The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - Dogg Zzone 9000 - Episode 93, Bloodsport 2: Bloodsport 1 Again with Vanessa Guerrero and Zak Koonce

Episode Date: September 28, 2022

Brockway calls for the toughest fighters on earth to podcast about a movie about the toughest fighters on earth. Seanbaby, Vanessa Guerrero, and Zak Koonce answer the call! It's Bloodsport 2 (the second podcast about the first Bloodsport).

1-900-HOTDOG 1-900-HOTDOG Our podcast slams with maximum hype Say hotdog podcast work Yeah When you taste that nitrate power You're in the dog zone for an hour Come on

You know the number 1-900-HOTDOG 1-0-0-0 1-900-HOTDOG 1-900- 1-900-HOTDOG 1-0-0-0 Yeah, 9000

Welcome to the Dog Zone 9000 The official podcast of 1-900-HOTDOG America's undefeated champion of comedy websites I'm Robert Brockway of Brockway Reukerati And with me is world record holder For fastest headbutt with nose explosion Sean Baby Okay, USA

And joining us today are our guests Undefeated surprise Kumite champion Vanessa Guerrero Thank you, thank you very much I specialize in specifically dim-mac And it's one you've never heard of And I learned it in a strip mall All surprise, all surprise all the time Ambush Kumite

And The only man who has defeated 56 consecutive Kumite referees By knockout Zach Koontz It's my go-to move I grab him, I throw him at you I hide behind him

I use that I've diversified with how I use the ref 56 times There is no point to a referee If you can grab him and hide behind him Like if that does not disqualify you Like what is that guy there for? You could swing them like a human club

I wish there was something I could do about this I'm honestly just here to mop up the teeth He failed to stop Chong Li from killing a man Like he was about as useful as a UFC one ref Yeah Well, there's no way to guess what today's podcast is about But before we get to it I would sincerely like to know where I could find more

From each of you guys on the internet and beyond Vanessa, how about you go first Hey, first thing I want to plug is something that's been On hiatus for a bit, but it's coming back And that is my podcast, kicking and screaming It just kind of took a backseat to everything else And it's the thing that I love doing the most We do double features of horror movies

And martial arts movies But that involves watching like four hours of movies Per episode So we are coming back I'm very psyched Hopefully teasing something that's going to be happening Down the line But maybe doing live screenings of some of these double features

And then you can also find me on G4TV I host and produce a show called Vibe Check And then I kind of do everything else In the world I got to say you have the best title And tied to premise for a podcast Behind the Dog Zone 9000, of course Yes, Dog Zone 9000 is the apex

It tells you everything you need to know Dogs in zones To the 9000 degree Alright, Zach, how about you? I have no problem explaining to my friends and family What the Dog Zone is whenever I suggest that they listen to it So I concur I have got a YouTube channel with my buddy Craven

Called Arlenauts, A-U-R-A-L-N-A-U-T-S Right now we're working on... Oral knots Oral knots That's the one, yep Just like he says it every time I love that Really round out that hope

Yeah Larry Kenobi is fucking good Larry Kenobi is what we're doing We're redoing the Obi-Wan Kenobi series With our version of Obi-Wan Who is a grifter scumbag Who's known for dropping fake names But never changing his last name

That's the joke I don't know I feel like our version is probably... I feel like our version of Obi-Wan Is canonically more consistent overall I think the source material That may be a big talk, but... Just a dirtbag traveling the stars

Sampling local drugs Getting his dance on? Getting his dance on And there's probably no need to ask this But does this entail thousands of hours Of careful expert level video editing? God damn it, too much That show gets worse and worse

I didn't have a problem with the show When I first watched it But when you tear it up And put it under a microscope You'd be surprised to find out It doesn't hold up very well Yeah, this is a real artistic note for you, Zach There's this lighthearted, fun feel

In the tone of the art But I can feel the exhaustion Like, I'm like, God damn Because you can hear different voices I'm like, oh my God, this guy Fucking called his voice actor friends And went over to a studio And recorded those two lines of dialogue

And then stitched it together With 15 different episodes I'm like, oh, I'm just saying I can see the work It's great, though Yeah, you can really hear you guys dying Yeah, I can hear the struggle We're just...

Spending your life energy for us It's Obi-Wan's arc So it really helps sell the character, I think And it gets... It's only a feeling that intensifies As you watch when you realize, oh my God They've incorporated an entire fucking narrative With this chopped-up footage

Like, oh fuck, there's callbacks and shit Like you made a whole movie Out of chunks of movie That's always tough, too That fine line of how far up our own asses Do we want to go with these callbacks But you want to be consistent with the narrative But you also don't want to be too like...

If only you understood what was really going on here You'd feel really good about yourself right now So Larry, I think it's going to do a great job Of showing how someone who looked like you and McGregor Turns into Alec Guinness in less than 10 years Yeah, that's a thing, huh? He's got a lot of living to do None of it is good

A lot of tax evasion? Is that an Obi-Wan thing or a new McGregor thing? Oh, no, like an Alec Guinness thing I would have got it I would have got that eventually You're so close Well, as you can plainly tell Today we're discussing the 1988

Jumping Split Kick Masterpiece Bloodsport Now, hold on I know what you guys are saying You got... this is the audience This is what the audience sounds like You guys already did a Bloodsport podcast And it was amazing It changed my life

And I thank God every day you did it And you're right We already did a Bloodsport podcast With our audience rules Yeah, so what? Did you think there was only going to be one Bloodsport podcast? What the fuck? There is way more than one Bloodsport in our world

There will be many more than one Bloodsport podcast I think it has to be every time we watch Bloodsport We do a podcast about it Sold Yeah Like, honestly, you guys are lucky We're the 15 behind Yeah, we're lucky that this is anything

