The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - Dogg Zzone 9000 - Episode 36, Conan the Podcast: Part 1

Episode Date: August 18, 2021

Brockway and Seanbaby continue their proud tradition of making smart young women watch dumb old movies for men. This time it's Lydia Bugg vs. the entire Conan trilogy! Part 1, Conan the Barbarian, lashed her sensibilities to the wheel and then threw her understanding to the dogs. What is best in life?

1-900 HOT DOG 1-900 HOT DOG Our podcast slams with maximum hype Say HOT DOG Podcast Word Yeah When you taste that nitrate power You're in the dog zone for an hour Come on

You've got the number 1-900 1-900 HOT DOG 1-900 HOT DOG 1-900 HOT DOG 1-900 HOT DOG 1-900 HOT DOG 1-900 HOT DOG

Yeah, 9000 This is the tale of the dog zone 9000 I am your mystical narrator Robert Brockway And with me is that noble barbarian Sean baby I take it back I don't think we should do it

No, I love it Accompanied as always By Archer and Thief Lydia Bogg Hello, thank you Mystical hello This is the day of high adventure Alright, so it turns out I don't have a Mako impression

I really thought I had that effect I thought it was pretty good Totally fine Let's be a crazy show If we weren't going to talk about Conan That would be just the weirdest fucking introduction Before we get into just a blood rage here Lydia, do you want to plug anything?

What do you got going on? Where can we find more of you? Oh, you can find me on Twitter at Unolidia Or I will be in the next Trailer Park Boys comic book Which is coming out in September I think it's like September 4th, I don't know You can go to trailerparkcomics.com You can pre-order it and I'll be in that

Awesome, you're in the first one and the second one Are they going to get you in on the third? Do you not know that yet? I don't know yet, but I am pitching for the third Right, well if everybody goes out and fucking buys it I might be in the third Yeah, so everybody fucking buy it So I can get in the third book, please

And I don't know, write the publisher and say I bought it because of Lydia Bogg, I guess I don't know how that works Let's start a mail in campaign Everybody loves those They will love you for that Yeah, definitely fire me Mail in

Live Boggs for more Lydia Bogg Send them a voicemail of you doing a Mako impersonation Everybody loves that This is a podcast where we try to get Lydia fired From one of her other jobs More Lydia for us That's exactly it, that's the plan Alright, so

Conan the Barbarian is one of my favorite movies It is completely ridiculous On every level And if you think you can predict What kind of ridiculous it's going to be You're totally wrong It's once barely a movie And five movies, and I love it so much

And it turns out Lydia has never seen Conan What a treat this must have been Never seen Conan Yeah Let's get your thoughts on it Your high level thoughts on the movie Right off the bat

This will be controversial But I thought there were some problems with it Really Really Just some small things I have a lot of questions about There were scenes that I thought Surely this will go somewhere

And it never came back It was just over But I did like what you like about it And no movie has ever Surprised me more I can definitely say that There were a hundred times where I was like I know what's going to happen next

And it would somehow be So far away from what I thought was going to happen You can never predict Conan's next action As a character And it turns out also in the movie He's a force of chaos And this is his story

This is his story That's getting worse His was a tale of sorrow Damn it That's such a good Mako impression How are you not doing it at the start? I'm 11% barbarian He's really the

Was Mako a barbarian? No, he was a barbarian wizard Even the barbarians have nerds And he's like a barbarian nerd It's like a Star Wars thing I can speak the languages of As a barbarian I speak the languages As a barbarian

So I speak Desert Wizard And Archer Thief Steppe Dork I speak Steppe Dork Yeah, that checks out Yeah I love Conan the Barbarian Right from the start

I'm talking right from the start It opens with a quote by Nietzsche And I just Have always Loved imagining Taking a time machine back To Nietzsche

And showing him Conan the Barbarian And being like This is what you were talking about, right? Whatever kill you doesn't make you stronger You met Conan the Barbarian, right? See, I only know that is like a Britney Spears lyric So I was like, oh, that's where Britney Britney and Conan

The connection is made through Nietzsche Is what I've always been saying She got it by being just A huge fan of Nietzsche Or a huge fan of Conan Maybe she's a Conan person So, Liddy, did you solve the riddle of steel? When you meet

Crom in the afterlife Are you prepared To answer the riddle of steel? Oh, no, I think Crom's definitely going to kick my ass I don't I've not touched much steel I've never, I don't think held a sword He probably wouldn't like that

See, I'm Kind of an entry-level Conan nerd But I always thought that the Nietzsche quote Was the answer to the riddle of steel That which does not kill us makes us stronger Is a reference to how The will of man must be tempered Oh, it's like a Jeopardy situation

So they open by giving us the answer And then they pose the question But I think it's a red herring And in fact The real riddle of steel is You're supposed to kill Crom Like you kill Crom And either you fail

Or succeed So you either become Crom Or it's like a fake Crom that he set up Just so you could kill it and he's like Okay, you can come to Valhalla Or nobody ever kills Crom And there's just nobody in Valhalla Everyone is just dead

They're all trying to kill Crom And it's just real lonely I wish I hadn't fucking gone to Valhalla See, I thought the riddle of steel Was more metaphorical Like your life is the answer to the riddle And Crom is like Watching if you live your life by

Like the rule of steel, which Conan obviously was So it was like I don't get why he's stressed About meeting his god It seems like he's doing a lot of killing people with that sword Yeah, he really is A good servant of Crom Who gives you the strength to kill your enemies And basically nothing else

Like Crom is the dickest of all the gods But But He does Listen one time And a very important time And that's more than our god ever does, right? That's true

Interface Jesus Christ I work with Crom now If Crom is gonna show up for me one time That's 100% more than any other god So, yeah I'm a Crom, I Crom, I'm a Crom, Crom you know Crom me, Crom you know

I'm not much of like a theologian But like in real life But I do like the moments in movies when One of the characters who's religious Like looks at their god and is like Okay, if you don't help me here, fuck you god Like there's a moment And obviously in Conan it's great

Do you remember Major League When Pedro Serrano is like If you could not help me hit the curveball I say fuck you Jobu And then he like cranks the curveball Like that's a great moment It's a great film Gotta be a callback to Conan

Yeah, that's a Conan reference Just Britney Spears Just came directly from Conan the Barbarian Yeah I think it might have actually been Kelly Clarkson There's a song, what's that song What doesn't kill you makes you stronger I think it's Kelly Clarkson

The people that listen to our podcast The crossover between People who like hotdog and Britney Spears Those people which is probably like about two of them Was this a trap? Like we just went along with it And you're like ha ha fools You didn't realize that it was actually Kelly Clarkson

It's a popular pop song That like the chorus is What doesn't kill you makes you stronger I don't know what gorgeous splontered white lady Sings it but It's a thing Definitely a Conan reference Whoever it is loves Nietzsche

Has built their entire career On his works Well, I've created A secretly incredibly fascinating series Of Conan facts That If Alex Schmidt was here He would present them like this

And he would present a song about stats Sent in by a reader And this one has been sent in by Beef Load And it's Like I stand at a hill I'll be gone When the morning comes When the night is over

I'll be gone gone gone Like I stand at a hill All right, Jamie, I want to keep All 11 minutes of that And when you bring in the guitar Like just get fucking warbly with it I want it to sound like a chopper engine And now on to the facts

1932 That was the year Conan the Barbarian was created By Robert E. Howard A bodybuilder and boxer So his nickname was Two-Gun Bob And

He Died tragically of suicide at age 30 1900 hot dog Okay, we gotta stop Ending podcast though Ending podcast On the suicide silence Joke works once

So these are some more Exciting facts. 1950 The year the first Conan novel was written Now Could you make a guess, Lydia, on how many Conan Comic books there were? Oh, I'm going to guess it's a lot

Because even though I didn't know the movie Like I knew of Conan as a character Even though it's something I would never ever read Which means it's probably like pretty Pretty around if I've heard of it So I'm going to guess I don't know, like Like 150

