The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - Dogg Zzone 9000 - Episode 70, The Grabowski Shuffle With Ty Franck

Episode Date: April 20, 2022

Seanbaby recruits Brockway and special guest Ty Franck, co-author of The Expanse, to talk about Mike Ditka's The Grabowski Shuffle. What is The Grabowski Shuffle? We're glad you asked. ... You will not find answers here.

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I'm the internet's widely regarded. Sean baby and my partner is Robert. A Brockway. Brockway. I'm Robert Brockway. Here's a Brockway fact at Emerald City Comic Con 2017. I stole something from Todd McFarland that he can never get back.

No follow up questions. Was it his virginity? No follow up questions. I can't answer that legally. I cannot answer that. Well, it is a star stud a day on the dog zone because we have one half of James S. He's a Corey author of the Expanse series and host of

the tie in that guy podcast. He's a Hugo and other award winner. Ty Frank. Hey. Hi. How's it going? All right. You don't you don't need a big intro when somebody does a

big intro for you. Now I need all the intro I can get. There's a lot of intro to give you. You've been. You did a great job writing the words. Yeah. I love writing my own interest, including at least three lies. What lies should I have included?

We can totally re-record it. I'm 11 feet tall. That's not a lie. The younger brother of Jason Momoa. Not a lie, madam. Yeah. Yeah. Together they're 14 feet tall.

Yeah. That's right. And they do stack. They stack frequently. You've got to watch out for it. It's a power attack. And one time I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die. That was you including lies.

What is this? Yeah. All these, all these are true facts. We looked up. Do you have anything you'd like to plug? I plugged the expense. Of course. Everyone knows the expense.

The books, the TV show, all six seasons on Amazon.com. Ty and that guy podcast. Is there something else? Somewhere else people can go to learn more about you and your footedness. No, I, I, I have. I have achieved all of the things that I needed to achieve and I am retiring for public life.

So. Fantastic. I've just done, I'd like to plug being done. Yeah. I'd like to plug leave me alone. Everybody. Yeah. I mostly now.

I built myself a very fancy screening room in my basement and I mostly sit in it and watch terrible horror movies from the 80s or play video games on my PlayStation. Oh, that's the dream. Wait, I do that. Did you watch the Grubowski shuffle on it? Of course I did. I immediately had a long conversation with Brockway about that.

That was like weeks ago when I was supposed to do this the first time. If you, how could you possibly keep the Grubowski shuffle in your head for that long? It's just it aggressively tries to escape your head. Really? No, it's the only thing I think about now. It haunts my dreams. Yeah.

So you're an expert on, I'd say speculative science and a renowned sci-fi fantasy writer. So it's very lucky that we have you to discuss the 1987 direct to retail music video, the Grubowski shuffle by Chicago Bears coach Mike Ditka and very literal nobodies. So without putting too much pressure on you, award-winning author and professional podcaster, are you able to communicate what the fuck the Grubowski shuffle is?

That is the most pressure I've ever heard you put on. I've never asked a harder question in my life. It is. If you took everything that's wrong with Chicago and boiled it down to its essence and squeezed it through the sweaty pores of Mike Ditka, that is what the Grubowski shuffle is. You could really see those pores on that big screen. Oh, yeah.

You watched Grubowski shuffle just pour out of that man. Yeah. No, I would say that he dripped with Grubowski shuffle by the end. Self-lubricating Ditka. Oh my God, that's amazing. You could have sold that in the 80s and made a million dollars. I'll sell it now. Grubowski lubricant?

No, self-lubricating Ditka. Self-lubricating Ditkas. No, it's amazing. I vaguely remembered that thing existed. And then when Brockway sent it to me, he was like, you have to watch this for the podcast that you're going to fail to show up for. And I watched it. And I just remember being like, oh, yeah, I remember hearing something about

this and thinking it was going to be terrible because it's an old white guy in Chicago rapping, which is no combination of things that should ever exist. Yeah. Even at the time they should have known. Even at the time. And watching it and being this is actually worse than what I thought it was going to be.

Like somehow it was worse. It's such a jumble. He did not go into this with a clear idea and at no point did anybody request that he clarify. They were just like, yeah, whatever, whatever you want to do. Whatever fucking fever dream this is. I need you to stop talking to me and just go film it. You can have $4,000 for it.

Like, OK, looking back on it now, the Super Bowl shuffle was terrible. But at least the people doing it had won a Super Bowl, right? Yeah. So they were like sports superstars. Yeah. So like there was a reason for people to watch it. They go, oh, I remember these people. They won a Super Bowl.

Let me watch them embarrass themselves on camera. Right. I get that. Yeah, I get that. The Grubowski shuffle is like. It's like it's like he's like, hey, I remember rapping with people and other people seem to like it. I don't understand either of those things.

So let's do it again. Right. Like he tried to pull apart that moment. It was like a celebration of a monumental moment. It had like a team on top of the world. They were kind of adorably failing to like try their hand at a trendy music thing. Yeah.

Mike Dicca saw all of that and he like tried to pull it apart. Like he wrote every element of this success on a note card and spread it out on a cork board and was like, I'm going to crack this. And what he came away with was people really like the word shuffle. I see maybe I'm more cynical, but I think it was driven by raw capitalism and like the full abyss of its madness is hard to describe. But basically did Cassel that theoretical money of the Super Bowl shuffle go to waste on charity and thought, what if exactly that again, but not anything?

And I keep all the money. Yeah. That was definitely a huge part of it too. Yes. What if it's not for charity is my favorite question that somebody asks. What if we did this again, but not for charity? Right. So Dicca was a Super Bowl winning football coach and a former NFL player.

Was he that hard up for cash? He put his name on literally anything. He is just the living embodiment of like naked capitalism. He had sell boner pills and like any freeze and I'm not making those up. Those are real Dicca products. Self lubricating Diccas. There's a self lubricating Dicca. The Grubowski tummy lubricant penguin slide.

So, yeah, I don't know. I don't know how this, why anyone allowed it. I have a lot of strange statistics about the Super Bowl shuffle itself. I wanted to share just to kind of help you get in the frame of mind. So let's see. In Super Bowl shuffle, the proceeds went to quote, help feed Chicago's neediest families, which should sound suspicious. A non specific charity is always a little suspicious,

but this was eventually revealed to be the Chicago community trust. And about 50% of the profits went to them. $300,000 were given to the Chicago community trust of the Super Bowl shuffle proceeds. So $300,000 wasn't really accounted for. Are we doing journalism? What just happened? I did just a little bit of journalism. Just so we have these numbers in our head when we talk about the Grubowski shuffle.

