The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - Dogg Zzone 9000 - Episode 97, Kumite: The Home Game, with Zak Koonce And Vanessa Guerrero

Episode Date: October 26, 2022

Bloodmaster Brockway invites Seanbaby, Zak Koonce, and Vanessa Guerrero to play Kumite: The Home Game. The ONLY all-audio Dungeons and Dragons 5e campaign that is also the movie Bloodsport. This is the setup episode, where you'll meet, fall in love with, and have your heart spinkicked in half by your new favorite characters.

1-900 HOT DOG 1-900 HOT DOG Our podcast slams with maximum hype Say HOT DOG podcast word Yeah When you taste that nitrate power You're in the dog zone for an hour Come on

You got the number 1-900 1-900 HOT DOG 1-900 HOT DOG 1-900 HOT DOG 1-900 HOT DOG 1-900 HOT DOG 1-900 HOT DOG

Yeah, 9000 Welcome to the Dog Zone 9000 The official podcast of 1-900 HOT DOG America's final comedy website I'm Dungeons Robert Brockway And with me is Dragons Shawn Baby What happens when we combine

We become best friends Already best friends I was looking for something more sexual But okay, we're about to do the setup episode For our new podcast miniseries Where we'll be playing Bloodsport As a D&D campaign And each player will be playing

One of the foundational delusions Of main character Frank Dukes Joining us today is the human Thaco, Zac Coons Wait, what? You pronounce it Thaco? Oh, this is good. How do you pronounce it? Oh, the other way. Let's have a big fight

Oh, let's then we'll make up Let's all pronounce it at the same time Ready? 1, 2, 3 Thaco! My father's penis! Damn it! I was quite, I was the guy in the meme That's sitting in the background, lighting the crack pipe

While two girls like pull each other's hair That was a nerd test And we both failed and you passed Zac, that's a good guess Thaco is an old school D&D thing And if you ask me to explain it I will politely decline It means to hit armor class 0

Right, right, sure, of course And Vanessa... Don't worry, I will not ask you to explain it Don't worry, I could not possibly I don't even know how to Discover how to give a shit Our third player... It's like Greenwich Mean Time for punching someone

GMT punching, I got you Vanessa Guerrero is our third player She's not with us tonight, her parents are running late Because they're Ford Wind Starcraft The bed again, and you guys She was bringing the Mountain Dew I'm sorry This is gonna be the worst D&D session ever

My mom has Apple juice And she says that's like Nature's Mountain Dew But then I called her a bitch And that's why Super Nintendo Got taken away, so... That's fair I'm sorry Anyway, Zac, anything you'd like to plug?

For now, same old shit That I plugged the last nine times I've been on here Just, we're still Hitting the The end of Larry, our reimagining Of the Obi-Wan Kenobi series It's six episodes Obi-Wan was six episodes, so hours of six episodes

This last one is coming out Hopefully, maybe even by the time You hear this I'm really trying to answer He's doing alright, he's He's gonna get offered a second chance And then he's gonna fuck it all up So that's what

Dirtbags do That's the hot dog rule of Marking something, is that you have to spend exactly As much time as the thing that exists Making fun of it We usually triple or quadruple it I think we've got it on OT on that one

At least as much time as The real thing We've also actually hired people That worked on the show itself Some of the graphics in the show Were done by someone that has done The visual effects At Obi-Wan, so he was very proud

Of his voice force too, he's like I think I may now be the only person Credited on Obi-Wan and Larry To start We'll see He put a Kirby in one of our episodes We had Larry coming down In the desert where there was a

Vision of Anakin standing in the desert Which was really dumb and didn't make sense Kirby standing out there instead Which makes a whole lot more sense You're right, it all comes together You're really up to the game for us We're gonna now have to start hiring The people that we make fun of to help us make fun of it

You gotta go deeper You gotta get too close to it Don Diebel on the podcast Oh my god, could you imagine I bet Godek would do it Did you retract down? Diebs? He found us He tried to copyright strike us

He tried, he's in the process We might not be clear on that He found you the most bitch ass way possible Anyway, that was Zach's plug Yep Great plug, I make the full use of my time I will reap the rewards from this one I want to plug the OralMots

YouTube channel that's spelled O-R-A-L Oral Like our favorite kind of ASMR Oral with an A-U Like the sound kind of Oral It's very clever With all of the erotic thumbnails Of Zach doing some hip stretching

Yeah It's a play on the classic phrase I'm an OralMot and I'm gonna suck that dick clean It's a play on words If you can see what we're going for there You'll know what you're in store for Still technically your plug It's great

Alright, I'll take it away from you I'd like to plug the PuxcoStore.com P-O-X-C-O Where we either have blood sport The home game t-shirts up Or we're total fucking idiots Both equally likely

Honestly at this point You've done some fun stuff on the store Brock, we like ran some stuff Through the AI generators And found some, you know That was our Discord fans Have started running Hotdog related prompts through

Guys and sometimes running Like a hotdog related prompt Somebody tried to I think it was Adrian Explained Popsicle Pete to a robot Through text And then the robot spat back Some insane text about vampires

And then we fed that Into one of the art robots And it fed back a Hungarian movie Poster of Jeff Just like a popsicle priest Trying to fight some sort of Ghost ramp We made a shirt out of that

And every time we do that Because I Best shaky and untrustworthy On the morality of this I don't feel right profiting Even though other people are So we are doing those every once in a while And doing them for charity

And if you want to see more about that Go to the Discord If you make that shirt, I would like one We are going to be rerunning all of the Well, I'm talking about the Bloodsport one If it's the shirt that I'm thinking about If that becomes a shirt My plan is to do that

But God, we are racing my memory for the store We are racing like how quickly I'm going to forget we have a store again Let's talk about your D&D experience How familiar Are each of you with the game before this How big a narrative I did play when I was a kid

