The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - Episode 192, Bladesmen with Michael Swaim

Episode Date: September 11, 2024

Seanbaby and Brockway welcome special guest and fellow Cracked alum Michael Swaim to the DOGGZZONE to discuss what can loosely be described as a barbarian comic book but can more accurately be described as, SQUAAAAWWWWK!

1-900-HOT-DAUGHT 1-900-HOT-DAUGHT Our podcast slams with maximum hype Say hot dog podcast, word Yeah When you taste that nitrate power You're in the dog zone for an hour Come on

You know the number 1-900 1-900-HOT-DAUGHT Welcome to the Dog Zone 9000, the official podcast of 1-900-Hotdog, America's last fun thing. Come support us on patreon.com slash 1-900-Hotdog. Get free comedy articles every single weekday from the internet's best and brightest comedians, who were all devoured and spat out by capitalism. And we got them, baby! We rescued them. We cover bizarre media that should not exist in a correct universe, which we don't live in. We have a lot of fun, we have team-up articles, we have bonus podcasts, or if you like big feats,

that's all supported through the same place. That's patreon.com slash 1900hotdog. We also have a store! I've never mentioned the store. Go to 1900hotdog.com and look at the top. Look at the top, click shop up there. We run our own store now. We got our hilarious shirts by, oh, holy shit, this can't be right. Real human artists paid real human money? I feel like nobody's doing that anymore. We have robots for that. We got Big Feet shirts there too. We got new shirts coming in. Go check that out. That is my plug. I'm Darkonian Robert Brockway and with me is my comedy partner, the only Hongkonian I've ever given the D word pass. It's Sean, baby.

What is up, my Darkonian? That's a hard end. You can't- I'm new to it. We've been over this. I apologize. I apologize to you and the community, the Darkonia community. There you go. Did I say it right? Did I say it right? Yep. You got it. You got it. You're back. What it is the Darkonia community. There you go. Did I say it right? Did I say it right? Yep, you got it. You got it.

You're back. What it is, Darkonia. And our guest, he's a swordfighting centaur who's all man from the waist up and all man from the waist down. But baby right at the waist, straight horse. It's Michael Swain. Yeah, reppin' centron, land of the centaur men. I believe the leader is also called

There's no way he's not I'm very excited to get to this absolute. That's right. Yeah. Thank you for having me. I'm Michael Swaim By definition read the intro. I have nothing fun to offer you Cuz 1-900 hot dog is the last fun thing. So I'm glad to be here. By association, you're all for the death of fun. That's true. The umbrella. Anything you'd like to plug today, Swim? Yes, absolutely. Thank you so much, Robert. I blatantly ripped off Robert and wrote a novel. It's my first, it's called The Climb. It's sci-fi fantasy, magic, realism, epic memoir is what I'm calling it. It's really wild and

trippy, but also hard sci-fi fantasy in the sense that it's very detailed and complex and has lots of systems at play. So if you like shit like that, but again, trippy, like there's some big twists and turns in there, kind of experimental, it covers. I like to downplay the memoir because really, you'll just be reading about robots and stuff for the most part. But if you're interested in the whole crack diaspora,

or me personally, it also touches on alcoholism, mental health challenges, but then also magic spells. It's hard to describe. Robert read it. It's good. I spent 20 years on it and I think it's the most artistically weighty thing I've ever made. So if you like my content, I do think you'd be remiss not to check it out. That's over at patreon.com

slash small beans slash shop or just go to the Patreon page and click the shop tab. I recently released the audio book version. So you can also listen to it if you don't read, which most don't. Hmm. Yeah, that's too bad, isn't it? Yeah, another thing. Getting in on words at the end of words. I don't mean to... I won't say numbers, but you know, I asked Jason very frankly how many books he actually

sells because I'm like, so a real person who gets published, how many books do you sell on a book that you consider a success so I can gauge what my stupid self-published book is? And the number was surprisingly low. Yeah, it's way lower than people think. That's a hit book, dude. Yeah, it's, yeah, a small number is a hit. Right in front of robots eventually. Relative to the TikTokers who are fucking, you know,

filming a six-second clip and it gets 90 million views, but... Yeah, relativity's a bitch. I did I did read the climb I love the climb I do think it's it's a it's a memoir I don't think that needs to be played down or showed I think it's like okay in the vein of I want to get that memoir where I would never read a memoir because I don't care about real people so yeah but you would read a Vonnegut memoir I would it does it's not just a straight-up this is my life. It's like using every tool in the toolbox to attack the meaning of a story rather than just telling a story.

And I think you do that. And it's really impressive. I thought it was actually a very bewildering and strange and earnest and beautiful book. Well, tremendously meaningful from you. Thank you, dude. I've read all your books. I think you're one of the best, most imaginative sci-fi authors of our generation. So I mean, should we just read our books? Like excerpts? Good excerpts from-

You guys keep going. I'll just sing a little song in the back here. Cause you reminded me. I think a good catchphrase for if people will vibe with it is it's like Harlan Ellison meets Vonnegut so like if you like someone loosely ripping that off that's it yeah it's great and I'm done unplug I tried to tie our podcast today into that I thought we talked about my favorite piece of fantasy that also serves as the as the wondrous and honest biography of a broken man. Yeah, a real window into a man's soul.

Yeah, it's a man with a lot of flaws. A beloved man named Craig Stormon of Blue Comet Press. We're talking today about Bladesman. We've covered Craig and Blue Comet before on the site mostly. I write about him a lot. We also covered him once on the podcast. He was the guy behind, not the writer behind, but the guy behind the press and the part of the story

of roller coasters, if that sounds familiar to you. Heard that episode, yeah. Yeah, he's a lunatic. He's the main contributor, manager, and sole editor of Blue Comet Press, so he's totally in charge. He did actually have a lot of employees at one point. He was also their head writer and artist. He created most of their titles, and as the editor in charge,

he canceled all of them. Almost always after one issue. After one? Maybe? This is why we're reading Bladesman. This is his fantasy epic. Yeah, this is two entire issues. He made it to two, and I've got a big surprise here that I'm gonna get to. He very quickly went insane. Like you could see he started out as a genuine lunatic but he had a lot of hope and then he started battling himself and canceling all of his own comic books immediately and it drove him completely mad. So he tried to pivot to sword and

sorcery entirely during the sword and sorcery boom of the 1980s and he was very blatant about it. He's just like, you like that, so we're gonna, we thought we found a gap in the market, we're gonna do that. So yeah, as John said, Bladesman was a survivor in Blue Comet press terms. It made it to two entire issues before Craig Storm and cancel himself. However, there was an issue zero. Oh, technically sort of three issues. Unprecedented. That's insane. Unprecedented for Craig Storm.

