The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - Dogg Zzone 9000 - Episode 64, Marvel Questprobe Spider-Man with Taylor Moore And TIm Platt

Episode Date: March 9, 2022

It is again time to get trapped in the mind of a madman by playing Marvel Questprobe text adventure games! This time it's Spider-Man: Brockway is your Spider-Master, while Seanbaby, Taylor Moore, and Tim Platt from Rude Tales of Magic and Oh These, Those Stars of Space are your Spider-Man! Singular. They comprise one Spider-Man only.

One nine hundred hot dog. One nine hundred hot dog. Our podcast slams with maximum hype. Say hot dog podcast work. Yeah. When you taste that nitrate power, you're in the dog zone for an hour. Come on.

Do not remember. One nine hundred. One nine hundred hot dog. One nine hundred hot dog. One nine hundred. One nine hundred hot dog. One nine zero zero zero. Yeah.

Nine thousand. Welcome to the Dog Zone 9000, the official podcast of 1900HotDog.com America's last comedy website. I'm the incredible Robert Brockway, and with me as always is Ultimate Sean Baby. Here's a Brockway fact. Panda skeletons are a myth.

No follow-up questions. Aw, man. I hate being on the other side of that. It hurts. Yeah, it sucks, doesn't it? Yeah, it does. And joining us today from Root Tales of Magic and Oh These, Those Stars of Space

are Uncanny Taylor Moore and Astonishing Tim Platt. Oh. I got Uncanny Tim. How does that make you feel? I kind of like Astonishing. Yeah. I don't know. Honestly, I don't want to celebrate it,

well, celebrated, but Astonishing felt good. Yes. Let that be the note that we start upon today. Celebration. Hi, I'm Taylor Moore. And hi, I'm Mibib Plattata, and sure for that is Tim Platt. I really tried to delve into your personalities

and what I know about you to distribute the titles of Uncanny and Astonishing. And I'd already forgotten them. Well, don't, because you're Uncanny, and he's Astonishing, and this will come up again. I've already mixed him up. I mean, mix him up as much as you want. I think it will give us a different energy

when we are announced. Because sometimes when I'm announced, I like to Astonish. I like to impress. I like to blow minds. But sometimes when I'm announced, I like to be a little stranger. Make people feel like they're not going to expect

what's coming next. It'll be a little more Uncanny, if you will. So all I'm saying is if you switch up the labels, we'll roll with it. The dark Tim Platt saga. Age of Apocalypse, Taylor Moore. I like Age of Apocalypse. No, but that's what my fate is.

No! Yeah. What was mine? What did I get? I gave you World War Brockway. Oh, hell yeah. You know what? I would have preferred Age of Apocalypse, too. I was too generous, given that one away. I want to take it back.

No, sorry. All right. Well, I'm a guest, and I know I should, but no, I'm bad. You're supposed to guess and me, my god. I'm sorry. Do you guys, what do you guys like to plug your excellent podcasts up top?

Because we usually go out on something crazy. Yeah. Tim, I'll go ahead and start you jump in whenever I singled to you that I'm fully done. Yeah. A lot of people don't like podcasts, and that's fair. Most of them are bad. This one, great. The one you're listening to is great,

which is why us good podcasters have got to stick together. And two great podcasts are Rude Tales of Magic and Oh These, Those Stars of Space. Those names are bold and huge, and I'm excited, but I got to say, are these just podcast conversations, you know, talking about specific things or with specific people? Is it that kind of podcast or is it something

a little bit different? No, while other podcasts are just groups of Johns who helped bad presidents, our podcasts are about really funny people telling fun stories full of surprise, adventure, and passion around every corner. Dang. That's amazing. How can we listen?

I can't afford these, though. They're probably too expensive. No, Tim. They're mostly free. What? But you... That's true. But me and I... And I can just... Okay, and you said Rude Tales of Magic and These, Those Stars of Space, yes?

Uh-huh. I'm also on a show called Fun City, but me and you overlap on those two podcasts. That's true. You know what? How about you plug the other one? Come on. Plug the other one. Come on. Oh, Fun City also? A lot of fun. Hey, come on. That's not bad. Disappointing if it wasn't.

Yeah, that would be... I wouldn't bring it up. And that's our serious podcast. Mm-hmm. That one's topical. I cannot believe you brought a skit. I'm amazed and impressed. Oh, yeah. Brot is a generous verb. Yeah, that sense.

I was also going to isolate Brot. I prepared a skit for you in place of a plug. A short scene. Well, I will say that, you know, Taylor, at least for Rude Tales of Magic, he has sort of mastered the audio pitch, the audio add, the audio teaser. I do think, Taylor, you have...

I've said this to your face before, but I do feel like you have sort of cracked the code of how to do promo of a product, of a creative product that actually captures the energy of what the product is rather than that feeling of that rote, like, you know, you can listen and we do this, we do that. I do feel you have sort of plugged in

on some sort of grand offering of energy in the style of a promo. Is that fair to you? Thank you, my goodness. I wasn't prepared for this. There was an ad read you did on Rude Tales for... I think it was like your Halloween show. Yeah, that's the one. It's still my favorite ad read

that you gave up total coherence. You gave up the English language in place of pursuing a bit, and that was where I was first like, I understand this man. I understand this person. Who was willing to just destroy the plug almost completely. To take a bit into the fucking stars

and have it explode there. Descend with me into the pit of madness. I love spooky... Like, I'm not a big pun boy. I think... A lot of times I think puns can be kind of cheap, but I fucking love spooky ones. Like, or anytime someone's like,

I'll have you for dinner, I get goosebumps because that's the dumbest thing I can imagine. And it's so funny to me. And I think that we should just all talk in spooky puns all the time. You can always say boo instead of you or do. You can always, you know, instead of saying,

of course you do, you can say of corpse you boo. Yeah. Your second example is already out of control. I say it all the time. I started saying it around people that don't, that I'm meeting for the first time, they had no context for it.

Which is a sign that I'm either like, really becoming myself and have achieved like a sort of clarity of personality, where I'm a fully actuated person. Or I'm, you know, like, they're going to push me out of the village and make me live in a hut on my own. I would like to plug our merch,

a thing which I've never done before, and will never remember to do again. You can find it. These guys spread a whole bit and we're just like, oh, I don't fucking know, everybody's shirt. Again, Brot is a mistake. Brot, they carefully prepared an entire elaborate performance.

And then you stop me right before I give the name of the website. Yeah, yeah, that sounds like it. To raise their bluff. Brot.com P-O-X-C-O store. You know that word. Dot com. We've got a new shirt of the Dog Zone 9000 logo

by the time you'll be listening to this, in case you're a fan of the podcast and nothing else, which hurts. It does hurt. It's not great. But I understand that you do exist. And we've also got a shirt where Sean and I wheeled lasers to fight apes in a volcano.

I don't know how you don't need that. It seems important. Yeah, it seems like it's probably going to fix something in the world. I have a question about a volcano ape. Sure, please. Always happy to feel them. From where do they swing?

Oh. They're cave apes, you see. So it's the lag traits, the lag mites, I imagine. Yeah, I guess still lag. Mostly they fall on the lava. If you're picturing them zipping along on vines, they do a lot of lava falling. It is a reference to our favorite movie of all time

and the best movie of all time, Congo, which we cannot talk about or the whole podcast will be Congo. We've done this several times. I appreciate you saying that because I was about to jump in with my memories of Congo. Yeah, we can. It's very self-aware to be like, I'm sorry.

We've done it on three podcasts. Three podcasts have turned into Congo podcasts. We're not allowed. Yeah, boy, we are the target demo for derailing to Congo. I read the book as a kid. Who's there opening weekend? Opening weekend for the movie. Taylor, we can't.

We can't. Hey, Herkamo, a guy. Herkamo. I've been to Herkamo, New York. I have mined for Herkamo diamonds. Okay, good. But where were their homokas? You have neglected the homokas.

Cave apes? Cave apes. Cave apes. We can't. You guys, we can't. You're right. You know I want to. Please understand.

I wish this was a Congo podcast. And as a matter of fact, do you guys want to start a Congo podcast with me? Just about Congo every day, every week. Put your hand upon my hip. But this podcast is about, it's all, we fucked up. It's disappointing now that it's not about Congo. I don't think that's true. I think I'll save you there and say I don't think people are disappointed.

To us. I think our die hard fans would rather just have us talk about Congo. We're playing Marvel Quest Probe featuring Spider-Man. And now if you listen to the last one when Ali and Carly were on, which they did great, Dane, Sean all teamed up to be one Hulk. And I was their Hulk master. And we played Marvel's Quest Probes the Hulk. A series of words which mean increasingly nothing.

It was an old school computer text adventure game designed by total madman Scott Adams, not the Dilbert guy. This one's, he's just as crazy, but in like a much cuter, more accessible, less problematic way. What's his house shaped like? I would imagine, well, from this, it's hard to tell. I would imagine some sort of Kubert Eskimo New Wave universe. What's ironic is this Scott Adams house is shaped exactly like Dilbert. Whoa.

Two. Very confusing. Insane coincidence. He's just, everybody asks, are you the Dilbert guy? And he just embraced it. It broke him. And now he lives in the shadow of another man voluntarily. Now Scott Adams, the good one, managed to convince Marvel to give him a 12 game series

with a full comic book tie in advertising runs in their comics. The Works is like the best deal anybody has ever done. And he immediately drove it all straight into the sea. He made three of those 12 games and then went out of business and they canceled everything and all of their plans for it. Wow. When was this? Go ahead.

When was this? This is 1984 for the first game. We're on the second game, 1985. Okay. I have so many, okay. Maybe this is not fun or funny to talk about. What year was like Zork and Hitchhiker's Guide text games? When did those come out?