That's not too bad a guess The first Conan and the Barbarian series ran for 275 Issues There were 16 different Conan series Those are series that went at least 10 issues And then there was 71 other Conan miniseries or one shots

So He's been in 87 comic book titles That feels right because He seems very 80s, like he was Really big in the 80s, right? Well 50s is when the novels Started coming out And of course 30s is when he was big in

Short story comics And so I mean he's been around for almost 100 years now That's crazy What's very appealing About this character to everyone Just that he's beefy and wears like a tiny Little loincloth I guess

Here's what I think is the best about Conan is he's Not quite a good guy He generally stumbles his way Into heroism But for the most part he's just kind of A drunk Out of control like

Just suck her to his own it Like he'll go into a bar get fucking completely trashed Make sweet love Almost all the trouble he runs into Is his own doing like he'll just sort of wake up Somewhere and like oh I got drugged Or no I just drank too much And like there's just an appeal to a character

That just doesn't say no to shit And kicks total ass I think that's why I like Conan He's just a pure agent of chaos Happens and he's along for that ride And repercussions are Just a word people keep Saying to him the next day

What is that word You speak like a foul Wizard Like almost every time He gets in trouble throughout the series But also certainly in this movie It's because he got like really drunk Or he was too horny like it's

That they just capture him because he passes out Okay that is funny That should have been a big fight scene But they're just like no And then they bring him before the king all hung over I'm like that's He got him fight back he's just like oh god I feel terrible

The producer Dino De Laurentiis Really didn't like that Like he wanted that removed from the movie But then they fought to keep it The director and Oliver Stone was the writer I don't think he was involved at that point Like it's a very Conan thing to do

It's just to get so fucking hammered That you wake up in prison I do have one more fact I want you to try to guess this one $230,000 What do you think that reference is The amount of money That somebody bought Conan the character for

Oil budget on the movie But oil budget That cannot be the budget of the movie It can't be that cheap No the movie was $19,000,000 in 1982 money $230,000 Straight up butter oil

It's actually What they paid Arnold Schwarzenegger That was his fee for being a Conan For horse training and fight training And bodybuilding and voice coaching And they're like alright give the principal Actor of this huge Mega film

$230,000 I hope he got royalties I'm sure he did on the ensuing Movie We don't need to worry about Arnold Schwarzenegger's money I'm just saying that's a small amount of money I hope he's doing alright Does anybody know how he's doing

They let him be a governor after this That blew my mind I think If this blew your mind The rest of Arnold Schwarzenegger's life The rest of his life was Basically just Conan That's also who Arnold Schwarzenegger was

At least as a young man You have to understand to me In the 90's He was kindergarten cop And junior And he was the big sweet guy You can see that guy Jingle all the way

That guy And I'm like This does not seem like Republicans Would be very on board with this guy And into a fire as he has sex with her You don't like both things like that Yeah Never mind

You figured it out You solved the riddle of steel I also read That each of the broad swords used by Conan Costs $10,000 to make Estimated cost Because they had to make these beautiful swords And then fuck them up

So if they made 23 swords That's Arnold's entire paycheck More on swords That's the point I was making That's the riddle of steel It all leads back It did not look like a $10,000 sword I think they could have done fine with plastic

Honestly I think we would have noticed plastic But yeah, $10,000 seems way If someone said, hey I can make you a sword But it's gonna cost $10,000 So that would be eight times more than you'd expect You'd be like, what the fuck Yeah, it's better like

Now somebody better be handing these down to their children To like, using the upcoming Water Wars What a terrible weapon That'd be in the water wars Like swimming around with this 80 pound broad sword Well it's not the

Yeah okay, it's swimming, it's water All you have to do Is shove someone off the boat And their sword that is strapped to their back Will be their end Alright, well we've made it to The quote that opens Conan the Barbarian

We made it, we made it to the quote that opens I don't think we talked about any childhood at all I think this is entirely Appropriate for this movie That will ramble for a long time On nothing And then at other times it's just Pedal to the floor

Taking you somewhere And you have no idea where But you know it's on fire Real quick The start of this movie Okay So Conan as a child His dad explains to him the whole nature

Of the riddle of the steel And almost immediately His peaceful life is destroyed When raiders come to his village And two of them look Like guys out of Spinal Tap And then there's James Earl Jones Who is just absolutely beautiful

Even with his long helmet hair It's just the weirdest haircut Anybody has ever seen in their life And his green contacts The bangs Such bad bangs He totally cut his own bangs that morning And he just

He corners Conan's mom And he just like Stares at her until I think She falls in love with him I couldn't figure out what that was She lowered her sword I thought she was like oh he's not gonna kill me And I thought that too

He looks at her with the biggest puppy dog eyes Like I just need your love baby And he does it for so long In the movie just I swear to god I don't know how long it actually is It feels like 20 minutes of just staring At her until she Until she lowers her sword and he cuts her head off

And that's how they choose To spend their wildly erratic time Yeah And he cuts her head off With her husband's sword The man they just killed Like they made a big show Of looking at this sword

And they sort of mentioned later That that's what they're here for That these guys are raiding villages to get their steel But in the voiceover Mako's like oh no one knows why the fuck they did this And then he tells me later Yes that drove me nuts I was like we do now

Well Mako also He explains sometime in there like I'm your narrator and like there's a reason There's a story and then that's not true Like ever Because test audiences had no idea What was happening Because I met him so it could have been anybody

Like he wasn't really pivotal I mean there was one scene Which maybe he's pivotal but Hopefully we'll get to that Well he also too said he never saw those guys again And then he did Very much for the rest of the movie You've seen them multiple times

It's implied that Mako is just kind of high All the time Oh okay So I think that's what's going on With the narration But they uh They take young Konan And they bring him to

A wheel in the middle of the desert And then they strap him and all the other children To this wheel and have them turn it And my favorite part of this Is that there is nothing There's nothing around The wheel is not connected to anything Buildings

There's just a big wheel That all the kids have to turn for no purpose Yeah whatever grain they're milling Is it's not going anywhere It's not being stored It's just nothing mill Nobody does anything but It's not just like to be cruel and torture them

Because they assign a single guard So this huge desert And they have several shots where you can see off to forever That there's nothing This guy has to go live in the middle of the desert To turn a wheel I'm not sure which one's life is more pointless At that point

Like is this torture for the guard too Why keep those kids alive It makes no sense at all It makes no sense at all Like I was like oh I get it this is their prison But then also why put them in prison They killed literally everyone else So

I think it was Because they flash forward And then all of a sudden he's the adult Konan His whole life turning a wheel And doing nothing else Which is my favorite origin story For a hero ever It's just wheel

It's wheel, look I was baby And now wheel And here I am Nobody taught me like language really I don't really know anything I know how to wheel Maybe they were going to sell an exercise Program based on that

Later It's almost kind of true because a guy shows up To buy Konan And put him in the fighting pits Because he's the last one that survived So I guess he must be the strongest That could be like this whole training program If there's a point to it like that's the only point

Is that this is like a training program To create a fighter But I would argue even though it worked in the movie You never taught him how to fight Like they even They even showed that He has no idea what's going on Yeah he had they showed

They did such a good job of showing Like he is a wheel idiot at this point Who has learned nothing but wheel And he doesn't know about attacking Or other people they unchain A man with sharpened teeth in front of him And he stands there like you're going to help me push a wheel It's cool I love wheel

Do you like wheel? He starts off by pushing it like he's a wheel He's like this is all I can do is push Right this is my attack He's just so thrown when the guy attacks him Because he lets him bite him forever For like again the movie just Let's the scene go on for like

Feels like 10 minutes of a guy Biting a wheel idiot And this could be Arnold not knowing how to do A fight scene but it could be Really good writing where he just doesn't even have The instinct to shove him off Like he's not doing anything with his arms He's just like yeah yeah bite bite go ahead

