The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - Dogg Zzone 9000 - Episode 58, The Dirt Bike Kid... with Jason Pargin!

Episode Date: January 26, 2022

Seanbaby and Brockway bring on special guest Jason Pargin to talk about The Dirt Bike Kid, the whimsical children's movie about a sentient magical dirt bike! This may be our darkest podcast yet.

1-900-HOTDAUGH 1-900-HOTDAUGH Our podcast slams with maximum hype Say HotDog Podcast work Yeah When you taste that nitrate power You're in the dog zone for an hour Come on

Do not remember 1-900-HOTDAUGH 1-900-HOTDAUGH 1-900-HOTDAUGH 1-900-HOTDAUGH 1-900-HOTDAUGH 1-900-HOTDAUGH Yeah, 9000

Welcome to the Dog Zone! I'm the internet's Sean Baby and this is the official podcast for 1-900-HOTDAUGH the very last comedy website I'm here with the illustrious Bobby the Barbarian, Robert Brockway I'm here with the relevant Brockway fact When I was 13

I jump-kicked a man in the balls with the motorcycle No follow-up questions, I don't know why you need them Yeah, don't need any Also joining us is our dear friend, best-selling author Jason Parjan This is a momentous day

for people who are fans of my floating podcast that I do from one show to the next Jason's distributed pirate podcast Yeah, I think in 2021 I did 35 hours of podcasts across 8 different shows but never

That was just 4 of our shows Yeah, but people ask sometimes Jason why don't you have your own podcast and obviously the answer is because if you have your own show you have to do the hard parts which are the editing

arranging all of the technical back-end stuff instead of just showing up and talking about things For people who are fans of just me and just follow me from show to show or people who are fans of the dog zone and only like the episodes I'm on This is a huge day That's me

That's most everybody, yeah Because for 2 straight years I have been on here promoting the same book and... Oh my god, is it gonna happen? For literally the entire time the dog zone has existed I have only ever been on here

promoting one project one book and I finally have a new book to promote It takes me 2 years to write a book every 2 years I get to turn the page and start promoting a new book which again, for an author

the writing part is the tedious part It's the promoting of the book that we all actually enjoy This is where I come alive This is where you shine Any great author I'll tell you that I have a new book that is up for pre-order now

that you know if you're a reader of 1900 Hot Dog you're already aware of this If you only experience this website in audio form then this is the news The new book is called If This Book Exists You're In The Wrong Universe

It is the 4th book in the John Dies at the end series the one that got turned into a movie This is not a joke It's a real book that exists anywhere you can buy books You can possibly have a link to one of the pre-order things in the podcast description I don't know if not It is not that difficult for you to just

go search that title on Amazon or Barnes & Noble Borders still exist? Is that gone? Beat Alton Booksellers I don't know Whatever bookstores are left

Name some book chains Amazon Internet We're trying to Amazon UK Anyway So yes

As you know I am a full time novelist since bailing out of crack in whatever year that was 2020 I guess This is literally the only thing I do You will hear other authors They will be on Twitter

and they will be apologizing saying oh gosh guys I'm so sorry to spam you with book news but yeah I got the new book out I'm really sorry That is the only reason If you're not using Twitter to sell some other thing

you're a sicko There's something wrong with you I do not apologize for using Twitter or Facebook or any other platform to get you to buy my books It's the only thing keeping me alive Otherwise I'm just literally donating my time and energy

to the Twitter corporation for them to sell banner ads I mean that's a noble cause Yes somebody needs to do it It's like the guy I knew in college who started a porn site and it was free with no ads It's just like a charity operation

It's like for some reason that's filthier to me than doing it for money What's the URL on that? What's the URL for your friends free website? It's just all him all the time The only thing if you went to a brothel and you're like no it's free, no charge You could not for one second think

about stepping foot in that place like oh okay so I'm the product You're going to be recording me and then selling videos of it Which again was the plot of Bordello of Blood So we've come full circle to a different podcast I guess I'm in play

We made it ten minutes without mentioning Dennis Did not think there was going to be a Miller impression in this podcast You can never tell At this point the fans demand it You've got to make like a game based on betting whether or not there's a Miller impression and how long

into the podcast it goes That's the home game the 1900 hot dog home game The idea for this show was kind of yours Jason because you were going to pitch an article about the scene in this movie where the young boy

works off the motorcycle which movie is this Well I think everyone knows from that description already we're talking about the 80's film The Dirt by Kid If you're crazy about magic ready for romance and while about winning

this movie's for you That's the tagline That whole paragraph All four of those taglines are the tagline And yes I'm sorry to interrupt I just realized we hadn't said the title We have one more time with the relevant scene that Jason pitched a column for

The Dirt by Kid and early in the film the young boy takes the muddy dirt bike and wipes it down and it's all droopy and after he starts gently stroking it to the sexy song You may or may not have I don't know if we're going to leave that in

I did sing the song before we started the podcast To a song about love this boy strokes his motorcycle and it starts to get a what you and I might call a boner and that happened in a real movie and Jason was like I'm going to write about this

and then he went out on that site and searched for site colon one nine hundred hot dog dot com space boner and of course found that Brockway had already done that very early and I had already written about this exact scene at that exact

angle To paint a word picture this the column that I wrote was about proving that this was a crime against humanity for you to depict this on film and I stand by that because the movie itself in brief

just describes and shows how sentient and how it has free will this dirt bike so it's its own person we've not established this it is not a pornography as a passion project

it stars the kid from a Christmas story Peter and Billingsley correct and it's in that genre of movie make sure you're picturing that child masturbating a dirt bike to completion and it's the scene where he discovers that the filthy old dirt bike that he found

or in the movie we'll get into the plot but it's the scene where he realizes it's alive and magical and the way they choose to convey that is while he is cleaning it up its fender is bent over curled under because it's all wrecked and mashed up in the exact shape

of a flaccid penis and the exact shape of a flaccid human dong and as he's wiping it with a cloth it raises up into its old fender position which perfectly mimics a human bone and here's the only edge of love

here's what sold me is that there's a slight moment of hesitation as it drips down and then grows back up so it's got the little troop and then like this was modeled carefully to show a human getting an erection and the bike knew what it was doing it's a sentient bike it's shown having

like physical sensation speaking English having free will this bike knew about this relationship and what was going on with this erotic hand bath that he is given by a child and was okay with it as we listen to standing on the edge of love

there's no way this was not a scene about a magical dirt bike getting a hand job from the kid from the Christmas story. We all agree right? Yes. But I'm going to pause it for this the basis of this episode not the strangest choice in this movie.

No, there are other more baffling scenes than that it's just that's very fewer this erotic. The movie is completely insane like it's overshadowed like I had to focus in because I needed to write a column just about this scene which I'm sure you understand we both arrived

independently at the importance of this moment in cinema but yeah start to finish this movie is fucking nuts it's like everything I swear to god it might be a parody of the 80s but like in the middle of the 80s like they're parodying things that came later.

I got that vibe the director only directed at like a zany news show like full on like Kentucky Fried movie type zany and that was his only credit before this movie so it was

he might have made this as a parody like as a sarcastic like I'm going to make such an 80s structured movie that like makes fun of all these tropes. And then he told nobody else involved. Right. Like you'd never get that from the tone and the script is by

Roger Corman's wife? Yeah well the story at least is she came up with the she just stormed into the office one day and was like I had a dream about a child giving a dirt bike a hand job. You're on it. Wait wait wait say that again. No. His eyes turned to dollar signs.

Fuck no. Just start. Okay so I do want to step back and set this up a little bit because I think some of our younger listeners who don't vividly remember the 80s or they only know the 80s from watching Stranger Things there's

There was an episode about this. That you that yeah we have to kind of establish because I like I wrote an article about this Sylvester Stallone movie Cobra which was in 1987 maybe somewhere around there

and I said when you watch it it's actually extremely difficult to tell are they doing straightforward 80s action or is this a parody of 80s action because it doesn't seem like Sly Stallone

was if nothing else he did not know if it was he was unaware of it and there's no one involved whose pedigree would suggest they would be that they would be able to do like this close in the sharp of a parody. But if you took Sylvester Stallone in that scene and replaced him with Leslie Nielsen

don't change a second of it don't change the timing don't change the word he walks into the room and pulls out an old piece of cold pizza and cuts it in half with like barber shears like you're like this is so weird and funny the freezer pulls it out of the freezer yeah you would you'd be like oh that's

so wacky and random and to the state with the question that I made the point I made in that column was the question of was this self-aware or not I'm telling you if you lived in the 80s you would understand that that question was meaningless back then

yeah there's no such thing like there's a Rocky IV Sylvester Stallone solved the cold war by punching a Russian man hard enough that it brought world peace I bought every second of that no one in the audience was laughing or saying oh this is ridiculous we just walked out

theater like yeah that's this is what movies should do this is how they should be if you're asking me did they know when they made the Dirtbite Kid to just circle back and establish on the box of the Dirtbite Kid VHS tape

it would look like a bog standard cookie cutter kids movie a million of which existed in the 80s which was kid who was from some kind of a broken home usually parents are divorced or one parent is dead encounters some sort of magical companion

