The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - Episode 193, Werewolf with Vanessa Guerrero

Episode Date: September 18, 2024

Seanbaby and Brockway welcome special guest, Vanessa Guerrero back to the DOGGZZONE to discuss low octane werewolves and their cum plugging moon rituals!

1900 Hot Dog 1900 Hot Dog Our podcast slams with maximum hype Say Hot Dog Podcast Word Yeah When you taste that nitrate power You're in the dog zone for an hour Come on

You know the number 1900 1900 Hot Dog! 1-900! Hot Dog! 1-900! 1-900! Hot Dog! 1-900! Hot Dog! Yeah! 9000! Welcome to the Dog Zone 9000, the official podcast of 1-900-HOT-DOG, America's last comedy website. Uh, hey, you know what's fun for a while?

Relentless tooth-nashing despair. But you have the rest of the internet for that. If you want, like, a little break to do something fun and low stakes, like, uh, like experiencing human joy, come support us on Patreon.com slash 1-900-HOT-DOG. That supports our site, 1-900-HOT-DOG, right there in the name, experiencing human joy, come support us on patreon.com slash 1900hotdog. That supports our site, 1900hotdog, right there in the name, with new long-form comedy articles about cursed media every weekday by talented comedians plus monthly team-ups between me and Sean.

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who are creating things like these... God damn it. Chinese AI videos. Have you seen these things? They're crazy, wild stuff. Okay, I thought you were doing puns. No, no, I'm done with that, I promise this time. I'm Robert Brockway, or am I?

Would I tell you if I was? And with me is Sean Baby, or is he? He is not. Hi, I'm the Sean you mentioned earlier. I invented being funny on the internet in 1995, and I will be here to watch it die. And it's, we're here, we're watching it die. It's great. I love it. And our guest, she transforms into a beast by moonlight and she is not coy about it. It's Vanessa Guerrero.

I'm not coy about it at all. I love turning into a beast. I love my flesh ripping away to reveal fur. Yeah, I don't know why we have to be coy. I say be proud about it at all. I love turning into a beast. I love my flesh ripping away to reveal fur. Yeah, I don't know why we have to be coy. I say be proud of your wolf form. We all love it. It's a crowd pleaser. I love marking trees. With caustic werewolf piss, is that a thing? Yeah. Or is it? No, that's sheep squatch. I'm confusing it with sheep squatch.

Yeah, you're thinking of sheep squatch. All right. Where can people find more of you, Vanessa? My Twitter handle is n-e-s-s-grarerero and then I'm on everything else is Esprerero. And then every Monday I produce a show called Ten Minute Power Hour for the Grumps. The Grumps? The Game Grumps. You got to specify which Grumps. We're all Grumps. Well, their main channel is the Game Grumps. The offshoot comedy channel that I do is The Grumps.

The Grumps. The Grumps. OK, I don't know how you forgot your Twitter handle. I'm always jealous when I see it. Like, oh, it's so good. It's such a good one. And then you got SNES. Like, yeah, of course you do. I got all the good ones.

Of course you do. It's the best. Before we get into our podcast today, I just wanted to let everyone know I'm going on hiatus for a while after this. It's nothing bad like it usually is. I'm just swamped with crazy deadlines for other projects and I need some time to catch up. The Dog Zone will continue

with a rotating series of guest hosts and co-hosts that I've booked. And you just have to promise not to love them more than me because they're all great. I got some good stuff lined up. Today we are talking about The Grimoire of Volentius the Werewolf by Arundel Overman. Oh, he's a new author. I haven't heard of this guy. Yes, I looked him up. That is an anagram for llama rune vendor. I didn't want to say anything, but yeah, I guess it is.

I don't know where I'm going with that. It just, I was immediately like, oh, that's something else. That's, that means something else. It doesn't, it doesn't. It just, it's just weird. Now, something else. It doesn't. It's just weird. Now, is that a vendor who sells llama runes or is it a llama who vends runes? Maybe we shouldn't think about it too much, but I do think it's important to clarify it before I imagine it. Yeah.

My mind goes to Elden Ring, so I'm thinking like, there's not really a llama race there. So it's like all the amount of runes you would get from killing a llama, which isn't much, it's probably like 17 you could buy from him. So these are runes you put on your llama? No, that you get from killing a llama, I think. Okay. That's my theory. Oh, okay. I get it. You get from farming llamas like a monster, like a werewolf would do. This is sort of a first-person account from a werewolf about werewolf magic. Does this person truly claim to be a werewolf or is this, are we reading bad fiction? That is complicated and let's get into the introduction. I was worried you'd say that. Hello, my name is Arundel Overman and I would like to present to you the grimoire of Valentius

the Werewolf. The following story may or may not be true. I love truth and almost never lie, and this story would have no meaning to me unless it were true. On the other hand, there is no such thing as werewolves or skinwalkers, right? So this story must surely be all made up. And maybe it is! I cannot say one way or the other, and you would not believe me if I did.

Okay, buddy. This is maybe too coy. Like this is maybe 40 words too many about this coyness. Yeah. I was in love right away with the coy werewolf. Yeah. Well, maybe it is. I'm very naughty.

You would not know. Yeah, this is his fursona, right? Like, how far into the book are we going to get before it's a sex thing? We'll see. Maybe it'll never happen. I'm guessing two pages. Vanessa, you want to take a bet? Three pages before we're deep into like a werewolf's court through Venus.

All right, closest without going over. It's going to be the rule. This price is right on the werewolf cock. She prices right at me. On the werewolf cock. To explain what this book is, I must tell you that you have never read anything like this before, or ever will again! This small book is an instruction manual of werewolf magic, given to me by the ghost of a werewolf named Valentius. Second paragraph. It was the ghost of a werewolf.

