The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - Dogg Zzone 9000 - Episode 68, The Double Trouble Barbarian Game With Michael Swaim!

Episode Date: April 6, 2022

We don't watch the classic 1992 Barbarian Brothers action movie, Double Trouble -- we play it! Brockway turned every Barbarian Brothers movie into an interactive quiz/improv game, so Seanbaby and special guest Michael Swaim take on the roles of the Barbarian Brothers to flex, lift, and no third thing their way out of Trouble! Whaaaa??? Make that Double!

One nine hundred hot dog. One nine hundred hot dog. Our podcast slams with maximum hype. Say hot dog podcast word. Yeah. When you taste that nitrate power, you're in the dog zone for an hour. Come on.

You know the number. One nine hundred. One nine hundred hot dog. One nine zero zero. One nine hundred hot dog. One nine hundred. One nine hundred hot dog. One nine zero zero zero.

Yeah. Nine thousand. Welcome to the Dog Zone Nine Thousand, the official podcast of One Nine Hundred Hot Dog, the final form of American comedy websites. I'm Robert Brockway, and I'm wearing half a child sweatshirt. And with me is my partner in comedy

and child sweatshirts, Sean Baby. Hi. I'm wearing a matching bird nest hat and seventeen pairs of boots. And our guest wearing only pineapple zubas. It's Michael Swam. A sweaty child himself.

Hey, gentlemen. Michael Swam here. A real pleasure to have you back. Yeah, thanks. Thanks so much. I'm shaking your hand moistly. Real pleasure to have you whenever you're willing to be had.

I'm rubbing my hands dry on very unusual barbarian pants. That's some kind of that's a mating dance for them, right? They're like bees. They communicate through dance. Exactly right. You know that language I've heard.

If you are wondering what the fuck we're talking about, we are doing a Barbarian Brothers episode. But before we get into that, I was just talking about barbarian shit. We're doing a Barbarian Brothers episode. Yeah, it came up totally organically. I don't understand why you have to fit it into that little box.

Barbarian shit can just come up. See, I thought I have like six days of research. of brothers. Oh, I see. Yeah, like the very specific niche of barbarianism that is relegated to brothers. First of all, look niches.

Look niches. I'm wildly unprepared for this. So get ready for gaffes like that. That's exactly how I want you. That's how I need you. I need you wildly unprepared at all times. I am an ambush podcaster, and it's how I do my best. I feel so.

Gotcha. Before we start, do you want to plug anything so we can go out on some comedy genius like Walrus noises or a slide whistle? No slide whistle today. Yes, points. Yeah, sure. All my shits on patreon.com slash small beans.

Check it out. This is news that I'm trying to communicate wherever I can for the sake of getting that sweet, sweet crossover audience. Our show One Upsmanship, the video games pod, if you're mostly in it for that one, that's switching over to the iHeart radio platform and relaunching. So search for One Upsmanship and subscribe to the new version.

PSA. I will do that. You heard it here. Maybe first, maybe second or third. Maybe first, depending on how this gets released, could be first, yeah. I mean, I've told my loved ones. You're just cool if you're really cool and you only stay here.

That's right. Get all your news from what? One 900 hot dog. Get all your news from here. The world is a terrifying and confusing place. Don't act on it. Just have a simulacrum of the world through the lens of hot dog, you know, what it might be like.

That's what I'm talking about. All right. Well, all right. Today, I'm sorry, we're getting right into it because I have 5,000 words of notes. It's my favorite holiday. It's Barbarian Day. All right.

We're going to go right into it. We're going to be talking about the film career of the Barbarian Brothers. Swim, I assume you know everything there is to know about the Barbarian Brothers. It's just, it's two brothers. It's just called two brothers. I know nothing about this.

Did you listen to the other shows we did? I mean, I've even somehow missed that. Well, I listened to the one that was a, is this a D&D game where we're Barbarian Brothers and we summon sets of twins. Very similar. Hot dog franchises. That game was based on this game.

Yeah. That game was an adaptation of this game in podcast 4. So that was Barbarians and Brothers, right? Which is legally a separate entity. It's a legally distinct entity from the Barbarian, from the Barbarian game, which is its own thing. No. So I've somehow missed every previous iteration

of this bit and or segment. So I'm totally blind. That's perfect. Yeah. That's exactly what we want. Last time Sean brought in a Barbarian brother ringer, Will Salari. He did fantastic.

He like knew them. But yeah, he knew them personally. And I felt like that was cheating. Yeah. Elizabethan sense. He did pretty well. He fucked these Barbarian brothers. This is what I'm saying.

Yeah. They made love, the three of them. And those guys work as a team in every aspect, just like you and I are going to do, Mike. Oh, great. Oh, good. I like that. That is in my notes.

Be ready for that to happen in Double Trouble. And that's the movie we're talking about today. We are playing Double Trouble, the 1992 action comedy and the movie Every Action Star of the 90s made, which is a buddy cop movie where they play their own twin. Only this one stars. Can anybody guess which one the stars? I'm going to guess the Barbarian brothers.

Oh. That's a Barbarian point. Fuck yeah. Yeah. We're not together right now. We're opposed right now. No, no. You're twins.

You're together in all respects. You still are vying for Barbarian points. And I'm going to need you to keep track of them because I don't want to. Like a sibling rivalry. I'm not vying for a Barbarian point right now, but if I am a police officer, what I'd like to do is take my police officer uniform and cut two thirds of it off.

So it's just barely covering my nipples and very, very short pants. Also, I want to replace the standard issue shoes with some combat boots and my police hat. I want to tilt it to the side three times smaller and two bird nests. You do not get a Barbarian point. You are not a police officer. That is just wildly inappropriate. I'm wearing only a giant square tin shield with little windows that show my nipples.

I think you get a Barbarian point. Yeah, he should have one. All right. One, one. Okay. All right. To take new listeners in, the Barbarian brothers were a pair of enormous twins and professional wrestlers

who briefly had the strangest movie career in wrestling, which is a high bar. Barbarian brothers and Barbarians is a role-playing game where Michael Swain and Sean Baby are the Barbarian brothers. I'm going to take them through the major events of a Barbarian brothers movie. Double trouble. And they're going to tell me what they want to do in that scenario. And I'm going to give them a Barbarian point if it matches up,

if it's very Barbarian in spirit, or if I just like them. This is almost Barbarians to Barbarians, like an apples to apples situation, right? Sussing out each other's wants and dreams. Yes. You should, you should sync up as Barbarians by the end of this. Okay.

It's like viewpoints. Yeah. You ever do viewpoints in theater class? No. Is it? You'd all stand in a circle. It's very cult-like. You'd all stand in a circle,

and at a certain point, everyone was supposed to simultaneously run towards the center, asking for- And fight? Conked heads. No. Just like- Oh, then that's not like this at all. Feed off each other's energy, man.

And try and do it over and over and over and over. Concentration camp-like. Until you're in sync completely. And you all do it at the same time. So it's just like four hours of that and everyone's crying, trying to sync it up. It's like an hour. Yeah. It's an hour.

Okay. That sounds- It's a cult thing. Yeah. Yeah, it's like this. You do it over and over and over and you just pretend with your friends. It's great. Like this.

That is how I would start a cult. That's day one of the cult. This is our 11th start to this podcast. This is our 11th reset. I think we got it this time. You need to convince us we're psychically linked by the end. Let's take it from the top. Welcome.

Oh, okay. 12th time. Dug my own grave. We've reset so many times. Whatever we're doing, it's involving barbarians. It's involving brothers. Are you ready to play double trouble? I charged to the center of the circle.

Oh, Mike, where were you? We'll get there. I like the charge. You get a barbarian move. Yeah, that's very barbarian like. It's true. Charging is a barbarian move in all scenarios and it's better that you didn't think it through. I pillaged.

Well, you didn't say it. No, I said steel shit. That's yeah. All right, I'll get more in the spirit. All right, let me set the mood and then you will pick up your characters. Way ahead of you. I kissed my twin brother. Oh, that's in here.

Yep. All right. This is one 900 hot dog presents a perfectly accurate retelling of double trouble. A limo pulls up to a posh hotel. A cranky businessman greets his driver. You're late. Sorry, I'm Bob. I got a Seth Green vibe, but with...