But I lived so far out of town That the only person I played with was my brother And he Basically only liked to fight Which is fine, so we would sort of Just sprint through a module It would take us like 20 minutes And we would destroy something that was supposed to take a team of friends

Like 4 months And we did that about once every 6 years And But I did like the books and I always wished I had more Dungeons & Dragons fans Living out in the woods with me I did play recently with Michael Swame He had a crew from IGN that he played with

I don't think I was good at it I'm bad at theatrics So once things start to beat Once you're starting to Have a discussion with NPCs I'm like, this fucking sucks Because you've only been taught fighting Exactly

I'm only trained in the combat part I'm that way in real life too If we're talking for more than 40 seconds I will start thinking about fighting Every conversation tree leads to smash Alright So this is perfect for you This is the D&D game you were meant to play

Yeah, I'm surprised I would have expected more D&D experience from you for some reason I did play in college We played Riffs Which is a type of groups It was like this RPG system Called Gerps and they made Riffs

Which was them gluing a bunch of shit together To try to make this world work With like advanced Superheroes So they added a thing called Mega Damage Which was like 100 times better than regular damage It was just the most haphazardly Constructed system

But also the world was like that too So it was just all these riffs open And then you had vampires and cyborgs and dinosaurs And so it was really stupid But that's kind of what we were into We probably played that four times Nerd shit back before Somebody was like, we should wrangle these fucking nerds

And make something usable out of this We should turn the internet into Celebration of this stuff But I played some Dungeons & Dragons video games I guess, you know, I'm very familiar with it Yeah, the video game side Is basically All I'm familiar with

I had a couple friends that played it I just took one look at it, I saw a graph paper And I was instantly out, I don't know why I'm usually way more imaginative than that But it just for some reason didn't connect with that That format Have you ever seen people full on playing Like, Mech Warrior

Where they get out the rulers and the protractors That's too much for me Too much, yeah Whatever that is It looked like homework, that's why You're using the same shit that I use for homework I don't want to touch this stuff any more than I have to It also seems so slow, I'm going to shoot that robot

Now, in Dungeons & Dragons you roll a dice, that's fine But this is like, okay, let's check for partial cover Total cover Your ammunition, your heat You guys be fucking kidding Well, he's in a full run, so you also have to take that What the fuck? I need a dude to hang it off the back

Just pouring water onto me the whole time, what? Oh, that sounds great You're selling me on this Two yoga ladies eating chips in my ears It's fucking, it's too much Kissing my earlobes Oh, I'm supposed to focus We're now doing callbacks

To things that were not in the podcast I feel like that's a pretty staple Hot dog move I think that's happened in every episode I didn't feel like I was privy to The audience, me, as the audience Was not here for this Yeah, that's definitely one of our standard moves

I just like to point it out now So that somebody isn't like, okay, shit Now I have to hunt down this reference Clearly, these comedians At the top of their game know what they're doing It wouldn't be referencing callbacks I must understand I need to find the connection between

Yoga girls eating chips and Mech Warrior And you could lose a life You could just lose a whole life that way I also forget when we started Officially too, because in my mind That was the top of the episode I also thought it was On the show, you say top of the game

So I legitimately did fail Because I thought that was on the show So I've only played Two actual games of D&D Both of them in my adult life I was Not crazy Crazy about it

Same thing, I don't have the Patience for theatrics So I was like, whatever Hit on the person I'll always just default to try to be I'll try to break the game in some way Yeah, exactly The Dungeon Master, if they have any sense

Are probably ready for those kind of shenanigans But they're just like Boring to them, they're like, alright You're gonna be that guy tonight, okay But then we get to the fighting Because video games are my closest experience You know, I play a lot of Knights of the Old Republic

Things that have behind the scenes dice As part of the system, I get it So I was ready for that, and my character Build just, I guess Sucked real bad, because I've Landed a sum total of zero out of Five attacks Into

My Dungeons & Dragons experience I've whiffed every single attempt I've made in an attack I just didn't like it This sucks, like I put all my shit into Dexterity, I should have hit that guy You decided that I didn't somehow And now I hate you You don't get to decide that for me, you son of a bitch

Yeah I can hit stuff, let's fucking do it right now So this is gonna go very well You're in a great spot to go play Dungeons & Dragons So I'm going to have to Really work to win you over I guess my next question has already been answered

Which was if you had a favorite game Or a least favorite game, and it sounds like Both of your answers are Every game has been my least favorite Yeah I don't remember a favorite game Or maybe my most and least favorite game Are kind of the same

I've already hinted at this in our Marvel Quest probe episode, The Incredible Hulk one Where My character that I really loved I played a war robot Accidentally brought to life By like an errant magical blast Which of course he recognizes the plot

To short circuit, so I just Played fantasy Johnny 5 And it was so much fun, it was the best Because everybody knows like instantly How to interact with that Here's, I give you that Here's my guy, and immediately Just I'm a party robot

And the team exactly knew what To do about it, like one other guy was like Okay, well we're best buds now Because I'm going to teach you human friendship Like yes, instantly you know This is what we're doing, and so it ruled But like As the game went on

Some DMs are just like this They keep injecting like romantic subplots In And it seemed like the other players were kind of into it Like they each had some sort of Rolling romance going on Until one day he introduced a female robot Into the mix

Which just That's not how short circuit works, first of all You know, it would have made one more movie You had Allie You had Allie Sheedy there anyway You joined a gang, you were like One movie away from The Robo Bang

But no, the female robot and like Los Lobos I think it was just Los Lobos Los Lobos kick your ass That means the robots Los Lobos kick your face Los Lobos kick your balls into outer space Of course

Remember that for the rest of my life There are things I forget about my friends But I'll remember that There's two things, two distinct movie moments To give me that kind of second hand embarrassment And that's one of them, and then the other one is the The rap from Teen Witch Did you guys ever watch that?

