The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - Extra Weiner 194 Gary Coleman Professional Angel

Episode Date: September 25, 2024

Sean baby, Hana and Erik proudly introduce the majesty that is Gary Coleman... in cartoon form!

Extra winner! Extra winner! Extra winner! Extra winner! Gather together from the cosmic reaches of the universe. Here in this great hall of justice are the most powerful forces of good ever assembled. Shunberry! Brockway!

Guest! Extra Wiener! It's a monster! Let's get out of here! It's a monster! Let's get out of here! Welcome to Extra Wiener! This is the bonus podcast for the Dog Zone 9000. We got so chatty about Jackie Chan and McCauley Culkin that we're going to just talk about Gary Coleman here in the bonus episode. Thank you for your support on Patreon. We're here with Hauna Michaels and Eric Barnes. We're all getting together to promote Eric's Monstors. That's right. And thank you so much. Yeah, kickstarter.com. M-O-N-S-T-O-R-S, Monstors.

Check them out. Awesome action figures. You can change the limbs. You can change the heads. They're badass. If you are a toy collector that's an adult or have some badass kids that would love some badass toys, check them out. Pledge.

Will these go? Buy them. Go to it. Yeah. Will these go with my erotic Todd McFarlane Wizard of Oz toys? They definitely would, especially the... Fuck yeah, fuck yeah! I want to say, I think it was either Snow White or the...

Or was it Wizard of Oz with... I think it was Snow White. Are they interchangeable? Can I take off Snow White's butt and put it on like your killer whale? Unconfirmed, but, you know, who am I to limit your imagination? You know? You're right. Thank you. All right. So we're talking about the Gary Coleman show. We all watched episode one, which was two parts, Fowled Up Fossils and Going, Going Gone.

Oh, wait. This came out in 1982, and it was a spin-off. I don't know if you know this or if you just thought the people who made this completely lost their minds. But this was a spin-off of a TV movie called The Kid with the Broken Halo, which was basically the same plot. It's about a little boy who's a recruit guardian angel and learning the ropes of being a guardian angel, which

we don't need to get into it. But that was always one of those things. I think when I was a teenager, it occurred to me that, do they not get a choice? You're a guardian angel, you get assigned to somebody, you just watch them pee and masturbate and, and like, what? Yeah, I have my notes. No, he's not an angel. This is Gary Coleman's hell. Yes.

They give him homework. He has to watch kids as you say, jerk off and, you know, just go through the embarrassing private things that people do. He has a micromanaging boss that just scolds him all the time. And he has just some purple trench coat pervert fucker that no one else can see but him. Mess up his shit.

Sort of. Yeah, well, except humans. Angels can't see him, but sometimes kids can see him. Sometimes. That's right. And he also has no real motivation other than just to kind of mess with Gary's day. He's not trying to kill anyone.

It's such a bizarre show. It kind of got wiped from history because Gary Coleman was a bit of a maniac. Like the big scandal he had was, I don't know if you remember this, but like in 1999, he punched a lady twice his size. She was hassling for an autograph, and it went to trial, he told the whole story. She scared him, she went up to him and was like,

give me an autograph, and he was like, what the fuck? He was buying a bulletproof vest to give you an idea of the kind of paranoid person Gary Coleman was already. So he gave her an autograph, and she was like, fuck this autograph, he didn't even say anything nice. And So he gave her an autograph, and she was like, fuck this autograph. He didn't even say anything nice. And so he's like, lady, come on. And she tore up the autograph and said,

I'm not going to watch you on TV anymore, which not a serious threat in 1999. And he said, fuck you, lady. And then they had their fist fight. And that's what passed for a career ending scandal in the 90s. I hear this story. It's adorable. That's a viral TikTok.

It was before, honestly, I think it was long after. Wasn't he a security guard at one point? Yeah, he was like no longer in show business. Was that after this incident or before? I feel like this was maybe why he wasn't a security guard anymore. Oh, so there's another, there's a video of him, like he jumped on a car of someone left and he was a security guard and he's like,

I'm not gonna let you leave. And they're like, fuck you, we're leaving. And he jumped on their car and they took out a camera and they filmed him. He just kind of like lost all of his adrenaline and now he's just a weird guy, like bored on the front of somebody's car. God. Anyway.

