The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - Dogg Zzone 9000 - Episode 95, The Underground Comedy Movie with Abe Epperson

Episode Date: October 12, 2022

Seanbaby invites Brockway and guest Abe Epperson to watch and discuss Vince Offer's Underground Comedy Movie for some reason. Probably revenge?

One nine hundred hot dog. One nine hundred hot dog. Our podcast slams with maximum hype. Say hot dog podcast work. Yeah. When you taste that nitrate power, you're in the dog zone for an hour. Come on.

You know the number. One nine hundred. One nine hundred hot dog. One nine hundred hot dog. One nine hundred. One nine hundred hot dog. One nine zero zero zero. Yeah.

Nine thousand. Welcome to the dog zone nine thousand. The official zone of one nine hundred hot dog dot com. The last comedy website. Go to our Patreon and support the text and picture delivery of jokes. Or ignore me and watch the internet burn down to outrage. Click ash. I'm the world web's Sean baby.

And I'm joined by Robert. Yes. Follow-up questions. Brockway. Sure. We'll have some follow-up questions. Here's a Brockway fact. The Scientologist who scanned me said I had the biggest body Theatons he'd ever seen on a man.

Well, I have no follow-up questions to that. That is. Yeah. That's why I figured this was perfect. It's a complete story. Well, we're joined by the multi-talented writer, director, producer whose work you've seen or heard on cracked or small beans.

Abe Epperson. Hey, thanks for having me dog zone. Hey, it's our pleasure. I like how you when you say a is your introduction kind of sounds like your name. Like you're going. Many years of people yelling hey in crowded areas and me going like why these people are calling my name.

I'm so popular. I'm so fucking popular. But then I like if you say your name too fast, you say ape, which adds a fun bonus. Yep. Had a lot of fun with my name over the years. Yeah, I imagine my name. But I'm got absolutely going to pronounce it ape.

Mm hmm. Yeah. Is that does that bring back nice childhood memories or frustrating childhood memories? No, it's it's all it's all good. I know. I know what I am, which is a clown. So, so, you know, to me sounds like a really affectionate

fucking buddy name. Mm hmm. Like, like, uh, like if a person by the 30th year we've had together, I will call you ape and like mean it in the most loving way. And a single tear will drop from my eye and I'll be like this we're friends forever now. This is going to stick.

This is going to feel it and I will devour that tear and whisper in your ear how I have your strength and you would the strength of an ape. That's how you steal the strength of an ape. That's you drink its kiss. It's tears. I've read that wiki how that is how you capture the strength of an ape.

Wiki how to capture the strength of an ape. Look it up. Mm hmm. So what are you working on these days? Well, you mentioned the small beans thing, which is, you know, me and my my writing partner, Michael Swain. We like to, you know, run our podcasts and stuff like that. You know, just like everyone does, all comedians do.

So that's our, that's my main plug right now, I guess. But other than that, man, I'm just trying to stay above water in these terrible, in this terrible soup that we got going. That is our economy. You know what I'm saying? Sure. Yes.

Trying to make money. World is falling apart and I'm trying to make ends meet. We got a movie that we're trying to make right now. It's called, it used to be called The Furry Movie, but now it's called Papa Bear. And it's an autobiographical kind of comedy based around Michael Swain, where he found out when he was a teenager that his dad was furry.

And so that's, you know, just tons of comedy going on right there. So yeah, we're doing that. Michael Swain like has so many layers of mystery to him. It's too much. Like every time I hang out with Michael Swain, I learned something fascinating. Yeah.

I told him to stop. And he doesn't. Dense with personality. Yeah. He's a pemicin of personality. Just an enigma inside an onion. You know, that's how it works. I do want to watch that movie.

Yeah, it's going to be awesome. I don't know if I've read the current script, but I read one script and it was great. I loved it. Yeah. It's definitely changed, but we're going to, we're going to Sally forth and we're going to make it. We're going to, we're going to do the independent movie thing.

But enough about that stuff. That's just cool stuff that's going on in my life. Enough about good movies. Let's talk about the underground comedy movie. Holy fuck you guys. Let's talk about, let's talk about Papa bear for two more hours. Hell yeah. Yeah.

I think this was a bad idea. I've had this movie for so long and I was, I've never really watched it to completion and I thought. You never even watched this to completion before telling us to you motherfucker. Yeah. No, I really blew it. You're right to be angry.

And I thought, because it's got such a weird backstory because this was a movie made by Vince offer who, I mean, this guy could live to be 700 years old and he'd still be called the Shamuel guy. He's the Shamuel guy. He was born offer Shlomi and the offer part is real. Yeah. The offer, it sounds like, oh, my name's Vince.

Cause he's also sometimes called Vince Shlomi and it feels like Shlomi's not a great like show of his name, but for an infomercial guy offers just a perfect name. That's apparently that's his original first name. You know what? I don't know. Wikipedia for this guy is, it doesn't feel very accurate. However, the third sentence of it has the unchallenged statement

that the underground comedy movie is considered by some as one of the worst films of all time. It's just like before we get anywhere and the Wikipedia for this, let's just, we just want to let you know this fucking sucks. Unchallenged. You mean there's no like citation needed or anything there. They're just like, yeah.

There's no one arguing it. Yeah. Even, even Vince has not come on the site and been like, guys, come on. Is it really that bad? It is. I promise. I several times while watching this actually closed my eyes and

like took a breath. I couldn't watch another minute of it. That's how bad it is. A lot of times I'll have to, I just do this anyway, but I'll have to stop what I'm doing and go move, go move around the house. I swear to God, I walked like three miles trying to watch this fucking movie.

Just every taking breaks in the middle of like two minute long sketches to just go, just take a lap, just going to go take a lap. I got to, I got to hype myself up to go back in there and watch the rest of this fucking sketch. It took me four hours to watch this goddamn movie. It took so long. I did have the thought that this, if there was one viewer

come joke, this would, this might be a masterpiece, but they just got so self indulgent, you know? Yeah. Just one too many come jokes. They flew too close to the sun. Right. Right. That's the only thing holding it back and not the next four

hours of discussion we're going to have about it. Yeah. I'm sure, I mean, while we've all produced comedy, we all know how it works and doesn't work. And no one with our skill set was involved in making this whatsoever. Yeah. Nobody, they didn't ask anybody who's ever seen a joke

before. Is this a joke? Like, have I done a joke? They're like, oh, no, that's not even, that's not close. I think what you're doing is having some sort of breakdown and abusing another human being. Yeah. I feel like the way it was marketed, he marketed like it

was a sham wow. You might even remember these commercials if you're old enough. In 1999, it was just everywhere on TV. It was marketed directly to the consumer like a, you know, monster ballads type of CD collection. It was never in theaters. I think it might have screened in one theater.

It was reviewed six times. Let's see. I have some notes on how it did. It did quite badly. Most people who reviewed the movie. I could have guessed what your notes said. Oh, Jesus. Okay.

So the saga that led to this movie was him basically having a bunch of money from infomercials and then spending half a million of it on this movie, which was a remake of a public access show that he did about 10 or 12 years before. Which is, that's the fucking craziest thing in the world. That blew my mind. They saved that realization in the movie.

We kind of have to jump to the end of the movie where it's just the credits over a song and they're doing like car surfing or whatever. And it's clips of like their old, like it's like SCTV or something like that. Like public access television cameras kind of style. And nothing looks different. It's like they shot it the second time.

They shot it like all the sketches they cut to were the same. They shot some of the same like punch lines and the costumes and the actors. And like, that's such a twist to end this movie with like, we thought this was a good enough idea that like 15 years later, we did it again because you didn't get it. They're so great.

All of our ideas the first time were so great. God, it was amazing. I just, that's the biggest twist I've seen in a long time. That left me floored. He did mention at the end of the movie that this was for like the hardcore fans of his public access show. And of course everything has fans, but I could not find a trace of it.

Except for one guy who was in a sketch. I took a clip of the original public access show. I'd like to play it now. I'll talk you through when it's necessary. Thanks for coming down, all right. By the way, did I mention I remember saying, yeah, he did. And after, no, you didn't tell me that. That's great to know that.

Very funny dialogue. I happen to catch because I got a director's eye talent. It was a guy sweeping in the back. We want him. He's fantastic. Who is he? Where can I get all of them? You want the kid sweeping the floors in the background that

you saw in the reflection of a spoon? Yeah. Yeah, that's the guy. That's the guy we want. The guy in the back. Let's deal. I want him. Jeez, I don't remember a kid sweeping the floors in the background.

This is hilarious. This is an hilarious premise. Hey, that was cool, man. I was sweeping the streets for the shitty. Bill, can I call you right back? Great audio. Kid, we're going to make you a star. Put the cigar in the guy's mouth.

And that's the sketch. They went full on. Rob Evans, I love it. They get editing. They get editing. Like they get it. You know, they get the timing and pacing. Yeah.

So that's lines. They sure know how to. Herb. How to take step two of a joke. They sure know what that is. Just there's, there's none. I feel like it's not true that there's none. There's like four punchlines on this movie and every one of them

is an actual crime. Right. But aside from committing a possible hate crime, they have no idea what a punchline is. So sketches just kind of end like that. Okay. Well, we. Yeah, you've got the setup.

And we'll see you later. They will often have multiple setups. Like remember the godmother sketch in this movie? Yeah. They start off by doing a bit where it's like, oh, it's Italian and we can't understand what the godmother, who's like a parody of the godfather is saying, right? Right.

And they just bail on it. They just bail. That's it. That's the end of the sketch. And then they'll come back and be like, uh, maybe something, maybe something a little bit different this time. Maybe just boarded fetuses. Yeah.

