The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - Dogg Zzone Episode 9000 - Episode 128, Thunder in Paradise with Dan McQuade

Episode Date: June 21, 2023

This is a podcast about the time Hulk Hogan allied himself with the Confederate army to pull off a time traveling dragshow speedboat grift. The podcast features Seanbaby, Brockway, and guest, Defector's Dan McQuade. Every one of these statements is factually accurate.

1,900 hot dog! 1,900 hot dog! A podcast slammed with maximum height! Say hot dog podcast worked! Yeah! When you taste that nitrate power, you're in the dog zone for an hour! Come on!

You don't remember! 1,900 hot dog! 1,900 hot dog! Come on, you got the number. 1900 Hot Dog. 1900 Hot Dog. 1900 Hot Dog. 1900 Hot Dog. 1900 Hot Dog. 1900 Hot Dog. Yeah, 9000.

Welcome to the Doxon9000, the official podcast of the final comedy website, 1900Hotdog.com. I'm enduring internet treasure, Sean Baby, from the World Wide Web, and my co-host was voted 72% wow in a men's bulge magazine reader poll. He's the great brother Rockway!

I'm gonna pump those numbers up, right? That's 75 at least now. I'm Robert Rockwell. Here's a Rockwell effect. My Confederate speedboat drag name is Dixie Rec. No follow-up question, Starlin. Who would have? Who would have one? We are joined by Hotdog Favorite. He's a journalist, editor and co-founder at Defector.com. Dan McQuade, welcome back. Hey, thanks. Thanks for having me on again. Um, this was a show that I suggested. So I apologize that you too had to watch this episode. Oh, you have nothing to apologize for. Hope to get as one of my favorite things. And I never watched this show like ever.

That's a rock, rock weights, things you have something. No, Paul. Just what? No, I think you might by the end of this because you just put yourself on the hook for whatever we say. Now, now your response, you've taken responsibility as the manager of this podcast, the captain of this podcast. So anything that happens now as we, as we learned from the noble George Sibley That the responsibility falls on you. I'm actually very excited to be coming on today because as we're recording Sean published a hostess Snack ads This this afternoon or this this morning and that is like one of the first things that I

after this morning and that is like one of the first things that I feel like I ever read from you is what's like the incredible Hulk killing those roller disco guys. Yeah. By rolling up the street, how did, I'm a journalist, I got to ask a question here, how did you become the foremost expert on hosting? I think there was just comic snobbing in the market for it. I don't think anyone else in the entire world cared about these things. What year were you doing? Because nobody else was on the internet.

It was like you and three other people. Yeah, there's you and Dan and one other person. Honestly, I think I first put up the site in 1996 for Hostess. Yeah. And it rebuilt it a couple of years later, maybe five years later into what it looks like now. But yeah, I remember on your old site, you even like interviewed someone who had,

Bob was like, like, drawn them and did not, he did not like, play along as much as I would have liked. No, his work. Yeah, he was just real straight with all his answers. I thought that interview was so dry I went back in later and like tried to zany up the the Questions like without changing like the meaning of them. I was like God. There's got to be like a joke in here, but like Don't shit on my legacy, sir

But yeah, I did learn a lot I learned from him that the heroes were not allowed to eat the fruit pies and so that That's important Was a fun fact, especially in the article that we just posted on the site because... I love that panel. It's just, it's pies all the time. There's one thing, fucking erase the pie out of it, Zan. But like they leave his bulging cheeks, like he's still got a half a pie in his mouth. Well they also leave his erased hand, so he's like confidently holding nothing and like mimeing,

mimeing pie eating. What was the reasoning behind that rule? It seems like really separated. So like, I think it was an endorsement of the product that theoretically could interfere with future products. Like I speculated diet shakes. So if you wanted to have Captain America selling a diet shake, it might not make sense for him to also be like chowing down on Twinkie in a different ad. But again, that's raw speculation from my part. Comics code was also insane.

It could genuinely be like, but they don't want to taunt them by like, oh, this is unhealthy. You're advocating an unhealthy lifestyle. Let's all declare war on comic books again. Twinkies look too much like a dick and like we can't have Hulk. The devil's cops, they called them in the cell.

All right, these are all good reasons. It's like very funny that the superheroes have to use the pies in like a... Yeah, or just not use them at all. Yeah, I always found it funny because comic books, they're already so violent. Like Captain America punches this way through most of his problems.

And then here they are like, well, if you're selling a pie, you gotta be more gentle. It's like, yeah, but punching Nazis on each page in each direction. Like, who the fuck cares? Like, I don't know It's just one of the silliest things that's ever been to me. It's still after all these years

And I look at them. I'm like, God, this is so weird The the one that I remember from my childhood was a Meatloaf Comic oh, yeah, it was like on the back of a bunch of comics and like the mid 80s. Yeah, it's for like the special Olympics. Yeah, because like in the first panel, he's like jamming out, but he's thinking like special Olympians are the real heroes. Yeah, he had to keep going for them.

Like he's totally out of juice. He's like, out of the fucking, those little racers, I gotta fucking power through this song for them. Yeah, and then the crowd was all superheroes and they're like, we're with you too, mate love. I just gotta help that little guy catch that onion. I know that pain. That's a call back to a recent episode.

The Dan has in the heart, okay. Good job, mate. That's fun. I kinda got the joke anyway. Yeah, he did chase an onion, and he couldn't catch the onion. But it'll make sense someday. He's still chasing that onion to this day. Oh yeah.

Rest in peace. Rest in peace. One of our staffers, Patrick Redford, tweeted before the season that if the Sacramento Kings made the playoffs, he would eat an onion, like raw, like an apple on a livestream. And they were like the number three seed in the west.

So he had to eat an onion on a livestream and it was pretty great. Did he get through a whole thing? Yeah, he did. I think it was a little tough going at the end, but he did eat an onion like he said he would. That is what the factor media tries to do. We try to follow through on our promises. You're staying up for it. Expert.

Yeah. Segway into it. Moving into it. Well, I do want to talk about Hulk Maniac a little bit because I grew up to be a Hulk Maniac and I would like to apply you as a Hulk Maniac. One of the first adjectives I would use. Sure. Hulk Maniac still echoes unironically through a lot of the dark corners of my soul. But he has this thing that I think a lot of wrestlers have. Like the rock and John Cena they have this majestic presence when they're

wrestlers. Like when they're in arena and that's like WrestleMania, I can't fucking believe I'm looking at the rock. And then you put them in a movie or TV show and you say everyone's like, well, no, I'm not gonna watch this. Is that right? You kidding me? It's like, you could replace Hulk Hogan

with like Melvin Scars guard and it would be just as appealing to me as a movie. And it's just, I don't know, that larger than like persona goes away when you make them a zany muscle dentist or a speedboat crime fighter in this case. So I guess I never watched Thunder and Paradise because once you take Hulk Hogan out of the context of wrestling, who gives a shit?

Yeah, I had never seen Thunder in Paradise either. And I think it's because I don't think I had seen any of Hulk Hogan's movies until I was an adult because they just looked so fucking terrible. I mean, they are. And then having seen them as an adult, I was right to avoid them. Like Mr. Nanny and Suburban Commando are pretty bad. No holds bar, they're like WWF made one.

That might seem a really magical element. But only because it's like so insane. Like, we're fighting today is what we're doing. There's a scene in No holds bar where like, you're supposed to think he's like jerking off in the hotel room with with what's her name? Yeah, it'll come to me. It'll come to me. And then it turns out, oh he's just doing push-ups. And supposedly the story is, is that Vince McMahon and Hulk Hogan

like Vince McMahon and Hulk Hogan, like, rewrote that script over three days in a hotel room, and like, it really does read like, yeah, this is what Vince McMahon would find funny without like thinking about like, we all watch TV, WBF. We know he wrote those jokes. He wrote every single joke in there. If they shared a hotel room for three days,

they definitely caught each other joking off. What is that? That was a reference. That was the a hotel room for three days, they definitely caught each other jerking off. What is that? That's what they've been trying to at least. Yeah, they're like, I was there inside Joe, doing push ups brother, you know it. Thanks remember when you caught me jerking off this morning in this afternoon and four times last night. Remember how funny that was as I'm speaking.

Of course I remember the Hulkster. I treasure that memory so much, Hulkster. Let's put it on the movie, brother. I was also a Hulk of maniac. You know, I was so, the first wrestling event I ever attended was Summer Slam 90, which had a dual main event of Hulk Hogan versus earthquake and Ultimate Warrior versus Rick Rude. And it was like Hogan had been injured by

earthquake, earthquake's big finishing move was just like sitting on you, which was a pretty great finishing move. And you know he had like injured Hogan with this over the over the summer and this was Hogan coming back. And Hogan won the match by Countdown, and he was jumping around the ring, celebrating crazy. And I was seven years old. This is maybe the type of person you can tell I would

grow up to be. I was seven years old, and I was like, this is so stupid. He should be pissed. He only won by count, and should be like, there's an honor. And I think, yeah, I think they were trying to set it up, like, oh, then come see him at the Untelevi show,

House Show, when it comes around your fair, or whatever. But to me, I was just like, why? If he had just been like, oh, I won, but I wanted to pin him. Then, like, my love for Hulk Hogan, like definitely fell, started falling off when I was seven. There's another thing about Hulk Hogan is that he is indirectly responsible for the creation of defector media.

