The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - DOGGZZONE 9000 - Episode 198, HAMMER X with Dan McQuade

Episode Date: October 11, 2024

Seanbaby & Merritt K welcome special guest, Dan McQuade to the POW! BANG! Sorry... To the DOGGZZOPOW POWBANG! FLURP! Golf clubs... bullshit infomercial golf clubs. Watch out, there's one right behind yoPOWWWBAANGGG!

Welcome to the Dog Zone 9,000, the official podcast of 1,900 Hot Dog America's last comedy website. Remember websites? We do. If you miss the joke dance, words, and pictures humor format that flourished before corporate America declared endless war on merriment, Mother Earth, and the human soul, become a member at patreon.com slash 1,900 hot dog for articles every weekday by a misfit team of well-compensated gag peddlers who are Earth's final hope in the conflict against the machines. You'll also get bonus podcasts, access to a thriving Discord community with movie nights and other events. And, baby, if you can believe it, somehow even more. I'm Gulf Shoting Magazine's August 2018 runner-up for Chili Dip of the Month, Merritt Kay, sitting in for Robert Rockway, who is currently on a humorous adventure with a magic tuxedo

that gives him all of the powers of Robert Rockway. My co-host is a man whose sword-like shaft cannot be copied. It's TV's Sean Baby. Oh, what a wonderful intro. Thank you for having me on my podcast. podcast. You're an excellent host. I feel great. Our guest today is a $500 value, but you'll get him absolutely free. It's defectors, Dan McQuaid. Hey, thank you for having me. Bam, pal! Bam!

Space shuttle footage. Hell yes. Hot air balloon clipper. We will get into that. I'm sure none of those words mean anything to you. Even if you've read the title, it's going to take some explaining. They won't mean anything later. No. No, not at all. None of this will mean anything to the alien archaeologists to eventually dig it up as the only remnant of human civilization.

But for now, Dan, do you want to plug something? Sure. I can plug Defector Media, the website where I've heard of that. It is a cooperatively owned sports and culture blog, very much like the hot dog website, very much has the feel of the old internet, except you have to pay for it a little bit. But it is like articles. There aren't advertisements really. We like just write about things.

There's no bullshit gambling ads like there are on every other sports website. I'm very proud of the content that we put out the day we're recording it. I wrote about the basketball card I own where it's a Mark Jackson basketball card, a very unremarkable. I know exactly what card this is. 1990 basketball card. Where in the front row are the Menendez brothers. Yep, yep. I knew when you said basketball card, I was about to jump in and joke, like, that Mark Jackson card with the Menendez brothers? Yep, exactly. Because there's, there's actually, the Hollywood reporter had a headline that was like, Saw Monsters. That's like the docudrama

by Ryan Murphy that's out now. Here are a little. 11 Menendez Brothers documentaries to watch. I'm like, that's, that's too many. Sorry. Like one. You could get them all in one basketball card, baby. Yeah. So there is a basketball card where they are in the front row in the background.

It was only discovered like just sort of randomly by like a poet who's a true crime buff. Oh my God. Like a couple years ago. And it's definitely them. So I wrote about how I purchased it. after my wife informed me of this card, I did not, I did not know about it until she told me about it.

So for once, my, like, manic buying habits that I was in at the time were, it was her fault. But that led me to, I was at my parents today because they were, they were watching my son, because he's sick.

And he's fine. He just couldn't go to daycare because he had a fever. And, and I went and I grabbed a box called Best Cards. And I looked, it made me like, look through it and I don't none of these cards are are worth anything but then I look through uh like another bin that I didn't take home and I definitely have like like so many of that set the NBA hoops

1990 91 set so I definitely have because that card is so common I definitely have more copies of this uh of this Mark Jackson Menendez Brothers basketball card if you read the story I'll spoil the ending I So I bought it. It's like, you know, there's a thing with cards where you like they're, you send them to a company and they like grade it and like slab it in loose sight or whatever. And that's how like all high value cards. And I'm sure you guys know like comics and and plenty of every item that was produced in the 90s. Yeah.

Yeah. And like most of them are worthless. Yeah. Still. Even even slab. You telling me my childhood was worthless? I opened up best cards. I have.

I actually have like, there's like five Shaq rookie cards in there, but like some of them are from specially marked cases of Drake's devil dogs. So I'm not sure if that makes them more or less valuable. There is a signed, devil dog grease. There is a, a Rob Leefield art card. Fuck. Oh, wow. And a signed Mr. T card.

I met Mr. T at the mall once. Damn, wow. Signing his, his copy of his new comic, Mr. T and the T force. I have several copies, yeah. And he also signed, I bought at the comic shop that was hosting it, I bought a copy of A Team Number One comic for like 50 cents, and he also signed that. So I have two Mr. T autographs.

Fantastic. Yeah, I don't think Mr. T. I remember his Mr. T, he said, we go to Harlem in my comic. You know, you can't send Superman to Harlem. They'll steal his cape. You can't send Batman to Harlem. They'll steal his car.

And me, I can go to Harlem. I remember these talking points. Yeah, it was like, you know, one of those, like, this is an uplifting comic. It's like, no, no, Mr. T, we just want a regular comic from you. Early in that comic, he rescues a crack baby. Yeah, and they're like, hey, Mr. T, what's that? And he explains it. He's like, it's a crack baby, fool.

That's stuck in my memory all these years. It is from the very, like, cartoon All-Stars to the rescue era of, like, children's media. But I think it had like Neil Adams covers. Like a lot of talent went into the comic. It's real good. So like when NFTs blew up a few years ago, I don't know. I was kind of surprised that so many people who were around for the 90s were like, yeah, these are going to be, these are it. Because it just felt so much like the trading card and like collectible comic and Beanie Baby craze.