I'm the king! Top that! Top that! It's so long, too How long can you watch this without Just squirming out of your seat? You are a true warrior If I was writing that screenplay And I'd be like, okay, we want to do a rap scene

But if we can't get the Proper performers We've got to have a plan B And they did not have a plan B They thought they were still good to go on plan A Nobody saw a problem with it Nobody was self-aware enough at the time To stop

There's a great version of that scene Somewhere in an alternate universe That just ends with one of them getting hit by a car Because they're out in the middle of the street In the blind corner And just in the middle of that rap Somebody not even got obliterated Just like knocked down with a car

That's a great scene That changes it all over Anyway, the female robot showed up I knew it was over And sure enough, it took a few sessions to get going And then At the start of one, he said I've made a robot anal sex table

If we get there Kind of half-joking With a full heart on That's how you He wasn't fully joking If anybody says like I've made a robot anal sex table If we get there, you're gonna get there

He was the one in charge of it, right? To make sure you get there You're not That's not going to waste I'm not gonna make a left turn somewhere And you're like, I guess I always do Automatically connect D&D people

In my adult life With polyamorous people Was this guy just hoping this turned into real Fucking? Like a passive goal of the night Everybody needed a romantic interest Anyway, I'm sure they all fell in love And lived happily forever

Because I waited for the break And then I slipped out the back door Jumped the fence and ran away You missed the real robot anal sex Yes I never discovered that table It kind of haunts me a little bit I think about it sometimes

You find yourself in a room filled with banana peels On the other side of the room is a robot butthole Hey, where's Robert? Why do we need a... What's on the table? Why do I always have to end up fucking these robot buttholes myself? Curses Every good DM, of course

Will find a way to use something It never goes to waste if you don't use it On the line, he used that robot anal sex table Somebody fuck that robot I can't imagine what would be on it I hate that I'm trying That's the curse Forever you're gonna be like

No Do you think there's 20 items on there or is it a D4? I don't know, I never found out Is there a critical failure And a critical success? I know what those two things are The critical failure and critical success I got that

Like an 8 What's the middle there? Also, I like how your reaction to this Was the same as me At a real Orgy I snuck out the back door and ran away Not for me

This is not my thing I don't care if I'm even sneaky about it I don't care if anybody sees me doing it I'm fucking I'm a dust cloud I just don't have any scenario In my past experience that has taught me How to politely decline this

I guess it's just flea It's the only button that's being smacked Inside my brain That's a natural human mechanic I just bought him Float the table going to a berserker rage That's why I fuck up every Orgy I'm in That's the Riley D&D man

It gets competitive It turns into a fight Can't fuck me, I'm fucking you If I was in an Orgy and someone threw An elbow drop on me That's fucking way better I know what we're doing now I love the term this is taken

And there it is, the perfect And only segue to our Bloodsport RPG setup episode We are back and you have each Had time to make your characters And you have each Hopefully had time To reflect and become

A little bit more Frank Dukes Than you were before Impossible, I was maxed out I think you can always be A little bit bigger of a liar I mean, it's possible To max out some stats But I think Liar just keeps going

There's an interesting point Okay, so let's You're very handsome You'll never know whether that was an insult Or a very nice thing to say That's how Frank Dukes I am That was it, that was my confidence It's just gone

Either way, you have gained XP And have increased your stats Thank you, leveled up at what cost You're going first now Tell me about your character That you made as an unstoppable kick machine The one good Aspect that makes up a Frank Dukes

I am a stout halfling Barbarian the O5 My name is Tarantino Liefeld And how was that How was that a pollution Of Frank Dukes? How was it a pollution to Frank Dukes? Yeah, I asked that all of your names

Be some sort of Some sort of spin on Frank Dukes Oh, I didn't realize I was trying to focus on the feet So I went with someone who really, really loves feet And someone who very much fears feet And also just wasted Your second kid's name in the process

Yes, I I My organizations are United States Army, CIA Navy Seals, Tanaka Clan World Kickboxing, Karate World Champion Karate League Karate, Black Dragons Ninja Organizations, too numerous to name

Dukes Ryu Fun Club for Kids Dukes Ryu Ninjutsu Dukes Ryu Beginner Ninjutsu World Record Holder Exclusive Newsletter Club Foot Locker Rewards, Kumite Buddies My enemies are None Living United States Armed Service, All Weapons of One Piece, Beyond Weapons

Webcrawler Ask Jeeves and Google My back story is I just wanted to see the sword and if you're expecting me to be his punching bag you can forget it Pretty good accent, too Wow, that is fantastic Tell me a little bit about your abilities

and your class How you interpreted Unstoppable Kick Machine I went with just the straight Barbarian rules I can enter into a frenzy attack or a rage as a bonus action Uh, you will find I'll never not do that. Uh, and that's something I never understood about the Barbeque in class.

It's like, what, why would you not? It's, it's like the Voltron thing where they don't turn into Voltron and you're like, but we all know the solution is to turn into Voltron. You guys are going to fuck around as lions for 20 minutes. Like, let's, let's stop playing games. Uh, I, I think that's it. I have an unarmed attack because I have no inventory.

I am just feet. It's just all feet all the time. Okay. That's my character. I have, um, a lot of strength and dexterity, uh, and charisma, but no wisdom or intelligence. I think that's a pretty good unstoppable kick machine. And so as we play this, you can spin it in your character

sheets themselves, or we can just do it line by line as we go through the game. But obviously when you use an ability, it's not going to be, I fire magic missile or whatever in blood sport. Although, although, no, no, that's too crazy. Uh, so you'll have to tell me what that looks like. So I think just having no inventory, you'll just be using unarmed attacks.