I want to say right around the same era. This is like early Renaissance for the origin of the text game. Yes. This is very early. I will say these games, I think the first one started with a lot fewer images. They do have very crude images at this point. So maybe a couple of years post Zork where we had the technology to display up to one color in an image. Yeah.

Zork was 1980. 1980. So yeah, four years. Wow. I feel like I should say right now that I have limited experience with text-based adventure. I hope that's okay. Oh, that's great. None of it, if you had a lot of experience, none of it would help.

In fact, it would hinder you. Oh, okay. You would be expecting for them to function in a logical way and they're not going to. These are not going to. Okay. I have played a lot of these and it came in handy once during the first episode where we ended up in a maze and I said, oh, every one of these fucking games has a maze that changes directions on you every time you go through a place.

And Brock was like, yep, that's what this is. And then we sort of yada-yada through it. So that's the only time that knowledge is ever applied. Hey, Sean. Hmm. Guess what this game has. I'm almost certain this game has one. You will recognize, if you listen to the last podcast, you will recognize a lot of recurring

themes. I like to think they're his motifs, his artistic expression. But more likely he had one absolutely crazy idea about the world and how it functions. And he was trying to communicate that through these games and it did not work. Obviously, guys, if you listen to the first podcast, I don't know if you did, but Hulk dug a lot. And I think he bit his lip a lot. That's how he turned into the Hulk.

I have a feeling he might have re-skinned that same game. That's our plan. He should just pretend to be the Incredible Hulk and not Spider-Man and see how that does. For the first game, Marvel gave him the Hulk, like flagship character, especially at the time, and he figured the best Hulk adventure was one where Hulk bites his lip like a coy schoolgirl to turn into and out of the Hulk is constantly getting gassed from mysterious places so he can never use his Hulk powers. Mostly digs holes and gathers gems and once had his eyes eaten by ants, it was...

What? It was inexplicable. It was disconcerting. It was art. It's art. Is this the famous Hulk text game that's almost impossible to start that the first move is nearly impossible to guess? Yeah.

Well, the first move is bite lip. Okay. Okay. You're tied to a chair and your first move has to be... Right. I've heard legends about the Hulk game where you start off tied to a chair. Yep. That's it.

That's what we played. They did... I didn't give them a hint for the bite lip. Ali, Carly, and Sean figured out together relatively quickly bite lip to turn into Hulk or something close to it. I think we were just flirting with each other. Aw. And it was the right dynamic.

I'm just saying. You got there one way or another. So we're back to make the sequel to art, something which is always good and done often. Today, it's again Marvel Quest Probe featuring Spider-Man, a slightly different title format, which is crazy for a 12-game series that you change on the second game. There's something that means less. You three are on a team together. Okay.

Hopefully you all add up to one competent Spider-Man. Yeah? Oh, so we're all going to be Spider-Man. We all control the... You're all on a team together. Okay. And that means that we all control Spider-Man. He could be his teen angst.

Yeah. You guys have to split up his powers and his other personality traits. You don't, but I guess you are now. Yeah. I'll be how horny he is all the time. Okay. That'll definitely come into play. I'll be his awareness of family obligation.

Aw. Aw. You know what? I think this is actually a pretty accurate Spider-Man. Good job. Yeah. That's pretty much it. Anyway, this wonderful psychological analysis of Spider-Man will not help you.

I said it before in the first game. You're not really playing a game so much as going inception on the brain of a lunatic. Okay. This is like the Persona 5 mind palace of somebody who eats tinfoil to keep his soul from getting out. This is my favorite kind of art. This is why I love bad movies. Art that is so bad and strange that it reveals the very particular niche strangeness of the

artist. Baby, sign me up. Across these two episodes, you will see these recurring themes and yes, you will absolutely get to know exactly the flavor of Mad Man that Scott Adams was and what he tastes like. I'm going to taste you, Scott. Let's taste him. All right. We are beginning.

Marvel's the Spider-Man's Quest for Marvel Pro Edition. Start. A bite lip. We'll see if there's any residual Hulk code left in this game. That will be your first action, but let me set the scene for your Spider-Man adventure. I'm in a hall with shoddy threadbare carpeting on the floor and I see here a sign. I see exits to the north, south, east and west and sure enough, the image is of a very sad looking office building and we're going to go.

The command sequence this time is Spider-Man. I want you to, so that will be how you get commands. Spider-Man, I want you to web to the roof of the building. We'll get one second. We've got to try a bite lip. Why are we playing in this second person? Oh, Sean, you immediately found the cute Easter egg. Spider-Man, I want you a bite lip.

Begets. Sorry, I'm no Hulk. Oh, he saw us coming a mile away. Yeah. That's a shoddy shield though. I feel like we can crack that and get to that core code and now web to ceiling. What's our second? I don't know how to web something.

So second command. We're in trouble with Spider-Man. We need to find the web verb. So let's try to squirt web, shoot web, shoot web. Sorry. I can't. I've got no web fluid. Okay.

Do you? Yeah. There were times that Spider-Man invented webs and it's always been the craziest decision about Spider-Man to me. It was why you gave him all of these naturally. Let him make the goddamn webs. Everybody has to be a super scientist inventory. Spider-Man, I want you to look in your pockets.

Yeah. That's not a bad idea. You might just be carrying some. I liked it for its time. I liked it for its time because I always liked it when how those early Marvel heroes just had problems like that. I can't do it. I'm out of web fluid.

Yeah. I made him relatable. I was always out of web fluid. He was also always out of money because it was very expensive, I guess. He was like, oh, my web fluid supplies. Yeah. I love that. I love that.

These new Spider-Man's that can just make the web of fluid, to me, I say, that's not my Spider-Man. That's not my Spider-Man. These days, you can have any Spider-Man you want. I feel him. I feel him. There was a lot of nerd pushback during the Toby McGuire era because of that. They're like, well, he makes it himself.

And then it came like an allegory for puberty, like people were like, oh, what does this mean? Oh, gross. Oh, yeah. Oh, because it was. Yeah. Maybe that's why he took it out. He just, no.

He didn't think that far ahead. Stan Lee was like, I don't think we should have him squirt the fluid. You can? Yeah. But he's carrying nothing at all for right now. However, remember that going forward if you pick up things that you might need to use. So once again, you're in a threadbare, carpeted office, sad office, exits North, see, North, South, East, and West.

No web fluid, no inventory, Spider-Man is in this sad office building for no reason. Yes. And you hit on the first theme. It is the superhero will be able to use none of their powers or none of the cool things you like about them and they'll always be somewhere totally inexplicable. Remember Hulk, it was the opposite. He was in some sort of neon interdimensional Alaska. Yeah, we were like, yes album.

I would like to spoil things a little bit here and say that this is the entire game takes place in a few floors of a beat down office building. And we can't use any powers, there's no. You will use very limited powers perhaps three or four times throughout this entire game and the rest of the time. Are we even dressed as Spider-Man? No. I see him from the outside once or twice.

So yes, fortunately you are dressed as Spider-Man. And I'm going to say you're dressed as Scott Adams dressed as Spider-Man. Okay. That's what it is. So not super buff. Because this is not about Spider-Man. This is about whatever went wrong with Scott Adams at a formative period of his life. I see what you're getting at.

Yes. Let's maybe explore. Try different rooms. Yeah. Yeah. Go North maybe. I was going to say North Ho. Go North.

It is the exact same scene again. We're still in an office building. Okay. Can you imagine if this was that endless maze like the first scene is just you're trapped in corporate life, Spider-Man. This is my metaphor for the office ground. I go to the kitchen. I want to go to the kitchen.

I want to see if there's any coffee. Great idea. I want you to go to kitchen to see if that works. I don't know what kitchen means. Okay. I want to go to the break room. Go. Go.

Go break room. Spider-Man is no Vandal. Just picking out random words. No, it's because the break picked up on the break. I want you to break room. Spider-Man is no Vandal. He is. He is a Vandal.

He's a Vigilante. Oh, not in this game. He isn't. He's a wall-crawling menace. I don't want to get political. All right. Same thing. North, south, east, and west.

Do these games like reward investigation? Like should we like investigate room and will it give us more than the initial description? That's a tough one. Is it? Or by and large, no, but for a few scenarios that you would never expect. Yes. Yes. I love these things, man.

These things are such torture. I just got a great idea. Dig hole. Oh, shit. I can't do that yet. Gasp. We got to find a shovel. Yeah.

Where would a shovel be? Shovel. Earth. Earth. Unadorned earth. Desert is in the west. Spider-man, I'd like you to go west. Go west.

Okay. Okay. I go west. My spider sense tingles. In this room is a glowing gem on a pillar. Useless. No, stop. Go the other direction.

We're looking for a shovel, goddammit. And a glowing egg on a pillar. This, again, is another recurring motif. This glowing egg and glowing gem combination did appear in the first Hulk game. Good god. Can we grab it? Great news, everybody. We're going to lay off 20% of you.

I know, I know. But we are getting that glowing gem and glowing egg installed in that room to the west. There is nothing else in this room. It says, hold on. Let me get the full description. Sometimes you have to type, look to get it. I'm in a small deserted office. It looks to have been abandoned and all office furniture was removed.

There's a small window out of which I see the sky. And I see here a bio gem and a natter energy egg. Take the bio gem. Put it in pocket. Eat it. Before we take it, have we considered maybe sitting on the gem? Keeping it warm, hatching the gem. Not the egg.

There is an egg in this room. You don't want to sit on the egg. No, no, no. Hatch the gem. Yeah. The eggs a little one on one, you know? Yeah, yeah. Okay.

Do you think, Spider-Man, I want you to hatch gem or just sit on gem? Sit on gem. Yeah. First thing first. Sit on gem. I can't do that yet. Okay. Take aim on nitrate.