Hold on, this can't be right, but with less charm. Let me take your briefcase. He's pulled up short. It's chained to the businessman's arm. We drive the best way the 90s knew how with a soundtrack of steel drums and overhead shots of the city. A funeral procession blocks the way, bringing the limo to a stop. Go around. We can't, Bob the driver turns around and smiles.

It's your funeral. He shoots the cranky businessman dead. An elite team hustles out of the funeral procession to crack the briefcase open. Roddy McDowell, best known for playing Cornelius and playing in the Apes, and then... This, I guess? Oh, poor Roddy. Withdraws a shining silver car from the briefcase. He smiles.

Barbarian scene change. Maybe there's like a barbarian wipe, like a barbarian just crashes through. A jewelry mall, broken glass, high-end security systems, beep and laser. A spelt, nimble, 280-pound cat burglar dances effortlessly between them. His huge sausage fingers crack the safe with delicate ease. He withdraws a shining silver card. He smiles. He takes off what looks to be a virtual...

That parallels us as twins. It does. He takes off what looks to be a virtual reality helmet to reveal. Peter Jade, a hulking he-man of sophistication and taste. Gentlemen burglar, like James Bond decompressing in the void of space. Sean, baby, this is your meat vessel for the night and it's time to pilot it. Oh, no, so I get the fancy well-to-do barbarian brother? That means Swam is going to be like a crazy folksy maniac.

Am I a low class barbarian? Working man barbarian? Steel man barbarian? You both take a barbarian point for guessing the impossible. How could you have known? That's what your two characters were. All right, all right. I'm going to have to change gears if I'm the fancy barbarian, but I'm here.

You are the fancy, nimble, safe-cracking, gentlemen-thief barbarian brother. I eat an entire cigar. Exactly. Before you vanish into the night, you leave your calling card. It's a clever allusion to your cat burglar alias. What is your calling card and alias? My fist through the marble floor. And what's your alias?

What's your cat burglar persona? Oh, let's see. Night beef. Take a barbarian point. Those are both very good. No, the answer is you spray paint a crudely drawn cat and your alias is the cat burglar. Okay, okay. God bless you.

You're doing your best. Right on the nose. You call the police to taunt them, which seems very zodiac for a cat burglar. It seems really taking the next step before getting that first one down when you're like, I'm the cat burglar. No, they call and taunt the police. I'll give you a four minute head start. I mean, you heard all the alarms and you'll see this later when they open the store.

But, aha, I stole the card. I'm the cat. Well, I put it on the wall, but I'm the cat burglar. And if you can't guess it, I'll write it underneath. The police send their most hard ass cop who plays by his own rules, driving his beat down muscle car. He does things his own way. He's been worn down by years on the force. Please be my brother.

Seen it all. His best years behind him. This job and the crippling alcoholism it brings whittled him down to a scraggly 280 pounds. He's Dave Jade, the toughest cop you know. Unless you know a lot of cops who can bench press a horse. Hey, man, it's you. ACAM, all cops are barbarians. In this movie, yes, the best cops are.

So I'm not the car, but I'm the next best thing. A human car made of meat. Great. I pilot this guy. Yeah, your first task. Describe your policeman's outfit, which you will wear on every case in this movie and in the police station from now on. Also, describe your own partner. Outfit silk kimono.

And let's look at the board. Do we see silk kimono silk kimono and then partner X. I'm going to just know. Damn it. I'm going to describe my partner as Pedro S. From Napoleon Dynamite. No, it's T Rex for sure. Oh, a living actual dinosaur.

It's got to be a little. Whirling cyclone in a cute felt cop uniform. No barbarian. No barbarian points for that. Getting the vibe wrong. But I like where your where your head is at. But this is the serious barbarian brother's movie until it forgets to do that. But sometimes it is.

So it's 11 year old boy. It's a top. What you are wearing is a child's Raiders sweater crop top, of course. Skinny acid wash jeans also child size. And your partner is a prostitute fur coat gold gold platform shoes. Neither of you are undercover. She's just she has two jobs. She's moonlighting as a prostitute and a police officer.

It's not explicitly said that she's a prostitute. But that is absolutely like she's dressed and like every every 90s prostitute. And you keep thinking they're going to be like, oh, she's undercover, but she wears that the whole time in this movie. Could be an informant of some kind. Could be granddaughter rules where she got in and you started speeding back and forth wildly and she can't get out. No, she's a cop. Oh, she's a cop.

You go into the police station like this and hang out. Well, traditionally in a barbarian brother's movie, the costume designer is a madman. So at that, I mean, what are you going to do? So it's not clear whether she's moonlighting in either category or what? Yeah, I mean, that's kind of up to you, but they did dress her like that. And yeah, she's just a cop and you're just a cop and you're doing your best. You are storming up to the crime scene when a comically fat security guard asks, how do I know you're really police?

What do you say? Because of the way I suplex you and then suplex him. Oh, you're definitely getting a barbarian point for that. That's a barbarian vibe. That is because that is very close. What you do is you pull a gun on him and say, if we wasn't police, you'd be dead. Why? Why would they be dead?

I don't know why the security guard would be dead. There's a million things he could be that aren't police that wouldn't murder him. But it is more barbaric in the truest sense of the word. And that's one of the 20 tones I want you to remember that this movie will take. All right. Well, the elevators out, your partner, the prostitute, refuses to take the stairs. She can't do it in her cold platform shoes, which I guess she can't take off. So it's up to you to face your first enemy stairs and you defeat them.

At the top, you find your brother, Peter. Oh, that was easy. Peter, you called the police to taunt them and then waited for them to show up so you could fight them. That was your plan as a cat. I could have never expected my match, though. Were they opponent? You think it's to meet up?

It is not. You were both totally surprised. You're not playing the cat and mouse game, right? You're playing like cat and wild boar loose in a supermarket. It's time for more mind games. It's time for more mind games. Sophisticated gentlemen mind games. Peter, how do you greet your brother?

I'm Peter, right? Yeah, Sean. Sean is Peter. You are Dave. I say, I stole the car. What are you doing here, brother? That's pretty close. But you forgot to follow that up by immediately faking your own death.

Oh, that wouldn't have occurred to me. Yeah, you pretend to fall off of the building, your brother freaks out. Dave, Swain, you just found out your brother is alive. You haven't seen each other in years. How do you respond? I sense a whiff of a womb most familiar. Is that how this guy talks? This is what I'm getting so far from you.

It could be. I mean, you'd have to say it like once they did an Italian accent. Someone said it was an accent at one point. I sense the whiff of a womb most familiar. My very brother here. Do not. Pretty close. Do not kill yourself.

Call a Joker, call suicide prevention hotline. I give him like good sober advice. He's my brother. I take a barbarian point away for that. Yeah, I'm not going to take one away, but you're definitely not getting one because what you actually do is shoot him. You just word you wordlessly shoot him. Not a warning.

The barbarian, what does get barbarian points is after you say it, it's so obvious that that was the one and only true solution. Yep. Right. You will get there though. You will start to sync up with this logic. You'll get that barbarian logic down. Everybody does.

By the end of the podcast, you'll be nailing these left and right. Not a warning shot. You actually hit him. You shoot your brother. Maybe he's dead. You go to check and find that no, he has actually flung his big angry ape of a body off of the building for real this time. He repelled 20 stories in about two seconds and landed expertly in a waiting Ferrari

to peel out into the night. Very barbarian. I mean, pretty, that's how a barbarian would do gentlemen thief. That is how you would smash gentlemen thief. I have a backseat filled with spaghetti. Just wanted to let everyone know I cooked a lot of spaghetti. In a Ferrari, it's in the trunk, which is up front rear engine. But the engine also runs on spaghetti.

So I got spaghetti both ends. Well, that's Italian cars. Anybody could guess that. Spaghetti both ends. Spaghetti both ends. I call it. Yeah. That's what they call that barbarian brother double team.

Dave, Dave the cop. Swain, you are typing up this incident report using your two huge fingers like baby's fists on the keyboard. Sure. Barbarian fashion check weird style. How do you describe this cat burglar? How do I describe them in the report? Yeah.

