The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - Dogg Zzone 9000 - Episode 8, The Romantic Photon Dungeon for Hunks

Episode Date: February 5, 2021

Seanbaby and Brockway take cover as the fantastically powerful Lydia Bugg smashes into the studio and demands we talk about laser tag, writing romance novels, hunky bulges, Dungeons and Dragons, and satan.

One nine hundred hot dog. One nine hundred hot dog. Our podcast slams with maximum hype. Say Hot Dog Podcast Word. Yeah. When you taste that nitrate power, You're in the dog zone for an hour. Come on.

You know the number. One nine hundred. One nine hundred hot dog. One nine zero zero. One nine hundred hot dog. One nine hundred. One nine hundred hot dog. One nine zero zero zero.

Yeah. Nine thousand. Welcome to the dog zone. Nine thousand. The official podcast. The one nine hundred hot dog comedy humor website. I'm Sean baby from the internet. With me is my co-worker.

The crack legend. Thank you for joining us. Robert Brockway. I'm preferring Robert of Brockway lately. I'm just trying to keep it classic. Okay. Very fancy. Now our other guest today.

Our other co-writer. A regular on the site. And now a regular weekly columnist on one nine hundred hot dog. Lydia bug. Welcome, Lydia. Yay. Thank you for having me. Oh shit.

That was the announcement. A real pleasure. Yeah. All right. That's official. I like to be announced like that. Just very casual. Like, Hey, it's Lydia.

She she's here all the time now. That's it. Deal with it. And suck it. Yeah. That's more. Suck it is more my energy. Fantastic.

So we want to start the show a new way. I want to talk about something that's very important to me, which is us and myself. And so our new feature is we're going to kind of check in with the things we've been doing on the website to, to, you know, mostly talk about how great we are and how funny we are and what it's like behind the scenes of comedy geniuses like us.

So Brock, wait, well, why don't you get started? Since the last podcast, I know the dark dungeons has gone live. And I'm sure a couple more will come out before we put this on the internet. But I do want to talk about that one because that's a pretty fantastic article. Yeah. The dark dungeons was, was fun to write.

It's one of those things that kind of everybody in our circle already knows about. So it's, it's weird on the one hand to write about it. Right. And that chick, I think someone even mentioned like it was low hanging fruit, which I have absolutely no problem with. But it's like this thing that I really wanted you to break the ceiling because like Jack Chick Tracks are, I don't know, so

amazingly funny and such a strange part of our world that has just existed for what, like 40 years now and we just fucking allow it. They're like an iconic part of weird media. Right. It's low hanging fruit from 20 years ago, though. It's like rotten low hanging fruit that everybody has walked by so many times already that bringing it back up was like a

surprising amount of our audience was like, this is pretty fucking crazy. Yeah. This is the guy we know how crazy this was. Yeah. Or you were just too young. Like somebody handed you this as a baby and you couldn't fully appreciate it.

Yeah. Can you imagine getting that like sincerely as a child? Like it would have blown my mind. Like so much of what we write about on the site I had as a kid and it was kind of weird to me as a kid and then it hits me like, oh my God, did my grandpa on my seventh birthday give me a karate video where like dudes were standing on samurai swords and putting motorcycle spokes through their arms, you know, like that's

I'm assuming that really happened. Yes. It 100% really happened. It's too specifically scarred to be fair. Yeah. Master Don Giacobi karate transmaster. Now, the premise of that video was that I don't I don't like that. That's real worrisome title.

He takes it in weird directions. Karate is already a red flag and then transmaster is just you have to rest right away. When when you see him close his eyes, something just terrible is going to happen to him or others. But what his thing was this karate was invented back before bandages were that's the premise of what he's saying. I don't think that's true.

I feel like bandages were like the first the first thing invented. Yeah, you could put a leaf. You could put a leaf on stuff like real early in the time. I'm pretty sure the first leaf fell because of karate. So again, point for karate zero points for logical reason. So he puts himself in these karate trances because back in the day, like like a warrior couldn't like bandage the wound. He had to like do a karate trance to heal his body.

So he does this and he he forms like sort of an invincible liquid shell around, I guess, his blood vessels. And then they just kind of mutilate him like they'll like jump up and down on broken glass. Yeah. Like because normally if you stick karate like through your arm like any of this, it sounds like such a bad idea. Like it sounds like something someone wrote to lure someone else

into like getting injured and then just sitting still for a really long time. So they can be definitely that would make more sense. Definitely something I would say to trick my brother into letting me kick him. Like, no, you just go into a trend. There's karate liquid that's going to just surround your testicles and it will be completely fine and you can't tell mom or the

trance won't work. Yeah. So anyway, I'm just saying I watched that video as a kid and it just hit me like when I was 17 or 18, like, oh my God, holy shit, this is crazy. And I feel like that's what a Jack Chick Tract is for for like whatever Christian kid got these. Yeah.

And again, who knows if like these are actually getting in the hands of real Christians. Oh, I had. It feels like this hits the ground as a joke and you were giving it to you by like a pastor or something. Well, no, I found it in a bathroom. It was like in the Midwest. They just like leave those around in like restaurant bathrooms

and stuff so you can try them and like, hopefully save your soul. And I distinctly remember finding one in an Applebee's when I worked there as a hostess in college and being like, what is this? And that wasn't, I mean, that was like 10 years ago or something, but it wasn't that long ago. You know,

Oh, there's still no one. I haven't seen one. Save your soul. Maybe I don't know. Maybe has someone found a bunch of vintage ones and was like, I'm going to put these in the Applebee's bathroom and save some people or something. I don't know.

They probably were reading it and got raptured. It's like the most logical explanation. See, I think they're like, save your traps. Like you put them where people most need saving like an Applebee's bathroom. Right. Yeah, that was a good location. Yeah.

See somebody, I got first exposed to him on the bus, which, you know, first exposed to a lot of things on the bus, but that sounds like an erotic story. Erotic and terrifying and also diseases. It can be, it can be all sorts of things. But yeah, somebody always left pick tracks on my very long bus ride out of downtown Portland. And so I would find them and it would just, it would make my day.

It would make my commute to work. Like I was really hoping that there would be one. I would try to keep an eye out for like spare ones sitting on the seat. Cause that's usually they just throw them on the seat and leave or something. I'd sit down and I'd read them. I love that.

That's part of it. That you just have to find them in the wild. Like no one's ever purchased one and given one to someone or like intentionally given one to someone. They just appear. Yeah. Like if you go on Amazon, can you just like, do you buy and buy the hundreds?

Like, can you just buy one? I imagine you could from a collector or something, but. They're like little collectibles that you have to, to 100% after you beat the game. It's got to, it's a reason to wander around the world. I also like them cause the, the depth of the crazy just goes on forever. And the thing about having like that type of like God based

certainty and also being just fucking wrong all the time, is it completely unwilling to wildly inconsistent? Yeah. Yeah. Like I just like how in one book it's like, this is the, the certainty of the universe and the next book, something totally different that contradicts it. And they're like, they don't see a problem with it.

