The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - Dogg Zzone 9000 - Episode 37, Conan the Podcast: Part 2 - Conan the Destroyer

Episode Date: August 25, 2021

Brockway rides his horse up and nets Seanbaby and Lydia Bugg to drag them back into the Conan podcast! This time: Conan the Destroyer, the family-friendly big-budget goofy PG sequel to Conan the Barbarian, which was none of those things.

1900 hot dog 1900 hot dog Out of podcast slams, with maximum hype Say Hot Dog Podcast, word Yeah When you taste that nitrate power You're in the dog zone for an hour Come on

You know the number 1900 1900 hot dog 1000 1900 hot dog 1900 1900 hot dog 1000

00 Yeah, 9000 Welcome to the dog zone 9000 I am Robert Brockway Just struggling Fighting tooth and nail not To do another Mako impression With me, as always, my partner Sean Baby

Hither came Conan, the Sumerian Sword in hand Let me tell you of the days of High adventure And now you see why I was struggling Not to do it I knew it was going to happen I didn't want it to be all Mako

All the way down Anyway, also here with the Best Mako impression of all of us Lydia Bug Hi, it's me Mako Wow, I'm stunning Unreal Oh my god, it's so good to have you

Here Mako, I mean Lydia Thank you so much for having me Of course, of course And before we destroy everything As would be appropriate for this podcast About Conan the Destroyer Do you have a plug? Anything to push today? Um, yeah, still

Still the trailer park boys comic It's on the trailer park Wait, trailerparkcomics.com You can pre-order it It's the second in a series That I wrote for the It's like an anthology comic And I wrote one of the stories in it

I knew you were going to ask And she did the first one too Yeah, I did the first one too I knew you were going to ask And I should have been ready for that But somehow I wasn't But yeah, that's it I think you saved it

Flawless Mako, perfect plug Yeah, I've really Firing in all cylinders today Thematically appropriate for Conan the Destroyer Which is just a total left turn For the Conan series But you never expect it

Coming from the first movie So I really appreciate you bringing That just wild energy My favorite too, so far I freaking love this one It's great in a whole different way What are your like high level thoughts? What do you give us

Your overall rundown As the only person here Who has not seen it 18 times at least? Oh my gosh Well, I could watch it 18 times Like I get this one a lot more Than I do the last one Conan's more of like a hero figure

In it I feel like And even I read the Wikipedia page On it because I enjoyed it so much And basically it seems like They took feedback directly from me To make this movie They like made it a little slapstickier Than the first one

They toned down the sex a little bit Brought it down to PG Instead of R So like there weren't all those Random scenes of just Conan Banging a lady and then throwing her Into a fire Which I have no problem with

Just found a little boring Because they were so long Corpse titties everywhere No corpse titties this time I don't think there was a single pair Of corpse titties Which is like it's hard to recognize it As a Conan movie without corpse titties

Yes My one thing I had was I was constantly in fear Of Conan having sex with a girl They referred to as the child The whole movie I could sense that And I was like just

Oh please don't Please don't let it happen And it didn't And that made me happy Okay yeah even in 1984 I don't think they would give A 13 year old to Arnold Schwarzenegg I still think everybody

Recognized that as a bad idea At the time Yeah like I didn't love the way That they dressed her Because she was obviously Supposed to be very sexualized Like by her dress But like the way they treated her

I really liked Because it was like you know They all thought it was just kind of cute She's a teenager She's like interested in Conan But he has this like you know Kid sister relationship with her That was great

And even when they do kiss He's not kissing her He's kind of like Okay She 100% can't handle Conan You don't want your first time To be with Conan the destroyer That's why they call him

Conan the destroyer Yeah And they also said Valeria's name Like a hundred thousand times In this movie Which I was pissed They didn't name her before

And it was like They realized that to you And were like I'm so sorry Her name's Valeria We're gonna say it every five minutes Yeah she got name checked We forgot It's embarrassing

So many times in this movie And it must have been A reaction to them being like To audiences coming out of that movie And being like I really liked the woman What was her name And then being like

Oh shit I knew we forgot something Valeria Valeria It was Valeria the whole time Like that sounds like A generic fantasy lady name She has such a huge role

In this movie And is not in it Yeah I really thought she would come back But again Nope Wouldn't that be right If she came back

As just a fucking Viking ghost And then like They had to deal with that Like oh yeah Also on our quest Is the Viking ghost Lady Who is just gonna

Fuck you up so bad Yeah why not I feel like they could have Fit that in the movie No problem Yeah Um But let's do some conan

To destroy your stats This movie made 31 million dollars In the box office Not too much more Than its budget So it was not a success They critically panned

Uh It was 1984 So I was Eight years old So this film was The best movie I'd ever seen Obviously I can see that

Now Director John Milius Was the He directed Conan the Barbarian And he got replaced In this movie with Richard Fleischer Who was Very much just like

A competent dude That sort of directed Everything he did Soylent Green And 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea And Tora Tora Tora And Mandingo So like

Diverse but like Not like Visionary films Uh Whereas I think Milius Is like Uh He did Dirty Harry

And Jeremiah Johnson And Magnum Force And Evil Knievel And the Devil's Eight So he had like A love for Independent thinking Like lunatic

Violence masters So he was perfect For Conan And that's why Conan the Barbarian Is such a Conan movie And this is just

A cute little like Drunken Dungeons & Dragons Module It is so crazy That like What Lydia loved about it It's so wild That they went that direction

With it Nobody would ever see it coming After watching the first Conan That the next one Is going to be A big budget Pretty much family friendly Just fantasy adventure

You would expect Just a drunken nude Lude Fucking crazy Rambling Barely sensical brawl And it made So much money

Like it Didn't have that big of a budget Made a fortune back Everybody loved it And then they saw that And went Well for the sequel Let's not do any of it

Let's make actually normal movie For the kids Using this same property Which we have established Is just Sex berserker All throughout And it's crazy to me

That they put Horny wheel idiot Horny wheel idiot And they put this framework And yet there are still Moments Conan is still A horny wheel idiot

Throughout this movie They don't change The core of Conan And I love it so much That he gets to lead This fucking Disney action feature Style

Yeah Romp Just as As a Dick first violence golem It is It's one of my favorite decisions And I love how weird it holds up

I love how surprising it is To anybody that watches The first movie And then you're like Wait till you get to Conan the destroyer Which I was saying to Lydia Over and over

Because it's such a left turn And you don't think I mean it how I mean it Yeah It's like a Muppet Babies Version of the first movie Totally It's great

Celebrity cameos everywhere It's just Yeah Oh it's so good Where were the celebrity cameos Where could they be Where Where

Wait I forget that you're young enough You might be serious I am serious Yeah Also I meant to tell you guys When you said the first movie Was directed by Oliver Stone

I thought that was a bit No written by Oliver Stone Written by Oliver Stone He was directed by Okay Yeah Yeah directed by John Milius Written by Oliver Stone

Yeah it sounds like it should be a bit But it wasn't That's why that movie is so like Weirdly good But let's talk about I did write down some Wilt the Stilt Stats Yeah these are the celebrity cameos

Wilt Chamberlain was a bombata Okay I didn't know that I knew he's a basketball player right Yes he is Right Also just one of the Biggest like sports icons In the world at the time

Huge celebrity cameo to get And Grace Jones again Like at that time Was a massively exploding Supermodel everywhere Like these were both Huge celebrity cameos To just drop into bit parts

In this movie Okay And I guess I looked around the trivia For this movie and Apparently Grace Jones Was supposed to be a dude Cause

But somebody saw the name Zula And just said Oh that's a ladies name And Cast Grace Jones Changed nothing in the character And it works so well But they

Yeah I guess they kinda wanted To go back to the original idea But I think once you Are stuck with Grace Jones You're stuck with her forever Like you can't get rid of Grace Jones Also she's just going to

Play Grace Jones And you're gonna You're gonna fucking love it It's gonna be the best thing You've ever seen She has no range She's amazing But

