The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - Dogg Zzone 9000 - Episode 53, How to Pick Up Girls at a Convention, with Teresa Lee!

Episode Date: December 15, 2021

Seanbaby and Brockway have learned the secret to pulling nerd women -- just invite them on your comedy podcast. And they can prove it works: comedian Teresa Lee is our guest this week! We're discussing another vile artifact from Seanbaby's cursed library, How to Pick Up Girls at a Convention. You'll learn the value of abs, how to wipe, and why all girls are slimes -- poisonous information that will ruin your brain! Just click play!

One Nine Hundred One Nine Hundred One Nine Hundred H-O-T-D-O-G Nights that night trade power in the night it's not the size of the doll

but how hard you can bite it It takes 5 or maybe not when you're in the dark zone you gotta give it everything you have One Nine Hundred Hot Dog Home Oh yeah!

Knights Welcome to the Dog Zone 9000, the weekly podcast for 1,900 hot dog, the Daily Hilarity Web site on the internet, Sean Baby and my co-host is Robert, Operated Buddy Brockway. Here is a relevant Brockway fact. My very first convention ever was San Diego Comic Con where I spoke on a panel before maybe a thousand people and what I said there has made me powerful enemies that endure to this very day. No follow-up questions.

God damn it! Well our guest today is comedian, actress and film producer, Theresa Lee! Hello! I have never been to Comic Con but I was the RA of an anime themed floor at NYU which I think they gave it because I was the Asian RA, not because I liked anime which I have no problem with, I just assumed they were like, hey we got great news, you'll love this floor and I was like, oh yes, we got great anime! The whole year long?

Oh yeah, they were a great floor, they were super like, they were already friends, a lot of people were in like a Genshiken club together and the Comic Con tie back is that I got them all tickets to go to the New York one which I think was cool but I'm not necessarily, I mean now I like it because of Crackton and all that but wow, wasn't I cool to take my residence to Comic Con? See we brought you on because we assumed you would hate anime, this is a misstep. As long as I'm being drawn hotter than I am in real life then I like it, it's fine. Did you guys ever like draw yourselves when you're kids, is that a girl, is that a, well

that's not gender, is that a dumb little bitch thing, what's the best way to say it? A non-gender dumb little bitch thing? I think that's a normal thing, I actually have a degree in art and so I do myself several times. So you were good at it, so that, you know. I don't know about that, but I did it. I made a little comic of myself in my teen years, sure, yeah, we're all vain here. Well my question then is do you draw, when you were drawing yourself as a kid, were

you like enhancing, you know, like pre-photoshop or were you like, this is how I think I work. So you'd be like, let me give myself a different, okay, I would give myself like huge knockers and I was like 11 or whatever and like, oh giant package for sure, like yeah, three legs all the time. That's all the Sailor Moon, they're all like teenage girls with huge boobs. I told everybody it was for stability, it wasn't for stability. Oh, like a tripod, like so you can lean on it, okay. I was the name of the comic.

I'm interested in reading some of these, did your parents keep these? Me? Did mine? Yeah. I did not show them. Did either of your parents keep your weirdly erotic childhood comics? Still framed above the mantle. I mean, I don't think they were erotic consciously, like I think I was soaking up, you know, what

the world was like, because none of, like these were like, you know, superhero, pretty girls fighting crime in space. They weren't, I mean, this is not off Sailor Moon, but they weren't like fucking or anything. But they probably were erotic. Sailor Moon is pretty erotic though. I mean, I guess they were erotic and that they were very sexualized, but I was like, that's how they're supposed to look when they fight, you know? Right.

That makes sense. That's how you fight on the moon. Yeah. I don't know if my mom still has it. They're probably in storage boxes somewhere. I mean, again, I have to emphasize they're not good at it. They're low gravity. Yeah.

They're very, they're very not good. And so I don't want to, I am not a professional artist far from it. Now you grew up with a twin sister. Did she draw these comics with you? Yeah. She is still around. So we, I grew up with her sounds like. You have not defeated her in battle yet.

You grew up with her and then she disappeared. You banished a twin sister to the ocean. Yeah. But before that. Yeah. We did it. Actually, we had, I don't even know this. Why are we talking about that?

We did draw. Actually, she was a very good artist and friends of hers at school would ask her to draw stuff and I would get jealous. And then I just didn't have that like structure. I was an abstract artist. Like I would start drawing things and then get like frustrated and then really scribble. But she was really good at like being patient and taking time. I remember she drew an alien.

This was when those like t-shirts were really popular. You know, those, not the big dog ones, the, those alien. Yeah. The little, the alien guys. I remember those. Yeah. Yeah. There's way out far out.

I forget what they're called, but the skate shirts. So she drew one and this like a cute skater boy, I grew up in California if you can't tell, got really excited and was like raving about it. And I had a crush on him. So I was jealous, but yeah, I don't know. You learned to make fun of her for it and that's how you became a comedian. I do have a, I have a comedian question for you. Okay.

As an Asian standup comic, how do you feel about doing impressions of Asian parents? And just for the record, that is how I love to be addressed. Please call me an Asian, female standup comedian every time you're interested in me. Absolutely. No, I'm just kidding. Oh my God. As a professional Asian comedian, I don't do impressions. I mean, I don't know if I would do them if I was good at it, like, you know, I would

love to say it's out of nobility, but I never really felt compelled to do them. They're not particularly funny to me. So I think that's to me why I never got into it, but then I'm not also good at it. So there's really no reason for me to do them. Right. I just wanted your take on it. I feel like the time is up on those and I just wanted to check with someone with more, you know, rhetorical authority.

Yeah. I think it's intention matter. I mean, because I've seen people do impressions of their parents that's not making fun of them. They're like acting, if that makes sense. I mean, that's a fine line because I think you have to take into account how the audience feels. But sometimes you see, you know, comedians, I think Ronnie Chang did something like,

well, they're almost reenacting something and it's like, okay, they're trying to play different characters, which it might be notably missing to make them sound British, you know? So it's like, I guess it's okay, but then again, I think some people in the audience laugh too hard at the accent and that, to me, is like, hmm, you know, hmm, emoji. Yeah. Suspicious. Yeah. Suspicious.

Well, the audience already knows from the theme song that this is a very sexy, very adult episode. So listeners, take off your pants and panties. We're talking about a book. I did an article on for the site. It's a terrible book from a forgotten age of ass predators. It's called how to pick up girls at a con and it contains no surprises. It's exactly as vile as you expect.

How long ago was it published? This year. It came out in 2021. Oh. Dang it. I was hoping that we could hold off on that so that we could reveal it after you have heard this. It was going to be a reveal.

Oh, gosh. Yes. It sounds like it's from the dark ages when women were hunted for Poon Tang, but it was published this year. They're still doing this. People are still doing this. We were embarrassed of it in 2003 and people are like, no, we still got to put these out. It's like at this point, if you don't know how to do it, that's on you.

You know what I mean? I'm not saying that. True. I'm encouraging the practice of going to anything to pick up girls, but people are still making money publishing these? Should I get into this? I don't think this was a successful book. I think it gave me three Google matches.

Even then Google was like arguing with me. It's like, I didn't find anything and it shows the title of the book. It's probably not this. I mean, I'm going to assume you're not looking for this. This is what the word you looked for, but... But I don't want to start a fight here, but... Teresa, I'm going to change up my questioning. As a hot girl comedian, you've probably been approached by horny strangers a lot.

How was your attitude about this type of thing? Well, it's funny because when you said this book, I don't even know if it's a joke answer because it's actually a real answer, but I'm like, I guess it could be a joke. Does it just say, respect them? Because that would work. But that ties into my answer for the question, which is, I don't like to shame anyone for being horny or a perv or having thoughts, whatever. That's just what it's like to be a person in the world.

I do think at some general level of respect and boundaries is a good, healthy thing to have. So I don't think inherently being horny is a problem. I'm horny constantly, but I wouldn't go up to my friends or strangers and bring it up out of the blue. So I think that applies to strangers in comedy as well. Excuse me, ma'am. I'm very horny in your direction.

Are you horny in my direction? I mean, if you're a doctor, you're only acceptable. I think there's context, but I tend to be more open with things like that because I grew up really repressed. So I think I talk about sex in a way that I try to destigmatize it and make it not shameful. But I do think on the other side of that being, like you said, a woman on stage. People will prescribe their own judgments. So I can't really control that.

