The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - Dogg Zzone 9000 - Episode 90, Battle Dome With Mark Mahoney

Episode Date: September 7, 2022

Seanbaby and Brockway ask Mark Mahoney to share his most cursed, certainly most illegal item: A rip of a rip of a DVD stolen from a library with Battle Dome: Season 1 on it. The 2000s reality show where American Gladiators met Professional Wrestling, and broke its legs!

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Dot com. The last comedy website. Go to Patreon.com slash one nine hundred hot dog. To learn more about how you can turn ten cents a day into jokes and help rescue you online hilarity. I'm the Internet Sean Baby from the World Wide Web and I'm joined as always by the number one Robert according to Bobby Reports Magazine, Robert Brockway. That was rigged. I rigged that one. I gotta admit to that now. Here's a Brockway fact. I was once escorted out of a zoo for getting bullied too badly by the monkeys. No follow-up question.

God damn it. It's too painful to relive. Well, joining us for this very 2000s era episode is an old friend of mine from way back in web 1.0, the creator of badcandy.com. Bad Candy Mark Mahoney. It's me. Nobody remembers who I am. That's absolutely not true. I just did an article about your wife's puzzles, which you know, because it came out on your wedding day and that was my present for you. That's true. You actually wrote that she was my wife in the article, so it was almost prophetic. Yeah, that's true. Well, you hadn't even met when he wrote that. Yeah. That's the weird thing. We met and got married that day. I discovered someone had been keeping puzzles in my house. I just found the puzzle collection is like, this is the woman you were destined to marry.

It's going to sound like I'm a bad friend, but I honestly thought you were husband and wife already, because you and I both had weddings planned during the pandemic and then delayed them and delayed them and delayed them. I thought he had to have lost it in by now, right? There was times where I thought maybe we had to and I'd just forgotten. I mean, it was like two and a half years of just like endlessly. We were going to try again this year with a big reception ceremony thing, and I was talking to my dad on the phone in March and I realized he had just completely forgotten that we were going to do this in May because he was telling me about all these other May plans he had. I'm like, you know what? Fucking never mind. Let's just go to the courthouse.

And so that's what we did last week. Yeah, that's what we did too. We rented out a summer camp, I guess both you guys know, but just outside San Francisco, we rented this gigantic summer camp. We had all these like fun games planned. We were going to, you know, have an Olympiad, and then the pandemic happened and man, that's to go from- I still want to do that. Yeah, I'm just looking just to do it. I know it's like it's your wedding and I'm really sorry that happened to you when you guys were denied like this very special time in your lives because of just extreme, unbelievable, consistent idiocy over a period of years. But I think about that and I'm like, man, I would have had so much fun at that. God, it would have been great.

Sometimes I just think about it like, damn it. Yeah, yeah. It was just my playtime is what that was. So yes, I was doing an article about your wife's puzzles and someone in the comments was saying, you know, in my head, the mark that he mentions is that candy mark from Web 1.0. So people remember, people on there have long memories. Fuckin' serious? Internet detectives. That's crazy, actually. There has been like maybe once every five years, including my last job my boss found out that I was the guy who wrote that, you know, several decades ago. And he was, you know, weirdly impressed in a way that made me super embarrassed. But it doesn't come up often. That's one of the best possible impressions because there are others.

Yeah, yeah. It could be worse. I definitely don't encourage anyone who doesn't know what it is to go look any of it up. The site no longer exists. There is some sort of a foreign candy-based thing. Like if you go to the old URL. Yeah, somebody got the new URL, scraped all the content off archive.org. But if you notice, they've been inserting mentions of CBD oil and links out to where to purchase CBD oil, which seems like a really long con. But yeah, so the content is there as well with some bonus. I guess the reasoning is it does make the candy bad? Yeah. No one likes to taste a weed. You don't eat those weed gummy bears because they're delicious.

Yeah, no. And they do kind of artfully slip the mentions in in a way that's like, well, you did engage with the material that you stole where you've got to respect the hustle a little bit. As listeners know, my dream show is Running Man. I want to one day turn on TV and see death row prisoners being executed by duly appointed superheroes of the state. That's my dream. And sometimes here on the podcast, we document where and when we were at wrong during human history that derailed us from that perfect television program. And so this is what we're talking about today is one where they're definitely on the right track. They just fucked it all up. So we're talking about Battle Dome, which was on the air from 1999 to 2001. They did 30 episodes

of this. They were going for a pro wrestling American Gladiators, but they kind of just made like cranky America glory yards. Like it's just obvious knockoff. Everyone's so fucking pissed off all the time. It's it's very lazy. Like it's like bad dash candy today. They take it all the history out of it. And they just added the mean spirited capitalism to it. Yeah. And it's like the little CBD oil into the mix sprinkle. It's really kind of actually mellows things out. It's peak attitude era. Yes. Of the peak attitude era. And like it's like they were watching the like I'm not a big wrestling guy, but like I know, you know, you are. And I followed a little bit of it through that time. And it's like they took

all the wrong lessons about what was happening in. Yes, it was a weird era because it was hard for them to get a handle on who the good guys and bad guys would be. Like someone would come out and they would just declare themselves king psychopath and the audience would be like, yes, that's the good guy. We like him now. He's a king. King is good. But that was like a personality trait you could have in 1999 was just I am I hate everything and everybody. And I only care about myself. And they're like, this guy's interesting. Yeah. It was it was sort of like like I've often described the early 2000s as the worst part of the 90s. Yeah. And the 90s really were very like self involved, kind of hostile to anyone who wasn't a white guy period of time.

You know what I mean? Yeah, I absolutely agree. And Battle Dome is a shining example of that. It's definitely of that era. Yeah, it's a deep reflection of the era it was in. But you're right. It's overly aggressive. And we started to talk about this before we started recording and stopped ourselves. But it's so like hostile to its own contestants that it sort of like forgets they even exist. Right. They're so secondary. You barely hear their names. Yeah, they're just like, here's a guy. The announcers sort of talk about him for two or three sentences. But like on a normal show, like American Gladiators or basically any reality show, you kind of get a little bio of the guy, right? Like they're like, I'm a firefighter from Ohio.

And, you know, which they added in the second season. But yeah, there was one of the episodes we watched had a few of those. But even so, I still wrote down every time just their color. They're just green or red. That is exactly what I did in my notes, too. I was like, I also dehumanize them. Yeah, they are there to be abused. And yeah, at least in some cases, completely destroyed. I don't know if you've noticed. So I wound up tracking down the first season on DVD because you can't watch it on streaming. And I wound up getting a copy from the Austin Central Library somehow. Right. And I'm about halfway through it. And I think in every single episode, the contestants are at least half a foot shorter than all of the Warriors on the show.

And they're at least 50 pounds. They weigh at least 50 pounds less. They have no chance. No, never. And almost every contest is football related or wrestling related, like something where size is 100% the most important trait. And one of the Warriors is Terry Cruz. The name is a linebacker. An NFL trained just beast of a man, 270 pounds of like, steely muscle. I've been hanging back a little bit to kind of get the temperature before trying this out. But here goes. Okay, this fucking kicked ass. Like this is what you wanted from your American gladiators. This was like my crankiness. I don't have any idea why I'd never heard of the show, but I had the best time watching both of

these episodes. It's the worst idea. And they just went for it. And like, nobody, nobody involved at any point did anything related to safety. Like they have helmets and they don't have straps. So the second every single contest starts. So the first thing that happens is 500 pounds of meat run into each other and helmets go flying everywhere. And then they just bash each other's skulls into the ground. It's fucking incredible. Like you were saying, they almost got running man and then just like ruined everything. I think that this was just running man. Like I think this is just, I mean, it's running man that happens in the 2000s when we were all shitty and attitude era, of course. But what this was it, if you gave this two more

seasons, somebody would have died and then everybody would have looked around for like the reaction. Like, is it, is anybody going to gasp? Should we have gone? Are they what they did? Oh, shit, they loved it. We're doing this. We're doing this. There is an event that was not in the two episodes we watched. It's called anti gravity. And it's just like a bunch of fence handles like nailed to a board. And then they take some bungee cords and they stick them on the back of the guys and they pull them into the ceiling. So you have to hold yourself down on these fence handles. And I looked at that and I instantly was doing the math. I'm like, if you played on that with three friends for 10 minutes, one of them loses a finger or a foot. Like it's just impossibly

