The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - Episode 38 - Conan the Podcast, Part 3: Red Sonja

Episode Date: September 1, 2021

Seanbaby and Brockway robot-catfish Lydia Bugg into appearing on a third Conan podcast! This time about Red Sonja -- not technically a Conan movie! It's maybe the perfect film that got everything wrong six times over and did so badly it killed the whole genre. Out of films that got everything wrong six times over and did so badly they killed the whole genre, Red Sonja is the best.

One nine hundred hot dog. One nine hundred hot dog. Our podcast slams with maximum hype. Say hot dog podcast word. Yeah. When you taste that nitrate power, you're in the dog zone for an hour. Come on.

You know the number. One nine hundred. One nine hundred hot dog. One nine hundred hot dog. One nine hundred. One nine hundred hot dog. One nine zero zero zero. Yeah.

Nine thousand. Welcome to the Dog Zone Nine Thousand, the official podcast of One Nine Hundred Hot Dog. I am Books' Robert Brockway, and with me, as always, is everything else's, Sean Baby? Thanks. It's a pleasure to be here.

And the wonderful Lydia Bug. Thank you for having me. Hi. It's always nice to have you. So to get right into it, how much did you love Red Sonya, the subject of today's podcast? So much.

It's my favorite of the trilogy, for sure. Really? I think my enjoyment of these films was inverse to how popular they were. Yeah. The world strongly disagrees with all your choices. Yeah. But what do they know?

I really didn't say it. I really didn't say it coming from Red Sonya. I loved it. Yeah. I love the Queen. I love the Evil Queen. I loved everything about her. I watched with my husband,

which also might be part of why I enjoyed it, because the others, I just kind of watched alone, and this one I had someone to bounce stuff off of. And just the idea of her having this big gay army and these leather daddy outfits was amazing. And you didn't find that to be a problem? No, I loved it. Yeah.

Red Sonya is basically built on problems and written by Mad Men, and executed poorly by disinterested artists. It's a giant pile of trash. Now, my favorite part... In a good way sometimes. I'm sorry. Yeah, sure.

No, of course. But my favorite part of this, and why I told you for this film, for each Conan film, I have told you, Lydia, to not expect, you will never expect what happens in the direction it takes. Oh, God, yeah.

This was the penultimate of that. Yeah, I totally see what you're saying, because, well, I'm sorry. What were you going to say? No, no, go ahead. I'm here to get your thoughts. I want to hear from a fresh perspective. Maybe the first fresh perspective in 30 years.

So, okay. What I'm thinking this movie, I'm waiting the entire movie for Calador to be revealed as Conan. Right. And I'm waiting and waiting, and it never happens. Conan, this is a Conan movie

that does not have Conan in it. Right. Right. It's a... They scrambled the cast. It's still a Conan movie, because this is still the Hyborian Age. It still has a lot of the characters,

and certainly the themes of it. It came out, I believe, just a year after Conan the Destroyer. So, like, pretty much a direct spin-off slash sequel. Right. And it does not have Conan in it. It does have all of... Well, not all of it.

It has a lot of the cast of the movies. For example, I... Did you realize she spends the whole time in a mask? Did you realize that the evil queen was Valeria from the first movie? Only because I Googled it after, and I read that she was offered red Sonya, but said, no, I want to be the queen,

which I was like, that's exactly what I would do. And that was such a good move, because the queen's the best part. I like that after three years, she still hasn't learned how to act, so that she's supposed to be this evil queen, like this arch sort of attitude, and she's like, I am reading the line.

But it works. It works for me. It's just a... She comes across as such a maniac, because, again, the reading is just so wild and erratic for, like, an evil person. It just seems like somebody who's happy to be there. We're skipping way ahead here,

but I do love how her main vizier figures out, like, you're going to blow up the whole fucking world. This is not going to work out. And so he's like... He's bailing on it. At the last minute. Yeah, he's like, no, this is not going to work

in the whole world. And she hears this, and she just starts doing a cartoon laugh. She's, ha, ha, ha, ha. I love it so much. It's like she's never even fucking seen it before. She reads the words, ha, so many times. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

She's probably really proud of it later, she's bragged. I got every ha exactly as written in the script. We are skipping literally the end of the movie. Right. Let's talk some red Sonya facts. This was made in 1985, well, released in 1985, and it lost $10 million.

It came out the same days back to the future to give you an idea of the quality of things it was up against. Oh, wow. Both the writers who worked on this basically never worked in movies again. The director who directed it basically never directed another movie.

And it is widely credited with killing the entire genre of sword and sorcery. Like. It's not that bad. It's pretty bad. It's pretty bad. You were allowed to have fun with it. It's so much fun.

Yeah. I will watch it again tonight if I can. But it's bad. It's quite bad. There are some, there's some charm to it. It's bad in a charming way sometimes. The sets are awesome. There's some standout performances, of course.

There's a lot of nice things you can say about red Sonya, but it did. I sort of looked it up just using Google to see how true that was. And the year after this came out, Labyrinth came out, but of course that had probably been in production for four or five years at least.

And then the year after that, He Man and the Princess Bride came out. Now that's probably the tail end of all the movies that were in production at the time. Red Sonya killed the genre. So after that, Willow came out. And I don't think Willow did anything to turn people's opinions around about this genre.

And also how many years was it between them? These are bang, bang, bang. So Labyrinth, then He Man, Princess Bride, and then Willow. So Willow was what, 1988. And then it was like 10 years later, we got that dragon movie with Sean Connery. And that's like, that's it.

And there's like things like Deathstalker 3 and things that would like, they were out there. Like there's still people making these movies, but for very low budgets to the appeal of no one. Right. The first two, Connery, I know the second one didn't do as well, but the first two were still huge hits.

It was very much like in the mainstream culture. And it was in theaters everywhere. You would go see a fantasy movie in the theaters. And that did not happen again for a long time. Yeah, before this, we had Sword of the Sorcerer, Never Ending Story, Dark Crystal, A-Tor the Blade Master. Everyone remembers A-Tor.

The Blade Master. Yeah, the Blade Master. The Master of the Blade. But then, yeah, this killed the genre. I bet you could probably name the movie that brought it back. And the year, if you're a super nerd. Lord of the Rings 2001? Nailed it.

And then, now the world. Shit, I'm a super nerd, too. That was a trap. I was a super nerd trap. I didn't know I'm too cool. Well, I can explain, I think, this is my theory and I think it's pretty sound, why, even if you don't think it was that bad of a movie,

why everybody was so mad at it. And I want you to imagine that the new Fast and the Furious movie comes out, right? It comes out next year, let's say. And you know that they mess with the titles a lot. So this one's called, this one's just FF. It's just two F's and you're like, okay, you're playing with the title, I get it.

So you see the trailer, all your favorite characters are there, the racing cars, it's the whole thing. And then you get to the theater and you go in, okay, the credits start rolling, they're racing their cars, it's great, it's great. I love to watch the fast boys go fast. And then they get to Vin Diesel.

Vin Diesel's still in this movie. Yes, it's Dom, right? The credits pop up and it says Vin Diesel as Gary Blufus. Well, in the whole movie, they're calling him Gary Blufus too. And you're like, why are they calling him Gary Blufus? Well, he's doing like a ruse,

he's pretending to be Gary Blufus, but it's really Dom, and at the end, he will reveal himself. He holds up his driver's license, it says, Gary Blufus. And he's also not really in the movie. He's a guest star, he comes in a couple times in the movie, and also,

they're all going to kill, I don't know, who's another actor? I'll say Paul Walker is still alive. Paul Walker is now the bad guy. So you're going after one of the main characters from the first movie. You would never be prepared for the scramble.

And they didn't do a good job, an intentionally bad job, of prepping the scramble. The trailer's just lots of Arnold, lots of sword and sorceries. People went in there and had no idea that this was not a Conan movie, technically.

And it's such a wild move. Mess. I would argue that this character is super duper not Conan, too. It's the same actor, and he's kind of dressed the same, but he does some real non-Conan moves. This character is...

You think Calador is dressed the same in his red velvet jumpsuit. He looks like Conan in a wedding to me. It looks like something Conan would wear to a disco wedding. Yeah.

Your red velvet jumpsuit with sequin lapels. It's so much better, though. I was like, oh, he's actually kind of handsome in this. They put pants on him, and I was like, you know what? He's got a little like... He's got a hairdo going.

Yeah. I like the headband. I like the vest. I liked all of it. And I thought, if this is Conan, it's a much more refined older Conan. He's no longer like a wheel idiot. He is thinking about stuff, which is weird.

But maybe he's supposed to be older, and I thought maybe it was supposed to be like a decade or two from the last movie to this one, and so he's like grown up, and I don't know. We don't know what Conan looks like, or how Conan ages, or how aging works in that world, or at least I don't.

So I was like, this could be Conan at like 50 or something. I don't know. I love it because that's the exact same thought process and sequence of denials that the audience would have used when they were watching this originally, too. They didn't realize at the end. No.