This sucks I better push the wheel harder Where's my wheel? I'm pushing this non-wheel world So we kind of I don't want to be a pedantic Conan nerd But like Conan or Arnold did Make this point during the DVD commentary Like there's nothing here they are not

Mealing anything And the director explained to him That there is grain there so it's not Like shown on camera but I think the intent Was to have this some sort of a functional Like industry going on It's not shown on camera or explained In any of the lines

I think Age of Hyboria the video game I think when you make a wheel of pain That does grind your Flower for you So this plot point in the movie Was explained 30 years later 30 years ago in a video game Well and I bet he had to explain it

Because that's the one thing from this movie That I recognized as like a reference Where I've seen it in other stuff Where people are making fun of it Like Star Trek did it too Star Trek had a wheel pain I think so There was episode of

I think it was probably O'Brien Because it was DS9 and it was always O'Brien And it was like a mining thing Yeah that's a wheel idiot O'Brien's a wheel idiot Everything bad happens to O'Brien But yeah Like everybody in sci-fi has referenced

That wheel so I feel like the guy 30 years later Was like I knew When I was doing with the wheel you guys Yeah Everybody it's true I love the wheel I love it because it's pointless And like why is the wheel there I don't know to make a Conan

That's how you make a Conan And that's a good set up for the rest of the movie Where it's like don't ask questions Don't you dare ask questions If you think you know what's going on in this movie You are fucking wrong Right it gets you right into the vibe So well I would argue that guy was right

He was a perfect filmmaker He did exactly what he needed to In the garage where Arnold like murders a man At the start and is like Oh shit murder huh And like he just He really takes to it He loves murder instantly it's the best thing

And I don't remember the exact voiceover But that's the voiceover The gist of the voiceover is He found out about murder and he loves it now And then he just murders 150 guys In a brutal way He did not care anymore Life and death the same

I'm so glad we have this Mako impression I'm so mad I did it at the start Why was it my idea You're just fine too You're both very good at Mako I'm really self conscious about my Mako impression We found your insecurity You're one weakness

I don't think it's any good anymore you guys No it's great But you're still great at wheel You become such an excellent pit fighter That they I guess just send him away To be a better pit fighter Like again Doesn't make any sense

Never explain why would you take your best fighter And send him away to where they don't fight At all To like just some One of the all time great Training scenes where He's trained by like this little Asian man Who's showing him how to hold a sword

Very very still And then some other guys like smirking Like this guy doesn't know how to hold a sword Very still and the trainer walks over And fucking kicks him in the dick And then it just carries away No reason he's not involved Smirking at my student

Fuck you And then cut That's his training Well they said they gave him books Which I'm like I don't know how that's going to help him Because he can't read did you teach him to read Because he could like barely Barely speak at the start

So they had to have somebody Looked back at the story so far They told him been like okay this guy just Did wheel There's no way he can talk Or like he can't know how to fight He can't know like How to add or even what numbers are

And like you can't have a movie With just a wheel idiot So they're like well We gave the wheel idiot some books And he read them good in his cage But there's a lot of upward mobility In Ancient Samaria

You could just through Through your own labor You could like elevate your status I think is what they're saying Like it's a better society than ours Is the point I'm making Sure some children are literally Ground beneath the wheel

But the ones that survived They know how to read Where they can teach themselves Capitalism in the rawest form Right They also gave him a woman which was nice Like they're breeding him Oh god that scene

Was such a bizarre Like I thought he wasn't going to have sex with her Like they set you up it's like oh no he's being a gentleman He's covering her And then he just like drags her into a corner And has sex with her Push her in And she doesn't like push her in naked

And he's like no no that's not cool And he gives her like a fur blanket Or he assures her until it's okay And as soon as she drops her guard There you go That's the kindness That you have received In front of like 50 people

I love how it just pans up To like the 16 Mongolians Just joyfully watching him like He's gonna fuck now this is great I guess that's what porn would be Before like electricity and stuff Yeah I feel like you wouldn't not watch that If like you lived in that village

Let's watch him ruin a woman Like he ruins all the men we give him Yeah Maybe you wouldn't Today I wouldn't but if I was like an ancient Sumerian I might be like yeah that's like What we do If my whole life was just

If it was just a wheel of pain and then they Set me free and are like well here's what we do I guess I'd watch it I don't know I mean the alternative seems to be wild dogs Yeah that's true I wrote down a quote from the Well dogs it's tough I wrote down a quote from the

That seems to be the only two things In this vast expanse of nothing It's Conan banging chicks And ruining dudes and wild dogs eating you So from the commentary I wrote down a quote from the director Who told Arnold you never said Anything to her or anything

You never let her get relaxed In reference to the naked woman We're speaking about So she's on the set very very nervous Cause Arnold has to look And she doesn't speak English very well And she's just being Handed to this giant rude Austrian

Stranger and Arnold was just like Yeah I didn't talk to her at all And like the whole commentary Arnold is just like Openly lusting after the women on the screen He sort of does this in every movie If you've never watched an Arnold DVD commentary

He explains the movie as it goes Like a child might like Yeah I am walking through the snow I'm disguised as a fat woman Oh no my helmet My fat woman helmet's coming off You're gonna know I'm here on Mars And

And also He's also making The audio book Of the movie And In addition to that When a woman's on screen he'll be like Yes I made love to her four times

She does not like me, she'll not talk to me anymore I'm gonna hit on this one What I was saying If you think the movie is problematic And it is You haven't seen the rest of Arnold Schwarzenegger's Just entire life and personality Up until he seems to have changed the last 20 years

I guess when he got old Up until then he's just a man monster He was just A man monster that ravaged through our society Much like Kona Just why Kona works so well Yeah one thing I really didn't like Too was I thought that his

Like sex face was kind of too good Like His like I'm ready for this lady face Was too like happy It was like he wasn't trying to be cool He was like literally really into it And I didn't like it He was real switched on, there was no acting there

He was He's like I will show her a real treat I'll make love to her on the set of this film Yeah cause we've seen him acting Or he was just really really in the space Of a wheel idiot Because that's how a wheel idiot would see a woman Like possibly

This is possibly the first woman He has ever seen He knew to put a Mike covered cape on her He's like first I must give her body lice Now That we shall have sent We can

Fuck So this montage full of problems Ends More or less ends at a feast Where all the Mongols are together And Arnold is the Just the meat centerpiece He's just sitting in the middle of the table cross legged

While they all admire him Like a cornucopia That's just pure beef This is not how you sit at Thanksgiving No this isn't how I sit I'm not the beef cornucopia I usually go To my uncle

Congratulations to him Yeah he's We usually outsource it so the family can eat We'll just get like a hunky person from the street Well that well oiled man And we celebrate him every year As his customer Yeah of course

There's a line at the start of that scene That sounds like it's not supposed to be there He's like yeah you tell my son to fuck off Okay action Did you notice this? Every now and then when I watch Conan I notice this Yeah it's like a messenger comes up to him

And says something and he's like my son's Disappointment or something Yeah it's like what are you talking about What's that dude talking about One of the threads that never comes back He's like oh his disappointing son will come back And maybe like free Conan No he's never brought up again

The other thing is you must assume maybe He must be looking to Conan as a son Because he seems to love him so much in this scene But then he's just never seen again He's gone through I love when he asks what is good in life And the first guy's like What is best in life

And the first guy's like Get some stupid ass answer of like The open step wind Falcons on your wrist Wind in your hair Yeah that's the one line I remember Fuck this fucking Yanni shit Are you kidding me but all the Mongols

Hate that A soprano saxophone in your ear A canoe under your butt Sean baby What is best in life Cross your enemies See them driven before you Hear the lamentations of the women

Yes this is good This is good It's such an iconic line That just One of the first lines Spoken Maybe the first line spoken by Arnold actually in the movie

Oh yeah I mean Kid Conan has a couple of lines But I think as an adult I think it might have all been montage Up until now We're still in the first half hour And we've gone from like child to village

