The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - Dogg Zzone 9000 - Episode 63, Twin Sitters With William Sellari!

Episode Date: March 2, 2022

Brockway once again phonebook rips the fabric of reality asunder, dumping Seanbaby and special guest William Sellari inside a Barbarian Brothers movie. This time they're piloting the ample meatships of Peter and David Falcone in the 1994 action comedy, Twin Sitters!

One nine hundred hot dog. One nine hundred hot dog. Out of podcast slams with maximum hype. Say hot dog podcast work. Yeah. When you taste that nitrate power, you're in the dog zone for an hour. Come on.

Do not remember. One nine hundred. One nine hundred hot dog. One nine zero zero. One nine hundred hot dog. One nine hundred. One nine hundred hot dog. One nine zero zero zero.

Yeah. Nine thousand. Welcome to the dog zone. Nine thousand. I'm The Internets. Sean Baby and with me, as always, is my very handsome partner, Rubber Brockway.

Here's a Brockway fact. I once abused my press credentials to steal a dangerous prototype unicycle. No follow-up questions. It sounds like a Portland crime. I hope it was destroyed. I hope it was destroyed so no one could use it. You just nailed it.

It was a Portland crime. There's no other city where people ride unicycles. It's how I do that. Dangerous prototype unicycles that you would need press credentials to get. That is a Portland specific problem. It probably just had like a hook to keep you utility killed out of it.

And you're like, you've got to have it. And it's skinned every single person from the waist down. With us today is our special guest, video producer, William Solari. Welcome to the dog zone. Hey guys.

I also want to say I'm fucking thrilled to be here because I lived most of my life thinking I would never hear anything as awesome as the video power theme song until you guys brought it back and just like gave it like horse hormones. And fucking made it better. Hush. Nobody knows it's a reference.

Nobody even knows it's a reference. Nobody has once ever gotten it. It's insane, right? This is going to be a huge controversy. People have seen that show, right? It wasn't just us. No one has seen that show. It was.

It's nuts. And that host is absolutely dead of cocaine. There's no way he lived past season two of that show. I like to think he's like a lawnmower man now. He's living in the machines. Absolutely. One look in his eyes and you realize that guy at some point turned to Jesus and it's like

way too into Jesus now. He's like as into Jesus as he was into cocaine. Yeah. He's that guy. Yeah. And found like a paycheck and a following amongst like televangelist and shit like that now, right? He's like one hit YouTube video away from getting

rated by the FBI. Now, Will, you've done a whole bunch of eclectic projects. Is there something you'd like to plug here at the top of the show? We like to just do crazy shit and bail on the show usually. So if you need to plug something. Yeah, that's fair. Do it now.

No, I just want to plug the way we met each other, Sean, which was going to be a fucking awesome show about video games that for a Dell and Alienware that never took off. I recall that. Yeah. It was like, and it literally flew Sean to Austin, got ready to shoot the next day and like at the 11th hour, the literal 11th hour.

They were like, no, let's not do that because we don't know if we want to, we want to do Dell's gaming line or Alienware's gaming line. But I mean, the show was going to be great. It was going to be like swords and me and Sean, we're going to fight Kendo masters and we're going to test out like the sword buster and like the master sword and that like eyeball vein sword from Soul Calibur to see.

What was the premise? What was the premise of this? Just swords. Yeah, it's just been awesome. It was it was showing video games. Sword time with Sean, baby. Yeah. Which like, how could that, who could say no?

But like, it was a, you know, it was showing video games, video game culture was like a, like a low brow, this American life, but like a high brow, Jackass where we'd explore like a theme in video games each week has to be like me and Sean and Samantha Long and, you know, both as well as great talent. But, you know, I would get attached to a lot of, if I'm being honest,

I get attached to a lot of projects that were Jackass plus like a nerd thing. Like, I think people just really like, so watch me get hurt. Yeah, it's very much me. You're the dork Johnny Knoxville. You're the less cool Johnny Knoxville. That's 100% fair. That's true.

Isn't it? What year was this? What that this sounds like? Was that like 2007? Yeah. And it was really when everybody was trying to figure out how to have their own YouTube but not be you. Yeah.

This sounds like a 2007 problem. Yeah. It was like for Dell's own like digital lounge. We've got to do something with video games and maybe internet. We got some money. 300 grand. How do we just get rid of it? Well, it was going to be great.

And we're going to like go to Alienware. It was going to be this like thing where I'm doing like a very straight tour of the place while Sean and like Sam are running around like, you know, like Hicks and aliens and treating it like it's actually an alien facility and fighting their way through it kind of like hard gay style. All these great stuff. But yeah, they just totally canned it.

That's a hard gay is a Japanese character, right? We're more like, That's a reference. You kind of always want to back up and explore. Yeah. It wasn't, wasn't, wasn't pitching any porn. Yeah. I mean, I'm open to whatever, but like we got to really hammer

out the details for 300 grand. That's what you want. It's a lot of hot dog. I think we could get this made for like 200 or 300 bucks. The crazy thing was that showed it and like die for a while. Like at some point, Richard Garrett was on board and then what was that MMO he did that just lost tons of money? Was that that EverQuest, like 3D Minecraft game?

Yeah, it was like his sci-fi game. I don't remember the name, but that happened. And then he was out and just, you know, it was cursed, unfortunately. But that's how we get to know each other. We're going to do the barbarian adventure game part two today. This I'm going to hand over the podcast to Brockway. But before we start, I want to check in with you to see if

you have any knowledge or experience with the barbarian brothers. Have you seen their films? I, yeah. I mean, so on and off. I mean, I'd seen the barbarians probably every month of my life since it came out. That film, yeah. Instrumental Canon film.

The other one's not so much despite being directed by like John Paragon. And that was another like tie-in back to Austin. We pitched a show for the barbarian brothers called Camp Barbarian where it was going to be a fat camp. Did you bring in a ringer? You brought in a barbarian ringer? Well, here's the thing.

The barbarians. I worked with those guys forever. And that's another show like unlike our show that got canceled for like zero reason. Well, a lot of good reasons for that one. Yeah. We had established Camp Barbarian, got a production company involved.

We're talking to Discovery. And in the middle of the phone call, Peter Paul just goes, hey, thank you guys for taking this call. I just want to let you know the show is going to be a success because last night I had a dream that there was a wolf. And the wolf had a tomahawk in its mouth. And it was running down a road made out of light. And that light was words of encouragement and positive reviews

for this show. Okay. And that was a problem to somebody? To Discovery, apparently it was because they were just like, oh, thanks for the call. And we're gone. Oh, man. You're making a reality show.

That would be a double. You just doubled your budget, buddy. Well, back then everyone thought shows cost a billion dollars. So they were afraid to put money towards anything other than... Wait, what was the premise of Camp Barbarian? Was it just like we're going to start a camp and we'll see if you survive? Well, yeah.

Peter and David had like, they admittedly said that they had like bigorexia when they were kids. And like, couldn't do enough steroids. Couldn't lift enough weights. No. I know. Shocker. When they were kids.

We've really got it under control now. That's the Barbarian brothers. 318, yeah. They were like breaking records at like Gold's Gym and like, you know, throwing like 500 pound dumbbells through windows and shit and just being just amazing, crazy humans. And then I think, you know,

and maybe this is like more of a subject if you guys had John on the show too, where we could like deep dive into the like psychosis behind steroids and like almost being famous and how that makes you like crazier than being famous. Wow. That's a bit heavy for the dog zone, 9000.