So we Super Bowl shuffle made $600,000. Half of it went to the community trust and the half disappeared. And in 2014, six of the players filed a lawsuit to make sure the money actually went to charity because that is good for them. In the actual song, if you remember Walter Payton's part of the rap, he said, we're not doing this because we're greedy. The bears are doing it to feed the needy. And I apologize if I rap better than Walter Payton.

Yes. He also said they ran the football like he fucked. So maybe that wasn't true either. I don't remember that line. I don't remember. I run the football like I fuck. The calm sweetness. I love to dance running the ball just like a making romance.

I don't know. A lot of people know things. I remember. Again, just shaming him with your flow. God, it was sick. Wasn't it? It was. So the director took the rights in 1986, which he apparently wasn't supposed to be able to

do without majority consent from the players. Then he died and his wife inherited the Super Bowl shuffle and did not carry on its legacy. I didn't realize that was the thing you could inherit. You could inherit a meme. It's legacy of not enough, but at least some charity she did not honor. So she sued Viacom for playing the video on MTV and VH1, something that seems suspiciously non-charitable because she claimed the video was up for a 25-year anniversary like re-release and then playing the video on TV undermined its potential sales.

Keep in mind, there was just a 20th anniversary DVD. So she thought this was like, there's a whole bunch of brand new 1985 Bears fans that were created in the last five years. You don't celebrate its release every five years? You don't celebrate Super Bowl Shuffle Day? I buy one every time someone from the defensive line dies of tragic causes. That's just the way I buy my Super Bowl Shuffles. Yeah, it's every five years.

So I was looking up to see if that ever got resolved and I found another lawsuit in 2018 where the original production company was suing Fox for a million dollars for broadcasting the Super Bowl Shuffle, which really drives home how no one should ever do or make anything. Because that's, if you remember, $400,000 more than it made ever. And 700,000 more than the charity got. Yes. So I don't know where they get these numbers. Because say that goes well and they win and maybe they already did.

That's almost twice what it made from being a once in a lifetime commercial phenomenon. Like there will never be another Super Bowl Shuffle. So anyway, the Grubowski Shuffle is based on that, but for nobody special. Like very deliberately no one special. Like what if that, but about nothing? I guess I remember in third grade, the dumbest kid in my class, we were making cards for Grandparents Day and he raised his hand to say, how come there's not a grandkids day? And you probably know what the teacher told him.

I think it's what you tell every piece of shit that asks that you say every day is grandkids day. And so I guess I feel like this is Coach Didka being the dumbest kid for my third grade class. Like how come there's no Super Bowl Shuffle for me? Well, I'm the key element that really tied that all together. Right. So that was it. I just wanted to give the background and obviously, you know, show off how good I am at journalism. Pretty good.

And for the listeners at home that still aren't totally clear what the Grubowski Shuffle is. Yeah, they never will be. Yeah. So it opens with a 20 minute making of video because that's how the Super Bowl Shuffle opened. So they're like, we're going to do everything exactly the same. And Coach Didka tries to explain this. I love his explanation. Are you going to read it?

You have to read it. I do have a clip. I'll just roll the clip. Just roll it. Well, I guess originally I thought, you know, that I think everybody wants to be the fair-haired kid on the block. And I just felt that we weren't the fair-haired kid on the block. We were the guys that had to work a little bit harder to get everything we got. Nothing seemed to be coming real easy.

We had to overcome some obstacles. And I kind of liked that. That was a work ethic to me. That was why I called us the Grubowskis and the Good Guys of Smiths. And maybe I wanted us to be the bad guy a little bit. But in real meaning, Grubowski doesn't mean bad guy. It means hard workers get added to a person who gets knocked down and gets backed up. To me, it's the American dream.

It's what it's all about. It's the guy who struggles a little bit, but overcomes it and makes things happen. So that was it. There's another, like, little bit that he... It's a few minutes that it's cut out, but then he goes on to say, football teams out there in their pristine white uniforms, real sterile and they look real cute. Well, you look at the teams that go out there and get down the dirt, grovel, sweat and get a little bit extra. But hey, they're Grubowskis.

At no point did he come close to explaining what his own idea was. And this is how they open. So, yep. So this whole Grubowski thing and the Chicago connection. So one of my closest friends and somebody I've worked with for years is a gentleman of Polish descent from Chicago. And every time I think about or watch the Grubowskis, I feel like I should be offended on his behalf. Right? It's doing something.

It's doing something. Yeah. It feels like it is grabbing the sort of Polish, Chicago Polish immigrant dock worker idea and turning it into this horrible, cheesy, commercialized thing. Yes. Racism is not the word for it, but it's... Immigrant Mickey Mouse Club, maybe. Okay.

Yeah. Yeah. A little bit. Every time I think about this, I'm like, Dan should be offended by this. Dan, you should be offended by this. Did you check with him? I'm going to, as soon as we get off of here, I am going to call him and go, Dan, are you offended by the Grubowskis? And because I know Dan, he's going to be like, what the fuck are you talking about?

Stop calling me. It would take you an hour and a half to explain what you are talking about. And it would never work. You would never get there. No, I'll just link him to this podcast when it comes out. And it still won't work. We're not going to get there. I do love how he makes fun of football teams that like run passing plays.

Like he's all those fucking piece of shit teams running the passing plays. They're not like the Grubowskis. They're afraid to get tackled and falling around. Well, okay. Like I think we all know that throwing the football is for the gays. I think we all know. Absolutely. Yeah.

Yeah. And the Grubowskis are not about that. Real man just takes a tackle over and over again until he can't remember his wife's name. They grab each other in the mud. They get down in the mud. They 69. They penetrate each other in the dirt. And that's where the self lubricating Ditka comes in.

Mike Ditka here, everybody. But this man was a professional communicator. Like he's a fucking successful NFL coach and he cannot get this. Well, this guy has to get what? Two offensive coordinators and a defensive coordinator together and 40 players and like. In the realm of sports specifically, I guess you're right. You are. You are correct.

I'll give you this for the sake of. I feel like getting a clear idea across is something he does for a living. And I've never seen a more confusing speech. He's just like, I want to be a good guy, but also the bad guy. But when I say a bad guy, I don't mean like a bad guy, bad guy. You're like, he doesn't introduce who the Grubowski's are, which is right. Or what they represent. And then he introduces a good guy that are the Smiths, but we're not the bad.