Maybe it's a boarded fetuses. Nope. Probably not. Yeah, you're right. It turned out not to be that, but we're going to leave it in the movie. You can watch them take swings at it. It's incredible.

I mentioned that they got bad reviews, but what we're kind of circling around is something that was explained by a New York Times writer at the time when he, he said, Vince Offer makes the common mistake of equating the recognition of common potential for comedy itself for the successful talent bridges the gap. But here talent is absent, which is just brutal.

Because the fucking news, the fucking newspaper had to explain the basic concept of jokes to the guy who made a feature fucking comedy movie. Jesus. Yeah. I got nothing else to say. That's it. That's what I would have told this guy.

I love it. Like I miss when reviewers and critics were just like vicious with their burns. You know, like we don't get that shit that often. I picture him having exactly what I have in front of me now, which is like 2000 words of hate notes and then just like thinking about it for a long time and highlighting the whole thing and deleting it and then writing that sentence and being

like, writing shit saying much. He probably sensed like we all do that this is just like a guy who really wants attention and how any attention might be exactly what he wants. And then it's, then you have to like fine tune your criticism to be like, okay, when he,

when he Googles his name and finds this, I want him to get his feelings hurt. You know what I mean? And that, and that becomes like the writing challenge. And what he wants and is prepared for is somebody to be mad about how offensive he is. And he's ready for,

he's ready to thrive on that. So what you have to do is point out that you don't understand and never in this entire exercise, did you ever come close to understanding or even evolve your own understanding of what, what a joke might be. Yes. Yeah.

Okay. I go back and forth on that because to me there's this little bit of catharsis that keeps creeping in where I'm like, I'm, he's doing it to himself, but I don't want to wish ill on the guy because he's clearly got some issues. Like there's that,

the I hate LA song, right? He really puts the business on notice in that song. Right? Like nothing in the movie has a political statement. Really. It's just like what if boobs or farts or violence, right? And he's usually obscene with it and offensive. But there's like a several line riff on acting and casting that

he has in that song where he says like, I want to be famous. Maybe I should go to acting class or maybe I should get a role on Baywatch. If I kiss Hasselhoff's ass, I'll spread my asshole to get a reoccurring role. It's like clear that he has like a lot of pent up like issues with how Hollywood kind of,

I guess quote unquote works and he's like sticking it to the man all of a sudden. Cause you can tell it's raw that he didn't succeed. Like he wanted to be an actor. Super upset about it. But not enough to look up meter or how music works either. So I'm not going to look up comedy or how comedy works or music and how music works.

We're just going to go. I'm just talented. I want to mention, I think everyone sort of understands this, but like he's obviously trying to be offensive. Part of the marketing material is like, this is the most offensive movie ever made. And I want to remind everyone that in 1999 being offensive wasn't the same as it is now.

Because back then the moral, the oppressive moral majority was like Christian prudes who didn't want you to curse or show titties. So it's basically God nerds who you were trying to offend. So today, obviously nobody cares about those people. So when you're trying to be offensive today, it doesn't work because everyone knows you're, you know, trying to actually hurt people.

But this guy, I want to say that his offensive stuff at this point tends to have no actual targets. There is some like just raw racism, but even that tends to side on the non-racism side. It's just offensive in the way that like, oh, I'm going to really piss off your grandma. Which comes across as like a child,

like a naughty kid, not like politically motivated or smart or revolutionary or anything. I think that's mostly true, but I do think two instances, at least two instances, it definitely hates women, like outright. 100%.

Definitely hates women. You might not hate gay people or black people or abortion or whatever else it wants to cover. Definitely hates some women and probably committed some crimes against the homeless. Oh my God. In order to shoot this movie. Yes.

So there are two instances where it's not. We should get into it. I just wanted to sort of put that out at the start that like this guy was not, I don't think he was intentionally trying to hurt people, but he was just a grotesque piece of shit. And by today's standard, just real hate crimes. Yes.

Like bum fights hate crimes. Yes. Like these are not people to him. Like he does not think of a certain number of humans as actual people. He did. There was a lot of lawsuits involved with this movie. No.

I saw this at the tail end of the credits. He, I wrote this down on my notes. Let me scroll down here. Word for word. He says special acknowledgement to the writers of there's something about Mary, which broke new ground in cinematic comedy. Please return my promotional copy of the underground comedy movie.

Yeah. I wrote it all down too. Yeah. You got in 1997. You used enough of it already. So that was special enough, you know, immediately. I have to record all of this because that's completely insane. Yes.

He, he claims that the fairly brothers stole 14 of his bits for something about Mary. From a promotional copy of the movie from 1997, two years before this was ever released to a thud. Like nobody fucking bought this or wanted it. And he sued them. And he actually lost so hard that they made him pay the legal fees for the fairly brothers.

So it cost him $66,000. Also, I cannot imagine what he's talking about. Like if getting come in somebody's hair was central to a joke and something about Mary, but there's nothing like that in this movie. Some people get drenched in semen, but like none of them like style their hair with it. There's a certain type of untalented dipshit with nothing

to say who was convinced that like they've invented everything they cover here. So yes, like farts. I did something with farts and all I really presented you with was farts. That sound of a fart. So any joke that is made about farts is ripping me off. And that's totally what this was.

Like he saw a cum being used in that movie and was like, that's the first time I've seen come in a mainstream comedy. I'm the cum guy. I'm the cum guy. I invented cum. Yeah. I'm Bill cum. I invented it.

Bill cum. I don't think he's right. Give me money. And the court agrees. He did win a lawsuit against Anna Nicole Smith who saw the production and pulled out. And for context, this was around the same time she agreed to star in a reality show about her self-destruction after her

mummy husband finally died. Someone ran up to her in the camera and was like, can I just follow you around with this Bobby Trendy fellow? Well, you're fucking life self-destructs. And she's like, yes, but I'm not going to be in the underground comedy movie. Yes. And then, of course, a lot of people know this.

He sued the church of Scientology. And in this story, I think he's the good guy. Yeah, but it's kind of a con versus Godzilla thing. And whoever you root for, we all lose. And really the only correct thing to root for is the destruction of all parties and possibly yourself at the same time. Like two raccoons fighting in a dumpster.

Yeah. I'm not sure if I am a fan of either. But you're also, they're fighting on top of you and you're getting rabies the entire time. So you kind of, like you want them to die, but also yourself maybe to die. Just root for the bomb in that scenario. Yeah.

Exactly. This is a perfect analogy. I'm so glad we came to that. Yeah. I do think this might explain why nothing ever went well for him again. I think the Scientology is not someone you'd like frivolously attack.

Like they are full-on Inspector Gadget villains. So like his fucking life fell apart from the moment he attacked Scientology. It was not going well. He had a couple of weird breakouts and successes with him. It was not going well and whatever, some other product. But obviously God, he made this fucking nightmare movie.

Now he used the profits from this is how I've always seen it put to fight Scientology, which just complicates the morality. I feel like this is all $800 of it. Yeah. Whatever this made, which God, I hope it's nothing. It better have been nothing, but he did market it on television and God in that era.

Yeah. In the attitude era where all they're doing is showing, I'm sure they all they did was show tits and like come being thrown around a lot of 14 to 20 year olds in the 2000s. What a boss. Yeah. It wasn't a non-compelling commercial, but the only

sales stats I could find was that he sold 100,000 copies, which doesn't feel like that could have covered the massive marketing cost of running ads for like five years straight. It doesn't feel real. Yeah. It doesn't have no reason to think it's accurate. Like if you say 100,000 copies, I immediately assume

you're lying. Like it very rarely lands on such a neat number. Like if you said 85,000 copies, that's more believable. You're rounding up from like 18,000 copies. To me, it feels low. To me, it feels like he should have been pulling in like semi girls gone wild numbers. And those guys like bought an island.

Right. It looks so much like other things. Like it feels like, I mean, it's all sketches, right? So it feels like Kentucky Fried movie. And it's trying to talk about that. Right. And that's got its own, like that's a total other deal. But it's also like, I know what we were talking about

how he was, he was like accusatory of other people of stealing his ideas. I know I've seen the supermodels taking a dump sketch before done. Yeah, it's pretty based fucking level. It's as basic as it gets. I don't feel like that was in the boob tube, which was like a not, not quite as good as Kentucky Fried movie, but.

It's also like smacks of not another team movie and stuff like that. But like the caliber of the comedy. Right. Do you guys remember hardcore TV? It was a, I think it was an HBO show. Yeah. And it, it was very much this vibe.

It just, it definitely feels, it feels like so many things that happened around then you could see he was doing the like, I did this back in my, my show back in my public access show. So I must have invented this. Right. Let me remind everybody. When I don't even know the structure of a basic joke.

Right. Like the Batman and the Riddler thing. What a disaster. What is the structure? I guess the movie opens with a thick Asian accent reading the definition of satire, which is not a great sign that the movie opens with this kind of defensiveness. It's like, oh, are we going to, are we offending you?

We have a special shield called satire. Fucker. It's the fastest I've ever hated something. Like three seconds in and you open the definition to satire and I'm immediately just like, fuck you. I would have turned it off right then. And then he says, don't be offended bitches. To be offended bitches.

And we have him doing a Chinese accent for no reason. It does not pay off. It's not alluded to. He does, he does give the Chinese definition for satire, but then it's not tied in. It's not a punchline. It's just, it's just nothing. It's like almost like an excuse to do a Chinese accent in a way.

Yeah. You're justifying the Chinese accent. You thought up the Chinese accent first. You know it's bad, dude. You know it. Just fucking 30 seconds in and this is such pure hate. This is how I would teach someone to hate. Like if fucking ET or something landed in my yard and I had to

teach him about Earth, I would use this movie to teach him hate. Yeah. You're like, you're too nice ET. Get eaten alive out there. Let's teach you just a little bit of hate. It's like in the abyss, like when the super advanced alien race is like looking at a movie of saying like, is humanity defensible? It's like it had this movie up there along with the atom bomb.

