The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - Dogg Zzone 9000 - Episode 45, Vitamin Maniac Naura Hayden, with Jamie French

Episode Date: October 20, 2021

Seanbaby invites Brockway and adult film actress/Dogg Zzone Editor Jamie French into his study, then pulls the secret sconce that unlocks the entrance to his Cursed Library. In it he reveals the entire bibliography of Naura Hayden, uncredited actress, almost-sex expert, and vitamin lunatic. You will NOT learn how to fuck this episode.

One nine hundred hot dog. One nine hundred hot dog. Our podcast slams with maximum hype. Say hot dog podcast word. Yeah. When you taste that nitrate power, You're in the dog zone for an hour. Come on.

Do not remember. One nine hundred. One nine hundred hot dog. One nine hundred hot dog. One nine hundred. One nine hundred hot dog. One nine zero zero zero. Yeah.

Nine thousand. Welcome to the dog zone 9000. The bootleg podcast. The official one nine hundred hot dog comedy website. Visit our Patreon and pay us for joy. I'm the internet's Sean baby. And I'm here with the also internet's Robert Brockway. This is a Brockway fact.

I kept into fuck barge. I have no follow up questions. I was going to allow them this time, but you fucked it up. Don't eat it. I was there. Sorry for fucking up your intro. Obviously, mine rules. Today, our guest is a dear dinky of the show.

She's our audio engineer who is also an erotically renowned adult actress. In fact, the newly crowned as of this moment official porn star of one nine hundred hot dog. America's sweetheart. Jimmy French. Hey there, guys. I've been waiting here this whole time.

It's been what, four months now? Four months. Yeah. Jesus Christ. Finally. Yeah, I know. Our first adult film guest was April O'Neill. But I don't think that by any means makes her the official.

It's a vicious contest. You took it. You took the food out of her mouth. Yeah. Well, I actually beat the shit out of her and took the crown. It was, it was violent. I'm not, it's not my proudest moment. She is like four foot seven.

Like it's not a tough fight. Oh, I'm not. It was easy to be fair. Absolutely. I feel really bad about it. Yeah. This is a real story. The night I met her, we went out, had some drinks with the

Cratch Crew, actually, and she was so small. It just sort of seemed instinctive to just sort of pick her up. And she was like just fully into it and just did it like a talking thing. And we just sort of did this bit where I carried her around like the circus in one hand while she just like casually chatted while like floating in air on one hand. It was just a weird thing.

We both kind of agreed on like non-verbally. Are you sure you agreed on it? Or did you just attempt like temporarily kidnap a woman? That's true. I was at least 70 beers into the evening. This I might be remembering it completely wrong. That's an ogre move. That is a full ogre move.

Yes. Absolutely. I get really ogre progressively the more and more beers I have. But anyway, it's great to have you back on the show, Jamie. Last time you were on, we, what do we read? If Masculinity is Toxic, called Jesus Radioactive, I think was the name of that book. Yeah.

And that was great. We all learned a lot. As though there was a danger of you forgetting that title. Right. I did almost fuck it up. I'm 68 beers into this podcast. So like just start ogering. I'm near full ogre.

Well, let's talk about your work and plug something for you, Jamie, because as you know, we just kind of trail off at the end of these things. So I know that you, I saw from your Twitter, you recently landed a role in a film called Transsexual Stepmoms 4, which seems like a pretty high production shoot. And if I'm understanding correctly, it's the first movie where all of the hot ladies are each other's stepmothers and have sweet dongs. Is that correct?

I don't know if it's the first. But there's no way that's the first. Definitely not one of the last. And a lot of real dynamic variations on traditional approaches to holes, a lot of, a lot of combos all over the place. We, we shot that one. I'm thinking it was about four months ago. And it's just now coming out.

Yeah. The editing process and everything takes time. Sure. But yeah, that just recently came out and it's from a pretty big production company. It was a kind of a milestone in my career. So it's very nice to be a part of that. And it's out there for everybody to see.

Yeah. Congrats. The last, you probably heard this as our audio engineer. We just talked about the worst porno ever made. And so it's a, it's just nice to get glimpses of like high quality, you know. This was all set up. We were setting you up with Bat Pussy just to make you look

extra good when you came on now. Yeah. I felt, I felt incredible about my career after that episode. Yes. I think everyone did. I took over your whole plug though. Let me give you the reins back on your plug. Mine's real easy.

It's just everything can be found through my Twitter account. So twitter.com with the slash and Jamie underscore French from there, everything can be found. Fantastic. And you recently did a huge high quality production of a very stupid song I wrote for our out of death podcast. It was fantastic. And I know it wasn't like the in booth or on stage rock and roll

collaboration we've always dreamed of, but I think you made something beautiful and congratulations again. You're far too kind. I say something about that song. The song is in the, the original song is in the key of F and that is, that is right where my voice starts to really crack. And if I was smart, I would have like transposed the song, maybe a half step down or a whole step down, but now I'm singing

at like the edge of my voice and I wound up coming off to my ear, like the love child of Brett Michaels and Dave Mustaine. Okay. Yeah, that's not a bad thing. Singing at the edge of my voice. That's, that's your album title. The name of the tour.