Let's just. We do not make an appearance in this video. They whatever the Smiths were got completely cut. That was their reference, whatever the Smiths are. That is your only left side story thing, maybe. But no, they're just not there. I feel a little hypocritical saying this as I sit here drinking a beer during this podcast. But is it possible he was just super drunk?

Like, I assume he kind of always was, especially in that era. Like Mike Ditka is never not six beers deep. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, like you talk about, you know, some of the great football players of the past and their crazy behavior. And the answer always is either they were drunk all the time or they were super high on cocaine.

I don't know. Okay. Don't seem like a cocaine idea. Yeah. This is a Milwaukee's best. Yeah. This is much more of a beer idea. Like maybe you're at the bar with your friends and you're like 15 pitchers into this thing

and somebody goes to Grubowski's and everybody goes, such a good idea. And then the next day they all forget that they came up with it when they were drunk and they go and make a video the next day. He has to wake up and look at his hand and it says Grubowski on it. And somebody calls them. It's like, we're filming in five minutes. Yeah. You better get over here.

This is the speech that results from that. To me, it's the American dream. It's the guy who struggles a little bit but makes things happen. I don't know what I'm doing, guys. I just need a bowl of uncooked beer and cheese soup. Get me going. I'll be right there. Eight keel bosses.

That's my morning food. We just got to work through this. So they hold auditions at the Riviera in Chicago. And they do this long casting call and everyone goes up to the camera and introduces themselves and adds the last name Grubowski, which is cult-like and insane and hilarious. It's a good mix of people from Bears fans to people with nothing better to do, to a large number of young women who were pretty clearly trained dancers. I don't necessarily mean strippers, me probably, but during the rehearsal shots,

there are people who are crushing it, adding flair and signature style to the moves. And then there's just like chubby middle-aged guys just aping through the choreography. And guess who makes it through? Yes, all middle-aged guys. I think that's what they wanted. I mean, it'd be weird if they were like, hey, here's the everyday Chicago hard workers and it's three musical theater majors and two strippers. So oddly enough, these are song and dance auditions for people who are bad but bad in the right way.

So it's a difficult casting call. Which they can never fully define, though they attempt many times to explain what we're looking for and why, and you can see it every time they go through this casting call. Real short-fire clips talking to somebody like, what are you here for? I don't know, but I'm pumped. They never really clear on why they're here or what the criteria is. There's one where they cut to a lady that had been rejected in the first round and they do a slow zoom on her face and she just looks so sad, but also never clear why.

She knows she failed. But she could have failed for being too good. Probably did fail for being too good. If you're not capable of being a Grubowski, that says something about your failings in life. That's Smith dancing. You nailed every step and you're pristine white suit, afraid to get down the dirt like a Grubowski. Like a Grubowski? Look at this guy.

He fell off the stage. He's getting slop. That's a Grubowski. Running a pass and play like a Froot Loop. So have you guys ever seen WB Superstar? It was a 2004 reality show? No. It was the premise of it.

It was like American Idol, but they found people who were delusional and terrible at singing and then ran them through the entire season of American Idol where they were just being constantly humiliated against their knowledge. And as novelists of potential dark futures, do you see what the potential problem with that was? Created mass shooters? Well, there's just the end. There's no ending. So they get to the end of that.

The reason why we're suffering through a mass shooting plague that will never end? Is that that? The humiliation fetish of the early 2000s probably did not help that. But they got to the end of the show and they're like, hey, you won. And we've been making fun of you the whole time. Fuck you. I feel like that's similar to the Grubowskis where they're like, hey, we need the worst dancers. Oh my God, now we have to produce a music video with the worst dancers and rappers.

Yeah, they got their wish. I love that they did 20 minutes of like making of and then the 10 minute video. You're like, oh, right. You can see them realize. So we didn't think this through. Well, I mean, as somebody who has made a TV show, I will say that doing the making of video before you show people the show, not a great idea. Let people watch the show and then say, here's how we made this show.

And the people who are interested in that, the seven people who are interested in the making of can stay and watch that. When you start out with the making of most people don't give a shit about how things are made. And so most of your audience is already lost and you're showing people being bad dancers and the recruitment process, which as you pointed out is very cult like already everyone is turned off. Like if, OK, if you start out with, we're going to give you a kill bossa.

Here's a 20 minute video on how kill bossa is made. Most people are not staying for the kill bossa. Right. They've already left. So they show us 20 minutes of how this kill bossa is made. And then they say, would you like to eat this kill bossa? And we're already grossed out by that point. So when they're doing the dance and this, and you know, the, and I say this is a guy who's

not in great shape. People in not great shape are flinging their flab around. We're already grossed out. We're not ready. We don't want to eat that kill bossa anymore. Yeah. I mean, all the poor castles that go into the Grubowski shuffle. Right.

Thank you. I appreciate the analogy being translated into Grubowski, too. That was a very appropriate analogy. That's something that was one of the two things they would understand. Dude, I came ready to play this game. I'm not a fucking amateur. All right. Professional Grubowski hour.

You're the best there is. The only one that's unprepared. Sean's over here bringing journalism. Yeah. What the hell, man? Taylor metaphor is prepared. I have a little more journalism at the end, but I promise it's not that much. Um, they narrow it down to nine people and then they have a dark shadow

council ask them like probing personal questions. It's so fucking weird. I have such a turn in tone. Yeah. Do you like being a cop? It's tough to be a cop. It is. It's a hard job.

You look like a cop. You ever killed anybody? No. Jesus Christ. You're worried about this, Jason? I'm worried. What would it mean to you to become a Grubowski? I'd have to stop calling people.

It means me to become something. What makes you think you qualify to be a Grubowski? I've never gotten knocked down far enough that I can't pick myself up or have somebody help me. Amazing. All of their answers based on not understanding what it is. Why do you want to be a Grubowski? Hey, can you tell me what that is?

Oh, answer the question. Well, I mean, based on that guy, I'd be like, uh, before we tell you, do you have a gun on you right now, sir? It's such a wild shift in tone. Everything up to that point has been like light and laughter and like goofy auditions. And then they drop the stage lights. It's just a single spotlight.

And they pick like one single person and send everybody else out of the room. And it's just you and like an unseen producer with, I swear to God, that's a voice filter or he's doing something with his voice. Yeah. That is just like... How much blood do you have on your hands, Grubowski? Don't kill anybody. You feel like you maybe want to.

What would you do if I gave you a pistol right now? Are you ready to pull the trigger for Grubowski? You come upon a corpus in the desert. Going back to the whole cult thing, which by the way, great, great analysis of this, that there's so much about this that feels like a cult indoctrination. It really does... I could have made it more Grubowski.