But we're going to do the opposite of that. Yeah, I know. Which I'm good with too. But they got real introspective and like sort of new agey and real like into like health and fitness in a way that was actually healthy. And so they're like, yeah, we could do a fat camp and because we know how to like

help kids like that. But, you know, they're also kind of crazy. So it was good. It was a great recipe for a show. Yeah. He's going to talk about fucking laser wolves running through the night. Yeah.

That's the hard thing about those guys is because like they're genuine about they were rest in peace, David. They were genuine about like everything they said and did. And even if it was like crazy, Peter used to sign all his emails. Yeah. Peter used to sign all his emails, believe in the magic of your dreams.

And it wasn't like a joke. He was just like, for real, do it. Why not? I mean, I fucking look at us. I think something might not be believing in the magic of your dreams. And I just want to send a quick reminder. Which could have been the problem with discoveries. We didn't believe hard enough.

So at least in that wolf dream. Yeah, that's making a reality show. And your principal star calls you and tells you about your tomahawk wolf dream. Like, that is nothing but good news. Right. That's your best case scenario. That's crazy to me that they were like, oh no. A host of our reality show might be

unstable. I want to check out of this. Keep in mind, this is like pre-honey boo boo like era reality television. So people were still kind of weird about exploitive television or what they thought could end up being exploitive television or like a liability.

And so they just ran. But yeah, it could have been great also. And that's the story of how cowardice cost us the greatest show ever. I know. But again, 35 kids, they're fitness. And I'm confident that most of the industry listens to you guys podcast

and it's just fucking getting on the phone with, you know, every agency right now to make these things happen. Yeah. All right. Well, you've seen Barbarian. Have you seen twin sitters? That's what we're going to be talking about today. I

once a long time ago. And follow up question. Very important. How wasted? Well, so I remember twin sitters like after, you know, we saw the Barbarian Brothers where we have to see all these guys in movies. And I think at some point wasn't like the one where

there are truck drivers and the one where their baby sitters like on TV, like all the time. Maybe. That's sort of what I remember. But that's about the extent of it. That and John Paragon and I don't remember anything else about it. And I'm sorry, unlike Sean, the

nanny genre is not my like. And it's awesome. It's no barbarians. I've seen several minutes of it many, many years ago. Don't remember a thing. I did put the theme song on our sound board, but I promise

I didn't even listen to these lyrics. This is a song what you're looking at performed by one of them. Well, you they both are musicians. I agree completely. Listen to this. I like that. So breakbeat there. Oh, you don't.

Good. All right. Well, today we are going to play Brothers and Barbarians. It's like Dungeons and Dragons, but bigger and stupider. It's a role playing game where you, the two of you, are the most barbarian of brothers, the barbarian

brothers. I'm going to take you through the major events of Twin Sitters and you're going to tell me what you would do in that scenario. And I'll tell you if it matches up, you get barbarian points if you get close or if you're just fucking barbarian as hell about it.

Nice. Like get that barbarian spirit in you. It's never left. 7% ready, which is barbarian for 100% ready. They're not good at math. That's the spirit. Okay. We're doing Twin Sitters.

It's a 1994 action comedy. It was a home alone ripoff starring, of course, the barbarian brothers. It would be crazy if it didn't. It's just so wild in tone, though, like they made a wacky home alone like kids crime home

invasion kind of sort of movie and then they just went off into the woods on a laser wolf made a light and they just never came back and it's they tried to make it an action movie so it veers wildly between like a hardcore

action film and home alone like wacky shenanigans. So you're never going to know where you're standing and I want you to keep that in mind as we play. I feel like Sean explained this one time in an article where it was like, you know, writer's rooms like in the 80s, 90s were just like mountains of cocaine

and people just writing down every idea and I don't remember the beats of this movie, but I feel like nothing is, you know, sacred or can't be done. Well, I'm warning you right now, if you don't remember the beats of this movie and you're going to try to logically

project the as a movie would go, you're not going to get it. What you have to do is just let the barbarian spirit fill you with light wolves and run down the road to the twin sitters. That's how you're going to do it.

All right, you ready? Let's go. Let me set the scene. A lonesome American highway at night the last thing possums and female hitchhikers will ever see. The honk of air brakes settle a big rig. A trucker steps from the cab

looking like his name is Big Hank. His name Big Hank. He checks the woods for watching eyes crosses to the rear of his cargo and releases a valve. Toxic sludge pours out and into the nearby river. He coughs and gags on his own corruption.

A lonesome American parking lot at night the last thing cockroaches and anybody that says yes to the question want to see the inside of my van will ever see. Two executives tired in let's say business evil

are having a conversation. Frank the lesser evil says I want it stopped my neck is beginning to hurt from looking the other way. He thinks that sounded cooler in his head. Strom the greater evil says all right

what's a visit to the chiropractor going to cost me and he knows that was cool as shit. He really sells that line. He's played by Jordan George Lazenby and he gets like four lines on this movie and he knows this one is the best one and he just he nails it.

I want you to know that he nails it and that I know you nailed it George Lazenby. Frank says I won't have it Strom it's got to stop or Strom says or what Frank have you forgotten that your darling orphan nephews have extremely shootable bodies.

It's quiet Frank. He didn't think of that. Strom leaves and Frank makes a nervous phone call. It's me I'm ready to talk over to you the barbarian brothers. You are in a fine dining restaurant where cartoons of rich people

like you'd find in the New Yorker are eating terrible food made by a diseased ogre and it's hilarious. You Sean are Peter Falcone you are wearing a tuxedo made for a child and it screams in agony every second it tries to contain your torrent of flesh.

You are a waiter. How do you take your tables order? I have two words for you walrus noise cute up the walrus noise even if I wasn't going to give you a barbarian

point and you can't stop it which is perfect you get a barbarian point for that. It was not accurate but man you could not be more barbarian in spirit you actually say

may I take an order please it is perhaps an Italian accent I'm not sure why you can't do an Italian accent since your thing in this movie is that you're Italian linguists will suicide debating what accent that was supposed to be the diners need a moment just stunned

by the thing that you have laid in front of them Will you are David Falcone take your tables order I mean I would like to just add real quick that as an Italian I approve this stereotype the muscle waiter

the muscle twin waiters and your ample description of the fit of this tux I'm just going to flex out of that tux great way to start any conversation not even going to have words you just go walk up to your table and flex straight out of your tux just right out of my shirt and then what do you want

you know you get a barbarian you definitely get a barbarian point for that you actually say please and your patrons are instantly furious they just ask you for a moment

get this guys it's the same table and they're so mad they don't realize and then you show up together and what your twins important question for the both of you is there a slide whistle had the slide whistle cue you are correct

there is a slide whistle both putting down a barbarian point for that a rollicking start here maybe I'm just in a good mood I got to dial back I will say you do have a gift for this like if there was an alternate audio track that we could play over this movie I think

you have found a second calling I'm just going to my gift is that I meant to write this movie so I'm just going to write it again here I don't know if it's a remake or whatever but I wrote twin sitters like backwards in time and now it is

or I'm confident there was never a novelization of this film which again that is a really great patron reward give me that we get to this level then you guys get a novelization of one of the films we cover on this show let me write like 63,000 words barely enough to be considered a novel

and then put the movie poster on it and put it in a safe way those novelizations aren't barely considered literature I mean like words so maybe fine it is for bored children to pick off a rack as their parents are grocery shopping alright

here's the thing you have both while we've been talking you've both left your orders way too long under the heat lamps the disease chef is growing unhappy what do you do should we bark at him? that seems kind of like that's a go to

if we're totally confused as to what to do I think we should bark I remember there was a weird kiss that they did in the barbarians I think we should kiss at least once I don't think we should use that yet yeah there's a hop it's gonna be one if there is

