The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - Extra Wiener - 252, Which Bond is it? with Alex Schmidt

Episode Date: November 5, 2025

MORE Brosnan! Because one Brosnan is never enough. Just ask Schmidty, he'll tell ya!

Extra winner. Extra winner. Extra winner. Extra winner. Gather together from the cosmic reaches of the universe. Here in this great hall of justice are the most powerful forces of good ever assembled. Sunbury. Brackway.

Guest. Extra Weiner It's a monster Let's get out of here It's a monster! Let's get out of here! It's Extra Weiner, the bonus podcast of the Dog Zone 9,000,

which is itself a bonus podcast of 1,900 Hot Dog, and we are back with Alex Schmidt to play. Sex, fucking, fucking, fucking. No, I forgot to come up with a name for this, but this is a game called Which Bond? Which Bond is it? Just a simple one. Okay.

Oh, yay! I really do love the James' about franchise. That's very exciting. Okay. The rules are simple, but they are subjective. So it's not just trivia. Rules are going to be entirely at my whims as well. Winners will be determined by your accuracy, your passion,

your flattery, and your bribery. I'm going to give you a scenario, just a theoretical scenario, and you're going to tell me which actors' portrayal of James Bond best fits that scenario. It's up to you. you to decide what's right and argue the point, unless it's up to me in which case, fuck you.

Fair. If one of you is just right, you get two points. If both of you are right, you get one point. If I decide you're wrong, no points. No appeal system. That's just how it works. That's the bond way. Got it? Yeah. All right.

Let's play which bond? So, tell me, and this first one, this is just to calibrate the game a little. Okay, so I'll let you know. I'm not going to let you know in advance each time, but there is a right answer to this one. Some of them will be subjective. This one, there is a correct answer. Just to calibrate the game. Tell me, which actors James Bond is most likely to

hit a woman? I mean, I think I know. I'm going to say, Sean Connery, when he's playing Japanese Sean Connery, I'm going to be like Show me to answer that area What I'm talking about James Sule, Bonsu And then

Sounds real good when you do it You are absolutely correct It's Sean Connolly There can be in a weather answer That's one where there's a right answer All right here's another one Where there's a right answer But in a different way

And this is the last one Where I'm going to give you a heads up To finish calibrating the game All right Okay. Tell me which bond is most likely to kill a woman. Jesus. Uh, God.

I feel like the obvious answer is Sean Connery again, but I do feel like Pierce Marozan might have seen the most women die. Uh, it's not the question. Okay. Then, yeah, I, I'm kind of with you, Sean. Because also, like, it depends how actively he killed. Zanya on a top, or if he's just kind of present for that, you know? Because usually in those movies, if he would reach the point where he needs to do that

as Bond, then just circumstances do it. Like they fall off a cliff or a rope pulls them away or something. Right. But also, I think Roger Moore might have killed the most women. I mean, Sean Connery enjoyed it more, but Roger Moore might have fought the most women. Okay, so your answers are Pierce Prasen and Roger Moore. Yeah, let's say. Incorrect.

Incorrect. On both counts, no points will be awarded. The answer was Timothy Dalton. I'm sure other bonds have killed women, but we're talking about most likely. That's important in these scenarios. Timothy Dalton is sexy, he's cool, he's dangerous,

he absolutely murders women keeps their hair as trophies. That's what his bonds does. You can just tell the look at him. Okay. Game calibrated. I get it. Game calibrated. All right. You do get points for those, or each have one point.

That was like when Q is demonstrating the gadgets in the lab, and now we take the gadgets out into the feet. Exactly. And now we take them out, and we... No, I'm not going to finish that. All right. Your first real, real round. Tell me which bond is most likely to try to return a hot dog.

Oh, it's definitely that. one bond that only got the one movie that no one remembers his name. He's returning a hot dog right now as we speak. George Lazenby? George Lazenby. George Lazenby is a pretty good answer and pretty good justification. He just really needs to.