I just, oh, I got a name for our band. French and furious presents Bob's and Sean. Fucking A. I'm all about it. That's a new t-shirt. I'm, I'm, I'm all over it. Enough mess around. Let's really get to it. Today we're talking about a deceased actress turned sex

relationship vitamin guru Nora Hayden. And. Okay. Did she die of something ironic? You know what? I could not find her, her cause of death. I looked for obituaries, which again is a really tough Google search because it's been taken over by like elderly.

Yeah. It's like internet scams now. Yeah. Obituaries of all things. It's real tough to get obituary info, but on the three things I found it, it was not listed. And I think that's because she probably died of a disease or something like more or less either preventable or

something she claimed to be immune to. Cause a lot of her vitamin books are like, oh, I haven't been sick in 22 years or something. So. Yeah. Like 70%. There's like a 70% chance any of these vitamin people when they die, it's of something ironic.

Right. The highest irony mortality chance of any profession. Yes. Until COVID just like crushed those numbers. Right. But like guys, guys, as a representative of a listening audience, who is this lady? I have no idea who you're talking about.

Oh, I'm very happy to tell you. Nora Hayden, she was an old timey actress in the 50s. And then she wrote what might be one of the most popular books on sex ever called how to satisfy a woman every time and make her beg for more. Give her props for the boldest title. Yeah. It was fantastic.

Fucking Dostoevsky wishes. So I have a whole bunch of her books right in front of me. And I kind of lined up my notes so we can go through her career in chronological order. And I know that when you said, you don't have to be on the show just for sex stuff. I'm very, I'm very excited to tell you that she managed to write like six sex books with only one sex tip across all of

them. Like this is not going to be an erotically charged show. I apologize for that. I was cranky that night. No, no. I understand. But we're going to dip into your other fields of expertise.

Definitely. Yeah. No, I'm all over it now. Yeah, I'm all about it. Let's do it. So she's kind of one of those people that they just exist in the world. And if you sort of glance at them, they seem like normal

and even successful until you just give them the tiniest bit of scrutiny. Like best selling romance author, Gregory Godek. You look at him, you're like, ooh, he must be a really good author. And you're like, oh, no, you're best selling 200 books. Wow. This guy's a fucking idiot.

Best selling. Or Don Diebel. Best selling of fucking trash. If you're listening, Gregory Godek, hi. Come on the show, Coward. You fucking fuck. Come have a romance off with us. Gonna devolve into just attacking an old man for a long time.

Nora Hayden. She started off in her acting career in 1951 and she took roles such as, and I looked these up on IMDb, showgirl, uncredited, woman in bedroom, redhead, uncredited, model, uncredited, harem girl, uncredited. But finally, she was in a movie that gave her a name in 1957. And from there, it was a whirlwind rise to start them with girl uncredited in high school confidential, along with four

small, non-recurring, but named roles on TV shows. Then she hit it big in 1959 on a film called The Angry Red Planet, which was not ever done on Mystery Science Theater, though it is often requested on rift tracks, also not done on rift tracks. So an unmarked but still terrible 1950s sci-fi movie was her biggest hit. In 1960, she was into Danish movies.

One was about aspiring actresses switching bodies with the help of a magic elephant. That's real. That's real? Oh, that sounds awesome. Yes, it sounds pretty good. Now I'm a fan. I'm going to be throwing Nora Hayden for the rest of this

podcast. Here's a fun fact about that movie. Both directors took their name off of it. She also had a bit part in a film called Operation Camel that same year. Okay, that has to be about two known actresses switching bodies with the help of magic camel. I wish it was according to IMDB's translation of the tagline,

join the buddy's exciting and playful experiences in Gaza and Cairo. Nope, I'm right. That's what that's about. That's probably what it's about. The translation was bad, so it was probably body switcher. So after that, she was in a single episode of 11 different TV shows playing roles such as nurse, secretary, actress, and

someone called Big Red on episode 54 of Bonanza. So with this career going to the limit, she started writing books. And this is where we begin our Nora Hayden journey today. 1972, she wrote a book called The Hip, High Proat, Locale, Easy Does It, Cookbook. Great at names, Nora Hayden. Just wonderful title.

Dostoevsky fucking wishes. He fucking keeps wishing. He keeps wishing everyone. He's like, damn it. The logline on the top is the cookbook that does for dieting what the happy hooker did for sex. And that's in quotes, but it's not attributed, I think. Does not sell a book.

Yeah, that does. No one actually said that, I guess is my point. I do want to read the back of the book. Nora Hayden has what everybody wants, and she's willing to give it away. Ooh. Nora Hayden is a ravishing redhead with a fantastic figure, a scintillating acting career, and enough vim and vitality

for an extra career as the proprietor of a very in dining spot. What is more? So I guess she's a restaurateur. I did not find that in my research. No, no, that would say hypothetically. That was saying hypothetically she could be a restaurateur. You know what?

I think you're probably right. They're not so bold as to say. She can have a restaurant, baby. Photoshop gives her four stars. No one says that does work. Yeah, what? Okay. What is more, Nora loves to eat and does so without fear

or inhibition. Her secret? It's simple. What she loves to eat happens to be so very good for her health and her figure that she can eat just as much as she wants with the most delightful consequences. Oh, she fucking likes dieting. Fuck you, lady.