I feel like we should lift something I think maybe throwing this food would be a pretty good option yeah if you're on the same page as me I say we throw this food either at the diners or at the chef maybe one of us take each

we could carry the chef to the diners holding the food or while the chef has the food in hand just to deliver them a human above our heads it seems like a good feat of strength maybe or just toss them too

this is very spiritually accurate but I'm not gonna give you a point because you didn't go barbarian enough the answer is you've left things too long under the heat lamps the disease chef is growing unhappy so you physically attack him David, that's you Will

you lock his arms behind his back while you Peter, Sean you try to bash his head in with a statue holy shit so he grabs an axe off the wall there was an axe here and he attacks you both now you initiated this fight what do you do?

he's attacking us after we've already broken a skull in with a statue you tried to break a skull and he grabbed an axe off the wall because there are medieval weapons all over this fine dining restaurant oh man again I'm a little focused

thanks to that tux thing on my muscles you know how the samurai catch swords I'd like to try to catch an axe with my pecs I love it I'll just do a walrus sound I'm just backing him up to boost your brother we're going to continue to height-manage other

alright, I'm going to give Will a point for that one so that's a barbarian point for you because you are much more barbarian than what you actually do which is you both immediately turn tail and flee looney-tunes style while that constricting iris closes on the scene

this is the opening scene this is the kind of movie nothing more to be said, yeah that is a hell of a way to set a scene alright, now you're in a crowded home you're having dinner with your parents and their entire personality is from Brooklyn

your mother looks at you and says look at their necks how do you respond I burst out of my whatever shirt I'm wearing if I'm still wearing the tux, that's fine but just with my neck alone yeah, I mean since

we're following this cartoon logic I'd like to think, you know how the battleship when they flex and it keeps getting bigger and bigger I'd like to see that happen with their necks as well like that guy from Big Trouble in Little China only all muscle now there is precedent for that response

they actually of course did that as you both know in the barbarians but not here, they both just say in unison, we know their necks are out of proportion with the rest of their bodies you know you both demonstrate early understanding

that you are freakish flesh monsters and if anything, you're just annoyed at how often it's pointed out to you we've heard it all before this point in their career I know they kept getting bigger but I'm trying to get a good visual this is 1994

so it's like is there a neck from the bottom of their ears to the ends of their shoulders like big yeah, it's definitely no longer a neck it's much more of like a trunk or some sort of medical

brace made out of flesh nice, good for them just two skin logs on their shoulders just getting in car accidents and not even noticing yeah, there's no problem Peter, you explain ma, it's only because there are no muscles

on our heads to exercise if we could exercise our brains, our heads would be so huge we'd fall over and these, if you are prompted for a joke, please remember this joke please remember this as your baseline it's time to establish your personalities

your mother is going to do this for you in a little bit of exposition David, you're always making things while Peter, you're always breaking things David's the brain and Peter's the heart so you got a brain, you got a heart you got a lot of muscles, what are you going to accomplish

what's your goal for the movie I mean, we got to save that lake from the toxic sludge yeah, do we know about it yet though well, no, but I mean I would think a barbarian census would sense the plot

that's true, or at least another form of human growth hormone a potential swamp thing situation, but with muscle right and we're still keeping they still have the accents, like as thick as they did we're doing the

arguably thicker at this point they're not doing the full Italian yet but they're really leaning hard into the Brooklyn okay so to recap you think you're going to save a lake from toxic sludge since that's how we open the movie

it's kind of an essential device to the movie and Will, what did you think what you were going to do well, I also thought maybe you should find new jobs since we tried to kill our boss okay what you're actually going to do is open a restaurant together oh good, that's a good idea

you got huge muscles, your goal is to open a restaurant damn, and I was the brain, I didn't even think of that and I don't think it comes up again so I would like to clarify that the central premise of this movie is that this toxic sludge is being dumped you as the main characters of this movie never become aware of that

and don't care I think we could get us some greater property out there by the toxic swamp how do you celebrate your new business venture dance party yeah, or like a high five that creates like we break the sound barrier

oh, that'd be great Will does get a point for that that's pretty close what you actually do is you toast so hard your wine glass is explode sending glass frapnel flying at your parents fantastic but, here's the thing, you need a loan

to start a restaurant so, next scene, you are at the friendly finance bank and it's time to apply for a small business loan now here is what is going to be the most important part of this game it's time for a barbarian fashion check, Sean what are you wearing

for a bank meeting oh, something very nice a tiny necktie that goes down just to my pecs jeans shorts and a sleeveless dress shirt just barely contained by two buttons

pretty good Will, how about you, what are you wearing a similar attire, you know, like a nice jacket but no sleeves obviously that the super skinny ties to make my chest look even bigger and I don't even know if I need pants after that

that's business casual, they seem to be all business casual yeah, you're in the right realm but you're really going to have to up your game for this movie this is one of your more tame outfits David is wearing fringe jeans with two belts two vests sewn together

and a pirate's bandana Peter, Sean is dressed in golf shorts over bright red leggings, a powerhouse gym crop top over a wears Waldo shirt and an old timey aviators helmet with goggles dress for the job you want

you know which is some sort of sky muscle pirate I'm going to get a load of my sky muscle pirate business I'm updating my LinkedIn like job description right now sky muscle pirate ASAP

the squares are of course freaked, you meet with the bank manager and he asks what you're going to put up for collateral for this loan you did bring something, what is it no man is it our mother that we carried in there that'd be interesting

I'm going to a local woman uplifted I'm going to say one large boulder filled with exotic ores yeah you're still thinking you're still thinking barbarians I know

I think they're still thinking barbarians too that's why yeah, it's a little bit, he asks what sort of collateral you're going to put up he's equivalent to a barbarian treasure or horde you're getting close

you're in the right space and if we're starting a restaurant it's got to be like a secret recipe like an ancient pizza cutter or maybe like a solid gold dumbbell which also is used to make food somehow

yeah you got pretty close but you didn't settle on it what you do of course he asks what sort of collateral you put up for your small business loan and the pair of you, you shake your heads and you make horse noises and then you bring out a duffle bag

full of Italian food and in your terrible accent you go pasta, eggplant, pomme, lasagna, cheesecake the banker so a bag of fresh pasta is collateral a bag of just loosely packed Italian food and your response is horse noises

and when the banker is unimpressed he says pick up your pasta and go and he says this like it's an exotic foreign word he's never heard of and doesn't care for he's too square for pasta the most square food

amazing but he wants you to leave so what do you do I mean it sounds like yeah I mean we've already mocked him when he asked us what collateral we had and we could also just throw that pasta on his face

