The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - Dogg Zzone 9000 - Episode 77, Dumber Than Real with Hana Michels!

Episode Date: June 8, 2022

Seanbaby puts on his best navy blazer and crash helmet to host an episode of Dumber than Real -- the only trivia game where you won't learn anything! Brockway and special guest Hana Michels square off in a game where anything goes, so long as it's stupid. Or dumb!

One nine hundred hot dog. One nine hundred hot dog. Our podcast slams with maximum hype. Say hot dog podcast work. Yeah. When you taste that nitrate power, you're in the dog zone for an hour. Come on.

You know the number. One nine hundred. One nine hundred hot dog. One nine zero zero. One nine hundred hot dog. One nine hundred. One nine hundred hot dog. One nine zero zero zero.

Yeah. Nine thousand. Welcome to the dog zone. Nine thousand, the weekly podcast for one nine hundred hot dog dot com. The last comedy website. Support us and our talented, well-paid contributors on Patreon.

I'm longtime internet standout Sean Baby, and my co-host is the author of Carrier Wave. And a carrier of a friendly wave, Robert Brockway. Well, hello. Can you hear it? Can you hear the friendly wave? It's coming through clear.

I got a Brockway fact for you. My name is on a monster truck. No follow up. Is that the monster truck gong? Oh, we do have a monster truck gong. Finally broke out the monster truck gong. Our guest is a one nine hundred hot dog favorite who sells jokes, art, and life advice.

We're happy to welcome back the unwranglable chaos pixie, Hannah Michaels. Oh, thank you. Thanks for having me. It's a pleasure to have you back. Can I have her intro? Can I just, can we both be unwranglable? You'd have to give her ownership of your

novel carrier wave for it to work. That might be worth it. Can I have the monster truck? I'll take that. I'll give you the monster truck gong. It's the best I can do today. I do not own the monster truck. Shit, that was a follow up question.

Oh, she's so good. She's so good. I'm on the run already. Tricked you out of it. Hey, Hannah, what are you working on these days? I'd like to pretend it's, it's comedy. Um, that is currently out of my hands. There are things that have been written

that may be seen someday. Okay. That's promising news, I guess. Maybe. I don't know. So cool. Damn, that's cool. It's not even, it's literally,

I have a co-writer that is successful and I am not. I see. And you're waiting on them to finish their half. We'll see if he gets it through. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We'll see if he gets stuff through. I like to put TV ideas just like on paper airplanes

and bottles and throw down the river. That's kind of my process. That's a good idea. But so far has been my process too. And it works great. I'm going to put that in a pilot. Done. Mine now.

It's literally the same odds as having an agent and working hard and hustling. And this is to my experience. Oh, exact same. Oh, exact same odds. Yeah. Yeah. I like to go into coffee shops

and just hope I bump into Steven Spielberg. That's another thing I like to do. Honestly, the person who got, who paid for the skywriting that is, that was Joe Rogan is literally five foot three. That did more for her than I think any of that other shit. Good for her. I don't know any part of that story, but it's great.

Oh man. It was like really visible in LA for a while. Well, I'm in Connecticut. Could we see it from Connecticut? Fuck. I assumed it would have made your social media somehow, but maybe I'm in a bubble. Maybe I'm in a Hollywood elite bubble.

And your precious elite bubble. That's it. Yep. I also religiously. I don't go outside. Don't click on anything that says Joe Rogan. Well, that's just a good, that's a good policy. I share a world record with Joe Rogan.

I might have mentioned this in the podcast before. Ooh, can we guess it? Yeah. You might even know what I thought you knew it. You're probably going to tell me and then I'm going to know it. But for right now, I will guess most spiders regurgitated. Yes. We have a tie.

No, I wrote a video game. I wrote three UFC video games and one of them had more dialogue than any other video game that had ever been written. And Joe Rogan had to read about 30% of it. So he doesn't share a record. He doesn't get credit on that record with you. He doesn't deserve that. I feel like just in case that's the one artifact that survives

history like a thousand years from now. No, he doesn't get it. We need to lower those odds. No, look, in the alternate timeline in which divine did not die and posted fear factor instead. He doesn't even exist. He's still doing ringer shows. He faded out of existence though.

Somehow fear factor was the thing that kept him on this plane. I don't, it seems like reality shows tend to project people into political relevance somehow. I don't know how the world works. I just know it's bad. Yeah, that's how the world works. That's how this world works. And the guy from Survivor for president.

What is that guy? Briggs from WB Superstar for Secretary of State. Honestly. He's just a lecherous creep. Literally anyone on Drag Race except Fifi would do a great, better job. What makes Fifi bad at that? I don't watch that show. Fifi is not good under pressure.

There's a lot of pressure being a political leader. Yeah. That's a bummer for Fifi. Why did she get into reality TV if that's a... Did not think it through. I'm guessing that's probably the case for a lot of people who get into reality TV. And look, if you're a performer and that's a platform, I'm not going to judge. Yeah.

I do really like when people on reality TV get surprised by their lack of performance ability. Oh, I thought I could do that. Oh, no. Shit. You know, if you do something on stage, it's completely different. Right. It's always going to be. I would never do...

The first note out of your audition at American Idol just, oh, I'm sorry. I thought I could... Yeah. I can't do that. Today, we're trying out a new game called Dumber Than Real. It's an exciting trivia improvement quiz game where two contestants, the lovely Brockway and Hannah will compete to come up with answers dumber than the real answer to real things. Some of them you might know.

Some of them may be too unspeakable for any brain to remember. The rules are simple and not even worth explaining. So we're going to start. Hannah, as our guest, would you like to go first or second? Oh, I'll go first. Let's be bold. Very brave. Very bold.

Now, each category has five questions and the categories are whoopee, blanking Goldberg. These are whoopee Goldberg questions where you fill in the blank. We also have Porkin, Grapplin, Jackie Chan, Literature, and Fabio. Literature. So, Hannah, those are your categories you can select from any of them. I'm proud and upset to say I don't know anything about any of these categories. That's only going to work to your manager. Yeah, I don't think that's going to harm you.