Handsome, older man, chiseled physique, scent of a womb most familiar. Type it. You got to type it in the Brooklyn accent. Of course. There's just a box to check. If they're from the same womb on the police report, you could just tick that box. This is a legitimate guess as to how a bad barbarian might handle it. Like guy most mysteriously handsome that I ever did see.

But boy his punches packed a heck of a wallop. I hope we catch this guy. Now, what you what you do say instead is that he was a seven foot tall Chinese man with Billy Idol hair. Wow. I almost said something about a man bun, which is kind of now that's not even telling you this movie. But you're starting.

You're starting to get there. Yeah. I think that so that nobody will know it's your twin brother. You're still kind of protecting him. But that was the best lie you could come up with, I guess. Yeah. It's like in the twilight of fact where fact meets fiction. That's viable.

Sure. If you watch the Olympic basketball, like the Chinese basketball team does have like 15 seven footers. Like they don't have they don't play a point guard. It's just like five seven footers stacked on top of each other. It's a very, very unique basketball style. I thought we were talking alligators. Okay.

They do usually field one alligator. But that's across. Chinese rules, man. I think I mentioned that on the podcast once that the Yao Ming was the product of like a eugenics program where they took the world's tallest man and married him to the best lady basketball player. Right. And I meant to fact check that in case it was intensely problematic.

We have that fact. Yeah. It might be intensely problematic. But I can do that right now while you're doing barbarian stuff. Yao Ming eugenics. Wow. That auto completed. So much fan art.

That's weird. Yao Ming the basketball giant made in China by order of the dot dot dot. That's from an Australian sports website. Discover magazine said. I'm not going to just to trust the Australian sports website to not be problematic. I'm sure every, every single article has a C word in the head. No fact checking. Not very barbarian.

Can I just point out? So yeah, that's true. Preliminary. Yeah, that's true. I probably shouldn't look into it, but preliminary Google seems to think on the front page, but I also could be getting the bad results. So I'm not clicking through any of these to verify. All right.

Let's table this for now and just go on believing that Yao Ming is a eugenics giant built to destroy us all. I guess. Yeah, work out. He's a great basketball player. I mean, a hell of a lot of us. All right. Terrific job science.

Swam. Dave. Your partner just left to see a stool pigeon about something about something. So she's already dead. You know that. Your fellow officers razz you by getting you a tiny kitten on account of the cat burglar you didn't catch. You bring it home to your clapboard apartment.

And how do you take care of this cat? How do you do that? I pause, stare into the middle space for a second, suddenly realizing how I'm going to solve an intricate plotting problem in the third act of my mystery novel. Yes, Brockway. I'm feeling good about this one, dude. Oh man. That's got to be it.

I know I haven't explained this to you and I won't, but you're going to need those barbarian points. You've got to get this together. I depot Frasier. Okay. How do I what? What was the question? I'll improv.

How do you take care of a little cat forced on you as a joke out of spite? I throw it into the aquarium and say eat up. Now I'm Arnold for some reason. Yeah. All right. I'll give you a barbarian point for that. It's a little out of pity, but you're back on track. What you actually do is you feed the cat baby food and then you pour a full bag of cat litter

in your kitchen sink, then you go to lift weights in the dark while sad flamenco music plays. You scream nonstop and it is heavily implied that your neighbor masturbates to it. Oh. So longer answers is what I mean. If you could get anything in spirit of that, like if you would just said, lift weights in the dark. Kitten is kind of like a baby as like a baby of the cat world.

So maybe I feed it a baby. Like I would give you that point. That's good for a point. I see. Okay. All right. We are doing the different life. This feels like a different wavelength than the other barbarian movies, if I'm being honest.

It is. I find myself changing gears again. Yeah. This is going to throw you off. Now this came between the barbarians and twin sitters in 1992. So it's uncertain. Like maybe this was their chance at mainstream success or maybe that they were trying to make some concessions here.

They didn't and it's completely crazy, but in a different way as you will see. Yeah. We're doing the like different lifestyle twin montage right now. Right. It's to said flamenco music. Well, sort of abusing a cat and helping his neighbor masturbate. Peter, how are you lifting weights? Oh, I've got a very, very fancy weightlifting machine, but two like bikini ladies on either

side of it. So I'm like pumping iron on a, on a fitness machine with ladies on the side. While a butler arrives with a delicate little order. Okay. You definitely take a barbarian point for that. See, this is what I mean. It's close and you'll understand what you were actually doing is lifting an actual full size ballerina balancing on your palms.

You also, you do this in your mansion. You're right. Listening to soft rock, drinking champagne. You then show the ballerina a diamond that you've stolen. You drop it down her shirt and dive in to find it. Nice. What is the movie's premise? The classically.

You're a successful burglar. Busty ballerina. Are you like a Bruce Wayne burglar? Is that what I'm picking up here? Sort of. It feels like it's mashing together every sort of gentleman thief trope, but hasn't actually seen any gentleman thief movies. You're truly a rich, rich as hell gentleman.

Okay. So do I get the diamond back or is we just, well, we tastefully cut away because you were just going to have to maul that woman to get it back and she might not survive it. Did you check the credits to see if she survived? I will not. That's just knowledge I don't need in my head to get through my day. I think this movie is in memory of that actress. Yeah, I'm assuming.

I'm assuming because you were, again, she was your weights. You were just lifting her in your palm. So no, she does not. Also, hey, speaking of who's dead, it's your partner. My partner or the... No, Dave's partner. It's Dave's partner. We knew she was going to die and she did.

Oh, I see. She definitely did. It's been hanging off. Gotcha. Yeah. She's not the ballerina. I didn't do it. I was tired from spending attention.

No, she was the prostitute. Well, yeah, but I just thought maybe she was undercover as my ballerina and weight system. You're confusing me and angering me. So take a barbarian quote for that. Thank you. No, I think it's two to seven. It's definitely how you're doing. You got to step up your game.

I really do. All right. All you know, Dave, is that the informant she was going to meet with worked for Kent Construction. And they planted heroin on your partner and they put a bullet through the back of her head to make it look like she was crooked or something. And that jerky cop, you know how jerky he was that he got you a kitten like all jerks do. He says, ha, who knows? Maybe the whore was dirty.

Whoa. And what's your response to that, Dave? I'm going to beat the crap out of you after I go feed the caged ballerinas in my backyard that my brother, the gentleman thief, will be picking up later. Take a barbarian point for that. Very good. Back on track. You immediately punch him 50 feet in the air and he lands in some swings.

I guess there was a playground next to this abandoned train yard that he lands in. It is very goofy. We've gone from heroin whore execution to Bugs Bunny in less than a second. I feel like he should have punched him into something dirty and said something like now who's dirty or something, right? Like a swing or sense. Yeah. Just punch him into a quick sand.

That'd be fun. Especially since this is like an abandoned like train yard. So there's why is there a playground? It's just that they wanted to punch somebody into some swings. And so they did. Here's an idea. He tears his head off and then it cuts to him at his apartment lifting weights. And then it pans over and his head is in the sink filled with kitty litter.

Oh, that's good. And the cats doing the little peer. Oh yeah. Oh, the cat is shitting right on that decapitated head. And the neighbor is masturbating. Absolutely. Furiously. He's like, I know there's a cat shitting on a human head in there.

All right, Peter, you were caught on camera intentionally, but for reasons that are never explained and immediately forgotten, this is so the bad guys can know who you are. Very quickly because we just need that to happen. That's good writing. They're after you, but you're too busy cat burgling, calling the cops and specifically requesting your brother this time, which they do. Okay, that's that they will honor requests for specific cops. Little in fact about 911.

You set a trap for him this time. What is it? Let's see. I know he's got great strength because he's got my size and DNA. So it needs to be something that will puzzle him, not something that will like glue him to something. For example, he would break right out of that. So I need to set up a riddle.

So I'm going to have some sort of a robot machine ask him questions on top of a trap door. And so when he gets stumped by the questions, the trap door will open and he'll drop in to a bunch of snakes. He hates snakes, but not me because I'm opposite him. So that's my plan. Robot Zoltar machine asking him riddles on top of a trap door leading to a snake pit. I will give you credit because it's complicated yet somehow stupid and also impossible. All facets of the real plan, which is that you pull electrical conduits out of the wall. They are actually cords, as we all know.

