The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - Dogg Zzone 9000 - Episode 87, Think Big With Hana Michels

Episode Date: August 17, 2022

Brockway recruits the most barbaric barbarians -- Seanbaby and guest Hana Michels -- for the final, the ultimate Barbarian Game. Having never seen the movie, Sean and Hana must roleplay the plot of the Barbarian Brothers 1989 trucker comedy, Think Big!

One nine hundred hot dog. One nine hundred hot dog. Out of podcast slams with maximum hype. Say hot dog podcast word. Yeah. When you taste that nitrate power, you're in the dog zone for an hour. Come on.

You know the number. One nine hundred. One nine hundred hot dog. One nine zero zero. One nine hundred hot dog. One nine hundred. One nine hundred hot dog. One nine zero zero zero.

Yeah. Nine thousand. Welcome to the Dog Zone 9000, the official podcast of one nine hundred hot dog America's last comedy website. I'm the Baron of Braun, Robert Brockway. With me is the Prince of Pomp, Sean Baby. Woo.

It's a pleasure to be here. And our meaty, sweetie, oh so big and beefy, barbarian queen, Hannah Michaels. Hello. Perfect. A perfect barbarian entrance. Hopefully. Yeah, that was on cue.

My grandma taught me that. She was a member of Mensa. Back when they were an all burping club. That's how you get into Mensa. For sure. Burping burp at. All right. Today, as hopefully you have guessed,

we are playing the final barbarian game. Now that's a game where each of you occupy the very spacious brain of a barbarian brother. And you tell me how you'd play out one of their movies if you were them. If you sync up with the movie or if you're just, if your answer is fucking barbarian as fuck, you get a barbarian point.

And that's not a joke. You need to keep track of those. You'll need them at the end. All right. I've never seen any of these. So I'm excited. That's perfect. That's the exact energy.

You're supposed to go into this. Sean has played so many of the games that he can guess now, but you're here as always as the wild card. I do have the image. And I have seen the barbarians. Fine. Yes. After playing the game, of course.

Yeah. Hon, are you familiar with the barbarian brothers at all? It would be crazy if you were. Not at all. Not even a little bit. Oh, you're going to go make poopies? Go ahead. Yeah, I am.

Sorry. All right. We'll be back in five after the poopies. That's amazing. You knew that. You just called it from my voice, I guess. All right. The barbarian brothers are two huge guys.

They're identical twins. And that's it, I guess. See, I thought they were like professional wrestlers, but somebody else came in and was like, no, they were just two huge guys. And we gave them several movies with larger budgets than you would think. They could not act.

I would argue they're completely charming just because they're just two huge dopes doing their best. There is a sensibility to them that you can't get from normal people. Like there's a madness to the movies where you're like, I can't even like reverse engineer how we got to this point. Like when he was hanging from a noose and to get out of it, he just made walrus sounds and it broke.

And I'm like, a normal person would like demonstrate something to do with like super neck muscles or something. But no, he's just like walrus sound. That's how we'll communicate that. And it's like, that's crazy in a way that is unpredictable. And they carry that with them to everything. Walrus sound is how you tense your neck muscles best. That's why they do it.

Probably. Again, it makes a sort of sense after it all happens. It's hard to understand how they got to it. So we have done their previous movies, which were the barbarians, double trouble and twin sitters. All of them were kind of ripoffs. Barbarians was a ripoff cone, the barbarian double trouble was rip off of the, where each other's identical twins.

One is good. One is evil popper and print style and twin sitters was kind of home alone, but calling them ripoffs of those movies just does them a massive injustice because it's like somebody vaguely heard of those movies. Yeah. And then tried to rip off the premise, but also was just huge and had problems thinking.

I'm already enjoying this. It's going to be fun. Just a year, hopefully in the headspace. So with that in mind, we're going to do think big. This is their trucker adventure movie. All male leads legally had to do a trucker adventure movie up until I want to say 1997. Yeah.

Yeah. And then they had to transition to ripoffs of the professional. But before that trucker movie was how you, how you got your, your stuff. I think they all had to do a twin sitters too. They all had to do a Mr. Nanny or a tooth fairy. Oh yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Men taking care of babies was hilarious in the 80s. Can you imagine if men had to take care of babies, it will never happen. It'll never happen.

My daughter is unsupervised right now. And I just went and checked on her and she has created a pile of debris so she can stand up to play an arcade game in the living room. So she's playing WWF superstars on a pile of garbage while I'm in here in a more or less soundproof row. With a single tier of pride. I feel like that's confirmation bias because all I have is a

feral cat and he is also covered in garbage. And I feel like it takes less to parent one of those. You've really got to work to be as bad at this as I am playing the feral cat equivalent of wrestling game, which I guess would be licking your genitals. So that's pretty close. Yeah. That's how Hunky Talk Man finished his opponents.

It never happened, but I begged Eric Barnes to be on wrestling pro wrestling and just be a cat that licks its genitals in the middle of the stage while the wrestlers just stand there and wait for it to stop so they can start fighting. And he did not leap at that chance. Oh, no, he wanted, he was down. He was like, I have to check with a bunch of people though. And they were not.

Wasn't flexible enough. Yeah. That needs to be on the record that he was. I was. Yeah. Yeah. I am flexible enough. I have a joint disorder.

That was the other thing. He was like, we're not sure that we can ensure you given that you're doing this trick is actually hurting your help. Although that's all professional wrestling. I'm pretty sure that's the thesis statement of professional wrestling. You heard it here, folks. Wrestling pro wrestling takes care of its performers more than

more than the WWE. Which is not a bar. Anybody should have any trouble clearing. No, it's not. But yeah, if you live in Burbank, go see it. I'm plugging someone else's thing right now. Well, speaking of. But you're saying there's no one licking their own genitals.

As far as I know, they might still let me do it. I would. I would keep that out of the next plug is all I'm saying. I'm just saying. Yeah, you don't know if they've changed policy since then. Nobody could say. I mean, you want to say it's on the table to ask them or if he just wrote it down and then was like, I forgot.

So Hannah, where can people find you licking your own butt? Oh, my Twitter is at Hannah Michaels. H-A-N-A-M-I-C-H-E-L-S. And I won't be on camera for that. But I will be describing it more than is necessary. Fantastic. I mean, metaphorically, that's all Twitter really is. Yeah.

So I love your Twitter account because you always remind us of the context that your parents read it. And I think that brings like a nice. And it brings like nice edge to the comedy. Do they discuss it with you? They do. They have issues with it. They have issues with it.

Like I think I had this whole saga where I was like upset that I had to go on a trip alone with my mother and she booked a single bedroom. And the last time we went on a trip together, she had this whole like thing where she's a therapist and she was trying to rebirth us. And it was horrific and upsetting. And she called me.

Is that what it sounds like? Yes. Exactly what it sounds like. And she called me to correct me that the trip to Kauai was not in 2004. Not that she did not try to do that. She did not dispute that at all. Yeah.

Don't tell people about that. Just the crazy mistake. Apparently I was a couple of years ahead. Maybe I wanted to seem younger, mom. Right. Excuse me. Women should never lie about their age, sweetie. Let's recreate the passing through my birth canal.

Like a normal mother and daughter on vacation. Yes. What a perfect start to this podcast. What perfect energy of wrestlers licking their genitals and people being rebirthed by their mothers. It's just. We're 10 minutes in and it's, it's, I couldn't. She was also like, you know, I was joking, right?

And I was like, yeah, I know you were half joking. I know this was also a therapy trend at the time that you were very enthusiastic about and tried with your patients. So I don't buy it. Did she invent this or was, did another therapist invent this? Oh, other there, other much worse there. Therapists are perverts like as a rule. Oh yeah.

I'm getting that. Yeah. Like historically therapists are objectively the worst kind of pervert because they're. Oh yeah. Are you kidding? Total per. Coke had, Coke had vibrator.

You know, he wasn't cleaning those vibrators between patients. That is a health hazard. You know, he was dusting them with Coke between patients. Yes. A hundred percent. Some Coke had to get on the single vibrator that I'm assuming he used for every patient. That's what causes yeast infections at the very least.

I don't know. What was on that? What was in that Coke? Was it pure Coke? Was it laced with something? What other infections can you get? I don't know. He would have been Ted.

He would have been Ted. Probably. What a perfect segue into the movie. Perfect segue with the barbarian brothers. All right. Let's get started. There is of course an animated opening sequence full of wacky antics.

I'm going to give you the general theme of the antics, which is that the barbarian brothers try to do the right thing with their strength and nothing, no other virtues. And they get horribly wounded instead. Give me some antics. Give me an antics, Sean. Okay. Let's see.

A old lady is stuck under a car and they have to come lift the car to free her and end up throwing the car so hard it lands on a second old lady. I think that might have actually been in there. So yeah. Get a barbarian point. Thank you. Anna, a barbarian antic.

