The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - Episode 194, Celebrity Cartoons with Erik Barnes

Episode Date: September 25, 2024

Seanbaby and Hana Michels welcome special guest, Erik Barnes to the DOGGZZONE to discuss cash grab cartoons, birds... so many birds, AND just how attractive you REALLY find horses. Answer: We don't want to know, (DM us)

1-900-HOT-DAUGHT 1-900-HOT-DAUGHT Our podcast slams with maximum hype Say hot dog podcast, word Yeah When you taste that nitrate power You're in the dog zone for an hour Come on

You know the number 1-900 1-900-HOT-DAUGHT Welcome to the Dog Zone 9000, the official podcast of 1900hotdog.com. We are the last comedy website. What we do is very complicated. We find the most insane books, movies, and whatevers, and make fun of them with well-paid, world-class comedy writers. Please join our Patreon and support their brave and frivolous efforts. Patreon.com slash 1900hotdog.

It's easy and you get daily articles, Discord events, bonus podcasts. I'm Sean Mipri from the internet. My hot dog co-founder Robert Brockway is on hiatus. He's supervising bulge outreach in Honktovia. This week, his co-hosting duties, of which there are none, are replaced by Chaos, Pixie, and local favorite, Hannah Michaels. Hello! Welcome back, Hannah.

Oh, I said hello fast. Hi. That's what I like hello fast. Hi. That's what I like about you. You're quick on the hello. It's always great having you on the show. And I love the the madness and chaos you bring. It's always great being here. Do you have something to plug? I'm in limbo right now. I would like to plug either my coaching business if a couple of pilots that are in meetings that people

business if a couple of pilots that are in meetings that people that I am not privy to don't make it. And if I do, if they do make it, then I don't think I'm allowed to share the names of those either way. All right. So the decision makers at Hulu Paramount Plus, I don't know what projects are working on. If you're listening, give a green light to the Hannah Michaels project. Oh, they don't even know I'm involved yet. I'm a jump scare. Well, I guess let's... My ex brings me on them later. It's fantastic. I'm very excited. I'm looking forward to it. Our guest is a writer for Some More News. You may have read his work on Cracked or BunnyEars.com. He's Eric Barnes.

Hello. Hey, nice to meet you. Welcome to the show. Nice to meet you too. I'm happy to be in the Dog Zone 9000. It's the best place to be. I would say, yeah. It truly is. I actually know what project you wanna plug.

You sent me a video of it today and it was completely rad. Aw, thanks man. I actually showed it to my seven year old daughter and I took some quotes from her. Why don't you describe the project and then I'll tell you what she said about it. Most definitely. I have been helping David Igoe, who is a creative director and has worked for Sideshow Collectibles

and Tweet Her Head. And he has created a new action figure IP that is an homage to all the toys who grew up in the 80s and 90s called Monsters. And how I fit in is that I am one of the midwives to the birth of his creation and helped with some of the writing of the lore and just as a creative consultant for characters and accessories and all that type of stuff. And we have a Kickstarter out for the first two action figures of hopefully, if the Kickstarter goes through waves upon waves of toys and maybe even other other media stuff to show off.

Well, some of the fun, creative stories and characters and bits that David, David, myself and the rest of the team have come up with. And where can we find that Kickstarter? Kickstarter.com and search for Monstors, M-O-N-S-T-O-R-S. Sean, baby, I can provide a link to the Kickstarter if that's helpful for the description. I think it'd be very helpful. Or for social media. And also a link to the commercial that I sent to you both.

And yeah, that tells you everything that, that tells you everything the toys are and they're great. It's true. I did like that it was like really sincere. Like obviously it's kind of a throwback to the 90s era action figures, but it wasn't like a wink, wink, aren't we so cute? It was just like, no, this is these are rad as shit.

The whole purpose and goal was to be kind of a homage to Masters of the Universe TMNT Street Sharks, but also let it be its own thing and appeal to both adults and little people like your seven year old, which I'd love to hear her feedback. Okay, if you want to use these for pull quotes, she just was instantly like, okay, she got it. And then she says, oh my God, you can make your own monster. Like she's already using the nomenclature. Yes! And then she says, this is a quote, I love this,

dad, we have to get it, we have to get them all. Oh! Put that on the box, Rebel Riley. Rebel Timecop Riley. Oh, put that on the box. Rebel Riley, this rebel timecop Riley. Oh, hell yeah. Oh, thank you. Thank you, rebel. Oh, that's I'm going to tell my bosses and he's going to he's going to do whatever he does because I don't I don't know.

I won't I won't be on the other end, but I presume he will smile a big giant smile, maybe cry, maybe wet himself with joy. I don't know, maybe all of those things. We'll see. Well, her last name is R-E-I-L-E-Y. Her middle name is spelled Time Cop. We're talking about stupid celebrity cartoons. I asked you both to pick one with the prompt, you know, something like Hammerman, because I really like when something or someone gets popular and during the course of the merchandising, it just gets mashed into the wrong media. Like, Mr. T is one of my favorite celebrities because I love the A-Team, I love Rocky III.

Most everything Mr. T does is pretty fun. Then he became like in the frenzy, he became air fresheners, he became a soap on a rope. There's also, they made a cartoon of him where he was like a crime fighting children's gymnastics coach. Oh yeah. And I love how it's crazy, but crazy in a way that feels like rushed and desperate and like schizophrenic. Like we don't know why this is popular, just fucking make a cereal out of it.

And so. Just something for them to consume. They, kids love the tea. And I think we've had some good choices, like spanning the gamut of like motivation and competency. So Eric, you're our guest. Why don't you start or choose not to start. You could start speaking about your favorite birds.

Nothing matters. Brockway is the staff adult. And with him gone, there's no rules. Hey, fuck you, Brockway. No, I immediately retract that. I'll. Hey, fuck you, Brockway. No, I immediately retract that. I'll say it, fuck you, Brockway. Oh, God. He is very vengeful.