Not Bloodsport related And 15 behind We might be correcting that right now Next 15 episodes, let's just go back to back Clearly this would be a better podcast Of every single week We just got together and talked about Bloodsport But I guess real quick

There might be people that don't know what Bloodsport is Like, I don't want to associate with those people But they might be listening to this And I guess we should tell them And I have a special message for you Fuck you Feral Cats is the new thing I am so sorry

I'm having my husbands put her away She will not stop shutting up Here's the thing She really believes in dim back She really... She spent a lot of time And a lot of money on it And I think she's in like a sunken cost fallacy thing

Right now And I need to let her think that it's effective I think she's just doing the cat version Of kumate Kumate She is, she's chanting kumate I knew where we were going to get there Sooner or later and I'm glad it's sooner

Alright, Bloodsport It's the story of Frank Dukes Superhuman karate dispenser And a secret military weapon Ninja Frank Dukes Who uses his leave to Fly to Hong Kong To participate in the kumate

A no holds barred fighting tournament Possibly to the death If Chong Li is feeling fun today Never clear if that's okay or not It's like frowned upon sometimes But other times it kicks ass He's pursued by military police Who can't risk America's most powerful weapon

Which is, again, Frank Dukes Getting hurt in this competition And right away like you can't, you learn You can't question Bloodsport from that moment Because if he's like so valuable to our country That he's our greatest weapon What the fuck are they worried about? Like yeah, just get over there

No faith in their greatest weapon, yeah I mean the US military Does not like to share its toys Yeah, you were worried they would reverse engineer a van dam Yeah, that they would make another van dam That they would be able to figure out The genetic construct of his fists And make a second one

But with a robotic eye Maybe that's what like that guy from Step by step was He was like Brussels trying to Reverse engineer another van dam From the van dam we stole from You talk about Sasha Mitchell from the kickboxer sequels Yes

Or as I like to call him That guy from step by step I locked on step by step when they would suddenly Break into a kung fu fight And you're like, okay Sasha, yeah Yeah You're kickboxer too Yeah, we got it

You're the long lost brother From kickboxer Congratulations They made me sad that That's the show he was on So you're telling me we could have a kung fu sitcom And we're not watching that Instead we're watching him like

Justify karate kicking the milk man Once every 17 episodes It's like whenever I see Michael Jai White in a Tyler Perry movie And I'm like you have a whole Michael Jai White And he's not punching or kicking anything What are you doing What a waste of Michael Jai White

Literally the only action move That I've ever seen him do in a Tyler Perry movie Is Choka Woman I was so mad I haven't watched enough Tyler Perry movies to get there Did she end up winning that fight I think she did Good

I do want to see him do like a Tyler Perry kung fu movie Like That's probably the direction he needs to go to revitalize His career Just like a really busted up Steven Chow movie Imagine me assuming That he hasn't already done that There's no way he hasn't already done that

He's an interesting guy Cause he did Black Dynamite So he clearly has shown that he has a sense of humor And like some comic timing One of my favorite stories about him was Who's the UFC fighter That does a podcast now

He's a commentator Michael Bisbing Was in a movie with him and he said He was filming and then he got news that his dog died He was really sad about it And he tried to talk to Michael Jai White He's like hey my dog just died And he's like I don't know if he just didn't hear me

So I just assumed he didn't hear me So I just dropped it And thinking that he didn't hear me I go Hey what's up man My dog just died He goes yeah you told me And that was it I stopped talking to Michael Jai White

Amazing I have registered your human emotion That has been noted and disposed of And I just picture Black Dynamite Doing that Picture like normal Michael Jai White It would be a funny line for Black Dynamite I said friend who keeps complaining to him

Yeah you told me that Yeah you told me I threw that shit before it came in the room Maybe my favorite line Maybe my favorite line That or his voice breaking When one of the women in the brothel interrupts him A hot coat hangers line

Well impossibly this is not A Black Dynamite podcast Although I'm guessing There's going to be Yes Where were we in Bloodsport He meets Frank Dukes He meets Ray Jackson

Who is a I think some sort of fighting bear And A female reporter He's like three fat boys fused into one Have you ever been with a real big man No I do appreciate

How quickly he backed down though Like a gentleman so instantly Total gentleman Like the grossest gentleman of all time Very gross gentleman You ask every woman if she's been with a big man Eventually one of them says no but I'd love to be And then you respectfully make love to her

For seven to eight minutes In a way that does not destroy her body Then you take her to the hospital Because she has been split in half I'm Ray Jackson A completely accurate reporting of the scene Where Frank Dukes meets Ray Jackson On a trolley

Picking up a woman In the worst and best way possible And then there's also a He meets and falls in love with a female reporter Who probably has a name but it is not important She's sassy female Reporter number one Yes as legally required

By every 1980s action movie I think every other woman in the film Was credited as special lady So I don't know if she was one of the special ladies Or if she had her own name Maybe she's notably not special Maybe that was their passive aggressive way Everybody else is called special lady

And you're called like Cindy Credit is special lady But on set known as a lady Well that's okay but Bullet sport makes no time for women I believe there's one other woman And she's like in the bar briefly To be picked up

And I think that's it Like that's it for women They kind of know to stay away from the kumite Except for the reporter This is all a very bad idea It's not a safe spot They're not all Ray Jackson's Is my point

They're not all savage bear gentlemen Like Ray Jackson's So Frank Dukes spends this time dodging cops Falling in love Making friends for life And spin kicking his way through Just all of Hong Kong To become I guess the champion of earth

Forever At the very least the numbers they drop in the tournament Are such that it's several magnitudes More than the entire population of the earth Since chrome magnets Were made extinct You guys did real kumite math In a previous episode