Like the cards, there were cards like everywhere. Like McDonald's would just give you cards if you bought food. you would just stumble on them and then trading card games popped off and then the comics thing too like that it was I don't know if you weren't there it was a very strange time when they killed Superman and that was supposed to be like a big deal

I tried to sell my comics for probably like 20 years like I just had this is a massive comic collection and I was like I have all these in trade paperbacks or digital I don't need these and I just couldn't get rid of them until the Walking Dead TV show came out And then every single Walking Dead comic was like $1,500. And I was like, okay, I'll just sell my Walking Dead comics and just give away the rest. And then it felt like I kind of sold my comic collection for what it was like, you know,

theoretically worth. That's how it justified. Any item where you can like drive down a street and there's written on like a handwritten sign or like in the Simpsons font on the sign on a pole, like I buy comics. I buy trains. I buy houses. Baseball cards. Houses are the only ones in there that are worth money.

but everything else in there, it's like, oh, this guy just doesn't actually buy, like, he just pays you a dollar for a big thing of. He does your favorite, gets him out of your Facebook. Yeah, it's like trying to sell a piano. Right, right. Yeah. Yeah, we've all had that experience. Trying to sell piano. Anyway, the spoiler is that I did buy on eBay this card for like $16.

It is a slabbed card graded eight, eight and a half, which. is not that great, but it's fine out of 10. And I bought $16. It's now worth estimated 24. So who-hoo. That is a huge increase on your investment. There's been some stories. Even after the show?

Well, no. So there's been some stories like soaring in value. And they're not really storing in value. But there are so many sales of them. Like 120 of these cards sold just on eBay yesterday. I checked like mid-August, like 20 would sell in the day. So they actually are selling a lot right now. So if these trends continue, and within three weeks, you know, you'll be a millionaire.

There's no end to Menendez Brothers. Right. We don't usually give this many stock tips on the show. But yeah, go invest in Mark Jackson, Menendez basketball cards. I saw one listing that just said Menendez Brothers rookie card. I guess that's true. I'd pay an extra dollar for that. Yeah.

Well. Add a one to that bid to that buy it now. Well, speaking of bargains. Oh, hold on. Let me talk about the article I posted today. I don't know if you saw this yet, Dan. I found about 70 golden age comic stories about puppets and took, I think, 25 of them and made a quiz. So I'd show you the beginning of the comic and then you had to guess the ending.

And the ending is almost always that puppet is the ventriloquist and da-da-da-d-d-d-d-d-d-d- But then I found about 15 that went in a really different direction. It was probably the craziest article I ever wrote. It ended up being 40 pages long. Oh, I cannot wait for me. Yeah, you really got to prepare your soul for it. The consensus was fine article, but like this is what happens when Brockway leaves. Like, there's just nothing to. Yeah.

There's no voice of reason? There's no adult in the room. Yeah, exactly. Yes, that's the kind of thing I do. I knew going in, like, this is a really unappealing article. No one likes these fucking old comic articles. What if I made it 50 times longer in about the worst thing in the world? Sometimes I read a Sean article and my manic brain.

Like, we bought, my wife and I did one of Carly's troubling puzzles. We bought, like, Still Life 43 and did that. God, I hate that fucking painting. It's in the Kansas City Museum of Art. What's that pointillism painting from Ferris Bueller? Like waterfront at the whatever, whatever. That's like the pointillism is when you get to that chapter in your art history book, that's the painting they show.

And when you get to the chapter on mixed media, they show Still Life 43, which is just this fucking garbage pile of trash that we all decided was worth looking at in 1960. So I hate it. I legitimately hate that puzzle because it's based on a thing. It is based on... It's not a bit. It is based on quite a painting. And then, like, when you wrote your GamePro letters thing, I download a bunch of GamePro.

I was like, I got to read more letters because this is just some of them. Yeah, those are... I feel like those are a little cherry-picked. I wrote the article on GamePro and how, like, everyone who writes into that magazine is a psychopath. I would say only about 15% of them are full psychopaths. But they would write into GamePro and be like, hey, what's the girl's name in Billy Madison? What's her address? They'd be like, cool, we'll print your letter and tell you her address.

You're like, what the fuck am I looking at? What's going on? I feel like the other 85% of people writing into GamePro were like 12-year-olds getting made fun of by the editors at GamePro. Yeah. There's a lot of that in those old magazines. We're not really talking about that. That used to be a big part of your job if you're a games journalist.

It's just like mocking children. It's true. They don't let you do that no more, which I think is a shame. I think that could save games journalism. If anyone wants to start a site, that's mostly based on that. I think you could do well. I did that. At EGM, they let me do that for one letter.

They're like, hey, can you do the letter section this month? And I'm like, oh, hell yeah. I sent in the very first one. They're like, yeah, maybe we'll have somebody else to do this. I can't remember. I know close to what I said. I said that I knew I wasn't making fun of a kid because this child was obviously born long before we knew the dangers of drinking during pregnancy.

And everyone's like, Jesus Christ, you can't. What? And I was like, no, see, I'm not making fun of a kid. I just proved that scientifically. Like, we can't print this in the fucking magazine. Cowards. That's a little insight into me in how my feedback works. Well, if that all sounds good to you, go to, again,

go to Patreon.com slash 1,900 hot dog and read about puppet crimes and no reader mail. I don't do reader mail anymore. Sean, what are we talking about? Oh, yeah, what are we talking about? Oh, you know, I got a little clip of the opening. Let's just hit it. For 20 years, Jack Hamm has been recognized as the world champion in golf with the longest drive ever. 473 yards unheard of.

A quarter of a mile with 11 seconds of hang time. It's hammer time. Golf Digest has clocked his clubhead speed at 162 miles per hour. He has six world records. And Jack Hamm is the father of the big head driver, creating the first oversized. driver the original hammer right now wouldn't like to add 50 hours to the t-shot i love it wow okay that's what we're talking about today uh merit this was your pitch it was a good pitch just it was a what 30 minutes 30 minute infomercial for the hammer x golf driver yes so uh this is an infomercial

that uh was one of several that was created by jack ham who uh claims to be a you know golf record holder and created a number of different golf clubs that he sold direct to consumer through the classic kind of old school commercial. So I think this started in the 90s and then I think he kept going until like the mid 2000s. You said claims to have the world record. I actually just said that seems reasonable. I didn't even look it up. Did anyone look up if he does have it? I looked it up.