He is, he'll get you. And it won't be like, oh, years from now, this must be Brockway's revenge. No, it's like this week. Oh, he'll beat me. You will be stabbed. He'll beat me in a game on a podcast, like the next time we talk. Hana, happy to team up with you again to take down

Rockaway or whoever stands on I used to be writing partners For a lot of internet stuff that you might be able to a lot of places that are I was gonna say Is funnier dice still a thing? I don't know no, but paste is still there Paste is still there. Yeah, yeah, I know. They're no longer accepting satire, but they still exist as a website. That's nice. So if you want to go back to the lovely times of 2016 and find out the things that aroused Mike Pence for some reason, we can help you with that.

Yeah, we made a list. I think about it all the time. No need to go back. It's fresh in my brain. Still do. Oddly enough, we didn't put getting lynched on the list because we're not prognosticators. Well, yeah, you're not prophets. You're not comment writers. No. Also, it's not horses. People who read it, it's that specific horse that we were picturing.

It's just the one horse. It's the one horse. Get it right right people. Not all. Hashtag not all horses if hashtags are still a thing. Do you think was it a particularly hot horse? Like, is that something we could agree on? Or is horse hotness too subjective? It's a stupid question. It was a particularly stern horse. Sean, baby, I do think that horse attractiveness is in the eye of the beholder.

If you were to find that horse attractive, I would just say, all right. Would you be embarrassed if you wanted to fuck the same horse as Mike Pence? The horse gave off mother vibes. It gave off Pence vibes. It was very, it was very a mother, mare, maternal horse. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Back to the topic at hand. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Back to the topic at hand. Uh sure. No, no. Uh Hannah, it was me that made the

tangent. That was a tangent? This is not a horse fucking episode. Oh, I gotta change my notes already. Uh Hannah, I know that whenever you and I are in a room together, it's just a series of us apologizing all the time back and forth but we we have to fix that for that's true. Otherwise, we'll be here all evening. Also. I'm constantly telling coaching clients to stop doing that and retract it whenever they do so And then you apologize after yes for telling them what to do Yes, yes, I do first I want to I want to tell you the the one that I love the only one well not only one but the one that I

Like but I didn't pick because back in the day, I did not know this was a celebrity. It was after the fact. It's Life with Louie, if you two ever seen that show. Okay, sure. Yeah. Do you consider Louie Anderson-

That's probably one of the good ones. It's one of the good ones and it was funny. Yeah. But at age 10, I didn't know who the fuck Louie Anderson was. Why would I? He's just a comedian that wasn't in really in movies or he just did bit parts and all that I didn't make the association but sure what coming to America I think was a movie everyone's seen that he's in Oh, that's right. Yeah, he was was was he a doorman? What was he in that one?

He worked I think the fries when That's what it was, yeah. When Amy Murphy got the job at McDowell's. That's right. That's right. Yeah. It's a Louie Anderson podcast now. Sorry, my brain just did the old person thing where you just flash back to a time and place and you can't get back to the now.

Let me bring you back, Hannah. Thank you. Because we're not talking about- We're talking about horses. We're not talking about that. We're not talking about- We're talking about horses. We're not talking about that. We're not talking about how attractive horses could be. The fuck we aren't. What we're going to talk about is the first celebrity cartoon, or at least my nomination

for weird or bad or sad or just how the hell did this happen, celebrity Saturday morning cartoon, which is WishKid starring McCauley Culkin. Nice. A former boss of ours Yes, that's right you and Hanna worked for mr. Colkin at bunny ears.com. Yeah He he gave my not yet boyfriend a lap dance. Oh my that's an HR issue He fed me and a bunch of other writers developing Survivor series tweets for him pizza at home, and it took every ounce of energy in my body not to say, oh, a whole cheese pizza,

just for you? Yeah. Do you think he would have been okay with that, right? He would. I guess you know him better than me. But I didn't know him that well at the time. Okay. So I just, it was my first time meeting him face to face

and all that. Sweetheart of a gentleman. And that's what made this cartoon so painful because... It's not very good. Of course it wasn't. Because it only lasted one season and it's an obvious cash grab to the popularity of him exploding with Home Alone at the time. Hell, they even include the Home Alone screen. I have a promo just to understand the hype that we were feeling in 1991. Here's the promo. Unbelievable. I get to be on a Saturday morning show at NBC. It's called

WishKid. Watch it. Macaulay Culkin is WishKid this fall. That's all they advertise. Really gets you pumped. Nope. Me, a cartoon. Watch, please. Me. That's the whole content. And if there's one thing we know about child stars, it's that they get what they wish for. Exactly. It's true, every time. Exactly, Hana.

Speaking of wish, because the premise is he has a magic baseball glove that whenever he punches, he can make one wish with it, that last, one wish a week, because every week is a Saturday. That lasts an indeterminate amount. It seems like the wish can last maybe an hour, maybe a day, but it always wears off right when it would kill him.

Yes, yes, exactly. And you can definitely tell this was a rush job, given that week of a premise, the fact that the catchphrase that they choose is just, yo, baby. Yeah, that's super weird. So I think I know why that's the catchphrase. Oh yeah?

Yeah, so they wrote the theme song and the theme song is based on Chantilly Lace, if everyone remembers the song from the 50s. It was kind of filthy. It was about a lady named Chantilly Lace and how she was like, at least doing hand stuff with the big bopper while he was recording the song. And so they took that and like made a whole spoof of it. I actually, I pulled that too. This is the Wish Kid theme.

Yo, baby! This is the Wish Kid. Once I wished when it started, it blew in my window cup bluey. Now I can have any wish I want, but only once a week. Yo, baby! Yeah, I am a muscle man, big and strong. Big old wish won't take too long. You should see me fly, speak across the sky. I can do no wrong, wrong, wrong.

It's time to have the power to make the bully holler. Before I'm done, on the run, I'll have pain just like a bullet pain Y'all, baby, this is what I want I'm like a I- Oh, I can- I can- I think we get it. Uh, yeah. Okay, are we sure that this cartoon existed that year and this wasn't something made by AI now

and it's kind of a Mandela effect thing? That's an interesting question. That's an amazing question. Yeah. Probably. I'm going to say probably. Although I found more stuff about it. The AI really spread its tendrils across the entire internet because when that show got re-aired, I guess they couldn't afford the rights to Chantilly Lace parody money. So they took out all the lyrics. So that whole thing we were listening to, all the lyrics had been stripped. So it's just like weird, like gentle saxophone music in the background. So the theme song is just one weird guy screaming, yo baby, wishing's what I like, like across a minute

and a half of more or less silence. Yeah. As we all do the twist in our homes. Yes. There was a time when saxophones ruled Saturday morning cartoons and I... Sure. I don't know why that happened, but it did. Alfie can jam out. Yeah, I think Alf had a saxophone.

