The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - The Secret Men: Part 1 - The Sex Brush with Jason Pargin

Episode Date: July 29, 2026

FINALLY! The DOGGZZONE gives you what you truly want... an ALL FRANK DUX PODCAST SERIES. Jason Pargin, Seanbaby, and Robert Brockway brave the blood stained pages of "The Secret Man" in what may be the longest runing podcast of all time. *THROATPUNCH*

9,000, the official podcast of 100 Hot Dog. We are the final only and premier comedy website. Go to patreon.com slash 1,900 Hot Dog for daily articles. We will email them right to you or visit us. You don't even have to pay. We have archives enough. You will never read them all. We are bad at business.

I'm Sean Mabee from the internet. And my partner is seven-time hunk champion, Bunn's assistant, Robert Brockway. That's true. And here is another Brockway fact. To this day, I hold the record for fastest punch. with a knockout at 0.12 seconds and fastest kick with a knockout at 72 miles per hour. You have to use different measurements for punches and kicks because they come from different

sides of the human equator, which is what karate masters call a belt. Our guest is New York Times bestselling author and living TikTok legend, Jason Pargin. I've not been given any information about what, about what, this podcast is going to be. This is extremely rare for me. Usually when I'm invited onto a show, literally no matter what they're talking about, I arrive with a book's worth of notes. Like if Alex Schmidt asked me to be on his show, he's like, we're going to talk about like those fluffy toilet seat covers that some people used to have in their houses in the 70s. We're going to talk about those. I will come in like knowing the name of the guy who invented those things. Right. You will

have sat down to pee for the last eight weeks in preparation. Just to get myself into the right headspace here, I have just been told this is the long-awaited Duke's cast. I know for a fact that I can prove visually, you have an entire book's worth of notes on this within reach, I am sure. I have never allowed myself to crack open that book. I am so afraid. Smart.

Let's do some plugs before we get started. Well, this is huge news to the listeners who don't. also listen to Big Feats. I don't know what the overlap is like. I assume that it's two totally different audiences who bitterly hate each other. Despise each other. But book five and the John Dives at the end series is up for pre-order now. It is called There Are No Giant Crabs in this novel.

A novel of Giant Crabs. It is up for pre-order anywhere you get books in all of the formats. If you want the buy links in one convenient place, you can go to a bit. dot LY forward slash crabs, crabs, crabs. The word crabs three times all lowercase bit dot LY forward slash crabs, crabs, crabs, crabs. It's a really nice URL. And an excellent plug.

Brockway, are you legally obligated to plug something? I'm actually, I'm not. I'm no longer legally obligated to promote my book. However, they did ask me to stop promoting my book. So I would like to take a moment to promote my book. It's called I Will Kill Your Imaginary Friend for $200. And everything in it is true. Just like Frank Dukes is the secret man,

every single thing in it is true, even the stuff that's wildly illegal for it to be true. And my publisher knows that, and they released it anyway. They condone it and they love it. Wholeheartedly, they couldn't be happier that I'm saying this to you right now. That's my plug. That's a great plug. Today, we are entering a world of ninjitsu and lies.

We are beginning our death taunting series on The Secret Man a book by Frank Dukes, whose true and real life inspired the film Bloodsport based on a true story. I'm sure you guessed all of this already. And if you do listen to Big Feats, I have read passages of this on that show. Today we're going to start going through the entire book, The Full Life of Frank Dukes, which he has maintained is completely real for 46 years. He has, to this day, if you talk to Frank Dukes, he'll say, oh, yeah, all that stuff is true. Now, he has had to make that a full-time job for the rest of it.

his life. It is definitely a monkey's paw curls a single digit kind of wish where he's like, oh, okay, so this is my life from now on, is just defending every single aspect of this book. I thought initially that he wrote this book and then he sold this book as a film and that became Bloodsport. But then when you read passages from this book, he's referencing his time on the set of Bloodsport. So I know that you're trying to get to the book, but very, very, briefly, how did he go from whatever he was doing to convincing Hollywood to make a movie about this Kumate he claimed to have entered? How did he rise to prominence? It started in 1980. He did an interview with Black Belt Magazine where they claimed, this guy claims he won a secret