No, it's not. I've been tricked. Now, speaking of tricked, this is a real fact that has probably gone through 30 years of rumoring, so who knows how real it is, but supposedly Arnold is supposed to be there for a cameo, and he shows up and he's like friends with the producer, Dino De Laurentiis,

and I just need you for the week, Arnold, and it turns into a month-long shoot, and then they basically trick him into being the movie. He thought he was just going to show up to be like, hey, hey, Wink, remember me? But no, they like turned him into the co-star sort of against his will with tricky editing. Co-star?

Yeah, in foreign markets, this is actually just called like the Calador movie, or whatever he's called in Italy, and Red Sonia is very secondary to this Conan guy. In U.S. markets? Yeah, and so he got top billing. He's first introduced

in the movie, his credits, Arnold Schwarzenegger in huge letters, and then after that, and introducing Richie Nielsen as Red Sonia. He's enormous on the cover. He's on all the posters. He's the biggest guy. Yeah, he got top billing.

I heard, again, just like you said, the rumor mill, but I heard that he specifically requested second billing because he didn't want this to be, you know, so little input in this. He didn't want it to be like, this is an Arnold Schwarzenegger movie. He wanted it to be like, I'm just in this movie.

And then without his knowledge, they gave him top billing, and he was super mad about it. I know he did have a quote somewhere along the lines of Red Sonia is the worst movie I have ever done. Anytime my kids are out of line, I try to make them watch it as punishment.

That's the first trivia on the Red Sonia IMDb trivia pages, how the star of the film says it fucking sucks. That is so crazy to me. I don't think this is any worse than the last one, than Conan the Barbarian. I don't know. I don't personally revile.

I don't disagree with you, lady. But watching it now with fresh eyes, I love Conan the Destroyer way more. If you would have asked me that before, I re-watched them recently, I would have said, yeah, they're equally bad or slash good. But this one also starts with

some real problematic stuff. Basically, a ghost just walks up and explains to Red Sonia her own origin story. It's the most exposition. It's the exposition fairy and she's here to grant you the gift

of exposition. But I also argue it could not be worse. I don't think there's lazier writing than this in the history of literature to just have a ghost walk up and explain the setup to a person who already knows it. And the setup is

the queen, Sandy Bergman, she is an evil lesbian who was trying to sexually assault Red Sonia. And Red Sonia is like, no, I'm not interested, so she slashes her in the face with a sword. And the queen

sentenced her to sexual assault and exile. First minute and a half of the movie. I don't know if it's just implied, but let's really zoom in on Brigitte Nielsen's face. The tone of the movie

is dark and I don't remember it being like that. I think we are more easy going about fictional sexual assault back in the day and now you watch it and you're like, oh, this is terrible. This makes me feel terrible things. So yeah, it starts off with a bad tone. Yeah, it's weird that I saw that.

It was just like, oh, cool, gay queen, gay army. I want to be in the gay army. That queen's awesome. It's about the reviewers. The reviewers at the time were very much like you are painting homosexuality in an evil light with this movie. That's true. That was like the take on it back then.

And I've seen that in so many movies, I guess that just I've become numb to it because all Disney villains are like kind of queer coded, you know? Yeah, I can see that. I somehow... Yeah, I mean, there's a reason it's everywhere. Yeah. It's a problem with culture, it sure is,

but it's also ubiquitous. Yeah. I guess it just stood out. And it's like, oh, and like, yeah, that is explicitly like kind of why she is bad, you're right. That they're like, I know they say like, you're disgust at the queen like coming after you was evident and that's why she got so mad

and then you're disgust at this immoral act. It's very... Yeah. Yeah, it's a problem. And it hasn't aged into a problem because it's not one of those things we look back on with new eyes and see like, oh man, this was rough back then.

Everybody, all the critics picked up on it and just universally. Yeah. So even by 1985 standards they were like, this sucks. Don't do this. Yeah. And it's kind of bad again, it's lazy writing to say like, oh, here's a female character, what can we give her for her motivation?

And you're like, maybe not revenge about the rape, I don't... Let's do a second draft. Maybe that's the worst thing you could do, but to be fair, we also started with the worst writing you could with the exposition. Exactly. So it's just this lazy motivator

and I would argue not very relevant to the movie. You're thinking, oh cool, this is a revenge story like a classic lady-driven cowboy movie. I think there's a Raquel Welch movie that's kind of the exact same plot where she gets assaulted and gets a revenge

where I spit on your grave, that kind of thing. So you're like, okay, I get this. She's just given a regular Dungeons & Dragons quest later in the movie anyway. Just, it happens to be related to a revenge, but this is not a woman driven by revenge. In fact, what that did is just make it so she sort of doesn't trust men and hates everybody.

And so you're like... Well, she's driven by double revenge because they actually set up another revenge plot. That's true. Yeah, you're right. They built a redundancy plot in that was much less problematic. Yeah, sir. Because the queen does kill her.

Strange cult sister. Anyway, let's start going through the plot because we're going to have to jump around so much. You've got to forgive us for getting distracted by that opening. It's so crazy to jam it all right at the start and so many problems to just front load the movie. I would argue there's one more

problem in that scene to start, which is that the exposition fairy also says, and I grant you the strength of your sword arm that you will need. I love that. So that she doesn't like... It doesn't have to be... It's all just granted to her. There's like zero agency.

Yes, her god has so much better than Chrom. Yeah. The Mist Fairy here is just kicking Chrom's ass. We talk a lot of shit about Red Sonia's opening, but I think maybe we're not ones to talk. Yeah, the opening is crazy and they take

away that agency from her and then they they cut back to her training in a temple anyway. So like I had to pause at that point and go look up did they had this opening after the fact to like look in the movie? It seemed

it seemed like it didn't belong in there at all because she has the origin story of I've been training in this fighting pit. No, you were granted like magical strength to do anything you wanted from the Mist Fairy at the start. So like it's all just to take that agency away from her.

And I would argue that scene explains like her character anyway because that guy like tries to give her a hug. He's like, oh cool, you're the master of the master now. Here's a hug and she's like, no, no, no, no. I don't hug. And then the main master's like, no, no, no, you must not all men. Hashtag not all men, Red Sonia. He sucks.

And then he kind of hits on her even. He's about 30 years younger and it's just like and I get it like Red Sonia has never met somebody didn't try to fuck her, but like it's a little weird already. But I'm saying that establishes what her issues

are like everyone's trying to bang her and she's not interested. And we didn't need the fairy to explain that. So it feels like that fairy was thrown in like later by, you know, a focus group. Yeah, she needs more of a motivation. What is the motivation for women? Oh, I know.

We'll just re-film it and put it in there. Right. What makes women cranky? Let's see. What do women around me get cranky when I do? Oh, she doesn't even get to pick her sword. That's what that also bugged me is that she gets

in there and then it like it whispers to her and she picks it and then it's not a magical sword like it doesn't. It's never a magical sword. Why did it? Why? How's it calling? It's just such it's such bad writing that someone's like, yeah, the sword calls to her and they're like, oh, that means it literally calls to her, right?

Like, no, that's not really what it means. No, I was already in the script. Oh, I thought that was the fairy like telling her what to do or the ghost from the beginning. Like, you got to do this. Yeah, it could have been. Yeah, probably. Yeah, you're right. There's something to it. But then that also implies like there's a special destiny for the sword. The sword never does

anything special. That's not just her sword. It never has a power. It's just she has like four origin stories all at war with each other. Again, we're just a few more minutes in the movie. So the other origin story she has is we cut to like we cut to a big

temple full of I want to say like a tennis cult just like a real country club cult full of all women 40 fancy ladies. Yeah. And in chainmail panties and robes. Yeah, no, no, no, no, no. No notes on the costumes.

I did think the costumes were all amazing in this movie better than any costumes were incredible. They were so good. And they cost 10 out of 10. They were the sets were really good too. The sets were definitely one up on both Conan and Conan the

destroyer. They really had like some world building built into it. The helmets alone just the most elaborate helmet work. There was a guy with the double snake helmet. Or wait, was that the first I was pretty. I was pretty good. But in this movie, there's

a guy with like a skull who was wearing his own armor just on his helmet. That's true. That's like a double helmet skull. This movie, everyone has a mask is sort of a theme. And I don't think that was a artistic choice. I think it was a pragmatic choice

so they could reuse stuntmen. Yeah. Yeah, but it does look cool. It ends up like working out. Speaking of the skull helmet guys, they raid this temple and these the country club cult is locking away some sort of talisman

by the God, perhaps like capital G God, who used it to create the world and also to end the world and it's too powerful because it gets its power from light. So they're going to lock it in the darkness forever. But then

Queen Gadrin's evil forces show up and this is the first time you see the Vizier mentioned earlier. Who is just, I don't know, is it a Clint Howard vibe? What is his vibe that he's given on? I've seen Raiders of the Lost Ark so many times.