dangerous. And sure enough, the second time we watched it, the gladiator got their shoulder dislocated. Like it's, it's just crazy. They are specifically designed for injury. This is absolutely like if you had, I am convinced that every single competitor in here, even though they told little sob stories about them, they were all criminals that did something to deserve this. Like that's the only way to watch the show is to at least fiction. Yeah, I believe that these people deserved how they got creamed. I the way I was introduced to the concept of the show is somebody just posted a clip of a Twitch stream of them watching the show on Twitter. And it was the battle hoop was the competition one, which is like a big metal spinning crane arm. Yeah,

that's going around and the warriors job is to prevent the competitor from jumping through the hoop and spinning pretty fast. But I didn't see any of that in this clip. All I saw was the giant warrior walk up behind the competitor who had turned his back to him. And just for no reason, hit him right in the back of his helmeted head, but hit him right in the back of the head. He goes flying face forward. And I don't know what point this was in season two, but it was before the one we watched because the thing had a lot less padding on it in this clip. And he just hits his face directly on the casing of the motor that drives the thing around. Oh my God. And then the clip ends. And I'm like,

that man is maybe dead. Yeah, that's the moment where they all look around to the audience and they're like, okay, do we cheer or do we run when we're ready for both? We have contingency plans for both. More than anything is what defines battle dome is that there's no agreement on the aggressiveness level. And at any moment, this gigantic man might decide this is a fight to the death. And this fucking postman from Cincinnati is like, hey, I'm going to get out there and do my best. I'm going to run hard. And then he just gets bashed in the head in a contest. He had no idea it was a fight to the death. And yeah, because that's a valid strategy. There's no like fouls or anything. It's a valid strategy to ignore the game completely and just kill the other man.

Well, really, in the first season, tell you what the rules of any of the games are. You just kind of have to like figure it out. And you're almost surprised when someone scores points. You're like, oh, that's what they were trying to do. Yes. I feel like we're going to get off track in a million directions. So I think I want to take us through episode 104 season one episode four, and then we'll sort of talk about it with that structure. Otherwise, I feel like we're just going to get lost in the end. Was that the one we downloaded, the one we found? That's the one Mark ripped from the library DVD, which was also ripped. Mark and I watched like four or five of those in one night. And then we looked at the DVD and we're like, this is some

homemade DVD. The library did not get this from it. Yeah, I don't feel like Sony would manufacture. It was a weird, the menus were weird as very bare bones. I don't know what I have. Somebody taped that off TV. The library ended up with it. They sold it to some guy. They sold it to Mark for 80 bucks. He spent 80 bucks on it. It was like 50 bucks. None of them were cheap, like people knew what they had on their hands. Yeah, this is illegal now. So it's illegal to own this. You've got to factor that into the price. I read on Wikipedia that you can find it on Amazon Prime, but I don't. I'm not sure that's true. You can find season two, I believe for like, you can purchase the episodes for like three bucks a piece or like buy the whole season for

so much. So you can get season two, two bucks an episode, but season one, it's not available. So that one must be because so many people got maimed, which is, which it is. I'm glad I got season one because as we'll get to, they really did actually make a couple of the contests safer in season two. Yeah, that's true. Like, they were laughably safer, but so they open it up and it's, you know, in a big stadium with just these gigantic American gladiators style events everywhere. I think they have four or five each time they film something. So most of the studio is taken up with that. The crowd is really thin. I think what's notable about the crowd is they obviously have no fucking idea what's going on. Well, it's sparse. They're all

holding up sparse. Yeah. So it's just a few rows of idle locals from the LA Staples center area. Is that where they must film it there, right? It's gone now is the memorial Coliseum Memorial Sports Arena. That's what it was. Memorial to all of the people that died filming and so they all have signs for these different gladiators, despite, of course, not knowing who they are. There's never been on TV. Like, how are you going to have an opinion about these guys? So everything out. Hold it up for the first time. King psychopath. Okay, I love him. I'm their biggest fan. I don't care. I got nothing to do during the day. Just anyway, so they announced that the winner of this just grueling barbaric thing gets a championship

ring and tonight's title. So there's not even a cash prize in season one. You get like a fucking high school class ring. It's true. I think they said in the second season. No, that was the second one. You're right. That was the second one where they said they had a cash prize and I'm going to jump ahead and say that cash prize was a lie. Yeah, it didn't happen. No, no, it absolutely. In one of the like little mid role ad break things, they say that that you get a chopper, a custom chopper from Jesse James as part of your $100,000 prize packet and put that. I thought that was those shitty bikes that are like $3,000 of old broken parts put together by just Jesse James and crew are worth nothing, but they charge like $80,000. So it's this

prize package is that chopper plus like a lifetime supply of pizza rolls or something. It's just I bet eight grand of it is an exposure. They're like, well, we did put you on TV. That's worth something. Yeah, every there's an event charge for every single event. So you know, clean the blood off of like I cleaned your blood, sir. This is the $4,000. So they win nothing and they're being cheered on by people who I mean, if they're holding up a sign handed to them for a person they don't know, I mean, that implies their lives are nothing but emptiness. Up until this point, they've just been waiting for someone to anyone to hand them a sign and tell them who to cheer for. So this is a lot of sadness for the barbaric murder. The announcers are named Steve Albert,

who's the most generic image of a sportscaster you could imagine. And Scott Ferrell, who is, I think it's Stephen Colbert doing a bit. It's like if there was a Strangers with Candy episode where Chuck Noblet got kicked in the head by a horse and woke up thinking he was a drive time DJ. This would be the first rehearsal. He is just he's in like a hot topic like nerd club shirt, like one of those silk Wolverine shirts. And I think he was dressed like a couch from the show, Martin. It's pretty good. I looked him up. Apparently he was like associated with Howard Stern for a little while. Okay, he was doing stuff with Howard. I guess I guess he had like a real actual radio career kind of he despite that voisee. Yes, he seems like he has that energy,

but not the talent. Like, yeah, I do want to I have a clip of him when Terry Cruz comes out. Terry Cruz is he's playing like a rich guy, which team money, he team money. And I think that's strange because he's he's got the same job as the non wealthy people. And they never like give his back story, whether he like came into an inheritance or like so he's just a bad guy because he likes money. Right. I guess he just so anyway, here is I hope this is that I actually typed out a transcript of some of the stuff he said about Terry Cruz there. So I hope it's that you absolutely classes, belts, pants. I mean, he's got it all. He's got people doing all of his dirty laundry. I mean, the passé does everything for me. Do they wash him off, do they scrub him down?

Do they, you know, dress, undress him? I mean, what is it with this guy? I can't even imagine what I'm seeing. Oh, okay. I see now he's carved counting money with his tongue team money. All right, so I say we had triple backup because I wrote that down too. I want like six times to get it word for so weirdly. Does he undress him or do they tongue bath him like a cat like a mother cat money with his tongue? He's carved cat money with his tongue tea money like it's almost poetic. It's kind of beautiful.

Yeah, in its own way. Yeah, so I don't know if we're supposed to I don't know if that's part of his character that he's like sexually lusting after Terry Cruz, but he clearly is whether he knows it or not. Well, I don't know if he looks at the broadcast later. He's like, Oh my God, I don't remember saying this, but I saw Terry Cruz for the first time. It's just what happens. So the first event they do is called the roller cage of fire.

And it is like a giant tube, not giant. It's about the size of one Terry Cruz. And somehow you have to get past that Terry Cruz while it's spinning and there's two giant gaping holes. There's absolutely nowhere to go. Like they start off and you're you were two feet away. They're two feet away. They start off with in a rolling metal cage like everyone within five seconds.

