The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - Dogg Zzone 9000 - Episode 67, Shows From The Wrong Decade With Jason Pargin!

Episode Date: March 30, 2022

Some TV shows are terrible, some are out of touch, and some are just made in the wrong decade. We brought all three, but this podcast was only supposed to be about the last thing. Seanbaby, Brockway, and special guest Jason Pargin discuss why Daybreak, Guardians of Justice, and Jack Reacher would kill if they came unstuck in time and happened somewhen else.

One nine hundred hot dog! One nine hundred hot dog! Our podcast slams with maximum hype! Say hot dog podcast word! Yeah! When you taste that nitrate power You're in the dog zone for an hour! Come on!

You know the number! One nine hundred! One nine hundred hot dog! One nine zero zero! One nine hundred hot dog! One nine hundred! One nine hundred hot dog! One nine zero zero zero!

Yeah! Nine thousand! You're in the dog zone! Nine thousand! The official zone of the last comedy website One nine hundred hot dog dot com I'm Sean baby from the internet and like I am every Wednesday I'm here with Robert Brockway

from the Forbidden Swaps of Tor! I'm Robert Brockway Here's a Brockway fact I once played chicken with a train and won No follow up questions but if you're cool you don't need any

Oh okay Yeah cause it would have been in the news somewhere We should be able to google train derailment around the Portland or wherever whatever era of Brockway's living Be cool though Be chill about it

Right right Super cool Googling train accidents in my area That was the voice of the best selling novelist and professional podcast guest author of Zoe punches the future in the dick

and the upcoming if this book exists you're in the wrong dimension Jason Parton! Is this the first episode I've done since I've had a different book to promote? Maybe Because I for the entire existence of the dog zone I only was promoting

Zoe punches the future in the dick Boy you have a new book coming out Wait a second Look at this For pre-order It's almost what Sean said It's called if this book exists you're in the wrong universe

Oh I said dimension It's almost what you said Literally the same thing But if you're googling the book it's important to have the exact words Which is all you need to do Go to any of your book seller It is the next book in the John Dies at the end series

If you've only seen the movie which is now on HBO Max you will not be any more or less confused if you read the previous books in the series or if you just jump in with this one they all are equally confusing and they all kind of start fresh So that's the next one

And then I will be promoting it for the next two years before I have a different book to promote So get used to it 104 dogs own 9000s That's how I measure time now The film made off your first book John Dies at the end

is my second favorite Paul Giamatti movie after of course duets I mean it's Jason's second favorite now too The problem is that you haven't seen duets yet if it's not your favorite Paul Giamatti movie Duets is so good We talked about this in the podcast before but basically it goes on a 7 day karaoke bender

and pulls a gun on every single character starting 20 minutes in the movie to the end Well now hold on Was this not the very first episode of the dog zone or is it just the first one that I was on? It was the first one you were on I'm not sure it was the very first episode As far as I'm concerned it's the first episode

It's when we really found our voice and it's duets starting Paul Giamatti Like was that not the first episode where somebody did a Dennis Miller impression or was that later? Because I don't feel like the show began until that That's our spiritual beginning for sure and I'm just going to delete all of the episodes before that

Please Just go in and take all the ones where we don't do Dennis Miller and just like delete them It would just be those first like three Yeah I guess you're right Speaking of which, there's a little bit of housekeeping I need to do before we get into the subject of the show Several episodes ago

and I know not every listener listens to every single episode maybe they pick and choose This show covered the Arnold Schwarzenegger weightlifting documentary Pumping Iron from the year 1977

1977 We got the podcast Pulitzer for that if I recall, is that right Robert? Yeah, the putty And in that if those of you did not listen to it the Pumping Iron the documentary introduced Arnold Schwarzenegger to America

and basically made him famous because he comes off as such a compelling figure and the most famous moment in that documentary which I had heard of even before I'd ever heard of the documentary itself is a sound bite in which Arnold Schwarzenegger, the bodybuilder builder in that era

claims that lifting weights gifts him the feeling of an orgasm We can pause while you look it up but the listeners are going to need to hear that sound bite otherwise they'll just be lost and I know that's kind of your specialty that you do on podcasts

is you do these things to keep new listeners from being lost so would you mind just giving us that quote at full quote real quick? Are you asking if Shawn has it on his sound board or are you asking me to read off the quote? No, I'm asking you specifically to find that

quote and read it Sure, let's see if I can find the quote Oh, here it is 1 The greatest feeling you can get in the gym or the most satisfying feeling you can get in the gym is the pump It feels fantastic It's as satisfying to me as coming as

having sex with a woman and coming So can you believe how much I'm in heaven? I am like getting the feeling of coming in the gym I'm getting the feeling of coming at home I'm getting the feeling of coming backstage When I pump up, when I pose out in front of 5,000 people I get the same feeling so I'm coming

day or night, it's terrific, right? So you know I'm in heaven Now, I did not do that in Arnold Schwarzenegger voice because I cannot do an Arnold Schwarzenegger voice But you did it in the spirit of Arnold Schwarzenegger The reason I bring this up is because ever since I listened to that episode and it brought this quote

to mind, as anyone who knows me knows I cannot do any daily activity here in my head, a version of this of where I'm at the grocery store and it's like I am getting the feeling of coming in the produce section I'm getting the feeling of coming

in the meat I'm getting the feeling of coming when I'm trying to find tomatoes It's terrific How much I'm in heaven Go ahead I was just saying you have to do the whole bit every time, which I appreciate

Do the people in your life appreciate it though? Strangely, no I don't feel like they do I don't appreciate it What my own mind is doing to me I did write down, like I pasted in the speech here but if I do it from memory

I'm only off by like two words because I do this all the time and then the 1900 Hydrog Employee Slack, which again I should not have access to It's a lot of people doing work stuff and trading back, updating graphics

and stuff and Sean saying, does this look good? I've worked on the shading here and then it's me coming in and saying when I'm doing Photoshop the best feeling you can get is what we call the pump when you feel the blood rushing into your mouse

hand and it feels fantastic it's as satisfying as coming and then everyone has to humor me for a few minutes before getting back to the work that pays their mortgage I mean this is why we gave you access though I think I don't love that

I'm quitting I'll know that joy is gone This is a problem because of all of the phrases or catchphrases you can have in like a social group because we all had this in high school you had something you all heard in a movie and you would just say to each other in the hallway the full Arnold Schwarzenegger

I am coming day or night speech is not ideal for someone who is going to be 50 years old not too many years from now this is not a place of my life where I can just launch into the can you believe how much I'm in heaven I'm coming day or night

because that's kind of the if taken out of context could in theory get you into trouble in this modern era well this whole thing came about because we were doing the Conan podcast with Lydia and Sean just started going into that quote

in the Arnold Schwarzenegger voice and she was just like what the fuck and he started to move on like no no no no stop why did you say that no no no don't freak out it's okay

it's a quote and then we had to be like wait a minute this comes from a documentary you've never heard of which means you don't really know who Arnold Schwarzenegger is allow us to teach you yes because Lydia for the full context only knew Arnold as

this kindly uncle grandfather figure the man who is famous in his 60s and doing like these kind of self-effacing action roles she did not know psychopath Arnold Schwarzenegger from mr. universe universe era

everybody younger than us basically only knows Arnold Schwarzenegger it's like cuddly muscle uncle and we're like yeah he was the republican governor but he learned his lesson you know he learned better and they don't know that he was maybe the first reality tv villain

and he was beautiful at it so good the best a legend what are we talking about today we are talking about inexplicable new streaming shows that were clearly made in the wrong

decade it doesn't mean they're bad mine is extremely bad oh mine's bad yeah well yours is bad Jason's isn't too bad just that the kind of shows that they really don't exist anymore and they kind of shouldn't outside of their time

period like they would have killed in the 80s the 90s even the early aughts but now there's somewhat unnecessary maybe just late to the game and because of that they are I think largely glossed over not completely ignored I know the one I brought

is directly cancelled oh the one I brought is um it must be cancelled by now I mean that hit with just such a it did just come out but that was very well put and thank you for describing it

um I mean sometimes Netflix won't wait before canceling these like cowboy bebop had been up for like 36 hours and Netflix was like yeah we're not doing anymore of that they didn't even wait to see if anybody was watching it they were just like

that's not one of the shows sometimes they're very quick to pull the plug if it's like oh this is offensive to the senses I feel like the goodwill on that like got used up immediately I remember the trailer came out for that and people were like I love this

like they really tried to recreate the cartoon and then the show came out and everyone's like wait no the things I liked about the cartoon are being betrayed I don't like anime I have no idea what it was but it it wasn't even a feeling of betrayal so much as it was a bad show

it's fine with me if you're as liberal as you won any adaptation but it was just it was a bad show I watched the entire thing and I was entertained but not for the reasons I should have been I think sometimes a Netflix show will come out and I have a feeling they're so compartmentalized that

maybe when it appears on Netflix is the first time some other people on Netflix have seen it and so like cowboy bebop comes out and they're like what the fuck is this what the fuck do you spend how much money on this no we're not doing this again

fuck this take it off do you want to take these in order of era like the era that they should have been made in I think that's a good idea sure that means we have to have a fight in advance about it

okay well there's no reason to start with Jason's my argument that Reacher was that Reacher on Amazon Prime was an 80s action show I think that's perfectly accurate and they've tried to make it a modern era so you go first

first of all before we even begin we are not going to do the immature joke to imply that there's anything sexual or like gay about the name Jack Reacher I'm going to do one can I do one right right off the bat and just get it out of the way

you get one and then we have to move on at one point they're trying they have him locked up and they're looking them up and she googles the name Jack Reacher and it's like nothing turns up there's nothing about this guy and really you put the words