To wheel to fighting pits We're now in Mongolia where he's being trained And talking about lamentation Very few lines We skipped over one of my favorite lines There's a line I love When they're first rating the village He starts wrecking dudes

He's cutting them off of horses And the leader goes kill that one And I thought that's really good Battle tactics We weren't doing that Let's start doing that Here's some fun Conan nerd stuff Comes up in this scene because they're wearing

What's pretty clearly like Genghis Khan armor Which is Yeah they're supposed to be mongols Yeah Hyborian mongols are Like they have Asgard at the top And then Samaria and then underneath that Is just like a badly spelled Asia

So like there's Iranistan And there's like all these countries Clearly Robert E. Howard was looking at a map Of the world, you know what fuck it I'll just figure this out later And it ended up being like 100 year long canon But in the movie Originally

Oliver Stone wanted to have this set in the far future After an apocalypse So it sent us back to the Stone Age It would be really hard to time everything out So there would be like a mismatch of everything And they ended up Just sort of deciding to go with that But keep it in the Conan lore

So this was supposed to be In the age of Hyboria which is like 10,000 BC But here they are in like You know 11th century Mongolian armor Which you know some pedantic nerd shit But If you went from the comic to this You'd be like whoa this is

These guys are dressed wrong Anyway, out of all the potential problems You could have with Conan If that's your problem I just have no respect for you There are a lot Big plot problems that are not the armor But also including

Why was the one white guy Like the guy that sold them Conan What was his deal Cause everybody else there was like Asian and then the one white guy Was also in their army Well he's the guy that bought Conan from the wheel Like brought him up through the fighting pits

And then after that feast For some reason he just sets Conan free Like a dog and it's just like Go be free and he like doesn't know what to do So he chases him off into the wilderness And then he just Fucking weeps to see his

His like murder puppy Just run off free Yeah I don't know why he set him free I love that that's not really his way You don't know why he set him free With the prospect of Not seeing his precious Conan again I don't think he has many if any lines

I don't know that guy's name He must have just been really moved by Conan's words He's like man this guy Did you hear what he said? I don't really gotta set him loose to just Fucking tear up the world This guy's not a real slave This guy needs to fly free

He needs to make those ladies lamentate So the first thing he does With his freedom Is Gets torn apart by wild dogs As we've established You can either fucking this cage Or get torn apart by wild dogs

There's some more fun Conan facts Those were not well trained stunt dogs And If you search on YouTube you can find an outtake Where this dog just beats the shit Out of Arnold Schwarzenegger Because again they didn't have stunt guys for Arnold Because he's 260 pounds of

Mr. Olympus And This dog grabs his leg And slams him down And you can hear Arnold Schwarzenegger GO DAMMIT All for $250,000

Yeah This fucking year of horse training Is getting the ass kicked by a dog In the commentary he's like The dogs, I hated this pot with the dogs I did not like Being mauled by those dogs What I learned for me was whenever I see a dog

I'm automatically excited so I was just like Dogs, yay! And then they kept murdering people Yeah I was like oh no I forgot I love everything about this scene because he falls into a cave With like stuff he needs for the quest Which is fucking fantastic writing

But I'll allow it Because I think Crom did this I think this is one of the nice things Crom did for Conan Because Conan rules so hard Crom's like fuck it You get to fall into a cave with an Atlantean Chased by dogs As soon as you get your freedom you're chased by dogs Into a cave with swords

And he seems to He seems to think that like He finds a dead skeleton That was some kind of king Or war chief or something and that's how he gets That's where he gets his sword from And then he looks at them and just goes Crom So it's like he thinks

This is the avatar of his god Or like some manifestation or at least given to him By his god And then he steals the sword So he steals god's sword And that's So he goes from as a child To his idealic life

And his whole village is murdered And he's taken away on a chain of children To become a wheel idiot and then he's given In the fighting pits and then he's given the Mongols And he ruins some women And it goes to a bitch at feast and says some cool shit And then gets chased out and chased by wild dogs Into a cave where he steals his god's sword

And that's under The first 30 minutes I was gonna say, yeah, that's like not even the first Like that's not even the first act really That is 29 minutes That is the first 29 minutes And this scene ends In such magical filmmaking where he cuts

Off the chains with the sword Great symbolism Then he looks right in the camera Like with a cute little look Instead of killing the dogs, he just like looks at us Like I'm gonna kill those fucking dogs And then it cuts to him wearing a poncho He had a sword cozy out of one of those dogs

Oh, I didn't think about that Oh Yeah, he killed those dogs Yeah, they were just waiting for him Like he's gotta come out of that cave But he came out with a With a chrome sword Yeah, they should have just known

To be afraid of Arnold from the start Yeah, I think he could have taken All dogs since just now I think any dog would know now But then he runs into the witch Yeah, this is my favorite scene in the movie There are so many Crazy implications

By this scene that exists Just for no reason Don't pull on any thread In this scene Okay, so the first woman he meets in the wild He's been given women in cages that possibly Did not know her Certainly never used language on him

So the first woman he meets in the wild Is like a cat witch Yeah So this has gotta be like what he thinks Women are now Cause at the end she becomes a ghost And flies away She also like prowls around him

Like a cat and makes cat noises And he's down He's down for this She's like throwing fireworks Like she's like oh, we're gonna fuck And so she throws a bunch of stuff into the fire to explode And Conan's just like into it Like she's crawling the floor

He asks her She's ever seen the symbol of the people That murdered his village, the two snakes coming together And she says I do know the symbol But there's going to be a price Yeah And then they cut to just

The price is that dick The price was that dick One deep dicking and I'll tell you But in the middle of the sex Yeah, much like the last movie That you guys made me watch She has to deliver the information While they're having sex

He literally fucks the information out of her Just like in Human Tornado We don't have an HR department either If this becomes a pattern, I don't know who you're telling Just the world We're telling the world right now Yeah, I didn't know that was a trope But apparently that's what we're doing

Every movie we bring you on to talk about From now on out, a man will fuck information out of a woman I don't know what other movies There's no single other movie that happens So she wants his seed Or whatever Or just a good night But then she's going to

She tries to turn into a monster and kill him She loses control He fucks her so good that she loses control Over her meat sack And then becomes whatever she is Underneath So he has to throw her in the fire And she thinks that's hilarious

That he fucked her real good Again, not a great example Of how to treat women But she was into it though Like you said She flew away laughing She was like, thank you so much She also completely deserved it

Let me break that down So he comes into this woman's hut Just cut that 1,900 Hop down! So he comes into this woman's hut It's the first woman this poor wheel idiot Has seen in the wild His life has just been murder and strife

And all he wants to know Is the symbol of the people who killed his village And she says, I'll tell you For that dick And then she does She does tell him And it turns out it's at the crossroads of the world And it's the symbol

Of a tower that they later say Is in every single city in the world That everybody in the entire planet Knows At least from a basement In North Dakota or something And you stumble upon some woman and she's like Come into my hut

And you're like, well, hold on There's this symbol of these people that killed my parents It's the stars and stripes Have you seen this symbol? And she's like, yeah, I can tell you about that For that dick It's just such a Cold-blooded, exploitative move

I thought she was trying to eat him Like she's luring him into eating him And the sex was just Yeah, I think she was trying to kill him eventually But it's the worst deal He makes the worst deal It's in every town If he had gone to a single town

He would have just immediately seen that symbol Again, so that this whole scene can be nothing Like he would think the scene is like To give him that information And then they say later, nah That information is useless To be clear, she is I wanna say to be clear, she is completely awesome

And hot like crazy And just has a home Filled with fireworks And she's good to go I have a feeling she didn't have to trick him into it Like she could have said like, hey, stay the night And he'd be like Oh, yeah, we're gonna fuck like six times, right?