And they faced you off against a linebacker who outweighs you by at least 60 pounds. Yes, by one Terry Cruz outweighs you by a full Terry Cruz. I feel like the biggest contestant was 190 and Terry Cruz, I think it's 270. And and just in terms of like football training and footwork training, there's there's no contest between him and just some asshole off the streets. Not to mention you don't train for spinning tube at home and Terry Cruz has clearly done a few rehearsals inside the tube. So already a guy with five minutes of spinning tube experience is vastly overpowered to a

guy who's just, whoa, I've never done the whoa, OK, then through a fucking hole. In American gladiators, they get over this by like having it be a synchronous like you don't have to do the same thing as the gladiator. You'll have to get past them briefly or do something. And then so it's never like you just versus a gladiator. And in this one, it's just Terry, you you did not win unless you got Terry Cruz. Yeah, I don't know who he was born in. The only way to win was to not get in the roller cage of fire to begin with.

Yes. Right. The we say of fire, there's like a ring of fire, like way far outside where anyone would ever touch it. It's purely for sure. Yeah. And then in season two, they took it away. Even even that they're like, you know what, this either looks embarrassing or maybe it's

just a touch of danger we don't need for the spectacle. But they do lose that eventually. I had one more note about this. When you fall out of the tube, it's like a five to six foot drop. So a lot of guys when they get squeezed out of the hole, they just kind of walk out. They walk off like there's no plummet. Like if you're watching Wipeout or American gladiators, basically any show like this and you lose you fall like into the water or into some styrofoam.

And here it's just kind of like, I guess I'm done. It's just really awkward to me. Yeah, it is. This is this was the first contest like as I was taking notes and really thinking about the show for the first time where I realized no one explains anything to you ever about the rules. And I I watched the whole thing and I'm I'm this I'm fairly certain you cannot score unless like even if you stay in the cage the whole time, right?

And score. Yeah, you have to get very cruise out of the place in the world. Okay. I actually was still kind of see I wrote down the rules when they for they did explain them they first start and they what they said was it's a burning hamster wheel and team money will throw the challengers out of the holes. Oh, speaking of I have a that is it incomplete. I labeled the it's called team money holes.

Let's just listen to this. Oh, they butt heads. I love it. Oh, right against the side of the rail. Watch out for that hole, Scott. I think they got trust. Here comes the hole now CT's planning his strategy now waiting for the hole, waiting, waiting, holding, gripping, and then he's just going to finish.

Here it comes as it rolls around. Oh, look, he's not going out without a fight, but he goes. It took a double pump to get him out. And then got dumped. That guy just is doing some wrestling with some things that are just now going on as we all must win first seeing Terry Cruz. Yeah, he's he's pretty fantastic. So the guy gets easily just squeezed through this hole, get no chance, and it runs instantly

up to the camera to talk about how Terry Cruz got lucky. He's completely overpowered, outmaneuvered, and he's still talking shit. And this is just how things were in the year 2000. Every person doing any act of athleticism was a Conor McGregor, just like the greatest of all time. And if that wasn't true, they would make it true in their imagination and it would come out their mouth. They were absolutely forced to do that, though.

Every competitor was like, you have to be in your they were trained on how to be in the most faces and where exactly in that face to be. And there was one guy and I think were better than others, too. Like, yeah, that was really embarrassing. The one in the second season, I think the guy in red, who was so out of his depth, trash talking, and he just he had no idea. And you could see people like silently poking him in the ribs off camera. And he'd just be like, I think he's a bad guy.

And I think maybe some people are disappointed in him. Yeah. Well, the only note I wrote down about this first contestant was has no idea what's in store for his poor ankle about 15 minutes from now. Yes. Oh, God, the stuntman in Orlando and massage therapist. Yeah. I think that's what that was him, right? Again, I think so. Just faceless and nameless meat to me.

I'm sorry, let me let me put it in terms. We will all understand white. Yes, yes. Very white. No, no, that's his color. And and then he's they're all very white, but he is also a wearing white. Yes. So he's this guy wrestled Terry into a 69 and just stalled out. That's where we find out you don't get any points for surviving Terry Cruz. You have to shove him out a hole to which that was a valid strategy,

which is just get as close as you can to Terry Cruz and hope that he doesn't have like the range of motion to get to you, which is a great strategy for a really big guy. Just jump on him like a backpack and they'll be like, I fucking curse these giant muscles. I can't I can't get him and and nothing he didn't. OK, so so they're in a 69. I mean, that like very literally like their heads are in each other's crotches. Oh, yeah. And it's like comfortable. Give me a double.

Anything. Yeah. That guy made it so sexual when he shoved him out the hole, which was the stated goal of the game. And here's these two guys just going to town on each other romantically. And he has nothing to say about it. He's just in awe. Are we really allowed to show this?

Are we are we still rolling? Should I go? Then some guy from Sweden comes in next and he's the crankiest of them all, which is weird, because you I thought Americans were the crankiest. But this guy might have just been trying to be extra American and playing it up. He just gets deflected off the front of Terry Cruz, like just bounced four feet back. Like Terry did not even move. Yeah. So then he gets held down, stuff through a hole, run straight to the

camera, screaming, it's like, so now we get the show. Nobody, nobody got any points. No one will ever win this fucking tube game. I don't know why they even have it. They see all of the events where I feel like no one ever scored. And this is one of them. Yeah, they say they say in a couple of games in the show, they say, and no competitor has ever beaten them.

Like, why are we still doing it? Why don't you change it? But a valid struck me watching this at a very valid strategy is to actually just immediately throw every single competition and hope that you're not the guy that gets like his arm broken. Because there's going to be a guy that gets his arm broken and everybody's going to end at zero anyway. And there's no reward for not ending.

Normally, I would find that type of gamesmanship to be like ungentlemanly and cowardly, but not on battle, though, because this show is just a psychopathic survival test. It is not a sport. If you put me in a tube with Terry Crews, my first priority is getting out of the tube full of Terry Crews. Yeah, yeah. You know, you can't win.

Yeah, if it was a different sport, if it was NFL, you're like, I'm going to do my best and hope Terry like appreciates my effort. But here you're like, no, I do not want to get my arm torn off my shoulder. This is crazy. Like you save your body for maybe the one game you figure you have a chance at, which is not of them, but like it's not of them. But there might be that's true. There's one where the battle wheel is, I guess, the next event.

But before we get to that, they start with the their WWE stuff. Like this wasn't just gladiators saying, hey, I'm going to try to be my best gladiator. Like they all had characters and in comes Odell, who is just the most gloriously beautiful man. I think when we were watching this, Mark, I said that this guy must have just no charm that we don't know who he is. Like for someone to be this beautiful and gigantic and not have a career, he must just everyone fucking must take this guy.

It's literally impossible that he is not at least like a model for like romance novel covers or something. Yes, he looks like like a blonde Shazam, like a child's idea of a perfect superhero. He he drives out in a fancy car with triplets and there. Oh, fun fact about him, by the way. He was actually an American gladiator. Yes, he was a Titan.

Yeah, I think he was. And then I read he was also like he was in the original show briefly, and then he was in the reboot layer. Do you want to know a fun fact about him? I do. He was on It's Simple, Darling, the Ja Ja Gabor workout video. He was one of the two muscle men who helped train her. So he's certainly fucked Ja Ja Gabor, certainly. Absolutely. That woman is very sexually aggressive and yeah, yeah, good to go.

So and that's a fun fact about guys just sex me. So then here comes Bobby. I can't remember her last name. The actress's name is Bobby Brown, and she was a 12 time winner on Star Search for best spokesmodel. Her main even was her name. Bobby Haven was her character. And she comes out like sexy business lingerie.

And I just I don't even quite understand what she's announcing. It's just sort of like here's some things that are happening backstage. Yes, I'll have sex with everybody. And then the crowd's like, we don't know what's happening. None of these characters have any history for us. That's that's one of the things I thought about, too, when when they would like trot out and like try to create, you know, they're sort of like W.W.E.S.C. drama is how confusing that must have been.

Yes, people in attendance who are just like, who's the woman with the microphone talking about the chairman? Who's the chairman? By the way, this is the first time we've heard about the chairman. Right. Legitimate. It's confusing to me. And I've seen most of these episodes. I don't know why they're doing it. There's only like three events a night.