That's not revolutionary. You explained what a diet was and then we're like, but I like it. Yeah. That's fine. I'd like small amounts of low carb food. So I do want to read, I guess, let me tell you about this book just sort of in the high concept notes.

It sort of opens up with an unchecked escalating bragging that starts with no one expected me, an actress, to know how to boil water. That's an actual quote. And by the time she's done with the very first page, she has talked herself into being, and I quote, the Renoir of the kitchen. And then it just describes her incredible journey to stardom

in Hollywood. And I was not like fucking around when I described her career. Like that's her career. And when she describes it, it's just like this amazing, like fucking speedboat to stardom. So on page 17, she finally gets to a recipe, which means she might have actually invented the meandering way too long intro to recipes used today

by all internet cookbook authors. Patron saint of it. Blame her every time. Good for her. I think everyone's least favorite thing about internet recipes. They might be worse than obituaries if you're like trying to look something up. Worse than accidental poisonings.

Everybody's second least favorite thing. So I'm just going to read page 17. Just tell me when to shut the fuck up. I think she did a ton of cocaine and really channeled that into the typewriter. It says, dynamite for breakfast. Blast off with energy that lasts all day long. Good morning, sunshine.

Good morning, raindrops. Good morning, morning. Wow. Shut the fuck up. Wow, that was just instant. That was instantly insufferable. Oh my God. Right.

Yeah. That was all caps, by the way. So it is just this long extended metaphor stretched in every direction about how her body's an engine and it's a Rolls Royce, but sometimes it's a Honda, sometimes it's a BMW. So wait, we skipped ahead to the recipe and it's still not the recipe?

Yes. This is the first recipe. I was just starting to read that. It goes on for, I swear to God, two and a half more pages. And then after that, it's just like normal recipes, like with a ton of seeds at it. Just a fucking onslaught of thoughtlessly seeded, ordinary dishes for hundreds of pages.

Just like, hey, some smashed zucchini, add some soy powder, some seeds, you're done. That's the Nora Hayden recipe. It's a terrible book, but I think it might have been a hit. I don't know, but she kept writing books. I'm just going to throw this one behind me and we're going to go to the next book, 1976. Everything you've always wanted to know about energy,

but we're too weak to ask. So the logline here says the dynamic bestseller that has already brought vitality and glowing health to millions. So I don't know if that's an outright lie or if her first book sold a lot of copies. Well, today, when you lie about being a bestseller, you have to be like, well, if only if you look at like a subcategory of Amazon on a certain day,

then it counts, then I'm a bestseller. But I think back then, you could just lie because there was no way to look anything up. You could just say I'm a bestseller. What was somebody going to do? What were they going to do? Like fly to New York and ask? You couldn't do shit.

You couldn't do shit. This one, let me read the four word. When I finished my last book, I'm going to just skip the first paragraph. It is incoherent. The second paragraph. When I finished my last book, I toured all over the United States,

appearing on television and radio in most of the big cities. And after every show, I received an incredible response from the viewers and listeners. The switchboards would be jammed with hundreds of calls. And I would stay after the shows and talk to as many listeners as I could. In fact, most of the producers sent me letters of testing that I drew more responses than any other guest ever.

My great popularity was not due to me, but to my enormous energy. It was unbelievable and a revelation. The one thing most people were interested in was energy. The one thing most people seemed to lack was energy. And they wanted as much info as possible and how to get it. Shut the fuck up. Yeah, I'm glad you did it.

Somebody had to do it. We're just so late. Somebody had to smack her. You were really late on that one. So this is kind of another theme of her books, is she will just go off about how great she is and how she does these television appearances. And she's just the best guest that anyone's ever had

and changed everyone's lives and blah, blah, blah. And from her perspective, she might actually believe this. If she can describe her film career in the way she describes that, she just goes to the store and buys a jar of pickles and she'll be like, oh my God, I went to the store and invented pickles and everyone that couldn't believe I actually did it.

Everybody clapped. Everybody clapped. So this book is just amateur hour Tony Robbins shit. It is love yourself and eat better and exercise. Bare bones, life coach trash from someone who never checked to see if it was anything. It's an empty positivity. Somewhere in the middle, she does quickly mention cocaine, right?

She has never mentioned cocaine. She's in fact pretty devout Christian at this point. But she's also in Hollywood and clearly like getting around. She's partying with these people. I guess the point is that she got that Jesus energy. She might have the Jesus energy. That could be it. This is someone who grew up fuckable in a community

where that gets you on bonanza. She's had it so easy. The bonanza community. The bonanza community. My notes do say to read you page 69. I don't know if that was like a joke. Nice. I'll edit that out.

No, it's mandatory. I don't know how you could avoid it. We all understood the flatness in your voice. It was compulsive. So she's bringing up sex for the first time in this book. I think that's probably why I tagged the book. Which is funny because it's on page 69. It's perfect.

She says, many doctors believe that a full male orgasm never happens without training. A man can teach himself to slow down when he thinks he will come. And the pleasure of bringing his partner to climax several times while he enjoys the sensual delights of being teased cannot be surpassed by mere ejaculation. And any woman fortunate enough to have such an enlightened male will be the happiest woman in the world.