Okay. He does have the world record at 458 yards. for the longest golf carry at altitude above 1,000 meters. So, okay. Right, which like if you're golfing, so I think the way the science works is if you're at a higher altitude, things go further. Yes. Sure. So he basically, in order to get those records, just sort of like golfed on the side of a mountain or something.

And then they added the asterisk later. They're like, dude, these numbers are good, but we know what you did. that's not really in the spirit. No one has beaten him at this seemingly. He seems to have been like a best case scenario. Like it's kind of hard to find stuff about this guy. But basically he seems to have had a very good drive. But he never like went pro in golf because he just sucks shit at like all of the rest of golf.

Because golf, it turns out isn't just how hard you can hit the ball very far. There's like other aspects of it too. I mean, I've seen happy Gilmore. I know. Yeah, I played we sports golf. This guy is a, yeah, of course. This guy is like a really unlikable happy Gilmore. Yeah, yeah.

He's very much an Adam Sandler character. So that is exactly what happened. He, according to this Associated Press story from 1997, he played around and shot two over par 74 with 43 puts. Which is, if you don't, if he's never played golf, that's a lot. He played 18 holes. That's like me playing mini golf And like doing two over par With 43 putts

That's crazy Yeah I love it I like that he's a specialist I mean in that comment about par too It reminds me of These golf puns from punsteria.com

God damn it Yeah yeah I mean look no one picked up the torch That Brackley put down So I'm doing it This started for some reason as I think it started as a way to get people to go to 1-900 hot dog because this is sort of what the internet is becoming.

It was sort of like the stick to the carrot of the site. And it just kind of became a pointless exercise in misery like so much of our lives. Why don't golfers ever get married? Because they already have lots of strokes. Wow. What? I think that speaking of strokes, uh,

computer, I think something went wrong with your brain. Yeah. Like, is that a masturbation joke? Is that a stroke? Like what? I think that your wife gives you a stroke. Yeah.

Yeah, that's, yeah, sure. Probably intentionally. Okay. Well, if you like that one, yeah, if you like that one, you might like this one. What do you call a golfer who just can't find his ball? A stroke survivor.

So these are mostly just stroke jokes. What? Yeah. But like not jokes. That's not a joke. I mean, it's not. Look, the computer doesn't understand. Wow.

This is just sad. Yeah, these are just, here, this one's better. Why don't golfers wear glass slippers? Because they prefer to tear off in their spikes. Hmm. I strongly disagree with dead silence. Yeah. All of that.

It's just, at least the stroke survivor is. Like a Cinderella? Unexpected. Is it? I mean, maybe it somehow got Cinderella mixed up in its brain? Like I can picture a bully and you're like, say you're a stroke survivor and you're like, I, you know, I'm making it my way through life. I came back for some real hardship. And then he's, he like does something and they're like, what do you call that?

And like this dick says stroke survivor. Like he can't get over it. Like to me, that's a, that's madness in a way that like, I don't know. It goes so far past like acceptable human behavior. It's kind of funny in a trolley way. Right. I'm not saying it's good. I'm not saying the robot should have said it.

You said the word funny. So I'm taking that as an endorsement. Yeah, I endorse the I endorse this joke robot. I'll do one more. Yeah, please. Yeah, we'll just do one more because this is agony. I was invited to play golf with the bees, but I turned down the invitation. I don't want to be caught in the rough.

Whoa. The bees? Okay, if it was dogs, rough, like that could be, that's almost a joke. Almost. Yeah, it's still not. It's not. That still wouldn't be a joke. I would still cross that out.

Why did the bees invite him to play? Call me crazy. I don't think bees play golf. I don't think you're allowed to go, wow, when you hit a drive. Yeah. Yeah, there's no rules. Like, we're all breaking a lot of rules here. There's no rule that's a bee can't play golf.

there's no rule that says a golf club has to have CCs either. That's true. So that is a big thing about this golf club is you've all seen a golf club. What this thing is, it's like an upside down version of it, but also not really. And then instead of being like a full shape, like they took out all of the stuff behind the head of the golf club. And then so there's two big holes and then there's just a big round thing behind where you would hit the ball. And they talk about that like this fucking genius thing. It's like all the same mass, but not the same.

Volume. You see, CC's is how you measure volume. And they explain this 50 different ways about how you put water in something and that's how you measure volume. It is very frustrated. It looks like a wireframe of a, like if a golf club was like a polygon in a video game, it looks like a wire frame, kind of like they just took all the inside out. But then there is just this orb in the middle, which is the power core, obviously. It's very important. So the format of this commercial, like obviously infomercial is very repetitive because they've bought like a half hour block and they want to make sure. that if people come in halfway through their state, they're getting the full story. So it does repeat itself a lot. But basically, we have Jack Hamm, who is introduced as a Gulf maniac, who screams as he smashes the ball and, like, images of, like, rockets blasting off in the background.

Okay. So I have a friend who works at NASA, and I talk to him because I was, like, dead certain that, like, the clips were going to be of, like, the space shuttle disasters by accident. Oh, my God. it's not Columbia because Columbia looks different than the other shuttles. But you can't really tell what the other shuttles look like because they all look the same.

But I decided that it almost certainly is the Challenger launch because that's probably the only other space shuttle that they would know the name of and would this. Right. Oh my God. So that's my guess. Jesus Christ. The clips of the space shuttles that are interspersed with his drive. It is in my head, canon. until proven otherwise that it's absolutely the challenger that they're showing.

Also, this is when I realized that like he's definitely been kicked out of a planet fitness before. For screaming, yeah. And the audio that Sean played earlier, that wasn't like poorly recorded. That's how it sounds like in the commercial. Yeah, it's. Like the audio of him talking just normally is sounds okay. But however they recorded the voiceover guy, it sounds like the same way that they recorded Eric Roberts for a talking cat where he's just like trapped inside of an oil drum or something.

Like it's so blown out. There's so much like we all know that reference. You guys know that reference. Of course. Yes. But it's like there one take. Listeners, if you don't know, every time Eric Roberts records a cartoon cat, he does so from inside the oil drum. Oh, no.