Sit on gem. It's like baby steps. Sit on egg. We know his inventory is empty, so he doesn't have any poppers. Yeah. Sit on egg is also I can't do that yet, which makes me think maybe you haven't earned the power of acidic. Look, cloaca.

It's just going to be, I don't know what cloaca is. You're right. You're right. We don't have to indulge every whimsy. Yeah. Let's get the gem and the egg. Although I think getting the egg will probably die. Take the gem or the egg.

Which one? Which one needs to start? Let's take the gem first because I hope that we need to collect 700 gems like in the first game. Spider-Man, I want you to take gem. I've got a bio gem. I sense a small explosion. Egg explodes.

I'm dead. Okay. I messed that up. The egg exploded, not the gem. Yeah. The egg exploded, not the gem. You are now in limbo. I'm in limbo and I see here a sign.

I see an exit down and there's a picture of clouds like you're up in the sky with a long spiraling staircase back to Earth. We're going to run into that author insert again. Hi, I'm not Scott Adams, Spider-Man. There's no way you'll get to it. We have to navigate purgatory now? Yeah. At least for a short while.

Yes. You again are like four moves into the Spider-Man game and you are currently navigating purgatory. So Spider-Man is like a Vatican I era Catholic. Yeah. Huh. I thought he was really happy. We've released Peter Parker from all that responsibility. Yeah.

He's got to just feel relieved for the first time in decades. He's out of that office grind is the metaphor. I think there's no responsibility in purgatory. What about guiding the visitors who wish to learn more about their fellow sinners? Peter Parker is never going to get out of this. Web swinging around. They're just sprinting to keep up. This is not fair.

Welcome to fucking purgatory. Go downstairs. Dude. Yeah. Oh, yeah. You're back in the office building. Yes. I mean, you're back in the original room, threadbare carpeting.

It's very sad, fluorescent lights draining your will to live. North, south, east and west are your exits. East. Go east. I want you to look. I'm in a waiting room next to the elevator. The elevator area is unremarkable except for the call button. And I see here a closed elevator door.

I see an exit west. I see the elevator. Do what to elevator? Let's hit press call button, I guess. Press button. Okay. Click. Nothing happened.

God damn it, game. This is another recurring motif. If you press the obvious button, it will spite you. Believe in the first game, it said it's just a button. We do have the proportionate strength of a spider. We can lift 10 tons. Elevator door is quite easy to open. Also, we can climb walls.

So if the elevator's not there, we could climb up the elevator shaft. I'm 100% certain that's not in this video game. Okay. Open the, are we opening the doors? It's pry open doors with spider areas. My spider boys. Okay. I exert my spider strength.

The doors are open. What the shit, that worked? I see here an elevator shaft. Climb up. Yeah. The command is go shaft. I don't want to. Much like I say every time I see the movie shaft.

Can we get the egg in our ass and then go shaft at the same time? Well, you don't have the egg because you exploded and died. You briefly visited purgatory. Okay. I'm in a dimly lit elevator shaft. The shaft's grimy and greasy. I see exits to the west and up. Grimy and greasy.

Oh, it's telegraphing that will slip and slide down the grimy greasy shaft. Okay. Somebody's using logic. Should we try up or do you, we're going to slide down. I guess we'll do, I mean Taylor, we think. Well, now that we know how to escape paradise, death holds no sway over us. That's true. We can return at our will to this mortal coil.

Which is the first spider power that you have actually earned. Escaping. The ability to escape heaven. It's his origin story. All right. Going up, go up. Sure. You just climb up.

It looks the same. You can leave to another floor or continue to go up. Another floor. This is going to sound crazy, but if we try digging in the elevator shaft. I want you to dig hole. I can't do that yet. All right. Still, I say we just keep going up.

Go up. Same thing. He's really reusing not only this image, but just the text. You cannot do again, leave the floor or I think go up again. Let's just go up as high as we can. Right. Let's just go up. Bump.

Something stops me. Okay. I think we figured out what it might be, Peter. Yeah. What could it be, Pete? All right. So then West, I guess is the other exit. But wait, it just said something stopped me.

Bump. Something stops me. Like you rammed your head into it. It sounds like the game is kind of biting its lip and playing coy. Yeah. Like, tell us what, what do you mean we don't know what box on our fucking head? Can we look up? Yep.

You get how pedantic this game is going to be. Okay. I see the elevator bottom. Okay. So it's an elevator bottom. Talking about hitting bottom. Boys. Right.

Mm hmm. Ellis. So I've heard of hitting rock bottom, but up bottom. Oh. Damn, did you do that with your mouth? Yeah. Oh, of course. I'm a professional beatboxer, but I can only do the gun.

All right. Let's get out of this elevator shaft. Yeah. We need to open the, open the doors. It says you can just go West. Okay. So you're in another elevator room. You got to go West.

Go West, Spider-Man. Go West. It looks like the same floor. Again, these are like four images that he got to use and repeating the text. And I would like to pause for a moment and just appreciate that really the only constraints in a text adventure are pure text and simple images. Right. Which you might recognize as like the foundation of the entire world of imagination.

So confining yourself to an office building where you have one description and one image is fucking crazy. It's the craziest thing. It's wild. Yeah. It's like writing a song with one note. I mean, what do you do? Who's this for?

Who are you? Franz Ferdinand? Well, I, here's, here's my question. That is an earnest question. Where does, in the conception of these text-based, their skies tech, if Scott Adams's text-based adventure games is like, what is his theory on fun? That's a big question. That's a big question.

And I think that's what we're trying to solve by playing all of these games. And where are you at so far and his theory on fun? Okay. I know his recurring themes are this bio gem and this egg and various gems. Every game is about gathering gems that are just like on the floor or in a hole. They're never anywhere exciting. And then you dump them unceremoniously at the feet of something and then wander off to continue more. So I think it's kind of a just really dreary Soviet era cartoon kind of sensibility.

Being a dog and finding things and dropping them. It's more like a squirrel. It's more like being a squirrel. Okay. Yeah. It's like being some sort of cosmic squirrel. I think he's like, he's trying to communicate the cosmic squirrel inside of him. But without the joy and the reverence of jumping, jumping up and down trees.

Yeah. There will be no leaping or scampering. I've seen squirrel scamper a lot. And no, the scamper command will never work. That's not too fast. Maybe let's tell Spider-Man to scamper. Spider-Man, I want you to scamper. I don't know how to scamper.

You were right. Yep. All right. You're in the hallway, north, south, east, west. It really doesn't matter. How about just north? Yeah. Until we hit something.

I like how we're again, maybe 15, maybe 15, 20 minutes into this game and we're already giving up on life. It doesn't matter. Just completely. Nothing matters. Nothing matters is what he wants to communicate. Okay. You are now in what looks like a high school chemistry lab.

Okay. Fucking finally. Investigate chemicals. I'm in a chem lab with, which oddly enough has no chemicals in it. Oh my God. What appears to be ready for business in all other respects. Okay. I see it's itself.

You're in an incredible magical toy shop, but it looks like it's closed. No one's here and their shelves are empty. Please wander through the endless maze of the empty aisles until you consider the fate of all man. Make sure to escape heaven and come back. Well, I'm glad I'm doing this after school at the school library waiting for my parents to get off work. Yeah.

Well, I'm glad I did with my friends McDonald's, but no, Tim, you're lying through your teeth. You would have fucking loved it. You would have been mad when your mom got there to pick you up because you're like, I want to explore one more vacant room. Using spider man's power, which so far consists solely of escaping heaven and not even jumping. Tom, wait, I was about to utilize West. All right, let's let's let's let's make a fucking mess in this chemistry lab. All right.

I want you to blow shit up. How about that? I don't know what shit means. Okay. Wreck the place. No. Oh, spider man's no vandal. Can we search room?

Is that a thing? Search room. I see nothing special. This will be 98% of the times that you type search room, you will see nothing special. If you try to examine an interesting character or a fascinating action, you will see nothing special. But if you think of the thing you would never think to look at and have no reason to try, that's vital to progressing the game.

Okay. That's a good tip. So I guess let's go south and try to find some chemicals. Spider tip. Yeah, I guess leave chemistry. Go south. Okay. Now, again, so you've just been north.

That's as far north as you can go east, west and south are still option. We've exhausted direction. North. Yeah. North is just the lab as far as you can go. And actually east is, let me double check east, east is back the way you came through the elevator shaft. So it's just west and south.

All right. Let's try west. Oh, fantastic. You have found my favorite part of the game. You are in the one and I think only comic book looking room of the game. They're futuristic looking computers. They look like they're something out of Buck Rogers spaceship at crazy angles all done in vivid pink.

In the middle of the room stands a guy dressed like the Riddler, but with a top hat and a mustache. He's called the ring master. I'm just going to. He leads the circus of crime, gentlemen. Okay. I want you to look and I'll just read it to you. I'm in a computer lab, which isn't totally empty of equipment.

Really sells short the visual here. And I see here ring master and a knob in the wall. He's going to town on the knob. Okay. Let's, let's greets ring master. I got to warn you guys. He has a hypnotic hat, so it might, it might be best if we close our eyes or punch him right now.

I don't know. I mean, I don't fear him. I don't fear the ring master is what I'm saying, I guess I want to learn from him. Yeah. Again, now that we can die and be reborn effortlessly. That's true. What power? We have the greatest power.

Birth. I still think we should punch him. Oh, agree. I'm going to go with that because you need to know what happens when you punch one of the many villains. You will see. Punch. Ring master.

Sorry. I can't ring master commands me to leave. I do. You're back out in the hallway. No, no, no, hold on a second everybody. Ring master made some very good points. It did not specify that he had a hypnotic hat. I didn't know that.