Everything's just going to be, so you're not using a weapon and then reframing a great acts as a great axe kick or something. I have face kick and dick kick. I guess if I'm listening all my abilities, I have 100% of your abilities. And I have splits kick, but I'm, that's just a variation on face kick. Okay.

So you, you don't, you, you don't have splits punch to the balls. Sure. I don't really have hands. I can do the splits and someone else can do the punch. Okay. We'll have to keep that in mind as like a, like a combo attack. When you both queue up, you'll do the splits and somebody else

will like lean over your shoulder and punch the balls. Like a blaster master punch. Am I crazy? I thought we were all like making up one person. I thought like, not body part wise, but like we were all, like the internal like Herman's head of Frank Dukes. Yes. You're fine.

This is fine. You're doing good. Okay, good. We're all like pilots of this very stupid ship. Yes. You are the pilot of the, the part of Frank Dukes that kicks ass, which is just in his imagination. But for the purposes of this game, that is a real person,

his imagination of what a fucking badass he is. And that's you. Herman's head is a very old reference. Inside out would be the more current reference. Oh, that's right. I've got them ripped off Herman's head. Yes. I'm the foot inside the inside out, like control center.

All right. How about Zach? I am. I guess I would be the, the mind, the sense of reason. I'm Drank Fox. I heard your Shidochi taught you to keep an open mind. That's actually one of my special skills, keeping an open mind. I actually have gaze, gaze of two minds.

That's my special action. That's so open. The openness of two minds. And you are, you are his, the aspect of Frank Dukes that is a karate shaman. Karate shaman, right. And so I have very high wisdom, very high charisma and intelligence because most of my fighting style relies on the speed at which I can make something up and then convince someone else that it's true.

So that's a, and then there's a lot of like energy, you know, no touch. So basically the, the, the dim mock is the basis of everything else I can do. This sort of weird, like compression explosion power that I redirect that into everything else I do. So I've got a lot of like no touch attacks in my, in my inventory. I do have a great club and a mace for some reason, but that was you and I were working together because I'm a D&D baby. As we, as we discussed earlier, I don't know what I'm doing.

Yeah. You can, I mean, you can use those when you hit the button in an attack, but you're going to have to tell me what that actually looks like in the world of blood sport. So it's like mace fist and great club dick. I mean, they don't have to be named mace and great club. It could just be like, uh, it can't know, right? Sure.

Could hit two handed Captain Kirk, you know, axe punch. I did make a class wise. I'm a human warlock that seemed like warlock was the closest in ability to the karate shamans. So I didn't come up with cool backstories though. Cause again, you know, doesn't have like karate monks. Yeah. What he chose and we must respect him.

Right. We did. The monk involved a lot more just regular karate though. That seemed more appropriate for like, oh yeah, that makes sense. So I had to go with magic karate. So I can appreciate that. I think I made the right choice. And this is all about spinning it in the game.

So he's going to have all of these abilities that are, are, you know, eldritch blasts and things like that. And they're going to be no touch karate instead. And you're going to tell me what that looks like each time. So I imagine if you're picturing a guy, picture all those YouTube videos you've seen of those Chi guys that just get fucking demolished when somebody. George Dillman. Yep.

Yeah. I'm school of George Dillman all the way. That's going to be the basis of most of my jokes. If I'm pictured that whole bag of tricks right now. Right. Right. So like, go watch all those videos because they're hilarious. And then imagine if it worked one time and like, how cool that would be.

We actually knocked out Stefan Bonner. Yeah. Real quick, uh, Zach, did you read the article on the site about the, uh, the death martial arts? The debt, like death or death martial arts? Def DEAF. I did not. Okay.

So there's this guy and he was teaching sign language as a martial art. Like you would call someone a monster and then that was sort of like a little karate attack. And it hurt them. Like it's so good. Yeah. It's, it's one of the most uniquely insane things I own. So I make fun of that.

And the guy emails me and he's like, dude, you got to take this down. And I'm like, yeah, I mean, you, you made some, your thing is fucked up. I'm going to keep it up and, but, but I'm also like, but he's deaf. So I'm like, he kind of has a point. Maybe I'm an asshole, but he didn't want me to take it down because that was mean. He wanted me to take it down because he, uh, was associated with George Dilman. Like that's how he got his martial arts start, which is how he decided sign language would be the perfect avenue for kicking somebody's ass because George

Dilman poisoned his brain. And so he's like, dude, I just don't want people Googling me and finding out I have anything to do with that maniac. I don't mind the whole sign language. Monster, adorable fight. It's fun. I mean, and yeah, George Dilman just did the exact same thing that Robert is doing right now.

He went to this deaf guy and says, take your, take my bullshit thing, but spin it in your way so that all your deaf attacks are actually George Dilman attacks, but not on the surface. Okay. Holy shit. The perfect martial arts gymnast never stops just getting more and more insane. I, it's in a world of reason and just, you know, observable and repeatable success of mixed martial arts.

It just blows my mind that this shit still exists. Yeah. Yeah. I love it. I guess it's like any fad diet, right? Yeah. Everybody, nobody actually wants to just exercise and eat better. They want this, an easy shortcut that they could tell themselves is working.

Yeah. They want to be the, uh, Tai Chi guy getting thrown by like a jiu-jitsu guy. Right. Yeah. There's, I mean, I want to watch that video and says, I want to be that guy just getting completely dominated with a confused look on his face. They're going to be different.

They're all, that's part of, yeah, that's part of the, uh, the sales pitch is that you will be different. Like that one jiu-jitsu guy, like, listen, he's wrecked 3700 of our brother. And, but you're going to be the chosen one. Yeah. Speaking as someone delusional and lazy, uh, it sounds way more enticing to just have like no touch pressure point instant shutdown of a guy. Yeah.