All right. So you can look this up. Argentina. 1990s. I don't know. I was expecting an animated antic to go. I'm super intrigued. This is a, an animated reenactment, reenactment of the time,

but Poodle named catchy or catchy. I'm not sure. Ironic name fell 13 stories onto a woman killing them both instantly. Another woman witnesses the tragedy. And walks in front of a bus to see it. A man witnesses this has a heart attack and dies in the hospital. And then the brothers in this animated reenactment are driving

the bus and also try to groom the Poodle. So it looks a little nicer for its funeral. Not the people. Just the Poodle. I'm a perfect antic. Yeah. Their strength, but it's very barbarian. Maybe it was their strength that made them drive the bus extra

hard into a woman. Yeah. I don't make sense. Not following the cartoon, but fucking definitely get a barbarian point for that. So you each have one. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Definitely get a barbarian point for that. So you each have one. Mark them down.

It's on Wikipedia's list of unusual deaths. Unusual antics. What led you to that? What led you to that? Wikipedia. Um, that's my favorite page. I check it every day just to see if it's updated. I do check it sometimes.

Only seven of them are mine. Somebody's got to have a couple, got to be responsible for a couple of those weird deaths. It's got to be the darkest badge of honor. That's a great idea for a serial killer in very different centuries. People have died at the concept of a donkey eating fakes. I don't know if this is like died laughing at the concept of a

donkey eating. I don't know if this is like something I'm missing here in ancient culture and medieval culture, because again, different centuries, two people have been documented dying laughing at a donkey eating fakes or just the concept of what I don't, I don't understand. Is it because the food is a very fancy food and the donkey is like a very base animal?

That's my guess. But again, I feel like our ancient people just very stupid. I think what it is, is that they're very chewy and sticky. And so it kind of looks like the donkey is talking, same logic as like Lancelot, Link, Secret Chip or Mr. Ed. And then someone's behind the donkey saying hilarious donkey stuff.

That's exactly what I do. I'm going to go poop on the floor. That makes a lot more sense. My ancient brain can't deal with this. It shuts down. My wife's meatloaf. And they're just like, it looked like the donkey had a wife and she makes bad meatloaf.

No, tell them I died happy. Snow crash death virus of just ancient times. One guy got that joke. He'll love it. All right. Now for the most important question of the game. This is to Hannah. Who does the theme song for this movie and what genre is it?

I'm going to say Randy Newman. Who is his own genre? That's perfect and perfect, but not very barbarian. I'm going to give you a point for that. Sean, who does the theme song and what genre is it? Well, you've already given me a clue that needs to be barbarian. So I'm going to say weird out Yankevic polka. Definitely not.

Neither of you get any points. There is a forbidden button on the soundboard and I would like you to press it now. Oh my God. I've been dying to press this. Oh, it's them. No bow to Bowden. That's enough. Okay.

Stop it. So I guess that that's obviously the barbarian brothers wrapping their own theme song in the style of I want to say half public enemy, half beastie boys. Yeah, sort of. Yeah. And of course it's exposition. It is about the movie and about how they think big in the movie, which they don't. They don't even try.

Truck drivers are not like maybe they are. Are they dreamers? It feels like that's not a job you get into because you're like, man. I mean, they're daydreamers. I imagine there's a lot of daydreaming, but I don't think like. What I'm thinking right now based on what you've described is maybe these movies are a testament to overthinking rather than underthinking. And there's no way for us to know.

I think there's a way for us to know. And it's the facial expression of a barbarian brother at any point in time. That's also true. I have not seen that. They I assure you they are not overthinking it. And they're and it's not a it's not a vacant expression. They they love nothing more in this world than to not overthink things. They are just having a genuine blast.

Yeah, there's not a capacity to the walrus sound. It's not like there's a lot of depth of meaning in a walrus sound. It's just by your attempts to find meaning in the walrus sound. Somewhere in Montana, the present. You, Hannah are Rafe and you, Sean are Vic and that's David. Okay, you're driving who's who's passed. RIP to me. Yes, but you're healthy.

Healthy and alive here. Healthy is it anybody has ever been that has also possibly done more steroids than any other human in history. Right. Whatever that whatever that I tell you what I'm wearing. I remember how this game works. Sure. You can tell me what you're wearing for bonus points.

Let's see. Moth eating sweatpants and the butt says, eat this, Gary. Two, two quick wraps of saran wrap for a shirt. Feathered Robin Hood cap. Seven bandanas. Pretty close. There's not as much flair in this one. There you've got the Moth eating sweatpants.

Big, big sweater with the entire top section cut out to be a crop top that ends at the belly button, like a V neck scoop that goes down to the belly button. I should have. Man, I was already going to start out with mesh crop. Well, you can go. What are you wearing? Rafe. Mesh crop, single ostrich feather earring.

Very important that it's ostrich feather because I have had some success, but not enough for like a whole ostrich feather thing. So it's just your chicken. Yes. Um, the those basketball shorts that like every dude in his 20s rolled over and puts on after sex, after saying, Hey, and nothing else to you. And it's like, what the fuck? Why do you all do this?

Um, those shorts are like, you can wash those. It's okay. Uh, I understand that you only wear them when you're not going out, but you are at home at some point every day. When I put those shorts on, I'm like, that's my way of saying I'm ready for round two. Like I'm getting up to get some juice when I'm coming back and the shorts are coming off.

Oh yeah. No, there's, there's, if you're saying there's jizz in those shorts, there's jizz in those shorts. For sure. There's, there's leftover runoff in those shorts. Absolutely. Um, and that's the shorts that he has on now. A lot of, he's wearing his post sex leftover runoff shorts.

Yes. And like, you know, low hanging 90s style, but the socks are very high up 70s style sports socks. And the sneakers are a Nike decades that they discontinued after Heaven's Gate. Very close on the socks and sneakers. Uh, I believe it's always radical chucks, radial converse, uh, and ankle warmers.

Uh, also Moth Eaton sweatpants and a tank top that is just really putting some work in just really outmatched, a really outmatched tank top. Nice. Sexy. All right. You're, you're driving your big rig truck, your truck drivers. The truck is named lucky. Uh, you're having a conversation about two things.

That's really about one thing. What is that conversation? Uh, spaghetti, but it's really about sex. Uh-huh. And Hannah. Hmm. I'm going to say bricks, but it's really about my wife and also my mother. Both valid guesses.

Take a barbarian point each for that. Oh, thank you. Thank you. Uh, Rafe, you're concerned you're about to lose your truck and you are threatening Vic. Vic, you're talking about how cool babies are. So his biological clock is ticking. Well, I guess my biological clock is ticking.

Yeah. You're going to actually guess what's Vic's favorite thing about babies? Oh, Jesus. Um, probably their fashion sense. No, no, no. They're, they're, they're clothes themselves. I love this. I love babies clothes.

They fit perfectly over my giant torso. And then he puts down it. It's like a stretched out toddler shirt. We're a complete baby outfit on each forearm. That's totally, totally tracking. Yeah. What you actually say is you ever think about having kids. They got such little feet.

Chicks really dig it when you have kids with them. Besides babies are good luck unless they're born with three sixes on their tongue. Wow. I didn't know there's a Christian edge to these guys. This is figured amongst the first dialogue of the movie. So, you know, it's, it's like the best that they, that they can do that the screenwriter put forward.

Yeah. Now something is happening in your truck that warrants both of these conversations, the threats and the babies are cool. What is it? Oh, we've definitely kidnapped a baby. Hannah, any guesses? Uh, I'm going to go with you because I think you're correct. But I also think you did not strap in the car seat properly.

And it's just flopping around. It's just bouncing around. Kidnap them in danger to baby. I bet they made it out of like garbage. It's like made out of two pizza boxes and a seat belt. Yep. You know what? I am going, I think you technically get that.

I'm going to give you both a barbarian point for that. You, you do have an unauthorized baby. It is in danger, but that's because there's a woman in the back of the cab delivering a baby and it's going to make you late for your delivery. What steaks? There's a detour ahead with all of this in mind. What do you do? Play of the double delivery.

Okay. So there's a detour ahead and we're already running low on time. Yes. You're already going to be late and a baby had this being delivered and you're trying to get to the hospital. Hannah, I really hope you agree with me because here's my plan. We drive rate the fuck the same way we were going to go at the start.

Fuck that detour sign. We're smashing through whatever's in the way. It is on route. It is full of construction workers. Well, they better get moving. Yep. Okay. We are going to do them like bowling pins.

Yep. That's exactly correct. You, uh, you plowed straight through that detour and almost murder almost intentionally every single construction worker there. Like there's one you kind of swerve for just to fake them out. And, uh, now a motorcycle. Is that really in the movie? They kind of fuck with a guy.

It looks like it. I don't know if that's intentional that they meant to fuck with them, but the truck swerves a little bit and the guy like does a little, a little juke like, which way am I going? And then jumps out of the way. It's pretty great. Uh, a motorcycle police officer is now in pursuit. What do you do?

Uh, proof. Hannah, you think we should throw the baby at him? I was thinking something very similar. I was thinking maybe you ran over a skunk, picked it up while still driving and threw it at the, threw it at the cop. I really like that. Definitely throwing a small creature at a police officer.

Good barbarian instincts. You can take a point for that. Oh, thanks. Uh, no, but that's not what you do. Instead, you both grab, uh, your own chicken bone. You each have a chicken bone and you sing the lucky, lucky chicken bone song together. How does the lucky, lucky chicken bone song go?