I'm just like, yeah, that's the Nazi from Raiders of the Lost Ark. Like when I see him, I'm like, yeah, he's a Nazi. Did not place that. Yeah, this movie had, I think, three Raiders of the Lost Ark villains because it has Pat Roach again and then it has Pat Roach again. Also just from Conan, also a roll scramble from Conan. Exactly, yeah.

Yeah, I don't know what his job was because I thought he was her Jafar, but then she had a Jafar later. So she had a better Jafar. Yeah, way better Jafar. So it seemed like he was just her like the opposite of a yes man who just went around and was like, you have a bad plan.

You're doing a bad job. And I was like, she should fire this guy. Yeah, no, you can't fire him because he quits. Yeah. Oh, he's skipping on the end of the movie. Yeah, it's really hard. It's hard not to jump around. So, yeah, this scene is

it's kind of awesome. Like they have a pretty pretty okay fight. I like how when the bad guys come in, the lady's like, oh sweet, get your swords ready. They're like, oh no, what do we do? They're like, we do this all the time. They whip ass in that scene.

Yeah, and the only reason that they were able to get him was because they ambushed him from two sides because they were like fully pushing him out and then they brought in someone else behind and I was like, wow, you knew you had to come prepared for the priestess ladies. Yeah, they got the blood rage. They just went after it.

Just snarling the ladies with the actresses were not afraid to get that fake blood all up in their faces too and just really getting in there. And normally in WoW, they only would have cloth armor so they would be really easy to kill. That's true. But they had those chainmail panties.

They kept trying to stab him in the ass and it was oh, you're one weakness, I can't get to it. There's really no reason they shouldn't be wearing chainmail panties, right? As priests, you can you can wear chainmail. Yeah, everyone in that world should wear chainmail panties. Just an extra layer of protection.

Funny enough, Red Sonya that we've seen. Red Sonya does not wear chainmail panties and she quite famously has chainmail panties on in every other media. They gave it to everybody else. See? Okay, so one of the ladies escapes

this ambush and runs off and then all of the other ladies are thrown into the pit of eternal darkness and Queen Gendron throws the scepter in after him which is the key so they can never be released again. I want to interrupt real quick because we're skipping over one of my favorite

storytelling things they do in this movie where the Queen tells the first guy to touch the orb and he does and he just like jump cuts away like just it vaporizes him and then she points to a girl and says, okay, now you touch it. She's like, what the fuck? No way. And she's like, no, you're going to do it. I'm the Queen

and she touches it and everything is okay. And so like as the audience, you're like, okay but then the movie stops and it like says, that's right only girls can touch it. Yeah, yeah, we get it. She knew. So she knew. It reminds me like 15 times of that too

as if it's going to somehow come into play and guess what? It never does. It never does. No one like says yeah, we fucking live in a world with oven mitts like we can make these chainmail panties you think we can't make an oven mitt to pick up an orb? Yeah, well she expressly has those guys carry it

around everywhere. They put a little cover on it. They just put like a a lid over it. Skin on talisman. Yeah. Throw a blanket on it and you're fine. Like it's a task master task where they're like, okay, no men can touch the orb. Well, can I put it in a little box

and then carry the orb? Oh, yeah, that's fine. Oh, yeah, totally. What are you, Alexander the Great? Goddamn. Solved the riddle. The riddle of the orb. All right, so one of the ladies escapes and she hops on just a random zip line

that is so sweet. I mean, it's just to be it's just to be a zip line. It's just for a cool zip line stunt and it is cool until somebody does the one thing that you've never seen on a zip line before and they just shoot her. They just shoot her at a zip line. Because it's just a fun moving target. Right. That's bad luck, but

I'd say it's good luck to land in the arms of Conan just in time to give him a quest to be like. In the arms of who? Yeah, the greatest fighter in the world. Yeah, whatever. Right, but like she's like, oh hi. Every time. Best fighter in the world. She literally gets caught

before she hits the ground. It's like, oh, I'm dying. Here's the quest. If she got caught by literally anyone else, the movie's over. The world explodes. Yeah. Well, there's only 13 days until the world explodes. She tells him that. She's dying. There are 13 days they

have before this talisman goes nuts and just kills everything. It's like this idiot wrote, he read a screenwriting book and it said, you got to have a ticking clock in your plot. And he's like, okay, okay, I got this. This is going to be a real tight screenplay. 13 days.

It's just so dumb. Just so laid out perfectly for the audience. Right, they're just it's so many. It makes me wonder how the drafts went because there are so many redundancies for the first stakes for origin stories. Right. Character motivation. Everybody's got like

eight reasons to do everything. And you just wonder like, did they just pile drafts on top of drafts? Well, I saw something that I read that they were rewriting the script as it was being shot, which maybe is part of the Arnold thing where they were like, I think I can convince Arnold to stay here for like

three more weeks. Every single day they get him to stay. They're like, oh shit. All right, right again. One more day. Come on, one more day and every day he's like, ah, fine. We're going to have to cut so much. We need to have the origin in every single scene just in case they have to cut it.

You can't go back and erase the old stuff. You already filmed it. One of my favorite lines in the movie is when he then goes to get help. He goes to get Red Sonya because her sister has been shot. He just rides into the arena and he finds Sonya and he goes

your sister's dying and then rides away. Yes, that was great. And she's just like, okay, I gotta go. Did you want to know that was it? Your sister's dying. There's a moment here I really love where she's training with a guy in

the pit, right? And they're having a real tight melee. They're two feet from each other, just kind of banging swords and it cuts to the dudes on the side and their heads are zipping side to side like they're watching a tennis match and I'm just like, is that like a fucking joke? What the fuck? Why did they do that?

And it's just like a perfect Red Sonya moment where you're not sure what they were even going for and it totally didn't land. Got left in the movie anyway. Yeah, you thought they were building up to like a punchline or something and then it was just nothing. That was it. Well, and how about that

set piece in the entrance to the fighting pit that they were in where it was like a samurai warrior whose legs are spread and he's like squatting down wearing a skirt looking thing so it looks like he's giving birth to combat. It looks like if you look up you can totally

see his like dick and balls that you're like riding under the stadium in too. Yeah, as you ride out you gotta hold your hand up and touch the warrior balls for good luck. Just more and smooth. It's called a Hyborian reading when you're like Yeah. Nothing has ever been more distracting to me

than that set piece. Like maybe I missed so much in the beginning because that came on and all I did was just focus on that and be like, why is that there? Who made that? Now we know. Show us War Buddha's Gooch. We know Lydia's weakness is

30 foot penises are very distracting to her. Yeah, I guess. Like when Conan wrote under it I was like, is he gonna look up? You'd have to look up. Everybody looks up. That's how you know they're from that sound. You would have to.

They're like, I pass through this every day. I don't even look up anymore at the giant penis. Okay, so they ride out under the giant penis. They touch the balls for good luck. More and smooth from years of just ceremonial ball rubbing. They ride out to

again, just an awesome set piece for no reason. This killer like skull bold statue is where he he set the sister to die for no reason other than it's just a fucking metal place to die. If you're going out, you should be here. On this meatloaf cover.

Yeah, her sister dies giving her her third motivation to do this thing and then almost immediately as soon as her sister dies they see a huge like lightning cloud on the horizon and the talismans being used like just right away. So you will immediately know where you're going

to go and again just redundancies. In my notes, I love the delivery of everyone's lines here because Brigitte Nielsen she goes, what's that? And then Arnold Schwarzenegger goes, Pop Black, it's a great city. It's a great city.

It delivers it like it's a nice place to visit, not like a magnificent place. It's just so good to help. I think he probably didn't get it. No, it's a city of greatness. Try to it's a great city. Pop Black, great city.

Sweet place, love it. Yeah, we got a cousin at the time share there. Good club scene. Clean streets. I like the sound board they were using that had exactly one thunderclap sound effect but if somebody was leaning on it and just like with the

same exact thunderclap playing 600 times in a row. I love it. I like that it's just one cartoonish cloud. It's not like a storm has gathered over this one. It's just one giant cloud that they so they had a matte painting of a cloud

and put it over this city. I go, oh well, there it is. I thought every time you ran as fuck. Every time you use the talisman, it's just right there. I almost like my brain shuts off when stuff looks too good. Like in a modern movie when the CGI weather or whatever is like, oh wow look at the

CGI and then I just kind of my mind wanders whereas if I see like a shitty matte painting and some bad cartoon, I'm like someone really worked hard on this. Somebody painted it. Nice little cloud thing. I liked it. Lots of colors in it. Like it was a good painting.

It's great but just one big cloud. One big like cartoonish shaped cloud signifying storm here. Here's where we start to get our first clue is not Conan in quotes where he is just dying to help her. He's like, come on, let me come along. I'm a big help. I'm a good sword fighter.

I got this horse and she's like, no I hate men so I don't want you to come. But he's like trying to talk her into it. It's like, yeah, this is not a Conan move. Conan is coming or he's not. When he calls her a brave girl. Nope, that's why you're not coming along.

