The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - Dogg Zzone 9000 - Episode 98, Arena With Zak Koonce

Episode Date: November 2, 2022

Brockway asks Seanbaby and special guest Zak Koonce to talk about the 1989 sci-fi martial arts movie, Arena. It's just Bloodsport but in space, it should be the perfect movie! It's not the perfect movie!

One nine hundred hot dog. One nine hundred hot dog. Our podcast slams with maximum hype. Say hot dog podcast word. Yeah. When you taste that nitrate power, you're in the dog zone for an hour. Come on.

You know the number. One nine hundred. One nine hundred hot dog. One nine zero zero. One nine hundred hot dog. One nine hundred. One nine hundred hot dog. One nine zero zero zero.

Yeah. Nine thousand. Well, well, welcome to the dog zone nine thousand. The official podcast of one nine hundred hot dog. America's last defense against a world without comedy websites. I'm a rubber cricket with luscious thighs. Robert Brockway. And with me is half cyborg.

But not the way you think. Sean baby. I'm a spinning trash can with tummy jabs. And our guest heartbroken lizard balls at Coons. Okay. I mean, there's not really a way to win this. The creature selection. They're all free.

They're all nightmare. They all live lives of constant pain and misery. Every single creature in this movie. It's for death. Before we get to that, let's plug something. Zach. That's the same old shit. Just go to YouTube.

Somebody is listening to this for the very first time. The first time heard your voice and they're like, fuck. This guy. I need to know everything at velvety temp temptress. I need to know more about him. You can find more of this voice over at YouTube slash Arlenauts. A U R A L and a UTS. We just overdub shit.

We take things that already exist and we change everything about the sound and make it other things. Currently we're. What I love about music is you have the same level of self promotion as me and Brock way where it's like, I don't know. I mean, I don't want to do this shit. I mean, I guess I'm an industry leader, but like it's fucking whatever.

It's not that big a deal. I might. It's world class like comedy, but like, you know, if you have the time, you know, it's not for everyone. I find that if you know what is humbling about it when you are fans, try to describe it to non fans. And then you really understand where you are in the world. Yeah.

Like, oh, they think our fans are insane. Okay. Ever since our days back at cracked, this has been a nonstop struggle of just marketing people would come in wave after wave of disposable marketing people before they were all summarily fired and then different ones were hired because nobody could do their job. They would always come in, sit us down and ask the question,

what are you guys about? So we'd have to come up with taglines and things. Oh boy. I don't know. We're fucking funny, I guess. Yeah. If you can't sell it, then why are you here? You tell us what we're all about.

That's. And so I would like to plug us being fucking funny, I guess. There you go. On three cheers for that. One night on this. I don't know, guys. We're on this. This is my plug.

Listen to this episode. Right now. On it. I'll do it in real time. That's how I'll do you a solid. And it shouldn't be a hard one because we are going to discuss 1989's arena. 97 minute runtime from back in the day when movies knew how to

have a runtime just that they knew to end, not to be a TV series. I did not know how to make monsters. Yeah. They didn't know how to make monsters. God bless them. They tried their best. I would argue that with the money they probably had, these are

the best monsters this money could buy. These are the best Halloween costumes I saw at a, I want to say 1996 Comic Con. Yeah. If I saw these at Comic Con today, I'd ask who beat them up. I'd be like, are you okay, sir? Did someone beat you up? Throw a bunch of water on half your costume and tear the other

half off. Is there a reason you need to be wet? Why are you, why are 100% of you wet? Everybody in your party. Wetness is the key to practical effects. We all learned that from the thing. The wetter the better. The wetter the better.

That's arena's tagline. It was directed by Peter Medugian, director of arena and nothing else you've ever heard of. Arena fucking kicks ass if you haven't seen it. It's blood sport, but in space. And worse than every way. And worse than every way. Every way.

But it's blood sport in space. Yeah. So that's still a couple of pretty big pluses. It's just, it's full of practical effects. Okay. This director, I think this is the, this is the filmmaking equivalent. This is a, this is a filmmaking equivalent of a walk away

knockout. Like he, he blasted it with a clean, like right hand and then just, he knew that he didn't have to follow up with anything. That's true. He's fucking call it a career. He just showed up and said blood sport in space and everybody and this is 19, this is one year after blood

sport. Everybody was like, fuck. Yeah. I'm ready for more of this. Like we're, we're, this is your big chance. Dazzle us and he gave us arena. What I, what I love about the name just before we jump into the movie, I had, you know, I had to look, I wanted to

refresh myself again. So I looked it up on a to be there was 20 movies. 20 movies with arena in the title, I would say. Of course there's the one that everyone thinks you're talking about it, which is the Samuel L. Jackson one. Oh, right. That was like a Tekken style.

Maybe it was, it took place entirely in virtual reality. I can't remember. Did Samuel L. Jackson fight giant space crickets? Cause I'll watch that. It didn't. It's, oh, it's, it does not live up to the name arena. It's, you know, it does live up to the name arena though.

Pam greers the arena. She, here's the tagline. Here's the tagline. 10 foot tall space cricket. The tagline black slave, white slave. It's two women from different parts of the world enslaved by Romans to fight in their coliseums. Wait, this sounds fucking awesome.

We should watch this is what I'm saying. Here's the, here's a, here's a poll quote from the, the, the VO from the trailer. Unchained wild women. They're beautiful bodies shaped into superb fighting equipment. Okay. Could you, could you put both hands over your face

and stand three feet away and then yell that to get the full effect of the seventies trailer. Is that the whole thing? Just that these ladies are hot and built for fighting. Yep. I'm sure Pam greers boobs will make an appearance at some point as they always do. There was a point just like, just like Bloodsport in space

where God log lines were so easy. You would just have three words and you'd be like, women fight. Bloodsport in space. Bloodsport is one word. Nobody's done women's fighting yet. Fuck. Black slave, white slave.

I don't know what that means, but it's compelling. They're friends. I think that the friendship is implied. What year was this? Had to be seventies. Like that was Pam Greer's stopping. It sounds like a seventies movie. There was a seventies movie called 1989.

Black Mama. Oh yeah. Very famous. My favorite, my favorite poster for a VO guy to sell would probably be a, can't say it on the show. I'll just, I'll just call it, it's called the boss now. They've rebranded it, but it's a Fred Manson movie. There was another word in there, huh?

There was another word. Yeah. And it was a hard one. It's the hard version of that word. Black, white man's town, black man's law. I think the Pam Greer's arena might be like our arena that we're talking about today because someone saw white mama, black mama and said, what about that in a Roman gladiator?

In ancient Rome. Yeah. You used to be able to just say, what about this movie? Different place. Someone said, what, what if they weren't mamas? And then the guy's like, I got you one better. Swords. I was like, oh shit.

We got ourselves a movie. Can Pam Greer still have bladed weapons in her Afro? Yes. Absolutely. That's coffee, I think. I think she does it this one too. Oh, that's the best. That used to be, that used to be my favorite trope.

Like I, I think there was a period of about 11 when I started getting exposed to this where I genuinely believed that you might be storing things in an Afro. Like that was, that was perhaps what it was intended for. Because it seems a waste of all the volume, right? Like Pam Greer did not waste an inch of that hair. An arsenal. Nothing beats that.

That white girl trying to grab her hair and then just regretting her decision immediately, just full of razor blades. Like, like a 1980s Halloween basket. On the Harlem Globetrotters cartoon, like most of them had superpowers, but one of them just had like a lot of stuff in his hair. That's exactly the superpowers that you have in your hair. Those are exactly the kind of superpowers a white writer would

come up with for a black character. He wrote down the words Afro upholding and nobody fired him for it. Bottomless fro. Yeah. Oh God, how are we ever going to get back on track from that? Back to arena. GM, let's just go right to the opening credits.