You guys. I'm guessing, uh, pretty close. I do not have anything queued up. It would be incredible if you did. Do you want to take this one? Chicken bone. Snap the chicken bone to tell the prophecy.

And this is the imaginary voice of Hannah's feral cat that keeps her company. Yes. That is exactly what I was doing. Thank you for explaining. That is 100% what his eyes were saying. So I will take that. Okay.

Uh, no. This is insane to me. They, they, they sing a chicken song with their, with the chicken bone each. Yes. The siren goes on. They both. Chicken bone.

It's my only friend. There we go. There's a good chicken bone song. You can get a barbarian point for that. That was pretty close. Hannah. Uh, the song actually goes chicken bone, chicken bone, lucky, lucky chicken bone, chicken bone, chicken bone,

lucky, lucky chicken bone. Don't overthink this. It's a barbarian brother's movie. This is your response to a police chase. Uh, the pregnant woman, I feel like here we, if they have a magic chicken bone, this is the time to use it.

I'm just saying how did they get to this point in the writing process? When they're, how do these characters get out of it? Someone else said, what if they had twin lucky chicken bones? Yes. It's,

it makes sense now. It's just amazing. Any other writer you'd think like, Oh, that develops a lot of backstory. These guys are like weird with witches outside of this scene. Like we're, we're learning about them. But in this movie,

it's just a madness that, that we're making work because our brain is good at solving puzzles. Mm hmm. Yes. That's the appropriate space. That's part of the pregnant woman now needs help. What do you guys do to help?

I think if one of us grabbed her by her jawline and the other one grabbed her by the pelvis, we could like pop that baby out. Just accordion that baby right out of her. Yeah. Yeah. I'm thinking something very similar, but like that slapping scene and airplane,

but it's just two of them. So they just take turns until right. Just watching her in the head until she fucking has that baby. You're going to have that baby. What people giving birth need is motivation, not, you know, pain killers. I did say I was going to give you points if it was barbarian as fuck. So take a point as barbarian as fuck.

It's more so than what they actually do. The answer is you both take off your shirts to use as blankets for the woman. It is unclear why she needs blankets, but it's very clear why you don't need shirts. After birth. I mean, she is on, she's on in the back of the cab on what looks like

several blankets already. You want when you're giving birth is a sterile environment. So what you should do is take nearby bacteria, bacteria, just rub it all over the mother. We've established that they are like tank tops and sweaters and some plain old shirts. All of the sweat clothes.

Yes. Now, Vic, you slip into the back to assist the pregnant woman further. What are you doing? I think I'm probably going to try to establish a relationship with her to see if I can get that baby. Like,

I want to make good enough friends with her that she'll give me her baby because I was just talking about how much chicks like babies. If I get this chicks baby, I could get a chick. So I am going to maybe give her a compliment. Like, hey, you're looking pretty good. That shirt looks nice on you. I like these fluids squirting out of all your holes. That is an excellent guess,

according to the internal logic that the movie has laid out so far. And that means you couldn't be more incorrect. You will get no point. Do I lose one? No. Okay. It's early in the game, but I don't do that again. But don't fuck around again.

What you actually do is you squat nearby with a catcher's glove and provide some pattern. Oh, that's real good. I probably should have come up with that. Yeah, you should have. Rafe, you're driving. What do you do? I just swear.

That is correct. Have fun with it. That is correct. You swerve wildly to almost murder some nuns. Take a barbarian point. You arrive at the hospital. The motorcycle cop pulls a gun on you and demands you exit the truck. Rafe, what do you do?

Put my thumb in the gun hole and say, this lady just had a baby out of her gun hole. And that's an emergency. We've had enough things spurting out of holes today, officer. Yes. I love that. That's my new favorite slang for vagina is the gun hole. Yeah.

Yeah. Also, the thumb is very centrally placed inside the gun hole as though it were a mouth to seduce the officer. Of course. You actually opened the door to reveal the baby using it as a human shield. All nearby people love this. All is forgiven. All onlookers, including the cop, applaud.

Oh, you're a maniac. Oh, you have a baby, though. That's fine. That's perfect. They wouldn't have known you were pregnant anyway. Thank you for driving through the construction site with an unsecured baby in the cab of your truck. Vic, you get the line to put a wrap on this whole scene.

What's that line? You can guess it. You basically already did. Now, if you'll kindly fuck off, officer, we've got a second delivery to make. Pretty close. You get a point for that. You say, this is the best delivery we ever made. Everybody loves you.

Just almost killing some nuns in front of them, doing several illegal things in front of a motorcycle police officer, and then using a baby as a human shield. And I have a newborn in my catcher's mitt now, right? Yes, basically. Now we cut to David Carradine, who is in this movie for some reason. His character is named Sweeney. He is a repo man. He is here to, I guess, steal your truck.

But in every scene, he has misinterpreted that as he finds your truck intensely erotic. So he's here in this scene, and he slips behind you guys and then really sensually fills up your truck and slips inside of it. And he pulls away. You both scream, sweetie, and chase after him. So there's a relationship here. Only there's a problem with his escape. What is it?

He has stolen too many of their choking belts, and he's all tangled up with them. No. The problem is Sweeney doesn't know how to drive a truck, but he still wants it. So you easily catch up to him within this scene. He doesn't get like 15 feet. Rafe. Is this like a regular truck? Is this like that?

No, it's a big wreck. I think you should leave. Oh, okay, okay. You're truckers. You're truck drivers. Rafe, you run up to the truck immediately catching Sweeney. It's unclear why we even did this scene. You pop your head into the window to confront him.

What do you do? Just a mature, elegant headbutt. That's perfect. You get a barbarian point. You wordlessly knock him straight the fuck out. This is, Sweeney is one of the main villains of the film. This is the challenge level you will face. He can't steal a truck and he's got a glass jaw.

Okay. You're a monster who will just knock him the fuck out with very little provocation. Also, it should be clear that they didn't even look up how repo men work because you only have one payment left on your truck and you still have two days to make it. But they think that's not how repo men work. So he's constantly stealing your truck. It was amazing. It's very confusing.

I feel like even in 1990, when this was made, people knew enough about repo men to be like, when you're late on payments, they take your stuff. Not like when you got one payment left, you have to dodge repo men. It's like a challenge before you can earn your thing. Good writing. Good research. Fantastic. I really want to get you into the headspace of the movie.

It's very important to accept that early. So you return to your trucker depot and your fucking nerd of a boss is furious. You relate with your delivery. Describe that nerd boss to me. All right. So he was a neighbor's name on Seinfeld Newman. Yes. Okay.

So he looks like Newman, but pants even higher pants. So high. They like cover his chin and nose like they not nose. No, no. For the other thing. Not nose. Just mouth. No assholes wear their masks on his nose.

There is an unwrapped condom that kind of squeaks and flaps as he breathes in and out. And his eyeglasses are like these, these like pink, these like very sort of standard nerdy square black frames, but then pink flamingo heads just shoot out. That's X. I was about to say we should emasculate him a little. Of the glasses. Yes.

Maybe a tutu. Is that, let's see. Ford Rogue can get this guy in a tutu. Just let the audience know he's a fucking asshole. That's right. Can we try the tutu? Wow. I don't know how to describe that as any other way than correct.

So take a barbarian point each for that. It's not correct, but it should be. He's dressed like a conventional nerd. High pants. He got that part. Big thick black glasses. He even has the pocket protector except for he's fucking seven feet tall. He's played by bull from night court.

And he walks out to headlock both of you. Again, pay attention to this moment. It will serve you well. So he easily headlocks both of you and gives you a lecture about being reckless and tardy. Then he explains directly after lecturing you about being reckless and tardy about the shipment of toxic waste that absolutely needs to be there on time. Who gets that job?

Us, obviously. No question. Yeah, you guys. Take a barbarian point for that. He literally finishes. I don't think we deserve one. No. Okay.

Can you imagine that this movie was like, we had this very important toxic waste shipment. I'm not giving it to you guys. Instead, you guys are going to go do a very mundane thing over here. That's ridiculous. I just love that in the same sentence, they're so star for time that like, you're reckless. You're tardy.

I've got toxic waste that absolutely needs to be there on time. Who's going? And it's you. You guys get that job. You have 33 hours to get from Techstar, the company where the toxic waste is being stored to San Pedro, California. It does not take that long. You should have 14 hours of spare time.

But I bet the toxic waste was on the VHS cover. Is it okay if I Google the VHS cover or is that not in the spirit list? No, I think it's one of those with like a bunch of characters on it. Okay. Okay. So your boss has invented a special countdown clock that he calls the foul up clock to tick down this job and he sticks it to your dash. So there is literally a ticking clock in most scenes of the movie.

Writing. Yeah. Again, just subtext is not for this movie. You need to, you need to get out of that mind space. You guys arrive at Techstar, company with toxic waste. It's a think tank. It's a Montana think tank. Huh.

They exclusively employ child geniuses. Montana think tank for child geniuses that produces toxic waste. Convenient. I mean, I don't know for what, but. This might not be radioactive waste. This might just be like Cheeto dust and like child diarrhea. It is explicitly explained that it is radioactive. It is never explained what it's from or why.