You're a real tough chick. Yeah, she fucked that. I mean, this is her character like arc though that throughout the movie she learns to like men is I would argue she had a very good reason to not like men.

I'd argue every woman has a really good reason not to like men. But also every man in this movie gives her yet one more reason to not like men. Not Falcon. Every man steps up. Not Falcon. That's true, not Falcon. Should have ended up Falcon. I spoiled it for anybody.

We're just at the scene where they meet Falcon. So I think it's okay. We got the fucking thing on the rails. This podcast is on track. Yeah, we're killing it. It's always good in a podcast if in the middle they announce that they're doing a good job. I feel like we should do that more.

I feel like more people need to do that. Yeah, it's the 35 minute mark. It's time to pause and just acknowledge what we've done right so far. And that's everything. Looks like everybody. We're going to meet young Ernie Rays Jr.

who's a total fucking dick and his bumbling servant Falcon who you might recognize from Popeye. He was blue-known Popeye. Kind of stopped acting shortly after this. I don't know if it was related. But he's like 1985's version of

Horatio Sands. But like tougher than that sounds. What was the deal with the kid? I felt like he had to be someone like... Oh yeah. Okay, yeah. I can give you a history of Ernie Rays Jr. So he was like what you see him doing here as a young martial artist.

He was in probably like five or six movies at around this age as like a young karate man. Isn't it amazing this kid can do kung fu? Yeah, yeah. I was like he had to have been like this was the thing that he did in a lot of movies. This is what I assumed because he was so good.

Yeah, and most people know him from like Surf Ninjas or Ninja Turtles 2 The Last Dragon. He's in a lot of like that Eris movies and then he kind of just never got like a breakout role. He was a bad guy in a lot of stuff. He was a bad guy in the rundown.

God, what else? I don't have his IMDb open, but like he's a really talented martial artist and when you see him in the rundown you're like holy shit, Ernie Rays Jr. grew up. But like he just never like broke through. Okay. He didn't have that like Mark DeCasco's

moment where you're like finally Mark DeCasco's he's a legend. Lydia's understanding. I'm getting that. I get what you're saying. I don't know who Mark DeCasco's is but I get the kid. He was...

I'll give you the Mark DeCasco's history. We should pause again to say we're doing a good job but we're staying on track. Still doing a great job everybody. But yeah, Ernie Rays Jr. has been acting since the, you know, the moment he could talk as a kung fu fighter. He's been in hundreds of

terrible movies and a couple of good ones. He did have a real solid like two years around this time where he was just in a real big budget movies as the Karate Kid basically. He was our Karate Kid. Not a household name Karate Boy.

For probably a decade if you said you know that that little kid that does the karate most people would know you're talking about. I figured. Man, that kid could do karate. That was nuts. Yeah, he's great. I think he does a good job as an asshole too. He's a total asshole.

Prince Tarn, Lord of Hoblock and his overweight assistant is bumbling buffoon Falcon with a K. Who's like really likeable and funny. His lines are fucking full on Scooby Doo jokes

He delivers them with such sincerity. You're like, okay, this guy Yeah, I like how he was presented until the end when they seemed like they suddenly remembered they had a fat character and they just had to do like eight fat jokes in a row and then did not

do them. There's like a five minute sequence where they're like Fatty does this, Fatty does that everybody lost fat and then they just forget to mention it again. Okay. Why did we do that? Yeah, it's like their second writer that they brought in was like oh I hadn't seen this guy yet this guy's fat. Oh no, I gotta do hang on, let me make some script edits.

I got it. We brought in a specialist to punch up the fat but there is a little tunnel they're going through and I swear to God the motherfucker says diet starts tomorrow. Motherfuckers doing Garfield jokes. And then he falls out of that tunnel onto

a feast table that he breaks and a giant leg of mutton falls into his hand and he takes a bite of it. And he says I have this in my notes, he goes how's the food around here? Like no sense of consequence. He's just fucking from a different movie. It's not a wacky scene to this

point. This is not the economic breakdown it's the big, we're doing such a good job. Isn't it really funny to think of a diet in hyboria though? What is a diet like there? Do they have slim fast bars in hyboria?

You just eat less of your enemies. He might as well say hey boy I feel like a Datsun in a Buick garage. There's no such thing as a diet where you're from. You fucking eat when you can catch a goat

and you're not being killed by the evil lesbian queens men. Yeah your diet is that you're now homeless with the prince and you live in the woods I'm pretty sure you're going to lose that weight like don't stress about it. What babbles me about that scene is that that's not

the character intro. That's not when they join her. They're just like she shows up, she saves them and then they're like yeah fuck you and so she leaves. They obviously join her later but like why why do that whole scene you can again

these characters are introduced twice and joined twice for very little reason. I love the inconsistencies and the character too because when she shows up she's like hey get it knock it off boy and he's like boy and he talks like he's going to have her executed

and then later when she's leaving she's like you know what you gotta do take that little fucker and spank him and he just kind of rolls his eyes like some indignities are outrageous death sentences and others are like whatever. I love that. And it's just out of left field

our later interactions with him where I just had to be some abandoned storyline I don't know they keep bailing they like set up a bit and then they bail on it and then they pay off a different bit yeah it's a disaster but next she meets some random gate baron

who's played by Pat Roach who was man-aimed in the last movie and Tothamon right and Tothamon again roll scramble just such a fucking bonkers thing to do to make a big budget sequel to a huge franchise

and then switch all of the rolls around and change the names just yeah and it seemed like they wanted you to know that was a guy too like when they introduced him it felt like the movie paused and was like hey remember this guy and I was like no so now I know why they did that

you remember Tothamon iconic character Tothamon who had two lines I remember man-aid iconic character man-aid so this random gate baron Tothamon was the wizard who turned into a man-aid

he was pre-man right never said his name in the movie did they I believe they said it one time okay yeah but they did not say man-aid but we all know man-aid we know man-aid from the credits uh

so this guy demands obviously for payment let's acknowledge the sweet lizard helmets first they had the sweetest helmets excellent helmets uh and so he won't open the gate for and she's like impatient

I guess she's done this before they know each other and uh his payment is sex of course he's like oh if you want to come through you gotta give me sex every single man gives her a reason and so I guess she's I guess she gave him sex the other time she's been here

because like I said they know each other and so but today she's not into it so she's like no no no how about we have a death duel instead and uh he agrees to it and um yeah it's pretty good fight scene yeah but it's fight scenes at least

the sword fights were pretty good they were pretty solid well most of them there were a few that they sped up into wacky fast motion but this one was solid Pat wrote you did a good job but Prajit Nielsen did a great job just looking like she was holding her own against him he had the best line with the

I will tell the future in your end trails red woman it's like everything he says to her is like that you just kept trying lines like that until he landed on that one which was good he's like I'm gonna feed your eyes to the birds red hair you're like alright no no tell the future on your intro that's it that's the one and she does started with that one

and then she he's like uh what did she say I don't need eyes I could find you at the 100 paces with your smell or something just she does not have burners to get back to I believe the tell you future in the end trails was I know my future you have none

right my entrails are filled with food because I had a breakfast okay she doesn't do super great in the swordfight I like that there's storytelling that she's kind of you know and she's not

super humanly strong she's not quite so that exposition fairy lied and so did the training fighter guy they all just lied to her about how we're actually almost feels like they had to pretend like she had magic powers just so she could be like on par with the men that she fought

because otherwise they had to give the audience they thought they had to give the audience some reason to believe like a woman could fight but we did see Conan a barbarian and Sandy Bergman was whooping ass in that movie and then Grace Jones it's a crazy decision but I feel like that's why they did it because she wasn't

super powered even though they said that she was right I don't remember in Conan a story of them taking a minute to say like okay Grace Jones you drank a magic potion and that's why you can fight dudes she would not have stood for that you cut that out of the script I'll go rip your dick out of my teeth

that's what she would have said they probably did I don't think she would have even said it I think she would have just done it that was her note I don't think you get a warning she got to go through the script but Brigitte Nielsen did not right she's just phonetically written every day she's like