Yeah, I don't understand how there's even politics involved. Somebody chooses which gladiator goes out. They go out and they they throw some volleyball as a fucking firefighter and then they're done. Like what? Well, they pitch this as a mashup of American gladiators and pro-wrestling and then just started going. They started filming and they're like, I don't know, put some wrestling on their legs.

We got a minute when a lady would come out in a sexy business suit and say something, right? I guess I'd be hard pressed to tell you what the difference is, but it is like it feels confusing and off-putting. Whereas it feels kind of like vital to to wrestling. Maybe this is like the weird thing where it's like. Well, the difference is that in wrestling, there's not like half the cast is just some guy that showed up and doesn't know it.

So yeah, so it's almost like it's almost like the difference between like, you know, like thulacism and like Scientology, maybe. Right? It's like, I guess on some level, they're both kind of weird, but like at least one of them has been around for 2000 years. So you're just like, that's how that is. I feel like with pro-wrestling, there are storylines. Like these two guys need to fight and they need to have a reason to fight and they need to have like an ending to their feud.

And so that involves a lot of storytelling that you can't do in the ring. So somebody has to come out and say, like, hey, that guy crashed my car this weekend. And that's why I hate him. And so that's, I think, what why you see it in wrestling, but they're not doing that same thing here. Here, it more feels like space aliens saw wrestling and are trying to recreate it. And they know this is the part where a human comes out and says things, but not there's just no point to it.

Right, because he comes out and talks smack about one of the competitors, like better, it's like, oh, I'm going to get you. And then he fights like a regional theater manager. He has nothing to do with it. That's true. That's true. They can't actually they can't actually like make the the beef a reality ever because they never actually compete against each other.

Right, they start Odell's storyline. And his his role is to stare silently at Bobby Haven until she leaves and then fight a guy with a ball who has nothing to do with this. So Odell is one of the guys in the next event. It's called Battle Wheel. And it's maybe the most impossible task in all of sports. It's the reverse firetube of Terry Crews. Yeah, it's a fucking spinning cone and it's King of the Hill.

And all you have to do is get the gladiator like to the bottom of the cone, but it's a spinning cone. So it's already kind of high difficulty just stay on it. And you grab the right here by the foot, you put a little weight on it and they're gone. Yeah, there's two of them on it. And it's and it's like a I'm going to say in the first season, like a thirty five forty degree pitch on that thing. Yeah, and there are mats at the bottom, but you have to be able to climb it

so that the cone itself is not padded. It looks like just hard plastic plywood. Yeah. Yeah. So I wrote down just not to spoil anything, but I wrote down immediately on seeing this, somebody's breaking their fucking leg on this. Just looking at it and just looking at it as a human being who has legs. I wrote somebody's going to break their leg doing this. That's the dumbest thing I've ever seen.

And you've found yourself to be right. It's the fourth episode of the show. Probably the third or fourth time they've done this exact event and someone gets their leg fucking turned the wrong way. And this show in the most grotesque, like exploitive way, like shows it in slow motion, lingers on this guy with his foot going the wrong way. For five minutes, I'm not. They loved it.

They had contingency clients for this. Multiple times the announcers say no one should look at this as the camera's horrible to say nobody needs to see it. Let's get the instant replay. This man just sitting at the bottom of the way. I'm waiting for you to jump in here. But this man is sitting at the bottom of the wheel looking just dumbfounded. And it takes you a minute to realize his foot is turned all the way around.

Yeah, it takes everyone. He goes, he does like two or three full revolutions sitting at the edge of the wheel, which is still spinning, just looking at the audience. Like, somebody help me. I've forgotten child on a merry-go-round waiting for a parent. Just hello. And then somebody's the adult, right? And then you see it and like Sean and I couldn't look at it.

I like had to look away. I dreaded even getting back to this part in the video for this to watch him for the second time. Yeah. And this will happen to every fourth or fifth guy who ever gets on that thing from now until forever. And gladiator had the same thing happened to them the next episode. They got their foot turned around. It's that Jake Fury guy who will be in the third

at this event. No, no, it's in the hog. Not my favorite scus bag. Not the resident scus bag. I'm sorry, but he did. He did also break his ankle in almost the exact same way that. Oh, that's terrible news. He needs those feet to toe bang skanks.

So they, you know, I was talking shit about their storytelling earlier, but at this point, I reminded how the commander gets beaten backstage. Like they cut to like a TV clip of him like getting knocked unconscious and someone takes his championship belt. So like there is some storytelling going on. Oh, and there is like a ranking of the warriors that never raised to me either. Yeah, right. His championship belt is for being the best of these warriors,

but they don't compete against each other. He didn't take that from anybody. Right. Right. Right. So just beating them up and stealing it doesn't seem like the best guy at beating up your dad, but your dad that made a mistake for a fun weekend. So now I think the next event they did is maybe my least favorite. I think the dumbest event, I should say, it's called G force.

And it's it's just a big IUD device and they all hang on the outside of it. And it spins around and you have to hang on for a minute. And it just kind of spins quickly. And here comes Jake Fury, who gets on the top of it and throws the volleyball. Is that you Jake Fury for listeners at home? All you need to know about him is that this was 2000s and they couldn't get Lorenzo Lamas, which you could get Lorenzo Lamas for anything in 2000s, but he wouldn't do this.

They even called him when he rode in on a motorcycle very carefully. He even called him our renegade warrior. Just oh my God, I didn't pick up on that. You're right. That's 100 percent. The renegade looks like half Lorenzo Lamas and half the bad guy from Commando, if you remember him. Yeah, I wrote down. He looks like a version of Sam Kinnison that worked out twice a week.

Yes, that's very good. He has a mustache that it's a handle bar mustache that goes down his neck like all the way to his clavicles. And I feel like this was perfectly designed by the world's greatest mustache scientist to like make it look like he doesn't have a neck. Like it's the most unflattering. It makes him look jowly. Like, yes.

Like he you're like, who's this out of shape guy? And then I look at him like, no, this guy's kind of big. Yeah. Yeah. I'm like, it's that mustache. Neck flaps for so it's it somehow makes him look like a thumb. It's genius. It's it's like a brilliant drawing, an illusion that he's created with his mustache. And he comes out with a woman named Angel,

who is just waist weight jacked, like way stronger than him. She should be the gladiator. And she doesn't say a lot. I think maybe she didn't have the broadcast skills, but they wanted to include her. Most of the models for the show are are very much like. I think they said they're from Perfect 10 magazine. Perfect 10 magazine.

Which is like a maximum type of not a maximum pornography. But like, yeah, like pornography for 11 year olds is such a complete time capsule of the early 2000s is the year 2000 wrapped in the. They even had maximum. They just bought a maximum and threw it in there. Yes. Uh, so Jake Fury says, uh, hey, commander, someone took your belt. I got a belt for you. And he pulls out a little pink garter belt.

And this is just such a great joke. They linger on it for, I don't know, 20 minutes. Does he feel like a little dance with it? That kind of undermines it felt like it felt like it would never end. And then it cut to commander watching this from the locker room. And the way they've decided to set the stages, they have a giant CRT screen on it, folding chair in front of him in the locker room. And he smacks it after he watches it and then puts in his signature to

guard and storms out of the room. And I thought, like, uh, I should take back some of the things I've been saying about their storytelling because that's good. That's good storytelling. Also, the commander is exactly Dutch from Predator, which I love. Just you have a perfect character. Don't change him in any way and put him in your show. Yeah.

You want a Lorenzo Lamas? You want a Dutch? And you know what? I believe I believe it when you tell me Dutch would hate Lorenzo Lamas. He absolutely would. They'd be the worst enemies. That's true. And, you know, you made fun of them for riding in the motorcycle super slow.

But I was thinking about this. It's got to be really hard to ride a motorcycle very slow, like on a downstage or in like a, like a, like a, like a, you know, like a theater type setting like that with someone on the back and not like dump it. You know what I mean? Like there's no probably really cool way to do that. Feathered back breaks on Jesus. Yeah.