In fact, I know a lot about a lot of these categories and I'm very worried. I think that's going to hurt me quite a bit. Let's go with Jackie Chan because I'm still upset that that paint-resin-based fight didn't win our last game. Holding an imaginary grudge. All right, your first question. Now, the idea of this game is whether you know the real answer or not, whether you're trying to come up with something worse or dumber or more unspeakable. Okay.

Okay, so after Jackie Chan broke his foot, jumping onto a hovercraft during the filming of Rumble the Bronx, what specifically ill-advised thing did he do on that broken foot? He ate it. He ate his broken foot. He ate the foot while giving a long lecture about survivalism. He didn't need to eat the foot because there was like craft services and shit, but he wanted to teach. But he wanted to show his stuntman how to do it, what he was expecting of them. Yeah, yeah.

In case professional stuntmen ever find themselves in a situation where they have to eat their own foot. I'm going to give you a point for that because that is dumber than what really happened, which was barefoot water skiing. Jackie Chan took his broken foot and stuck a little sock on it so it sort of looked like a shoe. And then barefoot water skied on that cast. Stuck a big sock over like this huge cast and then they colored it in to look like a Nike. And then he went, and then he went water skiing. I feel like if you were like a zany podiatrist, like that's the joke you would tell your patients. Like, okay, no barefoot water skiing for a month, LOL.

That's definitely a gag from a Jackie Chan movie. The podiatrist is over on the sidelines, go on and pull in his hair, go, no. He looks at his bottle of liquor and shakes head and throws it behind him. No more of this. No more of that. One time my ex accidentally, he had a knife land in the middle of his foot and we both forgot he was a hemophiliac. So he put on 17 socks and just bled in the Uber on the way to the emergency room where he waited for three hours. And then finally they came in after he soaked through 17 socks and there was blood all over the floor to ask him,

hey, do you by any chance have a bleeding disorder? You know what? It's not funny. You should ask. Yeah. Ask the 40 foot trail of blood. Question two, Hanna. In Who Am I, Jackie Chan plays a character who can't remember his name after falling out of a helicopter.

That character goes by two names in the film. What are they? His name is Who Am I? Who Am I? I'm going to go with Magic Johnson. Ooh, and the other? Those are the two names. Oh, Magic and Johnson?

Oh, that's really good. Yeah. No, the two names. I'm not sure if I can give you a point for this because the two names... Okay, well then let me finish. Oh, I see. I don't want me to steal her answer. Magic Johnson and Benjamin Goldfarb.

Fantastic names. I think Jackie could play both of those very well. Again, I'm not sure it's dumber than the original, which the two names are Who Am I and Jackie Chan. Jackie Chan's always a safe guess. I discovered an unknown to me Jackie Chan movie, like Prime Jackie Chan movie, which is always just a holiday. They're the most precious things in the world. And of course, it's a race to guess. Does he play Jackie Chan in this?

And he did. You'll be happy to know he did. When Rumble the Bronx came out, he did a big media blitz in America because he finally had a hit American movie. And I remember all the pictures because they were just everywhere. And I painted several of them just in painting class because I'm like, oh, fuck yeah, I'll paint Jackie Chan. And so I recognize these paintings. There's a poster for a movie called Mr. Nice Guy. And it's two of those...

Two of the monster truck? Yes. Well, no, I guess it's like a construction monster truck. They took two of those Jackie Chan publicity shots from Rumble the Bronx and they made it look like he was throwing a punch and a kick at the same time using two different pictures. And then they wrote Nice Across His Fist. I remember that. And Guy Across His Foot. No, it's just they're like, that's enough.

Nice. It looks like he's got like a man a third of his size's hips and legs. And then this... Anyway, it's fantastic. One of the greatest movie posters. I believe that's the one where he plays a celebrity chef. Yes. Is he still named Jackie?

I believe he's still named Jackie Chan. He's named Jackie, but not Jackie Chan. Oh, okay. I like the lack of pretense because some people always play themselves and they'll, you know, they'll still, they'll still have a different character name. And it's just like, why? We know. He's not an actor. You're not hiring him for his acting ability.

You're hiring him to barefoot waterski in a giant cull and sock. And there are a lot of people that we don't hire for their acting ability. So why, why the pretense? I 100% agree. Hannah, this is another question for you. If you Google image search Jackie Chan sweater, what do you get? You get a sweater with Jackie Chan nips. Just beautiful, beautiful, big smile, Jackie Chan cover in the nips.

Everything else is nude skin tone options. Whatever your skin tone, you have options for that. That's pretty close. That's, yeah, it's pretty close. It is, I would say, I'm going to give you a point because it is dumber than real because if you, what you really get is Jackie Chan looking fine as hell and a sexy backless hollow out white halter top sweater. Just. If you spun it around, you'd get exactly what Hannah described. Nice.

You'll also get some of Jackie Chan wearing himself on a sweater. That's a good one. Yeah. I like that. Jackie Chan sweaters a real nice Google image search for your listeners. I think there's one with a koala face with little buttons. It's a good one. Some quality Jackie Chan sweaters.

Just a joyful search. It's up there with Steven Segal Carrot and Billy Corrigan little train. And the, the final battle of drunken master to what does Jackie Chan drink in order to get drunk enough to win the fight? Hmm. That's tough because you want something that gets you drunk, but I'm going to go with slim fast. That is dumber and safer than the original, which was industrial ethanol. He drinks like just a bunch of mining ethanol. And there's actually paper.

That's a good point too. It's definitely dumber with your trying to get drunk, but is it safer in your face? Slim fast. Our sponsor today. From the record I had one for breakfast today because ADHD. I'm not trying to lose weight. I'm just trying to not forget to eat. Hmm.

I believe it would have been 16 million calories if they were slim fast because he drinks so much of that. Yeah. He just, he downs it. Yeah. He's definitely just dying and exploding of ethanol poisoning. You might know this as a Jackie Chan nerd, but there was actually a scene at the end of this movie where he is completely crippled and blinded by drinking all of the, like not for drinking industrial ethanol. And they cut that when they released it in America because I did not know that.

This isn't very funny. They're like this. We don't want to see that. We want to see the part where you fall in the pit of coals and try to run out of it. I mean, to be fair, we did live that with prohibition. So I guess we know. Yeah. We've seen it.