I thought he was just very persuasive. It didn't, it didn't specify that reading when I was eight. It also didn't specify that he hypnotized you or used powers on you in any way. He just commands you to leave and you're like, oh, I do. I go. I say let's go back in. I say let's go back in. Yeah, with our eyes closed.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Maybe he won't make us leave. We fuck around with a knob. What do you want to do with the knob? Turn it? I don't know. Turn the knob. Grab knob.

Okay. Click. Sorry. Nothing special happens. Ring master commands me to leave. I do. Can we try to go back in and close our eyes? So maybe if we can't see him, he can't hypnotize us.

Yes. And I would just like to call out at this point, the ring master's billet of scheme is just a health fighter. Just leave. Just go. Over and over. This fireman comes in and pokes at stuff, starts poking at computer buttons, slapping at stuff.

Ring master is like, come on. Yeah. Yeah. You're not allowed in here, Spider-Man. Like a misbehaving dog when you're recording a podcast. Just out. Out. Okay.

Close eyes. I want you to close eyes. I can't see. It's too dark. Ring master commands me to leave. I do. So we need to cover our ears somehow. I will.

Which in this game probably means filling them with something, not just covering them. Now you might remember from the Hulk game, this is another recurring theme, the solution to something will be closing your eyes and plugging your ears. And in the Hulk game, Hulk had to get wax, I think, to plug his ears. And he had to hold his nose and then wander through Omaze, completely devoid of senses so that Ants wouldn't eat his eyes. So this is another peek into the phobias or fetishes. I don't know of Scott Adams, but it's something that appears in every game.

Well, there's a dumb man playing with a knob. I think that's, you know, boy, who could ever decipher that? Yeah. What could that mean? Scott Adams. Like linear fucking bee over there. We'll never know what's up Scott Adams' ass. Okay.

So with your eyes closed, you can go west again and you're now in that room with your eyes closed this time. Oh, I see. That's a good idea to start that way. So when we said close eyes, what did the game say? It said, okay, everything is dark. Okay, all right. Let's push the knob.

Push knob. So you've wandered into this room with your eyes closed. Ringmaster is standing there just looking at you as you feel around the walls to push the knob. Say, I'm a different guy. And I'm allowed to be here. Okay. I pushed the knob and he does not command you to leave this time.

Okay. Now let's keep fucking with us. Turn the knob. Turn knob. Click. That's it. Okay. Let's punch ringmaster.

Punch ringmaster. Spider-Man is no vandal. I think the lesson we've done is pull the knob, right? So now we pull the knob. Yeah. Let's keep messing with it, I guess. Okay. Nothing special happens.

Jesus Christ. So we have engaged the click and that seems to have exhausted the knob options. I have a fear we skipped over something which is that trying to punch ringmaster, Spider-Man is no vandal. Is it just because he's so beautiful like Spider-Man would not destroy this human work of art? He's a state building, legally. Oh, God. All right.

Eyes are closed. You fiddled with this knob. What do you guys want to do? Jesus Christ. Is the knob, is there anything left to do with the knob? What do you do with the knob? We pushed it. We turned it.

We pulled it. Did you bop it? Bop knob. Did you twist it? Yeah, we got it. We got it bop the knob. I want you to bop it. Not the knob.

I want you to bop knob. I don't know. I don't know how to bop something. All right. Let's open our eyes. I'm in a computer lab. Hold on. I'm in a computer lab which isn't totally empty of equipment.

I see a gem and a knob in the wall. Ringmaster is gone. Not because you punched him because he didn't let us, because you did something with a knob and that is the solution to this puzzle and it is never explained. You turned a knob and now he leaves. So you can get that gem. We're going to get that gem. Hell yeah.

You've got your first gem. Honestly, Brock, what did you think the chances were of us solving that? Zero. I didn't think you'd solve a single puzzle in this game. That shouldn't have worked. It should have worked at all. You've connected with this dislogic so quickly that I fear for your lives afterwards. Wait.

So what exactly did we do that caused this? Do we know? You pushed and then turned a knob. The push and the turn, that was the way he left. That was the problem. Is the reveal that it was like a TV picture of Ringmaster and that we turned the picture off? Maybe.

I don't know. It's certainly never specified. So probably not that. It seems we're going to steal you. However, he also had Ringmaster's powers. I wonder if he comes back. Let's try pushing the knob again. I'm missing.

I'm looking. Pushing and turning. Turn the knob. Turn the knob to find out if Ringmaster is real. I want you to look. He's trying to verify we're not insane. No, he's still gone. So he was a real guy, but he did not like knobs or maybe he liked them a lot and you

ruined it. Can we just be clear? It was the combination of the push, the knob and the turn it, right? Yes. It was both of the... Sorry, closing your eyes on the hallway, wandering into the room, finding the knob while he just looked at you do all of this, then pushing it and turning it, and then he just left.

I see. What I like about this is the realism where I do think it is rarely portrayed or addressed in media that sometimes when you have to unlock a door, you sort of have to push in and then turn or pull up and then turn, you know? Yeah. It was just stuck a little bit. I feel like it's really infrequently addressed and this is the first I've ever seen this really be utilized in gameplay and storytelling.

I think it's more like a dimmer switch where you have to push it to turn it off and push it to turn it. So you push it and dialed? I don't know. I guess I don't like it anymore if it's a dimmer switch I don't fucking care. Fuck dimmer switches. All right. It doesn't seem like there's much else in this room.

What do you want to do? Leave it. There's a gem. Should we get the gem? I guess. I assumed. I told you we got the gem. I mean, I don't care.

We got the gem. Tim, opinion on gems? Go. I don't know the fuck about gems. I don't know what to do with them in this world. Nothing. Eggs blow up. I'll tell you what you do.

The gems don't cost anything. Nothing makes sense. I can't web swing. There's no break room in the office building. Just Louise. We're going to get coffee. Leave a little cake on your birthday for your fucking coworkers. Nothing makes sense in the staying world.

But that's what I get for being Spider-Man. The only direction left in this hall is to go south. South is, I'm in a small deserted office. It looks to have been abandoned and all of its furniture was removed. There's a small window out of which I see the sky. And I see here in this totally empty room, apparently just lying on the floor, hydrochloric acid, calcium carbonate, and exotic powders. Mix them.

Mix them. Mix them. Mix them. Mix them. Mix chemicals. Sorry. I've got no facilities here. Oh my God.

I know where I am. So we are supposed to find some sort of chemistry facility? Gasp. They don't, you goddamn idiots, they don't keep the chemicals in the chemical lab. They keep them on the floor in the abandoned room down the hall. And you can only mix them in a room that has their name on it. All right. The speed that's coming along.

Get chemicals to east, north, north. Whoa. I'm going to just deal with it, but you would have to type in every single one individually, of course. Of course. I'm not making you type as much as possible. Calcium. No, that reminds me of, remember typing games that like taught you how to type?

Oh, hell yeah. It's like you could play Mario, but just like you have to learn how to type, but you have to type stuff rather than control it or like, like, I think it was Mavis Beacon, it was like a typing game. Or there was one typing game where you had to type what it said, and then like if you did it well, you did a cool slam dunk. That was sweet. It was like typing of the dead or something like that.

Yeah. That ruled. Anyway, you're back in the lab with your chemicals. Now mix them. You utilize the lab and mix the chemicals together, one by one. Sorry, I've got too many ingredients. Be more specific. My God, the game is pedantic.

Okay. Mixed acid and chloride, or is that, I can't remember what we have. We have calcium. Is that a powder, calcium chloride and hydrochloric acid? I see here, calcium chloride. I'm going to get the calcium chloride that you have just made. I've got calcium chloride. Oh, we made that.

I thought we already had it. Yes. No, you had calcium something and you've mixed it with acid to make calcium chloride. Oh, okay. A thrilling adventure as a Spider-Man. I don't know what we do with calcium chloride. Is that like stable? Can we just carry it around that?

Carry that with us? I guess you're going to have to fucking find out. Okay. Should we mix that with the weird powder? I guess. I guess. Are we making web fluid? Oh, we're making webs.

Mixed calcium and powders. That's genius. Sorry, I can't do that. So you have reached the limit of what can be done in this lab before now. Okay. So we had to go to that lab to mix two wets that we already had. Yes. Game.

Game. I'm going to get you back to the elevator shaft. I think I want you to look up. So the elevator bottom is right above you and you're in the elevator shaft. This is honestly the hardest game I've ever played because I have no guidance and I have no, I've never, I've never played a game that is so aggressively anti you doing anything. It is anti fun, anti player agency that seems to actively hate you, but also wants to communicate the world of a madman.

Well, I feel like the Elden Ring of text. What I feel like is all it's been communicated, if we're going to talk about like the brain of the creator, I feel like the one thing that's been communicated to me right now is that like, isn't it cool that I can guide you? Like isn't it cool that I can sort of lead you into a room? Like that, that's the anything I want to you in that role. Like he's just marvel, marveling at like the technology. I think he's, it seems like he's marveling at the sort of, how do I say this, the idea

that he could open a door for you and say, would you mind walking in or maybe you'll walk somewhere else. The freedom of early video games. All right. Exits are down. There's an elevator bottom above you. Hmm. Down?

Yeah. Why not? Down. You can leave to explore this floor or go down again. Yeah. Let's check this floor out. There is, I think it's here. We're just, you're never going to get to this organically.

So, Spider-Man, I want you to look on the description. The exact description is, I'm in a dimly lit elevator shaft. The shafts grimy and greasy. I see exits to the west up and down. Now if you were going to interact with something based on this description, what do you think you would do? I feel like I would interact with the, the bottom of the elevator itself that we bump into, right?