It's like several seminars back. By the Guckers. Yeah. We used to, yeah, I used to work for a site called deadspin and I had signed on there after the lawsuit the successful lawsuit by Hulk Hogan bankrolled by Peter Teal over a post and and excerpts of a Hulk Hogan above of the love sponge as wife's

bedroom video. My brain is trying to like find the bottom of this story. I'm like, we might be here another 45 minutes trying to sell it to you. Yeah. And so he successfully sued. They, you know, and he sued in Florida where like you, if you want to appeal, you still need to put like the full

amount in a scroll that youGrow that you were, that you were, that the judgment came. And so, you know, a gocker media had like a like 130 million dollar judgment against it. So they filed for bankruptcy. The Spanish language media company, Univision, bought it. And they were my bosses when I worked there, and then a private equity firm bought it. And that's when things sort of went to hell, and then we all quit. And it was great, it all worked out.

But lots of people do not like Hulk Hogan, who worked there, and I work at my site as well. I'm still mad about the celebrating the count out, too much. who worked there and I work at my site as well. I'm still mad about the celebrating the countdown too much. You just, that's my main thing. I've been holding a grudge for many years over that. That's a shit in it. I've paid in so many asses, you've tied in the racism of this episode,

the wrestling, the jerking off, all together and segwayed it into a historical plug. That was beautiful. Very good. I only had one note about the racism. There was more than the one racism. I just think the racism and the sex tape, the racism and the episode. Yes, of course. Like it all just the the the thematics, the motifs of this fun. That's why you're the best Dan.

Yeah, yeah, I try. I try. I thought the intro to this show was almost sarcastic. It did kind of make me laugh. It starts with Hulk Hogan running from an explosion. And then it quickly cuts to him running from another explosion with a woman over his shoulder. And then some bikini girls charging to the water and then a boat explodes and i'm just like this is

like a perfect it's a perfect like key and peel bit about thunder and paradise or something. but it all happens to like a jack johnson song to like a photo jack johnson island it's chill island vibes. it's so insane like it's like almost like a colipso song. Yeah, look at it's like a wrist-lu-out sing-along song. I have a clip of it. Oh yeah please. Explosion. I think this is a part where Hulk miniguns I can't until it explodes. This is definitely bouncing to it, it's explosion. Explosion. Never how I wanna hear!

Never how I wanna hear! Just mowing down dude after dude. This would be a perfect fucking off to see movie about a raven octopus or something yeah it's kind of like inspirational but like with hot hogan yeah it's like harvester lovebug goes to the beach kind of vibes just the last thing that you expect is it to be said against. He literally busts out a minigun and just pulls the trigger on it and stays there until something explodes, right?

As they go like, no, it's not the right, it's not the right setting. I was trying to take notes of like the stuff in my notes, say bikini explosion, smile of an innocent child, oozy creeping, best friend beach party, Nintendo 64 cutscene vote explosion. That's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's an Nintendo 64 cutscene, you know. Every time they need that vote, they really, really, really thing. I also love, there's a guy named Patrick McNeigh

as Edward Whitaker, which is just a full on made up name and character name. Like, that's it. Ha, ha's it. Like, come on. Patrick McNeigh is Edward Whitaker. Get the fuck out of here. I like the whole intro is making me laugh.

He's like zipping through the canal and the super boat. And they cut to the interior. It's just so overdone. He's got monitors and radars, knobs and switches. Like a boat has like a little fucking lever, right? This is a console for a spaceship with 50 weapon systems. And this is actually recognized like some Battlestar Galactica control panels.

Like original Battlestar Galactica control panels. Right, that's awesome. Yeah, it's like they weren't sure what they wanted to do. It's like they wanted to do the Batmobile, but also a night rider that doesn't talk and then just to like have something different. They're like, oh, and it's a boat And like the only boating that happens in this episode is by like Carol Alts character. Yes, uh, and Yeah, I don't know how much of that plot I understood. Do you think it could have been for plausible deniability that this

was even a boat show. Like they are never shown on top of a round touching or addressing the boat in any way. They cut to a separate set where they're in like a dark box full of control panels. And then they're like, in a forest and they'll, they'll mention thunder. Never let he's a boat. I might not have it set in stone that he was even a boat. Like it could have been a robot. It could have been, it could have been anything.

It could have been a spaceship. God, what if it was a robot and this is, we're seeing like, getting retooled or like, we don't have enough money for a robot. We can give you a vote. Yeah, the robot is not, the robot's not playing. It's a speedboat show now. It looks like it can't be us. It could be a speedboat.

What show brother are you right? You know what I just realized? We have not told the listeners what the name of the episode is we're talking about today. Why would we? Because it's just just wait. All right, do it. Hold the trigger. It's called the Getty's Burg Change of Address.

Change of Address. What? This is, I'm going to bring it up now as an overarching issue I had with the show, which is that this is the most 80s, I know it was 94, it's the most 80s-ass lazy comedy action show. Oh, God, yeah. That is perhaps ever been made because they do this thing where every line of dialogue is a quip, like it has modern Marvel movie pacing where everybody's just setting everybody else for a quip.

But a hundred percent of their quips are like vaudeville jokes from the Twannings. Yeah. They're just like the vaudeville jokes from the Twannings. Yeah. They're just like the punchlines of jokes from like 1930 were removed from all context. Like he'll just say the punchline from a vaudeville joke and then Hulk will ignore it because what else could you do? And that's it.

It's like, I would swear an AI wrote this, if I didn't know. That speedboat wrote this. And they have no chemistry. Like the punchlines are, what's his name, Chris Lemmon, the sidekick. He's like, I'm an idiot, boy. And then Hogan's responsible. We just need fuck you.

And that's the whole thing. That's it. He's just so fucking cranky all the time. With good reason. Like his bits don't work. They open with like a diarrhea joke like, oh, good, it's like if I had you open running, he's like, you did have me up and running.

Oh boy, remind me, never to eat chutney again. And like, it's just, it's not related to anything. You brought that out of, you did your own setup with disappointing punchline that was old 30 years ago and it had no nobody reacts. It's like he's like the speedboat. Did they just build this show in pieces? They had a bunch of hidden footage, a bunch of speedboat footage. Incredible.

No charm. Right on a diarrhea joke. In reverse, desperate word playing with no context. In any way, it's the first line. Is that not the very first line? Almost. Yeah, it's almost the very first line Is that not the very first line? It's almost, yeah, it's almost the very first line. I think the very first line is one of those like lazy action writing things where it's like, hey, if we had remember Ghana and other guys like, oh, yes, of course, I remember all of our unseen adventures. This is just Budapest all over again, pal.

Don't you remind me of Budapest. I think the only person allowed to do this is John Carpenter because something terrible happened to snakepliskin in Cleveland, and every character mentions it across two movies, and I just, I think, I really, that's a backstory I can get behind when, when something, like you could tell John Carpenter

in his head sort of knows what happened in Cleveland, whereas you know when like Hawkeye and Scarlet which are talking about Budapest, they're like, yeah, no one fucking wrote this. No one even mentioned this. I also think in, in Escape from New York, they're making fun of this. Yes. Like I think all the way back in the early 80s, they're already making fun of this. And 10 years later, this show is like, we just discovered this.

Yeah. With this thing so much time, we don't have to write shit. We could just have them talk about stuff. No one did write. So I've done some research about the show. And you know, you guys both had some thoughts about like what the show was trying to be like. I have a quote from Hulk Hogan for when the show came out about what what the show is

about so let me let me read this to you I'll throw in some brothers because they're all please they must have added these out of the newspaper because there I see no brothers in this that's not possible possible. So this has all the elements, brother. It's across between Miami Vice, the A team and Indiana Jones, all in one. We've got the lethal weapon relationship between me and Chris brother. Hard to say. We've got the romancing the stone mood lighting relationship between me and Felicity. He's got a little girl figured in for all the jeopardy. I assume he means like actual jeopardy and not jeopardy the game show But who knows what she doesn't have a trevice. She's just kind of filled with yeah, it's got a lot of trivia

She has a lot of trivia about the Confederate army Why does this like it knows so much about this the Confederate army? Oh, right her father's home Yeah This is my kid knows so much about the Confederate army. Oh, right. Her father's home. Logan. Yeah. He goes on, blah, blah, blah. And then I've seen the Daily's brother. It's unbelievable. On top of that, you've got all the girls on the beach in bikinis like Baywatch.

We're stealing from them. And we've got the Batmobile on water, the Thunderboat, which is the centerpiece for all the action. It, which is the centerpiece for all the action. It is definitely not the centerpiece for all the action. I have an issue with the Thunderboat. I see. That's also true. It's called the...

It's just called Thunder. The Scarab. The Scarab. The Scarab. Yeah. Or Thunder. It's his Thunderboat because he's Thunder. Oh, no, he's Hurricane.

Yeah. He's Hurricane. Right, he's Hurricane. Who the fuck is Thunder? Maybe the boat is... He drives thunder. Oh, no, he's hurricane. He's hurricane. He's hurricane. Who the fuck is the word? Maybe the boat is a drive's thunder. Heart attack. It's a syrup. I don't, like, the world is good. I don't understand how the boat does not talk.