So Jackie Chan thought that movie was like a cautionary tale. He thought it was like a somber cautionary tale where he's blowing fire to people's faces and following coals. And then he's like, and that's why you don't drink alcohol. Thanks, Jackie Chan. Hannah, your final Jackie Chan question. In the classic often talked about film Rob be good from 2006 described by the director as some of the darkest days of my career. Jackie Chan plays a crook hired by his landlord to steal a baby. What's his character's name?

Uh, I'm going to say Robby Good. That is a great guess. Not dumber than the original, which is. Oh. Thongs. What? His name is thongs. When he plays a role, baby, he plays a role.

Oh, he is. He encompasses the character of thongs. Go look at his IMDB and it's Jackie Chan, Jackie Chan, Jackie Chan thongs. That's one of those things where like you, you think it's racist, but you don't know how. Right. Yeah, I don't trust it. I don't trust it, but I don't know why I don't trust it because it's just shoes or underpants. But I.

Right. It has to be shoes because you'd call him song if he was. Right, right, right. If he wore or if that's, I mean, what else he wears multiple. Yeah, he could wear both. He could be hemophiliac. I, someone should be asking these questions. I think we are right now.

We're really saving the world. So that was really good. I gave you three points for being dumber than Jackie Chan, three different ways, which is quite a feat. I don't know. I'm kicking myself. Yeah, better. We'll see. We'll see.

We'll see. Setting off fireworks for you. You're sitting on a high bar. Brockwood, do you remember the categories? I want Whoopi fucking Goldberg. All right then. Like just in general, that's a good blanket statement. Hell yeah.

So your first question in the film, Eddie, Whoopi Goldberg wins a zany contest to earn a job as blank. Jackie Chan stunt double? I'm not sure it's dumber than the original, which is coach of the New York Knicks. All right, fair enough. That's the plot of that movie. She goes in and for a halftime show, like makes a free throw and gets to be like the coach of the New York Knicks for like the rest of the game. And then she's so like sassy in New York that they like keep her on. And so she's like, she doesn't know anything about basketball other than like casual fan stuff.

And so she can't like run an offense or anything, but like she's good at insulting other players and like belittling them and not backing down from them refs. And I don't know, just through attitude alone becomes a very good and competent coach of the New York Knicks. I miss when every movie we made was that movie. Yeah, you look at it and you're like, I know exactly what this fucking movie is. Like there's no reason to watch it. This one you probably will just know cold. A $20 million lawsuit forced Whoopi Goldberg to make the movie blank, co-starring blank. Oh, man, I know it cold, but here's the thing, because I know it.

How can I come up with something stupider than that? Yeah, it's quite a challenge. What's the exact phrasing of the question again? A $20 million lawsuit forced Whoopi Goldberg to make the movie blank, co-starring blank. And blank is the same. To make the movie, oops, all wolves, co-starring six wolves stacked on top of each other. I didn't get it. It's not dumber than Theodore Rex, who is a Tyrannosaurus Rex policeman.

I can't beat it. Oh, man. Have you seen that film, Hannah? I have. I have to now. She lost a lawsuit. She didn't want to star in the movie. So they sued her until she starred in the movie and she did and they released the movie. And it's about Whoopi Goldberg being police partners with the T-Rex.

Wait, wait, what's the basis for this lawsuit? She didn't want to fucking do it. And I guess she'd already signed a contract. She showed up on set and saw the T-Rex and was like, no, this is this was fucking stupid. I'm sorry. Hello, I'm coaching the New York Knicks. I didn't fucking do this shit. And they sued her until she starred in it and she did.

It's my favorite story about anything. Wow. In 1993, Whoopi Goldberg said it takes a lot of courage to come out in blank in front of 3,000 people. I don't care if you don't like it. I do. A jet pack and nothing else. I might give it to you. The original answer, blackface. Blackface.

She was speaking of her then lover TV superstar Ted Danson. Ted Danson, yeah. To the delight of no one. In 1993, we were like, we don't do this, Ted Danson. Imagine having to defend that. I get that your partner signed off on that, but it's not like there's a council of black people that can also... It's not like they go to the same meeting. To be fair, she just said it takes a lot of courage.

She very carefully said it. She did not say it's a good idea or it's okay. That is technically true. You're gonna get your ass kicked. I don't care if you don't like it. I do. Both parts of that statement are very problematic. I think what we should care if other people don't like it and shouldn't like it. So I'm getting shut out.

You know what? I gave you a point for that because I thought yours was more fun than blackface. Congratulations, Robert Brockway. More fun than blackface. Put that on my business card. Number four, Whoopi Goldberg played Mother Gooseburg in a 1997 TV special called Mother Goose, A Blank and Blank Special. A blackface Danson Special? It's in my head now. It's all I'm thinking about. Yeah, I get it. You can't drop it and I just need to contemplate it.

My brain was going horse and thimble for some reason, but that doesn't... The original was wrapping and rhyming. Okay, that makes more sense. Okay, but that rules. Clearly, I get it. That's two points for you. Horse and thimble. It's hard to wrap my mind around where your brain goes sometimes, Hannah. I really like that about...

I'm not controlling this. I appreciate that. We know. As a student of comedy, I like to find the path people go to get places. And then you say something, I'm like, yep, that doesn't make any sense. She jumped from A to D and I will never understand it. So I'm just saying, I appreciate you and what you bring to this game show quiz entertainment thing. Thank you.

It hasn't worked out in terms of living in society, but I'm glad it works for this game show. Live in this society. This is your society. This is where you belong. What we do at 1900 Hot Dogs, we create our own environment where we can thrive. Fuck. Yes, I love it. Welcome to it.

By nobody's standards except for our own. Fuck, yes. In 1998's The Telephone, Whoopi Goldberg plays an actress with a pet owl who spends the whole movie screaming into a non-working phone, which you don't learn until she murders the repairman. It made $99,000. The LA Times said, sorry, but this film is a blank. Uh, masterpiece? Uh, I might give it to you. The original was wrong number.