Jack Reacher into the internet and you didn't get anything back it's almost the perfect name to have because you will get buried in other results that's it that was my it was tasteful I forgot that his name is silly

yeah his name is close up butthole pic there's nothing on this guy I looked him up he is a ghost online there's no results I've seen every butthole in human history I mean I went back into the 1500s

there's nothing okay so Reacher for those of you who don't have Amazon Prime because this is always the problem with doing any kind of an episode about streaming which is that there's no universal show now there's no Seinfeld like even Game of Thrones

you would run into people like well I don't have HBO because you don't get that the audience of Game of Thrones is literally 10% of Seinfeld Reacher is the biggest hit in Amazon Prime's history according to them you can never believe a streaming service when they say this

they don't release the public data this is their biggest hit so far people think that it is very much a show for the dads and I think that's probably accurate but for those of you who don't use Prime or don't watch video on Prime

the Jack Reacher movies with Tom Cruise there were two of them I think were based on a very popular book series and then this show is a streaming show based on the books there's an important difference

and this is something when Tom Cruise was cast as Jack Reacher a lot of fans complained because in the books Jack Reacher's entire personality is that he is a giant now just that he's a big burly guy he's huge he towers over people

he's this enormous muscular dude with giant hands and a giant head and he could just crush people like a grape and so when they cast Tom Cruise it's like well I don't I don't buy Tom Cruise as being a giant they didn't try to put him on stilts

or anything they didn't know I didn't see the movies but yeah did they acknowledge that at all or did everybody just treat him like he was huge the force perspective thing like in the war of the rings where they made why'd you would appear to be small they didn't they didn't try to do all the co-stars were eight years old and that helped it's always Tom Cruise

talking to actors and his children and wigs shot from behind but no they just recast the character as a normal size guy but this show on Amazon is more true to the character in the books and then he is a giant muscle man that I think he's

canonically six five or something like that but in the show he's like they intentionally make it so he's a foot taller than everybody and it is the format of the show and the premise of the show is something that there was a ton of in the eighties which is a big

muscular superhuman action guy who doesn't have like an official job like the A team didn't work for an agency like MacGyver worked for like this he didn't work for a government agency it was a fictional like private group

Knight Rider Knight Rider didn't work for like these eighties vigilantes there was nothing realistic or grounded whatsoever they just wandered around and it wasn't even always clear like what they did for money they just wandered around and helped people

like the A team they just went around and just people that were in trouble they would help them he's a town tamer because they're basically westerns it's the plots that made sense as westerns because like in this series Jack Reacher wanders upon this small town

looking into the disappearance of his brother and I would like to say this is exactly and I mean exactly the plot of every single episode of the Incredible Hulk we're like a big angry loner wanders into a small town that is not what it seems it's run by some sort of huge

corporation with a secret and somebody he loves turns up dead that's every episode of the Incredible Hulk series only he's just always the Incredible Hulk or it's under the thumb of some evil like if it was a western it'd be some evil landowner or a corrupt sheriff

and in Jack Reacher it's the same deal there's some local rich guy all the cops are on his payroll and it made sense in the old west because there was no like federal government authority out in the territories to help you you were just like the town was on its own and so only the wandering stranger

could help and then but this is Jack Reacher takes place in modern day so it's a little bit weird it's kind of weird for the same reason that Roadhouse was weird and that again it was a western that made no sense it's like if in reality there was one corrupt guy

that just ran this town there's all sorts of federal agencies you could report into you could go to the media you could expose them on social media there's all sorts of ways you could try to approach it or if you could find them you could hire the AT&T

but in the universe of these shows it's just taken that only this problem can only be solved by the Incredible Hulk or this talking car or this giant muscular dude and if only we had a rogue giant just a shiftless giant

with no anchor and who will have to kill 40 or 50 people obviously those action TV shows they would avoid the murder usually but in the modern streaming service he's straight up going to murder dozens of people to solve this problem

I remember this guy from Smallville, Alan Richardson I remember watching it because back then superheroes on TV was like a really special occasion and I'd since given up on Smallville but then they started introducing a whole Justice League

and so I turned it on to see like the whole Justice League and they had a cyborg and an Aquaman and that's who Alan Richardson was he was Aquaman and he was Aquaman and he was even back then just a really distracting amount of beef

and there was a line where Cyborg was like oh my god put on a shirt because he was just like aggressively and then he goes as Aquaman he gets all cute and he says you're lucky I wore pants and that is the only enduring memory I have

of the TV show Smallville is Aquaman like being real sassy about how like his dick's not hanging out so anyway that's how he got to start as an actor I like that man as a giant you are really confined

to roles about giants like you just even you can't not acknowledge it if you put him in a show the plot point has to be like holy shit what is this guy like he doesn't look like he blew up a normal guy like really huge guys they don't look like

normal guys got really big they got unique big boy face like he's very handsome but he looks like a model from a race of giants not like a handsome guy who was also big like if you shrink you shrink shack down to like a human size

he would just look like a tiny ogre like it's kind of the same thing yeah his shoulders his chest like everything now this is exactly my point because the one thing that is enjoyable to me about Reacher which again I think is a case where

it would have been everybody's favorite show in 1987 yeah but where there was this period in the 80s in the Stallone era the Schwarzenegger era where it was kind of decided and I don't know the psychology behind it

if it was a cold war thing or what but it was like the heroes are huge and strong and the evil people are small and scrainy and kind of greasy and then we're going to watch the huge guy just beat

the crap out of the small evil guys they got a cheat and make some weasel moves they fight dirty or dishonest and there's this weird like the strong

are automatically good and the small and weak are automatically devious or something and I don't know if it was this thing where it's like well America is clearly now the bully on the world stage so we have to readjust our

our thinking where it's now fine to watch Stallone's Cobra just beat the crap out of these much smaller people who have no chance and we're rooting for the giant man to bully them and to we're kind of rooting for the bully

right because I only watched this first episode in return in preparation for the podcast and he did fight a bunch of people and so far every single person he fought was like tops 5'9 and maybe 50 pounds and it specifically

has my favorite trope in all of fiction which is the giant man where continually it actually happens I think twice if not three times in this episode well three times in the first episode over the course of the series of Reacher

it happens 30 or 40 times where Reacher who again is visibly a giant you would know he was a giant from six blocks away yeah even if he's you wouldn't assume he's just farther away than you thought like I was saying he just

there's a structure to the man that is like oh that's an ogre and some normal sized scumbag will get up in his face and be like you know what are you going to do about it and having to and they're saying this like into his chest like they're having

to peer up at him like a child asking you for his allowance and you're saying what are you going to do about it because and this is where in the movies it actually makes sense casting Tom Cruz because in that exact there's a scene

in this first season they must have based it off the same book because there's a scene in this first season that's identical to one of the Reacher movies that's actually in the trailer where he's like in a parking lot and a bunch of dudes come up to him and they're like they're not going to let him get to his car

and then in the movie Tom Cruz says they're like you know hey buddy you know it's menacing him in a generic way that a gang of scrawny youths would and then he's like I'll tell you what's going to happen

four of you are going to have broken arms and the fifth guy is like well why not all five he's like because one of you needs to drive you to the hospital it's great coming from Tom Cruz because in real life Tom Cruz is only like four foot ten so there it makes sense because he looks like somebody you would

bully he looks like a rich pretty dude who we're going to take his wallet he's probably got an expensive watch I'm going to take his Tesla he looks like a Tesla driver and then when he beats the crap out of you it's like oh this guy is trained he's trained ex-military whatever

and then that makes sense it makes so much more sense than the original casting in the book from the book that you now see where a few episodes from now this gigantic terrifying monster of a man is going to be menaced by these 19 year old street

hoods they're like hey where are you going the fancy giant you know what what are you going to do about it and then when he tells them he's going to break all their arms and they don't just walk away it becomes unintentionally hilarious so like here the first time

we see it I think is about 30 minutes into the episode where he goes into jail no you see it right off I noticed it right off because he's like wanders into a parking lot and this guy that is again probably 5 foot 6 and like not built at all