Look at it. Harris has a copy that he bought in his book. They're like, no, no, 30 seconds in. Nope, that was easy. That was a free one. Let's take the rest of the day off. Hitler is enough. We don't need this too.

We really got to the Hitler comparison fast. And I don't disagree at all. This is a hit. This is the Hitler of 9 11 VHS's. Well, Hitler's in the movie, right? That's true. And again, just a clip of Hitler, not a joke. No punchline.

Just a clip of Hitler. Because there's sort of a framing device where they're flipping through channels, which is not explained or like used well. And so sometimes there's just footage. And one of the footages is Hitler. There's also some like African villagers and some atom bombs. Oh, yeah. It's just like, yeah.

All hilarious stuff. You guys ever think about the IMDb of Hitler? Because he's in a lot of movies, you know? Oh, shit, you're right. This is the most embarrassing one. This is the most embarrassing spot on Hitler's IMDb for sure. I mean, surely he's burning in hell for a lot of things, but this is definitely the one they give him shit for.

The one the devil is like, hey, it's the star of the underground comedy movie. Shut up. I did so much more stuff. The fuck you did, Hitler. This is cringe. Some devil's like, this is cringe. All the demons watching it.

Just, oh, God. I got to take a walk. I got to take a lap around hell. I got to cringe in hell. That's as bad as it gets. OK, so it opens with Vince Offer as like a hippie or something, and he comes into a cave and he's shooting at rats with a handgun. And he's such a bad performer.

If you're watching a high school pep rally, you'd recognize him as the kid who didn't do theater. It's so bad. And it's just incomprehensible. Marilyn Monroe walks by overhead, and I got this opening he can see through the street, and she's just orgasming over the air vent. And then he gets really mad at her,

and then he starts filming her panties, and then it cuts to the credits. Yeah, there's no premise. He turns on the TV, which I think we're supposed to believe is the movie. That's the framework of the movie, is that some sort of rowdy wanders into a cave to shoot rats and instead finds he can see up Marilyn Monroe's

and then he puts on a soundtrack of a train and a fan, and then threatens her and then turns on a TV to watch it. That's the framework. That's the first thing you want to open your movie with, and it's just nothing at all. I'm mad at myself for trying to explain it. I fucking made a mistake. We are sorry.

The credits, it's like him with a bunch of bikers, and they're all like biking around, and then it like pans out and they're on bicycles. And I said out loud by myself, I was like, wait, is that the whole thing? And it was. And it was. It was, dude.

At that first. That's the gag. At first I thought it was a Tom Robinson or Tim Robinson sketch. Right. Because it was like the motorcycle guys. Two motorcycles glued together with the house on top. Okay. And all these girls waving it.

I love that it's always the same shot as well. Yes. That's like a few times I might put on my director hat because the frame, the framing, like the way in which they shoot this movie is very clearly often they knew they couldn't shoot the scene like together and like have like, all right, you stand over there, you're not on camera right now,

but you're going to be feeding off the person who's on camera kind of thing and we're going to make it a play. Like you shoot most movies. They didn't do that for this because they knew it was so embarrassing. That it's just like, let's just get you waving at the camera and then when they splice in the quote unquote comedy later. And then they see it later and are just like, that's what I was fucking doing.

It's like, oh my God, I would have, I would have sued you. I will sue you now. That's, that's how that goes. It's obscene. And you can tell within the first like seven minutes of the movie. Yeah. So it cuts from that to things you'll never see supermodels taking a dump. I'm trying to deliver it with the same comic timing.

And that's it though. But yeah, it's close. And then that's it. These two beautiful women are on the toilet and they're taking a crap and they're like, they're not great actresses. So they're like really forcing this poop, but they look like like children and like try to imagine that shoot, like get on the toilet.

Okay, do I have like noisy diarrhea near a cute boy? Do I get hit by a pie? What's the bit? What's the twist? And he's like, you're crapping the toilet action. It's just, you would have to explain every one of these. And somebody involved in the sketch is going to be like, okay, where's this going?

Yeah, yeah. And you deal with this so many times to so many people. Just the audacity it takes. That's the movie I want to see. That's like a Soderbergh movie. Just film the, just film the behind the scenes of this. It's a really good idea. I would love to watch that.

I would watch this fucking heart song journey. It's like, look at this fucking guy who believes this shit. That's really about the death of modern comedy. Well, 14 years after this, he did release like more footage from this. He made kind of a sequel with Rob Schneider and Adrian Brody, Michele Rodriguez. I'm telling you right now, we're not doing a sequel podcast. We're not watching a movie.

I root for the bomb. I root for the raccoons and the atomic bomb to kill us all. But yeah, he did reuse a couple of the sketches again. God damn it. Yeah. How is this the only idea you had? Because when it's perfect, you don't make a change. There you go.

Don't any broke. God. Next is the silly Batman where it's the Reimer. And he just rhymes. And he goes into rob a bank, but Derp, they hadn't put up a full sign yet. It's a sperm bank. So he decides to rob the bank of the sperm. And then he just starts murdering people.

Instead of a punchline. Right. Punchline. I love the character too, because like he at first asked, like, give me all your money and she's like, this is a sperm bank. We don't have any money to which he says suckering suck attached, which is perfect. And then he's then he doubles down. He says, then give me all the sperm.

Sure. Which is just he made some adjustments also didn't rhyme. This is what we know about the Reimer disease. He goes with the flow during a robbery does not rhyme a lot. And the punchline is that he kills everybody. He kills and gets into several wacky scenarios with people where he is a strong word. You see the potential for wackiness. I would not say that they execute them in a wacky fashion, but he just executes them

because that's that's the punchline to every bit is like, I'm involved in this this set up to a punchline. Where are we going? I don't know. We're going to shoot somebody. And if anyone's done improv, they know that every sketch should end with everyone shooting each other. Every improv coach says that.

Yes. Yes. Pull the gun. I think that's even in the office. It's such a cliche of improv classes with the dumbest shitty guy there pulls a gun. They're like, stop pulling the gun. So Batman shows up and the bid is over because Batman is a baseball Batman. And that's funny enough to like end the bid on.

But I do. There is a bright spot in this sketch. I know nobody else had anything nice to say. But there's an old lady here and she comes out and the the Rimer throws his briefcase into her grocery cart. And she immediately switches the fuck on and just starts screaming, ranting like a lunatic because I don't think she's a trained actress. I think this is somebody's grandma that they put in the movie and she legitimately lost

her mind. No way. I have a clip of her. God dammit. Oh, God. Can you take a couple of steps up here, please? Okay. Who the hell are you?

I'm Batman. You're Batman. I wish I could get the hell away from it. I hate baseball. It's for the young, goddamn young people after the goddamn gays. I found a bird. I've seen so many gays in my life. God, I got sick on the right of me, on the left of me, all around me or gays.

Gee, it gets sick of that. I don't know where the real man is hiding. You have to have a magnifying glass to look for them. Ma'am. Perfect. You're under arrest for robbery. No need for a take two. And you have to right to remain safe.

I'm ready to kill everybody back. Get out of her with the bat. Yep. That's the punchline. God, what an observation. So weird. Baseball is for the young gays. Yeah.

I've never heard that. And then it's like, they're just like, you know, keep talking deranged old woman. And she's like, yeah, I can't find a real man. I need a magnifying glass. That's a joke. And they're like, well, fuck where it's all gold. Keep it in. Yeah.

And to their credit, they did cut to reaction shots from the Rimer and Batman while this old lady ranted. And I was like, I'm enjoying this. Like it's, it's grotesque and offensive. But in a way where it's like, yeah, like this, this, I kind of, I'm enjoying watching this old person lose their mind. I like to watch old people angry at, uh, at minorities and, uh, and just yelling, yelling Slards.

Yeah. Just getting some obscenities in there. Let's go. That's lots of free entertainment in the world for you. I want everyone listening to be clear. That is by far the best part of the movie. I don't know. You know what?

I do disagree. That's not the best part of the movie. It's the second best part of the movie for sure. Okay. Well, we'll get to your favorite, I guess. Yes. We get to it. Uh, next up here is, uh, they do a bit where he beats up higher Krishna's.

I just, I don't think anyone even knows what a higher Krishna is outside of the context of seeing them get beat up an airplane. So this is just a scene from airplane that they're recreating. Yes. Um, so I guess he owes airplane money. Um, For that joke. Yeah.

And it ends with that. Yeah. For that great joke. And it's delivered. Not quite as well as I'm describing it. Like how you're laughing at home, like, oh, he beat up higher Christians. That's outrageous. Hilarious.

Catch your breath and let me know. Let me assure you that it's not that funny in the movie. Uh, I love that he's willing to sue other, other companies for daring to have sperm in him, but he'll straight up steal an entire actual skit from a better movie that everybody in the world knows. And like, yeah, it's fine. Yeah.

Yeah. It makes no sense at all. His logic is just he is, he is the guy who's the hero. Right. That's all this is. I guess. Yeah. I think the joke is that he's mixed up and he thinks she stole all the sperm, but there's

not enough storytelling to like give the viewer any reason to think he would know that or think that. I mean, you played her entire introduction. So she wanders into them and then says exactly what you just played. And that is the exposition for the sketches that, that confused old women's rambling hate speech. And they're like, yeah, that explains it well enough.