I'm still not sure if this guy is a werewolf. I'm just trying to follow along. Our guy is not claiming to be any kind of wolf at all. Or is he? He's friends with a dead one. He's maybe. But it's not a memoir anymore. It's an instruction manual of the wolf sorcery. It's a grimoire. A grimoire, okay.

That's what a grimoire is. It's half memoir, half spell book. How'd they got that name? Really? Maybe. Because it's a guy named Greg, wrote a memoir, but he was a magician. That's probably right. Like a Llamaroon. You know what I'm talking about. The ghost of Greg gave me this book. So he goes on to say, At this moment I am sitting at my computer in a small apartment on the edge of Joplin, Missouri. No one knows where I live or who I am really except one person in this city.

I have erased my personal history as best I can and am prepared to start a new chapter in my life. I am 45 years old, have brown hair and brown eyes, and weigh about 150 pounds. My race is German and Native American of the Blackfoot Tribe. Okay. It's also maybe dating profile, maybe? Yeah, this sounds like he might be on the prowl for something other than sorcery knowledge. I'm not saying a gay thing, but I just think werewolves would be on Grindr. Like, I just think that that's more their speed. You don't think they'd have a special app just for other wolves?

Nasher? Nasher, maybe? Yeah, it's probably Nasher. I realize that many of the things that I am about to say will be extremely hard to believe, even for witches. So I guess you had to assume you're a witch. I have no choice but to carry on and explain the material as it was presented to me. First, let me tell you how I came by this knowledge.

I was raised in a strict Christian home. So we're going in. Yeah, this is the damage homeschooling will do. Sean, the next sentence, I was homeschooled. Yeah. Everybody knows your shit instantly. Oh, you think you're a werewolf. Yeah, I got it. You're a horny homeschooler, no one to play Dungeons and Dragons with.

I fucking figured you out, Greg. It's incredible. It's about to happen. I had little contact with the outside world beyond the family farm. I never accepted Christianity as a child and wanted to be a ninja. Oh my god, this guy rules. This is the first page that we're on. You ever hear something and you're like, oh, that's just a different side of the coin for me.

Yeah, this is like- Yeah, that could have been you. This could have been any of us, yeah. Because you do run into werewolf ghosts on a good ninja adventure. Like, that's the third or fourth level you run into some werewolf ghosts. Usually you fight them- I mean, you're supposed to dispel them. Yeah, like, I never thought to sit down and and like write a book with one. It's real. This guy's a wild card.

I don't mean to run us on a tangent, but I recently told friends and family that I was gonna buy ninja shoes and everyone roasted me. I mean rightfully so, but also that shouldn't stop you. I'm buying them anyway. I made the appointment to go to the store in Japan and get ninja shoes. Oh, authentic! That's fantastic. Authentic ninja shoes. What color are you getting? Are you, uh...

Black, so I blend in with the night. Mm. Cause, uh, our good friend, friend of the show, Frank Dukes, says Navajo white is the most common type of paint. So if you had Navajo white ninja shoes, you could run up long walls invisibly. That's true. Yeah, I believe he specifically said it was the most common type of paint in a hotel. Right. So that you could you could hide your feet alone in a hotel. It'll make it look like I have no feet. Absolutely. What the fuck? Your foes will not know where your kicks are. And that's all the advantage you need against a werewolf ghost. Silver Sarecon! You wanted to be a ninja. After that, I wanted to be a rock star.

I never had any paranormal experiences and no knowledge of the occult, but I was kind of dreamy. At 16, a member of my parents' church began to talk to me about yoga, and I tried a little meditation. Okay. At 17 or 18, I had a spontaneous out-of-body experience, probably brought on by meditation, and then I knew the spiritual world was real through yoga. That could have gone worse. When he met a guy at church, I was like, uh-oh. It does sound like he might have gotten drugged by that guy he met at church, but we'll We'll give him the benefit of the doubt. He did a wizard thing while he was stretching.

I must have read a thousand books on the occult. I practiced thousands of rituals. I saw all kinds of spirits. I went out of body many more times. I joined a modern branch of the Golden Dawn and worked my way through all the grades. I even used the old Golden Dawn ritual for invisibility and went invisible in front of my ex-wife! At least that's what she treated it like. Yeah, seriously. She never texts me. I can only credit that to my Golden Dawn training. We've mentioned that he was homeschooled and he has an ex-wife. It's just into the second

page of his werewolf memoir. What a champion. You could not put your shit on display. What a champion indoor kid. Everything that I could possibly learn about magic, I learned it! Astrology, angels, demons, dragons, ghosts, crystals, yoga, tai chi, qigong, ninjutsu, satanism, toltek, kabbalah, daoism, grimoires, paganism, hypnotism, mind control, seances, everything. Yeah, the second he said I wanted to be a ninja, I already knew all of that.

I know exactly what his facial hair looks like. Oh, let's call that out right now. Timothy Dalton. It's like that wispy mustache and then that like straight down scraggly goatee. That's probably correct. I'm gonna go with soul patch only, but so long he can like braid it and put beads in it. Hmm. I've never seen that before. That's what I'm going with. I just know it smells like food. I've never seen that before. That's what I'm going with. I just know it smells like food.

