The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - Dogg Zzone 9000 - Episode 79, The 1900HOTDOG CCG With Dennard Dayle

Episode Date: June 22, 2022

Seanbaby sent Brockway and special guest Dennard Dayle mysterious packages and demanded they not open them until he authorized it. This is how many crimes and all the best podcasts start!

One Nine Hundred Hot Dog One Nine Hundred Hot Dog Out of podcast slams, with maximum hype Say Hot Dog Podcast Word Yeah When you taste that nitrate power You're in the dog zone for an hour Come on

You know the number One Nine Hundred One Nine Hundred Hot Dog One Nine Hundred Hot Dog One Nine Hundred One Nine Hundred Hot Dog One Nine Hundred Hot Dog One Nine Hundred Hot Dog

One Nine Hundred Hot Dog Yeah, nine thousand Welcome to the Dog Zone Nine Thousand The official podcast of 1900HotDog.com We are the very last comedy website Support us on Patreon before all media It's Johnny Depp Scandals I'm Sean Baby, the internet's me

And I'm here with a very special Robert Robert Brockway The best Robert of them all Here's a Brockway fact I am technically a fugitive from the British Crown No follow-up questions Our guest is a writer for the esteemed New Yorker

and the much better One Nine Hundred Hot Dog His brand new book is called Everything Abridged Brooklyn favorite, Denard Dale Thank you for that I don't even need to try to awkwardly sidle in a plug for the book now You have to do it too though

I mean you have to do both So anything you'd like to plug today? Yeah, I would like to plug a very mysterious book by a stranger called Everything Abridged I think it's funny and I am a super neutral party Excellent

And I hate books You know it won me over I hate books This is a book, I hate it No, I do like it, I'm 40 pages in very dense, in a great way exhausting, also in a good way It's just like

Just joke, joke, joke Weird idea Something I'm not sure is real It's very It's great, I'm really enjoying it It's almost like some sort of site we know It is a lot like Yeah, there's a site somewhere like that

I'll have to check the archives By the way, that last comedy site tagline really does work because I feel like I look up my old internet rotation and everything was either bought by an aspiring conglomerate

or just some horrible tragedy befell the owners Yeah, it comes more true every day, sadly Yeah, and I feel like this is in, I guess, a good way like that thunder dome in the middle of the desert where like, hey, there's like running

water here and But there's a cost, a terrible cost I think a lot of that influence is Brockway I know me and I know that I work hard to make a lot of jokes, but like Brockway keeps us on that daily schedule whereas I, by now, after two and a half years, I would have absolutely been like

okay, we're taking the week off I cannot believe we haven't missed today We haven't even missed a podcast Ever, yeah, it's kind of impressive That is impressive It's a real website Even though like, there's no standards to live by anymore, we're just the last one

if you want jokes, it's we're your only choice Yeah, this is it, come on by or get fucked and die in the desert That's our new tag line There's a new like competing band of like raiders called like Deplines or something and

Gotta get those Johnny Depp websites Oh god, they're so funny though Like the way that lady pooped the bed during that trial Oh, everyone was so mean to each other Oh, it's funny stuff, funny stuff Oh yeah, I really like the bottom of humanity, like I really just want a

celebrity version of like an Elie Wiesel novel and I don't even understand that reference, but I agree I gotta read this book Okay, now I want to talk about our show today A lot of our best ideas come from one of us in Slack making a sarcastic joke and today's idea is one of those

Brockway, who is definitely kidding, said his dream media job would be just to sit around opening packs of insane trading cards and today we're making that dream come true, Denar. Gentlemen, I've mailed each of you I've mailed each of you a package

containing what should be eight packs of insane trading cards, please open them now, they've been selected entirely at random and this podcast will be opening up all of them to find the best one It's something I'm calling I gotta give you the title, it's called

Brockway's Best Day at Work Ever Tournament of Trading Cards You're not going to be wrong, there's no way this can be a curse, I stand by that even though I know this is going to be a curse Sean really did send us both packages in the mail and warned us to never open them, so I am genuinely tearing open a package right now

The rules are simple As you remove packs from the envelope I've sent you, I want you to arrange them in a horizontal line one through eight These are the eight brackets of our tournament, triple threat rules single elimination, trading card showdowns will be judged as you'd expect

by encapsulation of a treasured moment and to the death mortal combat To see who goes first I have included a card from the Wands Brothers game, The Dozens, a collectible card version of the game gentrified by Wilmer Valderrama, where people say mean things about each other's mother until someone can't take it

any more emotionally, so let's all read our Dozens card now, I'll go first Yo mama is so ugly you could stick her face in dough and make monster cookies Everybody's mom can suck it from that She puts her face in the dough

and that's a monster cookie, one gigantic monster cookie That is incredible and it's weird to see what one of these looks like when the writer was hungry I didn't get a food one either

Okay, so I got Yo mama's so ugly when she was born, the doctor smacked everyone I like that one, it's a good one I don't think they wrote it, I don't think that's an original No, I don't think they wrote this one

I have an original or at least I have If it's not an original they were just going off of memory and they got it wrong Mine is Yo mama's so stupid when she pulled into the drive-thru at McDonald's, she drove through the window

She's just a maniac driver It's hard to say who won there but luckily there's a number at the top It has a number to tell you how good the burn was because like many Wayne's Brothers projects, the dozens is subjectively bad for many reasons but objectively bad for at least

one My joke was worth five Yo mama points How'd you guys do? Mine has a seven and I also just want to note that the card itself starts the Yo mama gentrification kind of thing

because it is a very pale landscape on this card Oh, yeah I didn't even look at the art Wow, this is some monstrous art but also all white people You're right They look like they might be Dracula's

or trolls because Yo mama's so ugly she makes monster cookies on mine and I think she's a real monster But no blackulas on that card So we are gentrifying the Dracula I think it's safe to say that Yeah

Mine has a six but it says four bonus and it has no indicators as to what that might mean I had a four bonus too so your six beats my five even if you include our four bonuses I have a three bonus and

I feel like assigning meaning to that would require research projects Let's just go with the top left That's Denard, you had a seven you said? Yeah, I had a seven As our guest then you're going to go first You guys have your cards laid out in their tournament brackets

Just horizontally one through eight That's it I don't see numbers on mine It's all your decision how you're going to bracket these Oh, okay There's some gamesmanship, are we going to put our good ones first last Oh, okay, now I see

Okay, so Denard, you're going to go first, pick your far left pack Tell us what it is So my far left pack is because the gods are real and they favor me in this world a street fighter the movie

The beautiful movie with that that embison speech I feel like it's just encoded into my broken subconscious on some level Give us your best row, Julia Yeah, please But for me it was Tuesday

That was a pretty good round Very nice A lot of gravity toss We had a family movie night when I was coming up to just to sort of distract from the general world around us and my sister kept on picking Spice World

and I kept on picking these random video game adaptations and excellent choices Spice World's a good movie I appreciate that one more as an adult where I just come back and like they just made a sketch comedy show into a hour and a half long film and I kind of have to admire that for

a pop group, like they just really swang for it That was the same bad guy from Hudson Hawk, wasn't it? I'd have to IMDb it Was it just a white guy in the 90s? That could be too You can't ask me to tell them apart

So I just opened this and I was very careful not to destroy the front cover which just has guile just flexing forward right just full punch and ironing

Yup I guess the split would be the Yeah that's true I mean sex appeal brings them in every time Ladies love Street Fighter the movie So the first card in this magical packet

we have it looks like John Claude is just he's holding a reporter's mic and he's extending out to another character I think she's Cami in the film but my memory is Finn is all good down and the

That sounds right they made one of the women a sassy female reporter because that's in John Claude Van Damme's contract that all supporting actresses are sassy female reporters Yes of course I mean you need to balance out Van Damme you can't just have

like a karate Frenchman who's not French or karate and not have a sassy female reporter on the other end of that scale otherwise it's just it just descends into madness he needs it he needs it's his version of the all red Eminem Bowl contract thing

right so oh there's a relatively long caption on this one but uh should I just read it out or if it's a good one hell yeah absolutely not a lot of structure to this show today so you're here on a you don't need to ask if you want to read a caption it's fucking fair enough fair enough

no rules in this game oh this is just a description of the scene like the like the shot breakdown is a choice for a trading card like it just says bait taken bison cuts into the satellite feed to announce his demands

and then it just describes this entire scene which I hope it's just taken from the screenplay like in my dream of dreams this is verbatim what it got my god the 90s just they knew trading cards were everything

and the only idea but they also had no idea why anybody liked them or what they should do it was always just like well who is this for is this for the kid that has seen the movie and is going to get the card and be like I remember this scene no second step

or is it for a kid who hasn't seen the movie to like make them want to see the movie because he has no context there's no way this is a good idea I feel like this was to like make sure if society falls and vcrs no longer work there will still be a record of street fighter the movie training cards yeah you nailed it

this is a historical record preservation pods it's either that or this is for like screenwriting 203 students right flashcards now write this scene we'll compare it to the original and that's your grade the professor took a contract to make street fighter trading cards

and made us like undergrads do it no he's the guy that wrote the screenplay that's how that works yeah that makes sense okay it's just it's just those index cards that they that they always show writing staffs doing on TV shows and they're just transcribed there's

there is by the way a very important trading card here that uses the same flexing shot on the cover of the packet but it's just transposed against like this sort of 16-bit like street fighter 2 kind of shot sounds pretty cool you got a nice

pack I got the Flintstones movie trading card pack I forgot that existed this one says close make the caveman and it's Fred Flintstone in a fedora with like

a weirdly jacked John Goodman like I sort of remember him being like fat in the 90s but like he looks like he could pick up a truck what do you think he bulked up to play a caveman he his arms look pretty jacked like he's still like carrying a lot of weight but like he's

he looks powerful you see now you have me considering like a world where John Goodman just does the Christian bail transformation between movies I would love that yeah it just so happens they usually want a big fat guy well I mean that's fine and all