it could be an alien it could be a sentient bicycle something whatever they go on some kind of an adventure and have to save their home their marriage something and then always a business always a small business from a banker

yeah and then at the end the magical being goes back home or leaves it's kind of frost you the snowman it's kind of ET but it is a standard template so I actually don't if they made this as a parody it is

on a whole it's on a level because there's so much of a feel sincere or as one of you posited moments ago I don't know which one because your voices are identical to me and I like they're quite frankly as are all other humans yeah it's

it's extremely possible that some people in the movie were shooting it like a parody and other people thought they were playing it straight but for example something we'll get into is this movie has the standard 80's funny rapist character

right but whether or not they are doing a commentary on the funny rapist character or else they're just saying isn't it funny that this guy is a rapist it is impossible to say if you could go back in time and interview everyone on that set you would never get an answer

yeah that actor was the 15th rapist I played this year I played one in the skateboard buddies I played one in ATV comes to life I played one in snow patrol everyone a children's movie hot dog the movie

there's a lot of hot dogs in this movie which was pretty great yeah that's not something I touched on a lot in my column because again I really zeroed in on the ascension motorcycle hand drop thing gave me kind of tunnel vision but yeah this whole movie turns on

the hot dog this is about this young boy finding a magical dirt bike in order to save his local hot dog joint called Mike's dog house so do we just walk do you want to walk through the plot in the order that it occurs I know we have

extensive notes on this is that how you've arranged your absolutely that's the let's do it let's see the big boys bustin burn which is what I wrote in my notes something that television said yeah

it starts off and they're trying to 80s movies another thing they're very efficient so in just the first 30 seconds we see this kid completely zoned out watching a dirt bike race on TV his floor is just covered in dirt bike debris just any dirt bike prop they could find

they threw on the floor he's just snacking while his very very single mother it just can't handle all this so she's on the phone trying to get a job while like things are burning in the kitchen and someone on the 80s screams

she's so 80s yes in my notes where the dirt bike selling point was see the racers battle for trophies five count them five feet high I thought these are high stakes is the thing

so I can appreciate how like we're just barely into the movie and we know so much like we the only way we could know more is if like she tripped on an urn that said like beloved husband died in a quote accident like it's that efficient

yeah to be clear this movie is like 82 minutes long they used to not waste your time and 19 minutes of which is motorcycle hand job the um I think this happens somewhere in the 90s where people in movies

started to like demand an explanation or like make a comment on how something doesn't make sense like in gremlins too someone's like well what the fuck feed him after midnight that doesn't make any sense what if and he has at least questions whereas in gremlins one he's like don't feed him after midnight no questions fine I don't get I'm not gonna want to hear about time zones I don't want to hear

about when you can start feeding them again I don't care I get it and things were better than yeah people in the 80s in a movie they just went with it so as you'll see in this film like a magical dirt bike that can think and move on its own no one in the entire film

takes one moment to say what the fuck is that how's that happening it just doesn't happen so get it out of your head right now yeah there's no backstory where the bike is like imbued with the spirit of some brave writer who died while writing his dead father who died while dirt biking

it's yeah there's no but in this opening scene Sean what is the mother's reaction to the fact that her child is watching the tv too loud while she is struggling to to be a mother what does she do she's like not happy about it

but uh doesn't care too much well she charges out and cuts the cord of the television she cuts the power cord of the tv with a pair of scissors oh well that's like I was that's skipping ahead yeah like that was after the bacon burned and the fire alarm went off

which again is like two minutes it's two minutes we're not skipping ahead we're skipping at it 15 seconds but yeah she does cut the cord of the tv with some scissors causing Cobra style no reason she like pulls up the cord and looks at him dead in the eye and grabs her shears and just

chops the cord instead of just turning the television off who's the mother you say it you fucking say it the next scene is amazing though it's one of my favorite quotes is when she like he's zoned out and she says how do you expect to get through life and the kid immediately

says on an 80cc dirt bike fuck fuck yeah well on board with this you gotta give him that answer yeah you gotta give him that answer you're like fair enough yeah because the lesson of this movie is ultimately going to be every problem

including financial difficulties for a small business can be solved by a sentient dirt bike and should none of which includes using the dirt bike to win a bunch of money in a dirt bike race how is that not what this movie is about

how is that not what this movie is about it's okay I kept waiting not to skip too far ahead it does include at one point the dirt bike breaking into a board meeting of bankers and it goes well to protest the morality of banking

through dirt bike mime yeah which it cannot speak it can only wiggle its headlights and make motorcycle noises here's where I'm going to and I know we've only recapped the first 45 seconds of the plot and I'm already stopping but

I want to explain to the listener I don't know if it's true of these other two guys who host the show I've already forgotten their names but my favorite type of bad movie is where they tried to make a very lazy cookie cutter

movie it's clear somebody sat down and said okay we got 100 grand we're going to make a revenge movie or we're going to make a kung fu movie or we're going to make whatever a magical ET rip off with a dirt bike

but when they sat down to write it realized there's like a bunch of stuff filled in to make a full movie like the formula is a few basic elements and it's when filling in all of the other stuff the insanity emerges because there's a

boring version of this movie there's probably one playing on the lifetime channel right now or the hallmark channel or on streaming but it's when you see them try to make a boring cookie cutter movie and accidentally turn it into a carnival of madness

somebody behind it either on purpose or on accident like every idea they had to like fill in the gaps between the scenes that you know are there so for example the standard scene where the child meets the magical being like an ET it was when he throws

the baseball into the shed you guys remember that from childhood here it's him giving a hand job to the motorcycle where were we in the movie I guess the mother gives the kid $50 steel gigaroshis she's like you're a total fuck up I just killed our TV here's our last $50 bill go get groceries

to be clear this is going to be important later it's their last $50 and they are out of food right and and it's Jack and the Beanstalk we're just starting Jack and the Beanstalk to do this fucking magic dirt bike movie it's the laziest thing I've ever

raked to the dirt bike track he leaves the house and goes straight to the dirt bike track which is exactly what his mother would have he told her I live my life on 180cc dirt bike where do you expect he has a friend Bo who is I guess like a 10 year old pervert

he's just watching titties bounce this is like the 80's trope that I like this one died I want to say didn't even make it all the way through the 80's but there were so many 80's movies that had a 10 year old pervert and I don't know why that was a thing like prepubescent the kid looks

and acts and moves like a sex criminals ventriloquist dummy he's terrifying and his only personality trait is I want to fuck and like this was not unusual for the 80's it's so weird not a teenager at all he has not gone through puberty but his

character arc at the end of this movie a spoiler the last time you see him he will have successfully picked up two adult babes he has a threesome to have a threesome with we don't see them have a threesome obviously but it's implied there was an instinct

they bang in the hot dog restaurant so do you guys have any notes the rhyme that he says when we first see him he's watching that woman jump up and down and she's shaking he says something more bounce to the ounce

yeah he says it's a human fact there's more bounce to the ounce which is nothing like that's like it means nothing it's like saying dinner of those boobs man moon man's boobs it's just nothing it has something to do with tits but it's not a phrase or

colloquialism he's a child and doesn't fully understand what this is he's just like trying to figure out how to purve he doesn't know how to creep yet this is first creep steps speaking of creeps he's approached by an old man who's just clearly magical

by the musical sting and the fact that he walks out of nowhere which he does again so he literally appears out from behind a tree and just I'm a magical old man because this was the time in the 80s when mysterious old men could just wander up to children and talk about the magic

that they have just an unattended boy meeting a creepy old man who came alone to the dirt bike track anyway so he he sees his friend his bully is Max who's in the dirt bike race

and his dirt bike is not agreeing with him so he's doing it and this is sort of played like a guy kicking a dog like it's very sad to to Jack our hero and so the old man is like he's not right that the very special dirt bike but not for him you need to have

be the right special boy and are you the right special boy yeah it's really creepy in the with the 20 22 lens so Max can it's obviously the fastest dirt bike on the track so Max like when it starts

going he like passes everybody easily and then the bike just stops twice and they do this bit twice where he passes everybody and then the bike will like stop working and the second time it throws him into a mud puddle is like a joke like the bike is fucking with him and that's it

that's how they established to us the viewer that this is a magical living bike I think Jack knows at this time too because he is not surprised later when he washes it in the garage and it gets a boner he's not like oh this makes no sense he's like oh my god given

okay I want to I want to make something clear at no point anywhere in this film will any character express surprise that this bike is alive there's it whatever whatever coping they did with that is happens off screen like everyone

sees the bike driving by itself or whatever and they just treat it the way you would treat like if a person was doing something annoying like I said it's that sentient dirt bike trying to break into the bank again so so the kid offers $50 to max

for the bike and he's like no it's worth more than $50 and then Beau the pervert says what if he throws in his BMX bike and a backpack and so it's a deal like he

spends the less of the money and let's see god what do I have next I have my notes that this poor actress is just barely not Goldie Hawn his mother who's like really mad about him buying this dirt bike

but she's just like so close to Goldie Hawn but not all the way her name's Ann Bloom I looked her up and she did a guest on Magnum PI Airwolf, The Amazing Spider-Man Nightcourt, Doogie Hauser and The Greatest American Hero it's like the 1985 equivalent of an e-gauze

like if you have that on your resume that's something well you look exactly like that like that show, every episode of all those shows need a woman who looks almost like Goldie Hawn a TV version of Goldie Hawn this was one of her very rare feature films

she didn't act a lot after this not that she did a bad job so she's mad about the bike and rightfully so because the kid turned $50 and a $90 bike into a $2,000 motorcycle she'd be really upset about that lady although they are now going to starve that was their last

they now have no food and no money and she has no job so they are they are going to slowly get weak from hunger right but um they can eat their love I guess it's the 80s so then this is, he's very much in trouble

she's furious and disappointed and he sneaks out of his room and that's the hand job scene where I'll talk about I don't think we need to describe that again it's soapy and erotic very inappropriate do you in fact cut this?