That's all the setup. There's a line later where the Riddler says I was the one doing all the causing all the trouble, which is a great way to signal like, you know, that's what we were doing for all the sketches earlier was that we're doing a mistaken identity thing where Batman thinks this old lady did all the crimes, but really it was me, the rhymer. Yeah. Vince Offer, I speak dumb fuck. I know, buddy.

I know. I know what you're trying for this whole time. See, I don't think I speak enough dumb fuck. I'm really confused about what they're going for. Like if maybe if I was more fluent in dumb fucking and sub dialect of dip shittery, I could have understood this, but I'm just, I'm just baffled at every, at every turn. Okay. And the next one I feel like, I feel like they explain themselves very well in the next sketch.

It's a Baywatch spoof called boob watch nailed it. Watch a kid die because he's watching boobs instead. But it's not that lifeguard look like lifeguards really giving CPR. He's trying to save the kid, but the cameraman is watching the boobs. And I'm like, yeah, that's, that's like a twist on my expectations. Right. But it, it also sort of demonstrates the lack of like comedy instincts by the people involved that like nothing has a setup or a button, but there's sort of like the start of an idea.

I guess this is what the New York Times critics say. That's yeah. Yeah. It wouldn't have been a good sketch if like the kid had died because he was watching boobs, but that would have been an observation. Like, but to then twist it again and be like, no, the camera was watching boobs and that's why the kid died, but the lifeguard was there. So you're, it's nothing.

And well, it's again, you've successfully constructed just an obstacle course of, of easy punchline and avoided every single one. Right. Yeah. Building nonsense. Like it's impressive at that point that you have avoided accidentally landing on a punchline that you're just fucking matrix dodging around punchlines this entire movie. Right.

It, it, but it demonstrates that it really is the work of someone with just a terrible sense of humor because there's definitely parts of the movie that fail because of timing and performance, but this had professional actors and a, you know, competent cameraman and it came out probably as well as it could. This is the fully realized vision of a very shitty idiot. And so when you see something like this, you're like, yeah, this isn't like a technical failure. Like this, this person thought this was perfect.

I can't believe this cost him half a million dollars. Like this is, this has to be the worst use of half a million dollars in human history. Like I've, there have been desperate middle aged men that have dropped half a million dollars on a supercar floored it out of the dealership and then died in a brick wall a block down. And that went better than this. I mean, it all went to Michael Clark Duncan. I don't think he was a star at the time.

I don't think this is paid a lot. That's probably this is no one. No. What's it? When was green? What? When was green? I think it was after this.

Okay. I thought it was before this, but it's same year came out the same year. So no, that can't be his year. Yeah. They filmed this. They filmed this in 97. Okay. Okay.

That was that was that's the weirdest year you've ever had. I love the IDs. Like I'm going to get taken this role as gay virgin and John Coffey and 1999 is going to be my year. I'm really going to use one role to inform the other like my informed experience. They have a lot. This is who I am. You know,

I found a story from Bobby Lee from, uh, from mad TV. Uh, and he's in this as like Asian stereotype man. Yes. The less we say about it, the better, but like he was telling a story about he was doing a show in San Diego and Vince offer came to him afterwards and says, Hey, I need you to come down and be in this movie. And he was super pumped. He's like, fucking yes, this is happening.

I'm going to be a star. And he gave him $50 for, for a multiple day shoot overdubbed his entire voice. Uh, and he had to actually sue to get taken out of it because like racist images of him were being like broadcast on TV, like eight times a night every night on comedy central. And he's like, you've got to fucking take me out of that commercial. So he, he had to sue Vince offer to remove him from the marketing. As they cut all of his dialogue and substituted much worse racist dialogue. Yes.

Which is already racist to begin with everything was racist. And it's like racism all the way down. He walked onto that set and there was just nothing but racist as far as he can see. And they're like, anyway, um, he got $50. That's what, that's what he is. How did this cost half a million? Where did it go? Like you can't embezzle from yourself.

I mean, I guess, um, I mean, you can buy drugs. He probably did some of that. Uh, yeah, there is a famous story where Vince offer got his tongue bit by a prostitute and she wouldn't let go. And so he got in a fist fight with her and they were both arrested and there's like a mugshot of him where he, I do not think he won that fist fight. Uh, he is, he is looking rough in that mugshot. Anyway, that's just like the kind of happy story, the happy backstory that Vince offer

produces. Uh, the next speaking of happy stories, the next fucking sketch is called virgin hunter, which looks like it's sort of a, like a hillbilly, like Rob zombie murder fest thing. It's a POV of a murderer, but it turns out he just has a comb knife and he's like, uh, without exaggeration, it is mostly fart sounds. But this is the co-writer of the movie playing like a hillbilly character who is like, you're super pretty. And like, I, it is legitimately the least funny, uh, attempt at a like funny character in the

movie. Yeah. Like both of them because they, he also has a friend who's like naked. I think that's Vince offer and he lives in the orchard and the woman listening on, uh, she just doesn't, she just says nothing and react like they just have a reaction shot of basic like, all right, just stared off. Yeah. She was nowhere, nowhere near them would, would have run for sure.

Yeah. And, uh, it's absolutely one of the worst performances and attempts to add comedy because there's attempts in this that are like also like just offensive in so many ways. But this is actually just like, you're just doing a weird character. You're just doing a Tom green character or something. Right. I didn't put any song to it until they said action and then you're like, oh, shit. What was I going to do?

Geez. You can watch them fail to have, it's watching somebody fail to have an idea in real time and they won't cut away. You can feel them like pleading. I'm done. Like I'm surely that was, is that five, that's five minutes I've been doing this. You can't keep this going. It's a sketch, right?

It's a sketch. It has to end. This is just like, if everyone's on cocaine, it's your best friend. I feel like it's got a momentum to it where you're like, dude, I think this is funny. I think we're having so much fun. I but as a as a as a comedy sketch, it's just a fucking disaster. It's a wreck. It's it's it's aimless and the jokes repeat themselves.

Like it's like they're doing improv and it's like they have one joke and they just keep coming back at it, which is that he, you know, makes fart sounds. Makes fart sounds with his mouth like. And it's very creepy. That's what a virgin does. He makes fart noises with his mouth, and that's why he's a virgin. Is the is that's the observation. That is the observation.

And it does contain, however, we're talking about like just the filmmaking of it. My favorite joke in the movie, which was not a joke. And I don't think it even was intentional. And it just made it in the movie, which is I need to know what the director was thinking. There's a moment where the camera, which is, which has just been in like a single shot the entire time, like the sketch operates in the following editorial premise, shot of woman listening to shot of man. And it bounces back and forth.

And that's your two minute sketch. There is at one point, the camera that is, I believe it's all handheld still is focused on the Bill character. And then it pans over to like trees, like because they're an orchard. And then pans back. And I'm like, wait, is this supposed to be like pointed like POV? Is this a documentary? Like, why did the cameraman whip away from the shot?

It's like they stopped realizing they were in the movie, the cinematographer, and decided to just like give up. And it's one of the greatest moments in the movie. You could see him do what I did, which is try to get up and just walk it off. He's like, I got to go take a lap. You guys are just real quick. Oh, fuck, I'm actually the cameraman for this. I have to I've got to get paid.

Got to get that 50 bucks. Just your your pure comedy instincts want you to walk away from this. Just get away from this. Drop it and leave. So this goes on for fucking ever. And then they get back to some more Batman stuff, because the Batman story is like. I couldn't believe they were returning to sketches.

Granny. The granny has cut back. It was incredible. It was. Yeah, it was a horror reveal. When they cut back and there's more Batman. I was like, gasp. It was genuinely shocking. I went, what the fuck you can't be fucking serious. And again.

So the granny has her head back on and Batman comes back and he pulls a dildo out of his pants and beats her with it. And I feel like that they were so proud of that idea that the rest of it was just built around getting there. Because like there's all the dialogue leading up to that. It's just yada, yada, just like, here's a thing to say. Here's a non reaction to that. Like nothing happens until this dildo.

And then he beats her and then it starts in on some story like where Reimer and the Batman are brothers. And then they start really playing baseball. Oh, yeah. But I don't it's so fucking stupid, but there's they feel like they've told the story, like Batman hits a ball into the Reimer's mouth and then they have an argument whether he was really out and then the grandma kills him, kills Batman.

It's like, yeah. Killing somebody in the full circle would close that hilarious. Yeah, there is an actual joke in this. I found it. I realized looking back and there's a joke when after the dildo cane fight in the house. But but was this before or after we cut to him trying to molest his ex-girlfriend? Because that was like after.

OK, because it's it's it's after the dildo is just there and there's that small fight. And then the Reimer or the Riddler or whatever goes. Where does he get those wonderful toys? Right, which is Batman reference and it's a dildo reference. So they actually put it together and made a reference to the source material. That's a joke, right? I don't know. It's technically a joke.

No, you're right. Not a funny joke. It's just a joke. It went just there's so little joy left in me in general that you can't even give him one. Yeah, I just I didn't notice it at the time. Like I'd be right saying it now. But I that would have been that would have been in my notes. If I had recognized it, I would have said, Holy shit, a joke.

Holy, I think a brilliant actor could have timed the delivery of toys. Oh, yeah, it's bad to indicate it's a pun. And even then, it's still bad. But you know, whatever. But it's something. It's fucking Laffy Taffy caliber, but it's it's technically there. Azuka Joe shit, you know, but I think that he might be surprised to find out that he made a pun.

I feel like that was probably just a line from a movie. Yeah, maybe that's why. Maybe that's it. I just don't want to give him credit for anything, seeing his failures in so many other spots. Anyway, they cut from that to Hitler. Yes. And then it says things you'll never see, which, again, what a framing device, how funny this framing device is, a big black bald gay virgin.