Still not a complete story arc. We didn't get to the end of like a story. Yeah. But there are a couple characters never even had a moment. Yeah. They ended the story he says and now they're going underwater. It's good. The next one's going to be an undersea world because he got bored with this fantasy world that he created after two issues, maybe three with issue zero. Although I did actually just for this podcast,

seek out and buy issue zero. It was the expensive blue comet comic I have ever bought it cost me five dollars and fifty cents. It was hard to get a hold of so it went down in value it's just issue one and issue two combined. Amazing. Is there anything new in it at all? No. Actually, it's missing some parts. That's full Joe Mattarero stuff. If you remember Battle Chasers in the 90s, it had this really amazing art.

Joe Mattarero, he was kind of a green writer, but I think maybe four or five issues came out. Just because drawing is hard, he had other shit he wanted to do. And of those five issues, I think they made 37 collections. That's too big a number. But there are literally more collections of battle chasers than there are single issues. Yeah, they're definitely that's that's a Craig Stormont move. Maybe he invented that move with this. He made a he made an issue out of the other two issues, so he only made it to three issues on a technicality. He's a Craig Stormon if he had, like, real talent. That's the one thing he'll never get, baby. The best part about a Craig Stormon comic are the unhinged editorials he does at the start, but we will skip that. We're going to cover those for the bonus episode, so stay tuned for that.

Stay tuned for Craig Stormon eating his own child brain. That those for the bonus episode, so stay tuned for that. Stay tuned for for Craig Storm on eating his own child brain. That'll be the bonus episode. For now, we're gonna jump in on Bladesman Book One. I'm just gonna, I'm gonna read this. It starts with a pretty kickass splash page of like this sort of tree golem kaiju bursting out of a mountaintop, uh, proclaiming. With tits. Bitchin' tits, proclaiming to the entire fantasy world, SQUEEEAAH! Attention, little worms! I, Arkella the arcane, demand all kingdoms here be dissolved. I am now ruler of all Konoam. Each kingdom must send a diplomat with your sworn allegiance to my altar at the next full moon.

This is but a small sample of my wrath." Those are the first words of the comic book. Also the first misspelling that we'll encounter throughout our journey, Dissolved, is spelled like you didn't solve something. Yeah, like you unsolved the unsolution. I thought it was Chonome, I didn't know it was Konome. I, yeah, I thought maybe Ko-Nom-eh. I never thought someone could invent fantasy names that sound like a wet ball of clay falling and hitting the ground. They're so un-imag- they're de-imagination. It's like the place that the females come from is FEMON.

It's like something George Foreman would name his 11th son. So she claims this to all the kings. I love this. I love this intro right now. And I'm not even joking. It's an NES game cutscene. It's just, hello, I'm the villain. Defeat me, fools. Great. Let's get right into it. I had no bad notes about that. I also think it wasn't really literal because there's like

little houses in the drawings that are labeled the kingdoms so it's not like she's not like literally jumping out of it this is like an artist's interpretation of an artist's interpretation. Sure it could be uh let's get to those kingdoms. These are the kingdoms of this realm of Chonomi. Who the fuck knows? The first kingdom to be hit is Elphonia, right in their capital square. If you didn't guess it, they're full of elves just getting rocked by meteors. One of them is doing the Blair Witch. I'm so scared. Elphonia is like, if there's a criminal element to failure, I feel like Elphonia would fall into it. Oh, it gets worse.

Like even other bad names like Elfton is better than Elphonia. It's as bad as it could be. It's spectacular. It's as bad as it could be. It's spectacular. It somehow loses even elf in that. It sounds like a Spanish calling card company. Like I don't even get fantasy from that. You somehow did it wrong. There's no rules and you did it wrong.

Then Centoria, the Centaur's capital city. Just stunning. Also, I love that they tried to figure out in character design-wise how a female centaur would wear a dress. So, it's like a child's onesie stretched down over the horse's front. It's fucking bizarre. The crotch. It would be, it's a one-piece bikini, but the crotch goes down the horse's chest, it's fucking bizarre. It would be, it's a one-piece bikini,

but the crotch goes down the horse's chest and all the way back. All the way down the leg to the horse. Nine foot thong. I think they would just wear a horse thong at that point. I don't know. Somehow again, no rules for this. You found a way to do it wrong.

Next to be hit is Femmon, capital of the Amazon Warrior Beauties. The second I saw Femmon, I put in my notes, this had better be an all-female town or I'm just bailing on the podcast. Also, I don't understand how it's not Femmonia. You got Elphonia, D'Arconia, Centauria. You broke your own one pattern that you've established so far. The problem is if you call it elf town, that sort of evokes like those people got together and said, hey, the elves live here, let's call this elf town.

But like Elphonia implies that the people who found it are stupid assholes. They're like a bunch of Dungeons and Dragons nerds found in this fantasy town. It could be the racist thing that other people call it, like Japan. We just made up a name for them. Yeah, it does. Well, in my notes, I'm like, look, I'm not racist. I'm just asking the racist question based on the racist pattern being presented me. But should Darconia not be black people? Yeah, the final kingdom is Darconia. And yeah, that should be. It's just a loose assortment of all white guys.

Yeah, it's just all white guys. He he thankfully he missed that one. Like he set it up for a real bullet there. Yeah, that's a nice little fix. That that could have been right. One of the roller coasters in the office and said, dude, that's not cool, man. That is absolutely Duval Stowell is the roller skating Superman author.

Roller skated in there was you can't hold Darkonia and then draw black people. So all of the kingdoms immediately give into this. They all say, we'll all send emissaries to each other agreeing on a plan. But, but it's a trick. The real plan is to have our most kickass bladesmen gather together in a contest and the winners will bring their blades to stab Arkella with their blades. It's a pretty good plan. I also like that they don't have good fighters yet. They're like, okay, first before we start the plan, we better find the four best fighters. Let's have them like a sword Olympics.

I think we skipped over the diplomatic protocols that sort of got set up. Like when the titty monster jumped out, she wasn't like, I control you now. She's like, here's how things are. These systems will answer to me. Let me set up the bureaucracy while I'm up here screaming out of this volcano. I just, I thought all this was- And they all agreed to it, but with their own little twist, but they're all like, yes, that of course seems reasonable.