She'd be like, oh, totally Like there's no reason for any deception Yeah, he looked a little suspicious of her automatically But I don't know why he would be Because as you pointed out, he has no experience with Like the world, so he doesn't know How to look out for catwoman fuck monsters Or whatever

Right, the only women he's ever seen have just been given to him Here's one Not to mention it takes her 40 seconds To transform and Has the strength of a woman when she does So it's like it's not a ton of danger Yeah, he handles that Pretty easily and with no mistakes

There's another Commentary story here Where this scene comes on And apparently they Have a pretty small set Generally you do that when there's a love-making scene But there is some sound guy there in Spain That was apparently just jerking it

And The director and Arnold were both talking about How he's getting his jollies And they were like laughing about it But like, it's Pretty heavily implied that he was Full on pleasure himself while Trying to record and sound for this scene

So that's something Dear God, I am so glad That's what the world used to be like That's how movies were made Back then I guess, I guess you paid the star Like $200,000 And just had him attacked by dogs

Hired a pervert to run the camera I would love it To re-record the commentary Tell the exact same story But with the tone it should elicit Like in 2021 With them like, oh God, you remember that fucking guy Yeah, he should be in prison

We should really have done something about that Do you remember Arnold, do you remember all the things you specifically did Yeah We should all be in prison It's making me very sad I high-five to the guy Well, he still has a little jizz on his hands

Great, great Arnold Impression Thank you I cut that iconic line Okay, so He has thrown, he's bang a woman And thrown her into the fire after she turned into a monster And he next meets

Subotai Subotai It was just chain tour Thief and archer This dude straight up yelling out his character class When Arnold meets him I'm a fourth level druid What module are you guys playing

Level 11 wheel, idiot I love how he gets his attention to you Just like, give me food Give me food So I can die fighting dogs with lots of pep and vigor That's how he wins Arnold over As he says, he doesn't want the food to eat it He just wants like the energy

To fight some dogs And Conan is like Yeah, all right, all right, we can hang My kind of guy Yeah, he's a real straight shooter We're all fans of murder here You know And then because they forgot to give him a horse

You know what I like about this movie It's such a great detail Yeah, if you couldn't afford a horse back then You just ran And it looks Kind of silly They just show them running over a vast plains With nothing in sight

It sucks I really like their religious discussion He's not like Tom Cruise who looks cool running He looks ridiculous Especially going through sand Yeah He looks just like an out of control meat train Like somebody's

It's somebody's job to stop this And they're not doing it I never learned how to stop on the wheel Someone stop me, get a rope He wouldn't have, he wouldn't have learned how to stop He wouldn't have learned about resistance Yeah, no brakes on that shit He's got new man's brakes

You learned a lot about the gods of Hyboria here Where Supo Tai is talking about Like oh my god's this guy and Arnold's like Crom would kill your stupid god Oh my god's above your god and Arnold's like Super pissed off about it like I guess Altitude Determines the strength of a god He just gives up that argument at that point

He's like fuck I'd be bested I learned nothing of theology on the wheel Or the books they gave me in the sex cage Did not mention He ate those books And fucked one of them I like that they go to town and just get tore up

On Stygian Black Lotus Yeah, immediately First order of business Did he punch that camel? Did he really punch that camel because He had to There's no way with Arnold like Not speaking a word to that poor woman

That Arnold like held back In the camel punching scene And that's his bad too He bumped into that camel The camel's mind of his own business He smashed into the camel And then punches the camel out for that To reference that scene

That iconic scene where A man just knocks out a camel Or a horse or something Why was that the one that stuck in our memory Just punches out a horse And everyone around him looks shocked When he did it Yeah, that just stops the party

Everybody's like fuck This is a problem And I cannot solve it That's what's great It's not like porkies They're having a wild time These guys are the assholes They're the ones that get kicked out of every bar

No one likes them They are regarded as an issue Everywhere they go And then they run into Sandy Bergman The hot girl who is breaking into the same snake temple as them Yeah, they just go Still high

Might as well to break into the snake temple That's part of the bender And run into the one other person already robbing it Pretty good You know everything you need to know She's already robbing it And I think she's probably A dual class thief

Berserker She doesn't spell it out like Subotai But that's the vibe I get off of her Here's the thing, I tried to pay attention This time Watching Conan, something about it Just destroys parts of my brain So that I can only remember

Three or four things from the movie So watching it this time, I took notes I really tried Does the woman get a name? Yes, I think her name is Valeria I don't know if they say her name I don't know if they say it Do they say it?

Not does the character, does she get a name in the movie? Can anybody remember that? I don't think she was named Yeah, 80% sure they don't say it in the movie But I know that just because Conan nerding stuff So they've just met the woman And immediately said about Robbing the big snake temple

I love the stakes on this Like they get in there So easily It's not like a heist scene It's not like a big dramatic scene They stumble in, they immediately find The best jewel This huge jewel, it's the center of it

And it's guarded by a huge snake And then they immediately kill that snake Just beat the shit out of it The snake was awesome, it looked so cool It looked great, it looked like They spent a fortune on it It rears up and you're like Here's a hell of a fight and Conan just spears it through the head

Instantly And it's got like a little bit of struggle left in it And then they fucking nail it with arrows And punch it, hit it with an axe and just fucking kill it 800 times and like The whole scene is like 30 seconds Why did you make such an awesome snake? And then just beat the shit out of it

Until it's dead and then leave Maybe it was a Jaws situation Where we only think it looks awesome And if they tried to make it move It was gonna look bad Right, that's probably likely Yeah Maybe they just found a really big snake

And just like the dogs Just let it loose on Arnold That's what happened So they killed the snake I like that we get a sense of Sandy Berkman's character where she's just a full maniac Like her plan is just to go dress up Like one of the girls

And just jump into the crowd And when things go bad, she starts stabbing everybody And then shoots out on a Polly And Twice she screams Her catchphrase that like Who wants to live forever? She's just got a full on death wish

I love it If you were Conan and raised in that world How would you not immediately fall in love? Absolutely And they do, like again No resistance here, like the next scene They're fully in love He gives her the biggest gym

And she can't believe it She's like, I was gonna fuck you anyway But now this is like True love Yeah, he literally buys her love Yeah, you could look at it that way When he talks to her with the gym, am I over the line? Because they did some like

He probably put it in her butt They did some stroking and some implication with that gym That was like It's getting a little weird The gym definitely watched This was each of the actors first sex scenes In a film And you can

As you watch it, you kind of get that sense Like they kind of don't know how to Present themselves Towards camera It seems like they're both kind of like, is this okay? Is that, I mean We just met, are you really touched Your boob like this?

It was just kind of meaty and bumpy And slapping, and like Yeah, that's probably how that should have been Character I don't know, I feel like those two They should have torn the room apart I think, those two After like the biggest heist of their lives

You know, because they were in love So it was like sweeter than the other sex scenes And they didn't know how to do that So they were like, I guess, I don't know It's like, just like stare at each other A lot, like Stare at each other, kind of fall sideways Like we each just fall on our ribs

They didn't want to take too much from the human tour Native, like he's already fucked information out of somebody He can't fuck the house down, literally And otherwise everybody just knows What you're doing Like this is human tournado, come on Dino De Laurentiis Stop stealing from Dolomite

Were they together for a long time too Was that supposed to be like, they were just getting high And drunk and fucking around For like a month or something No, I think this was the night of Oh my god, because I was like, well maybe that makes sense That she's in love with him so much He literally sacrificed her life for him

After like Like some period of time That we didn't see, but no, it's just like one night Together and she's like, that's it, I'm devoted Kill me I think there's an argument to be made That that montage took at least like three or four nights Like that's some serious

I suppose But the king is looking for them Because They're like famous Outlaws now in this town And they're brought before Max Fonsido The great Max Fonsido And

He hates these snake guys, so he's like super into this So he's like, yay, I'm glad you Stole those guys' chance He just thinks that they rule, like when they bring Them in, they bring Conan The rest of them in and he's just like You guys fucking rock, you know that You're the best