And it's Michael. You get it. Yeah, I honestly, I have no idea why. I guess it's just because Michael Clark Duncan is so like sexually desirable, like it would be ridiculous to think he just doesn't fuck all the time. And so anyway, it's Ant, who is actually a pretty famous actor. And he is very aggressive trying to fuck Michael Clark Duncan, and he is trying to save himself for the right man.

And it's way less offensive than you're picturing, but it's also just it's baffling. It's totally baffling. Well, my notes at the end of it were just like, have somebody explain what the premise was? What was this premise? Why? Yeah, like, I can't. Ant was trying to bang him and he's like, no, I'm a virgin.

And he's like, fucking, let me put my dick in you. And he's like, no. And he like picks up my tight. That's not simplification. That's the actual dialogue. Yeah, that's those are the notes. It's shot like a curvy enthusiasm. Like they have story beats they have to get to and everything else is improv.

And shot like curvy enthusiasm. And I mean that in the most respectful way. This movie is exactly like the hit show curvy enthusiasm. Yeah, the talent on display here. Yeah, amazing. It is a pretty pretty big shift from the rest of the movie, though, where these guys are clearly telling a story and playing off of each other's energy and lines.

Like if there's a huge difference between Ant and Michael Clark Duncan and like Vince Offer and his fucking high school buddies, for sure. Yeah, yeah, they have the most chemistry there. But it's clear they don't understand why they're doing this sketch. I don't know. Nobody nobody there has like an end goal to this. They're just like, so so my character is I don't want to fuck your character is you do want to fuck. We're not going to puzzle this one out today.

Let's just go. Right. And I think there might have been something funny to them because Ant is a very small and effeminate man. And Michael Clark Duncan is like this gigantic dude. What if he didn't want to fuck, though? Yeah. I guess he would just is the joke that all black men are whores. They're all big men are whores.

What is it? What is the premise? I feel like this might just be as something as simple as like your expectations would be this big black guy is going to sexually assault the little guy like like in your prison, like in a prison joke from 1985. And they were first, they flipped it. So it's the Looney Tunes with the little dog and the big dog for the little dog of the boss. Yes, that's what it is. That's what this is.

But with unwanted sexual aggression, but they're trying to fuck each other. So the it's the Looney Tunes with the little dog and the big dog with little dogs, the boss, and they're trying to fuck each other. But one of them doesn't want to fuck. OK, I got it. Yeah. That's a really good way to explain it. Welcome to comedy. So the godmother is next, which we mentioned briefly, starring Joey

Butifuco, great person to cast in your comedy movie. So Vince Offer plays like an Italian guy and he wants the godmother to get into abortion wholesaling. He wants to replace the beef in the sauce with fetuses to save money. Now, see, this is a great example of offensive without the comedy. Yeah, like what is the joke here if it's not someone getting upset? Because, like, how dare you defy the sanctity of fetusless spaghetti sauce? So whatever the fuck you're upset about,

because I like to think I'm as against eating human babies as most people. Definitely more than Robert, who has many times said he would do it on a dare for a contest, a volunteer taste test. He gave me a list of 41 ways he would be OK with it. I would only I've only ever said for profit. I've only ever said if we figure out a way to do it for profit. But it doesn't need to be much profit. Like we're talking a few times here.

Once you're making profit, then it's just a matter of scale. That's true. I've heard people say that about fetuses. That was me. I said that. I guess my point was that as a comedy writer, there needs to be like a funny reason for them to do this terrible thing. Just for feeling there's human in the sauce is a dull horror twist. And it's a fucking disappointing, confusing comedy twist.

And that's but it's not a twist. That's the premise they start with. They start with the premise. You're right. It's the premise. It's the first thing anybody says. And then they spend, I don't know, an hour and a half, it feels like. It really is trying to make a joke about it and they don't succeed. Another one, which is the crazy part, because I feel like the joke could be

like making a pros and cons list of human baby sauce until like a few of the dumb mob enforcers think it's a good idea, like an always sunny type of scene. And I mean, that's not anything yet. But right, you can we can sit here and make a joke in any direction. Just not a good joke, but you can make a joke in any direction. Just I love the at the end of this sketch. There's because you get the assumption that they're playing off the Godfather and it's like, all right, we the Godmother has a lot of

a lot of like things set up, a lot of meetings, another business opportunity. Right after this one, right? And she puts her hand on her forehead and says, OK, what's the next one? And then it cuts to the next sketch. And I thought she was talking about the movie. Like, she's so we fucking can we fucking end this? Can we end this? Oh, it's so good.

Hey, speaking of that's that's an hour. That's an hour of podcast and that's all I owe you, so I'm going to hang up. Oh, I'm legitimately mad at you for making me watch this. Like this this makes us even for anime like we're we're good after anime. Not sure that's true. No, this is worth exactly one dog fucking anime. And that was that was a half an hour. That was a half an hour, sir.

Robert, you work here. Imagine you're a guest on this episode. That's true. Yeah. Hey, we would like to have you back for a good one. Maybe maybe we talk about Kentucky Fried Movie. As an apology specifically for this, we can talk about how Kentucky Fried Movie is not this. Yeah. Oh, man, love it.

Love sketch movies. My favorite. Yeah, love people who can stretch the sketch comedy to an hour and a half. I feel like we would all really enjoy Kentucky Fried Movie still. Yeah, that's what I mean. After this, yes. Oh, yeah, after this 100 percent. That's the perfect thing.

They have like a long cookie argument. I don't think we should talk about it. No, it's then they then they cut to like another take from the gay black virgin. That's my leader. Just another take. The exact same premise. They've they don't know each other.

This is not an extension. It's just take it from the top, improv it all again. It's so fucking the same lines again. They don't even improv it all again. They. That's true. And they do that it twice in the movie because they also do with the Virgin Hunter, too. Like that is the insane decision that the brain trust of this movie

really revealing itself is that they don't give a fuck. They're like, it's funny enough time. Yeah, and they reshot over all the stitches. It was such a journey to realize like, wait a minute, this is just take two. Wait a minute, they're just putting take two of this in here. And then, wait, holy shit, they did takes. They did take something. This was another horror reveal.

This was like when Batman came back. I gasped. Yeah, it just. And then you go. The actors didn't know about any of this. They didn't think they thought it was going to be one take and it was going to be bad. They didn't realize it was going to be twice. Could you imagine trying to explain to this guy how like, oh, no, you shouldn't put the second take of the same scene in the movie

and him saying why it's funny. Like, first of all, A, it's not. But B, there's a reason you don't fucking put the second take of the movie in. It takes me out of it in a weird way, where I think about the movie being made. Like you don't tell the same joke back to back and change like one word in it and then just to the same audience because they know because they know the. There's there because they've been here.

It was just minutes ago. My good friend, what's going on in your brain right now? Just start listening to your thoughts. Just hold his hand and explain because that's not how jokes work. Come here, sit down, take it. You need a rest. My buddy PJ directed the sequel to The Lost Boys. And if you watch the end of The Lost Boys, he has a scene

where Corey Hame is just stinking up a place like he just is fucking trying to deliver this monologue and blowing it all to fucking hell because he like was on heroin and falling apart. And then they did it on the TV. The extras, they play the same scene, the second take, and it's super bad in like a different direction. And and I came up to him afterwards and like, what the fuck was that? Why did you put that in?

Was that just so like known? Whatever, work with Corey Hame again. He's like, absolutely. That's fucking exactly why I put that in there. Burning this bridge. Yeah, well, Corey Hame, like I think they're filming a reality show at the same time and there's a shot on the reality show of him like screaming for Corey to get out of the fucking trailer because he just went in there to shoot up

heroin and just didn't come out for the whole day. And yeah, so he was a disaster. But I'm saying like putting that in your movie is like almost aggressively mean to the performers. Like it's it's yes, toxic to that scene. Like it retroactively ruins anything you enjoyed from the first take. Seeing them like fucking work through it. It's so bad if you did enjoy the first scene.

Right, which is again, it's possible. And the idea that you would have to explain to that to somebody like, don't don't show them the second take that's fucking crazy. Yeah, many times through this. I've been, I just have the know, how would I explain? How would I begin to explain how this is wrong? Like it's wrong at such a basic level. It's like it breaks.

It's trying to explain math to somebody like the very premise of math. Like, OK, I know it, but like if you don't know it at all, like if you've just emerged from the wilderness and the wolves didn't teach you math, which I think they probably would have taught you some basic math knowing wolves. I just I wouldn't even know where to start. Like you would have to backtrack mentally all the way to the beginning to be like, well, I guess it's sort of a subversion of expectations.

Sometimes it's like why why laughter is first. Let's start with the sound laughter makes you probably never heard that. Speaking of laughter, here's a great bit. They go to they cut to rabbi remitimates his bed and he's Jewish. And so he finds pineapple in his bed. Yeah, no, he is we're back in a godmother bit. And now here, Vince Offer has some rhetorical authority because he is an Israeli-American.

So I think he's he's allowed to like play around in the the anti Semitic joke area. And so anyway, there's a ham in his bed and he's kosher Jewish man, so he can't have him. So this is as worse as a horse head. It's like a horse head if you were a rabbi. He screams in terror of it, which is of course not how any of that works. But that doesn't matter. I was actually a pretty good rendition of the godfather.

Like he's like it's like he laughably screams that long in that movie. And they actually did a good parody, to be honest with you. It cuts to like the outside of the mansion at the right time and everything. It's like they studied that one scene in the whole movie. Very weird. And it cuts from that to Dickman. And I think that might be and I think Dickman might be the clumsiest childlike attempt at being funny. Like it's it's exactly what you think.

