The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - Dogg Zzone 9000 - Episode 83, Cool Cat With Adam Ganser

Episode Date: July 20, 2022

Seanbaby tricks Brockway and guest Adam Ganser by telling them "we're going to discuss cool cats," and when they showed up ready to dish on Dean Martin and Heathcliff, he sprung Derek Savage's Cool Cat on them. It's a crime in most states.

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Come support us on our patreon. Patreon dot com slash one nine hundred hot dog. You doing that and giving us money Is the only ethical business model left For internet funny people. Speaking of I'm the work web's Sean baby. And I'm joined by future Oscar winner For best adapted karate Robert

Ran Rob Brockway. Kick and legs crossed. Here's a Brockway fact. I was once tasked with designing My high school mascot. The lava cats. And what I unveiled caused a minor riot. No follow up questions.

Damn it. So guest today. Is professional talking man. From the one upsmanship podcast. Adam great games. Ganser. Thank you. I am a professional talking man. And you do have great games.

I really do. It's too bad we don't allow video on this because boy. What you're missing. On the desk. Nude all the way to the crotch. Always always feeding that wiki feet. As often as I can. You don't even know.

Oh I recognize you can't trick it. I know that's what. Actually I do know. Actually I do so. Yeah thanks for having me guys. It's a pleasure to have you. Tell us where people can see more of you or hear more of you.

As a man. Absolutely so the best place as you mentioned is the video game podcast I do on I heart that's called one Upsmanship with Michael Swain. Dear friend. Dear friend and a wonderful pontificator himself.

But if you are just like but I need more. There is more. You can go to a patreon I'm blessed to be a part of called the small beans patreon that's patreon.com slash small beans where I do a podcast with a person who is beautiful about directors of low

art movies called director piece theater and then one with my wonderful friend Maggie May about friendship with media called I'll show you mine if you show me yours. We'd love to have you come on by sexy title. It's we're available. We're just sitting around watching cool cat.

That's right. Thank you for the invite. That was so nice. Yeah. So today is obviously our coolest episode because we're talking about Derek Savage the creator of cool cat. And it is really something I sent

you guys. The two new cool cat films. Several brain crimes several new entirely new brain crimes. Yeah. This is a 4d8 psychic damage video. The we the one we watched was originally three videos called cool cat finds a gun

cool cat stops bullying and cool cat in the Hollywood Christmas parade. Cool cat finds a gun cool cat stops helps. That helps because I was real lost at different times. Yes. Derek Savage's life's work and he's

reworked it and added new celebrities and renamed it and re-released it many times. The same thing or does he just keep doing more or less. It's more or less the same exact movie that he keeps like splicing together and adding stuff to.

So this is the best. This is the best thing he had. This is the best idea he has ever or will ever have. Wow. That was a great personality. I was really sad. He's a I think this is the first

version that we watched but God there's there's no real way to know it would have been about 10 years ago when this was made but again who could know and who would care. So yeah let's talk about any time it could have happened at any time.

No it couldn't. I'm going to say that could not have happened prior to the 90s when we deserved it. Fairness. We started earning this like in the 90s. That's fair. The 80s like would have done a version sure it wouldn't have been like he wouldn't

I don't want to jump ahead but he wouldn't have been fucking the mama cat. That's true. That's yeah I had questions about that but obviously I know it's not my rodeo so please. We'll get to it I'm just saying. Lead me to that question. Yeah. It's going to be really hard

to get ahead of the narrative in cool cat because it is kind of nothing but chaos it starts off let's just kind of go through it I sort of jotted down the main plot points the credits last what was it seven to ten days

he just dances and points at the credits which is mostly his fucking name just Derek Savage did everything on this. Yeah and I don't want that to sound like he's an auteur like it's a piece of shit and he's the film school first

timers syndrome I'm not kidding when I was in film school there was a kid who put his name in the credits six times and the instructor just looked at him and was like just once we'll do it that's the vibe of this movie yeah the points

he does the fancy points as they go on after like the tenth time it starts to feel really sarcastic here's fucking Derek Savage again watch this under the leg point for Derek Savage caterer it does it feels like it's like oh they're making fun

of him I see boy was I wrong about that this is mean I thought this was anti-bullying and listeners already know this even if they've never seen this but the font is comic sans I mean you knew you knew so he's just

in the credits 500 times it opens with breaking news about bullies and how like they're just everywhere there's an actual bully diner like it's just a diner for bullies so good complete with a victim out front

just screaming help help boys the bullies he also, this is like a dumb thing but there are newspapers spinning in and then it takes the time to watch them spin out for a while we gotta get an enclosure

yeah I'm gonna touch you don't get from a sane person no I do love how like it's it's so bad just video wise audio wise like every high school in America has 10 children that are better at making films than this

like it's categorically terrible we start now with another credit for Derek Savage none of them would help Derek Derek Savage none of them perhaps were legally allowed to help Derek Savage with this many feet away from the children making films better than him

I would have been freaked out if I was a parent of one of these poor children seeing I don't know 10 minutes of this operation I'd be like dude I'm sorry we're busy actually today there's no way I'd let him work with this guy if you

borrowed someone's kid and then showed them this footage you'd be like what the fuck were you doing with my kid all day like what have you done this is not a real movie this is a trick this took 30 minutes and you took 7 hours to shoot it so like what the fuck

what were you doing the rest of that I don't know I don't know how to phrase this or how to explain myself at all so please don't ask but he gives off the vibe Derek Savage in this movie of like a human PT cruiser

I can't back that up but that's a very untrustworthy vibe I think I get it a car that's more image than substance or transportation and the image is bad

bad image but an image I know it's not a compliment absolutely I don't even know the follow up questions I would have about it but I think I understand it just pure vibes pure PT cruiser vibes we now go inside the suburban home of Cool Cat

and he's making a poster for himself he's running for school president so I guess he's a 6 foot cat child Derek Savage plays his dad yeah this was okay this was not immediately clear and it was such a worrisome thing

to slowly realize I thought they were like it showed up and I was immediately like okay well they're friends and then he lives there and I'm like is it worrying that they're roommates and then is it slowly emerged he's the dad of all of the worrisome ways you could frame this relationship

to put yourself in the movie I'm the weird furry mascot's dad is possibly the worst and if you're thinking he fucking did yeah he did yeah it had to be that

I thought roommates was equally troubling like just the idea of these two like having a life together in some way it's like no man I can't I don't want to see what that is no I don't like it I don't like it more than he's half Derek Savage yeah that's worse to me

that's the worst half the other half it's like lady mascot pure cat it's the sarcastic like Derek Savage brings the cool part of cool cat and it's a very sarcastic 100%

is he running for junior high at the age he is it's not established I would say Maria is probably 10 or 11 and they seem to be like classmates but he's 6 feet tall right

he's such a monster he has to have killed so many children this has to be an alarming situation he's gotta throw a dodgeball like 200 miles an hour seems in the dark he has claws there's no way he hasn't lennied many children

so the Maria comes and she has clearly been given the direction that you're very excited to see cool cat and cool cat is very enthusiastic mascot my daughter watched a little bit of this with me she's 5 years old she asked why they're talking like that and

for context she will watch slavic women play with knockoff frozen dolls for 6 hours if I let her and she took one look at this and she was like this is fucking bullshit it's like a campfire skit of garbage kids making fun of Barney and my kid like

crocked it instantly like whatever you're watching sucks daddy at 5 so younger younger than the demographic you're steering did you make her stay through the guitar so long cause he might have won her back there no daddy's gotta work she will not understand

what daddy does for work for at least 10 years you don't need to take this particular psychic damage honey there will be plenty of time so a bully is looking across the street just openly planning his bullying he texts Maria

to tell her she's ugly and here's where things get very strange cause she's like hey cool cat somebody's texting me and cool cat presumably with the wisdom of an adult like he's the guy teaching us how to be cool he's the teacher in this

he's like pick it up fuck yeah mystery text nice keep pursuing this I enjoyed the plausible realizations they had for what it could be what if it's money what if it's a trip we could take together