It should just talk like it's not a writer. And it would be a better show. We had the technology to turn a truck into a man. We could absolutely turn a boat a boat into Hulk Oak. That was a year before this. Why every show after Monster Wars wasn't just doing monster wars. It was right there. If you're going to rip off like 50-year-old jokes,

rip off a one-year-old show, that's fine. Yeah, it's fine. This is just like a discussion we had about boats in Budapest. This was filmed at the Disney MGM studios in Florida, which is right about the time this episode aired. Hulk Hogan would have signed with WCW and they had like a parade at the MGM studios at Disney World to celebrate Hulk Hogan's return to wrestling from like I don't know six months off. Right. To do this. To do this. To do this. To do this. To do this. To do this. To do this. To do this. To do this. To do this. To do this. To do this. To do this. To do this. To do this. To do this. To do this. To do this. To do this. To do this. To do this. To do this. To do this. To do this. To do this. To do this. To do this. To do this. To do this. To do this. To do this. To do this. To do this. To do this. To do this. To do this. To do this. To do this. To do this. To do this. To do this. To do this. To do this. To do this. To do this. To do this. To do this. To do this. To do this. To do this. To do this. To do this. To do this. To do this. To do this. To do this. To do this. To do this. To do this. To do this. To do this. To do this. To do this. To do this. To do this. To do this. To do this. To do this. To do this. To do this. To do this. To do this. To do this. To do this. To do this. To do this. To do this. To do this. To do this. To do this. To do this. To do this. To do this. To do this. To do this. To do this. To do this. To do this. To do this. To do this. To do this. To do this. To do this. To do this. To do this. To do this. To do this. To do this. To do this. To do this. To do this. To do this. To do this. To do this. To do this. To do this. To do this. To do this. To do this. To do this. To do this. and soul and focus and timing being one and the same. What you saw during the 80s with Hulk Hogan could be just a mere stepping stone to the level I could take it to now. I've planned this thing,

it's not like I'm stumbling into it. And so if my strategy's right, with a little bit of timing and a whole lot of luck, it could be a beautiful thing again. Well. And it was not. No, it was not. So this was like a pilot movie that aired on CBS. And then like the CBS VP gave a quote to the paper that was like, yeah, we

think Colcogans are great, Kat, we're going to like, this is going to be a successful eight o'clock show is what the CBS temper your expectations don't oh, and then a little dizzier stick. And then the producer Douglas short to him and Mitchell Burke were the producers also to the producers of Baywatch. We're going to steal from Baywatch brother by being the same big good because it was also their show. Yeah, like like like like Hogan's like we're stealing this from Baywatch.

It's like kind of, but also like you kind of just hired the Baywatch guys kind of but it's also the only idea they ever had Yeah, it's something something beach Yeah, so Douglas Schwartz said We're far more than confident in this show. I know with almost certainty that will be picked up for a minimum of 13 episodes Plus the two-hour movie. It did not get picked up and it, they like cut some things into movies and then they did like one of the like Baywatch it was sold as in syndication. Just where TV shows would show it on Saturday afternoon or whatever. And like by the mid 90s when Hogan was pretty much full time back in WCW, it aired five days a week on TNT.

I can I can read you the other shows. But they're like six episodes. Five days a week. Just keep. Yeah, I guess. So also on every day on TNT where Scooby-Doo Johnny Quest the Flintstones Gilligan's Island not landing and chips. I really was like a Only yeah because it cost the same amount

because it cost the same amount. God and Hulk Hogan's like this will change the world, brother. This is the first step in my grand scheme to dominate the world, brother. And if it goes right with a little luck. Jesus, another thing from the opening is that he was trying to be Terry Hogan. It says like Terry Hulk Kogan in the credits. I think he still had a license the name for Marvel comics. So he would have saved that a lot of money if you could get people to start calling him Terry. Yeah. The Terry. I would also like to, we brought up Chris Lemon if we're doing overall show stuff.

He is of course Jack Lemon's disappointing son. if we're doing overall show stuff. He is, of course, Jack Lemmon's disappointing son. It's really? Yes he is. This is his most notable role except for, he was just in that movie, blonde, which nobody liked, where he played, Jack Lemmon. Wow.

That's so embarrassing, it's literally an arrested development joke. It's literally an arrest. It's like a Martin Shin joke. Yeah, that's like a... There was also a profile of Hulk Hogan in New York Newsday, which is like the largest suburban paper in the country because it's the New York City, it which is like the largest suburban paper in the country, because it's the New York City, it's like a long island paper. So hundreds of thousands of people would have seen this interview, at least in theory.

And the reporter tries to go to a restaurant called the Russian Tea-Rume with Hulk Hogan. And she even makes reservations, but he just shows up at Planet Hollywood instead. All restaurants are playing Hollywood, brother. And then she tells him that TV guide gave the show a one out of ten. Hulk Hogan said, that's great, brother. That means it's going to do well run for about seven eight years Like I don't think TV guy this like like oh, yeah, the inverse of what they say goes Right, I guess he just thought like oh, they don't understand it, but they're the elitist. The elitist TV guy.

It's too intellectual for TV guy. They just don't understand the nuance of speedboat, the love between a speedboat and a man, brother. Think about how dire the early 90s TV escape was for TV guy to give something a one out of 10. Yeah. Like the mean average of 1992 to be a one that's like a negative six today. It's also I feel like TV guy was such a like not like a bastion of journalistic integrity.

Like they didn't they had a lot to think about. So if you give a TV show a one on a tent, they won't advertise with you. Like, maybe their parent company would advertise you there. Financially incentivized to get everything kind of a six if it sucks. And so here they are, like, going on record saying this is fucking garbage. That's, I don't know.

I only specialize, like, everything that, every profile TV guy I ever did that I remember was like mid-shit. It was firmly unremarkable, middling crap. Like, it was always stuff like this. They should have given this like a seven. This, I would have assumed a seven. So you hear that they gave it a one is astonishing to me.

Yeah, that's like personal. Somebody was like, somebody got pile drive by Hulk Hogan or something. Somebody's wife was made love to buy that speedboat. I did really think it was weird that Chris Limon can't act. Like, I don't think it's weird that Hulk Hogan can't act. He's still kind of got a big personality, but like I think it's weird that they cast

like a partner that couldn't act and had no chemistry. Cause they had like what, 25 crowd shots of Brutus of Barber Beefcake. Brutus of Barber Beefcake and Whole Coke and have chemistry. Like why is it not those two in the boat? That's a way more interesting show to me. That Jack Lemmian influence, I guess. Yeah, I guess. What if it was? I mean they really do have a lot of shots of Froot is like for seemingly no reason other than that. Like he's Holkogen's friend in real life. Yeah. It was just hang, you wasn't even on call. He was just hanging out. He had such a job like wondering in his face.

Like he's so happy all the time. He's just clapping at stuff and he just, I don't know, he just looked so happy in every shot. Really cheered me up every time I saw him. I'm like, wow, that young boy is so happy. Wait, that's Brutus of Barber Beef King. Yeah. I read a tweet from a guy named Tape Machines who is a good like wrestling Twitter person and uh he wrote that Jim the Anvil Nighthart is a nine of these episodes Wow of thunder and paradise so I assume Jimmy Hartz in some two

Yeah I can have 90b like yeah he can yeah maybe the nasty boys like whoever else Hulk Hogan is friends with I think sting sting is in this is something named hammerhead God that's cool name It's better than if you think it's better than a character named yeah If you have a character named hammerhead and like you can get sting for that That's such a win for the for the casting director Like what a hammerhead that guy is

I feel he should feel bad for naming himself sting when he could have been hammerhead that guy is. I feel he should feel bad for naming himself Stink when he could have been hammerhead all those years. Oh, that's true. Who would have had a much better gimmick too? Aside from confusing something, which was his gimmick. I think it was a certain guy, and then absolutely just the crow.

Once the crow came out, he was the crow for the rest of his life. He was the ultimate warrior's tag team partner and when they were first starting out and they were rock and sting and rock later changed his name to the ultimate warrior and Sting just kept his name the whole rest of his career.

The ultimate sting. Sting is a better name than rock. So yeah, yeah, rock definitely needed the. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm, you know, no one ever used it though. But back to the show, they're, they're often do a war games. They very carefully disguise this in the dialogue. All the exposition is just very naturally included in the normal conversation. So I think it sends something like,

Hulk Hogan has thunder, what partner we are in our superboat to simulation of war. Where we use fake bullets to battle, should we discuss any character traits of our potential opponents? It was like that level of natural, I guess. Like all the exposition is delivered by Hulk Hogan, who's making sure the guy in the very last row of the arena can see what he's doing.

