The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - Dogg Zzone 9000 - Episode 44: Hot Dog Nights... Batpussy, with Michael Swaim!

Episode Date: October 13, 2021

Send your kids out of the room for this one. Make them take off their special Hot Dog Listening Hats, put aside their Hot Dog decoder rings, and wait for the sobbing to pass. It'll take hours. Then se...ttle into your armchair with a nice hot cup of pussy for the first adults only episode of Hot Dog Nights! This time we're talking with Michael Swaim about the worst porno ever made: BatPussy!

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Starting point is 00:00:00 One nine hundred One nine hundred One nine hundred One nine hundred HOG DOG Nights That night trade power
Starting point is 00:00:33 In the night It's not the size of the dog But how hard you can fight it You will survive Or maybe not When you're in the dark zone You gotta give it everything you have One nine hundred
Starting point is 00:00:55 Hot dog all home Oh yeah Nights Welcome to the Dog Zone 9000 Nights We're the weekly Wednesday podcast For one nine hundred hotdog.com I'm TV's Sean May from the internet And do our Patreon, Cromos on Hibori
Starting point is 00:01:16 I'm trying to get all that in the front of the show Cause we run a real tight ship now that we're hot dog knights With me of course is the illustrious Robert Brockway Robert Brockway Nights Here's a sexy Brockway fact I've seen Tonya Harding naked In person No follow up questions
Starting point is 00:01:38 I don't think I had any, I think that story completes itself Done Art finished We're being joined today on this special nights occasion With our sexy friend from Small Beans and IGN Our longtime colleague at Cracked, Michael Swame Hawke and Fither salutations upon this The gallant round table of Dog Zone Nights
Starting point is 00:02:06 Excellent We're in Arthurian legends is what we're doing, right? Exactly right Yeah, they fuck each other Jousting but with hot dogs Which is what I call hitting each other In a sense, yeah, it's not wrong We should legitimately set this up
Starting point is 00:02:26 That you shouldn't listen to this anywhere people can hear you Like we're gonna be discussing one of the most grotesque pieces of filth that's ever been And I don't know how we're gonna do that without getting very lewd Don't put this on the living room speakers with your kids Cause it's hot dog nights, the song told you that Why are we explaining it? You listen to the song The amazing song I think using euphemisms like hot dog jousting is a step in the right direction though
Starting point is 00:02:53 If we want to clean this up Smart, let's try to do that, we'll try to remember And I already take issue with something that was stated Cause we'll get into it, I'm sure we'll unpack what we're gonna talk about But I almost said the title and I feel like I gotta bestow that honor upon the host But I almost take issue with what you said about the filth level I was expecting a little more penetration Oh yes, that's a good point
Starting point is 00:03:18 Visible penetration? Yeah Here's my question about the porn that we're about to discuss Was it softcore technically? Does anyone know was there a rule that there was no... That's an interesting question There is very very little information about this I'll go ahead and say the name This was called That Pussy And it might very well be the very first superhero pornographic parody
Starting point is 00:03:48 And someone found this in the 90s just like in some Memphis adult film showing place Cellar, let's call it a cellar Maybe it was a theater, I'm not sure No, it was a cellar, I promise you Okay, and yeah, it had just been abandoned for 20 years This was made in the early 70s, I've seen 71, I've seen 73 A lot of mystery surrounding this, no one knows who the actors are Or what they were thinking
Starting point is 00:04:18 I can answer both questions Right off the bat, Michael's making reference to how there's no penetration And he got the joke just for the record And the guy does not get an erection for the entire film Oh, spoilers Yeah, this is spoilers We're getting the lead here It was the most compelling narrative aspect of this movie was
Starting point is 00:04:47 Wondering if somebody would manage to give this guy an erection by the end of the movie And it was just legitimately Like all jokes aside, I was like, is it gonna happen by like minute 40? It's a whole new kind of edging Yeah, that you're not really mentally prepared for Can I dispense my one pre-thought-of canned joke? Yes Talk about a BP spill
Starting point is 00:05:11 Whoa, that's messy BP stands for bat pussy in this case Now we can move on We can edit that out I don't think you have the capability to do that, but time will tell You're right, we've proven that many times It's too strong of a statement, it's seared onto the bits in such a way that it can't be expunged So I saw this video like in the late 90s in Portland
Starting point is 00:05:38 It was distributed by a thing called Something Weird Video and they do a lot of like Oh, I know that Yeah, they do a lot of stuff like this And this had to just been the most wonderful thing they'd ever found And you're like, hey, let's go through these movies and see if there's anything weird in here And then bat pussy drops, you're like, oh my god, people have to see this But due to its nature, like you gotta be real selective who you show this to Now we showed this to you, Michael
Starting point is 00:06:01 What'd you think? Just high level thoughts Well, now I realize it was a very far ahead thought out punishment For the series of puns that I was gonna bring to this episode You were like, fuck this guy, we'll inflict this upon him Yeah It was, have you seen the Herzog movie Strocek? And I'm already giving this movie way too much credit by even comparing it That's a bum
Starting point is 00:06:25 A lot of parallels, of course I noticed the same Herzog parallels It has the one, it has the one, two, three structure Where like for a long time Even from the point of view of someone who's a collector of oddities A cultural oddities For a long time you're like, I mean this is just a porn where they lay there There's no bat costume
Starting point is 00:06:49 For like a good 25 minutes, which in porn time is an eternity And there's no porn to speak of The people behave like the way you think your dolls behave When you're smashing them naked into each other as an eight year old And you don't fully understand what sex works or how sex works They just kind of flop at each other and fight Like they're antagonistic A lot of belligerent arguing
Starting point is 00:07:15 Just like y'all can't, you can't fuck, you can't suck Well, get over here, I'll show you how to fucking suck And then they don't And then they don't They just keep talking about it And then the third act has everything you could want Like the third act is just a batshit sandwich of like bouncy balls And rape attempts that bat pussy stops
Starting point is 00:07:40 The copyright infringement left and right It really picks up I loved it by the end I'm a big fan Okay, I'm glad you turned around on it It really comes together at the end Much like showchecks, by the end I was cheering it on Yeah, for sure
Starting point is 00:07:55 So this didn't like land in your kink zone for you Like you didn't find this in a rousing film I'm not one of those who wants their like erotic process to be suddenly halted With lynchy and confusion, so no That's what it felt like Oh, I absolutely am It felt like a dare Could you jerk off to this?