So did Garfield. I think that was Wayne Gretzky's weapon in Pro Stars. Not a hockey stick. You would think it would be a hockey stick, but instead they went with a saxophone. Yeah. Not in Morocco's modern life, even though he's wearing a shirt that indicates he would have a saxophone. Yeah.

That raises a good point. All these were really premise heavy. Whenever they take a celebrity and make a cartoon, there's a really good chance of just like, what if they're in space? What if like all of it takes place in a submarine? Like there's just a weird thing that gets glued to it. I don't know if it's because they already had projects like in the works of a kid who can wish and they're like, shit,

blew Macaulay Culkin's face to it. I don't care. Yeah. And and with these early earlier shows, it's obviously the main draws the celebrity, right? But it's and they and they're like, well, let's draw the celebrity as a cartoon. You see the animated version of that celebrity. But the name of the character is never the celebrities name. Yeah, that's weird. Because it's close. It's like Nick McCleary. I want to say Nick is what this is. And that's like how a grandma remembers McCauley Culkin. Like that's really close. That Nick McCleary movie.

I love him. But by himself? That's the name of the film? Yes. From Child Murder 2, Lost in Chicago. Yeah, Call Me Mac should be the name of this biopic, actually. I'd watch a cartoon called Call Me Back, but it's kind of like a shaft.

Like he's like a mean streets cop. I think he would genuinely enjoy doing that. Oh my god. Yeah. We have to, I still have his phone number, even though I haven't talked to him in like, since 2020. But yeah, we should pitch him the show of Macaulay Culcom as himself. He retires from acting to become a hardened police detective. I fucking love it. Oh god. Because he could use his home alone skills to like take down criminals but he's an adult and they're like lethal. Fuck, that's a great pitch. Yeah, he has to climb a building and instead of using a grappling hook he takes a paint

can and a piece of rope and just throws it up. That's his main weapon actually. Instead of smoke bombs he throws glass ornaments. Perfect. I wouldn't mind attaching Joe Pesci to the project too. God I love this. This is so much better than the show. Yeah I agree. Like, what did that take us a minute? One minute? Yeah he's also a lounge singer for some reason which is that he wants to be a lounge singer. That's the only reason. Sean baby, can Joe Pesci play the police commissioner? Yes. I was thinking a Hannibal Lecter style character. But yeah,

police commissioner. I just want him to say you're out of control. Give me your badge and gun. Like when you tried to kill me when you were a kid. Now you're trying to now you're trying to give me a heart attack. The mayor's on my ass. I was gonna say that like, the show goes hard in that he has a bully who physically assaults him right out of the gate.

And we watched an episode called Captain Mayhem. The bully shows up and just kicks his dog. The dog's in a garbage can. He's playing military tank. Fucking boots the dog like 40 feet. I'm like, there's not a town in the world that wouldn't rally together to murder this child. He spits mud on Macaulay Culkin's face and he says, your dad's a lame writer. And he like, this isn't a cheap insult. He pulls out a fucking newspaper

where his dad wrote a puff piece for a local tea party and he calls him a sissy, sends him inside. And now any other show that's kids like, here's how I'm gonna get revenge, especially, especially if he has a magic baseball mitt that gives him anything he wants. Instead, this is actually what happened, I took a clip. Ha, your dad's a sissy just like you. I'm gonna get you for this, butt whiler. Uh, who am I kidding? Frankie would sweep the sidewalk with my face if I tried anything.

I guess I'll always be a shrimp. No, I did not cut this. This is in real time. He goes into his house and this happens. I hate Francis Dottweiler. What's the matter, Nick? Frankie said Dad was a sissy rider. I told him he was wrong. No, he may be right, Nick. Yes, I'm glad that you pulled that. This is a hole. I had that he was wrong. No, he may be right, Nick. Yes, I'm glad that you pulled that. I had that in my notes.

Aww, he's right, son. He's right. Just a family of sad sex. He's emasculated by this second-grader. It's the second-grader that reads newspapers, by the way. You can definitely tell that it's a group of like 40-something writers. I don't know. What are elementary school kids into? I don't know, journalism? The lifestyle section of the local paper. Before we go further into the madness that is this plot, I want, I'm glad that you pulled

that clip so you can hear Mac's performance. He's a child, but you could definitely tell he's phoning it in and not because he's a bad actor or pompous, but because I guarantee the reason why he sounds so tired is because he's legit tired from his dad forcing him to do all of these things. You gotta do the cartoon, son. Gotta get me my money. It's funny you say phone in, because in my notes I was like,

did he record this over phone? The audio quality is different from the other actors. He sounds really distant and unengaged, but also the audio is pretty bad. I mean, he may have been on another set. That's what I'm thinking. Hollywood was lawless about children. It still kind of is. Yeah. No. I'm glad he grew up to be a good guy. He escaped and I'm

very glad he did. Good for him. He survived. Sadly, he did not escape. He survived. And good for Corey Feldman as well. Sure. Because he's a rock star now. He's living his life to the fullest. Honestly, all of them were still around, truly. Except the one terrible one. Oh, now we're gonna have to guess, aren't we? Oh, oh, I didn't have an answer to that. I just, I... Oh, all right. Okay.