And you fashion them into a snare. You somehow rig a light socket from a light bulb to power this snare like a pulley. And set it up in front of the door, ready for your brother, and you immediately get caught in it yourself. Like a spider in its own web. This is like Chad Stahelsky meets Michelle Gondry. How dare you taunt me, brother? Dave, you just found your brother a meat pinata. What do you do? I keep fucking these entrances up.

I feel like I've got to make it look like he put up a fight, right? So the way I'm looking at it is I can finally prove my dominance in the sibling rivalry. Maybe beat some barbarian points out of this sucker under the guise of helping smooth things over. But I'm like, but listen, bro, you know, it's got to look like you took a punch. You can't just be looking fresh as a daisy here. And I beat this pinata, Robert. I beat this pinata good. Take a barbarian point. All right. That's great. You didn't overthink it. I gave you meat pinata and you beat the meat pinata.

I went for exactly what you put in front of me. There you go. That's sometimes that's what this movie wants you to do. You punch him in the face. I am filled with 14 pounds of spaghetti. That's technically if it's a meat sauce. That's a meat pinata. So you punch him in the face, throw him in jail. You point out that every one of his cellmates wants to kill you.

That's what you do for him because he looks like you. Then you whistle to get their attention and laugh as they swarm your brother. But now the celebration's over. Sad bulky flamenco is back. You're really sad your partner died. And now your hard ass chief played by James Dewan on a bad weekend. I believe his first line is sorry my voice is so messed up. I spent all weekend yelling at assholes.

He apparently something is going on in his life with a need for a rewrite. They wrote in there. Anyway, he tells you you just can't punch a fellow officer 50 feet into some swings. Looney tuning an officer is against the rules. You're a damn good cop. But this is your last chance. That's how this scene always goes. You're a damn good cop.

It's your last chance. Meet your new partner. A total weenie named Whitney Regan. He's a huge dork. He often takes pratfalls. Maybe he's the comic relief, but both of you are also comic relief. So three comic reliefs. Can't be wrong.

I mean, three amigos. Now. Three Stooges. Meet your new partner. Again. It's right. We're going back twice. You're getting another new partner.

He opens the door for your other new partner. You know that trope where the cop movie is like, you don't want a partner. But then you're getting in any way and it's something wacky. It's a dog. It's a drive talking robot. This movie figured, what if we just kept doing that? Oh my God. That is your double trouble.

Two partners over here. It's your second new partner. Now you've got to try on hats. Increasingly strange hats for 30 minutes. This one's in a cast. That's a story. There's a story in that. It's implied.

You've got to ask him about it. I've got to know who this third partner is. No, you've got to guess. Can you guys guess who the partner is? I feel like this is his scene. And plus I already guessed T-Rex earlier in the film. That's true. You did guess T-Rex.

Take a barbarian point. It is sort of a T-Rex. Wow. Swanky, you want to finish that? Oh. Well, I just finished Forbidden West. So all I can say is robot T-Rex. Is it a robot T-Rex?

No, it is your brother. Oh, it's your own brother. What the fuck? Pete, you have evidence on some money laundering some guy did. And until you can get to it, you two are partners. Well, that's insane. Seems like this is double the trouble. But there's some kind of weenie in betweeny, right?

There's what's his name? Whitney Regan? Right. Whitney Regan. You've also got a weenie. OK. And he's there to also watch, Pete, I guess. It's unclear what happened in this whole script or scenario at this point.

Pete, you say you have to pee and Whitney accompanies you to the bathroom. It's time for an antique or perhaps a shenanigan. What is your antique? All right. My gut says I have a comically large penis that shocks Whitney. But the writer in me says this needs a little step and needs a twist. So reverse it. He, the little weenie, has just a gigantic monster hog.

And I'm shocked when I see it. I believe Whitney Regan does have a monster hog just by the way he carries himself. Like there's something about his stride that's like pelvic problems, you know? But no, that's not the bit. The bit is you go to retire to the stall. OK. You rig the toilet using parts. A toilet definitely does not have so that it sounds like you're taking a nonstop horse piss.

And then you sneak out the window, get caught by your brother for some reason, sneak back in the window so that Whitney doesn't realize. Then you fall in the toilet. Whitney sees you after you've fallen in the toilet and you say, Surf's up. Take a very important for that. That's great. And what you say is, you know how much you shake it,

like the last drop goes down your leg. That's what I say? That's what you say. That's the end of that scene. I don't know if it was improv, but that's how that scene ends. That's very strange. I'll never get on this wavelength. Yeah, one of 20 tones.

You got to pick one of 20 tones that we're using here and you got to pick them at the right moments. All right, Philip Chamberlain. That's Roddy McDowell, the bad guy. He owns the diamond company that you were robbing, Peter. It's the man you have evidence on. Now it's time to bust him. But first, you need to stop by your house to change clothes. You know what that means.

Right? All right. Not yet. Oh, god damn it. You're interrupted. You go to pull into the driveway and there's a jeep full of bikini models. Okay, I'm listening. That's it.

It has no bearing on anything. They pull away. I guess they were sorry to interrupt you. You just had a jeep full of bikini models. That's kind of thing that happens to you. I think the director might have given some hot ladies a party. He's like, you girls, I'll give you a speaking part in my movie. Maybe not a speaking part, but a bikini part.

You want to be movie stars. You will just never predict where this movie is going. Your mansion has been trashed, Peter. But you've still your priorities on changing those clothes. So now it's a barbarian fashion check. Okay. I want to incorporate my fanciness. So I want to tuxedo with tails, but with my abs exposed.

Also, it's gold LeMay. The pants do not go with it. The pants are made of at least 75 colors. They're tucked into thigh high vinyl boots. Flight goggles and six bandanas on just on my head alone. 25 elsewhere. That's perfect. And I am, I am certain that as an outfit, they wore well actually wrestling at some point or just to the dentist.

I don't know. It's what I'm wearing right now. Oh, sweet. Uh, you're changing to barbarian fashion check. Is he at my house changing using my closet? Yeah. Okay. Well, I guess we're the same size.

So yeah, whatever you want. A jangling ghillie suit of records strung together. Just copies of you spend me right round baby right round all over my body. Flacking against each other. Yeah, there was a, there was an over prints and we got a box real cheap at a yard sale. Perfect. You know what, take a barbarian point for that. That's great.

The armor was a good instinct. And hey, fuck it. Let's get Whitney in on this too. He's going to change into a new outfit that let's say he is a sparkly galoshes. He's wearing a turtle for a hat. It's still alive, but cooperating. What? He, he's wearing a trench coat and nothing else.

No, none of that happens. Peter, you just change into a huge suit. You look like the guy that David Burns suit from stop making sense was actually designed for. Like it just kind of fits. Okay. I do like when giant wrestlers are in suits because they sort of look like gorillas. Yeah, it's great. It looks like it shouldn't be happening and you're kind of waiting for it to tear away

at some point to reveal like a speedo. Yeah. Like a battle, like a battle speedo. It just looks like a trick. Like they're like, hey gorilla, you didn't think you could actually infiltrate this human building, did you? It's like when Dave Batista is in a movie as anything except for Dave Batista. You're like, there's no one's going to mention that there's a gorilla here. You're a great actor, but you're, I mean, let's be real.

You're seeing you're going to throw somebody through a table, right? Like this. That's where the scene is going. They tell you sign language I heard. That's a thing. Do some sign language. Say something deep. Look out lasers.

Say something about life. All right, Dave, you're hungry. You grab a snack. What is it? That's going to be a fistful of slim gyms on a Kaiser roll. Oh, that's definitely, that's definitely a barbarian point because you did get the fistful. You got the fistful. Sure.

That's the most important component. Yeah. You're shoveling fistfuls of unmixed protein powder into your face straight from the job. It's not even played as comedic. Yeah. It's not even like played for comedic. It just happens in like a pan over that we never commented on. That was the actual craft service on that movie for sure.

Yeah. It might be just what you were doing. It says mundane in my life has a deep full of bikini models. It's no big deal. I'm making a spaghetti smoothie. An attacker. Yeah, you are. An attacker leaps from the closet.

He knocks out Whitney. He has a gun. What do you guys do? The two of you? I grab one arm. He grabs the other. We tear him vertically in half. Quarter this guy.