We're not going through the whole movie because, no, because the movie is 800 movies in one. And we've, we've tried to do it once before and it broke the computer. You just, you can't, you can't do it. You know, I still, I don't know. I think I love it. I guess I have a complicated relationship because back when

I was a kid before the internet, we did exist. Holy shit. Your friends would just have to trust you on some shit at some point. And this was one of those moments where like, I saw this, I guess in a video store or something, I came to school and told everybody, it's fucking blood sport in space and it's full of cool monsters because again, I'm 11 and if something

cool enough when you're 11, it's just, it doesn't matter if it's any good. It's good in your head. And so I told everybody about it. Nobody believed me forever. It's one of those movies I found like six years later when everybody I told about it was long dead and it was a tough life.

I lived in a bad neighborhood. I lived in a mining town. It was, it was an arena town. It wasn't. And then I, you know, see it six, six years later with it just being this mythical thing in my head and being like, oh, okay. So this is what it is.

But, but the legend lives on. On the lost podcast, how something about it is so loveable. Like it's a bad movie. Almost everything they do is a failure, but like the movie that it's trying to be takes over my whole brain. And so my imagination just builds the right movie. And I can't even tell I'm looking at something shitty because like I'm living in this perfect simulation that I've created

my own mind. I think that's what I've done my whole life. And then just the other night when I watched it again just to prepare myself for this might have been the first time I looked at it critically and I was like, oh, this isn't very good. Is it? This movie is terrible. Like there's no training montage.

Like it doesn't have anything. The fight montage is like 40 seconds long tops. Yeah. The whole, the entire fighting movie is a montage. Yeah. That's it. There's not even a kumite song to go with it. At least kumite, like there was a montage in addition to full

fights with a red song. Like that's, we just got like Harry Carey sports announcer guy walking us through the montage, telling us all the things that we wish we could see. Right. I'm looking back. Describing a better movie. Looking back on Bloodsport, you're like, God, it seems so

obvious, doesn't it? Just make Bloodsport like this, the blueprints for this were right here. Exactly, Bloodsport. Bloodsport actually had the blueprints for Bloodsport in 1989, fresh on their heads. They did. And we're like, we're not going to do that.

Why would you decline to Bloodsport? I think Street Fighter the movie is the best example of how like something about Bloodsport, like people just are afraid to remake it. Cause like when they made Street Fighter the movie, which again, it's just Bloodsport the video game. Bloodsport the video game. Right.

And then they had Jean-Claude Van Damme there almost certainly with hands, hands and everything. Like he was kind of at the peak of his star power by far the biggest star on the set anyway. He, they were going to listen to his influence. So if he's saying, Hey, just fucking make this more like Bloodsport, they'd probably listen to him, but they still didn't.

They're just like fucking. If Bloodsport is a terrible structure for a movie, we'll never. If the reports are correct, he was too busy, uh, spending his petty cash on hand jobs. So. I buy that. That's a lot.

There was a lot of work not getting done on the set of Street Fighter. It was a incredibly tragic disaster. You can do both. I don't think he could. I think that was part of the problem. Yeah, some people can't. I guess.

Yeah. I think he was doing one all the way. It wasn't Street Fighter the movie. I think a cocaine addiction lends itself to like working harder, but a sex addiction that's very distracting with cocaine. Yeah. It becomes a weird bag to fumble.

But what does a Bloodsport addiction run to? To making. I have all three now. And I've been very productive my whole career. Well, this is exactly what we're talking about. Instead of talking about the movie arena, we are talking about the 18 movies that arena tries to be and it's not. So a great fighting movie, like we've said, it's simple.

Really, it's just when you over complicate it that it gets ruined. You just have a format. Just people set them up, some do some character work and then have some fights. Arena does at least. At least three movies and maybe 10 to 15 plot lines. 97 minutes long with a modest budget.

I'm not sure why they thought they could do all of this and more. So what we're going to do instead, each of you are going to pick between elements of arena and you're going to assemble a leaner space fighting movie than arena. Okay. Okay. And we're just talking about talking a lot of shit about

people who can't do this. So we need to do a very good job. We really need to step it up. Yeah. So at the end, we will hopefully wind up with at least two kick ass space fighting movies and a bunch of space Bloodsport remainders to maybe make, I don't know, like a game or something.

You can always find a use. I think, yeah, but it's going to be a dating simulator game. There's going to be one idea that's going to be entirely removed from the fighting. There's enough arena in there to do that. You could cut out an entire like romcom. It's going to be a lot of wet monster parts. So dating simulator is exactly right.

Yes. I know what our pervert fans want. I've seen, I've seen what makes them tick. Just, yeah, just don't search for wet monster parts on Pornhub or anything like that. Wet monster parts. You're right. You're right.

I shouldn't have done that. Arena costume ASMR getting in and out of. I'm so hard. All right. Perfect segue line. So you are going to do first step. Is it, is it? These are both going to be fighting movies.

One is going to focus on the tournament fights themselves. And the other is going to focus more on the culture around it. The effects that one big fight is going to have on the community. So in other words, one's blood sport, one's Rocky. Right. And you're going to, one's going to be, you know, just straight through fighting. One's going to be more character focused big fight at the end.

Arena tries to do both and instead does neither. I want you to do one or the other. Zach, you're our guest. So you get to choose first tournament or big fight blood sport or Rocky. I'm going to go Rocky. No, you know what? Let's swap. Because last time we shoehorned Sean into his typecast.

I'll go blood sport. I'll take the blood sport movie. Oh, to defy, to defy Sean. To defy Sean's typecast. Yeah. I made him be the kick machine Frank Dukes, which was just totally the type, you know, and it was, Yeah, fair enough.

I should branch out. Yeah. Okay. So I have to focus on the community. You are going through, your movie is going to be more about like training for the big fight, the stakes of the big fight, how that big fight is affecting you as a character.

And then there's going to be the big fight with horn at the end. So to sum up your main plot lines really briefly here, you're going to get horn. Who is the main bad guy from arena monster. Looks like a monster from some sort of straight to video. 1993 doom live action adaptation that they never made. Just. Roger Corman's doom.

Yeah, exactly. That's a really good way to describe it. It's like, it's a, it's the kind of monster you would see next to some titties. And the titties would like overshadow it. You'd be like, Oh, okay. titties. I guess I'm not looking too closely.

That's the, that's the trick to bad special effects. It's awesome titties next to it. Well, Roger Corman's a genius. Just put titties next to it. And you're like, I remember the special effects being really big and bouncy. Horn is the champion.

He's half cyborg, half man, a half bowl, a hundred percent Mike Tyson. He's his cyborg. He's half cyborg in the sense that they literally divided him in half vertically. And the left half is cyborg. And the right half is not. Like he'd been in some sort of terrible accident and this is,

this is how they recovered him. He's, he's dumb. He's adorably dumb, but in a very, he's a big happy dog and he's here. He loves himself. Yeah.

Yeah. A lot of his dialogue is I'm horn. I'm horn. I'm horn. I'm horn. I'm horn. You ain't horn. Are you horn?

I'm gonna be really confused if you say, yeah, at this point. But he loves. Not quite. Mike Tyson would have said, I'm not parallel in my industry. He would have, he always was very verbose in a practiced way. Yeah.

But he's supposed to be the Mike Tyson of, I guess in still in 1989 of just peak, peak fighter. Nobody could ever take him down. Right. On the top of his game, why he would even bother fighting you is, it's absurd and insane.

And we're going to never fully explains that, but, he's very childlike and pitiable in a way. Cause he's, I think that he believes that he's the best, but one thing I picked up on was that. Rogor is cheating almost immediately with no cause to horn is, it is introductory fight is absolutely demolishing this other guy. Sure.

And they still juice him up with like the special sauce that, you know, like that, that makes him even stronger at the point where he's like, starts fucking up the crowd. It was completely over, like over the top unnecessary, but it's like, so apparently they cheat every match.