Starting point is 00:08:17 It's like I dare you It's the very first time that bouncy ball came out I came everywhere Yeah, that's the And also did the bouncy ball have a handle Because that really bothered me Otherwise bat pussy is just holding that together through sheer Kegel force We'll have to get to it
Starting point is 00:08:31 We'll have to really walk you through this Let's walk through the movie I did take extensive and disgusting notes How could you not? So it does open with a guy from a place called Dragon Art Theatre And he really hits that name Dragon Art Theatre Explaining just what the concept of pornography is He's like, hey, if you're offended by Naked Sookin and Fuckin
Starting point is 00:08:53 This ain't the film for ya You're really lost nun You need to tell an usher Let me tell you what pornography is Just as a concept Let's see if it adds an appeal to ya So he rewords that several dozen ways And then says, alright, enjoy the movie
Starting point is 00:09:11 If you are emotionally prepared for it Of course no one is This was amazing right from the start Did pornography used to have like Hitchcock style introductions Like a man coming out and just explaining to you And welcoming you to the experience I kinda think we should bring this back He's like a porn emcee
Starting point is 00:09:32 It's very Marge Simpson at the top of Treehouse of Horrors Like explaining to you Things can be scary I'd like sort of an unsolved mysteries Maybe Jonathan Frakes could come on and be like What do you think might happen if you get two Very unattractive, ugly people Naked
Starting point is 00:09:49 Have them argue for 45 minutes And then at the end he'd come on and say You're right, it was fake So they start with a They're both naked in their room Like she's on the bed He's like across the room in a little coffee table Reading Screw Magazine
Starting point is 00:10:06 Now it's more of a newspaper It's a newspaper, it's screw newspaper It's like screw newspaper I think it was a real thing I don't think this was a prop But she's spending the whole time complaining How he won't have sex with her And it's clearly there's no script
Starting point is 00:10:24 Or even a script direction But both of these people are aggressive improvisationists And they chose to regress Like they are doing childlike characters Where he's going We gotta do what they do with this magazine here Take a look at this here Look at this here magazine in here
Starting point is 00:10:47 Take a look here And they just won't fuck He's got like one idea And it's the magazine He's got like one prop and it's the magazine So everything comes back to the magazine And they're just This is absolutely
Starting point is 00:11:02 I don't do improv I was forced to do improv once in community college And it went terribly But I have known so many people that have been into improv So I've seen a lot of bad improv And this is just two people who break every rule of improv They will not cooperate They're both trying to do their own bits
Starting point is 00:11:24 They're bits to do not mesh And you can see them like they start a little antagonistic And then you can see them getting mad at each other For not cooperating with each other's scenes Which is like another bad improv thing No, I want to do my thing No, I want to do my thing And then it turns into legitimate anger
Starting point is 00:11:42 That they're trying to pass off as improv It's just It's fascinating While trying to bone It seems as if they're not allowed to fully have sex Or maybe I don't know if they were instructed To just pretend or whatever But it feels like one hour photo
Starting point is 00:11:57 Where someone has a knife on them And it's like Don't do it though That'll ruin the purity Just like get close to it I just want to be close to it You're very generous I think it was just raw impotence
Starting point is 00:12:12 And you can hear Okay, that's what I was going to say Is also his penis at any given time Averages between 30% and 60% Like ready to rock Again, 60% is very generous Much like Dracula His dick don't work
Starting point is 00:12:32 Just for show Thank you, I love it So I was trying to get through my notes About screw newspapers Sure But we were talking about how their ad-lib Doesn't clash Do you think if you want one of those newspapers
Starting point is 00:12:44 You have to ask a scruzy? We can edit that out too Okay, okay So they obviously Their improv is not working with The other improvs But they eventually do Incorporate the things the other person says
Starting point is 00:13:04 Into their own narrative So like, he says He won't let her work Because he wants her to be a housewife And then she I think she says she's a prostitute Or implies that she's a prostitute And he's like, okay, fine
Starting point is 00:13:18 You're a prostitute But this sort of clashes against her thing About how she never has enough sex, right? It's weird for a prostitute to come home and say Housewife prostitute Yes And so he's like I'm a magazine of fishing it out
Starting point is 00:13:31 That's my character When he points to the magazine Oh darling, we gotta do what they're doing in this magazine There's like one small thumbnail Of like two people kissing Yeah, they're just kissing Next to just a wall of text And he's just like
Starting point is 00:13:43 He says at one point I wouldn't want to submit you to anything like that Like this vile perversion And I'm going to assume that wall of text Is word for word What the guy at the front of the film said Like if you like drag and press You're gonna
Starting point is 00:13:56 But Yeah, and what's weird is Then when Bat Pussy's finally introduced Not to jump ahead in your notes You can always drag us back But It's notable that Bat Pussy says Like
Starting point is 00:14:08 They're making a fuck tape No one can make a fuck tape in my town Without me Yeah But they're not making a fuck tape But then by the time Bat Pussy gets there 40 minutes later He obliquely references
Starting point is 00:14:19 Oh, there is a camera on the table Right It's amazing to see the actors Wheel and wheel around each other Like ships in the night Like trying to pull elements from each other's reality Yeah Yeah, it's like
Starting point is 00:14:36 Maybe 25 more pornographic films And I think they'll get it I think they'll have a nice tight improv going I want to describe the actors The guy, not a fit gentleman Probably not camera ready I don't think either of these people are like Camera ready in the traditional sense
Starting point is 00:14:57 He sort of talks like a southern gentleman I shouldn't say gentleman Like a dirt bag Right Like a dirt bag gentleman Like if you found him dressed Like the way he is in the movie Completely naked in a ditch
Starting point is 00:15:09 It wouldn't be that surprising The voice that came out of him When you'd be like Yep, that's what I expected this naked man I found in the ditch to sound like Just curly red pubes And a thick gold watch Otherwise bare
Starting point is 00:15:19 You're like Yeah, that's what he should sound like I got that they were the two people Who run a diner In like a short order diner In every movie Like she's the old waitress He's the short order cook
Starting point is 00:15:30 She had the classic Cement strong beehive hairdo Yeah, very tight And he had just grease burns on his ass Yeah, that ass that sort of ends at a point His body sort of is a potato shape That comes down You know the kind of ass I'm talking about
Starting point is 00:15:48 The Hank Hill Yeah, the Batman Returns penguin Yeah, the Hank Hill Long day you'd buy Yeah So she does have the beehive And then the curved bangs that curve inward And no other attractive features
Starting point is 00:16:03 Aside from that delightful hairdo An unfortunate woman In the wrong line of work That endures this entire just Naked wrestling match That beehive is still solid by the end I wouldn't say that But it does almost make it to the end
Starting point is 00:16:21 There's a few strands out of place It's like when Captain Janeway is in a firefight And the ship rocks And it's like it's still kind of Fairly TV presentable The hair itself Just the hair, yeah Well, the way she's constructed the beehive
Starting point is 00:16:35 Is most of her hair has been cut very, very short Not all the way shaved off And then the bangs have been sort of Pulled back and curled around I don't know if this is how you make all beehives But it's that she made her beehive So when it loses its structural integrity At like minute 45
Starting point is 00:16:48 It sort of looks like a I don't know, like a giant asterisk Kind of coming out of her head Sure Which is otherwise bald I don't know, it's great I have no notes on the hair, fantastic hair So he's pointing to a magazine she can't see
Starting point is 00:17:02 Telling her they got to try this stuff And then it just cuts to them in bed Just lovelessly pawing at each other Sometimes on arogynous zones But usually just kind of like a To pause at this point and say This is the exact point where I realized This wasn't like an intro skit
Starting point is 00:17:19 And we were actually going to watch these Horrible people fuck Like with just absolute dread I thought this was like a wacky intro skit Some points will have like a little thing Of the people you're not really gonna watch Fuck doing something bad or awful Or just non-sexual