Teasing is the secret to great sex and only someone who loves will take the time to tease. A real lover isn't interested in slam-bam. Thank you, ma'am. Or buzzword. Thank you, sir. So she's all about staying. Is that the takeaway there?

Most of what she does, I would describe, is edging. Oh, so this isn't a tantric thing. This is, okay. Yeah, I guess it's sort of a sting thing. She really wants to not quite be fucked for a long time. Yes. And so that sex tip is in every one of her books. And there is no second sex tip.

Yes. She's an advocate of gooning is what it sounds like. Gooning? Is that what that is? No. From context, maybe. It's teach us something today. All right.

It's what the kids say. It's instead of edging. Oh, it's just edging, but with the full word. I'm cooking grandpa with my withholding eroticism. So to walk us through gooning, is it as simple as it sounds or can I do it now? It usually requires a boatload of poppers and about eight hours of free time.

Okay. And poppers, that's amyl nitrate? Yeah. Okay. I just don't have time to come that long. It's the loneliest hobby. The kids love it, though. So this book also she invented not just her one sex tip

to not quite have sex for as long as possible, but her author bio, which is Nora Hayden, who is optimistic about the future of the world, loves life, people, and her dog, Seymour, is doing it all. She's running the gamut of performing from stage and screen TV and more recently on records, the vivacious, beautiful redhead starred in the off-Broadway musical Be Kind to People Week, which will be reopening soon,

is completing a film. Oh my gosh. Shut the fuck up. PK. It's not even for a bit. I just hate it. Yeah. No, I agree.

So she mentions the perils of PK in this. This was 1976 and that's a self-driven her vehicle about like an out-of-work actress who turns to like sex work. And it's very autobiographical except for the sex work part. And so I just want to like tag that date 1976. She has included in her author bio like, yeah, I'm pretty much done with this movie. So we'll see if that comes back to be funny later.

Her next book. I think it might. It might. In 1977, the very next year, she wrote a book called Isle of View. And then in parentheses, say it out loud. Yeah, we got it. Yeah. I fucked the bit up because I am saying it out loud,

but like it is that pissed me off hard when I found out about this book. Nora Hayden, I know you're dead, but fuck yourself. I remember hearing that. God, what was that from? That was from someone like young adult child fantasy book. I remember reading that pun for the first time when I was like 12 and still rolling my eyes at like 12. I should also mention that this is when she also invented her Nora Hayden

dynamite vitamin milkshake. And everything she ever did after that was more or less a commercial for the vitamin shake. Like I think that was her main revenue. Until she died from it. Until she killed her. Well, you shouldn't put actual dynamite in it. Yeah.

That's her main mistake. And it's funny you mentioned that because she did insist on some very stupid ingredients that spoiled much quicker than they were supposed to. And this led to a lawsuit that again, I'll get to later. I'm trying to go through her life chronologically. So this book is just a slightly hornier version than the last book. It's a cocaine rant or I guess a Jesus energy rant about like lovemaking and how you should live your life.

But it's just like, I don't even know who her audience could be. There's not a single word of this that you couldn't just think of as a 12 year old or older. She thought she invented sex. Right. She was pretty sure. She is certain she's invented everything she's ever thought of. Trying to find the language to explain to you what sex is.

It's like, it's great. It's like this. It's like two people and you put like stuff almost you almost put stuff in each other, but you don't, you don't do it. You never do it. Oh my God. That's good. And 19 more books.

So it's a book about love, but it opens with a chapter on pleasure in yourself. And it's not about like getting over your fear of like jerking off or sitting on a shower head or whatever. It's about vitamins. It's literally a long pitch for her dynamite vitamin milkshakes. The pleasure in yourself is just like filling yourself with vitamins. Best jerking off is vitamins.

Absolutely. Always say that. And it's 61 pages long. The first chapter about pleasure in yourself has nothing to do with masturbation and it's 61 pages long. Just random tips about how much yogurt and minerals you need based on your chakras. Some shit about how like dancing is fun.

I honestly don't know who it's for. I've never met anyone dumb enough to take anything from this book and I'm from fucking America. Preemptive shut the fuck up. 61 pages. Hold on. Were these traditionally published? Did she have a publisher?

Or were these like, was this all self-published? Let's see. Pocket Books is the name of the publisher? Yeah. Okay. So that's a real? Yeah. That's a real one.

It's a real one. So somebody looked at this and was like, yeah. Like a second possibly third party looked at this and was like, yeah, you need 61 pages about not masturbation. Nobody looked at it. She just slipped some cocaine across the table. Yeah. I think she's cruising through life on sex favors.

I wish that still had publishing worked. I think everyone who met Nora Hayden was like trying to fuck her. I think is what the deal was. You said this was 77? Yeah. That's absolutely what happened. Yeah, for sure. They never did.

They got close, but they never did. They never did. I'm going to read a little bit of page 85. Feel free to say shut the fuck up to me. I'm hardened to it at this point. I'm going to try not to. I'm going to try to let you finish. That goes against the entire ethos of the book.

This is chapter three. Page 85. Faithful to me. And that's faith as in faith in God dash full FULL to me. Just so you already hate it. I just want you to know that you should hate it already. Yeah. Yeah.

