The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - Dogg Zzone 9000 - Episode 61, The Totally Rad Podcast With Totally Rad Logan Trent!

Episode Date: February 16, 2022

Seanbaby and Brockway are joined by extremely rad Cracked Senior Editor Logan Trent, who will only discuss rad things. So we brought him the raddest thing: Rad! The 1986 BMX movie, Rad! And the entire insane universe they had to create for the movie to work, where every single facet of life was BMX. If you are not prepared to bike slowdance at the BMX prom, you get the fuck out of this podcast.

One nine hundred hot dog. One nine hundred hot dog. Our podcast slams with maximum hype. Say hot dog podcast work. Yeah! When you taste that nitrate power you're in the dog zone for an hour. Come on!

Do not remember. One nine hundred. One nine hundred hot dog. One nine hundred hot dog. One nine hundred hot dog. One nine hundred hot dog. One nine hundred hot dog. One nine hundred hot dog.

One nine hundred hot dog. Yeah! Nine thousand! Welcome listeners to the dog zone nine thousand. The official podcast of one nine hundred hot dog dot com, the official website of me, the internet Sean baby and my hot dog partner, hot Robert Brockway.

I'm the hottest Robert Brockway Here's a Brockway fact, I once conducted an elaborate heist to steal the answer to who Carly Simon's Ursovane was about. No problem. Our special guest is senior editor of a worldwide web page called Cracked.com. Radlogan Trent! Radlogan, get ready, you're in the dog zone! Hot dog fact for me, I actually won a hot dog eating challenge once.

Whoa, are we allowed to follow up questions to yours? Yes, yes you are. What city did it take place in? This was in Chicago and it was some random just hot dog thing. I didn't even know they were having it. I was just broke and hungry and I went for a hot dog and they had a thing where if you bought this $20 hot dog that was the equivalent of like 10 hot dogs and one and ate it within 20 minutes you got it for free.

And I did and I immediately regretted it. I was just laying out the whole day just moaning. It was not. Was it down to the wire? No, not really. Yeah, I was just, I chiseled through that fucker like in 15 minutes. It was not good though. I don't even need the extra five.

So yeah. Was it like everything in Chicago? Was it Italian style? Did they put some sort of marinara on it? No, I got to choose and I was like I'm just going with mustard. Because I'm not stupid enough to add the rest of these that I usually would because I'll die. You know what, like 400 calories worth of relish. Yeah, no, you don't want to eat that much neon relish and that many dill pickles in one sitting.

In Vegas I like to go down to the crappy end of the street like with Circus Circus. And you can get like hot dogs at almost every place that are like, not 20 hot dogs in one, but like 10-ish hot dogs in one for like 49 cents. And they become so don-like at that size, like it no longer looks like a food. It looks like a hilarious dildo. And they'll put chili on it. And it's got to be 6,000 calories for 49 cents. And so, you know, also you can't move for the rest of the day.

But I still do it most times I go to Vegas. When they brought mine out, it had to be, you know, like a takeout tray at Taco Bell or something like that. They had to put it, bring it out on two of those length wise. That's how long it was. Yeah, like when you call the manufacturing plant, you're like, hey, we need something that'll hold a hot dog this big. They're like, fuck you. We'll make a few too small ones and you'll just like it.

You're like, all right, whatever. No one's going to order this anyway. Logan, is there anything you'd like to plug? I should say Rad Logan. We just try to get that nickname to stick. Yeah, hit me up on Twitter and Instagram at the Logan Trent. And I say this on all of our friends podcast, but leave a review for this podcast and our friend's podcast because that always really helps out.

Doesn't matter if it's like Apple or whatever podcast thing you're listening to. So that's very nice. We'll cut it. We'll cut all that part. To start the show, I'm going to ask you both the same question I ask everyone. If you were a character from the 1989 movie Major League, who would it be? I'll go first. I'm Dennis Haysburg because my ancient voodoo gods won't let me hit a curve ball.

Logan. Jobu. You're the actual voodoo god. Well, then I have you to blame for me not hitting a curve ball. I do not remember the names. Who's the guy that steals everything? Willie Mays Hayes. Because I am the guy that steals everything.

Yeah, that's what I said. And I'm playing him because I steal everything. You got a lot of style and a lot of flash. You're very fast. No, I just steal. I steal everything. Also, it's great in your life. You've been played by Omar Epps.

So, and we'll be again. Competently, but he's no Wesley Snipes. Sorry, Omar. Wesley Snipes talking about. Oh, go ahead. Just because I had this conversation earlier today. Wesley Snipes. Is he the most athletic looking person who's bad at sports?

Because when you watch, have you seen white men can't jump? He cannot fucking play basketball. It's incredible how bad he is at it. He's better than Woody Harrelson. Woody Harrelson throws the flattest two-handed jump shot that just should never go into the hoop. Yeah, but at least he can dribble. Fair enough.

Fair enough. Yeah. All of that movie magic works completely on me, a person who knows nothing about and has never been good at any sport. I just watch like they're editing and I'm like, holy shit. These guys are amazing. He's got so anorexic malnutrition. Tape warm heaven overdosed Dick Gregor behind me

and died drinking ass up. I should not have been surprised by the fact that you know that. I watched that movie so many times when I was a kid. What was I going to say? Now I want to just talk about white men can't jump. Yeah, that was just why we're going to talk about another 80s movie because that's what all the best movies are. 1986 is rad.

Logan, this is not the first time. Hold on. Did you plan it this way that on the VHS tape for rad, there's an ad for a dirt bike kid and then vice versa, I believe. I did not. I think we were doing the dirt bike kid episode and I thought, you know what we ought to do is rad. And I texted Logan about it and Logan's like, oh hell yeah. So we are now just following like the progression of the tape on our podcast.

Our podcast is now the complete tape of the dirt bike kid. That's what we are going for. This is a combination of so much artistic effort to get to this point. Congratulations to us, I guess. But Logan, you've seen this movie before, right? We didn't introduce you to rad. I saw it like last year with Tom and Dave and it was the first time I'd ever seen it. And I really looked forward to watching it again.

So I'm glad I got to watch it a second time. It is an experience. Yes, it's a fantastic movie. This is a story about my childhood. I moved out when I was 17. I was still in high school and I had my own place and me and my roommate wired 13 TVs to each other so they could all play the same movie.

And we had these grand plans to have these giant movie parties. And so we started throwing movie parties, but we basically would just have our entire high school come into our house and just rage. No one would pay attention to the movies. And I was like, this is just not working until the time we put rad in and fucking everyone was riveted. Like 80 people just watching all these TVs scattered about cheering for the movie rad. It's the most crowd-pleasing movie that's ever been.

I like that you throw a bitch in party and are like, this isn't working. 80 people are here having a blast. Everybody loves me. I live in the fucking hideout from like a teen gang movie in the 80s with my 13 TVs wired to each other. It's not working. It was like, yes. Yeah.

No, I mean, I was living the high life, but like it did not go according to plan. I really wanted to watch movies. And then, of course, we get crazy, but we started at crazy. And then I'm just cleaning the entire next day, or not. I didn't really clean the house. It just became more and more of a junkyard as time passed. But let's talk more about rad.

This was directed by Hal Needham, who was a stuntman, turns director. I was doing research for this movie. And you guys might have seen this because it's right on IMDb. He helped design a rocket car in the 70s, that he claims was the first car to break the sound barrier on land. Brings that sound barrier. Yes. This was not verified.