What a troubled soul that man was. Yeah, poor, poor Gary Coleman. I tell a story about how he saved my life once because I used to... My advertisers were this site called ugo.com and they threw this big E3 party with Gary Coleman playing video games against people. My bad behavior at the time was very rewarded, so I climbed on top of a van next to Gary Coleman and heckled everyone playing Gary Coleman. This was not something I was supposed to do.

So I was like, Gary's gonna fucking kill you, man. And Gary Coleman was like pretending to like it, but this was like his pet peeve is to have someone like perched above him screaming things about him. We went out drinking with his agent last night. She explained how like I was making a skin crawl all day. And I, that sucks. I didn't want to hurt Gary Coleman's feelings,

but his bodyguard said, do you want me to kill that guy? And Gary Coleman's thought about it said, no, don't kill him. So that's the story of how Gary Coleman saved my life. And it's a weird story and I'm sort of a butthole in it. But anyway, I, we'll talk about this. This, um, I kind of like that story. It's, it makes, listen, you have one of the few stories in which Gary Coleman came out the winner.

You know what I mean? Yep, exactly. Exactly. Kudos to you. He's a good guy. We hung out a little that day. There were no hard feelings. He recognized me as the guy who had been fucking around above him all day. I say all day, it was probably like 10 minutes, but that's a long time in Gary

Coleman's worst pet peeve time. In my head canon, it was probably like 10 minutes, but that's a long time and Gary Coleman's worst pet peeve time. In my head, Cannon, it was minimum 12 hours. Yes. They had a weird E3 booth. They had like a Ace Ventura look alike and he would walk around just saying quotes from the movie. Like, God, why didn't you punch him? This was like in the first,

this was the first.com bubble where people just threw money at shit. They're like, oh, E3, let's spend $200,000 a day on whatever. However you want to spend that. Brewster millions that shit. Let's make this Hollywood Boulevard. Babes. Yeah.

Was Brown Elmo there? Oh, he was definitely there. Not in that costume, but the man who would one day be the brown Elmo was definitely there. This is back when he was still cherry red Elmo. Before the costume got dirtied and aged. So, I'm trying to talk about Gary Coleman's cartoon where I don't know if he's dead. They don't really give the origins. This is the first episode and he's already like an angel

and then he gets sent to earth and when he's on earth, no one can know he's an angel and Never explains why but he also yeah, right My brain keeps going around like is this ableist and they're truly keeping us in limbo Yeah, we don't we don't know I'm not following. Against people who are short. I don't know. Oh, okay.

I don't know, man. I don't know. Ableist against Halo owners. You're not on trial here, Honda. I was just confused is all. That's all. So they tried to explain this. I really care if someone's able is.

Right. Mm-hmm. If there's an intersection between those things, I don't want to hear it. I mean, it only ends with handsome, sexy horses. Yeah, so. Eric, you always find a way to bring it back to the main topic and thank you for that.

Thank you. Good. Can you be my guardian angel? The show tries to explain Gary Coleman. It's a weird premise. So the show tries to explain it by like the wizard hornswoggle like throwing a rain cloud over a picnic. And Gary sees this from his cloud,

and he's like, oh, I got to fix that rain cloud. So he does it with a halo. But like, that was the whole plan. He's like, god damn it, he ruined my rain cloud. And so you're like, is that? Is he like a Care Bears villain? Like what is this guy's just trying to like make people cranky? Like what the fuck? Yeah, yeah. So many more questions than answers from their explanation. And that was a wordless intro. So it doesn't

explain anything anyway. Absolutely. Yeah. So yeah, if you remember, Macaulay Culkin's like, I have a bit of a catcher's mitt and it gives me a wish once a week. OK, bye. Yo, baby. But this is just like, here's 40 seconds of madness with no one speaking.

Anyone could have come in and said, OK, here's the deal. He died in a horrible car crash. But he was a terrible child, so he's cursed to forever. Just save picnics. You're like, shit, that's weird. God, I wish that was his only job. Just go from park to park to save picnics. So get across over with Yogi Bear.