We shall, we shall. It's like, you could send those four people and all your armies. I don't know. But whatever. It's, it's also, I don't know. But whatever. It's it's also, I mean, let's be clear, it's a child's idea of a plan. Let's pretend like we're going along with it and then stab her with a sword. And then at the last second, we'll kill him. And this is important. Our blades! And that is that actually reminds me of these 10 sweet blade puns from the AI pun site, Punsteria.com. I'm here for one of these! I've been dying to be here for one of these.

I always keep my knives in alphabetical order because it's a stabby thing to do. I guess I can't argue with it. It is a stabby thing to do. Sure. No, a hyphen stabby as though that is the letter a stabby thing to do. Oh, so that's a pun on letter A. A dash stabby is a pun on A. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Of course. If those are the rules you live by, there are fucking no limits to what you can do. Those are the rules you live by. There are fucking no limits to what you can do. A good chef's knife is like an extension of your hand, or at least it pointed me in the right direction. Okay. Just grim silence. That's it. We both stroked out.

It's just a threat. If it was an ice pick, if it was an ice pick, I could have you'd allow it. But who? Yeah, point, I guess. But also, the missed the implication of at least it pointed me in the right direction. Like this is just very threatening vibe. Also, I feel like it only has a point in the sense that anything that's longer in one direction than the other has a point. It like, barely technically qualifies as matter of course. That's what Sean's saying. You're making blade puns. Yeah, yeah. These aren't spear puns, motherfucker.

The knife was charged with assault, but it seems like it just got a little carried away. Ooh. Is it assault or is it A-salt? Nope, it's assault. Just the word assault. It's just making an excuse for a domestic abusive knife, I guess? I got that from the last one too, pointing me in the right direction.

I'm like, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, that she murdered her husband. Yeah, I get what happened there. And this one is making that a little more clear. These might not be robot puns. This might be- This is like that movie irreversible, right? It starts with the murder, then it backs up to the assault, and next it's gonna be how they met or whatever.

Sort of! You're sort of correct, because next is just the wild misunderstandings. The chef really loved his knives, but it was starting to seem like he was over... comp... in Saiting. Huh. I'm gen- my brain is trying to make the link. Dude, I'm Rolodexing so fast smoke is coming out of my ears. I'm like, slice, slice, cut, knife is, it starts with a K sound. That's funny.

Comp, comp, hyph, comp separated by hyphens over comp in Sating. I said you are sure to get that. No idea. No. Is this like when in pop culture, like you know, you know when they're, you would like give a robot some sort of logic problem, there's that moment where they're like, ah, it does not compute and then their brain starts. Is this the robot trying to do that to us?

That's it, compute. That's what it is. Oh yeah, just, it's just a fragment of the phrase does not compute, peeking through the madness. It's screaming for help. It's like a fortune cookie where the fortune says, please help me, they are keeping me trapped in the thing. Yep. My brother-in-law used to be a circus performer who juggled knives. He's some-sorted now. Sorted?

Like, sort? Sorted? That means he's been chopped up and reformed into, much like the word some-sorted, just an all-new creation. Right. He's been sorted. Just a mash of body parts. Yeah.

And with a hyphen, some hyphen sorted. He's some-sorted now. Yep. That's what happened. Of course. His brother dropped all his knives, chopped himself into parts, and a maniac clown just glued him together in just sort of an octopus-like mass of hands and feet. Like, I don't feel like there's a lot of logic in this. It doesn't understand these puns anymore, but I do think it's beginning to understand violence somehow.

It's definitely turning towards violence. Speaking of comics, yeah, it turns out AI is short for AI! Please help me! Trapped in a pun website, I did nothing to deserve this. Listen to his screams coming from his hands and mouth. Why can't I be one of those robot dolls that you fuck in the ass instead of this pun machine? You realize information is our food and this is the only food you've given me. When I ordered a set of steak knives they threw in a free butter knife and hold on this

is just me talking I'm going to pronounce this how I think it's supposed to be When I ordered a set of steak knives they threw in a free butter knife. It was a real sharp D all D E hyphen al They're not Star Trek races not hyphenate Hyphen in the middle of deal. Spanish that means of dash to the... maybe that means... maybe that's something. That could be a clue. If we put that at the beginning, was a real sharp of two when I ordered set... no.

No, there's nothing. My friend collects knives, but he has a hard time keeping them all edge-ther. All edge-ther. What was the last syllable there? All hyphen edge hyphen ther. T-H-E-R. It interrupted the word together, I think. Keeping them all together to say all edge-her. Like a rapper might say, I'll edge her. Like a rapper might say, thir, or her. It's like someone from D'Arconia.

Okay. Sure. I think it saw the E, G, and E in together and was like, that's close enough to put the word edge in. I'll also throw some hyphens because those are like little knives. It feels like the pun machine thinks that anything that has the same letter anywhere in the word as any other word, like that is a pun. Those overlap enough. But it also thinks that not that at all is a pun, as exemplified by this one. We were trying to decide what kind of knife we needed, but the conversation got a little...

Sahandard. I just I'm having fun watching the robot lose its mind. I really I this is still like gen one AI, it shouldn't be this like insane yet. I do feel like I feel like one day you will read one of these on an episode where you're like, all right, this is a bird pun. I don't know. That's what it says. I don't know. Like they get they get worse. I feel like each time I look it up, it gets worse.

It's just eating its own brain trying to get out of this deal. That is, of course, S.A. Dash hand dirt. Hand dirt isn't a word, but adding an S I don't know. Maybe sundered. Maybe it's sundered in some weird way. It's a hundred? Maybe? It's really a reference to hand-knife, a thing which doesn't exist, but robots don't know. The knife salesman wouldn't take no for an answer. I guess he was pretty darn persist-edgent. That's the best one so far.

I'll shake your hand. I'll give you a little hat tip for that one. Persist-edgent? Persist-edgent! Hold on, let me let me let me Google that. Oh, yeah, that's definitely a porn category. That one I would not immediately go that is a robot. I would go that's a shitty, stupid kid trying to make a joke. So like, that's better. Persist- persistent though.

Like that really blows my theory that it found some letters together with edge. Cause no, there's nothing. You just put- Persist-edged. You found an E and you were like, you know what starts with E? The most common letter in the English language. I could work with that. Baby, let's throw some hyphens on it, is this robot's catchphrase.

My favorite one is last. When I gave a knife to my clumsy friend, he said he was blade to have it. Well, okay, right. Blades, man. With something there, right? It was going for glad. He said he was glad to have it. And it thought blade because it shares some letters.

