it without the harness. No. Right. No. Just straight to that.

So that's the kind of guy he is. And so obviously, I didn't want to debunk a lot of the story because I think this is completely awesome, especially that he restarted the plane. The joke I make here is that after this, he should have been made captain of the skies and he very literally was made captain of the air police in New York City, which I looked at this. Oh, see? Ain't that always the way?

I mean, you sell out, you become the villain. You get this job by doing a loop on a plane and then you spend the rest of your life stopping other rad dudes from doing loops on planes. Well, the air police at the time was like a volunteer position and all they had was one by plane and it got shut down like a year later. Like it was just like this weird failed experiment because I don't know what crime you fight with one by plane in New York City in an era when no one else has a plane. Yeah.

There's no crime happening in the sky. So at best you can fly around and look for crime far below you, but you have no instruments. It's going to let you detect anything. But if the other if the one other guy that owned a plane in the country was a dick, you would need by necessity would need a plane to stop him. You need a good plane if he has a bad plane. I don't really know. He takes one plane.

But this was real. Charles Fitzgerald was above a crime and he saw the crime from his plane. There's zero chance he wouldn't jump out of that plane and try to land on that crime. Like he crashes that plane day one. Yeah, that's what happened. So, okay, but this is one where we do have a photo. This is the role we know that this part is true, that he was the sky cop in New York. I think so, yes.

We couldn't find an official record. New York City's sky police. But there is a picture of him in a police uniform and he's like jumping around on like girders. He's dangling from a girder what looks like hundreds and hundreds of feet above the city. Okay, right. Why did we assume planes? Nobody said planes. He was made the policeman of the sky.

He just had to go up and like hang off something. I'm the policeman. It's like chimpanzee swing around like Tarzan. It's like anything over 50 feet in the air. Even if it's in a building, that's the sky. It's the sky territories. So, okay. See, again, we could also do the entire podcast about this photo of him because he someone

was this the newspaper that photographed him. Did he hire a photographer? Did I was this a photo shoot that the police department did is like a publicity thing to boast that they had hired a sky captain who's only experienced. He had no police experience. And then his only experience with flight was having someone else fly a plane while he stood on top of it against, which is an act that is, I believe, already against the law at that time.

Probably. So, like everything about this is amazing because I don't know again. This is partially has to be a somewhat partially untrue to some degree or maybe not. I don't. You put a bean on that rafter and it stayed there. So, he knew it was safe. And then again, we have to read a clipping that is also magic. In the spring of 1915, he went in for aviation and not only devised new ideas for airplanes,

but was successful at flying until September 5th, 1917, when he fell. He was successful until he wasn't. So, was this prior to him? This was while he was in the Sky Aviation Cop, right? I think so, yes. The timeline, I tried to line it all up. It does not work. He spends far too much time in a body cast for any of this to work.

And there's a lot of crossover between the years he claimed he did something and the years newspapers claimed he did something. Just every time you cut him out of the body cast. Hot damn! Time to do something stupid. I've been thinking about it all year. Yeah, because it's true. He could have done some of this in a body cast.

There's no reason he could have been in a body cast while he did the plane loop. Yeah, there's one here about a car stunt. He could be in a body cast for that. He was probably in a body cast for that. There was one stunt he did that I loved so much where he was on a plane. I think this was for a movie. So, it might theoretically be verifiable. I couldn't do it.

He jumped off the plane going, I don't know, 70 miles an hour, I think they said. And he hit the ocean and just got fucking wrecked because you can't fall into the ocean going that speed. Nobody knew that before he tried it. Everybody was like, the ocean, it's soft. They didn't have good fall in the ocean science back then, so they thought he hit the bottom. The newspaper reported like, oh, he must have hit the bottom. That's how he got so injured. The bottom of the ocean.

Of the ocean. Straight to the bottom. Just like a fucking torpedo. It's okay. The issue with the overlap is actually in this clipping. I'm going to read this clipping that we have from his time as an aviation cop. The scan from, I guess, a microfiche that he found. In the spring of 1915, he went in for aviation and not only devised new ideas for airplanes,

but was successful in flying until September 5th, 1917, when he fell, comma, still going. This sentence is still happening. Receiving severe injuries which kept him in the hospital for nearly a year. I want you to think about how much ground was covered in that one sentence. Yeah. He learned to fly, invented new types of airplane, fell out of a plane, was in the hospital for a year.

Next sentence in this two sentence clipping. While he was recuperating, he participated in a Red Cross benefit with other daredevils by diving from a high building into a shallow tank of water, throwing aside his crutches, he says, to make the leap. All one sentence. Yes, he did it in body cast. Yeah, don't need crutches to fall, assholes. Pretty sure I can find my way to the ground.