I think this is a very political answer and all that is to say, I don't know, just don't be a weirdo. Oh, that's too bad because that's all of the advice in this book. Also, I get uncomfortable when people just say, hello, how are you? So it's really hard for me to parse out what level of comfort is your fault and what level of comfort is my fault. You know what I mean? If someone's like, hey, I like your hair, be like, ah, don't talk to me.

If someone's like, hey, I'm horny, I probably would have the same reaction. Have you had any like super rapid romances? Like if you ever picked up a guy in a club and yes, I wasn't really quite good at that in my alcoholic New York years. Okay. Well, my sad girl years. I don't know. I mean, I don't say I'll be jokie about it.

I did actually was sober for like 15 months, but then I found out I still cried sober at bars. I had to handle my issues in other ways, which now I'm in a good place. But when I didn't know that, I drank a lot and went to clubs and you know, it's, it can be fun. I understand why men or boys, I don't know, like the chase of the pickup because it feels like a video game, but you know, you got to grow out of it like this book. Yeah.

Because it's this idea that it's like you're, if you do all the right moves, you'll get a thing you want, but I think they don't go as far and to realize that like the thing you want should also be the thing like in Zelda, right? You're supposed to save the princess, but she also wants to be saved. Like you're not supposed to be like, I don't know, let me go save Bowser. It's like wrong game. So I don't know. That is no big interesting take on it.

Yeah. I think you might be the only person that could explain love to these nerds. Wow. I mean, I used to brag about, you know, we used to count numbers that back in my, my, my early days of, uh, of youth, uh, but you know, I don't think that I would condone that behavior. On, on the other hand, I don't think, I think it's a phase a lot of people go through. So if these are like teenagers and you know, it's like a two month phase, whatever.

Sure. But I don't know. Well, I, um, I have a lot of books like this in my library and I, I store them in two categories and the, the first one I call the low level ones and they're the kind I make fun on, on the side a lot. Like 70s style pickup lines and like desperate hypnosis tactics. So, uh, like they'll tell you things, like hold your hands in your pocket. So your fingers point at your dick to like,

There's no way that works. Yeah. I don't think, I don't think it worked. No. You know what it is? I think it's an improv game. I think it's like an improv when they're like seeing all your lines so that you aren't thinking about the lines.

It's like focus on your fingers. So you're not thinking of being a shithead. Like, and then you just act like a normal. You're giving them way too much credit. Like there's a lot of guys out there and then you're just acting normal. I guarantee that the guy pointing at his dick the whole time is still being a shithead. Oh my God. Maybe they're just in their head.

I don't know. Get it? They think that there's magic tricks. Like, um, they give advice, um, to do things like ask every woman you made if you can suck her feet and eventually one almost say yes. Yeah. It's the 70s word. That was real advice.

That's, that's real shit. So it's kind of like, um, I keep saying like, it's, uh, nonsense sold to in sales. Uh, sometimes the authors don't even know they're lying. They're fantasizing about a world where, where there's just some magic secret that will keep them from being alone. But there is. It's just respect. I don't know how many times people have to hear it.

It's something aside. It's got to be something aside from that, though. Oh my God. It's because it's too hard because they don't respect themselves. Sorry, but it's true. Yeah, I think you're onto something. Um, the other category of book, uh, is high functioning practical human hunting. Like these are, uh, technically, like, these are when you, like the PUA's like

the pickup artistry, they have techniques and tactics that are crowdsourced by thousands of shameless students of the female condition. So for instance, uh, they don't run up and say, put your foot in my mouth. They'll, they'll teach you sort of a little one man play to engage a girl in an interactive story. For example, you'd, uh, you'd run up to her and say, Oh, my, the cops just arrested my blind date and you learn little techniques. I guess sort of like a screenwriter to sort of hide the exposition and

intrigue in your little well-rehearsed bits. And they, these people, they, they all do them, thousands of them. And then they get back to each other like, Hey, this sort of worked. I had like several women really engaged thinking I was super cool and industry interesting. And it's, um, it's very much until I wasn't until I was it. I mean, I have spent time on sociopathic. I spent on a red pill in human hunting before, for, for a cracked article.

So I'm kind of familiar with the like, uh, psychology behind it. But it is wild when you said that I never realized how, uh, hypocritical it is in the sense that they're like, all girls are the same. All women are the same. And then they're like teaching each other to be clones of each other. It's like, wait a minute. Hello. Do you see what you're doing?

And, uh, yeah, I guess it's sort of like, uh, teaching, learning five sentences in a foreign language where you seem really competent in a very specific circumstance, and then you're just suddenly useless, just some dumb asshole. Um, it's like sending an astronaut onto a meteor to drill a rock. You can't do that. You have to send a driller to the astronaut school. And we went over this in the nineties. Um, so those are exactly what romance is like.

Yeah, you gotta drill her. Those are the two types of books. Just drill her, that's romantic. Oh, yeah. Tied it all together. Thank you. Um, I brought up those two categories of books because this is very specifically not either of them.

Okay. I think what happened with this book is it was written by a team of authors that are called the night kids with a dollar sign. And I think these guys, they just got laid a few times. Yes. They're, they're, they're cautious boys. Uh, I think they just got laid a few times and thought, Hey, we get it. We get how to pick up women, but never check to see if they were just cute

anime boys. Cause they, they are like their Instagram is linked in the book and they're just kind of cute anime boys. One of them is like fully married to some cosplay girl. I don't know if she knows he wrote this book, but, um, Well, is he still married? She doesn't know that. I haven't checked.

Is there any chance of a joke or is it completely not possible? I don't think so. I think there's maybe a 1% chance. There's a lot of whimsy in it. There's a lot of jokes in it. A lot of like anime references that I don't comprehend, but, uh, the, the theme behind it is we're going to teach you how to go get these ladies. That's wild.

Uh, and sometimes it's, it doesn't go all the way to respect. Sometimes it says, Hey, don't be a creep, but those are like few and far between for the most part. It's just like, here's how you do it. I'm going to go ahead and venture a guess that that is bookended between like 20 ways to be a creep. Oh, I know. I want to hear some examples.

Um, but I will say my boyfriend is loves to like, before we met, he tells me that he, he wasn't like a pickup artist, but he likes pickup lines, but he, cause he likes to write, um, uh, for fun, like kind of like not rap lines, but you know, like bars kind of. So he loves to spit lines just for the exercise of being like, Hey, like get a smile, which is sort of like comedy, but up close. It's like up close magic, but up close comedy, but, um, but he would always, I would laugh at him cause whenever he would tell me lines, I'm like,

did that ever work? So he's like, no, the point is that I got to say it to a pretty girl. I'm like, okay, well that's cute. Like a hundred percent of the time would strike out, but he, it wasn't there to pick them up. He was there to try a line. He wrote, which I think it's cute. That being said, I used to get paid to write Tinder lines for people and

they would work cause you get paid after they get dates. So I'm like, hmm, in some ways I am a pickup artist. Well, what, what, no, stop. In some ways I am the pickup artist. Okay. Wow. This is a thing. You, you, there's their like factories.

You get paid if they get dates. Yeah. They have that. These were like apps that I don't think any of them are still around the wrong thing. No, there was one that was like called Natter. I think it's not around anymore. That one like recruited a bunch of comedians and then for some, it wasn't that big. So somehow I became one of the like top writers because they would cause I was

doing like improv and stand up and had a lot of spare time because I had just moved. And you can just like go in the app and people would post like, you know, a picture, be like, what should I say? Or like, you know, oh, she said this help and then you can go on and help. And then they would pick their favorite. And if they got a response and they would let you know, and then you get like bonuses. But I mean, I don't think it stuck around very long, but somehow I did very well on it and got a lot of people dates.

And I think it's funny that half of that my like, it sounds like a dystopian Seth Rogen comedy. Yeah. Cause it's like, you know, the fact that you're talking like, they are so comfortable talking to like a whole world of strangers, but they can't just talk to this one stranger. It's like, you know, you just, why don't you just take the attitude you have talking to all these girls helping you and just like treat this other girl like one of those humans who you want to know how they feel.

You know, like you just want to, and then you and that guy fall in love. No, never. You were right in the dream. You were right in front of him the whole time. No. Me and the girl. It would be me and the girl.

Like I would be like, I could do better. I'm actually your voice. But you know, I like that these were transitional to get like, cause I feel like, it used to be, they were just like, Hey, here's a cow. You got to bury me. So I'm not totally against the transitional phase. I just don't think we need to stop there. You know what I mean?