Well, a half this guy. Yeah. Both take a barbarian point for that. That's good barbarian thinking. It's not what happens. We switch to loony tunes now. And you both grab part of a rug and you shake it so that he falls over and then you pull him like 50 feet across the room with it.

And now we switch again to a hard ass detective movie and you hook him up to an electric muscle stimulator and switch it to overdrive and then start torturing him. And when you're done, I'm going to leave you in this for seven years until you're a good fight for me. That's how we were made. That's how you're going to be made. When you're done, Dave, you set an impossible amount of weights on him and you guys just leave him there.

Speaking of leaving him there. Do you guys ditch Whitney? Oh, yeah. I had already completely forgotten about him. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Fuck yeah. You ditch that nerd.

What a nerd. Oh, shoot. Oh, no, that's the nerd. See, I've even forgotten who Whitney is, dude. He's the one with the enormous dick, but he doesn't know how to use it. I remember that prostitute. They were great. Whitney, I have no idea.

Yeah, they're dead. Yeah. Missed that prostitute. Yeah, maybe the only woman in this movie she's dead in five minutes. What about the bikini girls? Oh, right. Yeah. Yeah.

No, they did get along. See, I forgot Whitney, but I remember the bikini girls. And the implied female gaze that the whole film is clearly written through. Yes, of course. This is some movies for ladies. The Virginia Woolf in the room of it all. Women love muscle men and maniacs. It's like Playgirl magazine.

This is these barbarians are here for ladies. Women hate feeling safe in your personal space. You've arrived at Chamberlain's building, the diamond building. Dave, you handcuff your brother, an enormous muscle beast, exactly like you in every way, to your rickety old steering wheel. And then you stealth into the building only to have the drop got on you. It got on you. One of the bodyguards pulls a gun and you're going to die.

Only a mysterious stranger saves you at the last minute. Who is it? Got to go with my brother, I'm assuming. Yeah, it's your brother. Amazing. All right, Peter, you saved the day. Peter, you saved the day. Let's do a barbarian fashion check.

What are you wearing? Let's see. I got out of the handcuffs by taking off all my clothes. So I'm just wearing a Speedo and I'm handcuffed to an entire engine block with the steering wheel attached. Take a barbarian point. You can both take a barbarian point since you got that right. Yeah, you're wearing a huge suit and a steering wheel. Okay.

Yeah, there you go. You need to invade the penthouse now to get to Chamberlain or the information. It's guarded by armed men though. How do you get past the front door? The both of you? I stick my steering wheel into the nearest television to like take over the security system. I'll drive this building off a goddamn cliff and I don't clear this room. And Swim, how do you assist this play?

I'm going to put my arm tenderly around his shoulder, let tears come to my eyes and say, you know, we're not so different after all you and I. I really want to change my rule about taking barbarian points away. No. Okay, what you guys do is you go and find the building's doorman. You knock him unconscious. You put sunglasses on him and then you carry him around. Yeah, you pretend to talk to the bad guys through the peephole while working him with one hand like a human muppet.

And it works. Fantastic. The door is open. Peter, you attack first. Let's go. What do you do? Oh, I ram the steering wheel up his ass and use that to pilot him. Good instincts.

No, you throw the doorman like a puppet javelin completely destroying him. Swim, I believe you take a barbarian. 713. You easily murder most of the others, but the rest of the bodyguards flee over the side of the building, instantly repelling 20 stories down into a waiting car again. That's just that's something people do when they they don't want to be in a place anymore. But okay, so they're going to get away. Peter, you have a plan.

What is it? I know it has nothing to do with this fucking steering wheel. This thing has been useless. Let's see. You know, if we could get those bikini girls back in the Jeep, we could follow them in that. Brilliant. So I'm going to whistle out the window and and call the babes. I suppose I should take my shirt off.

I'll summon babes. Classic babe summon. Shirtlessly summon babes. That's what that's what I'm going to do. Yeah, if you I would give you a point if you could slam your pecs together and make the gong sound that we've determined that would make. But yeah, we don't have our soundboard and you didn't call it. What you instead do is you rip an enormous satellite dish loose from the roof and you throw it like a frisbee across the parking lot 20 stories down obliterating the car. Holy shit.

Like an angry giant. Yeah, holy shit. That's like superheroes. Really embarrassed. I didn't think of that. That's awesome. However, despite the fact that the car has been completely destroyed, they flee anyway. It's time for a car chase.

Wait. We don't have a car. Wait. I do have a steering wheel. No, you don't. The steering wheel is gone. No steering wheel. Somehow.

I was just going to drive my brother. See, you remembered through this whole bit that you had the steering wheel handcuffed to you. You don't. The filmmakers did not? No, you do not. You forgot the steering wheel somewhere. Dave, you naturally blame Peter for this. Peter, how do you respond to this in your eyes, unjust blame?

I'm going to say a punch to the face. No, no, no. A barbarian lift. I will always reward a lift. That's an easy cheat code. You get a barbarian point for that. You're keeping track of these, right? I told you to keep track.

I think so. It's very important. 714. Oh, nice. I have 14. No, you respond. That's right. Wow.

So you just lied? You just lied that you were taking a track? No, Dave, Dave, you blame Peter for forgetting the steering wheel. Peter, you say, if I hadn't clubbed that guy with that steering wheel, you'd be in the ghost police. The ghost police? Sure. Wow. I got it.

Yeah. I cannot get on the wavelength for this movie. But did he actually club someone with the steering wheel or does that just happen off camera? Yeah, he clubbed someone. That's how he saved. I skipped over that part, but that is how he saved. Well, you saved him when the bodyguard got a drop on him at the start. Clubbed him with the steering wheel.

Okay. Anyway, it seems like it's a bust, but luckily, Peter, you stole a blasting cap from Chamberlain's apartment. You found the steering wheel again. You hooked it back up. You're driving away. You have this clue and you talk about it briefly. What do you do with the clue? So I have a clue?

Yeah, you have a blasting cap that you stole from Chamberlain's apartment. That's the clue. That's the clue. Okay. Well, then they're at the quarry. Oh, you tried to solve a case? No, you do not get a barbarian point for that. Damn, I blew it already.

Yeah. What you do is you throw it out the window, exploding a passing car. Yes. I was going to eat it. Oh, you would have definitely got a point for that. It's a surprise eating something. It's a strong barbarian move. All right.

You are back at Peter's house and your prisoner, the guy that you just stacked weights on and assumed would die, has been murdered, but not by you. And you're upset about that. I was going to do that. Yeah. I guess you were saving that. Dave, you really need to know what's going on here. Peter, you're sick of answering questions. What do you guys do?

Yeah. Could we chest bump so powerfully as brothers that it creates an echo locating shockwave like detective mode in the Arkham games and reveals clues around us? I believe we did something like that in a bonus episode. If not, maybe we just should have. You can both take a barbarian point for that for wrestling and the shockwave pecslam. It is time for a house destroying brother brawl. Finally. In every movie.

In every movie this happens. Okay, Peter, Dave, you body surf your brother down the stairs. You two explode out the front door into the street where Dave you smash his head in somebody's car door and then the both of you hop in the back seat of an older couple's car as they drive by all the while you continue trading blows. Okay. Roll switch. All right. Whoa. Swam, you're the old lady.

What do you have to say about this development? And their parents are coming home early from their trip abroad. This isn't going to go well. I think a cleaning montage might be in order. Hell yes. You take an old lady point. All right. Honey, how come you never do that with me anymore?

It sounds so good. Get an old man point. You can take a weary husband point. What the old lady actually says is, ah, that's so huge. There are men wrestling in the back seat of a car. Sean, you're the weary husband. Okay. If that's the setup, then my line is, oh, what are you hopping about this time?

Oh, God. Damn it. You get an old man point and a barbarian point for that because that is exactly accurate. What you say, despite the fact that two huge men have carjacked the back half of your car, your whole car is rocking with the blows of Titans. You turn to your wife and go, ah, shut up. Yep. Yep.

That supersedes everything. I just cannot stand this woman talking. You can't process the information. It's just the quality of hearing that her voice is on. You just instinctively tell her to shut up. Yep. It's great. This fight is not over, gentlemen.