Lydia I want to drop Some Wilt the Stilt Stats on you He's the only NBA player To ever score 100 points in a game Can you guess The other two men Who came close Michael Jordan

That's one of them Who's the basketball player That I've heard of Cause if I've heard of them They're probably Really good Probably Carmelo Anthony

Kobe Bryant was the other one Kobe had 81 once And Jordan had 63 And that's it Of the sports nerds Who've recorded like Statistics on Sporty statistic nerd things

Wilt the Stilt has 45 records That most historians agree Will never be beaten Basically any scoring Like the way you rearrange The numbers like we say Who has the most 60-point games Who has the most 40-point games

Consecutive Broken up doesn't matter Wilt the Stilt has Just this insane number of stats He averaged 50.4 points Per game in one season Which is completely absurd That's like four dudes worth of points

He averaged 23 rebounds a game In his career He got 55 rebounds in a single game Which is more than most Misses in a game That means he got like Every rebound for like An entire night

Is he really tall Like even for a basketball player Tall because he and Carl Schwarzenegger Look so tiny I felt like there was a rule That he was only allowed To stand next to him

For like two seconds Yeah, he was enormous Yeah, he's seven foot one Is what he's listed at I don't know, I think 6-1 I think he's like a tall man But not a gigantic one Yeah, all that just

Meaningless to me But to contextualize it It would be like getting Michael Jordan At like the peak of his career In a 90s movie That wasn't Space Jam Like this was

This was Space Jam Of the 80s Conan the Destroyer Was the Space Jam of the 80s I will stand I will die on this hill Defeating all enemies I do think it was weird

Because he was sort of In his fight scenes He was like a powerhouse And that's sort of what the character did Like he'd help Conan lift shit But like In his fight scenes He didn't use his height at all

And I thought that was really unusual Well, not to skip too far ahead But I do disagree with you In that last one Well, I guess my standard is If you've ever seen I know you have Jean-Claude Van Damme

And Dennis Rodman And a double team And they can't all be that good though Right Samuel Hung did the fights For that movie And you can see these fights Where Dennis Rodman just

Wrecks dudes from like Across the room With these 14 foot arms And I'm like This is brilliant Whereas I did not see That in this movie And all the fights in this movie

Are awesome Which we should get to I'm totally blanking Was it Game of Death? Was it That was with Kareem Abdul-Jabbar They did a lot of good stuff with him Also did just great use

That kick from the chair Was just setting the scene For like Okay, you gotta forget Everything you brought Because this guy is just He's just fighting you with rubber arms Like you're basically fighting plastic man

Plastic man rules 23-inch footprint on Bruce Lee's chest Okay, we're already getting distracted Yeah, we're all over the place Now I just I really love Wilt the Stilt And that's how far out of the movie

I get taken When Wilt Chamberlain Comes on the screen I'm like Oh, hey, there's Wilt Chamberlain Yeah, it's fucking crazy He's doing sports nerds dance It is a celebrity cameo

And he plays Not too much Not to get too far into spoilers He plays the bad guy And it's like Wait, what fucking Michael Jordan Shows up in your fantasy murder movie And he plays the villain is just

Right Yeah, it's completely out of left field You couldn't see him Like you being removed from this Just saw him as a character first I'm sure But at the time I even I thought he just looked like a nice guy

And I thought he was gonna do a character turn You know, I really was expecting the whole time He was having so much fun Yeah, he seemed like he was having a good time He loved I feel like hauling that girl around And I feel like she had a lot of fun Just like being picked up Like that looked like it would be so fun

And I thought he was gonna be like No, I like this girl I've been protecting her the whole movie Like I'm gonna continue to do that No, did not happen Well, now One thing I noticed at the start of this movie That was absent

Was the Nietzsche quote Now, do you think Changing this from mass market appeal Meant they left off the Nietzsche quote Changing it to PG Do you think the kids That seems crazy I mean, Nietzsche's a crowd pleaser

Love Nietzsche, right? If you want the teens, you do Nietzsche Yeah If you want the soccer moms The karate dads Right, like Gays in the Bis The abysses back Kids fucking love that

Kids love that No beautiful surfaces without terrible depth Every toddler I've told that to Has immediately started crying in joy Yeah, they love it Let's start talking about the movie I love the opening scene Where Conan is just hanging out

Praying because it's such a weirdly Non-conan thing to do While Malek is just hanging out To a slab Yeah, what is he? Yeah, just to a random slab It's in the middle of like Just like the desert

Like a mountain range Right Is that for his god Or did he just find it And thought it looked like a good place to pray I'd seen no one what we know about crom I gotta assume it's just This reminds me a little bit of crom

Somehow This is crom's rock And from a storytelling standpoint Like these guys are on the run Like the fucking loot is hot There's people on their tail And they stop for what seems to be A nine-day-long prayer ritual

On some rock And I love Malek Because again Just reinforcing that This is your Disney action feature This is Rob Schneider This is just a Rob Schneider character As a wacky

He's too lovable As a wacky size Full comic relief For no other purpose In a Conan movie Like would just get a sword up the ass And then right out the mouth In the first Conan

Would just be butchered terribly And now they're like No, let's give the drunken maniac Barbarian a tiny lovable guy To make jokes It's just such Like I called A Kiro

I think they say his name is in this one But Mako I called Mako in the first one A stepdork This is your dork of the steps I take it back Yeah, I said that today This character would be played by Aaron Paul

Like he thought they reminded me of Yeah, Jesse from Breaking Bad Yeah, it's just I could see that Just real funny little guy energy In a place where that should Just get you devoured whole But he fought pretty good too

He did good double stabbies With those tiny knives They gave him a lot of good Like real cowardly opportunistic kills Which I really appreciate As a cowardly opportunistic killer Like that's how I would fight Yeah, I kind of thought the same thing

That's what I do I just jump on his horse And stab him in the neck I get legitimately worried For Conan at the start of the movie every time Because it does seem like If a guy has a net And you're just standing there

And he's on a horse I just don't see how you're getting out of that situation Without getting a net on you But Conan's weakness is not nets No The first guy comes up with a net Just forgets to throw it

Conan just cuts him in half Two guys come out with one big net And he just ducks under it Grabs it Cranks him both off their horses He does kill those two horses Like we see those two horses He punches the horse

Completely die He punches another horse later Yeah And you think that's going to be the callback To the first movie where he punched the camel Like watching it You're like Oh, I recognize that callback

But that's not it Then he punches the camel Yeah, it's like That was when it started I was like They love punching animals In this movie Like the first ten minutes

You get like three animal punches It worked so well It must have tested So high with audiences They love it when they are All out punching animals They're like Everybody fucking loved that camel punching scene

For reasons we don't understand And the movie did not expect If you gave people like Like a focus group And said What do you remember from Conan and the Barbarian? I bet the highest percentage Of events would be camel punch

Remember our back Because that movie is so dream-like and insane But the camel punch is like real And yeah, that's it I do love these horse stunts Because like when he pulls those guys up the net Those stunt guys like Pull the horses into the ground

So hard They die They are dead And Then when he punches that horse Like that guy pulls the horse into the ground So Perfectly with Conan's punch

That I don't know if they meant to do it Like that might have been just Conan punching out the horse I bet I think he punched the horse I think knowing what I know of Arnold Schwarzenegger In the 80s Yeah, but he absolutely did Yeah, you're probably right In the 80s

He's on the director's commentary track Going I punched that horse They're like Okay, now Conan Do not punch the horse Okay I got it

I'll come any closer Then pull the horse down to work It's the ninth horse of the day Okay, I will punch this one I dated that horse for three months It won't talk to me anymore It hates me now That's even better than your Mako

Oh my god, thank you That is the most dead on Arnold My god What are we even doing here? I'm not going to do any impressions anymore I'm just going to wait for you to do it Anyway, this fight goes so badly That they just have to call it

Will Chamberlain's character, Bombata Just swings his little worldly tube And is just like, alright, you know what This is not working We came ready, but he's just killed all of our guys Basically And so then, after like They try to just net him