Try to stop. The Laugh Olympics. Yeah. Yeah. Well, well, well, well, he tries to stop Yogi Bear from stealing picnic baskets. He's in the Laugh Olympics. He's a pole vaulter. He tries to stop Yogi Bear from stealing picnic baskets and ruining things. Anyway, sorry. Derailed.

Let's go back to the horses. Go ahead. I don't think we should bring that pitch to Mack. No, no. So, Gary Coleman is trying to learn how to levitate and he fucks it up so badly that he levitates straight into the ground, the opposite of levitation. Ha ha, he sucks at being an angel. What are we doing here?

They go into a cave to find caveman relics, and there's a, there's a, I took a clip of this. It doesn't make any sense to me. Hornswoggle, his antagonist, jumps out of a tree, and he challenges Gary to a race for no stakes no prize I don't fucking get it I took a clip I'm about a little race, Levo. Horn swaddle, just what I need. Like I need a case of measles. Your humor matches your good deeds, revolting. But about the race? You're on.

First time I was in a sack race against a real sack. What? What is any of it? And then he just, there's no race. He just vanishes, and they move on with the cartoon as if nothing happened. So those are the stakes. That's, this is the first episode.

That's the first time we meet this guy. He's like, want to have a race? And then he leaves and no one cares. Yeah. And that's, and it's also when we find out his name isn't Gary Coleman in the Gary Coleman TV show. Yes. It's Andy LeBeau.

It's Andy LeBeau. Sure. Cause it's based on a TV movie that no one remembers starring Benson and Corey Feldman. Oh really? Mm-hmm. Oh. It's different. Um, God. It's a real... I took some notes on this. It's a real Jackie Daytona name. It's a real like I only use this signing into CD motels. I'm Andy LeBeau, human guardian angel. Professional air balloonist.

Come ride on my dirigible, my hot air balloon. Mm. There's a scene where he has these kids that he knows. He's also got an Urkel, like Macaulay Culkin, and a little girl that really wants to have sex with the dead angel child, Gary Coleman. And they're on a runaway bike and Gary Coleman teleports into a tree and he's just a weird invisible head.

And then he shoots a puff of magic at the bike. It doesn't change direction. It doesn't do anything. I watched this five times. I don't know what happens. I don't even know why I'm trying to explain it. It's as close to nothing as anything has ever been, but the show takes like 45 seconds to like demonstrate it.

Some Korean animators spent a lot of time trying to draw it, and it isn't anything. So there's a lot of mistakes that had to be made to create what we saw. Maybe we don't need to keep humans in art. Yeah. Maybe we don't need to keep humans in art. Yeah. Yeah. I co-signed. Co-signed.

Agreed. There's a scene where they go into a cave. And Gary Coleman, the dead child, is afraid of caves. I wrote that down in my notes because that's fucking crazy. That's crazy. Again, not to sidetrack too terribly much, even though I always do. Didn't they dig a hole and then found a cave in that hole? Yeah, exactly. Yes. They went to an archaeological dig and just started digging, found an ancient cave, specifically what the archaeologists there were looking for, and just started... In fact, Gary Coleman ran into it so fast he knocked himself out on a wall.

That's the amount of care that they were taking with these ancient priceless scientific artifacts. Jeez. Hornswoggle is there and the kids see him because he's dressed as a caveman. There's a moment where he like, he pulls all the clothes off of Hornswoggle and now again, it's weird that, I took a clip, I don't know how to explain it.

There's more nudity. We found them. Great, how would somebody find us? Uh oh. Andy, where are you going? I just spotted another relic. Yeah. And then he pops his clothes off. Oh, here's where he did it. Dick. Yeah, your, uh, dick.

Never mind you. Yeah, your fucking weird red dick. Even for this, why I'll... Andy, where are you? How dare you make me nude, child? Mmm. I'm so annoyed at this. So the stakes did get elevated.

It was a race, and now there's a naked man in a cave with three children. Too many naked people in all these cartoons that we're doing. All of them. Agreed. Agreed. I don't know if that's how they all are or if that's just the way we pick cartoons. Maybe it's our fault. I think it's pervy animators.