Like I'm glad we passed through that station. Right. So your big thing is respect. Uh, Robert, what is, uh, what is your short term advice? I'm completely fucking thrown by the existence of this entire thing. Like I'm, You've never heard of that. Walls are falling down around me.

There's like bigger ones. I couldn't even conceive of it. I couldn't even write speeches for weddings. Like I feel like comedians get sourced to do like all this dirty work. But I'm like, man, if you just spoke from the heart, This is amazing. You would be fine. Like don't think.

I'm pressing on the walls to see if they fall down. See if I'm in the Truman show somehow. I'm sorry. That's a good question. What are we doing? What is this podcast? I want to hear some of these lines. All right.

So let's start with the introduction here. Are you tired of being surrounded by beautiful cost players that know how to approach? What? It's tough enough landing your wife on a visual novel. So picking up a 3d girl can feel virtually impossible. If you're fed up with playing solo, then look no further. Follow our seven easy steps and we'll get a co-op game going for you in no time.

Oh God, I'm not going to make it through this podcast. That's the worst. It's like a almost like, I was going to say communist, but that's not the right word. But there is a weird dystopian like element to this. Like we're all, it's like, like the comments, like who actually comments on Pornhub, you know, but this feels like the people who do. It's like, we're all in this together. It's like, what?

How about no? We're doing that in real life. Yeah. What? Why? You don't have to. It's like, yeah, you don't have to do that. Don't just be a normal person.

Yeah. These guys are 100% right. Respectful comments on porn star Instagram. I really like the way she smiled. Beautiful teeth. Right. Non-sexually charged comments. So much worse.

That lighting makes your nipples look quite smooth. Those dimples. That's okay. Cool. Okay, pal. Before we start picking up waifus. I really hate that, by the way. Is it going to do that every time?

I need to know. What? Is your spine going to cringe? Yeah. Is he going to, are we just going to call them waifus the whole time? Almost certainly. Yes. Is it like wife with an Asian accent?

Is that what I'm hearing? Wife with an Asian accent? Yes. They call them. Oh, like an anime. Wife in Japanese. Yeah. Oh gosh.

Are any of these guys Asian? I don't know. I actually don't know. Asian or, yeah, I went on their Instagram when I wrote the article and I think they're Asian. Wife who is not an Asian thing. Wife who is a weeb thing. Oh, okay. Okay.

Man, things have changed since I was a child. Right. And the 3D novels thing that he mentioned is like, those are games where you sort of do a choose your own adventure to get laid with a fake girl. And I think that type of relationship you call a waifu. It's like a girl in a video game who you have like sort of a, haha, I'm just kidding, but not really relationship with. What?

Oh, no, I've had that in real life. I've had a three year long, haha, we're just kidding. We're not in a relationship with real men. Oh, in real life? No, that's not, that doesn't count. No, it counts because it's worse. No, not in real life. It's worse.

There's a brain over there choosing to say, haha, just kidding. It's almost worse. So we're going to get started. Moving on. Okay. We're just trying to rescue us from this. Okay, fine. We don't want to talk about that.

We can talk about your fake husband if you'd like. No, no, no, move on. This is one of those podcasts where we're going to have to bump the subject of the podcast. Yeah. Turn in for the bonus podcast when we talk about the book. I blame you guys for scheduling a time when most of my ADHD meds haven't worn off for the day. This would not be the first time that has actually happened. Don't worry about it.

Okay, cool. I'm always in a lot of cocaine when we do these things. And that's why I'm insufferable. So the first tip they give is hygiene. ConBO is a real thing and will easily scare off any potential love interests. So we've identified the different types of perpetrators for your convenience. Don't be one of them. Stay well-grouped.

The first one is called no deodorant. Dio? Dio? That's some sort of an anime character, I think. The most commonly found offender in the convention seat. They know deodorant exists. They just choose not to use it. That's the whole thing.

That's the entirety of that is just reminding the reader that deodorant exists. And this is what I mean. This is the kind of fate they have in their audience. You see it like handsome little boys who've been late a couple of times who think, I get it. I get how I got these girls. And they sat down and write a book and they just like, Jesus Christ, I don't know. Have they tried deodorant? The next one, itchy but itachi.

And there's a little drawing of a guy fingering his butt. What? And the text of this in its entirety is they smell like shit, wipe thoroughly, please. What the heck? Wait, so how are you, is that coming up in these first meetings? I hope not. How often is someone like sticking their finger in their butthole at a convention and be like, ah, shit. I smell like poop.

I'm not saying that's not good advice. It's good hygiene to wipe well, but like, how is that number two on how to pick up a girl? I think that's just like how to live healthy and not get an infection. Yeah, we should have skipped ahead a little. I think this demonstrates real contempt of their audience. Yeah, this is just outright contempt for you, the person who has bought this book. Oh my God, that's so funny. Yeah, I think they have a bigger problem.

Part of being a dumb shit is that you have to picture an audience dumber than you in order for you to teach them things. And so already their reader is just walking around with like shit on their ass. Haven't showered in days trying to pick up girls. Also, they don't brush their teeth. The next one is about bad breath. And then the next one is called Roy Mustang, who has all three of those things. And that's it. Now, the next page has the only instance of not being a creep in the entire book, I think.

And it says, don't be a creep. Oh, nice. So they're really hoping that they can just get it out of the way up front. They're like, okay, don't be a creep. And then we're going to tell you a hundred ways to creep. And it should say, if you're reading this book, it's too late. Right. Absolutely.

Yeah, you fucked up already. Like, I have a lot of ironic books in my home, but if someone found this one, like that it'd be really embarrassing. That'd be the one I'm like, I wrote jokes about bad books. Oh, nobody would ever believe that. They'd never believe it. Oh, my God. The cover of this book, by the way, is like an anime girl with just massive knockers.

Like it looks like a nine year old with H cups. And it's just really. That's all anime does. Yes. I have a book like that called Always Say Maybe. That's like from the fifties I got for a show. And it's like, like the opposite of that, but it's like how to, it's exactly what it sounds like.

It's terrible. It's a very date rape culture from the fifties. Like how to get him to think he convinced you. And one of the, I'll send it to you later if you want it, but it's straight up like, one of them is like, when you get back to his place, move around a lot. Don't stand still long enough for him to corner you. And you're like, what the fuck? Like, what is this real advice?

Jaguar rules. It's just like you want to hang out and let him, but it's like, don't leave too quick, you know, get him excited, but like move around, dart around, touch the curtains. It's like, what the heck? It sounds useful. Yeah. Gosh. I think that.

When they're slowing down for a corner, dive out of the car. I guess I bring that up and say, perhaps this toxic thing has escalated to masculinity, but you know, the women have also not been, you know, guilt free throughout the years. Also eyes up is another tip. She knows when you're scanning her power level. I don't know. I don't like that. Do that.

The next tip is wingman. So now they're getting into actual practical, like pickup artist stuff. Wait, did they tell you how to not be a creep? That's just don't look at the boots. That's it. Or does it have like real tips? Overly friendly or touchy. Nobody likes that.

That's it. That's all how to not be a creep. Don't be too friendly or touchy. Touchy is good. I'm glad they included that, but yes. But don't be too friendly is clumsy advice. Yeah, because they want you to nag them or what? They don't actually have any nagging in here, which listeners of course probably know this,

but it's that's when you go up and say something mean to a girl like, hey, you'd be pretty if you smiled. And then she tries to get your approval like you're an abusive father. And it's like every conversation with my mother. You'd be pretty if you did a better job spray painting that cardboard. Did you not wipe your butt? It smells like someone didn't wipe their butt in here. Is it you? Wow.

Yeah. What a wild, what a wild time we're living in. Yeah, I don't think this penetrated the culture. Luckily, I think this is just three kids who thought, oh, we got this. Yeah. And I don't think anyone got penetrated from reading this either. Hey, yo. Hey, yo.

I really like as you talked about the penetration. Oh, you got a glick. You got a glick. I was. And we have to explain every time. Martin Short does a character called Jiminy Glick. He's in a fat suit. And anyway, I love it.

It's one of my favorites and no one remembers it. So here's the next one. Page nine. We're now up to aesthetics and appearance. Now what you want to do is you want to hit that hyperbolic time chamber to be the best you exercising regularly will improve your confidence and mood. So incorporate this into your daily life. So if you're hoping to use this book to pick up girls with like tactics, no, no, no. You got to like get some abs.