He can't afford to eat that hot dog and pay for it. I got you. Schmiddy. Yeah. I, so I would say the same bond, but partly because when we're talking about the lawnmour man,

that reminded me of the comedy show, Garth Marengi's Dark Place, where it's like a fake knockoff, Stephen Kengesh writer, who's bad at him, and makes a bad show. And that show is full of scenes where he is wildly cheap, like won't pay for a cup of coffee, or is like very focused on whether you should buy low-grade or medium-grade batteries, and just a bunch of like nonsense about financial little minutia.

And I feel like Lazenby is a little bit of a Garth Marengi. Bold strategy You're taking advantage of if both of you were right You each get one point keeping it tied So you're both at two now Okay So that was the right answer Yeah I'm going to give that the right answer

This one was subjective There was no solid right answer to it It was based on your arguments And I believe you had the same argument And it's valid George Lassenby He's at Garth Marengi Lassonby's a Marengi Like

Yeah yeah The Lassonby Marengi scenario, of course. All right. Tell me which bond. Shut up from a deep sleep. What if two guys were the same guy? Call it the Thomas Guy affair?

I got to get away from that. What if two guys were equal, similar, equivalent? What's another word like that equilibrium to perfect? Face off. Two Equilibriums. Tagline, you can never have too much equilibrium. Perfect. All right.

Tell me which Bond is most likely to entertain a male-male threesome. Three men or two men and one woman? Two men and one woman. Okay, cool. Okay. So let's see. It's got to be Craig, right? there's one part in Skyfall

where he is comfortable with Bardam being homoerotic with him. Okay. Good, good argument, many. That's true. And he's real Jim Buff. That's a pretty good sign. Yeah. Yeah, it would be welcomed by all other participants, yeah.

Mm-hmm. I got a question. Is there other man participating, or are they just keeping it limited to high fives? You know what? Let's go participating. Oh, wow. Okay. But plenty of high fives issued.

Of course. But some smooching, a little smooching. Yes. A little sack tapping. Okay. Yeah, yeah. Let's see. Let's see.

You know what I'm going to say, George Lassonby. He doesn't say no. Do you think, again, it's just for the money? No, I think he's still got a little bit of bond charm. but just not enough. So, like, when he's returning a hot dog, the hot dog guy will say, like, you know, I know you were James Bond. My wife loves the James Bond series.

You're not her favorite. You're, like, her seventh favorite. But, like, want to come home with me and maybe bang me and my wife together? I'll give you a full refund on the hot dog. And he's already said yes. I also, I just really love that George Lanzibia is her seventh favorite out of six possible buttons. She wants to make room for

whoever's next. Yeah. Number six is action spy. I like action spy. All right. You know, I'm going to give that to Schmitty because I buy Daniel Craig more. Remember, we calibrated

this. It's most likely. I do buy your argument that it'll hasn't be, but like, he would have to be put in that scenario. Yeah, it would just happen the one time. Daniel Craig gets offered a male female

threesome every day. Yeah, I'm offering him one right now. Daniel Craig, come fuck me and my wife. I'll ask permission later, but yeah. I'm more of a high-five

kind of guy in an M-M-F situation, but like, I'm open to it, like, make your pitch. I'll give those high-fives. Sure. All right So Schmitty and Sean you have two points Schmitty has four points now

Hold ahead there So you get two points if you're right And the other person is not So tell me which Bond is most likely to Let his dog lick his mouth While calling me Widdle Biddle Kisses I think I know this Whittle Biddle kisses

It's kind of mind-binding to imagine James Bond with a pet, right? Yeah. Like he just seems like such a cold and loveless man in his day to day and like to care about a dog back home. It's, it's very interesting. And too much. Yeah. Right, right. It wouldn't be Daniel Craig. Daniel Craig's dog would die and he would swear vengeance like John Wick. Yeah. Yes. What does he say to the dog again? Right. Brockway, what is it? Whittle, Biddle Biddle kisses or something? He calls them Wittle Biddle Biddle Kisses. He calls them Wittle Biddle Biddle Kisses. He calls them Wittle Biddle Biddle Kisses. He calls them. Kisses, yes. Little bit of kisses. Yeah. Hmm. I'm leaning Roger Moore, but it's interesting to.