And again, I want to be clear, the phrasing having been a professional former journalist, there's phrasing such as Fitzgerald claims, or Fitzgerald then says he, and here the newspapers back then is just, oh no, he devised new ideas for airplanes. He was successful until he fell out of a plane, had to recuperate for a year. While he was recuperating, he was in the hospital for a year, but he took a break from being in the hospital to jump off a tall building into a shallow tank of water, tossing aside his crutches. Wait, then he climbed back up, got his crutches,

did the jump again with the crutches so he could walk back to the hospital, finish his recovery. Who on earth would ever question you though? You're the newspaper, this guy's telling it to you, everybody assumes you did the research, especially back then they have, no Matt, what are they going to do? Go down to the newspaper office and ask for your proof? No, nobody's ever going to question this, you could do whatever you wanted. I found another thing that was funny about this era is I found the article very,

very similar or exact in like five or six different newspapers, like they would sort of do this, you know, junk it, I guess. So every paper across the country would run more or less the same articles. I guess they do that now, you get these press releases and you rewrite it, but I thought it was funny they still did that 100 years ago. Yeah, you could be a professional liar, that's what I'm saying. That was just the job.

That's how you are a professional liar. You come up with a series of real good lies and then you just tell them to everybody. And then they give you a fucking plane and make you a sky cop. You're like, yeah, sure. These stories are always so, it's so wonderful in the way that they're so like, they just plow straight forward. There's no time when you stop and like address questions, you know, the reader probably has.

Yeah, like what are the clean ideas he invented? Yeah, exactly. Did they become important? Did they become anything? No, that's not even its own sentence. That's not its own paragraph. Yes. It's like five words in a sentence that's mostly about something else

and you just throw that out there. And this is why like in the in the Simpsons, when they like grandpa Simpson would tell his old stories, they would just go on and on and on and be like, well, after taking a rocket to Louisiana, I did this. And that was a joke because there were old timers who talked like this. They would just throw stuff out. And the thing is some old timers had really crazy lives.

Like this was an era when, you know, everybody's career starts with, like I did really a column and crack years ago about Harlan Sanders, the Kentucky Fried Chicken guy. Well, he was a real life guy who had a crazy life. But it begins, you know, he's born in late 1890, same as a venture cop. And his biography is like, at age 13, he dropped out of school and joined the army. And then he quit, had four children and then worked on the railroad and then became an attorney.

And it's like after being shot in a courtroom by a client, he became a cattle rancher. It's like everybody back then, you could just hop from railroad man to farmer, to attorney, to scientist, to cop. There was like no training required for anything as far as I can tell. There's no say in the loud. That's your application. I'd like to be a Texas Ranger.

I feel like you can taste the depth of this backstory in his fried chicken sandwich, though. Yeah, it's like an experienced chicken. It didn't go to waste. It's in there. Yeah, Harlan Sanders did not start a Kentucky Fried Chicken until he was in his late 60s. That's like what he did in his retirement because he had done everything else. And just like every job ended with him like getting fired or getting beaten up by a co-worker or getting, you know, in the gas station, got into a gunfight with a neighboring gas station.

And again, I don't think... That's a good spot for a gunfight. I don't think he was lying. I think that's just what life was like back then. So some of it venture cop, some of what he's saying did happen. I don't doubt it because I don't, for example, I don't doubt back then if you gave like a pilot, you know, say like a pilot, like a crop duster or whatever they were back then, if you offer him a bottle of liquor to take you up in the sky and do something,

I do not doubt for one second that they wouldn't even ask questions. My problem if you fall off, I'll just, you know, I'll just land. Yeah. Who cares? Because that's the thing about a venture cop is like the whole thing is he doesn't care if he dies because back then people really didn't seem to be scared of dying because everybody just died all the time just around you. Like you were lucky to have lived this long in the first place. It's like...

Die a dysentery or I could die a bean stunts. I know which one I choose. Exactly. Yeah. Easy choice. There was another stunt they talked about where he, he jumped a motorcycle onto a boat and completely biffed it, like Evil Knievel style and another one where he drove a car off a bridge and I found two articles describing this.

I still don't know what the fuck happened. He threw the dummies out of the car on the way down and then he bailed out of the car. So many questions and you've skipped over everything. Yes. You jumped out, you jumped in the car and you were airborne for so long you threw three dummies out. Three dummies out. To quote the clipping from the comic book.

Quote, Fitz. They call him Fitz. Did everybody? I guess it doesn't matter. Nickname. Fitz was one of the first movie stuntmen. If that's true, that should be documented somewhere. Yeah, we should be able to check that one, right?

Like in the Hollywood stunt performer Hall of Fame, right? I guess he recognized. You would think. In any way as an actual Hollywood stunt performer. I don't think so. I found no evidence of this. First quote, Fitz was one of the first movie stuntmen. Once he drove an auto off a 90 foot bridge and threw three dummies out before jumping.

No stunt was too dangerous for him. Like, okay, no further explanation needed. Readers back then read that. Like, yes, I am satisfied that I know everything I need to know. All the pertinent information has been answered. I feel like anyone who's ever taken anything out of a car knows this to be impossible. Like, no matter how high that bridge is. Right.

That's like 30 seconds airtime. Yeah. And a fantastic liar. He's the best liar. It seems like there should be a famous movie where like a car drives off a bridge and then hilariously three dummies fly out of it. Like, I feel like we would have seen that clip, right? That's what I'm saying.