Jamie, we'll cut all this. He is a national treasure. Yeah, how dare you, Hana. I kind of like where the script went because instead of getting revenge on the bully, he's now trying to... he's like adding a step to it where he wants to give his dad something cool to write about for the local paper's lifestyle section. So he decides to become a superhero. Again, this show is really ill-conceived. So he becomes a superhero and then he just destroys his room and then fixes the room by throwing a tornado into it. And then that sends a fucking comic book of

it to his bully who learns that pizza is the superhero's weakness. And this comes into play for one second where he like shows up to kill the bully, but he has pizza. So he like passes out. I don't know. I guess you get it. These are story beats that are kind of familiar, but I'm just saying they're all off by a troubling amount. They introduced this weakness that is never seen or done ever again. It's like a yada yada like someone says, oh, he needs to have a kryptonite. I don't fucking know. Something the bully would have. Pizza he found in a garbage can? Yeah. Yeah, dude, I gotta get 11 more of these fucking written today. Just hurry up.

I have a random word generator and the home alone script. Pizza. Yeah, pizza it is. Oh, trash pizza. My only weakness. Pizza fresh from the garbage. No. Oh, God. And yet this is the only scene in which a scent of garbage pizza takes him down. Takes him down. Yep. He runs out of his powers before he really does anything.

He has an idea to get a police scanner, because his nerd friend has a police scanner. Oh, you mean Urkel? And yeah, he's got an Urkel. And so they tune in to find car thieves in the area. And the first thing he does is he finds the stolen car and rips open the top like an old timey tuna can and he pulls the guy out and he says,

it's not a stolen car. He just fucking tore the roof off a car and grabbed a guy. And the cops are like, you can't do that superhero maniac child. And so they escape, he and Urkel and not with powers. He doesn't pick up Urkel with his powers and escape. They run away at child speed. I don't know.

Like I say, everything's just fucking a little bit wrong. They were able to ditch the cops when McCauley, or Mac, or Nick, whatever, it's Mac, whatever Mac took some jacks out of his pocket and threw them onto the street and the police cars ran them over. Yeah, blew out their tires like spike strip.

This is the defunding of the police I can get behind. It's shitty automobiles. I never realized jacks are basically caltrops. Yeah. Yeah. They're ninja caltrops. He hatched a scheme to catch the car thieves, and it's very childlike in a way I liked where he made an ad to come look at my dad's car. He's like, my dad's car rules.

Come to my house and look at my dad's car. It's hot. Like, oh, that's adorably, that's adorably stupid, but it works. The bad guys see this ad, they're like, hey, this kid wants us to see his dad's car. Side note, the whole premise is based about the fucking journalist being unsatisfied writing puff pieces. That puff piece gave him a mansion, gave Mac a giant tree house that might as well be a mansion. And this sick red car. Where did this money come from? Why is it this money? This is

why society is crumbling. We're not giving journalists this. I can't get this kind of money. No one can. Yeah. Well, We're not giving journalists this. I can't get this kind of money. No one can. Yeah. Well, did they say what the wife does? Maybe the wife had a good job. Oh, yeah. The wife did OnlyFans. Oh, she was raking it in by stepping on cupcakes or whatever. Yeah. Sugar Mommy. Yeah. There we go. That explains it all, actually. So we left off at Mack and Urkel make up a sign that says, my dad's car is great. Take a look at it. Right. So, okay, so bad guys steals the car. McCauley still has his power, so he flies out to stop it.

And there's a lot of like tension about he can't be seen as the superhero because then people will figure out he's got a magic baseball myth that gives wishes. But in the process doing this, every character in the entire show has seen him fly around as the superhero. And so I guess there's no consequences to this extension. It's a bad show.

I guess there's no consequences to when he does lose his powers, he's in his boxer shorts and attacks, like flies into his nosy next door neighbor, groin first into her body. Yeah, she did get hit by a nude child. Those are consequences, you're right. But she thinks it's an alien.

She gets up and runs away and says, oh, an alien hit me. It's like, that's some weird psychological cope, lady. No, you got hit by a nude little boy. You have a lot to answer for. It could be a trauma response. She has to think sure that it's an alien. Otherwise, it's oh my god, I got hit by a new child, which quite frankly, I can understand the brain not wanting to process that. It really makes you rethink every

abduction story. If you're like, okay, how many of these were sex traumas? Oh, probably all of them. I guess we solved a little mystery. It's true. So now Urkel and Mack have to track down the car with no superpowers because he can't make another wish for a week. And this is no problem for them. They're not like, oh shit, how are we going to do this?

Like, no, come on, we're still going to stop this. Plus they're probably wanted for all the cop cars have no tires in their town. So I guess they're not really an option. I'm glad you brought that up. So so they go to the warehouse and now Macaulay Culkin is also he is the Home Alone character. He's kind of a MacGyver.

So he gets a remote control car with a magnet and just everything goes right for him, like he steals a wrench with a magnet and then the bad guy falls and then he gets a bunch of nails in the magnet and hits the bad guy in the ass with the nails. They kind of just run away and stuff just falls on the bad guys during the chaos. They wrote a theme song just for this. But it's about the superhero he was

and it's no longer anymore. I have it here. ["The Superheroes of the Superheros"] I have lost it. Lost all of my power. I'm going back to make them count. And I need it now. I need it now. How I wanna be a superhero. A big, strong superhero just like Captain Mayhem. Captain Mayhem.

The hero just like Captain Mayhem, Captain Mayhem. It's like a gun was to their head and they said, you have 40 seconds to write a theme song about Macaulay Culkin's superhero losing his powers. They had a gun to the head, gave him a synthesizer and said, go. And they were like, I guess we'll just sing about the plot of the first half of this cartoon. Which of these producers sounds half like Michael Jackson? Exactly half. The real question is which half? Dun dun dun. So our kids are Jar Jar Binksing their way through the through the chop shop and they're taking out all the bad guys. And he McCauley hatches a scheme, another one, to pretend to be the cops. By getting into a cop car, these guys have stripped

and they roll it outside with like a drink cup on top and then they have the dog do siren sounds. So they're like, oh, that's a, I hear and see a cop car. We must be under arrest. So they're doing like a Michael Winslow on them. This is a police academy. In addition to a magic catcher's mitt that gives witches, he's also a MacGyver and a police academy.

It's just, it's a lot for one cartoon. This had to be an algorithm that someone typed in Macaulay Culkin Saturday morning, 90s, 80s cartoon sitcom. Yep. Yeah. That there's no way this wasn't written by AI. You're right. Magic dog, throw that in there. I don't mean for this to be a three hour podcast, but I cannot stress enough. The cops show up the real ones.