he's skinny in just a skinny guy way and he's like yelling at his girlfriend or something and Richie looks at him he's like what the fuck you're probably like no dude you would not like this guy does not have to know anything about fighting we've proven this by like professional wrestling

his move can be like lift you up and throw you away like garbage he does think better of it he does think better of it but like he sees the guy and is immediately like I'll kill this guy only when he gives him a tough guy look he's like whoa maybe

maybe the ogre is strong I liked it because he went from like I'm going to fuck you up to like alright I shouldn't do this to like I'm going to turn my whole life around like I was like this is kind of a funny way to present like the main character of a show but they build it off of his tough guy stay

and they never stick to that because that one I'm like okay this guy is so tough that he will like scare people into not being jerks and then they never do it again for the rest of the show every single person has full confidence they could fuck him up if it gets physical even the

the nerd cop like the investigator is like oh fuck you up Jack Richard yeah and he's just like he's not like a super cop he's just a balding kind of pudgy just a big guy alright I'm going to fight a giant

there is the one guy in the prison gets talked out of the cavity search he's like alright I'm going to search up your butt and Jack Richard's like no you're not and instead of saying I'm going to kill you he's like these doctrines

claim you kind of he gives him like this long fucking like academic speech on how he can't legally search his butt and then he says the only thing in my ass right now is you and uh he sort of ended it with a physical threat now that I think about it yeah he does kind of imply that he's going to kill

him with his ass somehow like if you go in my ass he won't be coming back out which like I guess in the moment is a terrifying thing to hear but then you got to just be haunted by that later like that guy goes home after work and he's like wait a minute what the fuck

oh man was he going to kill me with his ass I kind of I need to know now my all time favorite example of this that I think I've brought it before but this is I think there's even a cracked article the all time like platonic

ideal of this scene is from the opening scenes of Terminator speaking of Robert Schwarzenegger where the Terminator the first film you know he comes back into into the past and the the time machine sends you back

nude for some reason even though he's a robot so it's like if you can send back robot parts why can't you send back clothes just send the coat the clothes covered in flesh cover them in like a thin layer of flesh and you can just pull them out but either way it's he shows up like on the streets of LA in the middle

of the night and he's wanders off to go find weapons clothing everything he needs and these two teenage street punks I don't know how old Bill Paxton was at the time I'm calling he looked very young these two scrawny teenagers see from their point of view it's the middle of the night

literally scientifically the most muscular man in the world Arnold Schwarzenegger was declared by the people in charge of judging us to be the most muscular man on earth completely naked walking the streets with this

completely just dead look on his face it is literally the scariest thing you could possibly possibly see there's nothing I would rather see like a clown in the middle of the night and be like oh yeah I would rather see like that robot that he becomes with the skin off

for sure coming toward me than this because you would immediately think oh this guy's so high out of his mind he likes dripped off his clothes because he was getting overheated like whatever he's gonna wear me his clothing and he doesn't know where he is but these in the

movie as you those of you have seen the movie of course no they go up and start like bullying him like ha ha ha you know what are you doing walking around naked in the street it's like my god I don't know how many of my friends I would have to have with me as backup before I would confront

that man honestly even if I had like 50 trained fighters with me if this giant nude man picked me out of the crowd and decided to come after me and like ask me to death there's nothing they could do to stop it before he did

it like it would take a lot of them to bring him down to murder you with his ass somehow yes yeah you would you would walk the other direction even if it meant not going home that night to just make sure you avoided the part of town where you saw this guy

oh no this is muscle town so I just know going into that fist fight you could not avoid touching the strange man's penis is this I think the problem like even if you have 50 friends and you win the fight you know all of it or the

the nice thing sure sure sure yeah him being naked makes it so much worse that doesn't make it more likely I would bully him it's like I would tell the story later to people yeah we saw this guy it's a huge muscle guy walking around naked who knows what his deal was

but you would not with your friends be like oh let's go mess with this guy what's the worst that can happen it's like I literally can't imagine 1 what's the worst that can happen this guy's like high on bat salts and just wandering the streets nude and he's the

strongest man who's ever lived I can't bad them there are fairy tales specifically warning you about this scenario that we have been telling for hundreds of years his eyes are like glowing red like I he's on something that makes his eyes

so red you know like that's this town in Jack Reacher is just filled with people like that that's the entire population of the town that's why I love it it's the only reason I watch the entire just watching one guy after another it's like you know what's this

silly fancy boy from outside of town doing here with his gigantic muscles towering over me and bring it sitting muscles in here after that first episode he's got like cuts on his face and stuff where he's clearly just been in another fight so it's not like

he's some sort of you know delicate flower who only likes to lift weights for the beach he's also somebody who fights a lot and apparently wins it's usually covered in other people's blood yeah he's also like a dick

like it's kind of weird for a main character to show to be such a pedantic dick like he's like technically midnight is this morning not last night like he's just an asshole to everyone he talks to right because you can get away with it you never you never have to learn not to do that

if you're six foot five and eight hundred pounds sure I guess I guess that's a good point I just thought they should make him likable since he's the the main character of a tv show no see again you're thinking in twenty twenty two terms you're right yeah

thinking in the eighties in 1980s terms when they wanted you to like detective cobrete they showed you like first he would bully some minorities because they took his parking spot even though you can't reserve spots along the street

like that's not his spot that's public parking and he bullied some latino guys for parking in his favorite spot instead of just finding another one and that's that's what was to like endear you to him and there was a scene I don't know if you've watched the movie

but he goes to eat a slice of pizza and he actually cuts it apart with a pair of scissors of like garden shears for some reason like an asshole plays by his own rules this guy no no pizza rules for cobrete but the idea that

this guy was always kind of a dick you know it's anything like Schwarzenegger and Commanda like his way of investigating his disappearance of his daughter or whatever they the whole deal was like these guys are so huge they

they can do whatever they want that's the whole thing with them not working for anybody it's like they know the millionaire logic like I'm not a millionaire but you can't tax my precious millionaires because what if I am someday like I'm not a huge monster of a man but you can't

but if I was I should be able to do whatever I want but I also think you're right think if that character existed today there'd be a lot of there's so much now with these characters have to be haunted we've got another Batman and Robert

Patrick and he's very from the trailer and the ad materials it looks like he's very brooding and haunted by his past or whatever and that was not the end I think it's parent state well I've not seen the movie don't spoil it I don't know what happens to his parents

you know I don't think they get into it um somebody's but this is probably a very old joke but somebody pointed out that now based on the age of Robert Patrick that his parents would have been murdered in the theater in around 2001 so they could have been leaving

Shrek we've gone down in the alley it was a very different era for TV I'm Shrek man but anyway I knew I had to become the Shrek the 80s was the era of the giant musketeer who was not haunted they were either very glib

or just very you know because this is when people look back and say well how did we ever enjoy Steven Seagal and it's like well he was coming from the tail end of that 80s era of the big bad dick or glib or whatever but these were not

brooding haunted self they didn't have self doubt right and that's Richard Richard is not like that's his whole deal he is not he loves being huge he loves taunting the people he's about to beat up he's never really in danger you don't you're never

he's never outmatched in any fight the whole joy of watching him get into a fight to see him just give these smaller guys what they deserve I mean I think that is his catchphrase he keeps shouting like after a fight I love being huge but he says he's 6'5

which I guess I mean it's pretty big but that's not like Andre the giant big I'm 6'3 so he looks at me like what the fuck are you I look at you like that I'm 6'1 there's something about him where he is

just a distracting amount of beef there's something about him I'm telling you right now like a 5 foot 9 140 pound man like he looks at you coming in and he does not think I'm gonna go fight that guy you're right it doesn't ever happen I do not live

Jack Richard life I've never had to explain to a small man no no you don't you don't want a fist fight so he's only two inches taller than you and you're like I don't know I guess I saw that big well I he's like can't fit on beds and I mean I I've had some discomfort

in plane seats and stuff like that but I just feel like they could have bumped him up a little higher right that's a really like that's a point guard if you're 6'5 you're like the shortest guy on an NBA I can tell you very tall group if anyone Googles Reacher

Amazon and you look at screen grabs they are intentionally putting him in scenes either with actors who are shorter or they're they're putting him in risers to make him he looks enormous it's true he is absolutely tall they intentionally stage the scenes to make him tower over people but

it just film everything from down low like like you're a child looking up at him but he's also as John said he's also smarter than everyone on the show he's like an expert detective and he's a Mary Sue he just knows everything he's just a dudes Mary Sue

in like a bad writer way like he makes these wild super detective Frankenstein here yeah he's he's part Frankenstein part Sherlock Holmes and he's never wrong even even when the guesses are just like you're looking for three shooters

because one guy shot him so you need that guy and there's no brass that means he's a pro and then someone stopped the body to death so you're looking for a psychopath that's not the first guy because that first guy remember he was like super pro right each guy can be one board on his body and so like you're looking for a third

guy who loves putting cardboard on bodies that psychopath wouldn't do that and the pro guy he'd have like a nice body blanket and so like and it's dumb that's dumb as shit but like of course it comes true because he's you know infallible and also even black people like

him all the black people like him because he's the one white guy that knows more about the blues than they do and they love 80s that was the 80s shit for sure that was when I really came around to this idea of like okay we haven't said that shit since the 80s for a very good reason