What a fantastic liar. It's because he picked something that by its very nature is provable. Like, you have to prove this. You should be able to go on IMDB and search his name and find that movie. Like, that's, you know, there's union stuff. People fucking love old timey, like stunts where they actually did that stuff. Every single one is gone viral on YouTube. Yeah, I've seen Buster Keaton fall through that stupid window a million times.

I'm saying we should be sitting here talking about the time a car drove off a bridge and three dummies flew out and then a real life human guy. And just, just fell to his death, I guess. Just fell to like another year in a body cast. Yeah. I guess you die falling 90 feet in a car. He jumped out himself. It's so good.

By the way, this, this clipping where you learned about him jumping the motorcycle onto a departing boat off a dock onto a departing ferry or something. Uh-huh. It's the, again, the clipping is about something else. It's about how he started working as a construction worker. Yeah. It's the lead. Filmed him's most daring stunt flyer quits game, worked with Pick, Shovel, Long Beach,

California, June 11th by Cosmopolitan News Service. It isn't as thrilling by any means, but my gosh, it's a whole lot safer. And it kept in Charles in Fitzgerald today as he dug a pick into the ground at a construction job. Charles Fitzgerald, up to a few months ago, was known as the world's most daring death defier, aerialist and stunt, quote, man for film companies. One of Fitzgerald's stunts was to jump the motorcycle 45 feet from a ferry slip to a departing boat.

It cost him six months in the hospital. That's it. That's the end of the, no questions will be answered or asked from this point that has been thrown in and an aside about the fact that he has retired from doing stunts. But two weeks after he got out of the hospital, he, uh, go from there into the ocean and was helpless for weeks. That's how the newspaper puts it. Helpless for weeks.

They didn't have any word for like intensive care. To just add some like legitimacy to his claims, he would just be like, man, that fucked me up. Oh boy. Yeah. Don't try that. Yeah. Six months.

He never claimed to be invincible. He always did. He always, part of his exaggeration was how much. You're very good at it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Cause again, I really like too that, uh, he delivered this line while like digging

a hole with a pick and he's like, it's a whole lot safer Grin Captain Charles while he drove a pick into the land. It's like, there's no way they interviewed him while he was like literally digging a hole. Right? No. Like even the newspaper men are like, you know, this is embellishments a little bit. Let's like, let's make this scene a little more cinematic.

It's just all, it's all funny to me. Just the whole world of lies, the way that they all lived in. Because the audience, like they demanded whimsy, like they weren't going to question it. There was no effort to even, you know, like expound on the details because that would only, it's like, no, I just, it's, it's like, you know, it's, it's like, you know, the legend of Billy the kids and all the crazy things he did, it's George Washington chopping down the cherry tree. Like it's all just legend.

We don't care. Right. Was there even such a thing as a skeptic? What's that? Like, can you imagine an old timey skeptic? I can't even picture it. I can't picture like a guy and guy in an old timey suit being like, I don't buy it. See, I just, I can't do it.

Um, here's all the reasons that you can't throw three dummies out of a car. They'd fucking hate that guy. They'd just kill you. They would murder you right out. Or even having another professional stunt person say, you understand that the point of being a professional stunt person is not that you destroy yourself. And actually, the point is you, you actually train yourself and you arrange the stunt so you do not get hurt unless it goes wrong.

Like then you could do more than two in your life. If you just jump off a bridge into a hundred feet of water and break every bone in your body, that's literally not a stunt. You've just, you just did that. He just did that. Literally anyone on earth can do that and break every bone in their body. The point of a stunt man is that they're, they do it and they bob to the surface and they're okay or with maybe some minor bruises or whatever.

Like, but he was just like hardly ever okay. That's my favorite part of this. He's just like, he's not good at it. I was no good at it, but I kept trying. Like if it like David Blaine, when he switched from doing up close street magic to doing like his stunts where he put himself in like a block of ice or whatever, if every time he just had to like go to the hospital for a year because he destroyed several parts of his body.

It's like, well, why did you do that? Or were you trying to prove other than that you just wanted attention? And that was a successful trick because you did it and you lived. Yeah. I guess, yeah, not dying because even in his Hollywood stunts, like no movie company is going to boast that, oh yeah, this is our stunt man. We, we just chucked himself into the river and went to the, had to go to the hospital for six months afterward.

It's like, no, not even back then did, did movie companies work that way? I don't think because you kind of need those people to come back and do more stunts for other scenes. Yeah. I think human life had some value back then enough that you had financial value. Like if you're shooting a picture, you can't have your, like sacrificing, you like, you know, and who paid us hospital bills. I know that granted a six month stay in the hospital was only like $13 back

then, but still somebody had to pay it. Yeah. I also feel like if you took a guy who say was like a, you know, convicted murderer and just threw him off a bridge for a movie, I think even back then people would have like an ethical issue with that. Like you can't just, you can't just murder people for a movie. I don't know. It's not a bad, now that I say it out loud, it's not a bad idea.

