The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - Dogg Zzone 9000 - Episode 56, The Barbarian Game with Brian McClellan!

Episode Date: January 12, 2022

Brockway challenges Seanbaby and fantasy author Brian McClellan to roleplay the 1987 fantasy movie, The Barbarians! What, you need further explanation? Game mechanics? Worldbuilding? Basic insturctions? That's not very barbarian of you - you FAIL the Barbarian Test! But do Brian and Seanbaby pass...?

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Yeah, not thousand Welcome to the Dog Zone 9000 The official podcast of 1-900 HOT DOG America's last comedy website I'm Robert, Raw Barbarian Brockway And with me on this and all of life's adventures Is Sean Baby the Sean Barbarian I love it, I was really hoping I'd get a Barbarian nickname

Thank you Of course, of course you do And our special guest today Fantasy author, Brian The Bar-Bri-ian McClelland I feel like I might have gotten robbed a little bit on that one The Bar-Bar-Bri-ian

The Bri-Barian I like Bri-Barian Bri-Barian's good We found it, we found it together On this adventure It was a good journey I'm doing wonderful, thank you for having me on today Thanks for coming on the show

Brian writes a little bit of everything From fantasy to urban fantasy But You probably know him best Both types of books Yeah, all of them, that's all the genres Probably best known for the Powder Mage series I just want to say a little bit about them

I love them, I love those books Some fantasy authors have done like What if there was magic, but also guns And I know some fantasy authors have done What if there were magic guns But you've done what if magic was guns Oh yeah And it's just, it's fantastic

I bet you have a better way to explain that No, not really I mean, I've been doing conventions And crap for eight years and that's about the best I've come up with too Well, you can feel free to use it Brian, is there anything you want to plug today before we get started On our barbarian adventure?

Oh man, I mean, I guess, yeah, you handled my books I've got my own podcast as well That Robert was on, not that long ago Page Break with Brian McClellan And I just Have casual chats with my fellow creative professionals Yeah, and it's great It's great, it's a good time

It's easy listening, lots of smooth jazz Yep, it's good stuff Alright, well We have to get into it because it's I fear I've overdone this Epic Fantasy adventure Today, we will be playing A new game, and this is called

Brockway's Barbarian Bad Ventures Although that is not the real name That will certainly change, certainly I'll have Jamie splice the real name In post And for our first Episode, we will be watching And playing the 1987

Fantasy movie, The Barbarian Starring the Barbarian brothers Do you know who they are? Oh, I do I know their names are Peter and David, Paul David died last year See, that's the danger

With doing any research at all Into professional wrestlers Always will end to in-wrestling tragedy Wait, is this a Peter, Paul and Mary crossover? Yes, their third brother Is named Mary, and She's still with us

She has six arms I'm trying to think of other facts I know about these guys My brain always mixes them up with Jose and Ozzy and Seiko But then I remind myself that Peter and David are the sane ones And Jose and Ozzy are the insane ones

I did know about this Barbarian's Movie, I think I might have Saw five minutes of it when I was a kid So I'm not going to spoil any game That you have planned I know they did a movie from the Objectively best genre Hilariously hired as nanny's genre

Oh hell yeah I don't know if you've ever written a book in that genre Brian, but it's my favorite That movie was called Twin Sitters And they were muscle chefs who saved a lake If I remember that right I am scribbling notes as we speak And what else?

I know one more thing about the Barbarian twins They were in a deleted scene In natural born killers Where they played themselves and I think Mickey and Mallory Either killed them or were in the process Of killing them when they realized who they were And they cut it because Oliver Stone said they were overacting

And I remember distinctly on the commentary track He says, I blame myself Which I think was really nice of him But he has more than one Oscar So I think it might have been their bad I blame them, I've seen this Imagine how bad a job You have to do to be cut from natural born killers

Where the entire point is that it's just this Over the top Not quite real Bizarre, crazy, like you can do anything Everybody was just chewing fucking scenery Imagine being told you're overacting In that movie That's rough, that's real rough

Gotta be heartbreaking I deleted scene from it, my god I didn't realize that existed Incredible I know we're short on time That's all I know about them At least I think so, some of them might get jarred as we go Well I'm glad we didn't delve too deep Into the tragedy right up top

Well he led a full life It's not like he died of some tragic cause Oh good, good I just I naturally assume murder, suicide And it's usually like 50-50 That's how Jose and Ozzy will go For certain

Alright, before I bring us too far down Basically To sum up, all you really need to know Is they were big and they could sort of talk And that's really all you needed To helm an 80's fantasy movie Yeah, and they looked awesome They looked like Conan

Yes, they just, they looked like you Duplicated Conan That sounds perfect And it's great, so anyway I have watched the barbarians I've studied the barbarians And established, neither of you did Or at least haven't watched very much of them

So I will be your barbarian master And you will be playing the barbarians I will give you the characters and scenarios You tell me how you Want to handle them And we'll see how your response matches up To the movies

This is like from the great book Ready Player One If you insist I made it like five pages He's a ready player I felt like I got the juice They had a thing in that Book where he would go inside a movie

And then just have to act in the movie And that was the entire game, you just like He was Matthew Broderick and just had to do war games He could have written anything, he could have invented any video game And this was like his dream video game Was just reciting war games Presumably over and over Exactly as it played out

So we've got one up On Ready Player One Because you will be telling me How you would handle this prompt And then we will compare your responses To see how close to barbarian You have gotten Yeah, that sounds great

Sweet Well, Sean, you are the Beefy Barbarian Kuchek Kuchek And Brian, you are The Barbarian Beefcake Gore Could you spell that for me? G-O-R-E