yeah she's like maybe I want a secret contest it's money it's gotta be money and cool cat starts immediately spending that fucking money he's like hell yeah bitch what's going on trip around the world she's like hell yeah we are cool cat remember to fall for every scam text you get

they're worried about missing a scam text at this stuff it might be on those cool scams open it I can't wait I can't wait should we open it should we open it so they do and it says you're ugly and your hair looks like rat hair

and she's like aww pretty sick burn I gotta give it to him yes so she's like devastated and then cool cat is just vibrating with rage so looking across the street watching this that's a big win for them right

that's a bigger reaction than he could have ever hoped for also a very dangerous situation is it like I noted that too he is furious cool cat is just like yeah mother fucker like just out of all proportion for it he is like I'm ready to kill and this again

he is a six foot tall I guess functionally a mountain lion basically you have just pissed off a mountain lion pretty much although it seems pretty clear nobody has peripheral vision in this universe because like the bully is standing 10 feet away

on a different yard I am laughing at them at the fucking cougar the mountain lion with the mind of a child I'm talking it so butch which is the name of the bully butch so butch must know

that dealing with cool cat is fucking t-rex rules from Jurassic Park like you just can't see if you don't move so like that's gotta be the yeah so if he's got that knowledge then that explains why he's so courageous here so he sends another text and they're like

oh it's another one from the same person hey maybe it's an apology maybe he's sending us money fuck yes open every text trust everyone he's like what did he say he says some crazy shit

it's an apology because kids are great and I know kids because I love kids I love you I'm cool cat I love all kids I love you I love all kids it's crazy and oh damn it she's ugly again she opens it and it is not nice so again one of the themes of cool cat

is it feels like it takes fucking forever because they keep doing the same beat over and over so they've done that twice and now the bully calls cool cat and says hey they should call you dumb cat because you're not cool and then he laughs so loud that they hear him they're like wait a second that kid ate Pete from us

is laughing at us well I'm starting to put this together so anyway the bully is god what is he he runs off gets some spray paint and tries to spray over cool cat's election signs but gets it in his eyes

immediately just fails this poor kid I just like I don't want to get weirdly personal for him but this is this is wrong casting this is clearly the victim of bullying in just in almost every way and you can see in the spray paint scene

yeah yeah that probably wasn't in the script he just like fucked up he does a lot of running in the movie and he it looks like his legs are just going to shatter like I don't think this kid has ever run before Derek Savage told him to so

what if oh my god what if this is the kind of movie that there were multiple takes for there's no there's no way but what if what if this is like the result of 30 takes and it's the best one that would be so tragic

watching Derek adjust a kid like just like giving him notes would be as entertaining as this movie at least like maybe more and twice is illegal so absolutely no doubt

so the bully butch he runs back to the box that he got the spray paint the spray paint out of and he's like oh look more spray paint because again this fucking show just does the same thing over and over he runs off with the spray paint and then some other kid comes out and she's like oh no someone spray painted all our sandboxes

everyone is crying and my notes just says this girl sucks she has two lines and just craters both of them like just like little carp I am for sandbox you're like what the fuck was that cut

no they don't say that let's take that one again take 18 we'll use the best one all the children that went missing while filming this this is the one I hated the most this is the only one that was not missed

so butch butch starts a little gang of two kids who do not want to be in a gang and he's like hey we're the bad boys we're gonna spray bees on everything and they're like fuck you butch we know the bee stands for butch and he's like no it stands for bad boys like they're fucking

they already know butch we know they have a motive conversation that was one of the darkest things I've heard a child say which is somebody asked some point blank why do you want to tag the wall because nobody loves us you know my parents

have a saying with friends like that you better not have any enemies so why do you want to paint the wall because nobody loves us we tag another people's things so that they know we were there nobody cares for us that's why we do it

oh no you got it wrong that's not the truth the truth is there's a lot of people that love you I'm here for you I know because I love you I'm cool kid and I love all kids

thank you for caring about us that's what gets me thank you for caring about us I love it the audio the audio out of context it's so bad like you can hear like thumps there's like a weird whisper in there

like when I was putting that clip together I'm like did that record my keyboard what are all these little just like that's the whole fucking movie there's all kinds of sound problems and like just I mean obviously this is made this is made before anybody considered film school could be

a thing people can spend money on you know what I mean like there's just no idea here I think it's weird that cool cat tells them no that's not the truth because it absolutely is the truth nobody loves these that's why they're there their gang leader hates them

they might not love you but me the local abomination I love you okay come into my lair just the famous local abomination non-clean of meat Derek invites a bunch of kids in

for lunch and we meet Mama Cat who is virtually the same cool cat costume in a dress and we unnervingly realize that Derek is fucking Mama Cat this is kind of where it's cemented in the plot that their parents

explicitly and like in a way that he gives her a hug and goes like mmm very like physically affectionate so that it is not left for you to infer that they're fucking even wants to make it very clear in the film

I'm banging this cat monster and I produced this other cat monster and that's why he is the way he is she's a real mrs. pac-man that's definitely what's going on lipstick and a boat on

the same costume were there two costumes? I think so because their mouths are different because it does look like a split screen when they're talking which I thought was very funny but I think it's two different costumes which means he bought both versions of the high school mascot costume

they threw away of course I mean I thought it would be amazing if there was no mom and it was just that's what cool cat does to fit in in his private time he's playing this lady cat let's play daddy Derek's favorite game

mommy cat that's too dark that's too dark is it dark? I don't know I don't know anymore I feel like that's on tone there's a lot of sexual tension written into the script but I don't think it translates well to on screen chemistry

like these two are supposed to fuck in the text but they do not on screen and I have a funny story about that the lady who plays cool cat Derek came on to her many many times and

she kept saying no and then one day the guy who plays cool cat who wasn't Derek that's what you were wondering it's a different guy he was over at her place like hanging out and I guess he was taking a shower and again this is a strange story and but this is from his mouth

he did a YouTube interview that I watched and Derek barged into the home to just cock block like he was like if there's no way I'm letting cool cat fuck mama cat if she's not having sex with me and so he broke in there to mess it all up and that's why

mama cat quit and that's why mama cat quit the project so in the later cool cat projects Derek does the voice because the cool cat guy won't work with him anymore because he attacked him in the shower yes so it's just a fun fact about mama cat

this mama cat does not endure through all of the cool cat projects that explains why he was so weirdly physical with mama cat like it was very inappropriate for a kid's show just like nuzzling and just stop touching the cat

the cat doesn't like it that was real for him so like the only research he did like to get into character is he basically was butch outside of this poor woman's house like he's planned the bully just like watching this woman's life hoping

to intrude somehow that's what that implies wow holy shit man let me get back to this plot here so cool cat logs on the internet and this is weird because he just fucking loves it he's like

locking on to the internet gonna surf on the wind like just 20 seconds of cool cat just getting pumped about it cool cat has too much trust and it's never addressed he's got an email from John Doe he's like oh sweet

I've got an email from John Doe that's fucking fantastic can't wait to read it oh no it's really mean it's at best your best case scenario is that it's a dick like best cases that would have been a real mystery

to him I suspect given his genetic history he might not know what to do with that object that's probably right you forget me you're right about that he knows what an unbarked penis looks like so he okay that's definitely too dark

too dark how long is this final podcast going to end up so he's he has this idea to send an email back to the bully to say like hey buddy don't be mean wouldn't it be better to be nice than you'd have all these friends

it's important to note we'll get to this later but Derek does not follow this advice in real life he's had a number of very public twitter beefs and email beefs and we'll get to it so that happens

and then Cool Cat goes to bed which is another thing that happens a lot in the script and there's a dream sequence but I guess he's just sort of in a void just going I'm in dreamland I can't believe I'm in dreamland like he's never been asleep before