Right. How did the cops know where the chop shop was? Did they decide to not arrest them until the time? And by the way, they did take the dad with them to the chop shop to arrest them. That's a good point. Some of us have had experiences having their car stolen. The police at Shaw aren't going to be like, well, hop in shotgun, we're going to look for it together.

That's not a thing. We got this. Oh. They don't even find it half the time, and when they do, you don't find out from them. Mine was stolen twice this year. They don't give a fuck. I did see your tweets about that. It looked, that was a pretty grim story.

Oh, it's, I made Geico buy it. I begged them to. I couldn't take it anymore. Maybe that's where this guy's wife works, is Geico, and she's like, I don't have time. You go there and buy all the stolen cars. Maybe that's the chop shop. It's secretly a Geico front.

That's true. That would make a lot of sense actually, for what they gave me for the car. Also, I think the cops would have responded to any number of the noise complaints. The children beat these men to death with tools and tires for a good five minutes. That part of the story sort of holds up. The fact that the dad's there is weird. I agree. I don't think we've solved that mystery, but the dad does write about this next day and. And Macaulay Culkin, they realize, oh shit, we got to wrap up this bully story, we got to get revenge on the bully. So

Macaulay Culkin is like, hey, fucker, get over here on this lawn, you little bitch. And the guy's like, I'll get you for this. And then he goes on to the lawn and the sprinklers turn on. And he just can't move. He just can't fucking move. He's like, ah, what? Ah, the ground is what I can't traverse it. And he just is flailing infinitely while he I can't traverse it. And he just is flailing impotently while he gets hit by sprinklers. And that's how they end like as far as I know, he's there until that lawn dries out. They totally forgot about the bully plot. And they're like, fuck, it's due tomorrow. And

sprinklers get it. First off, I love the fact that again, these seven year olds are like, ah, my dad wrote a story in the paper. The thing we all read. And he's not a sissy, you could tell, because he talked about cop stuff. He went there, he rode shotgun. They gave him a gun. Yeah. He killed four minorities.

He did. All three of them in this cartoon. And I'm just gonna vent right now. Cops are such sissies, they will not clean the Lunchables and Whippets out of your stolen car. Sorry, go on. That is one of the worst things about the cops, is that they won't take the Lunchable trash out of your car. For fuck's sake!

Yeah. Our taxes pay your salary. You know, everyone thinks that the stereotype is the cop with the doughnut. No, it's actually cops with Lunchables. Sucking the nitrous out of whipped cream. Group question, when's the last time you suck the nitrous out of a can of whipped cream? Never, never have. On purpose?

Never. No, no, I wasn't a big whipped cream guy. And on top of that, I was always afraid of shooting whipped cream up my nose because I didn't know how to make it work. I'm very bad at things people. Very bad. That's why we got into comedy, because I'm bad at everything else. I got into comedy because I did way too many Whippets as a child, and I roasted out all the part of my brains

that are good at adult things. Kind of same. I asked on purpose because I've done them accidentally, like, this month. You just slipped and fell and just tried to get some whipped cream. You just slipped and fell and just tried to get some whipped cream. Making this Sunday a little treat for me. Yeah.

And you wake up on the kitchen floor, you're like, oh shit, there's nine cans next to you. Hannah had two treats that night. The worst thing is we're in our 30s, so it wasn't even like real whipped cream. Was it real nitrous? Yeah. Oh yeah. Oh, okay. Good. It definitely was that.

But it was like a vegan, a vegan whipped cream or something? Yeah. Oh yeah, yeah. Like low fat, no cream in it. Oh, I see. If anything, there's probably more nitrous to get it to foam up. Hell yeah. I also enjoy a little heroin now and then. Jamie, cut all this! You can cut all of this! I think that was... I think we solved Wish Kid. What a weird show.

We solved Wish Kid? I'm sorry. As much as that could be solved think we solved Wish Kid. What a weird show. As much that could be solved, we solved Wish Kid. I didn't talk once about the dove that is now too fat to eat from that feeder I'm looking at right now, and it's amazing and beautiful. And I just talked about it. I guarantee that dove has more comprehensive adventures than Wish Kid. I think probably. What would a pigeon wish for? More birdseed, obviously. He keeps trying.

There are traps so that if he's too big, so the squirrels can't get it. Keeps fucking- you had too much. Don't fat shame the bird, Hana. They don't have fat phobia in their culture. You're fat phobia-ing them. You're fat-shaming that bird. Oh, I'm incepting- I'm incepting bird culture with fatphobia. I'm giving them.

First of all, don't co-opt their culture. Second of all, stop fat-shaming that bird. Fair enough. I'm being an- I'm being a bird ally all of a sudden. Um. I- I say fuck those fat birds. They- I mean, I just just hear both sides of the argument. Right in the cloaca, eh? Bird devil's advocate.

Yeah. There we go. Yeah. Hanna, I was about to say that you had a lot of wild choices and you settled on Jackie Chan Adventures, which I think is a great choice because this was kind of a competent cartoon. Agreed. And I picked it because it was and it really shouldn't be. I agree. It's better than it should have been. We know Jackie Chan for his amazing stunts, none of which can be shown in animated form. Yeah, they're not as impressive when you just draw them.

Then why have it be Jackie Chan? Exactly. It shouldn't work. It's a good point. And it works. Yeah. I also think Jackie Chan has like a very charming way of speaking. He doesn't speak English very well, but it's adorable.

And so the idea to replace him with just a working voice actor is like, I don't know. I don't know about that choice. Plus, it probably would have been a white guy. Oh, fun fact. The voice actor, James C., I believe that's how he pronounces last name. Yes, SIE To me, he's better known as the cabbage merchant from Avatar the last airbender I think he was the monkey in kung fu panda. She was so he's he has like a history of playing like Martial arts cartoon characters while also, also being anxiety ridden,

being the cabbage merchant just yelling, my cabbages in various fashions. So that's why he's my hero, along with Clancy Brown, who makes an appearance on this show for some reason. Sweet. We watched season one episode 12. I picked this one because this was one

that had two Jackie Chan's in it. And I really like when when an action star makes a movie where there's a second version of him. It's one of my favorite genres of film. Jean-Claude Van Damme has done it 78 times and they're all great. The episode opens like real hard in the point where I thought like, oh, did I get the wrong video? Because he's poking at pies with a fork and being like the tiger talisman is inside one of these pies. I'm like, hold it, slow the fuck down.