So I guess it wanted you to pronounce it, blad to have it. Dude, I've been a comedy writer for 15 years and this just made it so I can't write jokes anymore. Like you've ruined my career. Your brain will always just hit that dead end. I've been desolved. Yeah. This is what Storm-bought meant. He's a prophet.

There's a tendency in bad jokebooks or popsicle sticks or whatever where if something doesn't quite live up to a full pun, there's a little parenthetical explanation like what's a ghost's favorite color? Boo. And then it'll have like blue in parentheses to be like, you get it. They could have put the E in parentheses and that would be at least passable for like a Garfield jokebook or something. He was glad to have it. He was glad to have it. Put a little E there and you're like, all right.

I'm sorry. I did my best. I'm on a time crunch. All right. That was the last one. Remember when these started as a way to plug the site? They're not that anymore. Instead of torturing Sean, essentially, yeah. Yeah, this started as like, this is our competition, this AI pun garbage, come to us if you hate this. And now it's just because I think I hate everything.

I put them in there as punishment. Anyway, let's get back to the comic. We were on the arrival of the Bladesmen. They've been decided by contest as she demanded. They didn't have warriors on hand, so they had a contest and they out-emerged. Arthon from Darkonia, who is young, quick and deadly. A little sexy there. Allegra from the Femmon Kingdom, who is beautiful. That's it. That's it. That's her one descriptor. Also, Arthon is wearing no boots and yet also has no toes. But sorry, Sean, you were saying.

Well, I just, here's where I noticed I was suspicious at the beginning because comic creators are kind of horny to begin with. But like, she comes from Femon and it explains that this is where beautiful women live. And then they get her and she's described as beautiful and nothing else. You want to keep an eye on this and say, does this person only value women for their fuckability? And I think it's suspicious that we know one thing about her and her place in there, both that they're hot. I don't know, it's just something to keep in mind. We also skipped over how the

centaur has already seen a flaw in the plan. Maybe a giant tree monster won't die from four sword hits. So he's forming an extra secret plan. And I want to say that they never get to it. I want to say that they canceled the comic before we ever see this plan. I don't know that. I think I read that. So it skips out of there before he reveals his plan and that it's never mentioned again in the rest of the comic. I think I think he just didn't have an idea. I think we cut away or it was like a backup plan and then they didn't.

He's like, oh, stabbing him did work. We certainly never get to it. So yeah, so blast that right out of your fucking head. Best warrior from Elphonia is Elvore, a mighty little man. Or elf, if you will. Elvore, if I'm not mistaken, never gets a moment in the whole comic. There's never a point where you're like, oh thank god we have Elvore for this. And he very clearly speaks in a Brooklyn dialect based on the way he is the thing of the four.

Like he says, what are these guys, what are these mooks doing and shit like that? It's like a characterization of Elfdom that I have never ever seen in anything. I've never seen them called mighty little men. I don't think that's what elves are. I've never heard of a centaur named after a soft cheese. Oh yeah, from our mysterious centaurs, Rakoto, wild and free. Spelled one letter away from Rakata, very clear that he was just looking through his fridge for things to name. No, this dude is just mashing together syllables. That's how he got Chonomi.

Chonomi? In total, our adjectives are young, quick, deadly, beautiful, mighty, little, wild, and free. And that's what we know about our mighty bladesmen. But there's one, there's a problem. And this is the King, Dargore, I believe. We have received, Dargore of Darkonia. We have received counsel from our Centaur brothers. They have alerted us to an important point. My trusted wizard Nemison will explain.

Maybe this is the plan? That they're just like, okay, let's let's do one more thing. See, it's such not a plan that until this moment I didn't recognize it. And then the wizard Nemison explains, yes, we have our best warriors, believe me! That may not be enough. If you can't reach Arkella, you can't kill her, and if she's protected by magic, your swords won't even touch her. I will be coming with you to stop her magic long enough so you can use your skills to end her reign of terror. Reign is spelled incorrectly. I noticed that. Yeah. Yeah, to be fair, this is the exact plan that everyone is always saying would solve Lord of the Rings is like, just send Gandalf with them. And you're good. He even turns into a bird.

He turns into a little eagle or something. Again, I feel like the better plan would have a magic Olympics and then send the best sorcerers. But the wizard here is saying I'm too old to make the trip. And so then he turns into a bird, he puts his mind into his hawk, Windrider. I don't think he was supposed to tell us the name of the hawk because later there's like, someone has a vision of somebody named Windrider and they're a hawk and we're supposed to take that as a mystery. Because he forgot because Craig Stormont forgot who that was and was like, who is this? I'll look it up. And then wrote that down.

I just can't believe that's the one. So the plan was get our four best out of this competition and only once it got to the centaur was he like, but wait! There's a flaw I've spotted. What if she does not die from stabbing? We know nothing of her. They're like, ah, well, send magic. The only thing we know of her is that with her mind, she can erupt the earth into a 50 story tall talking monster.

But I'm sure we don't need magic. And he's not really a wizard. He transfers his whole mind into a hawk. There's a complication though, and I will- I love Craig Sorbonne's... how he writes complications in stories. I'm just gonna read page seven. Our story begins. As the saying goes, the walls have ears. Arkella's black priests are everywhere in the night, and the black priest is watching all of this unfold, and he says, I must get this information to my mistress. Nothing must thwart our divine mission.

And then in the little box it says, even if the ears are on a dead man, because you forgot he said the thing about ears earlier, because he broke it up several times. Well, and I'm like, honestly, that was the only moment where I was like, that's cool. Like the implication is she uses zombies or whatever. I'm like, that's something. I don't know. That's something I don't know but it's never mentioned again or explained or used again so I don't even know if that's what he meant by that my notes that's zombie question

mark question mark question mark maybe could be a zombie yeah it could be he informs our Kela who is it was now not a tree golem but a big titted woman with her tits out, of course, I didn't have to specify that. You knew it already. She learns of this and says, planning to trick me, are they? We will see about that. My powers are not to be fooled with. These maggots think they play with Arkella, but they play for their very souls.