But anyway, the tech star think tank again, keep that in mind. One of the child geniuses, Holly has invented a remote control that turns off anything. Okay. You might recognize this as rapidly approaching way too many things. And it's not done yet. And then there the weenie boss is trying to sell that to evil businessmen, just men in the general business of evil. The demonstration goes a bit haywire.

What do the evil businessmen do? What are the stakes here? I just want to interject real quick. What happened to that woman and her baby? You are done with them. So they died, I guess. I mean, surely, surely some sort of staff infection. Great.

So I needed to know. And the machine's keeping her alive got turned off by Holly, the child slave who invented an off switch to anything. Universal off switch. It runs on very radioactive material. What further stakes to the businessmen? We already have, you know, your boss, your truck is on the line with Sweeney. Your jobs are on the line with your boss.

There's toxic waste. There's literally a ticking clock. What more stakes can we add? I mean, the kids got to be at risk somehow. Like they're going to kill the kid or she wants to escape. That is correct on both counts. They give them 48 hours to fix it or they'll kill, certainly, Brookner, possibly Holly, and Holly simultaneously discovers that she wants to escape.

This girl's brain is literally magic and they're going to kill her? Yes. These two insane truck drivers don't drive toxic waste. That's not connected yet. These are separate ticking clocks. So now we have two dueling ticking clocks in this movie. Very literally. Holly runs to her therapist played by Claudia Christian, an integral part of our unified

hot dog theory and patron saint of our site. Hannah, you are now the doctor, Claudia Christian. What do you help Holly? I would say I'm treating her very much like a dog here as an I'm petting her head going there, there. It's okay. It's okay, little puppy. Oh, I want to squeeze your face.

I want to squeeze your face. Oh, I want to bite your ears. I want to bite those ears. You're so cute. You're so cute. Oh, you're so cute. You're so cute. No, no, no.

The affection I got was very clinical. Explains a lot. Definitely the biting of the ears is over the line. No, that's not how you help her. The answer to how you help her is you don't. You just kind of go, huh, and she leaves. Holly messages her nerd boyfriend in California to say that's it. Nobody's helping her.

She's escaping with the remote control. Exactly as you guys arrived to pick up your delivery. How old is Holly? She's 16. Okay. Child genius. An obnoxious foreman says, well, well, well, if it ain't the tardy boys again, go grab yourself a grape soda and wait.

How do you guys respond? Oh, I fucked this guy up so hard. I smashed this guy into a basketball and I dunk him in the nearest waste basket. Yep. I'm thinking I shake up a can of grape soda and then instead of making it explode on him, I just jam it in his eye socket. Fuck yeah.

Yeah, you bet. You definitely get barbarian points for that, even though that's wildly incorrect. What you instead, you guys do is you hang your heads in deep and personal shame and then you walk away without a word. We really don't respond well to abuse. Like, yeah, you're just like, oh my God, that was so mean. And you just walk away.

The truck will punch you in the face. Any other type of abuse, we will just be sadly take it. Hey, speaking of the soda machine, you actually, you listen and go grab a grape soda. The soda machine eats your quarter. Vic, what do you do? How do you respond? I mean, I pick it up completely off the ground and smash it back

down until every soda comes out. Very close. Yeah, you get a barbarian point for that. What you do is you pick up a barrel of toxic waste and bash the holy shit out of it. Everyone around you panics screaming that it's toxic waste going. Oh, God. Oh, God, stop.

Stop. But you did. Do you stop? No. No, you don't know my fucking soda. No, you do not stop. Not until Holly actually stops you by using her remote to make the machine spit out quarters and soda to appease your rage.

It's the only thing that does. So it does more than turn things off. Apparently, but it's never said it says it's a universal remote to turn things on and off, but also it's magic and can do whatever. Perfect. She uses that distraction to hide in your cab as you pull away. Barbarian fashion check. What are you guys wearing for this long haul?

How do you want to go first? I'm going to say those sweatshirts that are like, you know how you can get those sweatshirts that are like you got dinosaur spikes starting at the top of the hood. Oh, yeah. And they're often day glow. Yeah. I like those sweatshirts.

They're fun. Those, but then it's like also, it's also a porcupine as well as a stegosaurus. So I have just like a bunch of knitting needles sticking out of my back and then same jizzy basketball shorts, just jizzy basketball shorts, full of even more cum. I've been used several times since then. Two or three days more.

Fire socks. Like, like, like schoolgirl, like knee, like past the knee socks. Deep into the semen zone. Yeah. Yeah. Top of them just sleeping. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. As far as, as far as your concern, because basketball shorts hang low, every part of leg is sock. Every part of visible leg is just sock. And, um, yeah, then, then, um, uh, the, uh, Nike shoes that were called after that town in Oregon tried to secede and it was like a

whole thing where the owner of Nike kind of owned that town. And it's another cold thing. So the bid is that every time it's Nike shoes from a different cult. That's an amazing bit. You definitely get a barbarian point for that. Sean, what's Vic wearing? All right. Nipola sports bra with a chrome sphere over a checkerboard.

Over top of that. Scotty Pippin jersey that says beef half off. Tennis skirts. Velvet cape of a forgotten king. Ha, ha, ha. That it? You done? That's it.

That's the whole thing. Okay. Fantastic. Definitely get a barbarian point for that. Even though you both couldn't be more incorrect, the real answer is you guys are both wearing full surgical scrubs, including masks. What?

Right. Because you're playing the game operation as you drive for, for this bit. Now that this bit has been set up, Rafe, Rafe, what's your first line of dialogue? Ow. It should be perfect. It is not correct.

Your first line of dialogue is, do you ever think about dad? We used to pull his funny bone out too. Vic, what's your reply? That just gave it. Yeah. We used to pull his funny bone out too. That would be wonderful.

Instead, you say, every time I puke. That is really good. Oh, my father. Oh, my God. Holly is in the back listening to all of this banter, and it's so stupid she immediately loses her patience at just how beef you guys are and goes, ah, and this betrays her presence.

You slam the brakes and try to kick her out, but she says, oh, my brother is sick. You guys got to get me to LA. What do you guys do? Are we going to LA already with the toxic waste? Is that what we're doing? Roughly. Roughly.

Okay. Yeah, like a suburb of it. I say, okay, but you got to wear this. And I give her Hannah's last Barbayan fashion chick. Mm-hmm. Jersey shorts and all. It's a crime. That is definitely a crime.

Jersey shorts and pock. Porcupine needles. Um, yeah. I'm going to say, uh, I give her the, the tweezers that are not sanctioned for the game operation, but we don't, the game is not intact. We just have regular tweezers. Uh, and give her the board and say, if you can,

if you can take out this, uh, I forget what's in operation. Um, what's in operation besides the funny bone? I don't know for a barbarian. What is it? Take this pancreas. Get that barbarian point. Sure. It's about removing his actual audience.

Yeah. Yeah. You guys are idiots. So you're like, yeah, that sounds good. That sounds about right. And you agree to take her to the billing airport in the opposite direction of where you're going. Okay.

Has she explained the stakes that like, uh, I guess she's made up stakes of a. Made up. Brother. Okay. So you agree to take her to the airport in the opposite direction. And she doesn't need any of it to trick you guys. Uh, Holly opens a computer and makes an online purchase on her

giant laptop, which you guys treat as strange and dangerous magic, uh, both because it's 1990 and because you're stupid as fuck. Yeah. Uh, now the bad guys catch onto Holly's plan to escape. How did they do this? Uh, she'd like logged on to their military network with her laptop.

Uh-huh. No, they just checked their bank statement and noticed she bought a plane ticket. Oh. Uh-huh. They come up with a new genius plan to stop her. Hannah, what is that plan? Uh, they're also going to the airport and they are taking those

like, you know, those like Looney Tunes, Mark's Brothers, Esk traps that my, my great-grandpa swore he killed a bunch of Nazis with it, but I doubt it. Anyway, were you just like tie a string? Um, you, you tie like a string across a doorway or like a frame of some sort and then people just fall down. And your, your grandpa said I put a string and just like eight

Nazis. My great-grandpa, there was like a bridge to his village and he claims he, he, he, he murked a bunch of Nazis that way. I don't buy it. It's too cartoonish. That is extremely cartoonish. Hit the string like their heads popped up. Well, no, they fell off the bridge.

Oh, okay. And that killed them. So they walked into the string so hard it like bounced them off a bridge. I mean, I guess if it's a rickety old bridge, it's possible that the tripping would cost them. How did your great-grandfather make sure that it was the Nazis that would hit the string and not like a local mother?

Nazis only entrance. It was segregated from Nazis to non-Nazis. I don't know the answer to that except that it was late at night. I don't think that he could have just killed some random ass people. Okay. So you think that they show up at the airport with a bridge and a piece of string and try to trick her into, into going over.

Troubling war crimes from highest caste. I was, I was thinking just the piece of string, but like, yeah, bridge two. I like the bridge edition. No, they call the airport and cancel the reservation. You guys are now at the airport. Vic, you need to pee. How do you explain that in barbarian language?