Come back when you're fit. Your abs is a tactic on it. Abs is a good tactic. Yeah. You know, what's funny to me is that this does just feel like a pamphlet at a clinic about how to like get healthy. And like, what if this is written by doctors trying to like penetrate the youth of like, oh, how can we get them? Tell them. Not that kind of penetrate.

But you know, like, oh, let's tell them they can get girls and it's like, brush your teeth and get vaccinated. It's like, call your mothers. Yeah. This is totally like a, like, like a pamphlet you'd find at the YMCA in the 70s. You just have to replace all of the anime references with like disco or something. They like totally something at the end of the boys bunk. I want to write choose your adventure book about teaching these, these anime boys how to respect women. Like every time they choose the wrong thing, then it's like, you die.

You die. And then the only way to win is to, you have to always choose. I think it could, this is ludicrous. I mean, I'm patting it right here. Let's review. We've got hygiene, wear deodorant and wipe your butt. Don't stare at her tits. Bring a friend and already be in good shape.

So what do you think the next tip on picking up hot ladies is? What do you think is as important as these other things? Is it, I mean, I'm just going off of this. It's not what I think. Isolate the week. Is it be tall? Those are both great guesses. It is anime knowledge.

That's like, that's step two. Step one is get abs. Step two, no anime. Learn about cartoons. I guess you could watch them on the treadmill or whatever. You want to brush up on different genres of anime. It pays to have a variety of shows under your belt. That's in bold.

You don't want to go into just some Sailor Moon bullshit. You got to know that one of, that Brockway loves where the turtles eat each other's assholes. What? So where's Ann Mai? Right. Whatever it's called. Honestly, Sailor Moon, if someone studies Sailor Moon to like tea, that would actually teach you a lot. Because Sailor Moon does therapy.

Like then Sailor Moon Crystal, she's like work, is wild. They'll have scenes where she's like, I felt jealous. But then I remembered, I have no control over what he does. And then I realized at the end of the day, all the feelings I have are within my own control. I'm like, damn, we should have more boys watching this. That's true. Teresa, do you think my gem in the holograms knowledge would help me pick up babes? You know, I'm not anime deep enough to know.

I just know she has pink hair. I would say it'd be kind of too obvious if you weren't actually into it. If you were super into like something super that they weren't into, it's almost a flex to be passionate about that. And then the girl's like, oh, wow, she, he's not even trying to change for me. And then she's like, you're a project. And then she gets into like, gun down for you. And then you're like, that I got her.

That like, this is like how true, not to call these guys betas, but like, if you want, look, when I was out there in my prime, this is what you got to do. Okay. I picked up girls. You got, you don't neg them. You just true to yourself, but just enough where they're like, why aren't you changing for me? That's how you get hot girls. Then they want to be like you.

They're like, I want you to want me. And then they like all this stuff you like. And that's when you're like, they made a song about that. What is it called? That's true. It's a great song. I believe it's called. I want you to want me. Oh, oh, oh, yes.

I guess I'm good on that. I actually, here's my pickup game back in the day. I'm married now, but back in the day, I would like dance close to women until like I knew our chemistry was clicking and then we would make out. That was generally, uh, I once asked a girl in a bar to trade shirts with me and she did. And I was like, okay, this is, and so my friends would be like, well, how did you do that?

And I'm like, what do you mean? I fucking, she seemed like she wanted to take your shirt off. So I asked her to trade shirts. So that's, that's like my kind of game. But see that. In an area. That worked because you were listening. You were actually.

That's true. I picked up on that. You were listening and actually adjusting your strategy for the girl, which is different than go up to girls and say, can we trade shirts? Right? It's like, I wouldn't go. It was the only girl I ever done that to. Yeah.

You picked up on an energy that she was into you like, and you knew what to do because you were vibing. I think the secret is to vibe and not just blatantly throw shit at the wall or I guess you're, you know, clean butt at the wall or whatever. Right. I also have a clean butt. I express my inoculants before I go to the club. You do it on the side of the club so they know it's yours.

Yeah. I know too. For the record, I don't condone nagging. I'm just saying like when you're fully yourself, it's like the confidence we'll get insecure hot girls because it sounds like automatic nagging. What these guys want is insecure hot girls because truly none of them are going to get secure hot girls like this. But if you want, I'm not going to like encourage it, but you know, it's a phase.

Look, insecure hot girls need a phase. And if you want to be their face, people fuck. Yeah. If you want to be their face while they, you know, move along their life. How to be a phase. To figure out their trauma and move on and have healthy boundaries. You can be that. But to do that, you have to like like yourself and like them, but not like go to them.

It's just like like yourself. Right. And then they'll like you because they want to like themselves. Yeah. I feel like. But again, that's really hard. Yeah. But feel like the honest advice for a book like this would be be a fantastic and interesting

person who like picks up on signals and there's a good communicator and, you know, expresses themself. Well, I feel like. You don't have to be fantastic from like. Interesting. You can just, I think I've dated plenty of boring, stupid people that trick me because they just love themselves and didn't pay attention to me. Oh.

Okay. Okay. I'm sorry. That was my pickup method. Do you want to name any names? I guess we could like really throw some shade. I don't know. Just look up a comedy line.

If you're listening. New York City. I just, yeah. You'll find them all. No. Go through your appearances and find some names. Like I know who she's talking about. Your comedians date amongst themselves a lot.

We need validation where we have low self-esteem. That's true. And the first people who laugh. I mean, this is like for your early years, hopefully most comedians move on to actually, you know, putting that effort into writing for money. But early on, you know, you're not supposed to get jobs right away in first three years. I would say years one to three, the most, like most, what do you call it? Hookup culture.

Because you're like trying to get validation and the people who laugh the most at you are your peers and some of them are hot. And there's usually alcohol. So, you know, that's how it goes. Yeah. Well, now that we have all the advice, that's it, by the way, once you stay well groomed, you find a reliable wingman, you exercise regularly, and you obtain anime knowledge. That's the first chapter of the book.

Oh, my gosh. I didn't leave anything out. Now, now that you've passed the tutorial, let's go over basic necessities you'll need for your new game. Think potions, ether, gill, materia, some decent armor slash weapons, and finally a chocobo. What? No. The chickens from Final Fantasy that you can ride. I feel like a crumpled soda can.

Yeah. This is the worst. This is the worst book. I actually really like a lot of this nerd shit he's talking about. I've played seven or eight. Yeah, I get all these references and I hate them. They're terrible. It's just not the right context.

Anything nerdy is not nerdy anymore. It's just that, yeah, it's lacking the, it's lacking the tact of... Right. Again, this was made like last year. Yeah. It's especially amazing. Do you still think you're precious for knowing nerd things? Yeah.

Isn't that cute? Oh my God. Final Fantasy VII, what an obscure reference. Like between this... It's like one of the fucking top selling video games. Between this and a book that was like use, you know, your knowledge of football to pick up women, like which, like I do think in 2021 the football one would be more hated on the internet, you know?

And that's like the traditional in the like fifties, like the jock, you know, making fun of the nerd. And now it's like, if you actually went out there and be like, pick up women by showing that you know about sports and muscles, I think the internet would roast you harder than the nerd stuff. For sure. It is definitely turned. And I would argue it's for the worst because I've been on both sides of that.

I was a huge nerd when it was not cool to be a nerd and I suffered those abuses, but I feel like society was in a better place. Yes, no way. Like we need to beat up nerds again. Oh gosh. I think, you know, I don't agree with that, but... It's probably a hotter take than I meant it to be. Maybe we all start loving ourselves.

Hey, how about that? Well, we'll work on that, but in the meantime, we'll beat up nerd. You're both a little bit right. The next thing we need is a mindset. Having the right mindset is the most crucial thing when starting out. Think of it as armor. You want to toss away that bronze bangle and a mistyle. Cocaine is what they're talking about.

Yeah, I think cocaine. You want to have the cocaine to get the strip of your car. To get the mindset. Yeah. No. Rejection and disappointment can quickly end your game before it even begins, but with the right frame of mind, nothing will faze you. Adopt an abundance mindset and carry yourself as someone of high value.

Now, this is the exact opposite of what I was suggesting earlier, where you just kind of go near women and see if you're vibing. This is very much the... You probably heard this, it's a numbers game where you just ask out every woman you're interested in and eventually you'll catch her on a horny day and she'll say yes. Oh my gosh. And hope that they don't talk to each other. Hope that none of the women...