What? Yeah. But we know exactly what this is. This is an Indiana Jones-esque adventure with antiques set in Chinatown, San Francisco. We know exactly what this is from the first like five minutes. From the first five seconds. Yeah.

He's like in a pie eating eating contest, as we speak, and the secret magic MacGuffin is in one of the pies, don't know how it got there, don't know how he got signed up for a pie contest. No, never explained. Nope. And don't care. Yeah, we don't need it explained.

There's just a talisman in the pie, eat that pie. Eat the pies. He has a sidekick who's like, oh, here's my plan. You just eat all the pies, and then you'll find the talisman. And then they look at the other guy in the pie, eat that pie. Eat the pies. He has a sidekick who's like, Oh, here's my plan. You just eat all the pies, and then you'll find the talisman. And then they look at the other guy in the contest, just some little old guy. You're like, OK, cool, he's going to win this. And then as a comedy reveal, oh, no, the evil sumo guy is also in the pie contest. You're like, what?

It's just it is four hours of movie condensed into just 15 seconds of insanity. I love it. It's so good. I wrote no notes, but it kept my attention like 90% of the time. of movie condensed into just 15 seconds of insanity. I love it. It's so good. I wrote no notes, but it kept my attention like 90% of the time. And you guys know that's a feat. That is pretty good, yeah. Cause we've been trying to talk

about horse fucking this whole show. I know. You're just like, no guys, Jackie Chan cartoons. God damn it. So the intro of the show is crazy. They show the real Jackie Chan getting turned into a cartoon, just kind of fucking around, just like jogging in place and throwing punches.

There's dragons and famous landmarks. Talismans, he punches a sumo guy in the dick and we see this from the dick point of view. That's an interesting choice. Then he turns back into the real Jackie Chan for a second to be like, oh, my hand, I hit a guy in the dick. It's very weird. There's a bad guy with a laser dagger. There's a whole bunch of talismans, I guess.

They don't just show up in this one pie eating contest. Like that seems central to the entire show. Yeah, there are 12. There are 13 episodes. I think this was part one of a season finale. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Spoiler alert, it ends on a cliffhanger.

Yeah, so we don't know how it ends. Sorry. I'm looking through my notes. It says here, the old guy bit the talisman in half, and that makes a second Jackie Chan. Yep. And these Jackie Chans are split. Everything is very Asian themed.

So they're yin and a yang. So one of them is a giant pansy, and he steps on a bug and starts crying. And the other one ate all the little girls' candy and is like, fuck you, I ate your candy. So those are the two aspects of man. Yeah, they're explaining it as not good and evil, but dark and light. Yes. Was the big thing in the cartoon.

Yeah. Coward and candy. Coward and dickhead. Yeah, coward and candy. What's really weird is that everyone immediately figures out what's happening and exactly how it happened. Like any other show, they'd be like, you know, hi Jinx. Oh, you need to go to my job with your different skill set and do some wacky things. We need to go on a date with one girl at the same time, blah, blah, blah.

This, they're just like, no, you're too Jackie Chan's and it's because of this talisman. Fuck you, fun and games. Yeah, fuck, fuck all this. We got a story to tell. The whole dedicated Legion of Doom shows up, like they just come to the place. Every single bad guy from the show, uh, know, I guess, where the uncle lives. Uh, Jackie's got a wise uncle with like a secret crime base, um, Asian bookstore. Yeah. It's, I think it's an antiques shop. Something's there's old shit.

Yeah. Curious shop. He's got like gremlins and shit. Yeah. Yeah. You know, you know the shop. The evil Jackie like just jump kicks the big guy out the door.

Like he's even in the same movie, he'll like run frantically away from everyone, just desperate not to get in a fight. And then when it's like, okay, I guess this time it's time to fight. He'll just beat the shit out of 50 guys with furniture with like no worry on his face. He's like, I know exactly how this is gonna end.

But like you might've seen this, there's a behind the scenes sequence from Rush Hour, where the script sort of called for him not to have a gun, but he had a gun at the start of the scene. So they shot some footage of him like throwing the gun away, like, oh gross, a gun. And it took like several rehearsals for it to occur to Jackie Chan and the rest of the people that,

oh no, this character is a policeman. He wouldn't like throw a gun away cause it's yucky. I'm just saying like that's how fucking, Oh no, this character is a policeman. He wouldn't like throw a gun away because it's yucky. Ew, firearms. I'm just saying like that's how fucking, but even Jackie Chan can barely keep track of which Jackie Chan he's supposed to be at any moment. This is probably what the cartoon should have been as having two Jackie Chan's at all times

where one of them is the very silly, scared of everything Jackie Chan and the other one is like this very, very lethal martial artist. Yeah, there are two types of stuntsts running away from stuff and running towards stuff. Yeah. I would love that and have Jackie Chan also play the uncle, just an old person makeup or, you know, in this case, in this case, drew an old bearded Jackie Chan character and have Jackie

Chan voice that character. Yeah. A fat that character. Yeah. A fat grandma suit. Yeah, clump it up. Clump it up! Why wasn't this live action? I don't understand. You don't understand why this cartoon was made?

Is that the question? Well, I don't understand why something, why anything with Jackie Chan isn't live action. Because the man is old and he wants to not do this forever But this was the 90s. This was his like height, but yeah. Yeah, okay He he probably has has almost died on like hundreds of it and on top of that This was the 90s and he'd been doing these type of movies since the 60s You're so you're not a young man already old when yeah Yeah, it was fight scenes would take like four weeks to rehearse and two weeks to shoot.

Yeah. There's a lot of good reasons you could never make this live action show. Yeah, that's fair. Also, it wouldn't be for kids. OK, all right. He hates pie? Add that to the list.