Gore I don't like it Yeah, I'm a little disappointed, I gotta be honest I thought it was two Rs, didn't you? I was hoping there was an H in there somewhere Ooh, that would have been good too Two Rs and an H I think you could fit two apostrophes in that

Oh, hell yeah Or amateur The H is silent And behind an apostrophe Alright, bear with me Through the setup exposition Our story begins In the detailed fantasy world of

Unnamed You are children of the Ragnick tribe A beloved troupe of entertainers Whose ancestors traded a mountain of gold For a single magical ruby Which grants the power of happiness I'm not kidding Your queen, Canary, wears it

In her belly button like an exotic dancer You are identical twins Marked with the sign of the road to show that You belong to the Ragnicks And you are currently playing innocent games With your best friend and girl Kara Suddenly your caravan is attacked

By the forces of the merciless Kadar He has a perm- I make them happy I make them happy using the power of our ruby It's not quite there yet You will get this chance Kadar has a perm, a mullet And dreadlocks at the same time He fucking means business

Then he deserves my happiness The evil sorceress China Is by his side Yes, she is ethnic No, she's not the wrestler Queen Canary takes tasks An elderly man with running away And hiding the ruby of happiness

That she keeps in her belly button You are captured Now it's your first decision This one goes to both of you Is this protocol? Normally I imagine this ruby is very precious We traded a mountain of gold for it They had to have some sort of procedures in place

Like what do we do if bad guys come to get the ruby Is this part of the plan Give it to the old man and run It does, it does seem like part of the plan That they have worked out in advance They don't talk about the hiding spot He just leaps off a wagon And tucks and rolls like an expert

And just sprints off into the distance Nobody chases him, so it's all fine I ask my identical twin brother Gore If he remembers what we're supposed to do In this presumably prepared for situation Oh man, I assume That we're supposed to Act kind of injured

For four or five days While there's a bit of a montage Of us being taken into slavery Pretty good Right now, keep in mind You are two young juggling twins The evil Khadar is threatening your queen With his sword and his army

That is the specific scenario Are we jacked as shit? No, you're two, you were like Eight years old, I don't know how to juggle You do know how to juggle I would suggest to my brother That we juggle To prove our worth to our captors

And maybe distract them long enough For the queen to escape Using the power of our twin connection I just felt it before he said it I'm already juggling That is not what they did in the movie Here is the correct answer You run up and bite his fingers off

That is how jugglers communicate You run right up and bite his fingers off Because you're fucking hardcore Khadar obviously slaps you He moves to kill you Queen Canary promises to be his slave forever If he spares you and he very Suspiciously says

As long as I live These two will never die by my hands Or the hands of my men Queen Canary of course takes this deal With no further questions Now your second decision is coming up The sorceress, China Takes those severed fingers

And asks which one of you did this What do you say? As jugglers we cannot lie Yeah That is the juggler's code That's standard for jugglers We did it together, didn't we? I guess we could each say we bit one off

Yeah, we each bit one off I like that That's a great idea, Gore You're right in line, that is the answer You both say me So of course She turns the fingers to dust with her magic Finger dust and makes jazz hands

Until you're covered with cobwebs This does nothing and you both ignore it You are given to a man named Dirtmaster I didn't stop, that's his name His name is Dirtmaster He wears an adorable horn on a headband Like his fursona is a unicorn

But he doesn't have the terms to express that properly You two are separated, thrown in a prison called the pit And trained for arena fighting Now I'm going to split you up briefly Oh Dirtmaster Dirtmaster has you cornered with a vicious dog You are given a club

The dog will kill you What do you do? I've been trained in happiness In finger biting, the dog has no fingers But it does have feelings I make the dog happy That's a good shot However, you don't have the happiness ruby

So instead, you throw the club at Dirtmaster Thinking that the dog will Hate Dirtmaster and join my side No, you just don't care You hate him enough I'll have to really recalibrate If that's who I am There could be some logic there

Like the club throwing a stick Hoping that the dog will attack The Dirtmaster Hey, maybe that's it Yeah, maybe it's strategy It doesn't work He's the smart twin But I'm the better juggler

I can promise you right now There are no smart twins in this world Alright, gore You're in your own cage away from your brother A deadly snake has made its way into your cage What do you do? Man Like Sean says

We're trained in happiness I turn it into a living necktie That's a lot of fun However, the real answer is You throw the snake at Dirtmaster Well

At least we're consistent It really seems like There's a big advantage of being the second twin to go I think You could not see each other You're just that in sync Alright, you were in the fighting pits prison You're being tortured

You, Kucek, are punished by a giant In a black helmet And gore, you're punished by a giant In a brass helmet Now we're going to flash forward And you're both ripped Congratulations The movie's exact words are

You grew until you were men But not ordinary men Barbarians Grew up and happened to be barbarians I love how they've stolen Conan All the way down to the structure They've stolen Conan all the way down to the structure The opening narration

On these are the days of high adventure Can you do the Mako voice, please? Oh, of course I can do the Mako voice These are the days of high adventure No, I can't do the Mako voice You know I can, you son of a bitch That's the show

Your voice is shut Yeah, you've shortened the show by an hour They've actually stolen Actual props From Conan They have the skull helmets from Red Sonya The exact ones They just reuse them in this movie

Are they wearing the shoes from Mario Brothers? That's it It gives them super jumping powers What do you do? You're in the prison You are now about to face your first opponent In the fighting pits Kuchek, you won't believe this

Your opponent is that bastard who tortured you In the black helmet Gore, this is insane Your opponent is that bastard in the brass helmet What do you do? Switch opponents Are we in there together? It's me and him?