to standing on the edge of love once again I will sing it again there's a bit they do on Twitter these days where somebody will lie and say well I fed an algorithm 2000 internet memes and it produced this one

80s song like credits opening credits song then had it make you a new one it would be that song it's so like 80s kid riding to school on his bicycle or riding a skateboard to school on his bicycle over the opening credits

that it's almost impossible to believe and there are some lyrics about like doing your best and getting what you go for but for the most part it's a love song it is a love song which makes me think it might have been appropriated from something else we need a dirt bike kid theme song

well I got this love song I've been working on no one wants it do you think it would work between a kid and a bike? I don't see why not wildly inappropriate what if I told you they have a very sexual thing going get the fuck out of my office

it just comes to life and takes off with the kid on it on a wheelie most of the movie he spends on a wheelie because they decided that's a pretty good way to hide the stuntman's face the 200 pound stuntman picture the kid from Christmas

story if you've seen a Christmas story he's very small even for whatever age he is like pick an age he's tiny for it people know him today he was the guy in Iron Man who couldn't figure out how to make the reactor and Jeff Bridges is like

Tony Stark made this in a fucking cave not Tony Stark he's that guy that's him grown up and then he fixes a problem by giving a handjob to the reactor that's exactly how he does it I got some script notes

and they're like yeah put it in so that's why there's a cut of Iron Man where he gives the big robot a handjob and Obadiah Stain is like yes the voter makes me mindier than Iron Man I'm standing at the edge I'm standing at the edge

I lost my place in my notes again because we're fucking around we're on the handjob how can you lose the handjob scene the handjob is just peppered through the entire thing it just resonated through my entire page of notes okay so

he immediately gets seen by the cops because he's driving he's a child on a dirt bike going way over the speed limit so the cops chase him and I don't know the rules on this I don't even think like dirt bikes are street legal so I think you can drive them as a kid because they're technically not vehicles that are governed by the laws

but as soon as you're like on a road that's publicly owned you can't have it on there anyway so it doesn't matter if you're 30 or 10 like it's illegal to have it so the cop is right to chase him do these very state to state do you guys know about this are we going to go into the legalities

the state laws about it's illegal in all of them to give a dirt bike a handjob again well probably not Missouri yes we can all agree to that so anyway he's chasing this dirt bike all the way into the city

and it goes up a fire escape and the cop just chases it as if he's going to follow him up a fire escape and just smashes it to the wall like the whole fucking patrol car is trashed and so that's it that's the first thing the dirt bike kid does is trash a police car and then fly

then it flies like it's a jump it does the ET thing where it flies thousands of feet in the air and now this is a flying magical dirt bike and nothing has prepared you for this so far the boy says what are you doing and that's it that's as close as anyone comes

and then he goes wow this is cool it's just five minutes from when he gave it a sloppy handjob I really like the cop the cop has played the wackiest any cop has ever been played and his entire character

trait like his one character trait is that he knows too many police codes so he just yells random police codes in a wacky fashion only for some reason he really liked 9-11 as a police code and he keeps throwing that out through the movie

so it just obviously they couldn't have known at the time or could they but in retrospect when he's like chasing the dirt bike kid we got a 9-11 here it really changes the context Ryder appears to be 17 years old it's just 17 years

to 9-11 over and over again he kept saying it it is climbing on the two towers downtown this movie predicted everything I forgot to mention the bikers like he's already encountered a biker gang who just came upon them

are you just working off your vague memories of the film we take notes you're right I should have taken the bikers introduced prior to the inciting incident of the movie which is the hot dog restaurant being closed by the evil banker

we've not even gotten to that yet we've not gotten to that yet this is how the movie is structured and it's crazy we need to go through the shenanigans before we get to what the movie is about I have it on my notes that we're 10 minutes in and we now know

like their backstory he has a magical flying bike there's a biker gang that hates him because they just saw him and they immediately started bullying him there's so many inexplicable things he stole his bike and then the biker launched

the biker off onto his own bike and it hurt his nuts and he vowed revenge on this boy and then he takes off this biker gang is like hell's angels they're all on cruisers on choppers denim they're all adults and they're like badasses

and he rides up to a park or something and the bikers ride out of the forest they just were all right out of the forest at him and here's the thing every time except for once in this movie those bikers ride up out of the forest

even when it makes no sense for them to ride out of a forest when they're like next to a house with a road they will ride out of the forest onto the lawn it's just this movie this is gonna sound fucking crazy listen this is gonna sound cliche and stupid but there's a lot of clues dropped in this movie that it doesn't actually happen

that this is all like a child's imagination and we're seeing it from his point of view and or just completely in his imagination I don't know if he even has a bike or a dirt bike I think the kid fell asleep in front of the TV with too much sugar in him and this is just a dream

is this like a little kid's sucker punch to the dirt bike handjob yes this is little kid's sucker punch absolutely this movie predicted 9-11 and the equally bad sucker punch Jamie cut that

his mom doesn't believe him about the flying bike obviously so he goes to his friend Bo and he says no I flew around on a flying motorcycle I wrote down a Bo's quote in your notes I wrote down none of Bo's quotes he said I don't believe in fair tales

I only believe in playboy magazine but that makes no sense doesn't make any sense doesn't even rhyme look if it's not pornography I just don't think it exists so his love of titties has penetrated every aspect of his brain he's not a horny kid his ideology, his religion, his horniness

that's all this person is again in so many movies you will find 9-year-old pervert it's utterly inexplicable I have no idea and we're starting like a little bit of struggle here already because the mom

wrestles the motorcycle into the car the motorcycle does not want to get in the car but the mother is stronger than the dirt bike and overpowers it again she is not concerned with how the dirt bike is alive and trying to fight away from her she's just like I'm digging the fucking car living dirt bike

and she sells it to a bike shop for what she says is gonna be $50 I'm gonna sell this fucking bike and get my $50 back and she's leaving and the guy at the bike shop is beaming he's like I just bought a bike for $50

I think that happened because later in the movie we'll see I don't want to get ahead of myself so the kid doesn't have his dirt bike now and now we've learned that the little league coach is the owner of a local hot dog restaurant

Mike's dog house and he's a terrible coach he's like okay guys gather around those kids are so good at baseball god damn it he's a terrible person this guy is just like a beleaguered

lifelong underdog he's been an abovedog like at any point in his life I don't mean he's like a monster he's just really bad at being a person he's just a piece of shit I wrote down how I loved this scene where the kid's very upset

because he lost his dirt bike which was a magical dirt bike he'd be right to be sad his family has no father or money or food he's going through some shit and so he goes to the coach and he's like if the tough don't

he can't remember a single cliche about hardships and fails really hard as his duty as a mentor as he does at everything right and then he tells the kid if you ever need anything you come to me I was like no you demonstrated

you fucking blow it when I do that now I would like to interject that Mike was played by Patrick Collins and Patrick Collins would go on to be one of the 50 most powerful people in porn

he would go on to be a pornographic film actor and producer called The Culinator after Wikipedia says male genitals that have greater girth than length so that's what he was known for and he starred and directed I don't like the sound of that

such movies as Butt Woman Does Budapest which was a pretty good these are good notes this is good research but it was a different guy but this is the top link that they linked you to if you follow from Google's IMDbCast they're like yeah this is this guy

so this poor underdog actor who is just bleakered at all times if you look him up the internet will say yeah he's Butt Woman Does Budapest guy he's an underdog in real life too what if that guy himself

did a little bit of Google SEO work to make that happen I like to think that he saw it it's just like aww shucks nothing breaks my way yeah this poor guy this sad sack with a hot dog stand he's actually playing

the bank the little league team that they're playing as the bank and their coach comes up to him and says like buddy I got some real sad news for you it's bank related he's like oh can it wait we gotta play little kids sports games so we're like oh my god

what could this be what could the bad news from the bank be to the guy with the hot dog restaurant and then while you're wondering and trying to figure that out as a viewer an evil businessman climbs out of his limo to watch the little league game sinister lady in an evil businessman costume

yes like he picked it up at Walgreens on the way here the dirt bike is just kind of sneaking around the game just kind of putting around by itself it goes up behind the evil businessman and farts at him

did you guys have this in your notes oh yes good it's a crowded baseball game and this centium motorcycle is driving itself around and nobody gets any notice to that