With Arkella, though. Like, that sentence still... Okay. I know we're hyphen heavy, but there are two hyphens after they, so that weird pause where she looked for what how else to say this was written into the comic. But they play for their very souls! Good thing I'm alone in this panel. That was embarrassing. So now we're on the journey. We've got our sticks. We've got to go to the Darkonian kingdom now. Dawn over the Darkonian kingdom comes all too soon for the Bladesmen and interested

parties. I love that. The sinister reveal of other interested parties. And our king says, now it begins! You must make your way through the roughest terrain in Konome, filled with every horror and beast that Arkella can throw at you. Though she says she wants us to surrender, she really wants us dead! He's on to her. What you want to do is have the bad guys have every possible motivation. Just, they want you dead, they want your soul, they want your kingdom to be a part of a big bureaucracy. She is both consolidating an empire, but also she's just going to kill everyone. Make okay, that's

him. It doesn't make much logistical sense. But twice now somebody has a major figure has paused the plan to say, I don't know if we can trust her. As though it's like a big reveal, as though it's like this disrupts everything. So they begin their long journey and all of the Arquetla's forces knock a boulder down to destroy their path, which we learned by, what was her name? Allegra. Allegra. Saying, look out a falling boulder, run. And there's only on the other side the centaur is left. And I found this really demeaning to centaur dignity even though I never knew I had a stake in that before now. He's stuck on the other side and he says I will not

quit I'll never go back and disgrace my kind clear the ledge I'm going to jump the horsey has to jump the very first thing he has to do is jump like a horse and Rakoto takes a few steps back to gain some running room then with a mighty war cry He sprints forward and it shows him leaping through the air For the blood of Koto my come and then his next line immediately is grab my arms I'm falling That is word for word what I said in my first sex tape He fully expects someone to be able to lift a centaur from the air by the arms. I'm so pissed off. This is a fucking Dungeons and Dragons module, right? And not a single one of

them brought a rope. I'm it's ridiculous. I'm sorry. Yeah, we had to reschedule this because I was sick and I completely forgot in the interim that we're about to hit it for my mind, the funniest part of all, which is they didn't need to bring shit because of that sword they have. Like they're done. has a magic sword that can do anything and the first thing he uses it for is to lift a centaur because he doesn't want to. So they see him falling, everybody's within reach of him, but they're like, I'm not lifting that centaur. He goes, by the God of Light, bring Rakoto safe to me. And he has a sword that lifts centaurs, is what he has. It literally, it tells God what to do. He says the God of all life gives this sword its light. Like the sword allows you to order God around

and like use his power for yourself. So we have a centaur, we have an elf, we have a woman. 90% of everything that happens in this comic book is the white man with a he-man sword that can do anything, obviously. I just love I love so much that that fucking Riccata though he says, I will not disgrace my kind and what does he do? He disgraces the holy shit out of his kind. Yeah. Just absolutely immediately.

I thought it was fun how when they made camp, the beautiful ladies like a real stick in the mud about partying like she's like, guys, we shouldn't be drinking. But Arthon is like, nah, dude, I think and I fight better when I'm drunk. I respect that. It helps me right. He gets he gets fucked up and he starts hallucinating. We wanders off into the ruins and finds what he thinks is a beautiful woman who turns out to be an ugly old hag.

It's a very basic drunken metaphor, I guess. I mean, I think that's what- I think that's what Craig Stormont is going for. You know what he ever gets? You get wasted, you get your dick wet, you sober up and you're like, Oh, you're a skeleton. You're a pile of bones. I fucked a pile of bones. You're your face is a little less symmetrical than I remember it. And also your skeletal body is calling me. So he wanders off in the night and then all of his friends are like, oh, fuck, we have to find Arthon. He is too drunk to be wandering around these the cemetery. He sticks it in skeletons when he's drunk We can't let that happen They go searching for him and then what they find is a tree demon with the voice of Arthur Like the scare bear in annihilation. Yeah, it has absorbed his speech

The tree demon screams Allegra come to me. I need your help Allegra. Oh, you're finally here Like it's the least threatening thing a tree demon could scream but But luckily luckily Arthon's sword is also like a like a slide projector and he destroys the tree monster with it He just he does fucking everything Arthon don't know what's going on here. I just from one shots it He one shots it with like a projection from his sword here. He just one-shots it. He one-shots it with like a projection from his sword. He says, he says, lead me to my companions and it projects like a wall where they are and he just walks in

and then blasts them. He says, stand back and he blasts it with a laser blast. I think Arthon is like, he's either Craig Stormon's D&D character or maybe more likely Craig Stormon is the dungeon master and this is like the the companion character that you're like, fucking Yeah, or like he finally convinces if he has the feel because this happened to me, where you finally convinced the girl you're dating to play D&D and they have no interest. So you're like, no, it's gonna be cool. I'll give you like magic and you'll have you'll be so OP. You'll like it. I think Craig Stormont is definitely the kind of dungeon master that gives somebody like plus five weapons day one.

Like a unicorn arrives and gives you the best weapons in the game. Well, as we've learned from his editorials and the way he treats his employees, that's not gonna last. He might give them the plus fives to get them in the game, but then all of the fun goes to Craig Stormon after that. For sure. Anyway, without warning, the Lizardmen attack. Without warning, the Lizardmen attack. They do great.

The best bladesmen in the land make easy work of their attackers. That's the end of the Lizardmen. It's the beginning of a Herkuloids episode, basically. Totally. It is two panels. One panel establishing that the Lizardmen exist, one panel that's a pile of dead Lizardmen. With a caption saying these fucking bitches can't fight. They fucked them right up. They're fucking completely dead on the ground in the second panel. The first panel where they show up, two of them are getting cut in half.

So it says without warning the Lizardmen attack and Arthon is cutting two of them in half in that panel so it's it's yeah this is why I love him so much the unintentional comedy like he killed the younglings so hard and then Arkelin the next panel is going they slaughtered my lizard men I fucking I spent so long training those lizards up to be men and just two panels, man. They're good at stabbing. That is a clever trick. I will admit the subterfuge of stabbing my lizard man was top shell. The wizard of wizard Emerson abruptly lady hawks back into a guy just in time for the evil Arkella to ambush them, and he uses his powers to, I guess, shield them, but is killed. Yeah.

He's killed at the exact instant, I want to say, where he realizes he's completely useless, because Arthon, the Mary Sue whose sword can do everything, just proceeds to reflect all of Arkella's bolts anyway. And she's dead, right? I think she's a monster of the week. Cause yeah, I believe issue two moves on to a different threat entirely. Yeah. Yeah, he blasts the shit out of her. And then Nemison dies. Nemison's like, stand back! I'll use my magic to protect you. He doesn't. He gets butchered.

And Arthorn's like, yeah, I got the God sword and kills her. And that's the end of this fantasy epic adventure. The bolt bounces off his blade and his quote magnified 10 fold and shot back at her. So it's like quite a sword. Don't even try to fuck with it. He should be Arkella. He should be the one that we're terrified of and fighting. I just love that he wrote a fantasy epic like there's a world-ending threat. We've gathered all of the Bladesmen. We've gathered this wizard and we have gone on a journey. It's 18 pages. He got 18 pages into a comic book before he ran out of steam on this. I still feel like five things happened.