Werewolf victims, you mean? Like fried chicken that werewolves eat? I've got a SpaghettiO smeared across the inside of a ninja mask. He's worn so long, it legally counts as his face. One day a friend came over to my house with a book he proudly claimed to have stolen from our local library. Oh my god. You know they give those to you for free, pal. It was called The Werewolf in Lore and Legend by Montague Summers. He said he felt compelled to give the book to me and did not know why. I know why. You're the local weirdo. Yeah. Yeah, you're

the magic weirdo. I did not know anything about werewolves at that time or that there were even any real books written on them. I want to stop you there. This fucking idiot just claimed he read every single book on all of those other subjects, and was not aware they even wrote books about werewolves. I'm just- something about this isn't quite adding up. Satanism, uh, demons, ghosts... The ghosts of a werewolf, you at least read about the ghosts, I'm sure they would have mentioned werewolf ghosts in there. That's one of the types of ghosts. I'm gonna make a call right here. I don't think there's any way to prove this.

This dude had that Time Life series of Secrets of the Unknown. And when he says he studied all those things, he read 15 Time Life books on these metaphysical things. That's my call. Yeah. He had the alphabetical set, but did not have W. Didn't get somebody. Somebody had taken that one.

Do you know the shame that I feel that I'm looking at one right now? I had the same set and I thought they were so awesome. I just I mean, those were advertised on TV like 10 times a day that do ghosts exists? Read the book like that was like just part of my childhood. I bought them from a paranormal bookstore. As an adult. Amazing. I don't have like a set but I think I have one or two I think I think almost anybody has one or two of those books floating

around. I sometimes give little windows into my childhood and there was about a year maybe year and a half where my mother decided medicine was a lie and she would heal headaches, not with aspirin, but with power crystals. And that's a real thing I had to live through. So if I had a headache, I'd be like, Mom, I got a headache. And she would make me lay on the couch and she would rub a power crystal near my head. And that's a real thing. That's not a joke. So I mean, I grew up with with sorcery.

You studied the blade. I studied the blade. We might be related. My mom's still there. The last I heard, she had said she was riddled with cancer. The doctor said she was riddled with cancer, which I don't think is a diagnosis, but that she had cured it all with shark oils, like mystical shark oil. My grandma tried to get me turtle oil. Turtle oil? Yeah, I don't know where they got the oil from the turtle, but

I guess sharks and turtles live a long time maybe? Yeah, you thought like, I don't know. Everybody's you're not supposed to touch a turtle. They have you get salmonella if you touch a turtle. Really? Yeah. All right. I didn't know that. Yeah, I've been touching turtles this whole time. And every turtle I got the I am caressing a turtle like a Bond villain.

One thing that I learned was that you did not become a werewolf by being bitten. That's only Hollywood. In the old days, they believed that werewolves were witches who had made a deal with the devil and then received a wolfskin belt. Mmm, okay. You got a sweet belt from the devil. Okay. The devil gave you a belt, is how it actually works.

Keep your pants up, son. He's like, don't cause me. You're walking around with your pants down, and wear the wolf belt! My first memory in this life is of a dream. And in that dream, there is a werewolf. Huh. That conflicts with the thing you said one sentence ago about how you had never heard of werewolves before. I was perhaps three years old. I can remember nothing in this life before the dream. In the

dream there was a small square black stone pit down in the gravel driveway of the house I was born into. I found myself down in the pit. The night was clear and cool. Stars shone brightly far above me in the sky. To my right was a werewolf. He was standing upright, wearing green pants and a pink button-up shirt with green suspenders. Hold on, hold on, I want to pause here.

The knight had like 19 adjectives, and then he's like, nearby was also a werewolf. Well, hold on, he's wearing green pants, a thing-putting-up shirt, and green suspenders. The werewolf had a shirt. The night itself was crisp and cool, and the stars shone like a thousand lights upon my bursting skin. The werewolf is dressed like he rides a penny-farthing bicycle. The werewolf is dressed like an ice cream man, I guess?

Hairy wolf feet extended from his pants, hairy clawed hands from his shirt sleeves, and his face was fully that of a wolf. His hair was blacker than the deepest black and moved slightly in the breeze. I just need to give him some time he got there. Very described. Yay. I feel like I have a mental... I feel like I know this wolf pretty well.

Like we could chill, we could be friends. Just random limbs bursting from an old man's clothes. I'm down, I'm down with this werewolf. You know what? I think he'd like these 10 werewolf puns from the AI website. God damn it, I knew it! I knew it! The whole time! Alright, Vanessa, if you are not familiar, I started off promoting our site with terrible, terrible AI puns made by punsteria.com and it has since morphed into I just try to hide them from Sean and then ambush them out of hatred. It no longer promotes the site in any way. It probably distracts. I bet if we had like listenership numbers, you would see a sharp drop off as soon as I do this bit. And I don't care.

So here are your 10 werewolf puns. Why did the werewolf cross the road? To get to the full moon party on the other side! Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh uhhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh I like it because it's not. I like that it's not a term. The robot invented an entire event and then squeezed it into a joke that, you know, is a cliché for the oldest joke. There's like some logic, like he's crossing the road, he likes full moons, there's a party. It's pretty good for this robot. How do you greet a werewolf? Nice to eat you. So you eat the werewolf. Right, you're something that hunts werewolves.

And you eat them. You devour them. Okay. That's that's hard. That's fucking hardcore. I guess that would a n- does a ninja eat werewolves? They definitely eat werewolves. We're ninjas in this joke and that makes it a 10 out of 10 joke for me. I bet the werewolf ghosts. Yeah. I bet they can do some sort of... Right. Some sort of jutsu. Slurp it up like spaghetti. To... Yeah, to power themselves. To get that werewolf power for, I don't know,

a fireball or something. Whatever ninjas do. When you're at your ninja shoe store, Vanessa, maybe you could ask how a ninja, properly, in the traditional manner, eats a werewolf ghost. What I'm excited for is because no one speaks English in that store, I have to speak that sentence into Google Translate, and then a little robot voice will say it

to the lady and then she'll pull a fire alarm. What do you call a werewolf comedian? A jester of fur. I hate that a lot. I hate that a lot. That one's... There's no attempt at a pun there. No, that's a lot. I hate that a lot. There's no attempt at a pun there. No, that's a failure.