I don't fucking know every single time he has a dream the dreams are sick of it cool cat it's every night it's like eight times a night fuck the bully has infested his dreams that just butch is everywhere

even though butch ran like crazy the second cool cat went towards him rightfully so it's a local abomination with anger issues who is four times his size and eight times the claws right and just vibrating with rage

so anyway it's he wakes up they're gonna go to Hollywood that's the whole plan they just fucking drive to Hollywood just go to Hollywood but it's not great there's a mall there that's just a place where most people think of Hollywood

you can go and there's some dirt bags and costumes there's a lot of names on the sidewalk a lot of human feces on the sidewalk but they drive there and then drive back before they get there it's so weird my notes just say like what the fuck's going on like

they make an aborted Hollywood trip for well because it was not related to the bullying at all so it was like you're trying to figure out why are we going to Hollywood because that's not where you go if you don't want to be bullied spoilers

that's not too bullying yeah so I don't know what the point here is he gets a call that he's gonna be in the Hollywood parade they want him in the Hollywood parade but he's not anything there's no reason for them to know who he is or want him in the Hollywood parade

he's just a child who happens to look like a giant cat yeah I don't think he's supposed to be a mascot or anything in canon he's not cool cat savior to all kids he's supposed to just be just an unwanted child

so that is just some guy but I feel like they filmed this other thing where he was in a parade where Derek went by with his new idea for a mascot hold on before you explain it do you have the explanation for this

is it something you're going to reveal the only explanation I have is that at a different point in time Derek Savage made a cool cat goes to the Hollywood parade video unrelated to this bully video and this I feel is him trying to splice them together by having them drive

halfway there get a phone call and drive back I feel like that's him like building a bridge between the two unrelated movies okay okay so what I think happened apropos of nothing other than just like having seen footage like this before is I think he

went for a vanity slot in a parade where you pay like $500 which they do a lot with like car things you can just buy a slot and they'll have local sea list celebrity there who will read you know your three lines off of a card and then you'll take

pictures of you and it's just like a tourist thing for you to have your vanity slot and I am almost a hundred percent just looking at the footage that that's what he did it felt like an expensive cameo or something

right but he didn't contract with the people there there wasn't like a normal parade they have and he got a slot I just didn't get that sense it's like there's nothing behind him or yeah there's nothing behind him or in front of him that's just him

out there there's a big red carpet there's like 50 extras cheering Eric Estrada is there reading oh here is Cool Cat from the Cool Cat book that hasn't been published yet that's not a thing but again I feel like you go there

you pay 500 bucks and they'll let you do film it and make it look like yeah that's exactly like the people that went in front of him were a family from Ohio like in a station wagon and they just thought it'd be a kick but what really got me was at the start of the video he credits

Eric Estrada and Eric Estrada and Vivicae Fox like they're in the movie yes but they are they technically are no they actually are in part two they actually have lines

they do they sit down they talk to Cool Cat they are drunk it's shit but they're there oh okay well at least they got drunk but yeah we'll talk about it I didn't want to make you guys watch an entire hour and a half of Cool Cat

we'll get to part two we can even play a barbarian style choose your own adventure game if you feel like it anyway so Cool Cat is now telling Maria like hey Maria I'm in the Hollywood parade and she's like oh okay

when is it and he's like a couple of days like the whole script seems improvised and then he's like oh no I have so much to do and then Maria says oh no and that's it that's the whole crisis he just has stuff to do and then he goes to bed because again

this fucking this is his life's work and he never thought of a single thing to say at any point so Mama Cat went to the beauty parlor with Vivica A. Fox and Cool Cat wants to jazz up the parade with a new car and a new song

and so they run off to write a song and I of course have some of that oh my gosh Derek how could I forget about Boogie Woogie he forgot about the Boogie Woogie this has come along great

oh wow hey check this out Cool Cat I logged right here for your song just every awkward moment captured forever now we're doing it love it doesn't get any better than that there are so many questions about this

this part is your question do they sing it in Spanish yes yes that actually was my first question guitar so fucking good it's a treasure

it is a treasure of narcissism like Derek Savage just boots Cool Cat to the side to do this guitar solo for an eternity and he starts it that audio was so bad he starts it by introducing

Cool Cat to the Van Halen signed guitar that he has shows it to the camera it's such an insecure old man thing to like I have a cool thing I'm gonna have to work it into like every conversation here is my personality

it's owning a Van Halen guitar and he makes the fucking cat say you sound so awesome on that Van Halen guitar Daddy Derek he wrote that he admitted he wrote that fucking read this line don't you dare touch mama cat she's mine

like I just it's so delightful to me that he thinks kids will really enjoy this it's all fucking Van Halen yeah they're gonna really like listen to David Leeroth and then me they think he's so cool yeah

is it a David Leeroth era guitar I bet it's the fucking guy from extreme era Van Halen yeah I think I know that he's ebade that guitar since then but I do I just love that whole moment where just they stop the movie to explain to cool cat who Van Halen

is and then cool cat goes into another room like they don't stop here he goes into the room with a green screen and he's like hey look it's a it's a room with a green screen and I of course have a clip from that song well maybe this one you can't figure out the buttons they leave that in

why not maybe this one here it is and it's just just a shot of Seattle not allowed to say that urban not allowed to say that cool cat urban

you know what he means by urban you're dreading the next moment but it's very urban oh no you can't rap in that voice did you learn nothing from making Azalea I think this is a new guy I don't think this is the same

hey now we're getting it I didn't I did not edit that more ethnicities offend more ethnicity that song goes on for six weeks I want to say

it's hard to be that bad at music it was exactly the line of like look at this cool urban feel and then everything in me froze up and was like no don't rap and then it got so much worse when they just made him rap in a black man's voice I just

like I didn't check the credits but I'm 80% sure that's a different guy they brought in for that rap song I got like no I know but they still had it come out of cool cat and it's not okay it's like somehow less okay I guess I don't really have a standard for that before now but it

it invented new ways to not be okay right but it is literally the bare minimum of what you need to do to qualify to be a thing called a music video it's just as bad a job as you can do in every way you can do badly

is how I would describe this yeah they have a smoke machine that is just a guy with a fan blowing some dry ice from one direction which you know that sounds like I'm belittling him and I am

so that's accurate it's the kind of thing where it's like hey man are you sure the windows are closed and stuff because like that's how you do this you don't even know how to do like make the smoke machine work come on bro it's on the side of the thing

pretty bad it truly is Derek Savage smoke machine master in the credits oh absolutely he's the smoke machine Wrangler they now go to the carpet which we discussed it's just like one of those little vanity things

first there's a moment where mommy cat puts on bright red fuck me lipstick and daddy Derek especially loves it again just not okay I hate it so much yeah he's openly flirting with that mama cat in a weird way

and it's amazing she is such a good actress that you can tell how much she hates it through the suit yeah it's very powerful her body language she wants no part of this she's doing it for that $300 paycheck but like

as soon as that costume comes off yes it'll bounce so he kind of goes through cool cat and does like a stupid little dance near every movie and TV show car he's like wow the magnapi car little dance wow this is night writer

yeah it goes on for a long time I hate it and then they do that fucking look I'm in a real parade all by herself in a weird little alley Eric Estrada read something that Derek had him read like a full on cameo

like hey welcome I'm Eric Estrada from TV and that's cool cat who apparently is a thing and he just dances like an asshole he gives that apparently is a thing energy so well in that speech yes

cool cat if that was being made today like that was that would absolutely be done by Rudy Giuliani there's just no you know yeah it's that it's very cameo or like one of the 90 day

fiance stars yeah so Derek and this we're now in part two so you guys have not seen this next part so let me just try to describe it to you Derek and cool cat return from the superstar parade what do you think cool cat does next physically attacks butch

like he's just been thinking about it the whole drive home and then just has built it up in his head did something that it even wasn't and just fucking he works right out the window malls the shit out of butch so daddy Derek has another body to bury

it's a good guess now he goes is that what you're gonna say no no I was gonna say he watches his parents uh boogie woogie for a little while before he passes out you know that's what I

now daddy Derek why doesn't your penis have barbs mommy would like it better than the moves oh god mommy would like it better I bet daddy Derek does spray like a cat

oh yeah oh this is this is gonna be a 15 minute long podcast so cool cat wakes up to hear from Maria Vivica A. Fox and Erica Strada her place and so he goes over there

and they're just fucking hammered just openly hammered there's a okay there's a moment this kind of got me on the internet where Vivica A. Fox is like hey so where is cool cat and Erica Strada goes there he is