I guess this one just says Steve Reich and they're throwing a rock there it doesn't even show what he's aiming at it looks like two men throwing boulders at each other these are terrible cards I

Rockway would you get for your first round I got gum though I'm gonna try to eat this gum because it is from the 90s I shouldn't die I decided to open with madness so I have an extremely grainy photo of

a dinosaur don't worry you're not gonna be alone for very long extremely grainy photo of a dinosaur puppet and it says baby and that's the only word on it

I got great and it's good that I got baby because the tagline is great new adventure movie 10 cards one sticker one stick bubble gum and let's see if this was a movie that's an older movie than Flintstones don't remember it

that's gonna be bad oh that's some sharp gum that is definitely I think baby was a kids movie based on McKelley that the african brontosaurus okay okay I don't know

that either it's like a named african brontosaurus yeah there was like a brontosaurus living in Africa he's like the big foot of africa but he's a dinosaur and his name is like mb that's kind of a punch up of

the big foot concept like of all non psychic big I like that like you've been missing a dinosaur this whole time it's just been peeking its head over buildings and it feels like something that like a parent would make up to say stop looking at your phone

you're missing the dinosaurs in the backgrounds it's just running around out there glancing through these it seems like it has a lot of very low rent Jurassic Park adventure here's very low rent Sam Neill and

I'm blanking on her name they have their own Sam Neill and Laura Dern yeah Laura Dern that's it they have the very low rent one kind of looks like Steve Gutenberg a little bit so like it's like they couldn't afford a Steve Gutenberg but they really wanted one

uh he was doing police academy at the time or police academy 5 probably at the time and that I think so far my favorite card is just a picture of him on a motorcycle and it says Susan come back here is the name of the card? is Susan the dinosaur?

I don't know I assumed baby was the dinosaur because the baby isn't the dinosaur that's fucking insane it's just called baby the dinosaur is Kevin but there is a baby they call baby and the dinosaur Kevin takes care of the baby

multiple cards of this poor dinosaur wounded tending to as many wounds you got a real sad one they're giving like these snuff trading cards kind of I would not be surprised if this was like snuff Jurassic Park

we got threes a crowd with them all looking to hug each other and mother love mother love monster style is the one I'm going with oh because mother love monster style which is the two of them snuggling also has a black stain

from where the gum sat against it so now I'm gonna I'm gonna eat the gum of evil here that has stained this card oh it's also warped the paint on the front of the card into a gum shape I'll send you a picture

out of my teeth it was stuck together it's actually a familiar face that has the gum stain on it and has bubbled the paint on the front of the card so let's uh the gum was a mistake for a lot of reasons

oh my god you can hear it oh god my Flintstones gum had a touch of bend to it it didn't like shatter like trading card gum I feel like trading card gum I'm trying to spit it out because it's just dissolving oh no this is going into my body

uh oh uh oh I messed it up at least we had your final words I just want you to know that as that stuff does the opposite of biodegrading I'm pretty sure

it just becomes some kind of sodium pentothal like concoction I better get real high off of that oh man oh man that tastes like an old garage jeez yum and now you're filled with truth serum

that has a complex flavor I didn't make mention of this but my Flintstones cards only had 5 fucking trading cards in it that doesn't seem like enough mine had 10 a sticker and some poison I got a lot congratulations so I think we're deciding

oh sorry oh you had 7 I guess we're deciding between street fighter and baby let's consider how many you had 7 cards in street fighter I had 7 cards in street fighter I'd say that 6 of the photos are very enthusiastic and there's one just labeled behind the scenes

where they sort of gave up and John Claude Van Damme is looking at a snake an unrelated snake on like a cooler movie set he's like man remember when we made hard target god damn hard target was so much better than this bullshit thinking about tossing it in there I think they must have like rejected a shot

where he was just like looking at screenplays for better movies he was going to do next I think I want to give my vote to baby I think baby is the top yeah I got 10 cards a sticker a gum in quote marks and I also got poisoned

I'm almost certain so come on please give me that one it's like the last thing I will do on this earth and it's the only trace of baby on the planet as far as I know yeah I've never heard of this and it and after opening the card pack I don't believe it's real

I think maybe this was like a teaser for somebody that wanted to make this movie I don't think anybody made that movie it doesn't look like it you didn't convince me not only do I agree with baby because of how democracy works what I think doesn't matter it's true

your vote has been suppressed anyway thanks thanks Wilmer Balorama I don't even know what that means it seems like something should be his fault we're going to go to round two Brockway as the winner of the last round why don't you go first

and make note of baby is going into the quarterfinals or the semifinals okay my next pack is silly CDs collectible trading cards of silly CDs premiere edition so they

there's nothing worse than fucking original IP trading cards this is original IP and on the cover they promise and stink what is it I can't read the nose stench attack

I don't get that joke at all no stench attack it's got to be like a play on a 90 song name I don't know how you miss a target as broad as in sync

there's five dudes in it that's a lot to go off of everyone knew who they were yeah you could have made a fish named Lance Bass don't even have to change his name he's already got a fish name yeah oh my god oh my god

what is that he's looking into the void this can't be it no this is real this is your dream job okay they gave me five cards two of them are

pieces to a puzzle like you're going to assemble one massive CD cover out of the cards only they're not the same puzzle and three of them are not puzzle cards so you get the whole cards and then two two are unrelated pieces

more or less useless the same puzzle I got a duplicate of Pristina Aguilera who is being hit by eggs so three cards but you really only got two five cards in there I got two unrelated puzzle pieces a duplicate of Pristina Aguilera

Pristina Aguilera that's like that thing again there are so many things like tagged to her as a figure I don't know why isn't at least like a bad joke about those things just eggs and then the bullet points say

genie in an egg shell come on over easy all I want is gu messed that's a stretch if you're like oh eggs have gu you're like alright buddy I I'm not sure we can use that you're fired from the instinct trading card writing company

and the last when you put your ham on me okay I'm not kidding that's what it is I give that a seven out of ten I think when you it's it's really

evocative to me like I'm picturing someone put I'm not I don't enjoy the pun but I like to picture like an egg monster putting a ham on someone like I feel like if I saw that I'd be like oh no something terrible is happening happening like in an interesting way

like like I'd say this movie is great or this is a fun way to die depending on there's something they're doing they're doing something entirely new and that's not usually great in comedy but uh I just discovered yeah one of the why I have a duplicate one of them

is a randomly inserted sticker card so that's a sticker I can put somewhere and on the back is a list of their other stickers which are poop dog uh, instinct swinea swine I don't know what swinea swine is

sicky farton I don't know what sicky farton is 498 degrees morana like Madonna oozy ooze but which again I don't get backwash boys barfies favorites and enema

so pop plus bodily movement equals comedy is just a math formula we got that would get you kicked out of mad magazine it's like pitch room this is definitely like somebody that has written a lot of letters to mad

magazine and they don't open them anymore and they just like we do not accept unsolicited pitches trading cards what if this was a Psyop by like just a record agency saying

let's have people shitting on our guys let's make a series of parodies so bad everyone's like you just kill all the jokes about these people forever I also got instead of Dixie chicks it's Nixon chicks and they're all making the peace sign with Nixon faces and it says tonight the break

ends on me I'll take care of checkers loving armaments and light open spaces well that really ages the writer of that trading card yeah and we were doing this in the 90s so the kids would love it I think seeing Nixon's face

on the Dixie chicks is like the OANN version of like the Necronomicon yeah yeah yeah well that's yeah it's the most powerful curse that they that they know well I have the

spiritual opposite of that I have bingo which is a movie about a dog oh hell yeah trying to kill it's a fucking great movie everyone should go watch bingo there's only four cards from the movie two of them are from the same scene where they dress him up in a little skirt

and make him jump through a ring of fire because they just like found this dog and the circus is like fuck let's make him jump through that ring of fire and that's like the kind of movie that is and then the dog like go to jail and then like a whole bunch of new people want to kill him and then like some Nazis will be like I hate that dog

let's kill that dog and then the Nazis go after the dog there's like most of the state chasing the dog either because he abandoned the circus or because he you know upset some biker gang anyway there's a lot of people that want to kill a dog is the plot of bingo yes and so