I'm not going to hang in there. Have you been cheating on yourself? I know it sounds ridiculous, but lots of us cheat on ourselves every day. For example, did you skip your dynamite milkshake and vites? It only takes two minutes. And make an excuse for not doing your morning exercise. Only 10 minutes. And take a cab or your car instead of walking the few blocks to work.

And have the martinis for lunch. Even though you know they make you sleepy all afternoon. And the double chocolate mousse for dessert. Well, you've been trying so hard to drop a few pounds. Or did you let your husband think you really enjoyed last night's lovemaking? When if you just explained to him that a tiny bit of romance really turns you on, you could really groove with him. Or did you let your wife think you like lima beans?

Okay, I'm going to just stop at this point. You get the idea. This is a woman who has lost her content mind. So here's a fun fact. She sued the publisher of this book for, quote, mangling the editing and also putting no effort into promoting it. There was no editing. Maybe that's what she meant.

Like, you need to edit me. I don't need to rewrite this whole fucking thing. She says they cheated her out of the $3,700 she spent of her own money promoting it. And I don't know what deal they had. It seems unlikely they had a deal. Yeah, you spend whatever money you want. We'll reimburse you for your personal promotions. Try to guess what her lawsuit was for the crimes I've just listed.

Like the amount? Yeah. What do you think she sued for? For $3,700 of her own money and lack of promotion. $3 million. Holy shit. That's so close. Oh, damn it.

I was going to go low. I was going to go hilariously low. No, $3.25 million. I mean, 77 money. That is just all of it. That's all of it. Nobody else had that much money. Narcissists calculate everything that's owed to them by a factor of a thousand.

Yes. That's her math. So that's Isle of View, terrible book. We don't need to read any more of it. Her next book was called Astro-Logical Love. Already done. I'm out. Yeah.

Shut the fuck up me. Shut up halfway. Shut up at the hyphen of your title. When you hear the little space that you leave. Astro. Nope. Fuck you, Nora. But this was marketed as like a logical moon sorcery book.

Like, you know how like you look at the fucking stars and like. A logical moon sorcery. With science. And I swear to God, the way she sold the book was it bragged about listing the birthdays of over 5,000 celebrities. Not even going to fucking open that book up. That's what I'm saying, though. Like, that apparently was valuable information back in 77.

What else would you find that? I guess. Oh my God. I would never, I would never learn this on my own. She had to go around to every celebrity and ask them. I feel like entertainment tonight was already on TV and that they really covered that extensively. Like that. That filled like seven minutes of showtime every day.

Her next book, the same year, 1982, that was the huge one. This was how I discovered Nora Hayden. I reviewed this book for 1,900 Hot Dog. It's called How to Satisfy a Woman Every Time and Make Her Beg for More. And. Again, no ace title. We cannot take that away from her. Fantastic.

And this book, I think, was just massive. Like, I feel like this was one of those books. It was just kind of on everyone's, just like a joy of sex book where just everyone had it. And she had not quite one tip. So she invented clickbait here. Right. And very clear. No one would ever believe me unless they read the entire book like I did.

But I swear to God, the only tip in that book is to kind of get close to sex. But not quite do it. And then, you know, oh, she starts to beg for more. Oh, but you don't quite do it. And then repeat that for 40 minutes, three hours. I don't know what your schedule will allow, but as long as possible. And you finally go in and then she just dies. Just fucking dies right there.

Heart stops on the bed. That's the sex tip. She does have sort of the reverse of that. Like if you're the woman and you're trying to get the guy to do that. It's not to tell him to do that. It's to, like, use your thighs to push him out of you so he can't quite get all the way in there. And then eventually he'll learn like a fucking train fare. Back.

Yes. That's just, I feel like that's a message you don't want to get. I guess if you're the guy and you're like, oh, my woman really likes to have sex with me. And then she's just physically removing you from her. You're like, kicks you across the room. Fuck, baby. I love it. Every facet of this lady is just exhausting.

Yes. You would hate this woman. Oh, God. So one of the reasons I make fun of her is because she'll not, she won't shut up about how sex outside of marriage isn't for her. Like she's okay with you if you want to like betray God, but she would never do it. And since she's only had three husbands, like you can do the math. She's one of those cool presidents.

Yeah. You can do the math on like how well she knows her way around a dick. Like you shouldn't write a sex book if you've only had sex with three people. I think that's just like my advice for the world. But I mean, obviously, obviously she's full of shit. Look, I've had sex with upwards of maybe 12 people and I wouldn't write a book. I mean, I put in some good numbers. I can beat three.

But my theory is that Nora actually had some, I think she put in some pretty good work. I think she knows her way around. I think she wants us to think of her as someone who's just like really good at working those three dongs. But like, I don't doubt her sexual expertise. I just think she has a very, very specific need and it's this one sex tip. During my research, I remembered something from the Louis C.K. show, the Louis show. It was the pilot episode.

He was getting sex advice from his dad when he was seven years old. And his dad almost word for word gave him the Nora Hayden tips. Like you go in, but you do not penetrate. So I'm just saying like this book was so ubiquitous that it was foundational for the responsible for Louis C.K. Yes. One of the world's most famous sex pests had this book be very foundational. This is why he'd always take it out, but never have sex.