It's like a Kielbasa factory. I'm going to leave Kielbasa in there because that's a very take away to say it. You missed your chance to be on theme. Don't try it out. It's just embarrassing. No, stumbling over a word and making a bad analogy. That's Grubowski, baby. Yeah.

It is pretty Grubowski how I fucked it up. No, no, what's Grubowski is now you're going to pull yourself out of the mud and you're going to be great. So now you need to take your shirt off and dance around for us. Going back to the task. I want to talk about the cult thing here because the whole cult thing where like, I assume both of you guys are Scientologists because you work in entertainment. The whole Scientologist thing where they bring you in and they ask you a bunch of very personal questions

while you're on the lie detector machine or whatever the fuck they have. The tick measure. Yeah, the tick measure. That's a very common cult technique of getting you to feel bad about yourself and expose things about yourself like your tiny dick. And then that gets you all in. Like the fact that they sit these people down under a spotlight and ask them questions about what's the worst moment in their life?

Are you qualified to be in our terrible video? Have you ever murdered someone? Literally ask those questions. Those questions. The next thing that happens is here's your white robe. Here's the leader. You got to go in the back room and suck his dick. Right.

I mean, that is the next thing that happens in that line of questioning. I heard Valerie's verse on the Grubowski shuffle. I think you're on to something. Valerie's answer was like, what makes you qualified to be a Grubowski? And she says, I've never been knocked down so far. I couldn't get back up or ask for help. And then she kind of just shrugs like, what the fuck? I don't know.

She does this head tilt like, wait, what the fuck was that? Should I? No, it's fine. It was relatable. It's very much. And you're like, wait, hold on. What? It's out there.

I haven't been killed yet. I'm not dead yet, is basically all she said. Now, would it blow your mind to discover that Valerie was the director's daughter? Yes. Yes. It's true. That's another part of my journalism. That's his fucking daughter.

Nepotism involved in the Grubowski? That's not Grubowski. That's a Smith move. There's a tiny hint of it. I mean, they have the same last name, Meyer, but like there's a hint of it when he's calling a second day of auditions. And when he gets to her, he's like Valerie Meyer, like he's like, sweetheart. I mean, I mean, stranger, Valerie Meyer.

Wait, no, it's normal for me to call you sweetheart in this scenario. That's true. 1987 Chicago. You're going to call it Stranger Things. Yeah. The other thing I noticed when I, I've watched this like three times now and I was, you know, taking clips to make GIFs and stuff. I noticed that there's not a scene that goes by without someone like touching her.

I took one clip because I really liked the way Jason would like pump his dick while he sang. He just couldn't stop pelvic thrusting. That's a good dance. That's my one dance move. It's so good. Helps you keep rhythm. It shows him what you can do.

That's a point of dancing. Let's just get to it. So I took a clip of that to make fun of specifically that. And I saw like on the tail end of it and in front of it, they were just, she was just bouncing around the room, trying not to get touched by all the other men in the room. They did not make it. I just didn't even notice it the first time through. It's just like, oh, this is just normal.

And I'm like, oh my God, look at this woman. Just try to navigate a normal day for her. And I thought, man, it's gotta, it's gotta suck to be a 1987 Lady Grubowski. Well, but, but she's a Grubowski. She's never been so sexually aggressively harassed that she couldn't pick herself back up. And that's what makes, that's what makes a female Grubowski. It's the one definition that they require of a woman in a Grubowski video.

So it's accurate. This is all very dark. This is super dark. It's getting dark. I thought it was also dark when they asked the black guy, what's the worst thing that ever happened to you? Right. There's no way they would compare it to that answer.

Yeah. Like do not answer that honestly, sir. Please. Motherfucking want me to say that on this, on this novelty video. But the fact that she's his daughter, that's, that's like Bo and John Derrick level of creepy. Right. I agree. Yeah.

It's like, Hey, Bo, my loving wife. How about I put you in a bunch of real exploitive sex videos for the next 15 years? Yeah. Her, her verse actually had something about how she wanted Mike did. Could it be more than her friend? Oh my God. She had to sit on his knee twice throughout the video. A lot of physical escalation to the flirting.

You, you gave your daughter to Mike Ditka. Like, like a village would give an ogre a virgin. You just, you just gave her Ditka. I have a daughter for you to appease your wrath. So is that what Chicago was like in the eighties? I think so. Like if you had a daughter, you just had to present your daughter to Ditka. In the eighties.

Yeah. That was, that was the Ditka era. Just if you want the relish on your hot dog. So this seems very uncomfortable by design and dark in directions. No one could have anticipated. And it's a pretty big tone shift, like you mentioned. And then they do press conferences to reveal the five chosen people. And I have to ask 1987 media, who the fuck would care?

Like if you got a press release, Hey, don't coach Ditka found five. Nobody's. They're going to be a song and dance team about nothing in particular. Why the fuck are you sending a reporter to that? But they showed up. I don't know if there were plants or what, but there were reporters here. And I just, I love thinking about that. About why the reporters would be there.

Like how bad did you fuck up that you got this assignment? And like, how, what, what can you, what can you possibly ask on your little pad? Like that we hear a couple of their softball questions, but Sure. Or all of them, or all of them showed up with the headline in their head. All of fame coaches career ends in humiliation. Right.

Like that was the reason you're there is like the reason we go watch Nascar. We want to see somebody go into the wall. Right. They're all going there. Cause about to go into the wall. Let's watch it happen. And they're also playing at Koi with the details. Like it's a press conference, but he's like, Hey, we did auditions to find five

rapper singers. Here they are. No, they're not performing. This is all just for a weird thing. I can't tell you about. Bye. And then like Ditka specifically says it's their chance to get on MTV. And one of the reporters is like, Oh, okay.

So what is this? Like straight up. So what, why am I, what is this? And Ditka says, Oh, it's too good to let the cat out of the bag so soon. It's a press conference. Sorry. You called the press conference specifically to let this cat out of the bag. Yeah, it's weird.

The other thing that makes it weird is Jason solid. Grubowski, who is a weightlifting clerk. He's one of the most awkward people that's ever been put on television. I would say most people with this type of fear of public speaking would not get anywhere near a camera. So he's not been on TV a lot, but he's, he's like the real deal, like hard to the bone, nervous energy. I have a, let's see a press conference.

It's so good that you just don't want to, just don't want to leave the cat out of the bag too soon. Professional dance or singing experience? No. No. Unfortunately. I do. Just.