I have four of those cards and then I also have six other cards that are just like it looks like wardrobe tests it's him on a in a studio against a white background and just different costumes some of them weren't used in the movie it's incredible so just like wow him in a cowboy hat and a scarf

and it says get along little doggy him in a flight scarf and it says look out red baron him in a groucho marks nose sunglasses or nose glasses and it says the missing brother it's an incredible pack of trading cards I really

like things from genres that just don't exist anymore like that kind of dog movie yeah like it's airbug but take out three of the hooks it's just like what if we replace them all with murderers yes whatever I just wanted to kill a weird dog that kind of can think and talk

but not really but was never explicitly spelled out right people treat it like a human but it's a dog when it needs to be a dog and yeah anyway it's such a such a weird movie it's gonna be weird when the nostalgia wheel turns

all the way back to this sort of thing again and you're gonna get like the CGI version of this kind of movie and the dog has to be a superhero because there's checking off boxes I can read you don't think that'll ever land like if you had a CGI dog like doing karate you're like well that's this sucks and they did I guess there's

a there's a movie called karate dog and there's a CGI part where he fights John Hoyt in a karate match and you're like and it does suck you disconnect the movie it does suck but the rest of the movie you're like I like watching the stunt dog run around doing things which is the appeal of bingo you like fall in love with this dog it's not like war

horse where you hate the stupid horse you're gonna get a sternly worded letter from a former child star soon from our massive contingency of horse girls that listen to the podcast you've just alienated half of our audience I bet horse people hate war horse

like that that movie they spent the whole time telling you how great that horse was and he didn't do fucking shit I feel like the life of a Hollywood horse can't be great like we're gonna get a version of Blackfish at some point just about film horses star celebrity horses

yeah I do appreciate a good horse stunt but I do think about how miraculous it is that they don't kill every horse every single time like when a guy gets shot on a horse like obviously the way they do that stunt is the rider just cranks that fucking horse into the ground really fast so it looks like

they got shot and I'm like yeah that should have killed that horse that should have broken his leg or whatever they train those horses to take a to break a fall which means they do it all the time that horrible fruit of thing I wonder if that's why Bojack was a horse

why he just wants to die oh that's a really good point he's seen too many of his comrades go down yeah I'm sure the attitude towards film horses is sort of like a we have reserves kind of thing yeah there's always another film horse Danard what did you get for your

second round scene so this is one I was very interested in because I have no context for it and that usually means magic and it's from AW Sports Inc and it's all world racing in a font

that I think you can just find on every old sort of like Lisa era Apple computer oh yeah yeah so it's just like auto racing oh yeah yeah it's like these Indy car drivers and are they all Indy or are they F1 racing

yeah it's like F1 racing and dole cars but sometimes there's magic in in cards where you're like why would they make trading cards about this and you're like oh wait I get it they've got to have one crazy air hot air balloon racing is such a fucking

fascinating sport and it's a mixture hot air balloon race I think you need Jackie Chan like in one of the balloons to sell that yeah you got to have one crazy rule is the thing this is just like

F1 racing except somebody's personal crusade some maniacs personal crusade like I can't believe you have to be strapped into the car it's just all rants about like seatbelt laws you've got to do the whole race in reverse

does it give you any hint what's different or is it just cars oh so it's actually mostly half drivers, half cars are they sexy poses are they sexy poses so there was not a real

editorial mandate on these because each of them sort of has a different strategy for this you brought Polaroids from home yeah like this one is just the guy sitting down looking cozy I think Willy T ribs who has my favorite name in these that's a great guy

yeah that's kind of it that sounds like something Wilmer of all the Rama would call your mama Willy when he's not calling my mama he's sort of trying to smolder at the camera and I appreciate that I think this Danny Sullivan

I think he wants to be the hero of this pack of cars he's trying to come with some folded arms like Captain America Circo 1990s energy is he nailing it is he nailing it not really because

it's a low bar it's a low bar to miss it's a low bar to miss sometimes when you play limbo your nose just slams into the thing and that was the most Jamaican childhood

yes I'm glad I could bring this relatable humor to is that a real thing that happened you hit a limbo bar when you were a child I had the flexibility of a sumo wrestler it was not working out but still competed in the limbo

still gave it your God's honest try that's called a hero you know I want to say that the hero of the limbo thing they would all clap politely you were the Rudy of limbo as long as I'm not the Giuliani variety

of Rudy I'm happy with that my favorite is actually Randy Lewis who is just looking super excited at a monitor next to a woman who does not care he's just doing video poker next to his girlfriend he brought a woman she's just like god damn it I don't even understand

what this is why are you doing a photo shoot from it is he a racer or is he just like checking some stats is he like a manager a pit crew guy he's a racer like the back of the car has him in his car so they had options

for like action shots or post action shots or stealing himself and they just chose him going like this is one of the first computers available to the public and I am loving this this is great just look up for one picture never it's too captivating

when I was a kid they did a bunch of collectible glasses of the Portland trailblazers and they thought it would be fun to do their personal hobbies instead of like their basketball positions and so they had like Buck Williams playing with like remote control airplanes and shit and it's just like what

what is the point of this Cliff Robinson was like playing video games and I'm like okay I guess I can relate to that I can't remember what everybody else had I think Clyde the Glyde was hunting a hobo I can't just saying the one nerdy kid into RC planes was like oh my god

I feel seen yeah he was very seen for the first time in my life that's incredible it's like selling cards of Muhammad Ali like making his bed right which again I would buy it's a strategy and I think Kevin Duckworth was racing

an F1 car so like it was it all that's why I brought it up it's very wrong all right I'm gonna go real quick you can go back to yours mine is just Thunderbirds or Go according to the old cracked editorial mandate the number three spot

has to be garbage so I put my garbage in number three and I remember that was the only non-random one because I thought that was about puppets and I thought you'd like that one but everything else I just pulled completely randomly from a pile right but everybody knows Thunderbirds it's just it's not gonna

they're not truly cursed puppets I see what we're really looking for I've got oh my god oh oh this

is something I did not know existed this is a 90s live action teen reboot of Thunderbirds like I guess they tried to make it like Power Rangers live action teen

that was a very mad libs yeah but I have it I'm looking at it right here if you told me that I'd say get the fuck out of my office the first card just has a couple of beautiful teens looking sad and it says severe talking to

damn gotta capture that moment for the training you got a severe talking to did we decide did we decide who won round two gotta had to be me at bingo right I think the dog around the world

running from Nazis probably outpaces guys staring at computer screen or silly CDs shouldn't be slept on for the madness that it is included but I we all know and love bingo like everybody would be so mad at me if I was like no something is better than bingo

no it's bingo you got it with bingo yeah it's a pretty strange one you've got like you're like oh this is trash but like just a couple of teens getting scolded getting put on a trading card is the kind of madness I thought it was trash because I thought it was just

about the thunderbirds of the puppets I had no idea the 90s live action sexy teen reboot movie happened I had no context for this I've got severe talking to just a picture of a landscape like some mountains

a landscape I see who I have no context of knowing but he does not look happy he's the pilot of thunderbird 2 and he operates the equipment thrilling card he's got the mole which is a picture of a drilling machine

again just some dry technical details the mighty thunderbird 2 which is a giant plane and they explicitly put nothing exciting on any of these cards that's incredible that is incredible

it's the one I'm putting forward so he said this is like a power rangers knockoff energy they're going for it I guess so I did not see any like any suits or anything but that's not what the thunderbirds do I'm just assuming like they saw the success of power rangers and we're like well we need

a super teen action squad of our own everybody loves thunderbirds so let's show them getting a severe talking to they're talking to you know you pick on these things they're like these sort of teen paramilitary organizations and

I'm trying to just imagine like did they just not read the putty patrol their Miranda rights or I think there is a bad boy this guy looks like a bad boy I think he's gonna gonna bad boy up the place and get his severe talking to so you can be like whatever and then leave and then come back at the pivotal moment

and they'll be like Brad he came back yeah don't make a big deal of it honey do you need anything but a leather jacket to be the bad boy teen thunderbird or is it just a lock he doesn't have a leather jacket but he also did not button the top three

buttons of his shirt so I think that's yeah I think that's like the Hawaiian version of a leather jacket right well let me jump in here I have this might be the most special packet trading cards I've ever seen it's called here's bow

by Fleer these are photo cards by John Derek of his wife Bo Derek I imagine the front has a drawing of her Michael Landon I think and an orangutan there's a a piece of a piece of