Starting point is 00:17:38 So that you can juxtapose against the actual And then when they started getting In the actual pornography I was just My heart dropped Well especially because neither of them are That pussy or a riff on Batman So you're like sure I was waiting for this To stop
Starting point is 00:17:53 Maybe she was going to explode in acid And then half of him would be covered in acid And they're like okay this is an origin story I get this, this is exactly my thing He did have the penguin butt Maybe that was where they were going with it Acid porn Yes acid porn
Starting point is 00:18:09 Which sounds more appealing than this movie If I'm being honest So she, this is a theme of the movie Is there's a loud camera warring Like whatever camera they're using is very very noisy And sometimes the sound will cut off And that's when the guy behind the camera Is telling them to do something
Starting point is 00:18:27 And when he does this both the actors look at him And they're like nodding along And stop what they're doing Yes listen to the directions And then re-engage with what they're doing So he's like You could not more effectively mime listening to a director And it's honestly this
Starting point is 00:18:43 I think that's where my heart broke Because for some reason in some bizarre universe I imagine that these people were like Unfrozen cavemen Raised by Michelle Gondry in a box You know And that they were expressing eroticism With all earnestness
Starting point is 00:19:02 Like the best that they could But when they stop and pull their shit together And you realize it's a character Of course they're just regular people And when you put them on the spot And say you gotta fucking improvise at the same time Asshole can you do that The character they chose is like a baby
Starting point is 00:19:20 And they both made that choice Yes An angry baby Their character they chose is like An eight year old at a lemonade stand Is like no I'm not gonna do that You don't know how to fuck It's just awesome honestly
Starting point is 00:19:36 Yes you completely forget that the title of the movie is Bat Pussy Which I absolutely did before Bat Pussy showed up I was like oh right When Bat Pussy showed up yeah It was a real oh yeah moment I forgot I don't live in this world I'm that stuck here for all of time
Starting point is 00:19:55 Okay have we mentioned that they Don't seem to know how a bed functions Either in the simplest sense They are often They really use that space Yeah I understand Your pile drivers Or your advanced sexual positions
Starting point is 00:20:12 You're standing against the wall proving You have good biceps move But they clearly accidentally Like he'll shift her hips on the bed And her whole torso will flop off the bed Like a rag doll And they'll try to like save it and make it a move He falls off himself several times
Starting point is 00:20:31 Trying to get like some kind of position Just slip his foot off and eat shit off the bed And then he'll Slaps a comedy though I'm not being mean when I say It's possible neither of them have ever had sex before Like that sounds like Haha what a joke but it really might be true
Starting point is 00:20:50 These might be people who are like Sure we'll film a porn and then They're like god I can't believe that We can fake our way through this let's do this No research So speaking of After they get the note from the director The sound starts up again
Starting point is 00:21:07 And she tries What I guess other people might call a blow job She kind of puts his His limp junk in her mouth And rolls it around with it And he says darlin that's the way it was In a magazine Which is fantastic that he's like
Starting point is 00:21:23 Discovering oral sex for the first time She's trying to feed a baby bird That's the That's the motion I got from it Like just trying to feed Like a sick baby bird And it's not happening We're trying to
Starting point is 00:21:39 You know when you gotta put that metal O-ring onto the Thing in your car tire to measure the pressure You're just trying to connect Two rings Without touching any other parts together It's like watching a video where someone's Making sausage and then
Starting point is 00:21:55 Reversing the video But grosser than I'm making that sound I'm imagining that Somebody specifically not Choking on a hot dog It's two dead bodies in a Sausage making factory Run and reverse
Starting point is 00:22:11 Time-lapse so that like There's this pile of mold And then a bunch of bugs escape the pile of mold And they form dead bodies Meanwhile sausage is just getting Rammed up into this robot That's what it looks like Two unrelated images
Starting point is 00:22:27 But I think I followed that Okay He also invents 69-ing in this scene He's like I got Darla I got this idea Darla Darla Darla And he kinda flips on her He's 69-ing like while they're on their Side it lasts for maybe half a second
Starting point is 00:22:43 Before he just like lands In her armpit like it's She never participates either Right He had an idea He did not share that idea with her She thought the idea was I should just Look at your thighs for a while The only thing that qualifies
Starting point is 00:22:59 As a sexual act is like half a blow job That's all you get the whole I guess there's some oral on Bat pussy but we're It feels like six and a half Hours away from that Yeah we're a long ways away Strap in And how
Starting point is 00:23:15 What do you think the odds are that the directors Note that we can't hear is You guys do you feel that Just try and stay in it Stay in that because this is amazing He must have been giving them positive Feedback but like in my notes Cause they didn't change
Starting point is 00:23:33 In my notes I had just like The director must be yelling at them right now Like the director must every time the sound Cuts out the director must be just going What are you doing Do you not know how to do this It goes in did you not Did you not see the
Starting point is 00:23:51 My god I think a lot of people Can understand this Even if they're not like performers never done anything Where there's just sort of like idea paralysis Like if you've ever been in a photo booth and it's like Okay everyone do like four wacky photos And you do a wacky photo and you're like
Starting point is 00:24:07 Okay I have no more wacky photos inside of me Like it feels like that's what happened To these two actors they got on the bed They kind of rub up against each other and they're just like Oh god what do I do I don't think they've been in front of a camera before I don't think they've had sex before I think all this came together in the perfect storm
Starting point is 00:24:23 It's certainly never done improv before Certainly Well a lot of porn has a bit of like I mean why take ourselves seriously right You're just jerking off We're just fucking around here like that comedy Comedy blends with porn So I totally understand
Starting point is 00:24:39 I'm getting stuck in the rut It's just I don't It's rare the bad improv performer Don't pivot for a full 40 minutes Much less to have two fighting each other Welcome to the dog store And then the other improviser tries to add something
Starting point is 00:24:55 And they're like the dog store is Large today You gotta move on we gotta build We gotta find a game or something They just never do It's just basically restating the premise over and over You can't fuck We gotta fuck like the magazine
Starting point is 00:25:11 She adds an element about how he sleeps With other women like she's really upset with him For sleeping with other girls constantly Right And he waffles between I don't do that I love doing that I'm done doing that I'm gonna keep doing that
Starting point is 00:25:27 Like he can't find his character Well I love that his first impulse Is to negate the improv Because he doesn't want that on his His first instinct is No no I don't do that No Yeah they both do a lot of negating
Starting point is 00:25:45 Every time they try to build A character or something No Look I'm not gay at all I don't do anything like that She goes well that's what I was building to her Especially when he goes now I'm gonna stick it in your ass
Starting point is 00:26:01 She's like no Did not discuss this first Did not In my notes I write I wrote I never knew Cuz his character suddenly realized His wife was just the most perfect Beautiful sex goddess
Starting point is 00:26:17 And he's like oh my god Why didn't I ever try having sex with my wife So She knows he won't keep doing He's gonna go back to those other girls But he needs her Because They're out of money
Starting point is 00:26:33 Like all of a sudden his great job Where he had sex with the secretary Isn't working out and they need money And her prostitution which they've also mentioned Several times isn't bringing in money anymore Because she's so terrible at it Because she can't fuck Reminder this is one uncut
Starting point is 00:26:49 Shot this is not like there's scenes Of this stuff happening This is just people We do not jump forward in time We do not like change location This is just one unbroken Shot for the entire movie They do cut away eventually too bad
Starting point is 00:27:05 Posting in this like B-plot thing Then they cut right back to real time So that you don't miss One second of the argument But that implies they can edit They could edit out They had the ability to edit And they were like no