OK, you know, you're talking to a motorcycle man, not a motorcyclist. I don't know. But I just I was also embarrassed watching him try to navigate that thing. No, he's watching as somebody that has ridden motorcycles for a very long time. This man has not ridden motorcycles for a very long time. He's very unsteady. And then they make the very bold decision when the match is over to have he they didn't plan him parking.

So he has to back up a motorcycle, which is the least cool thing you can do on a motorcycle. He's going to do like a five point turn. They took him to the memorial Coliseum. Like how did they not like think like block that out a little bit? And they found the entire thing. They didn't cut back to him peeling away. They could have had to just carefully trying to look past the lady on the back of his motorcycle, like, could you move your thigh a little bit?

Just going to get off and just make sure I'm not going to run into anything as I'm backing off. That's funny. You mentioned how long it takes, because that's in my notes for this event, too, how how they strap these guys into this this big thing. And it takes so long and it's this giant spinning rig they have to set up. And it already looks like old as shit. Like it's only the fourth episode. And there's so much grime and duct tape on this thing.

It's like it's about to fall. Yeah, it was used for something else. And I can't imagine what that was from. It was in Eastern Europe, is all I'm going to say. I don't know what it's from. Robosaurus's wishbone. It's definitely a part of some sort of monstrosity. I don't know what it did or where it was, but. And you got to figure they they attached

like three hundred and eighty to one hundred and ninety pound men to the end of each of the arms of it. And according to them, it was spinning it up to 30 miles an hour. What I like best about this, this thing, it's just like a sideways windmill that they have to hang on to the end of. Well, while they're pelted with what they say are medicine balls, but are clearly just dodgeballs and they do nothing. Yeah, like like the warrior has no say in who wins or loses in this thing.

It's it starts pelting one particular guy, the Swedish guy in the head. The dodgeball is over and over and it affects him not in the slightest. They're all playing it up like it's something. But every single one bounces off of them and you can just hear him sigh. Like, all right. It's got to be really hard to hit a guy moving 30. Like, yeah, it was even to the end of good. But he's not like to hit him like 10 times.

Yeah, he's not like nailing him with it. He's but it doesn't nothing. I mean, it's a real fact. Yeah, the only good throw is at the end. He had already let go and just sort of dangling helplessly at the end of this thing, because they're all tethered to it. Obviously, he throws one last ball and it hits him right in the dick. That was so that's perfect for the show.

It's just like the fucking assholes like they're always winning and then taunting the guy they beat like, ha, ha, you little fucking asshole. Like it will sometimes like mount them aggressively in a way like a baboon or a sexual partner would. It's yeah, there's a lot of a lot of angry thrusting in this show. Even in the context of the sporting event, it might be criminal assault in many cases. Yeah, yeah, I'm certain. One of my favorite things before we we get away from chief force

was that the safety harnesses weren't bolted to like the ceiling or the wall or anything. They bolted it to the arm of of the g force so that if you let go or fell off as one as one kid did, you just have to dangle at the end of your cable and be spun around. And the way g forces work is that the closer in or the farther out, the more intense they are. You're you make it worse.

So you you'd like to dizzy or blackout or something. You are hurled out twice as far away to double the g force and then just spin there in the spring, the local unemployed people with vomit. What's the alternative if you're strapped to the ceiling, the next guy is just going to swing into you and kill you instantly. Yeah, there would be like you would be pulled away. Any competent show would just have you out of that area. And this is just like figure out a way to like

zip you out of there as quickly as possible or something. An alligator pool or something. Such a fucking stupid event. It's just like, hang on to this for a minute, you dumb asshole. And they're like, all right, and most of them do. It's just like, yeah, why would you not? It's one of the ones you like cannot lose. There's only two types of types of competitions,

the ones you cannot win and the ones you cannot lose. And they're not very many. So yeah, that's what I'm saying. You jump out of this air and cruise to that's a suckers game. You wait, you wait for a monkey bars. You wait for advanced monkey bars and just. So the next guy that comes out to do an event is Dutch, the commander. And he comes out with his valet, Karen Coe, who is something.

She is in a shiny blue latex halter cat suit that is, I think, more aggressively sexual than if she was completely nude. You know, we get some camera angles that are that you're just like, well, I can see the contours of her buttholes. So yeah, are we like, film the whole thing through a thigh gap. They're like, OK, Karen, stand here and get this shot. That's the angle. Are we are we really doing anything by putting that on her?

And despite this, I was able to notice that they each have some pretty funny fake tattoos. Like commander has one like commander, like on his shoulder. And she has like a snake on her boob. Because I think it helped make her look more Asian. And the commander's one already is kind of like rubbed off a little bit even. Yes, it's already kind of coming off. He knew this show was getting cancelled in one season. He's like, I'm not getting commander permanently on here.

Because this isn't a part of my life. I wonder on American gladiators. So the next thing they do is called Interceptor. So they're sort of rigged up like skydivers or like Tom Cruise in the first mission of possible that kind of rig and they're dangling there held in place vertically so they can zip zip around like air hockey. And the contestant has to go hit these buttons and it's commander's job to just go over and unhook him from his fucking right.

Which seems the easiest thing in the world. Yes, I don't understand how that thing can hold body weight. But just with the nearest touch, just give way. Just completely give up at any like just let go. What I love about the game the most is again, where they put the anchor points for their safety harnesses because they put them both at the same point. They're anchored to the same point in the middle.

So all either one has to do is let go and they will be guaranteed to meet in the middle as they often do. Every almost every single time one of the competitors let's go and then the commander, let's go and they crash into the middle and then he pulls a little tab and they fall and you're like, all right. That took three seconds. Why are we doing that over with loser? What a fucking idiot. OK, just some guy can undo your seatbelt and you lose.

So at this point in the show, there's two guys tied for second. Well, I think they have zero points. So they have what might be even dumber than the dumbest event on the show where they they grab hold of these little discs. I love this and I want to do this because I want to find out if it's actually hard because I don't think it is so fucking easy. It's they're kind of hanging on. But it also looks like there's nothing to hang on to.

It's like a tiny little ledge on the back of a vertical disc and then they crank them up and smash them into each other. It's human symbols. You're just yeah, yeah, you're holding on to the symbol. Yeah. And and so again, I don't know what the rules are, but it seems like you could just grab hold of the cables and never fall off. Right. But maybe you're not allowed to. There is one rule enforced in all of these with both of these episodes.

I've you see people's limbs broken off and there is one time a referee steps in to do something about anything. You could do whatever you want. I guarantee you you can climb up to the top of that like a monkey and just we have not discussed. We have not discussed the referee. Yeah, there are referees and referees in all of this. The most superfluous thing.

He has the legs of a man who can deadlift eight hundred pounds. Yeah, those are the meatiest, beefiest quads and calves I've ever seen in my entire life. Yeah, he looks like a sarcastic, he man toy. Yeah, every day is like day for this mockery of human muscles. Yeah, yeah, he was a he man toy. If you push down on the top of his head, he would spring up like 50 feet in the air. You know, I bet he probably tried out to be a warrior, but they're like,

buddy, we don't have any events where guys stand in one place and rupture their genes, holding in a fart. You know, we we already canceled the Indian leg wrestling competition part. Is that really any worse? Yeah. So this. God damn it, this this fucking discs. Let's try to get back to these these stupid discs.

So this I played this game when I was a kid, and it was when you had two rope swings that kind of kind of connected to each other. And you were the first thing anybody would do in that scenario is run into each other. So you both got a rope swing and you run into each other. Yeah. And you know how I won all the time. I had a foolproof strategy. I was back kick just. Oh, it's body.

It's just bad sound of body. That'll do it. That makes sense. It makes you the best at go karts and rope justing. This feels like it was it started as a justing idea and just kept getting softened until it was just like, what if we had a couple of giant mentors sponked into each other? It's kind of had a little edge in the back. That would be a lot cooler if you were actively trying

to knock the other guy off with like a big stick or something. That would actually make this kind of neat. Yeah. But then I bet they just realized that people will die. Yeah. If it's not against the rules, you could just hold one fist out. Yeah, that's true. Indigesting. They never explicitly said, don't push the other guy when you collide. In 100 percent of the time, in 100 percent of the other events,

it is perfectly legal. Ney, a valid tactical strategy to punch the other guy in the back of the head and we sit and have it over and over. You're right. It has to be legal here. You're right. That's what introduced me to the show. You're right. There was one where that fence handle one I was talking about. What's what the hell is that event called again?