Yeah, women hate to talk, clearly. You have one woman in here talking the most out of anyone. You're a great guest. We hate talking. Makes for good podcasts. It's true. But yeah, I feel like, especially in a nightclub, sometimes clubs are so crowded you can maybe be with it, but if you're a dude and you've asked a girl to dance or to talk and she doesn't

like you, everyone saw that. And if you do that to another girl, that's your reputation now. You have to fucking leave the club. That's kind of what I do when I'm bored at the club and there's no conversation with my friends. I like to find dudes doing that and that fascinates me. I'll watch a dude like that all night. Can I offer my perspective on that?

Because I've had this conversation with my boyfriend and I think it's so funny. We are not paying attention to that at all. I'm not going to speak for every woman, but at least the woman that I've hung out with throughout college, in groups of girls, there's this girl group mindset that happens. We're not all like this individually, but when you go out in a big group of girls, we're not looking at that. But when I've gone out with my boyfriend and his friends, they will say that number thing like, oh, back in the singles days, it's all about numbers.

And I'm like, that's wrong. No offense. But if you want to, for sure, it's like gambling, right? You think you have a better chance if you keep going, but actually you just need to take some time and find the one hottest, most bored girl at the party and make her feel like she's the one hottest bored girl at the party. And she is. Cause it's the truth, right?

You're like literally looking for the truth. You go to her. It is easy because everybody else is like, oh, I'm going to go to her last or I'm going to go to everyone else. Oh, she probably thinks she's hot. So I'm not going to talk to her because I'm going to strike out. That's you hating yourself. But you go up to her.

You're going to strike out in any ways. If you're going to talk to 60 girls, go to her first. Boom. Most likely she'll talk to you cause she's fucking bored. And then we're actually helping people. I know. Bring a puppet. Bring a dummy.

I give this tip to my boyfriend. And I'm like, like, I wish that I was coaching you before you met me because like I picked him up. You look gotten so laid. Yeah, totally. I'm like, man, you guys were doing it all wrong. Like you don't go to every girl and go, she's okay. She's okay.

She's okay. Like you go to the one person that's the hottest boy. Don't go up to someone in a relationship. Go up to someone who's bored and hot. She wants to be anywhere else, but she can't be clearly. She has a reason. Right. She's like, good.

I mean that. Yeah. I do think that this book talks about that, like try to find a girl when she's like weak and alone. Not weak, but also, of course, confident. She's with her friends, supporting them. She's probably out with her friends because she's like, there's nothing here for me. I'm bored, but I'm here for like Jen because she's going through a breakup.

She'll be happy that you're talking to her. As long as you're not like, you have to go home with me, but then you can see if you vibe. If you don't vibe, you can be like moving on. She's not going to like. Targeting the strong. Isolate the strong and attack. Yeah, it's not.

Yeah. The strong wants to. Find the strong. It's a very Klingon approach. You're showing that you're strong and she's strong and she's like, oh, an equal match. And then she's like, you want to race? It's like going up to the fastest runner. I'm being like, want to race?

You might lose, but the fact that you asked her like, heck yeah, I love running. You're like, me too. And then you run and then you lose. And you're like, good game. Then you move on and they're not mad at you because they're like, yeah, I was fast. I mean, I have gotten laid out of a few foot races. Is it, do we get follow up questions on that one? Sure.

Sure. Yeah, it's okay. It's okay. I want, I like, I like that was pretty good. I feel like that one was. Yeah, that's a complete story. And how did you meet your boyfriend, Theresa? The algorithm.

Pickup situation. Yeah. It was on an app, but I was swear to God at the beginning of the singularity. Like it was, there's too many things to explain, but it was like, I think I'm becoming a bot. And I, and I use a dating app, but I've never had any luck on dating apps. It was like a month before the pandemic. And he's read my crack. Like it was like random, all these coincidence that came out throughout the relationship.

But I will say I definitely hit on him and I have always been the person to like pick up people because. Wouldn't it have been amazing if on his profile, he had one of the pickup lines you wrote. That would be funny. No, I don't even remember what he said. That's how the Seth Rogen comedy would go. I literally have told him, I'm like, no, I mean, like, not that he's not funny, but I'm like, I don't try to like laugh at people on online dating apps because I'm the comedian.

And I also try not to tell them I'm funny, but I'm not out here being like, wow, what you said really captured me. You're like, not at all. I like don't even remember what he said to me. I was just like, it's like, I'm the asshole in this situation. It's just like, it's just like, hey, you, you seem cool and respectful and I want to keep hanging out with you. And then, you know, that's what happened.

I don't think I ever used a dating app. That was like a little after my time of single days. But I feel like that's easy mode. Like when I see a book like this, I'm like, it feels like these guys are trying to do an old school, you know, like they're trying to just roll up to a woman and be like, again, and crazy that it came out like last year. Right. Like it feels like how to pick up girls at a con.

This is retro gaming. Go to the con with your phone and fucking see if anyone else is there is looking for romance on the app that everyone's using. But I've asked girls out in real, I've asked girls out at coffee shops, at bookstores, at laundromats. I mean, like, I think it's like, you have to be truthful. You can't go around every time you do laundry being like, who should I ask out? But if you're open to it and there's like a girl that you're like, Hey, that seems

cool. Then it's, then it's different, right? Cause then you're like, Oh, she's probably also living her life. Like I'm open to this. So I think that's what these guys are missing is the fact that like, you don't need to be trying every second. You just need to try when the second's right. And then that's most likely you're picking up on a vibe.

Like when you try every second, you forget, you like lose the, um, your receptiveness to the vibe. Like when that girl's giving you eyes, you can't hear it because you've been trying everyone. Anyway, I didn't mean for this to be a lecture. I'm sorry. I just, they need so much help. They need help.

I want to help these poor boys. Yeah, we came here to mock bad advice and instead giving out good. I just want to help them, you know, I want the human population to continue. I need reproduction to continue between people who are respectful, horny, but also cool, not like disrespectful toxic. Cause we don't need more babies being born out of weird pickup artists. We don't need that. That's not the future I want for America.

Right. At the very least use condoms, pickup artists. They're not doing that. Or just read this book. They're lying already about their buttholes. They're lying. They're not going to lie about using protection. Man, can't even be honest about your butthole.

What can you be even wiping every time? That's the other thing. I grew up in the eighties. And so like, I just don't even like shake hands without a condom. I'm like, I'll, I'll stop whatever's going on and be like, no, no, no, we're going to go find a condom before this goes any further. So you need to work on your trust issues. Maybe I guess so.

But I, but I have no unwanted pregnancies, I guess that I know of. Oh, I don't think I used that right. I don't think you're supposed to go into that directly from the unwanted pregnancy, but whatever. That's not supposed to be your segue. Right. I'm going to move on with this book because the next section here is everyday care. Everyday carry.

Make a habit to always have some of these items. So you don't smell like you just came out of this sector. Sector seven. We're still doing hygiene. Yes. You want deodorant. You want body spray. You want cologne.

You want gum and mitts. Oh no. Don't be one of those offenders and contribute to con bio. So we're still talking about the bio. These people are going back on their first piece of advice already. We're on page 18. Probably the, what, the fourth piece of advice. Um, we're already at like the hour mark.

This cannot be. Oh, we're not going to get through this book. There's just no way. The next section is, I'm not going to make it if this is page 18. The next section is on cosplay and how, um, don't half-ass your cosplay. You got to fully commit to your cosplay. Full ass.

Full ass. Full ass all the time. Wiped ass. Full ass. Yes. Full wiped ass. Empty hearts and full asses. You don't want to wear.

You don't want to wear tacky otaku shirts unless you look like Gilgamesh. And I guess he's a really buff guy. I don't know. No, isn't he the guy from Silicon Valley? I think so. I have no idea. I don't get that reference. Well, there is a character named Gilgamesh who's like an anime goth dude from Silicon

Valley, but I don't know. There's a different Gilgamesh. Maybe there's a different Gilgamesh. There is like a Greek demigod guy. Oh, okay. But I don't think it's probably an anime character. It's not that. Yeah.

It's probably an anime character. It's like a car. So that's another Greek. This book is great because it's like, be very clean, very fit, confident. I also have money in a car and know a lot about. And if you do all of that and know about anime, then you're set. If you don't know about anime and you do all of that, you're fucked. So under money in car, it says to get a job and get a whip.