at this point in the movie initially after he went to the track you know all about him being about all these races and the intro I thought this movie has to be about him winning him entering these races and winning enough money for his family or whatever and they didn't do that so then I was like okay

we're going to a little league game against the evil bank so this is for some reason gonna be like a little league movie and the movie doesn't do that also when you see that the motorcycle can fly very early on you think oh there's like a this is our check-offs gun here

it's its ability to fly is going to like what wondrous adventure could you go on on a flying motorcycle doesn't want to do that that doesn't really come up again either doesn't want to do any of the things that it tells you about the uh

the ump has I think been paid off they don't make it explicitly clear but like when Jack is at bat he's really bad at baseball but then the motorcycle's like boom boom boom and he's like oh good my motorcycle escaped from the you know the store and then it he fucking inspires

and just crank it right so then he like hits it an infield home run and just as he's coming home the catcher blocks the plate like just blatantly like any umpire would be like okay that's he may give him the fucking run but this umpire says I say it was out the game was over

like really makes that sound because that's the type of movie this is where they were like okay this is the evil umpire umpire umpire umpire umpire umpire umpire umpire umpire umpire umpire umpire umpire umpire umpire umpire umpire umpire umpire umpire umpire umpire umpire umpire umpire umpire umpire umpire umpire umpire umpire umpire umpire umpire umpire umpire umpire umpire umpire umpire umpire umpire umpire umpire umpire umpire umpire umpire umpire umpire umpire umpire umpire umpire umpire umpire umpire umpire umpire umpire umpire umpire umpire umpire umpire umpire umpire umpire umpire umpire umpire umpire umpire umpire ump on a dirt bike rampage inside the bank, but we'll get to that. It's hard to take this in order. I've I've violated that many times already in this podcast.

I get it. We'll we'll get through it. We'll have Jamie splice it all together. We need you to cut this chronological we need to watch the dirt bike kid while you're at it. Also, the running jokes and callbacks we've made so far. You'll need to splice those around so they make sense. She's she's on it. This is just should all sound perfect.

So they they cut to the after the game. I don't even think they showed who. No, they did show who won. I just said it because the bad guys cheated and they won. That the evil banker even goes up to the kid and he says, hey, you'll be a great bank manager someday because you're so evil. And Mike's doghouse is having like an after party and they're just throwing food like the food.

Absolute chaos. They say it. And they just having we're missing the food fight. So he hosts an after game food fight for all the children. Just crashing that restaurant. Just utterly trashing it. Right. And this is the stakes of the movie. This this total shithouse like at the edge of the suburbs

that where children go to have food fights, no one in the right mind would ever buy a hot dog from this place. This is what we need to protect. The bank calls them in the middle of the food fight, says you got a week to get the fuck out. We're going to put a bank there. And we're not for we're putting a bank there. Again, just the movie like well, knowing roughly what should happen.

And it's like the bank does something. They want to put a new bank there. They make banks. I mean, yeah, this is it. It's in that little kid logic of the evil bank just wants to close down the restaurant out of spite or whatever. And that's like an evil scheme. But later on, it says they foreclosed on it,

which would imply that they actually have a loan to that bank that the restaurant was started with a loan to the bank, that they are not repaying because they're not selling enough hot dogs or they're they're just using them to be thrown around as projectiles in the dining room. In which case, I'm sorry, but if that's true, the bank has every every right to close that restaurant. Otherwise, that guy is just literally stealing money from the villain of the capitalists is here. Fuck you. Yeah.

If you want the system to work, you everyone has to follow the rules. And yeah, it's now fuck the system. Hot dogs forever. I'm on I'm on team hot dog against the bank. Business that have that piece of land, someone who will will honor it with with profit. I hope you get attacked by a dirt bike. As is the fate of every capitalist in this in this film. I haven't my notes that no one's reacting to this bike as it's just driving around by itself from the game to this food fight in broad daylight at the volume of a dirt bike.

So again, I feel like this is just how a little kid looks at the world. And so none of this is happening. It's just a dream our protagonist is having. The bank executive is now interviewing Jack's mom. The so she's coming in and he's going to have her come into his own office and he dabs. I have this my notes is very fucking strange. He dabs his pulse points like like he would perfume, but with melted champagne bucket ice. And then smell and then smells it and does a little smells his fingers like, oh, yes, melted water from a metal bucket.

It's very strange. He interviews Jack's mom and just is practically in her fucking lap. And while this is happening, the dirt bike is rampaging through the lobby of the bank. I just pause and talk about the dirt bikes personality here. It's a fucking lunatic. Like the bike, the bike just heard that Mike's doghouse, which it had no ties to, it was going to be forced to close down by this this bank and it goes fucking nuts. It does a wheelie and immediately rampages straight to the bank to just destroy everything and attack everybody in it.

And this is the bike's response to everything. If you say you're having a problem, the bike wants to kill it. The bike just will run towards it and kill it. It's just a barbarian and it, you know, it rules. It rules this bike rules because the writer of the movie when you sat down and said, OK, we're going to make the we've given ourselves 48 hours to write the script. We know the movie we're making the template, right? It's going to the it's magical.

What what dirt bike? OK, boom, magical dirt bike kid. He'll gets the bike. How does he get it? Who cares? He buys it for 50 bucks. It's Jack and the Beanstalk. Fine. And then the villain, it's like, well, for some reason, we didn't get the rights to like film or race. So he can't race it.

So what's what's the standard kids movie villain? You know, it's like, well, if it's a dog movie, it'd be like the dog catcher. If it's anything else, it's like the evil bank. It's the 80s. You know, people are mad at banks. Interest rates are high. So it's not a wreck. So then you're sitting down with your script.

It's like, man, this is this is easy. You got your elements. Single mom, you know, harried mom, you know, the down and out business owner, the bike. Now, all I need to do over the next two days is just connect these things together. How would a sentient dirt bike take on an evil baker? Dirt bike rampage in the bank lobby. I guess just attacks the dirt bike. I guess just attacks the bank, which comes in the form of it just riding around

and knocking stuff over in the lobby and chasing like people just going to the like it chases the customers of the bank around like to kill them. It just fucking barbarian rage, dirt like barbarian rage to get from there to economic justice for the working man. It will figure it out. I argue they did it. So the bike, which again, might be very stupid, smashes down the door to the boss's office and like kills the model of the future bank.

And I think he might have thought he did something there. He might have been like, aha, I did it. I killed the bank. That's that's my theory. Anyway, his mom was not going to get the job because it doesn't know anything about finance. You got to go to bank. That's all it knows.

And and to be clear, this does fuck up his mom's job interview because he's on the bike while this is all happening. And when they break into the office, he says, mom, that that's it. That's his full line. And so he's like, wait, this is your mom. I'm not going to give her the job because you and your dirt bike smashed up my bank and that's fair. That's fair.

I think that's fair. I've lost job. I signed with capitalism. So this then the security guard does the thing I mentioned earlier, and he's like, and stay out because it's just a perfect movie. And so so now, Jack, God, what happens? And does he like sell it back to the bike shop guy? I have a big gap in my notes here.

Well, he brings the bike back to him. He's like, hey, dude, sorry, the bike escaped. I'm bringing back the bike. You bought it from my mom for 50 bucks. And he's like, yeah, OK, cool. And then he but before that, he offers him $50 for it. So I think this guy just offers $50 for dirt bikes. And he says, hey, can I buy it back?

He goes, sure, 50 bucks. So this is how much dirt bikes cost, man. That like this is all through the view of a crazy child because it's like a number of child would throw out. Like what's a bike cost? I don't know, 50 bucks. Like that's a huge number. How much did the groceries cost?

50 bucks, 50 bucks. Everything's 50 bucks. And you buy and you sell for the same amount. And like when you go to a store. So anyway, he gets a job and he gets a job is what happens next. And the dirt bike also gets a job so that they have a job together and they go around delivering packages from the motorcycle shop to all of the houses.

And there are like dozens because everybody in this town has a sentient dirt bike and they need parts from delivered from the dirt bike store. They took a sentient flying motorcycle and turned it into an unpaid delivery boy for like 10 minutes of this movie. Yeah, it goes around like he gives it the address. The bike drives there, delivers a package. This is the scene.

Yeah, to be clear, the owner of the place does seem to understand this is a sentient dirt bike and he believes this is the way you can make the most profit from a sentient dirt bike is saving you the minimum wage you would have to pay somebody. Which by the way, I do have a feeling if you went to a small town like motorcycle dealership and you ordered like a muffler and you're like, okay, so now you're going to have your guy bring that by my house next week when it comes in, right?

I think the guy would just beat your ass. Like, I think that we know you have to come back here and get it. What do you think you have somebody delivering dirt bike parts to people's homes on a dirt bike on a dirt bike? What are you insane? How would that even work? It would be clearly illegal to send this child on it on a

not street legal vehicle. Anyway, but yeah, it's efficient because the whole point is the kid goes off on foot to deliver some stuff while the bike goes off on its own and in full broad daylight of all the neighbors, it drives itself around delivering dirt sentient dirt bike parts to unless that place is just a living dirt bikes the front for a meth selling operation, which now that I think about it makes far more sense make

more sense. Yeah, that's why there's so many packages to be delivered and why he doesn't want to do it himself. It's like, hell, yeah. Yeah, here's the thing yet. You can't prosecute a sentient dirt bike. Mm hmm. Right.