Like I brought you in just because you kick ass Big fan, big fan But he also needs to save his daughter From Thulsa Doom, who just happens to be You know, James Earl Jones Who killed Conan's family Completely buries that lead, like that comes second To him just laughing and being like

You guys fucking rule Sticking it to those snake dicks And then they give them Just as many rubies as they can carry Which I love because They're giving piles of rubies to these fuckups That can easily be traced back to them Like these guys are going to leave a ruby trail

Everywhere they go for a countryside So everyone will know exactly Who paid them to do this So like the king is not Being quiet about it, he's like I need someone to go I can't send my own guys because then The snake temple will know I did it so he's like I'm going to pay you guys in the most traceable

Currency I have And anyway, I just love it I love that everyone in this world is nitty It's great, it's the best It's the best premise for a movie What if everybody in the world is just Dumb and drunk and fucking violent It's fuck, nobody really cares if they'll ever die

And then let's set the movie in that Everyone is a wheel idiot Everyone's a wheel idiot And while I say And I feel very strongly Every person in this world is stupid The filmmaking itself is masterful Because the next scene

Arnold is holding up the thulsa do medallion To just demonstrate The choice that he has To abandon this quest For revenge and spend the perfect life With the perfect woman Or embrace revenge And solve the riddle of steel

It's just all laid out Without saying a word And I love it, I think it's perfect And he does, of course Of course he picks revenge Isn't about him just banging on top of A pile of meat with his special lady friends Settling down, like having a couple kids

Getting a job, wearing a suit Strapping him to a wheel Raising him upright So he leaves her with a pile of money He's like, hey, later You can have the big gem in all these nice memories But I'm out And finds that snake cult

Like they're insidious later But our first impression of the snake cult Is literally just hippies in a desert Covered in flowers I think one guy's playing a tambourine And he regards them with open disgust This is the evil snake cult That he wants revenge on

And they're just hippies I think that too is when he finally meets the narrator We skipped over the Meeting the narrator part I don't know, it's not important Because, again, the narrator does nothing So I think he kind of follows them

Towards the meets the narrator Maybe it's like a graveyard for the gods And there was a big battle And anyway, it's never explained Right, Conan sees the hippies And then he meets Mako And Mako is nice like He screams at his character class

And he's like, I have a wizard! And he's like, okay, cool I need one of those, we need spell casting I really like how Not on their vibe I don't understand what is going on With their sense of humor or the way they talk But he's like, I'm going to kill you

And Conan's like And Mako's like, yeah, it is pretty funny And then they sit down together And then the next day Conan's like Hey, is there any flowers around here? And then Conan's like, yeah And Mako's like, I get it And Conan's like, yeah, and they laugh

Again, this is crazy Because Conan Does need these flowers To infiltrate the snake cult But Mako doesn't know that So it's sort of a joke that He's going to give these flowers to a girl But he's actually going to use them

To infiltrate the cult and kill everybody But there's no way Mako gets this joke Yeah, it's just weird I thought he was going to give the flowers To the king's daughter And that was the joke, was like, yeah I'm so confident that I'm going to go Get her, that I'm bringing her a present

And it's like a present that can easily die In like a day, so like, I'll be right back I thought that was the joke That would be a pretty advanced joke For a real idiot Yeah, that's true There's plenty of jokes you always have to explain At length, so

But then, I love the next scene Because this establishes a theme Through the movie And it's that he shows up And he disguises himself And so much of the rest of this movie Revolves around Arnold Schwarzenegger Using stealth

And it's always the least believable thing You've seen Yeah, he uses seduction to infiltrate the cult He's like, goes up to a dude He's like, hey, what's up, Sugar? You want to go behind A rock and bang one out And this fresh-faced dude He's like, oh, hell yeah

Giant buff guy, he's like, what does he say? He's like, you've got a beautiful and well-grown body He's like, that's a fucking wheel body I would want to get up on that wheel body Ride that wheel But then he takes his robe It's like, orange hippie robe And tries to blend in with the rest of the crowd

And it's just immediately Looks like a tragic color Yeah, he was a viewer He's like, three times the size Of every other person there And like, you don't believe for a second That he's part of this hippie cult And my favorite part of the movie

Is that nobody else does This enemy has just Pointed at him and they're like What the fuck? What the fuck are you doing? Who brought the fucking ogre? Do you know the ogre? You know in WWF when they put a wrestler In a suit

And it looks like a gorilla is in a disguise It's like this Arnold in this movie looks like A man 50 years earlier And Polly Shore was like hilariously sneaking His pet cavemen into a Ku Klux Klan rally Like it looks like It doesn't look natural in any way

It's ridiculous As just every time I think it would have looked much better If he hadn't stolen the priest's outfit Because plenty of people Were closer to Fulsa Doom That were just regular congregants So if he just pretended to be

A new regular congregate It seems like that would be a way better plan Right if you just showed up Like I'm a fucking freakish mountain of meat And I'm here to join your cult We can always use a freakish mountain of meat in a cult And they show

His plan like Totally going off the rails in real time When he goes up to one of the guards Who again he did not have to go up to Nobody stopped him, he just walks right up to him Hands him this jade amulet That only the thief from the Famously stolen jade amulet

Nobody's handing him the amulets Why are you doing this I'm the buffest priest ever You've never seen me before And here's the stolen goods everyone's looking for I'm gonna go up and see your god king now And he immediately just takes it Without saying a word he walks straight to like a supervised

He's like okay look at this It's off the part so quickly It doesn't even have a pretense of working So if you're watching along You're picking apart the plot threads thinking you're smart Yeah everybody else, no he's a dish You're right that actually Is pretty great it's like Conan should

Don't let Conan come up with a plan Have you seen what happens when Conan comes up with a plan That was his whole plan So I'm just gonna walk up to him now It's what he gets He could have just killed his way in No problem Or like Lydia said

Just present yourself as As like an opera I'm a huge pile of meat Like look you've got like other piles of meat around You've got fucking spinal tap here at the big hammer And they wouldn't recognize him They haven't seen him since he was a child No nobody's seen him

There was no reason for any of this And it's great Poor Conan he's so dumb So it doesn't work out they crucify him Another fun fact is that the Contemplates this on the tree of woe It's fantastic What an awesome thing to say

In his like beautiful gown James Earl Jones comes out And his beautiful gown of like Snake print Does he die? Couldn't decide if he was dying Or if he literally died and came back from the dead After they crucified him

I don't think you're supposed to know Certainly he was dying but not before he killed a vulture with his teeth Not even to eat it or to like sustain himself He just spat it out and it's like Got one Those buzzards had lice And so So the buzzard handler

Had to give Arnold Schwarzenegger like Alcohol to Gargle So that uh But yeah he had buzzard lice in his mouth During the filming of this one Wait wait what? Yeah what? Yeah like those are real buzzards And he had to put a real buzzard in his mouth

You can't even tell that it's I know they could have used to put it This is trivia that Like is famously all over the internet So it's entirely possible This is some bullshit that just like became a legend But like I believe it I mean you have an actual outtake of him just getting attacked by a doll

Like if this movie If this movie is about anything It's about animal cruelty Like they go and see Arnold Schwarzenegger Punch dogs, punch a camel Like stab a snake Bite a vulture Why?