It's a superhero, like a Superman superhero with a dick for a head. And he like squirts, you know, dick juice at his head. See, this was my favorite sketch. I think this was the best sketch. I was thinking this is the one you're going to love. Yeah. This is really embarrassing. Like this is porno 70s porno movie stuff. Like our grandparents sat through gags like this, super grumpy

while they waited to masturbate again, like it's fucking garbage. Just to add challenge to a public masturbation. Keep it up through this. The old bastards. It's like orgasmo, but like. With no with no second draft whatsoever. Just no no actual thing that lets it stand. And you know, it's just a man that that's a dick.

Like that's he's fighting the lesbian community. You see, right? Because lesbians are horrible because they don't like dick. I think is the premise. Right. But he's such a big dick that some of them can't resist it. They're like, oh, yes, because that's that's why they're lesbians, is they haven't met the biggest dick yet. So once they do.

Show his origin story. But the lesbians have their own evil supervillains. The vertical smile, who's just basically a vagina woman and. But anyway, Lorena Bobbitt and they really hang on that reveal. They really let you fucking gather yourself. And what's the punchline for all this? Oh, he he jizzes on everybody. He comes on blast.

He blasts them with semen. That's kind of the punchline for every single scene for the rest of the film. Yes, they figured that out. You can watch them figure that out and be like, fuck, that's it. That is perfect. You forgot a very crucial part of the Dickman canon, which is that when a hot lady shows her boobs nearby, Dickman feels it in his balls.

Right. If you take it off, he will come. And that's what they say. They feel the dreams, reference. Feel the dreams. Very apt for this sketch. Yeah. There's just there's a style of comedy. And it really peaked in the early 2000s and late 90s,

where you could see the comedians come to the understanding that like, this isn't going to do it. You know, we don't we don't have it. So what can we bring that's going to bring people anyway? And the answer was always tits. It was always, well, maybe we put some tits in. And so here's where they actually I think this was the first time they put actual tits in and just like just like come as a punchline.

That's all they do for the rest of the movie. They're like, OK, yeah, OK, we don't have this. But if we put enough tits in here and we keep throwing buckets of calm on the homeless, we're going to get there. Things you'll never see a beautiful girl dating an older man who's poor. Oh, God, what a premise. Where does this go? This is fucking awesome.

Nowhere. They they're in the fish store and he wants to buy her a dress with his pension. OK, so this is actually a genuine scene, too. Like if you just took the comedy out of it and the set up, it's just a woman and an old man having a wonderful, beautiful conversation. Yeah, it's just the absurdity to this guy is that they have a relationship that's like not built around like sexual predation. Like why would why would a woman want a man who's not Michael Clark Duncan?

Absurd. So the next one is City of Watts. Public Access presents What's Up Talk Show. So Vince does come in in hair rollers and blackface. Yeah, you know, you know, come on, you know it's coming. You knew there'd be blackface. His black guy voice is like when he tries to code switch to, I guess, what we call the bonnix at the time, it was just vanilla ice,

like exactly the way vanilla ice talked when he's on a talk show. Anyway, before the show goes anywhere, he sits down to interview a KKK guy in a full robe and just shoots him in the head and then puts a grenade in his dead mouth and explodes his head. And he thought you could tell he thought this is going to get me points from the black community. Yes, you did. You did not factor in the blackface to it at all.

You were just like, dude, going to get some points. Vince Offer woke as fuck, dude. I'm on. He really thinks he saw your son. Why haven't you killed the racists yet? Jesus, I figured it out on my comedy movie. I put in my notes, I wrote, honestly, reflecting, I'm amazed it took this long for the blackface. Yeah, this is actually some restraint based on this.

Yeah. And it wasn't aggressive. Like it was it wasn't like shoe polish black. It was it was like I was like, is he does he have blackface on? Yeah, it was Steven Seagal blackface. Yeah. Yeah. So a deep tan almost like a. So man, the cat, the cowards, how we call it like the kind of blackface designed so that you could say, no, I just got a really it's unfortunate timing

that I got such a bad sunburn and it turned into a tan right then. I can't believe you you thought about all I see it. I see it, though. That's funny. It's funny. Two and old lady hair rollers that I can't explain. I don't. The accent, certainly. Let's move to one that's like a really fun one, the Miss American Bag Lady pageant starring Slash. This is so hard to watch.

This is this took me like probably one year. And I say that after the blackface. Yeah, that comes out. This is way worse than the blackface. Yes. So this is a beauty contest for homeless old women and they do not hire actresses. These are clearly unhoused people who they're treating like animals, like absolute animals.

Yes. And it's hosted by Slash and Guns and Roses. And I can't remember the woman's name, Rebecca, something. I love I love Slash's performance here because he's really bad at playing drunk, but he's also very drunk. Isn't that strange? I think that's what that that's the confusion for me is I was like, what is he doing? And like he keeps coming on to the the the woman who's like his co-host.

And I'm like, yeah, this doesn't feel planned. And I look her up to see if they ever dated because he has his mouth on her mouth a lot. And she does not like it. She does not visibly does not like it. So did they date? No, no, he was sexually assaulting his acting partner who acted who acted through it for this.

Yes, she is for this movie. Two more professional than this premise should have all got. This was so so so much psychic damage watching this, like it it legitimately feels more sadistic than almost anything I've seen in a feature film. Like it's it's pretty sadistic, but then they really escalate it at one point by having one of the homeless women just for no reason, not on a sketch, just walk through like a bunch of rubble

with like sharp debris in it and she takes kind of a bad fall onto like some rebar and then it is not clear if she is OK. So like that's an that's an actual crime. Like it's certainly a labor violation, but I'm pretty sure that's actually abuse, too. If they pay Bobby Lee fifty bucks, there's no way they paid these homeless people. No, they showed you what they paid them where he ran by with cheekballs, a whiskey opening, yeah, like opening sleeping bags

and dragging homeless out. And some of them were just like, no, fuck you. And he he hit one. He slapped one full in the face. And I do not believe that was I don't believe that was a sketch. It ends with a fully mentally ill woman running out in a swimsuit where like like she doesn't know where she is. And it's by far the longest bit in the movie that goes on for what feels like.

Must be 15 minutes. I also think before that, the final contestant is disqualified for spreading aides to the judges. And then they cut to some of the homeless people having a three way that I do also believe was actual on a filthy mattress in a corner of like an abandoned park or something. Let's get real dark, but like this is just what they did. They just heard in a bunch of LA homeless people together

and humiliated them and committed crimes and made them pretend to eat a dead cat, an actual dead cat. Yeah. And then cut to some stock footage. What I hope is stock footage, but it's probably footage. They just shot of sick and wounded dogs slowly dying. What's the name? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Remember, satire, though. Remember the definition of satire?

Yeah, you can't get mad, though. See, this is where I come around a little bit, because I think I think to effectively counterjoy this hard, you have to understand what it is, right? I don't think you could like this. This aggressively destroy like mirth and happiness without understanding what that is or at least feels like. So it changes it for me to like, surely

you have heard the sound of human laughter and know that it is good to present this as a way to destroy that retroactively throughout time. Right. Yeah, it makes me not want to be a comedian. Yeah. Well, this next part is maybe as bad in just different avenues. So they cut to a psychologist talking to a woman. This is unreal. Yeah.

And she's like a sexual assault victim, very much like a Harvey Weinstein story where she goes to an audition and he keeps trying to take off her clothes and the therapist says nothing. He just does. He's like, uh-huh, listening. And she there's no joke. There's like aggressively no joke. Like this is a terrible story. And she just keeps repeating herself and repeating herself,

saying in different ways, almost in a confusing way where you're like, are we did they edit together all the takes of this? And then on the other hand, they have flirty Harry, who's dirty Harry. But get this intercut. It's intercut. Yes. But he's very gay, but not like in a come a coherent way, like he's got like an old lady, like little house in the prairie dress on, on the bottom half of himself.

And he, God, I don't know. It's not what you're picturing. It's just dirty Harry. But like, yeah, he's got a cop suit, top half, old lady dress, bottom half. And his tagline, or like he says, like he's not only tough, he's gay, which is a great dichotomy to set up straight out of the gate. That's the narrator. And why did we do all of this?

What, what makes this all worth it? But that, that, that punchline that we go out on, I'm going to make so I'm not doing it. Somebody else has to do it. Is there a punchline at the end of this? I'll say it. Yeah, go ahead. Oh, make me gay instead of make my day, which is comedy because it rhymes.

That's it. That's fucking it. Sketch. That's why we did that. That's why we did that whole sketch. Yeah, there's no joke up to that point. Yeah, I want to be clear that it cuts between those two ideas, the therapist and the gay, dirty Harry. And the therapist never says anything.

There's never a joke. Eventually the therapist eats an apple. And I feel like that's the joke is that instead of like helping her or having any insight, he just eats an apple while she's telling why. Yeah, I don't know why he's weird, like what's he also eats it weird. It's also a little weird. He eats it like sloppily and it's not like sexual. I think it's like he's weird.

I think because he's a bigger guy and this this was, you know, the 90s, I think the joke is really just that fat people like food. That could be it. I think that's the joke they went to. And it's so crazy to me. An apple is a healthy food choice because that's funny that he would even eat like a healthy food. I don't know.