I don't know did she speak English at this I think she's Danish I thought she was German but yeah I don't think that she did I know of Brigitte Nielsen only because she was on the surreal life she was so good on that show what a freak

she took her shirt off 40 seconds arriving to the set she's like she's so good they had to mosaic the tits off of Brigitte Nielsen for probably 70% of the whole show to mosaic the tits off it's a great project

anyway enough about Brigitte Nielsen's tits it's time to talk about Red Sonja right she turns the tide on Brightag with a ballshot of course that's every woman's fight scene good storytelling there kills him right afterwards

despite promising not to all of the lizard headed warriors with their sweet sweet helmets just everybody take a minute and go look up these helmets right now and just appreciate them just google top helmets

and I bet you'll get it I bet it'll come out first top movie helmets of all time if there are not eight places from Red Sonja there is a great injustice being done in this one the only thing they were missing was little arms coming out the side

because they reminded me of those pencil toppers that are like lizard heads if they had little arms that would be number one best helmet so it's time for Arnold to show up for his set day he just leaps out of nowhere and is like Sonja I'll help you and start slaughtering

he's having so much fun does 800 times better than Sonja did in her fight just mows them down and to her credit she does just take off she just completely bales on him which is great when she's fighting all these guys

she's gonna die but then Arnold shows up exact same number of guys takes out one dude by means of surprise and then we're just led to believe like oh he's in no danger like the movie is telling us that this guy is the real fighter and Red Sonja is like yeah she's fine

as in every single scene he shows up like fucking tuxedo mask and just does one thing that changes the whole tide of battle so she takes the giant key I love that Brightag has a giant key for his giant gate just a good good

good set design, good prop design opens the giant gate and again it's so good Brightag comes with key so he opens the gate and they get on their horses well she gets on her horse and goes to take off

and he's like once again twice he sacrifices himself to save her he once again says you know I'll hold them off and she takes off and I was just leaving I was already gone she books ass but at no point do they address the fact that

they clearly show they have the only two horses they're both on horses and none of the guys are you could just leave and it would be fine but he just has to be like nah nah these guys are I know you were having huge problems with them these guys are just

just rookie league shit I'm just gonna have some fun here which I love is a very Conan move my very Conan move is just okay yeah sure see you later yeah he like eats shit this entire movie where he's just chasing her around and then she just like flips him off and rides away

and then he's like okay I'll see you the next time he needs saving maybe that time we'll hang out nope nope okay so they run across she runs across a tarn again this is his second character intro getting fully captured

yeah he's being quartered by just a bunch of 1970s pimps like they don't explain why they're the fanciest characters I'm sure they get a name or something but I was so distracted by that

guy's giant red hat again a very good hat I thought he had stolen it from the prince I was like why is this guy wearing the princess hat like I thought that was telling us that he'd been messing with him for a little while but no that was like the hat he came in yeah he came with just this

bizarre like can opened hat and all of his sidekicks all of his henchmen were also just in like Victorian ball masks and shredded ball gowns and it was just a really I think it was like a warriors gang thing

all the bandits in the land make little themes they didn't have any roller skates they're like what if we're just like majestic ball pimps yeah and it seemed like the kid was having so much fun in that scene too by the way we're like there you could tell they had him hooked up to some like bungee cord

kind of things and he's like bouncing around and I was like he's having so much fun right now yeah they never really established stakes especially whenever it cut to somebody and they were doing something cool they just had like a big smile this is great

it's one of the reasons I find the movie a little more endearing than perhaps it deserves yeah I think they had fun making it except Arnold who'd been tricked into being there but uh Arnold does not seem like he had fun you never see how it's like well maybe that's why he stayed was cause he was like dang this is a party

I guess I gotta stay also he was fucking Brigitte Nielsen oh my god really? how much older is he than her cause it seems like a lot I think it's an age appropriate maybe a few years but yeah I think it's oh man I thought he was like way older than this

okay I think he was in his mid to late 30s and she was just like 20 so I don't know okay well that's not quite as bad as I thought though we'll have to look it up but yeah cause I also thought she was around like 18 or something

I thought she was just tall she was pretty young again Arnold was just a monster none of this would be out of character for him at all I'm sure on the director's commentary to this he talks all about plowing her at different parts of the set

yeah almost guaranteed I think she was married I will guarantee it and then I think after hooking up with Arnold this is all again 30 years of rumors later but I think she was married and then she hooks up with Arnold then she divorces her husband but then she hooks up with Sylvester Stallone

and of course marries him for a while got a tight unintelligible muscle man because she's an unintelligible muscle woman I mean you can't blame her those are both, it seems like people I guess I can picture her with for sure

she would break any other man Arnold was there like getting tricked into being a movie and destroying a marriage that's what he was doing just another day another day in the 80s for an old voice in anger so they she runs in and cuts free

Tarn and they just destroy the random pimp squad for the pimp squad is gone this is their only purpose in the movie was to introduce this character for the second time and this is where you realize Falcor's weapon which is another one of my favorite decisions he just has

a giant Fred Flintstone bone I was obsessed with that I loved it, every time he pulled it out I laughed it was amazing they never explain it I like to think as an apologist for this type of genre

Dragon bone or something because he has like blocking swords with it but they never say hey my trusty dragon bone it's just a fucking bone he just has a bone but if it's it looks like a Fred Flintstone bone it's a big cartoon bone and my favorite moment in the movie

again this is skipping ahead is later when he's like bonding with Tarn he reaches in his coat and he withdraws a small word you've earned it it's time for your bone look at the tiny bone you've earned the bone junior that I carry around

bone for tops I think that was the hardest I left in like a year when he pulled out that little tiny bone and gave it to him I haven't laughed in a movie that hard in so long it still gets me just thinking about it it had nowhere to fit in there

so it's cartoon logic too that he's just pulling it from a void you would never see that coming in this movie and then they play it straight like it's a touching bone it's just beautiful okay so they get themselves out of that and they cut forward to

Gedron's castle a weird mopey faced castle again such good set design never explained that she just has sad faces drawn into the walls all over her castle to get in it looks like a butthole was I the only one who thought that no 100% that's in my notes

that's a butthole not like a sphincter like it's not star shaped it's just concentric circles but they somehow made it look like it was like a colonoscopy picture yeah and especially because it's a bunch of faces up front and then they show a giant red circular hole that they're calling into you're like

um someone's a colonoscopy and say that's a perfect door it is definitely the butthole of the mopey faced castle and that's probably why all the faces are so mopey it's just like a traffic butthole probably higher traffic than you want

I love everything about this scene she has a jillion candles in the room to just pump up light into this oh my god I posted that on twitter I was like this is like when my mom goes to Yankee candles like in spite to get three free and she comes back

why why was like why not put it outside the sun I agreed this sounds way better lady you cannot do this you're putting too much light into this thing he keeps explaining the logistics and the stakes to us as an audience that like this thing

eats light everyone remember this eats light and if you put too much light into it it'll blow up the world and she's like hahaha light okay okay I can see we're really getting through to her she has a fucking pet spider that's of all the things in the movie this is by far the worst

it's just like a big ass pipe cleaner monster on a stick it is just pipe cleaners I swear to god it's just if they make giant pipe cleaners and I flashed back to how awesome that snake looked in the first coat clearly you have

access to some sort of artisan that can do this they have the phone number and then you have like bargain basement Halloween decoration and all the skeletons around what was the spooky skeletons in veils it's a fucking party city room

can I suggest that there must have been a conversation behind the scenes where like a costume or a set director person called a store and was like I need like 500 skeletons and they were like okay we don't have the regular skeletons but we have these like shiny chrome ones

oh sweet yeah say no more bring them bring them by as many as you can get and pipe cleaner spiders I need as many pipe you only have one well can you build a mixture of spider on the way at a carpet and pipe cleaner absolutely yeah we have a really

terrible looking spider here for you because it's going to get a suspicious amount of screen time and then never show up again never not even when she's fighting for her life in that very same room with that spider nobody deals with so many things abandoned

my favorite character it has his scene here and he's the alchemist the vizier whatever the magician another Raiders of the Lost Ark villain was he who was he in Raiders of the Lost Ark I think his name was a mom anyway he's fucking sweet

he's dressed like halfway between a grandma quilt and a chess board a moo moo of some kind definitely yeah he's got a great like bob that goes down into golden jerry curls and his nails I want to say his face is painted white but I think he's just that white

he's just really sick yeah he's got like huge press on nails that he's like having so much fun with his country cousin he like articulates with his hands a lot because he's like look at my nails and again they make the a point for the character

the villain character to be gay because he turns on his magic mirror and he was using it to watch gay porn is that what was going on I think that's what that gag is another red sonia joke that just completely didn't land I think that's what that gag is is he was using it to watch gay porn and then goes oh no

and then it's feeling so oddly he seemed more annoyed than embarrassed like someone else was jerking off with his scrying machine and it wasn't like he's not like oh oops I blew it it's like god damn it who has been big IRL I think that was supposed to be the gag I couldn't say

because I would have to decipher the mind of whoever wrote this I think they very much and like how they shot it they did want you to think everyone in that army was gay which is a really weird choice but then we moved from this weird point in set design to just the fucking high point

of all cinema where our party is outside and they come across a lava ravine and they're like how are we going to get across and then four feet to the right is a fucking dead dragon that is like just turned into a bridge like it just died

getting curb stomped I guess the raddest fucking set design it's so cool and it's just full of that and like that bowl that her sister died under was just there a giant bubble this is the dragon bridge nobody's like oh this was from a great time when dragon they're just like

sweet bridge someone had to kill that thing just right to make a bridge they're like I'm really tired not being able to get across this lava let's lure a dragon right here I got this idea it's probably not going to work but let's try it oh my god I can't believe that fucking works this is the scene where they need to have

I guess some sort of character payoff where she tries to spank the prince right he comes out and it starts being a little shit head and she grabs him and tries to spank him and Falcor is like no if you spank anyone you spank me yeah