And then they try to talk to him I love that logic Net him first But now we'll make a deal with him I thought that was like a test That's one way to look at it But it does seem like they threw away their best guys On the test

I think that was just a sort of like We are going to lose this And here's another sense of like That old Conan movie sensibility When Queen Tiramis comes out And she's just She's just evil in She's the most clearly evil sorceress

Like her get-up, her demeanor Her like weird smile You're like, don't trust her Conan She's evil and the first words Conan says Is just like, basically You're an evil sorceress You think the movie's going to like Slow play it

But he's just like No, you're an evil sorceress And then she offers him a deal To get Valeria back And he's like Well, you're an evil sorceress So you could probably do that And just like, yes

Conan is in league with evil Like just like that I was fully on board with all these Character motivations Because he obviously hates wizards He doesn't trust them No one should trust Tamaris And yet he's so in love with

Valeria that he's like No, it's worth the shot Sure, I'll do this She offers no proof She doesn't try to convince him That I can bring back the dead She's just like Yeah, I could do that

She demonstrates some entry-level magic And he's like, yeah All right, good enough for me I've got no follow-up questions That's it Yeah, I like that It's his adventure going It's his adventure going too though

Because it gave him a You know, it makes him More sympathetic character Because he's not doing it Just for like money Or to survive It's like for noble cause So, and also

Even though he's an idiot Like Wheel idiot Wheel idiot Unique kind of idiot That makes it more believable That he just wouldn't ask any questions And would be like, yeah

Okay, you say you can bring My girlfriend back from the dead I know only wheel So, I assume I know, I love that I love that he's still just like And he is throughout this whole movie He's just like a sheltered dipshit

It's just like Like a freakishly strong Amish kid Came to the city And it's a series of people Taking advantage of them It's just so good It just occurred to me that This is kind of a villain move

By Conan Because from his perspective And even later in the movie He says like She is with Crom She sits by his side Like she's She's in Valhalla

She's got everything a person could want And he's gonna like Rip her from that Just to like Fucking bang on earth For a few more years These are like Advanced philosophical concepts

And there's no way They gave him that scroll In the cage And between giving him Just women to ruin And men to kill They also give him the scroll That's like

Let's talk about what heaven means And what it means to yearn for life For your loved ones No, it never occurred to him You're right He doesn't have an Extensive ethics background I'm saying it's a

It's a selfish move Conan Which is all he knows He doesn't think she's like dead Or in hell He thinks she's in His version of everlasting paradise And he wants to just keep Giving it to her

So that never occurs to him This debate never occurs to him They take him back To the evil city And Conan then meets the callback Here's the callback He meets the same camel Audiences

Same camel Love it It's played so fucking Looney Tunes Like Okay, I don't remember it I'm trying to think back to it I hear the whole scene

Where he meets the camel And it's like Sorry, buddy And the camel spits on him He punches the camel out again I hear wacky sound effects And saxophone music the whole time Were there wacky sound effects?

Was there a laugh track For just this moment? That had to have been It's just such like a Kevin Smith move It feels like a Kevin Smith move From the future Come back to do a gag And Conan destroyer

Yeah, it's just It's such a weird movie To do a callback gag It's such a weird scene Because he was just a drunken Problem in that scene But that's your callback The Conan line is to look at him

And just laugh And then punch him again Because it was funny the first time It's funny the second time It like did not land though Like the first movie No one liked that camel punch So those guys looked at him like

That was fucked up Yeah Maybe that was their way of apologizing For the first movie Like they were like I know it did well But the kids didn't like it Now it's for kids

So we're so sorry And they take it back By having a punch Fuck you, I'm not sorry I forgot he punches it again Yeah, so never mind No, he didn't learn anything Nobody learned anything yet

So they take him into the nice temple Of sexy sultry dagoth On his eternal chaise lounge With his dick helmet And he's the dreaming god And he looks so friendly And a little coy Definitely got a little fop vibe

Going to him So you think you know what that guy's about You don't But that's for later Evilin says Okay, what you're going to do Is go on this quest with my My niece

Who I'm just going to call She's a princess It's a princess in this movie She's born with this magical mark Which is just a perfect star on her titty That's her magical mark And she needs a show until

Right when they like Are talking about it For most of the movie The mark isn't there, right? No, it's not significant at all Except for it to like Show a little bit of 13-year-old titty In a problem way

Mm-hmm Yep Now I have notes Now that you mention it Yeah, I have some notes now Yeah, there's a little bit Anyway, they Send her and it's super important

It's super important that she's a virgin So they send her to retrieve the horn Of Dagoth And I think we know what that's about, right? Yeah, we know Yeah, there's a lot of heavy-handed symbolism Also, in the script They see

That you have this like Virginal white girl And it's important that her body guard Guards her virginity at all times And the casting director Thought it would be real funny To cast Will Chamberlain I think that's what that was

Because at that point He had that reputation Oh, was he like Yeah Into really young girls? No, no, no He threw It was just

He put up some numbers He was just Yeah It was a huge like Possibly urban legend I want to say out of his own mouth He had 20,000 lovers Yeah, it's like an insane number

And I want to say That was known at this point So like The irony of having him Guard the virginity of a girl Was just like That's got to be the casting in-joke Because that's

Right Looking at the length of his arms and hands If his dung is anything less Than four and a half feet long He's going to look ridiculous naked This guy is here to guard your virginity Wouldn't it be funny If it was the guy who was banged

More women than anybody else In history Ever has or ever will Because nobody's Nobody's breaking that number Even if a tenth of that number Is accurate That's tough to be

That's true Add that to his sports records That will never be broken Yeah, none of his records Will ever be broken So anyway They tell that Conan about that quest And the first step is to steal

A gem from a wizard And we learn that Conan is afraid of magic here Which I love Because it's such a wheel To move To just be like Like he's almost afraid of fire

Just anything he doesn't understand With stars at night I like how they play it Because he's clearly concerned about it But like, not afraid of it He's like You know, what good is a sword Against a sorcery

When he's like I'll figure it out Okay Right And they figure it out By immediately going to get Akira Which I don't remember being his name

Mako They go to get Mako Yeah, they get Mako And he's being eaten by cannibals Because they think they can digest his magic Which I love so much I love that detail That the cannibals

Just think you can He was fully clothed too Like they didn't They were just like Yeah, close it all We'll just throw them all on there Eat all of it I love that it's Conan's

Conan met a wizard once And it doesn't matter to Conan That he never did anything magic He may have He wrote some things on him And it's implied that Might have helped in the first movie To bring him back

But really what we saw Was that they just tied him down And punched spirits in the face And that was hilarious That was not Like he ran and hit him And we just went Holy shit, holy shit

Clearly he did not know Magic was real At that point in time And Conan's just like Well, he's a wizard He's the only one I know I'm gonna go get him I wondered if he was supposed to be

Afraid of magic Because of what happened In the first movie Like Maybe I thought it was just Wheelity Or just

And the books He's just kind of Doesn't like magic Because it's deceitful And cowardly And kind of like Wuss move When like

Steel is so true And you know Flesh is so strong Blah, blah, blah Here I get the sense Of that Amish kid again It's like It's like showing

A Japanese robot To an Amish kid Just into the city He's not gonna trust it He's gonna maybe Try to find a way to break it Just instinctually Right

Wheelity But I think it's wheelity Bombada is given the Task to Betray Conan later And kill him So the plan is to Use Conan to

To get this girl To get the key To get the horn It's just such a dumb plot It's just Here's a prophecy That tells you To do these two things

Yeah, it's two fetch quests And like the betrayal up front It's such a Yes It's like just They had the set pieces And they're like Just run along

Kill some rats Level up Go get this Go get that And then come back here To be betrayed For your betrayal Come get your betrayal

You earned it It's like a bunch of Kids playing Dungeons & Dragons But they've all played Through this module before So like we all Like we know what we're supposed to do Let's just do it again

This will be fun Right, whereas the first one was like It felt like Just making it up Like when you Start playing D&D And you're just You have no idea