and it's so weirdly delivered that anyone who's seen this movie is like will remember it forever cool cat charges up to these actors and says what do I do I want to have fun what do I do what do you think Erica Strada suggests

blow like boy yeah fuck that's the right answer yeah I'm fine yeah Erica Strada and the cat have uh Erica Strada screams how about a nice

cold glass of lemonade way too much energy just drunk as shit Maria shows up and he builds a sand castle so cool cat's very excited to meet these celebrities but ditches them immediately to build a sand castle funny but not ha ha funny

but she's the sand castle he's trespassing on their property and Erica and Vivica recognize him as a bully they're like look at that motherfucker it's definitely a bully and Vivica's like I hate bullies and Eric's like Vivica you're right let's kick his ass

let's do it let's kick his ass so butch runs over and just smashes the sand castle what do Erica Strada and Vivica A. Fox do they kick his ass 40 minutes of beating the shit out of him and Larry Derek said he doesn't

he's fine Vivica whatever you want to do same page just let it happen absolutely nothing panicked in difference they hang out watching this kid oh this got too real this really ruined the party vibe they do eventually head over but not until the

trespasser has left and so then Vivica shows the children how to scream at bullies and say here's how you tell someone to leave you alone and then she drunkenly explains how to stream that uh so what do they do next oh I want to have a real guess this time

what do they do I'll say they probably accidentally create child pornography and forward it to cool cat's mother who says literally nothing about it that's that's probably the real answer again getting cut from the podcast

uh my I'm gonna try to make a genuine answer cool cat logic here they sing a song about how bullying shouldn't like you you shouldn't let it affect you great guess they play in the sandbox more so the bully shows up again

I'm putting more effort into this is the problem that's the cool cat promise every time they do a wrong answer I'm sorry forgive me it's not even the wrong answer it's just a completely different answer than you could ever guess every time

exactly like oh all right fine great it's nothing it's like three degrees less than the laziest brain would do I'm sorry that's the cool cat promise so the bully comes up to bully them some more and what do Eric and Vivica do this time

oh just like really really sadly really sadly making out hmm yeah they say butch he's got some good ideas maybe we should listen to them and they go tag bees all over every neighborhood why no the gang got so but the bad boys got so

powerful it's gonna you're gonna think I'm stuck in a time loop but they do nothing panicked in difference cool cat and Maria tell the kid to go away and he cries so they win they can now get on with their day

but no the bully is not done with them again he vows revenge after what looks like a very painful jog then cool cat that finds one of daddy Derek's entertainment magazines on the doorstep and that is a real problematic phrase I did

not like the cool cat said that out loud it's not what you think though yeah but he's he's implying it he knows what he's doing right oh this is a fun fact seems like a good time to bring up Derek was actually in an issue of playgirl in 1987

no that's a real thing I found it on his IMDB trivia that's the only fact on it yeah it's like that and his response for cool cat that's it yes and I verified it he

he really is in it I've seen the pictures we'll talk about it more later does not carry himself like a man with big dick energy finds the entertainment magazine daddy Derek's entertainment magazine and there's a hundred dollar writing contest to write the best book so he

asks Derek for help he's like I want to win this hundred dollar book writing contest what does Derek do Paul's at mommy cat some more that's absolutely true he he does do that but he tells cool cat hey I'm gonna write that fucking book and win the contest fuck you

and mama cat's like yeah I'm gonna write a better book than you you piece of shit and then cool cat's like no maybe help me and they're like okay we'll help you cool cat since I guess this is your movie so he decides to write a book called trolley the trout which is a real book that Derek wrote I don't know if you ever published it

but I have his the cool cat press kit and it's all over the cool cat press kit so at least he has real print copies that he could use for the for this movie again Derek doesn't have a ton of ideas he's a lot like that karate rap guy that made

like eight different videos based on his karate rap bullshit favorite favorite kind of guys like has one idea and then when it's not received well it's like I just got a tweak a little bit because this idea it's gotta be a success

I should spend a lot of the idea marketing the same idea inside it that's there's a lot of marketing yeah for his own ideas inside it which I it's impressive that's called vertical synergy and Derek has it he's a trans media master that's the term now trans

media he had one idea and he's like I can make movies books anything all media comes from he is very right wing though so he'd probably be upset if you called it trans media just I'm gonna throw it out there he wouldn't understand what it meant but he'd be pissed off about it Derek and

mama they say fuck you go write the book so he does and he writes a story about trolley the trout and he swims and cool cat thinks very hard and he takes a little exercise break to think he comes back he says he swims and makes friends then he

makes another friend and this continues for a while so now what does cool cat do after this he only repeats that phrase for an hour until they give him some sleeping time that's exactly right he says it seven more times and goes to bed

holy shit now you get cool cat Adam now for the record totally on board with that I think I think you're driving us both insane in the exact same way and I don't think there's gonna be an easy way to recover from it yeah we're in a lot of trouble after this

here's what's terrible this could totally not exist this thing you're describing I have no way of knowing it can totally not really exist and it feels like that's what he would do though what a fantastic episode this would have been if Sean just made one up and then told us about it

really he just stopped and he was like this is a bad idea I'm never making another one of these I could absolutely make cool cat in 20 minutes show you that video and then make up all the rest no problem I could have easily done this you're right to be suspicious I wanna be fair before he goes to bed he does pick up a bunch of

copy paper that has Charlie the Trout's cover printed on it and he grabs a bunch of markers in his giant fuck and cat hands and just like smashes his paws while he drops markers in every direction and it's it's such a fantastic like I shouldn't

I don't know if this is like a cookie monster thing where he like explodes cookies against his empty puppet mouth and we're supposed to laugh or if he's like it's fucking kids won't notice but it's very funny to me he wakes up and gets right to writing guess what happens next in Charlie the Trout

makes friend that's exactly what he does they now go painstakingly through every step of getting ready for cool cat's day brushing his teeth washing his face getting ready exercising Maria shows up with a kid named Mike who has a bouncy ball that he's just

pumped about runs into traffic chasing it and almost dies butch is back there's now radio reports of butch just stealing candy from babies there's like a bully report that breaks in with breaking bullying news yeah

got a bully the bully alert all the phones go butch so forgive me meanwhile is this book that he's writing like his synecdoche is that what's going on here like he's sort of like incepting his own life in this do I understand that correct

I think so yeah I think Charlie the Trout is basically the cool cat of cool cat's universe because Charlie the Trout does the exact same thing he fights bullies he makes friends he finds a gun so

he has a huge barbed cock mentioned on every page and he watches his dad use it yeah so the bullies kids are coming everywhere they're victims of the bullies saying hey someone took my candy someone took my book and it's butch he's like haha I have all the

candies in books what does cool cat do oh he does nothing no he fucking charges he fucking goes straight at butch and he's like Jesus Christ and he throws down all the candy and says

haha this candy will trip him and you're thinking maybe in cool cat logic that would work but it doesn't cool cat just steps right over the tiny patch of lollipops fury in his eyes a real policeman shows up and grabs butch and throws him in the back of the troll car

and delivers cops yeah delivers cop lines as himself he sucks he can't act he's a policeman I don't know what the fuck he's doing there Derek seems like kind of guy who's friends with a lot of cops yeah

so God where are we at in the fucking so anyway they go outside and play butch is like in jail like actual jail but then they a breaking bully report comes out and says they had to let him go for lack of evidence cool cat and his friends straight up find a gun

haha what I didn't expect that direction they just find a gun in their back yard there's only one way this ends he crossed over to the trolly trout universe is what happens

him and trolly trout switch universes finally I think they shoot butch in the fucking face hahaha I think it's the kind of show now and yeah I think butch goes in the child pit in the back yard of the savage

household actually what they do is panic to difference they stand there and do nothing for quite a long time come back to doing nothing this is troubling to me because it seems like there's a protocol for finding a gun

I grew up with a mascot called Eddie the Eagle with a Jason Priestley co-starring they do a little song like when you find a gun you fucking stop tell an adult and cool cat does get there but it takes like 8 minutes of panic and they're just like throwing ideas

back and forth before they finally land on hey let's not kill each other let's go tell someone about the gun well cool cat is a cross species monstrosity that should not be and probably doesn't have a lot of good wiring in the old brain so I believe that