I guess it's supposed to be played off like like I'm willing to sacrifice myself for my prince but it really comes across like I would like to be spanked by bridge and me but even the little boy gets a little fresh with her like everyone is trying to fuck redsonia and again

can't blame them but for the little boy to do it and the elderly man to do it it's like maybe pick one of those that doesn't just have one character that doesn't try to fuck Brigitte Nielsen right for this arc to pay off where she learns to like men she should probably like one of the men

they're all just such shitting and then all the way up to the end they remain just like shitty and just trying to fuck her and finally she's like alright skipping to the end doing a great job great job so the bad guys are watching them

through their scrying machine and so they release a killing machine and that's all we know about it right now and the queen is like okay but don't have your killing machine kill redsonia and he's like lady it's a robot I unleash like

Vizier does not have time for this shit he applied to a professional army and he got this goddamn shit show he's always telling her no and she's always saying well if you don't do it I'm gonna kill you he's like it's a I'm unleashing a monster I can't really be responsible

she's like well you are because I guess she wants redsonia for just dark sexual assault purposes still wants to assault her like has had her face ruined by her and it clearly has driven her insane it's supposed to be the character but still still wants to fuck her instead of killing

still just super into her even though she has a girlfriend who's right there who the whole time is like okay so they're stealing a pearl I guess the falcon is

the good guy and Ernie raised juniors is like steal that pearl and falcon is like I don't that's probably somebody's pearl we shouldn't take it and Ernie raised juniors is like now take the fucking pearl and then redsonia is like guys you gotta get out of here the water is rising because it's sort of rainy

but it's not yet it's just water and even if it was to rise they have hours before it's any kind of danger and that's the stakes and yet those stakes get raised when the killing machine which is just like a robot snake

shows up in the water and we get 20 minutes of the fucking shittiest sea world show it's just this- I believe it's important to note I think it's a giant robot catfish I thought it was a robot like a crocodile hi everybody's got a different take

that's how good the design yeah and it's just a metal thing so nobody's swords do anything and again the fully artist going nuts with his one little and I love the advice once they see it she says

get out of the water and then falcon goes yes and so they all that is what you do instead of coming out the way they came in they just kind of climbed the very climbable walls just an inch out of the water and stop and that's

20 minutes at that and then occasionally they'd go back into the- someone who found reason to go back into the water and then the stupid fish monster would drag them around in a circle then Conan shows up and he joins in he gets dragged around the water until- he gets straight

fucked up by that puppet like that scene looks so unpleasant like it's clearly it's clearly on they do a lot of close-ups of him just getting dunked and water boarded and dunked again and he looks so unhappy I think that's why I liked it so much I was like this must have been hell for him if you're a short snigger showing up for just a cute

little cameo in a movie for a good friend and he's like okay cool getting the cold water we're gonna have this fucking machine drag you in a circle for I don't know 7-8 hours for 3 days straight he's like what? no but the scene the scene here just has me finding the sister

and like oh you haven't seen the latest pages we've been writing them today come on I came here for the day you have me for the day no and it's one of those things that does go on for so long that it becomes

funny again and then gets not funny and then becomes funny again because it's so long and I loved it I was that's my favorite scene and that's this whole movie I think is that scene I love how he says I can't kill it

it's a robot and they're like okay well we understand what robots are and we can't kill it the next line is like we gotta stab its eyes wait but you keep stab the robot's eyes out

delicately drag the pearl eyes out of this fucking robot and it's not like it's like switching to audio sensors it just rises in pain like someone taught this robot how to hurt and it just wiggles around in the water and then they all leave they're like okay let's get out

it's not it doesn't turn into a stealth mission we're like we gotta get out quietly well I can't see it's just like it's over they just leave it there thrashing like yeah well fuck you it is really weird that there are no other robots in this movie and then all of a sudden there's a robot and they all know what it is

they know what it is that's bizarre again any other movie you'd think that was escalating oh she has like death machines right and that's gonna show up later nope totally abandoned never mentioned again there are no other death machines the climax this should have been a 30 foot robot

like a giant fucking skeleton or something oh that would have been awesome or a giant spider just even just having the spider yep the alchemist could have thrown some powder in his bowl and the spider gets 30 feet big boom there there's your scene

so around this time Calador Conan is uh revealing that he's really the high lord sent to destroy the talisman so he is the main character of the movie he's just revealed that he's the main character of the movie you haven't seen his adventures as the main character

of the movie but you've been with the B team this whole time he's not just a helpful dude he's literally on a sacred quest to do this exact same thing again such a problem in your movie to empower women it's just like if that's true

that Arnold asked for like second billing and that's true that they're writing those pages you know they gave him those pages on the day he's just like and now I'm the main guy fucking I mean none of this I signed up for none of this we're gonna empower women but then a man

showed up so right and I like that he's wise and kind and filled with noble purpose which are all very not Conan traits so it's like just they were so driven to like have a man come in and take over the narrative

that they just rewrote this Conan character to be a completely different dude so whatever and he doesn't get drunk or high the entire movie which is like that's not Conan straight edge Calador is straight edge Conan he does hit honor here but like gently

and like respectfully well one of his lines is you didn't need a man's help or no you didn't want a man's help but you needed it yeah I didn't like it and I don't think she liked it but then

she brings up how she will only be with a man who can like beat her and then again this is very not Conan he like comes back with logic he's like so then I guess you can only be with a man if he tries to kill you oh that's logic and he even says that that's logic oh my god when he said that

great Conan great Schwarzenegger that's such you know modern dialogue though like that's logic it's some incel shit there that's like some fucking internet like Conan would know what logic was Conan would think logic was like a barbarian

he killed in the last town Crom says fuck your logic and yeah he also says if you'll only be with a man who will conquer prepared to be conquered and I'm like that's hot little Sonya he calls her little Sonya

yeah okay that part sucks but the other part the conquering part that's a sweet line yes yeah he fucked up that line though prepared to be conquered little Sonya so she was like oh oh oh so then they have like a friendly and horny like not a sparring session

but a full on try to fucking kill each other in my nose they have a sword fucking they do some sword fucking but like they don't like Borrow Falcon's bone or have like a fist fight take their very very sharp swords and throw haymakers and like sneaky crippling attack shots

like their ankles and legs like one of them should be maimed at least and so it's weird it's like they're friendly they're about to fuck but they need to prove each other in a fight and I'm like you could just wrestle right you could there's ways to compete physically that isn't so deadly

yeah I could try to picture them pitching that like we're gonna have Arnold Swartz and Edgar wrestle a woman in our movie Arnold was so down for that that was Arnold's pitch you know we're fucking off the camera right do you want us to do it here on the camera

do you see it is okay if I penetrate you on film knowing her prepared to be conquered she just whippertop right off yeah so in this scene in this scene Tarn gets up

and starts like play fighting with them. So in the metaphor, right? Right. If they're sword fucking, he's like masturbating to it. Yeah, that's so creepy. Everybody got that, right? Yeah, because it is like supposed to be a metaphor for them having sex.

So it's like they've acknowledged that and then he does the sword thing and I'm like, ugh. And then the child gets up and joins in by himself to play with himself and you're like, oh, okay, I get it. And I like Falcon. Yeah, I don't like it. Falcon here just kind of gives a few knowing nods to a few of the sword clashes.

Like he's liking the show, but he's like, you know, he's retired from all that. His fuck days are behind him. It's sword fucking days anyway. Yeah, that was my least fair part of the movie. Yeah, bone fuck yeah. Bone fuck yeah. Yeah, bone fuck yeah.

Yeah, bone fuck yeah. Oh, oh no, all right. They also had some really like dispute fight moves too where like Arnold turned around backwards, put his sword behind him and she took the bait for that, was like, okay, I'm just gonna hit your sword, I guess, and not like cut your head off or poke you anywhere else in your body.

Yeah, there was some great fight scenes. This was not one of them. And unfortunately it goes on for another 20 minutes. We just got, we just got out of a 20 minute scene. Everybody's fucking tired. The audience is tired. You go into another 20 minute. They live style alley fight.

Would they really show us them getting exhausted and just dropping to the ground? They're like, you wouldn't believe it unless we show every minute. They're just fucking gassing out. Yep, it's a bad scene. A bold and strange decision for the third act you're supposed to be escalating.

It's just to pause it. I love the story beat. Like I love the idea of these two warriors having a sword fight for like, you know, the woman's virtue. And if he can prove himself then they get to have sex. I'm like, I like that as warriors. That seems like a very, very normal courting procedure. But yeah, it's just, it goes on so long.

The fact that there's two people watching is weird. That muddies the metaphor a lot for me. Yeah. The fact that one of them is a child trying to play along. I don't like the ones a kid at all. It really just really ruins the metaphor completely. You need to think about this metaphor a little bit. I like that one's just a fun guy carrying a bone.

Like if you're just gonna have a guy watching the sex and it's just a weird fun guy with a bone, I'm like, yeah, okay. Yeah. I get it. Yeah. I like it. All right. So they finally reach Butthole Castle with the mopey faces and they, they can't get past the Butthole.