It was impressive Everybody Disputes I heard a podcast as recently as a year ago Where Frank Dukes was like listen Some of the guys You fight them and then they get back up And then you kind of go back

He had sort of a hand wavy thing These dudes were getting 30 to 40 concussions a day Just getting knocked out over and over By this maniac Frank Dukes Well he also specified I read the article where he first He did specify it was a single elimination tournament

So So he's changing his story a little I think he just didn't Single elimination tournament Where you defeated everybody Who has ever been or will ever be born Forever In a kung fu battle. If you're listening to this

You will have to fight to Frank Dukes Or you'll have to have every grain of sand On the beach Here's a good question Has Frank Dukes acknowledged you guys yet You've done some pretty deep shit talking on him And I feel like that This might be the one

He got a takedown on a cracked article I wrote about him Oh my god I would give anything Literally I will be so mad if I leave this earth Without being challenged Yelled at or accused of lying by Frank Dukes

Some kind of cease and desist Side Frank Dukes Well if we do our jobs right That's our soft goal today We had Josh Barnett on the podcast And he does a wrestling promotion called Bloodsport Which is awesome And I was talking to him about how the fuck

Frank Dukes not tried to get you to shut down And he immediately switched on He's like I fucking like to see him try And I thought that was so funny And that's real He really wants to fuck Frank Dukes up But what athletic commission would allow that You have seat champion and

Elderly liar Sure we'll fucking put this fight on This would be like Game of Thrones You know when the Mandalorian Got his face exploded kind of situation Right It's Josh Barnett versus the real Frank Dukes Yeah challenge him to a fight

And then show him his real enemy A lie detector test and I want to see I want to see him dim back His way through that That made it I would love to see Like an actual fist fight But you're both attached to lie detectors Do you have any new questions about your life

Oh that's brilliant How fast do you think that punch you just threw Was? 700-800 miles an hour It was 12 Frank And it electrocutes you every time you lie There we go fully running man It's the ghostbusters

He mentioned this on a podcast Frank Dukes He's talking about how when people make fun of him That has like terrible repercussions Because sometimes he does negotiations With money and prisoners And so like when people make fun of him That like undermines his credibility

And like you fucking Look at the family in the eye when the kids are dead Because you made fun of Frank Dukes That's a real shit I'm paraphrasing But he got himself worked up so hard About his lie and what it would mean If it was real that like kids were actually dying

Because you made fun of Frank Dukes You're gonna be kicking yourself in the ass If you ever end up in a North Korean jail The only person that could save you was Frank Dukes Well well well Look who it is Oh this is bad news I guess I should say I'm sorry

But like will that even make a difference Is the damage done is irreversible You're already inside me aren't you Frank Dukes Frank Dukes was a real guy As though we need to say that Because we made fun of him on a podcast Making fun of another podcast That he was on

We did a podcast exception I would like to update It was a ninjutsu podcast Where he went on and they both Just like sidetracked themselves Bitching about like the inner circle Complaints and gossip of the ninjutsu world The clicky ninja world

It was fantastic Look at that ninjutsu Slammed drama The ninjas can't even transform into horses Fucking bunch of clowns They never came after us For that but I am happy to report That they deleted their entire group

And tried to delete their podcast off of the internet However They forgot to delete the source Where they kept it I just got really upset That I didn't know about this podcast So I'm happy again Don't worry I ripped a copy just in case

And I will keep it until I die I always feel bad when like you destroy someone You know it's like one thing to make fun of them But it's another when they're like I'm just going home I'm just going home where nobody makes fun of me for being a ninja Because I'm all alone Fucking fuck them

You know at the end of the day Alright Frank Dukes was a real guy He insists Bloodsport was a true story That's a real ninja anyway And I would like to just real quickly Go over the key components to his life That are reflected in Bloodsport He says he was trained as a ninja

By Senzo Tanaka And that was to win the Kumite in 1975 I'm not going to debunk him Because so many other people have debunked him Expert researchers say He actually did not win the Kumite In 1975 Because the Kumite did not exist

And he was not actually trained As a ninja by Senzo Tanaka In part because Senzo Tanaka didn't exist Couple of holes in the story But otherwise that nobody can prove Any stage of your story ever existed Is just

Fucking great ninjutsu quite frankly Still there's a lot of prestige Winning a tournament that you can say It's so secret nobody even knows about it Like if you win that that's obviously very prestigious And not something a six year old might say About Senko And then you make a career

Of telling everybody about it As for being the elite military super weapon He did serve as a marine For six years As a reserve I was going to say that's kind of badass But I held on to that You knew the rest of that sentence

Was coming up on you like Frank Dukes In a cell He claims to have been recruited by the CIA And received the Medal of Honor All of this builds up the Frank Dukes Of Bloodsport to be this indispensable asset Of war that they can't afford to lose He of course did neither of those things

And he was discredited by several High ranking actual military officials And the four real Director of the CIA Have they won kumates? Yeah Of course Whitaker showed up and Didn't corroborate his story

Did not I love it so much The actual director of the CIA Took time out of his day to say Frank Dukes Is full of shit I love it He made a note that Bloodsport rules That it wasn't

Historically accurate He's fucking sweet He's fucking sweet We'll give him a medal of honor For those splits Let the record also show We don't know why you added the true story part It could have just been a kick ass thing

And everyone loved it Why did you do this to yourself? I would argue that's part of the magic I was going to say We kind of bought it It's so compelling Once you see that based on a true story Your brain just evokes

This amazing world That like It's so secret in the shadows I think that was a great move I specifically remember selling the movie On that basis to people And get this It fucking happened