Perfect. Not as an adult. Even though later in this in this film, they will literally do exactly what they're not seeing the dirt bike kid. They are literally going to do that later. They're going to arrest and that was foreshadowing. I have in my notes here that he came home and the mom is obviously upset that he has the dirt bike.

She's like, what the fuck? I sold that dirt bike earlier and he goes, yeah, I bought it back for a couple chores and he's like, did you get the job at the bank? I'm really sorry for fucking up your interview and she's like, oh, Mr. Hodgkins wasn't interested in my qualifications anyway. And Jack's like, wait, what does that mean?

And mom's like, oh, oh, never mind. And the kids like, oh, oh, you mean sexual coercion. I got it. I got it. Like he knows exactly what she means and that's made clear to the viewer that that's how 80s this is that like children of nine or nine and 10 understand how bank interviews work. Well, and that's also the benefits of having a perver best

friend. That's true. You learn a lot of stuff early. Mm hmm. We were talking shit about it earlier, but look at how handy it's come in perfect script. So let's see. Mr. Hodgkins has a woman over to his house who's as part of

the interview process. He's the evil banker and he is really, really gross. Obviously, he's like draped all over her and she looks terrified and Jack and the bike come to his door to say like, you know, hey, don't tear down the hot dog stand. And so they're there to cock block him again. So he really hates this this kid and the bike and the woman tries to leave.

Oh, you guys got a lot to talk about. Yeah, she's she's but she politely rejects him so far. She politely says like, oh, I'll just go ahead and take this opportunity to leave. Right. And then the evil banker summons what I guess you'd call it a rape dog and it's a dog that's just there to keep women trapped in that room.

Yeah. He sticks his dog on her and it chases her back into the room in which he is a prisoner so that he can molest her later. This is again a children's movie. This is the wacky. It's all played very wacky. He's just hamming it up like a cartoon. Only he is definitely going to molest this one.

It's scary. And plus they've established this character of the little boy knows exactly what's going on here. Now, how does the woman get out of the situation guys? She uses a wine bottle to break the window and crawl out over the glass and flee into the woods. And what does the guy say when he discovers that she has left through a broken let me get my banker voice on.

I gotta get bars on these windows. That he before that he says that's the second one today. That's the second one today. And then says, yeah, I've got to get bars for these windows. That's the second one. I almost got her again. This is a children's movie about a sentient magical motorcycle that befriends a small child.

And the fact that this guy has a literal like rape dungeon in his home. That's not the villainous thing he's doing. He's going to play for yokes. He's going to get his comeuppance for trying to close the hot dog stand. His punishment later is that the hot dog stand is going to remain open.

He's not going to go to jail for being a lifelong rapist who has built his life around, you know, like imprisoning women. That's just his wacky personality. The same as like the horn dog little kid or the hot dog store owner who's, you know, a schlubber the motorcycle who's a maniac. Like it's just a part of his personality and it's not common to see it on aside from just the slapstick nature of man. Isn't it funny how how over the top rapy of this guy is?

Man, 80s were a nightmare. The fact that you released this movie and said this is a children's movie and like a mob didn't come for you. Yeah, it's just like what this should be a famous incident in textbooks like film school. This is why you have to be careful. I'm going to put bars on these windows. So Jack's trying to teach the dirt bike about manners and the

biker gang finds him again again, just emerging from the woods and they're going to literally they they emerge their woods alongside. He pulled up to this guy's house. He's in the yard of this guy's house. They could pull up to the street right in front of him. They pull up from the woods. He just emerged from the woods.

Fucking no idea why they're just they're Robin Hood bikers. And then he escapes that very short chase and then he puts on a suit and takes the dirt bike to the board of directors meeting because I've so disappointed he didn't put a little suit on that their bike. Yeah, that's a real fucking missed opportunity. And then it cuts to the board meeting and they the first order of business is a vote to keep oppressing women.

Gentlemen, we're going to keep the women out, right? They're like all in favor. I ha ha ha like that's in the movie. So but again is not is not the central conceit. It is not what it is not what makes him villainous. This is like side villainy. It's just that that is not the problem. Anyone is trying to solve to be clear at the end of this film.

That guy will still have his rape dungeon and everything else. The only problem they're trying to solve is that he wants to close this failing hot dog business being run by someone who is presumably as bad at running a restaurant as he is at coaching literally talks. Yeah. So the secretary comes in and says, Hey, board of directors meeting, the little boy is here to meet with you and they're

like, what the fuck get him out of here? And she's like, oh, that's really disappointing because she seems to know that he made a promise to the boy earlier to do this. I don't know how, but I think the writer forgot that this character doesn't know that. And so they're told on up. They're not going to meet you with you.

And guess how the dirt bike solves this dirt bike rampage through the bank. Fucking barbarian rages again the second time in this movie that a dirt bike just wrecks up a bank because again, I want you to imagine the screenwriter. They're now say 22 hours into their writing process and I don't want to make I don't want to make the old joke about how like every screenwriter was on cocaine back then.

But you can kind of see the cocaine thinking here or at least the approaching deadline panic. It's like it just rides around and wreaks havoc in the in the bank lobby again. It's like there's so many things the model again. You can do with a flying sentient dirt bike and they really wrote the one plot that kind of doesn't allow it to do anything.

It's got dirt bike rage. Like make it so that the plot is you have to transport something somewhere. Make it so that you're it's a chase and you have to get away from it like you have to get from here. The kids got to go from this town to this other town two states away where his dad now is now lives and the biker gang is chasing him.

It's like no no no. It's it's all about the financial situation. Magical dirt bike smoking the bandit but for kids. Hell yeah. Yeah and it can fly and has to get him to get him across a river at some point where he thinks he's doomed and that's when you find out it can fly because the biker gang is chasing him down the bridges out and it flies him over like

if you sit down with it all down. You got a flying motorcycle that can think and is intelligent and can it can run itself like independently. There's lots of things you could you would like to think you can do but but it's hampered by its crippling anger management issues. Well also what does remind me again. I maybe the movie makes us clear maybe this is an unfair

criticism. Why does the dirt bike care about this restaurant. There's no reason even it heard the child at the start say I can't believe they're going to close Mike's doghouse and the bike is just like fuck that fuck you fuck capitalism fuck America. I'm burning this motherfucker down and then it does it does exactly that.

It couldn't in the hot dog restaurant couldn't move to a more affordable location or relocate or something. Okay. Change their food throwing policy to be more inviting. Anyway but that's so but the board of directors it works like they're like hey let's hear what the kid has to say and like within just one jump cut they're like all right we're going to save the restaurant.

In what way are they going to redo his loan are they going to change the terms of the loan they're going to loan him more money like what know they're going to use their computer to find a different location. He already took he's going to tell the computer to do it. So are they using imminent domain to seize the property not made clear. Okay.

But it is made clear there's no option you can't be like hey can I pay back some you know interest or something it's just like know where the bank and if we want we can just take a building and turn it into a bank. Because this was back when the bank was owned by just a guy a guy in town owned the bank it wasn't like Bank of America it was just a guy who ran the bank literally same as it's owning a hot dog stand like it was just his his personal

that's Hodgkin's bank and his name is Hodgkin's this is his bank. There was like a board of directors and everything this was a chain of banks. Yeah these are conflict because again an insane child wrote all of this with an understanding of the adult world that he had only like gleaned from randomly flipping through channels on TV.

Okay now hold I'm sorry but hold on you guys is your theory that this that this is all taking place in his imagination that child in was not present for the rape dungeon scene. So you're saying that that was part of the dream he had that the that the local bank bank president has a he he was at the door he was at the front door during that scene. So he I guess imagined what was happening behind the door and then imagines that he did nothing about it.

Imagine that he didn't care that he blinked at her and ignored her after he saved the the hot dog place without any explanation it cuts to them having a victory party at the hot dog restaurant where he's inside on the dirt bike. No one has a problem with that and the whole restaurant is chanting his name. I I feel like that didn't happen. I feel like none of this is happening.

He is definitely dying to the bank restaurant tractor. He definitely slid that that dirt bike in traffic and it's it's dying pinned beneath it and this is what he's thinking of now. Here's where like they tried to sort of find a thread of reason where they cut to the bank turned down the restaurant and he's like hey dude I thought you said you were going to do this and then the bad guys like right the computer said

it's the only spot and then Jack was like well I got an A in computer science maybe I can like use your computer and find a different location. And he's like obviously no but so Jack solves it the way he solves everything with the dirt bike rampage he grabs a construction trailer and just throws it into traffic where it immediately smashes into cars and causes a cop to crash and the same cost earlier.

And so now we have another police chase where the kid is just completely broad daylight committing felonies. Here's my my favorite thought exercise. If you just replace a person with this dirt bike and like have it do all of the same things. This is a movie about a complete fucking maniac whose rage is just ruining his life and everyone's around. Yeah, that's first blood you made first blood.