The Butthole is too mighty for them. So they play Tarn's ego and this is where they give him Bone Junior. Yes. Adorable. I just want to. No notes for this one. I just want to relive Bone Junior. Everybody, everybody pause and look up Bone Junior.

I'm sure that's all. I'm sure those are the exact terms that you need to use. And these are the only results you'll get. Tiny bone that he was carrying around just in case Tarn became less of an asshole so he could give it to him. It's his man bone. Just in case. It's your Bar Mitzvah bone.

Bar Mitzvah bone. This is also, this is also the part of the movie. We've already covered the end of the movie. So we're recapping what we've covered. Yeah, that's fine. Again, we're doing a really good job. Great job everybody. So this is the part where they get to the tunnel

and he says, I'm starting my diet tomorrow. Yeah. All that happens. Jesus Christ. I can't, I can't believe that. I do really like the scene where they convinced the prince with like, oh, some, the bravest one of us has to stay outside and guard it and like Falcons in on it.

And I just thought this was like really cute. And the kind of writing that you're like, wait, they're capable of like good shit. What the fuck is the rest of this movie? Yeah. And so, so yeah, I like that. I guess Ernie Ray's Junior has the only character arc in the movie, which is it.

Yeah, he closes that a little bit. One of the few things about the finale we haven't already covered. We've covered that the talisman is shaking apart the world and that her, her advisor is like, what the fuck are you doing? You're just gonna die. And she goes, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

So now they, they, they climb up to the top and they just like jump into the dining room where, I mean, this is Falcons turf, like the dining room. So he just fucks up everybody with his bone. Falls onto the table and breaks it. You gotta have a fatty falling onto the table and breaking it joke. And then a piece of mutton flies into his hand

and he says, how's the food around here, good? And then he starts fighting. Yeah. And again, the, the movie, there's a lot of joy in the fights, like Conan and Wittson, you seem to be having a lot of fun, but it gets fully zany at this point. Like it's now a Scooby-Doo show, like Falcons,

like slapstick beating these people to death with his super bone. They, they do do the soup scald. The cauldron of soup does scald somebody. So if you got blue balls from that soup scald in Conan, here's where it's delivered three movies later. Yeah, I saw that and I thought, oh, they're going to do it finally.

And then I was like, wait, it's Conan. I'm not going to let it trick me. I'm not going to let it. And then they actually did it. Yeah, they did it. We're also reminded once again, that only women can touch the talisman. Cause Sonya's like, guys, you can't leave without me.

I'm the only one that can touch the talisman. So it's like, yeah, I really think we'll figure it out. Right, but we can put it in something or we could like poke it with a stick. You can hit it with the bone. Roll it. We've got a bone right here. Look at the bone, Leigh.

I could just take off my vest. I could kind of wrap it around it. I think it'll be fine. When the, when your female character's biggest use is replaced by a vest, by a piece of cloth, sack. They keep reminding us. Please put Sonya with a sack. So God, then the Nazi from Raiders of the Lost Ark

comes out. You know what this character's name is? I lock or something. It's low key backwards is, is how fucking dumb is that? I call. I call, yeah. So, Ikel. So he runs into Ernie Rice Jr.

and just seems to have no sense of danger despite like him holding a real sword. Like he's a master of kung fu holding a real sword. He's like, get out of the way. He's like nudging it away with his fingers. Like get the sword out of my face. Like, I feel like even if it's a seven year old holding a sword on me, I'm like,

I still don't want to get cut by the sword. This guy just doesn't even care. And easily like slaps him aside and kind of beats him up. But yeah. Yeah, it turns out he was right not to care because he just slaps him. He just slaps him right to the ground. Yeah.

And, but then God, how does the fight end? He like throws his sword and he like gets stuck under the wheel and like. Well, he accidentally hits like the switch as he's running through Ernie Rice's tarn. That was so. Yeah. And it's in the butthole.

He gets crushed to death by a giant butthole. In front of the child. I felt so bad for the kid because I don't think he meant to kill him and then his death is like in the movie very like exaggeratedly painful. I think it's the most painful death we see. To be fair, he is all grown up. He does have his man bone.

That's true. He has been recently marmots. He got bone junior. But the final showdown between Gendron and Red Sonja now. Yeah. After that scene and my favorite character, the alchemist. Yes.

The magician, the, I don't know the, what the hell is that guy? What is he supposed to be? What was his role? And never like. He was the magic and science. He had like a science kit where there was potions and. Yeah.

He's behind like a bunch of beakers and he operates like the machines, but it's also met. The court alchemist. Yeah. She, Sonja tries to kill Gendron and to be fair, she just whips Gendron's ass. Yeah. No chance.

It's a very one set. She's running all over the place. Oh, and can I, my favorite line in the movie is at that scene when she's fighting Gendron. I know exactly what it is. Really? It's, it's. Is it start with what were their lives compared to this?

Yeah. Sonja's like, you killed my entire family. And she's like, what were their lives compared to this? And she pulls off her mask and she's got like a cut, a single cut on her face. On her cheek. And here's what I love most about that cut is that either they forgot to put that on her face

for most of the fight scene or it's just very well hidden by her haircut. Like all it takes is like a little bit of a bob cut and no one notices this scar. Well, it's the mask. That's, she was covering it with the mask. And so she took that. Right.

No, but she took it off and like the rest of the fight scene. I just never noticed that. It wasn't there. Oh, okay. I think they either forgot or it was covered by like the bounce of her, her side band. Again, central character feature just completely dropped. Yeah.

Yeah. I did think that was good writing though. Cause it was like, she's such a narcissist that she's like, yeah, but you cut my face. Like. I killed your family by like, you cut my face. Like that's, you got the better out of this. And then she just gets her ass beat

or just gets owned after saying, what was that compared to this? And then just has to run away, toss and skeletons. Right. Throw in every prop in the Halloween store at her. Now, if you want to walk up to like the world's dumbest four year old and show him this fight scene and like there's a wizard four feet from you,

just like blasting a bowl with like, you know, spices. And then poof, every time he does that, some magic thing happens to the queen, right? And then red Sonya sees this and finally just says, you know what? Fuck that I'm tired of her teleporting around the room. I'm tired of her being like unkillable. So she just walks over to the guy and cuts his head off.

And nobody was prepared. No one thought of that. The guy was like, he wasn't in a balcony or anything. He was just on the ground next to her. And he's performing all these spells for the queen and she's just getting so smug about it. She's just, ha ha ha, you'll never figure this out. They even cut to her face after she stabs him

and she's just like, what? What? How did you solve this mystery? It's totally the Conan mirror scene again where it's just, just walk up and smash it. And you're like, what? And it took her so long to figure it out though that I was like, okay, there's a little bit

of wheel idiot Red Sonia too. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Geez. And you just solve it by smashing. That's the one riddle you're prepared to solve. I feel like I would have wheeled him just out of boredom. Like the second teleport, I'm like, oh man,

I don't know how to beat this boss. Well, I guess I can kill that other guy. Like just that's how, if I was playing a video game, that's just what I would do is like, oh, just go. I mean, I gotta clean up the room. You gotta clear the room. Gotta get the ads. So then she like beats the hell out of Gendron.

I think she gets million dollar baby during the earthquake. Like full on falls, like neck first onto a stone step. They make their way into the candle room at this point. Oh, right, right, right. So the talisman is there and they're fighting for the talisman and a gate falls down and like seals them away so that all of the men are trapped on the other side and the women are

in the room fighting for it. In Goofy, again, this is the fight with the Goofy fast motion, which is just, I guess it didn't look very good. Really takes you out of it that it's the last fight scene in the movie. They had to do the Goofy fast motion for. Well, Sandy Bergman was kind of a notoriously bad sword fighter.

I don't know if we mentioned this in the Conan podcast, but like she put some dudes in the hospital. Like she almost cut a dude's finger off and she's kind of a maniac. I think Grace Jones was more of a maniac, but not because she was unskilled, but because she's like a legend. But they only gave her a stick.

Right, but so like. That's why they only gave her a stick. You're not getting a sword, Grace Jones. Are you fucking kidding me? We don't have the insurance for that. So I think that, yeah, she's just not good at this. Okay. So yeah, she beats her.

Gadrin is stabbed, Tarn is trapped. She has to save Tarn and they do. You think it's gonna be like a turn where she has to choose between them? Again, no, they just ignore that. Gadrin's stabbed, it's over. They throw the talisman in the lava. It does happen this quick.

My question was, shouldn't that be bad? Like they said she had to destroy it by sealing it in darkness and she threw it in lava, which is like the brightest thing ever. I do feel like, yeah, I thought about this a lot and I thought it's very dangerous, but I think once it gets in the lava, there's no light. I feel like that's just like the flames reacting

to the oxygen or the heat reacting to the oxygen. I bet in the center of lava, it's pitch black. So it should be okay. If you were a writer on this movie and you brought up any of these points on set that day, they would tell you to shut the fuck up because Arnold's only here for 15 more minutes. Yeah, I think you're right.