You get back out of the car. You punch each other all the way to the dog park where you greet a local woman walking her dog. You wrestle your way downtown and into a china shop where you destroy everything to cartoon sound effects. You brawl into an alley, both disheveled, and just kind of comparing face punches like in They Live until it's a tie. You both fall over, exhausted. Like half the town destroyed. You start giggling your best friends now and you go out for lunch. This is how you made up.

We're too evenly matched. Yeah. What a day. You're like twins or something. It's a living. It's good to be brothers again. At the burger place that you go for lunch, it's revealed you guys actually have a tragic backstory. Dave, what's your tragic backstory?

Our parents were frozen to death on a fancy trip to Antarctica, a cruise-type deal that ran aground. And they got so freeze-dried and dehydrated in a flash freeze that they were shipped back to us, ground into a fine powder in a big bucket of protein powder. We accidentally ate our folks earlier in the film. That's what you were seeing. All right, yeah. You can get a barbarian point for that. I told you straight up I'm not going to go back on it.

Just surprise eating something. Strong move. What is it but an esophageal lift? That attitude is going to serve you well in the bonus episode. Dave explains the backstory. He says, Dad had old timers. It turned him into Ronald Reagan. He couldn't remember nothing and then one day I guess he couldn't remember to wake up.

Oh my God. Must have forgot that. That's so tragic in every direction. He calls it old timers. Old timers. Yeah, that's like what, I don't know, post-apocalyptic. That's like in the road they call it old timers. I guess he couldn't remember to wake up.

Just a heartbroken beast mourning a tiny bird. I thought he was my friend. Peter, you are sick. Peter, you're sick of this junk food. You take your brother to a fancy restaurant both dressed in MC Hammer style suits except it fits perfectly. And you see Chamberlain having lunch with Kent of Kent Construction who the stool pigeon worked for him. Okay. You follow him to a private gym.

The security guard tries to stop you. Dave, you flash your badge. He nods you along. Peter, you come in the room a second later. What do you say? Uh, whew. It's got to be something crazy. So I can't say like I'm with him.

Um, God. God damn it. I'm completely stumped. What would happen here? Could I hit him with a steering wheel? I feel like you're trying to trick me by saying, what do you say? I'm going to hit him with a steering wheel. It's a universal language.

Steering wheel to the face. I'll give you that because it's a setup and delivery that defies what you would think of as a conventional setup and delivery. So I'll get you that one. What you actually say is excuse me, but did I just go in there? And the security guard nods. You follow your brother through the door, but we linger on the security guard for a beat. Does he do a double take? Oh, I hope he pulls out like a bottle of liquor and looks at it and then shakes his head like, no more of this.

And then throws it over his shoulder. He does not. He just goes back to work. Oh, okay. That's a reaction to. Don't try to bend down this movie. It's also super good. Never get it.

Expectations in its own way. It's so slippery. All right. Kent meets with the man in the sauna. Dave, you recognize him as Councilman Leonard Stewart. He retires to a tanning booth. So you two hugely trap him in it and crank the heat up and then put on your wrestler voices and tell him you're going to make his life hell. We cut to him later. Son burned and he is trying to change back into street clothes.

He opens his locker to see the dire threat you've left for him. What did you do? Who's answering? Either both. Either both? We've dismembered a cat. I was going to say cat inside out. So I think we're already aligned.

Yeah, we're on the same wavelength here. You line it up and you're getting the barbarian mindset down. You can both take barbarian points for that, but it is not what happened. You mulled his suit like a bear would and you drew a child's hangman picture with the word you under it. That gets the message across, I guess. As if we guessed the word you was the solution. As if you guessed the word you. Did we spell it properly?

You did. Okay. But it took so many guesses that the entire hangman was drawn before we got a three letter word. That is true. That is true. It was a complete hangman. So it took you a while. We cut to you two watching him from the mirror like scheming geniuses.

Your plan is working. Are we sunburned? Dave? Were we in the sun? No, no, you just trapped him in there. You have your natural hot dog skin glow, just Hulk Hogan way too tanned barbarian brother look. Perfect. Thank you.

Dave, you tell the security guard there's a bomb threat and you need to check Councilman Stewart's car. Peter, you come out a second later and ask. The same thing I said when I went in. Get a barbarian point. Thank you. Pretty much. You say, which way did I go? Okay.

All right. All right. Now does the security guard do a double take? Absolutely not. He does fucking not. Just dead eye does not. All right. You find the Councilman's car.

What did you do to it? The two of you. What did you do? Swain, I'll let you take this one. Obligatory street fighter to e Honda level reference. I filled the trunk with spaghetti while he was doing that. I punched the sauce back out. Oh, it is much stranger than that.

What you did is you turned it completely upside down in its parking spot. Totally untouched, but now upside down. Do you see us lift it and wrestle it into place or this happens? No, he just comes out and finds it upside down. Great. That makes sense. This mentally destroys him. Yeah.

He's done. Of course. His soul is shattered. God has forsaken him. That's why the universal symbol for the dark night of the soul is a little car upside down logo. Yeah. That's the key to the human soul has been flipping somebody's car upside down, but otherwise not harming it at all.

That's like an HP Lovecraft thing. One of the books is just everyone's cars get flipped upside down and it drives them all, you know, mad with madness. I mean, that's really inferred because what he really says is that you couldn't explain what you're looking at, what they did to the car, like words can't explain it. I'm just freaking sounds of madness as I try to describe an upside down car. So he is totally destroyed. He renounces evil entirely. He wants out of the scheme.

He calls Chamberlain says, no more. I'm done. Minutes later, Bob, the driver from the start shows up in his limo and you guys know what that means. He's in trouble. He's going to die. What do you do? Well, we know how to. I feel like we're on a roll turning cars upside down.

You want to try that? We saw so much last time. We plug the errant, the extant steering wheel in on the passenger side and it somehow works. And we use our brotherhood to dual steer the car, flipping it upside down, which is good. It's good that that happens. I like the idea of the magic, but there's not enough force. If you would like maybe plug the steering wheel in and then it like had plugged into his spine and then you get to twist him around like a towel. Sure.

That would have been great. No, what you do is you just silently watch as Bob kills him. Absolutely. That's a three times every time there's a ranged weapon with his barbarians. They just like watch somebody die even if that's themselves. That's faster than I can do. Yeah. You sit there mutely watching as he runs the man down, reverses into him, then puts it into drive and runs over him again.

All the while you are doing nothing. You just sort of watch. But then he's getting away. But then he's getting away. So that I think chasing something triggers those instincts in you again. So you call an ambulance over the radio and then set off in a hot pursuit, and it's awarded by the ambulance, which is already here and cutting you off. It's movie forgot about time and how time works.

And it's not a bit and it's never commented on. It seems like it's a perfectly logical thing that you got on the radio and went, we didn't ambulance and then went out to pull out and the ambulance cut you off. And you're like, ah, well, maybe the film takes place from our perspective. And so that's why everything's so fucked up. A sub story from the bringing out the dead expanded universe. It's just they cut out everything where a barbarian brother wasn't really paying attention. So you just kind of sat there staring off into the distance for a while thinking about gains.

And then all the ambulances here. Yeah. And then they take eat a few handfuls of protein powder, turn a can inside out. They just carefully added it out protein powder time. Dave, you jump out to yell at the ambulance. And when you look back, your brother is gone. Yeah, you're getting chewed out by your chief while Peter, you have taken off. You empty a safe deposit box containing that shining silver card like it's a reveal.

But we knew you had it the whole time from the very first scene of the movie. Your next stop is Batman. It's still a hell of a ride. Your next stop is a prison where you meet with somebody famous. Who do you meet with? That's not James Suhan. Sandra Bullock from Bird Box, specifically. The Sandra Bullock that can't go outside specifically.

She's terrified of space and sound or something like that. No, it's it's David Carradine. Oh, of course. Playing himself. Maybe. He is in this movie for maybe 90 seconds. He's your thief master. He trained you in the art of thievery.