And I just, I like that type of world building to just constantly remind you that the person who made this fucking bad shit insane, but can't be fixed. Like this, their certainty of the universe is, is ironclad. Tying, tying this back around somebody in the comments popped in and said that the guy at the end, the perm preacher that wants to help them burn all of the evil books at the end of dark dungeon was, was a real guy and like a friend of Jack

Chick. And he was, oh shit, I've already forgotten it. He got in trouble for something. I mean, they always get in trouble for something. He was under arrest for something. I'm assuming culty and sexual nature. And he died in an insane asylum. And to tie it back around, he taught karate.

Never, never trust karate. Oh, that was beautiful. Anyway, I'm really glad you broke the seal on Jack Chick. If we had a website that just analyzed Jack Chick tracks, I think I'd be pretty happy. That is, that could be like, maybe we do a theme year one year and just every day. Yeah, we do a theme Jack Chick.

Man, I feel bad because I was about to say, can you imagine if you were immortalized as the perm priest in the Jack Chick track, like what could be worse than that? And then you were like, and then he died. His real life, his, his regular real fucking life is much, much better. He was one up in himself right till the end, which is the goal of every great artist.

I like how if you looked at that book and said like, I bet this guy, if he was real, would fucking die in an insane asylum for sex crimes. After karate. After karate. Yeah, I bet he does karate too. He just looks, he's got that karate look that I don't trust.

The thing about karate is that if you do it in a trance, like you can't be hurt. Like you could try this at home. Just you could stand on some swords. It's great. That's level one. That's your intro. Try that first thing.

I will eventually do this video on, on the site. You have to now. I'm thoroughly. This is better than anything you're going to talk about. That's true. It's a real classic. I want to talk about one that we did together though, because we do every month, of course we do a team

working day. And I think this one, we were kind of like waffling on a lot of ideas and we're, we were trying to decide what to do. And just kind of on a wildcard, like fucking hours before we were supposed to like get started. I was like, what about this show photon? They created like this whole universe of like hacky

garbage toy show book. It's just laser tag. And then someone said, what if this is a show and they made just probably about as bad as you could make. Like if someone said, here's the idea. You're shooting someone else with lasers. Like they fucked it up pretty bad. Yeah.

It's amazing how like simple that premise was supposed to be. Like, okay, you're shooting in lasers. I don't know. Maybe it's in space or something. And then they were like, and free reign after that. Right. Full creative control after that.

Right. Because I've got, I've got this comic. It's about a talking pile of shit and a rape druid. And I just. Hold on. Stand back. My eyeballs are turning into dollar signs. It was, it was such a complicated way to try to sell that

to children. And like no child would like any part of that show or lore afterwards. You're just none of it's cool. It's all just strange and off putting. I did mention this in the article and people might have thought I was kidding. But like we just completely picked an episode at random.

Like I got all the episodes and I was like, let's watch this one. And it opens with the girl from the team, like getting nuked by Rosemist and passing out. And the first person to come upon her is like a full on like creep who's like, uh, and it plays Stevie Wonders. Isn't she lovely? Like fucking all of the song while he ogles.

It's like a cost like two minutes. Yeah. Of just the song. Fucking 15 grand. And this is a children's show. Yeah. In what, 1982, 81, something early, early 80s. And you were just allowed to do what the fuck ever.

I guess back then. I guess. Well, it, you know, when you're watching a movie trailer and it plays the song that very literally describes like what you're supposed to be thinking or feeling like, I feel good or bad or the bone or whatever. Like it feels like that. My favorite thing.

Like, okay, this. Yeah. Everyone loves it. Everyone likes to be communicated to like their baby. But like this dude walks up and the show needed the audience to know that he was into it. Right. So they pick isn't she lovely, which is on the nose lyrically.

But of course the song is about Stevie Wonder's newborn dog. Yeah. On the nose lyrically for just the chorus. For just the chorus. No, just the chorus. Every other word outside of that chorus is just about his, is clearly about his infant daughter. And then he's just thinking about, I fucking this girl to death.

Well, Stevie Wonder plays a tender tune about how much he loves his daughter. And it's just my God. And this is that depth of failure I was talking about. Like from the concept, which is already bad to the craftsmanship, which is just poor decision after poor decision. It comes together to create something that's just constantly beating you in the head with how bad it is.

And we really did pick that one randomly. The rest of the episode is no less, I mean, it's a little less insane, but it's also pretty insane that they just absolutely get demolished by roses. They never win a fight against the roses. The roses just burn their whole team to the ground. The hero just gives up and runs away from the roses. Like panicking, tries to leave his team for dead.

It shoots him in the helmet, which has a visor almost specifically designed to protect from like mist attacks. And he, it immediately gets in his eyes, right through the visor. He pulls away the visor and just runs in terror, leaving this girl to a fate worse than death. Clearly. Well, this sounds like kids would love this show. Yeah, I think they'd really be into it.

Keep in mind, all of this madness, it's a 15 minute show. This is a random episode we picked. It's in 15 minutes. They manage all of this. The episode, if you're wondering, it's called deadly thorns, photon deadly thorns. You can. Dear God.

If you think we're bluffing. It's on the YouTube. One of my favorite things is when, I love when like adults make, who have never met a child make stuff for children. You can always tell when it's like someone who's just like, ah, kids, they're stupid. They'll like this. It's almost exclusive.

People that like shouldn't be making things for children are like, I'm going to make things for children. Yes. I have talked about this before because as a parent, I have a child and when she was very, very small. Yeah, I know. I know. I have a very fertile sperm.

Just, just little fact about me. I used to watch TV with her and the only thing that like really captivated her was the baby YouTube videos. And I don't know if you've ever gone down that rabbit hole, but they're just like CGI madness from like Korea or Hungary, Hungary or whatever. And it'll just be like a spider walking into the blue water and coming out blue or coming out as a gorilla.

And it's just that level of logic indefinitely. Like there's no shortage of these videos, billions of hits. Yeah. Apparently every baby around the world watches these. Keeping like an entire Hungarian village alive. That is just the only thing that's keeping them going. I obviously, I'm pretty responsible as a parent. I don't let her watch this for more than a couple minutes,

but she would if I let her watch those all day long. Yeah. My cousin's kids at Christmas, I've seen watch those and they were watching one where like it was a knockoff Spider-Man just getting into a car, driving it into a wall, getting out and then getting into a different car and driving that car into a different wall for like 20 minutes. And that'll lead to like,

I would watch that. That'll lead to 50 other related videos of just different color Spider-Man's doing it on motorcycles and horses. And they all use the same like assets. So you'll start seeing the same gorillas in different videos. Right. You just keep trying it until something sticks. I didn't watch it.

I know he did it for 20 minutes because I sat with him and watched it. Like wait, now he's in that ambulance and he's going to run the ambulance into a wall. This is dangerously irresponsible knockoff Spider-Man. And they're just like meta tagged all the fuck with like educational learning, blah, blah, blah. So like YouTube thinks your kid is learning. YouTube thinks it's doing a great job.

And I'm sure that the executives of YouTube are like, we are very responsible. Look at all the educational videos that are being distributed. So back to photon. There was a moment of escalator drama in that scene where the woman is clearly about to get like sex crime to death on this planet of death roses. And they needed to raise the stakes.