I really liked I want to say something sincere about the show I really liked the fights like I think they used his size and strength really well but also like he fights like he doesn't do traditional martial arts or even MMA like someone really thought about how how to kill a

man without like breaking your hand so it's like all head butts and elbows and just like smashing people into things and like one of these fights it's like that man looks like he wants that other person dead which is something you don't see a lot like even in John Wick you're like oh he's doing jujitsu

or you know crowd McGahn this scene but like Jack Rich is just like oh kill a man with elbow strike and you're like okay this is this is pretty scary to me yeah I agree and that actually stood out to me because this is where both people who notice good and bad

fight choreography someday we'll do a podcast episode about bad fight choreography we've seen and why we hated it no it's very brutal and again I know that that's the star of the show and the show The Rating on Amazon Prime it's like

4.8 stars like everyone loves the show it's not for me it's I do agree it's kind of for the dads although now that I think about it that's you that would be you I'm 47 years old and I keep thinking to myself

as the younger generation that these shows are not for but how much longer you're right this show is for our dads this show would have been so important in my household when I was like 12 years old yeah this is this is 4.80s dads like they're

not it's not for the dads anyway this is for the grandpas see I I keep oh no somebody's had a realization it's like a young novelist like trying to find my way just trying to find my voice

and meanwhile I'm getting stuff in the mail it's like you're running out of time to think about retirement do you have you know if you retired today would you have enough to survive until you died it's like probably not yeah I get

grandmas in your area need free sex how do they know I'm aging into this bracket I think that's more like a search results thing yeah no that's just my thing that's when people are like this is disgusting

how dare you put this ad on this webpage and people are like oh those are targeted ads about your search results I'm 10 years away from being like oh I'm listening I don't know how many more notes I have on this show I just I love that he walks around in this weird

Frankenstein strut and every extra like stares at him they're like who the fuck is this gigantic guy it's just pure awe at the ogre in town I like that the the love interest was I want to say like 5 foot even and then 100 pounds

they got the smallest woman they could find immediately looks at him like yeah that instead of like that will ruin me in every direction it's like yeah I'll summit that mountain sure no problem I'm not intimidated by this at all I don't want to spoil the

show for anyone who is afraid of spoiling plot plot points in Reacher you may want to I don't know put your hands over your ears for a couple minutes I don't know what to do I don't tell you to do yeah he's interested to female police officer in Brockway I'm a little surprised if you only

have seen the first episode because they actually are not love interests in the first episode I'm not sure how you knew how did you see that coming the world's hottest beat cop female police officer

happens to be the one he runs into but later what's going to happen and again if you're not wanting to be spoiled in this show and if you two guys don't want me to spoil I can just not say it but they're going to get into a circumstance where they need to stay at a hotel but there's only one room left

and it only has one bed and she didn't really pack pajamas she has to sleep in like a cropped tight t-shirt with no bra and panties and this lease is some sexual tension because and Reacher

around that time his clothes get ruined in the course of a fight I think due to blood and then in order to get new clothes he has to go into a goodwill donation bin and pull out some clothes to put on does he change in front of her? yeah he gets completely naked in front of her

I think you missed the point where he went into a donation bin and found fitting clothes fitting clothes for the giant pants to fit in perfectly like a centaur costume I'm pretty sure they're familiar with giant they have a race of giants living among

like in reality they even have to order clothing especially from a farm supplies store I mean it diffuses the sexual tension when you have to use a trash bag as a condom alright let's make love but first I need to go find a trash bag

and I'm just warning you, you will die from this this is how you exit the show that is the darkest visual you have ever introduced it's just at the autopsy of them

these experts standing over this woman it's like I don't think this was a murder I think this was a consensual encounter with the giant she flew too close to the sun do we have any suspects? would have been

a really interesting plot little if they had shown Richard changing if he had had just a tiny little don not proportional to a smaller man but even smaller than that

it would explain the crankiness this is why a tiny don name is Jack Reacher and that's why he learned to fight it's a medical condition they call it gorilla penis he would get a laugh

every time he took his pants off every sexual encounter begins with a woman getting hold of herself oh thank god I wrote a will I was ready we can work with this we'll still get this done

good news and bad news too too many women we are aware in reality women can accommodate many different sizes this is pure comedy believe me

I had no idea I thought they could just deal with very very small penises and nothing they would die one final point the last note I had because I know we have other shows we have to get on to and I've consumed again nearly an hour

on my part the show Peace Maker on HBO Max the spin off the Suicide Squad that again I would assume everyone has seen but in reality lots of people don't have HBO Max

or HBO or know the Suicide Squad was a movie that they rebooted and then made this show with John Cena I liked it a lot I don't know if you guys did it is fascinating because I watched them back to back and Peace Maker is a parody

of this genre of show from the 80s because Peace Maker is the comedy version of this character where he's giant and muscular and thinks he can solve all of his problems this way does not have a job, does not work for an agency but that show mocks all of those tropes because the whole

he lives in a trailer park because he has no no job and nobody likes the roving giant that kills everybody and doesn't understand why it's wrong and no one wants his help and no one wants him to do it and he can't get them and like his dad used to do it but his dad's

racist because it's like yeah that's who would do that in real life that's who would appoint themselves as the town vigilante is the most racist man in town who does not believe in due process or the system because it's all run by Jewish bankers

or whatever his thing is so it was fascinating to watch the deconstruction of the trope and then somebody attempting to do it sincerely I watched them both like in the same week yeah it's pretty fantastic how how sincere a version of peace maker

this is Brockway have you seen peace maker? Yeah I'd like to peace maker a lot I get that it's it's the same kind of deal I like that their love interest is the exact same woman basically like you could not tell me those are different women they're just tiny sassy

blonde ladies that are immediately not afraid of the giant which I I guess they're ask kickers and yeah here's a piece of trivia that listeners may not find interesting at all if so that is

why we do not do this show live and instead edit it that is the second most important reason why we do not do this show live and in fact edit it it is so that we don't the things we accidentally say that would trigger a worldwide boycott

of both this show and the entire platform do not make it into the show in the show peacemaker the wanky cop who later gets turned into gets spoiler gets I think

gets turned into an alien or whatever that character's name is Larry Fitzgibbon Larry Fitzgibbon is named after a real guy named also Larry Fitzgibbon who worked at demand media and was the guy who

bought Cracked this is because the real life Larry Fitzgibbon a tech CEO and guy who I think just company founder and whatever he was a childhood best friends with James Gunn

obviously the Suicide Squad reboot guy and the Guardians of the Galaxy guy but he and Larry grew up together in St. Louis and so in everything James Gunn makes there's a character called Fitzgibbon or something similar to that and that is all

named after Larry Fitzgibbon so in the early early Cracked days in 2007-2008 before James Gunn was directing giant budget blockbuster movies we had a conference called with him where we talked about doing maybe doing videos for Cracked

because he had a viral series of internet comedy videos called I remember that porn without nudity or porn minus the nudity and we wanted to bring him to Cracked or bring some version of Cracked and then the show that we talked about in that conference called later became After Hours

that's the end of the story that's our six degrees of separation James Gunn invented After Hours I once met Gallagher at a corner store I don't know I did though buying a sledgehammer buying a bunch of watermelons

he was buying a tub of rice for this bit he used to do where he did a lot of racist jokes I don't know if you know this about Gallagher instead of breaking the watermelons sometimes he would break other things and when he broke the tub of rice he would scream Chinese people

and that's real and that happened that's the end of the joke sometimes you realize that comedians aren't really comedians they're just trying to express some sort of broken idea in their head and Gallagher was never trying to tell a joke he's trying to explain how he feels

about various ethnicities to the world with his watermelons and rice just a racist throwing a temper tantrum and we somehow thought it was funny it was fucking hilarious for the youth who did not grow up in the 80s and don't google explain Gallagher

don't google Gallagher just let's just move on it's a very sad ending he became like a very sad bitter after people stopped laughing at his bit he became like one of those right-wing angry comedians and was there's like viral videos of him

just getting mad at the audience on stage and the world passed him by and it was very, it was very depressing he had a real enduring bit he would do like a laughy taffy joke or sort of a wordplay joke like why do you drive on the parkway from the driveway and then you smash your watermelon

which is really the only way to end a joke like that because that is a good punchline yeah, it's not like a funny punchline it's more like, okay, sure huh don't get me started because when I see 80s nostalgia stuff