If we were close enough right now, I would definitely throw something at. A kick! A karate chop! Perhaps a chop is worthy. What do you call a werewolf that skates- skateboards? A furry thrasher. So it's just, it's just adding like fur into, into descriptions. Can you bully a machine? I think that's what we're trying to do. I'm like right now.

You're a fucking nerd machine. Do the AI things comb podcasts yet? Because if so, they're going to get real hurt. Why they could have said like gleaming the tooth. Like that's almost cute, right? Yeah. I think I've lost my mind because of this, but like that's better, at least. Anything's better. What do you call a werewolf that can sing? A croon howler. That one feels racist. Yeah, I don't like that at all.

Yeah. There's some Dutch guy that just said, what the fuck did he say? Did you just call me that? Do you know what that means in my language? Uh, what is a werewolf's favorite jewelry? A silver necklace? It's hashtag howling fashionable. That's a police favorite kind of jewelry! That would burn it alive! It's fucking ridiculous! It's wrong and there's a hashtag and the hashtag is wrong. Howling fashionable isn't a thing.

You found like four ways to be wrong in that one. That's great. Jesus Christ. I can't decide what to dress up for as Halloween, werewolf or normal. It's a tough decision. I'm on the... fence. Oh. What? The two options for Halloween are werewolf or normal, and somehow the pun is the fence part.

Oh my god. And it very optimistically links you to 20 puns about- or 200 puns about fences. It's like my brain's neurons are just laughing at me. I'm like shooting them in every direction to try to solve this puzzle and they're all just laughing at me. I'm dressing up as normal for Halloween. I got bitten by a werewolf last night, but I'm fine. It was just lycanthropy soup.

Whoa. So it made a pun, lycanthropy soup. But what does that have to do with being easy and biting? Okay, so I got bitten by a werewolf last night, but I'm fine. It was just lycanthropy soup. So the thing that bit him was a can of lycanthropy soup, and he's fine. That does nothing. Like how you say it's simple, it's piece of soup. It's like a pun on that. Or like when somebody asks you, like, how are you doing? You're like, it's all soup, man.

Yeah, it's all soup, brother. That's what it is. What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a lamb? Mutton chop chop chop chop chop chop chop. Oh, he's finally saw like a classic robot malfunction. Yep. Yep. Okay, I like that one. That one's like a cartoon of an AI robot fucking up.

It had the old American classic. Squawk, chop chop, squawk. Might as well just be does not compute. 404 pun not found. Oh, that'd be cute. They should just throw that into every fifth or sixth one. Yeah, 404 pun not found. Oh, robot. Button chop chop chop chop chop. Yeah, I4 button, oh, robot. Button, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop.

Yeah, I got, it's broken. Your robot broke, I understand. And finally, how do werewolves make sure their coffee is extra hot? They add a little lycanthrope. Okay. What do you think it was trying to do there? Lycanthrope, I'll give them that's a pun,

like you have a can-do attitude, don't be like Cantthrope. This is like when you put a cantaloupe in your coffee. That's what they were doing, okay, I get it. When you're trying to bring down the heat and you put an entire cantaloupe in your coffee. Yep. Except for they want it extra hot. So it's like when you try to heat up your coffee

by microwaving a cantaloupe and then putting it in your coffee as the extra heat it needs. That makes sense. That's why I microwave the cantaloupe. The only reason. That's why that happened, honey. I swear. I was trying to heat up my werewolf coffee. I've never tried to heat it up to 98.7 degrees. Why is there that tiny little hole in it? And I say, honey, it's a pretty good hole. It's a pretty decent sized hole, honey.

And that's when she slaughters you for being a robot. Only a robot would say that fucking shit. You have to put a second hole behind it, or else suction happens. But not the fun kind. Suck in your microwaved robot sex scandal. I think we accidentally wrote a werewolf AI pun. Like the nonsense we got to there, I think rivals what we just sat through. You're right.

You just gotta follow it far enough. Yup. Alright, he has just met the werewolf. I felt fear for perhaps the first time in my life. Remember, he is three years old. He has no memory before. His first memory is pit fear with werewolf. I did not know how I came to be in the pit. I wanted to leave. The wolf was

chained to the wall of the pit. I noticed there were stone steps leading up out of the pit. For some reason, my shoes were slippery and every time I tried to take a step, my foot would slip. Slippery toddler shoes. It seemed I was doomed to stay in the pit forever. The werewolf did not seem to notice me and simply stared up into the night sky. Alright. The werewolf would not acknowledge you in this dream. All the best books open with a three-year-old's dream. I think we can all agree to that. Yeah. That's how the Bible starts. You needed to know that.

With a werewolf dressed like an ice cream man not paying attention to you as your slippery toddler shoes slip all over the place. Relatable. And now it is time for the ritual of werewolfery. He calls it werewolfery. Oh boy. This guy's country. Werewolfery! On a Monday, which is the day of the moon, the planet that rules the art of werewolfery, which is what I always say about Mondays. Or on a Tuesday!

What? What is happening? So it has to take place either on the Monday, the day of the moon, the planet for wool. Tuesday. What? What is happening? So it has to take place either on the Monday, the day of the moon, the planet for wolf, where wolf or Tuesday. The planet moon, which comes out on Monday. Yeah, no, okay, this guy's homeschooling went really well. Or if that doesn't work, Tuesday is good too. Or on a Tuesday, draw or paint the magic square of Marcosius on the bare side of the skin of a wolf.