Hey. Hold on now. That isn't, it's not a cartoon cat. It's a live action cat that they animate with Microsoft paint like a little black mouth. mouth when he talks. Like a little clutch cargo mouth. Yes. Fantastic.

Not even, it's just more like a black void. I love the screaming so much because it's so, it doesn't lend itself well to golf. Like, like, you go boom! And then you got to watch the damn ball fly for 10 seconds before you even know whether you're supposed to celebrate. Like you got to wait for it to land. So like, we've all seen golf. When you hit a big drive, you're like, ooh.

And then it lands and you're like, well, nice shot. That's a pretty good shot. And so the idea of screys. screaming and then the awkward silence after the scream. I'd say you'd have to scream the whole time it's in the air or just don't scream. It is odd, yeah. It's like that is sort of, it kind of belies the entire grift here, which is that his whole thing is just about distance. It's like this very childlike understanding of what golf is.

And science. And science. I don't think we see a golf ball land in this entire intro. No, exactly. We don't. And like, that's the thing. It's like. accurate like they make some comments about accuracy and stuff later on but like it's just like

you know what golf is it's about hitting it as far as you can like it's this very like macho take on golf which i would say is we're the less macho sports uh out there i agree i did spot the misogyny uh i took some clips of the ladies given their testimonials and uh we play this i don't want to get ahead of ourselves but yeah it's it's weird i guess one thing that that struck me at the beginning here is that he's screaming so much. It's pretty funny. But it's also that the thing about golf is, if you've never heard of the sport, it's the same fucking thing every single time.

So guys teeing off, and they keep showing all these clips of him teeing off, but it's just the same clip from different angles. So it's just the same thing repeated 50 times while the guy is screaming slight variations of, yeah. And so it becomes like this manic energy where we're watching a man go mad. It really works on me. And all of the other, like, 90s explosions and space shuttles and stuff. It's all just so funny.

I named this one clip, too, because I didn't really know how to describe it or differentiate that between each other. And now he has taken golf technology to a new level again. This single club could totally change the way you play golf. Introducing the Hammer X driver, the next revolution in driver technology. I can love it. Okay, the bam and stuff are, that's like one thing, but the one bit where he's like, ah, like, it sounds like he's like turning it to with Super Stan or something.

Yeah, he took my note. He's like, I got to scream the whole time this in the air. Yeah. I like how the announcer really is one take because, like, he doesn't keep it consistent. His voice changes throughout. Yeah. They did not pay this guy very much. You know, I have a clip of that.

I called it Crazy Voice. Let me play here. Oh, great. If the other leading clubman, you have. manufacturers have this technology, they would charge you $1,000 a driver, but they don't. The hammer X is in easy 30 yards longer. All other drivers are now obsolete. Oh!

Where do the hell did that? I don't know. These other drivers, they're so great to hang the ball. What are we, what are you doing? Almost like walking-esque, there, there's just a lot happening. I searched around on Reddit Amazon. I didn't get deep into the community or anything, but people seem to really hate this club. Obviously, the commercial is kind of a meme, so they're making fun of the commercial a lot.

Like a Guy Fietti restaurant is what these reviews feel like. But people are legitimately, they're like, yeah, the commercial sucks and stupid. But also the club is terrible. It's also not apparently legal in tournament play, so you won't ever see a pro golfer use this. They've tested it. They're like, maybe this works, and it doesn't. like under controlled conditions with peer review and that kind of thing, it doesn't work better than a regular golf club.

I guess if you're watching this and thinking, oh, golf has been wrong about aerodynamics all these hundreds of years. No, they haven't. Yeah, they've got to figure it out, basically. All of science did not get outsmarted by the yeah, yeah, guy. The funny thing is, like, really early on, like, we can get it. We should get into like his conversation with Jolie Demis. Jolly Demis, I don't know, and everything else, but.

He's labeled as a golf pro, but he appears to be a comedian from what I search online. Yeah, I don't exactly trust the Kairons. He's a comedian named Jolly. Fuck him. That's insane. If he was a golf guy, I could forgive it. But he is a comedian. Oh, my God.

My name's Jolly Giggles. And I hope you're ready to laugh. They introduced the Hammer X, which again is a hollow, fish golf club with this idea of like, oh, their golf clubs are now obsolete. I pulled the explanation. Let me see if this helps some things up. The hammer X streamlined shape, no CCs, no body, no bulk, built for faster acceleration. And the power cord directly behind the ball gives every golfer a dead solid hitting zone.

And the hammer X comes with the X shaft, flat like a sword, cutting through the air like a knife. They say that like 40 times, and every single time, I'm like, why doesn't it cut it? through the air like a sword. Right. And now, the X-Shft. Just if you want me to play that, let me know. Right. I mean, the X-Shaf is a child's idea of how anything works. And really illegal. That's another thing I checked out. Like, can you just have a fucking sword blade on your golf club? Like, no, it has to flex the same in every direction. So this would obviously not. And so, right. So I found an Associated Press story from 1997 about a previous club of his called the air hammer. He says

at one point in the infomercial, I invented the air hammer. I also invented the hammer. And I'm really excited about the hammer X. So he has a naming standard in mind. Yeah. At least. But so that one

was $250. It has six nail size holes in the club face and an exhaust hole in the back. The holes, however, an exhaust hole. Have presented the club, have prevented the clubs from being certified by the United States Golf Association, barring them from official events. And then the article says, Ham doesn't mind. The average golfer doesn't care if his club is

legal. Is his standard response? Sure. Yeah. I think that really puts you in a club. Like, you're in a lower class. You know what I mean? He's right. A lot of people don't care. But a lot of people very much do. A lot of people like, I'm playing like a pro. I'm a good golfer. I would feel like a dirt bag if I was using illegal club. I would understand there's no honor. in such a thing. Jackham. Like if you were playing like a pickup basketball game and somebody had like shoes that like had springs in them like you would be like no.

I'm sorry. I'm not playing against you. Yeah. It's not fair. That's against the rules. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah.