again, I will say it every time you have no idea how bad the 80s were there was nothing cool about it just take the stranger thing stuff and shove it up your ass if you weren't there, you have no idea how bad the 80s were fuck those kids

it was unfunny those pieces of shit it was unfunny, racist it was, yeah, it was terrible well that's a very cynical view on my favorite decade of pop culture, Jason and I 100% agree with it

the 80s are enjoyable when viewed at this distance yeah it's a fun aesthetic 35 years ahead of it, fine you can look back and enjoy RoboCop RoboCop at the time was like oh yeah, this is going to be the world in 18 months

yeah we didn't watch Red Dawn as this amusing bit of culture we were watching like, okay, this is what we're going to have to do when the Russians invade next month that's very true about to take some notes

oh, we did yeah, the world is the way it is today because we grew up watching those movies anyway, let's move on yeah, let's fight about who goes next if we're doing it by era yeah, I know

every one of our podcasts make you mad in some way I would say the only strong emotion I can still feel is anger we'll get there I'm putting Guardians of Justice on video, I'm putting that in about 1998

okay, good, we're in the same space then, yes, I would say Guardians of Justice was the sister series that never happened to knock off superhero shit that happened in mid to late 90s speaking of James Gunn, like the specials yeah, this is like Black Scorpion

or Mantis okay, yeah or Nightman, this is a very much a Nightman show I was thinking it was more like people who grew up with comic books and were just trying to make movies like Mystery Men and the specials

in that era of movies where people were trying to create new superhero IPs but not in a super creative way, I guess that's the same era, believe it or not Nightman was, I think, 97 this all happened way later than you think

so, yeah so are we doing Guardians of Justice? we're doing Guardians of Justice there's a lot of listeners who are trying to think because there's so many shows and properties that have titles similar to Guardians of Justice, it's so generic

they don't know what this is good they're like, well now which is which is this? is this the thing with the owls? which, which, what is this? I'm telling you, this is something this is the one with the owls I had never heard of this

in my life and I struggled to get through the first episode the first 12 minute episode was so hard to get I had to look up like who made this because I was afraid that I don't know how to put this politely

I was afraid that making fun of this would be punching down in a way I don't know how to make a wish foundation some kid wanted to make his own show yeah something similar where it's like a bunch of fans

it's like a fun thing where some fans and some children got together and some teenagers and they made this and Netflix put it on as like a favor it's like see, it's inspiring like a video game high school type thing we weren't going to but then there was that bus crash so now it feels crass to say no

the story with this because it like combines animation a bunch of different styles of animation with live action really stilted, I think it's intentional I don't know if it's intentional it's very hard to get an idea on what they were going for

but The Guardians of Justice parentheses will save you, I think it's the full title it's a Netflix show, it just came out recently last month or two and it's kind of every idea that a pedestrian nerd brain would have like smashed into one thing so it's a superhero show but it's just like

the Justice League and I can't think of anything more tired in all of pop culture than recreating the Justice League I can and it's doing this exact same Superman story again yeah, again there's nothing in this that's new it's just kind of more of it

so as Jason mentioned there's just a lot of stuff so it'll be like some superheroes doing some superhero stuff and then it'll cut to like 8-bit animation and then it'll cut to like a newscaster and there'll just be like weird titles and it'll cut to some other

form of animation, it'll flashback and it'll be a whole new form of animation and some of it's done in a way where you're like okay I think I get what they're going for this is supposed to be like their 60s era Batman and so they wanted it to look like 60s era animation they usually are really wrong

like the way they speak in this nerd language doesn't work it's hard to describe this because it takes longer to describe than it did to make I can do it in one scene there's a scene

where there's Superman analog when I said they're doing this Superman story again if you didn't immediately if your mind just auto-completed that most peoples did you know what if Superman was really haunted and we lost Superman

or Superman turned evil or whatever and then the world would have to deal with it in a way that was like well done he put it to bed like don't try to top it I want to do that story too to just stop it

but there's this called Marvelous Man and he wears the cheesiest muscle suit like Hans and Franz era muscle suit which is crazy it sets you off immediately because is this the joke? are we doing a joke? and he's played by a wrestler

right? oh that's the Batman guy what are you talking about? no Marvelous Man is just some guy and he talks about how haunted he is trying to save everybody but he can't save everybody

and so he puts a kryptonite bullet in a gun and shoots himself in the head and then the word fatality pops up on screen that's everything you need to know about the vibe of this show but not like Mortal Kombat it's obviously Mortal Kombat reference but it's just a silent non Mortal Kombat font

that pops up and makes the audience say it doesn't say the word fatality and it's not like timed like a joke it slowly fades in and then lingers for a while and leaves it's like someone wrote that in the script like fatality and then whoever

produced that or animated it didn't know what the reference was and then you ended up with just random word fatality on the screen which again is not a great way to end a suicide scene but that's the tone of the show is like

hey wouldn't it be funny if a guy killed himself and we made a Mortal Kombat reference but then ruined the Mortal Kombat reference and wait a second, maybe it's not funny when people kill themselves maybe it was never supposed to be funny yeah and it's so wildly incompetent

like everything it tries to do it's incredible the creators named Adi Shankar and he's kind of a producer he did stuff like he did dread and the gray and like some stuff that is pretty big and you're like wait a second is this guy like competent but I looked into him and he's kind of

like the guy you'd call to like get foreign funding so you know we talked about the Bruce Willis movies and all the people that are just making that shit where they they fund the movie by selling it overseas and then just make the movie for less than what they already sold it for

he's like that kind of guy and I found an interview with him and he's sort of explaining the process of that and he's fucking in like the crow makeup for the interview like he's totally like the rock star executive producer but just a full on dork

like he's not pulling it off it's not like oh yeah that crow makeup really suits you with that leather jacket pal it's just like what the fuck are you doing you nerd he also does a bunch of unauthorized movies of stuff that just immediately gets cease and desisted like he did Power Rangers and Judge Dread and Punisher in 007

and he has like a like a whole bootleg universe that he does and that's what he calls it so he's like Pornhub but without the ethics and he's just shameless he's just like yeah I'll just fucking make a Power Rangers thing and they cease and desist but like fuck it I don't care so

that's who this guy is and then they just sort of gave him full creative control for this show and he just made a pile of fucking garbage and it pisses me off so much because God how do I explain this like it seems like high effort

like hey let's have a bunch of like little 8-bit shit pop up and text and graphics and it feels high effort but it's in fact much easier it's much more of a shortcut than making a real show like for example getting a character informed and motivated and from

one location to another it's like a lot of work for the writer and the production but this show it's just like here's the guy and it'll go like boss fight and then it'll just cut to him fighting the boss and then when they kill him it'll be like fatality and that's actually kind of easy to

film and kind of easy to write and I kind of hate it because these are things I do like in other contexts like I love in Desperado when Antonio Banderas calls his buddies and they all just sort of walk to the same spot and then the bad guys drive up and they have a gunfight

I'm like that's kind of funny and awesome but like they earned by having the rest of the movie I think it's because this one is kind of self aware of it in a way that Desperado was certainly self aware of it but then they were like no but it's awesome and you realize that so we're going to do it anyway

and this one's like kind of trying to shrug it off as though it's sort of irony but doesn't also want to fully commit to irony it just seems very insecure it seems like you're not allowed to criticize me because I'm not really trying but you're supposed to

like it because I am really trying and it's just this and nothing comes off has some of the thing that made it difficult for me to finish it wasn't even all of that although that was much of it it's the

the comedy beats they tried to insert so like they've got a bit where they've got an Aquaman character and then they make the joke about well what are you going to do talk to some fish which is like the first joke

I can honestly say I killed that joke 30 years ago like it's done just sorry I ruined it but we're fucking done with that joke and like that's as far as they you know where is like you know the show The Boys the incredible show The Boys has their Aquaman character and they do a

deep deep dive into all of the weird insecurities that comes with being the somewhat useless member of the team and then his weird sexual relationship with fish and then his insecurities and all that you know it's like 800 more

levels above this and the reason that bugs me is because even if this show is made on a very limited budget and it looks like it really was it looks real cheap the writing is the one part that in theory is free

like if you have someone who cares a lot about it like if you know a lot about comics about the tropes and you want to deconstruct them and you take that upon yourself to make the show that really this is my skewed version of comics you need to be thinking about it at a level

higher than well what's Aquaman going to do talk to some fish and then that's like that's the only joke like it just stops right there and like the other characters chuckle and then that's your big punch line that just moves it moves on that's where it goes but you don't in 1997

takes place in 1997 this is as much as you need to know because you were not you were not a super nerd getting this show you just you were like some little low budget studio getting the fantastic for and you had to like look up

fantastic for really quick on fucking Ulta Vista or something and then and then just do a quick job of like yeah yeah whatever fucking I'm Mr. Fantastic and then he's my holding on that this is our movie and it's what's it's just that

sensibility again of like slapdash very surface level incompetence what's great about it is like we all sense how like surface level this is but this dude thinks he is making high art like he thinks all of it's super deep and even if it's a knockoff videos he thinks he's like

you know I'm taking a character and I'm exploring in a new direction and obviously not like he this is such a a sincerely retold sarcastic joke about cliches of bad art like it's just so many layers

of not self aware well thinking it's self aware I guess he's like he's like a blood poison drunk who genuinely thinks he's okay to drive like he's fucking fucking stop see I read a