Gets a big laugh though. How do you describe Ditka's star quality? What we've seen so far is that he's one heck of a good rapper and he's got smoking feet. So that's all I can tell you right now. And you're just going to have to wait until it comes out to get the rest of it. Amazing. How would you describe Mike Ditka, sir?

Well, a fantastic rapper is number one. That is the first thing that pops to mind. Yeah. No, that, that is when I think of Ditka, I'm like, okay, you know, Snoop Dogg, Tupac, Chuck D Ditka. That is the, that is the holy quadrology of rap. Yeah. Hip hop royalty.

Yep. So they've just set it now on Larry and August and George and Valerie and Jason as the five Grubowski's. They've done a press conference. They've really got a taste of that Hollywood lifestyle and they start rehearsing. I would like to say that, that August is the cop that they asked if he ever murdered anybody on stage. They put him through.

And he was like, yes, this is for me. He had an aggressively aggressive lack of personality. Like. He hated being there. I don't know why he was there. He maintains that too. He is still around. I found him on the internet.

He's a right-wing politician with no supporters. No. Yeah. He has videos where he's just like reading from a paper. He's like, I'm pro life, pro gun. Fuck you if you don't like it. And like three views. And I think I'm two of them.

So that's, that's what he's up to now. So you went back and watched it twice. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Journalism. So then let's see. The shoot seems very grueling. Like, like this is not just a couple of hours of rehearsal.

They're sleeping over. They, the, one guy has his daughter there. He's like brushing her hair while some other guys passed out. Like they're all sharing a little tiny trailer. Yeah. They got them an RV, one RV for like, not only the cast, but their families. So there's like 18 people in this tiny RV.

Yeah. It's like his day with the kid, but he's not going to give up his fucking Grubowski shoot, his unpaid Grubowski shoot. They interview some guy who's like a crew member who's running on no sleep talking about like, I'm working on shot sheets. Like he's doing some real inside baseball stuff that I don't even recognize.

So he's just cranky so much that he can't even like put what he's doing into words for the layman. Like, so it's a really stressful shoot. And then they break all this up with a lot more Ditka filler. Like they just keep putting the camera on Mike Ditka while he tries to explain what the fuck is going on. And he just waffles back and forth between two extremes like, oh, it's good.

But it's also, I didn't want it to be good, but it was good because of the good people, but they're not best people. They're Grubowski's, which means they get down on the dirt. And you're like, okay, it just, he can't fucking figure out what it is. Remember that this is a 20 minute segment in the video. But remember that this is, I don't know, like two weeks of Mike Ditka's life.

And he spent the entire time, every time somebody talked to him about it, he spent the entire time trying to explain what it was. It just, I don't know, I can get there. I can get there eventually if you just give me time every single time. Like two straight weeks of his life. And he never did get there.

It's very clear that the, they spent money on some things. They hired a camera crew. They hired, you know, they hired location crew. They hired location crew. They, they built some sets. Special effects. They had special effects. Oh yeah.

One thing they didn't spend any money on was a writer. Yes. Like if you had gotten a writer, a lot of this could have been avoided. I agree. Or just anyone who'd seen a television show. I mean, it was Mike Ditka. It had like, what if, what if Mike Ditka didn't write all of

this? Like, what if he hired somebody? Imagine that world. That a professional writer like took several drafts at what we're watching. Even one draft of Ditka, you're going to get the question, what is this about? Here's a one paragraph explanation of what this is about.

Even a first draft of that would have saved the world so much of this tragedy. No, this is, this is two weeks of Mike Ditka improv. I guess this, at this point in the video, it's the song. They play the song finally. I didn't take any notes for this just because it's burned into my memory. Mike Ditka comes out to a football game, I guess at half

time, and he asks for volunteers. He's rapping at this point. He's asking for volunteers for an undisclosed group. He just wants a group of regular people. And he picks the biggest white guy and the worst white guy, both of whom are currently assaulting people in the crowd. They're both attacking people. And like the third guy is just yelling at somebody in the

crowd. The theme so far is if you're a fucking asshole in this crowd, I'm going to pick you out to do a rap about it. You mean a Bears fan? That's true. That's right. Eighties Bears fan. Yeah.

Come on. These are our people. Eighties Bears. Well, there is a Bears fan that's all over this VHS. His name is Kurt Schaefer Grubowski. You probably noticed him. He's a gigantic man with an unlit cigar. I'm done describing him.

He has a personality you'd describe as big, but also none. A kind of guy that would order the usual at a Hooters he's been to twice. So he didn't get picked to be a Grubowski, but he's an extra in this video at least two times that I saw. I looked through the crowds and a lot of the people in those crowd shots were cut from being Grubowskis. Yes.

So that they did not get it. And then they're like, but you can be an extra. Yes. I have to assume for no money. Absolutely. I can actually verify that they did not get paid. I can't verify that the Grubowskis got paid. I'm suspicious they did not.

I know that Ditka got some money, but the. Suspiciously. 100% did not. There's some other weird things that happen in the video. Like Jason solid, as I mentioned, he's assaulting somebody. It's a child. He picks up the child for like an ultimate warrior press slam.

And then Ditka's like, Hey, you and the kids like me. Hooray. And he's like, no, the one press slamming you. And then he's like, yes. And he kind of does like a coy little thank you. And then just drops the child to his death. Just. And then.

I do. I do love the, Hey, you and the kids excited. No, no. Totally. It's the, it's the you're our new fall out boy is what I'd be if you weren't one inch too short. Disappointed child. Are you my savior?

No. I'm the savior of your bully. Oh, everything's coming up for him. So then they, uh, they also get, I imagine Ditka would describe it as both kinds of ethnics and a woman. And so they're done. The gravaskis are done. Uh, they, they come down and they sort of line dance together.

Uh, and they sing basically the Super Bowl shuffle, except not about football, just about like, about shuffling hulka. Uh, a whole lot of nothing. Um, Surely you have a clip of it. Okay. I do.

I do actually have. Looking for special team. We're working hard. More than a drink. Yeah. What they say is what they do. But sometimes. But sometimes.

I can't believe how bad it is. This is what we spent two weeks and 20 minutes of video leading up to, you couldn't answer what this was in a press conference because it's too good. It's going to be promised all of the participants. This would be on MTV. About the same way. They also did so much choreography for this. They made these poor people do just grueling 12 hour days of choreography.

And then they cut to this dance routine and none of it works. They forgot all of it. It's totally important. It's almost funny. Like if you're trying to design like a funny bad choreography, they kind of nailed it. Like there's a lot of weird marching. This does feel like one of those things that winds up on VH1 behind the music

and starts with somebody crying. Yes. Yeah. I can't tell. Can you tell me about the Grubowski shuffle and then just. And they're just sobbing break. Yeah. This does feel like that moment.