And I just realized though like, okay, so the air hammer, he literally invented a golf club with speed holes in it. Yeah. Like from the Simpsons, it's the idea is the air is the air is, It's supposed to reduce drag because air goes through the holes. But the funny thing is, too, like, the original hammer is an oversized club. And so he has gone, I guess, like, he doesn't talk about it in this. Obviously, we can't, but he implies that all huge clubs are useless garbage.

And he did one. And then I guess he went back to the lab and was like, no, no, no, I made a mistake. I got to go in the opposite direction. Zero Cs. That's what I need. He has that main character syndrome where he thinks everyone's wrong. He just doesn't know which direction they're wrong. He's like, oh, everyone's so stupid.

Their clubs are too small. You know what the problem is. Their clubs are too much weight. You got to need holes. No, not weight. Volume. Because volume and mass are different things as we learn in math class, E equals MC squared.

Okay, I do have some more clips. Yes, I have the E equals MC squared clip. Let me play that. It's brilliant. And if you remember from math class, E equals MC squared, if you can increase the mass behind the ball, you're going to get more velocity, more clubhead speed, more distance. And I mean, this driver with this hammer power core absolutely is the most dead on hit you're ever going to hit. Pah!

E equals M. I asked it. C squared. E equals M. You got that, if you get that M higher, what that does is. that increases, if I'm understanding correctly, the yield on your nuclear detonation? Isn't that the formula? Yeah, it's Oppenheimer. This is mass. If you split the mass, like you tear it apart atomically, it's my understanding. I don't know. I don't think it has, I don't think that's a

golf equation. I think so the idea is like mass times velocity equals energy, right? And so, but his thing is, and he brings in this scientist guy who is so clearly not, like, no one has ever been less of like a real science guy. No one has ever known less or a science than this guy. So I took a screenshot of this. I'm going to read some of the things that are behind him on the, on the black work. Well, I'm just going to read like one thing on the, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, equals MA, you know, like.

That's a much better equation for what we're looking like. That's what I was talking about. I dropped out of high school science, so I don't actually know anything. And then it's like it's factored out in another part. There is another E equals MC squared. But at the very top, it says camp meeting. So this was taken. And at first, I didn't think I was going to be able to find out who Dr. Kearns was.

But I did because I found another article where he is a metallurgist, Mike Kearns. Who Okay Who's LinkedIn says he's a physical therapist At Leicester University in Littleton, Colorado So

Is he both of those things? I don't know if he's any of these I don't know if I guess A physical therapist Would kind of make you a biomechanical expert In a sense Right Which sounds like you invent cyborgs

But he's in, you know He's in like a doctor costume He's in like a science A lab coat The costume. Yeah, he comes back a few times. Jack, he's getting his knee rehab. He's like, hey, hey, put on this little doctor costume and tell everyone about seventh grade science.

Yeah, there's like a bunch of factoring on this. It's like he's teaching like a like mid-level algebra course, I think. I love it. But he shows up a few times and he shows up to be like, oh, you know, mass is not the same thing as volume. Volume is just water. That's just space. You could put anything in there. Mass is what we really want.

And it's like, okay. On earth, mass is kind of like, there is a relationship between mass or belief. It's true, yes. It's like they don't quite go far enough to explain why they're explaining seventh grade science to us. I do have a clip called inventor. I'm not sure what this is. As you know, Jolly, I invented the air hammer and I also invented the hammer.

So, I mean, I am really, really excited about the hammer X. This thing is going to be really something for the average golfer. Jack, what makes it so different? Well, I mean, first thing, if you look at it, John, I mean, just look at it. I mean, it's radical. What's crazy to me? Come on, fuck. It's radical.

Check it out, Dick. Oh, it's crazy to me about the way that Jack Hamm talks is he talks like a UFC fighter who's been doing it for like maybe like a two or three years. So he has like some brain damage, not a lot. But like. Not a lot. Not as much as, you know. But nothing to say.

No wisdom. Right. Also a fading intellect. Yeah, like he's stumbling over words. Yeah. I took another clip of the interview here. Jack, all this, what do you have to bring us today? Well, I'm real excited to be here today, Jolly,

and we've got an incredible golf club that is going to really, I think it's a new evolution of golf. And, I mean, I've been banned from most driving ranges over the last 25 years, and this isn't going to get me back on the course because this Hammer X is just an incredible driver. What is he talking? I checked some of the reasons you gave him to the driving course. And the first one is usually be quiet and respectful of others.

So maybe this is just how he golfed all. Just bam! Like every street. It's, it could be illegal gambling. It's just a real weird thing not to explain. Because I don't think that you kick people off the driving range for driving the ball too hard. They don't like tap you on the show. Like, dude, you hit that shit way too far.

You get out of here. Plus, if he's like the world record holder for a thing, I don't think a business built around that thing is like, no, go away. We don't want you here, world champion of this. I think he's just an asshole or a liar. Those are my theories. Equally plausible. Also, if you have a computer right now, just search Jack Hamm golfer real quick just to get a visual on this guy. Because he's probably not coming.

You need this sort of just at least a still image to really get the full. sense. He looks like, I don't know, he's like a bleached blonde adult nest from earthbound, if that makes any sense. Like, that's a really good way to describe him. Yeah. Just the striped shirt and like this weird hat visor thing. It's, uh, yeah, like his hair. He's like a dentist the menace. Yeah. He looks like a wig. Yes. Because of his visor. Right. It looks like it's attached to the visor for sure, for sure. Yeah. I have my notes that they talk about how the club does not hold water. Like the explanations get, they're so dumbed down that they stop, they stop making sense. And then they get into a persimmon wood thing.

And this apparently is a very old golfer thing, like golf clubs used to be made out of persimmon wood. And you get that impact sound. Not a stupid ping like a dumb metal fucking golf club, like a cowbell. And I think I counted seven times they bring up the cowbell. What they hate is that the sound of that dong when it hits the ball. you don't want to dong sound with your shaft is basically the point. But they don't make clear is whether that factored into all this science.