See that brings up a great part I didn't realize it was a true story For many years I saw Bloodsport when I was 10 years old And didn't realize it was a true story Because who reads movies? A bunch of dorks Probably into like my

Mid 20s I want to say So I went like 15 years With pure just not polluted Bloodsport in my head Before realizing Frank Dukes Was even a guy But you guys all like the first time you watch it You're like oh this absolutely happened

Absolutely yes I have hurt myself with nunchucks On many an occasion because if you tell me That there's a 10% outside chance That if I try hard enough And young enough That I can be some kind of ultimate weapon I'm going to take it to heart

And believe that it is real And just like Frank Dukes I didn't actually do anything I just shadowboxed Poorly In my backyard And then got my ass kicked The first chance that I could

I've got this now I have shadowboxed If I can beat a shadow I can beat anybody Not only that I believe Frank Dukes Is real but I believe that Doing the splits was the The hole in my karate game

That you have to be filled If I could just learn how to do this I will be invincible I did the exact same thing I felt just Completely in love With Van Damme To say non-sexually

But that would be a lie It was a little play I was a chubby kid And I started doing the splits Until I could hit them just all the way to the ground Because I was convinced that was like The secret to life Chris Farley style

Once I could do that I started Wrapping my feet and fists in ace bandages Dude All day with the ace bandages Big boxer style Like you look like Cigar from the video

Yeah, I had them too Not for medical purposes I remember My roommate At the time It was my family's Had a rumor Got mad at me

For raiding his first aid kit So I could make wraps We might meet that for an emergency This is an emergency And I Used them I started collecting milk jugs So I could fill them with water

And like red food coloring And I hung them like high from my back porch So that I could practice spin kicking head so hard They exploded That was like my training I was convinced this is Very important to my adult life If you could make those Kolei jugs explode

You are a master Do you realize that if we were born Like now All of this shit we're talking about would be online This would be available To the public to see Chubby Robert doing spin kicks at his backyard Me on that

Sean I know you've seen this You know the martial arts catalog like splits machine they had With the crank I'd be doing that on tiktok Just ripping my fucking groin out And all of us would have to commit suicide by the time we were 20 I was so close to it happening I'm 30

I was 3 years out From potentially having it be on the internet Instead I did other embarrassing shit on the internet But like I was 3 years out From people watching me punch a wall cry And then have my mom wrap my hand That's a close call

I had my filters and shit I was like I was playing hooky And going to Chinatown because that's where they would sell me weapons And then I just like Had a bunch of weapons under my bed I don't know what I was going to do with it I was like 13, 14

And I had like a ninja star And nun chucks And then literally recently I went to Chinatown again And my husband got nun chucks from a man That gave him a card that said If you ever need an emergency katana Here is my personal number And it is the same one that I used to buy weapons from

That's a vengeance emergency It's 3 in the morning It's like a ninja 3 the domination type shit Yes You still have this card Oh yeah, he saved it So if he ever needs a katana immediately We have the guy

Now I'm amazed that hasn't come up yet Not once Katana related emergency circumstances Yeah it would just be purely ninja based There's no other reason Some asshole brought 40 watermelons To the barbecue We need that katana

And does he show up like a streets of rage Like npc Does he just pull up in a car and drop a sack on the ground And peel out Can't see his face Hides in a trash can Did everybody else have Come through weapon arsenals

Cause I had mine too just like I fucking still do I have a pair of nun chucks in my When did that start What age do you think As young as I can remember I had ninja weapons Yeah absolutely

We always had one ninja star floating around You could sneak one into the house and hide it Just like finesse is talking about If your dad found it you'd be like No I need that I'm not a ninja without it We'd make that paper The paper one Yeah the four

Orgami ninja stars You have to look up a special way to fold it To make it deadly Weapons for a little while And I would make my own I used to make my own bows That are like sticks in the woods Oh yeah Just like Rambo

Just like Rambo I always had the weapons around Right now I have Within reach I have several throwing stars And numb chucks Shit I have a sword right behind me I'm so used to seeing it right there That it's just

Totally forgot that it was there I'm touching numb chucks Right now You asked the right people Brockway Like literally through my window I see our gardening katana Which is a katana that we left outside and it rested So we use it to whack weeds when they're too tall

I'm going to give you guys a little ninja ASMR Are you ready? Oh That gave me the tangles That was his groin puller That was his splits machine That was his machine splitter Franking open that

That was a very dusty sword Being re-sheathed Sheathed it and just an explosion What they don't show you When you take a long forgotten Vow of vengeance is the dust cloud The dust you're like god damn it I told myself that was the last time

See I don't have any weapons Currently because I got all of my weapons I used to live in Southern California With all of my weapons from Tijuana And not the highest quality Ninja 2 weapons From Tijuana

Did you just break in combat? Yes, absolutely I would throw ninja stars and they would immediately bend I would get like a little Tangles sword And I had one of those that I managed to sneak past My mom and apparently Border patrol I don't know how the fuck

I got back with all of these things You are a successful mule look at you I thought it was cute Look at this kid, he's got the little baby He's getting away with it Little baby mini-katana Look at him try not to look nervous We gotta let him through

We gotta let this white boy kill himself Of a Tijuana katana I don't know if your younger viewers Quite understand how huge Ninja weapons and ninja related Things were in our Childhood No way we have any younger listeners

But If we did there's no way they could Conceive of how Important like what was the first time You saw Bloodsport You remember like having an impact Definitely yes I was

I think nine ten years old And Whenever we had Back then we used to have almost like weekly family Reunions at someone's house Like a bunch of family members With load in and then all the kids would hang out In the garage and the older kids would take over