Yes Then How long? Do we know how long this has been? Like Probably 20 years So we've been on the wheel of pain For 20 years You've been separated all this time

Oh Circle of unpleasantness Sorry, trademarked I I feel like I'd probably just Tear the guy's head off Want that helmet?

You're tearing the head off Sean wants to switch opponents Good tactics The answer the movie presented Was you're both going to pose like Dio In Holy Diver You're going to do awkward, slow sword swings And fight

And it turns out You are perfectly evenly matched Because you are fighting each other You were in the black helmet, you were in the brass helmet It was a game to get you to kill each other You fight until Nobody Absolutely nobody, brilliant screenwriting

You fight until Gore knocks off Kuchek's helmet He realizes it's his own face under there And he takes off his own helmet And you now stay in face to face with yourself For the first time in 20 years Gore, what do you do? There's the

I assume that I do the The Mark's Brothers skit And Like the mirror skit Where I'm trying to figure out if it's a mirror or not But My brother is so into Those are good antics

Yeah, it's just the same thing We're doing the same thing exactly Fantastic, that's actually pretty close The real answer is you've completely forgotten That you're a twin You say, take a good look, you lump of hog piss What are you doing with my face And continue to fight

Kuchek, you are being attacked By your idiot brother, what do you do? I block and say I think I'm figuring this out I might not have your face There might be a more reasonable explanation That is almost exactly right The answer is

You do remember you're a twin And you also remember your twin's name And you say, Gore, you bloody idiot, it's me Your brother, Gore That's the most word for what I said Yes, very on point You get extra barbarian I am 7% barbarian

Mark down Two points of barbarian experience Thank you Alright, Gore, you now realize You've been fighting your own brother What do you do? I throw myself on my knees And beg for forgiveness

Just a great move Very reasonable, the wrong answer The correct answer is, you keep fighting him Just because It seems like fun When you said there isn't A smart brother Am I the dumber of the dumb brothers?

No, no, you'll both get your chances to It's kind of like a cold war Of stupidity Where you're just going to be constantly one-upping each other With how dumb you can be I like that So you'll get your time to Sean And Sean, I know

You've got the bummer Of having the smart brother for now Don't worry, you get real good Good, thank you Alright, it seems all is lost You're bound to kill each other When Queen Canary rushes out and screams for both of you to stop You both stop fighting

Immediately ally and make your escape You are each armed with a sword But no armor, just loincloths What is your first step? We've already escaped No, you're making your escape Right now, you've decided Okay

Kill the Middle-aged hot lady Who tried to, no, not kill Capture the middle-aged hot lady Who told us to stop fighting Because I definitely don't recognize her If I didn't recognize my own stupid brother Ooh, that's good barbarian thinking

That is really good thinking Uh, trade loincloths Trade loincloths? A real good thinking, they would never expect that The real answer is you throw your swords away And you instead start lifting stuff You just lift everything near you It's great

We've been away from the gym for like 12 minutes This works, you escape Through the power of lifting You lift enough to escape Not only escape, but you get horses You're on horses, you're fleeing Dirt master is screaming in agony You're having lost such

Magnificent beef statues Uh, you are pursuing I gotta be honest, I'll miss dirt master a little bit I know I threw a stick at him When I was a kid, but he was He was alright, we had a moment And this is like the only guy That we've known for 20 years

Like this is our only friend and we're leaving Like I'm shedding a tear as I escape With my life Also it's a Conan parallel Because his trainer was also Just weeping uncontrollably As his meat palaces Fled into the night

I don't think you had to tell us that Or our audience, we all remember Conan You escape in the forest You're on horseback, but you're pursued by men Who are also on horseback What do you do? I probably Why are we running from these wimps?

I'm doing James Remar from The Warriors now Because I think it'll serve me well in this barbarian circumstance Yeah, that seems like a good idea You know, we stop and fight Probably nowhere strategic Because we're dumb as bricks Yeah, we can just lift them

Yeah, that's my plan We could throw a horse at them Oh, I love it! We throw horses at them You know, I'm gonna give you one barbarian point Not for getting right, but just Because that's such good barbarian thinking Mark 1, barbarian experience bro

Oh yeah The answer is you abandon your horses And run away on foot This works! The men ride on, oblivious Oh, they chase the horses? No, they don't even see the horses They just ride on

They're following the road and they forgot They were chasing anybody So we should talk about relative IQs So we're just assuming this world Is full of people just as dumb as us? Oh, you've hit it You've hit it exactly Everybody in this world is completely stupid

Every single person Nobody is smarter than you This is the world I've hoped for my whole life You are huge and powerful And made out of beef and nobody is smarter than you Everything comes up your way Alright, the men ride on, oblivious You meet a woman in a cage

In the middle of the woods There is nothing else around No people, no civilization This appears to be a forest cage For a forest woman Her name is Esmina And she refers to herself in the third person She asks the both of you

To come on over And nibble on this cage What do you do? Hmm Well, barbarians don't nibble We bite I bite the cage And invite my brother Gore to do the same

Let's bite it together We could bite from either side Yeah We'll eat our way to her And then we'll have a test of strength To see who gets to bed her Tactical geniuses The correct answer is

You leave, this is not your business Oh Well, we're very sorry, man After a short walk You find the burned caravan of your former tribe The ragnix Long destroyed and overtaken by weeds You mourn this loss

The best way be brothers know how By exclaiming, there's nothing No music, no colors Then all of your people Appear perfectly fine Oh, what? They capture you in a net These are

Do we recognize them? Yes You recognize them completely Oh good They fetch the forest girl from the forest cage And set all three of you up for hanging You carefully explain your identities You tell them your names