So he escapes this police chase by flying but he didn't really have to he he like jumped over a car carrier and then the cop got stuck on it and then the dirt bike just flew away whereas he could have of course just landed the jump and ridden away but that's it then they fly around there's just sightseeing he gets home just in time for the cops to arrive at his home because everyone knows his fucking name is there's no mystery about who's doing all this.

Yeah so the flying again accomplished or make it clear accomplished nothing because the police like it's a modern world with telecommunications and addresses listed people like yeah he's a little kid. What's he going to do it fly to Mexico? It's like no he's got the local bank regional managers there with the police in his limo as his standard procedure. They start to take the bike and the mom's like he can't take

my son's bike just for 15 dirt bike rampages. And again everyone's perfectly fine interacting with and discussing the dirt bike as if it's alive like the dirt bike doesn't want to go. They arrest the dirt bike. Yeah he actually resists he's a businessman rolls out of his limo Hodgkins and he says arrest that dirt bike and the cops are like yes they take the dirt bike into custody they arrest

and the dirt bike and then put the dirt bike in a jail sale and close the doors as the dirt bike makes very sad eyes. Now this is their bike is sentenced to a 17 year sentence it will not be released until September 11th 2001. This is why listeners this is why Sean and or Brockway whichever one said it earlier thought that this movie might be like self-aware like it might be making fun of this genre of movie even though it's not very far into like there

were many more movies like this made after than before. Right it's like a parody that starts now and parody's shit that we did after. Yeah because it because this scene almost seems like they know how dumb it is. They have to now my personal belief is that if you are writing the script at you're now it's four in the morning and you have to have it in by 8 a.m. to whoever and this is where

you just type they arrested the dirt bike figure this out later period at this point the cocaine is becoming diarrhea and you've got to just get this shit finished. They this is will come in important later they do set the dirt bikes bail at that's true $100 not too bad that's double the highest number from earlier yeah that's too and he says the kid says will never come up with that kind of yeah he knows $50 is the value of like half an afternoon of

chores and a dirt bike and groceries. Right and this is this is twice that you're right it's too much so the bank secretary from earlier that the coach of the banks and the lead team she paid the bail for the bike and the bike is happy to be free. And then Mike asks her out on a coffee date which does not go well he bitches and moans the entire time and then they get inspired to like really go help the restaurant.

He remembers all the cliches about what the tough do when the going gets tough and that seems to be enough for both of them they're like yes we got it now now we can go save it. The what happens now the bike sneaks off to the construction site and tells the bulldozer to knock over a fence while they know they released the bike and the first thing this bike does immediately books ask straight from a police station right back to the doghouse which they have built construction

around and he rams a bulldozer so hard that it it activates and drives into a fence and knocks it down and that's like what they can see this as destroying the construction site and then he gets in a tearful fight with the dirt bike and this is the I don't even want you get out of here and he sends the dirt bike away and dirt bike look back to them and then storms all you know this minor damage to the temporary fencing is like the fucking end for Mr. Hodgkins.

He is vowing double revenge on that bike now. So anyway that the kid breaks up with a bike that they just burn too hot the romance and burn too hot but the bike came back and went outside of Jack's room and started hacking his computer with his motorbike powers. No, no, no, not quite the bike ran off into the forest to pout and he was sleeping pouting and crying at home because he misses his dirt bike so much and then the bike is so

overcome with rage that it howls which it does by revving a lot and the howl of the mad dirt bike is what begins to hack the bank's website. I didn't skip anything. The dirt bike howls with rage in the forest and then the kid's computer turns on and a little pixelated dirt bike appears on it and that begins hacking. That's the jump we made.

That said, okay, that is an interesting interpretation. I thought he like was hacking it with motorcycle powers but that that does make sense that a motorbike scream would cause software to program itself to be a hacking dirt bike inside a child for the proof we are given within the movie and the scenes we are shown. I think both interpretations are valid. Let's see.

The kid gets inspired by this. He's like, that's a great idea. I'll hack the bank. It doesn't work. So he had come to clear the bike. Yeah, I don't think he successfully the bike is trying to hack the bank. I think he was just sending the message to the to the kid.

Hey, hack the bank. He just sent him bank clip art logo clip art of phone lines and then to those two things and the kids like, I got it. I'll hack the bank. So he breaks into the school to use their computer because their computers are better and they instantly dial into the bank's online software UI and they have to guess the password and he's there with Bo and he's like, I got it.

Try greedy. Didn't work. So the plan was just to guess random bank related passwords to find out why their algorithm chose Mike's store as the spot for the bank. That's the end game. Like if everything goes according to plan, they will now know why they want Mike's spot.

So at best they'll find a geological survey or like a foot traffic chart or something. I don't know what what they're going to get out of this and the bikers now show up with Jack's bully to the limo that's just outside and they're like, Hey, we're going to help you catch that bike. So like just to let you know that all of the evil forces in the movie are now teaming up.

They didn't explain that. It just it just happened. The password ends up being Scrooge like they just kept putting in stuff like greedy money. No, it's the name of his molesting dog. Okay, perfect. Yes, the name of course he the kid because he was present and did not help the victim knew that the vicious dog he

uses to corner poor captive women into his dungeon would be the banker's password, which is Scrooge. I'm really glad you're here because that's a I blew it for missing that. I just I mean really I study screenwriting. So I know when how formatting goes. I know this call back. So he's in he's remotely accessed all the banks files on

a 1985 phone link by guessing the name of the pet of the regional manager of the bank. So he finds a list of addresses. That's all this is they show the screen and he goes just doesn't make sense and then bow takes over and just starts adding money to accounts. He gives himself 11 cents and then he gives old widow white a million dollars.

So that's what's going on like that. They could just do that. Hacking movie now. The kid now figures out like wait a second. He's trying to sell that specific piece of land because he has tricked the bank into thinking he owns it. So when they sell it, he'll get the money. It's a it's very, very poorly explained.

I'm not sure we're supposed to get it, but I it doesn't seem like a real estate scheme. It's a very real estate fraud somehow like he's somehow it's depicted as like it bustling a real estate fraud. It's a white color crime that he's manipulated really yada yada through it. Yeah, I don't think we're supposed to care. But it does show that he only has $1,200 in his checking

account, but he'll get $500,000 if this deal goes through. So that's something I don't I feel like that's the whole value of the property. So they came up with my type 50 and then just adding zeros until they were like, well, exactly. That's too many. But they want the property put to put a second branch of the bank.

So how does that personally profit the that's what's not made clear. It's some sort of scheme where he is going to end up getting the money through like the real estate. And again, it sounds like I'm leaving something out, but I'm not sure I am like it. It's not a real scheme as far as I know. Maybe maybe someone is an expert on the dirt by kid and

financial crimes, but that's me and you're like. But anyway, that's it. The guys fully broke. It doesn't explain how he lives in such a nice house and can get multiple windows replaced every day from sex assault victim escapes. It cuts to the widow white withdrawing a million dollars in cash just in a shopping cart because that's think that's

what a little kid would imagine someone doing with a million dollars and none of this is happening. The biker gang finds Jack and do you guys have any notes what they say when they see the little boy? I'm going to bounce. I'm looking forward to bouncing up and down on your face. That's almost word for word. Yeah.

So we're going to set him on fire. They pick him up. They're like, we're going to kill him cut his face off and they're like, let's set him on fire. But the dirt bike rescues them. Kid punches the biker in the face gets in the dirt bike. Boom. He's gone.

Don't okay. I feel like you skipped over that very quickly to be clear in this children's film. The danger that this child is in is that this adult biker gang is going to burn him alive. It's going to set him on fire only because they they rejected like cutting his face off and just stopping him and then they're yeah.

Yeah, because the evil banker and the child's young child bully, they hired the spiker gang to burn the child alive. Yeah, so he can have the hot dog rest. I'm actually not so he can get $500,000 in some sort of a scheme, some sort of a paperwork and error scheme. Hot dog themed real estate fraud scheme. Right. What?