He tells you the silver card is a depository card which unlocks access to five billion dollars in diamonds. Jesus. But not so fast. Even if you use the card and you're led into that vault, there are security systems. What security systems are inside that vault? I bet it's probably smashing walls. Like walls that a barbarian could hold open if they were really strong. I was going to say, yeah, a big weight you have to lift and it's so big that to lift it off the button that triggers the alarm, people are like,

I mean, that's pretty secure. Who could lift that? Yeah. Those are great instincts. Take a barbarian point, the bolt of view. Thank you. It's another vault. There's another vault in the vault is the problem. Yeah.

Why? He says, he says this. He says this, even if you got in there, why you'd need a construction crew to blast you out. Something about construction. Hold on. Dave. I've got it. An inside out cat.

An upside down cat. If you could put it upside, no. Dave, somehow you know about this conversation. Don't question it. You're at construction, sneaking in undercover. Barbarian fashion check. What's your undercover sneaking outfit? Black Unitard and Timberland boots like War 4 in the birthright episode of Star Trek the Next Generation.

Of course, episode 17.4. That's right. Pretty good, but I'm not going to give you a barbarian point for knowing some nerd shit. You're in your undercover outfit. You should have known this from the start. It's no change. You show up and you put on a comically small hard hat. Other than that, exactly the same clothes.

You are immediately caught. It does not work. What, the parachute pants? No, you have the so tight acid wash jeans. Oh, okay, great. And the half of a child sweater. Just trying to keep my mental picture coherent. And also, you're fucking enormous, so obviously anybody on the site would be like,

Hey, I don't remember having an ogre like work here. Do you remember an ogre? I don't remember no ogre. Like not in disguise. I've always been here. The ogre was inside your heart the whole time. Anyway, what I love about this movie is that it immediately doesn't work with no comment. Somebody just pulls a gun on you like, nope.

Nope. And Chamberlain has you tied up. You say they got the wrong guy. But they don't believe you, of course, until Peter shows up to save the day. Now there are two of you and they see it. Do the guards do a double take? Oh, 100% no. Definitely not.

Hell yes, they do a double take. Damn you. What a trick. You take one trickster point. I will. I will take that. Thank you. Each and every one of them does a double take and we watch them all individually.

Like the movie knows, we are owed double takes. They each get to play it out. It's great. They figure if you take those double takes and spread them evenly throughout where double takes should have been, now you're cooking. Yeah, we're even. They're like, shit, we forgot to do a double take like eight times in this movie. It's a twin movie.

What are we doing? Peter, they tell you to drop the gun. Reminder, you just pulled it on them. What do you do? I drop it. Yeah, you do. You take my point. You immediately drop it.

You're confused by guns. You just put you in an anxious space. I don't know what I'm doing if there's a gun. I don't know. All right. It's yours. You're now tied up back to back with your brother while Chamberlain and Kent prepared the superheist of a century.

I guess they're going to steal every diamond in the world. I love it so much. It's the first thing a child would come up with if they were playing heist. I'm going to steal every diamond in the world. But this movie, dead ass serious, just that's the stakes. Is there a second part of the plan? No. That's it.

Tied up. No, no thoughts. Then you have all the diamonds and it's the best. And then you're happy. It's an end in and of itself. Okay. You're tied up back to back. How are you going to get out of this one?

I mean, there's just no question how to get out of this. We flex our giant muscles together as brothers. Sure. Flex our way out. That's fair. I mean, Sean's leading. Would you like to try like a flip or something? Nine to 21.

So I think we could turn towards each other and start to make love and let the violence of that break our bonds while uniting our brotherhood bronze. Tear away parachute pants that we strangle a passing guard with. But let's just flex our way out. Keep it simple, stupid. God, that's so, that's so perfect. You both get a barbarian point. That is absolutely what should have happened in every other movie.

It does happen, but not here. They just don't tie you and then take you outside to kill you for no reason. Oh, okay. You guys start to argue and then you slowly turn the argument into punching guys around you and this works. That allows you to get the drop on them somehow. It's the flexing out of it of the mind. Yeah.

But then Bob remembers he has a gun and he pulls the gun on you. You're about to die. Yeah. But somebody saves the day. Who saves the day? Okay. So we have only a couple other characters. There's the cat.

There's Whitney Regan. There's the bikini jeeps. Or unknown third twin brother. No, I like bikini jeeps. Bikini jeeps. The bikini jeeps might be there. Yeah, I like Swim's idea. I think it's a third version of us.

God, that would be so great. Swim, you can get a barbarian point for that. Sean, take a barbarian point for bikini jeeps. I love it. Thank you. It's Whitney. It's Whitney Regan and he blows away Bob with a shotgun like it's nothing. Turns out he's super competent at his job.

Who would have thought? He saves you and then he runs off to get back up while you guys go after Kent and Chamberlain. But he trips over a barrel on the way. What do you guys say about that? I'm barreled over with laughs at this guy, this nerd here. Donkey Kong. No, you say, what a dick. And then you agree.

Yeah, what a dick. That's his catchphrase. I know. I know. That's the scene. That's the punchline we end on. He set up for him to... He's the guy Pierce is to LA confidential as he is to our universe, it feels like.

What a dick. What a dick. Yeah, what a dick. Just saved our lives. Skilled. Showed great confidence. He trips over a barrel. Turn on him instantly.

Kent is on. Kent construction is drilling into the vault or maybe the second vault. It's not clear. From a nearby tunnel, fuck that whole card thing the movie was about. None of it matters. They're in. They're vacuuming up all the diamonds with just shop facts. Like on their backs, they're filling up shop back tanks with all of the world's diamonds.

That's his heist. You guys muscle hustle up to catch them, but don't. They close the door on you. They lock it. Uh-oh. That's how the big heist showdown ends. That was it. Okay.

That scene stopped. You got locked in. We cut away while you figure out how to go back around, I guess. Sure. I think we could go for a costume change. Yeah, you would think that. No. Alright.

No. Just the perspiration issue at this point. Yeah, we fought several people under false pretenses. Telling you. Yeah. But we usually have like 20 handkerchiefs. It's the third installment. It has to fuck with you.

Yeah. There's a powder going on. So they just escaped. We now cut to the airfield where Kent Chamberlain and a host of other evil businessmen we have not seen before are all literally toasting to evil. And they take a drink and all of them die. Except for two. It is poisoned.

Let's do a roll switch. Sean, you're Kent. Every one of your comrades just dropped dead, but you didn't drink the champagne. What do you say? Let's see. A toast to my success, gentlemen. Pretty good. Take a Kent point.

Thank you. What you actually say is... What? What? You're just utterly clueless. You have no idea what happened. Swain, you're Chamberlain. Every one of your comrades just dropped dead, but you didn't drink the champagne.

What do you say? To evil, they are more like to poison. That sounds like it would be in this movie. Similar laugh to Sean Baby's laugh. You say, oh, I forgot you don't drink Kent, and then you shoot him dead. Oh, at least I was right there. It's one good move. And then you shoot him dead, and then you hop in the most hilariously tiny, slow golf cart that they could find,

and it's loaded with all of the world's diamonds in the back. God, I love it. And you can tell because they're labeled in a big sack. No, they're in big, clear containers with open tops so that you can see them. You escape at like 1.4 miles an hour and struggling to do that. You arrive at your private plane ready to fly away and get away with it perfectly. But what do you see? Oh, it's upside down for sure.

The plane has been turned upside down off camera. No, much like the ballerina, he's balancing it, the tip of the nose of the plane in his palm, spinning it idly just as a standing threat. It's the two brothers. Nope, Sean. Take a barbarian point. Oh, thank you. The plane, the entire plane, has been turned upside down.

Holy fuck, I was right. Holy shit. I only changed. I literally only changed direction to spice it up just to keep the game the same thing again. I finally found the movie's tone. You finally got there. You finally got there. I'll say a damn thing.

The pilots still in the plane comically waving his arms like, oh no. Are they upside down as well? Yes. Okay. Yes, he's strapped in. He's upside down. Good. All right, you're switching back.

Ain't it nice to be meat again? Swain, you are Dave again. Chamberlain tries to bribe you with, let's repeat it, all of the money in the world. How do you respond? All the diamonds in the world. How do you respond? What have you given me in silver lately? That's pretty good for this movie.