Right. When they're like, dude, we designed the perfect golf club. We had to sacrifice a little distance to get rid of the cowbell. But I feel like, you know, ha ha ha. I guess that's the part where I made a note of it because everything they're doing seems like so like delicate. Like we took just like a half a gram of fucking volume out of this to like, which again, I understand those are different measurements. But to me, the science sounded like they're saying,

hey, a car will go faster if you open the sunroar. And I'm just like, I don't think that's, I don't think that's true. Yeah. It's a, well, because, okay, so the whole thing, the whole thing they come back to over and over again is the zero Cs, right? First of all, it's absolutely not zero C. Like, it has volume. It's just like not as much.

Right. It's slightly, there's holes in it. Yeah. But when you look at it, it's like, it's not even hollowed. out that much. It's like there are two big gaps, but it's like there's the power core. So basically he's like, I just took out the parts on the sides of the golf club so that it's all in the middle. It's all the mass is in the center. And it's like unless that, you know, unless that power core is made of like uranium or something like it's just less mass. Like I don't know what you're

talking about, man. They do a lot of testimonials and the testimonials are really, really canned. Like these aren't people trying it out for the first time and giving an honest reaction. They're just like shouting catchphrases at the camera. But one guy says, hey, I'm just an average golfer. But like, people have been copying Jeff Ham's heads, but not the shaft. They can't copy his shaft. They can't figure it out. And it's just a sword on a golf club.

He glued a golf club head to a katana. Yeah. Pretty simple. And also I looked up shafts, like I said, and I think you choose them based on the flexibility. and so this would just be like zero flexibility. Like it's just maybe bending is important. It seems important because it's the only like trait of this thing. They're like, what if what if we took that trait away and the volume?

See, you get it now. You're a scientist. It's the world's fastest shaft too, which. It is the fastest shaft. That's not nothing. You don't want that as your nickname. And then he starts talking about how it has its own tracking system, like as if it has, has like a, you know, a jet fighter's, like, radar on board when basically he means it's a line,

like a sword. And so it hits the ball. Good. Because everyone knows you swing, when you swing a sword, it hits the same spot every single time. Right. That's how swords work. Yeah. We've all swung a sword. I wrote down one guy's catchphrase because one lady says, that was straight and far. And I thought, okay, that's pretty good. But the next guy goes, that's a lot longer than my tailor made. Which is what the fuck does that mean, buddy? Like your drive was. longer than pants? It's kind of golf club. Yeah,

Taylor made is a brand. Oh. Yeah, he's because he's trying to, he's trying to, he's crazy. I've been hating that guy for two days. Well,

because he's like trying to sell himself as like being up against like the big companies, right? Like Taylor and all those guys. But I think my favorite testimonial is the guy who, because it's mostly the kinds of people you'd expect for like golf infomercials, right? It's like middle-aged white men.

There's like a few women who are like, yeah, I don't like golfing. The women's comments are strange. They are very odd. Let me play. I have one here. I'll play it.

Thank you. For women, golfing is so much fun for me now because I love this club and it gives me so much more confidence. Really? That's like a, that's like someone is holding the phone up to your mouth while you're tied up in a basement. Like what? That's the least natural conversation I've ever heard. It's so good. It definitely told.

told her say something about how like oh now I can drive as far as a guy and it makes me easier to golf against my guy friends and she didn't want to say something that sounded that like weirdly sexist so instead she just said nonsense like four women golf is now good because himracks I get it workplay can be hard luckily we can automate some of it for instance here are some golf puns from the AI pun website Pons Terry. You motherfucker. Why do golfers carry an extra tea?

In case they need a spare. What? That's bowling. That's bowling. That's bowling. When I look up spare and golf, it was trying to sell me spare tires for my golf caddy. I need to know. You have to tell me, was you playing this all along or is this just because I did it?

I will never tell you. That is the mystery. The mystery you have to live with. Like, I lived with that guy's tailor-made fucking bullshit for two days. Son of a bitch. What do you call a golfer who takes a long time to hit their shot? A paralized. Fuck.

Or you could call him a stroke survivor, maybe. I really just depends. Wow, just a lot of, like, something's wrong with that guy. Some mean cheap shots and survivors of, like, traumatic brain injuries here. Yeah. It's a rough episode. Bam! What's the best way to get a refund on your?

golf clubs. Sell them used. I don't know what it fucking means. You know, I can skip them because... Okay, we'll do one more. What do you call a golfer who throws their club after a bad shot? A club-footed comedian. What the fuck?

It's a fucking nightmare. That's... Oh, my God. And then I also have the stroke ones that you mentioned earlier. Yes, I had planned it the whole time. here are some puns about ham from punsteria.com in the honor of Jack Ham.

We have to stop. Yes. No. Why did the pig go to the casino? To play Hamble. You need the word play there. Whoa. To play Jack Campbell.

Wait, I should say his whole name. To gamble. Why did the Jack Ham go to the dog puns? Because it was feeling a little Jack Hamstrung. What do you call a Jack Ham that goes to law school? An attorney, Jack Ham. I don't get that one. One more.

Wow. Did you hear about the pig who opened a diner? It's the Jack Hamburger's worst nightmare. That's a fucking solid joke. What? That's a bumper sticker. What? It's a Jack hamburger's worst nightmare.

You heard it. I, man, I got to think about some stuff. I love it. But why did Jack Ham blush? Because it saw the salad dressing. All right. Okay. Well, that's almost something.

Yeah, that's sort of. I feel like he would probably. I don't really want to know anything about this man's inner life or sex life. It makes it sound like he wants to fuck salads, which I think it's funny. Yeah, and plausible too. All right. He's a salad fucker. On the record now.

Yeah, we're getting sued by Jack Ham for sure. There's one guy, one testimonial, like I was saying. So it's mostly like middle-aged white guys, a few women. And I think there's maybe just the one black guy. And like he just kind of like shows up. All the rest of the people are like wearing like, you know, polo shirts or golf whatever clothes. And he's kind of, I think he's just wearing like a T-shirt.

And maybe sunglasses, I haven't seen this commercial in like a week. But he just turns around and says, that's money. That's so money. Yeah. And it's like, yeah, it is. Yeah. That's not even black coated. That's Vince Vaughn coated.