He does. He prefers ice cream. In the ending of the following episode, the reason I bring up the whole he's old is they ask the question, if you weren't doing martial arts stuff, what would you be doing instead? And he goes, Oh, I would love to do so many other things. I would love to direct. I would love to write. I would like to do stunt choreographies. Like, he named virtually everything except doing yeah acting and fighting

Yeah, there's a reason why he's a producer on this cartoon. It does nothing else Anyone listening to this right now stop what you're doing and get Jackie Chan a chair I don't know where he is, but get him a chair. Yeah, just give him a rest bottle of water. Maybe I'm a huge Jackie Chan fan. So like after like Rush Hour, after his big breakout hit, he did interviews everywhere and he kind of did the same talking points everywhere, both because his English wasn't good, but also because like, that's just what people want to be here. You do your own stunts, blah, blah, blah.

What do you think about American movies? And all he wanted to do was like blue background. He's like, dude, just, I just want to do the blue background. I don't want to do all this. I don't want to fucking run down any more mountains. I don't, I don't, I hate jumping through ladders. Just, yeah. So you're right. I, I've seen him to do all this. I don't want to fucking run down any more mountains. I don't I don't I hate jumping through ladders Just yeah, so you're right. I I've seen him say those exact words. You just said the cardboard boxes do nothing So evil Jackie

Is chasing the bad guys back to the base? I think they have the talisman at this point One of them he gets hit by a fish by the sumo guy and that's just instant knock it You can't get bumped by a fish in a cartoon and stay awake. Then Wussy Jackie gets super easily captured because he just gets in like a Chinese dragon parade costume and just dances around. This is Chinatown like leading up to Chinese New Year. They do establish that. Right.

So the girl gets a box of fireworks and it's just, it's all very much like, yeah, cool. Just write some Chinese stuff into the script. So now the bad guys have two Jackie Chan's captured. Again, like here's time for some hijinks, but no, the dragon statue that the bad guys worship just looks at him and instantly figures that out. He's like, oh yeah, these guys split the talisman in half. That's why they're yin and yang.

That's what's happening here. There's no reason to do comedy. It's just, so no one is ever confused about this thing that could have been silly. I'm really glad I picked an episode that was just a way to get out of jokes. That's really good for a comedy podcast. Right. No one wants gags in their comedy.

I was about to explain their idea of the gag, which was Jackie Chan seeing leather seats and crying because leather comes from cows. And then I think the bad guys left here because the girl set off fireworks. They're like, oh shit, people are shooting at us. Another Michael Winslow style. I would know. Because those clearly sounded like firecrackers and not firearms.

These are just dumb henchmen. It's not like she invented firecrackers. Those were firecrackers from like half a block away that someone was gonna light off that night in their neighborhood on their holiday. Now they go back into the lab. This surprised me because I didn't watch the show, but there's like a phone booth that like melts

into a brick wall and like goes into a secret crime bat cave underneath the antique shop. Yep, section 13. Wow, section 13. So you'd seen this show before the podcast? No, I just know my bullshit Saturday morning cartoons and I was like, ah, okay, Secret Society and I follow Clancy Brown. You're the head of it. I get it. All right. Now we know why there's the quote unquote good guys

also trying to get talismans and it's for reasons, I don't know, government reasons. Right. So they're not really good guys. But you know, there's a part I liked here where the little girl says you can't be all yang to the evil Jackie Chan. And he proves to her that he is by jump kicking her. Yes. And he was just going to kick a little girl but he gets flying kicked by the wuss Jackie Chan. The only way to stop a Jackie Chan kick is a Jackie Chan kick. That was the tagline to Ninja 3 The Domination, I'm pretty sure.

But anyway, they have a pretty good fight, and I made a note that the animation was weirdly good. Yeah, they did the opposite of most animated shows at this time, in which any animation that was just a scene of them talking or whatever looked like, eh, okay, you're missing keyframes here and there. But whatever, there was a fight. It was really good. So it's like they spent all the budget on the fight stuff and nothing else. They had a ladder. Jackie Chan had a ladder. I'm like, that's great. No notes there.

Yeah. Good idea. There are a lot of references to his live action stuff in this cartoon. The ladder does get broken with a pipe and now it stilts, which again, I think that's great. That's taking ladder into a cartoon direction. Yeah. A very competent cartoon. There's a scene with like 50 ninjas, and I loved that,

because 50 ninjas never want to fight, so this is like a real comfort when you see 50 ninjas, like, oh, the good guys are going to win this one. Yeah. But the ninjas are like perverts, because when they grab the good Jackie Chan, they like just tickle him. I'm not crazy, right?

Yeah, they grabbed him and then one of them tickled him. I guess that's your weakness when you're like the yin of a yin yang situation. I guess they're prone to laughter. What I did love is both Jackie Chan's. I don't remember if this was when they were fighting each. I think it was when they were first fighting each other before they teamed up. They did the classic Jackie Chan punch to the face and chest and they both shook their fist, ow, at the same time. Yeah. Yep. Classic. Okay, so at this point, this was with the cliffhanger.

They get all the talismans, the dragon statue comes to life. This kind of came across as like a sexual thing, like a furry kind of dragon. Like someone said, hey, draw me a dragon. And then they came back with something weirdly erotic. Much like with particular horses, I think it's in the eye of the beholder. Exactly. Thank you for bringing back the topic we're actually here to discuss. This is where it

ended. What happened in the next episode? How do they wrap this story up? So in the next episode, the dragon, which is the boss of the gang is like, ah, now I can summon my dragon army to come in and take over the world. Are they all hunks too? Huh? Oh yeah, they're all very hunky.

I'm sure you can find defiant art about them. And the other bad guys, the humans are like, well, what about our reward? And the dragon guy's like, I'm evil. Of course there's no reward, go away. Yeah, I think they said specifically Jackie was the one to give him the talismans, so none for you or something.

Yeah, yeah, like there was a loophole. Yeah. Clancy Brown in section 13 are like, okay, we gotta just assault this dragon with nuclear missiles and whatever from bazookas. And Uncle's like, no, magic can fight magic. And Jackie Chan- That's the tagline from Ninja III, the domination.