And in fact, I looked it up. It didn't actually happen until 1997, and a different group of people did it at. They broke the sound barrier. But I didn't even know that people did that. I would have assumed that was now possible. That sounds like the exact type of lie that a person named Hal Needham would come up with.

Yes, exactly. Hal Needham movie stuntman. Wasn't he smoking in the bandit? Wasn't he like Bert Reynolds stuntman? Yeah, he did every single... Was he in Hooper? ...directed every single Bert Reynolds movie. Yeah, he directed Hooper.

And I'm sure he was in it. Probably crashing through something or driving something. Smoking the Bandit 1 and 2, Cannibal Run 1 and 2, Stroker Ace, which is real solid. Cannibal Run is just the best series of movies. Yeah. Great idea for a movie. I was, Jackie Chan was in Cannibal Run 2.

Yeah. And that's an extremely racist thing. Yeah, even for the 80s. He was a Japanese guy in a super, like, Han car. Yeah, it was... Cheating and knowing Kung-Fo, he was every... He would just mash together Asian stereotypes.

Yeah, no one should ever do that. God damn it. Look, we cannot... You're not allowed. We lost Logan. We got a soundboard with two sound effects and it's completely destroyed the podcast. That's not true.

There are three. All right. There's three now. Did you give me my slide whistle at least? I didn't get a slide whistle. The next show. It was the only thing I asked for. Yeah, well, I betrayed you.

The Boeing is appropriate because there's numerous times during RAD where that sound effect needed to be in play. 100%. This movie absolutely could have used a few good Boings. Let's see who else is in this movie. They got Lori Loughlin, who was Aunt Becky on Full House, of course, and who's now more famous, probably, for getting arrested and doing too much in jail

for that college admissions scandal. And I look her up and she just got robbed. Yeah, who would get... She's like the first person to get arrested for that shit. She's like, how bad do you have to be at it? The thing that she lied about her kids doing was fucking crew rowing, which is the whitest sport to lie about.

Oh, yeah. The whitest thing you could pick, too. It's them and the big ol' white. Right. Yeah, it's a very... You got to be an incompetent criminal to be a wealthy TV star married to a fashion icon. I get mossy moe.

I don't know if that's a fashion icon. He was when White Men Can't Jump came out. But to get arrested is just unthinkable. I don't know. It's like being a president getting arrested for tax fraud. It seems like you could do it, but who would ever prosecute that? Somebody must have fucking hated Lori Loughlin.

And I argue that they wouldn't have if they'd seen Rad because she's fucking adorable in this film. Yeah, she's the best. Yeah. Yeah. The other guy I like in this movie a lot is the Sarge, Sargeant Smith, who plays the cop. That guy is the Carnov of Mike Haggard.

Yes, he's the Carnov of Mike Haggard. He's two seconds away from ripping his shirt off and running for mayor of that town and then just cleaning up the streets of crime. He can play a wide range that went on his IMDb and he played several characters named like Abdul. Like I guess a lot of people look at him and says, we're going to lean way into the Carnov side of this movie.

He played Pat Roach once. He had to have played Pat Roach once. And vice versa. Yes. They had to have conducted that switch partners twin scam at some point. He played a guy named Moonface in police story. And he played a guy named Tiger Man and Buck Rogers.

I actually know him from Jackie Chan's first American movie called The Big Brawl or Battle Creek Brawl, whatever. He played a guy called Kiss. And his gimmick was that he grabbed them and then give them a very passionate mouth kiss before he finished. And I'm not. Well, it's a good thing he was named that.

Yeah, it's a perfect name. Really didn't have many options. Yeah. Anyway, I love I love him. He's great. Talia Shire, who, of course, played Rocky's wife, Adrienne. She was in this movie. Made a lot of strange acting choices, I guess,

we'll get into as we get into the movie. But yeah, let's get started talking about the plot of Rad. So at least a good 10 minutes to get into the plot of Rad because the first 10 minutes are just fucking montages. It's so long. It's so long. It's so many montages. It's montages of like kids bouncing on BMX bikes,

but in a really abstract way that's like not framed correctly, or they're just like flying into the screen against a blue sky with sunshine and electric guitars and piano riffs. And I swear to God, if it's not 10 minutes. Yeah, it's very it's oddly beautiful in a very shallow way. So yeah, Instagram girlfriend. It's basically, yeah.

Don't come at me and laugh at BMX. Yes, it's beautiful art. This is set to what I'd say is a fucking 10 out of 10 song called Break the Ice by John Farnham, who is an Australian teen idol. Anyway, they play this song. I want to say five times in the movie. And the remaining 15 times are thunder in your heart. Right, and send me an angel.

Yeah, one very erotic scene to send me an angel. Yeah, they only use it once, but by God, they use it. Oh, hell yeah. We're going to have a big talk about that scene. Oh my God. Yeah, it might be just that scene. I mean, if we want to stick to an hour podcast, which hilariously, we're probably not going to.

But if we were going to, it could be just that scene. Send me an angel. But let's go through this part. We'll cut it all. Jamie, go ahead and just cut everything we say until we get to the send me the angel part. So our hero's a paper boy, and that's how we learned how to do all of his BMX tricks, because he just

fucks around on his route. He trespasses. He like just pelts people with newspapers. The opening is literally the video game paper boy, but in movie form. Like it even has the backing out station wagon thing. Yes. I think I wrote down all of his shenanigans.

Let me go through them real quick. He delivers a paper to two men in a boat fishing in the middle of a lake. He delivers a paper as if, of course, everybody just takes it for granted. This is what you do. He delivers a paper to a fire truck with its sirens on, on its way to a fire.

I have a theory on that. Yeah. What's your theory on that? Because what the fuck is that? I obviously think he started the fire. And he does every morning. Yes, because they were on call. They were responding to a fire.

And he had his arm out before he even saw him. He was just like, I get the paper now. We're responding to a fire. He rides a garbage truck while it lifts a dumpster over a fence. Like it's a vital part of his route. He rides his bike through a store while a man holds the door open to him. But the man hates it is clearly like, ah, god damn it.

So why are you holding the door open? Will you just bash through it and destroy your door every day? And finally, he whips it at a grumpy old man in a full tweed suit who says, the world would be a lot better off without kids. For those who have not seen it. That's the teacher who curses out Spicoli in fast times. Right. What else?

He was in ski patrol. He was Pops in ski patrol. He's the official grumpy old man in the 80s. That's true. You skipped the one where he flirted a little girl. I didn't like that one. There's this like eight-year-old and he's like, hey, good-looking. And obviously, it's not a good fun, but like, didn't like it.

It's just how the tone shifts from that time to now. He never stops moving long enough for it to be a sex crime. This is not. That's the rule, if you don't stop moving. This is not a concerned by kids. Her being seen involving a little girl in this film, just for future work, for listeners. Yeah, save your shit comes up.

Yeah. I agree with that. So this is in the 80s. This was a good guy. This is how you show the audience. Our guy's fun. He commits several crimes, but there's a lot of people. They're all pretty fun.