Sean, Sean we could totally force feed him to eat our food thinking that that might change his mind about our collateral I love it, I still want to break the desk I want to do an accident though I want to break it like going to feed him the pasta so yeah that's what we're doing we're shattering his desk

and stuffing our food down his throat just he'll know it tastes good you're dialing it in because that is exactly what you do you don't break his desk however I will give you credit for that aggression because it's much more aggressive than you've probably figured

what you do is you pin him down you wrench open his mouth and you force feed him marinara sauce until he begins to choke he gags and he sputters tomato sauce filling his airways he thrashes and whimpers and we're still staying on this and then slowly he stops whimpering

and he stops moving entirely and you're still pouring hey Rockway I gotta be honest this is my fetish you've killed a man with spaghetti sauce you and the next thing you're thrown out by bank security the manager is still alive because there is a nearby Italian

to just suck all the spaghetti out of his lungs I guess but you of course Mario was a plumber you of course did not get the loan so you bring the rest of your dishes to feed Mark just real quick Sean how would you describe

your current mood and situation extremely cheerful I think that went really well no you're very bummed and you say it's totally scatological well a soccer ball just hit you in the head while you're moping a child runs up and says give me back my ball

dickhead what do you do we do that you know I'm not going to do the laundry but the egg between your bicep you know I'm just going to do that with the ball absolutely fuck this ball that is precisely what you do you do pop it just with your bare hands

you just squeeze it with your bare hands looking him in the eye the entire time as he slowly grows more and more terrified the feeling of safety leaving his young mind forever he does turn and flee this kid ran up on like two 300 pound sky pirates and you called one of them a dickhead

this kid wanted to die but then you just called him out on it and he was like maybe I'm not ready today you had the balls on that kid too especially if you saw how we were dressed and covered in like pasta sauce feeding homeless people out of a duffel bag pasta sauce

and certainly blood and lung fluid every one of those things is a danger sign that kids should have known about you shouldn't have been allowed anywhere near this playground if there was any justice you would have been under arrest long before they let homeless people hang out there so why not

they do that in real parks too and no real park is a barbarian brother allowed to hang out Frank the lesser evil executive from the start of the movie is having a meeting with the feds that's who he called across the playground

standard government practice large groups of men in business suits sitting directly at the playground does not draw attention they're going to put him in witness protection but they actually specify we won't protect your nephews don't know why the movie just needs that to happen

do you think they said we won't protect your nephews because they just saw what happened to that kid or about to happen to that kid there's nothing we can do there are fucking child eating maniacs in this park right here I'm not every child has a death wish was that your nephew because he is dead

he is dead men in trench coats suddenly whip out shotguns they're using the children or trying to anyway Frank, feds, kids local park goers, you it's a massacre they're not really aiming at anything

they're aiming at everything it's up to you, the two of you, to take out the bad guys so you tell me how and using what all I have right now is an empty bag of pasta and homeless people I gotta be I'm gonna throw those homeless people 100%

I think they'll know what to do they've been in this type of situation veterans of the barbarian wars are fully prepared to be hurled like human longdarts you gotta start somewhere I was a numb, I know how this goes throw me boy

no, you use the playground equipment, of course you bash in their heads with swings you smash their crotches with a seesaw the best part David, you bind them up with a tether ball and then just start beating them with a tether ball we're gonna make Jackie Chan movie now

this is not a barbarian brothers movie I can't believe you cut to that because you do a Jackie Chan move next you both do sweet simultaneous front flips to save a baby from a runaway car which is absolutely a Jackie Chan scene, interjected in here incredible

and at first I was like how could we do a flip but I'm guessing our strength is upwards of 19 to 27 at this point it's really just like lifting yourself you know what I mean it's just a self lift

flipping is mostly confidence which I feel like we have tons of it's mostly glutes and you've got glutes that could just crush a planet I bet 1994 the barbarian brothers could easily do a flip but not easily touch their toes I do get the sense from where they cut the scene that neither of you

landed that flip at all landed straight on your heads and then got up like you got it you need 20 more takes you can't do a flip but you do have neck braces you have medical flesh neck braces right we'll never break our neck

it's fine it's later you're the heroes of your local gym made up of entirely strong men it's time for another barbarian fashion check David, Will give me that drip whatcha wearing I would like to think that I have a cut off shirt I would like to have fashioned

something out of that playground you know shoulder pads like those weird knee pads anything else those are like my back like master blaster style and it's still like a duffel bag full of Italian food

I like where your head's at but keep in mind you are in a home alone rip off so you've got to do the Mad Max apocalypse via Macaulay Culkin so what you're actually wearing is a Helen Hunt's outfit from Twister but with six bandanas on your leg and three leg warmers on your arm

I will say that they still sort of dress like that when I met them like it was like home made I mean you've cracked it the world can change around you but you don't need to accommodate it Peter, Sean, your outfit go alright I've got bright orange

silky short shorts side ball showing way too short way too loose for the top very thin tank top do you rag on the head blindfold under that banded mask under that

bandolier both sides full X bandolier I'm carrying a suitcase and cowboy boots I'm trying to picture it and on top of the blindfold cop sunglasses

I love that someone thinks that they're going to get to the bottom of who you are and it's just like layer after layer ah foiled again just excellent instincts all around they're going to serve you well later but for right now, weirdly it's just an old timey strongman leotard with combat boots what's going on

I sense the boots that's a good look that's that who are the two wrestling brothers face gremlin the other one the steiner's got steiner look in your gym

you of course encounter gym antics because you were wearing the gyms logo on the news you get two months free gym membership now you only owe four months back pay you have the nerve to tell another huge man whose neck is not as huge as yours that he has to lay off the growth hormone he turns to you with his face

covered in bones and asks in a child's voice why? then you see an excellent butt on a treadmill it's just it's a good day so you get your pump on when thomas a square englishman in a suit approaches you peter john what do you do

I just like to think that we pick up every human before we talk to them like it's just the way that you know by each arm picking them up in the air because manhandling anything just seems to be our super skill I think the key is not learning from our past

mistakes or basically never repeating anything so my instinct might be to pick this man up and fill him with pasta sauce because it went so well last time I almost almost got a bank loan last time but I know it's not that we just have a sports bottle full of marinara sauce

I feel like I want to I want to get him into some sort of a weightlifting scenario I want to like help I assume he's asking me for help with a machine I'm going to like jam him into some sort of a machine that doesn't quite make sense to him and just get him all tangled up in like a solar flex yeah

your instincts are pretty good here specifically the instinct to assault people you do physically assault him but it's with an autograph you assume that you're now famous enough for an autograph so you slam a newspaper into him and then kind of half stab him with a pen what are you right

fuck fuck yeah the walrus sound transcribe the walrus very good you actually write do thomas may all your ups and downs be in bed classic thomas you see is frank the

lesser evil executives butler frank was so impressed with your display in the park he wants to hire you to protect his nephews while he goes into witness protection yeah this makes sense yeah exactly this is how you move a plot along you arrive at his mansion

for the interview barbarian fashion check david will go oh shit so we're trying to get this job now I guess it's a job interview I do like I loved Sean's layers and layers and layers I would just like to think that

my outfit is just inappropriate layers of bandanas in places they don't need to be around my neck like 50 of them but just maybe one around my waist and my jump good instincts in this case tastefully mentalness though you are wearing the admirals uniform of the rhythm nation

army but without a shirt Sean skin tight white tights held up with a rope belt riding cloak night vision goggles

a cyber gauntlet with various mechanisms various crime fighting mechanisms it's my own personal invention very gremlins dad it shoots toothpaste

grappling hooks whatever you need so you're just a malibu comic superhero is what you want yes I'm a malibu comic superhero I'm overkill what you are wearing is a flannel shirt and denim overall shorts over leggings with knee-high boots a knit hat with an actual bird

and its nest stapled to it four bandanas around your arm and a telephone cord wrapped around your entire body one of these times we're gonna just say random shit and get exactly the random shit you're getting the vibe it's dialing in each outfit