You're wandering from plot point To plot point And this one Yeah, it's definitely got that vibe of like You're just running through the level You beat this level already And it's kind of Anti-climactic too

Like especially the first part Right after they get Mako They go and there's like the big Mirrored I don't know Castle thing And it feels like That's gonna be a lot of the movie

Like I'm assuming like Okay, we're gonna do this for a while We're gonna be breaking into this castle And fighting some monsters And getting Taught them on Yeah, and getting the jewel Which I thought was

The whole thing they were getting And there was then more to it But like, you know You gotta get the jewel to get the horn You gotta go on the fetch quest To do the fetch quest Yeah, it's like ten minutes They're in and out of that castle

Well, before that I mean, first they get Mako And two things I love from that scene Are that Conan sees that He's being cooked alive Over the fire And so he puts the fire out With the corpses of the chefs

He just kills the chefs And makes them fall on the fire To put it out It's just such a good Conan move It's pretty good, yeah And I also love how solid And intimate their bromance is That the lines they say to each other

Is Conan just says I need you And Mako says I'm yours It's so good It's beautiful It's like McGroober's shit It's like sarcastic

Like team building action movie guy stuff Yeah, it's definitely their blood sport Jackson in the hospital moment Just, I need you I'm yours, anytime brother It's so pure And it's used in the last movie Like why couldn't you just be there

From the start I don't understand why they had to Let's go get it Because they need to go places And get stuff to do a plot It's the whole movie It's just multiple fetch quests And next they pick up another companion

Zulo's Grace Jones Who just rules You'll never convince me That that wasn't just Grace Jones You know what? I believe she picked that outfit Oh my god, that outfit That was the only part that made me angry

I believe she showed up in that Leather halter top and that horse thong Just a big thong with a horse tail on it I think she showed up in that And who's gonna ask her to change? Are you gonna ask her to change? I really like that she has a little frisbee Strapped to her forehead

That has her hairline drawn on it So the flat top continues Through the helmet Yeah, I love that it has the flat top on it But it also serves It doesn't protect her head at all It just protects her flat top And augments her headbutts

We see her use that later It's just a headbutt augmenter Which is just so good for her character I think she asked for the foxtail, I will say Because her whole ass would be out If it weren't for the foxtail It was definitely a horse tail Believe me, I've seen this movie so many times

I've studied that horse tail Well, that outfit should be illegal So she's part of a group of bandits In this town of total pussies Has killed the rest of the bandits And they have her chained up And they're just kind of fucking with her And they still gave her her stick

And so she's like fighting But she can't really do anything Because she's changing rock Yeah, she doesn't have mobility Right, so Conan's like This sucks And the princess is like He can't let him do this

And so he frees her He just cuts the chain loose And then she puts it on And then she beats up the entire village Right, that's all she wanted She didn't want to get free and run off She just wants a little more mobility To continue beating on these guys

Which she was doing before She was whipping their asses Nobody was getting loads on her But now she's like I can whip your asses out there too And she just She fucking She sticks a guy's face off

She just hits him with a stick Until his face comes off Yeah, he shouldn't have stood Very still Well, that happened I think that's the issue That's not how sticks work But he just sticks his face right off

I love it She's so great So she's dedicating her life to Conan She chases down the group And faces down this gigantic Wilt Chamberlain monster With a stick Who's just clowning her

Like he could kill her at any second He just carves her stick up And so she's facing certain death Just because she wants to give her life for Conan That's how devoted she is to Conan And so is Mako And apparently so is Malik So Conan's got the most loyal team of followers

And then this big guy Who's just waiting for his chance to kill him I mean, he does nothing to deserve it He doesn't really lead At any point He's not the shot caller He calls a few shots because On the girls like, I'm the leader

He's like, okay, lead And he just does whatever he wants He's not a leader so much as Lead in the morning It's a great line But he's also He just does whatever he wants He's not there to like inspire her or anything

But everybody loves him Practically like they're saying He's the main character Like, why do you like Conan so much? Well, because he's the main character of the movie And we're side characters So that's how we're going to survive He is the most naked

Fun fact, when the When the director came on He wanted to make it more PG-13 But he also said That his only note from the first movie Was Conan should have been more nude Like Conan was wearing too many clothes So let's make it for kids

But get this dude fucking butt ass naked He was very nude this movie It was fur, what do you call them Speedo bottoms and that's it And the young virgin Immediately responded to it She's like, he's kind of handsome, right? It's like

Yeah, kind of, I guess I mean, he'll, listen You don't want to start with that You will just be destroyed You don't want to start from there There's no uphill from that That's true Okay, so they arrive at the castle

First part of the fetch quest There's like a glass castle in a lake This is where the wizard Tothamon is We're 27 minutes into the movie This is important to note That we're kind of done with everything And it's 27 minutes into the movie Yeah, this one moves at a break next

The other one moves at a break next speed But it doesn't go anywhere It just goes left, right And you arrive so many places in the first half hour And then it goes nowhere in the next half hour And goes somewhere else in the next And wanders entirely off for the third And this one, like, you're just burning through it

So they just go to sleep Outside the wizard temple because they're tired And I love so much the little detail That Wilt Chamberlain sleeps standing Like a horse Right Like he's just, with those legs It's just, it's more work to sit down

Than is worth the fuel he consumes in a day He's never been in a room where he can lay down Absolutely But they just go to sleep They don't post a guard Everybody goes to sleep They don't do anything They're right next to the wizard castle

And of course he turns into a missed bird And just takes the girl Which would look so cool And it made me be like Why do we need CGI? This looks amazing Yeah It was a good effect

It was fun It was a lot of fun Also, he should have used that more than that one time But uh Oh, definitely Yeah, there were so many other times He could have used it Never appear again

Just WWE wrestling With Arnold Schwarzenegger He could have like Turned into a dragon That was awesome though So awesome They, they, they boat out with The boat scene was so weird, right?

So much to stay and watch the horses Damn, you have a good Malik too I didn't mean me That's a really good map No, that's good This was like a cartoon character to me Yeah, he was, he was doing some cartoon shit Like on purpose

Very bold acting decisions From Tracy Walter I liked when he got in the boat And Conan like grabs his head Like he's his little brother And he like fucking shakes him And it's this weird little moment Where it's like

That couldn't have been in the script Arnold's just like grabbing this dude's head Right, that's just Arnold Let's let Arnold Shattered his neck It's not a Conan move at all He was in a wheelchair For like five days of shooting after that

So they, they boat out to the castle And they jump and swim through like an underwater passage Oh wait, first I want to point out This is Mako's first use of effective magic He can figure out where people are So he figured out the girl was in the castle And he figured out that they had to swim underneath To get it

Right, he can use magic now But it's barely effective Yeah, he like physically struggles And a lot of times he can just You can't really do anything about it He'll be like over there, I guess Yeah He might just be a good guesser, true

The boat ride in was weirdly long Like I almost wondered if someone And green screened Oh is that what it was? It just looked like Like they were planning to do a theme park ride Was what I felt like And they're like we'll do this scene

With where they're in the boat Like this is our Pirates of the Caribbean moment Yeah, it was such a good time They're like we're gonna have a hippo attack or something And then they cut that But they're like we don't want to throw away All this boat footage Like why was it, why was it green screened?