Most people are annoyed by him, but like, fuck those old people. They just don't know how to party, right? Like, oh, you bought some coffee. You wanted to drink it. Fuck you. Your coffee's on the sidewalk. Red! So now we cut to a town council meeting,

and they're meeting about Hell Track. And Duke Best is the main villain. And wait, the main villain is an evil bicycle manufacturer. Right. It should be stated that this is a movie about BMXing and an evil bicycle corporation. Yeah, it's very confusing because this guy is like sponsored by Mongoose Bikes, which is a real bike company.

So it's a real bike company. Why is he the bad guy in the movie? And everything they do is cartoonishly evil. Everybody that runs, could you not, was there not a law preventing you from just doing libel? Because I have a feeling they approached Mongoose Bikes to like sponsor this. And they said no.

And they're like, oh, fuck you then. Guess we have the best guess we're taking down big bike this time. It's funny you bring that up because every single character, concern, motivation and plot development has to do with BMX bikes. And here they are on the meeting and they're like, hey, we've got Hell Track. It's a bike race coming to town. It's going to be great for the town, for tourism and all that.

And then some lady stands up and her only problem with it is that, hey, what about our local kids and they're bike racing? Yeah, this whole town, this whole town turns on BMX. Yeah, this town's economy is BMX. It's not to be clear. It's not the town where this factory is. It's not like a factory town where it's just some random town they went to out in the middle of the fields that just loves BMXs.

Everybody here. Yeah, it was a logging town. I guess it seems to be the main industry. It's shifted to BMXing. Now it's BMXing. Now it's a BMX. This town loves BMX. Like the Valley and Karate Kid loves martial arts.

Just inexplicably. Just entirely about it. Entirely about this. But this lady's suggestion, hey, what about our kids in the racing makes the evil BMX guy say, okay, fine, we'll add a qualifying round so the local bike racers can try to get a spot in our, national race. And so that's the plot of our movie.

Also should be mentioned that the grumpy old man from the start is on this council. He will be a major character and his grumpiness will be a major plot point. In his full tweed suit being an 80-year-old man, he rides a BMX bike around because he is a big time BMX track designer. That's just the understanding of how the world works. Like this must be somebody. Did you notice how when you described him,

every element of it involved the bike? That's because this is a really tightly written movie. Did Hal need him also write this? Because like somebody, I can picture him having this understanding of the world that like, well, if you like something, that's your whole world. Like, right, you're going to write something about BMXing. Well, it takes place in BMX town and our main character is Johnny BMX. It's got to fight the evil BMX corporation.

Got the real BMX bike race. Got to have a bike love scene, of course. His love interest is as a lady biker. His enemies are enemy bikers. This is the most BMX that has ever happened. There has to be. There's no way to do more than this. This is the apex of BMX.

Yes, and here's where we established that bicycles are better than motorcycles because the cop shows up. Matt Roach. Yes, Matt Roach from Conan the Destroyer and Barbarian shows up while they're reading about BMX bikes that like the main character and his two friends are reading bicycle magazines in their home. And he shows up in his motorcycle in a real family way. Which is a shed, which is like an abandoned shed

that they have turned into a bicycle meetup place. And you can tell that because they have hung a sign on the wall that says bicycles. Yeah. What was this? Because like he has a home that he lives in with Talia Shire who's his wife. Also they have an abandoned shed in a lumber yard that looks like an active lumber yard because he starts riding his bike. Yeah, it is.

So and they've taken it. Local ordinance says you have to allow a bicycle shed on the premise. What do you do? It's BMX offices whenever needed. So they hung the sign that says bicycles. This is a bicycle shed now. It's called an eminent bicycle domain. It's in most BMX towns ordinances.

So the cop shows up just to sort of have a nice chase. Like he's not there to arrest them as far as I can tell. He wants to test his motorcycle skills against their BMX skills. And he does this by trying to race a big fat fucking Harley around a lumber yard in the dirt. And it does not go super great for him for some reason. Yeah. It's just there's so many see there's so many parts of this little montage chase scene

where anyone could have just died. Imagine having to explain that later on. And just like, well, you know, I was chasing him and he did a backwards flip off of a 15 foot high lumber pile. As he does every day when we do this. As he does every single day when we do this. Why were you chasing him? Man, I chase your son all day every day. Because it's crime.

Oh, no, no, no. We don't have crimes. In fact, when you take when you have a want on someone in this world, it only lasts for 40 minutes. And if you can't catch them in that 40 minutes, then all crimes are free. It's so great. I just I love the entire system of logic that it's built on where we're doing a movie about BMX. What's it about?

I don't know. Fucking everything is BMX. Doctors are BMX doctors. The two red stunts over the tables. I have in my notes here, Talia Shire. And that's all that says just with exclamation points because he goes back home to his mom and she's like, hey, you need to take your SATs. And he's like, oh, mom, there's a there's a bike race that day.

And that's like, now that's the conflict. That's the stakes because there's just the one day you can take your SATs. I want to pause on because he skipped over her introduction, which was her being super exhausted, taking groceries out of the back of a beat up station wagon all by herself, which is the most efficient. You can say this is a mom in an 80s movie. Yeah, she's just beleaguered from the start. Her character trait is beleaguered.

Yeah, Hal Needham said, there's no bikes in this part. Hurry up the fuck up. Make it more efficient. She does kind of a beat up station wagon vibe. Like she is the beat up station wagon of women. This woman brings the she's burdened with the sadness of a thousand World War One widows. It's just so much so much despair she brings to this.

And she is a widow, of course. She's a widow. Divorce might not exist, but every father is dead from I am assuming BMX accidents. BMX related crimes, yeah. So she wants him to go to college and he's like, I got to do the fucking qualifying race. And he leaves to go practice bike backflips. And he can't do it. That's that's part of his character, because he can't do a backflip.

Or I guess they call it air walking. He can't do it. So we're moving right along. We're now having a BMX bike parade. We have skipped over one little detail, which is that the sister pipes up when he's explaining that the qualifying round for this race for hell track is the same day he has to take up his his make up SATs. She she spoils that fact for him.

So he throws her in the garbage and closes the lid and then seals it tight. And when they end the scene, they cut back to her not having been let out of the garbage by the mother or the brother. And she just goes, oh, shit. Again, they just they just do this. This is not the worst thing that happens to this. Again, but it sets if we want to get this poor girl free from this abusive environment, we have to prove that there is a pattern.

Yes. They just threw in the trash and locked her in there. I don't get what the big deal is. It's the 80s. This is what you do with your kids. This is how I was raised. It's why I moved out when I was 17. So the big BMX stars are in town and they're like having a BMX parade.

Yeah. And here's what happens. The main bad guy, Bart Taylor, he gets out of the car they're in. He just fucking stops the parade and he walks back to Lori Loughlin's car to make out with her. And she's like, no. So they're not dating or anything. He's just like, he literally stopped the parade to go like, fuck, I'm going to go try to make out with that girl on our bike racing team.

And this is a recurring trend. Everyone in this movie is at a horniness level of 150 percent and they don't know how to handle it. No one knows what to do. It's not covered in BMXing. Yeah. What do I do? What do I do? It's not BMXing.

I think this is very appropriate. Also, my two favorite characters are about to show up. Yes. Are you talking about the twins? Yeah, the Tomacs and Zomot of this movie. Later on, they wear matching tracksuits that look like Cobra costumes. They're not even tracksuits. They have like villainous shoulder pads.