I think it sounds sarcastic. Because Roger Moore's a little bit patrician, too, you know? Like, you can have a dog in addition to some relatively nice mansion. Like, not just man cave stuff. Like, actually can have a nice touch to it. We're dog. We're dog cushish. It's Sean Connery.

That's just him trying to say something completely different. It sounds like that. Yeah. it's it's the Japanese one he's trying to say yeah he's Ashi he's got his whittle-biddle chish's sword that's it

that's the answer no I'm sorry it's a great argument I wish I could give it to you but Schmidtie is right she really is right it is inarguably Roger Moore is the only bond

who would not Kill a dog. That's six for Schmitty. Still too for Sean. Not impossible. It's not impossible to pull this off yet. It's a great poll quote for any of the Roger Moore Bond films. This one probably won't kill your dog.

Underline, probably. A little wavy underline. Yeah, there's a little subtitle like not part of the John Wick universe. Like the opposite of that ballerina movie. Dog still might not survive. Not a big. Explicitly. All right

Tell me which bond is most likely to Die of colorectal cancer Oh no God One of the Oh this is going to be so dark Because one day someone of these actors might do that It's a real problem for men

Oh yeah you got to get checked Yeah get yourself checked Don't take don't get chances I think they lowered the age I think it's supposed to be, well, it's 45 now. Your doctor's telling you 50, old information. I'm trying to... Don't die like?

Okay, I think I'm trying to picture the way... You know, when Q gives them all the guns that will... And then gadgets. They all kind of fuck around, but I feel like Pierce Brosnan fucks around the most. I feel like he has the most flippant attitude towards safety. He would be the one who, like, wouldn't get checked. I bringing up his headquarters, I almost want to pick the guys who play M in any of the older Bond movies, like pre-Judy Dench basically. All of those dudes seem like they have every older man illness and are just patricianing their way through it.

Yeah, they didn't take them to look very sickly. They look very bad. Yeah, my answer is those guys in that office with like the padded door and Money Penny outside. I appreciate the out-of-the-box thinking Now I'm going to give this one to Sean This one to Sean is four to six now I do think I think Pierce Brosnan

I don't think anybody would ever tell Pierce Brosnan's bond to do really much of anything They would never come up A lot of fingers in this butt They're trying for that anyway Accidentally But if they didn't find if it was deeper in there Than say a finger might go

In a very enthusiastic greeting, for example. Right. Sure. I don't think they'd find it. Just a really badly missed hand shake. Yeah. Oh, sorry, champ.

I didn't mean that one. You did. It's Pierce Prousin. You did. It's fine. All right. So four to six now. Tell me which bond is most likely

to eat famous character actor and all-around scamp Randy Quaid. How much of Randy Quaid do they have to eat? Oh, that's a great question, Schmitty. This is a good question. God, I'm not going to say something impossible. It's like, who can finish a whole quade?

And you would not survive it. I like, 15%. You get your picture on the wall, though, if you do it. More than one. And it's free. The Quaid challenge. And he's up there. He's still up.

there a lot of people have tried and he's like oh i's figuring your stomach huh take another bite of quade uh see the the portion part is it's randy quade plus two rolls like you know you don't want to fill up on the bread with randy quade you know i have a very pragmatic answer to this daniel craig is by far the most jacked bond he just has to eat the most calories the most protein he's the one who's going to eat randy quade i also he's got like that edge of, like, violence. Like, Sean Connery was a bit of a sadist, but, like, Daniel Craig is like a run through a wall badass that would, like, really push through to eat, to eat that full Brady Quaid.

I think Sean Connery would be like, he would be like making, he'd be so homophobic, he'd be like, no, I'll never eat another man. You're like, don't make it like that. It's not like that. It's not that kind of thing. I won't have another man that's shyling. You're like, no, come on, man, it's, you're really, you're making this sound like something weird. Yeah, you're, you're both exactly right.