Starting point is 00:27:21 It's one shot and every second Of it stays in And not only that We need a man in a suit To say how important it is Before it starts rolling And to really give the impression This is what they do
Starting point is 00:27:37 This is the kind of thing they do This is the kind of art The dragon art video is known for This is what we do and hey If you offend easily you best walk out Because if there's one thing you're going to see right now It's humans having sex We promise you
Starting point is 00:27:53 Just lying All around I like the just The just eternal war that begins That you really start to see I get the struggle That is going to happen for the rest of this It's that he will get up to
Starting point is 00:28:09 Maybe 20% of an erection And then they'll start doing improv again And like all of his thoughts go to improv And so they argue for a while And the erection just goes away And then he's like no I gotta try to get it back You get 20% of an erection and then she starts improv And he's like god damn it I gotta improv again
Starting point is 00:28:25 It's just Totally opposite I was gonna say when I'm in the pocket It was a rock you know what I mean So like when I made that BP oil spill joke At the top I was ready to go That's how you know he's not a natural It's when I'm floundering
Starting point is 00:28:41 Improv actor As soon as I see improv erection As soon as I see Michael pretend to be like a Grocer or a train conductor I'm just boom Rock hard If you hand me a drumstick and I pretend It's a helicopter propeller fuck
Starting point is 00:28:57 So Here he is They're complaining and he just buries his head in their crotch Like that's how they end that argument And he comes up for Aaron He goes I never knew I never knew And she goes you never asked you son of a bitch Oh he's sleeping with other broads
Starting point is 00:29:13 And he's like That was an olive branch For God's sake I was trying to Put a positive vibe Into the scene but no It's trying to change my character from A hateful little goblin of a man To
Starting point is 00:29:29 Some sort of somebody that's into you at all No fuck you And what truly is a I mean borderline upsetting because this is actually The 70s and there's no understanding of what Safety or like regulations This was made under Because you sounded like Sean said it was just
Starting point is 00:29:45 Something a kid found in the woods one night But They're arguing Including negating each other's Improv in a state where they're both agitated And naked and on camera Which has got to be Feel weird and like flood you with emotion
Starting point is 00:30:01 And then they're Throttling each other lightly and like Pushing each other around It's very It's such a unique artifact because it's not easy too It gets a little fighting It's so uneasy my god He's like I'm actually a good guy
Starting point is 00:30:17 And she's like no you're a piece of shit And so he shoves her into the bed really hard And he's like that's okay We're still doing improv porn It's all good So It's gonna sound like we're going back in time but From there
Starting point is 00:30:33 She puts his limp penis In her mouth and just sort of slops it around And he repeats That's what the picture in the magazine was And then we hear a very Distinct off-screen burp Just someone off camera Just goes burp and the guy's
Starting point is 00:30:49 Lost to that it's oh it's beautiful And then And then it cuts away to To Dora Dildo Meanwhile They even do a little meanwhile thing The gall of that Meanwhile
Starting point is 00:31:05 Like these two things are connected somehow Right So They're cutting to a bat pussy in her home And she's just sitting around waiting for crime Because her vagina Can detect crime In her filthy warehouse
Starting point is 00:31:21 Which they actually say in her secret warehouse hideout And they sure enough They cut to just like Somebody's warehouse they work at She's sleeping on a dirty couch with a white She's sleeping on the fucking like smoke break couch Brick wall, yeah It's more lewd than we're making it sound
Starting point is 00:31:37 In a fumigation tent of a nighty A little nighty on, yeah And I don't know if this was just The dirt baggiest girl of all time Or if her character was that she curses a lot But she says While by herself she goes God damn I feel like a crime is about to be committed
Starting point is 00:31:53 My secret twat tells me somebody's about to shoot Fuck movie in my holy Gotham city I think it's a job from bat pussy out of my nightgown Into my bat pussy uniform Perfect delivery Thank you it really is It's so gross like the whole scene This person the way she's
Starting point is 00:32:09 Talking the thing she's saying I hate it It's so gross Nothing we say will Truly paint the picture because It's an execution from moment to moment Thing that you just can't capture, yeah Yeah for some reason I hated
Starting point is 00:32:25 The follow up to that scene which is that She hauls her bat pussy uniform I have just like a filing Cabinet drawer and then we Don't cut away and so she's and it's not Sexy she's not changing her clothes Sexually it is like Pure clumsy utility
Starting point is 00:32:41 Of like somebody trying to put on clothes That they've never put on before And it just Watch her do that and it's like It is aggressive somehow I don't know I hated watching that almost More than the sex And there's no thought to making this costume sexy
Starting point is 00:32:57 It's got like man tidy Whitey briefs on the outside It's just Like a Walgreens Batman Costume that she She puts on like the leggings part way Then puts on her shirt then pulls The leggings up so for a long time
Starting point is 00:33:13 If you follow me like The pale part of her body is just A stripe where her vagina is It's just like it's very Unappealing framing of the human form In every possible way Yeah you don't want to see that Then she gets on a balloon
Starting point is 00:33:29 And just hops across A field for I want to say six and a half Real minutes like It seems about right It's insane I could only call it bubble music I guess
Starting point is 00:33:45 You don't know what that fucking song is But it's like a loop Of 45 seconds of song Music yeah I do want to make clear that before she Climbs out of her outhouse and gets on her moon hopper She does say Many more times
Starting point is 00:34:01 Like the premise that she says And I quote dirty mother fuckers Back out them city and then it's kind Of unintelligible but she's talking about Somebody else getting Getting laid and nobody's going to Cheat on her so I think this is her improv That the guy filming the
Starting point is 00:34:17 The porn is her Boyfriend and she Also wants a cut of the pornography profit So she's not like stopping this Lude behavior because she wants Gotham to be pure she now wants In on the The porn crime
Starting point is 00:34:33 That's right Okay good I'm glad we're all on the same page I was very confused I didn't want a second opinion on that Also I want to reiterate we're not skipping Any explanation with the The balloon hopping That's it She just doesn't and this will take up
Starting point is 00:34:49 90% of her scenes We will cut back to this Throughout the movie there at least 25 minutes of this movie is Her hopping on this Balloon while This jaunty little tune Plays and
Starting point is 00:35:05 There's nothing there's no reason for any of it It never has a payoff Also by far the most traditionally Attractive person in the movie And they Use her really sparingly Which is just Every choice is interesting
Starting point is 00:35:21 Hops on a ball while we watch from like 800 feet away with A $12 camera Like it's suddenly airplane Except you know those scenes Where they speed the footage up It's one of those shots And they forgot to speed the footage up
Starting point is 00:35:37 It's like the uncut shot Of Benny Hill running through a field But just really 55 year old Benny Hill you know the raw Footage of him fucking huffing and puffing With extras behind him There's a scene where she's hopping Along the highway and it must be
Starting point is 00:35:53 On a slight incline because there's About two thirds of the hops don't make any forward progress And a few of them she actually goes backwards And we're just sitting there watching the whole Time and It's not impossible that she could have got hit by A car like she was pretty close to the 65 mile an hour highway traffic
Starting point is 00:36:09 Yes. Do you think This is like enforced edging They're like no this things are getting too hot You can't come and leave the movie now She rolled the stick around her mouth Like a bag of marbles twice Like we're already on our load here Yeah
Starting point is 00:36:25 Being honest that is closer to my kink zone Because I grew up with like those Shannon tweed movies where you'd watch 85 minutes Of like a really bad crime thriller To get half of a side boob And like that to me is like Where my libido developed It's love of erotica
Starting point is 00:36:41 So that's the hottest thing for me Is just like way too much Non-sex to get to just A fleeting moment of something close to sex Like that's my Edit edging I have to blast the white noise machine Because of all the nights watching
Starting point is 00:36:57 Spice TV through the scrambled Cable box, you know It's the only way I can finish I do remember that we had a satellite What's funny is My girlfriend uses it to sleep So Every night it's a huge mess