They wear like fucking Martian uniforms. It's exactly what Joe Max and Zomot would wear to the film. They're just out of Max and Zomot. It is ridiculous. So the bad guy stops the parade to go try to make out with Lori Loughlin. She says no. And he's like, oh, I got to get this girl off the team because she won't have sex with me. And so you're like, wow, this really sucks.

But that, I think, is the most severe sex crime in the movie, which is a lot. That's a very positive thing you could say about an 80s movie. So Crue also stops the parade to help a lady get her car through. And he actually seduces Lori Loughlin by giving her bedroom eyes from outside. That woman was clearly not given the right dialogue or not given any dialogue, so she had to improvise it. Because what she says is, I have to get home. This is so un-American.

Can you help me? That's what she says when they do the parade. This is so un-American. Can you help me? Yeah, that doesn't make any sense. Was it just my copy that I was watching? Because I got this from, I rented this on YouTube. But was the ADR horrible on yours?

I don't think I noticed. No, mine was fine because I didn't pay for it. That's the fucking lesson. That's American. That is American. So let's see, it cuts next to high school. Crew is, I think, I looked him up. I think he was 25 years old when they filmed this movie,

and does not pass for a high schooler. Yeah, why does he have a paper route? Immediately from the first scene, you're like, wait, hold on, he's like 30. What's happening? Why do we have like several of those guys are like 30? Every teen in this is by like CW standards, even pushing the limit of being a teenager.

There's several kids with mustaches during this high school dance. Like full mustaches. Like full cop mustaches. Like a mustache that has seen its partner die. Like Rick Rudd mustaches. They're bringing like their 10-year-olds to high school. The girl that he has a crush on, he's doing tricks for, she's at least 35 years old and very brawless.

And his tricks are so fucking sweet, and she just ignores him. She has no interest in me. Yeah, I thought that was the only realistic part. The only realistic part of this movie is that he's doing all of his tricks. He's like, hey, Katie. Hey, Katie, look at this. Katie, isn't this one cool?

She's like, oh my God, shut up. Get a car. What the fuck is that stuff? Right. It's like not even an option. She's like, I'll pick you up on my bike. She's like, uh-huh, whatever, fuck off. Like she doesn't even have contempt for him.

She like barely knows who this guy is. Well, you did offer to pick her up on your bike, which is you've shown earlier, he gives a ride to his little sister and she barely fits. His eight-year-old sister like barely fits on this bike. Yeah, the grown woman just hop on the back. She's like, I got to pick up my grandkids. They can't fucking ride their bikes on the prom.

Well, my way to a divorce, just not going to BMX on the back of a BMX up to my divorce. So we have another town council meeting already in act one. There's two town council meetings. There will be more. Just to show that all the local politics are tied up in hell track. Like there's a lot writing on this for the mayor.

They're now at the high school dance. Like all of the main bad guys in the town council, they're here at the high school dance. Which who are, again, like 80, they are not like they don't, their kids, their grandkids aren't here. They are from out of town and they are hanging out at a high school dance.

Getting tore the fuck up. Getting fucking drunk. They spike the punch. It's a crazy decision. Why are they there? There's no reason for them to be there. It's every businessman in this movie looks like an actor from unsolved mysteries

in a segment about a businessman that was murdered. They're the most seedy looking 80s business goons and they're all just hanging out in this high school like perverts. It is ridiculous. Yeah, this is how like you would depict embezzlement in like a silent movie. You would just show one of these guys rubbing his hands

and be like, oh, okay, I get it. I sort of took it that this is what Hal Needham does when he has some downtime. He just goes to high school dances with some friends and just gets tore up. Well, I'm 82. I'm going to get drunk at the prom. All the kids are just not even got a bat and eye at it.

Yeah. And so now the bad BMX guys show up to the high school dance and they look rad as fuck. Like Tomex and Zaymah are, yeah, matching suits and they start doing a dancer team that- A carefully choreographed. Carefully choreographed. I don't want to make it sound too good.

It actually looks more stupid and corny every time I watch this movie. I feel like at one point I was like, this is fine. But it is, I would say by most people's standards, very wack. My exact note, this sucks ass. Everyone is bad at dancing. That is my-

They're very, very bad at dancing. It's- See, my notes were all about how erotic it was. It's so fucking hot. Well, they do completely double team. The twins double team that lady in like, in mime form. They just grind on her from both sides. It's very much like an interpretive dance of the Eiffel Tower.

It's the corny dance. Everyone's too corny and they don't know what to do with it and they do this weird dance that was really just like an 80s thing where you just mimicked humping with like weird shoulder shrugs. Like it was like in every type of weird shitty 80s video. But all prepared, all carefully prepared and rehearsed ahead of time and all of the kids fucking love it. Yeah.

They love this. They're super into it. They came in and shoved everyone off the dance float. They're like, get the fuck out of here nerds. They're like, Jesus, that's really hostile. But I guess we'll let it pass since this is sweet, this whole routine, this is not weird and insane. There was a part I really liked where they surround the girl and the twins

and one gets in her crotch, one gets in her ass and they kind of peek at each other off to the side and they do that three or four times and then they give each other five. And that was like the whole routine. I'm like, that's sweet as hell. One of them, Mouth Kiss is a strange girl from the side and a lot of... It's in the choreography too that now I Mouth Kiss one of the strange women that will surely be there.

And note, earlier during their parade, they were calling every single woman in this town ugly. So... Right. Right, but now they're drunk. So... Yeah. The sexual energy is just coursing through them.

You'll bang a four at this when it's this hot. And they don't really clarify exactly how old these people are because clearly they're old enough that this is their professional jobs and this is a high school. Yeah, they're not in high school. Yeah. This is that weird 80s thing where like 22-year-old dudes were dating 16-year-olds and everyone's like, oh, this is fine.

You're right, there might be more than just the one sex crime I mentioned. Yes. But now comes what I think is probably one of the best scenes of the 80s. If you said pick five scenes from the 80s movies, it's going to be hard to push this out of my top five. If you said pick the most 80ist movie scene of all time, there's no question it's number one. Crew and Lori Loughlin come in.

Crew's the main good guy. They come in and they start just slow dancing on their BMX bikes to send me an angel. I love the start of this scene. In all caps, I just put they fuck with me. Yeah, I have that too. This is how this BMX movie in this BMX town where everybody can only think about BMX, they don't know what fucking is. They don't know what human fucking looks like.

So the way that they interpret that is this. It's BMX dance fucking, which this is. They know what bike fucking is for sure. The level of horniness in this scene of them doing their bike montage with each other is on par of like when you were a teen and you were watching a movie with your parents and an actual sex scene came on and you were uncomfortable. If you watch that scene with your parents as a teen, you'd have the same level of discomfort there.

It's my mom. Presently horny for sure. Yeah. Is this what BMXing is? It's BM triple X pretty much. So there's a part where where crew jumps up on the railing and he's bouncing up and down. That snap zoom to her face.

And Lori Loughlin just can't believe it. Like she like her panties are crawling off her ass. They slow zoom and like put her in focus in the background with her jaw dropping is just like like she is just discovering sex. Yeah, that's the money shot. A man bouncing on his bike on a balance beam. It's the most powerfully erotic thing she's ever seen. Also, the DJ is clearly like planned for this

because he has a whole lighting routine set up. Like there's. Yes. Yeah. At the start, he says could it be she and Bart are going to bicycle boogie for you? Yeah. This is not the first time it has happened in this town. Yeah.