I don't I can't fucking backwards engineer madness out of. I got to be honest, I sort of like the idea of a super horny gay, dirty Harry because dirty Harry is already just barely not ridiculous. Like Sledgehammer, if you remember Sledgehammer, that that show was based entirely around that shows creator not being able to take dirty Harry seriously. And so I think if you took that performative paper thin manliness and you added a bunch of feminine characteristics, like

this is just workshop. Let's say his husband was say his husband was the blowjob king of L.A. And he died. And so he's dirty hair and he's just got this explosive sexual energy inside him that he hasn't let out in years. And it's starting to affect his work and he hates himself for it. But he misses the only man he's ever loved and he's taking it out on crime. And like, I think I'm writing a real show, not a comedy bit,

but like I like this character. I read The Rawhide Kid back came out around the same time as this movie. It's called Slap Leather. And it was about the Rawhide Kid being like a super camp gay guy. But in this like when he was also like a root and toot gunfighter and no one understood him because he was an old Westman. So he was super camp gay and they just thought he was weird. He's like, this dude is acting funny.

And so like it was kind of funny that he was kicking everybody's ass. But like nobody understood. His actual gay character. I'll be honest, I don't love it. Can we cut back to a woman describing a sexual assault over and over again? Do you know? Let's do it. Yeah, that they just leave it there.

Now I'm on. Anyway, I'm just saying when I saw Gay Dirty Harry, I thought handled well, this this could be kind of funny because there's something there, you know, because Dirty Harry is such a masculine. You invented a premise out of like the the pieces they brought you like brought you. I just can't help it. Like just the way my brain works, I have been brought on to so many bad projects where where I get like these snippets of terrible ideas from untalented people.

And I think like, is it possible to turn this into something? So when I see something that this movie does, generally, my instinct is no, like if you showed me the script to this movie and said, can you punch this up? I'd say, no, no, throw this away, throw this in the trash. You can't fix it. You're finding what? Just wet puzzle pieces in a sewer.

And you're like, this could be a pair. Like, maybe. Anyway, they do another version. Hunter, it's just another one. I've got to take a walk from my notes. I've got to take a walk away from my notes. Yeah, I just never said anything. I can't believe they did it.

It's just exactly the same. It's just other same another take. And then here's the one that they actually remade when they remade the movie, the porno review. And it is three guys. One of them is a legitimate homeless man. And then the other one is Vince Offer. And the other one is a must be a childhood friend who cannot act.

And will not try. Refuses will not try his characters all over the place. This is a review of porno movies, like you might imagine. But they only review three movies. Should we talk about these or just? Let's talk about the premise. So the premise is that they the premise is very simple. And it's that they review porno movies by dubbing over the lines.

So like they just have the ridiculous parts of a porno movie. And then as comedians, they have to like come up with the lines that they're saying in between or possibly during the sex, which is OK. Kind of an OK improv exercise for the 90s. Like that, just that baseline of like the comedians come in and overdub the porn and the ridiculous parts with the lines. But the overdub is stuff they already shot. Like exactly. This is not.

That's like, so I know what you're saying, but it's like they didn't even do that. Right. They took that, which is just real base level shit, real, even for the time, really base level fucking some MST 3K sketches. Right. And then they were like, but well, how do we make sure it's funny? Because I'm not funny. What if what if we actually construct and film the stuff we dub over?

And like, then it's nothing. Then you have once again arrived back to nothing. You have added enough in here that it has become an absence. This is also in the section somewhere between Donna of the Dead and sperm, like I almost shut it off. I know I have to be on your podcast, but it's not. It infuriated me because it meant that it got me. That like that me and like they're so edgy

that Normie is like me fucking got wrecked during the movie. You know, and that's not me. Yeah. So the first one was a very racist, like Asian thing where Bobby Lee comes in. Yeah. And he's like in a diaper and he's going to have sex with this woman. And it's just kind of a mix of kung fu movie and like like 80s Japanese stereotypes. It's just he's doing funny physical stuff. But then they agree to his voice.

It's yeah, he's like giving it all. He's like, yeah, they're like, do some funny kung fu moves. And that's the only thing they told him clearly. But he kind of is moving around funny. Like it's like, wait, OK, but then I can see why they cut everything from that and insert not funny over it. Yes. And then it cuts back and like one point of yours is just like like Vince offers just like derp, derp, saying just nonsense to fill the time.

And the other guy was trying to do like a like a very educated film critic style thing. And I think the joke was like, oh, he's going to be this sophisticated like academic, but like they don't know how to talk smart. So it's just fucking nonsense. Yeah, it's great. Oh, and then they do a necrophiliac thing. And it's a real problem. It goes on a long time. So long. And it stars Arnold Swollenpecker.

Yeah, which is which is I feel 30, 30 years too old as far as like a punch line. Yeah. Anyway, like so they had any they could do anything. They're like, hey, let's review porn movies. This could be funny. What are your ideas? Well, racism and fucking dead bodies. OK, you know, I'm no judgment. What's the what's the observation we're going to make? Where we go?

Oh, there's no observation. They're just going to have relationships with this dead body. Like OK, like there's open wounds on these old dead bodies. It's it's grotesque. It's it's disgusting. But surely I mean this being a comedy movie, we're not just going to at one point watch the entire scene break down and somebody just starts fucking the old woman playing the dead body. Surely that's not a way. Let's please do exactly that.

I don't know. If you added the right music to this, it would be the video that Woody Harrelson and Matthew McConaughey found in True Detective. This is this is like found in an old cabin. Yeah, this is evidence for a murder. This is eight millimeter shit. This is yeah. This is what's in the so long.

It's so long. It's longer than the the homeless lady beauty pageant. It just keeps going. You know why? Because they the guy who's playing Arnold Swollenpecker is a bad actor, but he's giving it his all. Yeah, he was he really going in deep. And I think they fell with that. Like the concept of overacting to them was so awesome

that they were like, we got to keep this in the movie. Yeah, he has a kind of a Tim and Eric charm to him where he's just like failing in a way that it's fun to look at. Yeah, if they gave him something else to do besides like now just fuck the old woman for five straight minutes while a man masturbates and we show it, which is just porn. You've just actually made necrophilic porn. It's made you forgot.

You just you've it's a common mistake. It happens to us all when we're making a sketch and we accidentally make five minutes of necrophilic porn. But yeah, classic classic comedy blunder. And also, I love escalation because we have Sushi Mama, we have Donna, the dead and they escalate, you know, usually in a sketch, you escalate the beats. Then they go, they try to I heard this escalation. They subvert it, though.

This is what's brilliant about it. Yeah, they go to sperm lake instead of swan lake, which is just a bunch of dudes coming on each other set to ballet music, you know, which is way down below. I would argue below these racism of Sushi Mama. Yeah, exactly. It's just like at that point, it's just like, yeah, yeah, they're coming on each other. This is fine. Just I'm all so mad that my brain had to witness this stuff.

I'm so mad that like I swear to God, if it's storing any of these memories anywhere, I'm going to find a way to punish it. Like I'm going to start a heroin addiction. It's just to punish my brain that I don't I have a limited amount of memory, right, as a human and this will never leave me. This movie, a lot of it is stuck there forever. That fucking chump ass brain made those goddamn dug out some wrinkles and put a couple of lightning bolts in there.

And it's going to make me remember this forever. I just there's people have made movies that I respect far more than Vince offer that have made mediocre movies that I have already forgotten. And it bothers me that he has more of an impact in my life than people who are what I consider better. I better not remember this. You talked to me about this next week. I've had to be like, what the fuck?

I'm going to have to listen to this podcast again to edit it. I'm totally going to remember this. God damn it. You're gonna. You're gonna. I'm still at a place of parenthood where my child will do magical things all day long, and that those have been nearly mapped together along with this movie this week. And so I might think of like, oh, this is the first time a different parent came up and said, your your sweet kid is so patient with my with my child.

And I'll be like, yeah. And then I'll also remember the time three dudes jerked off on each other on Sperm Lake. Yeah. And then I said, did you see that guy fucking the dead body over there? Can we focus on? No, wait, that was. Oh, shit. Yeah, I got those confused. I always get those memories. I remember. Yeah, I remember how much you loved it.

I think I remember. I think maybe you're on to something, though. I think I have to have a kid to like overwrite some of this. Like if I have a kid right now, right? Or or no, I'm saying that, like, anchored it. No, no, no, I got you. But I'm saying after the fact, if I like if I get a kid now, that combination of my sleep deprivation and big milestones, it might get it might erase.

It's it's it's a drink. I'm going to drink a handle of Jack Daniels. And that's hopefully it will take care of everything that happened today. Smart. I can't believe this is still going. The audacity of anybody to make an hour and a half sketch comedy movie when I don't think there has ever been a perfect half hour of sketch comedy. Like there have been some really good half hours of sketch comedy. But there's always one that misses because like your sense of humor isn't,

you know, universal or they just it's just really fucking hard to do twenty two minutes of comedy sketches and have everyone be a banger, even for the greatest experts in the world. So for you to say and I know people have done it, we're going to do an hour and a half is just it's Olympic. It is a fucking marathon. And for you to have no ideas at all, not even one and still do it and still fund it and still make it is just the most audacious thing

I have ever seen in my life. I have to admire the bravery, I guess, of it. It's truly it is brave. It's Icarus flying too close to the sun, you know. It's like watching a man throw himself on a grenade with no stakes. Like there's nobody around to save. And he's just like, oh, no, I got it. I was brave.

He saved a hat. And you remember the famous, you know, and we're just taking potshots at this guy when he's truly the bravest of us all. I had nothing to say. And I said it is I spent half a million dollars to say it as loud as I could. Knowing everybody would hate me for it. And they did. And then I got sued and then I get sued and deserved all I got.