I believe it's fine he probably doesn't understand death permanence he probably thinks he probably thinks when he shoots somebody they'll be back tomorrow after they go to Dreamland yeah he's definitely killed butch several times he's right to think that I think I just wanted to make it clear to the listeners

that this fails even as like a moralistic kids show it does not teach children anything this is a kids movie that fails everything it sets out to do including teach children about safety I think we realized that when he was like

answer the mysterious text open it up oh I got an email from John Doe I love seeing those attachments I love emails so Derek tells

cool cat says daddy Derek we found a gun and in that time butch is like trespassing in their backyard he's like fucking sweet a gun I'm going to take it to school they went up for their lunch money he says this out loud this is his plan it's a great plan so Derek says hey butch's dad

your lunatic criminal kid stole a gun the one that just got out of jail five minutes ago and butch's dad is like no way not my good kid and so it's like okay that part's a little realistic so what does cool cat do next panicked indifference close he goes to bed he loads up damage

so the very next day they see butch with the gun like outside the school he is brandishing it he's like showing it to another kid just like look at this sweet gun pointing it at him waving it around what do you think

Derek cool cat and the children do they high five each other and say cool gun and that text pops up on the screen cool gun I'm trying to balance it into the knowledge that he loves cops and his right wing I think they try to teach him how to shoot and accidentally kill a minority

great instincts no panic indifference they have a lot of weird ideas they're like let's run into the school and they'll call the cops and no one there they'll have cell phones but none of them decide to call the cops they all

freeze and then daddy Derek has them stand in a horizontal line sort of like a reverse firing line so that if butch opens fire he can't miss anyone and then the cops just roll up and they're like get the fuck drop my fucking gun kid and he does not

suicide by cop but do wet sending I knew it so they insist he finally puts the gun down not in a safe way very much like if he wasn't a white kid he'd be gone and they take the kid again

yes he's absolutely white as kid like I can't believe they let this kid in the sun this long so they throw him in the back of the car and then everyone runs up to cool cat to tell him how proud they are of him but I want to be very clear he did not do fucking shit they're proud of a bullet to a gun

for not charging like a fucking maniac again and getting himself killed like you really restrained your fucking anger issues there cool cat that's the first time a kid's ever lived when you hung out with him yeah a lot of dead kids have led up to this moment but you know what

I think you learned something congratulations so cool cat is now the school president because of his great job that stops the murderer they have some lemonade that's like assisting the gun violence which wouldn't have been possible without him

congratulations to cool cat well that's how he got everyone's vote but you also kind of perpetuated so he placed both sides of the aisle oh that's brilliant smart politician he won the ready contest it's all coming up for cool cat

and then the bully comes from jail the one who was with butch during the gun incident and he just apologized for everything he said hey I fucked up I shouldn't have done any of this stuff I did I was a bad kid also I got spanked by my mama and he does like a sexy little butt slap

and he does his inflict it's never okay such a bad vibe they explain everything they learned you don't graffiti you don't yell at bullies you don't touch guns that you find and then when it comes time to discuss cyber bullying cool cat's like

I guess you can't stop cyber bullying but maybe ignore them by whatever that's the end of the movie always open an email and that's the that's the thing that Derek Savage made that defined his entire professional life other than

appearance and play girl 40 years ago the vibes on this are so bad this is totally just every minute of it is like a some sort of viral horror thing like you would watch this and be like you're waiting for the turn we're like oh okay this is a too many cooks

scenario where this is going to take like a sinister turn at some point and it does but not in the direction you think it's kind of incredible that he's that it doesn't that he doesn't just come out pro gun violence like he's already blown the chance to

to help with children you know what I mean so it's like why not go full Van Halen guitar with it and be like guns are cool and that's how I became president right? I thought as soon as I heard he was right-wing and loves fucking cops I thought it was going to be an

eight cab all cool bastards scenario there are seven wikipedia entries for cool cat and none of them are this that's really weird for someone who's obviously so egotistical as Derek Savage this guy definitely made his own wikipedia

so if there's not a wikipedia for this or for him that implies that between his slimy self-promotion and people fucking with him there were too many wrestling matches on wikipedia and it got taken down like that I think is what happened yeah there's definitely some sort of controversy every time there's a public space

with him on the internet I can just tell that by the way he I don't know dresses by his lurid glance of the camera like just the way he stares dead-eyed at the camera I don't like his weird little action man ready stance he's kind of hunched over in the

shoulders with his hands out like a gijo character like that's a normal way to stand like I feel like he thinks it looks cool I don't know it's troubling to me like I'm a gunslinger but with no guns yes but yeah he is a

hardcore gun nut he did in one of his movies I think it was gun self-defense for ladies I heard him say something about being in the machine gun business so I think he's burning through the money he made as an arms dealer when he's like making this cool cat bullshit we mentioned

his IMDB page has one trivia fact that he was a playgirl model it sounds like a dumb joke but I verified it he was on a how verified I found the issue it has Alan Thicke on the cover and I know you may hate yourself for wanting to know this but he doesn't

pull it all the way out Alan Thicke or Derek Savage Alan Thicke pulls it all the way they call him Alan Thicke for a reason can't get to the end Alan Thicke so is he just like teasing a little bit of shaft or what what's the deal

he'd have to look at his was just an interview I don't even think he took his shirt off I think it's just like an interview with Alan Thicke a frank interview about how I've seen Alan Thicke what's Derek Savage

Derek Savage it's called LA Law and it's sort of a spoof on the series by the same name where he's like a paralegal and he's going to punish you for messing up his job or what I don't know how to explain the setup

but he's kind of taking off his shirt and pants and he has like cotton thong panties on and he's like on the desk and it's um he's a fit young gentleman he still looks the same so he looks like a fucking weird creep especially because he's doing like a hello ladies

he used to be beautiful and then just like his internal hatred turned him hideous or was he always kind of a lurch monster he's what a lesser person would call a butter face uh he's just he's not but not you certainly not me certainly not I would never

but yeah he's totally uh an uggo what do you call it a terrible looking person who who does who goes to the gym a lot of piece of shit he's a piece of shit um anyway he says that cool cat was his childhood imaginary friend I don't know if that's true or not but he said that publicly oh that's so sad

that he created by sleeping with his mom is that also part of the legend it almost certainly is absolutely yes okay great and I'm his daddy yeah that's why nobody likes my kid that's why you're always being

bullied it's cool cat shit he was also on the cover of a 1987 singles newspaper I know this because it's in the cool cat press release which looks like a geocities website and it's he's a very geocities person I guess

is how you would describe him he's just from the wrong era just random shit squeezed together most of it's fake and wrong by the way while I was doing online research I found there's an entire wiki people made about cool cat because

this video has been reviewed on like a lot of big youtube channels and so a lot of people have known this it's been named and everything and so there's a lot of backstory and shared information and memes almost all of it's wrong like I found information there that I can verify isn't right with products I own in my own home so

I didn't use too much of it in my research one of the things I truly love about Derek Savage is he makes up fake poll quotes for everything so for his cool cat movie one of the poll quotes is the coolest kids movie

I've ever seen and that was attributed to art anthony Emmy winner I looked him up he was nominated for outstanding makeup for a series of movies parenthetical prosthetic and he also did not say that

yeah and also he didn't win yes and he did the makeup for the movie so it's a little I don't know it's like the caterer of Indiana Jones saying this is the best fucking movie anyway cool cat is cooler than Barney the dinosaur says Ben Dhaka

producer I also looked him up he made a few independent movies has 89 twitter followers if you want to get a feeling of his fame and produced he was the production editor for this movie weird I get nobody was it's incredible