For sure. Uh, based entirely on how hard I can imagine it happening. Cause I can imagine it happening really good. And, uh, but I can't punch really good. So I mean, you go where the skills lead you. Yeah. It's a good point. And you don't have to do setups.

It's all, right. Right. I can sit there and eat a pizza and imagine myself kicking your ass and then look up and find out you kicked your own ass. And that's great. There is, uh, I'm sure a shot at some point in your years of training, you've run into somebody who crossed over. They tried to go from some kind of bullshit style and, and try their hand at

like something more practical. I guess I mean, I've had the guys like when we're like grappling and they've tried to do pressure point shit on me, just like kind of confused, a little angry, but just kind of like sad, bro. This is actually like, this is besage. You, you understand that, right? That you're massaging me right now. Like I'm not crippled.

I'm not, I'm not like, like, destroyed. Like you're just, you're actually like, you're working some knots out. I didn't realize that, you know, that, that, that area could use some work. Thank you. Uh, reminded me of a time a guy was, uh, asking me questions about the tight clench and he had it like all wrong. And I'm like, no, I can show you. I mean, I'll have to grab your head, but I'll show you.

And so I showed him and, and after I let him go, he was like, did you see how I had my hands? And I'm like, I don't know what he mean. And he had his hands like weird, like, like he said, I could have broken your neck if I wanted. And so I was like, you're telling me, like, after like a thousand years of Muay Thai, like you've, you've debunked it. Like none of them thought to try to just pull the guy's head off after all those generations.

He's like Terence Howard, proving that he like, claiming that he's proven science incorrect after all these years, but, but I couldn't convince him. Cause I was, I was like, you can try to break my neck like that if you want. He's like, no, I kill you. I'm like, no, I promise you, you will not kill me. Sign a waiver. I had one more tangent. I had one friend actually take me up on that.

We were playing Soul Calibur. I kept just destroying him to the point where a frustration. And he was like, none of that fucking jiu-jitsu shit will save you. If I, if I wanted to really kick your ass, you know, the whole like, oh, like, yeah, this is a video. He would know it was real. I would get you. And I'm like, he's like, you got all those rules and shit.

I'm like, what are you talking about? He's like, you know, I could just do whatever I want. I'm like, what makes you think that I couldn't also do? Whatever I want. In addition, you learned rules, right? Yeah. So I was like, we were drunk enough. I was like, all bets are off, bro.

You do whatever you want. Eye gouges, nut grabs, whatever you think will work. You do it. And I had to go. He got choked out in like 10 seconds. He was so mad at me, too. He's like, you choke me so hard. I got like a bruised necklace.

I was like, you're supposed to tap out. You were trying to go for my eyes the whole time. You should have been just tapping out. He figured all that. Dude, I think he gets stronger when he's angry. You know, I see red, bro. Oh, I see red. I get so mad.

And then like, it's like, no, every dude that fights angry fights like shit. Yeah. Also, I feel like that's a wash, right? Like the other guy's going to be kind of cranky, too. Yeah, super cranky. And there's also things people don't understand, too. For your listeners, you've never been in a fight.

There's something called an adrenaline dump. When you see red, that's your body deciding if it wants to run away or just put everything it's got into like one super punch. And then what happens is your body devours every single nutrient, carb, anything you've got for energy in like the span of 10 seconds. And then you just want to fucking puke for the like the next 10 minutes. This sounds like a great scam diet. It is just be scared for your life.

Exploiting adrenaline dump, simulating near death experience. Fun fact, I have barfed at the end of every single adrenaline dump. Even if it's something as simple as like really escalated interaction, I don't know it's something that like Alessia finds kind of charming. But like, let's say I have a pitch meeting that's like really intense and it goes really well and I like get something approved. I'll straight up just walk out and vomit. I don't know like an animal under why my body decided to do this.

But like any time I've just gone through like sheer adrenaline of something where I'm just like, whoa, that was a really hated interaction from a stranger. Excuse me, like, at least you chose a career of entertainment with lots of on air talent appearances. Right. Just just do me a favor. Next time you're about to give a pitch, eat a banana. It'll save your life. You won't throw up.

The body will consume that banana and you'll have enough energy left over to instead of consuming whatever else. Your body will just be like, thank God, we finally have a banana. It's been how many years? I'm going to be so mad if a banana is the thing. Really funny. You could try channeling it. No fireball.

Just fucking blast Kevin Pereira in the face of the Hadouken. It might work. You never know. Look, either it either solves it either solves all your problems or you hilariously vomit up an awful of reformed banana out of your mouth. Just whole somehow I just put it back together. Those are the two options. Those are it. Yeah.

Both of them are great options for their own reasons. Both equally impressive in different ways. Well, I hope this game goes so well that we make you adrenaline bar. How about that? By the way, this is how I play every game of Dungeons and Dragons. That's pretty much how this is. I talk for 30 minutes and then we never get around to Dungeons and Dragons. A DHD gang rise up.

So we do that makes for a great podcast, though. It's going to make for a terrible game, but that's kind of the poor. Because they're speaking of Vanessa. Yes. Tell me about your character. So my character is the part of Frank Dukes that is a ninjutsu liar. So Francine Ducks sucks. Her intelligence is at a negative one.

Wisdom is at a hard zero. But charisma is a three, meaning a young dumb and full of cum. So I know everyone's like a cool level five or whatever. But as a ninjutsu liar, I've got like a lot of cool shit under my belt. I am a level five monk because I'm super good at punching and also religious if I need to, if it gets in someone's pants. I'm a bard because I'm like really good at shredding on the guitar. And I can play Wonderwall when I need to if it gets in someone's pants.

I'm a fighter because I'm like really good at it and I'm really, really like mad. So that makes me amazing at it. And like, I just like go crazy. And then I'm also like a ranger because like I am both the law and above the law and I'm a level five at all of these because I'm just like amazing. And don't Google my name. Damn it. You fucking unlock the ninja liar like to perfection.