That's the shaft above you and you're right. You can push that elevator out of the way. Oh, let's do that. What? That's a hot chip. But there's something. Maybe the cable, a light switch, the grease. None of which have been, the grease has been mentioned.

Rub grease. I want you to. Rub grease. Sorry, nothing special happened. I'm going to skip ahead. We'll give you one more guess because I feel like you might get it. So far you're in an elevator shaft and the only thing that's been called out is it's very greasy and grimy.

Is there like a, like an air vent? No, there's no air vent. It's just bricks. It's a brick elevator shaft. Poor chemical on grease. Good. Yes. Maybe chameleon in the elevator with us.

Try to think of invisible Spider-Man enemies. No, pouring the chemical. So I'll help you out because he almost got there. Spider-Man, I want you to look niches. I'm sorry, what? Niches? Niches. Look.

Amazing. Niches. Yeah, those niches that have not been mentioned and you would never know. But if you do look niches, you find and get a gem. I hate Scott Adams. And now, I would like to introduce you to something else. Now that we're going to go up near that one floor higher portion of the elevator shaft, guess what we're going to do here?

Use chemical. Look in the niches. Look. Niches, I found and got a gem and you're going to have to do that in every section of the elevator shaft. Oh my God. Much like Hulk dig holes, Spider-Man, look niches. Look niches.

And now what are the gems? Examine the crannies. Have we tried examining the crannies? What the fuck not? You have exactly as much chance of, I don't know what crannies mean. Did you mean niches, you idiot? Finger the nooks. Who said crannies?

Now, maybe I was zoning out at the beginning of the game a little bit because I don't remember anyone saying we needed gems. Is there something at the beginning of the game that says you better go get some gems? No. No. I guess you should know that. I think there is a character. Actually, I don't know if she even tells you.

I think you're sort of bored knowing that. Like Scott Adams thinks that everybody is just kind of born intrinsically wanting gems. And so when you enter into a video game- That's true, I think. It's not wrong. Yeah, it's not right. I do think it's true. Spiders love gems.

I push that elevator out of the way. Okay, I exert my spider strength and you can go up. So me and my, when my wife was my girlfriend, we had this bit that I wouldn't buy her gems. She's like, will you buy me gems? I was like, I'm sorry. I can't afford gems. And she's like, why won't you buy me gems? It was like a joke that we had.

And then one day for her birthday, I bought a bunch of Monkala beads and put them like in a, like a, a, a, a, presented them. I was like, look, I got you gems. And her attitude really was like, these aren't gems, these are Monkala beads. And I was like, but it's like our joke and she's like, well, you could have gotten different fake gems. These are clearly Monkala beads. And I was like, yeah, maybe I really, I was like, they're shiny, they're smooth, they

glisten, they're glass, right? What is it? What is a gem? And then we had a big fight about the nature of gems. Well, we did have a conversation about the nature of gems because I think I was a bit incredulous when I was like, but they're, you know, but they, but she's like, I know, but I know they're Monkala beads. She wanted better bit gems.

I think she just wanted the punchline to land a little better, I guess. I kind of think it was that cause I was like, she married the wrong guy. Well, I was like, I think I did like give them to her and she's like, what are these? And I was like, they're gems. And she was like, no, they're Monkala beads. For that joke to work. I need to clearly know they were gems. I was like, what?

I thought. Tim, I'm with you. I stand with Tim. Thank you. Hey, these are gems, but ladies, they're like, these are beads. Oh, you. I mean, she's right. I mean, at the end of the day, the audience is right.

Like if you're not, if you're not seeing it, then you're, then, hey, I should present it better. Well, it's interesting now to think about in this world that we naturally want gems and we know what they are. This is a gem context. Man, Scott Adams would love this conversation. I just have a feeling that I hope he never hears it. This is.

This is what happened. This man will be never knowing. He deserves joy. Is he dead? I don't know. I assume not. I guess. Well, let's just say this.

Not yet. Whoa. I can't do that yet. Can't dig his grave yet. I can't go for that. Whoa. Oh, sorry. I don't know what death means.

All right. I have moved the elevator shaft that you. Come on, guys. Let's focus on the niches. Yeah. We got to get in there. You have pushed the elevator out of the way and gone. You've exited onto the floor and this is the only one of the only floors that is different

and I'm in a luxury penthouse, which is in top notch condition. Whoa. Look at the little term. I see here an open shaft, a thermostat, a desk, a couch, a painting, and a clock. Check and niche. Check and niche. Yeah. Check niches, examine niches.

Look, niches. Notice me niche. Okay. I see nothing special. So there are niches. They're just not special ones. Yeah. Hey, everybody.

These niches are normal. They come out for you. Don't worry. Normal niche walking. Are you sure? Did you investigate them or do they just look normal? Let's look at the niches inside ourselves. Investigate clock.

Oh, yeah. Clock's got niches. Look. Clock. Okay. I see 89 moves used. What? Oh, my God.

It doesn't tell the time. It tells our relative moves from, okay. Very disturbing. Now, I will solve the puzzle in this room for you after you've tried it a little bit. All right. All right. Painting. There's a thermos.

Yeah. Look, painting. Let's look at the painting. It is of J. Jonah Jameson. Okay. I see a frame portrait of J. Jonah Jameson. Tear that shit up. I want you to.

It's our sworn enemy. Tear painting. I exert my spliter strength. I found and get a torn piece of paper. Oh, no. If you look at the paper, I see a partial web formula needs exotic powders and but not calcium chloride. Who would put Spider-Man's web formula on a J. Jonah Jameson paint?

Why does he have it? I assume this is his penthouse, I guess. Oh, of course. He hates him, but also loves him. He's a menace, but he makes great webs. Okay. The thermostat, I guess we don't have a reason to use that, but nobody remember that. I'm sure we'll run into something ice later and we're like, oh, how do we do it through

the ice? Okay. Well, we'll revisit that. I just want to pause for a second and be like, so much has gone on and nothing has gone on at the same time. This game that we've all skipped over the fact that Spider-Man who invented and uses his web formula completely forgot it and needed the slip of paper hidden in the painting in J. Jonah Jameson's apartment.

He doesn't know his own web formula. Well, that happened. It's the seed of this puzzle. That happens to me all the time. Yeah. I mean, have we forgotten the password? Yeah. No.

Perfect. That's what you're saying. Yes. What's weird is my passwords are all web fluid four. Interesting. Okay. You still have a few objects in this room. Invest it all in.

You want to look thermostat first. I don't like that the clock tracks us. It's very disturbing to me. I see it set at 71. Nice temperature. In Spider-Man text game, the clock tracks you. Pretty funny. So close, Tim.

So close. Pretty funny. The actual formula. Oh, gosh, so close. I thought it was perfect. I'm going to email that to him. I mean, in Spider-Man text game, north go nowhere. Oh, you're getting further away from it.

No, no, no. We'll get back a little bit. Yeah, you are. You're getting further. Let's examine shaft. Or is that the shaft that we just came from? Is there a new shaft? That's the shaft you just came from.

So we don't need to examine that. I look couch. I look couch. I see nothing special. Let's tear up the couch. Maybe the rest of our formula is in the couch. Yeah. Tear.

Couch. I don't know how to tear something. No vandal. Just did. Tear clock. It just hit me that it says Spider-Man's no vandal. I was expecting that when I said tear up the painting. But apparently tears up paintings.

And also you immediately forgot how to tear something. You used the one time. As we all know, if you have a word in your brain and you, you enact that word, it is gone. It is like a spell slot that you have used in your brain. What's the verb? That's the human rule. So remind me, was this,

this was the last game he made or this was, he made a few more. One more after this. One more. What was that one? It was Marvel Quest probe with human torch and the thing. Oh, okay. Okay.

I've, I've discovered that he's alive and living in Florida. Good for him. Good for him. Interesting. Okay. So let's go. Let's exit this room.

Or is there still more to do? I will solve this puzzle for you. The puzzle is I'm going to get the couch. I've got a couch. I'm going to get the desk. Got a desk. I'm going to get the clock. So these are in our inventory.

Yeah. Spider-Man is now carrying a full size couch. And a clock. We're supposed to grab them as if we, as if they were a jam or something. Yes. Or a chemical. We're supposed to grab the couch and the painting and the clock.

And you're going to get the corn painting as well. Why not? And that is it for this puzzle that you have solved the puzzle, which is that you have stolen everything in this apartment. God damn it. We are carrying a couch, a painting and a clock. And a desk. And a desk.

Y'all. Perfect. We can start a talk show. Okay. You've got to go down. You've already, I think, let me check that you. What do you think about that clock? Yes, sir.

Yes, sir. I would like Spider-Man to establish talk show. Okay. Go north. Film pilot. And you're in the chemistry lab. And you are going to make web. Since you found that formula.

Partial success only. Okay. So that's it. That is never explained. I want you to use couch on web. I know. Well, that may not be the first word of your command. Maybe we'll make a couch shooter.

I don't know. It's not invalid. Extreme madness. Don't feel like your, your choices aren't valid. Okay. I think you're mostly done on this floor. So you're going to go east and go shaft. Go down.

Not now. We're going to remember. Look niches. Right. Of course. That just goes to that thing. We're going to look niches. Of course.

That's the tagline to spider-man. Look niches. Go west. And you are, I'm in a waiting room next to the elevator. The elevator area is unremarkable except for the call button. And I see here a wall mirror and an open shaft. Might look nice to the couch. Exits to the east and west.

Look mirror. Look mirror. A little picture of spider-man. Take mirror. Yeah. Or enter mirror. Mirror master. It's beyond my power to do that.

That would, I don't think it's mirror master, but it could be. Okay. That would be real some, really something. Grape mirror. Yeah. Yeah. Or a flash bill. Okay.