Anti-gravity where the gladiator jumped on his back and he's trying to crank him off. He's pulling on him and the other guys just grabbing the hold of the fence handles like I'm fine. So the gladiator started like punching him like in the neck, in the arm, in the fingers, and I'm like, it got to the point where I'm like, this seems so far beyond like a reasonable like attempt to play this game that like that guy's waiting in the parking lot for this gladiator.

Like this is yeah, this is crazy. The violence was like, it was upsetting on him. Yeah, while he's like, he can't do anything except hold on. It's just like, this is this is fucked up. Yeah, everybody, everybody leaves heart from this going like if there's a follow up to this 20 years later, every single interview starts with God, I wish I hadn't done that show. Yeah, every regrets about it to this day.

I don't want to kick this guy's ass for 20 years, but he is 270 pounds and I'm not. And then I remembered this is America. So I got a gun. Right. They're just all these contestants went home and bought a gun and they're just polishing it, hoping to fucking run into commander at the grocery store.

Last Boy Scout that shit next time I'm on that show. So the two guys that have zero points. They break the tie and then they go to the final event, which is just sumo on a big stupid disc under a big stupid dome. It's exactly what you'd picture if if you heard the words cyber sumo three thousand for the Game Boy Color. Yeah, well, I will say there was one cool thing about the dome and it's that for some reason, they've collected every warrior

around the edge of it as they lower it from out. And they just stand there and watch these two men wrestle. Yeah, it's thunderous. You got to have like you got to have mooks and peasants and stuff to watch. Yeah. So the cranky guy wins because he like shoved the other guy over the edge. He lays down as hard as he can. Yes, it just lays down as hard as he can.

And the other guy tries to get him to not lay down. And then that's it. That then nobody nobody goes off. They just they just end it. And then some of the red winds are laying down more. The rules were that the point leader just has to stay on the platform. And this took me a minute to figure out. And again, unclear if anyone actually explains it.

But the point leader just has to stay on the platform. Oh, OK. Second place person has to get the person off. And if they both fall off, they have to get back on and do it again. There were two layers to how confused I was. And one is like, why did anybody bother getting points if it's just the top two people go into this thing? And then how did you win by laying down harder than the other guy? And I guess there was a third layer of like, why was that interesting?

But that's right, like in a show full of bold, crazy ideas. It was like the limpest way you could possibly. It was such a limp ending. Yeah. I did pull a clip from this because Scott Ferrell, he's obviously a terrible color commentator. As you remember, when he's talking about T money, licking his money and having his laundry done. But I want to play this clip because he has fantastic play by play skills.

So let's listen to this. Look at all of this. Grab it. Oh, no, watch, you're going to see a little action here. Oh, look out. Oh, no, watch, he's going to rotate. Oh, I don't want to wake up looking like that. Oh, and the name of pain and hamstring pulls. Oh, and then the lower back getting cranked.

Look at us. We have a winner now, buddy. Let's go to the sideline. Reaction. Oh, by the way, did we mention downtown Julie Brown is in this? Oh, right. I just want him to be close to winning and serving up. But when he leaves here. I left the interview in because he was down there.

Julie Brown like asking him, how did you do that? And he's like, oh, look, other guys sucky shit. Fuck, can't talk. Yeah, he didn't make any sentences. He just word saladed his way to the end of that interview. He started the only legible thing he said was that guy. It wasn't anything. I was easy. And then the rest of it was rock, rock, hard, rock, pop, pop.

He had that one great talking point about how that other guy was nothing. What a picture that guy paints with words like, oh, yeah. Oh, what? Hey, hey, what now? And you're like, and while he's doing that, he's like drawing on random parts of the screen, like they gave him one of those pins where you can kind of circle things and draw arrows and he's doing that. But it's not it's not really revealing anything interesting about the action sticks.

He's just drawn sticks on everything. Yeah, I don't think he has any expertise in sumo, wrestling, whatever, whatever they're doing there. I love that guy's voice because now that we have time on our side to tell, we can actually see what happened to like Steve Oh, and know that you have to do the exact same drugs and the exact same amounts of Steve Oh, to sound like that. Right. So this guy

says a bunch of nonsense while he's out of breath. And then downtown Julie Brown sticks a little class ring halfway onto his finger and cut. That's it. You did it. Like that's how they end the show. His great victory is making a fool of himself to downtown Julie Brown and walking out of there with eight dollars on his finger. I don't know. Yeah, the ring doesn't fit at all.

It never not even close. They they size this for like size zero like women's fingers. It's a child's ring. It is absolutely something they got for 40 tickets from an arcade. At one point in one of the episodes, Julie, Julie Brown's only on that show for like three or four episodes. Oh, you ran at Julie Brown money. They wound up. Yeah, they she found better things than whatever.

But the last time that I saw her on there, she just hands the guy the box with the ring still in it. Like, yeah, just like I'm not even going to try to put this on your finger. It's not these are stacking up backstage. Just take the whole thing. So we did watch a season two episode 16 as well, because the guy who won it uploaded it to his YouTube channel with commercials, with commercials, real blessing.

And I loved it. But I do want to talk about like how they advanced the show and how they got better. So in season two, they offered the winner a hundred thousand dollars, which you talked about. They replaced Scott with Ed Lover, who is a rapper, you might know, who's kind of like effortlessly cool. And I think he's an especially funny choice

because it makes Scott look that much dorky by comparison. That this like whirpy nerd trying to sound like Wolfman Jack, like just looks so funny compared to Ed Lover, who's just like, I'm having a really great time. This is crazy. And like, he's just kind of saying funny stuff and enjoying it. So that the the guy who uploaded this clip is a he was 19 years old at the time. He was a UPS employee from Harbor City.

And that he actually won with those credentials. Yeah, it was the same contestant because I lost track. But this in this season, they started actually injecting a little like profile clips of each contestant at the beginning of each event. And one of them, the man actually took the camera crew outside of his home, laid a trash can on its side and made them film him jump his BMX bike over it. Yeah, yeah, he was like one of the coolest things.

Radish. You guys want to see what I can do? No, watch, watch, watch, watch, watch. There was a package they made for a guy named Derek, who was a personal trainer from Kentucky and in the middle of the package, the announcer says in 1994, Derek's best friend was shot and killed by an unseen gunman, which is like not resolved in any meaningful way. It's just not making a better athlete. It didn't matter to his life, like at all, in terms of the game.

Yes, it was the weirdest profile ever. Right. It wasn't his whole like, if you would introduce that as his whole profile, I don't think I would have laughed, but that you're he's like watching him work out and smile at the camera and then stop. He was killed mysteriously and then go again. You're like, wait, what? What? Hold on. Go back. It's so weird. They added some new warriors who I loved.

There's a guy named Baby Blue, who comes out for the first event, whose whose theme is like, what if Blade was a sexy waiter and love blue? So I am the coolest dude in the dome, scored by a sex baby blue, just glides to the dome. I wrote down and in reading this, I don't know if it even makes any sense to anyone, but I feel like it rings true to me. I wrote down that he walks out to the kind of blues music they might play in a restaurant that specializes in fish and chips. That's very accurate. Yes.

Like he just he carries a lot of backstory with him. Like you see Baby Blue and you're like, I don't quite get the theme, but like this guy has a rich personal life that I'd love to hear about. I bet his his best friend was shot and killed by an unseen gunman. And he's really secretly he's in this to try to solve the crime because he's certainly one of the other warriors was the gunman. Or I also was going to find out it's his friend.

I love the back. Shit. Oh, shit. What if the package that they show of Davis, the guy who uploaded this, he's doing martial arts with his dad. And it seems like it's the first time they've ever done this. Like they're like, OK, and then I put my head here and then you kind of twirl. And it's like really cute and embarrassing in a sincere way.