So between the money in the car, what their advice is to have a good paying job and a car. So let's review adopt the right mindset. Yeah, sure. Have your EDC, which was the everyday carry, which is the two, two types of deodorants, two type of breath things and no condoms. They did not bring that up. They don't really think they're going to succeed. That's why I, yeah, I feel like, I feel like you're right.

They don't have a mentality of abundance here or mindset of abundance. Yeah. Something like that. Yes. I think you'd bring like 30 or 40 condoms with you if you, if you really meant that. Well, that's just, that's just you would just wear a necklace. That's just asking for an infection. So the next chapter is, um, I'm not crazy about the title.

Choose your hunting ground. Your item bar is set and you're ready to go on your capture quest. You head to the ancient forest, but upon arrival, realize this isn't where pink, rathian spawn just as certain locations on the map will take you to specific monsters. Going to the right event can lead to your dream girl. Yes. Definitely call the girls you want to romance monsters.

That's really fun. They love that. Yes. Yes. Do we have, do we have the slime quote in here somewhere? Oh no. Oh my God. Yes.

There is a slime quote. Um, the next section, uh, I'm going to go through these pretty quick. The next one is to go to a big anime convention. The pros are there's many potential waifus, but the cons are it's a too loud to start conversations. Um, another one is, uh, at major anime conventions, there's no, they're an amazing experience with a variety of panels and events. So although there's tons of girls around, spending the entire time chasing skirts is

an opportunity cost in itself. So you want to do make time to engage in your hobby, this anime thing that you presumably like. That's kind of nice. And at least they're like, Hey, don't forget you really like anime. Right. Go see the anime stuff. Don't forget you don't actually resent anime for taking over your life so that you don't

have any social skills and are unable to just be a normal person to talk to women. And, uh, now you are not yet. Yeah. No. Why don't you just like the things you like and be yourself? I don't know. That could work. I do feel like anime is one of the nerdy nerds that are, they're still kind of like nerds.

Like, if you like comic books, I feel that's kind of normal video games, especially normal. But I think if you meet someone who likes Japanese cartoons, that's you're still kind of like, I mean, my impression of, because I've never really gone to the cons, but, you know, I've tangentially been around brown, been around the community. Like my impression is that it's like super like kink positive, super like kind of almost like way more like experimental sexually. Everyone I have heard who like won't stop talking about being poly and whatever into the lifestyle is very into those cons.

So in my mind, it's like, oh, it's like this open, as you call it, hunting grounds, but like in a, in a positive way. So I'm like, huh, this is, this is such an interesting side to me because they're talking like frat boys going into like a date rate party where I'm like, I thought it was all about being open about your kinks and being like, let's communicate. And we went to therapy. Like that's what I thought anime world was. Right.

But somebody realized that. Right. But the bros realized that and we're like, oh, it looks like they're fucking a lot over here. Oh, and now they're like, how do we do that? They think they found the cheat code, right? That's so wild. They think they're going to a place where like everyone's social skills are really low and

they're probably right. But, but you're right about them being kind of sex positive. There's always, I've been to probably 10 anime cons and like hundreds of others. It's like, it's like the Folsom Street Fair. I think that's like, you know, BDSM fair and SF. But I always feel like that's very closely linked with like cosplay in my like people who just like express themselves, love costumes, love power play. And you know, literally you're talking about like power ups, right?

Like what you're like, what your XP or whatever. Sorry. I'm sorry. I'm embarrassing myself because I don't know enough references. I'd argue Folsom Street Fair and anime conventions are very different. They're all in costumes and leather and their fantasy characters and masks. I feel like it's all like Marvel DC whips. I don't know.

But Folsom Street Fair, the vibe is, hey, let's have a thing around open sexuality. Whereas anime is like, let's have a thing around anime. And some of those people are like, also like, I'm down for whatever in addition to my cartoon enthusiasm. You know, because if you go to the art section of those anime conventions, probably have to maybe even more is like the not safe for work stuff. Like even like you see like two characters talking to a dragon. You get the vibe that, oh, they're going to fuck this dragon. Oh, gosh.

Like there's a real sexual energy to anime art. So I agree to a point, but I don't think an anime con is that. They are both horny cultures. Yeah. And there's also a loneliness to anime art. So you're hearing like this is very sexual art, but like the person who drew it. Like a pig Malian nature. Like it's like, I would love for you to come to life, but the fluorescent lights are harshing my vibe.

Yes. Very mannequin vibe, which I guess was based on that myth. Next one is called scout the potential waifu. This one I think you'll really like know your level at the risk of sounding like dicks. We need you to have an honest evaluation of yourself and what you're capable of. Say you're starting out in a brand new game as a level one squire. Would it be a good idea to try to slay the level 99 dragon with tickle bitties right from the jump? Probably not.

So let's get some slimes under your belt to level up first. Oh, there it is. There it is. Women's slimes. Bang a few slimes. Get it out of your system. Oh, no. Yeah.

And here's where you find the targets. And there's a drawing of a very young girl showing her panties kind of hiding on the corner. With very eager eyes, not comfortable, even describing it. The wall stragglers. They're worn out and tired from the day they're ready for you to throw your balls at them. What? Pokeballs, that is. No.

See, you had to let me finish. Oh my gosh. Pokeballs. Isn't that cute? Isn't that cute? No. No. Yeah, no.

I've been answering this whole time. No, it is not. See, they also take a break and look at the merch they just purchased. And you ask to check out her loot. Also, they're easy to approach. That's just a whole bullet point. They're just easy to approach. When they're exhausted and isolated.

They have no defenses up. When it looks like they need a break, that's when you attack. Oh, no. The other one, separate from wall stragglers are the loners. They're usually independent. Maybe they came alone. They're looking for a friend or a connection. They're open to conversation and perhaps secretly hoping to meet their other half.

Perhaps secretly. That's two caveats to this person wants to talk to you. But do it anyway. Maybe they want to talk to you. Maybe they secretly want to talk to you. The next one is creatives. And these are like artists that you find in the artist alley. They're easy to chat with mainly because they're like stuck behind a booth.

Because they're trying to sell their shit. Right. Because it's customer service. It's like trying to bang someone in a toll booth. Oh my god. They're captive. They can't leave their merchandise unattended. So funny.

Yes. All pros. And then there's the cosplayers. And that's the majority of the attendees. And they're most approachable simply because their costume invites conversation. That's probably the truth. People who are putting on costumes are putting on a show in some sense. They're not saying come violate me, but they are saying come watch the show.

So if you're being respectful to check out the vibe, I think that's fair. I don't think it's an invitation to assault, which I think some of these people don't know. So I need to say that. But I do think it's like, yeah, I think it's okay if someone's like, hey, check out my costume. And they're like, hey, great costume. That's fine. But yeah, some people are like, oh, well, is she wearing? And you're like, okay, we'll fuck off.

I go to Comic Con a lot with April O'Neill who was on our show. And she'll cosplay as April O'Neill from the Ninja Turtles. And I'll just abandon her because like we'll get some mobbed with people wanting pictures with her who either recognize her from her work or just because it's like a good cosplay. And like we just can't even get through a conversation. I'm like, all right, I'm out. I'll meet up with you later. But so I feel like that that's my problem with this advice is if you see like a beautiful woman and cosplay and you try to go up and hit on it, you're like, you're literally going to have to get in line to talk to her. And I think that already fucks up your game.

Like if you're like, excuse me, yes, I've been waiting in line for seven minutes to tell you you have wonderful eyes, like fucking just get out of there. Pocket that nerd voice. I want I want that to become a staple. Okay, better than my glick. So the different types of cosplayers should dictate how you approach them. So there's two examples. Obscure cosplays, like if you see a chick and that's their words, not mine, dressed as Squidward or some random shit. Again, their words, not mine.

Here's your chance. Comment on it or simply ask them what they're wearing. Squidward, how would you not know? Oh, my God, someone's like, what are you? That was their obscure one. I'd be like, you know, like Squidward. Super obscure show. I think my grandma would be able to fucking identify that.

Like I think Iron Man called that dude Squidward in the fucking Avengers movie. Like it's pretty mainstream. Matching cosplays. You're in luck if you meet someone from the same series you're cosplaying. Go say hello. Maybe even ask if you guys look good together as a way to break the ice. So that's it. That's it.