Brake mirror is giving me that spider-man is no vandal. Look at formula in mirror. Oh wait. The formula was already coherent, wasn't it? Yeah. You got it. Uh-huh. If you go west, you are outside of the building.

What's the, what? So there's just an open hole? There's an open window and you're clinging to the side of the building like spider-man. Oh. This will be one of two spider-man things, three spider-man things you do in the spider-man game. Enjoy. Okay.

And we still have the desk? Uh, you still have the desk? The couch? The couch? Place the couch and desk on the side of building. Just turn the whole world 90 degrees. The whole universe. Can you, I wonder if you can drop the couch?

I leave a couch. On the side of the building? On the side of the building. With no webs? And the room description is now, I'm on the side of the skyscraper. There are no ledges or other protrusions at all. And I see here a couch. I don't think so, Tim.

I don't know. We broke your game, Scott. We found the single bug in your game. Yeah. Your perfect game. Had one armor plate that was just thin enough for us to murder it through. Oh, gosh, Scott, I want to find you. I live in Miami.

Miami? Okay. That's a pretty big city. Every 10 minutes, I'm going to release a new piece of information about Scott Adams. In Miami, Scott Adams, you. I see exits to the east up and down so you can go back in the window east or up and or down because you're on the side of the building now. I guess up.

Jump. Just leap. Double jump. Something stopped me. What? Look up. Look up. Outside something stopped me.

I see clear blue sky. It could have been a niche. Have we checked the niches? Look niches. Okay. I see nothing special. So there are niches in every room. Your other option is go back in the window or go down.

Go down. Well, something stops me. Are you fucking serious? I would like to. I would like to take another moment here to stop and appreciate that there are invisible walls in the boundless game of imagination. There are invisible walls that keep you from climbing the side of the building. The one and only Spider-Man thing you have managed to do so far.

I'm mad. Yeah. I don't like that at all. Let's see. The true solution to this puzzle is to say I want you to climb ceiling even though you're on the outside. Right. And it now says, okay, I'm on an office ceiling and I see here an air intake mesh and a strange

mist below. What? Jesus. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I climb up to see event. Is that what you said? Yeah. So you got on the floor.

You jumped out of the window and clung to the side of the building. Then you climbed to the ceiling of the outside. And now you're on the ceiling of the outside with a vent in front of you and a strange mist below. So this is built in the below. So we're above the building now. You're above the mist on the ceiling of the outside. Well, can we open the mesh?

But we were outside the building before. Yes, you are. So we're above the- Which is the reason that you're still outside the building, but you're on the ceiling. Is the mesh like what he means by like a vent cover? Yes. Okay. So let's open that.

Okay, I exert my spider strength. There's now a duct. Go duct, I'm assuming. Well, does it have any niches? Well, let's see. Look, niches. See nothing special. I'm in an air duct and I see here a gem.

So get gem. Okay. You've got two gems. So we didn't get that one gem that we grabbed when the egg exploded? No, you don't get to keep that bio gem because you exploded and died. That makes sense. So we can't go back there and then like pick it up off the floor? I think it resets the game there.

So we have to go all over again. No, if you go back to that room, that room is now empty. Oh. Huh. Okay. So you're in an air duct. There's a fan and a large fan. I'm just stunned by that.

I feel like I'm in like a, I don't want to say, I don't want to say Kafka S, but I do feel that you're sort of, that you're like a bureaucrat who has my life in the palm of your hands, sitting across a desk that represents a vast golf of power. And I, a simple villager, am asking common sense reasonable questions and you were looking at forms and telling me that up is down and black is white.

Yeah. Yeah. Ditto. Ditto. Ditto. Taylor. Ditto. Taylor.

Ditto. Taylor. I feel like it's not quite Kafka. Like that's not the right vibe, but maybe it's like Japanese Kafka. Ditto. Like an office base. Taylor.

Ditto. Taylor. Ditto. But don't you feel that like, and this is, you know, I'll tell you guys this too. I bought an Oculus headset kind of for Christmas for my wife. This game would rule on Oculus. It would be great.

But it was like the first thing I played on it was Resident Evil 4, which was amazing. I mean, I flew through it. It was so much fun. But also I would come out of having played it for seven hours. I would come back into the real world and everything would kind of be confusing. And my adrenaline would be spent because I just spent seven hours in a body horror nightmare of like constant fight or flight feeling.

And I realized like, oh, because the helmet's very good. I mean, say what you will about the metaverse on stuff that the, that that quest headset fucking rules. It's so much fun. But like we invent this infinite imagination machine that can replicate anything, the infinite power of imagination. Just like you said, and the first thing we do with it is build hell. Yeah.

And then spend seven hours in it. Be in hell. Well, I will say one thing about your description, which I am so close to saying dill for. I'm so close to saying dill though. I won't quite get there. I'm gonna get a ditto out of you, my friend. I don't know.

Dude, good luck. You might try, but I doubt it. Is that in that situation, I like care about what this person, you know, with their papers is telling me. I am like curious about what's in the papers. I am like, I am sort of, maybe I'm even hurt by the sort of like injustice of what's going on. But in this world, there is like an absence of stakes,

an absence of care, an absence of excitement, like an absence of curiosity even where it's like, I don't, from the first, from the first room, I knew that to care about any direction would be no reward, you know? I think that's kind of, I think this is, this is why I say it's like going into Scott Adams' mind. It's not like he designed a game, like a fun adventure game. It's like he's trying to communicate something about the way he perceives the world.

And it is bleak. It is bleak and bizarre and nothing connects or makes sense. Where'd you say he's from again? Currently, he lives in Miami, Florida. He's 69 years old. Okay. But where did he live when he made this game? I don't like Iowa.

State of sheer despair. In a state of idle despair. He was born in Miami, Florida. This is a sunshine boy. Miami's such a dynamic city. Miami shouldn't claim that. They do have pieces of shit there. Wait, sorry, hold up one second.

I have to do one thing real quick and I'll come right back. That'll be giving me a ditto. Yeah, he's gonna go get you a ditto. Oh, I thought he was doing a bit. He actually left. He's probably not coming back. He just needed a minute, man. This game is getting, it's starting to, I feel it like burning in your psyche.

You're burning back in like five hours. He's like, no, guys, I meant it when I said I didn't fucking care about this game. I think it's gonna be back in two minutes and just be like, it's been seven hours. I'm so sorry. I'm back. Welcome back. I'd have a quick gem fight with the old Marlon Jane. Yeah, I did.

I was telling you that Count is Gems. The boys on the podcast said. I have to quickly relegate to Moncala B de Baco. All right, let's recenter. We are in an air duct. There is a spinning fan. What do you want to do? Touch it.

We do have, I'm just gonna do a touch fan. Partial webs. We didn't stick our hand in the fan. Sorry, nothing special happens. We don't have webs yet, right? You do have somehow unsuccessful webs. It is never, I played the whole game.

It is never explained how these are partially successful webs. Let's squirt these half, like, liquidy webs on. All right, see what happens. You have gotten, I'm not gonna make you fuss over the commands. I think it is shoot web at fan. Okay, I hit the fan.

Spang. Now, now you will have to, to solve this puzzle, you will have to look fan and see that our RPMs fan rotates 400. I see a button beyond the fan. Shoot the button with the webs. Yes.

Shoot button. Shoot web at button. We are Spider-Man. It's fuck now. Okay, I hit fan. Spang. Look fan. Fan rotates 375 RPMs.

Oh, okay. We just gotta keep the hammer. So it wants me, specifically, me to sit here for like 10 minutes and shoot web at fan, shoot web at fan. Oh, Spider-Man. What's going on, Adams?

Again, a child would have, a child would have potentially saved up their allowance for this. Shoot web, and he just wants to know that he hates you. What's that enough? Look fan. Spins at 75.

No. It's not enough. Shoot web at fan. There's this movie called The Eliminators and it has a cyborg who has like a tank for legs. Oh yeah. And there's a scene with a fan and they're like, how are we gonna get past this fan

and the ninja looks at it and he's just carefully times it and just jumps straight through that fucking fan. I'm saying Spider-Man should be able to do that. If that one ninja in that movie. Well, sort of. You can get the lowest, you can get the fan is 50 RPM

and you have to do it from 525 RPMs at a time, which I have done in my hands hurt. Thank you for doing that. Let's dive through it. And now, now because you already guessed it, shoot web at button. Oh, I was gonna dive through like the ninja, but yeah.

Thanks for giving us the answer. Okay, I hit it, click. I'm in the air duct and I see her. Stopped fan. You can go fan now. I'm in a maze of air ducts. Is this the maze that like doesn't, that magically changes?

Yes. I'm in a maze of air ducts. I'm totally confused and not really sure of my compass directions. And I see here a gem. Take the gem. It's a gem. I was wrong.

It's not Kafka. Let's try to do all the, it's not Kafka. It's Gondry. This is like a, we are struggling to put ourselves in a surreal prison. Yeah. Yeah.

You know, it's being John Malkovich. Because this is, this is CGA art. The only colors are pink and blue. So it is very surreal in Michelle Gondry. Pink and blue. What is these 3D glasses? Uh-huh.

Ditto. Whoa. Hey, we haven't gotten there yet. Who just met? Haven't gotten there yet. Chill on the ditto, please. I will solve this horribly annoying puzzle while you banter.

That would be great. If you could just solve for us. Cause the idea. I got it through the maze. Cause hearing that we got to a maze really deflated my spirits. Yeah. My spine curled.

In every, in every romance you wander through those ducts, you will just see, I'm not really sure where I am. The same description, same image over and over again. This would kill many afternoons. But there you go.

Our solution. We're through. And when you look. Through the maze. I'm in a dimly lit basement. The equipment all looks new and modern. And I see here, Dr. Octopus,

Electro, and a printing press. That's the sinister three. They're making a zine. I see West and up. Electro throws electrical bolt at me. I'm dead. I'm in limbo.