There's a term. If I was the DJ and I guess I was a DJ in high school, I would have probably said on the mind what the fuck is going on. But this guy's like, oh, here we go with a bicycle boogie. They're doing routine number three. Which is which is slaying for sex in this bicycle town. They absolutely call it the bicycle boogie. Then they turn off my bike so I can master me.

Which is that little hopping move they all do. That's how they masturbate this town. Yeah, there's just so many tire track burns on people's genitals in this town. So that entire montage at the start was just like 18 kids masturbating. This is highly inappropriate. Exactly. What a scene, though. It sounds like we're making fun of it, but it is truly erotic and awesome.

And it goes on for it's not like a 30 second thing. Like the other dance was like a 30 seconds long. This is at least four minutes of this entire fucking scene. It just keeps going on and it never ends. Vaseline lenses, slow motion. It's all just like abstract. It's artful. It is artful pornography is what it is.

Exactly. Lori Laughlin transforms into Joy Ramona a couple of times because they couldn't get like a pretty female stuntman. There are so many times where stunt dude is a literal dude and just with a terrible wig. They couldn't find a woman who rides the bike. Throw them in. Like no women ride bikes in the 80s?

I guess not. But it works. They fall in love. So the next day they go on a nice date. She teaches them how to do a backflip and she gives them a good practical tip. She's like, you got to let your head lead the way. Stop trying to backflip with your body. And then she makes him remove the mattresses

because he's going to wipe out if he hits mattresses with his tires, right? First time he tries it, just fucking eat shit. Paralyze himself. Over rotates. Smash. He should be dead. Right on his back. It's like Mick Foley.

He also claimed he was like, no, that's crazy. Yes. Yeah, he should have shot a two through the top of his mouth. Absolutely. Yeah. But he survives and then he lands it and they go long-flooming and they talk about their future. Okay, do they call that?

I swear to God, I didn't have closed captions on. Do they call that ass-lighting? They call it ass-lighting and that lake looks so filthy. I have a note that just says everyone has UTIs right now. Yes. It's a filthy lake. It looks like a lake that a body would be found in. Yeah.

This is where Laura Palmer's body was discovered in Twin Peaks. A logging town, one body? I mean, there are bodies there every day. That's like the BMX coroner. BMX is up and just drags them out. I can't believe they called it. I was hoping I wasn't right. They call it ass-lighting.

It is absolutely ass-lighting. And then later in the movie, he says, man, I wish I could just go ass-lighting with you right now. Yeah, he sure does say it. And I have it in my notes like, check this. We need to check this because he sees her like, it's so in love and it's like, we need to go ass-lighting. That's fucking the filthiest goddamn thing I've ever seen.

It's fucking, yeah. Say that again, naughty boy. So, Laura Laughlin tells him that he could just take the SATs another day like a sane person. She's kind of the voice of reason in this movie. Right? And it turns out he can't. Like you're like, no, no, she must be misunderstanding.

But it turns out the entire six of this movie are that he has to decide between taking his makeup SATs so he can get into college or this one-time $10,000, potentially $100,000 prize BMX competition. He's like, oh, he's got to decide between his future that he's playing for and the future they want him to have. And then she says, well, can't you just take him again

a couple of months from now? And then he asks his mom, she's like, oh, yeah. Isn't it like six weeks from now or something? It's just a nothing amount of time. But she introduces the concept of like, you could just do that some other time, right? And he's like, holy shit. Oh, fuck.

That can't be right. When I asked my mom and he tells his mom, she's like, what the fuck are you? That's totally right. And then all of the stakes are gone and it's never mentioned again. You know, there's also a very awkward make out scene with them on the lake, which is, oh, just again.

Yeah, when they're not on bikes. Full of tetanus in this. Yeah. Full of tetanus, just straight up making out. In her now filthy tracksuit, which she used to go ass sliding. Okay. Well, the thing about ass sliding is,

where I'm from, you call it log flooming. When you say ass sliding, you could mean several things. One of them, of course, is log flooming, but most of them are fucking on a bike. Is log flooming, like, was that a thing that you guys did? I don't think everyone went down a log floom. In the Pacific Northwest? Absolutely.

Everybody. Okay, because I'm from Chicago, so I'm not familiar with that at all. So, yeah. I mean, the terminology did vary town to town. We called it ass ripping. Okay. And we would say to like your girlfriend,

do you want to go rip some ass? And she would be like, yeah. And that's how you knew you were in love. Yeah. We call that forest penetration. You did it on a bike, but like, so in the qualifying round, they send the kids to this park,

and it's just this maniac track where there's like these muddy stone steps that the children all go down together. Most of them should be dead, but crew survives. He makes it through three heats, and each of the heats, they play the same song from the intro, break the ice. It's very, very fucking strange.

I thought they play thunder in your heart. I thought they play thunder in your heart, and I'm pretty sure they do, because my notes just have in all capitals, thunder in your heart times three. I think those might be lyrics from break the ice. I think they switch it for the last race. Maybe.

It's just, it's amazing to me that they show that they're like, okay, well, the way this works is there's gonna be three of these rays, and then they show everyone. And like the point of the competition is that it wears you down from like your endurance, since you have to race back to back, and they're like, I want the audience to really feel that. So we're just gonna show this whole process over and over again.

Oh, no. That point of that is because they needed to stretch the runtime to a feature-length film. It's clear that they had no script parts for there, so they're just like, let's just show the exact same race three times. Just every other Quaker. We're gonna barely make it to an hour 30.

We've talked about how, what's his name? Crow. I keep forgetting the main character's name. Crew? Crew. Yeah, Crew. Crew looks like he's 30, and so does Bart. But every other racer that they bring from out of town

looks like they're 45. Yeah, right, because some of them are. They're fucking old. Well, they're actual professional BMX riders that they staffed with a little like clever cameos. So many of them, I mean, they're probably realistically like mid-30s, but have spent their entire life just out in the sun, crashing their face into gravel.

Yeah, as we all did. During their introductions, my notes just reads, every single one of these bikers died of cocaine within three years, because that is the exact case that they have. There's so much cocaine involved in the production of this film. I didn't look up anybody, because I knew they would all have sad endings.

Yeah, I looked up Hollywood Mike Madama, I think his name is, because in the final race, he's used as like a Hollywood Mike Miranda. It's his name and he's used as like a foil, because he just keeps crashing and eating shit and he's so bad and the announcer is like, oh, he crashed again. Turns out he's a real guy.

So what the fuck? Yeah, all those guys are, they're playing themselves. How did you get anybody's permission to just slam, slam Mongo, slam the pro biker who agreed to be in this? Hollywood Mike Miranda just eats so much shit. It's just, hey, we're going to make a movie about BMX and how much everyone involved in BMX fucking sucks ass. You're wildly corrupt and you're going to be our sponsor,

whether you like it or not. Well, I have it on my notes that after crew qualifies, he goes home and his mother says, you defied me. And she carries with her the anger of one million betrayed lovers. Like no one told her what kind of movie this was. And so she is just like always having her heart broken. And he gives her a passionate speech about mom, biking is my life and I fucking won $10,000 today and I'm the best

and everyone's cheering for me and the whole town is behind me. And it does not move her. She simply adds it to her pain. It's one more burden for her to carry. Until he says, plus I can take the SAT again in a few months. And then she's like, oh, okay. Yeah, the quickest turn in favor. Like because he's right.