And it was just, I was very confused. And the whole time he's doing that, the nerd who was Chris Lemmon, I'd brew, I think is his name. It's shooting him in the ankles with a remote control robot, with a remote control like Carr with a cannon, and just over and over again, shoots him in the ankles. This is important for no reason because it comes back later in the episode. But remember that it shoots

Hulk Hogan in the ankles several times to gently annoy him. Right. And that's like an allegory for their relationship. Like Chris Lemons annoying. He doesn't quite do shit right and Hulk Hogan's annoyed and cranky about it. This called the cater and that stands for something. I couldn't hear what it said. they're running through it something but it's frowned attack tactical activation robot. Thank you. I'm so glad you wrote that down and it looks like a remote control truck with a little

like Lego tank cannon on it. It looks pretty bad. The B-Pot of the episode is Jetsky Race and it's called the Sea Doos scuttled butt program. Fantastic name. Wait, wait, Race, and it's called the C-Doos Skuddle Butt Proam, fantastic name. Wait, wait, wait, and it's because they zoom from the sign to a butt. To a butt, and that's whole crowd is purring out on that butt. Best joke of the show. This is, yes, this is Allison, is the girl's name. She's the key to girl hanging the sign,

and they do that bit where they're like, oh no, a little bit higher, a little bit lower, a little bit higher higher so that she's like hanging out up there and everyone can lear at her butt. And it is like 15 dudes just there to look at her butt. And again, this is 1994, so you could, I guess you could like turn into a cartoon wolf if you want it. Like you could just yell at a woman, I like your fucking nipples! I like that's just a normal part of a day for a night. Yeah. Which they which they did. I remember this like I remember this has a 90s thing I'm not

going to call this show out like how dare they because this was like totally a 90s gag, which was that 30 men would pile around and watch an attractive woman do something. Yep. That somebody else hated. And that's sure enough what they're doing here, but especially being on the beach and something about the desperation in their faces, it's just plays now as like you are not safe right now. Yeah. And this is not the situation is one of them. And he has like those child eyes where you're like, I'm not sure this man has had puberty

fully explained to him. I don't know if he's like. He's not. He's not. He's not. He's not. He's not. He's not. He's not. He's not. He's not. He's not. He's not. He's not. He's not. He's not. He's not. He's not. He's not. He's not. He's not. He's not. He's not. He's not. He's not. He's not. He's not. He's not. He's not. He's not. He's not. He's not. He's not. He's not. He's not. He's not. He's not. He's not. He's not. He's not. He's not. He's not. He's not. He's not. He's not. He's not. He's not. He's not. He's not. He's not. He's not. He's not. He's not. He's not. He's not. He's not. He's not. He's not. He's not. He's not. He's not. He's not. He's not. He's not. He's not. He's not. He's not. He's not. He's not. He's not. He's not. He's not. He's not. He's not. He's not. He's not. He's not. He's not. He's not. He's not. He's not. He's not. He's not. He's. He's not. He's not. He's not. He's not. He's not. He's not. He's not. He's not. He's not. He's not. He's not. He's not. He's not. He's not. He's not. He's not. He's not. He's not. He's not. He's not. He to know about that B plot. So now we're back to rehashing the main plot. They're doing a war games and some army general is there, or not army captain, I think, and he wants Hogan and Chris Lemon to join into the war games. As far as I know, they're former Navy SEALs, current civilians, like, are they?

Yeah, I believe that's right but yeah they're mercenaries of course because we thought that was cool uh... in the nineties before we realize that's the worst thing it's i just i this whole plot is uh... fine like i'm okay with whole covenin christleman getting involved in a a war games but they set it up in a way where i'm like well this is stupid now like why would the

actual army come out to these two dudes, especially because they like specifically said, you can't bring your fucking boat. And I wrote that down and it's like, this is this is five minutes into the episode and I wrote down, this is going to be a good episode of the boat show. Yeah. So these, you know, this show was produced by Douglas Schwartz and Mitchell Burke who did Baywatch and also Baywatch Knights and during 2020 my wife and I watched every episode of Baywatch all 240. Oh my god. What about Baywatch Knights?

So Baywatch Knights, we watched the first season and we could not get through season two. And like we got through 242 Baywatches. So, but they watch nights as a weird show. Nice, I'm gonna turn next. I was he, right? Yeah, the second season, they got good. Yeah, they, they like battle monsters with like they never explain why they're battling monsters now.

The best. It started out as like, there's a podcast I've listened to, they watching that goes through all the Baywatch episodes and what the woman who does this, Alison Pregler said on one of the episodes is that David Hasselhoff thought he had the rights to the TV show Police Story and wanted to remake it. And then he found out he didn't have the rights. So they just made Baywatch nights where they were like private detectives. But the whole point of what I was trying to say is the show takes place almost entirely

during the day. The Baywatch Knights just doesn't make any sense as a title. The their detestant office is above on night club named Knights. That is owned by Lou Rawls for half of the first season and then they switch. I don't think you get it. They're nights. They're the nights of Baywatch battling the supernatural. I believe our official hotdog stances we love Baywatch Night Season 2. We did a mission of a separate theme song just for that. We did pay a large amount of money for a theme song. I imagine of the Bay for a theme song. For the version of the Baywatch Night's theme song. And it's a fucking amazing theme song.

I do like, I found an old interview of him like talking about Baywatch Night's just because I was like, curious. And like, he claims like something like, well, we had never even heard of the X-Files when we decided to go this direction in the show. Like, oh, okay. Okay, sure, sure David. I invent I thought I had the rights to monsters.

I didn't. God damn it. Has a half. I'm going to email tonight. Tell me an asshole. Uh, so I have a my notes that they said that he wasn't allowed to bring a boat. But then Hulk Hogan's like, all right, we're going to bring our own weapons, which I thought was fucking crazy because this is like not a live fire event, right? This is a laser tag event. And so this this

army captain is just like, okay, civilian mercenary, you can bring your whatever weapons you want to the fake war games like well This is my favorite one of my favorite parts of this is is what they think and the various ways that they try and fail to Execute on the concept of war games. Yes, war games to them means laser tag right it means they use their actual guns But somehow it's laser tag right but what they how that works is Spoilers for what we're going to talk about the second. The bad guy gives his his troops live rounds. But they show that is like they take out the laser clip and put in the live round clip. So they think that the lasers are stored in some kind of clip, which is why he can bring his own weapons and

sometimes the lasers and sometimes they're not. Right, but the idea that like one character would say to another character, yes, go ahead and bring whatever weapons you want implies that thunder and paradise either didn't have a weapon safety expert on set or no one on the set had ever talked to one. Like, I just don't think anyone's ever worked on a movie that would think it was okay to just bring whatever weapons you want from home like i don't know well he was confident because he knew he was going to murder

yes i guess that's maybe it's supposed to be a warning sign to us as the viewer like oh this guy has this guy's in the carol coke and brings because he's going to kill him now for our listeners at home who are probably wondering 45 minutes into this podcast, where does, why does this have anything to do with the Confederate army? Yeah. Good question. It doesn't.

Very good question. Not at all. Until they show up. What it does. Until they just show up. Right, but the whole, I'm saying the whole setup of this is absolutely like this is an A team episode. This is a what it's any other show does war games, but the bad guy decides live rounds. Okay, got it. Great episode totally on board for these antics and then only

only Thunder and Paradise is like and and and best part, Confederate Army. Yes. So, and they just show up. Oh, go ahead. Yeah, like I had heard the name of this episode, and that's why I wanted to watch it. I had heard one of the things, some of the things that, that happened in it. And when they were like the war games,

and they're on the beach, I was like, how the hell are they going to get to Gettysburg? Like, where, where is this going? Like, they seem to be in like Southern Florida, Southern California. Yeah, they're still in Florida. That's the thing. No where near Gettysburg. But they thought of that pun,

that great pun Gettysburg change of address that they had to use. Had to use it. They, yeah, so they're in the jungle getting set up for like, ambushing the army in this laser tag game. And then just a ton of civil war soldiers, like, just crash through the jungle and start fighting. And there's a little person who runs out loads of cannon

and runs off never to be seen again. And then that's the. They're like fighting like a round Hulk and Chris. Like if they're not there, like as if they wouldn't be like, hey, get off our work are like work. The end of the park reserved Hulk Hogan. So I took down some of the exposition. I talked I'll make fun of this earlier,

but I just want people to hear what the exposition the show is like. Who are you what are you doing here? She's a little red riding hood, he's the hunter and I'm the big bad wolf. And who are we pretending to be today? Well I'm sir, his great-grandfather, General George, lines for seven. I read about him, in the middle of the battle he's like out in his tree, in a tunnel and got shot back.

Well actually you get to the wrong honey. Oh, see what happened is he was tunneling in to be with his men and he was stabbing the back with a Yankee sword. Oh, okay, I can't say that George General's body never found. Well, they never found that tunnel neither. I mean, if you've seen any 80s show, you can

just skip the rest because you already know every moment's happening. I wrote that down exactly like, oh, I wonder what we're going to find out. Is it that this brave Confederate soldier was actually a hero and he should have his faith redeemed? I did think it was weird that they would give a full name and it's specifically the last name was so out of place

that I went and looked it up. And there is a famous Confederate general named Sibli, but it's Henry Hopkins Sibli, and I do believe he was the inspiration for this, because his Wikipedia page says he was most famous for an unfortunate retreat, and his several serious blunders apparently caused by drunkenness. He was charged, but not convicted of cowardice. Wow, it's amazing you get charged with cowardice. So fantastic.

I would just like to say, like, why, it's clearly based on this guy, but why do you have to redeem him? Why are they like this poor guy? This poor Confederate soldier has to be redeemed. I bet the writer was a coward and he probably said, I want to do something nice for another coward. I'm going to... Hello, Drunken Coward.

Hello, Drunken Coward. I'm going to... I took another clip from this scene. I'm going to play it. To a render or these men will be cackled. Simply, you can't take some billions as prisoners. Why not? Uh, it's against real, George. Well, the rules are stupid. Every year we come out here and it's the same thing.

I get plugged, I go down, I'm dead. I would just like to win for once. Yeah, but the staff wants to. Well, yeah, I'm not talking about the whole war. I'm just talking about this one better. I just want to win the one with great break granddaddy lost. What's the problem with that? Sounds fair to me. Yeah, great break brand yet. You lost. What's the problem with that?