I think that probably was, I feel like instead of lethal injection, someone on death row could ask for death by spectacular stunt. I think you'd get a lot of takers. I would absolutely do that. I will admit, this is admitting some possible racism on my part. But the first time I saw the movie, The Raid Redemption, I thought they have killed stuntmen to make this. Yeah.

Like there's one dude that falls a floor onto like a railing and like snaps his spine and it doesn't look CGI. And I'm just like, how, how did they do that? Did they just kill that guy? Well, I mean, Jackie Chan does outtakes where people basically die. Like, I don't think it's that racist when they actually film it and show you. Like, yeah, this, this person just broke their neck doing this motorcycle stunt. Yeah.

Cause the movies from Indonesia, and I literally had the thought like, is it possible that there they're allowed to just chuck people off a railing? But yeah, obviously no, they, they worked very hard to, to make it appear that that guy cracked himself in half, but great job. There's a spot you see a lot in Hong Kong movies where a guy will fall from the second story and hit a table on the first floor. And it just looks like nothing other than like a death. Like every time I see it, I'm like, that dude's dead.

It must, it must work because I've seen that exact stunt so many times. Anyway, there's another thing I loved about the next story in Charles Fitzgerald's life story. He says he did character acting also in Western studios. And I'm quoting the newspaper here. Found his emotions were becoming stagnant and took to parachute jumping in Oregon. Now he formed a team called Godaya, Godaya and Fitzgerald. And this was just him and two brothers named Godaya.

And they just were parachute jumpers. I don't know what that means. I don't even think they had stunt shoots back then. So you would just sort of jump out of a plane and land wherever the wind took you. So they barely had planes back then. We've established there was one, but you could just climb up a building, I mean, I can't believe somebody had invented parachutes by this point. I thought that was much later.

I thought that was like a World War Two era thing. Well, they're probably the first guy that just straight fell out of a plane, which might have been Charles Fitzgerald was like, hmm, we should work on that. Let's try it again. Like priority number two after inventing plane. I'll hold a bean in each hand in six months in the hospital. I mean, putting a bean in a kerchief and throwing it off a roof. I was like, yeah, that'll work.

The kind of kerchief you use to pinch the wiggler. So here's what happened with that parachute company. The elder. Hold on. Can we rewind to how they his emotions had become stagnated? They were stagnant. I guess that means bored. He's just like emotions became stagnant within me. Because I wasn't dying constantly.

Yeah, being a cowboy anyway. He has a three person. This is a great story. We need to let you know we had a three person parachuting team. I'm quoting the newspaper. The elder Gadiah presently passed on by biting through the teeth strap by which he was suspended in a parachute descent, which means these guys were paired, the stunts they were doing was like hanging by their mouths and shit.

And it did not work by biting. Wait, he he bit through the teeth strap by which he was suspended. That's what the newspaper says. That's the beginning and the end of everything we know about the stunting which this man died. You honestly, Robert, you have many questions about this. You're never going to get answers to them. The will ever be answered.

These guys are the masters of no follow up questions. Yeah, I have lessons to learn from the gurus here. Just my if you're hanging the stunt is that I'm going to hang from a strap from this parachute. The one thing you would want to test is am I going to bite through that strap? Will it hold up to human teeth? Could I just bite straight through it? And they did not test that and just got up there and was like, what?

Oh, this is just jerky. Oh, fuck. And I also feel like a parachute jumping team doesn't have a huge budget to replace your teeth strap every time. Just nod through it. And again, as I stated at the top, Charles Fitzgerald is amazing for two separate reasons. One, if this really happened, it's incredible.

If this is a lie that Charles Fitzgerald told, it's even better. Yes. Why would you say this? You like, did Godia and Godia, the other two, did they ever even exist? Because I know the story is going to continue, which is I want. I want the listeners to keep that in mind as we explain how the rest of this played out, a if it really happened, B if it's something he just told the reporter to explain something worse. But why to cover that?

Well, I'll let you make the be the call. Here it comes. That left the team as Godia and Fitzgerald after the first guy died. In a short while, the second Godia met his fate by landing on live electric wires. And that left only Fitzgerald. End of story. End of story. Were there two or three?

Double elsewhere. Was there a lawsuit? Did this happen on camera? Did this happen from an audience? Was this part of a page show? Was it part of a movie stunt? Do we know that watch this guy fall into electric wires and died? Did they get him down?

Yeah, if it happens, leave him there for for a film shoot. Did this what was the movie? Did the studio get in trouble? No, no end of sentence. Sorry, knocked out half the Western Seaboard. These, I think, were probably the dummies in quotes that he threw out of that car. And this is the story he used to cover for that. Just it escalated over time until it became the three man parachuting team.

What if he was just a traveling serial killer and he kills these two brothers and he's like, oh, yeah, they were my parachute jump partners. And oh, yeah, that guy, I electrocuted him for several days. I mean, he fell into the power lines. This guy, he chewed through his tooth strap. He what? And his what? Is that not it?