You might recognize in in game, this plays out as she is actually a level 20 character, multi-classing level. I'm good at everything and she's good at everything. However, every single role she makes will be at triple disadvantage. A good liar will never, ever have to make a role. Yes, you could either never have to make a role. But if you have to check, you're either going to fail it miserably and it will be hilarious or you're going to do something fucking incredible.

And every once in a while, the lie is going to work. Sometimes a broken clock is like in charge of saving a barge of refugee children twice a day. That's true. That's Frank. That's a normal day for Frank Dukes. That's a great day for Frank Dukes. You got to stop making fun of him, guys. Every time people make fun of him on the internet,

and this is what he said on a podcast recently, we undermine negotiations for hostages in North Korea, like a ha ha ha real funny. People dive when you make fun of Frank Dukes. Yes. And that's a promise of this podcast. Every single time we run an episode, somebody will die in North Korea. And it's all our faults. Because we are questioning Frank Dukes. I hope so.

Is that are we going to kill multiple people in North Korea? Like every or is it just one per episode? I think it's probably one per episode, unless this really catches on. Right. Right. Like with our normal audience, I think there's no way we're taking down more than one. I could just see some North Korea in general. The doors open wide. There's this big table with a council on there and Frank Dukes walks in.

They're like, so, Mr. Dukes, you like you like to lie a little bit, it seems, don't you? You are a silly man, according to the Dungeons and Dragons. Of course, I am. I'm amazing at it. What do you know of hot dogs? They say you wear socks on your hands to turn invisible. That's dumb. Show us. We're killing the prisoners.

Actually, I said that you. I can prove I said that. It's amazing that we didn't make that up. There is a Navajo white wall right there a fetish before our eyes of this man dies. If you think that's dumb, try to find my hands. I think you just killed 20 people. I'm going to just say that's how it works.

That's right, because then they they looked up that other podcast where he talked about the Navajo socks. Right. The more we reference him, the worse this is going to go. I'm just picturing a scenario that gets better and better where they just keep playing this stuff back while he's just standing in the middle of this big giant room. Just he just there to negotiate. That's all he wanted. He was there to save lives.

Just podcast after podcast, just fucking it up for him. I get the idea that like bringing up any of his lies. It just adds four hours to the discussion with Frank Dukes. They're like, hey, this guy says that you can't turn invisible by wearing socks on your hands. And he's like, well, see, when I said that and then it's like four hours later. And he's still explaining every hair splitting to tail.

And nobody believes it anymore, but everybody's really tired of hearing it tapped out. So yeah, so it's a submission against the ropes. Right. They're willing to give him whatever leverage he needs to get out of there. That's the power your character has, Vanessa. That's how it's going to play out until you say I'm telling the truth. And I guess it's possible

you've got two hundred and forty knockouts in a tournament. As long as I can go home now. Yes, that's fine. OK, so they are pregnant now and punched out a guy at the same time. I do like the baby can kick. I do like that your character, a lot of your descriptions ended with

whatever gets me laid, because that it's that's the unspoken goal at the end of all, I'd say most martial arts, not just fake martial arts, but everyone that imagines themselves with their cheap power is definitely picturing a blow job at the end of that journey. For sure. That's. That's like the entire first half of executioners from Chowlin. You know, I didn't see that one.

It's a blow job. People that want to have sex with each other and they're really good at martial arts and they keep doing martial arts in front of each other until eventually they have a child together through the magic of martial arts when they're fighting in the woods and the guys like magic pussy eating attack. And he like whips his tongue back. This is a real thing.

I'm not that I've seen. Yes, I know that's a real thing. I don't believe it's a kind of film movie. No, I can't remember what it's called. But it's this one is actually the first appearance of Pi May. Oh, I think I saw a gif of what you're talking about, Zach. And back when I was at crack and thought this could be a funny like list. If I could get some other options for like kung fu pornography.

I think it was like two minutes into pornography research. I just bail on it every time. Like, no, this is horrible. You should never Google pornography plus a second keyword. But now you should because we have a home for that. We have a home for exactly that terrible thing that you said you did. I just can't get into it. Yeah. But if it's just one silly thing I already know about,

I don't have to do any porn research. Then, yeah, I guess we did create the mixed martial arts porn set. I don't know if anybody's done any extensive write ups on that yet. Ultimate surrender. I'm not going to act like I don't know what it is. I've seen it surrender. Yeah, this is actually made it on my porn hub queue a couple of times.

And I think that's legitimately made me be like my phone is listening to me because I didn't type shit for this. I didn't do anything for this. But the algorithm for for ultimate surrender, ultimate surrender, ultimate surrender, ultimate. This is kink.com. I remember one of my exes was like best pals with the guy who runs kink.com. And I always wanted to talk to him about that because I saw these videos

and it always struck me as funny that one girl is like, hi, we're here to make some fun porn. And then there goes like, I'm going to fucking rip your head up. Yeah, I'm a fighter. Who just want to get paid? So so it was like fascinating in a really non erotic way for me that like that someone would allow this. I got to try to like get inside the head of someone who thought it was hot. I mean, obviously, there's some naked women, but just not in anything

remotely sexual because this girl thought, hey, we're going to like what a wrestle and then kiss a little. The other one's like, no, no, I'm going to I'm going to have you out. Yeah, I'm going to cut the blood flow off to your brain. I learned from our last podcast, which was about Battle Dome that it was very, very funny and interesting to me to watch somebody try to play basketball and then just get punched in the face every time they go. So I think I think maybe the same is going to apply to sex.

Like maybe if somebody's trying to fuck and they just get punched in the face every time they try, that's going to be a thing. So they actually understand it. They're way ahead of you. What happens is they they fight first. It's just a straight up fight. And then the loser gets like bottomed, essentially. OK, it's like it's winner's choice after that.