martial arts tournament in the Bahamas in 1975. And it's been a well since I read it, but they are kind of like, this is fucking awesome, but like we don't know. We can't like, prove this guy's telling the truth, then that got turned into a movie, because it is an awesome story and an awesome movie. This book was written in 1996, which is 17 years after Bloodsport. No, no, no, I'm sorry, seven years after bloodsport, three years after the UFC, after like basically plain visual language disproved bloodsport. But yes, every detail of this book is pretty plainly a lie. most of it's been proven a lie, and then pedantic, like Brockway mentioned, it's been pedantically and desperately cast in doubt by Frank Dukes every chance he got for

the past five decades. Just some for instances, his Shadoshi is named Senzo Tanaka, and that's not a real title. And that's the bad guy from You Only Live Twice. And so people like, you got that from that James Bond novel. And then yet many years later, someone found some death records for a dude with that real name, somewhere near a place where karate happened, and they're like, this is proof Frank Dukes was telling the truth.

That's his idea of proof. As Brockway also mentioned, the fastest kick with knockout. That's nonsense, right? No, no, no. Frank explained on several different podcasts that the secret monks compared photos taken during kicks and then calculated the Miles Brower from those.

Western math can't do it, but like, you get it. From a still image of a kick. Yeah, and then he took a different picture later. They're like, you know, I took those photos about, 0.07 seconds apart. So like, yeah, we could, we could measure that. He got 56 KOs in one tournament, which is obviously stupid beyond reason. That's a tournament with too many people in it by a few billion quadillion.

So Frank made the claim that they like to pick them up from their knockouts. Or anytime someone got like medium to above medium conked, they get, that counts as a knockout. I'm not sure. I don't understand his logic here. It seems, if you're trying to. create a lie about you winning a martial arts tournament, you should use numbers that are plausible. That's my point. I guess my other point is that everything in the book is real. There's a reporter named Frank Parlato. Are you guys familiar with this name?

No. Okay. So this is a real reporter who he keeps believing Frank Dukes. Like up to like a few years ago, he's been writing articles about how true his Kumete victories were. Like if UFC comes up on his website, ArtVoice.com, he'll be like, UFC, you know, like the kumete that Frank Duke won 50 years ago. That's how he brings it up, just casually. You might know one of his big stories. He was the guy who broke the story of Nixium, that sex cult, with the celebrities. He was the publicist, and then he betrayed them to tell everybody about their weird sex cult stuff. And then he took a million dollars from them, hit it across 50 shell companies, then got in a lot of trouble for tax and wire fraud. We don't have to get in all the details. Also, all of it's allegedly or whatever.

he's a trustworthy source and he's the last living person who believes Frank Dukes. Okay, but Frank Dukes is not a non, like he does, he is a fighter, right? Like he does, does he do UFC? What is this stuff we have seen him do? Bloodsport, man. Yeah, we've seen the movie about his karate. He has done a couple of like Ripley's believe it or not type demonstrations. Like he punched through some broken or some bulletproof glass in sort of a magic trick karate stunt.

But we, as far as I know, no one has ever seen him fight. He would argue that they have this Frank Parlato guy claims he has, but nobody credible has seen Frank Dukes ever fight. He's never done it on camera, at least. I thought at one point he gave the explanation that he doesn't know how to fight to not kill. Yes, he's tried to use that. He said, okay, I have a quote from him.

And there's a recent story, from like the last 10 years, he said most people when they create a system, they reassemble techniques, borrowed from other systems. What he created, what he created accesses the frontal cortex of the brain while bypassing the amygdala, that part of the brain that produces hesitation through fear. So he's rewired himself to be a full Gary Busey.

He's got those neural ink monkey chips in his head. Cranked them all for bloodsport. Oh shit, that's a good idea. Yes. But yes, it seems obvious that he could have at any point just had a fight. And then if he didn't win,

maybe that'd be proof that he didn't do all the blood sports stuff. But also, he could just do pretty well and people be like, yeah, maybe he's past his prime, but he does know how to fight. He's never proven he knows how to fight. Which is funny because in 2017, he co-published an article with this Frank guy I'm talking about. There was basically just about how the guy who runs nexium, Keith Rainier, he couldn't have been a judo champ at age 11 because there would be all this proof lying around. It's basically every common sense thing that every sensible person says about blood sport. Frank Dukes says about this guy. Just I want you to understand that in my research, I found things that the irony like really hurt me. Like I threw out a rib reading that fucking