You're nailing down this movie if not the barbarian spirit. All right, you get a barbarian. I know I'll never please you. I'm just going for accuracy to the film. You've pleased me so many times. Your actual response is you shoot the diamonds. Oh, that's so obvious. Every time you find out, you're like, of course it's that, of course.

Now by this movie's logic, that might set off a chain reaction explosion. A confusion might be happening. Anything can happen at this point. Chamberlain now attempts to appeal to your greed, Peter, and your stupidity, Peter, by literally hypnotizing you with diamonds. What I'm going to do is speech here. You certainly should be able to appreciate my offer. Look at them.

Brilliant. It's like they're alive. They don't really reflect like it seems to emanate from them. They sparkle like dreams with power. It appears to be working on you. Uh-oh. Peter, you might be hypnotized by diamonds. What do you say?

You have two one-liners. Let's hear both. Okay, the first one is a seven-minute fart sound. Just take that. Get the hypnosis out of my brain. It's the only way I know how to do it. The second one is, oh, I thought I left that down the titties of that ballerina, and then I reached to grab it violently, punching Kent in the face.

The second one, I will give you, there were two points at stake. I'll give you one of them. Okay. The second one. That's great. Your actual lines are, you know what? You're as dumb as I look. Okay.

The second line is, book them, Devo. Wouldn't have gotten either of those in a million years. In a million years. Where did book them, Devo, come from? He said that right back to back. You know what? You're as dumb as I look. Book them, Devo.

I believe you that that's exact delivery. It is. The pilot shoots you, Peter. You turned him upside down. It should have been impossible. Pilots work on turtle rules. I'm sorry. You are out of the final show.

God damn it. The second time I got shot in this movie. Yeah. Dave, it's all up to you. You are hunting a very old and I stress very tiny bank manager, Roddy McDowell. He played a very small monkey in his prime. He is the size of one of your legs. Your jeans would fit him perfectly, but that's a choice you made.

He has a comically tiny pistol. It might be a squirt gun. You are an impossible beef feast and you have a shotgun. Somehow this hunt has played for extreme tension. And then what's the end then? Explain what happens. I take cover behind a rock and I'm getting shot at, shot at, dodging. It feels like the bullets are somehow closing in, getting closer and closer to finding their mark.

And then I realize with my shotgun, I can shoot at the base of the rock formation over and over until I use all my ammo, creating a road runner-esque top heavy stone that I then put my back against and do squats at until it collapses, crushing my foe from above. My God. That is the perfect ending for this movie. It's got the Looney Tunes thing, it swarves wildly from the detective thing, it uses the lift. That is great. That is not what happens.

He stops sneaking and just walks up to you and you blow him to hell with your shotgun. That's the end. It's weird, it's sudden, it doesn't try to do anything clever, it's very anticlimactic. And if you'll remember, that's a barbarian brother's ending, baby. Every single movie. We don't high-five or anything? Well, no, there's a little exit scene, but this is how every villain is defeated. In The Barbarian Brothers, he has you cornered with a crossbow and then he forgets that he doesn't have a finger to pull the trigger

and goes, oh, and then you kill him and it's over. In Twin Sitters, he has you cornered with a gun and then some cop from off-screen shoots him. You have nothing to do with it. And then in this, he just drops the whole thing, walks up and dies. Good for him. Alright. Maybe these screenplays are like the action scenes are underwritten where it just says, like they figure someone else will make it work later, like he gets shot.

And then the director got the screenplay and they're like, oh, that's all that happens, okay. Like, he didn't make it his own. Sounds good. Yeah, fine. It's a barbarian brother's movie. They'll improv it. They'll come up with something better. Yeah, yeah.

We'll figure it out on the day of. And then they just don't. Alright, let's do the Stinger scene. Dave, you come out to see a trail of diamonds. Peter, you are escaping with every diamond in the world hauled by the tiniest, slowest golf card ever made. Your brother, you're like a hundred feet away. Your brother will catch you with very little effort in seconds. What do you do?

Um, I mean, this is the freeze frame of the end of the movie. I just make a funny face and wait for that. Oh, you get a barbarian point. Oh, thank you. You turn around and wave like a little stinker while synths kick in. And, yeah, you get another barbarian point because that is the freeze frame. I slap my forehead and say, oh brother, just as I freeze. And you get a barbarian point for that because you, right before that happens, you yell, Peter, like a Flintstones thing.

And then you start running him down. And that's how we end the movie. Amazing. Alright, finally, for one million barbarian points. Who wrote this movie? Now, you both might know the name. Sean, you definitely do. Oh.

Uh... Shane Black. God, somebody I definitely know. Uh... Imagine if Shane Black fucked up this badly. Like being, this is what I do, bitch. This is all that I do. And then he turned this in.

And I'm like, the fuck is going on? Uh, no. No, I'm, hold on, let me upload a file to our Discord chat here. Who actually wrote this movie is Hollywood Himbo Kurt Wimmer, most famous for equilibrium. Oh, that's amazing. Sure. That's lucky. And he looks, he looks like that.

The guy that looks like that wrote this as his movie. He'd be a good Encino man. He's got a real, like, hospitalopithecus thing to him. Yeah, he's got some real dog grooves. Real hunky caveman. That fuckable caveman. Yeah. Totally.

Uh, yeah, he wrote this. He wrote Point Break. He wrote Equilibrium. He wrote the Total Recall reboot. Uh, the Point Break reboot, it should be said, not the good one. Okay. Uh, he wrote the Amazing Ultra Violet. And this was his first script.

This is why we have Kurt Wimmer. And thank God we have Kurt Wimmer. Yeah. Equal. Can I read you some real quick Kurt Wimmer quotes? Sure. I'd love nothing more. Uh, he had just dropped out of art school.

Dissolution because everyone there thought they were an artist. He came to hate art, and then he wrote Equilibrium. And that's what Equilibrium was about. One beautiful, harmless Dope's return to liking art. Here's how he explains it. And this did show up in another of our very early podcasts, but I love it so much. He says, On Writing Equilibrium. Then I started writing the Thomas Crown Affair, which is about a man who was extremely passionate about art.

And in doing so, I found myself visiting a lot of museums for research and reviewing a lot of the stuff I'd learned in school. I was just blown away by how good some of the stuff was. I had really talked myself into believing it was all shit. It was a complete awakening for me. Art. Oh, no. I was just blown away by how good some of the stuff was.

Some of the stuff in museums, real good stuff in there. Those masters. They did what they was doing. In response to the critical reception of Equilibrium, Wimmer said, Why would I make a movie for someone I don't want to hang out with? Have you ever met a critic you didn't want to party with? I haven't. Wait, there's too many negatives there.

Is he saying he wants to party with the critics? Sounds like. I think he's trying to say in a very smart way, I don't want to party with critics. Therefore, I made a movie for people who like to party. gern Mike Dicca here. My perverse kid is a kid who, isn't aicial hair kid on the Block,

because everybody wants to be accepted. a smith, and a Grubowski has to, is a bad guy a little bit, but not a bad guy, a Grubowski has to work a little bit harder, it's the American Dream. Here are the most supreme Grubowskies I know. Freefinger Loewe Grubowski, Aaron Crossden is one hell of a Grubowski, Adrian H Grubowski, the H stands for Grubowski, Aiden Moek Grubowski, Alpha Scientist Javo Grubowski, Andreas Larsen is so Grubowski it has become a problem with friends and loved ones. Armando Nava Grubowski, Benjamin Cyronen Grubowski, Bim Talzer Grubowski, Brandon

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again, Ozzie Olin Grubowski, Patrick Herbst Grubowski, Rain Vargas Grubowski, the Grubowski is Grubowski, Rhiannon Grubowski, Rich Jocelyn Grubowski, Sarkovsky Grubowski, who was already part Grubowski, the ski part, Toasty God Grubowski, Tom Sakula Grubowski, Tommy G Grubowski and the G stands for Good, Yossarian Grubowski and Timmy Lehi Smith. You know what that means Grubowskis, this man is a natural born enemy of Grubowskis everywhere, I declare a Grubowski holy war, every true and faithful Grubowski must pick up axe and flame and take to the streets to, no get off me, no corner of this earth can be rendered safe for a smithler, I will not take this through, I have justice on my side.

You can't silence the Grubowskis, we are legend, we are Grubowski, we will have our revenge.