It's easier to get Arnold Schwarzenegger To put a lice-ridden buzzard in his mouth To make a buzzard puppet I think that's what the filmmakers were saying here Yeah he'll just do it He was so agreeable I'm so glad that I don't feel sorry for him I feel more like this is like

Getting revenge for things he will do later That he only got paid $250,000 It's entirely possible That like he was just being himself Who at that point was just a fantastic jerk Like he's a very entertaining jerk But it's very possible that they were like Don't make the puppet

He's such a dick Just let the dogs go Let's see what happens The filthy fucking bird in his mouth Go suck a vulture Conan Anyway he Like I guess dies whatever They bring him back to the wizard

So luckily they met that wizard in time And he paints characters all over him But that's not really the plan The plan is that like the demons Come take him away I guess that's how death works Like demons come and take your spirit away It's never really explained

If you're badass enough they have to come Fight the soul out of your body probably The plan is just To tie him down real good So that they can't take his soul And they punch the ghost too They punch the ghost It seems like it kind of works

Like she's kind of hitting him with her knife It's a perfect Conan plan I thought about it for even a second Nobody even thought to think about it They were like that sounds like a good plan Well they can't take him if we tie him down And what if they try I'ma hit him

It looked like this was going to be like a resurrection ritual Or like a healing ritual But then the demons come and mock out Isn't like oh yeah This happens all the time Let me shoot some fireballs at these ghosts He's just crying He has no idea

He was just going to pretend Like oh I'm sorry It didn't work you know I tried Don't kill me This dude's a full grifter He's just like a snake oil salesman in the middle of the desert Just drawing random tattoos on this dead guy Like oh this is totally work I've done this before

Well and also remember He's like there will be a price to pay And the girl character Who doesn't have a name Is instantly like oh I'll pay it I'll pay the price so I'm in love with him You didn't have to say it We know you're the one paying it

It's not going to be the hilarious wizard guy It's not going to be Tsubo Tai Archer and Thief Like it's going to be the girl that didn't get a name yet Yup So the next plan they have Is a little bit better They cover themselves in rad Like

Camouflage paint I think it's pretty good They kind of just go in quiet And then they just go crazy Arnold sneaking Just a visual of Arnold In that enormous Buick of a body just trying to

Tiptoe around you No you can just Feel him coming through the floor There's no way You can hear his muscles creaking like six blocks away Well and they also happen to show up During their like five o'clock orgy time So that was on their side

Yeah they're just Huge magical snake orgy Orgy and uh Human pea soup eating Yeah They make such a big deal Bring out this cauldron Like show the entire like ceremonial

Precession to put it out there Conan knocks it over in the middle of the fight He's like you know what fuck your guys a soup And it doesn't do anything It doesn't hurt anybody Not even like a home alone trap It does nothing he just fucks their dinner up That's another moment where I was sure

Like oh he's gonna spill the big soup on them And like scold them and that's gonna be how he gets rid Of a bunch of the guys and then they're like No it's just soup it's their dinner Also it has body parts in it And the girl picks up a hand and like licks Soup off the hand because there's just a full Hand in the soup and like a head

And then the soup is just used As like a comedy thing almost Like a slapstick Conan plan I have two comments from the commentary I'd like to share with you One of them was I was getting laid a lot In this movie it's amazing

And there's one From this scene that where Arnold says There's a corpse that's got really big tits He's just a dog Somebody taught to talk If it still has all its holes Arnold is into it Like 30 years later

He would become a sentient being Like in 2005 He became self aware And then he's like Oh god I've got to do some different stuff But up until then he was just a pile Of reactions I did notice that they were only eating women

Don't know if you noticed that there were no nude male corpses That were like hung up in the background For to be made into food It was all women Like chickens and cows you don't You eat the ladies Apparently that was their role Man meat

Man meat's not very tender Anyway that's the plan and it works It works to paint themselves In a relevant camouflage And sneak Arnold in And then once they're in there Just fucking kill everybody And then they take the princess and run

And kill some more people and it's awesome They almost get away Except for they don't realize Thulsa Doom can turn a snake into an arrow Which is just the best Yeah so okay that's another He picks up the snake, he whispers to it Seeks

And you're like okay it's gonna like spy on them And then he pulls it straight Turns it into an arrow and shoots it Into the woman and I'm like How could I ever have known I think his magic only works for women Because there's no reason he would want to hit the woman He'd want to get Arnold

But I think the snake's like Alright if you're not going to specify I'm going for that hot lady And come on So for Arnold, even if you were presented With three targets he's Eight times the size of that one The threat is clear Barely holding on to that

Horse or camel he's just like flopping all over Just you can nail him so easily But he shoots the woman of course And as she's dying she says The hardest core fucking thing Says let me breathe my last breath Into your mouth Oh Lydia didn't like it

You got no sense of romance Lydia It was nasty It's so hard to write There's no toothbrushes in that world There's no tooth brushing at all That's true and he does have a buzzard Lice in his mouth as an actor Not even the character

You're gonna have soul in your mouth Soul and lice Just all up in your grill There's a scene I wanted to mention Before we get too far past it I think it's the movie's only flaw It's when Arnold Thorson, the guy that's in every Arnold movie

He plays the guy with The Hinchman with Bangs, Thor Graham I think is his name In the movie, anyway he has the hammer and he swings it And he knocks down that entire pillar And like you know it's all falling And then it cuts to his face like he's like Did I do that? He's kind of sorry?

Yeah it's such a strange expression Yeah it's like they were going for this Urkel gag but like He missed by so much as an actor That I'm like what the fuck Was that reaction? Is that the best take they could get? Anyway that's my only Fault with Conan the Barbarian

Guy with comically large Circus Hammer is Just seated all throughout this movie We haven't discussed him much but he's Great in that he just doesn't seem To ever know what he's doing in the movie Seems like somebody pointed him one direction And he just realized he's going the opposite direction

And like every tech like oh shit I'm gonna go over here with my Huge inflatable hammer I guess I do like in Conan's village In the start of the movie some guy sees that giant hammer He's like I got an idea I'm gonna stand perfectly still With my shield up and he's like dude

This is a hammer he has a rate in the shield with it Fucking guy's dead as hell Their next plan Is another fantastic one They basically Lay an ambush For Thulsa Doom and his men and they just Like pop out and wreck everybody

They kill At least seven stunt horses I love the trap though it's excellent It's excellent trap speaking as an expert Trappist I love their traps Like all the classics on display there And I want to say

The circus hammer guy There was a reason they highlighted him And it's all paid off here When he sees Conan's helmet and he's like oh Strength test here it is I was designed to do this and he reels back And gives it a good solid bop

Only that's the trigger for a trap that kills him So you knew he was gonna strength test With that hammer and exploded that I love that he thinks he's Like outsmarted Conan And he's like haha the fool Has decided to crouch there in plain sight And doesn't realize he has a smashable head

And he hits it And Spike comes and hits him in the stomach It's Fanta, fucking Looney Tunes It's pure Looney Tunes It's totally a Bugs Bunny gag It's so good Yeah it's surprising

Like I literally gasped when he got Spiked Yeah and Arnold like walks up And just gets right in his face like You fucking died to Looney Tunes Watch you bleed out I thought you and I would share A laugh at how stupid this was

So you fell for it Fanta Tunes too That's the Arnold impression That's the one right there Leading with that So they Before this they had burned the woman And uh

It's important she had a Viking funeral And the gods embraced her or something Yeah for sure Just wanna lay that groundwork You were about to talk to the other guy Yeah well shh Cause Arnold's kinda losing the next fight We kinda get to drop on him

It's not going well but then She shows up Sandy shows up as a Valkyrie And like hits him in the face with the sunlight beam And that's all All of her like sultry mystical armor Like that's her role is now she's got like Form fitting

Sultry armor and it dazzles in the sun And it blinds him with her form Yup That's her big role I think we forgot to mention too that earlier About how like if I die I would come back And I would kick ass with you or something

Yeah she kept her promise But it was like I'm so in love with you That I would not let death separate us And since there's two more movies I'm assuming She probably disappears forever I don't know we'll get to that We'll get to Conan the destroyer which is crazy

In so many new and wonderful ways I love this whole scene because Obviously they kinda have some powers now Like they got a Valkyrie on their side Conan is killed Only threats to him in a fight And then Tulsa on the way out Like all of his men are dead he starts to run away

But on the way out he's like you know what Fuck you guys I'm gonna shoot a little Sucker arrow into the princess Gonna stiff snaker Yeah he's gonna stiff snaker And then they just jump in the way Block it with a shield I think Subotai gets the block So Tulsa do like couldn't even land