So the bunny hops up to her, just a cute little bunny and a rose leans down and grabs the bunny and just crushes it to death. It freaks the fuck out as if like this now indicates danger. But it was before she's like, this is pretty bad. But now it's like, oh my God, these things eat bunnies. This nice man is just really into me. I mean, if I was a child and I saw that, I would cry. Right.

Exactly. It would be very, it would be very scarring to watch a giant flower eat, just eat a bunny. Yes. Like here's what I think they should have done is not have the the parallel before the bunny. You know, I think if you're writing a show for kids and you think, I don't think the kids are going to understand how doomed

this woman is. Let's add a dead bunny. I think maybe let's just put a pin in this and start the whole episode over with a different idea. If this is for kids, maybe we take out the sex crimes. Maybe we take out the bunny crushing. I don't know. That's just as my, that's how my brain works.

I'm convinced that most people on this planet are not aware of the entire concept of a second draft. Like it's just your first draft and if you fucked it up, God damn it. I can't believe I put the sex crimes in. I put the bunny in. I mean, we got to go. I did it.

I can't believe it. I did it. It's too late. We did 40 pages of the dangers of Dungeons and Dragons. Well, we got to get this in the hands of impressionable kids to help them. It's like Coco Chanel says, you know, if you're before you leave the house, look in the mirror and take one thing off.

Like take one very traumatic thing from the plot of your children's television show every time you do a draft and then you'll have a regular show. It should have been. Isn't she lovely? That's what should have gone. That's an area. Keep the bunny.

Yeah. Not only is that a better art note, but it would save them $15,000. It would save them the entire budget of the show. Yes. That must have been expensive to get just to show that this guy is sexually interested in this passed out woman. And it went on for so long.

There's no way it was like free use or anything. They just locked themselves right out of any argument. Just like fucking committed. They could have written their own and just been like, what do you do? She's pretty. That would have been the same thing. I love it.

New themes. They could have just held the camera on him for like six, seven minutes of him just going. Which to be fair, they did do. They just cut the sound. That's true. You can see him doing that though. Less is more is my point.

Photon. But then a photon went on to have like a series of novels based on the TV show based on the laser tag game. Hollywood such bullshit. Somebody somebody got somebody made a living off of this. It makes me so. So it was written by a guy named David Peters. And when I saw that, I was like, oh, like, it made me think

Peter David, the comic book writer is just sort of a journeyman comic writer. I don't know if he did anything that's like groundbreaking. You know what I mean? There's no like, I don't think animated movies based on his work, but he did X factor, right? I'm pretty sure he was on X factor and we did Hulk and Aquaman and a lot of big names.

Sorry, but he didn't make Wikipedia. It says he didn't invent those characters. Right. I don't know if he's created anyone super famous. If he did, like, you know, tell us in the comments. So I went on Wikipedia and it said that it was Peter David and that this was a pen name. And so I did some more research and it seems like that might be

true, but I didn't like definitively get that. It feels like it might have been a Wikipedia fact that got taken from there and put somewhere else. It's not like a ton of photon material out there. So those scholarly work done on photon other than of course what we did. I mean, if those were even close to full length novels, he wrote like 10 of them.

That's several hundred thousand words about photon. Yeah. Oh God. Yeah, he wrote, he wrote like one of my favorite X factor. He wrote X factor investigations, which is like a noir detective thing with Jamie Madreau and it's really, really, really good. And I think I bought a book about how to write comics from him because I liked it so much.

And he wrote this photon show. He wrote the novelization. The novelization of this photo. Is that better or worse than writing? I don't know. I'm going to say much worse. Yeah. It sounds worse.

Maybe he fixed the Stevie Wonder problem, though, unless he transcribed the song word for word. Just nine pages of the book, Stevie Wonder lyrics. An extra large type underlined. So you get it. She struggled against the thorny vines. Isn't she lovely? Just seven minutes old.

They're like, hey, we paid for, isn't she lovely? It's going in the book. We paid for it. Yeah. A lot of deals in music like that, you get like full licensing because there's just no way around it. You can't be like, hey, I want to play. Isn't she lovely?

Just for like 10 seconds. Can I get that for 600 bucks? They're like, no, you have to fully license the song. And so then you kind of own, isn't she lovely? You could put it in your book, probably. Get your full money's worth. It sounds when you actually stop and make us talk about it. Our site sounds really fucking strange.

I would almost say that's the point. Almost the point. I've never had to stop and just really dissect what we do in a week. This is, this is a broad spectrum. No matter when I am in my career, it's always so difficult for me to explain what I do to like, like someone like my parents, someone like very square person. And like, I don't know if that's ever been more true than it is now

when like trying to explain 1,900 hot dog to someone. Because first of all, you have to explain it's not phone number. Or they'll be like, that's not enough numbers. Yeah, good job on that one, by the way. You didn't really fuck that one. Have you guys called 1,900 hot dog to see if someone has it? It's not a number. It's one shot.

Oh, OK. Oh, duh. OK, sorry. It would be 1,900 hot dough. Hot dude. That's not enough either. Hot dog. Speaking of, it's pronounced Jamie Madro.

Comics are one of those things where I like read most of them when I was 11 and didn't share that experience. So I, in my head, I say Madrox. Oh, I say Madro because that's how I imagine like the French pronunciation of it would be. But I don't know if that's correct at all. I never talked to anyone about comics usually. So except for when I write about them for 1,900 hot dog.

Well, speaking as an outside source, you both sound like nerds. Oh, good. Wait until you see my karate trance. I'll shoot you, nerd. I'm not an outside source. I know what's multiple, man. All right. I just wanted to be cool.

Yeah, yeah. We all know we're all nerds here. Liddy, I really enjoyed. No bullshit. I really enjoyed your last article, the romance writer's phrase book. Oh, so good. Oh, thanks.

It was very funny, but also it seemed to come from a world that I probably wouldn't have investigated. Like if I saw that book at Goodwill, I probably would have picked it up, but I'm not 100% certain. And so that's what I like about it is that you found a thing that I can't imagine I would even find in my lifetime. And it was, it was just magic. Like that book is fucking as crazy as anything we've written

about and twice as moist. It's so moist. Yes. Every page moist and musky. Like I had a section on musky too. Yeah. That was the whole thing was all the women were moist and all of the men were musky.

And it only got worse from there. And I bought that book totally in earnest. I got a job writing romance novels for a company called Scribd. And just like, you know, they give you a topic. They're like, we want like a tropical romance. And then you pump one out in like a month. Was that what it was called?

I wish I hadn't said pump one out there. Pump one out in a month. Pump one out in a month style. Ladybug. And I had never like written romance before. So I picked up that book and I was like, maybe this will help. And I opened it to like page one and I was like, what the hell? What's I thinking?

Oh God. And that's where I love that it came from. Like your experience that we needed that, that vision. We needed that third voice. Yes. You're writing to life. Because honestly a lot of this stuff I write about has been reverse engineered from madness.

Like I'll sometimes go on Amazon and say like, I need a book about, I don't know, Christian clowning or, you know, karate plus something. You told me that you buy all of your shit like by just kind of looking for it. And I tried that and I never found a single good thing. There's just an art that you have that cannot be shared with the world.

It is innate to you. It's a learned skill, I think. I do have, I just accumulated it as a child and as a teenager, I guess. And maybe it is an art. I don't know. Maybe you have to be born with it. I don't know.