They showed us, they showed them on the lake On the shore of the lake With the boat, they later show them like You have all of these elements What were you green screening? What was, you expected something to happen Like a dragon to come out or something But nope, it's just a weird boat ride

It's a fake out So I do love that Conan gets trapped in the room with the wizard And nobody else can open it Because Mako cannot open doors He does not have a spell that opens doors Even though he thinks he might So he's like

And he's like trying to open the door He just struggles physically Like just straining out to magic And then he's like no, he gives a little shrug Like I don't know I don't even know why I did that, I can't I don't have any magic that opens doors I don't know what's gonna happen

And then Malak who asked him to do it Also just shrugs at him like Magic it open Wizard it open He doesn't just Okay, well I love That the fight choreography

Just goes full pro wrestling Full pro wrestling Because it was with a pro wrestler Goop slam Well it was with, what's the actor's name? He was the Pat Roach You know I am debuted

Pat Roach, he's the beefy dude from both Indiana Jones movies And apparently a professional wrestler Yeah, because it looked like what they were doing Was straight up sort of like WWE wrestling It was straight wrestling, he does There's the best giant swing in history In this movie

You'll never top that giant swing It's a wilt chamberlain record Giant swing, nobody's ever gonna beat that The Arnold Worbling And this like goofy face Apparently that was supposed to be an ape That character was called Man Ape

It was like a loser He had scales I thought Right But the titties of a man The titties of a man The titties don't transform God that giant swing is so good I'll be thinking about it for the rest of my life

That fight was really fun It was maybe my favorite fight in the movie It's so great when Arnold rears back With a sword and breaks a mirror And like a Mon Toth Well they tease it before then Like he swings through And the reflection

Swings through and it doesn't damage him Swings through and it doesn't damage him And then he looks around at all the mirrors And it's like you think he's getting it And then he rears back No he's not getting it But this motherfucker Just take stock of his decision making

He picked a wrestling match In a glass room where he dies If the glass breaks His only weakness was everything in this room How did you figure out my one weakness Literally everything You can see or touch He giant swings

Arnold Schwarzenegger If he hits anything Like oh god The game's up Nobody thought about that scene Also Arnold only Solved it by accident And he only continued to solve it because the solution

Was just breaking shit It's just such dumb from every direction And I love it Maximum dumb where there's two mirrors left And Arnold's like oh there's only two mirrors left I know you're hiding behind one of them And his friends are behind the other one So now it's like a flip of the coin

Whether he murders all his friends or the wizard But he could just There's no ticking clock Walk over and just knock one of them open As he is done As he just did to every single other mirror In that room He just ran around breaking them in and it was fine

Cause the guy's standing in the middle of the room He's dying, that's all he's doing Right But he picks right and he spears The man ape right through his human titties And he turns in To tot them on the wizard and he comes out And he grabs the gem

And apparently if you touch the gem it kills you By turning you into lasers Shatters into lasers Into lasers, not glass You thought it was gonna be glass But now lasers And this was set up that the script had said twice That only princess Jenna can touch it

Like don't touch it, only Jenna can touch it And this guy's like, this really hurts I'm bleeding out of like 400 different wounds I've just always wanted to touch it Look I know it's a bad idea I gotta fucking do it By the way how weird was it that her name was Jenna Like everybody else got a cool like Valeria

And Zula It's spelled dumb, does that help? That's true it is spelled dumb It just felt very much like We want to put a normal teenage girl in the movie What's just a normal teenage And she just acted like a normal teenage girl She's just kind of naive and a little curious

Yeah she's like on this World saving crest quest Like bring back a god or world ending Quest to bring back a god and she's like Man that guy's cute, huh And everybody else there Are so nice to her But they're the worst people

They're all just like, you would not trust them alone With your child at all Not a single one of them, they're all just Different, they have every element Of skive covered on the great skive wheel And they're all represented here Yeah they're all thieves Or murderers

Grace Jones literally makes her living Running into random towns, killing people with a stick And taking their things That's like her day job And she's like Jenna's gal pal Her like only female mentor Yeah she just goes to gab Alright we're getting ahead of ourselves

Before that There's no twist Tothamon does not like come back From his death here He's fucking dead, it's over Yeah he turns to lasers, that's it You don't come back from lasers And as they're boating away

Of course the castle starts to fall apart They run out and get in the boat And as they're boating away they look back And Mako goes, it was all an illusion But it wasn't an illusion You can clearly see it sinking And like causing waves It did not scan

They touched a whole bunch of that Very strange Some of it almost crushed them And they had to run out because it was falling That rock because it was real Yeah And as they're riding through the forest And the queen's guard rides in to kidnap the princess

Here's the big betrayal And there's a cool fight scene Grace Jones does an awesome pole vault kick That will just stay with me forever And then Conan gets into sword battle Like some guard guy I want to say, I didn't look this up Is that the hammer guy from the first movie?

Yes, that's been all forces Got those crazy eyes, you can't hide You showed the one defining trait Of that guy, you covered his whole face Except for his crazy eyes If you had gone the opposite way Yeah they gave him a new hat And expected us to not know

That he was a major villain in the last movie Right Who's the six foot four guy with the same face The piercing eyes That I'll never forget that you showed over and over In the first movie Like if you would put a visor over him We never would have gotten it

I don't remember that guy's jaw, I don't know Yeah, it could be a different guy I mentioned this last podcast But he's literally been in virtually Virtually every Arnold Schwarzenegger movie Why, are they just like best friends? I guess That's awesome, is he like a lifting, I would say

I think they're lifting pal Right, gotta be a lifting buddy He doesn't really get many lines He was in Running Man He had some lines in Running Man He's just always there Whether he's credited or not He's somewhere in there

It's what Arnold thinks an Easter egg is This guy It's my Easter egg I need you for kindergarten cop What was he in kindergarten cop? I don't see him in kindergarten cop Well, that just means you're not looking hard enough But he was in Call the Conqueror

Which was like the knockoff Conan Alright, and then This comes Bombata's betrayal And he outright He just outright attacks He just sees that Conan's not looking Charges him, takes a big swing at him It doesn't work, the princess runs out

He's like, stop it Conan just asked him why and he says I thought you were gonna hurt the girl For no reason, he's standing nowhere near the girl It's his first lie By any character And it kind of worked He looks like he's suspicious

I'd say confused Yeah, maybe it's confusion He drinks himself into a helplessness He does not know at all I think they were leading us to believe Conan's onto him and then he just gets Fucking blitzed His next lie is like

Conan even says these are the queen's guard Why they attack us It's like a fourth grader Lying to you It's the worst lie He just drinks himself unconscious Get all that's up Such a wheel idiot

I love him, I love the wheel idiot It's almost cute It's almost like sweet and innocent Like okay, I believe you We're friends, we've been on this journey together You would never hurt me, let's get drunk You can lie to him just like you lie To a child

You can just say nuh uh And then he'll look at you for a little while And be like, I don't know enough about the world To dispute that Alright, I'm gonna believe you You know what I really like about What I really like about where this scene goes Is that

Conan doesn't even know that Jenna is throwing at him She's just like, hey Conan Boy, that monster Dong sure could use some hands on it He's like, don't even notice You're hitting on me She's not a sexual option Which is great

Yeah, I loved that I love how out of Out of her league, his answer is Because she asks what kind of girl he's into And he's like, Valeria Well what was she like And points to Grace Jones And it's just like that

I mean it's not just like that But you know, fucking crazy Just fucking crazy Is like the only thing they have in common That's Purely what I'm into, I'm only into Just angry Destructive, crazy

Crazy women And like, I'll fuck her if she's half cat Or super strong If she blows up when you throw in the fire That's my type She has no hope She's a child, yeah, he treats her like she's a child And everyone else treats her like she's a child

And I'm like, great cause she is 13, she's a child Even though that dress they put her in does not say Child, that could have been That could have been adjusted But other than that, great Yeah, it's just It's cute to me

That he just doesn't even notice Doesn't even notice she's doing it And he gives her like, it's not even an answer She could ever aspire to It's like, okay, you just be like Grace Jones Oh, okay I'm a small timid white girl So that's not gonna happen

I think Be like Grace Jones is pretty decent advice to give people It's great advice, but she's never gonna Attain it, like it's just immediately Out of her, it's like just All you gotta do is go to the moon All right Just out of your reach

Grace Jones and maybe you catch a star And you miss It felt very realistic to most teenage girls first crush It's like he was the guy on her wall That she had a poster of Me and Brad Pitt I didn't have a chance of getting together with Brad Pitt And she doesn't have a chance to get together with Conan

But like, that's how crushes work when you're a kid You're like, this guy's 26 And I like him And it's his responsibility to say no thanks He would also just point to Angelina Jolie And be like, be like that Same exact scenario No, that's fucking crazy