So I have, I had many conversations. So as a writer, the great thing about being a writer and you guys know this as writers is that nobody gives a shit what you look like. Right? You're just, you're, you write some words. Nobody cares. That's. But we all handsome just so the ladies know.

Yeah. See, I think it's hurtful that nobody gives a shit what I can't handsome and just shred it. Just super cut. Yeah. I mean, we posed for entirely accurate sight art over and over again. Yeah. Yeah.

That's what, that's what I'm talking about. So the, like when I explain this to people is like, there's three, there's three circles on this Venn diagram. There's rich, there's famous and there's rich and famous. And the best of this is rich, but not famous. The right. The medium is rich and famous. Like if you're rich enough, you can avoid some of the horrors of being famous.

The worst is famous and not rich. And these people all signed up thinking, you know, it would be great if I was famous and had no money. Yeah. The worst case scenario, the worst case scenario. Yeah. So everybody's going to make fun of me in the bar forever after this. And I can't even buy drinks for them.

Right. Right. Because if you can buy everybody around. That's cool. That pulls you out of it. Right. Like everybody's like, Hey, there's that. You're like, Hey, rounds for everybody in the house.

And then everybody. Oh, it's that idiot. My favorite idiot. We love that guy. Yeah. When you can't even do that, when they're like, Hey, you were in that Grubowski thing. You can't even buy a severe.

And you're like, I literally have no money because I was fired from my job for being a Grubowski thing. They didn't pay me. I actually had to rent one 18th of an RV for a weekend. And it was wildly expensive. You would not believe how much RVs cost. And the two weeks I took learning the dancer team cost me my job. Had to pay for the choreography.

That's exactly what they'd say while they were crying. This is exactly what I'm talking about. Each one behind the music, the person is sobbing. They have no money. Their wife took their kids and they're blaming it all on Grubowski. Yep. Yep. And I learned, I found a Chicago reader article from 1987 that had a lot of

good Grubowski information. I learned the budget for this fucking thing was $350,000. No fucking way. And well, I mean, they had to rent out the Riviera. They had to rent out the football stadium. $300,000 went right, right to Ditka. Yeah, a lot of that went to Ditka. So to remind you, the Super Bowl shuffle, the lightning in a bottle fluke

for a noble cause backed by the full force of the media, fan enthusiasm and NFL marketing made $600,000. So in order to turn a single dime of profit, this piece of trash had to be at least 58% as successful as the most successful version of it that will ever be while being exactly the same thing, except having none of what made the other work. So those are the numbers. That's what Ditka is betting on.

Yeah. Did it make a profit? I need to know. I could not find those numbers. I looked everywhere. Now that's weird. I almost, I'm certain it made less than $350,000. Whatever Grubowski shuffle made was negative.

Why do you think you would know the numbers going into it? And then they wouldn't want to talk about the numbers coming out. This feels like a real failure of journalism. It really is. To not get those numbers. Yeah. But it made me so happy because so many of the things I own are just unreal mysteries. Like no one writing a Ninja book ever holds two different press conferences and gets

asked real questions by real reporters. I have to read a Ninja book and decide if this person's crazy or stupid or a liar or a real ninja every single time. But with the Grubowski shuffle, one of the strangest things I've ever seen, a legitimate truth seeker was there at the making of it, writing down all the dumb ass shit Mike did thought that no one would notice. So I have clips from this article I would love to read to you. Yes.

My God, yes. Explain it. I need fucking answers. This reporter showed up at the, the main shoot at the football stadium. What is he, did he find out about it from the press conference? They tried to punish him by sending him to like a joke thing. And he's like, I'm going to do a fucking story on this. Maybe so.

I don't know if he went to the other two press conferences, but what a state of media it was that you could like waste a reporter on a fucking Mike did press conference for his vanity project. Speaking of, this was his second vanity project. Before this, he did a thing called iron Mike, which was just like a rap song about how he's iron Mike. He really thought it could be a rapper, huh? There was this was like mid eighties, everybody, every single white person was like, so it's

just talking, huh? Right. I got this. So he went to the shoot. He writes it was seven a.m. and some folks like 16 year old Jason Jensen and his friend Todd Ellenberger 14 had been at the park since five. I thought there are going to be a thousand people here said Jensen. I thought we'd have to push our way through.

So already there's some shade being thrown on the event like the reporters like this sucks and nobody's here. Nobody came to this. He writes, Hey, anybody want to do the Gorbowsky cheer asked a perky blonde woman in shorts in a halter sitting on the steps off the bleachers. The score of extras in waiting grunted. It was really kind of cute. The woman offered someone pitched a ball of crumpled paper her way.

And though it landed six rows behind her, she turned around resigned to the humorless weight. He's just writing about fucking potato famine. The sadness he's put into this article. So finally, these people don't know what the Gorbowsky cheer is. You want to do the Gorbowsky cheer? We don't know why we're here. So this really does paint a picture.

Um, he says finally at eight a.m. This is three hours after most of these people have been here. The video's producer Dick Meyer, Valerie's father, appeared a trim six foot six. Meyer strolled across the field with every silver hair in place. His mustache was perfect. He wore a sky blue polo shirt, white linen pants and white shoes and carried a leather briefcase. In short, he was capital B beautiful.

God, I feel like they're describing me. Did he really write he was beautiful? My God. I added the capital B just to be clear. He said he was beautiful, but the beautiful is capitalized as if it's like, so you did not part of a race of people that is beautiful. I did not have in my notes that this was an exceptionally beautiful man. I would not have even occurred to me.

I he seemed. He seemed to three or four. I did have in my notes that one of the other producers was named Dick Tuffo. That's a Grubowski name. That's a Grubowski name. Dick Tuffo here. So the producer of the Grubowski shuffle is just this delicate little beautiful thing according to the writer of this.

And I feel like this is more shade. I feel like he's trying to make the point that like the theme of this, the tone of this thing where we're regular Joe's who try their best. And they're like, why is this little fancy boy putting it all together? Why is this enormous way fish angel gracing us with his presence? He came from my dream. You should be a hog, sir. You should be a grunting hog.

The reporter continues. This is about an attitude, he explained. It's a very strong concept. It's something Mike Didka himself started. It's about a work ethic working hard to get what you want, which is not a bad explanation of what Mike was trying to explain. He continues. There are a lot of Grubowskis in the world, especially in Chicago.