Right. Yeah. Very strange. It was clear that they were like, we need. We need to get like the, you know, the urban vote for the Hammer X. Everybody can use it. Regulars, non-whites. And again, we never see these drives.

Right. You'll see them swinging. Yeah. Yep. Like, just tilt the camera. Fake it. That's fine. And they're not performers.

So they like take a swing. They might not even be hitting golf balls. They take a swing and then just immediately like, wow, that went very far. I did a success. One guy says that golf courses are getting tighter every day. It's just like, you got to get that ball. straight. They're getting tight. Like, like, what is, is that a thing like, woken youth or changing the size of grass or something? Like, what is he talking about?

Oh, shit, in my day, you can just fucking slice it wherever you want it. Not today. It's bizarre. God damn wife. God, God damn it. I love the canned lines rather than genuine reaction. Like, how hard would it be just give this to 30 people and take the best five people going, oh yeah, that's right. It's really nice. No, like, wow, I hit the ball. It was a great hit. It is the driver for you. Boy, oh boy, I want this. I'll take it home. I'd be perfect for that commercial, I think. Yeah, I think you sold it right there.

They do a thing you see in all these commercials where it's like, this is a $500 value, yours for $99. But they open with that. And you can't do that. That's not, there's no misdirect. You're the one who sets the price on this. You dumb fuck. Like when I was a kid in infirmation, be like, you know,

here you get the sponge, you get the sponge cleaner. You get the custom soaking bucket, $70 value. And then you're like, okay, that sounds, that's a $70 value. And then they're like, now it's yours for $20. You're like, okay. I normally wouldn't buy all that, but you do kind of save a lot with this sponge bundle. They also do a thing where they eventually do add on like a second club and like a DVD or whatever. Right.

But they say like, but it starts with like you'll get the club and then they just describe things about it. It's like no, no, no, you need to give us more actual items, not just tell us what's in the one thing. Yeah, you can't just give a random number that you would never actually charge for the thing. and then the real number. I do kind of want to see Jack Hamer's Hammer Secret, though, which is the name of the DVD. But yeah, they totally screw up the price marking thing that even Gorilla Flow got right. Right.

Gorilla Flow really did the price anchoring. He's like, how much would you spend for pissing really hard? A million dollars? Try a hundred. You're like, wow, that's a lot of savings. But then a couple of nerds come in and they do like some real hard stats. But it's in a way that there's, you have no relation to. It's like, this does 12.6 degrees.

This club over here, 10.5. Not as good. You're like, okay, if that's what you're telling me, they measure like the spin. They have a whole spreadsheet that's vaguely convincing, but I assume this is either completely made up or gamed by people who wanted the numbers to be better for one of the golf clubs. But there's no reason not to make it up. And so that's what they did.

Like these are obvious scriptors. Right. I guess this is one of the scientists. comes on again. He explains like golf ball air pockets. He's like, you know, these little air cushions, they coat everything. They have a bunch of plane clips. And this is where the hot air balloons come in. There's hot air balloons now whenever anyone mentions aerodynamics, which is amazing. Yeah, the hammer acts is a jet fighter. There's a part that cracks me up. And all other clubs are a hotter balloon. Is that what it was? I think that's what it's just like, that's

the implication is like a hammerics is aerodynamic, like a jet fighter and all other clubs. are like a, we're not going to say gay, but basically, you know, kind of fruity, hot air balloon. But like, pretty, pretty. Yeah. There's a part where the scientist is holding the club after explaining like all of the sixth grade science and he acts like he's really thinking about the club and he goes, makes a lot of sense. I don't know. I'm sure everyone knows this, but like this is like my favorite type of propaganda where you take

like 15 seconds and you turn your idiot viewer into an expert. So if you're a stupid person going into this commercial, you're like, oh, I'm done learning about aerodynamics. I am a different person than I was earlier during this commercial. So like you kind of feel sorry for all those other dummies who don't understand golf club air pockets like you do. Yeah. The genius. It's almost. I don't know.

It feels like if you give a dummy a tiny amount of expertise, you can get them to believe anything because like your two fellow scientists like sharing data. Right. It's the classic conspiracy thing. Yeah. It's like. Yes, absolutely. But it's almost insulting here because they do like the they do like a you know crude computer graphics kind of thing of like aerodynamics.

But they show the Hammer X, which again, it's a golf club, right? It has a flat face to hit a golf ball with. And they show like arrows for air flow. But like they show arrows going right up to the flat face and then just like very smoothly going over and down. And it's like, I know how air works. Like, it hits that. It doesn't just go, oh, it goes, you know, they're trying to compare it to a plane wing,

but a plane wing is aerodynamic. It's not flat. Like, it's the opposite of that. It's adorable. It is all adorable. It kind of reminded me of like when you design your perfect ninja weapon as a child and you're like, oh, I'm going to put a gun of my nunchucks. Then I'll be ready for distance.

Gun chucks. And I'll put knives on my feet in case it's a tree mission. And you're like, fuck yeah. Like, that's what this reminds me of. You take the volume out and you move all the mass to the center. And then you... Why not just use a sword? Why not just take a sword to the golf course?

Hit the golf ball with a sword. That's fully aerodynamic. All the mass is right there on the golf ball. I took another clip of the same woman. There was an old lady that went first and then the same woman. Whoa, look at that. That is great. You did perfect.

And how about that glove? That's marvelous. Looks a little different, but I love it. That's great. Oh, man. And you hit it great. For ladies, I definitely think they should use the Hammer X because it will definitely improve their game

and they'll be hitting it so much further than before. I adorable. Like the way they treat women, that's just like their infants. Like, you did a great job, woman. You did you win a woman. You did a golf club swing. And she's like, thank you. I am a woman.

And as a woman, you need a girl. golf club like this, compatible even with girl. I'm a big misogyny fan. What can I say? You know, most people would agree with you. I think there's some really incredible claims around here. I like when he says it has a memory of your swing. Like, as if the sword has created a bond with you.

It's like a cursed blade in many ways that shares your soul. It's got the souls of your ancestors. Right. The golf shaft. The X shaft. And now the X shaft. Again, just let me know if you need that anytime. I also really like the animation of the, we mentioned it, but of the golf head filling up with water that they show like six times.