I need to squeeze in the spaghetti. Pretty good. Get a barbarian point. What you actually say is, I need to take a giganto whiz. I would have got there. Yeah. Pretty close. You, you head into the airport to piss gigantically just in time to

see the bad guys grab Holly. Rafe, you're following. You, you are summoned. You confront them. Rafe first. Rafe, you confront the bad guys in the middle of abducting Holly. What do you do? I, I grab them by the scruffs of their necks and I say, God damn it,

Rue, why are you picking now to meow? Rue is going to take the rest of it here. Here's what I do. I'll go ahead and give Rue a barbarian point for that because what you do is get knocked out instantly by the smallest one. Now it's on. It's an all out airport brawl. Vic, one of the think tank goons, I guess.

He knows karate and he demonstrates some elaborate karate. What do you do? I pick up my unconscious brother and swing him like a bat directly into his dick. That's a great response. You get a barbarian point for that. What you do is you punch him straight in the face and then you make fun of karate for a while. It's pretty good.

It's pretty good. Another attacks you with a suitcase. How do you respond? I let it hit me and come out of the impact with a very silly outfit on. Pretty close. What you do is you punch the suitcase until it explodes and panties fly out of it. Now what do you do? I say, it's like a dream I have every night.

And I just dance in the panties. You can take a barbarian point for that whole exchange. What you actually do is you catch the panties, look to a nearby woman and say, nice, you know, if these aren't yours, they ought to be. And then you throw the panties in her face and run away. That's so fucking crazy. That's the craziest thing you could have possibly done. How does she not just fuck him?

Because her panties, the ones she's wearing are drenched. That has to be illegal. I'm not sure in which direction, but something about it feels illegal. Rafe, you're back up. Now a pudgy goon is squaring off against you. What do you do? I punch him in his gut with the brute force and then the bounce of that, of hitting his pudgy gut just flings me across the room.

And I slam into through several walls and bricks and just die. He knocks you out and dangles you comically over a railing. Vic, it's up to you to save your brother. How do you do that? I take one of the pairs of panties and I put it on the goon and give him a very, very tight but erotically charged wedgie. Very good. What you actually do is lift that karate goon from earlier over your head

and threaten to throw him to his death unless the fellow goon releases your brother, which he does, I guess, they're best friends. So what do you do? Oh, I throw him. I don't go through. You throw him over anyway. You absolutely throw him over anyway. Holly gets away, but she is also stealing your truck. So you climb aboard and surf your truck for a while

before jumping down in front of the windshield making booga-booga faces to scare her. Not sure why that's a good idea, but it works. This works. You force her to pull over and, Rafe, you're really disappointed in her. What do you say? I'd say, goddammit, Holly, this learner's permit is expired. Pretty good. You say, don't think you can take advantage of us just because we're two big dumb guys.

Vic, you got anything to add to that? I take the remote control and I just turn my brother off forever, just ending his existence with the clickable magic button. And then spend the rest of the movie regretting it. No, you add, we're not. We're two huge dumb guys. Okay. Yup. Holly apologizes. All is forgiven. You're two big dumb dogs who just want to lap.

It's adorable. Now it's time to start the truck so you can go on your journey again. There's a process for this. What is that process? All right, so the panties from earlier. I need the car to inhale from those panties to get the invigoration it needs. Yeah, you put it in front of the intake. That makes sense. Yeah, I put them, I stretch them real far like over the grade of the car so that the car can really get a nice width.

This woman was coming back from her trip. So these are filthy panties. Oh yeah. Yeah, yeah. Real nasty. Just airport delay after delay panties. It's the worst. They're nasty. And then I'm sorry. I don't know why I feel distracted. The cat's like, are you talking about panties? You know what that's actually a good strategy. Several fairy cut through. What the fuck? I fucking can't. I thought you were kidding on Twitter.

So I pull like five different levers but in like order of like 20 times. So it's like I'm just undoing what I did before. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I pull five different levers but it's like they're back in their old position. And then I turn the keys and start the car but then I don't push any pedals because I forgot that you have to do that. What you've described is essentially putting a choke on the engine and using the kill switches which would be a valid process.

It's amazing that you stumbled onto that. What you guys do is you sing the Lucky Lucky song. Now the Lucky Lucky song requires a costume change. So it's time for a barbarian fashion check. Fantastic. Give me that barbarian fashion check. I am wearing a child's t-shirt that says, shut the fuck up mom.

Tiny jeans shorts harvested from the same child. So it's a naked child. Well, probably. If you can still call it a child when it's a bag of meat. Too many bandanas to identify. Like I've overloaded your visual receptors with shapes I'm hard to look at. That's my outfit. Hanna.

Bandanas all the way down. All of the body bandanas are bedazzled and the head bandana just says the word Jesus. No context. Just Jesus. Fantastic. Both take a point for that. Vic, what you do is you put a fully skinned rabbit on your head

and Rafe, you grab a pair of maracas made from bones. Oh my God. This is what you gear up for. The Lucky Lucky song. Do you want to take a stab at the Lucky Lucky song anybody? Lucky Lucky Lucky. Here's the Lucky Lucky. Lucky Lucky Lucky.

Fuku Saki Saki. Lucky Lucky Lucky. We're so fucking lucky. Perfect. You can get an extra barbarian point. It's extra credit. It's awesome. It actually goes rabbit, rabbit, treat them good.

Lucky Lucky. Knock on wood. Yogi Berra. Tug McGraw. Start them up. Kumbaya. This is a normal thing to do. I would never have gotten that in a million years.

Wow. That's amazing. It's supposed to be offensive but different. But in a wild new direction. Yeah. Then a bold new direction. I love it. All right.

At the think tank a new goon shows up. His name is Irving. What does Irving look like? Just like a fucking rat in a suit. I'm thinking like, his name is Irving. I'm thinking Irving is a poster that was dropped on Poland in the 40s. I can say that. What a great way to put that.

No, he is also seven feet tall. If I don't specify a role, he's seven feet tall. That's how they cast this movie and it's wildly inexplicable and never commented on. Irving is played by the guy who plays Jaws in the Bond movies. Oh, okay. He's a think tank guy. It's the middle of the night. You guys have been driving.

I think that's Mr. Gilmour's. Okay. You insist? It's the middle of the night. You guys have been driving nonstop. You finally pull over at a truck stop for food. Rafe, you're out parking the truck. Vic, you're heading inside the truck stop with Holly.

You put in your order. Vic, what's that order? 15 monster burgers, double the monster, and a fish taco. Pretty close. You can have a barbarian point for that. You ordered a liver and onions, two club sandwiches, two fries, the onion rings, a slice of pumpkin pie, some lime jello and two chocolate shakes. You do get one more line here. One more follow up.

What is that line? You know it. Everybody knows it. We know it. It's okay. Of course, the catchphrase of the barbarian brothers, and hold the farts. You can have a barbarian point for that. No, it's oh, and order something for Rafe too.

Oh, of course. The thing is, I absolutely knew the whole time that was for one person. It didn't even occur to me that that was two people's worth of food. Then, holy shit, you walk away, you come back for another line, and you say, just kidding, and then you walk away. Wow. You came back just to assassinate your own joke, which nobody needed. It's an amazing decision. Can I just add something right here?

Sure. Okay, so you know how some truck stops, because truckers are like, basically sometimes they have to live in their cars. So you know how some truck stops have like showers? Yeah. Okay, so I am currently singing the washing my dick song, which the lyrics are only the word lucky and washing my dick. Lucky, lucky, wash my dick. Lucky, lucky, wash my dick. Perfect.

You can get an extra credit barbarian point for that. I'm sure that is the washing my dick song. It's probably on the soundtrack. Vic, you say, I finally get to take my whiz. You've been holding it for 12 hours, I guess. Wow. You almost make it to the bathroom, but something stops you. What is it?

A seven foot tall man. That is a fine take a barbarian point. You're getting the logic of the movie. It's not correct, but spiritually it's correct because it's actually correct. It's actually an attractive woman who grabs you and choke slams you into some restaurant supplies. She punches you in the face, straddles you and bashes your head repeatedly into the wall. What do you do? I pee inside her.

Obviously we are deep in the love making process. No, you scream in confusion, terror and pain. And she says, shut up. You're only going to spoil it. Now you're having sex. I presumably just peeing all over. You're correct. There's no way.

It's not. Okay, Rafe, you're out in the diner with Holly when you meet an old friend from another hit comedy franchise. Who is it? It's Cullen Mockery from Whose Line Is It Anyway. That would be amazing. I just, all I remember about him is Canadian. All my reference points are like syrup and beavers and buttertarts and how Alberta has banned rats. And that's it.

That's it. He's like, we've met like 20 times and all I know is Canadian. Okay, great response. It's actually Michael Winslow, the sound effects guy from Police Academy. So lucky to have Michael Winslow. What's Michael Winslow doing? Oh, fuck yeah. What's he doing?

I think he's a helicopter landing on an entire colony of farting beavers in the key of A minor. And then Jimi Hendrix arrives to play an electric guitar solo. No, he's not doing any sound effects. What? He's not doing any sound effects. Instead, he aggressively does like D minus first day at the improv stand up comedy jokes. Oh my God. This is like when the Star Wars holiday special had B Arthur do no comedy.

Yeah. Yeah, it's a wild, it's multiple wild decisions in a row. Now a child molester comes to hit on Holly and she leaves to check on Vic. I've never commented on in any way. But it is the reality of being a teenage girl at a truck stop in the 90s. And I applaud the artistic honesty. Can confirm. It's a dark moment.