I'm trying to learn how to do it now, you know, since I'm working for the site and I have a growing pile of things that my husband calls my Sean baby horde of books and like movies and stuff that I'm just like, maybe I'll write about this someday. And the way I did it was I went to like a used bookstore in my town and like just kind of browsed and it ended up being somewhat effective at least because I found a book that you had already covered on the site.

And I was like, I can't remember. The one that has like black and white pictures of a guy like breaking into a lady's house. It's a karate one. I can't remember what it is. Do you know what I'm talking about? That is 101 weapons for women. That sounds right.

Yes, because I think really good book. I say, did you buy a copy? No, because I was like, well, you know, I don't think I need that many weapons. I already have quite a few and it's already been covered on the site. Are they explicitly for women though? Because they are gender specific.

They do not translate. They're not. They're not specific. I think a guy can kill you with lipstick, but it's it's more tailored stuff that a woman cannot use a handgun or yeah, around the tampon store, like a store. Yeah, like her gun. Doesn't it literally tell you to strangle someone with a bra?

I feel like I remember that. Yes. Yes, there is a section like like that seems like a guy who's like, God, I only have 17 weapons for women. I got a whole fucking lot to go and just started brainstorming and never threw out an idea. What else do women have? They have breasts.

Kill a man with your breasts. Now that seems a little like kill a man with the thing around your breasts. That's what you do. Oh, oh, that's good. Strangling panties. He'll hate that. 18.

83 to go. Now, I don't think that counts because men also have underwear and arguably underwear that's much better for strangling someone with. I think it's true. But it would not get a karate master off as efficiently. Well, I only wear edible panties. So like, you can eat your way out of my attack.

Yeah. Easily thwarted. Rookie mistake. But right next to that, I ended up finding a karate for, what was it? Karate for girls, I think. For dogs. Karate for dogs.

Yeah. Karate plus anything is always great. I did not find any results for karate for dogs. Of all subjective things, I think karate might be one of the most debunked, like modern sciences that like in the 70s, it was like, oh yeah, karate. You use that and then you can like beat people in a physical fight.

And then, you know, it was like 1993, the UFC came out and just like instantly we're like, oh no, that's it. It doesn't work at all. Like I could have told you that in fourth grade. Right. Yeah. The first time I was in a fight, I tried karate and it did not work the way it was advertised at all.

But again, there's so much like cognitive dissonance. You're like, maybe I didn't do it right. Maybe I just, you know, blah, blah, blah. There's no way that leg flexibility is less important than I thought. This just cannot be. Right. I've basically...

I did the full splits the whole fight and got totally fucked up. Basically. Yeah, weird that it's better to just punch someone right in the throat. You wouldn't think that that would be the thing. It should be karate. Strangling people is the best thing.

Strangling with a bra. That's the best move. Strangling people in any way that you can is the best karate. Right. That's the name of my next book. Strangle People. Any way you can. It's the best karate by Robert Brockway.

100 ways to strangle people for women. I do think I have a few copies of that book where something very close to it. But what I do like why karate is insane is that it has been so debunked and in order to like still maintain that as you're living, like if you want to teach people karate in a world where karate has been proven to be not that good at what it's supposed to be good at,

like it takes a little bit of insanity and a little bit of delusion and there you go. And now of course there's like a trend. I did one of these on the site of books where you like do karate and don't even touch a motherfucker. You're like you just like slap the air near him and like the karate magic will knock him out because it's not that far just from like your regular karate.

One of my favorite things is those like any YouTube video where they somehow miraculously believe their own bullshit enough to challenge somebody to a fight. And it just or it's not even a fight. My favorite one is when he just challenges somebody to run at him full speed and he's like I will stop you and he does not stop. He just like something like a cow in front of a freight

train just obliterated into hamburger. There's if you're talking about yellow bamboo, there's the guys that do like the full on like Dragon Ball Z scream and they go to like little workshops and retreats where they learn this together. And I think there's some sort of a shared delusion like I think these people probably believe it's happening to them where they run at a guy and he

screams and then they like fall down from the magic energy. But there's a video where the guy tries doing that and he has the woman shoot the magic energy right and he comes running at her and like somebody miscued everything and he just fucking runs her over and of course he knows exactly what he's done and he looks at her and he's like oh no I just

fucking laid that girl out and he decides his out is to pretend he's like like seizing from karate energy so he starts like flipping out. The only way through is to commit even harder. The only thing I know is karate. That's all I can use right now. Oh it's so good and the video is this perfect little magic moment where you see him make that

choice where he looks up at her perfectly lucid and like karate seizure. The powers are too great. How would that even be helpful if someone could still knock you over but then afterwards they would have a seizure. Like I guess you're both injured now so that move is efficient somehow.

But you're not debunked. But karate is still cool. You both take a hit. Your dignity takes a hit. She takes a literal hit. A big one. But karate comes out unscathed. And that's what matters in the end I guess is

karate. You're here to protect karate not the other way around. It gave us Steven Seagal. Can't be all bad. Man I looked at that picture of Steven Seagal eating a carrot and that really is like. Every podcast should have a section where we

just talk about Steven Seagal eating a carrot. If you didn't google that last week you should google it. Just google it again even if you did it. You've probably forgotten a little bit about it. You've forgotten how he's like kind of bowing with the carrot a little bit because he's so full of his own shit that he has to like

try to be either Zen or karate at all times even while eating a carrot. So he's like kind of bowing with the carrot a little bit. You know like channeling some good energy into the carrot. I really liked a conversation we had where I was trying to like make a joke about the

carrot and I was talking about like here Steven Seagal is East Pakistan's number one produce of the year. And it was like such an obvious joke that Brock away was like well yeah if it isn't fucking exactly that what else could it be? I thought that was like a really funny reaction.

It's like yeah clearly if these are people presenting their finest vegetables to Steven Seagal but what's more important is why? What the fuck kind of gift is that a carrot? I mean you have to take a step through a couple levels to get there but that is what happened.

Yeah it has to be. He came there to like bless their crop because they were like here is our biggest carrot because it is like a really big carrot. Yeah it is because they didn't want to make him look you know fat so they tried to find the biggest carrot they could and

then he started deep-throating it. Oh that's my favorite. I'm looking at it right now. It's so good. This podcast is just Steven Seagal eating carrots from now on. If we fucking just go off on Steven Seagal eating carrots again.

Yeah and then the. It's my fault. I'm sorry. I brought it up. It's Lydia's fault. It's a recurring myth. We never talked about Steven Seagal until you came on.

I mean Sean we have to commission a theme song for Steven Seagal eating carrots. I'm in. Take whatever is in the budget. Fucking all of it. I just signed it off. Oh we have a problem.

You can do like a mini podcast within the podcast that's an update on the picture of Steven Seagal eating the carrot. Steal all the internet. Steal all the internet. And that's it. Check in with Carrot Watch with

Steven Seagal. Every episode. Just see if he's eating any other carrots lately. Fans you need to hold us to this. Call us out if we don't. The end of the segment here. I'm going to talk about one article I

wrote which was the Playgirl Morning Workout because. Oh yes. That was really good. That was really good. I'm going to give away a little bit more of my. Moisture Oh thank you.