I have no idea what it's from okay the gum has been melted into like four times it's it's surface area and I cannot remove it from this poster I unfolded the poster and it is an off-center picture from a movie I haven't seen where there's four very naked men

I'm fully naked men chasing like there's surf and they're splashing through the water there's surf like covering up their pubic mounds and she's in like a white dress scared to death it does not like it's from a movie it looks like this is just like a crime a snuff

polaroid right the first card just says both sister Kerry helps John shoot and it is someone who's you wouldn't know just way behind the scenes looking at a camera save from the surf just a picture with no explanation of Bo Derek getting grabbed

by the beach these are just candids from the set of unnamed films I've never seen anything like it where men have grabbed Bo Derek this one says John's favorite photo it's just Bo Derek looking real sweaty and a pith helmet just I

guess she was doing like a you know colonizer movie and her husband's like oh fuck yeah my wife's looking hot colonize me you know that shows like a really just good core confidence to just not bother labeling or describing

what film these are because most of these cards is filled with extraneous data and this one felt you needed nothing Bo is enough yes the back is just a couple of shapes like it's just half red and half black and no text it doesn't seem like it's part of a puzzle it might be

but I can't imagine what the puzzle be because they all look like that I guess it's just you line up 40 trading cards and make a big long red line and a big long gray line this is the greatest pack of trading cards I've ever opened it's the biggest ruin that you put them all together and you're not gonna

I'm gonna scan this this poster you will not believe it you'll say yeah that's exactly how you described it and I don't believe you because I think the only audience of lunatics that would be buying a Bo Derek trading back card want to see specifically that yeah that's true

like I guess there's no other direction to take it she's looking good don't get me wrong I she's looking like she's not gonna be looking good for long yeah but they're not like beef cakey like they're she's fully closed in all them it's not like he's curbing out on his legs except the maniacs

are very naked all right I think once you buy the Bo Derek trading cards unfortunately they don't let you like within 500 meters of Bo Derek anymore that's fair that's fair because I would ask her about these cards and she would have no answers

I mean she says she's not gonna hurt her you have to open with that your honor I wouldn't I would never have touched her it was fine not gonna hurt you don't run don't run I'm gonna kill this fucking orangutan

no that's mark my words I just need you to understand my love this is what I did for you Bo Derek so Denard what'd you get for your third seed

so for my third seed I put in a wild card this one is Branson on stage where the location yeah yeah the location itself is a star and I am just loaded up with country music stars which these cards might be

way better than I'm giving them credit for because I am like this Jamaican dude in New York City so I am as far as targeted marketing goes this is the worst triangulation possible I think yeah you just lost like four points of street cred

I don't know how we measure it but you lost four of them yeah you can name all the osmonds now I can name like what's your problem with that Marie Osmond is my first one very nice that's strong and I didn't even know she

so these actually have a lot of utility because they have small biographies on the back which I appreciate more than random data bits that I am not going to memorize are there any that you look at and you're saying I gotta listen to this person's music like this this person looks

like a star so one Jim Owen is a sort of 1940s or 60s looking photograph of him and it just has a look that says my music has been in a later fallout game

okay yeah and I did not collect royalties for it and I did not get paid a cent and the back has him sort of brandishing a guitar like a baseball bat which I know it's posed but I choose to believe

that he has a really bad relationship with the press with a really interesting guitar style or everything is just that one clash cover just every show opening and closing I was going to say his wife is mouthing off

just a frame but it came out his mouth his wife and off so that's fun I've clearly been driven mad by Bo Derek trading cards well if you're anything like me you're slowly being poisoned by the gum you tried to eat that gum was a really bad idea Bo Derek came with some gum too

but like I said I won't be able to get that off the paper using any means I'll lead a chemist I have multiple gum packs in front of me I love comedy, I love podcasting all that if there is gum in here it's not going near my mouth that is we've got that dedication

I've got some there's a Lee Greenwood here who looks kind of like a muscular George Carlin which is just kind of bending my brain are they a stand up or are they a country music star let's see I think this is a straight flush of country music stars

oh yeah they are directly on theme here all these guys could be on country music music televisions I think the more Hollywood ones might say no to that appearance I think I'm going to vote for myself

I think Bo Derek is I've got to give it I was going to give it I was going to give it to Branson just from you didn't get like you didn't get the Wayne Newtons you didn't get the lounge in there, you got pure country

I'm going to give it to Bo Derek's Nuff Cards alright then by the rules of modified democracy Bo Derek is our champion so she's going to advance to the semis and now we're opening up

pack number four alright oh my god alright I'm going to start this round I've got snotty signs stickers 15 signs in each pack

it looks sort of like we draw the mad magazine mascot and the cracked magazine mascot but there's snot coming out of his nose these are stickers that are like warning signs they're all yellow like hazard signs this one says bed dangerous when wet

this one says Steven Munch's mucus wait wait oh can we go back a tick I heard the words bed dangerous when wet but meaning did not come out put this on your bed and then that tells

visitors in your bedroom that your bed is dangerous when wet meaning that you shouldn't touch the wet parts of your bed oh okay so warning yeah I don't think it's a sexual thing I think this is for people who pee in their bed this one says

I break for geeks but it's spelled B-R-E-A-K I don't know if that's a mistake or a pun meaning like they shatter when they see yeah maybe their heart breaks their bones shatter I don't know this one says boogers are beautiful and this one says josh is off the wall

so a lot of these are like personalized in case your name is josh now you have a little sticker this is josh is off the wall is there anything else on josh is off the wall no this one says rebecca reeks so maybe these are pranks you put these on like enemies backpack

Emily has B-O Chris is seriously stupid you just got a bunch of like personalized insults for the fences that you know them it's just incredible like um so it's this assumption that not only is there rebecca in your life

but you hate her that's nice you gotta hate you F-B-O you fucking bitch I hope he gets murdered by four new maniacs on a beach so that's mine I

see that's gonna get rebecca to like poison you with like sodium pentothal gum that's how this stuff circulates it's an ecosystem it's all connected yep alright I got bench warmer which is actually

from 2011 oh hell yeah I think I know what these cards are these are just bikini girl cards right unrelated to any cheerleaders like miscellaneous cheerleaders and it's their glamour shot

and their name and their hometown and something like identifying characteristics so that you know somebody knocks out their teeth they can find the body and then there's a short write-up about

how much whoever this is wants to fuck them and probably and it's nice to see this ancestor of the modern dating profile like little cards you swipe through see the bowdera cards there was none of that

like the guy who made the cards actually was fucking her and he didn't even like comment on it he was tired of it my god it takes a lot to get me off now do you just get that orangutan in here I don't need to explain it there's a special

offer on the back of the pack that if you get 20 of these bench warmer wrappers plus a check for 4.95 you can get a free autographed card I don't know which cheerleader it is I don't want to really think about

what people did with those cards they had autographed cards yeah like I've certainly tried to use it to track somehow it's microchipped I'm very very disappointed to report that

for some reason the horny cheerleader pack comes with gum how many how many wrappers do you have to send in to get like a bag of their toenails bag of their toenails well 20 for an autograph I gotta assume 50 50 for toenails 50

for leavings for some reason this gum I should be more thankful because it comes in a plastic wrapper whereas all the other times the gum is just shoved in there loosely and left to decay right so they knew that these cards needed to be

trusted even less yeah so you're not going to eat it? I am going to eat it I really don't like it it's only 11 years old it's in a plastic wrapper and it feels more like fruit leather than

shiv like the last one it's probably one of their skins shin skin from one of the cheerleaders it is skin flavored kind of like oh my god like a suntan lotion thing

could be skin as you chew this second piece of I hate it more than the one that cut me I didn't bring any way to spit this out are there any of the women you find particularly lovely

what are you calling for? not after tasting their skin I'm falling in love with the one with the best tasting skin let's see I like that's going to be a British reality TV show in a year

no they all look manufactured they all look like like a real doll which is very appealing to a certain kind of guy I lived in LA for a while so I did see several of these women and each time I felt like I was being hunted

yeah they're hard to tell apart yeah New York hot is kind of different LA hot is like I don't fully trust this thing as human and I'm looking for a place to hide

so in LA you like see your date and it's just some of you think okay so to like exercise a little murder right like that's what's going on here well I just kind of assume nobody else can see them right at that point like I look around like are you is this

like a mental thing I'm having right it's like is this just a girl you see sitting on the wing of a plane unscrewing nuts and bolts some sort of some sort of mechanical gremlin here to curse me for my hubris

your mom is so manufactured only you can see her the last one at least had the decency to just decay completely and this one is stuck in my teeth tasting like fucking Kansas cheerleader that's just a layer of enamel

now like that's your new tooth shield oh god they're stronger than ever before well denard what did you get can you be snot signs and hot ladies so let's see let's see if it can beat the sexual harassment olympics there so I got the