I feel like you're gonna get it towards the end I feel like the wardrobe in that apartment and the production designer and whoever else maybe they took notes from the barbarian brothers like what would you wear in this scene and they just fucking a bird

there's no way they allowed a wardrobe department to tell them anything the wardrobe department was there to just procure like when Peter went get me a bird they would just show up like is this right? yes stay through them into like a back lot like props room and just said like

dress yourself and they did yeah fuck yeah they did you two drive up to Frank's estate your job interview in a monster truck the license plate says too big but his square ass security force tries to stop you at the gate

what do you do? drive over everything absolutely drive through the front door alright you're both getting a barbarian point for that because that is completely what should have happened no you heckled their haircuts okay hey nice cut is that a super cut and then

you suggest they get hair extensions to look more like you don't even got a bird on your head you're now inside the mansion of a prospective employer Thomas the butler asks you not to break anything what do you do? break something yes you both break

everything you just break everything in sight immediately and without question your job interview consists of one question where did you learn to fight? go on the streets I mean well technically it was in a fighting pit

where we were being groomed to one day kill each other I feel like I want to answer with that action I want to say you tell me the extended universe the barbarian verse I feel like I want to start a fight just to demonstrate that that's the type of person I am

like I just I'm constantly fighting yeah that's the best way to learn ooh that's a good impulse because that will serve you well throughout this movie however not here you both get surprisingly modlin and say we was fat kids

and when you're a fat kid you learn how to fight you learn how to hurt and we got tired of hurting oh my god oh man my heart your Oscar is in the mail this is a great answer to this job to any job interview to any question this is just a perfect answer

so Frank of course says I'd like you boys to stay on and look after my nephews Thomas the butler has just arrived carrying a full tea service what does Thomas do and given the slap signature of this entire thing thus far probably drops it when he sees us he drops the entire tea set

and he makes a wacky face like there goes the neighborhood and see alright now it's time to meet the boys Steven is the shy one Bradley is obstetarous I'd obstetarous that's something like that Peter what do you have to say about that

that's you Sean a step to us yes Steven is the shy one Bradley is obstetarous let's see I've been a temptress myself often times pretty close you say

gee I hope I don't catch it are they twins also you haven't met them yet David this is you've just been deeply embarrassed by your brother how do you save face in front of your new job I mean just just just kind of yeah we'll just

keep flexing and just sort of try to overshadow Peter at that moment just distract them with pecs no you say you'll have to excuse my brother he needs electrocution lessons whoop whoop

I told you remember that first joke it sets the scene alright now you meet the nephews and you did guess it anybody in the world had to have guessed it they're twins are they fat also they're a little chubby

they're gonna have to learn to fight what do you say to them first thing the two of you you say something together in perfect unison and then I'll give you a hint name both I mean I'm sure we laugh at other twins also but I'm trying to think of the dumbest way

slapstick-ish loony tunes ask way we could say that they were twins it looks like I'm seeing double that's pretty good and you had it queued up I'm gonna give you a barbarian point for that you both say yo we the babysitters and then there's a record scratch

oh god I should have had it yeah you should have had that one can't believe you don't have a record scratch on my soundboard you gotta have to add one now alright we are eavesdropping on a secret phone call you won't believe this Thomas the butler is talking to Strom the greater evil executive

the butler is evil in a 90s movie my god he's here to sabotage security from the inside so they can kidnap the nephews he tells Strom everything about the situation how there actually are cops here anyway patrolling the grounds but they're not allowed inside the house

for some reason so like if somebody gets in their job is just to let the kids die and that's why they need you the house barbarians but we're like meant to let them get kidnapped like is he hiring us cause we're doofuses uh you don't know yet I like this idea

that it's like a county line that they can't cross damn it it does seem like Frank loves his nephews he was always concerned about some sort of last minute betrayal and Thomas is just an evil butler does he have an English accent yes of course he does

he's evil in a 90s movie his name is Thomas a barbarian fashion check first day on the job Will I like to think that I put on some of the kids clothes just to kind of fit in but also just to emphasize how big I am

compared to them oh that's fantastic they throw you off every once in a while they're just gonna throw you one you're in jeans or a t-shirt and a camo jacket that's the mood we're setting how are you gonna match up with your brothers huh

uh let's see clown pants anti-pigeon spikes huge cowboy hat uh all the pigeons from the spikes have nested in the cowboy hat hyena on a chain oh fuck

um let's see tiny clown nose and uh santa vest excellent instincts all around what you're actually doing is wearing 14 different colored t-shirts ripped into shreds in different places

a rainbow native american headband a denim vest elbow and knee armor a ringmaster's pants several neon socks full cargo net is strapped to your hip and extension cords around one ankle god damn it I'm gonna get it

I mean but you're gonna get it this is canning because you're dressing with your heart and you know and you felt you felt restrained you were like I'll just rip my shirt a little and then wear normal clothes you ever thought it that's that's that's what being the brains of this operation gets you alright the police have just left you alone

in a mansion with the children what do you do how do you celebrate well I know at some point we're gonna rap right I would love to think that that we rapped about about getting strong and staying fit and all that kind of good stuff uh just to set the mood

for how our tenured nannies are gonna go I also feel like we should lose the upper hand of these children very quickly like I feel like we should get overwhelmed by their antics almost immediately yeah those are fantastic instincts

uh what you actually do is you do a jumping high five then you both take a knee and sincerely thank the virgin Mary before skipping away arm in arm doing silly English boy accents to each other Jesus Christ and but you know

the kids are getting murdered but you were correct it is time for mansion antics the twin boys attack you with paintball guns they're filled with goats blood it's considered so normal we never address it again and nobody talks about how that's weird the maid falls in love with you

while you wash your shirts in the sink she frequently throughout this movie will try to get double teamed by you her name is Lolita the gardener hates this and now you there's a sassy black cook it's the 90s welcome to it the twins despise you

and terrorize you at every turn David you wonder maybe it's karma catching up to us remember what we used to do to our babysitters Peter do you remember this was when we were fat kids so I imagine we ate one of them alright let's do a flashback

where I remember eating one just dead on the table me and my twin brother with spoons just gouging out his intestines eating his flesh raw yeah parents coming home very horrified you are getting what is happening a barbarian point for that

because that's basically right you look back at the ceiling you say unspeakable atrocities and then you both kind of laugh while also making horse noises what the fuck is this movie you decide that the way to a man's stomach is through his mouth

you make pasta for the children barbarian fashion check what is your dinner outfit Sean chef hats no shirt chaps with blue speedo under arm bands from my biceps

down to my wrists let's see Native American war paint one more thing a golden sash fashion does a belt your turn

I was just going to do a chef's hat and some kind of like the aprons that you wear when you're cooking but made out of something completely stupid like very expensive jeans or acid washed you know t-shirts maybe like the front of a truck

they've thrown you again you are simply each wearing half of the other sweater Bradley you save on clothes when you buy one sweater and then split it between two people that's exactly what they did Bradley refuses to eat his pasta because kids hate pasta I guess

he knows we made the clothes basically in the nude too David you made that pasta you're the cook remember how do you handle this I want to go with brain my impulse always is just

force feed people you squeeze the cheeks and just ram food in their mouth or maybe it's an airplane kind of thing that bring it into the spoon to their mouth solid barbarian instincts but no you just kind of growl quietly to yourself

you get the sense that this is how a barbarian's feelings are hurt oh yeah oh shit the children just hang themselves they both just hang themselves and they are dead what do you do you just walked in on them

or atrocities unspeakable atrocities it's just a funny prank they got you by making you think they hung themselves I mean suicide is an incredible joke anytime especially when children are involved