Like he's, his entire career must be built on cheating, but I don't think horn knows that. I think he believes that he's like, it seemed like a different plot point. Yeah. That's a third movie that the tragedy of horn. That's exactly being up these like events,

because I do want that for my movie when he goes into the crowd and like starts like crushing people and killing them. I think that'd be good for my movie to establish that this guy's bad for the community. You guys in Ivan Drago. Yeah. I believe, I don't remember how exactly they're sort of,

I believe that's part of the needless space PCP plotline, which you will be purchasing later in the game. Okay. You will be unlocking this upgrade in the game. You'll have to unlock the path to get there. Anyway, so you've got the big fight against horn, unstoppable champion in both cases. Your main character is still Steve Armstrong,

a human, nobody, even for a human. He's from nowhere. He does nothing. Big block of wood. And a whole thing is building up to championship fight or tournament that will alter everybody's lives forever. So Zach, you get, you get blood sport. I get the tournament arc.

Yes. You get all of the miscellaneous monsters along the way. Yes. All of the one other monsters that we see in detail along the way. So does that mean I also get a, what's his name? Hold on. I wrote it down.

His training partner. Yes. You do. Stitches. I need stitches because he's part of, because there's no training montage. That's the only one I get. And blood sport needs a training montage.

So. Yes. This needs a lot of things that blood sport has. I mean, it does not have. There's a guy I love. Like the fight montage in this movie is so short, but it shows this guy and it's just, he's just in sort of a gray suit.

It's just like a gray skin tight and with like a cod piece on. Yeah. He's like a putty from Power Rangers. Yeah. It's just a sleigh stack. Yeah. You get the weird helmet guy. You get the kind of dog guy.

You get gray thing. Those are all your opponents. You do also get sloth, the sloth area. Hell yeah. Sloth is a good get. That's the best fight in the movie. He's the main character of the movie. He's on the box art more than anybody else.

Yeah. They knew. They knew what they had. Yeah. So I'm happy with that. I don't need horn. Yes. It costs us 800 bucks to make that fucking cricket.

And it hurts. Every dollar they spent. Yeah. Every dollar they spent. We talked about him. I don't know if that episode is aired or if it's going to. But we talked in depth about Steve Wang, the man inside that creature who's, well, I'm a fan of.

He does good work. This was his earlier, this was his internship. Not bad for an internship. But you know the man was not living a good life inside that outfit. I just have remembered this big fucking wet space cricket. His scale was amazing. He was needlessly, he was so big that it was a bad idea and they didn't care. They were just like, no, he has to be big.

They were like, well, we've got, I want to say a 10 by 10 foot arena. Like it's already. He's going to be halfway. He's going to be hanging off the side of it. We don't give a shit. The entire time. And yeah, just a big wet cricket. You know, you constantly have to spray down all the time because otherwise I guess the

rubber will split. Wetness is part of his character. We'll make it work. And yeah, and you're going to, you're going to have this big tournament fight plot. And this is your Chong Li, I guess at the end of your, at the end of your tournament, your scourge is the big wet cricket. Cool. Even though that's literally the first person he fights.

We're going to flip it, right? It's a mistake. Does that make sense? It's a mistake. Yeah. It's a mistake to put your very first fight out there. He's no glass Joe. Blow your entire budget on it and then montage every other fight.

Just montage it and hope nobody looks too close at that. I had a gray thing. I did. Yes. I saw him. Zack is taking blood sport. I just love that. Like they made like three aliens and then that's the extent of their creativity.

You know what I mean? Like you sit down. You're like, oh, fucking arena, space blood sport. Oh, think of all the creatures we could have. Oh, shit. I'm out of ideas. Like just instantly. Well, they did make a bunch of other creatures and then they put them in like bit parts.

They were like, we'll have a weasel guy and we'll have this. We'll have the skull guy and we'll have the fish man and like, okay, they all have fighting styles. Like if you could have like brain or skull, whatever his name is, could like grab you and then sort of like net hack you like in like cyberpunk. You got to stay out of his reach or else he'll pack your brain and make you like do the robot or something. Put yourself in the face. Yeah, exactly.

Yeah, that's exactly. We've been spoiled by like X-Men movies and stuff where we see, you know, telekinetic blasts before before like 1998. If somebody was psychic, you just your opponents just pretended really hard. That was that. That was the best special effect. The best special effect in the entire movie was that guy dying. That was so unfortunate.

A dude just a hack went wrong and his head exploded. That was the coolest moment of the entire film. Skull is my hero. I think he's just he's just yelling his name at like while he's like, Skull, Skull, Skull. Ah, but his head, he blows his top. He is the best. Let's let's hang some some subplots to flesh this thing out. Let's keep him around.

Yeah, let's keep going. He's the OK USA guy of of the blood. Oh, he's no OK USA. Let's not get crazy. That guy lives in our hearts forever. All right. So Zach went first last time, Sean. Do you want the human underdog subplot or the brutal champion subplot?

God, they're both so useful. Um, I feel like the brutal champion will help me. Uh, help me establish how bad this guy is for the community. And I think just make my guy look good by default, which I think is going to be useful because Steve Armstrong is kind of nothing like he's just kind of a like a slab of beef with no personality aggressively. Nothing. Yeah.

So I think if I build the world negatively around him, he'll just sort of seem heroic by default. So that's what I'm going to do. Exactly. And for anybody that hasn't seen the movie, this is set up early where we have this super violent, merciless champ in the very first fight. He goes like we said, he goes rogue and he runs up into the stands and he starts just killing the crowd.

And everybody for some reason hates it even though they're here to watch these brutal fights. Claudia Christian is like, I hate this. I want to bring back the nobility of just wet slapping space crickets just slapping meat against one another. And the announcers are like, Oh, I can't. What a sad day. The documentary of the wet meat.

But then once they start killing the crowd, the crowd's like, oh, alright. Alright, we're into this. Kill us. We hate this. We hate life. a. So that's your brutal sub champion. Now, Zach, that leaves you with the human underdog subplot. It is. I'm sorry to say the inferior plot because it is, but it works better for the tournament. Yeah, you're supposed to root for Steve, who as Sean has already said, is

just it's really hard to do. It's it's the default character creator with no option selected. He's just he's there. And that's enough. That was enough back then. He's he's doesn't have to work hard for anything. He just knows everything that he needs from the beginning of the movie. Everything he comes fully equipped with everything that he brings to the end. He's kind of a dick to everybody he meets. He can't keep his fucking dick in his pants. Gets in his own way. The entire time doesn't learn a thing after because through his actions and and then he wins. And he does this all while wearing rubber bikini overalls and with football shoulder pads on his hands. Half of football. I think it's actually

like a somebody cut a soccer like a 1980s soccer cup and half and put them on his shoulders. And on his hands. I love that. I love that they give me a little adorable the karate sparring gear when like there's already so many systems in place to not make these necessary I guess it's just to protect his hands from the jagged wet parts of all of his opponents. Right. Like see that's what's so crazy about this. It makes it makes total sense to have like if we're doing a space fighting movie we have humanity as the underdog right because they're all these crazy fucking creatures out there with these big claws and cybernetic parts and just they're just crazy aliens like of course you might have been our big pink trash bag

bodies are just nothing. But then Arena takes another step and has a handicap array and says like OK but now we're all on equal strength and we can handicap everybody so every fight is even and humanity is still the underdog which implies humans just can't fucking fight for shit. Yeah like we just don't terrible everything. It's like it's like kung fu or something like it will never work unless it's just two kung fu people kung fuing each other. You know humanity as long as they just fight each other look real bad ass. But the second you put like a wolf man or a bug creature in front of them they're just. Every other race has mastered the perfect fighting technique like bruise like Brazilian jujitsu only its big open hand slap. That's what every