iditarod the last oh hell yeah I got some of those I own those very nice very nice and yeah these are all um I feel like they are trying to test my soul as a professional mocker because the back of each of these is some story of human

like achievement or overcoming long odds it's cold when you do that yeah those guys are they work hard to race those dogs and um you know it's they're doing at least one tenth of the work of the uh dog in the back and

well yeah I think the dog does most of the work sure well I don't know in every pack you get a guy that died in the lake like a guarantee every pack that's died in the lake so it's not like it's nothing there's actually a one or two of these are facts too like this one just says that

you know only Arctic northern bred dogs are permitted to enter the race and Ryan he just says the reason for the rule is obvious he just explains that other dogs would fucking die oh I guess that makes sense you can put them in a sweater I mean it feels

like I don't know it feels a little exclusive of the packs that I opened of the Iditarod I liked them because there was quite a few that had like cheesecake photos like they were definitely posing it up to to get that sex appeal but it was mixed in with general concepts

like I got one that was just night and it was just explaining the night like the night is colder than the day oh shit tell me about that card night is a time where if you a long time ago if you went outside people just didn't see you again you were just gone

that's night oh my favorite of these is a rookie who his name is Bruce Lee and I really like to imagine his whole Iditarod career is him looking at the ceiling and saying you are named Bruce Lee

you have to live to at least some of this you can do this it's the one thing I know I can take anybody in a kung fu fight and this bearded Bruce Lee like he sort of posed squinting looking ahead thinking I can be at least

like a quarter jeet kondo if I win this race hell yeah these little problematic noises when he races he's like okay Bruce Lee those noises were super popular at the time and now they just cut

it from all the footage I straight up still can't throw a sidekick without making that sound it's a real problem oh man there has to be a g4 clip like somewhere in the archives there's no way there isn't we can get that clip

on this podcast keep getting Sean pumped oh man like right after the Europop opening theme is just the problematic kicking sounds montage please turn it off I'm sorry

I'm sorry Asian community and Bruce Lee's a state you're gonna have to fire up notepad to explain that one it's true it's gonna take more than a tweet alright well no I was just gonna vote but if you have more to add from that pack

oh I just wanted to say that I kind of appreciate that there's a very non cheesecake photo of their 1985 champion one um Libby Riddles Libby Riddles is a good name he's a legend oh yeah Libby is a

great name and her sled like broke before she reached some checkpoint called no mid 1985 and she just kept going and figured like okay there's less sled that's less weight right this is going well and Libby logic that's what they call it out there in the snow

I could solve this riddles that's what she said to herself I guarantee and I guess I guess she did because she's a 1985 champion so good for Libby yeah somehow I have heartburn

from the gum I just I I still I've still got more gum to go I do have I do have a gum I skipped I didn't tell you that Bingo had a gum oh you son of a bitch I'm gonna have some oh it's the real later skin

okay it's real chalky but does it have any chew left to it or is it pure dissolved into oh it's disintegrating incredible it's it's completely sharp until it until it gets

crushed by my teeth and then it's just gone and then my whole mouth tastes like I took a bite of chalk and then soaks into the wound like a parasite yes sealing it completely like a lightsaber wound all right I vote for the I did a rod because I've seen those cars and they're amazing

yeah if if I had a pack of snotty signs cheerleader cards or I did a rod the I did a rod is the first one I open excitedly I'm very happy to take the win on that one for the record I'm gonna just vote for the bench warmers because

I there it's just in that genre of thing where you just know they really sign up for it so much as they said it's in your contract yeah you didn't look at what you signed they're like I only get $80 a week for this and it's 40 hours of training

dietary restriction and now you're basically selling me to card maniacs you know I'm not gonna survive this we need your autograph on 650 of them too I never learned to read right what really elevated

that one for me is that it came with gum why would it come with gum the gum is there for children not not for perverts special pervert gum want to get rid of some of the pent up

physical pervert energy that they had like just chewing that's what it is heavy chewing so Denard you're starting on round five okay so I have and this was I thought would be a special one

and um this is another incident that it's an institution but just before my time so these are alf trading cards oh hell yeah yeah five cards one sticker and one one one stick of gum

hold on even if I'm just gonna call it right now before you get into your cards if you have anything if you have one about alf eating a cat you win yeah I think you have alf eats a cat that's the trading card rule I appreciate that I appreciate it so I'll start with this sticker because this is what they decided

you'd be willing to you know slap on a light pole risk the wrath of the NYPD and it's just it says alf a girl's best friend he's posing with the female lead and she's at first it looks like she's doing a thumbs up thing

behind her but she's sort of fist bumping him but sort of nuzzling him it's a very confused gesture is she jerking him off like tell the truth are you dancing around it okay she's she's sort of hand jobbing his like hand dick like it's alien

you don't know where alf's yeah where's his genitals we don't know like every fist bump he just gets a sort of shutter that you feel a little dirty it's appropriate for a puppet very appropriate for a puppet and then we have a sort of

they put a speech bubble on it ala you know like a hot dog article so I kind of appreciate that and it's a he's dressed up like I didn't know that aliens could sort of project human racism but he had that sort of Roma outfit on and a crystal ball

like like he studied our television very carefully and it's he's saying I can't see but when I'm about this the voice I use it's not alf I don't know what alf sounds like I am improvising I can't see the future but I am getting a rerun of different strokes

I love that alf voice that's my new alf voice in my head all right so that is our new alf there's another one where he's sitting in front of an older gentleman I am clearly the straight man in the scenario versus alf and tixie saying

you're right TV is a lot better when it's plugged in that actually sounds a lot like alf on that one thank you thank you and I think that's a review of TV you can only get in the 80s before like if alf turned on our television now we'd say

what kind of waking nightmare is this planet wrapped up in get really into fox news yeah like alf just did you know they're trying to replace the white humans you gotta do something just a great replacement theory

theme to the new alf and then there's one where they sort of break format where he says this isn't your shirt Willy I borrowed it from a neighbor's clothesline which I guess alf steals I'm sort of slowly learning alf's personality through these cards so they have to be achieving something

like I can't oh fuck you're trying to get a trading card yeah so these at least as a branding exercise but a backstory thing for me I was a advertising demon for like two years and my life now is basically a my name is Earl just redemption thing for having

been anywhere near that you've got a ways to go I had an advertising job for a year too way back in 1999 you're still working on that one still working on paying that karmic debt off I feel like I got it I feel like I took care of it

oh see sometime in the next 20 years you got it yeah you know just before like the wrinkles start setting in like you'll settle that debt and oh the universe has been kind for once give us the voice please

so the cat's missing why is everybody looking at me oh hell yeah fuck yeah that's a win that's a win I can see I can kind of see why that was like the standout alpha joke because you're thinking okay what's what's the gag about

like an alien morphology with a nuclear family that we can tell on television without people saying you're a crazy person or who is sad and lazy and I think this I think this works wasn't what the cone heads

wasn't it that they they jack off by rubbing the cones I think so yeah there's a real sexual thing when they rub that was that was the direction they went so it was either that or eating cats and I remember Gonzo on the Muppets would fuck chickens and I always thought that was

like a real memorable Gonzo an alien I guess yeah I think he or he's a weirdo I think is technically what he is like red condit that he was an alien yeah I think they made him without having an answer just enjoyed the pure joy of having this

thing from the black lagoon and then three people with my or Sean baby's old job just walked in and said he has to be an alien now yes yeah we got we gotta have a girl and a baby and maybe a robot

version I don't know well I'm just playing for fun but I got some 1990 soccer trading cards and I'm not kidding that's their title it just says 1990 soccer trading cards of the real generic soccer ball these are major indoor soccer league

trading cards I got a guy named tattoo that's his whole fucking name this guy's name is Greg Ion these are all just pictures of dudes playing soccer this guy's name is pato margettich which is a political slur in let speaking countries

incredible Steve Zungle and this guy I apologize everyone he panicked on that last name this one's great it says incredible goal meaning like it's not his position it's just like guys we gotta fucking record this incredible goal on a trading

card and Steve Zungle has like balding hair but he's grew it out in the back so he kinda looks like a street maniac and he is just kicking a ball anyway I want to apologize to the entire world for this guy's name

including him his name is Richard china poo china it's spelled like it sounds china poo I just had a sort of bifurcated kind of moment like what did it call that thing the barrenstein bear effect

oh yeah the mandela effect and it was between sort of two versions of the same joke I didn't know which one applied to reality but I don't know if that's the name that they force on you at Ellis Island or that they kill at Ellis Island that's a good point it is one of those

absolutely a real mean spirited guy who talks like fuck you I can't say all that Ling Ling your name's china poo now give him a minute yeah like which world are we in I don't know but I thought I could meet him for china poo and again I

apologize to everybody I'm sure there's some great people named china poo out there I once got a facebook friend request from a tie girl named Ciri porn prom thong and I was like that's a fucking name wow I think I might even mention another podcast