3000 4000 word article on polygon healing every dimension of this show in particular as a work no of genius and there were many articles like that there are genuinely people I want to say so I don't know the particular writer

but they are employed at a site that I sometimes respect and read that think this is subversive and brilliant in every direction and will write 3000 words about how wonderful this is including fawning interviews with the man himself

I can also explain almost everything about him with this fact I learned the very first person to talk to him and to sort of mentor him about how to tell stories and navigate Hollywood was Todd McFarland nice that is

that is perfect all makes sense I found an article it was on a website called winter is coming dot net and the title was the guardians of justice on Netflix is a masterpiece of awesomeness and I thought that

was so funny I have a quote from that he said the writer said when you set your story in a world on the brink of chaos the doomer Jen Zier and me can't help but nod my head and go truth the show takes lots of these sorts of jabs at modern culture and hot dog all of them

don't make me laugh loved it the comments on the article did not agree one guy said this Richard guy should never rate anything ever again in his life especially if he thinks this garbage is good and then someone responded to that named

df stuff and he said I think the people saying the show is terrible aren't picking up that it's mostly satire oh god yeah that's what I'm saying that ironing defense yes yes there's this free pass that people will give it

if it's like no see they know it sucks and anyway I love it the same writer also an article you'll love this entitled peacemaker is a humorless confused mess of a superhero show so that's just to calibrate that dude's taste okay I really liked

peacemaker but how do you not get how are you not get peacemaker how are you confused what's confusing and unfunny it's what was the name of that website winter is coming net okay I didn't click around

I don't think it was like see now I'm worried that we're clipped I'm worried that we're punching down here maybe this website was like the last wish of a dying child that could be that could be if that turns out to be the case we'll cut all this

but I do get that feeling in winter because when I go out in winter like I get this feeling in my body this sensation it just feels fantastic when the winter is coming because like it's I get the feeling of coming in winter I get the feeling of coming

when there's snow on the ground and now I feel bad that I set you up for the joke and kept talking without even seeing it coming you're like what's the name of the website I'm like oh he must have just not heard me I'm I'm fucking blew it

I'm a bad improv partner I hated I hated it did you watch the whole season we did you just watch the first episode like me or be seen oh I barely got through the first episode and then I looked back and I was like

that was 20 minutes it felt the only good thing I will say about it and I will say one good thing is that Nighthawk their black man their Batman their Batman analog no their Batman analog Nighthawk

which I love because he acts exactly like he instructs his yoga videos same cadence the same speech so he's like ordering around the rest of the Justice League like Blackbow you got to save Canada and speed you need to fight up tornado now everybody feel that good

stretch all the way down your back and hulk it up here's the thing there are scenes with that character where I had to look up who it is because obviously is a big muscle guy but I look up who it is because he was speaking very like deadpan and robotically

like he instructs his yoga videos but if you didn't know any better you would say oh well it's because he's a wrestler he can't act and no I'm sorry that's not how it works wrestlers of all the things they are deadpan is not one of them like wrestlers

can act that they are actors they are performers that's it's not like you cast you know an NFL linebacker and it's like oh he didn't know how to act but pro wrestlers I don't I don't know what he what his character was he was the healer whatever in wrestling either of you guys big wrestling

guys I remember watching him he was usually a good guy fair enough to know Diamond Ellis page for sure he was a big guy I assume he did not have like a dead personality right like wrestlers are not known for their subtlety or whatever they're not they don't just they're not like stiffs

they're big over the top personalities right he was yeah he was closer to like a real dude than most I guess he wasn't a total maniac but also all he's done he's more deadpan here than he ever was for the last like 25 years or all he's done is

instruct endless yoga classes where he gives instructions to people in this voice so he's just he's just doing that if he he hasn't done wrestling shit in forever he's done I want to say millions of hours of this I don't think he can escape

it I think this is how he talks now I think okay in every interaction he is a yoga instructor that's a death sentence for an actor one million hours of yoga you can't get out of it I watched a second episode of it and he did like a lawnmower man thing where he like put his

brain his face into cyberspace and and I guess they had to hold his head really still for the for the camera work for the special effect and so it's even more deadpan but he's like I'm in cyberspace but it's it's hard to describe how like fucking terrible it was

and I knew the show was bad and it wasn't just me because I made fun of it for 40 straight minutes and my wife didn't care she normally fucking hates it when I do that and she was just completely allowing it and I'm like oh wow this must be genuinely bad and not not my

personal opinion because she likes a lot of bad stuff I mean I love her but like we do not have the same taste and stuff so normally if she's watching something and I'm talking I could sort of feel her getting more and more annoyed and then she'll let out a sigh and then finally she'll pause it and I'm like okay fuck I'll go

well now I'm officially in trouble that's fun it's just so fucking pissed at Guardians of Justice because I sort of I feel like I should have loved it I feel that way about daybreak that's exactly the point though because there is a an era when this would have come out

when I think all of the flaws would have been ignored and everything would have been like oh my gosh it's so inventive and they've like mixing the animation styles and the way they mock the old low budget

superhero stuff and the bad dialogue is just you know oh it's really deconstructing but it's like a deconstruction that's coming 25 years too late and I guess like Scott Pilgrim sort of did a bunch

of like random 8-bit flare and that was fine I felt like they earned it they had an extremely consistent look that it establishes and a rhythm that it establishes it wasn't just a bunch of

the parts in between were good is the thing is the difference I just feel like I speak this language and the Guardians of Justice wasn't it like it was just fucking nerd gibberish and so it's like trying to speak this language that I actually

really enjoy just like saying nothing in it actually I had I was writing a zombie movie with my old writing partner and this was like 20 25 years ago and I remember I had a lot of these instincts I'm like hey why don't we do just

a bunch of like random shit like why don't when these two guys are fighting why don't we have them on the screen and he just was like dude that fucking sucks and I was like really fighting for it like no I think it could work and I would like and like the second I sat down to like mechanically write it out

and you know storyboard it picture it I was like you're right this fucking sucks but like what my instinct was let's just do a whole bunch of stuff like that and I guess God bless him he knew instantly that that was a bad instinct and knew that 25 years ago

when that's true when this should be a couple of steps but yeah I honestly think that he should have gotten there at some point in the creative process like maybe doing 8-bit animation here pointlessly isn't doesn't help anything

well it sounds like he produced it and I guess directed and wrote it it sounds like I think so there wasn't really anybody to tell him no which is he did need a voice of reason which is anyway we can move on to the next thing I just

okay well the next so much the next thing now that now that both you and Jason are very angry don't do your fucking show Brockway let's talk about my blood I brought Daybreak you'll never believe

this kind of deconstructing the zombie genre like kind of having like a fun take on the zombie genre and this was made I think last year so very recent way way way beyond the expiration date of

zombie shit in general but also specifically like we're gonna play with the zombie stuff and the central conceit of this show is that the apocalypse happen and it's kind of a wacky apocalypse zombies and

zombies are everywhere and it's just really fun like the main guy is just having a really great time and they really thought that was kind of relevant in I guess 2020 I want to say 2021 maybe

that just a white guy who has it all is having a great time when everybody else is dying and being murdered and the way I took it the way I took it is like hi audience I'm your surrogate looking right at you

into camera and saying I was ordinary in the regular world just like you but now I'm super awesome in the apocalypse just like you would be the viewer that's how I took it I think it's almost word for word the first 10 minutes it's very much a reference to

well Ferris Bieler first of all but it feels more like a reference to Zach Morris the way he's like just kind of an unpleasant dick that has everything right and even he says like I was just a regular guy nobody paid attention to me I just had like the hottest girl

in school who loved me and like I skateboarded everywhere and everybody thought it was the coolest but you know just a normal dude just a normal dude it literally has Matthew Broderick in a role as the school's principal I think it is straight up Ferris Bieler yeah they even did the Ben Stein roll call bit

I feel like it's more Zach Morris in execution I don't know that they were going for that specifically but to me when I think back whatever one it is well that's what I think it's Zach Morris is like Saved by the Bell was influential to me of course but looking back on it I feel like Saved by the Bell