Not his basement restraint strap. His parachute to tooth strap. None of these are things. So now we've come to the point in Charles Fitzgerald's life where he wants to get sent to the moon and the way the way in every man's life, every man's life. Now, the way this happened, I did a lot of research on this. I found a book in 2001 about Sputnik, the about the space race.

And some dude named Professor Goddard sort of speculated like what it would take to send something to the moon way back in this era, like 1910s. And he was like, we don't have the math for it. Like the moon is spinning. Earth is spinning. We're all rotating. You'd have to shoot the bullet so hard that whatever is inside the bullet would melt and your bullet would probably take that challenge. Yes. So this is just a dude wildly speculating on how difficult

it would be to send something to the moon. And he was right. It's hard. But at the technology they had at the time, it would have been like shooting a cannon at the moon. And because, of course, we did have jets and thrusters and things like that. And so people heard this and were like, I want to go to the moon because, as Jason has mentioned, like life back then sucked so hard that a spectacular death was the best you could hope for. So just hearing the idea that a moon trip was possible,

so many people all around the world were just like, yes, sign me up. I will be in it. And Charles Fitzgerald like made it his fucking life's mission. I found several articles where he's just like proudly saying how he'll go to the moon. And there became sort of an arms race of who had the fewest demands. Like one guy was like an Air Force guy and he's like, I'll go to the moon. If you can prove to me that you can do it first in a rocket and there's a two way radio.

And Charles Fitzgerald is like, that guy fucking sucks. I'll do it. Just stick me in the ball. I'll fucking take it against the moon. Show me that a beam can make it. Yes. He wasn't even asking that. He got grown his foolish bean phase. I can't believe I was such a coward testing on a bean. And what was really funny to me is that I found

some articles from Goddard later about how pissed off he was that he became the moon ball guy because he's like, dude, I was trying to explain how hard it was. I didn't I'm not fucking building a moon ball. Why is it writing me letters about moon balls? My emotions have stagnated. Fire me at the moon. So that was him. He lobbied to get shot to the moon, obviously, did not happen.

Or maybe it did. And he didn't tell anyone you don't know. He didn't even have a radio. He disappeared. He disappears at the end of the story. So I choose to believe he got fired at the moon. The comic book speculated. I couldn't find any information of this, but the comic book I originally found said he was the last they heard, and that's a quote, what he was a cop in a South American sex. We heard.

Yeah, last we heard and they heard he was doing great. But I could not find this information. So that's it. That's all we know is that one comic book ad claimed that he moved to South America and became a, I guess, a Brazilian cop, a Argentinian cop. Well, they claim they heard that. Somebody just like they like overheard that somewhere. We're like, oh, good for him.

I'll put that in the newspaper. Sure. But in real life, I found nothing. No obituaries. I think maybe Goddard just to get everyone to shut the fuck up, put him in a moon ball and detonate him against the sky. And we're we just got to find him. That's our next big moon trip. We got to go up there and we got to find his glorious corpse. Somehow with still just a ragingly erect boner, because you know,

you know, fired from that moon ball. He was just rock hard the whole time. There's a big crater and then a smaller crater from his dick crater. One thing I guess now thinking back that he mentioned, he had all these great ideas for airplanes, what I wouldn't pay to see his ideas for airplanes he came up with in his time, but I'm sorry. I'm scrolling through the article and there's this final clipping.

I guess not if it's the final clipping, but it's while he's in the middle of insisting he go to the moon. I guess he did a photo shoot where he danced on a girder for a while. And it's a it's a photo of him laying across like keeping himself pinned to a girder high above the streets, below with like his ankles and smiling at the camera. And the caption is can't the Charles and Fitzgerald aerialist and daredevil, who is in command of New York's Air Police,

performed daring and thrilling stunts on top of one of New York's new skyscrapers. He's in uniform in this photo, by the way. That fairly raised the hair of persons watching from Broadway, hundreds of feet below him dancing and walking out on narrow, narrow steel girders, hanging by his hand, standing on his head and other thrilling stunts were nonchalantly gone through by Captain Fitzgerald. Quote, just to keep in trim, unquote, he said, I don't doubt it. His, his, his agility and daring made even the most hardened iron workers

at work on the building gas. Captain Fitzgerald's home is in Texas. The company photograph shows him pulling some of his hair raising stunts. Broadway can be seen far below. So I have 800 questions about this. One, he lives in Texas. Two, he's the captain of the New York's Air Police still at this time. Sure.

Three, he had, they apparently did not care if in uniform he went just walked around on this building, this construction tower that they were still working on. They didn't like close it down for this stunt. He just went out there while iron workers are trying to build the building and started dancing around with no wires or anything. He would just seem like a really bad iron worker. They're like, yeah, dude, we built that so you could walk on it, not

stand on your head on it, but like you're doing high stinks, mucky bars. Like this isn't danger. I guess my point is it's not at all clear to me what his actual profession was in this moment in time. Liar. Was he on the clock? Did the New York City Police Department know he was on there? Was he on their payroll?