Around this square, add the sigil of Marcosius. Add to this your name, or a symbol of your name, and light some incense or lavender. Oh nice. A scent of the moon or dragon's blood from Mars or both, and pass the wolfskin through the incense. If you cannot get a wolfskin, use a clean white linen." Okay, so you can just use a sheet if you don't have a wolfskin. I'm sorry, I laughed before the end of that sentence. If you cannot get a wolfskin, use a clean white linen to hold the spiritual power of the wolf.

Imagine being the mother that has to keep cleaning sheets that have been used for wolf ritual. Or she's like, I'd rather be hum. Yeah, that would be far less embarrassing. Look, I know homeschooling wasn't great. But do I have to teach you what jacking off is? Because it's not this. It's not you don't there's no incense. It's not about wolves. I know something went wrong. Got access to the internet too early, I wasn't there. As you contain the spiritual power of the wolf in a clean linen sheet, say a prayer to the Lord of the Forest, the devil, by whatever names you know him.

The sheet is for the devil? Old stretch. I don't think he's gonna like that. And ask for success in your work. What the devil? Old stretch. I don't think he's gonna like that. And ask for success in your work. What the fuck? This is just for success at work. Help me finish my Pizza Hut shift. Oh great stretchy.

This is for success at work. Ask for success at work and you will receive a wolf demon as a soul to fill your spirit to help you with work chores? The first wolf spell is work chores. It's work chores. You have to consult the devil to help you with work chores? The first wolf spell is work chores. It's work chores. You have to consult the devil to help you at work? I feel like you could just go to the training. Okay, later it says you can also ask for strength or power.

So those are add-ons. Work was the first. The very first one. On the day of Mars or the Moon, purchase or create an oil that is safe for the skin and contains the scent of Mars or the Moon. When the oil is in your hands, go immediately to a secret place and say the prayer to the Lord of the Forest.

Ask again for success at your work." Okay, so we're going someplace alone with really lubricated hands. And a sheet to catch it. Check. Check. Already done. What's next? When ready to use the skin, take the oil in Wolfskin from the secret place and say,

There are sorcerers who, having anointed their bodies with an ointment which they made by instinct of the devil, Put on the oil, and putting on an enchanted girdle, putting on the- Wait, no, that is right. That's what you say. Put on the girdle. Okay, like a hernia belt or like a cock ring? Like what kind of girdle are we talking? I thought for a second that I read the wrong thing, but no, this is the part you're supposed to say. You're supposed to say there are certain sorcerers who, having anointed their bodies with an ointment, which they made by instinct of the devil and putting on an enchanted girdle,

do seem to themselves and others to have become wolves in appearance, in strength, and in power, as long as they shall wear the skin. That's just a description of what you think a werewolf is. Yeah. Yeah. Did he insert the wrong part? Anyway, you're oiled up. You're oiled up describing how you're oiled up to the night,

to the crisp, moonful night. Spend some time in the skin, about five minutes. Okay. Give it five minutes. Okay. Give it five minutes. Take note of any sensations or magical knowledge gained from the transformation in the next five minutes. You may also lie down and practice astral projection. When you have returned, take off the wolf skin, stomp the feet, or take on one of the physical body movements called the magical passes of the Toltecs. In Asterisk, it says, flex the muscles of the body into a magical pass and return to normal.

I have a new theory. This guy got caught jerking off, and this is his elaborate explanation for what he was doing out there in the Shed. Yes. So, he's definitely got a girdle. That could be part of it. Like maybe he wants to look good for himself. I understand that. Yeah, I do it in a mirror.

Could be. Yeah, he's oiled. Gotcha, he's got a sheet to catch it. It's for the devil, but it makes him better at work. I don't know what the work is. So maybe his boss caught him jerking off. He's like, what are you doing back here? Oh no, this is for you.

This is for my efficiency here at Pizza Hut. I went away to a secret place, the janitor's closet, and spent about five minutes... Just passing the sheet. You know what they say, you know the old saying, piece of sheet. I hear the music is the next chapter. Occasionally I would practice this ritual, have just done as part of my regular magical practice. I had a few small things happen because of it, such as I dreamed of a small grey wolf

that wanted to play with me. That's not a super badass werewolf dream. That's a puppy dream, and it's adorable. I also had an experience that there was a werewolf spirit that briefly stepped into my body because there was a sensation of wolf under the skin. Hahaha! A little sensation of wolf. Sensation of wolf.

This is like his band name. And then I came up with my band name and that's why this chapter is called, Hear the Music. A sensation of wolf! An energy began to build up around me that was thick and hot and red. The sensation of transformation and the wolf in the skin began to get stronger and stronger. I started to hear music, a strange haunting song. I am a guitar player, so I would pick up my guitar and try to make the sounds I was hearing. It was exceedingly difficult and I struggled with the piece for months.

One day, as I was playing the piece on the guitar, I had a strange feeling come over me. It was as if I was transported to another dimension, a dream so strong it seemed real. In the distance there was a small castle surrounded by a moat, willow trees hung low over the water, and the scene was tranquil and imbued with power. I began to write a story based around the scene. Like the song itself, it was not from me, but rather something that I could hear and see. I placed myself as a character in the story. Okay.

So he's writing a song on his acoustic guitar, and he's writing some fan fiction about... I don't think he's writing a song. I think he's trying to talk to wolves with his guitar. And then he's writing a song. I think he's trying to talk to wolves with his guitar. Yeah. And then he's writing wolf fanfiction. Are this cooler than a song about werewolfery? Why is it? Not by like, an amount that matters. Not by an amount that is worth debating.