This film, you know that old phrase, this film is a wrong number. Wait, that's a real. It's a real thing. No, say the description one more time. The LA Times said, sorry, but this film is a wrong number. No, no, of the movie. The movie. Okay.

She plays, it's like an, it's like a bottle movie. She's stuck in the apartment and she has an owl and a phone. And she's using the owl and the phone to like figure out what's going on and like, I think she was solving a crime or just dealing with some sort of crisis. Owl. And then it turns out she, the phone wasn't working. And here comes a phone repairman to be like, Oh, hey, your phone lines down. He picks it up. There's no dial tone.

And that's like a big reveal. Like, Oh, she's been fucking crazy the whole time. And then she murders the repairman. And that's the movie. And it was originally written for Robin Williams. He said, I'm not doing this shit. And. Okay.

Just voice the owl, Robin. Well, we're talking, you don't have to star in it. Just voice the owl. $20 million lawsuit, Robin. Wow. And it made $99,000. All right. Well, I got to see that.

Yeah. No, it's. Yeah. Huge, huge film. All right. What are my points at? What are they? Three points.

All right. Sweet. Hannah, do you remember the categories? Or should I go through them real quick? Can you go through them? Please. We got. Porcan.

Grapplin. Literature. Fabio. What was the first one? Porcan. Okay. I'm going to do Porcan just to make my mom sad. In two ways.

Cause she keeps kosher. But. Oh, yeah. Good for her. Fine for her life. What celebrity inappropriately grabbed Robin Williams's nipples? It's an incident he described as, and I quote, then a fun thing happened because my balls went, somebody wants to play.

Should we go to phase two? No, don't go to phase two. I don't do the. I tried to bring the energy. So we're looking for the celebrity that inappropriately grabbed his nipples. I'm going to go with David Attenborough, British naturalist of note. David. That's a very good answer.

Oh, sir. David Attenborough. Sorry. Sir. David Attenborough. Yes. The real answer is Coco, the sign language gorilla. God.

Fucking. All right. So that. Now. Almost. I wasn't going to give him that bit until it was about a gorilla. Now. Should I fuck that gorilla?

Yes. That's a great. It's a funny bit. No shame in the bit. He almost got a boner because he was getting pawed at by the sign language gorilla. He contemplated briefly fucking a gorilla. That's. So I know a lot about things that don't matter.

I know a lot about that gorilla. Why? Why did I not? I've seen footage of her like going through like gorilla, the equivalent of like gorilla dating videos and being like, no, no, no. Now you know why? Now you know we're tight. Yeah.

I guess. She loved nipples. Also, a fun fact. Did not really speak sign language. Kind of was just doing dog tricks as the research shows now. I choose not to believe that. I prefer to live in a world with sign language. Gorillas in the wild do speak their own version of sign language.

She was a very clever and erotic gorilla. Yeah. I could see, I could see the urge to perform as a gorilla, but she would as a gorilla have the intelligence to communicate as well. Right. Maybe not with humans, but at least with other gorillas. I just, I like to think that I know it didn't happen, but it could have happened that there was a gorilla writing slam poetry at some point.

And that's the only way I can get there. So that's my reality. There's a cat you can watch on Instagram right now that is just, it's got, you know, those buttons with words. And it is voicing. Well, it voices what I think is in every single cat's mind. It's just want, want, want food. Mad, mad, mad.

No, want food. Mad, mad, mad. Yeah, that's slam poetry. Yeah. I can snap to that. I can dig it. Absolutely. The top selling and renting porn film of 1994, directed by Ron Jeremy, starred a man who

was previously famous for what? I, I might know the real answer and it's depressing. Don't beat it. I'm going to say choking down his own dick after chopping it off himself. That's actually very, very close to the real answer, which is getting his dick cut off and thrown in a field. So you just knew that cold. Both of you just knew that cold.

Yes. Wow. Impressive. I mean, the phrasing ticked us off, ticked us off. The phrasing tipped us off. No, they're both correct. Yeah, they are both correct. Such a stupid thing that our culture endures.

It really was. We shouldn't have known about that. No. He shouldn't have made a film about it after. I'm going to give you a point because I think you made it fun that he ate it. That's fun. I'm going to continue down the path of eating your own limbs. Yeah.

See, it's working for you. Yeah. Why not? Because you can make it work for this one. Consent matters, but if they're your own limbs, fucking chowed out. Hell yeah. In Universal Soldier, a fully nude, Jean-Claude Van Damme, tells Allie Walker, there must be a tracking device on him.

He grabs her hand, swings into her arms and says, what? Will you please cut through my webbed toes? You're getting a point for that because that's very strange. He actually says, look for something unusual, something hard. That sounds right. Yeah. In the rival scene with Dolph Lundgren, he says, explore my anus. Dig around for a circuit in my penis.

Great Dolph Lundgren. Thank you. No, I'm not telling that one. Heavily inspired by Tim Burton, what's the name of the 1991 film about an adult toy saleswoman who brings home a disfigured man who falls in love with her daughter? I'm going to go with Corpse Dildo for Corpse Dildo. Corpse Dildo. Yeah.

I don't know if it's dumber than the original, which is Edward Penis Hands. Edward Penis Hands was the real answer. I see. That's so good. The porno parody of Edward Scissor's Hands. Just Scissor Hands? I think it's just Scissor Hands. I would have assumed it would be something about Scissoring, but no.

Something about hand jobs. I just think the idea of it, Dildo, that was alive at one point. And you just have to live with that knowledge and wonder if ghosts are real and if they could be attached to just the dick. Yes. I have one note. I did not get that from the title. I feel like it needs a subtitle, like it's Corpse Dildo colon.

Does a dead dick have a soul? Yes. OK, I like that. Yes. I might have given you a point for that. I like it without the A. Does a dead dick have soul? Yes. A very different movie.

Very different. I like that. Starting Jim Keller. Have. No. Want. Food. Have.

Want. Food. I do not have soul. That's why my beat poetry sucks. Yeah. It's as good as a cat. I'd argue it's not. Yeah, I prefer the cats.