It was unnecessary and really distracting and there's no punchline. But yeah, yeah, that's how it works. Holly is eavesdropping on your, it's not lovemaking. Hatemaking? Hatemaking? Hatemaking. The woman is- You're in soaked hatemaking.

She is still bashing your head into the wall when she hears Holly gasp and she says, Rafe, someone was watching. Vic, what do you say? The more the merrier. Oh, and that screaming is when the rest of my pee comes out. I've now launched her like a geyser and set up a sprinkler system. You can take a barbarian point for that. What you actually say is, I'm not Rafe.

I'm Victor. Womp, womp. Womp, womp. How do you think she responds to that? Oh, just much more sexually aggressive. This is a major turn on for her. No, she just punches you full in the face and knocks you completely unconscious. Jesus.

That's what this moment was. I don't know. Thank you for joining me. We're done with this moment. Holly- Go ahead. Just do a check right here if it's okay to ask questions. Is this woman ever appear in the movie again?

No. No, she does not. God, that's fucking magical. This was a self-contained moment, a little mini story we have taken the time to tell from beginning to apparently end. So good. And she had a sexual relationship with the other brother to the point where she would assault him in a truck stop without checking to see what his current single status is.

Yes. Also, he travels with his twin brother everywhere. Yes. In all times. Yes, they're twin truckers. And never thought to check, do I have the right twin? Yes. It's perfect.

I mean, honestly, honestly points for not doing the identical twin rape joke that every other 80s movie did. Yeah, you get points for that. Instead, I believe she rapes him and certainly assaults him violently. I mean, it sounds like it. Never. I respect the points. I'm being misandrous right now.

Yeah. I'm a bad person. Incorrect. And a bold new direction is how this movie rolls. Holly rejoins Rafe at the table. He sees the remote and she explains in a very technical way what it does. He does not understand, but he does say. Don't eat that paper.

Basically, that's basically what he has to add. Cool. Sorry. End of scene. It's feral cat problems. Yeah, but it applies to Rafe as well. He has some feral cat problems. Rafe, you do have business with Michael Winslow though.

What is it? I need him to repair my windshield wipers solely so he can make that windshield wiper sound. Right. Yeah. No, he doesn't make any sound effects here. Damn it. Your business is that you are giving Holly to him like a gift.

This is a truck stop in the 1990s. Wonderful. Holly leaves with her new owner, Michael Winslow. She is immediately kidnapped. Like almost in the restaurant is she kidnapped. She's not technically finished being kidnapped by Michael Winslow, making this like a nested kidnapping. Which is great.

The tech star goons grab her and they have her in their sedan and they're trying to get away and you guys are going to stop them. How are you going to stop them? Okay. The remote control is the obvious answer, but I sure would like to throw some more toxic waste. Yep. Yep.

Yep. And chickens. Like, or just put one chicken in front of the, in front of the truck and then a la Zelda. If you hit one chicken and up times, a bunch of them flock at you. I bet if you punched Michael Winslow in the spine, he would make a sound like a police siren. And so we could get them to pull over thinking the cops are chasing him.

Ooh. Good idea. Yeah. There was a spice girls cassette tape that I made my mom play before school because she'd pull over. Was there a siren or just for that? Yeah, there was a siren in one of the songs. Michael Winslow can do four of the five spice girls flawlessly.

So as long as we could just avoid ginger, like we can make this work. All right. Fantastic. You get barbarian points for that. No, it's, it's time to get your lift on. You know it. You know it was coming. Yeah.

We're going to be all together as all brothers must do. Rafe, you hold the sedans tires off the ground after you have it lifted together. Well, Vic rips the doors off and starts hurling goons across the entire parking lot. But remember, these are think tank goons and the plot of this movie is the same as almost every eighties movie. You're just spreading the poop sand. That is the, that's the plot. They're covered in poop sand.

You've spread the think tank goons across the parking lot like so much poop sand. No, the plot of this is the same as every 80s movies. Somebody is making super weapons and putting them on the streets. The think tank goons. So this time the think tank goons have gone back to their think tank and they have brought dangerous new weapons. What are they? God, one of them is a sonic bow disruptor.

Mm hmm. I hope one of them is just sort of like a Rocky Four robot that just kind of wheels around with claw hands. One of them is absolutely Robosaurus, full size Robosaurus. Fantastic. Yeah. One of them is just this cat with poison tipped whiskers, but mostly just this fucking cat.

This fucking goddamn cat. No, they are a chain and a board. Now remind now a reminder. They didn't pick these up in the truck stop parking lot. They brought them out of the car. They went back to the think tank and got a chain and a board. They are brand new. I have never been used spotless board.

So yeah, this was their plan. Irving the monster henchman steps out of the sedan. He stands to his full height and runs the fuck away to go get the girl. Well, while only the weenies are left to fight you, Vic, how do you destroy your weenies? I still haven't had my Giganto whiz. I feel like I want to grab his head and put it at crotch level and just play his face flesh away like a fire hose.

Just power wash this man down to a human skull. How can you not get a barbarian point for that? You just bashed some heads. It's pretty basic. Rafe, how do you take care of your weenies? I oven roast them and no, no, no, I grilled them. That's the proper way. I grill them until they're like they've got some nice, nice dark lines

and they're nice and plump and I and then I shout, this is not funny. There's nothing funny about weenies and then I eat them. A fine answer. But no, that it was a trick question. You don't take care of these weenies. You we cut to you and you're being strangled by three different men at the same time. Oh, I'm sorry.

You got the brother that can't fight. Yep. Vic, you chase down and face off against Irving chief henchman. Play the guy that plays Jaws. You grab a sweet breaker bar and do some flashing moves. He grabs his own giant metal bar. You square off and dual. He swings from above and you move to block it.

What's what's your next move? Golf swing into the crotch. Pretty good. No, there's a loud cling and you both drop your bars shaking your hands and you say, let's not do that again. And he says, no, that hurts. Oh, that's like a nice gentleman's fight.

Yeah. So now it's a wrestling match. He pins you down and tries to drill you in the face. Holly shuts the drill off with her remote, but also lowers an entire truck onto the pair of you in doing it. This remote will never do one minor thing without doing one major thing. Herotically wrong.

That's that's how this works. Irving also pulls out a knife even though the drill still had a pointy bit. So yeah, that still would have hurt, but this looks like it for you. Vic, how are you going to get out of this one? I'm going to lift. I'm going to lift him and the truck.

Damn, you get a barbarian point for a lift. You've discovered the cheat code. No, it's that he leans back a little too fast and knocks himself out on the truck. You do nothing. He's now he's now in a position. I do know from the barbarians movie that not doing something when certain death is about to happen.

It's kind of a barbarian move. Uh-huh. Yes, you do. So now that he's knocked himself out and he's in a position to be slowly crushed by that truck, he begs for your help. Well, unable to move. What do you do?

I change into a new outfit so that he can watch me die very fancy. Yeah. Yeah, basically you leave him to be slowly crushed by the truck and and yeah, that's it back back to race. Back to raff you've escaped your manaja strangle. What is your next move? Uh, I take the bedazzled sequence off of my many bandanas

and I stick them on my tongue and then I try to lick them to death or cat themed savagery. Yeah, you can take a barbarian point. I can't imagine where I'm getting this. No, you are being viciously beaten with both a board and a chain. Perfect. Just always getting fucked up.

Is I hope you're getting it. It's coming across loud and clear. Holly is trying to never get I'm never. No, no, I refuse. I refuse to relent. I refuse to let myself get beaten up. I don't care what your cannon is. You know what?

Take a barbarian point for that. That's that's exactly the right attitude. Great attitude. Holly is trying to sabotage their cars with the magic remote. It's not going well. Vic, you're here to assist her. How do you do that? I grab it from her very rudely and just start hitting

buttons and I cause just fucking chaos. Like planes are falling out of the sky and cars are swarming off the road. No, but I like that instinct. Instead, you savagely rip the engines apart with your bare hands. Jesus. Yeah.

Okay, that works too. So that's the dichotomy. That's what Rafe does and that's what Vic does. Holly runs into Sweeney the repo man and oh no, she just kicks him the balls and he immediately falls away and it's really it's a split second of screen time and it's crazy. They included it.

So that's it. It's he's gone. You you guys hop in the truck with Holly. The goons for David charity now quite but may as well be you guys hop in the truck with Holly, but the goons pull out shotguns which they have had all along. What do you guys do? This this I know for sure when a barbarian brother has a

gun pulled on them, they sit still and wait to die. Pretty close. You can take a point for I'm going to add that I again stick my thumbs sensually into the gun hole as though it's where I mouth, but also I wait to die. Okay, you both can take a point because that is the barbarian brothers move, but in this case you basically wait to die while they approach with shotguns because you

have to sing the lucky song. Every time you start your truck, you pull out your rabbit hat and your maracas a bone. You're both just suffering from a case of I recall that was an Indian rain dance followed by several wrong words and Cantonese. Is that how you saying that? Okay, basically, sure.