I think about Ciri porn prom thong every day you better have accepted that friend request hell yes I did I started texting I think she was like a bot or or something some sort of a spam creature but like I did send her a message and just said I want to be your best friend

Ciri porn prom thong does anybody ever just stop and reflect on the fact that we do have rogue we're running rampant and it's porn bots trying to scam us out of like $15 yeah I didn't give her $15 I gave her $6 grand and a bag of my toenails

the greatest future we just have rogue robots everywhere and they're just they're just like they're just like hobos they're just trying they're desperately trying to get us to to give them like five bucks and they most of the time they don't get it I am your uncle

give me a dollar give me one dollar you know by sending an A.I. your toenails you might have actually sort of dick this all over because now they're going to associate human nails with value and that's going to be some real C.I.A. torture yeah you taught him what currency is

what is that that basilisk thing were you do you know what I'm talking about yeah yeah Roscoe's basilisk I might be getting the name out but it's an R name but ours basilisk we'll just call it and it's the idea that it's Roco's basilisk

Roco's basilisk I don't know I thought maybe he's a trucker or something that's the spicy one but yeah please explain it it's a very very strange concept it's a very strange concept it's the idea that if there is an A.I. that will

rule the future and there inevitably will be in this construction you should be deferential and worshipful towards it because it can destroy you retroactively because that's like infinite power or whatever it's like Pascal's it's a major for everything yeah the idea is that if you don't

help it if you don't actually help the robots conquer us then it will see you as an enemy in the future and theoretically create a perfect simulation of you that it can torture forever in some sort of a you know that's some shit a robot would come up with to threaten me

fuck you robot quizzling I guarantee you at least one person is right now because it is this concept that you're not supposed to mention because once you mention it all the robots will be like oh shit that's a really

good idea someone first brought this up and like whatever nerd form it brought up people were like shut the fuck up about the roco's basilisk you idiots it's like we're teaching god about sin when we like talk about roco's basilisk

yeah and that's the kind of thing trading cards do is they unlock these types of discussions good trading cards yes let me go through mine I got Superman 3 which you might remember as the one

with Richard Pryor of course yeah with the oppa space scam yeah however looking through them I don't think any of these have Richard Pryor on them yeah it was not a really visually exciting movie either if I recall

oh wait no he's on the back on the back of every card is Superman with his hands on his hips and Richard Pryor looking like he's freaking out that's their like template oh wait no I got a sticker oh shit I got a sticker of Richard Pryor dressed up in army gear looking like

he's going to kung fu chop Superman so that's fucking rules I'm very happy about that that almost makes up for this scam oh god damn oh that was a smash

oh I was sure it was one yet oh fuck this is all of you bastard no one knows what's sealing up you're going to glue your mouth shut help help at least you'll die on your best day of work

ever I'm glad they decided to on the Richard Pryor factor of those cards by the way like okay what's our unique selling point there's my resume sneaking up on me again

you can't escape it by the way I'm going to tainted by sin by the way any future AI overlords I just want to say they are punk bitches as the kids say oh hell yeah pick a fight with the future

exactly I am preemptively declaring myself a John Connor figure I've always like my first site was called I fight robots I've always talked shit about robots and I'm starting to wonder if that's why I'm trapped in this decaying body I could be

in the simulation right now and all of a sudden a lot of shit makes sense so there's nothing to do but double triple down on it like fuck you robots eat my shit it's the only path I'm going to embrace a little hypocrisy now we try the um

Alf gum because I'm glad you came along that's the jackass peer pressure nothing can hurt you it's a simulation do it do it do it wow sugar is eternal it's just dissolving into like this ho ho's creme mix

wasn't even sharp to start you got a non-sharp one oh no it's becoming awful now something something ungodly is happening you gotta wait for it to dissolve and really get in your bloodstream check the ingredients if it's alf gum it's probably made out of cat it's very possible

part of the joke it's a little bit hairy oh yeah oh yeah that's getting worse yeah give it a little bit and your eyes will start dilating I tell you now it's kicking in is when light sources become intolerable well that round

goes to alf so you're starting round five here alright alright I am happy to do that so I have comic ball it's called comic ball featuring Ken Griffey Jr. and Senior Jim Abbott

oh that sounds crazy Rooney Tunes characters oh my god this is gonna be bad it sounds sight unseen like a baseball space jam let's see what it gives me low rent in the baseball space jam

yeah oh wow so I guess you're probably wondering are these going to be tunes projected onto a real background or real people practicing on the tune background or or just like ball boys dressed up

as the characters because they didn't have the money so that's the version I would advocate and either the thumb is reaching my brain or they picked the funny choice and they put the real people on the tune background

that is the bold choice I mean I guess you gotta be if you do an inverse space jam you gotta commit oh my god my mouth is so foamy fuck it's so hard to talk you might really be dying

that one that bubbled through I'll take a picture we'll put that on a podcast like it left a black gum shaped stain and bubbled through the paint on the front like that's definitely the one that killed me if you don't hear from me again good to know

you know if your insurance or if any of our insurance like listens to this episode and we try to make any kind of claim they say no no fuck off you did this oh I make so many claims dammit oh yes it's not gonna help alright so

so first off I have a duplicate so I'm gonna read that one out since they gave me it twice and it's just it's just our baseball protagonist Jim staring at Bugs Bunny and Marvin the Martian and Daffy Duck is in the losers position

as usual and he was saying hey Marvin, hey Bugs so you know the dialogue is whip cracking here and Bugs Bunny just says hey Jim hey hey how's the wife how's the wife, yeah and

Marvin I guess carries this one cause he says oh hello Mr. Abbott I was just demonstrating the physique modulator to our new guests and then Daffy's just getting shaken by the Bottichon 2000

oh what is going on in this car Jesus it's really not what you want to do in a single still image mistakes have been made so to speak and oh okay so

this is different the backs of these actually have trivia questions some are baseball some are loony tunes I won't know either that's a great big diagram it is a wild one this one just asks question

Porky Pig's last appearance in a legitimate Warner Brothers theatrical cartoon was in a 1961 loony tune I guess that's a singular loony tune directed by Robert McKinson in which he was pitted against Daffy Duck

in a situation of competing desert ends can you name this farewell appearance by termite terrace's oldest star fucking I wouldn't even want to meet a person who could I love there's one word in there that just

sends utter chaos through everything that follows and that's the word legitimate what are you aware of a porno parody a porno parody fucking pirate scene is there someone just clutching

their pen gripped in anger at all the Tawana Bibles of loony tunes characters speaking of Bible the idea that I'm thinking if they're competing desert ends that kind of gives me like a Jesus vibe

what if this is like is Daffy Duck the guy who sends Jesus away in Porky Pig's like sure you can stay in the barn is it a retelling of that's my guess well then you would have to guess the name from that

um maniac majors maniac majors that has legs I like maniac majors better than the real name here which is Daffy's in trouble that's nothing

that's every single card that's the starting point of every single cartoon could you imagine someone hearing that card and being like Daffy's in trouble 1961 like that's the fucking worst person that will ever exist insane that they think anyone would know that they will grow up to request an autographed

card from the bench warmers that's like every person that's what they think love is yep they're waiting in line no wife or kids to get a picture with Bugs Bunny at Six Flags for six hours they're just oh I gotta meet Bugs Bunny

gotta meet Bugs Bunny oh yeah oh yeah that's gonna real personal Bugs Bunny questions now in episode Daffy hates pancakes you know I really identified with Daffy growing up

and I really think he could have treated him a little better it's around 17 and I want to die already you gotta get the fuck out of here look at it's it's high noon I'm halfway through an edible already can we just move this one along

I've got three songs to get through and none of them are good I'll say whatever you want to hear man I'll jerk you off I just need water they won't give me any water well I don't want to make anyone jealous but my card pack comes with 10 cards one sticker

one stick of bubble gum the A team but the gum is missing I opened the pack and there's no gum but there is a gum stain on one of these cards so I don't know if it disintegrated completely or somehow fell out of the pack

and then got resealed it had to have disintegrated completely I bet if you chew the card I gotta eat one of these cards that's the key so I got a face card Templeton the Face Man pack and then I got two of the girl from season one I don't recall her name

and I think they know that because the caption on this picture for smiling is wouldn't you like to know I'm not kidding that's really what it says under her picture and then the other one says beautiful but deadly and I don't recall her being deadly I recall her being at the command center

and not getting a ton of action or something so she was just beautiful but beautiful beautiful but beautiful would you like to know her name this one the caption is time to go and it's got BA in a wheelchair and they're shoving him and he looks like