other turns out that's the best fighting technique with with two thousand pounds of force behind strength is not an issue. This is pure technique open hand slailing. I don't I guess I just don't understand like the the reality of the of the handicap because sloth still weighs several tons like. Yeah you think he would collapse in on himself if he took away too much of his brain. Not like this arena arena overthink some things and under thinks the others. They overthought these the space jazz at every single bar. Anyway Steve also does not know how to fight like in these in these in the choreographed matches it's a lot of hammer like Captain Kirk style hammer punching needless somersaulting it's he didn't bring the skills so it's unclear

why he can suddenly win but that's you you're the human underdog. I do love that they they have him in the men's lingerie league football uniform but he also has to wear his like Chuck Norris point karate mitts. Whereas where his fucking sloth just gets lobster claws and like wet rubber hands like like let this guy be fully naked but like we got to fucking make sure this human can't like do karate chops or eye gouge or whatever whatever he was going to use his fingers for it's like take those away. Well I was I was about to go down that road but then I just suddenly realized it's for it's probably just for Steve's protection just to for his precious hands because yeah what he's hitting are like I mean look at half of horn's face. Yeah forget that forget the cyborg

half if you punch any part of all if you catch a horn like that yeah oh shit that makes sense it's covered in them there's then the very they should be horns the very first fight where a horn is fighting spinner which is my favorite which is my favorite character which is the lizard ball with with a lot of heart and he's trapped in a metal girdle and he's he's also cyborg and an iron lung at one point yeah he's not a good cyborg he's barely existing but at one point he pops out these little like tiny pistons out of his body that like gently knead horns abdomen and like it's cute and it does nothing but that shows that you can use like cybernetic enhancements like that's right and no point is that part of his body so nothing's fucking off limits

here like could you just shoot a net on the guy could you squirt him with acid you're like that's part of my body I don't I can't help it I can't help who I am I squirt nets okay two spinners is a spinners thing I come from a cyborg people who squirt nets that's how we say hello that's how we say hello it's it's how spinner says please kill me that's the only reason he's there he's just thought he has a death wish you're trying to die stop keeping me alive with this he's like and a horn is just dragging it out he's smashing his like eye the glass protecting his face he's just no no just kill you're hurting me okay my perfect spinner impression it really is good the sadness is authentic I like that spinner was our so if you're going with the blood sport you

know chong li is a big bad guy chong li like he's he's antagonist he's harassing van dam the whole movie he's making threats he's criticizing him and then eventually he like kills a man and then like gravely injures his friend like horn doesn't have any of these moments like there's no thing that makes horn like makes us want to root against him except he just mutilates spinner it's so bad and he just hates spinners so much that he just continues the rampage right outside of the into the stands that's going to come in handy later because spinner is our ray jackson is what i'm trying to say yeah right as you're watching it you were you were sort of led to believe that with the viciousness of this fight like oh okay he's gonna like come back but no like much like

every other plot line they introduce it are not sure where it goes and drop it they do that instead of making a movie so we do that 15 times instead of making any one movie so what that's what we're fixing ray jackson doesn't come back in blood sport but they have that beautiful moment at the end right where he's like anytime any place you need me in my version i want to have him back as my ray jackson i want so we could write new scenes right to sort of flesh out our versions you'll have to choose it when we get there okay all right so next round i've already got my ending planned i think i think it's back to shawn to choose do you want to be the savior of humanity or to defeat a capitalist dystopia i feel like the capitalist dystopia fits my theme because i'm

trying to establish them as super bad guys so the community benefits from my guy's victory i gotta say your movie kind of kicks ass so far yeah i would watch coming together i'd watch space rocky it's got big rocky four energy to it you know you're taking down communism capitalism you're making a patriotic stance and it's 70 montage that's that's already there it's in the movie arena we start off with this subplot and you think it's gonna be a big deal because the whole thing is initiated when steve loses his job as a terrible cook and instantly the robot deservedly yeah he was justified fire just totally justified but he did a bad job and then he got to fight and beat the shit out of a customer and he got gently fired by pa announcement and had no just didn't

even go oh man he was just like yeah all right but but everything is tied to your job so he's already out of his apartment in the space slums but it's also a space station so there's nowhere to go i guess you're supposed to just die and then we do my favorite thing which is every movie in the 90s uh thought a hobo underbelly was the best from like demolition man to ninja turtles if you want to know where the coolest place in town is go underground baby the hobos hobos have an underground town i believe that i want to say until right now i still believe it they live the real good life that we all think we want but we think we're in pursuit of but it's not what we're really getting yeah down there their truth where life is better yeah under the streets rat burgers

the rats carney j raton making rats singing about the joys of the sewer it's it's wonderful uh yeah so life's good down there simple not hope and you're gonna have to smash some sort of great system of oppression good choice and uh zack that leaves you with savior of humanity so i'm sorry savior of humanity hey i'm gonna i could make it work all right no apology i'm strong savior of humanity yeah he's of course i mean if you if if we had to pick a savior of humanity you could you could do a lot worse than you know uh tom brady looking ass you know i think they were going to flash gordon i think there was totally a flash gordon like the guy that's not really good in it he's good at one thing which is just kind of being a dick and it just works out for him all

the way through to the end so in this in this world classic tale of a white man yeah as a default white man i really relate to this yeah he gets what he needs he bubbles through it like he fails upwards it all it all happens for him i believe i think that was what that one guy was yelling at us for was when i said flash gordon had the superpower the only superpower you need in the 1980s which was being white and present and i was just i was enough and that's exactly we got this hate mail that like brockway jason and i are all like what the fuck do you think this guy is talking about he's like oh yeah great job fucking talking shit about white people or something we had we don't know if he's talking about an article or a podcast uh we thought it might have been mountain monsters

that he might have like taken offense at us making but but again that didn't ring true for me you're like there's so much this could be about i don't you need to narrow it down we tried we tried getting him he has said mean things about white people and again i'm going down on it but for that to be your line and for it to be your line i think he said he supported us from the start so like something we did not just i don't yeah it was insulting was it implying that flash gordon wasn't qualified because he fucking wasn't yeah that was the point of the move empirically that he wasn't he did he did football and not well he took a flying less he took some flying lessons right he didn't need any fucking lessons i'll give him that hell yeah all right so you're gonna be

savior of humanity humanity is the ultimate underdog here for reasons that are never explained and you're going to inspire them with your successes and i guess that's gonna get them to rise out of the slums i don't know classic hero shit i'm gonna get a medal for it it's gonna be great oh now we get now we get into the hard choices and zack you get to go first on these so do you want the love triangle subplot or the restaurant subplot i think there was more chemistry in the restaurant subplot in the film is there a love triangle though i don't i don't really think that he and claudia really it never he did sexually harass her at one point but i don't think it really evolved much past that she was so jealous of jade that's what i i as i was watching it again

i i genuinely think it was as a coach like this bitch just fucking poisoned my fighter this is my meal ticket and you're but trying to ruin this for me lady i don't think she had any designs on steve there is a line later where he asked like i was doing this as a fighter he's getting too over eager and she's at the restaurant right yeah very sultrally says you're gonna get your shot but you're gonna do it my way slowly you know what i mean and love triangle this is a love triangle well he also says like how do you how did you get become a coach yeah he did that yeah he did that old thing what it's yeah it's it's a weird don't have abilities yeah with someone looking as good as you doing it in a job like this i don't know about the i don't know enough about fighting to

know about the ethics to know if it's inappropriate when like your coach and corner man also is your lover but it weirds me out i don't like it so that's and i don't think so that's why i don't think it happened so i do i i have to take the love triangle but i i'm gonna shift it between me jade and rogore between you yes rogore is just leering and fucking she's just so angrily that he's so mad that he's so turned on every time steve walks in the room i'm making a note is he like he asks her to cook her to cook him he's he's involved sexually whether it's physical or not now hold on you did not purchase you did not purchase the cuckolded mafia boss subplot but it's coming up it's okay but i am at this point of the love triangle i will i'll die on this hill