Zach Morris was just like somebody that didn't get why we liked Ferris Bieler trying to do the same thing like we'll just do that same thing where he talks to the camera only he's not cool and aloof and like maybe has problems he's just a piece of shit like just a raging

piece of shit that has everything and you're supposed to still like him yeah I guess that was Ferris Bieler that was Zach Morris doing Ferris Bieler yeah sure this show I found more painful to finish

than the Guardians of the what was it called Jesus Christ I have to go look it up Guardians of the El Forest I've never hated anything like Guardians of Justice and this was like obviously very annoying but yeah

no this is something that I think is specific to me which is a grown up middle aged man trying to write teenagers and not setting it in 80s 90s so it is

and I looked it up there's a co-writers on the first episode ages 48 year older than me and 43 and they're writing teenager high school teenager dialogue and I have a specific I don't know it's like a nerve that gets triggered by

anything in the Joss Whedon style of writing that everyone loved in whatever era this show would have thrived in which I think is early 2000s yeah which prime Joss Whedon era like Buffy was

certainly late 90s came about but I think when everybody else was like jumping on that dick was like 2002-2003 it's got pilgrim but without the charm kind of era and it amazes me that we tried this again

with those same guys making like there's a reference in here where they cut to like a band playing and they're playing Smash and Pumpkins like the kids that this ostensibly is for don't have any fucking idea what that is but you're like yeah that's what the cool kids still listen to

yeah these are characters born in 2005 2006 born they were not consciously aware of the world until 2010 2011 and we're not like getting into their own pop culture until like you know

2015-2016-2017 you know it like they whatever their taste would be it would not be stuff from whenever before they were born but that all of the references all of these sensibilities are very much those of a 48

year old writer and there is something that comes through when a middle-aged writer because writers of TV shows and all things usually were not like the prom king I realize that doesn't represent

everyone but you can tell when they try to rewrite their high school years they do it in a way that is hard to watch because you can see them like filling in the insecurities and either the person they wish they had been

back then or the way they imagine like what they would be if they were in high school now or something or like I don't know there's something about it that is I get like second hand embarrassment from watching it very much so yeah this is here's something that really bothered me

about this was that you mentioned that the writers are middle-aged and I think that comes through the most when whenever there's a scene with more than one person the dialogue will eventually get to the point where one person is policing the wokeness of another character and then

they're like pushing back and so like I want to call you a bitch but we don't use that word describe women anymore but you know genders construct anyway fart sound it's just like this grandpa observation to think that kids spend 80% of their time like policing each other's

language because to a 48 year old that's what you think that's what it seems like kids talk like you're right like that's your interaction with children it's like wow we didn't we were actually much cooler than you when I was winds up being done in such a way that says nothing about it like yes

you say nothing about it but it's also it somehow becomes offensive that you're just like hey the fucking gender is a construct huh and then pause yeah okay isn't that funny wasn't that funny that people say stuff like that anyway we're all teens

I feel like anyway we're all teens is like how the star wipe of this show between scenes it should just anyway we're all teens and then the next show yeah now here I got this thing where especially when I was younger I had like this

hard rule in my personal life and my writing to never use cliches I hated them I hated people to describe things in like a prepackaged collection of words or shorthand jokes so things like cheap insults and most slang and all the cute phrases that are kind of descriptive but mostly

they're subtle cultural signifiers like you say like you might say cringe and you're not there's a better way to describe that but you're sort of saying here I'm the type of person who says that word I always became very hyper aware of them and so I hated

them I'm not like it so much anymore but anyway but if like a character says something like totes of dorbs I get just fucking pissed off there's a better way you could have said that or awesome sauce which they also say in this you can go fuck yourself so so it's like that could have been something unique or funny and

now it's sloppy code for an idea that will age into gibberish and that's this show this show is like already aged into gibberish and it just came out and so this thing I had against cliches that I'm always constantly bothered by shit that it wouldn't occur to

other people to be bothered by and so I guess in many ways I was like a cranky old man at age 19 but it helped me develop a unique voice I guess and that's something this fucking show wouldn't even consider a virtue if you told the show runner hey wow you made

Ferris Bueller's Day Apocalypse and nothing else they'd be like wow that's the highest compliment I could have expected and I guess that's what pisses me off the most about the show is it's so desperate to think of itself as special and to try to make the viewer think hey you're like one of the special ones

when the only thing they can come up with for being unique or special is just not quite fitting into a group it's like that YA novel of like oh I'm not a jerk or a nerd what could I be I'm maybe the most unique person that's ever been because like I have a third hobby

and I guess that's it's just so much of that anyway I guess let me let me give you a little grounding for what this show is about pedestrian persons idea of what being unique must be before we destroy it

on every level this show alright this show is about the bombs dropped in LA and I think it's supposed to have killed all of the adults or turned them into zombies which of course here's a clever little spin on how

they're zombies they say like really banal adult shit like how they want to go shop at the mall I want the vanilla latte if you think about it aren't consumers already zombies oh fuck I had a whole bit like going into

someone call George Romero in 1973 and give him this idea but it left all the teens alive and the teens they turned all of their cliques in high school into territories and societies that live in them so here's what the I guess

48 year old man thinks the teens are all about there's the 4H club the stem punks the jocks there's the cheer masons and the disciples of Kardashian god that hurts to say that's what he thinks the teens are all about

today that's the most grandpa shit like just hand that to your niece for a fucking quick polish and let her say fucking uncle this this is the Kardashian one has to go the disciples of Kardashian listing off more cliques to

identify like how everybody's you know special in their own way in the high school scene these aren't communities yet but in the high school there are creepypasta eaters competitive fidget spinners of course there's the Meowsters we got the eSportos

that's what you call them one student he self identifies his gender as a seahorse what I'm like just saying it's so much worse that character called herself a human sorting cat in that she could

put people into the categories and that's what you not like you viewer not like me the main character because I couldn't get sorted and that was like the whole thing like I don't know where to put you

oh my god what a unique you're challenging josh we learn I do like a challenge this is like an average height nothing white guy without a lot of charm whose personality is a skateboard and she's like oh god

instantly in love nobody's like you yeah your thoughts are unique especially in 2003 when you should have written this show there's the fucking ill-defined hobbies and skateboard is one of those clicks that's a fucking high school click

yeah right the people who think their thoughts are unique there you go you're in this group another thing I liked was how all of the cool guys in this show are weebs they are all into katanas

and katanas are so cool and they all want to talk about it the skateboard guy is all into them and knows all about katanas and where they come from but also like the jock is super into katanas and makes references to jim kata again he's supposed to be

16 in 2020 and all of his people everybody around him knows jim kata everybody is like dude don't talk about jim kata anymore everybody just knows this specifically as well as the whole katana thing so that's clearly a jim kata reference

yeah he specifically says he starts listing off like the actors and shit in jim kata and somebody else is like oh we get it jim kata and like you know how the teens are always talking about jim kata

I just had a loss to talk about this fucking aging weeb shit Mary Sue thing and then of course after the apocalypse that jock turns into I'm just gonna say Bruce Leroy from The Last Dragon was an offensive move back then

to have him kind of doing like an asian accent and be into like samurai shit and talking about how he follows the bushido code while also he basically reasons out something and he refers to it as Sherlock

and popping oh shit you're right god this is bringing back so many painful memories of the show I just watched last night I worry that you blanked out on how obnoxious this is and then every time one of these things happen you're not even allowed to sit there and hate it

because the main character turns to the screen with his fucking dream work smirk face and it's like a freeze frame let me explain what just happened here I just yeah that meta stuff is it's really obnoxious there was

one moment I was like okay I want to put in my notes that I sort of like that where he goes back to the same flashback again like earlier than it was last time and then he just looks at the camera and shrugs like I don't fucking know and I was like wait wait wait I think I liked that I think I liked it

that the guy in the show who keeps looking at me is like I don't really know what happened here either buddy so I can give my point for that slipped one good idea in here it doesn't help that I believe the episode was 183 minutes long

yes it felt like it went on for yeah it felt like it went on forever 257 minutes somewhere around that if I had to estimate I'm not going to go look it up it was I think it's still playing somewhere on my device it feels

I know it has a lot of ground to cover because it's got to establish it's got to establish a premise that could have been conveyed in one montage as in like Zombieland here's the thing the much better version of this that already exists

that existed like 12 years ago wasn't that early like 2010 something like that here's the thing that I think Felix should be explained we on here talk very often about movies that are objectively bad that we enjoyed

watching even though they're terrible in every possible way to be clear a bad action movie or a bad drama can be enjoyable a bad comedy is rough

for reasons that I don't know that I could necessarily put my finger on because I can't like enjoy this in the way that I would enjoy like an incompetently made action with it I can't get there

but when you miss like serious you hit funny and if you miss funny you hit cute and if you're too obnoxious for cute you hit like contemptuous and like that's where this is every once in a while Sean will propose because you do this

I want to make fun of a bad comedy and I have to be like do I feel like torturing myself this week do I feel like torturing myself for hours it's the hardest goddamn thing to do it's just hard to watch it makes me feel unpleasant

but then to try to make jokes about it is literally the highest difficulty in comedy we can do it, we have done it and it's turned out fine but it's just it's so tough it's so much effort

to turn into entertainment the boomer fucking missed jokes in this there are actual beavis gags in this in the first episode there's at least two you can go like like two different characters do that which is that's just a beavis joke

and I just don't feel like a 16 year old would know who that was I'm not sure if it's worse when he uses references like again the jocks are road warriors in this new future and they have set up American