I want you to remember the first prank that they pulled on you was shooting with goat's blood and the next prank was pretending they have hanged themselves making some kind of a ritual please remember that or maybe they did actually kill themselves and that was like

the becoming and now it's a movie about ghost twin sitters ghost town anyway you've just gotten over the funny prank of these kids are dead it's now time for breakfast David you figure no child can turn down

steak and eggs the official breakfast of alcoholic traveling salesman and yet Bradley still refuses to eat it what do you do oh man well I got sad last time right I'm gonna try to bird feed him this time oh that's

that's actually oddly sweet no this time you fucking snap you lift up the dining room table you hurl everything to the floor and absolutely terrified the holy shit out of the children until they run screaming it's just a weirdly rageful like abusive moment in the middle of this fun movie

then you go you go to chase them presumably to kill them only to find out they've glued both of your boots to the floor the both of you what do you do together oh fall down perfectly in sync I feel like we tear that like you know again

using that barbarian straight just tear the floor up that is precisely what you do oh yes you both just flex until you rip the tiles out and then you stomp around the house in your tile monster shoes presumably still trying to kill these children

this is good because we can run across the water in these these are like snow shoes for any surface yeah and also Sean's probably next outfit is fucked now because I'm sure tile monster shoes we're gonna come up eventually yeah I sound I'm totally yeah you should have called it earlier

it's funny you mentioned running across water because Bradley runs in Steven fell in the pool and he can't swim you dive in to save him only to find it's a dummy roll switch Sean you are now Bradley William you're Steven you just tricked your babysitters

into jumping into a pool fully clothed how do you celebrate oh we just piss in that pool yeah pee in that fucking pool I was saying exactly that well we are in sync I love how in sync you are I'm gonna give you a shitty rich twin point

this will never come up it will benefit you in no way what you actually do is you plug a space heater into an outlet and throw it in the water murder you only you realize as it's in the air the cords not quite long enough it comes unplugged before splashing down

and you all share a quiet moment realizing just how far these stakes have suddenly escalated this is incredible that is the end of that scene next scene let's do let's just start off barbarian fashion check David what you wearing god I keep getting it keeps throwing me off

because I want to be conservative but now I know I'm trying to prevent myself from being murdered so I'm gonna guess it's like a lot of sports protective wear the you know the catcher's mask football pads

the hot gloves for cooking just because we're chefs clearly anything to keep me safe from these kids at this point because clearly that was if the goat's blood if the fake suicide wasn't enough there was a sure sign that there's a

homicidal intent yes these are the devil's children and you've just realized it it's a good response what you're actually wearing is a table cloth for a bandana and one third of a woman's bulky jazzer size sweater but it's not the parts you think and it's not where you think Sean your outfit

bare feet I won't fall for that again boxers groin protector a kite fashioned into wings fourth place medallion snorkel a glass eye being held on like a monocle

pigtails and fingerless driving gloves fingerless driving gloves perfect what you're actually wearing is a purple tarp for pants light tactical armor sports bra covered in children's toy badges a giant

star of David and there's some sort of medallion or badge element a giant star of David and an actual Nazi officer's cap oh no yes yes I mean if you want to scare those kids this is the way to do it I'm wearing a bra made of your toys and I'm part of the

third right click that is that is a serious fucking flex and no pun intended we cut to the next scene you have tied the children up and gagged them it seems like an escalation I don't know anymore because they did just try to murder you so I'm not really sure but oh no their teacher

walks in she's scheduled to home school them what a wacky misunderstood no this is a perfect understanding she sees the children tied up and says you can't tie up children she's right technically regardless the movie decides she's actually here to teach all of you

so you're all in her class now and you sit in hilarious tiny desks while she teaches you English David you're first up what's a dangling participle remember remember the jokes it's gonna be something about my never regions and whether

I'm allowed to say that in class or not I will give you a barbarian point for that you say is that like when you run out of toilet paper yeah role switch you're Bradley the naughty nephew again it's time for a wisecrack in response to this bit terrible terrible

joke okay my wisecrack is I take a pen knife and jam it directly into his current artery artery laughing as the blood spurts you get another twin point for that

what you actually do is you roll your eyes and say there's never a drive-by shooting when you need one yeah it's incredible now this is a short movie and it's got a lot to do so you both are already in love with the teacher and more

importantly she's in love with you after this scene that seems to track it's about how relationships work it's dinner time you tell the boys spaghetti's in the kitchen they go to get some and a bucket of spaghetti falls on their heads you both laugh uproariously and then you do something

what do you do there's that horse noise that seems to have taken place of the walrus noise mm-hmm we could also do some kind of like very stereotypical like Italian

high-fiving you know you know the right back into that reinforcing that stereotype a little bit more I feel like story wise we need to kind of get a little bit of comeuppance here so I feel like

we should like fall into a fish tank or something in our laughter yeah slip on the floor and like fall through the floor like yeah hey look at you trying to predict this like it's an actual movie I told you not to do that your brain just can't stop

what you actually do is sprinkle parmesan on them I believe while making a horse noise you're gonna get a point it's bath time the kids must take a bath David and Peter just getting darker how do you accomplish this

how do you how do you get the kids a bath I mean we could body slam them in the pool we could spray them down with like hoses I'll just stop you right there you've already got it you body slam them into the hot tub yeah yep you body slam right to the hot tub and then you dump an entire

box of mr. bubble in there they scream like it's giving them chemical burns which I guess it might I don't know about mr. bubble in the 80s probably probably accurate they're terrified they seem to be wounded the both of you of course

make horse noises the entire time the kids are terrified and psychologically ruined so they run away stealing a Rolls Royce but you're in the back seat barbarian fashion check Sean just bubbles

well I like to think of the back of a Rolls Royce we've dressed the part so it's the same like way too small clothes bits that you know the tucks with like tails on it and very fancy like very near 90s like cyberpunk

like version of the undersized tuxedo fantastic instincts Peter you put on Grandmaster Flash's workout suit only more anime than you're thinking okay I've worn an entire leather store including the saddle you're in the back

the kids don't see you they're driving away what do you do also the kids naked no they've gotten dressed this is a plan to run away okay but you're in the back seat dressed like fucking lunatics because you're clearly fucking lunatics

the kids don't see you you're gonna do something as they're driving away I mean there's still more horse noises to get their attention hopefully they wreck the car maybe yeah maybe we just cause them to wreck the car yeah that's exactly right you do crash the car which is

when we cause them to yeah nice the kids have a falling out and begin to fist fight like actual full punches straight to the face it's like a weird mood change they start strangling each other in the dirt what do you do it's real Cain and Abel moment

maybe we should fight we should bet on them you're inspired to just fight I think it's a good twins need to fight sometimes I'm gonna give you a point for that alright the kids have a falling out begin strangling each other

it's way over the line you both laugh and make horse noises and leave this is not your problem you just let them carry each other it's the next day it's school school barbarian fashion check will that kinda anguish young

boy outfit again very too small but appropriate for the setting actually pretty close Sean through comical misunderstanding I've worn a girl's catholic school girl skirt

fairy wings strapped on like a little backpack let's see pony hat for a shirt most of a Batman costume and as just a shirt

like the legs dangling most of it really sells it I have big granite blocks for hands don't forget your shoes oh yeah high heel pumps you're actually both dressed quite reasonably but you are palette swapped versions

of each other oh yeah what's gonna happen at some point in the movie you both ask the teacher out and she wants to say yes but to who what do you guys do I think we each need to do a demonstration

of what we offer I pick something up the largest thing I can find I just murder one of the children the wrecked rolls Royce would be nice if that's available pretty close what you do is you get an unexpected knock down room destroying brawl

David you whip Peter through the air certainly killing frail old Thomas with 300 pounds of furious flailing manhams you both explode through a door outside landing in the pool cooling you off what do you do now I just wait for that kid to

throw a toaster and I say wait for that now we're as wet as she is no you take a beat to cool off and then you start trading haymakers until the teacher agrees to go out with both of you so you don't kill each other in front of the children huh

the children who are furiously masturbating to us like yes the children who clearly have tried to kill you several times who are of Satan and certainly both both combined are Satan it's date time you hugely pile into

your monster truck you toss the kids in the back and then the police pull up to stop you because you forgot you're protecting these children you forgot about the entire premise that this is witness protection there's gang anyway it's moving but criminals trying to murder children in the squares want to stop you

from taking them out on the town what do you say wait for the explanation for it break in with horse noises for sure and headbutt the guy to knock him out and just go on our way what a powerful headbutt that would be too with just