Brock we said that after he he he lays the articles out. And he said there's 200 megabytes worth of pulsing dick gyps in that. In that article like it. Yeah like it was really lagging machine while I was writing. Nobody so you keep saying that

like somebody is going to be surprised but everybody's like yeah but right. Only only 200 Huh. Yeah, yeah. seconds long, but I just had, I couldn't cut anything. Like there's just always some frame of a dude like looking right into the camera and like trying to seduce me.

And I'm like, we got to leave that in. And the camera work was really funny, the way they'd perv out on these dudes where like, like for example, in the, in the workout part of it, they were just like rubbing their Rajna sounds, like they're rubbing their ass and rubbing their boobs. And that was obviously not a great workout, but just the way the camera work was like, oh yeah.

Presumably simulating the female gaze. And so it's a little uncomfortable, but also a terrible workout. And I guess I found this like strange and notable for the site because this was like post-arobo size. If you're familiar with the Robo size, which was like, I think 1981, 1982, where it was just sort of erotic art, like set to fitness.

So like it was just like ladies like doing the splits into each other's like laps. And the camera work was like, you know, bold artistic angles and just sort of slowly zooming out from like a butt. And it was so much work for so little payoff to try to masturbate before the internet. It was just-

Yeah, really. But this was like, there was no pretense of workout. There's no, no one leading this workout. It was just like, it almost took a fetish sexual film, just not even disguised as a workout video. And there are so many workout videos that are like that from like that era that I've, you know, cause I've written about the horror movie workout,

which is like clearly to masturbate to too. And it's like, I found those on archive.org or whatever. And I'm like, man, nothing has made me happier to be born in this era than what they had to masturbate to before, before the internet. Because like, they're so weird. I don't understand how you can get past the weirdness of it. Well, I remember, I remember trying to masturbate

before the internet. It did not go well. It was a lot of work. It was terrible, yeah. It was just, there was chafing. There was book covers. I mean, what's- Rewinding?

It seems like there would be a lot of rewinding. A lot of- Yeah, you'd rent VHS tapes from the, from the store. And if, if there was a titty in the movie, that part of the tape was always jacked up because someone had been like going slow-mo and rewinding and pausing. It didn't even have to be a titty.

Just even if somebody like bent over, I remember renting Double Dragon. And there's a scene that is just so inappropriate where Alyssa Milano bends over and it just like dwells on her ass. And then it cuts to everybody else's reaction. As they're like, yes, that's an ass. Ooh, fun ass.

And it just like, it glitched out so badly. Like the tracking failed. It just became abstract art. You couldn't even watch the movie. Like what, what happens- And now that guy can just, that guy can just go on the internet and Google like upskirt or like

from the bottom of a port-a-potty. He could just look at the camera set up in the bottom of port-a-potty all day long. And that's his day. Or just in an instant, in full high def, you could Google Alyssa Milano, Double Dragon ass and just have it. That's true.

And you can see that team. And you can see that team, yeah. Yeah. Let's do that. Everyone let's, let's all Google Alyssa Milano ass. Gonna make me use my shotgun keyboard and ruin the whole podcast again. I don't think we should.

I guess the point I was trying to make is that- I'm doing it. This Playgirl morning workout Yeah, me too. It existed in a world where we didn't have to pretend, right? Like you could just say, this is a Playgirl workout,

wink and then just hunk groins the whole fucking time, right? Are you, are you still Google Alyssa Milano ass? Oh, I found it. I got it. Oh, nice. Yeah, it's not hard. You both are.

It's not hard to find. It's so much more obvious than I remember. It's just, it's just her ass in the air. Wow, yeah. How do you think like she felt about that? Like, do you think she was like, oh, this is great. Yeah. Do a scene with my butt.

I think that'd be really funny. Or do you think she was like- Well, somebody convinced it to a nice gift for me. Or lucked it. I think she was like, I'm getting paid a lot for this movie. So just do whatever. I'll be gone in an hour, right?

I guess so. You know, Alyssa Milano, she sent me a cease and desist once because I made fun of her workout video that day. Teen steam, yes, I- I did teen steam, I think. I was doing, with the beginning of quarantine,

like I really, really hate exercising, but you do need to move to live, unfortunately. So I was like doing a bunch of 90s exercise videos. I think I said that already. But that was one of the ones I did was that teen steam one. Teen steam, got to let it out. I've gone ahead and dropped the GIF into the discord. Oh, thank you.

You can all just take it. I really like, I do remember this. She's just wearing like, jean shorts and someone was like that into this. She's a pretty conservative looking for butt, actually. Yeah, and she even got bike shorts under to sort of say like,

let's decrease the hurtiness of it. A huge bomb, jean shorts and spandex. Huge bomb, jean shorts. And like multi-colored knee warmers. I don't know what the hell that object of clothing is supposed to be. But there is like, there's like eight exposed inches of flesh,

but to be fair, they have her bend over and zoom in and then cut to both of our leads going, oh yeah. To be fair, I'm not into it. I'm just saying that they probably could have made that a little sexier if they wanted me as the audience to be like, oh, this is where the heroes are uncontrollably attracted to her ass.

See, this is really the first time I'm seeing it. It just tracked out of the screen and became a static flesh. You know what they could have done is added, they could have added Stevie Wonders, isn't she lovely? The lyrics linger on. I was gonna say that face that the guys are making, that's all they need to give the pervert. They don't need to, that's the, isn't she lovely face?

They should both start singing it in the movie because if they can't get the rights. Before, right before they chase her into the vent. I don't know why that's the next scene of that. Yeah, like what's the goal there? Like to put their- Oh, it's so one of them can be behind her so they can look at her butt more.

And they're like, oh, I wanna be behind her. No, I wanna be behind her. And they're fighting over who gets to look at her butt more. I wanna look at that guy from Party of Five's sweet waist flannel shaking it in front of me. Is that like amulet that he's wearing? Both those fellas have, I was just gonna say both those fellas

have nice cans too. Yeah, I mean he's covering it with that 90s. Oh, 90s, like, was it 90s? Flannel. Yeah, the default flannel. Oh, this has to be 90s. Mark Takasco should be fucking going crazy if he could see his butt the whole time.

That would be his number one choice. What is this movie? Cause now I'm gonna watch it cause I'm seeing like this amulet that he has on and I'm like, I'm interested. Oh man, you've never seen the double dragon movie. You're in for a treat. Oh, okay.

You have to give that a shot. I wrote about it early days of the site so this all counts for our podcast. It'd be, yeah, it's true. It would be crazy if we brought up an unrelated movie and we just started talking about the asses in it for like 20 minutes. But no, we wrote about it for the site.

But to be fair, I only covered the fashion choices of double dragon. Nothing about the insane plot. Okay. That was a good article. I don't remember that one for some reason. Foundational. Thanks, I try.

That's the kind of article. Yeah, you do nice work. You're starting to get the hang of this comedy writing thing after. Doing my best. You know, it's been a few months. You've been doing this for a few months. I'm gonna go back and read it for sure.

Because the fashion choices, the fashion choices do look notable in this. Yeah, it only gets crazier from there. These are the tamest fashion choices. She has taken off her full body trench coat jumpsuit that is the color of those just wacky knee warming things. It's like urban camo. You know what, I want that jacket.