We think we'll get a really strong response to this. So he calls it a strong concept. I disagree with that. He thought they'd get a really strong response to it. I don't have to disagree with it. Objectively, they did not. So then here we go. They talk with Mitch Burke, who is Meyer's publicist, who the reporter describes as

sporting pearly teeth in a tan. Burke was beautiful too. Oh my God. He wore white shorts and a shirt opened several buttons. Was this reporter just super horny? God, this reporter just needed that deed. I hate all of them, but you cannot say they aren't beautiful. My God.

Yeah, this guy is on the prowl. Despicable people, but I would fuck every one of them. And you know what? If anyone, if anyone in the world got laid off of their Grubowski shuffle, then it justifies its existence. So anybody got laid off of this. I really hope it's that. I am with the reporter now.

The reporter is now my hero. So let's see. I'll skip ahead to this paragraph. Specifically, the five Grubowskis are George Arako, a 30 year old sewer worker who said that being a Grubowski is a natural extension of his life. I have a hard working attitude. If I have to dig a sewer hole, I dig it to the best of my abilities. Augie Douser, an ex-police officer who was amazed.

I have to dig a sewer hole. I love it. That's his technist. Technical speech. That's his terminology. Yeah. I dig sewer holes. Do you mean a sewer, sir?

Yeah, whatever. Yeah, sewer hole. You know me, I'm always in that sewer hole. I'll dig you a hole four people can shit in. Augie was amazed at his new career when told that Meyer had announced the Grubowskis were to be a permanent singing group with or without Ditka that would perform and record other songs. What?

They're catching these people off guard. You promised that they would like be a thing. No matter what, even if Ditka's not with you, you know, just wow. And that was news to the Grubowskis. So they actually did. I've gone through this whole thing with like, do they think this is a fun weekend that they will come to regret later? Or do they think this is like their shot?

Because I could never tell the vibe of this really. Oh, they were told that this was their shot. Yeah, they got a, I mean, I know that he pumped that up in the press conference with like, you're going to be on MTV. But again, like a one off thing could be on MTV, but they were like, no, this is your career now. You're a professional Grubowsky, whatever you were before, whoever that person was is dead.

And what you are now is a Grubowsky. Let's hope his sewer hole digging translates. Larry McDaniel, apparently the only one of the bunch with any real musical abilities. Jason Solid, unappropriately named 19 year old wall of muscle who happened onto the auditions by accident. This guy is so thirsty. He needs it. He needs that juicy man.

Yes, he does. God, I hope he got some. I hope he did. I hope they just went to town on this reporter and he went home with a big smile on his face. All three of them and Dick Toffo. Get Dick Toffo in there. I hope Mike, Mike Dica wrote a rap about it.

I'm Mike Dica. I watch them. Fuck. So he wants me the Jim McMahon of the Grubowskies. If you recall, he was the, the quarterback of the 85 bears. So he wants to be the mediocre quarterback who wins because of a great defense. Oh, the passing guy. I get it.

Yeah. I get what he's saying. Yeah. Yeah. And Valerie Meyer, the not too average daughter of producer Meyer. So that's how I discovered it. Not too average. Yeah.

Yeah. Her father is a fucking beautiful angel here to grace us with his presence. So, so every day that I have gotten in my life was because I walked up to a girl and said, Hey baby, you are not so average. God, that's a sweet talk. Yeah. Yeah. I really think that we know exactly the kind of person this reporter is attracted to.

And it's definitely not Valerie. That's definitely not Valerie. Nothing against her. I think she just doesn't have the right parts for him. So then he continues, this is not a bears project. Burke said, that's the, the publicist. You'll notice we didn't even say bears coach in our press releases. Just head coach.

He could be here next year or he could be elsewhere as we all know. It's about work ethics. It's about what makes America great. Mike Ditka just happens to be a celebrity who was in it. So Mike Ditka, to be clear, wraps probably 80% of the words in the least. He opens and closes the song. He has way more verses than everybody else. I feel like he's not called the bears coach because they didn't want to have to license

the trademark from the NFL. I feel like that's obvious. And they're trying to like trick this reporter who just isn't having it. I feel like in every vanity project, there's a moment where they have to stop and be like, here's why this isn't a vanity project. And that's, that's when you know it's a vanity project. Yep. Not coincidentally, the Grubowski Sheffa will make its debut in the record stores in mid-September

sometime around the bears first season game. It will be available as an EP and of course a video. We fully expect exposure on MTV, Burke said. So they talked now to the 14-year-old Todd Ellenberger, who usually listened to Poison and Motley Crue. They were commenting on the Grubowski Sheffa. It's okay, Jensen said. That's his friend.

It's kind of dumb, actually. Ellenberger confided. Well, we came out here because we're talking about not having anything to do today, said Jensen. Who's a big McMahon fan? You'd think they could pay us maybe 10 bucks or something, Ellenberger said. It's hot out here. In fact, only Ditka and the Grubowskis themselves are being paid for performances.

Meyer said the project has a $350,000 budget. According to one source, Ditka will get $10,000 a day for each day of shooting, plus a percentage of the profits. So I guess he got a percentage of negative $349,000. They had to take back all the money they paid him for being there. Nobody else, including the featured extras, which includes some former Honey Bears, the Bears Defunct Cheerleading Squad, will receive compensation. It's an opportunity for them to get exposure, Burke said with a smile.

Oh, I love working for exposure. Yeah, the best. Maybe the first, maybe the invention of that phrase. He might have done it. For Kurt Schaefer, a Grubowski reject who later landed a featured extra role with no pay, it's just a lark. It's a lot of fun, he said. It'll be a lot of grins this season to kick back, pop the video in and get riled up before

the Bears beat up on somebody. And what I love about this is Ty, you made this point that the video opens with just an extended making of that's completely necessary and ruins the whole experience. So when this guy puts in the tape, like that's a fucking bummer that he just killed the party. He had to watch himself. No, no, no. You do it. You do it like you do back in the VHS days with your favorite ones.

It's already forwarded. It's already fast forwarded to the good spot. You pop it in. It immediately goes right to the money shot. Yep. Tape suspiciously worn down everything after the making of. Yes. Yeah.

Dude, dude, I'm old enough to, I'm old enough to remember porn on VHS. So that's how you did it. You got that extra tracking scene when you found something real appealing. I'm old enough to remember gazing at a pantyhose egg and looking at that shape of a woman and being like, oh, I can, I can get it done with this. So the case of reporter continues. Dear God, I hope that goes on your tombstone. I can get it done with this.