i am i'm making a note that from now on it's not steve it's zack armstrong zack armstrong movie i like that better anyway yes i would like anybody anybody will do a better job i will and as zack armstrong i fuck the wives of high-powered men while they watch from a closet yeah that's like real life that again that's kind that's at least it heavily a true story by the movie it's maybe not shown but heavily implied he didn't even like he does the great thing where he most this happens a lot in movies right and then the boss is like you liked it did you or you fucked him i didn't tell you to fuck him rogore doesn't waste any time with that shit he's just like did you you poisoned him right like he knows everything else that went down and he's cool with it that was all

part of the plan so very secure in their relationship yeah but yeah yeah we'll get to the interstellar mafia cuckolding and and also the uh the sexual poisoning will come up too for right now i'll take the triangle you have the yeah you have the core love triangle which is between your coach Claudia christian so weird dynamic there and jade a utterly personality list singer you meet in a casino and a fantastic lyricist yes but it's hot as shit it's hot as shit and that's again she's a blonde white woman it's one of the most high-value human beings in existence she can say whatever she wants and these people eat it up exactly and uh this plays out like the standard one the the more conventionally attractive slutty woman abandons you in your time of need and then

uh tries to come back when it seems like you're winning and the scrappy underdog woman knocks her the fuck out which uh is how you know a woman's a keeper all right so now we get to a restaurant you get the restaurant subplot but first zack has unlocked bonus subplots we've touched on one of them do you want this is a this is a subplot modifier do you want the crappy singer subplot do you want to talk about that or do you want to talk about every single outfit claudia christian wears which is the all sequin everything subplot including her uh when she was asleep again you must choose okay i'll choose i'll choose that i don't want this oh damn it do i want the singing though shit you were already singing it you'd love that i was i do

damn i i feel like shan could probably do more with the outfits i'll go with the songs i'll do the outfit i'll take the the the our own that's guy choice shan does not get them he has chosen the restaurant oh okay okay it's fully nude very dramatic all time no outfits all right all right i'm gonna switch i'll go outfits right right outfits down then i'm gonna take that all right claudia christian in her slinky all sequin everything he walks in on his coach in the middle of the night and she is wearing a rhinestone nighty off the shoulder too right yeah yeah beautiful like evening gown yeah night shimmering sling she was waiting for someone to knock on that door yeah it looks like that unless you're expecting company and then you put on your equally slinky

robe but with huge shoulder pads three feet out to either side which is just even pointing those out at this point is redundant because that's just a staple of the of the space station fashion world that's my coach that's the ideal coach i want it's just always in a shiny negligee and waiting to teach me fighting like i guess that's why you're here for karate with that that means oh that means we can't talk about what a weirdly crappy singer jade is and how how do you no one will mention it no one will mention it you can't mention any of the lyrics which are i i wrote all down i like actually transcribe these lyrics well let's hear let's hear what we can't talk about okay because the song about it it makes a lot of sense i'm just gonna say the

lyrics because i can't the song has no rhythm or form or anything melody yeah i love the barbarian stars light briefly glow a man that she knew can't forget you she felt he must go many times nights of love make forces to rise mistaking the disguise she slipped a rhyme in there the first time ever she was cute he had eyes but you'll find and then they just start talking over each other it's claudia's like all right enough of this shit available 2003 from korea mobile games and fucking everybody is so captivated like the movie's like this is what's beautiful there is like coming in their pants while this song is such an insane decision i mentioned this on the forbidden podcast but uh it has to be a bary gordy's last dragon thing where

there was like a corrupt promoter shoe horning her into the movie and was like this is it baby this is how we'll make you a star just just watching me give up on sentences and a fight to the death against melody just can't even talk about it can't even mention so maybe we get this since this is like cut content time is the does the stand-up comedian show up at all in any of your choices you will have to purchase that oh shit okay okay i'm gonna hold on to it i'm making fucking fortune from you guys holy shit all right that means shon gets the restaurant subplot oh hooray i got a restaurant it fits it it'll help identify my guy as like a man of the people because he's just a short order cook and and then the capitalists can come in and shut down the

restaurants and it's easy it fits it fits it's actually yes perfect you are pretending incredibly poorly to be a short order cook with the with the worst improvised mime i've ever seen of him just like daintily jumping when he touches bread i guess that's how he conveys i'm a bad cook i'm frightened of bread and just if you watch if you pay attention to that scene it's insane what he's doing with his body and that entire thing my favorite movie he's like he's failing like over and over again but then he's like getting mad at uh shorty for like daring to make him do his job and he points at him aggressively when he asks for like a couple of value meals he just goes no problem but it's like what is that dude that sounds i had a friend that acted like that i'd be

like dude is everything okay like are you you're in a bad place right now i think the people around steve armstrong are not safe no no he's he's got all the entitlement of a beautiful white man uh who is fully appreciated by his society and friends that's a dangerous anchor all right the restaurant subplot is you're a terrible short order cook with your friend shorty uh who is a terrible server however what's this he's shown later being a really good cook and you're again a white man who is present you'd be a great waiter uh search switch roles and then uh some customers get super mad at uh at shorty for this admittedly terrible service and bad food and so shorty directly assaults some space queens directly assaults them which we've all

wanted to do but we can't for some reason that society says is important shorty's all about that yolo life and then a fish guy comes in and it turns out he's the kid's father and of course he's mad that you're beating up his children because they're they didn't like their order of garbage food and steve runs over the counter and just whips the holy he fucking drop kicks the fish man this shit out of him this single father everything in that restaurant yeah that man has shown several times interaction like he is not a good place jump kicks him through a plate glass window imagine that at a fucking sparrows or something the chef just comes over the counter you didn't like your goddamn crappy pizza and jump kicks you through the fucking glass door

it's the wildest overreaction and uh then you lose your whole life and livelihood because of that and i guess this year is supposed to be in the right but it's never really clear so that's your restaurant well uh i'm gonna put a sign up in my restaurant where it we reserve the right to drop kick you through the fucking window legally i'm in the clear you're gonna want to be at one of those restaurants the the pay to get abused yes roll yourself up in a carpet and we'll stand on you it's a good bonus episode callback call for letter the rug or mat the rug i can't remember his fucking name is that's going to be let me see let me see how i can track this that's going to be a call forward to the behind the scenes from an episode that hasn't run yet that's that's an incredible

call forward this is uh you're like the kevin feige of of this bullshit or whatever every say his name the foreshadowing it took to make a real pervert universe here so anyway uh subscribe to the guy who rolls himself up in a carpet their best friends he goes to bars people stand on him and that's how he gets sexual pleasure again sex best friends to hear us talk about that for 20 minutes my whole my whole b-plot is just how am i going to get him into the club this time i've just delivered some carpets here you have to be built into the club i'm a contractor that does only does carpet i sneak my friend you're the house rug pervert so he's there on opening day we're gonna talk for 20 minutes again no no it's just so compelling

no you're going to choose now uh who chose last was that uh i was exactly all right shon you're picking next okay do you want the forgotten former champion subplot or the scrappy indy coach versus the slick rich corporate team subplot i mean the second one goes with my uh anti capitalist theme scrappy indy coach so yeah the rest of these these subplots are in arena and this one claudia christian is the coach scrappy indy coach who has seen steve fight not well uh she's seen him just sucker punch the holy shit out of a single father and for not very she heard that all second hand because one of her guys came in he's like that some guy beat the shit out of me she's like oh yeah tell me more about

that well they didn't even they didn't even have that reaction then she just sent her goons to just revenge beat his ass right and then they were like hey this kid's got the stuff so she is small time scrappy indy coach with her roster full of broken aging fighters and as we have established hired criminals who just attack attack people wrong them and uh just a lot of puppets a lot of puppets they find the dumpster behind a dr who studio just like a armadillo they got the they got spinner the broken lizard man who just wants to live and uh the slick rich team keeping me alive yeah then they got stitches the the train the walking punching bag you know what i've just realized all of the scrappy indy teams puppets are depressed they really are sad they aren't