And she's like, oh, I must have been confused about the stakes here. Yeah. Okay. Okay. If you fine, fine. Sorry. I don't think that's true. I think she's still made the choice that this is the most pained character that's ever been. But anyway, crew the next day gets ambushed by the BMX crews. I guess the ladies, I guess you'd call them like on retainer prostitutes

that they have these girls. Let's be tasteful. They're big shot BMX skanks. Okay. BMX skanks. That seems fair. So they're, they offer to just like have casual sex with crew. And he's like, I gotta go to work. But then he gets an offer from Duke best.

And they offer was In the creepiest way possible. Yeah. Like come in my car. Hey kid, come in my car. Come on. Come here. Talk. It's the worst stranger danger you've ever seen. Yes.

Hey kid, do you like penises about penises? Why don't you do that thing when you just hop up and down in front tire? He, he, he offers the money to throw the race and crews like, no. And he's like, Oh, is that what that was? I thought he just offered him money for like a sponsorship or something. No, it's made clear that, uh, that he, he made, he said, I'm going to pay you to, to not win. And he explains like the whole scheme. He's like, I want Bart Taylor to win so that we can sell Bart Taylor products.

And he's like, Nope. And then they, they go to the final race and the evil bad guy show, the henchman shows up with like a little rule book that he carries around. He's like, no sponsor, no, racy. And so he says it several times. He calls, that makes it, that means it's not like a mean thing that he says. He actually calls the race, racy. Racy.

Every time he says it, he goes, no more racy. We're not going racy today. Do you want to go racies? Could you just say race? Look how my character, I think he would say racy every time. All right. Fuck it. I don't know.

I'm, I'm a stunt guy and not a director. I made a rocket car. It broke the sound barrier. Yes. How we all fucking heard about that. So, so they sent me back in time. It did here to warn you. Why won't anybody listen?

This is the ninth time I've directed the film rad. Hell yeah. I call it 9 11. Yes, we've heard about the 9 11. There's some real darkness with the people running this race. Like I feel like at least one of them has killed a child at some point. Involved with like the racing scandals. They're all real jaded.

Yeah. Like BMX, BMX life has worn them down. You can't even start a race without a human sacrifice. That's held track by law number 815.5 alpha. But there is, there is a little hope because they, they tell him that bullshit sponsorship rule and the, the grumpy 80 year old man who was also an expert BMX track designer. I mean, his all tweet outfit over here is it.

He gives a slow shake of his head. Yep. Like the love of sport is overpowering him. This is an excellent time to point out something I noticed about this movie. That at this point in the movie, every conversation we see after it's over, it cuts to someone listening and they're very, very upset about it. And it's the only movie where everyone knows who the bad guys are and starts immediately saying like, oh no, no, I don't want to be a part of this.

Whereas most times it's like, I'm the evil tycoon. I'm going to take over this place and turn it into a parking lot. He's always got like 20 henchmen are like, yeah. But in this movie, every single person who hears the plan is like, no, no, no, that's fucked up. No, I'm, I don't want to be part of this. And they never set that up because up till now you're like, yes, this is a BMX town with BMX workers, we're living a BMX life. Surely this will all turn on the BMX company.

But then after like the, the midpoint turn here, it's just like everybody's, everybody acts like you would maybe really act if somebody was trying to like fuck up a kid's competition. Whoa, hold on. What? Don't do that. I don't know if it's now or after he tries it a second time, but the cop's face when he hears this bullshit is just incredible.

He's like, no, absolutely. Yeah, a long zoom where he just shakes his head. Yeah. Can't believe it. The cop is a good guy in this movie. So Lori explains to him what a sponsor is because crew does not know what a sponsor is. I guess he's like never heard of it. I guess he thought all the other racers really liked Pepsi or whatever.

Hey, right on. I like Coke too. She straight up points out Coca-Cola. Like this is a Coke. He's like, all right. He raises for Coke. Oh, I think I start from the beginning, Lori. Love one, explain finances to me.

You're so fucking lucky you bike so hard. So they hatch a scheme to sell shirts and help he his own sponsors. So obviously, duh, like, oh, I don't have a sponsor. Wait, I do. It's called fucking my little sister's t-shirt shop. Fucking anything, whatever. Yeah. Yeah.

So they start a whole t-shirt making operation where they trade homework fraud for labor. So they're like, hey, we'll help you with your homework if you go make t-shirts. And I mean, that's a very 80s thing to do. It seems like quite a crass thing. Quite a crime looking at it now, or at least unethical. But I don't see why they included that. Like if the whole point is that the town's rallying against him, you think they would just want to help to help instead of being bribed?

It's, and it doesn't come back up in any scene after that that they were using the homework. It's just a strange story. I was so immediately sure when they introduced the sponsor thing, and I was like, oh, the restaurant he works at is there for no reason. Like they're going to sponsor. Or the newspaper. Or anything, or literally any business could just be like, hey, but no, got to start a new business.

And then in the middle of making these t-shirts, they spank his sister. Yes. Not just him, but like three other women and children just spank his sister in the middle of high school. Playfully. Playfully in a fun way, which is, I guess, cool in the 80s. If I was editing this movie onto a Blu-ray, I would consider taking that out. You're like, I think the movie's better without the spanking the child.

I don't think you should have strangers' hands on your little sister's butt, and then claim you're the good guy. No. Very weird. It's, this is after you had thrown her in a trash can. Yeah. I guess, I guess comparatively the trash can was, was okay. I guess it's okay if you lock your kids in a trash can all day, but the spanking.

I think, here's, consider this for a second. What if you cut the little girl out from the movie entirely after the trash can, add some ADR dialogue of, of the mom saying, I can't believe you killed your sister. And then like, that's just how you get her out of the movie. Or you cut all of that, and then at the end, you cut back to the trash can and have her just going, hello? Can I come out? And then I'll be, I'll be good this time.

No little sister, no racy. We've got to bring our sister back to life. Okay, this is becoming a really good movie. They go back and use this, the rule, like just every time he comes back with something, they come back, that guy comes back with a rule book and tells him he can't racy because they've just added a new rule to the rule book. That you, it has to be a company with 50,000 printed it. That means they've printed it out every single time they've changed the rules.

Just hand drawn in the margins. Fuck you. No one ever asked to see it. It's probably just fucking 200 blank pages because he does declare the next one is, I wrote this down, hell track bylaw number 812.3 Bravo. And that implies a whole lot of fucking bylaws. Yeah. And the new rule is that your sponsors have to have $50,000 in sales

and they only have about $480 in sales. And so they're far off. So Bart, it gets pulled out of a fist fight for the second time in the film. His little sister actually kicks the shit out of the henchmen. And now they, at the end of the scene, they cut to Bart. I have that in my notes where this is another scene where everything happens and then it pans over to someone looking very, very disappointed in it. Yeah.

The main bad guy that's filled now is just like, oh, that's fucked up. This is a race for kids. Yes. So now everyone in the town hates the bad guy. The only bad guys now are the main one and the henchmen. Everyone else is solidly against them. Even the evil BMX biker, even the cop, even the town council, even the grumpy old man.

Certainly the grumpy old man who hates kids, even though he designs epic BMX biker tracks. Don't ever get over that. And I love this scene where at the end of that, where the henchmen gets fucking beat up by a little girl. They get humiliated by the entire town. Their scheme is falling apart. He goes, we really told them, boss.