You're just it's apparent now that you're suffering from some sort of huge OCD, which is just. It's just OCD, but for huge guys, but you did it. You can start the truck. You drive away. You don't get far though. Something's wrong with the truck. So you pull into a motel to fix it and get some sleep.

Now Vic, you're out back parking the truck while Rafe, you're heading in with Holly who jumps in the shower and there's a knock on the door. Someone has followed you. Who is it? It's that skunk that I throw on that cop and it had a family and it wants me to know that it had a family. It would be a perfect time for that cat to scream right now.

Babies, but it'll never do it. No, no, no, no, no, never one. I think it's it's an angry police officer, then a drill sergeant, then TV's Johnny Carson and then it's revealed that this was Michael Winslow at the door the whole time. Also spiritually close. No, it's Claudia Christian, the child psychologist. She has something for you.

What is it? Rafe, Hanna. Oh, oh, oh, a touring test. No, it's a gun. She brought a gun. She hog ties you and says you're not touching that girl. Just now you realize, wait, that's this does look really bad. This does look super bad.

So what do you say to calm her down? No, I'm not, but I am a computer. In response to the lunch you did yet. No, you say guess what? She says what you say that's what and then you giggle like a little child for a long time. And then you break your bonds like a giant and giggle some more and you say something to her after breaking those bonds.

What's that line? Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Pretty good line. That's actually spiritually very close to what he says, which is your hands are nice and soft.

Wow. Yep. Amazing. She knocks you unconscious with a pistol whip. What does she do after that? She interrupts Holly in the shower, grabbing her out of the shower, fully naked, like an actual sex criminal. And then she says, she heads her towel and says, slept that

shit on, we're going to Vegas. What a great barbarian response. Take a point for that. What she actually does is pauses to grope the unconscious rave for just a second, just for fun. She's tad to see. This is part of your theme, women assaulting you. Vic, you come in at this, the worst possible moment.

What do you do? You seeing your brother being molested? She's got a gun. Uh, I just assumed this is how he makes love. So I say, oh, excuse me. I didn't know you had company and I leave pretty close, but you should have gotten the hint. She has a gun.

So you just shrug and you did say not nothing. You do nothing. Rafe, you are best friends with CTE. You were only unconscious for a split second and found it rather comforting like a blanket for your head. You take the gun away from Claudia Christian. There's a jump cut and now you're all best friends somehow. What are you doing?

Uh, riding a roller coaster with sailor hats and licking big lollies. Basically. Yeah, get it. Get a, you both take a barbarian point for that. You're having a pizza party. We cut right from molestation and head bashing and gun to pizza party, but there's soccer game.

Yeah. But there's only one pizza left and two huge brothers. What do you guys do? I mean, we have to battle for it. You can't, there's no way to split a pizza between two people. I don't know. I feel like we are big enough that we could shout down and meet in the middle lady in the tramp style.

Oh, that's true. It's time for a barbarian kiss. I like that plan a lot. No, you're at the first time. It's a brother fight. Every barbarian brothers movie has a point where they stop and they just brawl. In this case, they just start strangling each other to the

horror of the girls. Uh, Vic, you bash rave over the head with the high tech prototype remote over and over, even as Holly screams for you not to and tells you to relax and you say, ah, it's just the hotel TV remote. As though that was the problem. Uh, right now. The hotel TV remote and this dangerous prototype technology

look exactly the same. I wonder if this pays off later. Oh, there's no way it could. There's no way. Anyway, you demonstrate that it's it's just the motel remote and you black out a city block because you were incorrect because you're always incorrect. You guys leave the girls the motel room and you leave to sleep

in the back of your truck because you're huge, but you're gentlemen, big old gentlemen. Claudia Christian stops you in the doorway because she really wants to nail you rave. I'm not sure if you got that by the unconscious groping. She apologizes very sexually for bashing you in the head and you say, uh, may I take your towel, madam? And then I keep handing her towels.

Perfect. Of course, you get a point for that. You that's what the C CTE should command you to do, but instead you say, hey, don't worry about it. I don't got a lot of brains, but they're tough. It's a wonderful thing to say. It's really good. So anyway, if it's not clear, I'm just going to give this to

you. Vic is the fighter with his supernatural strength and rage. Rafe is the banger with his supernatural strength and rage. Both are just very skilled at what they do. The next day, Sweeney finally steals your truck. It's finally happened. Rafe, where are you and what are you doing while this tragedy happens?

I am underneath the truck trying to change the oil. The problem is I don't know what the oil is. So I've just, I've just like emptied a bunch of freon into my mouth. Fantastic. It will really help with that concussion. No, you're still in the doorway of the motel room just banging Claudia Christian with words.

Somehow it's the next day and you're still doing that. Vic, where are you and what are you doing while this tragedy occurs? I'm sleeping in the back of the truck with a thumb in my mouth and a baby bonnet. I'm, my blanket is a sash covered in 700 merit badges, all of them for sex stuff. Fantastic.

Except for that's Rafe. Years would be for dismantling men. Rafe's blanket. Perfect. That's a perfect answer and it's very close to accurate. Get a barbarian point. You are in the back of the truck, the very back. You're eating a banana on top of the toxic waste.

That's how they made Donkey Kong. All right, Rafe and the girls pursue Sweeney in a Claudia's car now. So they're in a sedan behind you. Sweeney nearly runs a guy's off the road. Rafe, you have an idea and it's to jump out on the hood of the car and car surf it. Hell yeah.

Vic. You also have an idea. I'm going to dip this banana in the radioactive waste. That is correct. You roll around. You roll around on the ground while toxic waste barrels bash you in the head and you do finish your banana. Take a point for that.

That's absolutely correct. Amazing. Rafe, you leap aboard your truck and you pop your head in the window for a one-liner. What do you say? That's all folks. I can't do parking. Fuck.

That's so close. Get a point for that. You say, honey, I'm home. It makes no fucking sense. Really, it's close. It's really close. It's exactly what a guy with a concussion would holler thinking he was being clever.

Sweeney pulls out a huge hand cannon and puts it in your mouth and says, consider yourself evicted. It's the holy shit moment. So what do you do? Uh, I say, um, tenets rights and then I take the cannon and stick it up my butt and then I say, I like it like that. This is for me. Now what you actually do is you slowly grab the gun from

him like in slow motion and he lets you have it and then you throw it over your shoulder like it's dangerous while Sweeney lets you in nods. I guess it's in like an inside joke that you guys share but the audience doesn't because it's crazy moment for him to just be like, yeah, that was the wrong move. I'm sorry. Huh.

Huh. That's very strange. That's a very strange moment. Uh, he pulls over and lets you take your truck back. Huh. Uh, then, then he repossesses Claudia's car instead. Only she doesn't owe any payments. I don't think he actually works for anybody.

He might just be using the wrong word for stealing like he learned the wrong word early. Huh. Oh, God, this is so weird. A series of strange Claudia somehow like hypnotize them with their therapist powers. Maybe she never engaged with him in any way. Uh, just, just rave like rave in him.

Have it's implied. I guess they have some sort of relationship. I that's just me assuming some sort of explanation for this moment when really there can be no possible. I feel like that means I should get a point for the, for the Canon, but. Hell yeah. That's basically that's basically accurate.

Sure. It's no different from what happened in the movie. No different at all. All right. So he takes the car and takes off. Rafe, you're driving again. Uh, you and Claudia are talking about the power of Holly's on off remote invention and how she shouldn't like sell out

her dreams for money. Uh, Rafe, you got something inspirational to say about this. What is it? Babies are like a football. They can attract people, but not necessarily the right people. That's very beautiful. Take a point for that. Uh, what you actually say is always be true to thine own heart

and mountains shall fall and seas shall part. Claudia says that's beautiful. Where's it from? Rafe says Schwarzenegger Conan the Barbarian. Is it? It is not. It is not. That is not from the film Conan the Barbarian.

Not even close. Doesn't even sound like it. It's what a wild move. But again, this was 1990. What are you, what were you going to do? Check and watch. Yeah, you probably work on what you could have. Yeah, there's no way these guys didn't have multiple copies

of Conan the Barbarian of DHS. This is post the Barbarian. So they starred in their Conan the Barbarian rip off already. It's crazy that they would try it. Uh, the tech star think tank goons have caught up to the truck and you spot them. Rafe, what do you do? What's your move?

Uh, I throw barrels of toxic waste at them. A lot of Donkey Kong forgetting that I have a delivery and then the countdown clock beeps and I scream and shriek and and think of the guy with the condom on his nose that I have failed. No, no, that's appropriate madness for the amount of concussions you've taken. But what you do instead is you make out with Claudia Christian

a little bit. Okay. Yeah, because that's that's what you do. You're a lover. The goons wave to you happily and then try to run you off the road. Another crazy moment. They lean out to blow your front tires out with shotguns.

You hit the brakes so they shoot each other that classic bit and only then do you all simultaneously notice you are speeding towards a train crossing. Here's a reminder. You are driving a truck full of toxic waste. Do you try to race that train? I mean, there's no question. Hell, yes, you race that train.

Hell, hell, no, you don't make it. Your truck sells on the tracks. Vic, what do you do? I know from the Barbarian Brothers movie I've seen and the other games we've played that when certain death is coming, the Barbarians don't do anything and hope it works out for the best. So I don't even say anything cute.