they're all just wants to eat he's there like he's clearly like they established that he's fighting he's letting steve beat the shit out of an exchange for a meal he's like oh yeah baby i'm hungry now the kid's pretty good it's not good nothing i would know i just i i'm just some guy who could take a punch okay i'll take my space out real now no systems in place to church that kind of thing and there's no systems in place to see if like he's invincible to punches or if he just doesn't die from them because he sure doesn't seem to like him yes he could be exploding every one of his organs with each with each blow he just regenerate he hates it so much it's definitely a crime that they're doing this at all anyway he's there gets as well i don't process pain like you

but i promise i'm in what your people would call pain i've experienced what you people call many deaths and he does it for a hamburger he does have that weird like ghost the real ghostbusters era of like smooth jazz guy voice yeah they think the weird decision to have these guys talk a lot they're like stitches spinner talks stitches talks and it's always never the right decision it's like there's no no no it's none of these guys should ever say anything yeah they're like it just adds to the horror do kind of a scatman crothers thing like all right shouldn't it just be like bleep blurping though like wouldn't it be cooler if i was just like you call top a chute and you're like you know

put some subtitles like dude we cannot afford subtitles but it's scatman crothers this shit we would have to sculpt each and every one out of cardboard and then hold them up how do you even do that it's impossible all right and they well they both want steve because he beat up a single father just trying his best uh so that's your your subplot so what does that leave me that leaves you with the forgotten former champion subplot now down here in the slums former disgrace champion of the people lives because humanity once ruled these fights and he was the last one to do it won a crazy amount of fights and it's not clear how he lost it now he's skeptical at first but zack armstrong slowly earns his respect until finally he hands his

medal over to the new the new champion now in your movie in a normal movie this would be like a central plot of the movie that would unfold develop over several acts yes that's not how it happens in arena uh he just walks out of the shadows one day and it's like i'm a former champion i have this medal i think you get it now and steve to its credit arena knows that they didn't earn this because steve goes one but it's just one fight yeah insane yeah he literally says the words i have done nothing to deserve this yeah it was one sobering moment he speaks the truth but and then the former champion is like hey buddy just take the fucking medal you just i had this whole thing i was picturing my head armstrong he was like nino browning the people

right he was showing up on the streets and giving out thanksgiving turkeys yeah this was just i guess a producer had a note somewhere that he really wanted to see this this plot line they were like yeah sure we can do that uh i'm just gonna put what two lines two lines should be enough to yeah i guess that whole thing was set up so that he could run into this former champion because they shorty is like hey come on we got to leave this awesome like jazz club where you're definitely gonna get laid and go hand out toys or whatever on the streets out of your pocket and that's it we never see that again he has this charitable moment and nothing comes from it where does that go it goes that part of my movie that's my that's part of my movie right it's part

of your movie uh you can make better use of it i'm handed out toys yeah i i guess well we'll get there now hold on yeah okay there's there is somehow more and i'm sorry about it there's somehow more plots to the movie arena that you have to choose from okay now we have the ticket home subplot or the destroyed former fighter subplot and that's to that's my turn right right i think uh ooh again both were in the movie arena both completely forgotten almost immediately so i've already got the destroyed former fighter i can't uh that's the you have a disgraced former champion right you apparently the movie arena needs both do you need both

i think i'm gonna i don't need both i think i'm gonna go with the ticket home i'll give Sean a one of a former former fighter this is one of our eight motivations uh that Steve has and are quickly forgotten and has never resolved he originally just wants a ticket home but he can't he tries to pawn that later in the movie like oh my friend knows your money here's a one-way ticket in my name to earth no that's not money that's the opposite of money yeah and and of course that's that's the incident it's forgotten he hands it to rogore when this was the entire driving force of the movie was i need to get a ticket home for the first i don't know 15 minutes or so and then he hands it to rogore and says here i'll pawn that for my friend

and the rogore is like this is fucking worthless to me i don't want this but he keeps it and everybody else forgets about it and it's never mentioned again yeah he still brings him all of his money back just minus the ticket but he never gets the ticket back he's just like a fighter now rogore i have an idea let my friend go and here's seven drink tickets to rogore's nightclub these are really hard to get i have rigged those ski ball machines that's a fuck that's a fucking deal how did you get these all right that that's the entire we have already covered the ticket home subplot that's all of it and then it's forgotten forever so all right that makes my job easier yeah so that leaves shone with the destroyed former fighter subplot that's spinner the scrappy

lizard ball uh who was oh wait that was my ray jackson all right i lost my ray jackson with all of his charm and his tiny little pistons that come out and boop the doom monster in the tummy he's he's my favorite i'm so glad to get him they do a weird thing well he's brutally destroyed by horn in the first fight and this should be like it's kind of painted like it might be somebody's motivation this is before you meet your main character and you're like oh no i know this movie we're seeing this guy get fucking destroyed so that it can be motivation for another fighter to like strike back or to prove that you know dirty tactics won't cut it whatever no uh he's destroyed for literally no reason we spent a long time watching it we even go back uh back into the medics area

where he he begs them to fix him and he's he goes don't read it i don't want to apologize for arena but i think he was there just to establish that these guys don't have a fighter anymore that they needed that was yeah don't try to get too emotionally attached to any of this it's just they they spent 10 minutes of this movie just to give the secondary character's motivation to have a fighter on their team and then they forgot about that and did it again by giving by making the fish guy that gets this shit kicked out of him for defending his kids he turned out to be their central fighter they were banking everything on so they did it twice yeah and then forgot about both anyway in your movie this could be your rage accent this can be your avenge your champion

and it will it will hopefully make a little bit more sense uh-huh well since he's no longer my rage accent i was gonna have him you know tearfully reunite with him in the hospital and then instead of saying anytime any place i'll be there he was goes fucking kill me tearfully begs for him to end his life i long ago i should like an idiot i breathe from my trash can they never fixed me i don't know how to kill you spinner sorry my brother can't die i've been trying for a long time that's my curse you just pour drinks on him hitting him with hammers i don't know how to kill you some of it you seem to like what are these things that come out of your belly is that like a genital thing i don't i can't i don't know i can't help it i don't know what they do

either all right now do you want your choice now is between the space pcp subplot or the poisoning subplot that's back to shan's got this i think i'm gonna do the space pcp because that seems like something that the evil capitalists would like introduce to the community to like that's a turn suffering into profit yeah exactly perfect now in arena uh this is introduced right off the bat and you're led to think this is very important in that he's already just beating the shit horn is beating the shit out of spinner in the very first fight and they still inject him with space pcp in like the second round so that he really beats the shit out of him they're like fucking end this man's career it's very it's carefully not steroids like this is not how steroids work and

that is not the implication they're going for he gets furious and superpowered it's it's angel dust it's just your space pcp now that leaves you sack with the poisoning subplot now that's great because you also i'm already yeah i'm already a cookin so might as well be fighting off the poison i see which dlc you're going for yeah you're building out you're building out the romance after dark yeah dating seems into this so the poisoning subplot a beautiful woman comes on to see even poisons him before the big fight and it just kind of deserves it uh i'm sorry i'm sorry you kind of deserve it absolutely because everything i've done up to this point has has earned me this fate now did you write down the line that you use to try to get her into bed

oh he's like i don't know maybe you could like jerk me off not as direct as about as subtle as that oh yeah he says uh maybe we can go back to your quarters and we can relax you know if i'm not relaxed i can't throw my best punches that's like i'm supposed to help you relax and he's like yeah you're gonna get my crank right that's what we're talking about the same thing again almost exact quotes she she skeptically asks him and i'm supposed to help you relax and you can tell like she was having a moral like debate here am i gonna poison this guy and then she's like i'm gonna poison this guy i can't wait to poison this guy and she poisons the shit the shit out of him it's like they're struggling with like kind of being told no for