I want to say he's doing like a Stevie Wonder bit like he's if you imagine like Stevie Wonder really getting into a note and shaking his head around it looks like he's doing that like maybe he's shaking off some drugs that they gave him to get him on a plane it's weird incredible this one says BA's biggest van

and it's a garbage truck don't I'm sure I don't remember that episode you love fans so all trucks this one just says out of control it's a car like corkscrewing along like a dusty field like just whatever they launched it out of

far off frame it's just a car fucking rolling this one's just basing are you nuts and this one's a guy getting killed on a bike and it says no escape so pretty fucking sweet pack of cards all but three of those were BA right there was only

I guess I do have some other BA's I didn't mention one of them says up against the wall and he's standing up against the wall but he's pointing at you and then there's one a group shot with BA Sergeant Bosco BA bad attitude Barakas

that's from everybody that's been read that off a card impressive they know where their bread is buttered huh yeah yeah that's it I also love the 18 when they would launch the cars like the gunfights in the 18 where people make fun of them because they would never shoot anybody

they shoot at the ground at each other's feet yeah and they would have like all these machine guns no one gets hit but then when they're doing the car chases they never make it more than half a block before one of the cars just hits half a ramp and just careens it through the sky so sweet so sweet everybody dies

like the snow stunt man made it out of that right I've been in high def like every one of those cars is empty it would just be completely apparent they would just launch these unmanned cars onto the ramp right you would not agree to be in those when it comes to that sort of stock joke about the A team

and no one getting shot I always just imagine like this is primetime TV in the 80s are looking for like the raid version of the A team like just wrote my dream movie though my answer was yes

okay yeah let's pitch that one later we might need to get this script on desk because they did make a reboot but the reboot was still just I mean it was still very PG I believe yeah I'm just imagining like the modern equivalent

of Mr. T doing that thing where like Rama basically dribbles the guy's head against the door frame see I'm picturing the leg swings where he grabs him by the leg and just swings him like over into an axe uses an axe backwards sticks the axe in something

and swings a man into it that's my favorite move so the reverse axe well well my card is Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2 and has them looking at a glowing man whole cover and Michelangelo

was saying the movie sequel dudes if you get a vanilla ice card I was going to say I have a gambit I would like to propose if I get the specific card where vanilla ice is dancing with the Ninja Turtles

I win the round alright I love that in the movie because the ninjas fall into the room and I think in the movie they were secret like no one knew these like turtle men existed and they came through the wall fighting and vanilla ice is like

okay shit yeah we'll just make a song about this and so he does you know that's the Ninja Ninja rap he does like completely freestyle after seeing a thing that should not exist burst into his show that's how he deals with trauma that's how he processes trauma

I'm remembering this now I saw this when I was I saw this at a weird I feel like it was two years before like watch and comprehend Ninja Turtles age so now like right bring it back like an early memory for you yeah like the brain groove impressions

of the Ninja Turtles are now coming to me so my very first card is the birth of Ninja rap and the Ninja Turtles dancing at the vanilla ice show oh shit that's a fucking win very first card slam don't I have to assume I just have to assume every single pack

has that as the first card because they have to know you know they have to know what we're here to see and that's the Ninja rap because they have to know I've never been this lucky in my life if that's not the answer I cannot have that'd be a sad thing to use up all your luck

while you're dying of gun poisoning they basically have to choose between like the chairs of children or the modern gotcha game strategy of just people buying 12 of these trying to get the fucking Ninja rap card yeah I think they do

they didn't know enough to exploit us in that way otherwise it would have been much more vile but I think they also knew that nobody was going to do that for two nobody was that enamored with two so they just had to be like we got to give the fans what they wanted they were never going to come back

for whatever happened in three and I did not come back they were correct alright was three when they introduced sort of the I remember there was a fifth girl one was she magic or is my brain just melting I have no I don't think I ever saw anything past two

guys I remember that they were dressed to samurai on the poster about it you could tell me that they were all A team ripoffs after that and I still you know what I actually probably would watch that I'd watch the Ninja Turtles A team for sure yeah yeah yeah and again I still kind of want

the Rama doorway head with the Ninja Turtles like it's not even going to be like Raphael having a rage out it's just Michelangelo doing a bit while he kills me I've got mutant attack which is just one of the mutants that's nothing

however I do have cool it Kino was that Ernie Ray's junior yeah that was Ernie Ray's junior wasn't it I can't make him out on the card he's just like a blurry thing that they're throwing off into the garbage but I like that they have Kino trademarked the little trademark symbol

like they can't they can't say they really didn't do a lot with that Kino trademark I'm assuming that like the game Kino made them put a trademark on it they have the license the name from Kino maybe

oh man I wonder how many IDW lawyers just show up at your door if you just name a background character Kino like can you test that out in Billy Karate just see just see who appears yes I can test out

potential lawsuits in my screen of course man these cards suck they're just like they're not even the scenes they're like the transitory periods between scenes when this is like let the games begin and it's a picture of Shredder and his henchmen and they're just kind of like one's

looking at the ground and one's looking off to the side like that's the iconic moment exterior street night that's your card and here's one that says four turtles and it has a scientist like about to talk to the ninja turtles everyone remembers that moment they don't have to be good you got

the fucking one we all remember I know which is good because the rest of these it's Denard's first memory that's like he came out of the womb and saw that and then we just brought it back to him I retroactively gave him that memory just now from this experience yeah this is the result of

my mom just like his sister kind of came out boring I'm going to fuck with this one I'm going to see just what elements can create this little I tell you what put on the ninja wrap while I give birth the first thing in years the doctor's like already got acute up man oh another one of those huh

it's like I didn't know you weren't supposed to do that okay uh to change my policy next time alright we got two more rounds who do we who do we think oh wait you won because of the vanilla ice gambit yes I did so congratulations so you're going first in the seventh round

I have the 2004 pacific Garfield collection I assume pacific has to do with the cards but I really want it to do with the ocean that packet is a loaded gun that is a loaded gun look for randomly

inserted Jim Davis autograph cards oh my god with all new vinyl window cling stickers vinyl stickers you say oh my so these autographed ones is that like an afternooner where he signs three and tells them to like piss off

or does he just labor for two weeks of just wrist annihilating I would like to propose the Garfield Gambit if I get an autographed card I went clearly let's see I am amenable to the Garfield Gambit because I think they're going to gotcha

the autograph cards like you're going to have to buy packet after packet yeah there's no way that's what Jimmy won autographed by Garfield by Jim Davis Jim Davis autograph card I got a card for Garfield movie got a card advertising a different property technically

no I was wrong it's for the Garfield eyes logo of the 20th century Fox from the movie because they put stripes on the 20th century Fox logo it's specifically for that moment from the Garfield movie which is bad that's a bad trading card

that's a bad trading card that is an impressively bad trading card I think it's maybe very on brand in the way it's bad like that is just a still from a Garfield cartoon that's not out of their wheelhouse it's a very obscure moment

to commemorate the time they put stripes on the 20th century Fox logo in the Garfield movie in some deep cut desperation my way or the highway Garfield kicking Odie see that's what I expected from this I think Garfield gold and it's a 1978 version

of Odie so we're doing like okay like Garfield memories retrospectives which is just kind of weird Garfield on work he means saying you just missed me being brilliant that's his like thoughts on work yeah just the general

concept of work and that is it with the anodyne nothing of like Garfield punchlines have you guys ever fallen into that YouTube rabbit hole I think the guy who made the video was called mother's basement or something before he had like the Garfield

cash machine he tried to make a sort of heartfelt strip about like cartoonist life called John okay right like pre Garfield so sad and the cat was just a bit character and the world

descended on his strip like him talking to his life and struggle to said more cats more of the cat like okay I could do one or two no you don't send all cats in fact your whole life every waking moment should be

dedicated to one or two jokes tops from this cat I lied I had 45 books oh yeah Garfield calm it's a party online and you're invited just an advertisement

for Garfield calm which that sounds still exists but be a very different place it takes me to nick.com slash show slash Garfield so this is oh it's a redirect that's sad yeah the world knows Garfield.com

is a redirect yep wow dark times I think that going to nick instead of something owned directly by the three-headed Jim Davis monster is a failure that someone

was killed for yeah for sure maybe they maybe the domain squad at Garfield.com from him just savage brilliance well my gambit failed therefore I automatically lose that's that's the gambit why don't you go next mine

is a hardcore dud okay so what I have here is sort of what I think could be a silver bullet one which is just some world wrestling federation WrestleMania 3

yes WrestleMania 3 trading cards oh hell yeah that was a hit Billy Jim had a six man tag team match with him in two dwarfs King Kong Bundy in two dwarfs imagine all of the other things you

could know instead of that honestly I am willing to replace all the like the remnants the whiffs of calculus lingering in my brain I could I'll take that instead Hulk Hogan body slammed under the giant that night

yeah that's actually the first card I have here the giant is slammed because they know where the money is yeah there's no chance you're not winning this round with a Hulk Hogan body slam under the giant yeah that's a great moment it's a lightning they keep trying

to strike twice because I spend an inordinate amount of time watching every wrestling promotion and mm-hmm it's a sort there's a sort of a stock match structure of Ken Bianca Belair Suplexus large woman yes she's done it 13 times but yeah it's

you'll get it big man fall if you have a man's if you have a man's help when your body slamming him you can kind of body slam an unlimited size guy and if you're if you're a Hulk Hogan and you're 300 pounds already with like his massive strength

and Andre like they listed him at 700 he was probably closer to 600 I'm saying he can do it like what I did pro wrestling training and I'm well I'm 210 pounds I'm relatively beefy like I can I can bench 200

so I can like I could I could tear a child's head off if I had to right and they we wrestled with a guy named moondog meridian he was probably 350 or maybe more 370 and that's like the guy they trained us to body slam on and we saw him were like this fucking stupid he's way too big and they're like no