I was going for worse than cats. That's the theme of the day. During the election season of 2020, Pornhub released data analysis showing the most statistically distinct search terms for each state. For example, accidental cream pie for Missouri or sloppy blow job for Virginia. What was Louisiana's? Louisiana's was Adam Cream, a very, very distinct fetish in which you are attracted to Adam cancer, creaming himself.

But it's just, it's just like lotions and stuff. You know, we're the ones making it dirty. It's our fault really. It's really our fault that this man has to live with the burden of Adam cream. And is this, is this an inside joke or did you just off the cuff that this might be something that evolved over torturing him on Twitch? Well, God, I'm not sure I could give it to you. Oh, come on.

Just because of the origin. Let me, let me tell you the original and see what you think. Okay. In Louisiana, the most statistically distinct search term for pornography was Popeyes. Okay. What is that? What does that mean in terms of pornography? They must have thought they were on like a different website.

They're like. No, no, that's gotta be, that's gotta be a name for a fetish of some sort. Yeah, that's something. That sounds like a choking thing, maybe. Let's not look it up. I'm gonna give you the point just so we don't have to look it up. It's a grave syndrome thing. I 100% took it as the fried chicken and loved it.

It's so popular there. Cause I love Popeyes fried chicken, but I think like there in Louisiana, it just must be so popular that he just like think, you know what I could go for right now? Big titties. Sure. Yes. An FFM cream pie.

Absolutely. For some of that cage and sparkle on my dick. Real stepmom. Uh-huh. But also in addition to those keywords. Yep. Okay. I'm gonna, I gave you three points for that round.

Very impressive. Uh, Brock White, you have your choice of grappling. Literature. Fabio. Fabio it is. God damn it. I was stating that. You may not know this, but Fabio is a prolific actor with a lot of range

of his 42 credited roles. And how many of them did he play Fabio? Uh, none. None. He's a method actor. He is much dumber than 25, which is the real number. Oh, come on. Only 25 though.

This is why I wanted this category. What would you say, Anna? What would your guess have been? Zero. That is, that is what you guess. That's what I'm saying. That is what you guess because you know it's dumber than whatever the answer is. You know.

He did play a character called handsome man, which that's close enough to Fabio. Yeah, that's pretty good. I might make it 26. Good looking dope. Yep. What real, but non-Fabio person did Fabio play in Sharknado 5 global swarming? Benjamin Franklin. Is that dumber than the Pope?

Oh, it's not. Wow. Wow. I thought Franklin was a shoe in. Yeah, I thought that was a lock too. Very dumb, but just not dumb enough. Yeah, the Pope be for that. God damn.

The Pope is, I think Fabio is a great choice. I normally don't vibe with the comedic sensibilities of the Sharknado series, but I think casting Fabio as the Pope is strong. I was going to say that's a weak bit for anybody else but Fabio. Yeah. Yeah. If I'm watching Sharknado, I'm like, God, this fucking sucks. And then like, oh, here comes the Pope.

And I'm like, oh, Fabio. Like that's what it would get out of me, but I'm like, that's still, that's a big pop for Sharknado. That's a lover of Sharknado. Let's just go into a little bonus trivia. My favorite role that Fabio has ever played is an actual literal angel in the movie Exorcist 3. Oh. Damn.

Okay. Yeah. Fabio snits in there. Damn. He does look like an angel. I bet he's been an angel on a lot of romance novel covers. If you look up what angels actually look like in the Bible, no. They're like a sack of eyeballs or something.

He's not a jumble of eyes. He does play. He just voices a jumble of eyes. Yeah. In 2011, alongside no one you've heard of, Fabio played himself in a movie called Hollywood Blank Wars. Ooh. Hollywood Titty Wars. Oh, that's really close to the original.

And Dumber, which is just Hollywood Sex Wars. Yeah, I get that point. Hollywood Sex Wars? Hollywood Sex Wars. Do you have the description? I would have killed Fabio. Oh, why? I read the description and I still could not give it back to you.

It honestly seems like just like really bored screenwriters in LA are like, I don't know, what's a movie even like? Like what? What even is plot? What even is anything? And then that just sort of fell out of them. They had a, this is a crisis movie and somebody green-lit it. Gotcha.

Yep. That sounds about right. Fabio, of course, became famous for getting painted hunkily onto the cover of novels. He also wrote eight himself, each of them with a single word title. Name one. Wait, no name two. Damp is one and bread. Damp and I'm going to give you a point.

The originals are dangerous, wild, mysterious. Then after he ran out of like ways to describe a mysterious lover, I think he just started putting in his Dungeons and Dragons characters because then they became Viking, rogue, Comanche, pirate and champion. Yeah, he's uninvited to the game when he started playing a Comanche. Like, oh, we don't like this. No, I don't like the costume. I don't like the voice.

Oh, yeah, I really like the accent work. No. Why? Shut your mouth with that goose again. It's funny you bring up the goose. This next question is about the goose. In 1999, a shlamil goose flew into a shlamazel Fabio on a roller coaster. Am I saying that right, Hanna?

Yes, you are. Okay, good. In his own words, how did Fabio survive? I puffed out my face. It's pretty dumb, but is it dumber than I was with reflex fast enough to turn my head? No, it's not. But you clearly weren't because it hit you square in the face and everybody saw it. I did some research.

So that did not happen. I think it hit a camera because this was for the launch of a roller coaster. I saw that too, but that's Fabio's spin and we will not accept it. Okay, very good. So we have two categories left. Grapplin and literature. I'm going to go with the dark horse. Let's do literature.

Very good. Okay. In X-Men, annual number 10, Mojo, a slug man whose superpower is blank, uses a goo to turn the X-Men into blank. His superpower is a barbed penis that can either force one another partner to be quote unquote female and accept his barbed penis or he will be stabbed by another barbed penis X-Man. So he turned the X-Men into females?

Yes. Yeah. Yeah, which is bad at snail culture. It's, you know, they're sexist like us. Okay. So gender swapping barbed penis and ladies are your two blanks? Yes. Well, the original answer is space TV producer and babies, X-Men babies.

I can't give you a point. I like how it's better as a genuine story. Yeah, that sounds like a real X-Men story. Yeah, that's the problem is mine is just the way that snails work, which is a problem. Oh, that's like taken from real snails. Yeah, that's how snails work. They're gross. That's why we enjoyed it, I guess.