So animators. Yeah, that could be. Animators. Yeah. Definitely. There's a scene where the kids are skirting along a narrow ledge, and Gary Coleman turns invisible and saves their lives by holding a rock under them, which seems like a really high bar of difficulty

for an entry-level angel who can't levitate. To suddenly have to levitate under death-defying children and trick them into thinking a rock is not levitating under them. I don't know. The cartoon's all over the place. They start dangling and he throws his halo, but not to grab them, but to saw a rock near them that falls past them and creates a bridge they can fall on. Again, I don't think that they were given coherent scripts

when they sent this to Korea for Animation. Especially since, oh, they're about to fall off a cliff. What happens after that? Oh, they almost fall off a cliff again, seconds later. Right, like off camera. Yeah, and on top of that, this town, first of all, what is this town's name I don't is it told oh did they say they say it they pronounce it three different ways throughout the

one cart okay it's either old Phil Oakville or Oatville I don't know which one I don't care to find out but But just want to make note of that. And secondly, there's a couple of... The children of... I was going to say there's a... Go ahead. Go ahead. Oh, okay. I was going to say that there's a lot...

No, why don't I go? You go. No, you go. Yeah. Alright. I'll be quick. The children of Oatville, Oakville, Oldville... They definitely need a guardian angel because this is like the fifth time these children almost died within 10 minutes.

Right. Two of them near naked man. Yes. Needless to say, I guess I understand at least the why of a guardian angel for this town. Yes. Anyway, please. They could definitely use it. Your thoughts. I think I was going to say something like how there's

a lot of hints that none of this is real. All of it's taking place in someone's hallucination. Characters pop in and out of existence. Some of them can't be seen all the time by other characters. Again, Gary Coleman died. Coherent plot. And is in hell. This is hell.

Yes. This is the good place Spoilers for the good place. This is the good place before the good place happens That's probably the best working fan. I think we solved another one. We said we did it We did it we solved the Gary Coleman show and wish kid today Thank you for solving them it is at this point that I will tell you I did not get to this cartoon at all And I'm sorry Like fuck it. I'm not watching it is that when the fat bird came back is that what happened? It's worse than that

And I'm not kidding and I won't go into detail Okay, so you know to recap There's too many animals in my life for someone who doesn't leave the house. You were geoguessing a stranger at TikTok, fat shaming a bird, and giving your cat a stern talking to to prepare for this podcast. It was more about encouragement. Listen, I thought that I could, you think that you can like get exercise biking out in the amount of time it gets to exercise bike, but when your exercise bike

is next to the litter box, then you have to give a poop talk, which is a pep talk. About poop? Okay. And stop biking periodically, and I didn't factor that time in because I'm not good at time management or space or animals. Was Hanna, was it the cat that put the put the shit box right next to the exercise bike?

Answer the question. No. Is the exercise bike also in your bathroom? Oh No, neither of them are in the bathroom. The litter can't now be. I'm just saying, there are other rooms. You're talking to a man living in a studio apartment. I have no sympathy. You're right. You're right. I've seen the amount of shelves you've had to hammer in. It's a lot. All my toys have to live somewhere, Hana. All my toys have to live somewhere. Yeah. Yeah.

Anyway, this is a peek into each one of our lives, Sean baby. I live in a cloud. We're both apologizing right now. He fears the bike. I fear commitment. And it's probably because my dead grandma's in it, but I thought she was in the room. I fear my dead grandfather. So there's a dead grandma in the bike

and it's next to the litter box, but it's not scary enough to make the cat shit because the cat only shits when it's crazed and soothed. Yes. OK. Sorry. It sounds like you have the bike in the wrong spot. I agree with Eric. I think the bike is in the wrong spot. We should just move it. Uh, yes. Yeah, one of them needs to get moved. Maybe wean the cat away from the soothe and poop technique

It's taking a toll on my time Because I don't know about you because all I know is is that listen I I had to be trained at one point I've talked about Rue on every single one of these episodes I've done with 1-900hotdog and I am so, so sorry to all of you and all the hotdogs. You're living up to the ongoing podcast canon of your appearances, Hana. Don't apologize for that. Our son was a mistake. Exactly. I'm sorry? It would be so weird if you came on and everything went to plan.