Like the activities and I Worship them so I wanted to do whatever it was And it was usually video games Or Sometimes watching things that I was like holy And prepared for like Scarface And one day they were Watching Bloodsport specifically

And I remember being specifically Captivated because I'd seen a lot Of action movies with like Steven Seagal types at the helm But that was the first time I'd ever seen A man that was also like Pretty not handsome

But like pretty pretty Just you know big pouty lips Giant eyes like it was the first time I saw an action hero that was like Strong and cool But for like a young hormonal me Pretty And so I sat and watched the entire thing

And it like follows a thing That I loved a lot at the time in anime Which are like tournament arcs It was a thing in Yuu Hakusho Everything had a tournament arc So it was like the easiest way To get me stuck on something And I was obsessed

Like the idea of something happening Under your nose and it took this thing That in my brain was solely anime And made it real I The obsession specifically went on to Jean-Claude Van Damme before it went to like Everything else but I was like

That's the ultimate mixture of like Grace and strength He did look like a boy band Kicking ass that was like maybe the first time I think maybe the primary adjective To describe him would just be smooth He just looks He's like a pearl

He looked like a sea creature In a good way He's a merman How did we never cast him as a merman That kicks ass With some Faustian covenant That's why he's so good with the splits He dedicates life to those legs

That's true He's never used his voice He can do the splits no problem No problem I don't know what you guys are talking about I never noticed how beautiful he was It's going to hit you the next time And you're going to be ruined

You totally went to the mirror And tried to like do the Underwear poll that he did Pulling your cheeks out Making a little basket out of your underwear Giving out a little show Right before you put it away That's my favorite cutaway

Clearly the director hadn't said action yet So Van Dam was just sitting there waiting For like to go ahead They filmed half of it They left a little lag and it's like 3, 2, 1, go And then he went He was waiting for them to say go

Only they did it quietly with a point Yeah Because everyone was like breathless Yeah they were all like Please God let this moment go on To be on the set that day Don't roll it yet The director's like

Okay hold it here Hold Almost there Every movie that he was in You can almost feel everyone Being kind of horny for him In a way that I feel like His

The fact that he was so horny for himself Made it ahead of its time Because even when a woman walked in As like sexy woman You can almost see him like Emotionally palming her away with being like No but my ass Your ass doesn't matter

I was watching double indemnity The amount of times that I keep forgetting That there is a woman in the room Or a woman in that sex scene Because it just feels like Van Dam Is so ahead of its time He's given us what we want He knows what the deal is

He knows so hard he went and started a movie About his attractive selves meeting Yeah He was released several times He was like okay I can make whatever movie I want now He's like first thing I want a second me And we open on like bouncing leotard ass

I don't know about open Van Dam But we'll get it in there No we're gonna open on it And I'm going to be explaining My legs and butt to a group of Giggling women That's a really good movie Opening Jean-Claude

You've got really great ideas And then there's a second me Approved Keep going I remember the first time I watched Bloodsport With my most karate friend Nate I remember as soon as we turned it off

We both looked at each other and went We have to go outside and fight now And ran outside And the most spirited fighting Trying to pull off moves we had only seen For the first time then And just spin kicking each other I just beat the shit out of each other

After that You go for the split punch, the Johnny Cage Of course The first time you realize I can't do the splits I really like the move where Jean-Claude Does the flying splits And then Chongli does the somersault underneath them A lot of kids can pull that off

That's the move you practice When you're 10 I'm gonna do the splits in the air And you somersault under me Maybe we need a trampoline to start But we'll get there So sweet Alright how about

Bloodsport changed everything Everybody realized this is a great idea And from 1988 on Everything was Bloodsport ripoff So how about Your favorite Bloodsport ripoff It was got it Any medium

Shoot Fighter Someone clearly saw Bloodsport And said I'm gonna make exactly Bloodsport And they kind of had more of a street fighter element Because some of the fighters were Like supernatural There was a snake guy And there was a guy named Book

And he just couldn't be hurt I like that movie There's a movie called Blood Fight Starring Bolo Young as Get this Chongli They didn't give a shit Oh I love that

There's this guy He directed a movie called Fighting Black Kings Which was a documentary It looked like a documentary he made About these British white guys Who entered a full contact karate tournament And everyone got fucked up by these What a great concept

He completely changed the direction Of his documentary once he found these guys And so it's called Fighting Black Kings So this director was obsessed with the idea Of a martial arts tournament for years And it's basically he made that movie And then Blood Fight And then a bunch of other garbage that isn't as good

But that's one of my favorites Bolo Young is such a weird guy Because his name's not Bolo Young Either, right? Because he changed his name to Bolo After he was in Enter the Dragon As Bolo I did he started an article about him As Chongli

He's kind of fascinated in an article about him On One In Hundred Hot Dog Where he just kind of goes with the flow He's like okay I was in Enter the Dragon They call me Bolo, my name's Bolo now Everyone loves Bloodsport I just do like 25 more movies like Bloodsport As Chongli

That's the same guy That's my life story So I was thinking about it It's wonderful that I've kind of changed history Like Mortal Kombat But when it comes to action Some of my favorite moments are found In Direct to Video

And this isn't like a direct rip But it definitely takes from the kumite Element And it's Undisputed 3 Redemption A movie that I adore And is bittersweet for me since finding out That Scott Atkins has a case of the Brainworms But it's the third in the series

And has anybody seen it? I haven't seen 3 Yeah, I didn't get that far So I really enjoyed the Undisputed series It's one that I learned about during the pandemic And I went from like kind of liking it Because the first one starred Michael J. White To loving it when it got to the third one

Because the heel from the first movie Becomes like the hero of the third And it's Yuri Boyka, the most complete fighter And that's it His name is in the subtitle The subheading in one of them, right? It is It's that he is the most complete fighter