the first time ever and he doesn't understand it and the confusion is clearly starting to make him angry so she's just like sure come over let's do this yeah it's a good lesson for the listeners if your game is that bad and a woman agrees to come home with you she's gonna kill you you're dead and in in any other movie part of her plan auditioned this would be like performance affecting like oh i can't fight no he's gonna die like she poisoned him to death the expectation is death yeah they're like amazed they bring him to the fight doctor and the doctor's like he would have died in a couple more hours but hell yeah put him out there in the fight he's like yeah he's like put him put some inject some of this crystal space dance axon in him and uh

well the doctor does like resist a little bit he's like but he's okay to fight damn it he's like well yeah i'm not gonna sign off on it but yeah put him out there basically says well he's not gonna do it well but hell yeah let's see i don't know this could be really funny this is curious as you are let's do it he represents the last of a dying race should we throw him in a ring filled with poison like i don't care human life is worth nothing i'm even here where it should be my favorite is how she poisons him she's she does she knows at this point that steve is such a self-centered dipshit that she doesn't even have to fake like there's something wrong with the glasses she goes to toast he goes i don't drink and she's like

you will today and he's like all right and then she just looks into her glass stirs it sniffs it and then just sets it down while he just drains his she had to do nothing to trick him just turns to him and says you just got poisoned i just poisoned you yeah i don't get it love it's like a poison i understand sure yeah it's like a space sex thing sure let's poison to you because you can't you're powerless against it is that what you're trying to say i understand all of this and more many more things i'm i'm zack i'm zack armstrong zack armstrong never shows the big button a smile i love that song i believe it comes out in two years it's gonna be my favorite 89 right i don't remember when that shit hit i can't believe we're still picking through plots

all of these we're in the movie arena every single one uh it's just every story element that's ever been told at this point but do you want the mafia cuckold subplot or it's my turn right yeah lucky it's your turn because i know you want that one yeah or the robbing the space mafia's casino subplot oh space cuck all day space cuck all day i've already i've already backed up to this yeah this zack armstrong was already established it was leading up to everything was leading up to space cuck so in the movie arena uh rogore the big bad mafia don and steve's worst enemy sends his girlfriend jade the singer to fuck with steve in every sense of the word and she comes back after seducing him and poisoning him in her mind to death like you cannot win cuckoldry any harder than that like

you made him he made you kill that guy like that's the ultimate that's gotta be the ultimate turn on i'm kind of coming around to cuckoldry after that like if it's if it's prove your love by poisoning like yeah yeah that's the ultimate defeat but then she falls back in love with him when she realizes he's going to die just getting fucking beaten to death instead like i guess poisoning was fine i do love there's a moment after she straight up tries to murder him where she finds out that they're messing with the handicapper and she's like wait what the fuck you're like trying to fix fights uh truly they deserve each other neither one of them understands anything until it's far too late well what's great about that part is that brain and weasel come into the room

and he goes now's the time go fuck with the handicap we need you to turn to manipulate the handicap in a way that is in my favor and then they leave and she goes wait a minute are you gonna do something with the handicap he goes never mind that mind your own business like if she thinks about that for two more hours she's gonna get it trust her with murder but he's not gonna let her in on the handicap plan oh come on that's top secret and she's already knows that she's been fully turd by the power of steve yeah that's true he realizes it he's into it until he's like wait now that he's not gonna die from poisoning you're like that's the virility i look for in a man just he realizes at that point like every if you have a cuckoldry

fetish you challenge every other dick to like a fight to dick kumite and he's losing it he's confused by how hard he's getting at this moment now that leaves shan with the robbing the space mafia casino subplot all right well uh i guess it does make sense that uh i've established this is a terrible capitalist like conglomerate and so the audience will want to see them lose money because that's the only way they know loss yeah you can you can see it's even your movie made up of slightly less than half of arena is still spiraling out of control with yeah yeah it's i'm holding on you're trying you're doing some spin i mean that's skilled screen right i could incorporate so like the fight will be the distraction and then during the fight i have a like a group of

red tank heisters that are gonna steal uh oh it's all it's all a distraction i see so you've got a fake it takes away from the glory of it god damn it that makes a mess out of my movie if i'm being honest yes uh you thought you had it in the bag then you then you had to go get oceans 11 on us if if my guy had like a twin brother that that was a heister and i'm like who steves who steves outrageous he's star strong maybe uh i'll think about it i think this is just a bad part of my otherwise perfect movie yeah so in the movie arena uh it's the shorty takes steve to an alien casino and instantly loses all of their money to space poker but just like a total asshole instantly i mean instantly he puts it all in one hand it's like oh no geez who could

have foreseen they get raided by the space cops which i just this serves no purpose but i want to point out that they the leader of the space cops the skull faced robot space cops these are fucking awesome they rule they're like something out of a conan movie and the leader of them is a wizard it's just like a space cop wizard yeah the amulet and everything he's got a he's got a robe yeah he's and he is also later the championship match commissioner he's the one that comes out and it's like sorry the fight's been delayed i've got a rule on this like i don't know if they just didn't have two outfits or if this is part of their intricate world building that that the narc space wizard is also the fight commissioner it's confusing it's overthought and underthought

at the same time it's it's arena it's perfect uh but yeah you robbed the casino on the way out trying to flee this raid by the space cops and their narc wizard and uh and yeah that's that's your 100 forgot that actually happened in arena that's how they got in trouble with rogore they took his money that was his casino yeah which is weird too because he and the commissioner seemed to have a pretty close relationship they're talking to each other on the phone all the time but are they adversarial are they not does it matter oh yep it turns out it doesn't matter it's always the right answer for arena weird that weird phone call when the commissioner's like you have to set this fight up between steve and horn right and rogore is like

forced happy about it but he's like too forced about it he's like laughing like uproariously he's like yes of course like this is the move now i don't know since you have chosen to rob the space mafia casino would you like to purchase a subplot modifier of a racist alien stand-up comic oh shit i i truth i mean i don't have the budget for it but i cannot say no to that oh Jesus that is like a hard r n word in space yeah that was oh my god you cannot say that god damn oh what a perfect catchphrase inspired i hate your guts i love that they put that in there it was

just added so much to the world building why like for like nonsense punchlines like put in maybe one just to let us know like your audience you're not going to get this this these are space jokes space racist jokes but they're like no what what if we did four space racist jokes my mom's like uh yeah they just they just do standard uh zingers with yeah that's words a crumb opulent cramulator hey my best friend's a thracian i can say that i got a t-word pass i think the uh the writers were like they'll they'll get it they're gonna get it they know what we're talking about choose oh fucking thracian conspiracies and this is it yeah this is a wise choice a wise choice to purchase that and now

for your final choice do you want to go with the movies you have assembled or throw the entire thing out and do skulls psychosexual machine hacking alternate plot line i think it's i think it's yours shan oh okay absolutely skull i want to do the the netrunner erotic skull story because skull has his own movie skull is just a bit character in arena but like we find him at rock bottom robbing shorty's place just a just a scrape by and he has a crazy plan that only he believes in to hack the handicap raid that manages the big fights and they're like i get the fuck out of here nobody believes it to him yeah roguer was like what the you can't have the handicapper you know nobody ever hacked the handicap only weasel the other

just dirt bag who i guess species their whole species is weasels so they're all their bags his name's weasel his species is weasel his space is weasel it's the best short hand for his job is weasel this personality is weasel the only one that believes in skull and together the two of them pitch it to roguer and roguer goes nobody can hack the infernal machine get out and now they they've got it's their own movie that like if they were british instead of from space this is a guy richie movie this is just yeah we have to pull off this con and as a complication skull finds out he kind of comes from these machines so he kind of loves them in like a physical way i mean he wires his brain a way that makes hacking very sexual they