This is where he learned that. This is where he learned his crimes. It had a horrible, horrible cultural impact. I got it. Okay. Yeah. There's a whole generation of people who read this book and thought the secret to having sex is just rubbing your tip on it for as long as possible.

And again, I'm sure some people are into that. I just don't think that should be your go to move every time. You know, that dude has good stay out game. Yeah. Really good stay out game. You cannot get that dude in. You can try to force him. He will just like he's slippery.

Work around it. Yeah. He fucks my schedule up. That's what he does. You guys seen bat pussy? He's like that dude. I think this is where she peaked with her author bio. Her author bio for this book talked about how beautiful and fit and vivacious she was,

but it also lists her height and her weight. It lists the color of her house. It lists like pilots. She's working on like stuff that didn't ever get released. She also talks about her, her, of course, vitamin milkshake and Facebook shirt. It really is. It's like 14 Facebook shirts like stapled together. I live in a blue house working on six pilots.

I never fuck. Never fuck with a Gemini who loves horses. I'm going to move on to the next book, which is from 1985. This is called the perils of PK and it is the novelization of the movie that will be released next year. And she wrote it herself. Release the novel first. Yes.

According to my numbers, there are some IMDb is sometimes. Announce the movie, but release the novel first. Yes. She wrote her own novelization of the screenplay and this is okay. You'll laugh out loud at this wacky off the wall story of a once rich and famous movie star as she tells her shrink all the hilarious antics that caused her to fall from stardom and become a has been stripper. So then it describes, you know, how great she is and all of her, her body of work.

So I'm just going to read some of this to you. Yeah. This stripper who's just barely not Nora Hayden. Now remember her other book was nine years ago. She said, you know, she's pretty much done with the perils of PK. That's this is the payoff for that, that it took about 10 years for this thing that was pretty much done in her author bio to actually exist. But it did exist.

She did get to make it somehow. Yes. She did make this movie. It is. Well, I'm going to get to it and I have lots of great things to say about that. I'm just going to read you this book in its entirely. I used to be very famous. In fact, I was a superstar and it wasn't too long ago either, but that's all changed now.

It's too bad. Really. I worked damn hard to get to the top and to think some idiot reach. I'm going to skip that word. Ruined my life. Now you're thinking he, of course it was he must have been a powerful idiot. You know what? I'm going to just stop reading this book.

Powerful opening. I assume sentence. I assume that was all one capital. That was one sentence. My sides are splitting. This is pretty hilarious. Two R words in the first sentence. Fucking Dostoevsky wishes.

God damn it. Now let's talk about the movie itself. 1986, the perils of PK. Now it was written by Nora, self-funded with vitamin milkshake money. And it was obviously about a once rich and famous movie star, became a sex worker. It was 27 years after starring in her last American movie and 20 years after her last bit part in a TV show. That's the, I mean, it's been a half a human lifetime since she's like had a film career. And so there's a tragedy to that.

Now I want to read. I couldn't find this movie anywhere, nor would it matter if I watched it or not. Right. We know it's bad. Here's a review by IMDb super user F Gwynn Plain McIntyre. That's real. Can we just pause and talk about how IMDb super users are like my favorite sub genre of the internet? You cannot put a pin on them, but they're all so weird.

I love it. So the perils of, this is their quote, the perils of PK is beyond awful. It's Nora Hayden's desperate attempt at a comeback. If you have to ask who Nora Hayden is, I don't blame you. Hayden was a 1950s actress with looks and talent slightly above average, but only slightly. She gave an excellent performance as the female lead in Angry Red Planet in 1960, and that was the peak of her career. He goes on like this for several hundred words. And then he says, the perils of PK is absolute garbage, totally unworthy of viewing.

It's not even enjoyable on a campy, so bad it's good level. It's just dreadful. Just to give you something interesting, I'll tell you the bizarre story of how Dick Sean died. No, the point is, and then of course he does. He gives a long story about how one of the co-stars of one of her movies died. The point is, I've never seen a film fan like F. Gwynn Plain McIntyre. They have thousands of IMDb reviews, and they left in the middle of their review of this movie just to talk about somebody's death. And so that's how bad the perils of PK is.

Was it vitamin related, like suspiciously? Probably. But speaking of, right after this movie came out, she got involved in a lawsuit where she sued her vitamin shake company because her recipe included a lecithin, lessethin, I'm not sure, I'm not a chemist, which goes rancid very quickly. And I guess there's not a ton of testing diligence when you're throwing together magic vitamin drinks designed by a hard air quotes celebrity spokesperson. So the expiration dates didn't match the timeline of when the shakes turned to swamp juice. And so people would like open up their vitamin shakes and ta-da, that's just as rancid, you know, swamp juice. And keep in mind, a lot of these were donated to prisons and mental institutions according to her own autobiography.

Wonderful. She brags about that a lot. She poisons the convicted and insane. I expect to see that in her next bio. My house is blue. I hate fucking. I poison them mentally unfit. So she included in that lawsuit was accusations that they did not promote it enough, that the vitamin shake company needed to do more marketing.

Right, because they would have sold if they had done more marketing. Right. Therefore they wouldn't have gone, yeah, I see the maniac chain of events. See the fucking lunacy ladder she's climbing. And here's something fun. The facts from that case, this is a quote from the actual lawsuit facts. Hayden is a New York resident and an attractive and compelling writer in personality and a feat of nutrition. I knew it was coming.