Starting point is 00:37:13 I just immediately come everywhere She falls dead asleep There's no one to help She's like why you always wait till I'm asleep Exactly And you're like darlin' you can't suck And she says She's like you can't fucking suck
Starting point is 00:37:29 You're fucking too many other people I'm like those are mutually exclusive precepts And she's like fuck you You can't But you do See you guys sound better at improv than the stars of this film Yeah it's already getting too sophisticated There was too much development in that
Starting point is 00:37:45 And we I guess there's two jokes technically But I feel like this is the right time To mention the first of two jokes Which is that Bat Pussy stops to pee Right I'm not gonna call it real time
Starting point is 00:38:01 In an amount of time that's longer Than you'd think it would take someone to pee It seems slower than it should be Like I thought I thought it was supposed to be like Sexy at first But they also filmed it Like I said from like 800 feet away
Starting point is 00:38:17 4 resolution camera Just 4 total So it's She's like in shadow It's totally just abstract art Of an unsavvy woman being And look we're not saying voyeuristically shot Footage of a woman
Starting point is 00:38:33 100 yards away taking a piss in the woods Can't be erotic obviously It's the height of sexiness But even With those factors The way this is shot Totally non-sexual It just seems like a woman
Starting point is 00:38:49 Almost abstractly Maybe she's just squatting I don't even know that we see pee Like maybe she's just squat in the squatting position But regardless It felt like a comedy bit It felt like someone said you know it'd be hilarious if she stopped to pee Or maybe it's not even in the script
Starting point is 00:39:05 Maybe she just had to pee And she just said fuck I gotta go pee This is a great treat for that Someone else is like you know what else would be hilarious They were salting a woman in the woods And they were like we'll do both We'll do both This is good
Starting point is 00:39:21 Quite an adventure she's Having on the way to this porn film Fuck tape yeah There's a woman standing alone in a park Just literally doing nothing Just waiting for the other guy to run at her He's like running at her like the Tasmanian devil And he grabs her
Starting point is 00:39:39 And they kind of wrestle Going negative two miles an hour On her moon hopper Stands up and beats him with the inflatable moon hopper Until he's motionless I think we're supposed to think he's dead She kills him Fair enough whatever
Starting point is 00:39:55 And then the woman Thanks her and she hops away And the woman runs away It takes 45 minutes That was still the bubble music This is the same bubble music That we use to watch her pee, to watch her bounce Yeah it's like that Disney plus show
Starting point is 00:40:11 About the fucking guppies It's like that soundtrack It's stuff you learn letters and numbers to Right Very erotic We'll take MDMA and regress mentally Either way So my notes say that
Starting point is 00:40:29 He now is going down on her And he says you ain't got pussy all you got It's a goddamn worst of God Don't know what it means I don't know what it means but it's savage Yeah it's She hates it, she disagrees
Starting point is 00:40:45 And then she's like you love sucking it And then he's like no I hate it, it's too big It's gross and she says a lot of people like it And his response to that is you're out of your fucking ass You're out of your ass Bad pussy And meanwhile They're just
Starting point is 00:41:01 Oh you're talking about the scene Where in bad pussy charges in Okay The bed Becomes increasingly inadequate Especially when the third body arrives There's just It's almost like an octopus configuration
Starting point is 00:41:17 Where they're joined at the center of the bed And everyone's torso Can't seem to stay put On the center mass of the bed It's amazing Now I have Before we get to the menace tois What are your notes about their love making
Starting point is 00:41:33 Let me see if I have one of your quotes Do you have Him saying Now only one motherfucker around that sucked that pussy And it's me And I will suck it I did not take that note I'm really glad you brought that
Starting point is 00:41:49 Thank you I found A fascinating one there in the middle of Just sort of pawing at each other Like 11 year olds discovering their anatomy He goes and he gets the magazine, the screw newspaper For reference And he says see that girl right there in that magazine
Starting point is 00:42:05 And then he reinvents cunnilingus He just starts back on What you'd call basic cunnilingus And her response to this is Motherfucking bastard I love it and then he gets really mad at her And he says you're coming in my mouth goddammit Quit coming
Starting point is 00:42:21 He thinks he says what's his white stuff Come on That's Kim I don't think that they're familiar with Any of this That is the only thing that just shuts her down though Like she is so confused And bewildered by that that she just stops
Starting point is 00:42:37 For a little bit She's been haranguing him Just as much as he's been haranguing her And then after that she's just silence So the fight kind of goes out So this actor Not the character, the actor Might have really gone into filming this movie
Starting point is 00:42:53 Thinking that any Recreations of any form was like A woman fully orgasming Which is I think something this woman was realizing just now That like oh my god Like He's never lubricated a woman in his life
Starting point is 00:43:09 Yeah this guy is just Remedial sex This is tutorial sex So that was Shocking that part there So much of it is mysterious It's hard to get a window in who these people are Like wow this guy
Starting point is 00:43:25 Does not know how to do this There's now some references to him having sex With his secretary And he threatens that He's going to have anal sex with her And then come home and then Make her do what she's doing With poop on his dong I guess
Starting point is 00:43:43 Is the implied threat He starts putting real numbers on her prostitution He says he used to sell the front For three dollars and asked for two And he really sets this joke he was like No listen listen listen like Darling you used to So like that's
Starting point is 00:43:59 He really wanted her to hear that And then they both Make it clear in their improv that those are real numbers It's not a joke like she really did Prostitute herself for three and two dollars Like the one The one development we're allowing to stick Right
Starting point is 00:44:15 Another great moment of improv Is he's very freckled With redheads So he says I'm never going to suck your titties again Because all the freckles are gone And she agrees that He sucked all the freckles off Like that they came together
Starting point is 00:44:31 That they came together on yeah Almost kind of cute moment Yeah I really like that And he followed that up by saying Every time I lick your vagina it comes out your asshole And she yes Ended that She said
Starting point is 00:44:47 Well yeah you get me all hot and bothered So like she's like It's the exact quote I have here Every time I run my tongue up your pussy It comes out your asshole Now what the fuck is that I mean fair enough So he knows something about it
Starting point is 00:45:05 That would be very convincing He knows that humans don't have cloaca Like he's hip to that But that's the one thing she agrees to And he knows they shouldn't be connected This bothers him And his complaining is now Like gone away from the erotica
Starting point is 00:45:23 And he's complaining that She's always feeding him when he comes home But he doesn't want food he wants And I quote hot pussy on the grill So he's coming over from a hard day of having sex With the secretary She's been prostituting all day and he's like Why are you not offering up sex
Starting point is 00:45:41 The moment I get home Visibly impotent The entire time we've known him Also it bears repeating Like this is never This does not happen in a vacuum They're still like trying to sort of Fuck this whole time as they say these things
Starting point is 00:45:57 To each other is just Pulling at each other like Like a blind person trying to distinguish Types of steak It gave me the feelings that I imagine That That night Aziz Ansari Twirling in the ether
Starting point is 00:46:13 I'm sorry but I gotta be honest Towards the end They're fighting enough and disagreeing enough That you have to think like Is this still okay But this is even happening But it's okay Only in the sense that it's from the 70s
Starting point is 00:46:29 So what the fuck are we gonna do about it now Yeah there's like there's no It blew me away that there was No at least discussion of like limits Like what am I going to do what am I not going to do There was no discussion whatsoever And they were just like well this is fucking an improv Let's go
Starting point is 00:46:45 There was some safety regulation I don't know if regulation is the right word But he does mention some work he did Before hand where he says my horoscope says I'm supposed to fuck you in your nose And your ear So I mean he did some research before They started filming and her comeback to this
Starting point is 00:47:01 Was my horoscope says I'm supposed to get Another man I really liked that That was I so she's getting Her improv legs Um Yeah she starts getting one up so I'm fine The hive is buzzing