Yeah. Because it's learning. I just love to watch slugs, fuck. Oh, Dave's going to have to clean up all this spit off his mic. Just drooling. Why don't we start talking snail love? Can't help it. I like that it's a matter of course that you're not going to do it.

I don't even clean up that. I mean, the source of mess in this house is generally, actually, you know what? It is generally me. I'm just a shitty girlfriend. That's quite a breakthrough we're having. Yeah, I just realized it. I'm the source of all this relationship's problems. We got some work to do.

Thanks, Dog Zone 9000. You really helped me. Thanks, Mojang. This emotional breakthrough. Seriously, yes. Yeah, I should do more around the house. You know, just because I didn't own her initially, she's my cat too. And she feels like barfing a lot out of spite.

Yeah. Yeah, me too. Let's move on to literature. Very high-brow literature. In X-Men number 103, the team visits Banshee's ancestral castle and run into what enemy? Are you familiar with the X-Men? Do you know who Banshee is? I do not know who Banshee is.

He screams and using that scream, he can fly because of the scream. He screams so loud that it catches in his little wing flaps. Okay. I think that's how that works. That makes sense. Sure. Why not? But he talks too.

So in the comic, he'll talk to the other X-Men while he's screaming. I was never sure if he stopped screaming to talk real quick and then started screaming again, or if he was like, go this way, storm! I don't know. I don't know how it works. Yeah. I'm going to say Jackie Chan's sentient foot that is half eaten and wants to steak. Oh, shit.

Came back. Yeah, yeah. Cross genre villain. That foot is so much ass. That's going to take the whole team. They're going to have to call the new mutants to beat that fucking half a foot. I know, right? Well, the original answer, Banshee's ancestral castle, they run into leprechauns.

They have to fight leprechauns because X-Men writers, when they hear a country, they just quickly write down the two or three things they know about that country and that's their story or their characters. So I think the foot is dumber than leprechauns, but I mean, just barely. It was either leprechauns or alcoholism. I understand the point detriments for the callback, but. Oh, no. See, I don't have a problem with that.

I actually like that leprechauns. This is not an X-Men question. If you thought they were all X-Men and that was the bit, no. This one is about a New York Times bestselling book from 1931, which collects all of the mistakes made by idiot schoolchildren. It's illustrated by Dr. Seuss. What's it called? Write your mouth better, Jimmy.

Fuck you. Write tone, but I'm not sure it's dumber than boners. Boners is the name of the book. With a Z? Just an S, just boners. Which at the time. What about with the Z, Dr. Seuss? I think I take it because it doesn't have the Z.

I see. Brock, wait, you're going to have to settle the tie. What? Did Hannah get the point since there's no Z? I understand you're a competitor, but okay. Yes. That's a real gentleman's move. It is.

Okay. This requires a prop. I'm reaching over. I'm now holding a book at this very moment that asks, which burgers love to act? And the answer is ham burgers. What's the name of this book? Things to make dads relevant.

100 ways to be a dad and still feel like you belong in this world and still make friends even though you're a dad now. You're going to kick yourself. All of those words. You're going to kick yourself, Hannah. It's 101 hamburger jokes. God damn it. 101 hamburger jokes.

I'm pissed off because that's a better name for our website than 1900 Hot Dog. Yeah. I mean, it's never too late for a rebrand. No, look, the idea of it being a hotline is pretty great. Yeah, that's true. There's some levels to it, but there's such a raw bluntness to 101 hamburger jokes that just makes me giggle.

There's something about the concept of people being there 24 seven to help you with your hot dog problems. Yeah. And that it's not an actual functional number. But we do need to spin off. That can be like our click hole 101 hamburger jokes. I'd love to write for that, please. Yes.

That will be your project. That's just all you. Yes. Fuck, yes. Your final literature question. Debuting in 1985 and killed in 2003. What's the name of the Marvel mutant? Oh, shit.

I guess I guess three of these are about the X-Men. Okay. What's the name of the Marvel mutant who secretes a sticky black substance from his skin? Delayed your period for too long with pills, man. Because blood oxidizes, you see. Yeah. No, I just now realized that I'm going to give it to you because

the original is the racial slur. They named the guy with the sticky black substance after the racial slur. They named it the N word. No, the second part of my name and then tar. Huh. It's following us. Oh, the British.

Yeah. Is it better or worse if he was a black man? You know, I don't even recall if you could see his skin. I think he was always covered in the black goop. But it had a sort of a. So neither in both. It's, it's accidental racism. No, that's.

I feel like the word only means the racist thing. Like, I don't know if there is a. Right. But a lot of superheroes are just substance and man. So I could see how that could happen. I'm not defending the creators of that. They were just like coming up with, coming up with synonyms and didn't, hey, I had no idea with that.

You know what the fact that they had a baby instead of man or woman. Yeah. No, this is that. Tarman. Nevermind. Nevermind. Asphalt toddler.

No, that's not it. Yeah. Nevermind. No, that was 100% intentional. Yeah. Somebody did that on purpose. Someone. I hate people.

You try to see the good in them. You really do. And then they, they just. Fuck. I shouldn't. I shouldn't have put two racist ones in here. Now that. I.

Literature is racist. Literature is objectively racist. I think we all know that. I think that's been proven. Yeah. Yeah, that's true. It's hard to get through the X-Men without a little racism. Yeah.

I mean, it's hard to get published period, but some people have an advantage. That's true. Well, we have one last category for Brockway. You're. Wait, how many points do I have? Nine points to Brockway six. Oh, man.

So it's tough. Your category is grappling. Okay. In a 2000, in 2004, after a wildly successful run in Ohio Valley wrestling, Nick Dinsmore moved up to the WWE with a gimmick that killed his career in three years. What was his character? The Tart now.

I think it was soft boy and he just wore a lot of very soft things so that he'd be pleasant to wrestle. You know what? I'm going to give you a point. He was actually Eugene, the mentally challenged wrestler. Oh, my God. And people loved it. They did storylines where he would get outsmarted and like,

fight the wrong guys. But the second he appeared, more or less half of the audience was like, I cannot fucking believe they're doing this. And the other half was like, Holy shit, I can't fucking believe they're doing this. And 2004 was like right in that era when we started to realize how wrong it was to do things like this. Yeah.