I get nobody was expecting like artistic integrity from cool cat but these quotes are from people Derek literally paid honestly though I think the least humiliating part of working on a cool cat project is the part where you have to say this is cooler than Barney so

to me it's like asking the bakery to write best five-year-old on a cake and then bragging about how the bakery declared your kid the best but like officially declared best five-year-old on one press release he quoted Bill Malendez the voice of Snoopy

who said cool cat is adorable and has so much potential he somehow said this four years after he died so that's kind of impressive oh Bo Derek says she loves cool cat I don't know how she would have seen cool cat because this

didn't exist when she said it but anyway that's a weird that's the weird poll there's no that's a psycho I have a feeling he was just hoping he'd meet Bo Derek through her lawyers she has to say no she has to contact me and then I can

contact it by Bo Derek on here I'll give myself a poll quote attributed to man contacted by Bo Derek one time he he did raise a bunch of money on Kickstarter and Indiegogo to recut this movie we saw recut it add celebrities

retool it rename it whatever so it became cool cat kid superhero starting Cynthia Rothrock and Adam West and Henry Winkler and Willie Nelson he added this rap oh

he got a story to tell you about the coolest cat his name is cool cat and the kids love him so so you better watch out cause he's an anti-bullying hero he's the rat master everyone knows he's true so you better not forget so you're cool too

so if you want to rap be real cool then think a cool cat and the rise will come to you well fairly not I'll save us the rest of it I really really modernized it he wrote again these notes are chaos because that's how this man lives his life

I'm following through on the press release he himself made so he wrote five cool cat books we could do an hour on that rap song like I'm not over it yet man he was

he was off the beat it involved his fucking guitar again yeah that's a person that has only written it down and that was the first time he said it out loud and was like oh no well it's still from the

era when all white people were like rap huh well that's just talking watch this well my name is but with like a 90s like Snoop Dogg beat I don't know like a Snoop Dogg beat over like 70s Blondie era rap

and he couldn't do it that's the thing I took he can't do it he doesn't have that talent to do it to rap on the beat man it's like if you gave your grandma the mic for a rap song

she had never heard before it would be better than that like I don't know how you fail that hard yeah I have the theory and maybe it's a little controversial but I don't think that you can hate black people and rap well that would explain most of Derek Savage's political views and rapping ability

so he he wrote five cool cat books where he loves something cool cat loves something and now when I say right they're in his press kit but I couldn't find any I don't think they exist I think he wrote one book that exists and

the rest are just like ideas he has for books that he tells people exists again because he fucking that's the chaos he leaves behind him can I can I posit what that book is so that book is movie stills and hand

scrawled notes right like that's what like he's just writing still writing like nonsense it is like weird pen on a still of a movie that he printed it's not more than that he just shows the covers in this press kit and he loves baseball

the beach wrestling going green and the soldiers so he loves all those things he also wait wait wait wait there's a book called cool cat loves the soldiers he loves the soldiers that's fucked up and in the press kit it's got a picture of Derek Savage

civilian throwing a salute in camouflage real respect for the soldiers by throwing him a salute good for him stolen valor cool cat loves stolen valor cool cat loves it the book he wrote that exists is called he stops bullying a lot of that

was incorporated into the movie we watched the one he's got one idea syndrome he wrote cool cat learns karate which Eric Estrada mentioned in the movie you heard him mention that I don't think that book exists I can't find it anywhere and then he did another one called cool cat loves MMA karate which he

calls the most celebrity endorsed karate book in history then on the press kit just has a shit ton of pictures he took with celebrities at some con like no quotes just screenshots of him with people photos of him with people he met at dragon con

or wherever where he has the same outfit on and he's having them hold up his book so he's like hey WWF's Virgil hold up my fucking book for a picture he wouldn't hold up my con for 15 bucks a council's an endorsement legally a council's an endorsement

and then there's a whole bunch of others like Lorenzo Lomas Kerry Takawa he just guys with headshots that they don't say anything about whether or not they like the book it's just a bunch of celebrities that he says sure they like this book I can't verify that

that's it and he's used this collection of photos unrelated to him to call it the most celebrity adorst karate and this is the one specifically about MMA karate he loves MMA karate also it doesn't exist you can't buy it he never wrote it never finished it he wrote bible birdie

which is he advertises this as a 10,000 word faith-based story entertainment for the entire family I did my god 10,000 words yes good for him I fucking hate this book it is a it's a story a below average dad

would improvise for an abortion nothing happens 10,000 words an idiot describes normal bird things that happen in no particular order along with every fucking random fleeting thought this idiot had it has a one star rating on Amazon.com and you know

you know he's the guy you know he's the guy that buys like fake reviews on Amazon.com so for it to come out as a one star like even the fake reviewers must have been like you know what fuck him give him his money back I'm tanking this thing he has the three trolley

the trout books are in his press kit again I don't think you can buy these trolley baby cats the barbed penis trout he did one called best buddies that's just like an animals book again not sure if you can find it anywhere baby cat loves you

and baby cat is silly are the ideas he had for baby cool cat books he's seriously been making this shit for 10 years like you can just will your own Garfield into existence through like aggressive mediocrity and I don't know maybe you can work for Garfield yeah sure

that's true I did watch his gun self defense for ladies it is very strange most of it's like an amateur info wars where he's like every single woman carries the same energy as mommy cat yeah they all

are kind of acting like this guy this guy's trying to touch me when the cameras aren't rolling does he make them get into the suit first get into the cat suit he takes them to like like strip and like teaches them really outdated self defense methods

from like idiot dirt bags he's like come meet this guy's been 8 years in prison he paid his debt ladies he won't touch you he's gonna teach you how to take a gun out of someone's hand and then they like just make fools of themselves and then he touches them a lot and then it's implied that these women

had a real rough time getting out of there with that check he wrote an apocalyptic romance novel called hell's nightmare oh I have an autographed copy I did not request this and came this way when I bought it from Amazon

oh my god I assumed that was too cursed to actually exist he wrote it he actually wrote it I'm holding it if you're looking for it Derek usually tells people it's called the second coming or sometimes it's called the judgment it's hard to tell he changes the name a lot I want to just

I'm just gonna read some from it yes thank you please that's all I needed this is what I opened to I just opened to page 159 the old sign red Jack Daniel's liquor regular $22 today special $18

the new sign read the same but the $18 had a red slash marked through it it now stated universal special now just $5 the same with cigarettes cigarettes per pack regular $750 today's special $6 universal special now just $1 Charlie blurred it happily

right they have some good prices happening here maybe now I can afford a steak he grand broadly headed to the door and attempted to enter an extremely large guard stood in front of the doorway checking everyone out he appeared rather intimidating in his unappealing universal government

uniform on the guard's forehead right between his eyes he had the membership stamp and then there's a little mark you guys it's always understanding what this is it's always the fucking they can't do anything but the mark of the beast so hard so you've heard of the mark of the beast you understand what it means

yes yes it will take two more pages to explain that so here we go Charlie attention to walk past him but the guard held at his arm stopping him cold Charlie glared at the oversized goon what's the problem there's no problem sir I just need to see your membership stamp Charlie showed confusion

membership stamp I don't know what you mean all I want to do is buy some food the guard smiled I'm sorry sir you must be a member to enter he pointed another sign posted in the window behind him that read universal government members only for your convenience we have a table set up inside where you can receive your membership

stamp today the best is it only takes a second and it's free of charge the words astonished Charlie caught him off guard let me make sure I understand this are you trying to say that if I do not receive your stamp then I cannot go into by groceries are you guys are you guys following along because the main character

is just starting to get it and we have a long way to go it's Costco and he's mad at Costco yeah yes the guard shook his head agreeably greeting with a crooked smile that is correct either you become a member or you don't eat okay so I think I might

get it let's see if the main character gets it oh man you must be joking that's no good I'll go somewhere else with a salesman's tone the guard advised no you won't haven't you seen the news or read the papers as of last week the universal government has purchased every food store worldwide if you do not become a member then you don't

eat he paused briefly letting the information sink in as he stared into Charlie's eyes he had been trained to pitch this service sir I would be more than happy to assist you into becoming a new member today you also get a $25 gift certificate and are special prices as of right now