In this story, there was a master werewolf who lived in the castle. I needed a name for the master werewolf and one sprang to my mind powerfully. It was Valentius! I don't know where I got the name. You made it up? Yeah. Right from GoBots or some shit, you dumb idiot. I wrote a short story that included Valentius in the castle and placed it in the back of a book on werewolves just for fun. We're having fun. I decided that I would try to make a diary to record my experiences and begin to practice seriously.

So now we're journaling. We're journaling about it. I didn't tell anyone about the diary because the first rule of werewolf club is you don't talk about werewolf club. No way. No way. Oh shit. I thought this guy couldn't be a bigger nerd.

Jesus Christ. I was actually wondering, the first rule of Werewolf Club is you don't talk about Werewolf Club. I mean, we all agree that's a terrible thing to say beneath the contempt of anyone, but also, like, you're fucking writing a book about it. It's not true or funny in a way that I find frustrating, maybe more so than an AI pun. If he was nearby, I'd throw such a karate chop! My wolf skin is made from an old blue tapestry with a pagan looking Celtic knot on it so he does not have a wolf skin. He's jerking off into a curtain. Yeah into a curtain with a Celtic knot. There was so much energy around me because of my work. I was high from it all the time.

High on just high on life, high on werewolf life. The diary gave me such sharp high on diary life. So it really is so sad. If you picked up this book, sincerely hoping to become a werewolf, and this guy's talking about how the positive feeling he gets from journaling, that's really frustrating. And yoga. And yoga. I was also doing a lot of yoga and body movement practice.

It'll help you at your job. Oh, hold on, it was a song. When I would play the werewolves song on the guitar, I would feel their spirits gather around me to listen. So he's playing a little concert for them. Playing Warren's Yvonne. Let's see, I'm going to skip forward a little bit because I think yep Okay, here's a section now this this for the record is page 17 one day

I was out on the porch of the place I was staying and I had a vision there was a woman she had on an Elegant black dress and it had purple and red flowers sewn into it Her hair was piled up high on her head in the style of the day, and she had a low-cut dress with her breasts barely covered at the nipples. Okay. Wow, it took so many more pages than we thought it would. Seventeen! We had to go through Christian homeschooling, acoustic guitars, journaling?

Yeah, he had to give us the how to masturbate before, like, about what we're masturbating. One leg extended from her dress in a provocative way. I had a moment to take all of this in and grasp what I was seeing. She was attractive, yet there was something very much the whore about her. Oh my god. Very much the whore about her. Just like this kind of guy. She couldn't even imagine a woman without calling her a whore.

Her eyes looked like that of a dog. I heard people laughing in the distance, and she looked at me and said something that horrified me. Why shouldn't we eat the little ones? Jesus. I knew what she was. A werewolf. And I was terrified.

So aren't you becoming a werewolf? Aren't you playing songs for the werewolves? What did you think a werewolf was? He's only 150 pounds. Maybe he thought she meant him. She haunts me. Her makeup was so thick that she almost looked like a clown by today's standards. I call her the Painted Lady, Valentia, and she scares me. Later on, the Valentius appears.

Just call me Valentius, a voice says. I am the werewolf in your story, the master, the teacher. I am here to help you. I am outside of you so I can see things you can't. This werewolf business is easy for me. So he's like a hustler from the 1940s. Werewolf business is easy for me, kid. Let me show you what's up.

I can step in and out of your body. I can show you how to do all kinds of things if you listen to me. So getting a little- a little erotically charged. What are you afraid of? He asks. I went down the list of fears about my life. This is gonna take a while. Starting with women, moving on to my boss, being caught masturbating at work.

All of which have come true. all of which I have faced. I not necessarily survived intact. So he met this werewolf, this masterful werewolf, who was like, I can step into your body, come with me. What are you afraid of? And his response was, well, I'm afraid of a lot of things. I'm afraid of bugs. I'm afraid of getting dirty. How much time you got, buddy? I'm afraid of when a horse looks me in the eyes.

Definitely afraid of horses. They can bite. You know that? Uh, I said I was afraid about getting my books finished and in print and finding the right editors. You're telling the werewolf this. I said I was worried about getting a job. Did he?

This is self-published, I'm sure, right? Yes. Okay. So that fear came true. I said that I was afraid because I had spent the last 14 months writing books and I really wanted to go out and find a new girlfriend and have a life. I would not. I'm sorry, like a therapist I might have told, I would not tell this to a werewolf master.

I wouldn't admit this under direct. Meanwhile Valentius is like, I thought we were gonna fuck. That was like a prelude to what are you afraid of, I'm not afraid of anything, I inserted in you and you learned something about yourself. Only of my own passion, Valentius. That's what I would have said. Then we would have wolf-fucked the whole moonful night. Then he said he was the one who gave me the song that calls werewolves.

You know I did. You know you didn't know how to do that stuff on guitar. That changed from a minor key to a major key and back again. That is a werewolf technique from the classic master. Oddly enough, the song was Boogie in Your Butt by Eddie Murphy. It was true. The song was hauntingly beautiful, it was not something I could have written. Okay. Low confidence werewolf. I love it.

He told me a lot of things about my life in rather harsh terms, taking the time to criticize me as lazy and weak. God damn! He's just, so far I think he's really just had a confrontation with his own insecurities, and he's losing. And he's framed it as a conversation with a werewolf ghost, but like, the main meat of this conversation is here's what I'm afraid of, here's what I'm insecure about, the end. Oh, maybe there's a twist. Maybe here comes a twist. I'm sorry, I interrupted.