Was it like just? No, there's no way. There's no way he was actually he showed up with a uniform and possibly a stolen plane who would ever question that? And at this time, when they're like, well, you got to have cops for the sky right now, like, yeah, I guess so. That's me. I'm your sky cop.

That's the end of the story. No, no policeman would ever question that. They'd be like, huh, well, you do have a plane, nobody has a plane. Not to bring up Stephen Seagal again in this podcast, because I know what he comes up a lot, but is it possible it was like a publicity thing where he like they like made him like an honorary policeman just for like these publicity photos and stuff is like to connect with the kids or whatever, because I'm sure that at the time airplanes had to.

It seemed like the cool thing. Everybody. Right. So is it like that thing where Stephen Seagal got to be like an honorary deputy of wherever that was for that TV show? Right. It's possible. I feel like this might be your brain trying to like find a way to make

this outrageous lie reasonable. When you think you just had that outfit, you think you just had that costume. I think he possibly killed a policeman and took it. If he called himself a cop and tons and tons of newspaper articles, you would think real New York City police. Like even if there were no rules back then, you would think that other actual New York City cops would find that annoying.

Now there are all the civilians will expect me to do this shit. I'm going to do a headstand on top of the building for you. Yeah. If he was on the clock and he's like a coward while he's doing a headstand, like what is, does he have to go fight that crime? I mean, I'd argue that he is. He'd have to. Yeah, it's absurd.

Well, we, we do have to pause for a second now and remind our listeners to Google Stephen Seagal eating a carrot. We have mentioned him. It is the law. And we'll just wait here while you enjoy that. There you go. I guess I missed the first time this final panel on the bottom right when, when last heard of the fabulous comp was chief of police at a South

American city doing an excellent job. Yep. Look at the drawing. Look how a man, his boss looks at him. Which is him. Oh, I thought that was him. I thought that he was talking to a reporter that he, I thought he, the guy with the. I thought he was like taking notes on how to, how to speak Spanish, I guess.

What do you want? Boss, I don't speak English. He's like, no, you got to get out. We need more planes on the force. And here's my ideas for planes, a giant fin on the outside so we can take him into the water, a chainsaw on the front. Just a big ball that you fire at the moon. I invented it first.

Three ropes on the bottom with teeth straps, strong teeth straps. I watched a good friend die on a week to strap. I guess the thing is with him falling off the map, off the map, the way he did, it's not, it's not that he stopped doing stunts is that he stopped lying. And that's what I can't, like he has to have died because I can't see why he wouldn't have continued making things up until he was old and gray. Cause why not? Like, like, why not claim that you're, you're going to go to the moon?

Why, why not claim that you're trained to go to the moon? Why not claim that you built a rocket and accidentally launched yourself from Florida to New Hampshire? And you stumbled out into a field and spent six months in the hospital. Like it, but the fact that it just abruptly stops, it just abruptly stops is so ominous. And I have to think he just died of tuberculosis or something. I don't know. Yeah, maybe.

I like to think he was shattered against the sky by a moon ball launcher. Yeah, that's, that's what I choose to believe. That's what gives me hope. I fully do understand why people have nostalgia for the olden days, even though I, none of us would willingly go back and live there. I assume no one on this podcast would willingly go back and live in 1915 or whenever this guy was active. Right.

Um, I absolutely, the amount of freedom people seem to have back then is really something. And I get that everybody died before they were 28, but, uh, I don't know. It's, there's a type of resume you could put together that you just really can't now, unless you're a truly remarkable person, but everything was just so new back then. And there were just, when I say there were no rules, you know, there was no such thing as like photo ID.

The, there was, you just showed up and you told somebody like all this air cop. Yeah. Like people joined an army at age 13. You just showed up and said you were, you were 18. Like that was it. There was no central database they could work against. This is why going back, if, if you are like a true crime, crime enthusiast, if you go back far enough to like the Jack, the Ripper era, you realize that was an

era when they didn't like keep track of what crimes had happened. Like we don't know to this day. What's the point? If we, if we don't know to this day, if Jack, the Ripper was actually a guy or if it was just a bunch of murderers who, cause there were so many people killing sex workers back then that you just did somebody and like the media kind of hyped it up like, Oh, there's one monster doing it. When in reality it could have been like 13 different guys just murder because

that you could just murdered sex workers back then and life, the world was a nightmare, truly a better time, more freedom. Well, that's the thing. I see why they romanticize it. Cause again, the actual reality was hell. Like the reality is these people were living in squalor and, and all that. The reality is you're the sex worker. Yeah, you're getting, yeah, you're getting murdered or else you're a starving

child in London, in streets were just filled with literal. Your sister is crushed by just some moon ball out of nowhere. Nobody aimed it right. See, I feel like if I went back to 1915, I could be 1915's Frank Dukes. Like I could tell everyone about the secret Oriental karate tournament that I won using secret techniques. I couldn't show anybody. I could easily do that.