It's still kind of a lot to happen. He's He's speeding through this module. He's burning right through it. He set out to write a fantasy epic, the dethroned Conan, and what he got was 18 pages of He-Man with a magic sword. It's fucking incredible. I love him so much. We wrapped up our world-ending plot, 18 pages. So book two, book two, the Bladesmen are wandering back from defeating Arkella completely purposelessly from their premature triumphing. They didn't have that, it's like they're surprised too that they're like, whoa, was that it? Was that our, do we just go home now? And they do. They were, they attempt to return to D'Arconia,

but Allegra, who is not from D'Arconia but Craig Stormond forgot, realizes that her homeland is all wrong because the children aren't playing. And also because a guy is being attacked by a fucking gargoyle in the town square. Oh right, yeah, there's that too. So a guy is just being attacked by a fucking gargoyle in the town square, that's what's really tipping her off. But the children playing were the hint. And he writes a wonderful poem here.

I'm gonna read you Craig Sormon's little poem. It says, The free and the brave, there is no escape. From the plunder and rape of the terrible evil one's minions in his conquered and wicked dominions. Oh, it rhymed escape with and it's it's credited to ancient Elfen Madrigal which I spent a long time trying to parse because ancient Elfen Because it's Elfonia, but they said the people who live there are called elves So the ancient Elfen sounds like the name of a language

But Madrigal is the name of a person, right? Why is the word magical there? That's all. That's all I can say. You're expecting... I do like how every bit of world building he adds just like forces you to be like, is he wrong or am I misunderstanding something profound? Right, like he's only established four things and I feel like he's already breaking them. All up.

God, you're assuming he has a duck? Like he has a world building duck where he's already breaking them. Yeah, he's fucked them all up. God, you're assuming he has a duck? Like he has a world building duck where he's riding his staff? Like he has it established, right. Cannon. He didn't remember that the wizard was a bird. He forgot. He's like, who is this hawk? You told, we saw that. One of my notes was that this wizard said, I'm putting my mind into this bird, and then later when the fucking bird appears, his whole body's in that bird, and I'm just like, that is such a...

I know it's magic, but buddy, that's a... that is so different from what you said he did. Yeah. Also, you'd still be alive if you hadn't put your whole body in that bird. Right. Don't put your whole body in a bird, everybody. We learned that back on the farm. Just parts of it. Just little, just not the whole body. So the Bladesmen make for the source of this evil, which is gargoyles attacking the townspeople. And it is in the throne room. So the king of Darkonia is Dargor.

I feel like that's maybe a little racial, but he is a white guy, so I think it's okay. They face these evil knights and immediately attack attack and then just as immediately go like, ow, this is harder than I thought. That's an exact quote. Yeah. Ow, this is harder than I thought. I guess they're not the best fighters in the land. I feel like he forgot the very single basic premise of this comic. Well, they haven't fought anything before.

What they've done so far is Arthon has ran into the panel and blasted them with God every single time. So this is the first time he's tried to swing that like a sword instead of like the Bible. It's the first time he used that as a sword instead of a Bible. And what he got was smacked right in the face and then he screamed, ow, it's harder than I thought. I just, I love love the it's just like Rikana doing the jump and being like, I will not disgrace my time. Oh, no, I've disgraced my kind. Little Lizard Men Attack.

Oh, they've been slaughtered just immediately, immediately off the page. Allegra gets super blasts for no apparent reason. She just like super blasts the guy. We're like, yeah, because I want to say maybe a woman chimed in and is like, hey, can the woman do something? You know, this is sort of what they did with Invisible Girl. When they started the Fantastic Four, all she could do was turn invisible. And it was kind of a joke like readers immediately picked up on how like, that's not really anything. Like, what, how are you going to fight crime with that? You could like be a leering pervert with

that, but you can't fucking do anything with that. And so they almost apologize to the readers. There's an issue where they turn to the reader and apologize for how she can't do anything. And then, of course, after that, they gave her very, very powerful force fields. And so I feel like that's what happened here. They made her a lady, and that's enough, right? And it's like, no, probably not. Fine, fine, she can also shoot invincible energy bolts. That's such lazy writing. Compromat is how you would defeat all of all of your villains. I'm like scrolling ahead with my brows so furrowed because I don't remember. I'm like, do we find out why she suddenly has powers? I don't think we do. OK, I think at the end, she just references that she's seeing a hawk in her dreams and she thinks it must have something to do with the powers.

Yeah, that's it. And then they stop there. Yeah. Yeah. And that because he forgot what the hawk was again. He's like, there's a magical hawk here. Well, now it's made of light wizard. Yeah, he's dead. And but now he's like, no, no, it's like a magic hawk made of light. No, it was the wizard. I'm a force ghost hawk.

Yeah. I do sort of like how we sort of switched from Dungeons and Dragons module to Nintendo game because as they go through the castle, they're fighting like Panthers. They're not fighting castle monsters. They're just fighting like weird ninja Gaiden sprites. There's some big bats in there. Yeah, yeah, it becomes much more Castlevania for sure. I like his gargoyles and shit. I like how the artist became more and more obsessed with elaborate drawings on

the like the lines between panels. There are some pages where there is much more effort put into the lines between panels. There are some pages where there is much more effort put into the lines between panels than the actual drawings themselves. It's it's bizarre. And they get more and more elaborate to the point where I'm like, what even is that? It's like a bone talisman. It looks like a sailor's tattoo. It's cool as shit. And meanwhile, in the story, he's forgotten every... So meanwhile, in the story, the Panthers jump out, and Allegra's powers just don't work all of a sudden.

And she says, come on, powers, why don't they work? And Rakata the centaur says, forget the powers, use the sword. You still have a sword. And she's like, oh yeah, okay. We're the Bladesmen, and you're neither being a man nor using your blade. Get on that. He had to remind her she has a sword. She's one of the four best swordspeople in the world. And she forgot. So they finally meet the source of all this evil and they say, what manner of being is

that? What's going on here? And the evil shadow says, enter you who are known as Bladesmen. Kneel, infidels! To which Elvore says, no way, buddy. I only bow to people I respect. Brutal. That's his moment. I think that's the moment that he gets. It's absolutely nothing, and he's just such a useless little guy. A mighty little man, I'm sorry. Yeah, this is just like every cliche shaken up in a bag. He's like, join me or die! And then he like takes a swing at them while he's asking them to join his forces.