Charlie couldn't believe his ears he shook his head and glared at the sinister mark on the guy's forehead no way I'm not going to take that mark the guard now saw that he was getting nowhere and he hissed like a rabid cat you son of a bitch wasting my time he became aggressive pushed Charlie

and stood in front of him get out of here and I hope you starve you little shit Charlie jump back pointing his finger to hell with you you should have your tail warped to hell with you to hell with you that's how long it took uh Derek Savage to explain the mark of the beast

on the 160th page of his post-apocalyptic Bible novel transcribed verbatim from the time he tried to enter a Costco I mean I don't know if the Christian crowd is going to be super into him screaming to hell with you you know what I mean like isn't that kind of a

that's not your job I feel like you guys probably want to read an action scene right yes of course I do I got nothing better to do at all are there better things to do I don't think so

Wong Si stood in front of a vendor stand standing upside down he pointed his little stick at the chickens and yelled too much too much you try to cheat me the vendor stared at the wretched man yeah uh oh you're right those are good instincts the vendor stared at the wretched man

having taken as much as he could recently he tried to cut these old people slack sickened by watching them eat those awful bugs even though the locusts never made it to the Asian continent they were still plentiful after the creatures wrecked havoc for five months they died mysteriously in rural areas worldwide

major food companies immediately packaged the dead locusts for resale the vendor looked at Wong Si and knew that this old man hadn't resorted to eating bugs he was just back around his gut he heard Wong Si yelling more threats and his patience expired look old man just get out of here I don't want your business

Wong Si couldn't believe that a person didn't want his business so here we are 80 pages later and Derek is still like maybe the reader does not get this mark of the beast thing yet this couldn't be right only he could tell someone that he didn't want their business no one could say that to him

Wong Si smacked his stick across the counter commanding you cannot talk to me that way I will hurt you with stick the vendor laughed at the wretched person enjoying the fact that he was upsetting him more look old man I'm not going to sell you anything

now get out of my face Wong Si smacked the counter several times there's a loud noise surrounding them and the devil horsemen swooped down from the skies attacking everything at sight masses of people ran through the streets with the demon horsemen flying above their heads yeah that's how quick it can happen

cool the satanic writer squealed the satanic writer squealed at all the helpless victims and smacked their horses head instructing them to torch everything in sight like many flamethrowers shooting flames 5 feet through the air

like flamethrowers plastic people also why do they have to be many flamethrowers they only go 5 feet I'm pretty sure I can just get a normal horse drunk and do that the crowd ran helplessly yelling and screaming

the pain of burning alive brought many to their knees Wong Si turned to see why everyone was screaming then saw the army of demon horsemen he backed up several steps waving his stick through the air but two swooped down landing one on each side blocking him in completely

Wong Si had some guts yelling and hollering he smacked his stick against the demon horsemen there's nothing funnier than imagining every single piece of this being in a movie in the order described just like nothing gets cut out it happens exactly the way he describes it

it is very funny I think it's slightly funnier to me to imagine him writing this like he's hit that flow state where the words are just coming and he's like yes fucking yeah demons come down all of a sudden

no warning, no anything demon pegasus that's what happens next and he's hunting and pecking on a typewriter right we agree that's how this is happening there's no word processor at all the words are still brilliant but I'm restrained

if only I had called at all of my assistants you might have noticed in Cool Cat when they were writing the song Derek said his Mac and he's like very clearly pretending to type he doesn't know how pretending to type works slapping at it

like he has Cool Cat hands but they're just normal hands he really understands women so I wanted to really write about you guys got that from Cool Cat so crawling in dust on her hands and knees A-Sun-Yi was so hungry

she was about to pass out at any moment in the past seven days she had consumed only enough food to survive even clean drinking water was scarce in this communist community without food or water it was impossible for A-Sun-Yi to find ample strength to go on a massive hunger pain stopped her as her body seized

she glanced helplessly at the dirty road and looked into a pothole of water A-Sun-Yi gasped at how hard these past few years have been she thought of how beautiful she used to be see that's what I mean he gets women like nothing's worse for women than not being pretty as you're dying of hunger

sorrow engulfed her and a tear flowed down her dirt street face one of the people beside her placed his arm around her shoulder it's okay A-Sun-Yi we will find food soon then another lady in the homeless group spoke in my pocket I have apple with maybe one bite left

some man throw it on street and I picked up do you want it A-Sun-Yi stared powerlessly at the lady her vision blurred even though she hated to accept the apple what else could she do she thought of how awful she looked and realized she was starving thank you thank you I will take apple

why did they speak broken English to each other yeah I the whole book is filled with Chinese characters and none of the Chinese people speak English very well I think that was just I think Derek just likes kung fu

I think is where the origin of that is she thought of how ugly she looked and realized she was starving like oh that's what that is she imagined

this is what I look like I must be starving yep once you've built everything through whether I'm pretty or not like you start to understand a woman's motivation oh I'm ugly I must need food yep that's what

women use food for is to turn into beautiful I turn food into beautiful he also wrote a book called bad boy but sometimes he calls it the dancer or the dancer a male stripper story he's also sold it as bad boy the male dancer

or midnight stripper a male dancer story it's astonishing anyone this bad at marketing could be known by anyone you can see that desperation when he has an idea and it's nothing and you can see every time he renamed it the book didn't take off and he's like ah it's just not the right title

it's just the name so I did take a clip from this to it's about the life and times of a male dancer as you might have guessed from the title he seems to be trying to make it erotic even though the first chapter is mostly about an accountant getting audited by IRS and I'm not kidding that's the fucking

plot and so he kind of realizes this isn't very sexy so what he tried to do is he tried to add sexy words and a lot of body part references to ordinary things happening to this regular accountant so let's see if you can spot them as I read you from I don't even god knows what it's called but it's about

a naked dude as a gentle breeze blew over a sea of cars James Knight was stuck in the morning downtown traffic but he didn't care he was enjoying the robust flavor of his morning coffee and it tasted great then an automobile swerved in front of his car forcing James to slam the brake pedal

to avoid an accident unfortunately the sudden halt splashed hot coffee on his lap damn he shrieked painfully coffee was burning into his crotch so quickly he put the cup on the console and grabbed a napkin to cool the area after doing his best to clean his hands

cool that huge dick cool that area he glanced in the rear view mirror a beautiful sight came into view which mellowed his anger to a fizzle snow-packed mountains were towering in the background thrusting his thoughts yeah they're thrusting

even the day off would be terrific he hadn't taken one in such a long time then the car beside his burst his bubble by blowing their horn at another automobile James glanced at them but knew there was no escape from the freeway so he turned on the radio the sweet sounds of rock soothed his

soul until he arrived at his exit yeah he's gonna fuck that car he should have said he came to his exit yeah he just right to his exit obviously I did take some of the sexy part if you'd like to hear some of the sexy part but tell me it's written like an account

please why even ask there might be listen standing in front of a full-length mirror Johnny was wearing only a red and black striped G-string as he admired his tan physique he was practicing exotic dance steps swaying his lower body with ease of a pendulum

this man was completely uninhibited Johnny knew how to drive his body pulsating his hips toward the mirror he had moves that could bring the most reserved female to lusty titillation and his talent produced excellent money so there's the account part

yeah it does become weirdly surgical he held a cold beer in one hand while gripping his cell phone with the other I'm well but I need a favor and you were the first cat that came to mind my car is in the shop and I need a ride to work a ride to work

what are you talking about it's about time to sell that car hey be easy she just needs a little repair that's what I get for shining her up too pretty and riding her too hard how do you always prepare everything in a sexual way what else would you expect from me Johnny shot back