Sounds fair to me. Yeah, winnings a good thing. Absolutely. Very interesting. Three in actors, George. You're not to get to wear that uniform. All right. Just go ahead and kill me.

That's okay. That's it. That's like how are we going to get them on board with this racist idiot? And they just that's it. They just say yeah, sounds good to me. Winning's great. Yeah, Chris Chris love it guys. Sounds fair to me. Yeah, the Hulk is being like yeah, winning's good for the South and the Civil War. That's what brings them together. They all love winning. They all want to win. See Hulk wants to win the war games. This guy wants to win this for the Confederacy. Chris Lemon wants to win the affection of his father. They shoot him and he does like a big fake death. And this is the only time in the script with a little girl smiled.

I just made a note of that that this girl had very very deadpan reactions to all the strangeness going on except for this she smiled. So the other thing about the little girl is that she says the quote the Union Army defeated a small unit of brave confessors about the battle of Legetti'sburg and then she knows all about the guy's grandfather or great-grandfather or whatever and it's like how does this little girl know so much about the confederate side of the civil war? Well once I have questions. Yes, she's supposed to be in the show like the holster's. So I think Sean nailed that earlier. Yeah. Yes, he has taught her all about it, especially since she and every other person will only refer to

them from now on as brave Confederate soldiers. I never, the other way around, it's never a brave union or mayor, whatever. It's always these brave, these noble, noble, noble, rebels, they owned humans, that the balls it takes to own humans. And to fight, to fight for that right to defend that. I mean, all they wanted was to win the right to own humans and winnings a good thing. We're just protecting the human only economy. Come on. The, the guy who guy whose grandfather is the guy, that actor is Jeff Altman, who is a like 80s comedian. He was on Letterman a lot. I think Letterman found him really funny. I'm not sure. You don't agree? I don't know if I agree. He does like magic now. I think he does like corporate events, Jeff Altman, and we'll like also do like card tricks.

I was like looking at his website. It said he studied with like Ricky J and Dye Vernon who are both like, like, I don't know too much about magic, but like those guys are like, but those guys are on another level of magic. They're also both dead, so maybe he's making it up. No, no, no, I don't think he's making it up. We have a lead suspect. No, ultimate. Yeah, but he was on Baywatch five times as five separate characters, so that's clearly

why they love him. They love him. He's that memorable. They love it. They love it. They just see that memorable They're like yes, yeah, if you've been here four times Jeff's like dude no one fucking remembers me trust me I Go to the same grocery store four times a week and they have never recognized me I do have in my notes here that whole Kogan calls calls brew I do have in my notes here that Hulk Hogan calls, calls brew mashed potato muscles. Yes.

I feel like that's important. I couldn't tell you just talking to him or the girl. I finally decided he hadn't been to talking to him. He would never cause daughter that, right? Maybe. It's very unclear. He just goes, come on, mashed potato muscles. And then walks in like, he mumbles at you

with that treat mark, Hulk Hogan delivery mumbles it and then storms off like he's mad about. Yeah, he delivers every line like he's reading it for the first time like like the inflections are wrong. Like you're reading like the way you're saying it is very natural like you're calling someone that and the whole Cogans just like, come on, mash potato muscles. You're like, what the fuck are you talking to? My notes say fucking headstand on a C-Due because after they cut Yeah, some dude is doing a fucking headstand on a C-Due. That's so sweet. I'd stand out so much because they cut to like all these like cool jumps and they're like three feet or whatever

And then they cut to the guy doing a headstand on a C-Due and it's great because he's he has to remain perfectly rigid and motionless Like he's been like he's been hot glued to remain perfectly rigid and motionless like he's been, like he's been hot glued to the sea. Dude, he's just, just a board bouncing across the waves. Jessica's are so fun when you're on them. And then when you look at them, you're like, that looks really stupid, especially on a TV show, you're like, God, this is the jet ski parts, the most boring part of any like beach show. But this guy made it special.

I got saved. Yeah. So, so we cut away from the war games to our B plot, which is Carol Alt, who's fantastic. I really like Carol art. What a beauty. She's falling in love on a jet ski. They have like a picnic with her ex boyfriend. I think it's the back story. And she's a jet ski professional. Yes, he's a professional jet ski. He looks a bit like Frankenstein. He's a jet ski friend. He's got a real hockey moment because he wasn't an NHL hockey player. Oh, okay, that explains literally everything about him.

He's an excellent face. He can't act. Yeah, it's why he's not handsome, but he's just comfort on the jet ski. He is Carol Alts' actual husband. And that explains their lack of chemistry. Yes, these two do not like each other. And also like his, the other thing is he's super disrespectful. Like, like, I guess she's never talked to him. She's like, oh, this guy's a five and he has a mullet in his own seedoo. But I've never actually talked to him. She's like, oh, this guy's a five, and he has a mullet in his own seedoo.

But I've never actually talked to him. And okay, I have a clip of their date. I really want to play this. I'm not gonna miss you. So you're still in that painting thing? Skull thing. Yeah, I really love it. It's given me an appreciation for things

that I never thought that I would have- Yeah, they really does haves are here, you know. What? Well, I'm just lost to a few times today and I could really use the advice of a writer that knows these waters. Well, I found that if you go up against the Northwestern- You don't know Kelly. I mean, expert advice.

What? If you want to win the race, or- I don't know. You don't tell me how to race and I won't tell you going to do, if you want to win the race or you don't tell me how to race and I won't tell you how to paint? I'll paint. Whatever. Just have an outrageous level of dickishness.

It was such a confusing scene because I thought they were going like they seem to be trying to use tropes right there. They're trying to use tropes right there trying to use Troops all throughout this, but they don't understand them and they don't use them right so this It seems like they're starting The old like he you think he's back because he wants you But really he just needs something from you for his Blake for his race sure so they set it up like he's going Yeah, shut up listen tell me the inside track on how to win on your beach. You're like, oh, I get this. I get what's going on. Then

she starts telling him like immediately. And he's like, hey, shut up. I was talking about what they want. They want to get water plans. But he didn't want. She didn't like ask her if she knew an expert. He was just like, you're not an expert. I don't have a plan. I don't have another step. Shut up. It's such a, it was, it was one of the wildest scenes in this fucking show. Yeah.

How many steps they got away from that scene succeeding on any level. Yeah. And that's it for that B plot. We now cut back to Hulk Hogan. Yeah. And the war game's just supposed to be teams of five. So they're starting like any second,

but Hulk Hogan and Chris Limit don't have three people in their team, or any friends or other mercenaries they can call. So they've decided to recruit three of these bumbling dipshits for their like, command of squad war game thing. Which again, we don't know the stakes of like it doesn't really matter if they lose or win, I guess. So really who cares. But Hulk Hogan's plan is so fucking insane. I took a clip of it.

You're not going to believe this when you hit. What are you talking about? You know, I was just about to ask the same question well we need three more soldiers for the defending team defending team uh... if defending what you know fence went when fit said the three suitages it was a figure of speech well fit said you want to surprise how do you like to see the look on his face when he comes up against civil war soldiers don't think thunder created some type of time warp.

That's just playing. That's the premise. That's not only the plan. That's the premise of the episode. That's the only reason the Confederate army has to be in this story is so that he thinks it's a time which he never does. Nobody's ever. They're confused for like three seconds as in like why are these guys dressed like that? And then never again. It's amazing because they're two steamboat or speedboat idiots with a nine year old girl and they instantly recognize all these people as civil war reenactors. And I have a feeling that the army and Navy intelligence probably know about the popular annual civil war reenactment going on in the same like on the beach for some reason. So yeah, like I just feel like no one's gonna assume that these men and costumes are anything other than that

and not, I just don't think they're gonna jump with inclusion. Hulk Hogan develops time travel. Like, I think I see this, but hold a closer. Like every time I'm confused, I grab the nearest person and I scream, will you sit here through time, like Hulk Hogan? And legally, they have to tell me. That's fucking party call. Have you ever called on?

Many times, absolutely. It's like a child's personal thing. I get it. I got to call the hotel at Tom F.B.I. They're going to totally think I'm the real F.B.I. See, I think partially based on that plan, and also everything else he says in the entire show, that the character Hulk Hogan is playing in this show is also an idiot. Like I think the character is supposed to be stupid.

Because right after this, they start learning the rebel yell, which you shouldn't do. Of course, we know that now, whatever this racism is qu you shouldn't do of course of course we know that now whatever this racism is quaint by the means of what we're facing today but they all start rebel yelling which hulk can't do and doesn't try he just starts wolf howling even though everybody else is clearly not wolf howling and and this is this is during like the this is right at the start of the war game So you're supposed to like stay quiet and what the show does is it cuts from them rebel yelling straight to the enemy team Hearing them and going those goddamn idiots. Let's go kill them No, no, they think those goddamn idiots they spoke to the birds because that those human noises saying whoop whoop whoop whoop

Those are birds It Oh, right, right. It's a great way. It completely gives away their position immediately. Yeah. It's the only thing that achieves is Hulk Hogan wolf howling, which must be a bird. I did take one more clip of this conversation here because I just want everyone to understand the chemistry

Hulk Hogan asked with Chris Lemmon. It's an accounting firm. So here's in a field of art unit with a bunch of CEPAs. street hulko gonna ask with Chris lemon it's an accounting firm so here in a film how to argue with a bunch of cpa's they can keep track of how many army troops we rock up haha this is gonna be a lot of fun you know what sweetie why don't you go ahead and roll some tape here I want proof because I don't think anybody don't believe this

the other will haha I wrote that part down too. Yeah, they will. Yeah, the like Chris Levin parts seem like, you know, like, remember that video game, man, dog, McCree. Oh, yeah, we're like, you would shoot things and then like an old prospector would come out and say things like Chris, Chris Chris Lemons lines seem like that. Like it's like you just did something and then like an FMV video is played and you have to like load it from memory. So it takes a second.