Idol Ninja where you have to sing and if he doesn't like it you get fed to the zombies they're performing to the smashing pumpkins in every single teen knows all the words is nodding along it's totally moved by it until he like sings poorly so like all teenagers love this never occurs to him

that anybody moved on from 1996 or whenever he was a teenager kids love Billy Corrigan oh hey let's stop the podcast for one second and everyone google Billy Corrigan little train Billy Corrigan little train I love

that I got you into loud keyboards so that everybody can hear us actually googling am I looking for a photo oh yeah there it is tight I don't know how

to explain this other than it's Billy Corrigan on a little train frowning completely it looks like he's maybe crying on his birthday maybe he's having a bad birthday he looks so sad like he knows someone's taking a picture of him

and how it's going to look the first me that I saw it says despite all my fame I'm still just a man on a train another one just says today is the greatest day I've ever known I'm glad we did that I'm sorry to interrupt

all teens love that guy what I was saying I'm not sure if it's worse when he assumes all of the teens are in love with everything that a 48 year old man is in love with or when he tries to talk to them on their level

because they're following him around at one point a couple of his side characters and he's a loner he doesn't want to be followed around he says both of you unsubscribe that's how the teens talk I'm not sure if that's worse

than the smashing pumpkins thing but I am sure he gets it wrong in both directions of trying to appeal to the teens and not trying to appeal to the teens I promise you anytime this guy goes near a mall he's under arrest somebody just calls the cops on him

even if he's not doing anything just there was a moment when Matthew Broderick came and he's like I play as Sobra in Overwatch and I thought it was almost good because you'd think he would have come in

and said I main Sobra in Overwatch which is technically how you would say that but not how someone would actually talk but I feel like that would have been the bridge too far where you're like okay buddy stop trying to talk like a kid whereas I almost felt like

that's how Matthew Broderick would tell someone he played Overwatch just getting it a little bit wrong cause in the show he's a middle aged man he was Ferris Bueller in 1985 or whatever year that movie came out so him trying as a principal

trying to relate to kids that's a character that this writer can write and he's doing it just a little bit wrong he's trying to making a sincere effort but trying to put words into the mouths of modern kids is it was real bad

Ferris imagine if he tried to build an entire world out of specifically the culture of children today yes what a disaster that would be what a terrible disaster that would be another character trait I really liked about the main guy was that

he had a box of post-it notes that he called his mom cause he never saw his mom and so their relationship was based around little post-it notes she left him and I thought that was just the saddest fucking thing that's the first thing he showed his girlfriend when she came over was like oh this box of post-it notes is my mom

it was just like pick up some milk call your grandma and I felt like it was another one of those really heavy handed where hi audience you're a latchkey kid too just like me don't quite fit in anywhere aren't we so unique

it felt so god I don't even fucking know and that's why we skateboard right and that's why we skateboard that's why we're the best that's why no one will ever understand us except for the smashing pumpkins Billy Corgan

in his tiny train he gets us oh so at the end there's like this super road warrior guy that like had little kids in cages that would patrol around the mall and he like takes off his helmet and it cuts to the main guy and he's like oh I guess everything

blah blah you can't be ready for anything but there's only two characters that weren't accounted for and it was his mom and Matthew Broderick so do you know which one it was I think it was Matthew Broderick okay I didn't watch past the first episode I did not watch much past it

I let it play because it auto plays after a little bit and I was like alright I'll see who that is and what they did at the start of the next episode is he freeze frame look to the camera and explain don't you hate it when they do that hacky reveal of like I'm gonna reveal who the mystery character is

and then they cut away just to get you to watch the star of the next episode we're not gonna do that are we gonna do that we're gonna do that and then they did that and I was like alright fuck you I don't need to know so I'm gonna assume it was Matthew Broderick or maybe his girlfriend

yeah I figured that could have been it's one of those three people for sure one of those three probably either Matthew Broderick the girlfriend because his mom like literally I literally let's explain this I could not be more literal I am getting paid

to give a shit about this and I don't you cannot pay me to give a shit about this yeah I've never been less curious about something in my entire life anyway if anybody decides to go and look it up don't tell me okay

so you did say the show was immediately canceled right like they realized yeah the vibes were off and that didn't it just didn't it's like it's one of those things where like they made this in their own little department and then they showed it to the rest of Netflix by debuting it on Netflix

and somebody else was just like what the fuck are you doing what is this this is the worst thing I've ever no of course it's canceled I thought this aside from the dialogue and I mean most of the kids can't act like it did sort of feel competent like

had a budget right and I feel like the structure wasn't too bad like I was like it's like beat for beat I'm like okay this is it's moving it felt way too long but I think that was just because I hated every moment of dialogue there was a scene where it all fell apart for me where

the bad guys showed up and they're like we're gonna kill you and this is a world where people kill each other but then they started throwing like corn syrup on everyone they had like water balloons filled with corn syrup and they like got them all like sticky and I was like what the fuck this doesn't even in this universe

they spelled out in earlier that he has a fridge full of blood apparently 800 gallons of blood and that summons the zombies okay I have no fucking idea what was going on because then the zombies did show up and one of them bit somebody but then that was it then they just left because there's

there's zombies they're not even right never knows what the tone is like are we wacky and having fun or do people die sometimes like they blew up a guy with a rocket launcher but also they just like it was like Looney Tunes rocket launcher he was just gone he was disintegrated there was no blood mist or anything

but then the the zombie jumped on that guy and ripped his throat out and saw that so you're like wait a minute and then they like did a they tagged him like the text appeared on the screen and like wrist and piece Terry or whatever like haha isn't that cute right little god damn I hate him so much

yeah it's real rough they did the fight club bit where he's walking through the house and they added like price tags to everything yeah this is it's just every sensibility of somebody that probably shouldn't have even written this in 2005 but it took them this many years to get to a place

in their career where they could finally write their dream project and it turned out it was this yeah like I could see this being a dream like a high schooler the most special high school in the world fighting zombies like I could see that being my dream movie when I was a child

and even then like I there were problems with it structurally and from the premise stage but if I was the right kind of high and a movie executive in the right age and you said like what if like Ferris Bueller fight zombies I would have been like alright

I mean that's something I'm listening like let's let's talk about how we can like deconstruct it or do something meaningful with it and they never got to that stage in the conversation they were just like what if Ferris Bueller but zombies the end that's all I'm interested in the end

well you've probably seen escape from LA and they sort of did a bit where all of the archetypes of like LA people got turned into gangs so there's like a plastic surgery gang and a fucking you know what I'm talking about yeah I really liked that I thought that was

fun but John Carpenter can always hit that like I don't give a fuck sweet spot and this show did not this show seemed to genuinely want to be cool and interesting and much like appealing to the teens it failed

on every front part of it is I guess sitting here thinking about it as we go through and in sight our 300 least favorite things in this episode I guess that's the issue of comedy is because you know as people who have written comedy the jokes

have to come at a certain interval like you don't have too many serious lines in a row there's got to be a comedy beat if you're punching up a script like the first thing you're going to say is like okay there's got to be a punchline here so if they're if that tone is off it comes

so fast and so hard like the moments that make you flinch it's so dense with that stuff is the thing that's yeah right because like some bad movies are just boring or whatever

but here like if you if you find these jokes are their style of talking if you find it grating you're going to get that sensation every 15 seconds yeah it is an absolute assault on

what I hold dear on everything that I hold dear still though people listeners check it out see if you disagree like and comment subscribe if you think we're wrong you know we respect we respect all engagement is good

engagement guardians owls of the ghoul it was the other one and it's great the Jack I would love to meet your hour was I could talk to somebody about Jack Reacher if you tried to talk to me about guardians of justice for one more second I will

fuck you up Jack Reacher style though Someone can uh part has coming oh I look

And My dick here, a Grubowski is a kid who isn't a fair-haired kid on the block because everybody wants to be that kid. That's a smith. And a Grubowski has to, is a bad guy a little bit, but not a bad guy. Grubowski has to work a little bit harder. It's the American Dream. They are the most supreme Grubowskis I know.

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The Ski Park, Toasty God Grubowski, Tom Sakula Grubowski, Tommy G Grubowski and the G stands for Good, Yossarian Grubowski and Timmy Lehi Smith. You know what that means Grubowskis, this man is a natural born enemy of Grubowskis everywhere. I declare a Grubowski holy war, every true and faithful Grubowski must pick up axe and flame and take to the streets to, no get off me, no corner of this earth can be rendered safe for a smith or I will not think this through, I have justice on my side. You can't silence the Grubowskis, we are Legion, we are Grubowski, we will have our revenge.