My only other theory is that I could see Timothy Dalton doing it in a pinch. You know what I mean? Like, if he's living on the streets and if the chips are down and some sort of totalitarian government is taken over and like if he's pushed to the limit. What about this? Timothy Dalton could make it happen. What about, like, a sinister, like, one-on-one Randy Quaid eating showdown? Like a high-stakes baccarat game, but are eating Randy Quaid. I think it'd be more like Casino Royale, where it'd be a table full of, like, colorful characters.

Randy Quaid in the middle, just begging for his life. Yeah, you guys don't have to do this. I think he'd be late on it like a, like a naked lady with sushi, only just no. sushi. Just like, everybody gets a bite. Tuck in, boys. Quaid's hot today. And then when Daniel Craig gets full, he like defibrillates his heart at his car outside so that he can get back

in there and eat more. There is a lot of cholesterol per bite. It is real packed. It's just like a mouthful of mayonnaise, every single bite. And the same texture. Man, you talk to yourself out of a point that Schmidt, like, I really think I was going with Craig and you were going to go with Craig too. And remember,

it's most likely. So when you added the part of like, if he was forced Timothy Dalton, you took it out of most likely. So it's back to a tie, six and six. Oh my God, I can't really tight game. Can't believe I'm hanging. Most tight game ever played. And a bond game with Schmitty.

All right. Sean was just simply very correct. Like, I can even imagine Craig figuring out the protein macros of the parts of Randy Quay. like it's it's dead on he's got my fitness pal open and looking up Randy Quaid Randy Quash what even is a Randy quash

I don't eat bad Those are the roles Is that of you Randy quash of course All right Tell me which bond is most likely to Go to a monster truck rally And call it Smashing Fun

There is a right answer to this one Oh I know this one Smashing fun Oh Did this happen in a movie? I have like a maybe totally invented memory now of a truckassaurus scene and a James Bond movie. Is that made up? That's probably made up.

It has to be made up. It's partially, you'll find a universal truth to the answers of all of these, even if they did not necessarily happen in the franchise. I think I'm just very suggestible, yeah. Okay, what are your answer? I think Roger Moore, as Bond would say that, but Pierce Brosnan, as Pierce Brosnan would say that. All right.

Yeah, I was thinking more as Bond that I hadn't reached that next level. Yeah, yeah, that's all right. I want you to remember what we established the Dalton rule. It's most likely. Oh, okay. Hmm.

God, I can't, I can only think of 17 reasons Timothy Dalton would be at a monster truck rally, so it couldn't be him. Because also, I know it's relatively gone for British people to throw around smashing as an adjective that way. And it's also a punny to call it smashing fun. But, like, it's still kind of patrician feeling to me and Moore and sort of Brosnan brings some of that. So I'm in their zone still, one of them, probably more. You got to choose.

I'll take more, yeah. John? Yeah, Roger Moore. Points across the board, it's Roger Moore. You know he's going to say some shit like that. Fucking asshole. don't fucking mock our national sport roger moore condescending piece of shit

get the fuck out of here uh all right tell me which bond is most likely to haggle an oriental massage those are his words Jesus okay bonus point

you want to do an impression of it I got it I got this I mean, my answer's lacked it. I don't think I have the impression in me. Okay, I got this. Let me just, let me find the zone here. Ma'am, I am George Lassenby, and this was the least erotic massage I have ever had.

And the least Oriental, if I could add that as well. I demand a full refund and one hot dog. Oh, I'm sorry, you're not going to get the bonus point. I think he was Australian, so he would have had to say the C word. Did I not say the C word? All right, Jamie, could you just add a C word? All right, Chmitty? I can't beat that George Lansombe impression.

That's just for the bonus point. You can still meet him on the answer. I mean, those events almost happen, and you only live twice with Sean Connery, so, yeah. You're going with Sean Connery? Remember him being, like, kind of a jerk to the ladies fawning over him, you know? Like, he was not even cool about infiltrating their culture in a horrifying way. I'm sorry, there was no right answer for this one, pre-written.

There was a wrong answer, and it was Sean Connery because he would not pay. You wouldn't even think about it. Okay, negative one for me? You just walk right out. No, no, you can still have your points, and Sean, you're going to get two but no bonus points. So that puts you at 9 to Schmidt's 7. You're coming back around. Wow.