She's also super, you're just No, I'm a child That's how you say no You're just saying no Lot on your nice Yeah, his drunk impression His drunk impression where he just The promise I was kinged him

He just I mean, that joke beat they did What, fucking ten times? It was the worst drunk impression The worst drunk writing But he kind of makes it work He gives it his all Absolutely should not

Because he just fully commits to it Yeah, I like that scene where he's drunk again He's, I don't know I get the appeal, like you said, of him being just Id And he's like, yeah, I know we're in the middle of this mission 50% done, I guess With finding this thing to bring back to God

But yeah, I'm gonna get wasted right now In this field surrounded by enemies I think it's just because he found alcohol Oh, okay God, you gotta drink it We found some garbage wine In that guy's toilet I also like that

She provides a nice parallel to him Because she's clearly been raised in this Like society that Is using her for sinister purposes And sheltered her So much like he's a wheel idiot She gets to be like a room idiot And these two different kinds of idiots

Are like trying to understand the world through each other It's some good synergy, I appreciate it Yeah, it's great I also, I like the tension of like Will Chamberlain still trying to kill him But then it sort of gets Diffused because like He's standing over his unconscious body

Like Conan passes out bonking into Will Chamberlain and you're like He's dead, right? He's gonna come out He just decides not to, like no, I took my shot That's it, I swing the mace one time and that's Yeah, for some reason He doesn't want her to know even though he could just kill him And grab her and run and it would be fine

Right, there's hours during the night he could have done it He just doesn't, it's nice And they So there's zero conflict left in the movie Like it's just like she has the jam, they're just kind of on their way to get the horn Pretty easy All the Queen's men have got to be dead by now Arnold Schwarzenegger has killed each of them

A lot Yeah, so Jenna leads them to the temple The horn and I do like that Mako gets to do At least visual Perhaps his only visual magic trick here Where he just makes like sparkler sparks To light a torch

And nobody's impressed by it Yeah, they don't care They're just like, yeah, whatever, you're our lighter Do that Go ahead, it's like I don't want to get my fucking flint out of my backpack Just light it up And he does it instantly and nobody thanks him Like he's like, whoa

He's essentially a dick Yeah I only have three spell slots And I used one to find the girl You really want me to burn one on torch He had to use a cantrip We skipped over one little bit Where she was asking

All of the members Of the crew What is sex like Grace Jones, how do you get a man And she goes, you just grab him You just grab him and take him Take him Just grab him

I weigh 90 pounds I don't know how I'm going to do that She just rides on I'm going to ask somebody else Malek really liked that advice He's like, yeah, sounds like good advice Right, because that's what he's clearly got a thing for And he would just, she would destroy him

She would break him into a million pieces I don't think he got into second base With Grace Jones through sheer technicality He was rubbing pretty high up on her thigh Yeah, he was running like Gross magical healing shit paste On her thigh and creeping it upwards She didn't want that anywhere nearer

For UTI reasons It looked like She had to know what he was up to So she was just seeing how far he's going to go He's like, dude, you know how to fucking kill you She had to say, okay Yeah, touch it buddy See what happens

You want to die tonight I didn't believe that you did Anyway, they get to the Temple of the Horn And Bombata and Conan Actually have a nice moment Where they lift a door together And Conan at least thinks like Okay, now we've lifted together

We understand each other They're lift bros And while she's going To get the horn and they're Placing the jewel They gave Malak a thief move to do Because he crawls under the door and flips a switch To keep the door open

That's a full on thief move Elegant screenwriting They gave everybody something to do Their wizard lit a torch, their thief flipped a switch Yeah, the DM started feeling bad That he put these points into like Detect traps and it's like, aww I haven't had any traps, okay

It works on the lever I like that in this Temple Mako can read the writing and the writing just says Yeah, we're an evil death cult It's great We're gonna kill the girl, we're gonna kill everybody The first sentence he reads is like

Hey, we're an evil death cult We really want everyone to die We really want everyone to die We're gonna awaken a giant monster Here's a list of all the lies we've told you Up until this point Just gets it all spelled out for him He runs over to Conan too

He's like, Conan, no, no, it says death to the world Death to the world And Conan's like, ah, fucking who cares, shut up, this rules He doesn't want to hear it He's like He just doesn't acknowledge it He's just like, yeah, okay, whatever, we'll deal with that Fucking level four wet blanket

He says something like, yeah, but, you know, Valeria Yeah, like, I feel like he was like Yeah, if I die, I'll be with Valeria too So either way, I win Either she gets brought back or I die or whatever This is all good, I'm good Yeah, that's his exact quote I think was Death to the world, life for Valeria

He's not thinking anything through I think Mako at that point realized Like, oh, right, I'm trying reasoning That doesn't work I thought he got talked into it He's like, ah, it's fair enough, okay So they leave the temple She walks through some flames to get the horn

They leave the temple and there are bondage knights Waiting that I think are different I think they're just the death cult and maybe they're not Affiliated with the queen Yeah, they just kind of have the same costumes I think they're all death cult guys Yeah, they're all with the queen I thought that the same wizard showed up

Later at the queen's house Oh shit, you're right, yeah, you're right, okay It's unclear Think that they're like undercover We don't know the queen as part of the death cult yet Okay And Mako's just like, you're a death cult And he's like, yeah

Yeah dude, it rules We're gonna control Dagoth And they're like, that's fucking crazy, you can't control Dagoth He's like, I think we can do it Yeah, we got it, we can control a god, right Somebody looked into that, right We never tried it, but we got some good feelings And during the big model on Conan

Just goes enough and throws a dagger Into somebody's belt, like not even the guy that was talking Just a guy next to him He's still just that impulsive Wheel idiot, I love so much He just got bored and was like, I'm gonna start stabbing now Okay, is it now? Stupid, you can't control Dagoth

And I love when Wilt, this still kills three dudes at once It's just, they turn him into a Fucking killing machine in this scene Just wrecking dudes Yeah, he's got some great fights So, yeah, they get Clearly get cornered, they run back

Into the temple I should point out Mako Has no offensive spells, he can Point at things and light a torch He's got the spark cantrip He closes the door at an opportune moment For them, that's kind of the first Good big thing he does

He has a door close spell He doesn't have a door open spell He has a door close spell And it requires him at his only big fight In the moment where he overcomes the wizard That's trying to open the door with his door close spell He makes the goofiest Like cross-eyed face

That made me realize how Lame, like Marvel movies Would look now without CG though Because now there would be some kind of psionic blast They would be shooting at each other But back then it's just them both going Like Could you imagine Dr. Strange with these effects?

Yes, it would be so funny They were no effects, it's just pretending Really hard and then you're like You gotta imagine it, magic's invisible Obviously I love that dude's brain blew up He's like I'm gonna open the door, I'm going to close the door And it's just like the battle of the wizards

I love the evil The evil priest little sassy gauntlet Taps too, they're just They're so saucy Listen boys That's how he commands his evil forces Everybody Kill Conan

There's definitely never been a more boring Wizard battle about one That was just them two Squinting at each other for like a minute And then that was the end It ended when one of them got like a headache I give up, you can have a closed door They flee into this tunnel

And Bombata turns around And right in front of Conan collapses The tunnel They're like watching him for like a good minute and a half Just watching him collapse This tunnel and still doesn't Fully understand that he's been betrayed

They run out and he starts To have his suspicions It's the third time this guy Is trying to kill him and he's finally like I think this guy's trying To kill me He's on to it a little bit but he's not willing To commit because they run out

After they dig themselves out and Bombata And the princess have taken off They run out and he's like They took off without us and Bako's like Well, maybe they just had to run He considers that for a second No, problem I'm really starting to have suspicions about this guy

Conan to his credit The Wheel Idiot figured it all out right here He's like, here's what's going on She lied to me then He tried to kill me Gonna kill the girl, I got it Get on the horse He should have realized it an hour back