Starting point is 00:47:17 And I think that's when he starts truly getting mad Because you can see around this point It gets a little less like Wacky mad and a little more like Legitimately he starts getting angry And they're mostly The fact that it's a porn is an excuse To shove you around basically
Starting point is 00:47:33 Yeah So he's so clearly embarrassed that he cannot For the life of him get it up Even a little bit Yeah he's getting very frustrated So he In her response she says I'm gonna get another man He says I'd shoot the motherfucker
Starting point is 00:47:49 And she's like you wouldn't shoot him And he's like no no I'm talking about you And that's how he put it And so then he says that He would have sex with the guy He would shoot her and have sex with a guy And she's like you wouldn't have sex with a guy And so he kind of makes
Starting point is 00:48:05 Strangely progressing Yes he makes this point several times that like no no no If you cheated on me I would murder you And have sex with a man And I think that's fine and I do it all the time Now she says she would never have sex with a girl In
Starting point is 00:48:21 I don't know if I'd go all the way homophobic But she's kind of like putting her foot down Like women are not her type Very much 70's standard of like Yeah I will never do this I don't want it to sound like she's She turned into some Horrible person all of a sudden
Starting point is 00:48:37 She started as a monster and did not Yeah it wasn't sudden So this is actually the start Of her character arc Because she mentions this a couple more times And then later kind of Fools around with bad pussy a little I'm skipping ahead but there is a character arc
Starting point is 00:48:53 In this movie and it came from this moment Where the guy just volunteered That he would murder her and have sex with her From there she created a moment of true character Like I say She gets like a C at this improv class And he does not pass He does not pass
Starting point is 00:49:09 God where are we at I have here in my notes that he blows a raspberry on her crotch That's true And she says he don't know what you're doing I get totally accurate Ain't supposed to sound like that God damn it They says I'm gonna really show you
Starting point is 00:49:25 And so then he very clearly is trying To get his tongue up inside her As deep as it will go Which fans of oral sex will recognize It's not a top notch technique If you're really close with someone It doesn't hurt there's nothing wrong with it But it's not like the crowd pleaser
Starting point is 00:49:41 It can't be your central move Not the finishing move It definitely should not follow up I'm gonna show you I know what I'm doing So she responds to this By complaining again that he doesn't know What he's doing If he was doing his grandmother
Starting point is 00:49:57 That's what she says to him That's a wild thing to say You'd think his grandma would be such a repository Of wisdom and information You'd have to guide right there If you don't know now If grandma can't walk you through something Yeah exactly
Starting point is 00:50:13 So she broke the seal on the incest And this bounced around their improv heads For a little while And I love that they're like oh this we can dig in on This we can build from The characters are maybe not incestuous But like think about it a lot So
Starting point is 00:50:29 Their marriage is 11 years old And after they've established That there is a marriage And that she wants to leave him She now invents a divorce lawyer That she also has sex with And new detail That's why he isn't paying child support
Starting point is 00:50:45 So He says that they have two kids And she volunteers Well hold on I have the bit written down She says He says If a kid came out of that pussy right there
Starting point is 00:51:01 It'd be a goddamn monster Which is just Just a terrifying thing Wait is that a clay face reference I'm losing the Batman thread That's definitely a clay face She yells at him and he continues to say I'm through with this
Starting point is 00:51:17 I ain't fucking with no kids Like he didn't know she had kids She says If you fuck my kids I'll kill you you goddamn bastard They're just Two improv lighthouses Both of them fogbound Stabbing blindly into the void
Starting point is 00:51:33 They're each just Dropping grenades in everybody's bit No one can advance Because everyone is so fucking insane Just getting savagery and savagery Well you could get it up if you didn't do so much heroin all the time Oh what's that now What's that now
Starting point is 00:51:49 And he just Fails at every storyline And just says darlin I love you Darlin I love you Just over and over and over Because you can see that we are now At least 30 minutes into this porn And he's still not gotten an erection
Starting point is 00:52:05 You can see it's really starting to like Occur to him This is not going to happen So every once in a while he tries to shut the bit down Just for the purposes of his erection And even when he succeeds It does not happen It's like you are nagging me into flaccidness
Starting point is 00:52:21 Please stop Is the subtext of this phase of the exercise So god We've already talked about the bet pussy thing We cut back to her Doing her very very long journey here And Now
Starting point is 00:52:41 It cuts back to him I feel like the weird focus on this Is like Was this a fetish I know it is currently Is this where it came from Are we doing like fetish archaeology Here
Starting point is 00:52:57 Was this like balloon popping Like proto balloon popping I'm almost certain it's just impotence No no the balloon bouncing Oh the bouncing up and down of a giant balloon Yeah Because it's so prominent and it's so long I think they even intended as a fetish
Starting point is 00:53:13 I think they intended as their one funny bit That they really executed on It came across as a comedy bit to me But They come back and he's still complaining And she's still Doing her best to like get it going With mouth stuff
Starting point is 00:53:29 He's It's not working and he goes see what you done to it So he's like trying to will this erection Into reality Massacred my boy And I have in bold He says he comes from
Starting point is 00:53:47 He comes home from work and wants to fuck her in the nose And arm This is the thing he says While he's like desperately trying to get This thing working he's just like okay My penis isn't working what's something That's just so erotic That nose sex let's try that
Starting point is 00:54:03 So it's sort of like In many ways a microcosm Of an abusive relationship there's like A lot of hostility and apologies And then it's true love and then back to the abuse And then very very strong affection And then belligerent Insanity and then you know
Starting point is 00:54:19 Repeat and they've been doing this all movie And It brings me to my favorite moment We're skipping another one of my favorite quotes I think we've already skipped past it I might be here at the same part of my notes Oh where he's Is he going down on her and says something?
Starting point is 00:54:35 I'll let you do it He's going down on her and he says I'd like to suck your pussy till your head caved in You know And then he really doubles down and he says Your head will cave in I love it You know
Starting point is 00:54:51 I love that yours was different Yours was different from mine Mine was he just stops and says Darling would you like to be fucked in the ass And she waits a beat And goes nope No It's the kind of thing
Starting point is 00:55:07 There's your boundary Usually arranged ahead of time If you're going to go that way But nice of him to finally ask for some kind of consent True So then They stopped and be like The guy off camera said holy crap
Starting point is 00:55:23 That's a great idea And so everything the camera goes silent Silence And then they look at the camera and they're like uh huh uh huh I believe they even say Uh huh He says do what Like they brought the audio back in
Starting point is 00:55:39 And Then they pretend He gets behind her and they pretend To have anal sex and he goes I'm going to go pull him up to your colon He says I'm going to put my pole in Up to your colon
Starting point is 00:55:55 Oh is that what he said? It's so hard to understand him But yeah that's fantastic His best line in the movie then Uh she pretends to It's a little bit painful for her She goes ah stop it Quit it You don't know how to fuck anybody in the AS
Starting point is 00:56:11 But again this is not happening It is absolutely not happening It's not even like the way The bodies don't line up They don't even make an attempt If you studied uh yeah Comedia del Arte or No theater it is the mere suggestion
Starting point is 00:56:27 Of anal sex I mean as is there You can just look at it Not being inside something Or filled with human blood And they repeat my favorite comedy beat Where he goes how does it feel And she takes a beat and goes
Starting point is 00:56:43 Terrible It's Such a killer moment That's the part where he cuts to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony right Laughing their asses off Talking about what shit the show is Yeah good stuff
Starting point is 00:56:59 Good stuff um She starts to complain that he's always jacking off In the bathroom here and at work Uh as to that by saying the secretary Is always calling to complain like Your husband's here at work masturbating again And they've completely given up the theater of sex He just disengages and they start arguing again