And I see here. God damn it. Are you fucking kidding? I'm gonna, Oh boy. And you, all you can do here, is go back down.

Hey, look, you're at the start again. I can't believe that. Can I, do we have, Well, I should have told you this. We just do these podcasts until you beat it. So,

the longest we've gone with one of these is, 17 days and 14 hours. So, Fun though. No, get to a ditto place before that time is up. No, what I'm going to do now is take you to a couple of rooms

that feature my favorite puzzles and you'll, go get a guest or two. And then I'll fast forward through the game and tell you, what it was all about. Yeah, that'd be great. Cause I really sense like I've deflated your spirits about as much as they can go. Well,

you didn't make us go through the maze, which I think says a lot about your personality. Please trust me in that I have actually helped you skip all the most banal parts of this game. I believe you. There are many. I feel like I'm in good hands, but I,

I also feel like I've discovered an enemy today and that's never a good feeling. I'm like, that is the relationship I want to nurture with almost everybody whose work I respect. I feel like, I feel like that's the best like that adversarial thing brings it out. I've got Scott Adams email address here. Like, you know,

we know when there's someone in your social sphere, we're like, Oh, they're not for me, but they're fine. And then that one moment you see them do something and you're like, Oh no, they're, they're my enemy.

You know, This has turned. Yeah. The maze to this for me. We're actually, no, no, I think,

what, what, let's go backwards a little bit. I mean, honestly, probably room one. Yeah. Yeah.

When you spent, when you set your Spider-Man game, when you have all the assets in the world, you're not constrained by budget only your imagination. And you're like, I've got it. Threadbear abandoned office with like, shitty carpeting.

And that's the whole thing. It's all in that office. That's my Spider-Man game. That's when I made an enemy. Dear Scott. Please don't actually write him. I'm sure he's a nice old man. I mean,

I have a lot of evidence that that's not the case. I'm sure he's a nice old man who is trying to communicate how being alone inside of his head with usher syndrome is slowly shutting him off from the world. I'm going to cut that one too. Cut that one too. Cut that one too. All right.

I've taken you to one of my favorite puzzles. I'm in a small deserted office, of course. It looks to have been abandoned and all furniture removed. There's a small window out of which I see the sky. And I see here a crib and sand all over the floor. Oh, Jesus. My Spider-Sense tingles. Someone says, ouch.

Fuck, man. This is a fucking trip. I like, holy shit. Why is there a crib in this game? Why is there a crib? Why is there a crib in this game? All right. We'll speeder on this one.

So give me one guess. I'll get you through each step. Rock the crib. It's Sandman. It's got to be Sandman. It's the baby. Oh, it's the baby. Sandman's baby.

It's Sandman's baby, for sure. Okay. It's the daycare of the office. Sandman brought us baby. Look at the crib. Okay. I see formula. My Spider-Sense tingles.

Someone says ouch. Who says ouch? Investigate this voice. It's the sand we're walking on. I bet he is all up in those niches. Oh, let's take this. How could we not? What did Sandman do to the baby?

It's nothing special. Okay. Now, your next step is to approach crib or go crib. Go crib. Go crib. Go crib. Sandman's sand materializes into Sandman. Oh, my God.

Gasp. Stop it. It says, okay, I'm at the crib. My Spider-Sense tingles. Close eyes. Sand becomes Sandman. And now he stands there with his hand out. The text of the game says, literally,

Sand becomes Sandman. Yes. I read that. That was verbatim. Now, Sandman is standing here. For like a handshake? Yes. Maybe he wants the baby.

Let's see. For a jam. For a crib. We got a lot of jams. He can have one. Okay. I see formula in the crib. So your goal here is to get the formula.

Okay. Now, the baby formula or like our web formula? It could be either. Could be either. Or tell. Could be either. Could be somebody's been feeding that baby webs. Whoa.

Taylor, can you? How do you think? Whoa. Sorry. You're right. Taylor, can you, is that? No, I overstepped. We will cut that one.

No, no, no, no. I want that one to stay in. No, no, you're right. People should see. Yeah. I don't. The baby should be eating webs. Tim, I'm just doing a bit.

I don't think babies should really be eating webs. You're joking. If I saw, listen to me. Listen to me, Tim. Okay. From the bottom of my heart. If I saw someone feeding a baby. If I saw someone feeding a baby a handful of spider webs.

Yeah. What would you do? I would, I would walk up to them and I would hit it out of their hand. And I would take the baby and I would take it to a child protective service. Wrong. Oh. Parents are in control. You don't know their culture.

You don't know what parents are doing. If you're not a parent, you have no right to judge a parent. Wrong, Taylor. Wrong again. What if the parents putting the webs on the baby's eyes? Not eyelids, but on the eyes. This is actually the solution to the puzzle. You have to be kidding me.

Webs in the eyes. Yes, of course I'm kidding. There's no way to tell. No, of course. There's no of course in this game. So you have one action. Sandman's here to stop you. Do you want to get the formula?

Yeah. Get formula. Sorry. Sandman won't let me. Stop Sandman. Web him up or some shit. Yeah. Tear Sandman apart.

Punch Sandman. Okay. I exert my spider strength. I hit him and I do no damage. So this is another element of these games. You will encounter several villains. You will punch them with your notorious spider strength. And then you will do nothing.

They will just stand there and say, What? But it allows you to punch them and do nothing. Huh. What does Sand hate? Couches? Spider-man just doesn't, he just doesn't like you. So he won't let you get to the crib, but he's not fighting you.

You know what, Sand? Maybe we turn the thermostat up to like 10 million and turn him to glass. Glass man. No, what you then would punch him. Of course. Do we turn him into McCullough beads? Not gems. Hey.

Not gems. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. What you do. We all turn on each other. This game has cost us to betray one another. Of course it would.

Of course. I mean, you bonded so clearly over the Hulk, but going back in, I mean, it's like bonding in a war and then being sent into another war. Like the second time around, camaraderie is just not going to be there. Yeah. It's like, you know, you leave the first four. You're like, well, you know, at least I got these connections. You go in the second war.

You're like, I know the only thing I'm going out of this is connections. They already got it. Lost their luster. Yeah. All right. So you have left the room, which is the solution to that puzzle. And now you climb on the ceiling, which is the other. Oh, Jesus.

This is the, no, this is the third Spider-Man thing you do. You go outside and cling to the side of a building, which does nothing. You shoot webs at a fan over and over again until you want to die. And you climb on the ceiling in order to go west. So you don't step on the sand, which does not alert Sandman. And now you can go to the crib and now you can get the formula and it's, you know, you can look at the formula and it's baby formula and it does nothing. It lets us shoot babies out of this.

All of this was, now I would like to explain this was supposed to be a joke about how you're looking for a formula and you find baby formula. However, this room is several floors and one puzzle down from the room that did have a formula that told you you needed a formula. Also, to be perfectly honest, I'm still not sure I'm supposed to be looking for formula. Yeah. It's never really specified.

So this is the set. This is the punchline to a joke that was never set up. And I do feel like there must be a baby here though, if there's a crib and all these super villains, like we're probably rescuing a baby at this point. That's what I think. That's what you would think. We should assume. And your mind has betrayed you once again.

Oh, every time. All right. There is, I would like us to go, let's go south. We are now, I'm in a small deserted office. It looks to have been abandoned and all office furniture removed every time. There's a small window out of which I see the sky and I see here lizard. And it's just, he's just hanging out in an empty office building, praying for the release of death, I would suppose.

So let's do it. Bad news lizard. Punch lizard. I exert my spider strength. He dodged it. I missed. Drat. It never works.

Squirt milk into lizard mouth. Oh, you get close because the solution is actually throw chemicals. Oh, wait. Oh, it's so I am. That's wrong. Lizards was not always a kid. And I, and because of that, I loved the lizard. Because I was like, that's what I want to be is a guy who transforms into a lizard.

You know, and I remember reading like, like I had the card of the lizard. I remember, and you know, it's at that age, I would tell, you know, my parents or brothers or teachers or like babysitters about like about these characters I liked. I remember specifically saying one of the things that makes lizard so hard for Spiderman to to defeat is that he knows lizard is actually his friend. So he has to hold back from hurting him. I was specifically that that was a fact about this character. I communicated.

It was important for you to share one of his tools and battling Spiderman is Spiderman's insistence on pulling his punches because he doesn't want to hurt his friend Kirk Connors. His most sinister weapon is the long friendships he cultivated along the way. Yes. Okay. So you throw calcium at the lizard and it dries him out and he becomes No.

Connors. Connors, wow. Both dries him out. It dries him out. Lizards are already supposed to be dried by the sun. They're warm. Get out. You fucking.

Lizard. You just did it with me? Yeah, dude. I did it. Okay. You got me, dude. You're right. You got me.

Shit. I did it again. Don't do it. Don't do it with me again, dude. Oh. I told you I did it with me. You did it. You just did it with me.

Daddy gonna do it again, my dude. Daddy do not do it. I told you do not do it. You did it. Daddy gonna do it again. Do not do it again, daddy. Daddy gonna do it. No.

Daddy did it again. Daddy still again. Like we've not been invited into this bit. I don't either have the listeners and yet. Directly rejected from this bit. You have to jump in. I stuck my toe in this bit and I was told. You have to just jump into the bit.

No, this is a personal bit. I would never. I would not dream of it. This is a bit created on this podcast, which means you are welcome to jump in. Yes. Yeah. It looks perplexing. That's because it's bad.

It's bad but open. Hold on. No. It's root tells of magic and oh, these, those stars. Well, hold up. I have to defend this bit. It's good and open. It's good.