You interrupted, here's the twist. He then said he had a magical alchemical formula he wanted to teach me, presumably to fix all the things that are wrong with me, through a series of talismans and I was to get a notebook and draw them. Okay. Here are the five talismans, I will describe them in order, and these are the talismans of the werewolf that I guess are the werewolf magic. All right I'm writing these down. The first talisman. This talisman has a triangle in the center, upon which is written on the sides, temporary celibacy, diet control, and control addictions. Temporary celibacy? Oh no. Okay, this is just the triangle that my therapist makes me draw out,

where she's like, on one end put your feelings, and on the other end put your thoughts, and then on the other end put your feelings, and on the other end put your thoughts, and then on the other end put your actions. It looks very mystical. There are little mystical symbols all around it, but then in very plain font at the bottom of the triangle it does say temporary celibacy. That's incredible. And control diet on the other side. I'm not, I'm not lonely, I'm not a lonely virgin, I'm temporarily celibate. Through, through werewolf magic, by the virtue of werewolf magic. Once I finish getting these talismans drawn, that's when I'll get the ladies.

The three symbols of alchemy are placed around the edges of the triangle. Salt, the body, is connected to diet control. Mercury, the mind, temporary celibacy. And mercury again for semen. Okay. Mercury twice for temporary celibacy and semen. Jesus Christ. These are the orders of alchemical fire because when these things are done the body begins to heat up,

the sperm heats up within it, the belly and the digestive force also heat within it, and diet control affects this. So you're heating up your sperm? This is how to get hot sperm in you. Okay, I got it. I think he's saying that if you do sperm retention, that will be good for your diet. Like, I think you'll you burn calories because your sperm is getting so agitated, being contained with it, pressurized within you. Just bouncing around in there. It's getting all whipped up in there.

Sperm is getting swolled, just getting gains down there. Because it's not intentional celibacy, it's temporary. He's like... Temporary? It's only a temporary matter. I'll start dating after I lose the fat, after my sperm retention has gotten my six pack back. I thought the werewolf was gonna fuck me but then I started telling him about my fears. The second talisman represents the work done in secret.

This can be several kinds of work, primarily the work of magic. By that, I mean invocations of spirits, and by that, I mean the body movements of yoga. Oh buddy. That's a lot of words to say, do some yoga. Just do some yoga. Yeah. Why you gotta make everything weird? That's what that one's about.

Reading about and casting magic is nothing. The body control and postures of yoga are what change you. Consider magic disproven. You heard it here first. Magic's not real, only yoga. This is in the middle, towards the end of a book of magic. He's like, all the magic was bullshit. I'm trying to trick you into doing yoga, it's good for you. A lot of people mistake lightning bolts for hamstrings. It's just a common error wizards make all the time. And here are the 11 parts of the secret talismans. The Taoist Tantra. The Taoists of China developed an incredible magic tradition.

I encourage you to find the book Taoist Secrets of Love Cultivating Male Sexual Energy. Oh no. Okay, so he is like a sperm retention guy. Sperm retention guy. He's a no nut decade. No nut werewolf month. It's every Monday. No nut werewolf day. Or Tuesday. I mean Tuesday's work too. Any of the days, any of the planet moon days. Yoga is a vast science so I recommend the Kundalini Yoga book taught by Yogi Bajan. You will experience a flexibility of body such as you have never known!

Bajan. You will experience a flexibility of body such as you have never known! Breath control, for this I recommend a small book called Ninja Power of the Mind by Toshitora Yamashiro. The breath and hand mudras given in this book awaken subtle powers. And alchemy cold baths. Oh, I bet cold baths, buddy. In the Al Ghul system, the witch is instructed to pull sunlight in through tiny beams in the eyes and to take cold showers or baths. For understanding the power of the cold bath, see Wim Hof, an American master of this peculiar power. An American master of the cold bath is what he just said. I'm gonna have to look up these fucking books, aren't I? Probably. Yeah you are. The last talisman is work done in the world. In that sense, it is the opposite of the second talisman, which you'll remember is yoga. Uh...

The key to this talisman is a hunting strategy devised by the Toltec. It is called stalking. Ha ha ha ha ha. Go on her Facebook. Try to identify her house from her pictures. The definition of stalking is this. Unbending intent toward a goal. It can be defined as the art of getting your way. When this form of strategy is applied to an animal, it produces the removal of a threat or a meal.

When it is applied to a human being, it produces the destruction of an enemy, the training of a disciple, or a sexual relationship. Okay. He finally gets one of those. Yeah, so he's advising you to stalk women. To destroy them or fuck them. This is the symbol, the talisman, of stalking women. For the purposes of sex.

Or destruction. Or to make them an enemy and crush them. The other principal powers of stalking can be applied to all areas of life such as human relationships, business clients, customers, etc. That's all of them? Oh shit. It's about providing good customer service and stalking women is what werewolf magic is about. That's what I'm all about. Is what werewolf magic is about.

Oh shit, okay. Those are the three main talismans, there are a few more. They're just kind of repeating themselves. So I will read up to the final notes here. Yeah, he said there's 11? That's too many talismans. Yeah, that's too many talismans. The final notes, I mean, you've got all you really need here. You've got staying temporarily celibate, controlling your diet, doing some yoga, and then stalking the shit out of a woman. Yeah. That's what else is there for a Christian homeschooled werewolf.

Final notes. Stay hungry. Stay horny. Stay sober most of the time. To carry. To carry out. Drink in moderation. Never come. Stretch until you can fit through a tennis racket. Sorry, I was just trying to sum up. To carry out the art of stalking takes practice.

Use the talismans, the four-year-olds themselves have a tendency to produce mastery over time, and the end result will be long life and wisdom. A werewolf is not immortal, but the power rightly used can produce a life of great length and quality of experience. Beyond this I can tell you no more, for I must undertake the work myself. This will be written in a diary of a skinwalker. Since I have now explained my journey up to this point, it is time to begin the diary of the work. In this diary I will attempt to carry out the formulas described by Valentius the werewolf

and record the results. So currently I begin to push upon this first door. Here I go! Blank pages provided for notes the rest of the book is blank. Amazing. Have you? So how many pages of actual text are there? There are 39 pages.