And everyone keeps repeating it And he basically Has to make his way Through a series of prison fights In which everyone is like the best of their style From like People that know 13 blocks Which is like prison fighting

To like Wusha There's Marcos Aror Who's like one of the absolute best Kaipo era Fighters right now That he's like the final fight And he's amazing Hard to find the space For a Kaipo era training in a prison, I imagine

That's not a great, it's not very conducive Yeah, he's like the main guy That he's trying He's basically like the Chongli Of this scenario And you even have like the hot-headed American fighter Whose name is Turbo And he's the one that knows 13 blocks

Oh, he has a prison style Exactly, and it's Oh, Lateef Crowder is also in it It's very good, but This is Kaipo era I mixed him up with Zaror who's kind of a mix of everything Which is why he's so dangerous Lateef Crowder is in it

As Kaipo era, he's the one that's amazing at it But Imagine a blood sport except every single one Of the on-screen fighters are like the best In their industry right now And that's why undisputed 3 is so good Like even when a lot of it is bullshit They still got the best on-screen

Fighters in their style For every one of these So there are moments in which you were like standing And cheering because you cannot believe you saw a fight That fucking good And it only exists in direct to Video Yeah, they pop up as suggested from me

All the time and for whatever reason I don't believe them and I'm like I don't know if this is the one The first two were like eh The third one is where it's at because of like The kumite aspect I feel like they did a hard pivot The first one was

Was that the one that had like Wesley Snipes and Ving Reims I might have Yeah And then they just went nuts These are blood sport movies now A lot of direct to video Blood sport rules

Direct to video has weird pivots in their action stuff Because like undisputed became super blood sporty Universal soldier Another Vandam thing The third one I don't know how else to say it But it is one of the best action movies I've ever seen And also an incredible examination of how grief destroys you

Oh wow You always make a mistake huh It's universal soldier day of reckoning And it is astoundingly good Oh you got um Mother fuck Dolph Lundgren in it as well So it's Dolph Lundgren, John Claude Van Damme

And Scott Atkins And the beginning has a POV beat down in which you are The character that is being beaten to death And it is Haunting Yeah that's my fetish That's worse than it's gonna be

Dolomite Right Zach, what's yours? My second favorite POV shot of all time Um, I might be And I've actually almost suggested this to you guys before But that Where's Cavalry, I was just trying to give you a flashback

When Dolomite made love to you That weird shadowy Like lean He's got over you bad lighting Where's Cavalry to keep my girls Where's Cavalry to keep my girls That's the shed collapses on you Did you guys ever see

The TV show WMAC Masters Fuck yeah, yes Okay good, good, we're all on the same page That is like a show made And by and starring Entirely people who believed in Bloodsport Yes It's like well what if this guy

So here's my favorite thing about WMAC Masters None of the characters are Real They present Like Mortal Kombat type archetypes Like one guy's a cyborg, but he's not really a cyborg He just wears cyborg shit And that's acknowledged in the show

He's like oh I wear all this metal parts Because that's I'm the mecha god And it's got like shoot fighter actors in it And it's like all a who's who of like Straight to video movie villains So I love him for that The guy that Chang-Soon stole his soul like in Mortal Kombat He like established the stakes in Mortal Kombat

Like you can die here I think he both staffed in Shoot Fighter 2 I'm not in the video game but I'm about to die That's how you know I'm about to die I think a lot of mocap guys For Mortal Kombat were in that show too

It was like a real who's who And they tried to have like a scripted Game show Like a gamified blood sport That was like half soap opera Half It's such a weird show It had like a pro wrestling energy

But it was in a way that it was hard to understand What their conceit was What their fiction was It's just like Am I supposed to know their actors I mean we all do But I mean like are they putting on a show In their universe

Or I just don't get what's happening The rules of the game didn't make any sense We're all just going to beat up ninjas until Time? I don't know Like how do we score this And sometimes we'll work together But other times we'll seem to be competing against each other We'll never fight each other though

And they had like a night wolf type guy Like just over the top Native American Like it's a great cast of characters It's definitely worth The whole series is probably on YouTube If I had to guess Exactly as I responded I was seeing Bloodsport and he and my friend ran outside

To fight immediately He saw Bloodsport and was like we have to do this But maybe some other thing And then ran out to make a TV show And found themselves like Oh shit It feels like two eleven year olds Who just got unlimited budget

And like this is what they do I'm really excited by Bloodsport Bloodsport but with a robot You know that kind of It's perfect Let's do an episode There is a There is exactly that

Arena is my favorite Bloodsport red ball Yeah Bloodsport in space With aliens Also cyborgs Like everybody's pulled from fucking doom And it

Yeah they're gruesome in a very doom like way Yeah they're like Like demonic Amalgamations of creature and machine Yeah they didn't make like just aliens Everything's like a boss monster Yeah Earth dipshit

To fight them in their magical Science arena His name is Steve Armstrong Steve Armstrong When you know the brainstorming session Was cut a bit short I would really give Anything in the universe to someday have

Earth dipshit as my lower third That's That Steve did I don't know He's a headhunter An earth dipshit Those rounded pounds My favorite part of arena

Is that it's the 1989 Sci-Fi action movie So it was one year after Bloodsport And they were just like Fuck yes Bloodsport Wait Bloodsports in space Let's go there's no time We're ready

We're ready tomorrow And they did They went and made it immediately Which probably explains why about half of that movie Sucks a lot and it's just like What life is like on the station And how the fight betting works And it's just

100% agree like the greatest idea And just for the most part poorly executed They do a lot of like Yeah it's so lovable They do a lot of great world building in that World building but they They really went for it like when they go to their bars You've got like music