You point out that you're twins And that you have a unique mark That they branded you with on the neck From when you were little kids So that they would always recognize you They do not check any of that They don't care you are going to be hanged For the crime of

Saying there's no music Yeah, just being there I assumed it had something to do with the cage Like Maybe we sinned against Their cage god No, you left You did not interfere at all with that cage

Now they have dragged the girl from the cage And all three of you are up on a platform Tied to a branch, you're ready to be hanged Gore, you're first, you just got hung What do you do? I flex my neck muscles Until the news pops Fucking fantastic

That is exactly what you do Yes You also make A bizarre walrus noise You do this repeatedly I don't think I can do it I'm going to try You do that

Over and over again Until the rope explodes from your neck expanding You fall on the ground And laugh uproariously You are still making the walrus noise But now you're just doing it because it's funny I'm just a very large baby Who thinks that this is playtime

I'm so proud of my brother You guys are getting this so well I'm so happy Your brother did not rescue you You just got hung What do you do? Same thing, I have no reason to change the plan It's a perfect plan

Surprisingly no You flex so hard You burst the ropes tying your wrist And then you grab the rope that you're hanging from And you rip half the tree down You are muscle monsters I like that I had my own spin on it Yeah, you both did the same thing

Where you just were too strong for reality But you did your own thing Your own way Finally, this display of strength Is enough for the Ragnix to think to check you For the identifying marks that you told them you have Oh yeah, now they're going to check us Because everybody in this tribe has those marks

And everybody, remember Is just as stupid as you You are proud and stupid people Now they get it They welcome you back They rejoice at finding their lost members I love their system of laws Yeah, this justice system is fantastic

So your first order of business You ask for weapons to rescue Queen Canary But the leader, Ebar Who looks like a sick Peewee Herman Says no one is strong enough to oppose Kadar What do you do? Demonstrate our strength Did you just see what we did to those nooses?

God, you're dialed in Mark five barbarian experience each You say You say, are you kidding? Look at us, we're huge And then you lift the man up Is Mita Butts in now to say She knows where you can find weapons

So Ebar cuts her loose Together the three of you journey to a tavern A bucket of blood Where you can buy weapons That is what she meant by knowing where weapons were She knows that you can purchase them Okay, and I assume we have no money? You have one gold piece and a ring

I have three words for you Brockway Three words and they are Demonstrate our strength The time will come Just keep it in mind It's easy to forget But I think you may have unlocked most of this game The bucket of blood is a crude structure

In the middle of the forest Nothing else around much like the cage This is a forest bar You go inside and it is wall to wall people There's like 200 people in here There's a girl doing a strip tease On a giant bearskin rug Another is erotically riding a horse around indoors

It fucking rules Sounds amazing Do we have any options? You are about to Remember Gore You need to find your contact For this secret black market weapons deal What do you do?

I walk up to the nearest person And ask for the secret black market weapons man I'm so happy That is exactly what you do You slap the first guy you see And you say hey buddy You know where we can buy weapons? Yeah

He's the guy you needed to contact He brings you to a man named Jackal He is half your size You don't have enough gold The one gold piece in ring does not cut it But Instead of turning you away He challenges you to an arm wrestling match

If you win That saves me so much time That's what I was going to do You were going to propose that anyway You're so happy he asked you to do this The mistakes are if you win you get the weapons And if he wins He gets Esmina

Gore I mean I have no attachment to this woman Yeah sure That is exactly right You have no attachment to this woman You don't hesitate for a second You say yeah I accept the deal And strong men kidnap her

Koochak You are the one up on arm wrestling Only twist Jackal stands up And it turns out he's twice your size He was just sitting down So you do not understand How sitting down makes things look smaller

You kind of think that everybody sitting Is a very little person and then they do magic To grow when they stand Well here's what I have in mind I also stand up Again Oh shit That is a power move

That is barbarian psychology right there No you just settle down And go right to arm wrestling You arm wrestle There is a snake that messes with you I guess that's your thing That's my brother I'm the dog guy

He chose the wrong twin I can't believe you remember I can't believe you remember which twins you are There's no way I have There's no way in my notes I have it right Which twins are which 20 times and you're like Perfect

I can remember up to one things Because the movie also Does not give you any identifying markers Between them you're dressed identically Nobody uses their name You're just completely interchangeable From here on out Anyway Koochak you arm wrestle and have won the match

What do you do to celebrate I tear his arm All the way off From the shoulder That's my arm now Very close you punch him straight in the face Then you punch everybody else in the face And the two of you fight the entire bar

In his elevator This works I love it and there into this Are the people happy that we've given them This great gift of combat It doesn't matter it works You do not get the weapons you came for You flee with his Mina but somehow

She was a human slave in escrow this whole time She has discovered information To infiltrate the castle and you forget the weapons Entirely I don't think we need them I think you're inspired by how well That went That was way better than weapons

Just fought a whole bar what do you need weapons for So You run to town Ready for your rescue mission But you need a disguise You also need to avoid attention A woman sleeps on a pair of cloaks Nearby

Two check what do you do Let's see I slapped the woman Not violently just to wake her up And ask her if she knows where we can Buy some cloaks Pretty close The answer was you lift the woman straight up

Over your head and hold her there She does not wake up Gore what do you do Considered a stealth mission I wear the woman As a cloak Good barbarian Mark one barbarian experience The answer is you get the cloak

You don't have any comments This was a perfect plan and it went exactly Like you hoped Yeah lifting things that's what we do Pretty good Well done Kuchek you have arrived At the town gate but it's closed

What do you do I can't even imagine You think I would say anything other than lift the gate With my mighty arms You can't you are still carrying the woman Above your head You forgot you were doing that And you've been carrying around for five minutes