Like he's like a like an NPC and in an RPG just like that is exactly what it is. It's like his lines do not fit anywhere. Isn't it incredible that they somehow teamed him up with an actor with less charisma? Like, he comes out looking like a professional. And this exchange. You have it well. So, like that wasn't in this grid.

I'm sure everyone saw this coming, but they have a wig in a dress, so they can do it like a Bugs Bunny honey pot plan. So. Oh. Really, it is like looting too. They've only seen like, do you think there are other like Roger, like, do you think there are other like Bugs Bunny gags in the in the rest of this series? Because I may need to watch more at the start. It must be.

I'm certain. The way they mix and just grab any trope without understanding it and throw it in there, like half of this is looney tunes. What I love about the drag plan is that the original plan is already in costume. It's already in costume, too, could be. That's the only reason we're doing this plan.

Is there going to think they're gonna time warp. And then you're like, well, before they even see us, it's time for you to put on drag. What, what, I have to be Confederate? I have to be Confederate drag now. They're gonna think we're in a mischandered time warp. It's gonna, like, why are you stacking things already? You can't delineate time if you have a boner.

That's the whole coke in fact, thunder and paradise fact. They call, that's the whole coke in fact. Thundered Paradise Fact. They called, there's a historical precedent for, somebody brings up an 1863 someone named Marcellus Clyde pulled a Bugs Bunny Honeypot. I looked this up, does not seem to be true. But yeah, they have an argument because one guy's like, I know how to do creative war strategy. And then Chris Lemons, like, you fucking idiot,

I am a Navy SEAL. You're an accountant and he's like, no, no to do creative war strategy. And then Chris Lemons, like, you fucking idiot, I am a Navy SEAL. You're an accountant and he's like, no, no, no, no, no. Creative war strategy. Like you have to do like trick plays in whatever this is. Laser tag I guess is all about whimsy and bumbling. And so that's the logic here, I suppose. So his zanytus is going to be more handy than Chris Lemons,

you know, military strategy and tools. There is a quote here when he comes out and drag after they come out and drag it works. The army is not prepared to be assaulted by Confederate, Confederate drag play. And so they get lasered. And his line after the laser him is, is that a musket in your pocket?

Or are you just happy to see me? Yeah. Okay, I have a lot of notes about this. Yeah. You're the one doing the Confederate thing. He's not alarming. So that's back to the act. He doesn't have a musket.

You do. You have the musket. They have Chris Lemmon dress up and address. This had to have been their second choice, right? This had to have been a whole-coated gang. But he's like too insecure and homophobic to allow it. So we get this second rate trash. But it's like, he's not like a big muscle man like Hogan.

So it just kind of looks like a guy in a dress. Like not like a crost dresser. Like I think they made him too pretty to the point where it works, right? Yeah, we're like okay. That just let's let's better look. He's better looking and drag than he is. He's a great life. Hard to create. If it had been Hulk, okay, and it's like, oh, there's some like he's like the dress would be too small on him. So he's. Right. So there's some, like he's like the dress would be too small on him. So he's like, musting out of it. And he's a hilariously gigantic lady beast.

And this is just like a cross dresser, just a just a drag queen. All right, Hulk, we'll do your Confederate army idea, but you have to do the drag seat. No nice brother. No way. All right. I guess we'll give it to Chris lemon. He's like, fuck yeah. And I'm going to do full makeup. I'm going to look like a beautiful Lemon. He's like, fuck yeah, and I'm gonna do full makeup.

I'm gonna look like a beautiful woman. Like the gag's not gonna work. He's gonna look like a beautiful woman. He's like, no, no, no, we just get real sexy with it. Like, all right, I can, so it's just like halfway between like, an actual like sexy scene and an actual comedy scene. Just scratching it possible, gags, I guess.

Like, they all kind of try out like, am I attracted to this woman? Am I disgusted by this woman? Like they don't pull the trigger on any joke. It's just all kind of like, here's like, have no idea what to do with any, they have a bunch of pieces of things and they're just trying to, it's a robot trying to slap it together. It's a, just speedboat jigsaw puzzle, a comedy. So, you know, I actually think Hulk Hogan would have been fine wearing the dress, but then he would have,

he must have realized that then he wouldn't get to wear the Confederate uniform. And he really wanted to. Yeah, that's why we're doing this, bro. They're not gonna let him waste his XXXXL Confederate uniform. He does like, which probably guy about like 50 feet in this. Right. That's the other team.

That's the part I want to talk about. So, Chris Leonard pops out in the dress and he's like, hello boys and he's all sexy and they're like, wait, what the fuck's going on? Then everyone jumps out, laser tags, ambush. Bam, bam, bam. And then the guy walks up and he's like, what the hell is going on? Which is fair because they just got ambushed by a bunch of civilians.

One of them had like a laser tag derringer. So they're like building their own custom laser tag weapons in the... They're the rounds, they think. Yes. They think you load lasers like a bullet. You pull one laser in and then you shoot one laser out. So fair enough, this guy's like, I don't understand who you are,

or how you have our laser tag technology. And then Chris Lemmon hits him with it, is that a musket in your pocket, you happy to see me? He's like, what the fuck does that mean? And then Chris Lemmon punches him in the face. Like, it looks like he might be making a move to do the same, but like this guy has not laid a hand on them. And they punch him out and Hulk Hogan picks up his bike

from the ground and throws a 30 feet. This guy's so fucking confused. Five civilians all in the weird costumes ambushed him beat the shit out of him. He has he has every right to press like criminal charges. A whole closet room halfway across a jungle where there's fucking Confederate soldiers for some reason. And then a live mortar lands. And Hulk Ogan has to explain to the audience the army's using live rounds. But the fuck is going on.

He explains they're using live rounds after the mortar actually explodes. Yes. So it was supposed to be a laser mortar. Right. They have a nine-year-old child with them. And this captain of the army, it's going to just drop live mortars on them. I will say I kind of need it Hulk's exposition there. Like I wasn't really sure what was going on. Maybe I had like dozed off a bit. I just know I wouldn't know. I did like that the other team did the like classic action movie.

Like they missed like 50 times from five feet away. Yeah. Once they have the live, live ammo. Right. Cause we show the hands loading the real ammo just to let the viewers at home know, like yes, there's something is happening. Someone's putting real ammo in these guns to kill Hulk Hogan. But this is another thing. They show us, I think what happened is that was supposed to be fetched the bad guy loading

it. What they show us the soldiers like about to load their guns and then they cut away to just some hands loading it. And then they show the soldiers having just loaded their guns. So what what you've actually shown us is that they know at this point, we have intentionally loaded these live rounds in. But apparently they don't and it's never like you never understand the stakes at any point. They're like, yes, we know we're going to kill them, but then they'll get laser tagging you like I'm out. I guess I can't murder you Two guys that got caught with the live rounds later are like I did not know they were live rounds in hookhogan's like I believe your brother, so they could have just been lying to hookhogan

That's the thing that established I get either through incompetence or intentionally that they know and then they're like I don't know and then they're like, I don't know, and then it looks like, ah, right. That's fine. I feel like you could pay some lip service to the corruption of the military to explain this way and say, oh, they could get away with it because you can just do whatever you want in the army. But without doing that, you're just like, well, once they kill Hulk Hogan people are going to be able to like

Go through this short list of people involved in the the Chain of command of these weapons and say oh here's here's who murdered Hulk Hogan. It's one of these five people It's also crazy in like in episode now the stakes are fucked because they continue abiding by the laser rules So if they get attacked, they're like, oh damn, I'm out. I guess I can't shoot this real gun at you now. Right. So, but we now know the stakes are real. All government is like dodging remorters. And then they still do the fucking looney tunes ambush. Like the fake general, the gentleman, he's like, hey, I'm gonna act real drunk and I'm gonna walk out. And then after they say, hey, who are you drunk guy?

You guys pop out and shoot one of them with a laser musket and then that's like their plan. So I don't know. There's no reason for any of it. They know, they know the stakes of that plan not working are your death. Your death. What are you doing here?

Accountant plus they could just shoot them from the trees because they're just looking right at them. So like that's a normal ambush and all of the theater, all it does is take a sure thing and turn it into like a desperate trick play. So it's it's a storytelling that like if you look at it with any kind of reasoning, it drives you fucking crazy. And and then what you like in it did like kind of reasoning it dries you fucking crazy and and then what you see like in it did Like I was getting very frustrated with the whole show and then they find a big rock and whole code

Just picks it up and moves it for no reason like just I think he's just a natural lifter like a barbarian brother Where if he sees a rock he's gonna just pick it up It's a chance for a sweet a sweet pump. Yep. Yeah, I gotta get his pump Oh, this is where they find the tunnel, it's where they find the tunnel. This is where they find the tunnel, yes. Do you have that clip? No, I didn't take a clip of the tunnel. OK.