In the movie When he first tried to kill you When the queen's guard showed up Any child would have gotten it But the Wheel Idiot just had to trust the Necromancer You never trust a Necromancer Wheel Idiot, you would know that You kind of feel almost sorry for him

You know how Superman's got kryptonite Conan's got the fact that he's an idiot And here you're just really seeing him Struggle with his weakness And you're like, oh buddy Superman's got basic puzzles And lies I always believe them

I want to talk about how Like he got a cave collapsed on him And in most movies that's sort of a A puzzle to be solved In a non-obvious way right Like you dig either further down Or you have to backtrack and fight their way back Whatever, in this one he just like digs through it

He's like, I'll just move a few rocks And that's like what he does He like punches the problem away Solves them It's so weird for a movie script To go in a direction that's just so plainly Obvious and direct But that's Conan

You thought it was going to be a different moment It was definitely throwing back to that old Conan Where you're like, okay they got to fight their way back Through the priest and like, no This really only delays them for like a minute and a half He'll punch the rocks, just have him punch the rocks Conan loves punching rocks I want to point out another scene

That we skipped over The wizard's trying to open the door And Conan's like, oh my dagger's gone Otherwise I'd throw my dagger and kill him And so he goes to Malak He's like, hey, you got lots of daggers Throw one of your daggers at him And Malak's like, hi, it's bad luck to kill a wizard

Like that's his The screenwriter knew That they had to have a reason they don't just Kill the wizard And they's like, you know what, what if one character Just doesn't fucking feel like it And that's like, yeah okay cool Because they knew Mako had to do something

Other than just light a torch And they's like, this is it, this is a big moment We can't take that away from him He doesn't have that moment It's going to take some cleverness to get there But I think I fixed the script It's too bad I used the dagger throw earlier They could have had a guy with the shield

Standing in the way I had a big lunge, I don't want to do it So flawless Malak Many with the Crazy impressions today Yeah, I'm just really good at impressions I don't know if you guys need that What do you know?

Clearly do So they follow Bambata to the palace Where they're just in full swing Like they get the girl back immediately Like I guess kind of roofy her But it doesn't seem like it really works Like she's into it until she isn't So they're like into it until you're not

Roofies which is just a weird thing to do So Liddy, I want to stop right here Liddy, what do your notes say about that The ladies outfits here Oh my god The bird outfit On the queen So cool

It says, where do I get that In my size That is a cool ass bird outfit It's like a nude body suit With a black bird on it That's just covering all the bits that it needs to cover Like barely That clock that is being amazing

Yes The priest He gets like a helmet that's like a Three-headed swan Like swannabas of hell Sweet costumes You can tell us maybe we had a budget Because they're surrounded by peacocks

And swans, black swans Which I know must have been like Horrible to wrangle Because the peacocks are like loud And I don't know, bitchy Like they're not fun animals to be around Generally They go to a city and I don't think they care

What you do to a peacock there So they could have just had their handler Rip their throats out before they shot We don't know Well I felt like that They had a big budget because they had Peacocks and someone to wrangle the peacocks Presumably or they just killed a lot of peacocks

On this movie Now that I say it sounds like that's probably What happened since they did punch a lot of Horses and camels too Same guy wrangling vultures Fucking bite the actual vulture Watch out for mouth lice, peacock lice They're like, Arnold, can you bite the

Throats out of these peacocks before we shoot They're a little noisy Of course, I did a lot of this And call them the barbarian He's got to earn that $230,000 Yeah dude, they pay him a lot more For this movie, you know what? I don't know, that was

I have to assume, 1984 was like Arnold's Year It was much more fun for him to do He gets Terminator He's starting to really like It would be crazy for them not to pay him more They definitely paid him more than $250,000 for this one

$234,000 Was that what it was in the first No, it was like $230,000 or something Dang $231,000 An extra $4,000 And I get to keep any peacock I maim So

They sneak into the temple Again, there's that Arnold sneaking Which is the least I love it so much I love how unbelievable it just looks to look at He doesn't even know the sneaking motions Like his body can't do them He can't do tiptoe Their opening move is a gentle bonk with a torch

And Zula hitting a guy In the dick with a stick Two moves that will absolutely make you scream And keep you conscious That's how they're like, open their stealth mission I lit his head on fire very silently Well, the very best one to me Was when they first sneak in and there's the guards

And they like throw a rock in the guards' turn And they have two people sneak in And then Conan just goes like It jumps into the doorway And they're all like, ah, Conan And then the other two people The like, Arnold's face when he did that Like, bah, it's me, Conan

So cute Stop giving him stealth Why do you write stealth into the script? And then, of course Now he has to fight Bombada The big Bombada fight scene See, I think this is the one where he uses that range He really like gets

Long fucking swings with his Like bird, mace Thing It really looks like Conan has to roll and move And try to get out of this huge Counterpoint is that he throws a flying Byte tackle at Conan

Which I don't think makes good use of his 14 foot wingspan He doesn't Later, he opens with range And when range doesn't work His next move is Byte tackle Yes Which, yeah, is a weird move But that

Well, to be fair, that's because Conan Like realized Will Chamberlain's one weakness Which was His legs Which were like 70% of his body After dodging forever, he's just like What if I hit everything that you are These 8 foot tall legs

And he does and immediately He goes down and is just like, oh shit Byte tackle I love it And so then Conan sends everyone else ahead While he fights Bombada and Grace Jones Just skewers Their vizier

With the Sweet throw Takes out Swannabas I love that part when she javelins the wizard The big stick Barely has time to like scan the room Yeah She's got a favorite

Likes the stick And then just Dagoff immediately goes just full dipshit Just like From a beautiful man to like a guy that got hit And hit in the face with a shovel When he was like during a formative stage of development Yeah, I don't think you're supposed to interrupt this ritual

In the middle of it It was because they were supposed to kill her and they didn't If they'd given him the virgin sacrifice He would have been a normal guy He would have been like beautiful with a horn It's like a metaphor for What we say about men in society Like you gotta give him a beautiful girl

Or they'll just become crazy monsters Like it feels like Yeah, like a deeper metaphor there So he goes Full fish dude After turning just total dipshit And he horns the evil queen Which like, yeah, you know what that means

Here's the fun Conan the Destroyer trivia You know who was in that suit Andre the Giant No way That was Andre the Giant just flipping The shit out of Conan That's a waste of Andre the Giant Isn't it a waste

What if he'd been another companion Well, I was just like They didn't do much WWE fighting Like the other wizard in him did So I would have liked to see him throw Conan around more All they really did was grapple Right, because he was in 800 pounds Of like fish makeup

There was not a lot of movement in that suit He just flipper slapped him over and over If they had just been like He'll be this like tiny little Greek statue guy If we do the sacrifice, but if not He's Andre the Giant and he's angry That would have been fine with me

There was no costume necessary Yeah, if he had just Turned from that guy into Andre the Giant With a horn Fuck, you're all in trouble now I was going to say Dagoth Conan Trivia was designed by Carlo Rambaldi who did

E.T. and he was on the team That made the Xenomorph That's a pretty cool design It's kind of an okay monster Like I wouldn't have guessed It came from such a talented pedigree It's better than Man-Ape I don't know who did Man-Ape

I think Pat Roach did Man-Ape I think he just showed up with Like a Halloween mask and is like I'm just going to wrestle and everybody's like Yeah, for this scene Pat Roach is like, who said I couldn't do it And they're like, okay, okay, okay, we're rolling Do you want a giant swing?

Do you want the best fucking giant swing You'll ever experience in your life? Yeah, actually Looks like so much fun Then shut up and let me wear the ape mask This is my thing So Mako sees him Just going berserk and goes

His horn is his life You know what that means Yeah So Conan jerks the horn off He jerks it right off Until Dagoth drops Exhausted and spent and leaking fluid I think everybody gets it

I get it Get why the Virgin had to get the horn Do you think Jenna gets it? She saw this and was like Malik was trying to explain She had to ask Malik Can you explain this? Do you think the monster is kind of cute?