And then this is when they pan over to the cop. The cop sees this and he's like, no, I disapprove of whatever's happening in this movie. No. It's just great face acting right there. Yes. Just 100 percent. Crew has a moment of weakness here where he's like, oh, fucking money runs everything. I should just give up and should have sold out.

And Lori Laughlin immediately abandons him. Here's like one sentence out of his mouth and doesn't say like, dude, get it together. Just fucking runs out on him. But they fix it in the next scene because he's a perfect paper boy. He doesn't do any more trispassing or vandalism. He's just a good paper boy and beats his record. He was trying to go for a record the whole time. And he found out the secret to beating that record was just to not do all of his wacky bullshit.

And this is the first time that occurred to him. Like if I if I just ride straight out and I don't like have have some wackiness in a lake and have some wackiness with like an active fire, if I don't burn down that orphanage, then I can make it in record time. And it works out and it wins his girl back. They have another town council meeting. And in this one, everyone's mad that they muscled the local kid out of the race. They're like, hey, god damn it.

You you keep making up these bylaws right in front of everyone's face to specifically make it so this kid can't race. This drama would take an hour to explain to someone if they didn't know what was going on. And everyone in the entire town is like fully aware of it. Like they're all so involved in this. The Sarge actually gives a speech about how like it's fucked up and they should let the kid race. And so they solve the problem not by like forcing them to change the bylaws,

but by saying, OK, fine, let's raise $50,000. And they almost do. They raise like $25,000, $26,000 in this room of 10 towns people. And I don't know if you've ever seen a city council meeting, but these are not people with $1,000 each in their checking accounts. But these are fucking crazy people. This is 80s money, too. Yes. That's $10 million today.

Yeah. Like fully half of this movie by this point has been either slow motion shots of people on BMX bikes or careful town council meetings about BMX. And every single like I mentioned this, every single character hates Duke best now. Like like the scheme is out. Everyone knows what he's doing. They're like, you're trying to make this local kid come in second. So your guy wins so you can sell stuff.

But like, I don't think that's going to work because we all know what you're doing. And like a random bike race is fine. Like if someone wins a random bike race, hooray. But a scandal where someone is fixing a little kid bike race is so much more interesting than that. So this guy can't get away with this. It's done. The scheme is dead. Even if his guy wins, it's like, yeah, he won that fucking fixed race. That's the only thing people know about this race is that it's fixed.

I guess that's my point is that the plot has completely fallen apart. And the grumpy old man gives Duke best the first of two fantastic middle fingers. I have that in my notes. If you watch rad, there are two moments where Ray Wollstone is the actor's name. And he flips off Duke best and it's just like, how is this not the meme we use to communicate with each other every day? He really goes for it. Fuck you, evil BMX manufacturer.

Fuck you. I'm going to go shred my fucking custom made track that I made just for getting out my emotions. I really wish the movie was him saying like, fuck you, I'll do it myself in entering the BMX race at the end. God, that'd be so good. Cut to the same stunt person in like a gray hat, gray wagon hat. Yeah. He's still in the tweed suit the whole time.

He's just doing backflips on. Absolutely has to be. How satisfying with that a bit? And we covered it once before, but I do want to reiterate that Laurie Laughlin at some point in this big race runs up in her v-neck skin tight bike outfit. Right as he's about to go on and he's and crew looks at her and says, God, what I wouldn't give to go ass lighting with you right now. Who wouldn't say that?

Like all I have in my notes is Laurie Laughlin, a racing jumpsuit, capital letters. Yes. Like that's just, I was strongly in favor of it. I know she's a terrible monster. And obviously if she's a wealthy white woman who got arrested for college admission scandals, everyone who's met her must hate her. She's a cannibal. Yeah.

Like if you got arrested for that, it's really to cover up your cannibalism. We all know that. But 1986, Laurie Laughlin in a racing jumpsuit can get it. And by it, we explicitly mean ass lighting. Yes, I don't think there's any question about what I meant. Bike boogieing also. Bicycle boogie. Yeah.

Some, you call it that in some regions. So all the racers give him a pep talk. She gives him a pep talk. The sergeant gives him a pep talk. Crew is fucking fired up for this race. Have a town council meeting about the pep talk. Yes. And now we learn about the hell track rules.

It is a giant fucking 25 foot wall. Got to kill all of these children. If you haven't seen this movie, it really is like dropping children out of a third story window down a wall like out of a helicopter into another helicopter. It's like I would say a warrior wall. Yes. There's no way you'd get down this without dying unless you've done this thousands of times. It's just like let's eliminate all the people right off the start.

They take a leisurely 30 minute introduction for every single stuntman. These are all pro BMX riders and they just, it's like a Canadian roll call. In my notes, I have that this is the BMX version of the key and peel college football sketch. Yes. They just keep introducing new character after new character with ridiculous names. Yeah, they get stupid. Hollywood, Mike Miranda, though, is fucking solid. Hollywood, Mike Miranda, who just spends the entire race eating shit and getting called out for it.

He's wearing pink too. It should be made clear his racing suit is pink. They knew what they were doing. Yeah, they knew what they were doing. So crew worked with a guy named Bob, who he called Blob, who's just sort of a piece of shit from earlier in the movie. And he is trying to brag about how he knows crew during this race to a middle-aged Asian woman eating popcorn.

He's like, I know that kid. She's like, you don't fucking know that guy. He's like, I do work with him. And he starts taking her popcorn. And then it just cuts as if to imply like he's going to get somewhere with this. They never readdress it, but they definitely are ass sliding somewhere. Definitely. Same thing.

Same thing in my notes. Ass slides the old Asian woman. Crew's mom is in the crowd, certain she's about to watch him die. Bring in that same energy, that whole like, oh my God, I'm surrounded by so much death. Well, then they reveal the wall and you're like, oh. Yeah, she's right to be worried. Talia Shire's entire character is just hers from like Rocky movies, telling him that he can't win and then coming in again for the fight.

It's a very easy walkthrough of a movie for Talia to do. Yeah, nothing, but she's known nothing but sadness. And she's watching it happen more and more. It's her future. It's her past. But the cereal bowl in the race is pretty cute. It does nothing to take away from her to spare. But there is a giant, big-ass cereal bowl.

They have a kick-spool that they have to. I wrote, imagine dying in a kick-spool. There's some really close calls with that kick-spool when they do the hot dog. Bash your head on the corner. There's some guys who are just getting wiped the fuck out by that fucking. Because you, yes, to explain the kick-spool, the kick-spool is about the size of like a relatively big kiddie pool. And there is a giant fake spoon that they ride off of,

which is just so many people eat shit. A single file plank for like 15 bike racers. Yeah. So yeah, so they all have to take turns once they get to this bowl. Just concussions brought to you by kicks. Crew gets muscled off the track by one of the twins. That's their game plan. As Bart goes in front and then the two twins, Tomax and Zemot,

is their job to like fuck up crew and keep knocking them off the track. It is comically pointless because at this point, everyone in the entire town knows what they're doing and hates what they're doing. And crew does a sweet backflip to jump over this slalom part of the race. There's a part of the hell track that's like, they have to zip back and forth through these like slaloms. But I also think that there's no point to that. Like it looks like you could just ride your bike straight through it.