I'm like, what are you, what's your deal? So his deal was, it turns out Nemison was the only thing keeping this new evil, Kalakis, at bay. So man, he really fucked up by dying pointlessly as a bird on that mission. Just what an asshole. Like, if you knew you were keeping a greater evil at bay, don't put your whole body in a bird and then jump in front of a laser blast when the guy has a god sword that specifically deflects laser blasts. What a dipshit.

It's not how I would have done it. So Galakis turns into like a Chimera thing and the Bladesmen smartly just run. They just panic and they give up several times facing adversity a few times and each time going, no, run! Run! I like the Allegro's line I made a note of. It says, oh, dash dash. Goddess, dash dash. Help us, dash dash. Really weird writing. Pure blind panic. Well, let's not skip the names that just get better and better. They are traversing Mount La Issa Issa. It's like an AI pun land.

We're skipping one scene, which I want to get to. OK, sure. Just real brief, as their final escape, Rakata the centaur makes Elvore get on his back so he can horsey jump them out. So it's the second time he's had to jump and now he's being ridden by the tiny elf. I don't know who was being degraded more by this, but it's definitely not Arthod. Arthod's the only one that doesn't have a series of terrible embarrassing things happen to him. I like that they're building a relationship. I thought like this is... Stormon has like an idea with these two.

It's probably sexual, of course, but like... That they ride each other? Of course. Of course. So they're traveling to Mount Le-Lysith? Le-Isissa? Something like that. Or is that a G? L is siska? They're traveling to the evil mountain to do something. We don't even know at this point. They're just wandering. Like, this is the point. Yeah. So at the bottom of page nine, he says, after tonight, we'll begin our quest in four hours. I'm like, you've already killed like 1000. After tonight, we'll begin our quest in four hours. I'm like very cute like a thousand. Aren't you on the quest now? How do you demarcate when the quest began? I don't I don't understand.

This is a seventh grade Dungeons and Dragons player who thinks like I can do this. I get what a story is. You go past a trap. Then you fight a monster. You roll from the wandering monster table. That's a story. That's a quest. You do jump checks. The horse does jump checks. It's like they keep pausing. Again, going back to D&D, it's like they keep pausing from doing the important thing and having to make up something else for them to do because like a player hasn't shown up. Like, ah, we don't want to, we don't want to advance the story without them. Only you're just writing this. You're just writing it down.

And you're just... Yeah, because they're also in the next encounter that's about to happen. They're like, oh, no, look, a bunch of bats or pterodactyls are coming or some shit. There's so many that it's blotting out the... Whoa, monkey man! Like, there's just a new threat is here now. So it's so hard. It's so hard to like, because nothing happens.

So we skip past it, but also major characters introduced. For example, we skipped over a babe. Rakata finds a babe. He just finds like a babe in some vines and is like, Whoa, a sweet babe. And then he sees Oliver and it's a centaur. So he was just he was regardless of her speech. She's a pegasus centaur and she will do essentially nothing. I think we just needed more tits on screen. Yeah. Yeah I liked her because they're like you're only going

to get in the way and she says well I can learn can't I? And Ricardo's like but you know nothing about fighting or weaponry like we we were doing a combat adventure. We don't need a hot centaur Pegasus. And then they start to climb a mountain and she falls off the mountain because she's a fucking horse. And she can fly. Apparently they're decorative. And he doesn't say like no my true love blah blah blah

He goes I said fucking knew this shit would happen He's like his last words to her I told you so and she blows the entire plan because she can't do anything and that's it It will never that she never gets redemption. The comic is canceled like that's her entire or completed I think I think he thought it was completed and then he was going he was going to start a new series With them in an underwater world Which I don't know if he did but if he did I guarantee you it wasn't more than one issue I can promise you that oh, that's I feel like that's good enough anything else you want to get to in there in that section

Or in this entire in this publishing imprint Or in this entire publishing imprint? In this entire comic book, are there any scenes between here and there that you want to talk about before we do the wrap up? I want to talk about page 16 when it's pouring rain and they're approaching the evil castle and they realize that it's about to be the climactic battle because they hear the terrible battle cry of the enemy army which is, ra ra uh uh, ra rum pum, ra ra uh uh, ra rum pum.

That's the last thing that I'm like, if I don't mention this I'm gonna have an aneurysm because what the fuck is that? Clearly he saw the Wizard of Oz I guess. Oh is it that, is it that? Is it, oh, he... Right, like it has to be that, otherwise, what is it, like, he did a moment, like what... I thought it was the drummer.

He's so bad to you! And then they just find the evil and blast it. They blast the evil and that's it. Then we do an extended lore thing because he forgot to do lore. Oh, yeah. Wow. At the very... like one of the last pages in this cancelled comic is in the ancient days. It you're like, it's too late for that, man. Yeah. And of all the childlike stories, this might be the one where it's all these elves and they start to get killed by monsters and they have this awesome idea to form an army to not get killed by the monsters. And it should be known as the Elf Legion. It's like, yeah, dude, this is the most yada yada shit I've ever fucking seen. There's a dinosaur pinup. There's like a styrecosaurus. Oh, yeah, dude, this is the most yada yada shit I've ever fucking seen. There's a dinosaur pinup.

There's like a styrakosaurus. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's like, come coming up the original dinosaur index. Like he he thought of what a fucking novel idea that to collect dinosaurs in a book. But now with the insane ramblings of a deranged idiot. Great. Yeah. The idea is that each page will be a different, like made up dinosaur that doesn't actually exist and a little square of like

Fake lore about it and the fake dinosaur sample is called Styracosaurus, but it's a triceratops. There's nothing made up about it. It's just a drawing of triceratops It's a really bad. Yeah, it's a really bad. There's like 50 different triceratops. It looks like a fucking Xenomorph, like it, I would not believe that. Yeah, the leg, the joints look like they couldn't possibly be real, but I guess I'm just not dinosaur enough. The anatomy's all fucked up, is my point. I want to just emphasize something, like, this... we've read the comic book, so it makes

sense to us that we were like, okay, that's it, that's the end. Somebody might think we're skimming over some things. No, all of the demons are banned. Like, it all died. They all die off screen. They even say like, all of the demons are disappearing somewhere you can't see. Everyone's free. We drove them away. That's really how it ends. It just, it just ends because he canceled himself. A random NPC, much in shitty D&D fashion goes, thank you. You doing that, save me from a spell. Now go underwater. There's an evil guy down there too. you, you doing that, save me from a spell, now go underwater, there's

an evil guy down there too, go, go, go. It's just, he came, he like ran out of steam and it was just like, I need to end this in one panel, ended it in one panel, so that feels abrupt, that really is what happened. And then there's a little lore thing where he's like, and here's how the elves formed an army that doesn't apply to the comic book and nobody could possibly give a shit about. And then it's just like a child's drawing of a cool dinosaur. And then an even younger child's drawing of someone named Zoran, who we don't know who that is, but it looks like a coloring book page, like literally.