I'll just put my hand on your leg like this and we're like oh okay so so like it that was like the day one of training so I'm just saying like Hulk Hogan who's done it his whole life and under the giant who's also pro I it wasn't quite a biggest a bigger feat I think I don't want to

destroy the cave a and I'm saying that if you if you put that card in your wallet right now and any other scenario comes up where you might have to win something and you pull out Hulk Hogan body slamming Andre the giant you will

win that thing absolutely like basketball game you win yeah I think this card's value there was this I think was a gale Simone thing there's just this DC comics thing where there was this thing called a get out of hell free card and I think I could go to the pearly gates and just sort of with this mother

out I got it I got a baby yeah and they'll just let me sort of saddle on to the non advertising line of people and I'll feel good about that that's why your body isn't dissolving you have escaped the basilisk yep I also guys were sure I sent you anthrax

and here I am sending you a get out of hell free card okay my mouth is still foaming I'm pretty sure you sent me anthrax definitely killed you this is a good time to bring up that this does in fact include gum and this is gum from

Vince McMahon who doesn't really laws he does not believe in safety laws or human life that's like bushwhacker here that's what that comes made out of so join me in the foam if you don't hear my dulcet tones

for the rest of this episode that's what happens okay well you got it but you have that card so here you know where you're going yep and this one tastes the same yep same point up there's a chalk okay that delicious chalk

is it melting into any kind of unique poison over time or exact same poison this one is definitely higher sugar content so the one different one I had the bench warmer cheerleaders can come I did

appreciate a break from pink chalk stab you gum but I did not appreciate the execution of that break it was so much worse than regular it was like I think it tried to be fruit flavored but it has decayed into some sort of mockery of taste

yeah that that sounds like the Egyptian curse I just put in my mouth and I think it's a little like um you know on breaking back when Jesse makes meth wrong yes I think this is what that's the flavor yeah

it's the same consistency too that shattered crystal that big cookie tray of crystal that gets shattered that's how they make it cut your mouth up and then dissolves right into it for just at least a fast delivery system oh we have a card for my favorite um sort of just one of my

favorite all the rest was just the dynamite kids in here oh yeah and it's got him holding the ropes and yeah that's just just cool um yeah it's got his way to two five pounds he's from the UK obviously and um there is um no punchline there so if your

childhood wasn't enmeshed into stuff sorry folks but um I'm really happy to have a dynamite kid part dynamite kid he was great look him up yeah and um I have a hunky-tunk magnet sticker here which oh shit yeah

and normally in these pro wrestling photos they either look exhausted or they're sort of glowering at the camera projecting that combat persona and the joy of professionally being the hunky-tunk

man actually just comes through in this shot just happy to be here boss he does not look like he's about to clock you with this guitar like I get to pretend to be Elvis and suplex people this this is the fucking best thank you I

will trade in my get out of hell free card for this career for sure and yeah these are all cool also we got Billy Jack Haynes here and I'm a nerd so you can see why I got on how I got on the side in the first place and uh the

it's back-ended uh sorry from going over time or anything here no you're fine and it's back-ended actually with a heart foundation just group they're just strutting which is always nice uh Jim the Anvil Knight heart Bret Hart

yeah and they've got the shade they've got the shades on which is very entertaining and oh they actually use the word strut in the description uh the backs of these cards are kind of nothing but the photos and captions are great enough they don't really care but like the back just says

the heart foundation struts their stuff as they enter the ring oh yeah nobody's they didn't want to hire a writer yeah that is I guarantee that came up they made the wrestlers write their own yeah we strut our stuff

is that good Bret I don't fucking care Jim hey Jim hey Jim did you did you get a a hip Billy Jim or a King Kong Bundy with their dwarves let's see uh no luck on the Jim Bundy front unfortunately

but um all this other good stuff however is here so I would call this a very um successful pack of cards that's a win yeah that's a win I got the X Factor trading cards which is uh like the British American Idol uh it's awful

it's just as like a card that says boot camp and it's just like 12 random people on a stage uh this one says audition he's 2010 G and S it's just a fucking guy and a lady singing you go in the back says oh they saying don't stop believing I don't even know if they've got through I think it's just as audition ease

like so it's not even they just random like people that showed up to try that for it people from a TV show that like you know the enduring legacy of X Factor uh so yeah obviously I didn't win with uh with you getting Hogan body slamming Andre

I'm gonna cut all that shit where I'm like talking about how that was easy most people would die if they body slammed Andre and it's a story about how he like he slipped a disc he's like oh I almost died body slamming Andre so maybe like it scales up parabolically after you cross into the 500

pounds which again seems really reasonable that um it's yeah you can really imagine that log scale graph yeah I totally used the wrong math term for the shape of graph there for those of you who majored in things that matter I apologize

yeah I that was my major for a little while but I don't I don't have any idea how and I am personally offended well we do have one more pack of cards I feel like we should push that into like a bonus podcast we'll do the finals in the bonus

podcast because okay I think we're running out of time yeah we've gone pretty long but this was excellent and I mean it has to be long if it's going to be our last ever podcast that's true this is the day we lost Robert Brockway to gum poisoning

possibly both of you as well let's not call you in the clear I'm still pulling it out of my teeth and it does taste a lot like poison do either of you have any final words not just for this podcast but probably in life probably in life I guess if this

is my last moment I would probably just plug the book again I that's a demon that's that demon on the back of my shoulder it's like benders shoot statues shooting fire in the desert like remember me kind of thing I don't know

I think it's very nice we think that's by Robin Williams for a second there all right go oh mr. happy I knew that was coming I was going to wait for it with my last gorilla was playing with my titties so I interrupt

my balls were like oh someone wants to play I'm like no no it's not time to play it's a gorilla playing with my titties 1900 frankfurt 1900 frankfurt

and the podcast came out and with maximum ciao talk frankfurt podcast correct yeah the craft is not tracked is not without send it to the dog for an hour

100 100 frankfurt 100 frankfurt 100 frankfurt yeah 9000 in 2020 a crack commando unit was sent to internet prison for crimes they absolutely did commit

these mavericks probably escaped their corporate captors and fled to the spoke comedy websites where they paid the ultimate price 50 dollars today they survive as hot dogs of fortune if you have a problem if no one else can help if you can find them maybe you can

hire the supreme three finger louis the man with the plan erin crostin the muscle adrian hisbrook the face aiden moack the wild car alpha scientist java also wild car

anandy the wildest car andreus lursen wild car armando nava wild car benjamin sirenin the face of a wild car bim tollsor wild car brandon garlock

wild card brian sailor wild car brian whitney wild car brockway loves the meatmilly that's a wild car seru considered a wild car by eather less wild cards chad wild car

chase mcpherson wild car chris brower wild car you get too many wild cards together they start agreeing on plans that's when you call curious glare to re-wild those cards dan b wild car

dean castello wild car donald finney wild car dr. awkward the wild car eric spaulding the pilot and wild car fancy shark wild car wild car jello ho

hambo wild car harakka wild car hot fart wild car jaber al aiden wild car jacob thornberg wild car this one goes out to the wild cars but especially the jeff eraske jacob thornberg wild car

this one goes out to the wild cars the jeff eraske jeremy neil a whole fucking deck of nothing but wild cars john deed wild car john mckammond wild car john minkoff wild car josh fabian actually

pretty tame car until you double tap to activate and he enters wild mode josh s wild car ken paisley wild car k&m wild car laziest man on mars wildest car on earth

matt reilly wild car michael lair all the girly say he's pretty wild for a card guy michael wells wild car mickey loman rogue wild car mic styles wild car mojue wild car

nd wild car neil bailey and neil shaper neil wild cars nick ralston is a boat guy all boat guys are wild guys are wild cards nick h wild car that all wild card ozziolin

patrick herbst wild car rain varkis mute mimik marshal arts master and of course wild car reannan wild car sarkovsky the wild car spotty reception wild car ted h part time

wild car full time wild car oh that wild car timi lehi toasty god wild card tommy g wild car yosarian wild card and featuring special guest tom sakula as

sick orphan bobby baskets the absolute wild card of the children's oncology ward