Yeah, perfectly clear. Another chase scene. At this point in the movie that it's it's getting harder and harder in disguise. The stuntman. So it just looks like a full grown man on the dirt bike. Yeah. Maybe we wouldn't have noticed that the child is like four

foot six and this is like a six foot two man just in full close up right there showing him just ripping ass just absolutely ripping ass on his dirt bike. I mean, it's got the name of the motorcycle the stunt double on IMDB. I think you could look up the guy if you wanted to probably see the actual adult man they they used but yeah, it's clearly it's clearly a full adult like they when I get it like of your

motorcycle stunt people if you say like well, we need a child sized motorcycle stunt driver that's probably not super easy to get if you are so weird that a jockey wouldn't also like dabble in motorcycle stunts because that really did take up your whole day when you're a guy can't even tell the same skills that we just said there. They spend their day riding on horses can't be that different steal their steel horses Bon Jovi said it can't just be

sneaking into your home repairing your shoes all fucking day. All right, we are getting I have a question Robert that not not to I know we're we're running or we're running short for one of my episodes. Oh, this is completely going to be a two hour podcast on the fucking dirt bike kid. Yeah, well, again, a movie that's only like 78 minutes long. We're officially approaching like the running time of the

film in two minutes. Yeah. Okay, Robert, you you're a motorcycle rider. You still you still do that, don't you? Yeah, if I'm on your motorcycle friends, if you referred to it as a steel horse, do they think that's cool or would they think that's nerdy? All of my many motorcycle friends who are all real and

exist. They they're all Canadian and they love it. They love it when I when I call it my steel horse. I believe Bon Jovi owns that phrase and it's definitely a tour bus steel horse is a rock and roll band tour bus. See, I always assumed it was a motorcycle. That is ridiculous. I'm sorry if you we're anyone listening if you are listening

to this who is a musician who has toured if you refer to the tour bus as the steel horse if you if you tell the rest of the band, okay, guys, go go mount the steel horse. I think they will you will stop being a band that moment. I think they will quit the band and they will they will take an Uber home. There's an interview with Bon Jovi where he was like, yeah, we had this idea that we're like cowboys and like

our microphones were guns and you can see him in the middle of saying it out loud just bailing on the idea of being so embarrassed. This was really cool when I was drunk. Yeah, this made so much sense when I was upright in the dirt by kid. It's so weird because I'm picturing a music video for that song that involves John Bon Jovi like on a motorcycle

that is picture that too. But that could just be that like I was so sure that's what he meant that I am retroactively inserting it. See now with that Sean says that the steel horse is tour bus. I'm picturing him mounting on top of the tour bus like it's a horse with like his legs on either side and they got little rains and going yeah. Okay, all right back to the movie.

Sorry. Oh, right. At this point they're they're tearing down the hot dog stand and having a big like demolition party. And so the Little League starts to disrupt it because the bike isn't there yet because it's being like pursued by the bikers and it's dumping them into the lake on this elaborate chase.

So the Little League starts throwing pies and I guess there's a city ordinance that you can't allow destruction of a building within 300 meters of a food fight. So like they're just fucked. They're like, oh, what are we going to do? Hold on just just a moment because I think the listeners are saying where did they why did they suddenly have dozens of pies?

Where did they get a whole bunch of pies? You bring a lot of pies. Yeah, I think they just had the pies there. It was a it was an event to tear down an old restaurant that is not a pie restaurant and not a bakery and someone uncovers a huge cart with full of like enough pies for 500 people. Yep.

There was a fraternity nearby that was doing a fundraising scheme and the pies were covering up revenge porn and that's why they're all the pies were there illegally taken from surveillance footage. So they illegally surveilled sorority. It took naked pictures of the women put that on the bottom of the pie. And when I say pie, I was just whipped cream in a tin.

The listeners who have not seen Revenge of the Nerds, which I'm going to bet is actually most of them. I have a strange you have had a stroke. Yeah, I'm worried that they they after everything we've said about this movie, they're like, uh-huh. And next. So that was a different movie. I got my 80s movies mixed up.

Sorry, but that did happen in an 80s movie because it was all a nightmare. It was all a nightmare. So the dirt bike shows up as the bulldozer is about to drive over the hot dog restaurant and just goes head with the fucking bulldozer. There's a fucking bike. What is what I swear to God is a fist fight between a dirt

bike and bulldozer. It's wonderful. It all came down to this all the flying around the bikers. It all comes down to just which is stronger a dirt bike or a bulldozer. Then Jack and the bike, they abduct the banker. They throw him on the back of the sea. Forcibly mount him on the dirt bike.

So now and then they take him out to punish him with rad dirt biking. This is the extent of I'm not leaving anything out. The plan is to forcibly mount the banker on a dirt bike and then just have a lot of fun dirt biking until he gets like he gets radical poisoning and just gives up because they take him to the track. They do a bunch of sick jumps and he just the whole time

he's like, oh, no, I'm dying. This is how you kill a banker hurts the evil. Yeah, a banker can get really poisoned by redness. Yes. It's not like when you and I experience redness. Right. It's the the anti-rad. And so it's like it's like blood poisoning to them.

It would be like if a different wrestler tried to ingest Hulkamania. Yeah, right. Like they'd have a stroke on the spot. Like that's not the way. Yeah, that's not the way it works. And again to to go back to the screenwriting process here. Now you're writing a finale of this film where you realize

like it is much too late to go back and rewrite this so that it is instead of a dirt bike. It's about a talking Champaign or an alien or anything else that would make more sense than this. A child's, you know, his invisible friend or robot. A robot would have been good. He could have hacked into the bank. She was a robot.

I've that would have been amazing. Yeah. Um, any literally, literally anything but a dirt bike would have made this plot easier. And at the end, this poor screenwriter is painted him or herself into a corner and realized like I'm literally in the cab on the way to the office to turn the script and I'm trying to write a finale.

It's like how we now have to make the bank president relent on his plan using only the power of an extremely irrational and angry dirt bike. And I did this. My mind did this to me. And it's just he winds up stuck on the back of it somehow and they just ride around while he screams comically the whole time and they, they have, he has gets hit in the face with a

pie so that they can have a stunt man with the whipped cream on his face. So you can't tell it's not the same guy. Um, it's easily the longest sequence of the movie. It goes on a very long time because they also realized his script is only like 55 pages at this point and you're trying to get a feature length film out of it and there's when there's one page it's like he jerks off the bike for six minutes.

You know, it's not going to be enough. Look, we'll film this, but you're clearly fired. And I think he wrote that out for six pages of the screenplay like Jack enters interior night would shed. He gets a soapy bubbly mess and froths it upon the flaccid penis of the motorcycle. The six pages of that, the, yeah, the fender or as any of you know, like Brockway's biker friends will tell you that

is known as the penis. That's why we, the bigger the man, the bigger. Um, so yeah, and that's how they ultimately solved the problem. That's the climax because you, you wrote, you wrote it in such a way that it cannot end on a bike race. You've not set up any of that. Cannot end on a bike chase to like try to get the money to

the bank in time for the deadline. Oh my gosh. Banks can close in five minutes. How are we going to get there? There's all this traffic. Oh, the flying motorcycle is going to get us there with the money at the last minute and it'll be wacky. There'll be car accidents and stuff and it'll be a chase and

a wacky cops. No, no, no, they didn't set up any of that. Any problem that an actual would be in the wheelhouse of a dirt bike to solve. And so this is dirt like dirt bike him into submission. Yeah, they blackmail him and threaten him. Sort of. It's sort of the fifth or sixth time they've done that to

this third though. Yes. More dirt biking. Definitely. That's that's what really convinces him. Yeah. And now I will say in the moment, I was 100% convinced that this would be resolved with a third bank right and rampage.

Yes. Notified by crampage, but they did. They did decide by that point that he did have to to mix it up. Right. I would have preferred the dirt bike rampage, but this is this was fine. I really liked like a stunt.

It was almost like if you've seen a death proof where it's just like half of the movie is just sort of this like extended stunt to the point where you're like, what are you doing here guys? Like that's what it's like. Like the the stunt goes on so long and it's kind of dangerous like they're going pretty fast on an actual dirt bike track. It does switch to a dummy a couple times, which I definitely

wouldn't have noticed on wouldn't have noticed on VHS. But yeah, you can sure see it. Yeah. It's it's pretty clearly a dummy a couple times, but very much quite a stunt. And again, the stuntman always pops a wheelie when he's approaching camera to try to hide his face behind the behind the motorcycle.

Like it's a really competent movie. We're making it sound insane, but like it you can be confident and insane. Yes. That's very much almost 80s movies were this movie. The movie had a budget. They're straight up accidents. There's car accidents, car wrecks, there's car stunts, tons

of motorcycle work. This movie cost money to make. This is not some does not like the direct to streaming carefully see where somebody shot it on their phone. Lovingly shot fender erection from start from softness to to complete erection. Yeah, I mean that's not straight up special effect. It's an actual thing and like the motorcycle has articulated

headlights that had to be operated probably with a little motors back there to remote control. No, this was a movie that cost, you know, as much as any movie you'd see at the time. It looks like a mainstream release. This stars the kid from a Christmas story. This came out after that. And the almost Goldie Han.

It's quite a thing. But it all works. It all works out. He says, okay, I won't do it. I won't. I won't crush the hot dog restaurant. And then the bike just leaves like the kid realized. Oh, the magic is gone.

The bike, as far as he's concerned, the bike has done its job and it dies. As far as the kid knows, it's just the lights. You literally see the lights in its eyes go out and then the kid's like, oh, the magic's gone. My friend's dead. So which happens because that's how these movies end when the writer sat down with the template like it ends with the

emotional farewell. Only they didn't have that again built into the story. Like, well, why would the bike die? Does it crash itself? Does it sacrifice itself? Does it what? Like what? Why does it?

And it's like, no, my job's done. I only existed as a sentient being to save this failing hot dog restaurant. So it did show up before the round discover it printed on the boy, then later the boy ran into this hot dog problem and the motorcycle's like, okay, I'm going to solve this and die. This is this is what I'm for. I exist to save a hot dog stand from a sexual predator.