And three years later, this, this guy who had just been crushing it, like he, I think he's the Ohio Valley wrestling's like, leading title record holder. Like he's, he's like the bull Durham of the minor leagues of wrestling, like the greatest minor league wrestler. And then he did this Eugene shit and people are like, okay, you, you can't have a wrestle again though. You realize that like that's, that's fucking despicable.

Anyway, he got to come up with his own character though, or was that like, we're going to give you a character. I've got a great one. You're going to love it. I don't know. I don't know. It's ironically, that character prevented him from developing CTE.

That's true. So, uh, yeah, that's kind of ironic in a, in a way we'll cut, in a way we'll cut from the show. Sorry. No, no, no, no, no, no, it's fine. Uh, I really shouldn't have put in things that we shouldn't joke about, but this last part is kind of funny because in his final appearance, uh, he shot a guy with a T-shirt cannon and

then he hugged him to sleep and then he just never appeared again. So they're like, they, they finally like hit the wall and like, dude, we got to get rid of this Eugene guy. And they're like, well, he did just get hugged to sleep after shooting somebody with a T-shirt cannon. Like, fuck it. That's fine.

So, um, that's his, that's the end of his character arc. So we all know, uh, when, when he first appeared, we were like, yes, that man has to be hugged to sleep. That's, uh, I was doing some research. I mean, he could have come back as very sorry, neurotypical person, but I guess that doesn't have the zing. Uh, they, the character was based on like some guy who worked there in the behind the scenes had like a nephew.

No, no, he didn't. Like it wasn't him. It was like his nephew, but also with Rain Man because this was sort of like I say in the area right before we learned it was bad where they also kind of thought they were magical. So he, so he was like really good at picking up other wrestlers ability. So he could like see another wrestler do things and then

copy it perfectly with his like savant, you know, wrestling skills. Uh, it was, I feel like 20 years, uh, behind the time, like if this was an 80s character, I think we'd kind of giggle about it, but in a 2004 character, it was like the clock is fucking ticking on whatever this is guys. Like, yeah, you really do. You know, the way it was coming to wash away the sins of

something is, is too socially irresponsible for wrestling. Yes. Yes. Uh, the only case that's ever happened right here. But again, had a, had a strange lovable tone to it. Like people loved him. Uh, but again, it's hard to even create that context now. It's hard to say like, no guys, trust me, we loved it.

No, it's, it's, it was crazy. Um, in the year 2000, the elderly wrestler may young was impregnated with sexual chocolate. Mark Henry's baby and she went into early labor after landing a splash on crash Holly. What happened? So she's in a wrestling match as a pregnant old lady jumps on a guy using her tummy as the main attack.

She delivered the baby right there and the baby got the pin. Oh my God. That is, I'm not sure that's dumber. I'm going to ask, that's not dumber. I'm going to wait until you hear it. Wait, is a real answer a middle-aged man popped out? I wish an EMT, then I'm going to give it to Robert. Well here.

Okay. A point. Here's the real answer. This happened on TV live on Monday night. Monday night raw. An EMT pulled a human hand out of her with a pair of pliers. And just a human hand. Just a human hand.

A dismembered rubber covered rubber gooey hand. A lot of ideas here. And what does that mean? What was that supposed to mean? Literally no one knows. I think, you know, I'm not one saying I'm not sure how these ideas work together. That's not a good sign.

Yeah, that's a bad sign. We actually mentioned him on the show when Josh Barnett was a guest. This is Tommy Blacha. He created Metalocalypse. He was a WWE writer for a while. So when I was doing research for this, I was like, oh shit, there's Tommy playing the EMT. So he might have had a part in this. Can we get him on the podcast and ask him what it meant?

I think that's a good idea. I'll reach out to him. At the very least, I'll try to get an answer to this. I feel like this is one of those things where it's just funny that people ask. I found an interview with Mark Henry and some guy asked him like, dude, what the fuck was with that hand? And he just started laughing for like 40 seconds. He's like, I asked Vince that every time I see Vince, I say,

Vince, what the fuck was that hand about? And then Vince does the same reaction. He just laughs at it. So like nobody knows. It's just supposed to be silly, but in a way that like kind of doesn't, like that doesn't satisfying. This was the end of the Eugene arc, but you guys didn't like him. You guys took him away early.

It would have made sense. I guess, I guess the answer was the answer to many UCB shows. What do we have in props that we don't have to borrow from someone else? Yeah, I feel like that's probably how it happened. But I feel like they started the storyline and had no like exit strategies. So they're like, this old lady has to have a baby. But if it's like, if it's just a baby, that's not, I mean, what's that going to be? We can't, and we can't have like a stillbirth on the show.

I mean, we just had the mentally challenged guy. Like people, people are going to get real bummed out. Also, our actual wrestlers are just dying left and right as they always do. In a 1996 ECW match cut from TV and apologized for, Raven did what to Saint Man? We impregnated. That is, that is dumber than what really happened, which was he fully crowned of thorns to crucify him on a wooden cross.

Pong him up to die on the cross. In a moving tribute to Jesus Christ. And people found that offensive. They all sang near my God to the, it was a beautiful moment. 6,000 conversions on the spot right there. What, what, you're actually perfect so far in this category. Yeah. You're playing for the win now.

Okay. You just told me I'm perfect in the category of being dumber than wrestling. That's not. Look, you're. That's what you've always dreamed about. Beating me again and I'm very upset. So just hang on to that. What was Macho Man Randy Savage's demand before his match with Jake the Snake Roberts?

Ooh, he demanded an exact body double of himself delivered to his dressing room with no further questions. That is, you know, it might be dumber than the original. In the original, oh, you had to see that snake bite Jake Roberts first. I'm going to watch that snake bite you and not die. He, he had a, he had a cobra for that match. And Macho Man Randy Savage did not believe that it had been like de-venomed. And so he's like, a lot of people trying to take out the Macho Man.