This petty cheap shot To run away while they cheer Like a total bitch Just humiliated You kinda think that's the end of the movie And like maybe they're gonna leave him out there The way that it's shot and framed And the way that they celebrate

Like okay this is the end Like they're gonna go back with the princess The threat is still out there And it's not over And they cut immediately to them Sneaking back into his temple Again Just to fuck him up

Just because you know what Fuck you you're not getting out of this You're not gonna be a big bad guy like looming on the horizon So they sneak back in this time with the princess's help And again you're supposed to believe that Arnold Can sneak around like You can see this his enormous shadow Just like dwarfing the guards and they're like

Not blinking and turning around Like he's the worst guy to sneak around But it works it works so well He makes it right backstage at Tulsa do's like Trump rally and he's like He's like oh hey I see you And his only defense was to walk up to him And give him like

The ambison speech Like the hey I didn't even think anything of it But like the day I touched your life Was the most important thing that's ever happened to you And like all of your trauma I gave that to you That's why you're so badass I turned you into a wheel dump

He basically says Luke I am your father Like let's truck I've got no sword he's just He's an unstoppable fucking fury golem I'm just gonna go for the dad gambit I'm just gonna Look maybe I'm your dad

Maybe I'm your dad right No that's not gonna work He like seems to realize no Right but no You didn't go for that one That's cool This is some of the greatest storytelling Ever done because

We skipped over this the last scene but The second henchman was using his father's sword Arnold's father's sword From the beginning of the movie In that fight Arnold cuts it in half With his new Atlantean sword And he takes the remains of it Just like eight inches of jagged

Blade and that's what Right now he jams into Tulsa Dooms neck So instead of saying like oh my god you're right You're my dad he's just like no fuck you This is my dad this sword Is my dad Meet my fucking sword dad Over the course of two very clumsy chops

His new sword dad Hacks off Tulsa Dooms head and he just Holds it up he's like fuck you For such a long time Just like quietly Uncertainly Yeah well he throws it down He just bowls it like a bocce ball down the steps

And then he sits there he just stands there Like okay what are you gonna do now Like I'm not running away But they like know what to do This is in their cult manual it's like If you're leader's head off everyone slowly Get in a single file line and you know Douse your torch that's what you do

When this happens like they know They had a protocol for like if a barbarian Comes up and chops off his head and bowls it Down the stairs and then stands there quietly I love that he stands there quietly and he has No next step he's just like The end right guys? It's the best The end they all have to agree

This is full Conan nerd here Maybe this is entry level Conan nerd but like This sword got its own three act story And then if you were a Full dork you could argue that this Movie is this is The main character of the movie is the sword The story of the sword it's all

It's a riddle of steel Cause this sword was forged by His father had a big speech about it Got taken away from his dead body used To cut off the head of Conan's mom Conan did all kinds of Unspeakable things while in the hands of

Conan's worst enemies and then Conan cut it And they're like oh that story is over But no it comes back And kills the guy from the beginning And then it's finally over cause Conan throws the broken sword after the head And I'm just saying like this is some good Writing without any irony

This is good writing To have this much Story for just a sword I guess if it was about the sword But it seemed like they were setting up They said in the beginning that Conan Rules his own land in time Or something and then you do the whole movie

And he's in front of all these people That worship Paul Sedum and he's killed Paul Sedum and I thought oh this is how he Gets his kingdom he's also been offered Like unlimited riches By the other king who says you could Make a kingdom with these riches so he's got the money He's got the people

No that's not the story about it Agent of chaos well Conan is the saga like Conan is Hundreds of years of Hundreds of books and I'm saying This movie is sort of the story About this sword I don't like to make this case too much That I'll only be like one of those guys is like

Oh the city is one of the characters of the show But like this it's Framed in a way that you can have this discussion It doesn't seem like we're going to But that's like I think a way to look At the movie that is elegant I see what you're saying it does work if you look at it

That way for sure like it's a good arc For the sword much Better than for Conan I totally believe that Conan had a fucking Bender Yeah Conan was just a loose maniac And then some stuff happened around him

That made a story I think the writers I would give them that credit I would say I could probably see your interpretation As their intention I do think there are some elements The writer is Academy Award winning Oliver Stone I do think

He knew what he was doing He also knew what he was doing enough to just break every rule Because he thought it would be fun Like what if this guy What if this guy is just a maniac that doesn't listen to me At all As I go through this and that's what the movie was That's what Conan was rampaging through

His screenplay And yeah I don't know how disruptive The coup was But it happened while they were filming in Spain Is like they did kind of have a Reset on the government Or a partial reset on the government But I mean they were in the wilderness

Fucking around with vulture breeders The movie itself was such an agent of chaos It's a miracle anybody survived this movie This movie should have just resulted In the death of every single actor And old cast and crew How do we know that the movie Didn't start the coup

Didn't Dino De Laurentiis do Wasn't he part of Apocalypse Now Wasn't he a producer on Apocalypse Now Was he? I thought he might be Again it's another one of those production stories Where it's like what the fuck I'm starting to think it might be him

It might be him He might just be a lunatic Who fed vultures to his lead actor Maybe Didn't have the best idea of like how to Run a movie set There are multiple movies that devolve Into just pure chaos with body counts

And just dog attacks If that happens multiple times like once Okay that's just a fun accident Multiple dog attacks Maybe somebody's steering those dogs Right Anyway I want to ask Lydia Something

Okay So this movie ends with the narrator Once again just like you said at the start They tell us that he's going to become king by his own hand And the movie ends With him become With a shot of him while the narrator says And he became king

By his own hand and that's another story Do you think The next movie is about that Oh my god Yeah I do that last shot It is not Well I should have known You think the third movie is about that

The third movie Yeah it's red Sonya So he's like a side character Do you think they resolved that in the third movie Well Yeah I'm going to say yeah Did they do it in the third movie To this day

They still have never They have not made Conan the Conqueror That explains how he became a king They made multiple movies teasing that storyline Just never did it Fucking age and chaos I love it so much This proves that once again I'm very bad at predicting Conan

I'll just never be able to figure it out They've got to make it someday Like they made the new Conan It wasn't very good with Jason Momoa They better hurry That last shot was my favorite Of the movie of him sitting on the throne I was like that looks badass

You can tell they pulled it directly from a comic Yeah like it's so It's so like It's so teasing it gets your imagination Firing it's such a good idea And then you hear that it's getting a sequel And then the sequel comes out and you're like It's not about that at all

Wait what And then you hear that there's a spin off And you're like okay maybe they're going to hash this out And you're like Nope not about that either What Everybody's just been baffled for several decades now As they continue to ignore this

And talk about it It's called Conan the Conqueror We know it has a title Nope they refuse to make it All the actors killed themselves Podcast Correct The craft isn't trapped

It's not without 4 hours Come on You can do it 1,000,000 1,000,000 1,000,000 1,000,000

1,000,000 1,000,000 1,000,000 1,000,000 1,000,000 Ladies and gentlemen please welcome The 1,900 Hot Dog Dancers These are your Supremes

Brie Finger Louie Adam Ruth Adrian H Oh doing the robot it's Aiden Muat Alpha Sciences Javo Armando Nava Benjamin Sirenin Chase McPherson

Children love the meat melee yes they do Oh hey also doing the robot it's Chris Brower Dan Bush The artist formerly known as Devin The laziest man on Mars Dean Costello Dr. Awkward Oh hey third robot it's Fancy Shark

Hi Fancy Shark Haraka Jamie Gordon Jeremy Neal Next up it's the J squad that's right Here's a John John McCammon Josh Pavian

That's your J squad K&M Lyman Mojoo Stop doing the robot ND Neil Bailey Nick Ralston Patrick Herbst

Rhea Come on the stage is crowded with robots here I'm dying Chris Joslin Timi Lahey Tom Sikula Zachary Evans Zadar Fan

And Flamenco dancing for us tonight It's Matt Cortez that's the robot Matt god damn it