All right, I'm gonna duck out and just Google if I can buy that jacket. Okay, let's all take a break buy some Alyssa Milano jackets. I wanna Google his pants where it's like part shorts, part pants at the bottom. Actually, she probably just made those herself, never mind. Now that I'm looking at them,

nobody has made that ever. You know, I think they actually did have that for a period in the early nineties. I think there was such a thing as double shorts and I don't remember why. Am I crazy? You remember like shorts that were also other shorts, right? I mean, fashion doesn't need a reason, Brockway.

I'm not sure I owned any. I did wear bite shorts like when I was in track because the track shorts they gave us were too short and I didn't want my balls to come out while I was jumping and things. But what's the point? I don't remember. Yeah, I know.

It's like the only place you can do that anymore. Thanks to these fucking little balls. It would have been more of a spectator sport. It's a PC canceled culture. But I'm just saying I was in the market for exactly that product and I didn't see any, so. Shorts that are like double shorts. Help.

Shorts that are like double shorts. I would have bought some if they existed, but no, I had to wear shorts and then shorts on top of those shorts, which doesn't feel like it saved me any time or lost me any time. Honestly, if you had double shorts, I bet you'd get tangled up a bit in them.

Yeah, I mean, I remember like scorts where it was a shirt, like jeans, jeans shorts under a jeans skirt. So it's like you could be on the monkey bars and flip upside down and not everyone could see your underwear because that was a chronic problem that I had. So they made me wear scorts all the time. See, keeping you down.

Nanny state, man. Yeah, that really was the man. Maybe they were called. Not letting me show my underwear to everyone. Boy Scorts. No, Boy Scorts doesn't really bring up what I'm looking for. Maybe I'm making all of this up.

Double shorts I think is the most apt description. Double shorts that are double shorts. I'm glad we're doing this. I'm glad we're getting to the bottom of these Boy Scorts. Mysteries that need to be solved. I remember. Honestly, I think this was a really successful segment where we just talked about the site

because we do have a pretty good website. It's all right. I love it. It's probably worth a couple bucks a month or something. I wouldn't pay much more than that for it, but. I'd probably pay 80 bucks. Do we let people pay 80 bucks? No, that's too much.

Well, that's a bargain. And when then whatever we make them pay, it's a bargain. Definitely. I would pay 80 bucks. That sounds like we should be making people pay 80 bucks. That sounds correct to me. Five dollars. But I think that's what we ask for most people.

So I think we're right on point. Did you say 25 dollars? I can't hear you. Did you say 25 dollars? No, there is a $20 tier. We have a $5 tier and that's my favorite tier, everybody. This is our first sales pitch. I think it's going really well.

Yeah, there's a reason. I saw today that Rolling Stone, have you seen this? Have you seen this in the news? This is hot news. Have you seen this? Have you seen this robotic? Have you seen this one?

He says, so they're now, they want thought leaders to pay them $2,000 to write an article for the magazine, which is just, it's just fucking amazing. Is that phrase? They're not even pretending anymore. Is that not something, did they not make up? What the fuck is a thought leader? What does that mean?

Is that an alien? Is that like a really fancy term for an idiot? Absolutely. It is a super sarcastic burn for an idiot. I am going to call people thought leaders now when they do something real stupid. It sounds like it's batting it over. If you're talking about like Joe Rogan

or like Dave Rubin or one of those guys, it's like just sort of talks all day about like why Nazis are fine. Like that's what they call a thought leader. That's a fucking thought leader right there. That's a thought leader. They're like, they think about shit so hard, it's like fucking stops making sense.

It's like what, it's very close to the puppet master from Batman, the thought leader. Sounds like the villain name. Wait, yeah, rolling stuff. There was a puppet master in Batman? Yeah, I think so. And I'm thinking of the cartoon. I think there was a puppet master

and he was like a little puppet. I might be remembering. It's like a ventriloquist. I don't remember his name. Yeah, it's like a little ventriloquist. I'm gonna guess. There was a ventriloquist. There was a fantastic forefought of puppet master.

Oh, maybe that's what I'm thinking. It was Alicia Masters dad. Remember we did the Dennis Miller gags and Dennis Miller made an Alicia Masters joke and I was like, what? That sounds so fucking familiar. And now listen to me, just talking about Alicia Masters all day long.

You can't bring us back to Dennis Miller. This is gonna be a five hour. Oh my God, we're gonna be here all day if we start talking about Dennis Miller. You're not allowed to. We are allowed to talk about the Rolling Stone thing though. Yes, okay. Let's talk about the Rolling Stone thing.

Because I think this is gonna sound crazy. I don't think you should pay Rolling Stones $2,000 to write an article for them. Just to be clear. That's just it. In case anybody gets to them. Just to be clear. They do not pay you $2,000.

You pay them $2,000 and they will publish almost. To be fair, they'd say almost whatever crap you give them if you pay the $2,000. And the crazy thing about that is it's a yearly fee. It's an annual, it's like a battle pass to Rolling Stone as a writer. And you do, how many times do you get a right for them? You just get to.

What a treat that would be. You just get to write for them and they'll publish whatever bullshit you put out. Like monthly, presumably? Like how many people could possibly take them up on this to make more than, I don't know, like a good boat salesman. Like say they just did like a sidebar each. Like a hundred pages in Rolling Stone.

If you've filled all of those with just amateur bullshit, like classified style, like columns, like that's, some 60 grand, 600 grand? Yeah, Topps, it's making them a few hundred thousand dollars. And is it that bad where you're like, you're like a house. You know what?

You're making. The integrity of my magazine, like I don't care. For a few hundred thousand dollars, my magazine now has like no integrity at all because pretty much anyone can publish in it now. Yeah, you sold 60 years of integrity for that and it's gone immediately. Even if you walk it back, it's done.

It's done. You're worse than the Huffington Post now because people know you have to pay for it. Yeah, I hate that so much. If you held the gun to four plumbers heads and said, give us your money this year, it would be both the same amount of ethics and the same amount of money.

Yes. It's just such a modest income stream to be telling you this. I'm tempted to just take up like a Kickstarter, kickstart me to get on Rolling Stone and I will bring them to their knees. They'll be obliged to publish something from me. This is gonna sound crazy, but I can afford two grand a year.

I think we should do it. See, it worked on us. Let's split it and then just ruin it. But are we thought leaders? That's what we have to ask ourselves. I'm pretty fucking stupid. I can be a thought leader. I've done a lot of stupid shit.

I was about to say the exact, word for word, the exact same thing about you. Great thoughts, leader-like. It just, that sucks so bad. It makes me so angry because it's already such a, so much gatekeeping and writing where it's like, it's so much easier to be a writer if you're just a regular rich person

and you can kind of get anything made. Like, you know, you can Tommy Wiseau yourself a movie or whatever and then for Rolling Stone to like really lean into that and just be like, anybody give me $2,000 and you can publish in my magazine. It's just so fucking shitty. I mean, I don't want to get into like any accounting specifics or any personal information here,

but we pay you negative 3,000 times? What, but Rolling Stone, I don't know. There's no way to quantify it. It's amazing. Per word, it's, we pay way more than that. Absolutely. Yes, I'm very fortunate. I don't know how long it takes for you

to do the articles, but like per word, we pay a competitive rate. Yeah. Yeah, come to us everybody. We pay negative 3,000 times the amount that Rolling Stone does. Well, like that was what was so cool about cracked too, right?