5,000 pounds of neck muscle force yeah just a scanner is like head exploding yeah headbutt okay uh no you don't say anything the kids happy yeah you don't you don't say anything you just drive over the police cars in your monster truck laughing and making horse noises

yes you knew it was coming right I knew the horse noises were there logically in any logical movie it would have been the gate scene where they try to stop you but in here the police are just like hey you remember how people are trying to murder those kids and you destroy their cars and drive over them and drive away

to get to your date you can't do anything about that legally if you drive over a cop car in a monster truck it's just being a monster truck that's its nature it's the scorpion and the frog yeah it's code alright you drive up to the teacher's house blasting your own rap song

about being huge and driving you have gutted a carnival covered your monster truck and stuffed animals and balloons the kids are passed out and back barbarian fashion check what's your date attire will well it says on the brains

I'm going to go with something professor Lee but again maybe just a little too small and erotic maybe some readers to kind of upstage my brother who's all heart and maybe just a book of poetry

to show my sensitive side written of course you're going to get a barbarian point for that because you went reasonable you're just wearing your punk rock leather jacket it's a date what's your outfit I've taken a 12 inch

teddy bear that I went at the carnival and I have burst through it reverse birth style face coming out of its crotch I'm assuming thigh high vinyl boots and two teddy bear heads

on my other hands that's it well you know what yeah I'm going to give you the barbarian point for that you are wearing a pirate shirt and rainbow suspenders and a hat made out of stuffed bears oh fuck yes

see I'm zeroing in on it you are you just you're getting there we knew you were going to get there I was close with that medallion close with this teddy bear thing next time I'm going to just nail it there are only two of you and only one of her

and she wants a good night kiss what do you do I mean our options are to tear her in half I'm listening whoever doesn't want to tear her in half we each go home with a half maybe we show her how good we are at kissing by kissing each other

and letting her judge who is the better kisser that's a real hard to get move but I like I'm going to give you a point for that because we all expected the kiss to happen this is a great opportunity what you actually do is you chastely make the other turn around

so they can't see you give her a sweet good night kiss oh can we take turns we would never have expected this just wild veering it's time to eat breakfast I sneak a little sexual escalation into my kiss I just want you to know

I'm not giving her just a little peck I'm going to try to get my hand under her bra I'm going to instill doubt in her ear when I kiss her my brother's got his TDS duly noted he cries when he ejaculates they're both true they're both very true

we both do of course make the horse noise though you understand that that's us ejaculating every time yeah it's time to eat breakfast it seems like the carnival thing is kind of a turning point the kids are so tired they can't do anything

you kind of knocked them out time to eat breakfast how do you get the kids out of bed to the table and to eat pour a little coffee over the breakfast spaghetti yeah or create like a slip and slide out of spaghetti that like you know rub goldbergs them down to breakfast

close good instincts so what you actually do is you ensnare the children in sheets and then drag them down the stairs bashing their heads in and then you body slam them into their chairs and this is actually the key they eat breakfast and they love it

abuse and terror has been the key all along because you're talking to satan's children it's a little traumatic brain injury it makes them respect you alright here's a special breakfast barbarian fashion check you get one whatever it makes sense

I would have accepted pirate pants or strip of t-shirt Sean loaf of bread propeller beanie propeller beanie surprise it hasn't come up hey speaking of fashion

it's time for the makeover scene you're gonna teach these kids how to dress cool how do you do this I assume it's good to with the montage of us trying on every outlandish fashion of like a wardrobe now in generator that

Sean's been doing for at least 45 minutes oh no that's pretty good we all know what I'm gonna say a bunch of weird shit that is uncannily accurate no you do this by hanging up their existing clothes and shooting shotguns at them

yeah roll switch Sean you're Bradley describe your makeover I look like Steven Tyler's mic stand I'm gonna stop you right there you're correct will your Steven the shy one describe yours

yeah like a spirit wanderer who again got drug behind a truck for about 45 minutes pretty close you're both obviously wearing bandanas and backwards caps brightly colored ripped shirts flannel vests we don't have to mention all that what is special Steven you're rocking

a pacifier on a necklace with an entire baby doll pinned to your vest Bradley you're wearing a toy ray gun and a feather on a long chain a rubber duck choker fuzzy dice on your hip and are also wrapped in a telephone cord fuck yes that toy ray gun has a good look

I mean all joking aside that sounds like the best fucking fashion advice so far that's gotta be that's gotta be like an Atlanta rapper move Thomas the butler walks in with a full tea service on a tray what does he do oh he's dropping away sees these kids

what's his face like it's like a what here we go again exactly so you're finally bonding with the children you teach them how to play basketball wrong how to cook wrong how to play tennis wrong it's a hilarious montage

real quick fashion check same deal one item Sean tennis skirt tennis skirt pretty close I would have accepted Viking helmet one quarter of a sweater or magician scarves instead of socks will

I'd like to think it was the Thomas's skin from where we bonded over killing him good instincts I would have said accepted most of a sweater just panties and combat oh alright a police car pulls up to the front gate

the officer leans out and calls to security everything alright here security smiles and says just fine the officer chuckles relieved he says have a nice day not and then he murders them with a silenced pistol

whoa he's a hit man and budget ninjas attack the mention you're a David you're under attack by dollar store ninjas all you have is a football and a table what do you do a football and a table okay so

you know catapult style pushed kick the table so hard with my foot that it launches the football through one of the budget ninjas pretty close you nail one in the face for the football pretty much killing him and the others

you just throw through the table you're not feeling super creative yeah Peter you're at one end of a long hallway the ninjas are fleeing in a perfect V formation there is an inexplicably giant globe next to you and nothing else in this hallway

this is the globe hallway you will be punished severely if you don't get this question right how do you take down those goons time to see they're lined up like bowling pins and I have a bowling ball shaped thing yes

eat the globe sonic Hulk clap I am taking away five barbarian what what you actually do is you pull them down with a giant globe man of course you do is there a zinger involved with the act

I will give you a follow up chance to make one of those barbarian points back does it make the clattering pin strike sound effect um you know what I don't want the point so no no it doesn't keep your point it's dead silence

it knocks them all down and it's dead silence you just stand over their limp bodies just looking intense yeah it's their death rattle that's all you can hear is just the pant of their souls just finishing them off