They find the tunnel, which remember is George Sibley, Jeff Altman's, like, my daddy or grandfather died in that tunnel. And you know, he's not a coward or whatever. And I've been here every year looking for it and then Hulk just picks up a rocket and moves it and that's the tunnel. And says, George says, that's the tunnel. How did you know?

And Hulk says, I'm supposed to know and then they cut away. Yes, the script calls for it brother and they're like, no, Terry, you can't, you can't, God damn it, Terry. That's literally what he said. I'm supposed to know. End of conversation. It was in the script, John Mass. Did you not read it?

You got my professional. God damn it, Terry. Uh, okay. So in the cave, Jeff Altman like falls into some human remains. Uh, so his bumbling did eventually come in handy and Hulk Hogan looks at this half of prop scale at him with a pirate sword stuck in it and he goes, no, look, your grandfather was not retreating.

He was attacking. And then Jeff Altman's like, he wasn't a coward. I was gonna take a clip of this, but I figured I would just reenact it. He wasn't a coward. He wasn't a coward. He wasn't a coward. It all happened, like basically as fast as that. Like he's like completely covered in human remains.

And they're all, you know, investigators. The whole redemption of his entire story gets like is set up and ended within, I want to say 45 seconds of total screen time. Yes. I was going to say less. Like I think it was like seven seconds. And that's it's very little.

And you're just like, why would I ever possibly give a shit about any of that, especially since he's a Confederate soldier? Yeah, I have a note that's just they fight a lot. It's very hard to see or care about what's going on. It's fair. They just they keep doing that for this whole fight. They keep going back and forth and like, do they know? They don't know.

Wait, they do know. But then they obey laser rules and you're so lost in the stakes. You never have any idea. Are they going to be murdered? Because sometimes when the bad guys will pull the trigger, it isn't a bullet. That's the craziest decision. Sometimes it is a laser. What?

Yeah, after this cave, they cut to the other three in their team and they're having a laser fight. They're like shoulder to shoulder in an open meadow, which seems like the exact thing this would train you not to do, right? Like how could they win doing this? So of course they lose. And this could have been a joke or something, like maybe there's such idiot accountants, they shoot themselves, but no, they just lose because they're bad at laser gun fighting.

And they stand there not dead and they're like, at least they weren't using real ammo this time. So these two fucking verbalize how they know that these were the stakes. And what how did you know you don't know? Yeah, they know nobody knows. Why why did like why? I'm with you. I was so frustrating right?

They saw the script, I think. I saw the script. They know, yeah, everybody here. What did you not read the script? Hulk Hogan specifically told me to read the script this time. But then Chris shit out of Jeff Altman for not knowing where that tunnel was. Chris Lennon plants this flag and then he like posts up and starts shooting guys just from the open and then it turns into a hand to hand fight.

Like they all sort of drop their laser guns and just have a fist fight, which I feel like, yeah, we're long overdue for a fist fight, but this, it feels wrong. Like any one of these guys should have called time out and said, dude, what the fuck are you doing? This is like a friendly laser tag fight. Then here comes the bag and he's going to shoot Hokokon with a real bullet. And then fucking Jeff Altman jumps in front of the real bullet knowing full well is a real bullet. And the guy, he's like, oh, these are real bullets. Fitch gave me that clip. I did not know that was a real gun. Leave him. And, God, what do I have?

What happens next? Now it's time for that gator to come back. The remote control car. Yeah, no, they, they, they, they, they, they,'s a change and they bring they finally pay off. This is the one thing the boat does, which again is we remember through everything we've talked about with the fucking civil war and the time warps and the drag and all of this you're. Which did not work. We both show. No one at any time. I thought there was a time warp. No one at any time.

We had absolutely. That was like the first thing they said about the plan and no one Well, yeah, there was a time warp. No one at any time was there. No, we had to have a lovely. That was like the first thing they said about the plan and no one was confused. It did confuse the first people for 15 seconds and then never again, they immediately accepted. These are some dipshits. And that's why I'm saying like, I think he's supposed to be an idiot in the show

because it does not work. It does not work and everybody's like, you're a fucking idiot. Which is like, I would have been so mad. Like as a kid, the 90s and the 80s were all about, you know, air wolf and night rider and like, here's the vehicle. The vehicle gets to do something.

What does Thunder get to do? He delivers a remote control car to a beach. And that's it. That's it. It's a pretty cool remote control car. It's got a rocket boost jump. It's got a video relay. It launches stun grenades. They're not very good. Like one of them hit

Fitch like right in the fucking face it did nothing. But it like scared him it like you could use it to hurt him. So it the little robot hurt it. And they're incompetence does something amazing here, though because like Fitch Fitch loses a fight to a whole Coke and or he loses the whole gambit and he has to start running because they have

this gator after him. And they do this thing where they cut away like like Brew who's manning the controls, the remote control car is like, where is he? Where did he go? And you're like, oh, okay, he's turning the tables on the little car. And then he just turns a corner and goes, oh, there he is and hits him with another grenade. He just grenades this guy for like three solid minutes

and then they give you a moment to think like, oh, is he gonna turn the tables? Nope, more grenades. It's still fucking good. And then it chases him right into Hulk Hogan's fist. Like punch, that's how like he starts the encounter with Hulk Hogan is just getting right crossed into the ground. And after while fleeing grenades, grenades to shit for like five straight minutes and then into Hulk Hogan's fist.

Right. And now he explains why he's trying to murder Hulk Hogan. He got, he's mad because whole Cogin got picked for the Navy Seals and he did it. Which is, I mean, the, you can apply to be a Navy SEAL if you're in the Army or just a civilian, but it's kind of unusual and not something you would generally murder someone over several years after. Especially if you were already like an Army captain, like you've, you've got an established military career. If you didn't get picked for the Navy SEALs and you're five foot ten in like 160 pounds and the guy that did get picked, that's all right.

Yes, fucking Hulk Hogan. You're like Tom Scarritz-Ezzin. If you're like a military person who is like good enough at it to be like to be able to apply to the Navy SEALs, however, however that works, you would think that you would also be smart enough to be like, well, yeah, they should have taken that guy over me. Like, frankly, he's better. He has a super boat now.

He should be able to do a Navy SEAL. 300 pounds. He's still whole-c like I just a figure you got a figure like well I'll just try again next year when there's not a whole cogan right like it's bad luck that this year had that guy but there's only one of that guy. Hell cogan's also he's not like a great fight choreographer. So he's fighting like I kind of with one hand, like he's a child. So he's like blocking and punching with the same hand

as if he's trying to just like land a shot pal. You're, I don't know. He's literally twice as big. And it's crazy that he uses karate too, right? Like this is the one thing, is he not, is he maybe like legally not allowed to use wrestling moves? Because he does block and like throw a side kick and like he does some, he fights with karate,

like open 80s 90s karate. What are you doing? He did do in his wrestling matches, especially in the 90s. Like he went to Japan for a bit in like the mid 90s, like in 94, maybe even 93. And I think there is when he started doing like sort of like fake karate. Oh, see, I've checked out on 90s.

Oh, like, yeah, like, I don't like that. And like, he's literally motionless. Like a stationary foot is But like he like he he would get a guy in the corner and then be like do like Like you know get like chops and then do some wha Okay, and hit yeah like it and then like move his hands around in what I don't know karate I assume because it's Hulk open., this is not at all what actual Karate is.

It also explains why later when everybody says cheers, it's custody him saying, compie. That was a little weird. So obviously that's, that goes Hulk Ogan's way. He wins that fist fight against the tiny old man. Now they can't do, I guess the real finale, the show, which is the jet ski race between Carol Alt and her asshole ex-boyfriend, who they had one date in that didn't mark out. I guess we forgot to mention that like she also catches him with another woman. that like she also catches him with another woman.

So she was like, Hey, what the fuck? And he's like, well, I don't care about you. I have, I hate you. And she's like, Oh, you're like a real jerk. I like it. Last time I fought for a jet ski Frankenstein. Oh, I'm kidding. No, it's not. So then it cuts to a jet ski race. and I feel like communicating what's happening in a race

must be complicated because I've seen it done badly and this is one of those times. I have no idea what these things are doing. It's just dissing red. That's my notes are the race that Carol Alp wins. I don't even know if that's true. I have no idea what's fucking going on here. Yes. How could you?

It was so confused. I had the same exact notes of like, I don't know what happened, but I had to conclude that she won because this would be fucking hilarious if she did. I can't. If she doesn't win, it just has to be like, you were right to cheat on me.

I'm sorry That's what I have in my notes my exact words my notes are how weird would it be if they asshole one Because you can't help you genuinely can't tell you're like they have everybody put on helmets And there's no like markings that are super noticeable and then they model the camera angles you like and some happen If you look close you can see his mullet poking out the bottom of his helmet and he's kind of like shaking his sad He's really trying to show that he's sad, but he's against He didn't want us head to fall off so it's very subtle I Guess the stakes of this race for that the shitty person kind of feels bad for losing the race not for treating a person badly

But for being a worse jet skier than the person he treated bad I don't know it's just not very satisfying except for all the Brutus Barbe beefcake shots in the crowd. He's so happy to be there. He's just for that he used the body. I think they use the same shot of Brutus Beefcake like four times in the show. It seems like the same expression and just like seen as every single time that they showed.