As it gave people an opportunity to like sneak in. People like me who are just like from the Midwest who I was never intending to be like a writer to like sneak in and actually like make money writing. And now you guys pay me money to write, even though like I'm never fucking moving to LA. I'm never fucking moving to New York. That's just not my place.

And I can still be a writer because you guys have given me a place to write. So thank you so much for that. Because otherwise I literally probably would not. And I mean, I'd still be writing, but I wouldn't be doing comedy and I love doing comedy, but like I'm never getting on a stage to do it. So this is my outlet for writing.

So you're not moving to LA for the hot dog headquarters is what you're saying? If you opened a hot dog headquarters, I might move to LA when the headquarters opens. Right. If I get the biggest office. You've got a price. It has to be bigger than either of you guys's office.

That's my caveat. Sell out. Full sell out. I like how Rolling Stone like, like sell out isn't even the like appropriate anymore. Like that's not selling out. That's just like, like blowing up the fucking industry that existed, you know what I mean?

Like there's, it's not like you're looking into a magazine and saying like, okay, I have this information. And then I see these ads. It's like you pick up a magazine and it's just ads. And even the stuff that is in ads is very much an ad. It's now paid for. It's thought leader. Some idiot paying.

It's like burning down your fucking house and selling tickets to it for $2,000. And then like the dumbest suckers in the world, just a bunch of terrible arsonists show up and you're like, ah, I made six grand burn house. Right. And how much, how much have you paid for that house? One 900 hot dog could be in Rolling Stone.

We just have to, you know, kickstart that two grand and we could quickly get into Rolling Stone that way. That's great. I don't think I ever wrote for Rolling Stone. We would be the best part hands down of modern day Rolling Stone. Yeah, I'm back around to that idea. I like that.

Yeah, we should find more modest fees to just ruin a joint. There's gotta be more places that are like, yeah, we'll let you do whatever for two grand. I don't think a local bar would offer me that deal. I don't think they'd be like, yeah, do whatever for two grand. It's fine.

I don't think you could buy a billboard for two grand. Not for a yearly pass. I couldn't go to a local dive bar and pay them $2,000 to just come in and fuck up their bar whenever I want for a whole year. But I can do it to Rolling Stone. If you went to a construction site and you say, hey guys, here's two grand,

I'm just gonna fuck around in the cement mixer for a little while. Do you think they might let you? Maybe, but for a year. I'm gonna try that for my husband's next birthday. That sounds amazing. For an annual pass? No, priced out of almost anything.

No. But like back in the day, I've written for magazines like Rolling Stone, like Playboy and Maxim and FHM and magazines, I guess at sort of that level of publication power. And generally the amount I would get for a page would be something like 1,000 to 3,000 bucks. And obviously as the media struggles,

like that's gonna be less, but it's impossible to me that with a subscription rate and like a cover price, they can't pay their writers like more than $0. Like that seems really fucked up. Yeah. I should have never made anywhere near as much as you. That's amazing.

You just have to ask, like remember Sex and the City, that show, that lady lived on a fucking what, monthly column? Yes, well, the occasional Vogue article too. She wrote one monthly column and then every once in a while, she would like write an article for Vogue. And she says on the show that Vogue pays her

$5 a word. $5 a word, right. Yeah. And I remember as a writer, I was thinking like, on a monthly column now, unless that was like, unless she's writing those fucking in-depth, just absolute expose pieces laying out an industry

that are 10,000 words, which I don't think was her character. No, she was pretty much writing about whatever her friends were doing that week. So it probably took her like two hours to bang out those articles. Right. But then you don't count the reaches.

She had to bang like nine dudes to do the research. That is true. And apparently pay them. And, you know, that's a comp. You can get that comped if it's for work. Oh my God. I bet she wrote off all of her shoes on her taxes. Oh, for sure.

And her all of her makeup and her hair. Especially if the guy was into them. That's a double right off right there. Yeah, definitely. If the guy comes in your shoes, you can write that off. You can write both off. Let me make a note of that.

Hang on. One last thing. It's like $5 a word is obviously absurd in like today's like writer money. Oh, yeah. The idea of sending someone off to like go to Iraq and like entrenched with the troops and like come back and write like a three page article

about that. Like you'll just not, you just won't see that journalism anymore unless it's someone like doing it as a passion project. And so, I don't know. You were gonna end up in a world of not just like fucking Ding Bats writing sex columns,

but like some asshole on Instagram paying to be part of Rolling Stone, just saying, you know, here's buy my fucking weather app, whatever the fuck they get out of that. You know what I mean? Were you literally referencing Robert Evans in that example?

Yeah, like Robert Evans does this type of reporting that it just don't. He literally paid to fly to Iraq to write about it. Like he funded all that himself. I believe with his book money, he got a book deal and then he paid to go to Iraq to get shot at and write about. Oh, I have such an easy job.

It could be so hard to be a writer. He's a very clever and industrious man. And so, he finds ways to get profit streams out of that. And so, he'll work while he's there or he'll write about it and make money doing it or do a podcast about it. That type of hustle is like a gift he has that a lot of people don't.

And so, if you just want someone who's, right, it's not my skill set either. But if someone wants to just do an academic study on something and it costs money, like, oh, I just can't do it. And that's probably bad for the world. Or the only people that can do it are people that are born very, very rich already

and then that gives you one monosyllabic view of the world that people are writing from. Which is like, I was born rich enough to be a writer. Which kind of feels to me like what's happening with a lot of comedy TV shows for the last decade or so where it's like all of the writers graduated from Harvard or whatever. Right.

Or from just parents that are in Hollywood. That happens quite a bit. Yeah. It all sounds the same in like a way that I don't enjoy. Follow me on Twitter. At Unolidia on Twitter. I tweet funny things, I guess. Sometimes.

Mostly funny things. I'm sold. Yeah. But that's all I need. I've been told that I'm not good at selling myself. Listen, I follow several dogs. I'm an easy sell. Oh, God.

Yeah, if only I were a small dog. I would be so successful on Twitter. Before we go, I do want to do a Sean Babies book game. Do you know what's happening? Book game. Sean Babies book game. We're going to pick a page between one and 95 of a book called 101 Hamburger Jokes.

Meaty jokes to be devoured with relish. These are jokes about hamburgers. An entire book. I'm sorry. I laughed. I disrupted it. Read the title again. Total silence.

101 Hamburger Jokes. Meaty jokes to be devoured with relish. Can't make a third title. Sorry. Relished. Very earnest, insincere joke book. So Liddy, as our guest and new regular columnist, you pick between one and 95.

And I'm going to give you the joke, the setup, and you're going to try to guess the punch line. OK. I'm ready. I think I can do it. OK. So any number between one and 95? Oh, sorry.

I know everybody usually goes for like 69, so I'm not going to do that. I'm going to go for lucky number seven. Lucky number seven. All right. Fate is an important part of the Sean Babies book game. Why does Farrah Fawcett Majors love hamburgers? Farrah Fawcett Majors love hamburgers.