We believe that. Yeah. Because even the basics of the lie, they didn't seem to interrogate. Like, I forget about the fact like, Hey, I can't find any evidence where this stunt occurred or, or can you give me the name of this pilot so I can talk to him because back then nobody had phones. Like I get that. But even when you're, they, he was relaying his story to a reporter and the

story conflicts itself in mid sentence, even the act of asking the follow up question was apparently considered bad etiquette back then. So when you would go around and say, Oh yeah, I was in this kumite and I, you know, in order to win the tournament, I had to fight 163 people or whatever, which I think closer to like 85 quadrillion. Yeah. It's, yeah, it's more humans than I've ever existed or ever will exist somehow because you yourself didn't even bother to construct your lie, all that carefully.

Yeah. There was apparently a time where, unless it was like a really, like, I guess any local newspaper, they just, they just, they weren't going to spend the six weeks it would take to drive around the country or to take a ship to wherever you claim this tournament happened and go interview people there. That just wasn't going to happen. It's like, Hey, you're, you're, why would he just lie? Why would somebody just say something like that if it wasn't true?

It just feels like such an innocent, wild time that I don't know. It's, you say that, but Bloodsport was like 1989. Yeah, I believed it. I got a movie recently. They put that on film. We elected Donald Trump, president of the United States. Like you could still lie fantastically and bigly. Yeah, but it's, it's harder now.

And it was just, it was so easy then. It was so, it was such a beautiful and easy time. And I know there's like a, Dave Chappelle has a bit in his standup or like back then, if you wanted to abandon your life, like if you left your wife and kids, you just had to go like one town over. Right. And you were just gone from the universe because there was no, that was it. There was no way to say a different name.

I mean, that, that's it. I'm a different guy now. You literally could just show up and just be somebody else. That was the, what am I going to do? Check. What's she going to do? Do you go through your phone and you could get away with everything. Just really mundane schemes.

That's the dream. I, I think I talked myself into it. Yep. Let's go back in time. Let's go back and be Frank Dukes in 1915 and just cheat on our wives. Like crazy. I'm going to be fucking Charles Fitzgerald. I'm taking all of this.

But you, even in this story, you can see where it comes back to bite this other guy, the, the moon ball guy who was just trying to put this out there as a hypothetical. But it's like, no, you're in a realm of whimsical liars. You now have to claim to have a moon ball. Back then it's like somebody's going to just build one of these in a field behind their house and launch themselves to the moon. Like there were tons of science fiction stories where that's what people were doing. They were just making their own rocket in a barn and going to the moon at it

because nobody knew and they probably had people telling them like, oh yeah, I, I may, I built one. I got halfway there, came back, yeah, it got, got cold. And then that's why I just turned around and came back home. But I got by halfway the moon. It's like, all right, lean down at the right way. That seems like a thing you could, that seems like a thing somebody could do. Why not?

And moons are like, moons are right there. I can see it in the sky. But every time you say that, you've got the Goddard curse where just hundreds of men come to you to die. Right. Then you land up at your farm. We want the moon ball. We want the moon ball.

Yeah, cause we did. Kill me, coward. Did we make it clear earlier that there was no way these shots to the moon were going to come back? Yeah, nobody had a plan. Nobody thought they would survive that. There's no possible. There was no like, I'm going to land it and then do something.

Like he didn't even have a second part of that. He said, shoot me to the moon. Obviously that's the end. Yeah, like fire me out of a giant cannon to the moon. And I know there's not another cannon on the moon. He made it 100% clear he did not expect to return. He was like, I will be dedicating my life to science. He more or less said those exact words that this is to advance all of mankind.

Shoot me at the moon and watch me die. You will have no way of knowing if I arrived there, unless looking through your best telescope, you see the tiny little puff of dirt from me hitting. Somebody's sister is killed by an errant moon ball. Right. It'd probably go like 100 yards up and just land on somebody's farmhouse. Yeah, which is it? Yeah, you just run off.

They would never solve that crime. Well, before we go, Jason, is there anything you'd like to plug and or pitch? Yes, still just have the last book called Zoe punches the future in the deck. Wherever books are sold. Also started a sub stack blog slash newsletter at Jason pargin.substack.com. I had originally got those for were just for people who had been like fired from major newspapers or whatever and then want to do like articles about cancel culture. But no, it turns out lots of lots of people have them.

So there you go. Yeah. It's great. It's like the old days. Jason, Jason pargin articles on the Internet and you've recently written several articles for us. Well, three, two of which trilogy of one nine hundred hot dog articles. One, I think maybe two of them at least will be up by the time two of them will be yours. They have a theme and I could just briefly. The first one is about my one of my favorite old Internet videos,

which is a man who breaks up a pair of meeting horses by kicking the male horse in the penis and then leads the horse away and continues kicking it in the penis. For reasons. There's an observation you made in that that cracked me up so hard about like the guy who drives the horse like stoically looks away once the like penis kicking begins. Yeah, it doesn't run over there. I can't witness this. Like, hey, this is like consly turns away.

It's like, hey, this is not this is between that guy and the horse. And again, why he continues kicking it will will never know. That's I detail that in the article. He maybe needed a couple of cool down kicks. Such a mystery. But it's great. The guy did not know he's not it's not a fetish thing. He didn't know he was being filmed as something he started doing.