You can tell that they spent a lot of money on the CG stuff. So it's like, what does CC mean? It can be water in there. That's the measurement. It sounds like something you get at the bar. It's just water. It's filled full of water. And they just show like a golf club filling up with like a sound effect.

It's incredible. Other golf clubs are filled with water. Not the hammer axe. Filled with air. Filled with nothing. My wife wanted to note that this infomercial uses the muscle milk font a lot. Whatever it says power core, it's in the font that muscle milk is in. Yeah.

I'm pretty well defended against this trick to say like, hey, here's how this works. I'm like, I don't trust you. Like, I don't even trust real education because of all this type of stuff. But at the beginning, I was like, it all sounds sort of reasonable. It sounds really infantile, but reasonable. But after they keep showing it, it really becomes clear that they don't know what they're talking about. Like, after you show it 50 times, you're like, well, that empty space behind the big flat club isn't doing anything.

Like I mentioned earlier, like driving a car with the sunroof down is not going to make it go faster. and it just they kept showing it until that exact thought occurred to me. Like that note, that's nothing. I mean, I haven't done physics since 10th grade, but I just don't think this is how it works. I mean, the days of CC drivers is over, you know? It's over. The days is over. It really doesn't seem to be.

I have, I feel like maybe it didn't take off. I have a note here that says, experience trune golf. What the fuck does that mean? My notes are just The game promotional was so confusing at times. I just have notes that are like all other drivers are now

experienced true. If you posted on something awful you probably have thoughts about that. Jamie got that. But I, watching this, I realize like I obviously it's insane bullshit. But I kind of miss

the experience of like turning on TV on a Saturday afternoon when nothing is on and people like Jack Hamm have just bought air time to show you their bizarre bullshit because I realized like when I was watching this I haven't had like broadcast or cable TV since I left home when I was like 17. So like since then I've just you know had streaming video or torrenting or whatever. And obviously there are insane people online and there are hucksters and grifters online everywhere. But they don't feel this fun anymore. Like, you know, you get ads on Twitter that are just for stupid bullshit or on Instagram or whatever.

But this kind of guy, it just, I feel like it doesn't really exist in the same way. Yeah. Plus, this guy's unique. And that back when these commercials were just happening all the time, I'm sure there was agencies you'd go to and they would just make you one. You're like, here's my product, and they'd be like, cool, we'll just run it, do it by the numbers. And this is a guy trying to do that without like the experience. And so everything's just like off.

And it has like that true madman feel to it that I really love. Yeah, the little lack of polish. And again, like you just don't see it anymore. If the other leading club manufacturers have this technology, they would charge you a thousand dollars a driver, but they don't. The hammer axes and you see 30 yards longer. All other drivers are now obsolete. PAU! 1,900, Frankfurt!

Of all, hot dog, Ome! From each of your kingdoms, send to me your finest warriors, your champions, your supreme... Aaron Crosston, Adrian H, Aden Moet.

From the kingdom of Nolenberg, it's Alex Nolenberg. A mighty little meat. Alpha scientist Javo. Anandhi, Amando Nava, Bim Talza, do not disgrace your kind. You're disgracing your kind right now, aren't you? Brendan Garlock, Brian Saylor, Burrito, Serrell, Cheddar Wolf, from the kingdom of Cheddar Wolfia, who had a really cool design, but just never got a moment.

Clementine Danger, Common Sense, Greg Lamoyne, half man, half horse, all man. Quevas, Daniel Sloan, Devin, the rogue supreme, David Schull has a sword that commands God! That really fucks up the stakes, can you leave it at home? Dean Costello, Delta Foxtrot. Doug Redmond, wild and free, who has vowed not to disgrace his kind, oh God damn it, Doug Redmond already! Drayson, Dusty's rad title is a swamp hag who looks pretty good when you're drunk.

Fancy, Shark, Gareth, Chilaho, good Satan and his hot witches comes with special wings, special decorative wings, not for flight. Greg Cunningham, Haraka, Harvey Pengweeney, Honk, King of Honconia, where the mighty honkies live and play. Jaber Al-Aid, James Boyd, Jared Mountain Man, Jared Ruiz, just your classic hallway panther, you better have a panther Jeff Oraski, John Dean, John McCammon, John Minkoff, Joseph S, Josh S, Joshua Graves. From the Kingdom of Justonia, Justin V is beautiful, and no other thing, it's what the B stands for. Get Basley! K&M, Kumutsas, Lane Hagud.

Lisa is a magician who put her mind in the body of a hawk, just so she wouldn't have to walk. Walk. M. Jahi Chappelle. Mark Mahoney has vowed not to disgrace his... I'm just kidding. Just kidding. What a disgrace. Matt Riley.

Max Feroi. Mercenary, sysadmin. Michael Dillon is a hawk trapped in the body of a magician. Don't deny it. Be proud of who you are. Scree-A! Michael Lair. Mickey Lohman.

Mike Stiles. Mort. Moseu. Mr. Bob Gray is leader of the mighty lizard men. Mr. Bob Gray. Rob Gray has been slain. N. D. Neil Bailey, Neil Schaefer, Neku 104, Ornry Weevil from the Ornery Kingdom of Wevonia,

champion of the Wevonia Warrior Games. By, forfeit. Ozzy Olin. Patrick Hobsarkovsky, shall chase. See it is a magical Lightning Hawk, whose purpose remains unclear. Go to school, Lightning Hawk. Spotty reception.

So, Taitors' tales from the noble Tator Kingdom of Taitonia, with a sword that makes polite requests of God. That's more reasonable. Ted H. Thomas Cavatzos. DiBi Leahy. Toasty God. Tommy G. Vilo turns into a mighty chimera when angered, or aroused, or confused, he might actually just be a chimera. Woucester.

Whalen, Brussels. Zach and Ava. Wild and free centaur champions. ride into battle on one another. Each of the human pots, on the horse pots, but not their own, it's complicated. And finally, from Danonia comes young, quick and deadly Dan B. Hurry, Dan B, you only have seconds to do something cool before this whole thing gets canceled.