Yeah, but again, we're not. We don't have a problem with the sexual predation. No, we don't. To be clear, though, this is the wrap up stage of the movie. Nobody has even addressed that as a problem. Nobody's even been like, hey, that's kind of gross. Everybody's just like, yeah, great. That's what you do.

If you want to jump in the bank here, you got to bang the evil guy. That's standard 80s stuff. So everything's forgiven. The cops don't care that this child committed all these felonies because he saved a hot dog stand and we now cut very far into the future. As far as I can tell, like the kids are the exact same age,

but bow now has two like post pubescent girlfriends. Yeah, the employee three way friend. Yeah. And Maisie, the bank secretary that was going out with the shrub, literally coach is pregnant, very pregnant, at least seven months pregnant with a big shirt on a pullover that says Mike's pointing to her. Which is a fucking crazy thing to ask your wife to wear.

Yes. So she's either lying about it being his baby or they got pregnant like in the very, very last scene of what we were looking at like at the pie fight they fucked and got pregnant because it's the only way it would work and have these kids still be the same age. Like anyway, Hodgkin's arrives in a limo at the grand reopening of the hot dog restaurants and you're like,

oh, here's the evil banker come into like the upset. No, no, no. He's been blackmailed into performing in a hot dog costume. So it's really kind of wrapped up everybody's character arc. Even the biker is there like working as a assistant to the hold on a bit to the bank. It zooms out and we revealed that the way that they have solved this problem is they still built the bank just directly

on the lot behind the hot dog stand. So the evil banker has to come and announce we're at the opening of Mike's hot dogs and Mike's doghouse. But to be clear, they did not thwart him. So his evil illegal scheme to get the to manipulate the bank into buying his property. They let him do it. They let him have it.

Right, nobody now theoretically has 500,000. Yeah, he got away with it. It succeeded. He got his money and he's got to do something a little bit embarrassing. But what does he care? He still has a dungeon that he uses to kidnap women and none of this is addressed and he learns very little from it.

Very little. There is some comeuppance for the biker because he has a stuffy desk job and the hot dog man says, hey, no, hand it over and the guy has to take off his clip on earring and give it to him. So like the biker like lost all of his clip on earring personally. Biker lost his biking spirit and that's how you make a

banker. That's how you make a banker. There's a banker born that day and then the bike leaves with the other kid and the mom's like, hey, that fucking kid is taking your bike and Jack's like, no, mom's okay. He's where he needs to be. Yeah, though, because the mysterious old man once again, like they pan over to show you that nobody's behind there

and then he emerges from a pillar. It's this isn't the guy that runs like the motorcycle store. This is an unexplained old man and he comes in to just say like, well, that's a very special bike. And then like Lear. Nobody's like, hey, the fuck out of here. See the bikes master. Is he a wizard that gave it its powers?

What's his relationship? They did a wizard. Yeah. Today you would have to explain it in a movie made in 1985 like, no, it's it's and then the child races, the new child races, his magic, furious, anger issue bike, having fucking dirt bike out of there and does my favorite thing of an 80s movie, which is they freeze frame on a high five.

I love it. Every movie should still end. I mean, every Jackie Chan movie ends with a freeze frame on high five. Now here's where I think it's when you're watching the credits and do we know what does that same song play over the credits or is there some 80 other? I think it's still standing at the edge of love.

Yeah. Yeah, I think so. Here's where you you're kind of pondering some things to yourself which is could the kid have solved all of these problems with no help from the motorcycle? Like like was there anything that the dirt bike did in terms of, you know, because ultimately he solves a problem by uncovering the evil scheme of the bank guy, which he could

have simply have threatened to go on public with and use that to blackmail him, which is effectively what they did with and all the stuff all the chaos in the multiple like bank lobby rampages by the motorcycle. I don't feel like really impacted anything at all as long as the kid got the idea somehow to get into their bank, which he easily had the ability to do. All he had to do is use one of the school computers and guess

a seven seven character password. Also, if he goes public with that information and they like vet the bank's records, they will probably notice that there was an entry made from a grade school and an old woman was given a million dollars along with one child of 13 cents or 11 cents, whatever it was. So there's they will lead only to a paper trail of massive financial fraud to themselves.

Just like the movie doesn't work then becomes the perfect distraction. Now nobody is going to look for this because there was a sentient barbarian rampaging dirt bike madman who just fucking tore that town to pieces. My pushback on that is that no one seemed to give a shit that it was happening. Happens all the time.

It might have been the first time that happened that maybe they live in a universe where there's lots of rampaging motorcycles. I don't know. Yeah, well, that's that's what's so great about it is because it's never established how you because the kid, you know, again, he's a perfectly fine kid actor. Obviously saw him in the Christmas store.

I assume everybody's seen that movie. But at no point is he very surprised to find out that his motorcycle is alive, which I guess if you took up from the point of view of like, well, you know, little kids kind of live in a whimsical world. So maybe they would a little kid that age would just accept it. But then it should be like a central plot point because in

all of these movies, that's a core thing. It's like trying to hide it from the grown-ups like that was E.T. Remember that put put him in the wacky costume and Halloween to, you know, so the grown-ups would know and that's that's a staple of this. Like that should have been in your little template. Your screenwriter template should have been in there.

It's like, oh, there's got to be a wacky thing where he has to hide the fact that the motorcycle is alive and pretend that he's the one writing it. But at some point they realized they just didn't have a plan for one of those scenes. So everyone kind of just plays it like they kind of get that it's sentient, but they like no one remarks on it. Yeah, then no one cares.

The whole movie. I kept waiting for somebody just even do a single gag about it. Just like what would or have like a hobo like look at it, look down and just bottle and like throw the bottle away like that's too much of that. I'm seeing sentient dirt bikes. This should absolutely should have been that scene in this movie.

It's completely either was it used all those tropes. Well, thank you for being here for this in-depth examination of classic film and people people still talk about it every day. The dirt bike kid. Do you have anything you'd like to plug before you go? I can't think of anything. Do you have anything you'd like to sing before you go?

God, it's so good. Got this feeling. So peel me off the ceiling. Who's the artist that sings? Who do we have to think for that song? Oh my God, you and I don't even know. Patrick Collins, the colonator, which apparently means a dick that is thicker than it is long.

No one's ever called it that, but that's great that he tried to claim it for himself. Wikipedia. It's still on Wikipedia. Good for him. I do want to plug if the podcast is not over. I don't know if we chose the end of the movie song. We had to have cut all right.

We had to. If not, donate to the Patreon that they are always too. No, we're definitely cutting that. Did you say Frankfurt podcast? Correct. Yeah. The practice is not track, it's not without. Send it to the dog.

Four hours. Come on, you're kidding me. One hundred. One hundred, Frankfurt. One hundred, New York. One hundred, Frankfurt. One hundred. One hundred, Frankfurt.

One hundred, New York. Yeah, nine thousand. Gather around the heart, younglings, to hear tell of the brave adventurers who risked everything to cast the all-powerful ring of Evil King Dormair into the fires of Mount Hot Dog. These were the Supremes. Neofont, who betrayed the party for Dormair's ring. Freefinger, Louie.

Aaron Crossden. Adrian H. Aidan Moat, whose mind was swayed to betray the party for Dormair's ring. Alpha scientist, John. Armando Nala. Benjamin Syronik. Bim Talzer, who betrayed the party for Dormair's ring, but did later apologize.

Brandon Garland. Ryan Saylor, who betrayed the party for Dormair's ring, and did not apologize. Not even when pressed. Breanne Whitney. Brockway loves the meat milling. Sarah Chase McPherson. Chris Brower, who betrayed the party for Dormair's ring while on horseback.

That's different. It's a vehicular betrayer. Julius Glare. Dan B. Dean Costello. The Ring Betrayer. Who was called that before the adventure for other reasons. What did betray the party for Dormair's ring?

Dr. Awkward. Eric Spalding. Fancy Shard. Hambo, who betrayed the party for Dormair's ring, and then put it on. Down there. Haraka. Hot Fart.

Jaber Al-Aidan. John Dean, who definitely betrayed the party for Dormair's ring. Holy shit. John McCammon. John Minkoff. Josh S. Ken Paisley. K&M.

All of whom betrayed the party for Dormair's ring. Laziest man on Mars. Matt Cortez. Matt Riley. Mike Stiles betrayed the party for Dormair's ring, then betrayed Dormair to the party, then betrayed the party again. Mojoo.

N.D. Neil Bailey. Neil Schaefer betrayed the party for Dormair's ring, but in a really charming way that they just couldn't stay mad at. Nick Ralston. Nick H. Ozzy Olin betrayed the party for Dormair's ring, and then proposed with it.

Aw. Patrick Herbst. Rev. Rihanna. Rich Joslin resisted the power of Dormair, and stood strong. Hold on, I'm getting a news hoc. He has just betrayed the party for Dormair's ring.

Sarkovsky. Timmy Levy. Tostigam. Tom Sikula. Tommy G. Yossary. Angeloho, who did not betray the party for Dormair's ring, he asked for a necklace.

For which, yes, he did betray the party. I saw you. Not knowing what to call you. Underneath it all you know I saw your soul. You get what you go for. Now I'm standing on the edge of love. And I'm touching what I've just been dreaming of.