Izmina yells at you to stop carrying the woman So you put her down she still does not wake up Okay Okay I feel like I was tricked I feel like this happens to barbarians a lot But I was tricked You were tricked by forgetting about stuff

That you did Short-term memory The gate is still closed the both of you Your hands are free now what do you do I feel like we each take One side of the gate and lift Lift it bodily like the whole wall Not a bad idea

Lift the rest of the castle and not the gate Yeah The gate would never see that coming And then go around the gate that's still there Uh huh These are good instincts to like Know that lifting is not quite enough You both decide to ram it

With your heads together Okay So you team up you sync up you very carefully You know line up and charge towards the gate And ram it down with pure beef force But Izmina just opens it Uh huh You both charge through with no resistance now

You stumble and fall in the middle of the street You're laying down the street a guard sees you What do you do Uh Let's invent a move here Dear brother where one of us Throws the other I vote You throw me

Yeah I'm all over this yeah Let's do that Okay You gotta name this move what do you call it Uh see the uh Is there a barbarian word For torpedoes I like that

You get to make it up The bulbarian shuffle That's good there you go I like that Okay remember you have just stumbled and fallen In the middle of the street dead center of the street You're laying in the dust a guard sees you Uh the answer is

You both pretend to be asleep This works Oh we've got the cloaks yeah we just pull the cloaks up over ourselves That makes sense I forgot about the cloaks I didn't even have to specify that that's exactly what you do I got you so good You led into this telling us this was

Trying this was a stupid film But it's all internally logical still Right you just have to use Stupid logic and then it makes smart Sense Alright You have entered the town and Kadar's forces Are everywhere

Things look grim Gore a guard turns To you and looks at you he almost Recognizes you what do you do Oh uh Twist his head off and steal his clothes I'm on board Good barbarian instincts

I'm sorry the answer is You make out with your own twin brother For an uncomfortably long time Well well well This took a change seriously You are not dressed as women You are not one of you is not dressed more as a woman You just are huge twins

And uh you make out with each other And uh One of you One of you is way more into it than the other I won't say which It's Koochak I've been intrigued the whole time I was wondering when we finally get to the bit

When we make out Yep Koochak you're into it This works This works completely Is the guard into it Uh he leaves But not because he's disgusted Or confused it's very clearly

Shown that he's just disinterested In hopefully twin make out sessions in the middle of the road Like he's seen So many that this just doesn't even get it up for him anymore And that'll make sense in a second Because You continue down the road And you immediately spot a tent full of orgy

There is a small tent It's in the middle of the street Chalk full of orgy What do you do Koochak what do you do Oh well I mean we just warmed up for exactly this We go into the orgy Yeah that seems unquestionable Oh

Sort of right The answer is you stick your head in there And make more walrus noises They love it everybody at the orgy Loves it but you do not join You just leave this has no bearing on anything Oh man that's weird Yeah

It's a pretty strange decision Koochak I don't know why you did that But now I can do the walrus sound Do it No I mean like I'm just making sure that My twin can now do the walrus sound Because earlier he was the only one who did it That's true you are both doing walrus noises

This is a good thing I just wanted to add that to my tricks Or perhaps I can't tell them apart And the movie didn't specify That's another good point So for all intents and purposes Since I am your barbarian master You have just learned walrus noise

Mark that down in your spell slots I do I have it down already You can use it A cantrip so I can just use it at will I was going to give it to you as a first level And maybe like three times a day But good barbarian instincts Take a barbarian point

Thank you You are right you will need it a lot You have both arrived At the secret tunnel It is blocked by a huge rock What do you do? Oh brother I We lift

We lift the rock Of course you lift it Yeah You were expecting a twist to this scene Because you have lifted so many things But no man We probably make walrus sounds while we are doing it No you don't

You just lift it in silence It's a nice lift opportunity And you both agree to take it It's not even fanfare is made out of it You just lift it together and throw it aside So we do let it We are not going to carry this around on accident Nope not carrying this one

I have specified good barbarian point Good barbarian instincts To question whether or not you are still carrying things I am a fast learner So stupid that is an issue Ismina before you enter Ismina warns you that Kadar has become so in love

With queen canary that he has neglected All his other women in his harem Be careful in there You are not in love with a knowing wink She specifically wants you to fuck your way Through this rescue mission So please keep that in mind Noted?

If you could write that down on your character sheets Oh yeah I feel like my special abilities Would not include love making just because I grew up in a dog cage most of my life And the only person I have made out with is my twin brother Right You are both virgins and if you are not

It's a tragedy You have invaded the king's private harem Naked women are asleep Everywhere What do you as barbarian brothers That have never seen women do? Walrus noises Maximum volume of walrus noises

Oh yeah A duet Just a croaking duet Like frogs at night No the answer is you cover them with your cloak Like gentlemen After a light grope Well

Again that's also very Conan Yeah that's about as best as we could expect From that That's your chivalry I'm both happy and disappointed That it ended like that That's what you get Alright so Queen Canary is in a cage

In the middle of the room You find her easily but she will not leave She knows that Kadar will follow her Wherever she goes She tells you to retrieve the ruby Which the old man hid in a place called Lime Tree in the forbidden lands That's where your ancestor

Is buried the gold in exchange For the belly stone of happiness Right it's all coming together This is good screenwriting We buried it like in exchange for the ruby It wasn't give the money to someone And buy the ruby it was go bury the gold In exchange

In a swamp I guess it's our fault Asking who we traded it to At the beginning Yep you see the barbarian problem right there We've got to check if you're carrying something You've got to check if there's a person to trade For