It's kumite rules. Yeah, exactly. OK, OK. I gave you a fuzzy. They're sexy. I can see on paper how that could work. I'm just saying I this the at least the clips I saw was just outright because that's sort of kink.com's thing. They they make stuff that when you look at it and you're like a normal head like me, you're just like, yeah, yeah, I retire from sex. I'm never doing that again.

But either they used to invite me to the weirdest things and be like, hey, we're going to go to the bar and we're going to watch these two people fuck. And we're just going to like mock them. And I'm like, like, like a show. Yeah. Yeah. And they're like, I'm like, I don't want to be involved in it. I don't want to be a pornographer. I don't want to like mess up somebody. No, no, no, you'd be good at it because you're always making fun of stuff.

I'm like, I don't want to hang out in a room. I don't want fluids like that. Yeah. In the area. Just alcohol. That's so yeah, I knew the site through one of the girls you're talking about like that. Hey, I'm here to just have fun and kiss a little bit. I actually knew a girl that was that part of the equation. Yeah. Then she started doing Jiu Jitsu and then she joined a club that was

I don't know if it's cool or not to shout them out, but it was like all female club that did legitimate Jiu Jitsu training, but they also domed at OK, at night and they had a party. And I was like, a Jiu Jitsu, man, not even once. And they were like, the dudes showed up and they were like, I'm going to pay you to basically just do Jiu Jitsu to me. It didn't get any weirder than that. Other than these guys were just like getting boners

because they were getting knocked out by really a little bit weirder than that. Yeah, but there's the best part was when I go to an actual tournament like a grappler's quest or something and I'd run into those ladies. I'm like, hey, just some regular fight in the day, I guess. Right. This is this is probably like easy money or have you forgotten? Yeah, unless they play their cards, right? You never know. Yeah. Forgot what I actually know.

A few pressure points to shut down a boner on command. Oh, yeah, the neck. Is that a Brockway back? Do we have a little on that one? That's not one of them with Brockway. Anyone will get soft if you punch him in the neck hard enough. Not anyone, baby. This is the most intimate our podcast has ever been.

We're all just like, yeah, we've all lived lives. We we know how it is. We've all we've all been there. I didn't for the record, I did not go make fun of the people having sex. You didn't go to the live fuck show. No, I did not. Because I feel like if you go and do that, if that's like what the thing is, then you're doing it for the people performing. Yeah. Yeah.

They'd be like, it is an honor to to bump ugly as in person for you, Mr. Comedian man. Look at the way his his balls. Look at the way his balls move. It's like a like a drunk middle aged man falling down a hill. Nice ball, buddy. It's like, just because it's you, I'm going to give you this. I'm going to give you a layup.

I'm really insecure about the my non bleached asshole. So just just really. Oh, no, I see that. I'll bring it up. I was I was going to mention that I used to date a dominatrix and she actually invited me to go to her work and make fun of the dudes for this, like the same thing, like like the humiliation fetish. I'm like, I don't want to be a part of some dudes.

Yeah, I don't want to see if he's allowed to. No, he may not be allowed to. Right. I also think thought that I might just be fooling myself. But I thought my deal was that I would find people who kind of wanted attention and I'd make fun of them in a way that did not benefit them, right? Like like most people in a net trolling or trying to get attention. I was like, I always thought I'd find an angle that like tried to show them that that was a mistake.

And so I feel like bringing that energy to someone like I'm just going to ruin their day. If everything goes according to my plans, it's like I'm going to. That's the thing, your plans. It doesn't matter how what your plans are, it's going to give them a boner. Right. If you win, it permanently changes the way he thinks about his dick. Like every time he looks at maybe not the first night, but then I'll get better and better by the 50th time I've watched people go at it.

I'll know how to kill a boner with comedy. The only victory you're going to get is if you get paid for the job. That's it. That's the only job you're going to get. That's well, the dominatrix, there was money. It was a money offer. But I feel like if you could shut it down, mid ejaculation, just with a joke. Oh, man, that's I would call that a victory.

That's the dream. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, that's that's the goal of my dream. Just like just like stabbing the side of a of a garden hose. Just like there it goes. You know, making a little rupturing. What have you done to me, baby? My power. This is consumed, inverted,

like from the from the dick hole void that appears that is crying. I really like this podcast. When this is this is this has been our Dungeons and Dragons podcast. Everybody has an emphasis on the Dungeons. Yeah, we didn't spend too much time on dragons. We were dragging that dude's butthole. I was like, that was my show. And I know exactly who they're talking about.

This is not cool. That guy feels real bad about his dirt button. Speaking of filthy orifices. Do you guys want to do your plugs now? That's a good idea. Go ahead, Vanessa. Yeah. My my podcast, Kicking and Screaming comes back Monday. We won't kick you in the nerds for money,

but we will pair a horror movie and a martial arts movie. And we happen to be coming back with a Van Damme movie. We have paired a basket case with Double Impact. Noise, because they're both movies about evil twins. So tune in Monday, the 29th, because Kicking and Screaming will be back. Additionally, I host and produce a show on G4 TV every Tuesday called Vibe Check. And now they've given me my own movie podcast.

So I'm talking about movies several times a week, and that's going to be airing. It's looking like Thursdays at 11, but that time is subject to move. But yeah, it's awesome. Thank you. Add it to my list. Oh, it's good. You can find Zach on Ultimate Submission.

He wrestles people, Ultimate Surrender. Of course, he's on both. He's on both those. They got a girl, girl, girl, guy, guy. They got something for everybody. He does gorillas mostly and gets bottomed if he loses. And he always tops. Oh, yeah, if I lose, it's because I want it.