Yeah, this inspired four lawsuits and started a a litigated war against the Church of Scientology, which suspiciously led to his life falling apart. It seems like we're wrapping up. There's so much left of this movie. I guess we'll go through my notes. Have things you'll never see a jury making a right decision. And I think this supports my theory that just taking his racial

expectations or stereotypical expectations and flipping them is a complete joke. So this was like an all black jury who were convicting a black man of an unspecified crime. And then there's two white guys on the jury who were like, no, this is a ploy to keep the black man down. He's innocent and right. So the other observation was was like. The races on a jury tend to vote guilty or not guilty

based on the race of the defendant. Right. But he accidentally landed on. You'll never see black people making the right decision and white people making the wrong one. That's that's what he said. Right. And the presumption is that black people do this for each other and that's bad, you know, like he's so his starting point is terribly racist and his end is extremely his end point is somehow

more racist in a weird way and a bad violation. Like, I think he made himself. I think he made himself more racist, like in the process of that sketch. He came out of it like, fuck, I'm right. I think so. Hero. I'm a hero. God, I make some good points. Satire is laughter with knives, my man. You'll never believe that they revisit Big Black Virgin again.

Yes. Take three, baby. Take three. And they break in this one. This one that they like leave in the fucking unusable take. And I really like at the end, because they have a little phone call to kind of wrap up a movie like, hey, how are we going to wrap this movie up? What did you do last night? Did you get porked? And it's like, oh, that's kind of a strange way to put it.

And then that turns out to be the joke because they each meet up with pigs that they had like met and had sex with last night. Each of them both had sex with pigs. And that's guys, here's the thing. Porked means had sex with, right? But pork is also like how you might refer to a pig. Fucking masters of comedy. Got to put that in right towards the end, really end on a high note.

Yeah, it's also good that you have a conversation of I want to end spectacularly. You know, like let's end with a bang. And then they discuss how they're going to end the movie over several scenes. And that's just the first scene. And how do they? What's what's like? OK, well, they do prove that they have Angeline. Who is that? Who is that?

She's very famous in LA for being famous. Like this was pretty Kardashian. She would take out billboards of herself. And she's just like this weird old lady with lots of plastic surgery that's just like nothing, right? OK. And so she's just like. So she even said that in this like, I'm famous for being famous. And so anyway, they he drives off on the hood of her car where he likes serfs

and they cut it with surfing footage. Never, never found before this moment, Teen Wolf, to not be charming. Yeah, this ruins Teen Wolf. Yeah, it kind of ruins. Like I would have said, if you want to be charming, just do the do the do the van surfing scene from Teen Wolf. And yeah, that's fun. That's fun loving.

It's stupid, but in a boys will be boys kind of way. No, this was not charming. And then he gets a guitar and then he beats the shit out of her windshield with the guitar. I'm not I don't get the message. I feel like it's a message against empty celebrity, if anything. But it's also nothing. It's this whole thing is just nothing like watching someone

standing on the front of a very slow moving car is just like, well, yeah, you're that's something everyone does a couple of times in their life. And then they fall off the car and they stop doing it. Like 15 miles an hour, like a maniac. Look at that maniac. Welcome to two excited seventh grader. Like it like that's all you are, you fucking idiot. And all of this, all of this set to a soundtrack of 90s

So Cal pop punk, which was the worst type of punk in the worst era in the worst place for punk rock and totally appropriate for this. Just instant musical shorthand for like I'm a clueless. Hang it out. Yeah, it's because they were like, we're the precursor. We're jackass, you know, that's the whole concept here. We're doing the wildest shit. Our movie's so that's what they came up with.

And they had apparently done this before because they this was a title card dedicating the movie to the diehard fans. The 1988 public access show called the Underground Comedy Show. Ten years ago, they did all this shit. God, this fucking twist here is just astonishing. Yeah, that they had filmed this exact scene 11 years before. With the same like bits, if there were bits, like it sounds like when we're doing the play by play, there wasn't really bits.

There are bits like Batman at one point does like a three Stooges bit where he his bat hits the face of one person and then someone else's like look over here and he. Yeah, he moves to the other side and hits the other person. That was the Hare Krishna's. They beat up the Hare Krishna's in two different scenes. And that's they should they show an earlier shot, not in the movie, but of the show where they did that exact bit.

And that's amazing to me. Ten years ago, you're like that hilarious bit. We got to bring that back. People are the people weren't ready before. In a way, they might have been right. Like in the 80s, there was maybe still too much charm left in the world in comedy to like right to have this be something viable. But late 90s, getting into two thousands fucking attitude era,

it started to seem you started to seem like you were ahead of your time. Doing terrible shit in the 80s. It's like someone watched Tom Green and like didn't get what was like he was doing, just got the results. Just saw, oh, it's hilarious because like in Borat or something like that. He's annoying those people. Yeah, that's what if you would annoy the viewer? What if the viewer was the target of the bit?

Yeah, what if the movie hates the audience? Also love the very ending of the movie where. They bring back the Marilyn Monroe bit, right? And we're back with the framing device where with the guy who's been recording her vagina, I guess, the whole movie. Yeah, we got to close this loop. Everybody remembers it and and knows that we're flipping through channels. We're expecting it.

It's that type of movie where you expect everything to be buttoned up. And and then there's just these two other guys who are also people we've seen through the movie. One's like the 17 year old kid. And the other one is like one of the one of the unhoused people that they used, I'm pretty sure. Yeah, like and. I think the implication is just that Marilyn Rose

doing her classic Marilyn Monroe, you know, photo shoot thing. And the draft is kicking up her dress. And that makes that makes him so horny. So they start jerking off. And of course, they they come and they come through the grate and it lands on Vince Offer's face. And he says that's why it's called the underground comedy movie. What are you talking about?

And who are you talking to? What does that mean? It's what is going on in this man's brain. I need to know. I don't know, but he he stayed under that pouring semen for a long time. Waited for the second one to finish. Marilyn Monroe didn't seem to mind these two guys masturbating right in front of her because she was having such a good time on that grate.

This is I think it points to like the the nimble elegance of this guy's brain. That he saw a picture of Marilyn Monroe and thought she did that for four hours straight because in the picture, she's not moving. And so he thought Marilyn Monroe must have stayed. That's all I know about Marilyn. I know that one masturbated to it. So they must have been there at the time masturbating to it. All right.

It's just such such an imagination. I'm not great and think that's got to be an old time is come great. You know, there's probably someone under that great. Right. Yeah. The mop up the come there has to be. So that guy's get that guy's get and come all over him. What if I did I just did I just invent come getting on people? Oh, I did sue the fairly brothers.

Time for a lawsuit. That only thing I want to get to on on Vince Vince offer here is that you didn't cover is that I found out in my research for this that he tried to sell Sham Wow. Covid masks. Hell, of course he did. And I just I never had words for this until now. But the kind of guys that have to resort to showing tits

instead of learning what a joke is and still think they're really funny are absolutely all Covid scammers today. Like it's the same pool. Yeah. Venn diagram is just a circle. It's perfect. And I love their TikTok videos. Where they tell me how to be how to how to diversify my portfolio. You put it into different coins.

You see, you put in different cryptos. I can't wait to invest in their come coin. Yeah. The practice. The practice. No. Shit. In the hundreds of your anastanda.

Cops on. You can't see the mob. I start. And I'm. I start. What the fuck. I'm. I'm.

I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm.

I'm. Yeah. No. I'm. Let me tell you about the night. The Supremes crashed a little Halloween party called the Monster Mash. The zombies were out. Having fun.

The party had just begun. The guests included Wolfman. Dracula. And his son. And three finger Louis. Erin Crosston. Adrian H. Alpha scientist Javel. An Andy brought a succubus as his plus one.

And everybody could tell. Andres Larsen spiked the punch with holy water. Armando Navar, Benjamin Sairani, Bim Talzer locked Dracula out on the porch and it really hurt his feelings. Brandon Garlak, Brian Saylor, Brian Whitney, Brockway loves the meat milly and nobody appreciates the PDA.

Burrito Mouth took a swing at the devil. Cyril, Rev, Chance McDermott was tripping balls so hard he thought everyone was normal. Chris Brower, Julius Glare, Dan B. Dracula politely asked the artist formerly known as Devin to leave after he puked in the blob. Dean Costello, Donald Finney. Dr. Awkwood brought Dr. Awkwood's monster

and was very pedantic when people called the monster Awkwood but that was not what they meant. Eric Spaulding, Fancy Shark. Jellaho just kept making Frankensteins until they drank all the beer. Greg Cunningham just kept fighting drunk Frankensteins. Hamboon, Arakha, Hot Fat, Jaber Al-Aden. James Boyd brought a Van Helsing as a date

and not one of the chill ones. Jeff Orozky, Jeremy Neal, John Dean, John Hector McFarlane transformed into a bat because it's way cheaper to get drunk as a bat. John McCammon, John Minkoff, Josh Pavey, Josh S, Ken Paisley, K&M. M. Jahi Chappelle broke the chandelier trying to show off for the wolfman

and he was not impressed. Matt Riley, Max Barois split into six parts and hid himself around the mansion but nobody looked for him. Michael Lea, Michael Wells was a perfect gentleman but Mickey Lohman was the malignant monster on his back and a total embarrassment. Mike Stiles, Mojoo, Andy, Neil Bailey,

Neil Shaffer ate every single one of the mummy's hard-boiled eggs. Those were work snacks. Nick Ralston, Ozzy Orlit. Patrick Herps made the monster from the black lagoon cry in the coat closet. Rayne Vargas, Briannan, Sarkovsky, Sean Chase brought a pure mood CD

and wouldn't stop playing it because it was his words so funny. Spotty reception. Supernaught summoned a demon and made it do a keg stand. Ted H, Timi Lehi, Dostigad, Tom Sakuula, Tommy G. Waylon Russell spray-painted all the hellhounds pink because he thought it would be cute.

Yossarian let all the hellhounds out and it was not cute. Aidan Moet but dialed the cops. The monster cops, they did the bash. They beat those monsters ass, the monster bash. It was monster police brutality.