Otherwise you're just going to bury shit like dogs Yeah Anyway she also tells you that the belly stone Is guarded by a fierce dragon And nobody can defeat him Without the sacred weapons Which are hidden in the tomb of the ancient king I bet that dragon is in such a good mood

Just write all that down It's all relevant information I put it all down yeah got it You have all of the information you need And it's time to leave But you're forgetting something Gore You forgot your cloak

The one you stole and never needed What do you do? Can I get it back From the sleeping naked harem women? Oh you can try You try to retrieve it This wakes the woman And you are instantly molested by the entire harem

You love this Of course Kuchek they tackle you into the woman Pile as well what do you do I lift the women The one time I mean you had them you had it as a cantrip You make walrus noises

These women pile on top of you And you begin going Oh wait this could be our moment To shine we could juggle them all Using all those You forgot that you had that You had a plus two proficiency in juggling I bet a harem would really like to be juggled

Yeah Well you've already lifted one woman It wouldn't be out of character So we cut away from this scene As all of the women ride to top you And you make erotic walrus noises We do expressly Cut back to Queen Canary

Still in her cage to show that she's watching you Her precious children I guess Bang every woman she's ever known Okay Is she making a move to like get in on this No she's in a cage still She just expressly watches you get down Movie wanted you to know that your mom likes it when you bang

It's a real nice movie I like this movie Yeah it's classy So you escape the city without further incident I know it really seems like there should have been Further incident there It's not However after you leave one of the harem girls

Who I guess you didn't bang good enough Told the evil sorceress china your plans And she gathers her forces And they follow you Oh no Yeah Kadar however Is furious because before she left She whips Queen Canary whom he loves

So he follows her in a rage So you have two rival forces Kadars and the evil sorceresses Following you But they kind of hate each other Okay If we were smarter We could use this to our advantage

I don't think it's going to work out Remember that you're probably not However remember that everybody is at least At least as stupid as you You have outsmarted several people Okay You have arrived At the tomb of the ancient king

Oh man I'm so sorry It's just rocks to move What do you do? Oh yeah we got this Last time I lifted and I was wrong This time I'm going to be right When I say walrus noises

Can we do a combo Walrus noises and lifting That should do it Ah half credit Hell yeah you lift It's another good lift scene Nice I was twitching but no comments

Or no reasoning for this Just a good lift scene and you toss it aside Alright This world was really not prepared for two dudes To just be really strong Nope it was not made for two dudes to be strong And sometimes working together And not very smart

Oh there's a werewolf Sorry there's a werewolf Wherewolf snatches his mina Well I have dealt with Dog battles before Throw a stick at the nearest non dog Good logic I'm going to give you a barbarian point for that

You tried to learn It's not quite correct You pull its arm straight off Like it's not even going to fight The werewolf jumps out and you pull its arm off And then you make walrus noises at it Right at the werewolf This is the end of the segment

You just fucking wrecked that werewolf And it cussed to him real quick Yeah this is fantastic The sorceress china is way better At like all of this than you She has arrived at the ruby already Lime tree, the forbidden land It's like two city blocks and she just found it

Didn't we have like two or three quests We had to go on first Oh yeah you still got to do them She's already there She's dealing with the dragon Not quite yet The undead rise from the swamp and attack her men She does not give a shit

She snatches the ruby and the dragon awakes Actual dragon I bet you thought this wasn't the kind of movie With an actual dragon budget And you were right Okay So you were in there You got in the tomb

You fucked up that werewolf so bad Like maybe more than you needed to You have claimed the sacred weapons of the king Kucek, mark this down You now have a golden axe The king Gore, you got a golden sword Oh yeah

And you both do a little bit We're like I want the sword And then you trade and then you trade back And one of you is happy and the other is You know, classic bit Is Mina is there and she has a bow Remember that too Because it's time for another werewolf attack

He has regenerated his arms What do you do? I tear them off again Each one gets an arm That would be great The internal logic would be so wonderful Both of you mark down barbarian points And in fact, you're just barbarian level

Oh yeah You both get one extra walrus noise Even though they're unlimited And one extra lift even though they're unlimited My favorite Unlimited plus one walrus noises And lift I know the werewolf attacks

He's roaring My theory in the entrance way Is Mina shoots him with an arrow Before he's finished roaring He falls over, dead Gore, you then lop off his head He never did anything and never stood Any kind of chance

Yeah, he just was a He was living in a bad neighborhood apparently You now have A werewolf head We're keeping it What do you do with that werewolf head? Can I balance it on my shoulder It looks like I have a second head

That'll be a good way to tell us apart too Yeah, yeah Because he's the one with a second werewolf head You know what, I'm going to count that It's correct because the real answer is You mock it extensively Rightfully so Walrus noises in its face

You shake it around You pretend to bark and howl And snarl and spit at it Is Mina just kind of bored of this shit? I have a quick production question You think this scene was ad-libbed by the barbarian brothers? Yeah, I'm going to go ahead and say Yeah, I'm going to go ahead and say

After about a minute, everything Is improvised By them Perhaps I'm even being Over-generous This may have been entirely improbable They may have written this for all I know Yeah, I was going to ask, is there a writer credited

On this movie? Oh, probably But I still don't think they did it And we're just like, I'm not going to let some nerd that Words tell me what to do Stupid writing, we're going to do this shit So, you are now In the swamps of lime tree, the forbidden lands

You are near the ruby and the undead attack you What do you know? You just fucking rocked them, you rocked them all You rocked them all with one punch, they were no challenge Nothing challenges you You're just fortresses of pecs and quads You're also some more Of sorcerers, Chinese men come up

And you fucking demolish them too What about it, you're the best I like the high fox, that's really good Nothing has ever challenged you You're beginning to think Nothing ever will And then there is a dragon Did we remember to drop the wolf man head?