David you're outside all you have is a leaf blower a ninja attacks how do you take them down oh I mean inflate him with it obviously pop him dick deck murder you leaf blow him so hard he explodes through the windows

because somehow you being muscular super charges leaf blowers this interrupts the gardener and that maid who wanted to get double teamed by you they hit it off yeah they got together I know you've been on the edge of your seat so we knocked the guy through the window

and the reveal is that on the other side of the wall they were they were fucking yeah fucking when a corpse landed on him which made it even more exciting yeah that's their thing now they're gonna try to replicate that shit they're in a James Spader movie

they're in the right house the hit man has the kids and he just jumped into a helicopter with them it's taking off and you can only reach the treads what do you do I mean I leap onto the helicopter both of us together we pull it back down

there you go there it is what's gonna get that point you grab the treads and wrestle it down because you're so strong you can grip the ground with your shoes it's close but ultimately the helicopter does take off bringing you with it you fall into the pool because it's that kind of movie

it's later and the boys are gone police, Russian all over the mansion trying to conduct their investigation you're both feeling very modlin rewatching videos you took of earlier today when you were bonding are you serious

yes what is your remember the good kind of stuff remember when I bought those ninjas with the globe remember when we played sports wrong two hours ago what's your modlin wear David what's your morning wear

you've changed outfits by the way mine's definitely like the little old Italian grandma the funeral wear with the veil and everything that's great it's sweat pant overalls and Freddy Krueger sweater wow

fisherman's sweater orthodontal headgear eye patch that's fantastic that's so close to something you're wearing a denim shirt bound up with dozens of bandanas a corsage made out of troll dolls, camo pants

and of course you have your formal morning cargo net attached I don't know why but it's there the kidnappers say they want to meet Frank the lesser evil executive and they want to meet him alone

but you two you just know it's a setup to kill them just then you spot Thomas on the videotape doing nothing he's just standing around that's the clue you needed he's evil you confront him and he spills a briefcase full of money you need to get the location of the kids out of him

how do you do it we burn the money threaten the money and then me and Sean turn into a human vice that we crush him with until he gives us the information that we need I'm going to give you both a barbarian point for that

it's a good one you'll never get what you actually did what you actually do is you photocopy his head and somehow each photocopy hurts him and then you examine the printouts of his face to determine whether or not he's lying by the faces he makes

holy shit this does not work shocker this does not work so what is your next what's your next plan I'm just going to skip ahead you've drawn quarter with your monster truck okay

maybe eventually hook him up to one end and then one of us holds his legs that's definitely he tells you there at the harbor because he doesn't want to be pulled into pieces and you know what you do you drive away anyway

but he's not pulled apart, it wasn't connected to the truck it's all fun and games, this is home alone remember you're at the harbor and the villains are holed up in a cargo ship as every single villain in the 90s did cargo ships

were just the safe space there are so many guards and you need a plan what is it I feel like there's a bunch of container ships we obviously push them over and kill them in like again kind of like wily coyote fashion

we just mash them with a cargo container plus the gore you know like we get sprayed with blood and then make horse noises I like the barbarians the movie instinct, I love it it would have been totally accurate in a different movie maybe we could take something we learned from

let's take something we learned from earlier in the movie let's pretend like we've hung ourselves and when they come to investigate then we throw them in the ocean and then throw a radiator into the ocean to electrocute them and then all the fish will come out the twins taught you so much and now it's time to use it

no what you do is you put out the twin signal you call in the tigers a mysterious set of karate asian twins we have never seen before and the alims a set of jive talking

street wise black twins whose catchphrases are want to buy a Rolex and what's happening together again none of these characters have ever been mentioned even in passing and at any point you put out a twin signal

calling two sets of unrelated twins and those sets of twins demolished the large crew of armed criminals who just never stood a chance I just love that they had like a bingo sheet of like stereotypes that they just went down like did we get black twins in there yet what did they say

the alims they say want to buy a Rolex and the guy turns to him like oh yeah sure I might buy a Rolex on this cargo ship from this mysterious black man and punches him and that's the plan the other goes what's happening and the guy turns to him like I'll answer that question and then he gets punched in the face

what do the asian twins do just karate do they make bruce lee sound effects no they don't make bruce lee sound effects I do think there's a gong at one point maybe it's just inevitable that there would have been a gong there it is

I knew it I knew there was a gong somewhere okay you find the kids but the hitman is holding his gun on them you never planned for this just any kind of resistance Sean you played the first barbarian brother's game you should know what to do when the bad guy lightly threatens you with a ranged weapon

oh my god I feel like he didn't he didn't charge him in the barbarians I think he waited for it to malfunction if I remember right so I think I'm just going to wait for him to shoot the kid

and hope the safety's on that is exactly right you give up completely forcing the kids to save themselves they bash his head in with a fire extinguisher because again they're the children of satan they were itching for excuse to legally murder someone

that's not even our twin influence there's no character arc for these kids they were born that way that was nature not nurture they didn't need this finally Strom the evil businessman from the beginning who you've barely seen George Lazenby he's cornered he's evil and cardant

he's 60 years old he's got a raincoat George Lazenby he has a gun what do you do you recognize him as the boy's real father probably or missing father what a twist I know pure evil it would make sense

send him off with the uncle to like maybe give him morality but that didn't work and now it's a family reunion I take seven of the objects on my medallion and my sports bra and I throw them at him man you forgot

the last fucking question there's a bad guy with a ranged weapon you give up completely oh shit you're right a police officer or something somebody shoots him from off camera that's the bad guy in the movie he's dead it's one of the cops

at least eat him does anything happen dramatically just like riding themselves out of I will tell you there's a bomb that has not been mentioned but you all know about so every single person on the ship there's like 50 people you all gather in a perfect line

and you leap off in sync as the ship explodes it's a very good ending they didn't it doesn't sound like they got there organically but I really like that they knew that's how they wanted the scene to end also did we just forget about all the toxic waste stuff? yes

thank you for noticing I was afraid we were at this place with all this toxic waste at some point that melt guy from Robocop no the toxic waste is not on the ship it's used as the bad thing that he did and it's never brought up again fair enough

thanks for noticing it's more than anybody involved with this movie ever did alright it's months later it's months later the teacher is dating both of you your restaurant, you have a restaurant now it's a huge success patronized of course mostly by twins

you use the money you stole from Thomas to open it he stole his money and somebody says that must have cost him an arm and a leg you say almost and then lift the children triumphantly over your head so we can end on a synchronized fist pump

freeze frame there's only one question I have left do you do the entire soundtrack to this movie? fucking course absolutely you both get a barbarian point for that you do the entire soundtrack to this movie

hell yes you do here's the track list and this is important it's in order now I know one of these because I did put that what you're looking at song on here and I saw one of the songs was called at war with the weights

get ahead of me it's in order it's what you're looking at you're full of baloney at war with the weights Harley just Harley brothers forever

next song is called shut up next song is called the babysitters and the way they close the album the way anybody closed anything before 1995 the way I'm gonna close this podcast if you get it right

what's the name of that last song? it's not coming to me but I know it'll occur to me after you say say no to drugs say no 1900 frankfurt

1900 frankfurt our podcast is coming and with maximallim ciao talk frankfurt podcast correct the rap is not track it's not without

send it to the dog you can't see no more 1900 1900 frankfurt 1900 frankfurt 1900 frankfurt yeah, 9000 welcome to hot dog warriors

supreme edition choose your fighter three finger louis erin crosten adrian h with powerful charge specials squat style adrian aiden moet

alpha scientist javo armando navar benjamin sirenin vim talzer brandon garlock brian sailor brian whitney rockway loves the meatbilly

this character is unavailable in countries with human decency laws zeril brev chase mcpherson chris brow curious glare dan b dean costello the secret fighter

just hit up up dean down down costello donald finney dr. awkward eric spaulding fancy shark jillahoe hem moan

from the savage realm harakha blades on his hands and feet and one other part hot fart jaber al-aidan john dean john macammon john minkoff

from north dakota josh s not everywhere is the same josh s not everywhere is the savage realm ken paisley ken em laziest man on mars matt cortez

matt riley muck styles mojo the dance fighter feel the rhythm or just smash buttons both work andy neil bailey neil shaper

neopunt nick ralston nick h ozzy olid patrick herbst brianon who crouches in a corner and sweeps don't hate rich shaslin

timi lehi coastiga thoms akula domigii yosarian or hold x to select dark yosarian and sarkovsky

the unlockable boss fighter to play sarkovsky you must defeat every other hot dog warrior using the hot dog trombone peripheral hot dog trombone not included or for sale anywhere