Nice. All right. Tell me which bond is most likely to own a pair of underwear with his own face on the modifier on the front modifier stained. I have a question. Is the back a thong panty or a full brief? Thong panty, great question. One rhinestone where they intersect. So like a string thong.

panty yes okay wow uh okay there's almost not enough fabric to stay in right like that's wild yeah you know what I'm gonna do something crazy here's another modifier the face it's like stuffed and 3D like the koala on Jackie Chan's underwear first strike of course yeah that might change some things for you okay well I think there's only one bond who worked with Jackie Chan in a movie. And I'm sure Jackie Chan carries those panties with him everywhere he goes. So Pierce Brosnan also is the kind of guy when he goes to the underwear shop and says, hey, I want my face on underwear. They don't point to the sign that says, no, we won't put

your fucking face on your underwear. Like they hide that sign when Pierce comes in. So I'm going to say. Much like the paintings. So they won't, so he won't walk away with it. I'm going to say they broke policy to put his own face on his own underwear and Pierce Brosnan. Schmiddy you can still bring this to a tie yeah I think I could see

Lazen be doing it because Australia is not like the rest of the world right there's just a cultural difference where on a lot of dimensions I could see him going for it wow you know what

I kind of I threw that wrinkle in there at the end and I was like this will be a funny wrinkle to throw the the stuffed face panties like Jackie Chan had in for a strike I wasn't in the original quiz I threw that wrinkle in there thinking this isn't going to affect anything but then Schmiddy brought up the point that those were Australian yeah that's really good point and Lassonby's Australian I think he stole you had the point up until then And I'm sorry I messed with the integrity of this quiz. That was wrong with me.

But I'm going to have to give it. Going to have to give it to Schmitty. He's a cagey opponent. He always finds a way to tie. You are tied coming into this, the last question, the tiebreaker. The most tense a game can possibly be. Tell me, which bond is most likely to enter the gates of Christian heaven and be welcomed in the arms of Jesus Christ. our Lord and Savior.

Pierce Brosnan, finally answering. Yeah, I mean, they're all murderers. They're all just multi-murder. Even Lassenby had to have killed 35 people in that movie. But Pierce Brosnan would 100% charm his way through the gates. There was a correct answer. You both got it.

It is Pierce Brosnan, and not because he would charm his way through. All the rest? No, you're all mass murderers. Some definitely women abusers. Lots of other problems. problems with you. But Pierce Brosnan would show up and they'd just be like, go right in, man. Yep. Get on in there. Yeah. Also, he's not like hanging on to earthly things. In the brilliant film, the world is not enough. We learn that the crest of the Bond family, the motto is the

world is not enough. And so, yeah, he's not trying to hang on to things from his life. He's just ready to ascend, you know, move on. Yeah. Incredible. You both got, you're both tied. This game, this game ends with a tie. And so you both win the prize. And the prize. And the prize. And the is a bonus question. What a treat? Which bond is most likely to sing along with the song I'm about to play next? Don't wait for the song, I'm not going to tell you.

Oh, I bet it's ape lady. If it's ape lady, I feel like Sean Connery, the way he infiltrated the Japanese culture, I feel like he could also infiltrate other cultures. such as ape. So I'm going to say Sean Connery. Also, I think he would really like an ape lady.

I think he would be the first to make love to an ape lady. Pierce Brasnan is in a lot of movies featuring the music of Abba. So I'm just going to get out over my skis if this song is, not Abba, but I hope it's Abba and say Pierce Pratton. I mean, I'm going to offer a bonus point for an impression for both of you either. let's see how does ape lady go she's an ape lady I don't know how to sing as Sean Connery

Sean's walking away with it There once was a lady who got sick of the city So she made herself a plan To get out of the city Find a roots in the junk of where a woman is a woman and a man is a man She was looking for a mate She didn't find a man

So she found herself a name She's an apee She's an ape lady She's the mistress of the apes She's an ape lady When she calls their congregate They can hear her voice Bringing far and wide

She's the queen of the jungle Night among his pride It's a monster. Let's get out of here! It's a monster! Let's get out of here!