And it's like that really bad Sci-Fi music like They try to be futuristic with it like future jazz You know what it is It's like 12 year olds tried to make WMAC Because when they were 11 They're just fuck it do it and then at 12 They're like no I have some questions about how this universe works

And then they answered way too old We need to have a Frodo In there or like a Bilbo Baggins Type character We can go on the journey with them Anyway it's just If you haven't seen arena at rules It's just a guy slap fighting huge puppets

And It's Bloodsport and it's in space And stars Claudia Christian Who I guess is the patron saint Of our site now One of the things I love about arena Is he should have died in the first match It's clear these guys have the strength of like 20 apes

They're just these massive Star monsters and he's like 170 pound earth man Somebody has forgotten about the world building Of arena Handicap raised That was his journey He was like

He believed in himself so much that he could do it Without the handicap so he just Beats the crap out of a real minotaur I understand you explained in the text I'm just saying I'm just saying It's really hard The real handicap was in you the whole time

God damn it You lack of believing yourself They're dumb answers They're bad answers that I argued they shouldn't have put in there And it would have been better if the handicap Array was just not a factor And as was all of it Like they didn't learn the best lesson from Bloodsport

Which is that you got like 20 minutes Of setup and then it's all the rest has to be fighting It's all fights Every single Bloodsport ripoff misses that That fact Which is the most important thing About Bloodsport And Bloodsport I think established the stakes

That hey this guy wants to be the best fighter and now he's going to fight But then they added some stakes With like the army trying to get him Which I think they didn't need And yet when you watch all the other Bloodsport movies You're like they don't have a thing like that And they suck So maybe that's the little element that makes Bloodsport

So special It has so much other extra stuff That I'll bring up and people will forget Because they'll be like oh yeah there's the army thing And the romance thing And the American guy almost dying and I'm like Yeah and the fact that he was trained Blind because his training partner

Died because he's going In honor of Mr. Tanaka And they're like oh my god I forget about the fact That he has an entire training montage And backstory Involving a dead brother type figure The training montage within the flashback Montage

That's right Nested montages Two-layer deep Inception style I think it was like 15 minute long Montage It's like half the movie There's like nothing outside of that

It's what's great Here's everything We've folded time to show you His entire journey so that we can get right to kicking Like the metal in this blade We have folded time And anyway He used all of it too

The blindfolding shit they didn't waste a single minute of that training The splits All of it paid off From his master that was surely meant to He was trying to improve his sense If you expect me to be his punching bag You can't forget it The stupid accent

The stupid accent paid off He never lost that accent My favorite thing about every 25 years of America Every van den movie Has to have some kind of a throwaway line That explains away the accent Yeah

He's like you know when my mom and dad split Dad took you to France and I stayed New Jersey Now you're from New Orleans I guess I mean that's might as well that's close Right When you got your throat ripped out by that back Rebuild your vocal chords with a Frenchman's neck

It's so needless To make him just Everybody's moved here from Brussels Same as Arnold Schwarzenegger Everybody just moved here From somewhere else It's a melting pot I also did not learn that lesson

From Bloodsport that you get to the good part I get to the point Right away Now that we've had an entire podcast About Bloodsport Here's the point of this podcast of Bloodsport We're playing Bloodsport the home game We are

Adapting the perfect movie, Bloodsport Into the perfect medium for it Tabletop role-playing games Fuck yeah We're running a Bloodsport campaign Using D&D 5e Sorry He slipped it in there

We're gonna do it You told Zach if he was gonna do that voice I was gonna do the Fat Albert voice the whole show We're running a Bloodsport campaign Using D&D 5e And I am the Blood master Blood master

That's too gnarly I'm not gonna live up to that I'm the sport master I'm the blood guy You're the sneaky tooth man I'm Mr. Bloodsport The tooth master The guy who runs shit

I'm the guy who's gonna run the shit And Vanessa, Zach, and Sean The Black Dragon Society That's what it is We got it already Teamwork Vanessa, Zach, and Sean, you are the players Of course, it would be wild if you weren't

And I invited on you just to rub it in To be like, I'm gonna do something awesome with somebody else See you guys later I have some questions Go ahead Is Sassy Female Reporter a character class? No, it is not See, here's how it's gonna work

There's one further twist You will be making your own character sheets You will be speaking and taking actions for yourselves You will be separate characters But you will not be separate entities Instead Each of you will embody one of the core elements Of Frank Dukes

Oh shit Oh my god This is quite a twist Frank Dukes presents himself to the world A little kick machine who caved in the torsos Of every single man, woman, and child Who has ever or will ever be born Amen

That's what he wants to be seen as Now what he really is Is just a childish manipulator and liar Obsessed with ninjitsu That's like his life today in practice However, he is also over the years I believe he started as a con man But over the years, he bought his own shit

I think he's so deluded now He actually believes some of his own bullshit And he seems to think some forms of Karate ninja magic are real And he is their master So with that in mind I will sue you if you try With that in mind, any good Frank Dukes

Must be made up of three parts A ninjitsu liar A karate shaman And an unstoppable kick machine Those are your character archetypes I play an unstoppable kick machine in real life So maybe I don't want that Now we can choose

Who gets what now And if anybody is deeply passionate about one You can just fight for whatever you get And we'll do another hour of podcast about that Or we can do it randomly Whichever you guys want to do Vanessa, what are you feeling? Do any of those call to you?