Starting point is 00:57:15 Uh we cut Back to Betpussy still on her journey And she finally is now At their apartment and they live in like One of those like sad like Off-campus housing units you might see Where it's just like a rectangular apartment Complex
Starting point is 00:57:31 I'm gonna cut in again Because we're skipping one of my favorite moments Which is that this actual cut Where they cut from them to Betpussy is She whispers the director Says something he doesn't hear again She whispers like take some pictures or something Like to advance the spot I guess
Starting point is 00:57:47 To just well and I think to justify The things she already said which is One of the premises in the stew That she presented was that Maybe Betpussy doesn't like people shooting Porno without her and Betpussy feels left out So she's like you have to retroactively
Starting point is 00:58:03 Establish that this was all a porno You were filming And he's like I can't hear you Over the throbbing of my cock It's too rigid So instead of Ending the scene that way he just looks at her And he goes darlin you got
Starting point is 00:58:19 The biggest pussy in the world And then it cuts away That's the line that they cut away It's straight up a performer Who's just like past the fuck it Point and not trying to seem Stuff together that you're throwing at them That's how you interrupt
Starting point is 00:58:37 I just love that cut so much That's when they cut to the ball bouncing And she arrives at their sad apartment complex So now he has the camera and he's Begging for her to hold herself Open he's got to have it And it's very very weird And he gets the idea that he's going to take
Starting point is 00:58:55 Some pictures from the magazine Make and make a fortune And then Betpussy I mentioned earlier that she's very lewd And she comes in and makes He makes the little shutter noise with his mouth When he takes the picture It's true
Starting point is 00:59:11 It's adorable it almost redeems him It does not but it almost does Betpussy's entrance line is What in the goddamn fuck do you Fuckin' things going on in here And they don't They just shut down for a minute It was neither one of them were like
Starting point is 00:59:29 I can't react to a third thing Yeah So she shoves him onto the bed And just starts sort of biting his hips She's from the same school Of pornographic acting Where she sort of goes through the motions Might look like sex from space
Starting point is 00:59:45 But does not in the bedroom And he starts screaming Batwoman please Batwoman please And he's Telling his wife who's very mad She's like I don't like this that there's another woman in the bed He's like I'm so mad I'm going to fuck her
Starting point is 01:00:01 That's what I'm going to do I'm going to fuck her Then he asked if it's okay And she doesn't say it's okay Which it's irrelevant anyway This man hasn't had an erection for 40 minutes Now He shoves his wife This is like the tension
Starting point is 01:00:17 The tension was killing me here Like okay, Batpussy's in the mix now Was he just waiting for the Conventionally more attractive woman to get here Right And like this is what's going to do it for him Surely he'll come through in the end Surely the classic Batman slides down the pole bit
Starting point is 01:00:33 Is coming up any second now It does not It does not Have a real relationship like they might be husband and wife And this is like a third member Of this group sex That he's very excited to Like finally get permission to do something
Starting point is 01:00:49 With It does not work out for him But you can tell he's He's now desperate for this to be working out So he is just going to town Rubbing and Chomping and biting and Meanwhile she says eat it mother fucker
Starting point is 01:01:05 God dang it eat it She's so mad God dang it There's a line here He's calling her Batwoman many many times There's one part where He's literally Just screaming Batwoman
Starting point is 01:01:21 Batwoman Batpussy She'll find it Like such a good beat when she just caught There was like a quiet second she goes Batpussy And then Batpussy joins in With a belligerent insanity so she's like
Starting point is 01:01:37 You're not the king of Gotham You're not the queen of Gotham And they have a long argument about this And then he screams hey if you can't fuck Get out of bed And then Someone off camera burps again Get out of my bed if you can't fuck
Starting point is 01:01:55 Meanwhile this man has accused Everybody who's come near him of not Being able to fuck while he very visibly Physically Fuck He says he wants to marry Batpussy He loves Batwoman He loves Batpussy
Starting point is 01:02:11 He just wants to marry her She falls off the bed Because they just don't know what to do They don't know like which way to put their bodies There's different combinations of people Who want to be touching And people who don't want to be touching Anymore so they follow each other
Starting point is 01:02:27 Around the bed like caged Panthers Batpussy is literally begging him For sex And so he looks back at the camera man again And he decides let's try this again He jumps on her and With clearly visible flopping Dong outside of her body is just kind of
Starting point is 01:02:47 Going through the motions of humping her hips Like Yeah he doesn't even line up to like Be between her legs he mounts her leg Yeah like intentionally And she tries to redirect him like at least Go between the legs so it kind of looks like it And he's like no no no
Starting point is 01:03:03 I know what to do with you It's the leg He tells her to get out of bed And she goes fuck you just steal your thing Just get out of here Just fuck her just go ahead and fuck her That's what I had in my notes I understand it doesn't make a lot of sense
Starting point is 01:03:19 But that's what she said to him So He also says God y'all ain't doing it right at one point After he takes a note from the camera man Like someone says hey blah blah blah blah And he goes got it got it Y'all ain't doing it right
Starting point is 01:03:35 And then he goes back to humping her hip I'm glad we got that was that clean Can we drop that in if we need it Great And then they stop again so he can take some more Notes from off camera which are very clearly Someone yelling have sex And he gets like real serious
Starting point is 01:03:51 He's like okay I got this And he gets sort of in the middle where One might actually have sex Out of really wet cough Which This does not stop It's just the grossest fucking movie She now has a
Starting point is 01:04:07 Coughing fit for the entire Rest of the movie We skipped over one moment Where He's arguing with the what Potentially is his wife the older woman And he says to get out of bed And she says she's not gonna and he just looks at her
Starting point is 01:04:23 Very clearly and you can see that he's breaking The character and he just goes fuck you That one was real That one was real That one was real That one was real But this one I think like broke the seal on her
Starting point is 01:04:39 Not mentioning the Limp penis so now she's She's taking a strap on And she's like Taking care of herself with that She's fucking herself with the dildo And going like wrecking nazis He's seen anything like this before
Starting point is 01:04:55 Motherfucker She goes motherfucking dick spend you You can never get a hard on And bat pussy responds to that with a wet cough He does not prove his wife wrong When he rubs his lip body against bat pussy And he rears up and here again He takes the character that he had
Starting point is 01:05:13 Of this wife and he recreates it here with his His New lover bat pussy He rears up and he goes bat pussy is the greatest She responds with a wet cough Then he goes down on her and he says to her You don't know how to fuck bat pussy He turns on her on a dime
Starting point is 01:05:31 He turns because he realizes I think he finally realized like It's not happening with her eyes He's a player man he fucks them and leaves them I mean he fails to fuck them He fails to fuck them and then blames them for it He now gets an idea I think this is born of his own brain
Starting point is 01:05:49 And he puts the women next to each other And sort of lays across them Just rubbing himself against Two unhappy women's armpits And the wife is now complaining About his limp penis because it's just all over her Like he's just rubbing this limp thing All over her and it's all she's mentioning
Starting point is 01:06:05 Bat pussy is Coughing way too hard to say anything And the camera zooms in on this It's like oh this is going to be a sweet fucking shot And it's just this pile of Riding flesh like Slesh riddle Yeah just like an old cantaloupe left in the sun for weeks
Starting point is 01:06:21 It's just It's just a nature photography Of maggots I don't want to make it grosser than that So obviously these people don't quite know What to do here so once they get into this Riding Pile they say okay this is sex
Starting point is 01:06:39 Let's just do this until we die So that's just it Well we have skipped over The ending we mentioned it That the ending of her character Wife's character arc is that she Kind of does some gay stuff With bat pussy
Starting point is 01:06:55 He tries to start that By saying like I'll tell you what You suck that woman's pussy And she says no And then he kind of pushes them together anyway And they try to film it Like they're going at it But then they zoom in