You can't put somebody in a crowd show and not address it. It's right, it's like funny. It's like he's like big and he's obviously a wrestler. Like he's big and tall and has a stupid haircut. Like he's very obviously Professional wrestler and he's just like there in the crowd in this episode with no Explanation, it looks like a cut scene where like yeah, you have your main character and everything else isn't you know like I wonder I wonder which one of these doesn't belong. He's just in there fucking customized

Breaking breaking the physics of his game. I think I just found the meanest line in my notes. I said that Chris Lehmann, he looks like an AI looked at a picture of Brandon Lee and tried to generate his dad. He wasn't his 40s when like, I guess I think he was. He looks like when this was going on. He looks like Brandon

Lee's dad if you didn't know who Brandon Lee's dad was. Uh, I think it's a good description. I just think it's really mean. Maybe we'll cut it. I have one more whole coding quote from the articles I read. And this one is very strange based on what this episode was. Someone, you know, it was another thing where the interviewer had been like, you know, said something like, hey, Hulkster, everybody thinks this shows a piece of shit, you know.

And he says, it doesn't have to be gone with the wind if you have a good time. That's what it's all about. I would argue that like, Thunder and Paradise, this episode is more like gone with the wind than any other television episode I've ever seen. Then is it good? At least. Yeah. Then it should have been. Like that that's his only like I've heard of a good movie once. Yeah. It was 50 years ago. It was not in the same genre. A good name. A good action movie. I kind of have fun with how frustrating stuff like this is. Like just being who I am and what I do for a living.

But like, as a show, this is objectively so fucking bad. Like from a storytelling perspective, there's like actual errors. Not just inconsistencies, but like, no, that's a fucking gunful of real bullets. Someone needs to tell the editor that that's what they just communicated to us. And like stuff happens for some reason. Things aren't paid off. Like the stakes are never established for fucking anything. Like the finale is a pointless jet ski fight after like a fist fight between like a 300 pound man and like an elderly military officer. I don't know.

Okay, he was like in his 50s. It might fight like. Yeah, elderly's maybe too strong word, but no fucking prayer against Hulk Hogan. If he caught Hulk Hogan having a nap and he was holding a shovel, like he's still not winning that fight. Like eight shovel bonks, Hogan's like,

hey, who's the bonk gonna be the shovel brother? Oh, 25 more of those are gonna fuck you up. The end, did you clip the ending? George, where they cut to George to give his little speech? I did not. Where the writer just gave up on doing a good speech so he just, is nonsense, he goes, what am I saying?

Goodbye. Yeah, with a cup back, the cup back to their headquarters, which is a tropical resort, which is also a crazy decision that these mercenaries, they're superboat, are headquartered out of like a, out of like a hilton, like a fucking sandals is there is their headquarters. And they're all there to repeatedly talk about how brave The Confederate soldiers were and now that he understands His place in history and how his place in reenactments can be changed forever And then he stares right into the little girl's camera and he's like my brave Confederate

Grandfather had a noble plan to ambush the enemy with a network of secret tunnels, and then they just like cut him off That was it. That was the end Also, hey Brave they were their brave plan to ambush the enemy with a network of secret tunnels Huh Now we're by heard of that tactic before and specifically why it's not a brave thing to do? Yeah.

Network of tunnels. I feel like maybe 20 years prior, there was some sort of... Yeah, I feel like one of America's enemies did that. And we kind of got really racist with why you shouldn't do that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I think with this show, I watched every episode of Baywatch. And one thing that's incredible about the show. So the worst, like, bar none, the worst episode of the show

is the one directed by David Hasselhoff. It's the only thing he's ever directed, like not even any other vanity project or something. This is the only thing he's ever directed, like not even any other vanity project or something. This is the only thing he ever directed. I guess he said all he needed to say. It's like by far the worst episode of the show, but the less he's involved with the show, the much worse the show gets.

And so I think this is sort of what the show is like if he's not involved at all You just get like an episode that is complete nonsense and yeah, nothing seems to fit at all in a way that even Baywatch does not Yeah, this is a beautiful disaster, but Brockway did clip the ending theme song which is Brockwood did clip the ending theme song, which is fuck you. Don't play it, don't play it, hold on. Don't play it.

Before you play it, I would like to tell you who it is written by. Please. This is written by the musical masters, Terry Hulkhogan and Jimmy Mouth of the South Heart. Yes, excellent writers of Hulkster and Heaven. All right, we ready? Can play now? Yep, god. I was hoping you'd say yes When the sun comes up, it's been paradise. The earth is a pretty good day of the night. I can sell a couple of things in the air.

Who's been going everywhere? There's a lot of running news. There's an hurricane coming. Thunder is paradise. That's where the earth is. I'm gonna have a game coming! I'm gonna have a game coming! I'm gonna have a game coming! I'm gonna have a game coming! I'm gonna have a game coming! I'm gonna have a game coming! I'm gonna have a game coming!

I'm gonna have a game coming! I'm gonna have a game coming! I'm gonna have a game coming! I'm gonna have a game coming! I'm gonna have a game coming! I'm gonna have a game coming! I'm gonna have a game coming! Oh man, that was the closing theme. Obviously be the intro theme. Just, you're not allowed to write any part of that either of you.

You're the last people in the world who should write a calypso song with a very, very fake Jamaican patois I Will I like to picture that was that was Hulk Hogan singing Talk Frankfurt Podcast, connect. Ja! Die Crafts-Nitratis-Nittuner Schickte in der Hundezung, Dior-Anastunde Kupchon, du Kitsin-Uwab. I'm not a Honda I'm not a Honda Frankfurt

I'm not a Honda I'm not a Honda Frankfurt I'm not a Honda I'm not a Honda Frankfurt I'm not a hounder! I'm not a hounder! I'm not a hounder! Yeah! Yeah!

No, it's not! There's nothing so tragic as when the young die before the old. Here at Hot Dog Space Camp, we know that all too well. A moment of silence, please, for the late hot dog space class, 2021. Three finger-lui, Aaron Crosston. Adrian H just wanted to see the stars. Fuck. We told her that's not how it works, but she was a dreamer. Aiden Moet, Alpha Scientist Java, Unandy. Aiden Muwet, Alpha Scientist Java, Anandie, Armando Nava worked hard, hearted harder, and they say, died the hardest.

Badger, Benjamin Sironon, Bim Tulsa, Brandon Garloff. Brian Sailor was the first to suggest they steal a real rocket, but we're trying not to place blank here. Free and Whitney. Rockway loves the meat-hilly. Still does. Barry Tumac. Ceryl was the one who actually stole the rocket and it's his fault.

Chad. Chance McDermott. Pritz Browell. Curious Gleir just wanted to smell space? Devon the Rogue Supreme, Dean Castello, Donald Finney will never forget your tragic last words. Go throughout the web! Eric Spalding, Fancy Shock, Jellahoe deserves better than to be torn apart by space-apes, but he did bring those apes up there. Greg Cunningham, Hambo, Haraka, Harvey Penguini's parents are suing the school.

We understand their hurt, but exploded by asteroid is a pretty classic act of God. Hot fart, Jabraal Aiden died how he lived on the moon. Jeff Horaski, we've lost every one of our precious John's. John Dean's family asked us to say, may he rest in the peace he hated in life. John Hector McFarlane's family asked us to say, may he rest in war. John McCammon's family asked us to say, made the bastard find no rest. John Minkos family chased us off their property with a thresher. Johnny no fun was, ironically too much fun.

It turns out space is not the ultimate bond cooler. Joseph Surles will never forget your tragic last words, which were just your own name yelled from a saddle tied to a booster rocket. Now, it may not hurt as badly as losing the Johns, but we lost all of our joshes too. Josh Fabian, we hope you finally found Alph. Joshua, Alph Graves, if only the two of you had met in life. Josh S, we hardly knew you. Nobody could even find a picture.

Leading theories say you were an urban legend. Ken Pazdick, K&M, M. Jahi Shepel, Mac Miss Robel, Matt Riley, when you enrolled you told us you wanted to die and make it on a comet. We laughed at the time. Max Baroy, Michael Lair, Michael Wells. Now the school is suing Mickey Lomans family for defamation. We are not a school full of buttholes who teach kids that rockets point down. Mike Stiles, Mojoo.

N-D. Neil Bailey. Neal Schaefer will miss your laughter most of all. It went like this. War war, war war war war war. Like a horny walrus choking on a smaller walrus is wild, it's crazy stuff. Nekeko 104.

Nick Relston. Ozzy Olen. Patrick Herbst, you asked in every class what would happen if you stuck it in the lunar rover. What was the answer, Patrick? Rachel. Rain Parkless. Rihanna. Sarkovsky. Sean Chase is the one who started the deadly rumor that Huffing Space got you high.

Spotty reception. Superknot had a theory that, in zero gravity, a fart could propel you forever. Still going as far as we know? Ted H. Thomas Kabatsov's. Timmy Lehi over-dosed on freeze-dried ice cream. You can only eat four of those in a lifetime, you know. Toasty God. Tom Sikula.

Tommy G. Whalen Russell. Yes, Seryon. Yannis Ionitis. You were our best, our brightest. The live feed showed you burned that way too. Dr. Rockward, all of your instructors said it was impossible to do a kickflip in space. They said you'd never land it without gravity. I guess? I guess?

I guess the jokes on them because you're kickflipin' forever now! Because you're kick-flipin' forever now!