And I kind of love it. And I think it helps a lot to see this person as a real actual person rather than just a screaming psychopath like everyone was in the first season. Yeah. Yeah. Although he does portray himself as a screaming psychopath. Yeah. But like you can kind of tell what what the act is now. Yeah. Like you see him in his personal life. You're like, OK, this is like a thing he's doing because they coached him.

Yeah. See, now you start to that now there are stakes because you'll feel bad when every single one of these men is mauled hideously for absolutely no reason. Yeah. Yeah. His father's martial arts training was useless. They added a lot more babes in season two, like they're just kind of everywhere. Like whenever every contestant gets one. Yeah, they have like their own babe coaches is just some lady in a bra hanging around, kind of like shaking her hair extensions while he talks. Like, yeah, listen to this guy.

He's he's he's really engaged, though. Like they're always watching, sometimes apologizing when they're oh, they're earning four hundred bucks there. They're present in a way that was surprising to me. There was one that was scorned and spiteful when the guy like just refused to do anything. She was like, that's right. That's right. He like he like ran around the outside of the event for the entire 60 seconds.

And she looked extremely disappointed in him. You know, crowd fucking boot him. Yeah. To be fair, that what was that game, the battlefield? That was maybe the battlefield one. And so that's which was a little bucket on the top of a pyramid and both of the contestant and the warrior were boxing gloves. And the contestant has to pick up a ball and put it in the bucket.

And obviously, with the boxing gloves, it means the warrior can just fucking punch him. And so this guy wants to get punched, so he ran in a circle, which is fine. That's that's Brockway's tactic for the start of the show. It's a very tactic. I'm telling you, you know, they just don't engage and be the guy that's destroyed because what what this is is like, you have they they wage it. They stage it like you have to get to the center of this mountain, throw the ball through the hoop, get a point.

But the other guy's goal, his sole goal is to box you into unconsciousness. So what this is is you play basketball. Only everybody else on the court punches you in the face. Right. That's you're not playing the same game. And that dude, Kuda, is, I think, the biggest of all the warriors. Yeah, he's six foot seven. It's my new favorite thing to watch is people going up for a basketball shot

and then right as they're about to release, they get punched square in the face. Looks like he knocks a couple of people out like momentarily. Like people go down and they lay there a little longer than you want them to. Like you go up for an alley, you hands up in the air in the arc and you get punched in the face. Yeah, I'd watch that. I did watch it. I did. That's exactly what happened. The first guy that was trying to run around, he didn't quite run out

the whole clock and at the tail end of it, the gladiator just walked up and rabbit punched him in the back of the head into the fucking ground, much like the other one you saw, Mark, where it's just that that must happen all the time. Yeah, but he did it with such a like casual impatience. Like he's like, this is what you get for running around. Like I could have been doing this the whole time. Fuck you. Just get at least one. Nobody leaves without a head punch.

That's like Kuda guaranteed. And Kuda, we should mention, has like some real like weird make like problematic makeup, like they're they try to make him look like a Jamaican like zombie man, I guess he was every Jamaican in movies until I want to say 2007. Yeah, they wouldn't that. Yeah, I wrote down Predator to Magic Predators, too. Yes, the Walgreens really magic costume. Baby Blue gets his nose busted open because I think he's wearing his

sunglasses and they got knocked into the bridge of his nose. And so he turns to camera and he calls out the WCW guys backstage because they were backstage and he's like, hey, guys, look at this because this is the real thing, not like the shit you do. And so this is a weird moment of kayfabe breaking because what they're doing is fake. Like sure, they kind of have these sporting events where they fight these UPS employees. But that guy's not really a military commander

and Kuda is not really a savagation from the swamp. Like, like, right, this is all fake. This is all theater. And so here he is, like, accusing this other thing of being fake. And I'm like, I don't understand what your fiction is anymore. This is fucking stupid. And then they cut to the backstage. And it's Diamond Dallas Page and Rick Steiner and Buff Bagwell.

And and so here they are in the second season. They're like, let's cross promote the WCW and this will be awesome. They only did it for a month and it is not awesome. It is not awesome, but man, on paper, that makes a lot of sense. You can see why they pursued that angle. For sure, I would if someone brought this up in a meeting, I'd say, cool, let's ask WCW if they're into it, we're fucking doing it for sure. But they do this event, the battlefield event with Rick Steiner versus Terry Cruz.

And Rick Steiner demonstrates how when it's a fair fight, these games change drastically because he just muscles right past him and puts the ball in the fucking hoop. Well, he drops it. But like he demonstrates like, hey, if you're fighting another 300 pound muscle man, they can just play this game like it's a real game. You have fucking bully. And then they then it breaks into a hockey fight.

But not a real one. It's a fake fight. The thing they were just complaining, hey, you WCW guys are fake. And then they have the fakest fight I've ever seen. Just like because they're trying to make it look like they're throwing real bare knuckle punches at each other, which is a very specialized skill. It anyway, it just looks like fucking stupid. It filled up like five to ten minutes of the show

in a way that felt like I would have rather you just run more commercials. Right. Probably more entertaining. And then they start talking to the people from the brawl and they're like, oh, well, tune in next week for the rest of that brawl. And so it's just like, like, we're in our brawl. So we're like, OK, guys, this sucks. I really don't want to go see this fight rolling to another show, but whatever.

They also do aerial kickboxing in this episode, which I think is probably the most unfair of the games because there's this guy named with his name. Bubba King, Bubba King, Bubba King, Bubba King. He's one of the first events where they say and nobody has ever beat him. Yes, I think that stays true forever. Yeah, well, this guy move. I would say he's probably the best athlete of the gladiators.

Like this guy seems like like a legit world class athlete in many sports. And so for the aerial kickboxing, you basically hang on the bottom of a rig and then you kick the other guy off. And I I think you're not allowed to kick him in the head. But really, what they do a lot. Yeah, this seems like the skill cap for this is very, very high. So I mean, this is like doing pull ups while someone kicks you. So you guys didn't do this on the playground.

No, I'm serious. You didn't have you didn't have a chicken. There was definitely like a monkey bar. But I OK, this I don't know that we ever like hooked our legs around each other, kicked each other in the face and arms and we did exactly this. OK, OK, like the way out like three bars out and then try to swing forward and drop, kick them off or grab them with your legs and everybody lined up. And I might have just gone to school, you had a brutal childhood.

I'm like, yeah, I'm saying it out loud. And I'm like, yeah, listen, I went to bad schools. Right, right. I went to the bad school that was that was just battle, though. This was actually like these were training centers. You know, lining it up. Yeah, it's just battle, though. I was on that I forgot about it.

You were literally. Yeah, you were. This was like actually just like a like a Psyop thing. And you know what? Training you for the show. My best friend was killed by an unseen gunman when I was a child. It's amazing. Amazing.

So this is like where you got your sixth and seventh grade education was the Battle Dome. Yeah. I was my own class. I was not broccoli. Oh, look at that. And X together. But then Micah Giovanni was Bubba King at Bastard. That bastard.

It feels like the contestant here thought they'd be like leg wrestling while they're doing pull ups and the gladiators like, ha, ha, I actually know I'm going to kick you in the face. So they're just getting their fingers stomped and their face stomp. Just like utilize. And he has so much upper body strength that it's like he really does just kind of do two thirds of a pull up and somehow like project his entire lower body just directly parallel into their face and chest

and arms in a way that like no human being could survive. It's the the fingers they got me the fucking totally unprotected fingers that he just stomps into metal until they are all putty and mush. And then they fall and then frequently they hit the ground. And before they've even had a chance to roll over, he is like mounted them and is like writing them like write a dolphin. And then he's like holding their face and screaming at them in a way that like kind of made me angry and I wasn't involved in any of.

So yes, that's Bubba King. He's the it's Bubba's dome and he's just fully messed out. You're in the bubble dome. He showed this guy named Tim and they show his package and he's like, hi, he's like real soft spoken. He's like, I learned how to not being a gang from my grandma and grandpa. And I think I'm going to win battle dome by matching the intensity of of every warrior I face.