No one asked him to do it. This is not a thing you do to stop a horse from mating with another horse. Please don't go out and try it. But anyway, this was this was not in the article. But have you considered that he was trying to finish the horse off to like just like cool down the whole situation? Could have had real soft, supple shoes, just brand new leather. He just knew this. This is what works for me.

Possible it was an aggressive foot job. Second article is about, which is probably it will definitely be up when this goes up, right? Yeah. It's about the ancient Romans practice of decorative penises and like in jewelry and pins and they dangle them from their homes and like little wind chimes. And I mean, actual like penises, elaborate winged penises, usually that often had themselves a penis and appendages that were also penises.

Scorpion tail penises. Yes. It's so nightmarish was a whole thing. It was a part of their religious beliefs. And I dig into from there, try using that to understand why I found the horse penis kicking video funny. These all tie together. And the third one, which is probably not up when this goes live. I won't spoil it other than to say that it involves

an elderly woman biting a camel in the scrotum. The Dong trilogy, do you have a better name for it? I don't think you're going to top that. Jason's Dong saga. And now something to pitch. What are your thoughts on who you would be if you went back to 1915, armed with your ability to know that everyone will believe all your lies? What's the life you build for yourself?

Turn of the century? I think all of my lying energy would just be to get out of work. I think that they would they would they would have me try because they would put me to work in a stable or something. Certainly no podcast back then, you know, the only radio shows where people like reading like Bible scripture or whatever. You don't want that job. So, you know, I certainly cannot be a writer back then.

So no, I would I would be it would be like, well, do you want to work on the farm or work on the docks? And I'd have to just continually like make up ailments that I have, I guess. I don't know I can't work for the next six months. I jumped a car off a 90 foot bridge and threw three men out before it landed. Well, that's the thing. I worry that I would have been a con artist because con artists like that was the golden age of the con artists.

Like you could just ride the rails into a town and just sell them like a freaking jug of water that would give them eternal life. And they would give you three hens and a cow for it. And you work for a week and then hop on the hop on the train. They wouldn't they had no way of tracking you down. The the police had no way of tracking you down. And you would just as long as you make the water about something embarrassing like this will make your dong bigger, boom, no one will ever complain

that their dong's still tiny. Yeah, anything. Anything they were in, whatever they were insecure about back then that, you know, yeah, we've got a daughter who's 14 and not married yet. That's all get her married off or whatever their concerns were at the time. And I worry that's who I would have been because my ability just to think up the craziest things on the fly. Like if anyone asked me how it works, it'd be like, wow, it's it's moon dust.

I went to the moon and a ball that I made in my soul. My uncle made. Give me this guy's number. Check it out with him. He loves talking about it. I did read about. But yeah, I think I would be a professional liar. Now that I've said it, I think I would be a professional

liar or some sort of like a cult leader or something. OK, they both sound really fun and I think you'd be great. It's not too late. It's true that always ends one way, which is you finally get stabbed to death in a town where they you accidentally visit the same town a second time and they recognize you and they come in and got you in a bar. Right. But you're you're dying of dysentery or you're dying of being gutted by an angry town.

That's true, because you like leave yourself open to other liars. Like anytime someone selling snake oil, some guy could come up and say, I'm I just moved here from another town. I know this guy. His thing didn't work. Like you just got killed by a liar. Whether or not your snake oil works, like that's I guess that's the true weakness. It's it's like a liar, liar, Highlander.

Yeah, liar, Lander. Yeah. So that's that's our pitch. That's liar, Highlander, Lander, Lander. Yeah, you're right. That's better. Ice Knight, Hooters, Frankfurt. Ice Knight, Lander, Lander. Ice Knight, Hooters, Frankfurt. Ice Knight, Hooters.

Ice Knight, Hooters, Frankfurt. Ice Knight, Lander, Lander, Lander. Yeah, 9000. One nine hundred hot dog wages war with the help of an elite fighting squad. On demolitions, it's three finger Louis. Adam Ruth, Adrian H, Aidan Moat, Alpha Sciences, Javo, Armando Nava, Benjamin Siranen, Brandon Garlock, Breanne Whitney, Chase MacPherson,

Children of the Meat Millie, Dan Bush, the artist formerly known as Devin, David Fornafine Costello, Dr. Awkward, Eric Spalding, Haraka, Jaibur Al-Aidan, Jamie Gordon, Jeremy Neal, John John McCammon, Josh Fabian, Josh S, Ken Paisley, Lyman, Matt Cortez, Matt Riley, Michael Rader, Mike Stiles, Mojoo, Neil Bailey, Neil Schaefer, Nick Ralston, Nick H, Polly Poisewough, Rhea, Rich Joslin, Timi Lahey, Toasty God,

Yossarian, Zachary Evans and Zadar Fan. On communications, intelligence, tactical, the vehicle pool, karate research. It's Patrick Herps, who has just requested a transfer to demolitions.