I read the article. I knew it was coming. This fucking lady puts that in her court documents that she's beautiful. I mean, it's pretty fantastic. Because if the court accepts it, if the court just is like, oh, I'm so fucking exhausted with this lady. Let's just, I don't want to listen to her argue it. Then it's a law. Can't dispute it.

I have no idea how that lawsuit went. I think they settled that, of course, probably for $3 million. That's just sort of how it seems to work out. $3,700. For people like Nora Hayden. And she got that $3,700 back from Isle of View. Much like everything else, 30 years later. She did not write a lot of books for about eight or nine years.

And then in 1995, she wrote Good. It brings me no pleasure to explain. Just Good? Just the word Good? Yes, just Good. That's God. And then a little extra O carat it on top. So like God with an O jammed in there to spell Good as like an afterthought.

The next part of the book title is Alive and Well and living in each one of us. Meaning Good and God are both alive and well living inside of us. And it is a full on like relapse into her like cocaine era of just like Tony Robbins nonsense. Just you got to live your best life. Focus on yourself and focus on others and try your best and also just take it easy. Feel like I'm vibrating. Is anybody else vibrating? Who wants just rub gently against the deck for several hours?

It's the only way to make love. Play a little game I like to call Fuck Chicken. Do you think you would ever incorporate this into one of your films, Jamie? This way of 1970s love making? No. I thought you cut out. I thought you cut out but it was contempt. It was just 10 seconds of straight contempt.

You couldn't hear that contempt. I could hear the contempt. Oh man. Well, I guess everyone deserves to get their feelings heard. I got told to shut the fuck up several times. Rockway, we're coming for you next. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. We weren't telling you to shut up.

We were telling her to shut up through you. It still hurts, Jamie. It still hurts. You got a birthday coming up, don't you? Make it up to you. We'll get you some vitamins and almost fuck you. Well, now we're talking. Now this is the kind of energy I was hoping we would have together.

Next up, 1999's how to satisfy a man every time and have him beg for more. She just did a gender swap of her best-selling book. I can't believe this is still going. She's 20 or some odd years later. In 1999, that was, I mean, people had at least sort of the internet at that point. I could Google like what a clitoris was and be like, okay, I got it, lady. Yeah, I think we can take it from here. So she never got a second sex tip.

I know you won't believe me, but it's the same shit. I don't know if I've ever built enough trust with anyone that they would believe that, but I promise it's just teases Wang, barely touch it or better yet, barely touch something else like the knee or a nearby chair. The endering name-dropping stories. Like this book is all about just like doing press junkets for her other books and how like she used to date fantastic, fabulous men and blah, blah, blah, blah. It's just a total has been who has trapped you at a cocktail party.

And I do want to read page 50. I found some really interesting logic and smart lady behavior. Page 50, she's trying to explain how like a lot of relationships are famously like rock solid, you know, like a lot of people got together for a long time and never got divorced. A lot of celebrity couples. So what do they have in common? What's different about them? Then she lists some of her top celebrity couples.

Bess and Harry Truman, Georgiana and Ricardo Mataban, Clark Gable, Carol Lombard. Who else we have on this list? We've got Nancy and Ronald Reagan, famously erotic lovers. Famously non-fuckers. Yes, Gloria and Jimmy Stewart. Jimmy Stewart knows how to tease a clitoris with a tip of his penis. Like let's just like fucking not play any games. What I loved about Bess and Harry Truman is she has a whole paragraph about them where

she's like Harry, a very strong person always calls Bess the boss when talking about her. And for the president of the United States to put his wife on that kind of pedestal shows the kind of respect he had for her. That's it. That's the entirety of why she included famous lover Harry Truman in this book. Harry the turtle Truman because he always sucks back in. Now, Harry Truman, listeners probably know this, famously is the only man to drop nuclear bombs on human souls. That's the secret. That's it.

That's how you stay married for a long time. No single person has ever demonstrated such a lack of love as Harry Truman. Just needlessly dropping a bomb on two cities worth of civilians. And she's kind of like complicit in the crimes of where is she going to go? That's the secret. Right. You're stuck together now. But yeah, but Nora says like more notable than that is he calls his wife the boss.

I mean, come on. He must fuck. So it was really her call. She dropped those bombs. That's true. I bet he did ask his wife's advice. I bet Bess Truman has a lot to answer for. That's what I'm saying.

Sorry to be a big downer, but the United States did drop two nuclear bombs on people. And Harry Truman was the where the buck stopped on that famous lover, Harry Truman. She also has a section in this book on Donald Trump, another great American president. And she talks about how if Marla Baples had just done more of what he asked for, then they would have like stayed together. And I'm not taking that out of context. That's almost the entirety of what she says about famous lover Donald Trump. She'd been into piss play.

It would have worked out. And it really set me up for something. I don't even know if you'd call this a joke, but like I wrote an article on this book in it. And I was sort of kind of taken aback by how perfect it was as a setup for for like we tested that. Like we live in a country where we gave that dude everything he could possibly want. And it wasn't a good idea. Like we can we have proof that it's a terrible idea to give that very specific man everything he could possibly want.