You're not familiar with Farrah Fawcett. She was a 76 symbol, and this was written during the time when she was married to Lee Majors. Oh, OK. Lee Majors. He was like, why is she like Farrah Fawcett Majors? Why does she like hamburgers? Because they're delicious.

I'm going to go with, it's a kids' joke book. It's going to be one of those jokes that's just like, it's an obvious thing that they are saying, you know? OK. It's a good tactic, but a flawed premise, because I'm not sure this joke was intended for children. I think the punchline is, who knows, but we just wanted to mention her name.

Well, I already crossed it up if you were going to try to steal. Yes, that's a good point. Wait, what was the punchline? Who knows, but we just wanted to mention her name. They just, the writer of this book is, they're so fascinated by Farrah Fawcett Majors existing. They're just like, dude, I'm going to say her name and bust a nut right here while I'm typing.

That's not, do you get off on a name? What? I don't. You want that name recognition just somewhere in the middle of your hamburger joke book. Like that's how you sell hamburger joke books. Talk about setting a tone. This is, I cannot relate it all to this madness.

Very strange. I have no life preserver in this sea of lunacy. When you buy a hamburger joke book, you are expecting a certain amount of Farrah Fawcett in it, and they just had to throw it in there. I was going to go with like the Burgonic Man or something stupid, but that's better. That's good.

So Brock, wait, it's your choice. And then if you fuck it up, Lydia, you can steal, starting now in this game. I couldn't, all right. Well, it's too good for her, but it's not too good for me. I'm going for 69. OK. What happened when the meat patty saw the seeded roll?

Said, I want to get my juices on you. I do like that. That's very sexy, but it's not. It's not right. Lydia, do you have any thoughts? I think what happened when the meat patty saw the seeded roll? I feel like the key to it is the word seeded. It's got to be.

It's got to be a play off of seeded, because they wouldn't mention it otherwise. They would just say roll something. Sesame, you look pretty good. Sesame. Oh, yeah, it's it's that. I'm stealing the thing. Rockaway said, oh, fuck. It's not exactly right.

You just throw in away your chances. Damn it. I forgot that the actual punchline is it was love at first sight. Poppy love and then after Poppy is parenthetical seed. So it was love at first sight. Poppy seed love. Just that's bullshit. I'm discovering that I'm really good at hamburger jokes.

This is just like right off the cuff. It was so much better than this book's hamburger joke. That was a bullshit joke. That was an insanely long walk with a stretch at the end. Just to get to a bad pun about puppy love, which wasn't the topic being discussed. Yeah, my next column is going to be hamburger jokes. All right, I found my calling.

OK, so Lydia, your first choice. I'm going to say. Twenty two. This is actually we're going to have to pick again. But this just says meaty television shows, prime time only. Meaty Mouse, Meet the Press with an A. The Lucille Meatball Show, My Three Buns. I Love Juicy.

I mean, you could have you could have. I love Juicy Rules. That's really I forgive. I forgive everything. I love Juicy. Oh, that's so great. That's a porno. That is absolutely really good.

Is one of them leave it to burger? It's not in here, but that would be we rate it home in that way. That would be better than any of those options. Yeah. Next one is Gristly Adams. It's a terrible one. He Haas meat. Very, very strange. Wait, what? He Haas meat. Like, you know, like horse meat.

Horse meat in burgers. You know how you eat horse? You know how you eat horse meat? What? Is it like a hamburger? Is it like a plan? He has meat? He Haas, it's a plan. He Haas. But there's no other words after He Haas. So it doesn't work at all on any level.

It could have been. But it could have been He Haas burger. Right. Why is it like it's not good? But like that at least has a logic to it. This is so. This is such a lunacy. All right. So Lydia, pick again, please. And that's insane this time, please.

Oh, gosh, that's the wavelength that I'm on is just so crazy. It's difficult. I'm going to say what was the highest you could go? What was it? One twenty five. Ninety five. Ninety five. OK. Ninety four. OK. OK.

This is the hamburger IQ test. And then it ends with the end parentheses. So that's just got a typo in this book. Interesting. What? I'm not surprised. The hamburger is called a fast food because. A, it runs the mile in under four minutes. B, if the onions are raw, it quickly moves you to tears.

Or C, it wins every track meat. And of course, meat is spelled with an A. Oh, yeah, the track meat thing, I think. OK, Brockway, do you have a guess? I think there's another option. Don't I don't have a guess as to what it is. Well, it would be D hamburgers or horse brain food, I don't know. OK, this is unprecedented.

Precognitive skills and victory for Robert Brockway, because it says, note, if you answered each question, you are a real meatball for your misinformation. The correct answer to each question is D and there is no D answer. It's just so any is the right thing I filled in. Literally anything. And you said the you said D and then whatever you said after that didn't matter because you were already right.

Oh, damn, I'm going to be the one person who loses this game to Rockway. You're going to invite me back so that Brockway can win again. Is it over? Do we still go on? It's over. That's the game. We can't do the idea of someone getting. Oh, my God. Amazing. I would like to thank Jesus.

I would like I would like to thank my wife. We did it, baby. We did it. I couldn't have done this without you. Oh, I know, I thought if I go on this, I cannot lose to Brockway. I can't be the first one to lose. And I fuck you each shit. You're dead if not a good winner. I'm going to go run around the block.

This is a dark side of Brockway that we're seeing. It's been so long. Oh, it's been so long in this whole. Congratulations. And to make matters worse, Lydia, I hate to pile this on. Oh, no. But the book says if you answered the question, you are a real meatball. Like, oh, you're a fucking meatball.

Simply by simply by engaging in A, B or C. When are you a meatball? I'm really mad at this book because you can't you can't give me a series of answers and then make fun of me for choosing one. Yes, we can. I am so good at burgers, everybody. It is exactly what happened, though.

And I didn't make the rules of just the hamburger messenger. I was raised in a system that taught me this is how I should act. And that system is broken. Hamburgers is the only law. I thought I knew hamburgers and they betrayed me. I think we're probably going to go out on hamburgers is the only law. But I want to thank you for being here and we did our plugs. Please read everybody's columns, visit our Twitters.

Join the site if somehow you're listening to this and are not leave a review, do do something. Oh, yeah, that you review the podcast. That's great. That's great for us. Right. People do that. That's a thing. Yeah, five stars. And with maximum job.

That's right for the podcast. Correct. Yeah, the craft is not trapped. It's not over. Shitty in the hundersaw. You are a student. Come on, you can't see no more. I'm not a hund.

I'm not a hund. Right. I'm not a hund. Right. I'm not a hund. Right. Yeah. Yeah.

9000. This Dog Zone 9000 was made possible by contributions from hot dog Supreme's like Plain Haygood, Benjamin Sirannan, Dr. Awkward, Yossarian, Josh S, Zachary Evans, Adrian Hissbrook, Aidan Moan, Brienne Whitney, Josh Fabian, Armando Nava, Lyman, Tostiga, Neal Schaefer, Doug Redmond, Jaber Al Aidan, David Forna, Mike Stiles, Eric Spalding, the artist formerly known as Devin, Hawk, Neal Bailey, Micah Phillips,

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