If they have obscure cosplay, you go up and comment on it. That's all it says. All in Squidward. Comment on it. Or ask them what the fuck they are. Sub-Squidward. Right. And they have the same cosplay as you from whatever cartoon you're dressed as.

That's your in. You go up and talk about that. I feel like you couldn't give worse advice than this. You can't say less than that. Like see a girl in a costume, go ask what her fucking costume is. Like I feel like that's never occurred to me at this convention. I feel okay. This is like I'm having an opinion form at this very moment.

That is anti everything I would think that I would think. But I think that video games are making a stummer. I think because I wouldn't have thought that. I thought they were making a smarter problem solving, being creative, you know, exploring different worlds and perspectives. But after hearing you wrote this book, I think it's made us dumber. You might be right. But it has ruined something that I used to respect.

Because these things were just maybe basic common sense. If that even, I think most people are equipped with more than this common sense. So now I'm questioning everything. Maybe, maybe was it Nixon? Who is the one who said we're rotting our brains with TV and video? Maybe I'm a conservative now. Maybe I believe in. This book turned you conservative trickle down.

Well, I think that the context we need to remember is that these guys didn't have advice to give. And so when they pictured who would need to hear that they had to like just think of the most contemptuous idiot. And that's who they're writing for. And so here's the part that was a little problematic. And that's not a joke. Like this part was like troubling to me.

I didn't like it. Warnings and things to look out for. Traps. Oh, gosh. Yeah. Stolfos. Google Manfay. We don't need to elaborate further on this.

I didn't actually Google Manfay because I, I know what a trap is, which is kind of a no, no word. Like it's obviously not that bad. Yeah. Oh, what was really funny? I was looking for, I was looking for like an anime reference. Yeah. I didn't think you were just going to go straight into hate speech.

Thank you. I thought we were still dancing around. Right. Like you animased it. Not you. Like the book. I thought the book was going to be like, we're going to use something anime themed. No, no, no.

This is straight up like crocodile Dundee fucking transphobia. You're staple for that is crocodile Dundee. Yeah, dude. He went up to that, he went up to that lady and grabbed her dick. I know exactly what you're talking about. And so what's funny, this made me think of it how I actually got a lot of hate mail after this article went live. Like even on our own Patreon, people were like, like, this isn't so bad.

Like I feel like people were really trying to identify with the authors of this book. Like, yeah. And one of them was this traps part. I called it transphobic because that's what it is. Like you, if you look up that word, like you're not supposed to say it. And someone's like, I thought Sean baby is smarter than that. He said, he thinks it's transphobic to not be attracted to trans people. And I was like, that's not what that means.

Like it's fucking full on hate speech. They're calling it a trap. And then they're also like, first of all, everyone's like, they're the section right before they were saying like people are in costumes. And then there, so then they're basically saying like, I mean, the inference is like trans people aren't people because they're like, people aren't costumes. They're doing different people. You can pretend to be a different person.

Go up to person, pretend you're high power, high value. Oh, but also trans people don't count. It's like, okay, fuck off. First of all, second of all, like you're lying already and you don't wipe your butt. So it's true. So anyway, that it's just something I wanted to throw out there that like we don't get a whole lot of hate on our super above the rim comedy website. But this article, I got probably five emails that morning from really like cranky people

that I mean, it felt like it's been 20 years since I've gotten like emails like this. So something about this article like made people think like, no, no, no, no idea. Yeah. I don't bring stuff like that. It just isn't really, I mean, they're probably triggered in some sense. They may be triggered in the fear like, because I remember like the conversations online after the Chappelle special came out is like less about Chappelle and more about people wanting to know, like kind of validate how they felt, you know, and it's like the conversation isn't

really, they're not out here saying, I do totally think it's transphobic. And it's totally inappropriate. But I also think some of the people commenting may not have the experience that we do and they may just be thinking like, they're scared that something they didn't see coming. Like they fell into a hole. Like they were reading this and they're like, oh my God, like if I didn't see this coming, what else could I be canceled for? And it's like, it's not about that.

Like it's more about like now you know, and maybe this is the safe space to consider like nobody's getting canceled. Just think about your life. Think about other people's lives. Think about all of it now. Like now is the time. Yeah. This book is so good.

This book is so good at helping you pick up girls that like you're just going to get a few dudes in there. Oh my God. You're just like, before you figure it out, you're like, oh no, what have I done again? Yeah. You also want to look out for orbiters. They will be your demise. They were once like you, butting hopefuls trying to pick up a girl at a con.

And unfortunately they didn't have this book and were banished to the, guess what the next word is? Friend's own. They nailed it. Now these gatekeepers spend eternity following around their crush, holding her bags, taking pictures for her, and cock blocking. It's just called a friend. That's a friend.

Or a photographer. They could be a paid intern. You know, you don't know. Yeah. Or they're just our influencer cosplay girls with. I love that your greatest enemy so far in this book is other people like you. Exactly like yourself. Yes.

I love that. And that's like the worst advice would be like do not, but under any circumstances be friend the person you are trying to date and wife up forever. Do not be her friend. Never, ever, ever be friends with her. Okay. Good luck with that divorce. Okay.

Yeah. I also like that they're, they're calling it a numbers game. Like you just throwing yourself at every woman, hoping one of them is like horny enough to say yes. And that's what these guys are doing. This is the advice they've been given by other books like this, theoretically. That's so funny. You also want to look out for grenades.

We refer to them as grenades because you need your wingman to sacrifice themselves and jump on that shit real quick. Oh no. I'm not crazy about this conversation. I thought we stopped that phrasing in like 98. Yeah. How will these, these were young kids? They're, they looked like they're in the 20s.

They didn't, they don't have their name, their ages, but. Was it like a suspiciously aged photograph? This is like. No, their Instagrams were. I would expect Joe Rogan to talk like this. We're pretty active. Like there's one of these kids posted like a new shirtless picture, like every three days and.

Wait till they learn that these, a lot of these women are fucking each other. Like they are pleasing each other and coming many times. And it's like, oh, whoops. You guys missed the boat. Sorry. They do not have that type to look out for. They don't say. Yeah, because they don't even, they're so unaware.

Fucking. Shipwreck. Cause they're like, these women will be so horny. 2003. They're like, they'll be so horny. They'll need to fuck us. It's like, or they'll be so horny and respect each other that they'll be like, wait a minute. We're the hot ones.

Let's fuck each other. I mean, that's not really how queerness works, but I like to think that that's how. Yeah. That's how these boys are like, dammit. They're fucking each other out of revenge. Like that's what they think. They're like, what? Why would they fuck me?

Like, okay, dude. We're now ready to approach the target. We now have the advice of cleaning ourselves and having a job being very fit, finding women while they're alone. And looking out for men. Don't hit on men. And having anime knowledge. Most important of all.

Yes, we also have anime knowledge. Bolded. So now we finally found our, you finally found your Kanojo, your Asuna, your Rem, your 02. Now this, I'm 0 for four. I don't know any of these. Do you guys recognize these words? Yeah. Was one of them a grandma reference?

I don't know. These are Japanese words for grandma. 02 was from that robot fucking anime I wrote about. Okay. Darling in the Franks. God, that one was fucking weird. Grandma's oba-san, right? That sounds right.

I had Japanese babies. Yeah, got a few of them. For a second, who taught me a few words. I think we got enough to just establish that we're nerds. Yeah, we don't need to show off. I don't know, whatever, sorry, this is his words again. I don't know, whatever the fuck you like, you get it. What do you do now?

Let's start with hello. That's it, that's the whole page. Oh, okay. So opening, share a short story or comment to break the ice and initiate a conversation. If improv isn't your strong suit, canned material is great. Oh no. So maybe these guys are familiar with actual pickup artist stuff. Because I talked about them earlier, they have really rehearsed like stand-up bits that

where you go up to a girl and you're like, oh my god, this guy George just like fell in the bathroom. You better be a hell of an actor. And there's even a whiff of that being like a canned bit. You're just the police is my immediate. That's a good point. When it comes up to me and starts doing like a bit and I just like will fucking get away from me.

I'm not getting in a van with you. Yes. Yeah, you see this like when people on the street come up and they like instead of just asking for change, they're like, yeah, my kids are trapped in the car and I can't get back from the impound unless I have 1178 and you're like buddy, you could just ask for change. You did need to do all this. I feel like everyone's defenses are up against exactly.

I don't think he's trying to fuck you. Yeah. I don't think that guy's trying to fuck you. Well, he got some anyway. It was very, he was a very charming guy once we broke through those defenses. It works once. It works one time. But if you don't have anything, then no worries.