Like he's just sleepwalking through this fucking package. And Bubba King is just like, whoa, it's my fucking house. And so I what I'm saying is he does not match the intensity of Bubba King. And no, we failed as one mission kicked in the wrist while he's trying to figure out this game and how it works. It does not work out for him. Did you mention that the whole ring is also like undulating for some reason? I haven't mentioned it, but you're right.

It's it's tilting back and forth. And in a very subtle way, I think this gives a huge advantage to the gladiator because by the time they reach the center, it's tilted in the gladiator's favor. So it's it's like, yeah, so he was the contestants. Yeah, he was kind of always pointing downhill by the time they met in the middle, wasn't he? Right. He also has been on this thing so much that he does around like he'll like hook his legs and hang on it.

Like he just clearly has spent a ton of time training here. This is a second home for him, these monkey bars. They did not design this event. They just found him dominating a playground. And realize that we actually have a job for you, you local maniac. So that's that's battle, though, my guess. They do get to the end and our hero wins again. It's Sumo, but in the second season, they added a kickboxing element.

But their untrained kickboxers fully padded. They have helmets, shoulder pads, shin pads. So when they go up and strike, they have no effect on each other. It just looks like it looks like children having a pillow fight. And they both fall off and they have to start again, which is, I think, psychologically devastating and also physically grueling. So one minute into this, they have no energy and our hero wins with, like, the world's most telegraphed

ipon seonage, which is just like a one-handed shoulder throw. You actually counter this by grabbing your opponent's dick, which is weird. He didn't naturally do that on a show. So very sexualized. So that's that's how he wins. Just leaves him over with the first judo throw you learn. And there are UPS boys, the champion.

Did we I think we forgot to mention that he he was talking a bunch of shit after the first event. And then he he threw up. Yeah, we did. He was like he had to pause the shit talking and ran off to the side and threw up. And of course, they were they have their vomit contingency ready. So they were there to zoom in on it.

Yeah, they were like right behind him, just filming it. They knew exactly what was going to happen. And then they went right back barely surprised. He looked barely surprised. And I only I only bring that up because I just I remembered the interviewer helpfully reminds him about that at the end of the show after he wins. I think he said puking it out, then duking it out.

Yeah, that's all you puke it out and you duke it out. You you've done it all here tonight. You threw up earlier, then you were duking it out. You duked it out and you puked it out. And then he and then he yells, I'm talking big dumpsters, which is what I'm saying. Brian, the interviewer says, hey, you can talk trash. You're the champ tonight.

And he says, yeah, boy, I'm going to talk dumpsters, big dumpsters. What? Like, so we don't we don't literally talk trash. You know, you know, don't put hazardous goods in with me fool. You got to bring them to a special part of the dump. What I'm here to stretch metaphors and invent new idioms. It turns to for some reason, like high five the interviewer and realize he's already walked away.

And so he has to like make it like a like a point, like like number one with his hand and it's the most embarrassing thing I think I've ever seen on television. God, I love moments like that. You got to we should gif that. I feel like it's important to see like in its entirety because it really like that was the that was the one thing I was like, I don't feel like I can properly express how embarrassing

this moment in television history is. We all have one more thing in my notes. Oh, you're going to do it. What? I don't I don't think we're going to do the same thing. There's no way we're not doing the same thing. Let's go at the same time. Ready on three, one, two, three. The Nintendo Crunch of the Night.

What? No, that wasn't what I had. It's just somebody got fucking body slammed on the wheel and Nintendo sponsored it. And I just love that. Oh, that's fantastic. I had a note on Bobby Brown. She was in the once bit and twice shy video and a vanilla ice movie.

So she was about as early 90s as a hot girl could be. And then I have in my notes, she played a character named Randy, the birthday cake girl on a show called My Camera, Private Eye. And I just that makes me so happy that that chain of words is so fantastic. She was in a barbarian brothers movie. Oh, which one? Double Trouble, she was Peter's girlfriend.

Oh, hell, yeah. One. So hard artistic history. She had her cleavage in everything. I watched all the way to the end. And the very last ad was for telepersonals, which I loved. That's pretty beautiful. And they had a very chandler looking man who whose window was rapidly closing at that point in time.

And he said, I used it to meet a girl who likes cartoons. And the girl he's talking to says, I don't need to use that. I don't need to meet more losers. And he answers back, hey, telepersonal is not for losers. It's for people like me. And it's just the whole thing is such a drag. I love it.

For super cool dudes that love sailor movie cartoons and want to meet girls who like cartoons. Anyway, my chandler things over. And right now, right now, it's no longer charming. It happened while I was talking to you. So yeah, I guess I'm going to join a men's rights forum. 1-9-100, Frankfurt. Our podcast is coming out.

And with Maximal and Chow. The Frankfurt podcast. Correct. Yes. The power is not attractive, not without. Send it to the dog. 4-1-1. Come on.

You can do it. 1-9-100. 1-9-100, Frankfurt. 1-9-100. 1-9-100, Frankfurt. 1-9-100. 1-9-100, Frankfurt. 1-9-100, Frankfurt.

Yeah, 9000. August was Dolomite Month on the Hot Dog Discord. So we thought it'd be fun to let Dolomite write one of these. Mules have kicked them, didn't bruise their hide. Rattlesnake spit them, they just crawled off and died. The handcuffed lightning split the raging sea. These here are the motherfucking Hot Dog Supremes. 3-finger Lowy.

Aaron Croson is a bad motor scooter. Adrian H. Aiden Moet. Alpha Sciences Java, you rat-suit-eating motherfucker. UnAndy. Andreas Larson. Armando Nava. Benjamin Sironin. Bim Talzer.

Brandon Garlock thinks you need to move over and let him pass before they be pulling these hush puppies out your ass. Brian Saylor. If Brian Whitney ever sees a ghost, she'll cut the motherfucker. Brockway loves the meat millie. Aw, hell yeah he does. Sarah. Rev. Chance McDermott don't wear no fucking cotton drawers.

Chris Brower. Curious Glare. Dan B is so bad he kicks his own ass twice a day. Dean Costello. Dr. Awkward. Rick Spalding knows why I'm not doing the voice. Fancy Shark. Jell-O Hope.

Greg Cunningham is his name and fucking up motherfuckers is his dick. Hambobe. Haraka. Hot Fart. Jay Burrell Aiden is a low down, oh I can't say this one. Jacob Thornberg is a snake eating yellow, no I can't do that one either. James Boyd saw a white woman, nope. Jeff Harasky is so black, no.

Jeremy Neal once dated a pastor's daughter and he's, oh god. My man John Dean's wife is so, I can't do that one. John Hector McFarlane met this deaf girl one time and holy shit Dolomite, no. John McCammon thinks you're such a mama's boy, you're now skipping that one. If John Minkoff was in Mississippi, no. Josh Fabian is a motherfucking, no, can't see any of those words. Here Josh S hopes you eat as cold as the Windy City because the way he feels now baby, he sure could warm you up. Oh that's a nice one, thanks for getting this out of that Josh.

Ken Paisley, K&M. M. Jaihi Chappelle just wants to see a honky dance. Matt Riley, Max Baroy will get behind you, getting in front of you too. Michael Lair, Michael Wells, Mickey Lohman, Mike Stiles. Moji once walked from New York City to the deep, deep south just to slap a son of a bitch straight in the mouth. Andy Neil Bailey, Neil Shaffer. Nick Ralston wants you to listen and listen well, he's that bad motherfucker drove the devil out of hell. Nick H, Ozzy Olen, Patrick Herbst, Rain Vargas.

Rhiannon's been known to rise up, but we'll cool down later. Sarkovsky, Spotty Reception, Ted H. Timmy Leigh is a no-business, born and secure, jock-jawed motherfucker. Toast to God. Tom Sikula thinks you're bad and you ain't got no class. He's gonna rock this shotgun up your motherfucking ass. Tommy G, Whalen Russell. Yassarian wants you out of here in 24 hours and baby, 23 of them are already gone.

And Donald Finney don't want no dilapidated, seep-sap and pigeon-toed, cross-eyed and bow-legged son of a gun's a messin' with him.