No, all the gorilla pressure points. Arm elbow deep on those pressure points. Y'all don't know the pressure point to shut down a gorilla boner. What is this, your first day? You still haven't still haven't done your plug. I have a plug. Yeah, to plug in gorilla pressure points. I am at YouTube backslash are all knots.

A, U, R, A, L and A, U, T, S. We are currently almost done with the full season of Larry, which is a complete redubbing of the Obi-Wan Kenobi show. Larry is a wayward, morally compromised gentleman who just kind of wanders from party to party trying to dance, fight people for drugs. And there's songs too. Very well described.

Yeah. And I would like to plug Eddie Doty for giving me amazing nerd advice to get me started here. I basically came to him hat in hand and said, teach me how to be a less cool guy. And he said, hell, yeah. And he walked me all the way through it. And now, yeah, nobody, my wife doesn't want to touch me anymore.

So thanks. Thanks, Eddie Doty. You should have accomplished. I should have accomplished. Oh, I do have one more plug, because I don't know if Jason's been back on the podcast since it came out. But we are all knots. He commissioned us to write a song for his new book release. Yes, that's right.

He commissioned a song to to market his new book coming out at this book. This you're in the wrong universe. The songs called Books Are My Aesthetic and it's a song about people. Just it's not clear if they want to fuck people or fuck books or just want to read books. It kind of walks or trap them in a labyrinth. Right. Yeah, that rap. Stay for the rap breakdown.

There's some. Yeah, there's some mysticism involved in the two. It gets a little supernatural. As per his request for just like his notes, where I want a song that's about people that are super horny for books, and it should get a little weird in whatever he wants. He had to have been happy with the results. He was we weren't sure. And, you know, his his email tones are kind of similar to his.

Like they're a little dry like he is. Yeah, he's unreadably dry sometimes. But then he wrote back. He's like, I just sent this to my mark, my my social media guy, and he just wrote when you told me that this song was going to be a thing. I didn't believe it was possible. Who are these geniuses? That was that was his feedback based on he was like, pass through feedback.

And so it's I do think he was happy with. Well, I have a clip here. Let me play that. Oh, yeah. We're not taking the cowards away this time. Nobody's we're not going out on Cool Cat. I forgot that. Existing. Yeah, I just listened to that episode, too.

I should have been left to my brain. Cool Cat. Kierri, I by Laura, you by Laura is how you translate. Cool Cat likes to rock and roll into Spanish. Cool Cat likes to. God damn you likes to bottom fighters. I had an ex that sincerely loved Cool Cat, like not in an ironic way, but in like a real way.

And I had a flashback. Eric Savage. Yes, like had an email relationship with Derek Savage to where I would just stand there the entire time. Like I'm being held hostage. Yes, possibly literally. I mean, you yeah, you need to have an exit strategy. You may have been one anniversary away from being in the next Cool Cat video.

Yeah, I would have just been Vivica Fox. Like how did I get here? I'm clearly under duress. Yeah, they're clearly drugged. There's a reason people wind up in those. You could get tore up with Erica Strada. Like, it looks like they're having fun on the set of Cool Cat. Yeah, it might be fun to just mock Cool Cat as he as he fucks.

Howard Howard. Let me tell you about the night. The Supremes crashed. A little Halloween party called the Monster Mash. The zombies were out. Having fun, the party had just begun. The guests included Wolfman, Dracula, and his son. And three finger Louis.

Erin Crosston. Adrian H. Alpha scientist Javo. An Andy Brotter succubus as his plus one. And everybody could tell. Andreas Larsen swiked the punch with holy water. Armando Navar. Benjamin Sairamann.

Bim Talzer locked Dracula out on the porch and it really hurt his feelings. Brandon Garlach. Brian Saylor. Breanne Whitney. Brockway loves the meat millie and nobody appreciates the PDA. Burrito Mouth took a swing at the devil. Cyril. Rev.

Chance McDermott was tripping balls so hard he thought everyone was normal. Chris Brower. Curious Claire. Dan B. Dracula politely asked the artist formerly known as Devin to leave after he puked in the blob. Dean Costello. Donald Finney.

Dr. Awkward brought Dr. Awkward's monster and was very pedantic when people called the monster Awkward but that was not what they meant. Eric Spalding. Fancy Shark. Jellaho just kept making Frankensteins until they drank all the beer. Greg Cunningham just kept fighting drunk Frankensteins. Hamboad. Aracca.

Hot Fat. Jabra Al-Aden. James Boyd brought a van Helsing as a date and not one of the chill ones. Jeff Orozky. Jeremy Neal. John Dean. John Hector McFarlane transformed into a bat because it's way cheaper to get drunk as a bat.

John McCammond. John Minkoff. Josh Paby. Josh S. Ken Paisley. K&M. M.Jahi Chappelle broke the chandelier trying to show off for the wolfman and he was not impressed.

Matt Riley. Max Barois split into six parts and hid himself around the mansion but nobody looked for him. Michael Lea. Michael Wells was a perfect gentleman but Mickey Lohman was the malignant monster on his back and a total embarrassment. Mike Stiles. Mojoo. Andy.

Neil Bailey. Neil Shaper ate every single one of the mummy's hard-boiled eggs. Those were work snacks. Nick Ralston. Ozzy Orlit. Patrick Herps made the monster from the black lagoon cry in the coat closet. Rain Vargas. Rhiannon.

Sarkovsky. Sean Chase brought a pure mood CD and wouldn't stop playing it because it was, his words, so funny. Spotty reception. Supernarth summoned a demon and made it do a keg stand. Ted H. Timmy Leahy. Dostigard.

Tom Saccula. Tommy G. Waylon Russell spray-painted all the Hellhounds pink because he thought it would be cute. Yossarian let all the Hellhounds out and it was not cute. Aidan Mouet. What dialed the cops? The monster cops. They did the bash.

They beat those monsters ass. The monster bash. It was monster police brutality.