What matters is just saying something. So just fucking run up to that girl, do some improv, do something canned or just make noises. The important thing is here there and doing things. Act like you're choking and see if she performs CPR on you. That's clever. And then like try to hit it with your boner, I guess. Oh no. That's assault.

Don't do that. No, no, you touched it. You touched it. We're married. You're my wife. Oh my God. That's the next page. Try to engage in.

Hit it with your boner? Hit it with your boner and then she has to marry you. That's just anime law. I'm sorry. That's not real. I should probably make it clear that's not actually real. Yeah. That's tough to figure out the line.

The next piece of advice is know what to say beforehand, which is fantastic because they just bailed on that whole advice. Literally the last paragraph. And then be aware it's not a time to introduce yourself or hit on them yet. So this is a lot of mix, a lot of mixed signals. What did he just say? I don't know. But you're not hitting on the girl you're trying to fuck.

You're not introducing yourself. You're not having prepared stuff, but you want to know what you're going to say beforehand. As I mentioned earlier. It's very clear that this is where it all falls apart. They're like, okay, we don't know about this part. We were reasonably fit. We had cars. We had anime knowledge and that worked.

Yes. And now what? And now we're in the fucking tundra. Wandering the frozen desert. There's a page about conversation tips that aren't terrible. It says to ask questions, but nothing serious. Keep it fun and limited to just small talk. It's just good like dinner party advice.

It's not maybe good pickup artist advice. Use the 80 20 rule, which is she should be talking 80% of the time while you're interjecting or elaborating on the topic. I'm actually really bad at this one. We're doing great today because Teresa, you're very talkative. I'm a 99 one rule. Yeah. Today, today I'm running real good numbers.

I should be talking 99% of the time. Dealing with rejection is a little section. Since the end of the day, you'll probably fail more than you succeed. So leave your pride at the door. Even if you get rejected or completely bomb with it. It seems like you had a lot of pride up till now buying this anime book. Right. What matters is the attempt.

Dating is a numbers game. That's it. Word for word. Oh, God. And you have to be a fool before becoming a master. Wow. And then they have a couple of stories to help you like wrap your head around the statistics for, for example, gotcha rates for an SSR and FGO is less than 1%.

Imagine saving over a, I think FGO is a game. I can't remember the name of the game. That SSR I think is like the best kind of character. Like, um, like your grading goes ABCDEFG, but then better than A is an S and better than S is an S and better than SS. You lost me, but I'll take your word for it. I do. Yeah.

Like I get, I get the language they're speaking. I just don't like speak this dialect. So, um, imagine saving over 1000 SQ for a year to roll for Tamamo and got shit. Not even one copy of her. You would cry. I did. Fuck FGO. So this is a very personal story about this guy.

This guy like playing mobile games. Wow. So hot. Yeah. I think a girl would really respond to this if he went up and complained about the drop rates in a gotcha mobile game. She'd be like, Oh, tell me more. Just wouldn't even know her panties are sliding off.

I want to hear the wedding speech of a success story. Just like, it's a numbers game. She said yes. Like I want to hear that. Like, I don't know. I went up to girls like suck my feet. And then she said 742 baby. She's like, I guess I'll suck your feet.

And I'm like, let me ask 20 more people. And they all said no. So I went back to her. You don't want to take your first. Yes. Right. You don't want to seem desperate. Um, the other example is here's another example to drive our message home.

Having a 300 ERA career average in baseball would land you in the hall of fame. So if you were to ask at 10 girls and only got three numbers, call yourself Todoroki Raichi, who must be a Japanese baseball player. Um, also, we're assuming baseball knowledge. I feel like he's correct me if I'm wrong, but a 0.300 ERA. That is good. That's an earned run average, but that's also like insanely low. Like that's the greatest picture of all time.

That means like, I think they're only hitting 0.3 hits on you a game, which can't be right. I think what he means is a 300 batting average. Um, but again, I can't be sure. I'm not a big baseball guy, but I feel like I'm more of a baseball guy than these nerds. Also, like to compare sport, like it's athletes that love a game are out there to keep playing it, whereas these guys are trying to stop playing their game because they want to find desperately a reason to stop playing.

So I don't know if that's the same comparison. It is weird that you say that because this feels to me like someone who wants to have like at least a short career as a casual sex poontangist, right? Like this is not advice for someone to find a wife. They use the word waifu, but I don't think they mean that like literally. Like I think this is for someone who wants to have a lot of casual sex partners, not someone trying to find the one. Right.

They're trying to figure out. It would be really bad advice. Yeah. They want to figure out how to love themselves by fucking other people. I get it. Right. I found the one by learning from this anime book. Let me show you.

Let me read you some passages. You know, I actually, it's funny to say that because as you were saying, like reading this, I'm like the best advice, the best case scenario of this book working is you have this book and go up to somebody and be like, I have this fucking book. It's so stupid. Do you want to look at it and would this work? Like, because then you can laugh together.

Hey, that's what this podcast is. That's true. Is that why I'm feeling so seduced? Yeah. It's all orchestrated by my, I wrote everything in this book. I was paid by Natter. I forgot to tell you guys to write this. No, but it's truly, it's just like finding a connection.

Truthfully, right? It's like, this book is shit. So if you have this book and you think it's shit, I don't know. Go be like, look at this book. I'm so bad at girls. I bought this book. Huh. What would you do?

So everybody buy this book. Yeah. No. That describes at least 20 of my relationships, me pulling out something and saying, Yeah, that's most of my career. How does it feel to be just encapsulated? That's kind of when I'm in an nightclub too. Like, I do really well when something completely absurd happens and I get to make fun of it.

Where can we find more of you, Teresa? You can find me at the cons of picking up the ladies, rooming my butthole. No. Sorry. I, okay. No, don't go back on that. You brought it up. Yeah, go to the cons.

No, I don't know. You can find me online. You can find me on that. Grooming the butthole. Yeah, I'll be grooming my butthole in the corner. It's saying, don't say hello to me yet. I can't introduce myself. I'm at Teresa Lee Bot on Instagram.

I am also selling some holiday cards and cool little merch if you guys like that kind of thing at TeresaLeeComedy.com. But yeah, as of now, I'm not like doing many live shows until the new year because of COVID. So follow me and then I'll post more from there. Thank you for being here. Thank you. I'm going to end this the same way this book ended with 20 pages of semi-nude pencil drawings of anime girls.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

No. No. No. Every finger, Louie, we hardly knew you. I didn't mean that to rhyme, I'm so sorry. Aaron Crosston, Adrienne H, Aiden Mohan, Alpha Sciences Java. We're still looking for his face, by the way. Everyone check your intake filters.

Armando Navajo, Benjamin Sironin, Brandon Garland, Breanne Whitney, Chase McPherson. Children, love the meet and greet. I know this one is hardest on you kids. You're going to have to find someone new to love now. I suggest Jesus. Chris Brown, Curious Glare, Dan B, Laziest Man on Mars, Dean Costello, Dr. Ockwin.

Eric Spalding, you will be missed, but everyone gathered here today has to admit that was a sick clip. Fancy Shark, Jell-O-Hope, High Fly in Haraka. You flew too close to the sun, by which I mean Jetski too close to that cruise ship. Hot Fart, J-Burn, Al Aiden, John, John McKennan, John Minkoff, we're retiring your number.

Nobody will ever be number one again in our hearts or on our life vets. Josh S, Ken Paisley, A&M, Lyman, all the doubters said you'd never land that 920 Superman backflip, and they were right. Still waiting for you to come down, buddy. Mark, Matt Cortez, Matt Riley, Mike Stiles, Mixmaster Mojo, DJ of the Sea, your spin and discs

for Jetski Jesus now. N.D., Neil Bailey, Neil Schafer, Nick Rolston, Nick H, Patrick Herbst, Rev, who never told us his real name and would only answer to the sound of a Jetski motor redlining. Rihanna, Rich Josti, Sarkovsky, Donald Finney, Tim Illehi. You should not have tried to make two Jetskis fight while also riding them, but if you'd listened,

you wouldn't have been our Timmy. Toasty Gun, Tom Sikula, Yossarian, and Josh Fabian, the worst Jetski mechanic who ever lived. You might have killed all your friends, but there's one thing a poorly maintained Jetski can never kill, and that's our memories. We'll miss you most of all.