Yeah, it's, that part is hilarious, but it's also, there's weird, because this is a movie, I don't know why they included that, but there's huge tracks of land where it's just them straight up pedaling. And it looks so funny where it's just a montage of them for like 15 seconds, pedaling as hard as they can on a BMX bike. Nobody looks cool stand up pedaling on a bike. And then if you put them all in a row, it's just, it's like an angry gang of ducks coming at you.

It's also because like BMX's are so much lower than like a mountain bike. So you're just, your knees look like you're on a tricycle. Yeah, it looks like you stole a kid's bike or like your video game glitch or something. Now I'm worried we're going to skip over this, but when crew starts doing backflips and shit, the announcer says something. I don't want to step on you, but what does the announcer say? I want you to, if you have any notes, please. Hulk Hogan, eat your heart out.

Famous backflipper, the famous backflipper Hulk Hogan. I would love to see Hulk Hogan do a sweet backflip. I would love to see that. I don't think that happens, announcer. What were you trying to say? His cartilage-less knees would just fly off his legs. Like even at his prime, his knees would shatter. He has arthritis from like 20.

His doll hair flying in the wind behind him as he pedals as hard as he can. And you can hear his knees grinding. Hulk Hogan, famous BMX backflipper, eat your heart out. Oh my heart, a backflip Hulk Hogan, eat your heart out. Just stunning writing. Yeah. So Bart knocks over one of the evil twins because Bart's character arc is complete. He now is a sportsman and he wants to compete with crew.

One-on-one. So he, uh, he waits for crew, like underneath this bridge. And he's like, okay, catch up to me and we'll have a fucking one-on-one race. No cheating. Now we have a samurai duel of honor with our bikes. And it cuts to crew's mom and she's just so tense and, and sad. And it's so, it's very tense. She's watching a war play out for the life of her son,

though his soul may already be forfeit. And crew wins with a fucking 360, like grandstanding. Yeah, that was shitting. That was shitting. I wish he'd lost because of that. It would have been hilarious. Just that cost him the race. But it did make his mother crack a smile, the hardest one smile in all of cinema.

I knew 50,000, no, 110,000 dollars plus the $50,000 that the entire town raised for him. And she's still like, God, I don't, I don't see the value of this biking. My son's number one passion and, and huge source of income. I don't know. I knew, I knew mom. One day I'd crack your heart with a sweet 360. Crew has earned more money than her probable, like maybe 10 years of employment. And she would say ever.

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, this is 80s. So yeah, probably she's what? Getting like 575 an hour, I'm guessing. Did they see what she did for a living in the? No, because that would involve background. She was beleaguered stuff.

Yeah. She was beleaguered for a living. Her job was mom. So Bart lost everything. He obviously betrayed his, his team and his sponsor. And they're like, fuck you, Bart. And everyone hates him on his team. And then he goes, your history and you'll never work again.

We get that old chestnut. Yeah. Yeah. Zama and Tomas are like, hey, thanks, buddy. Like just, okay. His friendships are gone. Gave up everything for honor. And then crew did a fucking 360 when he won.

Yeah. He shouldn't have, like, that's the thing where that's not good sportsmanship. He shouldn't have said, hey, good race. He'd be like, man, fuck you. I like waited for you because I'm a sportsman. And you come, you fucking do that showboating at me over the finish line. But no, instead he says, great race. And they're like, hey, I heard you lost your job and everyone hates you.

You could always join team rad. And then he seems into it. And then they play the song again, the break the ice song for the fifth time. My note says fifth time, but you guys see, one of those might have been the thunder song. Yes. But the one, but many of the thunder in your hearts may have been break the ice. It's impossible to tell.

Now I have a theory into each other. Yeah. Definitely. I have a theory about the end of this movie. And here it is. See, they, they both, when they face off and they say join team rad, they both grab Bart's bike and lift it in the air together. And then it freeze frames and it cuts to random shots of BMX bikers

doing stunts while thunder in your heart plays. And so my theory is that them lifting that bike together counts as a high five and then a freeze frame and cuts to shots of stunts. Well, a song called thunder in your heart plays. This is a Jackie Chan movie. You're right. There is the Jackie Chan, one Jackie Chan star in it. Yeah.

And, and Matt Roach is there. So yeah, this, that's how every Jackie Chan movie ends. They high five freeze frame cut to stunts. Well, the only thing is somebody eating shit in that end montage because Jackie is not above showing him get a whooping in those. Yeah. That's really what it should have been. It should have been a bunch of people dressed as Laurie Laughlin

just fucking losing their teeth, getting concussions in a kicks bowl. It should have been all the Hollywood Mike Miranda outtakes. Just him just crashing in the walls. Ends with rest in peace, Hollywood Mike Miranda. Yeah. The craft is nitratis nituna. Shit in the hundersaw. The hour and a stunder.

Come on, Sean. You kiddin' them all. Ice nine hunders. Ice nine hunders. Frankfurt. Ice nine new in New York. Ice nine hunders. Frankfurt.

Ice nine hunders. Ice nine hunders. Frankfurt. Ice nine new in New York. New York. Yeah. No, a thousand. Gather around the heart, younglings, to hear tell of the brave adventurers

who risked everything to cast the all-powerful Ring of Evil King Dormair into the fires of Mount Hot Dog. These were the Supremes. Neofont, who betrayed the party for Dormair's Ring. Freefinger, Louie. Aaron Crossden. Adrienne H. Aidan Moat, whose mind was swayed to betray the party for Dormair's Ring.

Alpha scientist, John. Armando Nava. Benjamin Sirani. Bim Talzer, who betrayed the party for Dormair's Ring, but did later apologize. Brandon Garland. Brian Saylor, who betrayed the party for Dormair's Ring and did not apologize.

Not even when pressed. Breanne Whitney. Brockway loves the meat milling. Sarah Chase McPherson. Chris Brower, who betrayed the party for Dormair's Ring while on horseback. That's different. It's vehicular betrayal. Jurius Glare.

Dan B. Dean Costello. Donald Finney, the Ring Betrayer. Who was called that before the adventure for other reasons, but did betray the party for Dormair's Ring? Dr. Awkward. Eric Spalding. Fancy Shark.

Hambo, who betrayed the party for Dormair's Ring and then put it on. Down there. Haraka. Hot Fart. Jaber Al-Aidan. John Dean, who definitely betrayed the party for Dormair's Ring. Holy shit. John McCammon.

John Minkoff. Josh S. Ken Paisley. K&M. All of whom betrayed the party for Dormair's Ring. Laziest Man on Mars. Matt Cortez. Matt Riley.

Mike Stiles betrayed the party for Dormair's Ring. Then betrayed Dormair to the party. Then betrayed the party again. Moju. N.D. Neil Bailey. Neil Schaefer betrayed the party for Dormair's Ring, but in a really charming way that they just couldn't stay mad at.

Nick Ralston. Nick H. Ozzy Olin betrayed the party for Dormair's Ring, and then proposed with it. Patrick Herbst. Rev. Rhiannon. Rich Jocelyn resisted the power of Dormair and stood strong. He, hold on, I'm getting a news hawk.

He has just betrayed the party for Dormair's Ring. Sarkovsky. Timmy Leighy. Tostigam. Tom Sikula. Tommy G. Yosarion. Angeloho, who did not betray the party for Dormair's Ring,

he asked for a necklace. For which, yes, he did betray the party.