It's good and it's open. It's good and it's open. All it is is. When I'm feeling it. Threatening ditto. And when someone says ditto, you say, did you just ditto? That's the whole bit. You call yourself daddy.

And it's a good bit and it's open to all. Feels like a trick. Everybody can do it. And I've noticed that we've opened it to you at this point and I'm waiting for a ditto. No. This is like the D word. I'm not saying it. Yeah.

That's a trap. I don't think I have wherever you're from. I don't think I'm from there and allowed to say it. You're not from Maryland. That's hard to believe. Yeah. See, I knew, I knew it was a fucking Maryland thing. I knew it.

Hard to believe. I didn't want to say it but I knew it. Anyway, we have. You know, if you don't want to say something but agree with what was said before, there's a simple way to communicate that. There's not a single word for that. Is it ditto? Is it ditto?

Did you just ditto me? I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. No, no, no. It's okay. It's okay. Yeah. You get a ditto card.

Ditto pass. It's a ditto. Oh, I can. Oh, that doesn't feel good. I don't like that. I don't like the implications that I've taken this bit. That's the best gift someone from Maryland can give you is a pass to say ditto. All right.

I'm bailing on the bit. I'm going back to the game. Yay. I got to explore the niches. Because we're like an hour and 40 minutes. He's really dry now. I bet that dude has tons of niches. Yeah.

We have dried out the lizard, which I guess is how you... Yeah, I don't know. The solution is to then loot his body for a gem and then get him. So you get Connors. Wait, we take the lizard? We take it? The lizard? Yes.

It's a desiccated corpse. Yes. You take the lizard. This is another theme since we're just speedrunning the game now. This is another theme of the game is that you should have picked up on it when you had to take the couch, take the desk, take the painting, take the clock. You just get everything, including other human beings. So every villain that you thwart or at least temperate some of them, you just confuse them

and then you get them, you take them and carry them with you. Maybe when we were pulling on that knob, we actually put the ringmaster in our backpack. Have we checked our inventory for a ringmaster? Let's see. Your inventory. I'm carrying a gem, a gem, a gem, a gem, a gem, a gem, a gem, a torn piece of paper, a formula, a desk, a couch, a torn painting, a mesh, a clock and duck Connors. If my pockets weren't big before, then they definitely are now.

What? Because if my pockets weren't big, I'd have filled all the stuff in my pocket presumably. Me think Tim not know how pocket work much. Me think thine own's judgment of me own pocket comfortability. Me skewed by thine own strange relationships with the most hollow of garment appendages. Here's what's happening. You know when like you're in a cave? Yeah.

Go on. I'm already in a cave. Of course. I'm already in a cave. We're currently found in caves. When you close your eyes and you like rub your eyes really hard, in the absence of content, Tim is just sort of spontaneously trying to create that void that the game fails to fill. Yeah.

Yeah. I want to make something interesting, but there's nothing. Yeah. I mean, so, you know, this is where you get Wilson the little volleyball that you talk to. That's a Plato's story of Spider-Man, I think is what they call that. I mean, you did. I would like to pose the question now. Did you ever leap purgatory?

Would it be that easy to leap purgatory? No, that's too sophisticated for this game. No. No, that was lost. You ever lost, you guys? I was doing lost. Oh. No, see, now you're in a room with Hydro Man.

And I'm just going to spoil this puzzle a little bit. Let's give him Kirk Connors. Get him wet again. We dried him out too much. Yeah. There is an aquarium in the room with Hydro Man and you have to get a gem from the aquarium. Give me one command. Get the gem.

Drink aquarium. Oh, that's good. Let's try drink. Oh, ditto. Ditto. That was good. Got to get a ditto on our drive time sound effect board. I've always admired the powers of Hydro Man.

You can't do that yet. And I don't believe these promises anymore because I have played through the game and I don't think there's ever, we never level up to the ability where we can sit or drink or dig. So I don't know what the yet is there for. But the solution, you'll kick yourselves because Sean already got it. So you go up to the penthouse and you lower the thermostat until Hydro Man is frozen. And then you get Hydro Man and then you get the aquarium.

So we had to go back to where the thermostat was. Yes. You would have had to go back up the elevator shaft in the thermostat, lowered it three times to 31 degrees because thermostats do that. And frozen and come back here to the frozen Hydro Man and put him in your inventory, which consists of desk, couch, painting, clock, duck, conners, porn, paintings, everything you've ever gotten. There are more villains in this game.

And who else? Let's just see. Well, there's Doc Ock and Electro down in the basement. Right. The solution to that was to, was actually one, it's kind of a Spider-Man thing. You grab Doc Ock's arm and then you shoot a web at Electro and he shoots you and shocks himself, but somehow not you. And then they both pass out and you get them.

You get their bodies. And I would like to now skip ahead. Wait, what's the printing press for? That's where I'm skipping ahead. Because you see, you have stumbled on the core question of the game. What is this printing press for? How do we work it? That's the core question of the game.

That is the core question of this Spider-Man game. In many ways, the printing press is the ultimate ditto. I'm getting on board with the bit. All right. I took a while. We've been killing it for a fucking hour with this ditto bit. I needed to say it once to like, to like get the mouth feel for it. And just now it's like.

I agree. Saying ditto is like a glass of wine. In what way, Tim? Well, it's sort of like how a sauvignon blanc sort of, you know, tastes good. Similarly, the ditto's mouth feel is a pleasurable sweet. And sometimes if it's done well, a little bit dry. It gets you fucked up. What?

You don't get fucked up on it? No, no, no. I drink wine for the taste, not for the strange aftermath of my brain. I know we're all thinking it. I'm going to say it. Tim, ditto. Me too. Whoa.

There it is. Okay. Let's get to the core puzzle of the game, which is finding and operating the printing press. That's why we're all here. So what you do is you find a scale and a computer and you try to run the printing press and it says it needs, I think, 947 pounds of weight. And you won't believe this. But that's all the villains.

If you pile up every object in the game that you've taken, every single object. Villains included? Villains included, unconscious villains included, and stack them on the printing press. It will allow you to print a newspaper, you return to the press and print a newspaper. That reads the only headline, quest probe fever sweeps the nation. This is a drinkable teen game? The message is drinkable teen? And you get a gem and you bring this final gem to the chief examiner who has never been

mentioned before, but teleports in and he says, congratulations. And that's the game. You did it. You beat it. Except no, you didn't. You didn't beat it. Do you know why? Why?

Do you know why you didn't beat it? No, why? Do you know why you'll never beat it? We forgot that baby. Because you went in that room with the gem and the egg. Yeah. And it blew up. And it blew up.

And that was your one chance. And so you've gone through the entire game and told all these puzzles and got to the very end, only to realize you could never beat it. You could never be beaten because you fucked up. Just like life. But if he says congratulations, that's the... That's the ending you would get if you didn't. That's the ending you would get if you, like a smart person, stood outside of that room

and then did everything else in the game first and only at the very end returned to that room and shot a web to pull the gem away from the egg. Only in that scenario would this game be beatable. Otherwise, this game is completely broken and you just wander around it forever not knowing that you would never be able to beat it. Is my mic picking up that my jaw's on the fucking floor? Taylor? No.

It's fucking not. It's not in there. Put it in there. Picked up the words where you would describe that, but before that, no, not so much. Whoa. I'm sorry. Are you okay? Oh, man.

Ditto. What? That calls for a ditto. That calls for a ditto. I think we get it now. Give it to him. Give it to me. You know I need it.

Tim? Boom. Ditto. I haven't gotten it from Taylor. I don't know if Daddy's going to do a ditto. Can I do a ditto, please? Daddy's going to do a ditto. Ditto.

Say daddy! I did a ditto. Sean, come with me on this. Ditto. Hi. I'm Sean. I'm Sean. I'm Sean.

I'm Sean. I'm Sean. I'm Sean. I'm Sean. I'm Sean. I'm Sean. I'm Sean. I'm Sean.

I'm Sean. I'm Sean. I'm Sean. I'm Sean. I'm Sean. I'm Sean. I'm Sean. I'm Sean.

I'm Sean. I'm Sean. I'm Sean. I'm Sean. I'm Sean. I'm Sean. I'm Sean. I'm Sean.

I'm Sean. I'm Sean. I'm Sean. I'm Sean. I'm Sean. I'm Sean. I'm Sean. I'm Sean.

I'm Sean. I'm Sean. I'm Sean. I'm Sean. I'm Sean. I'm Sean. I'm Sean. I'm Sean.

I'm Sean. I'm Sean. I'm Sean. This character is unavailable in countries with human decency laws. Breath Chase McPherson Chris Brown Curious glare

Dan B Dean Costello, the secret fighter. Just hit up, up. Dean. Down, down. Costello Donald Finney Dr. Awkward Eric Spaulding Fantashock Jell-O-Ho Hemmoan

From the Savage Realm, Harakka. Blades on his hands and feet and one other part. Hot fart Jaeber Al Aiden John Dean John McCammon John Minkoff From North Dakota, Josh S. Not everywhere is the Savage Realm. Ken Paisley

K&M Laziest man on Mars Matt Cortez Matt Riley Muck Styles Mojoo, the dance fighter. Feel the rhythm. Or just mash buttons, both work. Andy Neil Bailey

Neil Shaper Neil Funt Nick Ralston Nick H Olyt Patrick Herbst Rhiannon, who crouches in a corner and sweeps, don't hate. Rich Shaslin

Timi Lehi Kostiga Tom Sakula Dommagey Yossarian, or hold X to select Dark Yossarian. And Sarkovsky, the unlockable boss fighter. To play as Sarkovsky, you must defeat every other hot dog warrior using the hot dog trombone peripheral. Hot dog trombone, not included or for sale anyway.