I have roller skates in my hand, a Lacey Unitard, a Lacey beret, and a leather beret multiple. You get a point for the multi berets and you don't do anything useful. So yeah, you can have that point. You weren't there. Okay. What you do is you start singing the Lucky Chicken Bone song.

Of course. Okay. I probably should have got that. Yeah. The goons are approaching the shotguns drawn. Rafe, what do you do? I take out a cigarette and. The smoke from the train and the toxic waste lights that

cigarette and I say goodbye, baby. And then I jump off a cliff. Very noir of you, far too smart for Rafe to do. He joins in on the Lucky Chicken Bone song. What does Claudia Christian do? Oh, hell yeah, she joins in. Hell yeah, she joins in on the Lucky Chicken Bone song. You made it to California.

You drop Holly off to her boyfriend, uncle. I don't know. It hardly matters. Like you basically just been trying to get her to any man who was willing to take her and you found one. Your ticking clock is broken. You thought you had hours, but you only have 30 minutes to make that 30 minute drive.

You got to roll out. So you don't. Yeah, that sounds right. I would say maybe grab the barrels and run because you think that's going to go faster. No, it's chicken bone. It's chicken bone every time you do the chicken bone song. Claudia Christian now has a little outfit to go along

with it. She's fully on board. She has become a barbarian brother and believes fully in this trucker idiot bone religion thing. Yeah, she's lost her mind. You you however, I would take the remote to change all the stoplights in your favor, which is again, not something the movie ever said this can do.

So what happens? How does it work? You know, this is the whole structure of these barbarian movies to me feels like those like racist movies where like a black character was like very black like a white person's idea of what black people were, which is like really outlandish fashion and silly behavior. And then by the end of the movie, everyone, all the white

people have joined in with that behavior and like, you know, like the old ladies like, I'm going to hit the chronic my chisel, you know, that kind of thing. I feel like that's the structure of these barbarian brothers movies. It is they turn everybody around them into barbarians by the end. You're right.

They did it to the kids. They did it to the the acrobat troop. Not sure who they did it to in double trouble, but I bet they did it to somebody each other. And they're and they themselves represent a very strange like outlier culture, not understood by the people writing the film or or anybody except anyone really, but they are contagious.

They are mentally contagious. Correct. It is some some sort of disease. No, the correct answer is not that you use your mental disease to turn everybody into barbarian brother, although kind of is, you know what? You can have a point for that theory. The correct answer is that the remote does not work because

it was not designed to do that. So Claudia Christian, she is quietly chicken boning to herself the entire time, even though that's not appropriate to the situation and she's the only one doing it. Her mind is completely broken. Yeah, the whole team has to chicken. You actually figured out how to work the remote. What was the trick?

Oh, I had the hotel TV remote. I was just using the wrong one. I'm taking another point away from you. Stop dammit. Stop doing that. The trick was pressing the buttons harder with your muscles. I mean, fucking against all odds. You guys are on track to make this delivery when you over

here on the radio that brook near the think tank leader. He knows he knows where Holly is and he's going to go get her. Rafe, you're driving. You got a choice. Make the delivery or save Holly. I try to do both. Interesting. So I had I rave even though this is currently the 90s had a

stretch arm strong toy as a kid and figured that's how bodies work. So I try to stretch my arm through the window to grab Holly and I just it just breaks off on a stop sign and I keep driving. Yeah, you can get a point for a plan that doesn't work unexpectedly. That's the vibe of the movie.

No, you just turn around completely abandoning the entire plot of the movie. You would think there would be some sort of dual. We're going to try to do both thing now. You return to the house and you find brook near has radically escalated his villainy from being think tank weenie. He now has a knife and he's threatening to slit both of the teenager's throats to the point that he's drawing.

He's drawing blood. It's a nuts escalation for the tone of this movie. You guys barge in you offer to exchange the remote for Holly by saying. Good sir, we offer you a trade. Please do not harm those children. We have a scientific artifact here that does things well beyond your expectations.

Almost magical things. Please. You're you've taken this too far. They're only children. I did. I did take a point. I dare you. I can't I can't take a point for that.

In fact, I'll give you a point because it's spiritually close. What you say is do it or I'll crush the damn thing or don't you think I'm strong enough? Another another hostage standoff. Yeah, and you challenge you immediately challenge his strength even though nobody questioned it. You put that out there. Vic you go to support this statement.

How do you how do you support it? Let's see. I'm supporting the statement that he will crush the remote control. Yes. Um, I say he can do it. That's his masturbation hands pretty close. You can get another point for that.

You very quietly say he lifts weights. He lifts he lifts weights. He lifts weights. It's it's a weird not bunch of line, but it made me laugh really hard when it happened. Now the evil know this about us. We we we lift weights. You introduce the idea that you're strong as a problem to him

and he's like, Yeah, he's like a small plastic thing. You're huge. Of course. And then you back it up really weakly. The evil executives that we've all forgotten about have shown up and this is another set of villains for you. Holly makes a tearful speech about staying genuine and throws the device at the truck shattering it.

The evil executives turn on Brookner abducting him with the wacky implication that they're going to murder him horribly. Sweeney creeps in gets really erotic and steals your truck again, just as the ticking clock ticks over to zero. It's it's all over in the back, a barrel of toxic waste tips over and burst open. It's the worst possible ending, but Holly delivers another

stirring speech about believing in yourself. It's not appropriate, but she ends it by saying she loves you two huge dopes. Vic, you have a secret to reveal. What is it? Oh, that's you. Yeah, that's me for getting which brother I am. Yeah, my secret is I'm the wrong brother.

I think you were onto something there, Hannah. My secret is that I was rave this entire final act. That would be amazing. You keep expecting the switch room. No, it's different kind of switch room, but you did predict the switch room. I'll give you a point for the switch room. You swap the devices out.

This is the remote from the motel. You still have the prototype. Ray felt that it was just like so obvious that she didn't throw the real remote that I didn't want to lose a point by saying you're right. It was a trap and there was no correct way for you to answer other than what you did. So Ray betrayed you a betrayal point.

You get one betrayal point. You do. You get a betrayal point. I hope you get a betrayal point. I hope it keeps you warm and now. Rafe, what do you do to this realization? I go, uh, so what's playing at the hotel then and we flash back to the hotel and it's just just the apocalypse.

Just dinosaurs and like angels, but like biblical angels with all the eyeballs and like just everyone's dying. That's weirdly close. You get a point for that. Uh, what you do is you make the fuck out with Claudia Christian like wordlessly Holly makes out with her boyfriend. Vic. Vic doesn't have anybody to make out with.

So he says a truck. Yeah, he does have the truck. He says, I hate this mushy part and uses the remote to turn off the movie. Now is that the end? Your tone seems to suggest it's not. But how could it not be the end? Well, the remote always does something terribly wrong in

addition to that. We do sort of have that thread open where there's like a truck full of radioactive waste, like just in a pretty populated zone from what I am picturing. And you expect to solve that thread in this movie, resolve it, maybe not solve, but resolve it. So like maybe we do a post credit and we're like, there's toxic mutants running around.

Huh, I will give you a point for that because on some level you're going to be correct. Okay. Uh, impossibly that is not the end of the movie. Uh, we revisit the truck stop diner scene where we come back to destroy a joke. Uh, Rafe comes back with another line and says, don't be an idiot show the rest of the movie.

And so Vic turns it back on very awkwardly and we revisit the movie. We're back in the movie now. Okay. Okay. Uh, we're with Sweeney who is cruising along when the toxic waste in the back that has been leaking now shoots green lightning into the air.

Holy shit. It's the nineties. We know what this means. What happens to Sweeney? Acid rain. Oh, he's a mutagen monster. He's a, he's a Robocop toxic Avenger guy. Uh-huh.

Yep. Uh, no, is there a, is there like a turtle in the cabin? He confused mutagenically with a turtle. Now we've been trained to expect this, but no, what he does is he reaches into his mouth car turbo, turbo adult, turbo repo man. No, he reaches into his mouth and pulls out a tooth. He looks at it in terror.

He itches the back of his head and pulls out some hair. He screeches in horror and agony as he realizes he has fatal radiation poisoning. Holy shit. That's it for Sweeney. What are you, what are you guys doing in the epilogue? Let's see. I'm wearing a tiny jaunty cowboy hat and the rest just toothpaste

froth. Hannah, where do you wear it? I am wearing a single, the single feather on each of my balls, just one on each and throwback to the last podcast I got to do with you guys. Um, just Jackie Chan tassels on my nips. Just Jackie Chan's face covering just the nips. That's just a deeply erotic ending for both barbarian

brothers. You get a point. That's how it should be. No, you're back in your original outfits, but you have bought a new truck with Holly's money who started her own business selling these world ending remotes you couldn't give to the evil guys straight to the consumer market, uh, surely sowing anarchy throughout the world.

Uh, okay. Beautiful. That's that's how it ends is that you've destroyed the world and Sweeney gets fatal radiation poisoning and dies in agony. Oh, and, uh, your new handle is double trouble. That will be the name of your next movie. This establishes the barbarian brothers cinematic universe. Oh, and a stunder.

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