I'm not comfortable talking about this with you Anyway, it wraps up And all of a sudden It's the metal scene from Return of the Jedi They're there to get the reward in the throne room And I love this scene so much Because she's a total room idiot She has met only like two

Evil people and then these Like five people who are the only people She has ever met And she has no idea how bad they are Like they're all criminals And murderers Just blatant murderers And she's just like, I want to reward my friends

And it's the worst impulse And nobody stops her because she's a room idiot But she's also in charge She's also in charge So she hires Grace Jones to be Her captain of the guards The thieving band at Lunatic Who can barely speak without screeching

In this fucking amazing pigtail hat Oh my gosh, that pigtail hat I felt very pander too Like they're like, yeah, girl power I don't know why a girl can't be the captain of the guard Yeah, also she has pigtails To show that like, she's still feminine Even though she's like

Super buff and But they're Lunatic They're like, they're like Plucked from a horse and shoved into spikes And she's like, you're my new captain of the guard And you know everybody else in that throne room Is just like, fuck Oh no, what?

Everybody's dead Then she makes Malik the court jester Who admittedly is trying to be funny But he's the least funny guy But also the one thing she knows about him Is that he's stolen everything he's seen in the movie so far He ate like four Diamonds for reasons that were never explained

He just eats all He eats all of the diamonds he finds He's got that disease where you just eat shit And he's not He can't write jokes It's not like he was wisecracking the whole movie All of his jokes were like, I don't want to die Like

That's not going to translate He's cowardly in situations That it's unusual for a cowardly person to be in And I don't know How that's going to translate to just hanging out Like making her laugh during the day And then she Hires the crazy old hermit

His only job so far is to be a crazy old hermit For his wisdom She hires Mako to be the advisor because he's so wise She calls him the greatest wizard In the world You have personally seen three Better wizards He closed one door

You've seen the evil priest who could use more magic You've seen Tothamon who could use more magic You've seen the queen who could make those fucking illusions And shit You personally know in your life Three better wizards Are all dead So maybe

He's the only one left You're the one wizard Conan hasn't killed yet So would you like to be my wizard? She's going to run this country into the fucking ground Is the point She's the Donald Trump of Samaria Everybody realizes that Especially because of her next announcement

Is like, Conan, do you want to marry me Just the thieving murderous lustful Totally naked at this point Just naked in the throne room Everyone there is like, oh god please say no Please say no Do you want to be the king? She's 14 Conan, please say no

There are so many problems with this Even if she wasn't 14, there are so many problems with this I could name like 10 problems The captain of the guard, good god Everybody's planning to flee And of course he says No, I don't want this I'm going to do my own kingdom

And it's just like a personal fuck you to Lydia Yes Expecting that plotline to ever be wrapped up I was actually Who's so pissed at the end of this Because now I was like Actually now I'm excited to go see Conan Start his own kingdom and what that's like

And then I remembered that you said Oh, that never happens and I was like Oh, okay Second movie ends with a fake out for King Conan Ends with him on the throne Someday we will tell this story Of King Conan Yeah, it ends exactly like the first movie

But that's how you Yeah, you're lying Fool me once, shame on you Fool me twice, shame on me Anyway, Arnold Schwarzenegger Did not want to do the movie I think it was a conflict of interest With Predator at the time

The next one is going to be called Conan the Conqueror Which has become sort of a meme Everybody wants it, it's been for 20 years And they made that into called the Conqueror And they tried to replace Arnold Schwarzenegger Yeah Kevin Sorbo is the third Conan movie

Basically They called it called the Conqueror And it was so fucking bad Same writer, that was a Robert E. Howard character Yeah, but uh And same thing Like I guess called the Conqueror was just like Conan But like more introspective

Like I think Conan was originally Going to be a cold story And Robert said He's too dumb to be cold So let's make a whole new guy named Conan So like Conan the Wheel Idiot

We'll play with that title And uh, yeah But the gap between Arnold Schwarzenegger and Kevin Sorbo When it comes to like likeability And movie star power is just I mean that's a fucking ocean Yeah, it was just you cannot replace You can't replace anybody with Kevin Sorbo

Kevin Sorbo is just Well you know, he's Kevin Sorbo I don't know better now than that Like that's the burn I would use on a good looking guy Who doesn't have the talent to do anything with it I would call him a Kevin Sorbo Disappointed Okay, I um

Again, I'm very disappointed that this movie Did end with a second King Conan fake out And then I think they've tried to make King Conan a couple of times after Cull and once Got scrapped because Arnold became Governor and then I think there was They were gonna do it in like 2014

Pretty recently and then That fell through so Something about this project is very cursed Yeah, they've been trying to make it for decades Everybody wants it for decades Because you teased us with it Twice across two movies and never Delivered everybody wants to see the story

To just wrap it up and it's It's even could still work Based on what the story is. It's supposed to be the end of his Adventure so it could work with him as an older guy And they just They just keep pushing it. They're never gonna do it I would love to see like 16 movies Like this where everyone just ends where they're like

Someday we're gonna tell This story. Someday I swear They just keep resetting Doing dumbass like side adventures and side Quits But next time we promise So I hit on this a little in the last podcast How there's just this immense

Back catalog of Conan stories but also Like Jason Aaron rebooted the comic I think about five years ago and it's fucking awesome Like there's at least six New Conan stories just from the past decade That are movie worthy That I'm sure many many people are dying

To like adapt into Film so like there's no shortage Of Conan stories I don't know what's so hard about Filming a super buff dude running Around doing just pretty standard Yeah Jason Momoa could have been A really good Conan but that movie was just

Such nothing it was just nothing It wasn't even entertainingly bad it was just boring Yep Like you can do two things You can do Conan the Barbarian And just be a lunatic mess where you don't You just defy every expectations And just embrace the fact that Conan

Is a wheelie to it who will destroy Everything you put him into Or you can do Conan the destroyer And make it some of the conventions Of a movie still starring a wheelie to it And just a fun fucking With weird sensibilities

And crazy celebrity cameos But you can't make it Boring like who was whose job was it To break this movie and then they were like Well let's rain this in Who did you get that was like We gotta rain this in fuck you There's a scene that's legitimately

Magical in the new Conan with the Jason Momoa Conan where Ron Perlman holds up Baby Conan and he goes And the camera kind of shoots away from them While he's holding up the baby and he goes And like that's it He just holds up a baby and makes that weird Sound and it's

So fucking bizarre it's like Does no one tell Ron Perlman Like hey let's try that again in like a Human way just like no Fucking keep it in the film Just Perlman shit Anyway that was that was Conan the destroyer

We'll go on to Red Sonya Next time and uh Again just you'll never expect it In a way that you will never expect So yeah I'm Very eager to see how this movie Surprises me because It it somehow

It does like even even Last time I was like okay I've grown to accept That I will never understand Conan It cannot surprise me I know the basic premise though is gonna be Like Conan having sex with a bunch of ladies And stabbing a bunch of dudes and then It's like nope zips off it's a zany little

Fun adventure now It's a Disney movie and I'm like what So So how the third one's gotta be Is it gonna go back to being Super violent or something I don't know It's a good prediction We'll find out if you're right hey um

If you're gonna get revenge on us And make us watch something we've never seen That resonated with you and your youth What do you think that's gonna be Do you have any thoughts on that? Oh Have you guys seen Clueless I have seen Clueless I don't know that's like the first thing off the top

Of my head it probably should be something more obscure Though right Like Conan's not that obscure It's just a weird fucking movie That made it huge I feel like there's a lot of gaps in our sci-fi That are not gaps in yours like I've never

Saw Lex and I don't think I've watched Any Star Trek after the next generation That should be yeah for my thing You guys have to watch all eight seasons Of DS9 Oh man that would be quite a Quite a ask yeah I can definitely think of some side

I'm already on season 2 I think with my wife We're watching it right now Is that the one where the guy in the bucket fucks Yeah bucket fucking there's some bucket fucking Yes that's the main thing that happens in DS9 Bucket fucking you're the one Make bucket fucking

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