Nobody's allowed to think about this. But yeah, the castle explodes immediately because I guess the castle was connected to the talisman, even though she had the castle before the talisman. So that one doesn't scan. When it hit the lava, all that light that came off was probably really bad to put in the talisman. Maybe that was just a lot of talisman.

Maybe they thought, no, they didn't think that. That's me being an apologist. Arnold gets another lift, bro, as he and Falcon lift the gate, which I guess they could have done the whole time if they really wanted to. Well, I think they can only lift it like six inches because they lifted it earlier

and Ernie Ray's Jr. slipped under. And then here they do the same trick to get them out. But like Brigitte Nielsen can't get out because her titties are too big. And that's what I just, I really liked that, that sort of a nice little touch to remind us of her femininity. Like it's just like sometimes being a woman

is not an advantage when your titties are too big to slide under a gate. The gate represents all of humanity. Right, that's the glass ceiling. And it's hard to get over that glass ceiling. This movie is actually where the term gatekeeping came from. Yes.

It's about the titties. Yeah. There's a lot of doorlifting in the climax. It's got to be some kind of metaphor. Like it's like a ninth or 10th door lift. And then they have another door lift coming up. They get out of there and they run and the butthole door is closed

on top of that dude on top of Eichhol. So Tarn learns self-sacrifice and says, slips out there to open it for them and says, you know, run, run without me. And they do another lift because Arnold did not get his contractually obligated lifts in by this point. So it's all about lifting the last thing to do. I'll do your movie, but I need to be able

to get my lifting in. You need to put a lot of lifting in the movie. Gotta get my pump up. I'm training for another movie. Lift another beam. He has to have like a standard amount of lifts built into a contract, especially at this point in his career, like just suspicious flex scenes

where like he's gonna do a sword thing, but then he has to flex his biceps for a long time first. I got to get the pump. The pump is like coming. And all day long I am coming when I'm lifting the door. I'm coming when I'm inside Rajit Nielsen. I'm coming. Can you believe how much I am in heaven?

You're gonna have to explain to Lydia that that's real. Yeah, that's, that's a real, I don't know, quote. Oh my God. He has, in pumping iron, he's talking about how the pump is like coming and how like in his normal non-workout life, he's just fucking crushing ass. So he's coming all day long then,

but then he gets to the gym and he's also coming at the gym. So all day long he is coming. Can you believe how much he is in heaven? That is the most disturbing thing ever. Imagine if I didn't remind you. Imagine if I didn't remind you to explain that that was a real...

Lydia would think you just started saying that. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, I guess I was okay with that. Thank you for that kindness. I sort of figured. Yeah. Okay, back to, they opened the door and time has just learned.

They'd be like, what's it like, what's it like working with Robert and Sean? She'd be like, well, Robert's fine, but Sean is like a legitimate non-workout. Sometimes he'll say things with zero context. He just stops. About ejaculation. And it's like, he's a strange man.

He talks about outlifting and coming. Dangerously strange. He's coming all the time when he's lifting. I'm so terrified that I'm going to be in a room with him and you lift something and I'll know what that means. That was really weird. Again, this is, that was just Arnold Schwarzenegger.

It was just a fucking maniac that rampaged over the entire world in the 90s. Yeah, that's the main thing I've learned from these movies. Like, I didn't know. Yeah. Now I do. Yeah, in the 90s, there was definitely a revamp to be like family-friendly Arnold Schwarzenegger is here.

He belongs in everybody's living room where if in the 80s Arnold Schwarzenegger was in your living room, it was a big problem. Yeah. It was like a hide-your-daughter situation. Okay, back to the movie. Tarn has just learned self-sacrifice and then the next thing they cut to him

just booking ass out of the castle, just leaving all of his friends behind to die. That kid already read, put everything he had into running away from that set. That set must have been actually set to blow up. He just fucking pure panic books out of there so fast. And it's such a funny to be like, I've learned self-sacrifice, fucking see ya.

Yeah, it's not a great, I mean, it's not a lot of learning. That's the end of his character. Like, he doesn't have any other moves after that. Well, he does watch them have their last fuck fight. Yeah, they write out, the castle explodes and they're about to say their goodbyes. And Arnold says, you know, I have a rule. I never take a woman who can't beat me in a fair fight.

Not true. I turn the tables on. Very, probably not true. Extremely not true. I've seen the other movies, so. Seems like a trap. Seems like a trap for a dangerous fetish. He'll have sex with women who are losing the fight

during the sex. Like, he'll be having sex while he's throwing a woman into the fire. We've established this. Now, does anybody else have Brigitte Nielsen's line written down? I don't think I did. Now that's such a challenge.

I might go about some day. That's really good. Here's what I wrote in my notes. All they kiss, it's motionless and tongless. That was my kiss notes. So if that's an indicator of what their chemistry was like off camera, I feel like they were just sort of there

to get each other a pump. Like, he's like, Brigitte, I need you to bounce on my penis for like 40 to 50 minutes. She's like, yes, we do need to get a workout in. Like, that's what, that's their chemistry. Like, this is the worst kiss. And I've seen- And it ends on the frozen and it zooms out

while they just hold it. Yeah. It's almost like a gag in a sitcom where they're like freeze frame, but they're like, the actors just stop moving. It's that type of comedy gag. And that's how the Conan series ends with not Conan and everybody character scrambled

in this weird freeze frame kiss. And then they're just like, well, we ruined it, everybody. We ruined- Fucked it up. This entire genre. You'll get Willow and nothing else for 15 years. I think what I've learned from this is I'm very forgiving to movies

if I'm comfortable and happy while watching them. That- So as long as your husband's there with you crackin' jokes. Yeah. You're fine with, yeah. No, that's- It's a hilarious movie. It's a great time.

It's a great party movie. And the costumes are so good. I love the scene with the friggin' snake, monster, crocodile thing. That was so weird and lasted so long. And I was just kinda like, it sounds weird, but you know when you watch old movies and old people are like,

they don't make them like this anymore. Like- They literally don't. Yeah, that's how I felt. Yeah, you wouldn't be allowed. You wouldn't be allowed for a very good reason because they learned that lesson from that scene. We're just like, oh, nobody's allowed to do this ever again.

Yeah, they don't do it because it's bad. But I don't know, I miss it. I like it. Yeah. It is. It's great to like revisit old movies and just be like, this is one big mistake. You did so long of a mistake here.

Everybody's going in that you didn't edit it out. You didn't cut it down. You were just like, Arnold fucking gets fucked up by this puppet. I think it's really funny. We're gonna leave all of it in. They never thought of how it might look on camera. It's like someone went to SeaWorld,

saw someone grab a dolphin fin and swim around in the circle. They're like, oh my God, that's the most amazing thing. I could watch this for 20 minutes. But what if at the end, you stabbed the dolphin's eyes out? Oh, hell yeah. 1-9-100, Frankfurt! 1-9-100, Frankfurt! In the podcast, come out!

And with Maximalim, ciao! Talk Frankfurt podcast? Correct. Yeah! The craft is not trapped, it's not without. Send it to the dog, for an hour. Come on, John! You kiddin' to mom!

1-9-100! 1-9-100, Frankfurt! 1-9-100, New York! 1-9-100, Frankfurt! 1-9-100! 1-9-100, Frankfurt! 1-9-100, New York! Yeah!

Noi, 1,000! Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the 1-900 Hot Dog Dancers. These are your Supremes. 3-finger, Louie, Adam Ruth, Adrian H. Ooh, doin' the robot, it's Aiden Mouac. Alpha Sciences, Javo, Armando Nava, Benjamin Sirenin, Brandon Garlock, Brienne Whitney, Chase McPherson. Children love the meat-millie, yes they do.

Oh, hey, also doin' the robot, it's Chris Brower. Dan Bush, the artist formerly known as Devin, the laziest man on Mars, Dean Costello, Dr. Awkward. Hey, it's Eric Spalding. Oh, hey, third robot, it's Fancy Shark. Hi, Fancy Shark. Haraka! Jaybur, Al Aiden, Jamie Gordon, Jeremy Neal.

Next up, it's the J Squad, that's right. Dance troupe within a dance troupe. Here's John, John McCammon, John Minkoff, Josh Paveon, Josh S, that's your J Squad. K&M, Lyman, Mark, Matt Riley, Hey Mike Styles, Mojoo, N.D., stop. Stop doin' the robot, N.D., we have enough. Neal Bailey, Neal Schaefer, Nick Ralston, Nick H,

Patrick Herbst, Paulie Poisewo, Rhea, Rhea, come on, the stage is crowded with robots here. I'm dying. Rich Joslin, Timi Lahey, Toasty Guy, Tom Sikula, Yo Saria, Zachary Evans, Zadar Fan, and Flamenco dancing for us tonight. It's Matt Cortez, that's the robot, Matt. God damn it.