Starting point is 01:07:11 And she the bat pussy goes out on her And then we zoom in on her And it's just an unhappy woman looking at a vagina From like She's not pretending She's just looking at it Like a bad dog Just looking at it
Starting point is 01:07:27 And they zoom in And they zoom in until like her face Fills the whole frame of her just unhappy At vagina And it was incredible That they left that in That they zoomed So in this big pile
Starting point is 01:07:43 The wife finally battles her way out And kind of gets off On her own and grabs the strap on And she starts putting that into bat pussy Fulfilling the only character arc available Yes, so he's kind of rubbing his Dung against her belly button while she does this And I want to stress
Starting point is 01:08:01 The lack of lubrication being used by anyone Like this looks so Aggressive and painful Like the chafing that is going to happen Would be known to Literally anyone who's ever had sex Ever They're dipping into those chalk bags
Starting point is 01:08:17 That rock climbers use Yes, really That's the vibe And then while this is happening He screams, I love you bad pussy My wife has done for me I've got to stay with her And then the wife says
Starting point is 01:08:33 I'm a complicated man, bad pussy I've come to a realization She says you don't know how to fuck That's real I don't think that's the character anymore That's the other Complete character drop We can't use any of this
Starting point is 01:08:49 So The lubeless dildo assault is going There's a lot of off-camera commands happening And You guys mentioned the structural integrity of her beehive For me, in my notes It says it's deflated into A mop of damaged bangs
Starting point is 01:09:05 But it lasted so long It went through so much It's like a Macy's Day parade balloon It did go down, but it took Longer than you'd think to deflate Like they've been falling off that bed And just rolling on each other Right
Starting point is 01:09:21 It took a lot of abuse before then Now I worry that we Skip over the part where she falls off the bed I think we mentioned it But yeah, there was a lot No, where she falls off the bed On her And he lands on her face
Starting point is 01:09:37 As first And she's such a pro that she moans erotically When he does it And then they stop the production While the sound cuts out The directors ask, like, are you okay? And then he goes, oh, shit Did I hurt you? And then their directors talk again
Starting point is 01:09:53 And then they get back on the bed You're right It's weird I didn't have that in my notes At this point I was just enjoying it That part was based on the killing joke I want to talk about the ending The ending is so powerful
Starting point is 01:10:13 He's declared his love He's declared how bad pussy can't fuck Several different ways He's now laid across them both again Just limply rubbing himself against their bodies And he screams to everyone in the room I'm gonna stick it in her ass And nobody is convinced
Starting point is 01:10:29 No one believes it And then Bat Pussy's responses With some wet coughs And then she just gets up and leaves I'm convinced this is not supposed to happen Right? Like, this wasn't No, I think she's fucking... She has to wrestle her way out of the pile
Starting point is 01:10:45 I think the porno was supposed to be longer Than, like, 49 minutes It's a very weird length, yeah And he screams at Bat Pussy as she leaves You're a sorry bitch Well, first he yells, come back Come back! And then he yells, you're a sorry bitch When she does not come back
Starting point is 01:11:01 Because she Legitimately just quits the flesh pile Right, and that is a wrap on Bat Pussy She's gone The other two stay in the bed Kind of rub on each other And then it's just over Just a pile
Starting point is 01:11:17 Of softly breathing Denny's line cooks He does the entire David O. Russell I. Hart Huckabee's blow-up monologue And then it ends Yes, amazing Good stuff He starred in an entire Almost hour-long porn movie
Starting point is 01:11:33 With no erection And he yelled at everybody who came near him Yeah Everyone left divorced I love that whether he's yelling He loves you, he loves your pussy Or you can't fucking your pussy sucks He brings equal passion
Starting point is 01:11:49 To either side of the coin He really is a two-face, I think Batman universe character That's true, yeah, and I guess she's poison ivy Just because of the red hair And the spores growing on her And the just man-hating attitude after this That's true
Starting point is 01:12:05 Surely, surely after this So her character is that she's Decided never to sleep with men again, I think That must be And women already weren't her type So she's left with plants That's it, yeah There you go
Starting point is 01:12:21 Batman origin story I'm really, really glad I've wanted to talk about this movie for so long Ever since I saw it, I'm like, oh, I'll write something about that And I'm like, when am I gonna fucking write something? Swam's gonna love this Who could you possibly Flick this on?
Starting point is 01:12:37 Swam and it won't cause problems, legally speaking For me Cause you guys have both written many Comedy articles, can you imagine Trying to put this in like written Word with like screenshots, it would be Even the parts where there aren't genitals Would need to be fully censored
Starting point is 01:12:53 Could not look at a single still Of this movie and feel okay about Showing people I was gonna say, I can't restate enough that like 80% of the shots are the same Shot, which is just like A few pixels of beige It's a very samey looking It's like a sandy square
Starting point is 01:13:09 Of low-res They're the same skin tone as the bed As the wall, as the carpet It's just all Greasy flesh I think this is probably the superior way To experience this masterpiece Is listening to us
Starting point is 01:13:25 Never watch this, please No, don't go look this I know some of you guys go And look this up afterwards You made this funnier It was more delightful to talk with you guys about Than it was to watch, by far It will hurt a part of you
Starting point is 01:13:41 That will not heal God, they're just gonna take that as a dare You're the Robin in the situation Let's put it that way That's why Robin's not on screen Because you and you're in an alleyway Getting your brains blown out, okay? Technically it was my job to do this
Starting point is 01:13:57 That's true I got paid to do this This is the life we've built for ourselves Well, Michael, where can people find more From you? You can find all our stuff over at Small Beans I think is the name of it Which is at patreon.com
Starting point is 01:14:13 And by all our stuff I mean myself, Adam Ganzer, Abe Epperson And a bunch of X-cracked folks Yourselves included are represented there But not as heavily as here And we should have you back soon We'd love to stop by And your videos on IGN are great
Starting point is 01:14:29 Michael's these High concept Video game related videos That I'm so amazed you're allowed to do them Seem really hostile about Are they getting Are they warming up to this idea of
Starting point is 01:14:45 Incorporating Interesting things with video games? They're basically cracked videos In spirit but without jokes Because they consider themselves More of actual straight journalism Than comedians I think it's turning around
Starting point is 01:15:01 I'll tell you what, even more so than crack Did They post so much And it's such a big team Everyone really clicks on a personality level So it just comes down to the topic at hand Meaning, you know, if I make a video About Batman, it will do better
Starting point is 01:15:17 Than if I make a video about Arrested development What is the IP? The algorithm perfectly tailors the views too Shunts the views to where they need to go That's why we pick such Popular Projects like
Starting point is 01:15:33 Like Bat Pussy, like 1971 Maybe 73's Bat Pussy If you're smart, you'll headline the column Something like The long forgotten Batman porn That just came to light But you're not You'll just headline it like
Starting point is 01:15:49 Here comes Bat Pussy, fuck yeah And that's why I love you guys Yep Here comes Bat Pussy Look out, you can't fuck And with maximum chow Say Frankfurt podcast Correct
Starting point is 01:16:13 The power is not trapped It's not without Send it to the dogs Come on Jean, you're kidding You do it 1,200 1,200 1,200
Starting point is 01:16:29 1,200 1,200 1,200 1,200 1,200 1,900 Jace McPherson. Children love the meat millie. Chris Brower. Curious Glare. Dan B. Donald Finney. Dean Costello. Best brick breaker for best bottom brick break.
Starting point is 01:17:19 Dr. Awkward. Eric Spalding. Fancy Shark. Gello. Haraka. Hot Fart. Functionally invisible in a Navajo white gi. Javer Al Aiden. Jeremy Neal. John. 17th Dan Yellowbelt. John McCammon. John Minkoff. Josh Fabian. Josh S. Ken Paisley. A&M. Laziest man on Mars. Lyman. Mark Master of Constipated Tiger Style. Matt Cortez. Matt Riley. Mike Stiles. Moju. N.D. Neal Bailey. Neal Schaefer. Nick Relsen. Nick H. Patrick Herbst. Riaman. Rich Joslin. Sarkovsky. Sami Lahey. Toastie God. 42nd Dan Danbelt. Tom Sikula. Yasarian. And your returning champion, Aaron Crosston. World record holder for fastest vehicular manslaughter with knockout. 7.2 seconds.

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