Okay. But he works in professional wrestling and he knows how little they value life. That's true. It's confidence. So I would have done the same. I would have been like, God, that's snakes biting somebody else and then we're waiting. So, and here they are. Like when it comes to like a clout, like Macho Man was higher up than Jake the Snake.

So this was a demand that Jake the Snake kind of had to give into. You can't, you can't big league Macho Man Randy Savage. And so when Jake the Snake Roberts tells the story, he's super fucking cranky about it because he's like, this fucking guy makes me take out my God damn snake and fucking put it up against me and bite me. My own snake. I hate it. I hate snakes.

I don't know why I have this fucking gimmick. And like I'm a fucking cold. I'm not even warmed up for the match. I'm just no adrenaline to the fucking snake chomping into me. It's fucking. And so he did that and then Macho Man carefully watched him and waited for him to not die. And he's like, okay, okay, we'll go on and do it. And there it is.

And this story has been told exactly the same four times throughout wrestling, except for the death part. Yeah, we did lose a lot of, a lot of amateur wrestlers. Oh, I thought you were going to say a lot of good snakes, but yeah. That's how you D Venom WWE Cobra. You just let it bite until it's running out of venom. Yeah. Soft boy.

Poor soft boy. He took four bites though, harder than we expected. All right. The final question. What was a favorite prank shared by Vince McMahon and Andre the Giant? Setting up wrestlers for false convictions. There, there's no way you get done on the original, which was tricking people into seeing their poop.

There's no, there's no way I've beaten that. Yeah. Vince McMahon, he loves to trick people into seeing his poop. Will he be like, I gotta show you something. And then of course there would be like, That's just showing, that's just, that's still just showing some on your poop. Yes.

But like, it's unexpected. There's like a little curtain. Unless he says, let's look at something. I don't, but it's a bathroom. No, you just, you just want to show me. Hey, nobody said it was a bathroom. Nobody said it was in the bathroom. It's just the craft services table.

That's fair. Living in a cloche and just, yeah. Yeah. Well, under the giant often wasn't the bathroom because he was too big for toilets. Yeah. And so in most people's books. It's just somebody's car. Yeah.

Where they mentioned under the giant, usually people talk about at least once his drinking and his pooping. Because like in the Hulk Hogan's book, he talks about how he had set up all these newspapers on the bed because I think they were in Japan or somewhere that, where you had no chance of sitting on the toilet. And he had like pooped this giant pyramid of like five people's worth of poop because he was 700 fucking pounds.

And he's like, coming here boss, you need to see something. And of course, Hulk Hogan's like, oh, what can I do for you, Andre? And, and it's just he, oh, you have looked at my poop. And that's like, I don't know. I hope he was holding a little towel, like a curtain and then whisks it away. I hope he like put his hands over his eyes and walked him in slowly got real close to it. He's like, I think, I think I know what you've done. Yeah.

Yeah. That one should not have shot out on that category. Yeah. But very solid 10 points to Hannah's nine points. Congratulations, Robert Brockway. Dumber than wrestling. Fantastic. Thank you.

Yeah. The craft is neat. The craft is neat. The craft is neat. The craft is neat. The craft is neat. The craft is neat. The craft is neat.

The craft is neat. The craft is neat. The craft is neat. The craft is neat. The craft is neat. The craft is neat. The craft is neat. The craft is neat.

The craft is neat. The craft is neat. The craft is neat. The craft is neat. The craft is neat. The craft is neat. The craft is neat. The craft is neat.

The craft is neat. The craft is neat. The craft is neat. The craft is neat. Love is in the air tonight at 60. A count of 60 is swinging singles. Five for the attention of one lovely mate. Takes a king to rule a country, but only love rules.

Supreme. It's love supreme. Let's meet our competitors. Three finger Louis. Aaron Crossden. Adrian H. Aidan Moat likes long walks on the beach. Oh, hook that one early.

Step up your game, singles. Alpha sciences, Java. Andreas Larson. Armando Nava likes short walks on the beach. A big swing. Benjamin Zyronan. Finn Tolson. Brandon Garlock.

Brian Saylor likes running on the beach. Hey, alright. Brian Whitley. Brockway Loves the Meat Millie. Yes, he does. Zero. Rev. Chase McPherson likes medium length beach drives.

Okay. Yeah, alright. You get that one. Chris Brower. Curious Glare. Dan B. D. Costello.

Donald Finney. Dr. Awkward likes horseback riding on the beach. See, that's how you do it, Chase McPherson. That's how you do it. We got Eric Spalding. Fancy Shark. Jello Ho. Ham Bone.

Walking Loves the Beach. Their words, their emphasis. Harakka. Hot Fart. Jacob Thornberg would make a love to the beach if only society would allow it. Okay. John Dean. John McCammon.

John Minkoff. Josh S. Ken Paisley is the beach. I'm not following on that one, Ken. Oh, he's doing a beach impression now. That's actually really good. K&M. Laziest Man on Mars.

Mark. Matt Riley races the beach to the horizon every night and will do so until he catches her. Hey. That's beautiful. Michael Lair. Michael Wells. Mike Stiles. Mojoo.

Indeed. Neil Bailey writes, If you cut me, do I not bleed sand? He's cutting himself now. Good Lord, it is sand masterfully played. Neos Schaefer. Nick Ralston. Nick H.

Ozzie Olin. Patrick Herbst has just legally changed his name to Beach McSlop. I get beach. Is there a significance to McSlop? No. He's shaking his head. No. Rain Vargas.

Rhiannon. Rich Joslin. Zarkowski. Spotty Reception just bought the beach and no other contestants are allowed on it. Baby, if you like the beach, there is one game in town. Ted H. has just murdered Spotty Reception and stolen the beach team. Looking back, this one was inevitable. Tim Ilehi.

Toasty God has dynamite and a dream. Won't you make a new beach? Together? If that doesn't work on them Toasty God, it worked on me. Tom Segula. Tommy G. Lucerion. And our stunning star, the center of all this attention and deserves every bit of it.

The gorgeous, the talented, Jaeber Al Aiden, whose turnoffs include the beach. Oh, but wait, turn-ons? Dynamite. We got a match. Let's love Supreme, folks.