Our orange son was a mistake. I'm not going back on that one. Well, that was Mr. and Mrs. Trump too. That's what they said. Our orange son was a mistake. Yeah. But, uh, but- Finally.

Finally, it's a Trump podcast. Finally is. But ultimately, what I was trying to say is that, you know, I too had to be toilet trained at one point, and at some point my parents had to stop soothing me as I had to poop. So, you know, you're gonna have to do the same with your orange son. You can't just rub their back and say, oh, what a good boy, when they do that thing. Yeah, he can't rub his back. He shits outside the box when he rubs his back. And that's, and same with me. That's why you can't do that. Yep, exactly. We solved another one, guys.

Oh, that's right. Yes, it's a twofer. I don't think we need to go into the second part of the show. Hornswoggle does steal the halo, which I thought was like, ooh, that's some stakes. Maybe that's what he's trying to do this whole time, is steal that magic halo. Right, like that's the source of his power? Yeah, that would be a real like-

It can be. Something for an antagonist in a cartoon to do about a guardian angel. But he immediately auctions it off, like kind of on accident in a way that I, my notes are just like, what the fuck is happening? Like I'm so frustrated just because it's incoherent in a way that like

I'm not even sure what mistakes led to it like it's just It truly is dreamlike in its madness. I I broke it down So the kids are getting together to raise money for I don't know the youth center something like that Mm-hmm. And Gary is there to help them collect all the junk they're going to sell for it in a junk auction or whatever. And one of the items is a cigar box, which Hornswoggle somehow takes Gary Coleman's halo

and puts in a cigar box and puts the box up for auction. So Gary Coleman's like, but I don't have any money and I can't buy it. Oh, so he didn't know the halo was in there? No, he knew. But for some reason, he he in a way to fuck with Gary Coleman's brain. All of his friends are bidding on the cigar box and they'll find out he's a guardian angel because there's a halo in it or just a halo. But that's obvious when you explain it. Yeah, no, I get it. But there's still because there's a halo in it or just has a halo. Oh, holy shit! But...

It's obvious when you explain it. Yeah, no, I get it now. But there's still a problem. You're not wrong with the plot because as soon as he sells it for $25, Hornswog is like, yes, I got the 25... Wait, I wanted the halo all along. Fuck! Right, right.

Yes, you're right. I wanted the halo all along fuck right right girl, I'll buy it from you for fifty dollars and then He gets the fifty dollars. He slips on a roller skate Drops the box the box reveals a halo Gary Coleman grabs his halo gives him the cigar box and he discovers the cigar box is empty. He's like oh why did I do that? Why did this cartoon occur nothing happened? the cigar box and he discovers the cigar box is empty. He's like, oh, why did I do that? Whoa, why did this cartoon occur? Nothing happened. So there's a Garret Coleman does the classic cartoon exit line where he's like, oh, you can say that again.

And then the dumb fucking asshole says the thing again. So he does that. But then he lets out such a cackle. Like, like he just he was horrified. I took a clip of that. Hanna, you're going to you're going to hate this. Great going, Andy. You bitten on that cigar box, put the auction over the top. Brilliant. Oh, it was nothing.

You can say that again, too. Oh, it was nothing. Chilling. Chilling. Yeah. Gary Coleman murdered a man in the recording studio. That's what happened. That's what caused that. Unrelated to that line read. Unrelated. He's just joking the life out of a man. unrelated to that line read. Unrelated. He's just choking the life out of a man. It's a monster. Let's get out of here.

It's a monster. Let's get out of here. It's a monster. Let's get out of here. It's a monster. Let's get out of here. It's a monster. Let's get out of here.

It's a monster. Let's get out of here. It's a monster. Let's get out of here. It's a monster. Let's get out of here. It's a monster. Let's get out of here.

It's a monster. Let's get out of here. It's a monster. Let's get out of here. It's a monster. Let's get out of here. It's a monster.