No, you still have that somewhere I'm assuming, it's not specifically shown But unless you drop something You're carrying it, we've established that It's in my loincloth There is a dragon now It's so goofy It's kind of like a penis turtle

But with like a skin dog head But more lovable than that I didn't like any of those motions Yeah, but it's like a muppet of that So it's kind of cute It's kind of a cute penis turtle With a skin dog head I don't want to look it up

Because I don't want to spoil any of the act 3 Yeah, you can look all of this up And get your barbarian fill later Right now, remember You have the sacred weapon You have a werewolf head apparently You might have a woman you're still carrying I don't know

You are just an unstoppable train Of push-ups and squat thrusts You are faced with a dragon Nothing has ever challenged you What do you do? It feels like you're leading us Into something unexpected But barbarians don't do the unexpected

We walrus noise Yeah, I'm going to agree With my golden sword aside Specifically And then do walrus noises I like the instinct To throw your weapon away I'm going to give you three barbarian points for that

No, for some reason you both run away And hide in a hole I knew you were trying to lead us to that It's a double trap You let Izmina Just lead the dragon over the hole For you, so she takes all of the risk While you two stab it from below

And you Still completely rock this dragon Receive absolutely no resistance And are never in danger Do we at least get covered With dragon blood or anything Or is that not in the budget? Yes, you do

Like you said, I don't know on television You just get covered In goop However, there is now a dead dragon Over your hole, what do you do? Oh man, how are we going to get out of this one, Gore? I can't even imagine I need that answer

Would you like to lift or walrus noise? Both, obviously Same Let's do it I think the walrus noises might give you extra power Or at least perhaps are how you vent Your excess power Yeah, that does, that makes internal logic

That makes sense, this whole thing Anyway, it might kill us In this enclosed space though Somehow lifting Is not the answer You instead climb inside the dragon Where you find the sorceress china Already dead in its stomach

And the ruby is just sitting there So you take it Things just work out for you You're so big You just generate luck Like its gravity And that's seriously how one of the two main villains dies Offscreen and you just find her corpse

And you get the ruby, good job Let's crawl out, what do you think Crawl out the mouth or the butt? One out of each, obviously Oh, perfect, I'll take the butt That part isn't shown so I'm going to assume That they do exactly that And just reverse tag team this dragon

Yeah, we high five and then I go out the butt He goes out the mouth Reverse Eiffel Tower, nice So you are now sending Kara away with the ruby To bring it to your people You said Kara again Who's Kara?

We are at this point You forgot to make it a big reveal That Izmina is Kara And you have called her Kara just several times On accident And now you both just know that she's Kara Where it is never specifically stated That's fair

So yeah, she's the girl when you were playing When you were kids That makes sense Yeah, I got it now But that would be crazy So it's never addressed Kara has the ruby and she is bringing it back To your people, she now leaves

Just two barbarian brothers on their own Having a good time She doesn't want to be around us anymore Kadar has arrived in the Forbidden Lands And Queen Canary is with him And she uses her magic On him To force him

To kill her No second step She dies Because she wanted to The ruby Goes dark in Kara's hands When Canary dies and she has found your people And they all despair

Their happiness has gone Gone from the world That's a real bummer Meanwhile, you two Are still in the lime tree swamps There is hissing gas around you Gore, what do you do? I try to dissipate the gas

By swinging my golden sword So close, you yell at it And this works, the gas stops And now to the both of you You are ambushed by Kadar He charges at you on horseback What do you do? I think lifting might be a pretty good idea

Do we still have a dragon corpse nearby? We didn't specify that you dropped it So I'm gonna assume Can we lift the dragon corpse And throw it at Kadar? Great barbarian logic You get another barbarian point However, that's not correct

The answer is he's charging you It's a big dramatic moment The answer is you do nothing You just appear to be confused by loud noises And wild shapes That doesn't sound like us It feels like a whole life is Loud noises and crazy shapes

Except for this, you're automatically unprepared Maybe because somebody else is making them That is confusing Now that you explain it that way We do this You don't do this So he's charging it He stopped, now he sheaths his sword

And he turns around He walks his horse backward towards you For a few steps And his back turns to you What do you do? This feels like a trap of some kind This feels like the most obvious trap That's ever been set up

Which means obviously I'm gonna go stab him in the back Correct You both do not care or catch on that it's a trap You're not worried about honor You're barbarians, you don't have honor So you approach to kill him from behind When all of a sudden the trap is sprung Kadar turns around and stabs you

That's the trap, isn't it? He stabs you Pretty clever Well played, Kadar Can't be mad at this guy Now you're both stabbed and he charges again What do you do? Nothing worked last time

I'll give you a hint on this one Remember This is a Conan ripoff Okay, I know what to do now We're punching that horse You're fucking punching that horse That's exactly what you do You gotta have a horse punching scene in a Conan ripoff

Good call Alright, he is unhorsed And it turns out Kadar has a crossbow This whole time And he just remembered to pull it out I punched the horse again I have not stopped You don't even know

You're just over there beating that horse today Yeah That makes perfect sense to me You're bold Tag team in this horse Dropping flying elbows That's twin rhythm Bash, bash, bash, bash

No That's a great answer I actually want to give you both 10 barbarian points You've leveled up again You of course still have the werewolf head The werewolf head will now speak To your enemies and warn them against fucking with you Dang

The werewolf head gains Don't fuck with me Well fuck with these guys, man I was just fronting in They really fucked me up bad Don't do it Can I flex hard enough to break his crossbow From like a distance?