Ninjitsu liar Kick dispenser And what was the other one? A karate shaman And an unstoppable kick machine I'm not going to lie Ninjitsu liar is calling to me Like something

The 12 year old in me That desperately believed Every lie about how other 12 year old Said they were in the CIA Or that their brothers Had a jar of molly and I couldn't see it Like I want to I want to tap into that shithead

But Random Adds an element of unscripted chaos That Blood sport often feels like Because nobody knows how to talk like people So I'm thrilled in either direction

What do you guys think? Passionate about any class over the other Yeah, I'm feeling karate shaman Like that's I will play Unstoppable kick machine I feel like it's A little on the nose

Why don't we switch? I'll be unstoppable kick machine I insist Let's take your first choice And I will be a kick machine It's something I know I've been training for this my whole life This is like you picking TURTLE power It's just like an easy win

It hurts to be typecast But It does get you work Keep in mind these are your archetypes But it is up to you To build characters that fit that archetype Okay All I ask

You're going to find your own way to get to To get to ninja Liar, karate shaman and unstoppable kick machine All I ask Is that All of your names be some pollution of Frank Dukes How and why Is up to you

Now I understand this is going to make Gameplay logistics confusing for people If you're all aspects of Frank Dukes How can you talk to yourselves Cooperate in battle Saving each other Splitting locations If you're going to try to picture all of this

Happening as one guy It's going to make Frank Dukes look like some sort of Crazy liar Do you see where I'm going Do you see where I'm going Is it that Frank Dukes is a Crazy liar? Maybe

Maybe this is going to be Listening to a Frank Dukes story where you're like Wait a minute, but if you did that And then Question about how the name Needs to be similar As like a version of Frank Dukes

So what a Francine ducks work Sure, I love it My name is Fraud Kicks That's perfect Just a neat letter swap Just keep it simple The karate shaman Yeah, karate shaman

We've already locked it down For Let's do a little section for the D&D nerds You're all going to be starting at level 5 You can use any rules as a written source Feel free to homebrew for flavor But if you want to do mechanical changes We can talk about that as needed

If any of you are not huge dorks And don't understand that Speak now or forever hold your peace Oh yeah, I assume there's some like online shit I could do To I've got resources I am not a huge nerd in this way I am in other ways

But I'm in it for the journey I'm going to use the mega damage girps system So I'm going to be Pretty powerful guys You're okay But happy to walk any of you through Making your characters

We're going to be using D&D beyond and roll 20 Oh, I'm super familiar with both Great I'm going to download fucking chrome plugins for this Shit Yes The pitch shift was great there But

They're official blood sport Chrome extensions You're back on board And We're doing level 5 because that's where characters get their major specialization So feel free to really diversify Any authorized Thing, any authorized expansion

Race, you can change names for your skills Really make them your own And also Just appreciate that The next time we speak You will all be significantly more Frank Dukes than you were before So let us take a moment of silence

To both appreciate and mourn that fact It's a hundred Frank first And the podcast comes out And with Maximalim Say Frank first podcast Correct Yes

The practice is not done without Send it to the dog For an hour Come on Jean You can do it It's a hundred Frank first It's a hundred

Frank first August was Dolomite month on the hot dog discord So we thought it'd be fun to let Dolomite Write one of these Mules have kicked them Didn't bruise their hide Rattlesnake spit them, they just crawled off and died The handcuffed lightning split the raging sea

These here are the motherfucking Hot dog Supremes Three finger loy Aaron Croson is a bad motor scooter Adrian H Aiden Moet Alpha Sciences Java you rat sweet mother fucker UnAndy

Andreas Larson Armando Nava Benjamin Sironin Bim Talzer Brandon Garlock thinks you need to move over and let him pass Before they be pulling these hush puppies out your ass Brian Saylor If Brian Whitney ever sees a ghost

She'll cut the motherfucker Brockway loves the meat milling All hell yeah he does Sarah Rev Chance McDermott don't wear no fucking cotton drawers Chris Brower Curious glare

Dan B is so bad he kicks his own ass twice a day Dean Costello Dr. Rockwood Eric Spalding knows why I'm not doing the voice Fancy Shark Jell-O Greg Cunningham is his name And fucking up motherfuckers is his game

Ambo Haraka Hot Fart Jay Burrell Aiden is a low down oh I can't say this one Jacob Thornberg is a snake eating yellow No I can't do that one either James Boyd saw a white woman Nope Jeff Harasky is so black

No Jeremy Neil once dated a pastor's daughter And he's oh god My man John Dean's wife is so Not doing that one John Hector McFarlane Met this deaf girl one time And holy shit Dolomite no

John McCammon thinks you're such a mama's boy You know skipping that one If John Minkoff was in Mississippi now Josh Fabian is a mother fucking No can't see any of those words Here Josh S Hopes you ain't as cold as the windy city Because the way he feels now baby

He sure could warm you up Oh that's a nice one, thanks for getting this out of that Josh Ken Paisley K&M M. Jaihi Chappelle just wants to see a honky dance Matt Riley Max Barroil get behind you Get in front of you too

Michael Lair Michael Wells, Mickey Lohman, Mike Stiles Mojoo once walked from New York City to deep deep south just to slap a son of a bitch straight in the mouth Andy Neil Bailey Neil Schaefer Nick Ralston wants you to listen

and listen well he's that bad mother fucker drove the devil out of hell Nick H Ozzy Olen Patrick Herbst Rain Vargas Rhiannon's been known to rise up but we'll cool down later Sarkovsky spotty reception

Ted H Timmy Lay is a no-business born and secured jock-jawed mother fucker Toast you got Tom Sikula thinks you're bad and you ain't got no class He's gonna rock this shotgun up your mother fucking ass Tommy G

Whalen Russell Yasarian once you out of here in 24 hours and baby 23 of them are already gone And Donald Finney don't want no dilapidated seep-sap and pigeon-toed cross-eyed and bow-legged son of a guns are messing with him