Sorry, I got them mixed up. Jackie Chan, who is back to being merged together because he doesn't have the Yang Yang talisman anymore, sneaks up behind the dragon, who is almost through summoning his dragon army, and uses spirit hands to grab a talisman, and if we did watch the other episodes, we would know what each talisman, because each talisman gives a certain power.

Sure. So he grabs one, he's like, oh no, it's this one And he has one crazy power and then he grabs another from the dragon and eventually he grabs all the talismans The dragon's like no and I think he dies or disappears into the void with the other dragons I don't remember. No one cares. The only it sounds I would have guessed all this if I'm being honest Yeah, oh, that's what happens all the talismans scatter and the bad guys, the henchmen, are like, well, maybe we can sell these or something. So they grab the other talismans. Jade is about to go back home to China to visit mom and dad. And Jackie Chan is sad and he goes to Uncle's curio shop. And the big sumo guy is now a good guy and works for Uncle now.

Okay. And then Jade shows up, and is like, my parents were so glad of all I learned. I get to stay here for another year with all of you. And then now there's the new status quo for season two. So she, that girl has parents and they saw all this happen, and they're like, yes, keep spending time with...

Yep. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, keep putting yourself in harm's way with dragons. Yes. Yeah. One of the people guarding her, one of her caretakers tried to kick her after being made schizophrenic by a magic talisman. Not all children are loved, Sean baby.

That's a good point. She took out a life insurance on Jade much like there's a cold reality of you know sometimes horses can be hot Sometimes children are not loved you ever meet a British person who went to boarding school Same idea yeah, yeah, it's sorry, and I'm sorry that you had to explain the entire cartoon, but the fat bird took off? So you wanted to... wanted to judge its flight path? Is that what you're doing now? Are you geocaching or geotesting or whatever the fuck it is, that bird? Is the bird doing that now or are you talking about when you were trying to watch this episode of The Wolf? No, no, when Eric was explaining the episode and I sort of wasn't, despite the fact that this is the show that I was supposed to have brought. So you were literally distracted not by a bird but by the lack of a bird?

Yes. Okay. For the record. I'm not gonna lie, Hana, I wish you were able to take a photo of that bird just to see like, I gotta see how fat this bird is now. How bad of a person I am? Yeah, if it comes back I'll show you. That is not inherently an insult by the way, it's just a descriptor. That's why I said fat bird but you were fat shaming it though. It's a compliment. You said it was too big to eat. Okay well no, that's the nature of the feeder. Oh so it's all the feeder's fault. The feeder that you bought.

It's the feeder's fault. Yeah, okay, enough. I was trying to keep the squirrels out. No one wants to hear about this. Well this has been our main podcast about sexy horses. Yes, starving squirrels, sexy horses, fat birds. Yes, fat birds, skinny squirrels, sexy horses. That's the triumvirate right there, isn't it?

That's what they say. We are going to talk about the Gary Coleman show, which is the one I picked, but that will be on the bonus podcast. So for this one, we're going to say goodbye with the wisdom of the real Jackie Chan. At the end of Jackie Chan Adventures, they cut to the live action Jackie Chan, who just says really smart stuff about smart stuff. I'm gonna just play it in its entirety. Ice cream. Yum yum. I love ice cream. Chocolate, vanilla, strawberry. So most I like ice cream. But after I eat ice cream today, joking, more punching, more kicking.

Let's go to eat some ice cream. It really, you don't get wisdom like that anymore. No. They teach you things at the end of cartoons. You don't get wisdom like that anymore. You don't get wisdom like that anymore. You don't get wisdom like that anymore. You don't get wisdom like that anymore.

You don't get wisdom like that anymore. You don't get wisdom like that anymore. You don't get wisdom like that anymore. You don't get wisdom like that anymore. You don't get wisdom like that anymore. You don't get wisdom like that anymore. You don't get wisdom like that anymore. You don't get wisdom like that anymore.

You don't get wisdom like that anymore. You don't get wisdom like that anymore. You don't get wisdom like that anymore. You don't get wisdom like that anymore. You don't get wisdom like that anymore. You don't get wisdom like that anymore... you don't get wisdom like that anymore. No. They teach you things at the end of cartoons, and Jackie Chan taught us three flavors of ice cream and left. Our podcast is great! And with maximum cheer! Does Frankfurt's podcast say? Correct! Yes! The power is not without!

Send it to the dog zone! For an hour! Come on! You know the number! I, Brokell the Brocain, proclaim myself ruler of all Hot Dog-ome! From each of your kingdoms, send to me your finest warriors, your champions, your... Supremes! Aaron Crosston! Adrian H! Aiden Mouat! From the Kingdom of Nolenburg, it's... Alex Nolenburg!

A mighty little meat! Alpha Scientist Jarbo! Un- Unendi, Armando Nava, Bim Talter, do not disgrace your kind. You're disgracing your kind right now, aren't you? Brendan Garlok, Brian Saylor, Burrito, Serol, Cheddar Wolf, from the Kingdom of Cheddar Wolfia, who had a really cool design but just never got a moment Clementine Danger Common Sense Greg Lemoine half man half horse all man

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King of Honkonia, where the mighty Honkies live and play. Jabber Al Aiden. James Boyd. Jared Mountain Man. Jared Ruiz. Just your classic hallway panther. You better have a panther pass. Jeff Oraski.

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Max Faroi Mercenary Cissad Min Michael Dillon is a hawk trapped in the body of a magician. Don't deny it. Be proud of who you are. Screa! Michael Lehr Mickey Lomanohman. Mike Stiles. Mort. Moju. Mr. Bob Gray is leader of the Mighty Lizardmen. Mr. Bob Gray has been slain.

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Velo turns into a mighty Chimera when angered, or aroused, or confused. He might actually just be a Chimera. Booster, Wayland Brussels. Zack and Ava, wild and free centaur champions who ride into battle on one another. Each of their human parts on the horse parts but not their own. It's complicated. And finally, from Danonia comes young quick and deadly Dan B. Hooray Dan B! You only have seconds to do

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