And it did not lead to him being happier. It did not lead to the world being a better place. And so it's just funny to see like her her totally subjective nonsense advice like through just a miracle of circumstances get put to the test and proven to be very wrong. But maybe he wouldn't have done all that if she'd just been into piss play. Maybe our country would heal. Maybe we would still be together. That'd be love.

There's nothing about piss playing this book. That's that's a problem. Yeah. Almost piss on her, but not quite. Get right it. Get right there. Right next to her head, but not quite. It'll drive her crazy.

She she talks a lot about oral sex in this book. Also that her her only tip on oral sex is to do it just really gently just tease the tip of it. Then like lick his leg. There's a lot of like knee touching and arm touching again. Like her sex tip again was was I don't know if I mentioned this because Nora has several times in 25 different books, but you just want to barely not have sex. So when she took that advice and applied it to like third base, like it got even further and further from eroticism to the point where you're just like rubbing up against something near your lover.

She has some kind of bone disease that genuine fear of being shattered. That's that's probably it. You know, that's not in her bio. I think she would have included that if if she had it because these are extensive bios. This bio was probably 800 words long. She also lists her pets at this point in a bios. She'll talk about like her dogs. She has a one-winged pigeon in this book that she listed.

She doesn't list her unmade pilots anymore, which is which is nice. But it really does feel like, you know, when you see someone, they're trying really hard to be a celebrity and you like come across their Wikipedia or their their MySpace page or whatever the fuck. And it's just like good reference. Yeah, thank you. Hundreds of like half accomplishments like they had a high school radio show and they were not, you know, it's just like every tiny little thing. They're a captain of their softball team when they worked it.

Yeah. Okay. So that's what Nora Hayden's books seem like. But again, she has been in 15 or 16 TV shows. She was in a real movie in America. But most of these things were uncredited. Yeah, it's just about the same. Dude, where are we sure?

Are we sure that they meant to have her in them? Was she perhaps sneaking on set? It's entirely possible. She was just dating someone on set and she's like, oh, hey. She wandered in on a really expensive scene so that they couldn't re-shoot it. Oh, sorry. Was that me while you had all the fucking magic elephants into the shot? Well, you're not going to blow up that warehouse twice, are you?

Looks like somebody's uncredited. Even worse, was it the type of thing where she requested to be uncredited because the roles were beneath her? That's not impossible. Especially at the start. I'm above this. I'm above this. Just doing it to get my start. Honestly, I think if you framed her movie career in a certain way, it's kind of fine.

You know what I mean? If she says, I was on 15 different TV shows, you'd be like, OK, that's kind of something. Right. If you embraced this and named your autobiography uncredited and we're just really humble and funny about it, you could have a resurgence, but no. 100%. Yeah, but she's a superstar. I wrote about this book on the site.

You can go read this. That's fantastic. I only have one more book left. It's from 2008, five years before her death of undisclosed causes, not related to vitamin drinks. Being fucked to death, she had to try it once and she just exploded. Yeah, RIP. 2008, she wrote, the sexually delicious marriage, intimate answers for a long, exciting, faithful

marriage, the first and only book that tells you exactly how. OK, there's got to be a second tip in this one. There is absolutely not. Her whole life? Her whole life, I'm not even going to read it. She died only knowing one way to fuck and it was not quite fucking. And it only ever included one tip. And even then, not quite all the way.

We've run through her entire career now. Jamie, give us your high level thoughts on Nora Hayden. I'm thinking that she approached her acting career and her fame in the same way that she approaches her tips on having sex. You just don't do it. You just don't quite do it. You get real close. Yes.

She's uncredited in her sexual relationships. I'm surprised hearing all of this that she wasn't like some sort of like Scientologist or anything. Yeah, no, she was a pretty ordinary Christian. Weird. Well, there's like a certain kind of Christian that is basically Scientologist. Yeah. That brings that same real crazy energy.

Yeah. Like, I know that's not against the Bible or anything, but I feel like Jesus would frown on this kind of energy. Like, he would just be like, and don't fucking act like that. Don't get all keyed up like that. Just calm down. Yeah. Right.

Jesus was real quick about stuff in and out in 33 years. I mean, come on. Jesus knew how to fuck. Yeah, he banged it out. He respected your schedule. He's like, I know you got to get back to work, baby. I'll keep this under 20 minutes. I'm not saying he did.

I'm just saying he would have shattered her into a million pieces with his dick. Yeah. Just blasted out the back of her with Jesus' force. He didn't, but he would have. To be clear, her cause of death was not fucked to death by Jesus, I think. I can't rule it out. 1-9-100, Frankfurt. 1-9-100, Frankfurt.

Our podcast is coming up. And with Maximilian, ciao. Do you want a Frankfurt podcast? Correct. Correct. Yeah. The power is not trapped. It's not without.

Send it to the doggy. 4 hours. Come on, John. You can do it. 1-9-100. 1-9-100, Frankfurt. 1-9-100, Frankfurt. 1-9-100, Frankfurt.

1-9-100, Frankfurt. 1-9-100, Frankfurt. 1-9-100, Frankfurt. Yeah. 9000. Thank you. Thank you. No, you're beautiful.

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