say you never work a day if you if you love your job and he loves his job he'll never work a day if you come in your job that's what they say in space so it's kind of like crone and burgey and you know special fetish job that's why i love to make pumpkin pies he is a very crone and burgey and he is presentation like everything about him just reeks of the of the of the bird big like throbbing head it's very yeah sexual but also body horror stuff he's kind of out of a like i think he was supposed to have somebody's fetish yeah he's peter mnuchin's fetish so the chips are down and the crime boss finally okay is the plan and he does it like this he says weasel do it and do it all the way all the skulls like that's all you had to say hell yeah it is more chemistry

i'm gonna front that machine to completion between him and weasel then jade and anybody in this movie it's great i don't even more than all the way put your thumb in my butt of the machine the machine's butt wait in the machine of course of course yeah what are we talking about here boss i'm completely lost in this metaphor it's tough but with weasels help they do the impossible nobody believed in him skull hacks the machine and turns the whole fight around and then one of the fight managers shorty finds out during the hack kicks weasels ass blows up the machine but skull did it he fucking did it nobody believed in him he did the impossible he overcame all the odds he dies with his head exploding coming as hard as anybody ever has it's a perfect

sci-fi tragedy as people come they're just their heads explode yeah that's so they're they edge their whole lives for the perfect hack and uh this is yeah this is the sequel to cyberpunk edge runners this is what that was about that's what that's what yeah that's the edge they're running that's the edge they're running that's what that's what i'm really glad we did that movie instead yeah now it's a superior product all the way from bottom to top to recap uh zack has chosen zack armstrong is the main character of this movie he's chosen work a blood sport framework so just lots focus space space sport go on what's the first one was closer what's that blood space uh in space no one can hear you cream i don't know what's uh that's a good one for mine

that's a good one for my skull it's true you're you're i was thinking of yours i gave up on my movie so blood sport framework you've chosen to be the human underdog so you're the only human against all these monstrous aliens and that's all you need you're going to be the savior of humanity that makes a lot of sense to me yep there's going to be a love triangle beyond the atmosphere beyond the limits uh what are your other subplots uh we need like a we got the love cooking space cooking yeah the love triangle with they all sequin everything and claudia christian you got a former disgrace champion that comes to believe in you and hands over his precious metal that you earn you definitely earn on like in the movie arena uh you started it to get a ticket home

but you come around to believing like maybe this is where i belong uh you do get poisoned by somebody in the love triangle and uh as zack put it space kuk all day all day hot and that's so i i just look up the poster to find out the actual log line for the film it is not a very good one no uh it contradicts itself for a thousand years no human has been the champion he wants to be the first wait that's not true so the guy in the fucking basement was not a thousand and 21 years old he was like 30 years ago i was the last human champion like yeah it's that's a fucking stupid design this poster did not listen did not give a shit they're like i forgot his first part of the sentence i'm going to put four people on this poster two of them are not going to be fighters

and the other two are going to be the same character can you really blame them for forgetting one of the 20 plot lines from arena fair enough i think they did the best they could with what they had seriously like the poster artist it's the poster artist put skull weasel sloth horn and sloth and steve taken a shit like that's his that's the whole poster that that's what's that's enough to sell me i would watch it if it was just skull weasel and two sloths yeah and steve passing a kidney stone an unnecessary something holding his head that's what it is that's i was like what is on steve's head is this some geiger shit it's not sloth just crushing it in that scene when sloth grabs his head and starts beating it you know it's my favorite line in the movie because

sloth just yells i'm beating your head all right sean's choices he's doing a rocky framework against a brutal champion and along the way is going to defeat a capitalist dystopia he's got a fun little restaurant subplot that ties in there a scrappy indie coach against the corporate super teams and a destroyed former fighter ray jackson style to avenge only the brutal champion is so brutal because he's on space pcp which is just like normal pcp but time space and they also rob a mafia casino and there's a racist stand-up comic that's just on a tv in the real movie that's just in the background because the real movie is skull and his erotic netrunner yeah and so we've abandoned that entire movie to do cyberpunk edge runners which is edge runners yeah which again if

you haven't seen it is exactly what that show is about and it's great so i it turns out there's a movie poster for every one of these versions of the film we came up with because i found another poster and the tagline is on the edge of our galaxy there is a battleground where no human has won in 50 years the arena the challenge is on so one poster directly contradicts the other poster one poster was paying attention it's like fuck come on i love how it was wrong twice like no one for a thousand years here's the first he's the first yeah wait that's too yeah that's two different so that poster had two different stories on it there's a third poster with a third story there's a french one but i i don't know enough to understand what it said no human has won this

contest in five years it's been a while this combats singlantes maybe it's spanish entre humes androids humans are shit at fighting in space humans are my favorite my favorite poster which is a completely different movie entirely which has a half man half shark creature on the front who was not in the movie fighting a drawing of someone that's cooler much cooler than steve oh yeah so you they have the same thing that we had as children where your mind just goes places with it yeah like this this is what the movie could have been so therefore that's what it is they forgot at the second they watched it and then they sat down to draw the poster and like god i remember there hadn't been a shark guy right in my mind there's a shark guy fighting an awesome guy

this poster is awesome it's the german poster because the tagline is there's a it's a shark with the body of a chubby man uh a lobster claw love it um an iguana foot and an elephant foot on the other side that's a snake for a tail okay and steve armstrong is wearing a 1970s roller ball outfit yes like a helmet with a spiked glove on he's got hydraulic uh leg enhancements with spikes sticking out of the side like tire slashers that's so much better i don't know how much better this it kind of looks like the guy who drew the first mega man box art drew this yeah you definitely got like three different movies confused you were flipping between channels all right well we've done it

we've sorted through all of the many plot lines of arena uh we've made three movies and two of them are still too much movie and none of them are as good as blood sport i i think we can all agree on one thing that we want to die like skull uh having our brains exploded while coming as hard as anyone ever has let me just pour my coffee across my keyboard right now it's the best it's the fucking best i said who did right first i said let me tell you about the night the supreme's crashed a little halloween party called the monster match the zombies were out having fun the party had just begun the guests included

wolfman dracula and his son and three finger louis erin crossden adrian h alpha scientist javbo an andy brought a succubus as his plus one and everybody could tell andres larson spiked the punch with holy water armando navar benjamin sirenin bintolzer locked dracula out on the porch and it really hurt his feelings brandon garlach brian sailor brian widney brockway loves the meat milly and nobody appreciates the pda burrito mouth took a swing at the devil seril rev chance mcdermot was tripping balls so hard he thought everyone was normal chris brower curious glare dan b dracula politely asked the artist formerly known as debon to leave after he puked in the blob dean castello donald finney dr awkward brought dr awkward's monster

and was very pedantic when people called the monster awkward but that was not what they meant eric's balding fancy shark jello just kept making frankenstein's until they drink all the beer greg cunningham just kept fighting drunk frankenstein's ham bone a rocker hot pot jaber al-aidan james boyd brought a van helsing as a date and not one of the chill ones jeff orosky jeremy neal john dean john hector mcfarlane transformed into a bat because it's way cheaper to get drunk as a bat john mccammon john minkoff josh pavy josh s ken paisley k and m m jahe chappelle broke the chandelier trying to show off with a wealth man and he was not impressed matt riley max baroy split into six parts hit himself around the mansion

but nobody looked for him michael lair michael wells was a perfect gentleman but mickey loman was the malignant monster on his back and a total embarrassment mike styles mojo andy neal bailey neal schaffer ate every single one of the mummy's hard-boiled eggs those were work snacks nick ralston wasy olid patrick herbs made the monster from the black lagoon cry in the coat closet rain vagus reyannan zarkovsky shon chaise brought a pure mood cdn wouldn't stop playing it because it was his words so funny spotty reception supernaught summoned a demon and made it to a keg stand ted h timi lehi toasty god tom sakula tomy g waylon russell spraypainted all the hellhounds pink because he thought it would be cute yosarian let all the hellhounds out

and it was not cute aiden moet but dialed the cops the monster cops they did the bash they beat those monsters ass the monster bash it was monster police brutality