I will allow that As a secondary bonus action You do have flex as a bonus action At all times But no You both give up You just put your weapons down You puff out your chests and you wait for death

This works Kadar's crossbow just jams So you throw your sword into his chest Killing him And that's it, that's a final fight That's how the other major villain of this movie dies It's amazing He pulls out a crossbow

It's clear he only has one bolt And you both just say alright well I'm dead And then hits crossbow jams And you kill him I'm concerned that there were no other stakes in the movie Like the gems There were never stakes The gem is inert

Everyone we know is fine Give or take Their magic gem but You'll be relieved to hear the ruby lights up again Oh That's good I didn't even know that was on the table, that's fantastic Yeah, it's not explained why that happened

That means the Ragnaks Can choose another queen So they gather all the versions of the tribe Which I guess is a requirement for their stripper queen Who wears this thing in her belly button That was us like 20 minutes ago Does this include us? No, we banged all those ladies at the harem

Oh that's right, the harem Yeah, you banged them in front of your mother Remember You're as far from a virgin And I would argue that what you did to that dragon Also counts We also watched Our mom commits suicide

Like this has been a traumatic week And you don't care You don't care about any of it It turns out there are only two virgins In this entire tribe of sexy entertainers Who clearly just travel from village to village Fucking everybody So Ibar

The leader of the tribe He places the happiness ruby In each one's belly button But it does not stay That means they're not queen Or they're not virgins And they lied Possibly

This whole thing is very flexible Because next they hold Kara down She protests the whole time And it's kind of an uncomfortable scene As they're having her hold her down I don't like this, I'd like to do one walrus noise To express my displeasure You're not here yet

My walrus noise carries pretty well That's true I'll let you do it It's pretty good All right, I'll allow it Everybody looks up suddenly It's just thrown by this walrus noise But then they go right back to it

They try to force the ruby on her She complains that she's not a virgin Right? And then Ibar says Well, this is no time for subtleties So I guess he's implying Maybe she's only done like hand stuff Maybe butt stuff

I don't know what this is But this is the rule of It's very flexible This ruby has some real flexible definitions Of virginity They place the ruby in her belly button It stays and she is an involuntary queen And now she's voluntary though

She loves it I don't like that message But there it is This is a bad ending To a grand adventure We're not quite there We've got a little bit to go Your people now with their queen

And the power of happiness Are out looking for you But you have gotten lost In the forbidden lands What do you do? I assume we lift something forbidden Yeah, I think that's pretty good Walrus noise might be nice

Yeah The werewolf head Maybe isn't super handy But I think we should have it out just in case Yeah, like hold in front of us Or turn or something What are you doing? Walrus noise

7 out of 10 volume Thank you I'm so proud of you Yes, your people are looking for you You're lost in the forbidden lands And you make the loudest walrus noise yet Does everybody have a walrus noise? You want to make one?

Perfect That is how your people find you Your problem of the movie solved With walrus noises They find you, you're reunited You have a new queen Your people are saved You're all riding off on a wagon

Together Your brother has just made Kind of a smirky joke It's the end of the movie What do you do? Full punch to the face You freeze frame While credits roll boys

God damn it I should have seen that coming That freeze frame really saved you from a punch gore Yeah, that probably would have happened afterwards And you have just beaten The barbarians Congratulations, you're both excellent Level 3, I believe, barbarians

Yeah, I think I ended up with 21 barbarian points Weirdly, I think I got 21 as well Oh, fantastic We are twins Perfect twins, that's so good I was really kind of hoping that the very end Was going to be some kind of twist

In that That Kadar was the good guy the whole time And our village just Really sucked I mean, I think an argument Could be made for that Like, I don't really know who the hero is They do live in the weeds and hang intruders

Like everything they had was gone And now they're just savage murderers Yeah Yeah, pretty much And you're just Also Trained meat weapons That have committed

At least light sexual assault so far Although it turns out they were later into it I still don't think that's okay I think technically we're the victims of sexual assault Yeah, it's both It can be both Alright, well that's it for the podcast I have a proposition here

Do you guys Want a freeze frame to credits? Oh, yeah Oh, sweet. Alright, well uh I'll count us down Three, two, one Freeze frame The Cosmoverse is in trouble once again

The Cosmoverse is in trouble once again Evil Count Spacula And his Star Boys Have captured Princess Aether And it's up to the Supremes To save her now The Universe needs Wienertron

To your lion Three finger Louis Adrian H Alpha Scientist Jabbo Armando Nava Euform The Head Benjamin Cironin

Brandon Garlock Bim Talzer You're the left leg Breanne Whitney Brockway Loves the Meat Millie Dr. Awkward Chad You're the right leg

Eric Spalding Dean Costello Chase McPherson You pilot the right arm Chris Brower K&M Laziest man on Mars Curious glare

You're on left arm duty Dan B You're the left hand Jell-O-Ho Ken Paisley Ham Bone You're on torso patrol Haraka

Hot Bart Jabber Al Aiden You're You're the right hand Patrick Herbst Rev John Dean Left foot

John McCammon Right foot John Minkoff Josh Fabian Josh S is The Gyrating Hips Mark Matt Cortez

Mad Riley Mojo N.D. Neil Bailey Neil Schaefer Nick Ralston You're the pancreas Everything needs a pancreas

Nick H Rhiannon Rich Jocelyn Sarkovsky You're the ego Donald Finney Timi Lehi You do this without you

You're the hair Toasty God Aaron Crosston Tom Secula We need you to be The glasses Fancy Shark Yosarian

And Cerell You're the third leg You know what I mean Cerell Look I'm trying to be a gentleman here But fine you getting that cock line