Johnny himself aware yeah Johnny gets it I fucked my car it's nothing and it's a problem in most walks of life I can never talk to a cop it goes bad therapy hasn't helped so that continues

he talks to his friend about getting a cold beer after work now I think my favorite project that he'll never finish is called sweet revenge and it's just Deathwish starring I would presume Derek Savage yeah Derek Savage from the the description of the book

from the press release after the viper street gang James Swanson's family he goes to the police but the police are powerless against the hardened gang members so James has only one way to rectify the problem James joins forces with his brother and childhood friends

and these guys know the true meaning of family hood if someone kills your family then it's sweet revenge time and they have an assortment of weapons US military the story has little to no profanity with the message that white and black people can live in friendship and overcome adversities together

and then and then in a larger font in quotes a screenplay so I guess it's not in a book as it was advertised it's just the words a screenplay appear I think he probably doesn't know usually I've seen that before

they usually don't know what a screenplay is they just say like I have that book people hide in the scenes where he says it's just a story but he says this is a screenplay right maybe he just imagines it as a movie I enjoy the confidence

this man has to embrace any genre or medium he'll try anything he's gonna do it I hope one of those childhood friends ready to kill everybody they see is cool cat all grown up just really bring that vertical synergy

of love I'm going through he did a cool cat safety cooking book I'm really stuck on him stopping to be like hey this is about white and black people getting along like you know

somebody gave him the feedback this is a big fucking problem and he's like okay I got it this is about white and black people getting along that's how he addressed that problem I admit the book is a little racist the message of togetherness at the end of it that's why it's okay for the main character

the white main character to kill so many black bad guys because the black people love it too yeah he had a guy in nom that he fought with he was a black man wouldn't have invited him over but you know they were friendly here's a rap song I wrote about it

yeah okay cut that one but the likelihood that he wrote it is very fucking high the likelihood that all of that was 100% correct is very high there's another problematic thing

while we're on the subject of problematic things he started making cool cat versus the wicked witch where cool cat said it was one of the coolest scripts Derek has written cool cat is Derek so this is him saying that about himself here's what he wrote about it

it says all the kids love cool cat except the wicked witch who attacks him with her evil minions but cool cat shows kids how to win story stars a down syndrome and an autistic child as cool cat's partners so okay describing mental disabilities is a difficult thing to do

it requires a delicate sensitive touch you need the kind of guy who might say I guess that's the point you don't need to know anything else about those characters that's what they're here to do they don't need a name they are the thing that happened to them okay so he also

made one about fighting coronavirus I did clip a song I saw that Mike did you watch okay please no go ahead cool cat rhyme this easy to share it's about being healthy it's showing you care

care this is maybe worse than the other it's cool to wash your hands wash there for 20 seconds is all rapper should do good rhyme good night sleep is also important to keep you healthy

I'm cool cat and I'm the coolest cat all rappers know I got the righteous safety tip I'm cool cat I'm the cool cat okay legitimate cracks me up

did he make a single rhyme I don't think there was a single thing that rhymed anywhere in that yeah he's just rapping blank verse was he trying to do a Cajun accent or something that was kind of Wilford brimley and hard target just

a good whiskey make the jackrabbit slap the beer I don't know it's like a gun to his head he's just like rapping so here's some fun facts about Derek he's known for abusing copyright strikes to get back at people who make fun of him so he's obviously very famous

we'll go ahead he's probably more known for this than he is for anything else that he's done he sent one guy a hilariously fake email where he pretended to be a lawyer to threaten him and then people started making fun of him yeah they're like I don't think your law firm exists

because we have Google dumb shit and so then he's like okay fine I won't destroy you financially with my high powered lawyer but I do demand an apology and so that didn't work so he made a temper tantrum reaction video that's just really hard to look at I couldn't even watch it all

the point is he's bad at everything and he handles everything wrong and I think that one time systematically over the last hour and a half yes I think the one time in 1987 when someone said hey change down to your underpants because you're very sexy

I think that broke his brain I don't think he ever recaptured that one shining moment and I think he was trying to interface with the world like the guy he thought he was for that photo shoot through the lens of that one interaction just I'm always the man with the nice

package that's me you can almost see my penis besides the insane catch it and the gun nut stuff he also seems to really like self defense but not in like a fun way like he is dying to death wish some mugger

well yeah he wrote a book about it most gun nut people that's the dream come true was just like oh man I was there when someone tried to mug the ice cream shop oh boy if you get a maniac that writes more than it starts to be just

like a biography of all the things that are wrong with him so yeah he has clearly admitted that he wants to kill somebody in quote unquote self defense absolutely that was probably when he charged bush as cool cat that was probably just like the script

called for him to trip on the candy but he was like no I'm gonna fucking kill that kid fucking kill that kid so here's another thing about him he's like a big weed nerd and so he he writes stuff about animals on fronts you wouldn't expect he still sucks yeah and he made

this award show that was god it was like less than nothing it's like the 420 awards show and it's him in a basement with some creep I have a clip but for this award I want to go in and bring in the fabulous comedian Stephen Proto now sit with us

come on over here Stephen get over there don't you hug that big guy now I'll tell you what there are several types of music country rock rap spiritual and many others

but it takes a special soul to make a great song and for the 420 awards favorite male singer are nominees are Travis Scott Snoop Dogg Harry Styles and Kanye West

and Stephen what is that our special line let's roll that fabulous footage okay so they cut to footage that had clearly been copyright struck so like he doesn't have the actual

music it's just like random piano music or cool cat songs or whatever it I don't even know how to describe this it's like a little play you'd show everyone to embarrass the sixth grader who made it it's just fucking stupid he listed all the nominees on his twitter and there were five for each category

like prettiest gal or whatever and you might know this about twitter you can only have four in a poll so for the fifth one you'd have to reply with the right end vote meaning like I mean it's just a stupid detail I'm telling you but it's it's valuable in helping make the case that

he's never done anything right ever in the history of his life not even a tweet there's not even a single tweet it's a tearing this man down like he is literally gonna be a shivering on a cellular

level of destruction and good for me it's gonna be butch's career after this like him and butch just in a ditch where just drunk and dying from this fucking podcast pretty sad I guess that's where you end on Derek Savage it's just it's

pretty sad like something that wrong with this guy's brain and he sold a lot of people guns and kept a lot for himself so this madman is well armed desperate to use those guns and has poor judgment and hates

everything absolutely did commit these mavericks promptly escaped their corporate captors and fled to bespoke comedy websites where they paid the ultimate price fifty dollars today they survive as hot dogs of fortune if you have a problem

if no one else can help if you can find them maybe you can hire the Supremes three finger Louis the man with the plan Aaron Crossden the muscle Adrian Hisbrook the face Aidan Mouac the wildcard

Alpha Scientist Java also wildcard Anandi the wildest card Andreas Larson wildcard Armando Nava wildcard Benjamin Sironin the face of a wildcard

Bim Talzin wildcard Brandon Garlock wildcard Brian Saylor wildcard Breanne Whitney wildcard Brockway loves the meat Millie that's a wildcard Sarah considered a wildcard

by other less wildcards Chad wildcard Chase McPherson wildcard Chris Brower wildcard you get too many wildcards together they start agreeing on plans that's when you call Curious Glare to re-wild those cards

Dan B wildcard Dean Costello wildcard Donald Trump wildcard Donald Finney wildcard Dr. Awkard the wildcard Eric Spaulding the pilot and wildcard

Fancy Shark wildcard wildcard Jell-O Hambo wildcard Haraka wildcard Hot Fart wildcard Jay Burrell Aidan wildcard Jacob Thornberg wildcard This one goes out to the wildcard

but especially with Jeff Eraski Jeremy Neal a whole fucking deck of nothing but wildcards John Deed wildcard John McCammond wildcard John Minkoff wildcard Josh Fabian actually a pretty tame card

until you double tap to activate and he enters wild mode Josh S wildcard Ken Paisley wildcard John Deed wildcard John Deed wildcard Ken Paisley wildcard K&M wildcard

Laziest man on Mars wildest card on earth Matt Riley wildcard Michael Lair all the girls say he's pretty wild for a card guy Michael Wells wildcard Mickey Lohman rogue wildcard Mike Stiles wildcard

Mojoo wildcard N.D. wildcard Neil Bailey and Neil Schaefer Neil Wildcard Nick Ralston is a boat guy All boat guys are wildcards Nick H wildcard That old wildcard Ozzie Olin

Patrick Herbst wildcard Rain Vargas Mute Mimic Martial Arts Master and of course Wildcard Rhiannon wildcard Sarkovsky the wildcard Spotty Reception wildcard

Ted H part-time wildcard Full-time wildcard Full-time wildcard Oh that wildcard Timi Lahey Toastie God wildcard Tommy G wildcard Yossarian wildcard And featuring special guest

Tom Sikula as Sick Orphan Bobby Baskins The absolute wildcard of the children's oncology ward