John, baby. That, that definitely leads to your epitaph. Yeah. That's, that is grubbowski because a grubbowski gets the job done even when they don't have the right tools. Right. Exactly. Exactly.

The reporter says still that the Super Bowl shuffle was a smash is no guarantee of success. Did cause last video for a iron mic in which he outdid bears safety. Gary fence six Super Bowl shuffle performance was a commercial flop. So this reporter is filled with shade. He's just there for the luscious men. Yeah. And of which he found plenty. There's a lot there.

I honestly hope that guy absolutely scored with one or more people at this event. Somebody had to have a net positive out of this. And I hope it's the reporter who I'm assuming went back in the day. You had to go to journalism school do this job. So yeah, I hope that paid off. Yep. And if I was any kind of journalist, I would have found this reporter and given him the best hand job of his life.

The best thing about this is he said that to the publicist. He's like, Hey, iron mic sucked. Mike did good. Can't wrap. He's tried this already. And Meyer said, but that didn't have a strong concept. It's all in the concept, you know, which I think is incredible because of anything that's ever existed, the Grubowski shuffle might have the least coherent concept.

And. And you spent 20 minutes of video proving that. Yes. It has been proven. There's a thing in the after credits, like after the credits finish rolling, they cut back to Mike Dick. And here's how delusional he was about this phenomenon. He says, I think it could be a great thing to have fan clubs in every city.

I think it could come about. There could be conventions about it. I don't know. And if you have a convention, of course, you'd have to have the number one Grubowski there and he points to himself. Yeah. Yeah, I guess we didn't mention this, but the video shows them doing the Grubowski shuffle and then it transitions to them doing dinner theater and then it transitions into them

like playing it to a stadium with terrible special effects. Yeah. Green screened. I believe the green screened Mike. Mike did cut there like he couldn't show up. I don't think he was there for that shoot. They couldn't afford the $10,000 daily shoot. And then I then it like shoots into space, the one place that hasn't been corrupted

by capitalism. So there's one last quote from this article I wanted to share. Finally, around one after all the Grubowskis had been featured before the television cameras, except for WGNs, which never showed, Burke escorted the last reporter off the field. I hope you understand my position. He explained a furrowed brow showing his concern. I don't run the show here. You wouldn't believe how many people have been yelling at me all day.

I tried to get dead kid to come out, but I guess nobody told them there would be press here and he's really pissed about it now. I mean, I understand the media's needs, but there's nothing I can do about it. Profits from the Grubowski shuffle. Unlike Myers last hit, the Super Bowl shuffle will not go to charity. We gave at the office, Meyer said with a wink. Oh, wow. Oh, that's some villain shit to end on.

Fucking villain shit. Damn, I gotta say, for this being a nothing story, that reporter really, he really got it done. He got it done. He got laid like seven times. He wrote one hell of a piece. God, I hope so. Like I just, I want to believe that the great positive that came from the Grubowski shuffle

is one thirsty Chicago reporter definitely got laid in a bathroom on the park. That's what I want to believe is true. Probably by the cop. And that cop has said he never killed a man. So, you know, he's one of the good ones. So that handjob was clean. No blood on that handjob. Hunter, shit in the hounds out, do yourunnest stunder.

Cops are, you kids didn't know man. My dick here, Gorbowski is a kid who isn't a fair-haired kid on the block because everybody wants to be that kid. That's a smith. And a Gorbowski has to, is a bad guy a little bit, but not a bad guy. Gorbowski has to work a little bit harder. It's the American dream. Here are the most supreme Gorbowskis I know. Freefinger Loewe Gorbowski. Aaron Crosston is one hell of a Gorbowski. Adrian H. Gorbowski. The H stands for Gorbowski. Aidan Moewe Gorbowski. Alpha scientist Javo Gorbowski. Andreas Larsen is so Gorbowski it has become a problem with friends and loved ones. Armando Nava Gorbowski. Benjamin Cyronen Gorbowski.

Bim Talzer Gorbowski. Brandon Garlock Gorbowski. Brian Saylor Gorbowski. Breanne Whitney Gorbowski. Brockway loves the meat milling Gorbowski. Junior. Cyril The Grab Gorbowski. Rev Gorbowski. The Gorbowski mechanic. Chase McPherson Gorbowski. Chris Brower The Power Gorbowski. Curious glare Gorbowski. Dan B. A Gorbowski tonight. Dean Costello Gorbowski. Donald Finney Gorbowski. Dr. Awkward Gorbowski by family doctor and personal Gorbowski. Eric Spaulding Gorbowski. Fancy Shark Gorbowski. Jell-O-Ho Gorbowski. Ham Bone Gorbowski. Haraka Gorbowski. Hot Fart Gorbowski. A Gorbowski is kind of a fart in an elevator of society, you know? Javer L. Aiden Gorbowski. John Dean Gorbowski. John McCammon Gorbowski. John Minkoff Gorbowski.

The Gorbowski weapons master. Josh S. Gorbowski. Ken Paisley Gorbowski. K&M Gorbowski and that stands for Killer New Mother Father Gorbowski. A Gorbowski doesn't swear but he lets you know when he wanted to. Laziest man on Mars Gorbowski. The hardest work in Gorbowski. Mark Gorbowski. The laziest Gorbowski. Matt Riley Gorbowski. Michael Lair Gorbowski and Michael Wells Gorbowski. We call them the Mike Gorbowski brothers. They are not brothers. Mike Stiles Gorbowski. Mojo Gorbowski. N. D. Gorbowski and that stands for No-Duh Gorbowski. They're the Sassy Gorbowski. Neil Bailey Gorbowski. Neil Schaefer Gorbowski. Nick Ralston Gorbowski. Nick H. Gorbowski and the H stands for Grobowski again. Ozie Olin Gorbowski. Patrick Herbst Gorbowski. Rain Vargas

Gorbowski. The Gorbowski is Gorbowski. Rhiannon Gorbowski. Rich Jocelyn Gorbowski. Sarkovsky Gorbowski who was already Park Gorbowski. The ski park. Toasty God Gorbowski. Tom Sakula Gorbowski. Tommy G. Gorbowski and the G stands for Good. Yossarian Gorbowski and Timmy Lehi Smith. You know what that means, Gorbowskis. This man is a natural born enemy of Gorbowskis everywhere. I declare a Gorbowski holy war. Every true and faithful Gorbowski must pick up, axe and flame and take to the streets. No, get off me. No corner of this earth can be rendered safe for a smithler. I will not take this through. I have justice on my side. You can't silence the Gorbowskis. We are legend. We are Gorbowski. We will have our revenge.