Okay. And have you done the journalism to follow up and see if he did become a werewolf after? I guess I'm a little disappointed that this is like, here's how you become a werewolf. In theory, I just heard this from a ghost. I'm going to go try it by. This could have been a Reddit. This could have been a Reddit, absolutely. I promise you this was a subreddit. This is a whole subreddit of cum retention werewolves,

and they're just getting madder matter and matter for the beast inside. And they're all stalking women. I like the final, stay hungry, stay horny, here I go diarying, watch me, watch me journal. And then it's blank pages because I can't watch you journal. You said watch you journal, not me journal. He chose the words quality of life. And I do think that sitting alone journaling about how you're not coming and you kind of know a werewolf, a dead werewolf, I would put that on the lower end of quality of life. Yeah.

Doing invisible ninjitsu in front of your ex-wife, telling everyone about your dreams and doing lots of yoga. I did follow up on this guy. It's the pen name of Diablito Ordo Algul. No. No. Yes. You mentioned Algul. You mentioned El Gul in there.

I'm like, is that the same El Gul? Oh, that's fucking awesome. So this guy just went on to like write down his dreams every night for two years and- He has a pen name. And he needed another way to do something either less or more embarrassing. I'm not sure what that is,

but this is a hot dog classic Diablito Ordo El Gul who wrote a lot of books about doing yoga and having a good diet and not coming for the devil to please the devil. So I guess that wasn't enough. He's now doing it to be a werewolf too. But it's funny that they're all the same things. Don't come. Don't talk to my ex-wife.

Tell everyone your dreams. Stay hungry, stay horny. So, you're an astunde! Come on, you kids, you do mom! Einstein, who do? Einstein, who do? Frankfurt! Einstein, who do? New Year! Einstein, who do? Frankfurt!

Einstein, who do? Einstein, who do? Frankfurt! Einstein, who do? New Year! Yeah, 9000! Screeeeet! I, Brokell the Brocain, proclaim myself ruler of all Hot Dog-o-Me. From each of your kingdoms send to me your finest warriors, your champions, your... Supremes!

Aaron Crosston, H Aidan Mouat From the Kingdom of Nolenburg, it's... Alex Nolenburg, a mighty little meat Alpha Scientist Javo Unendi Armando Navar Bim Talter, do not disgrace your kind! You're disgracing your kind right now, aren't you?

Brendan Garlok Brian Saylor Burrito Serol Cheddar Wolf From the Kingdom of Cheddar Wolfia Who had a really cool design but just never got a moment Clementine Danger

Common Sense Greg Lemoine Half-man, half-horse, all-man Quaibas Daniel Sloan, Devon, the Rogue Supreme. David Schull has a sword that commands God. That really fucks up the stakes, can you leave it at home?

Dean Costello, Delta Foxtrot. Doug Redmond, Wild and Free, who has vowed not to disgrace his kind, oh god damn it dog redmond already Drayston Dusty's red title is a swamp hag who looks pretty good when you're drunk Fancy shark Gareth Chilla hole good Satan and his hot witches comes with special wings special decorative wings not for flight! Greg Cunningham, Haraka, Harvey Penguini, Honk, King of Honkonia, where the mighty Honkies live and play!

Jaber Al-Aiden, James Boyd, Jared Mountainman, Jared Ruiz, just your classic hallway panther, you better have a panther pass. Jeff Oraski. John Dean. John McCammon. John Minkoff. Joseph Sears. Josh S. Joshua Graves. From the Kingdom of Justinia, Justin V is beautiful.

And no other thing, it's what the B stands for. Ken Basley. K&M. Kummutsas. Lane Haygood. Lisa is a magician who put her mind in the body of a hawk. Ken Basely! K&M Kum Mutsas Lane Hagood Lisa is a magician who put her mind in the body of a hawk just so she wouldn't have to walk. M. Jahi Chappelle

Mark Mahoney has vowed not to disgrace his ga- ah just kidding, just kidding, what a disgrace. Matt Riley! Max Faroi! Mercenary Sisad Min Michael Dillon is a hawk trapped in the body of a magician. Don't deny it. Be proud of who you are. Screa! Michael Lehr, Mickey Loman, Mike Styles, Mort, Moju, Mr. Bob Gray is leader of the mighty lizard men. Mr. Bob Gray has been slain. ND, Neil Bailey, Neil Schaeffer, Neku104, Onri Weevil from the Onri Kingdom of Weevonia,

champion of the Weevonia Warrior Games, by Forfeit. Ozzy Olin, Patrick Kupst, Rhiannon, Sarkovsky,chase. Cid is a magical lightning hawk, whose purpose remains unclear. Go to school, lightning hawk! Spotty reception. Sovannat. Tator's Tales from the noble Tator Kingdom of Tatornia, with a sword that makes polite requests of God. That's more reasonable.

Teth-H. Thomas Kavatsos. Tibulehi. Toasty God. That's more reasonable. Ted H. Thomas Kavatzos. Dibi Lahi. Toasty God. Tommy G. Velo turns into a mighty Chimera when angered. Or aroused. Or confused. He might actually just be a Chimera. Booster. Whale and Brussels. Zack and Ava. Wild and free Centaur champions who ride into battle on one another. Each of their human parts on the horse parts but not their own, it's complicated. And finally, from Danonia comes young, quick and deadly Dan B. Hooray Dan B, you only have seconds to do something cool before this whole thing gets

cancelled.