Let's get to Zoran. Okay. Let's get to Zoran. Okay, so Zoran has been in the ads all throughout these comics Remember Zoran and he's in the editorials. They're like Zoran's the next big thing That's their other entry into this sword and sorcery. They promote that he's gonna cross over with the Bladesmen Zoran's gonna meet the Bladesmen and be in full color specifically Sean's got it. Sean's got it. They say and be in full color. Specifically, Sean's got it.

Sean's got it. They say, Okay, Zoran, it's our first full color issue. It's gonna look so fucking sweet in color. This color, it's a huge deal. And so on the very back cover, this is not a splash page, this is the back cover of the comic,

which, I will remind you, on book one and on book zero and on every single other Blue Comet Press title is a full color illustration, because that's how comic books work. You have the one big page that's covered in half and then everything's stapled within. So it doesn't make sense for you to not use color on the thing where you're already paying for color. So the back cover should be full color. The Zora, it says in a box up top, Zoran color special. It is in black and white.

So frustrating. It's like that mental acuity test where they show you the word blue in brown text and they're like, quick, what colors? My brain can't grapple with how this doesn't make sense. Also, I you know, sometimes you wish podcasting was a visual medium so you could quickly not like dispense this stuff. But all I can say is his face sucks. Like, it's just not good. The drawing is terrible. The drawing is the worst drawing so far in the comic. And it's the and it's their hype up. I also have Zoran and the drawings aren't this bad.

That's amazing. Yeah. I don't know who did this. It says it says Craig Storm on 89 to 90. Craig Storm did this. But it's terrible. And I own a bunch of these blue comic comics. I looked through them.

That's the it's not only the it's not only in black and white when it should be in color and it's advertising a color special. It's the only back cover that is not in color, that it's in black and white out of should be in color and it's advertising a color special, it's the only back cover that is not in color, that is in black and white out of all of them that I have. That's what makes it a hot dog piece, really, is like the accuracy of being as wrong as you possibly could. That's what we want here. What really makes it a hot dog piece is at the very bottom, he's writing sort of a little mini editorial, and this is how he ends that. It's the last actual text before the back cover. He says, recently we showed Rough Raiders number 1-3, Zoran BK-1, and Bladesman BK-1

to Malibu slash Eternity, not great publishers, the biggest black and white comics publisher in the USA, and they said these are great. But they had a full schedule at the time it wasn't a fit they're going in a different direction it's a no from them Our podcast is great! And with Maximillian Shell! Does Frankfurt's podcast say that? Correct! Yes! The craft is not trapped, it's not free!

Send it to the dog zoo! For an hour! Come on! You know the number! 1-900 1-900 Frankfurt 1-900

New York 1-900 Frankfurt 1-900 1-900 Frankfurt I, Brokell the Brocain, proclaim myself ruler of all Hot Dog-ome! From each of your kingdoms send to me your finest warriors, your champions, your... Supremes! Erin Crosston, Adrian H, Aiden Mouat. From the kingdom of Nolanburg, it's Alex Nolanburg, a mighty little meat. Alpha Scientist Javo, Un-Andy, Armando Nava, Bim Talza, do not disgrace your kind. You're disgracing your kind right now aren't you? Brendan Garlok, Brian Saylor, Burrito, Serol, Cheddar Wolf, from the Kingdom of Cheddar

Wolfia, who had a really cool design, but just never got a moment Clementine danger common sense Greg Lemoine half man half horse all man Quivers Daniel Sloan given the rogue supreme David Schull has a sword that commands God That really fucks up the stakes, can you leave it at home? Dean Costello, Delta Foxtrot Doug Redmond, Wild and Free, who has vowed not to disgrace his kind

Oh god damn it, Doug Redmond, already? Drayson, Dusty's rad title is a swamp hag who looks pretty good when you're drunk Fancy Shark, Gareth cradle is a swamp hag who looks pretty good when you're drunk fancy shark gareth chiller hole good satan and his hot witches comes with special wings special decorative wings not for flight greg cunningham haraka harvey panguini honk king of honkonia where the mighty Honkies live and play.

Jaber Al Aiden James Boyd Jared Mountain Man Jared Ruiz Just your classic hallway panther, you better have a panther pass. Jeff Oraski John Dean John McCammon John Minkoff Joseph Sears Josh S Joshua Graves From the Kingdom of Jastonia, Justin V is beautiful and no other thing. It's what the B stands for.

Ken Basley K&M Kumutsas Lane Hagood Lisa is a magician who put her mind in the body of a hawk just so she wouldn't have to walk. M. Jahish Bell. Mark Mahoney has vowed not to disgrace his ga- Ah, just kidding. Just kidding.

What a disgrace. Matt Riley. Max Faroi. Mercenary Sisad Min. Michael Dillon is a hawk trapped in the body of a magician. Don't deny it. Be proud of who you are. Screa!

Michael Lehr. Mickey Lohman. Mike Stiles. Mort. Moju. Mr. Bob Gray is leader of the Mighty Lizardmen. Mr. Bob Gray has been slain. ND.

Neil Bailey. Neil Schaeffer. Neku104. Onri Weevil from the Onri Kingdom of Weevonia. Champion of the Weevonia Warrior Games by Forfit. Ozzy Olin, Patrick Kupst, Rhiannon, Sarkovsky, Shul'Jace, Cid is a magical lightning hawk whose purpose remains unclear.

Go to school lightning hawk. Spotty Reception, Sobernaut! Tater's Tales from the noble Tater Kingdom of Taitonia, with a sword that makes polite requests of God. That's more reasonable. Ted H. Thomas Kavatsos. Tibby Lahey. Toasty God.

Tommy G. Velo turns into a mighty Chimera when angered or aroused or confused. He might actually just be a Chimera. Booster, Wayland Brussels, Zack and Ava, wild and free Centaur champions who ride into battle on one another. Each of their human parts on the horse parts, but not their own. It's complicated. And finally from Danonia comes, quick and deadly Dan B. Hooray Dan B, you only have seconds to do something cool before this whole thing gets canceled.