article. I've been on a podcast before a couple years ago, I think, where we were covering an interview, wasn't it an interview that Frank Dukes did on a ninja podcast? On the ninja podcast. And I remember at the time not understanding anything that was going on or why it was happening because like that host wasn't grilling him the host was clearly it was very important to him that and frank dukes if i remember it correctly he was very critical about how ninjitsu had been corrupted by holly and how it was all what what people thought it was was completely phony and then he was right he and the other the true ninjas that listened to that podcast were trying to preserve the real thing i think yes they had a lot of beef with another

with another, I think, podcast, certainly society of ninjas. And that's like, that's 80% of all martial arts is we just hate this other kind of martial arts. And they're both fake. I think that's everybody. Yeah. It's a world that I don't understand because I do obviously understand this style of storytelling, where you might just say, well, it's not storytelling, Jason. It's just called lying. But like, you know, the Mountain Monsters crew, that's obviously part of what we love

about them is they they don't break they they use k-fabe they that you know the the thing that pro wrestlers used to do where it's like no we're staying in character because back in the the olden days of wrestling when i was a kid like if there was a plane crash involving wrestlers like if the guy that got killed was a healed then the faces couldn't come to the funeral like they would like they would drag themselves away so their corpse would be found in a different spot we don't want to spoil that storyline because we had to fly on the different plane. Yeah. And so I get that. But with Frank Dukes, for example, I couldn't tell you how he makes a living right now. Like he's not still just making checks. He's not still getting blood sport checks, right? I truly don't know his finances. I know he runs the new jitsu school of traditional martial arts stuff.

Okay. Now stop. That's a tough. Okay. No. How? Okay. Stop. Now you're saying he teaches. So he does know technique. Well, yeah, yeah, he knows, like, ninjitsu. He can teach someone how to do ninjitsu, which is very, very different from full contact mixed martial arts. And you're not allowed to fight any of his students. Right. Like, none of his students, as far as I know, have had professional fights. I might be wrong about that.

But, like, when you go to his website and you see his instructors, they're like adult nerds. Like, they're Dungeons' Dragons Club. And, like, nothing wrong with that. But he's selling himself as this lethal, real fighter. and he's, you know, he's a martial artist. There's something wrong with it if he's teaching self-defense that would get you killed if you actually tried to use it.

This is the beef I have with all of the guys you cover where they've got like the pressure point karate that, like, well, there's actually a secret spot in the spine that doctors don't know about. And if you hit that, you can incapacitate a man much bigger and stronger and braver than you. And you're just imagining it's like, well, that's all, that's fine until somebody actually tries it. That's literally a Duke's lie. It's the dim mock. It's the dim mock. Okay. Yeah, you could make the argument that a lot of martial arts is fraud, that a lot of self-defense techniques would probably escalate a situation or get you killed

or just simply not work and you should get your money back after you've been murdered. I mean, there is a scenario which, if you follow Frank Duke's advice, you're about to get in a fist fight with both of your hands and a pair of white socks. Well, okay, but see, we keep joking about, we've made that socks joke half a dozen times on the Big Feets podcast. I'm making a dozen more. Unless they heard us talk about that Nidjitsu interview, because I barely even remember, he was claiming that, or where did that come up, the socks thing? He was claiming that if you were sneaking into a building, what was it? The most common paint color in hotels across the world is Navajo White.

So if you get a pair of Navajo white socks, you can put them on your hands and sneak them around corners at hotels and they won't be able to see them. It's, I don't know how it would use that. They won't be able to see your hands. They wouldn't. But why? But then I don't have fingers. You know what I mean? Like, I feel like that's a pretty serious tradeoff if I need to like hold my nunshucks.

You're in mittens. And barefoot in a hostile hotel, about to be, about to be. But the only thing on your body is that's invisible as your hands. I think this blew our mind at the time. We all agree the socks are insane. My second favorite lie behind the movie Bloodsport. Some of my favorite lies in the world. Okay.

I'm sorry. I've delayed you getting to the book, but I'm trying to make it clear to the listeners who this maniac is and why he was allowed to write a book. Because I've said over and over again, this should be the best-selling book of all time. This should be like a Harry Potter level success. It's long out of print.

It doesn't seem like anybody bought it other than, us, all of us. I still don't understand, by the way. I still, none of this. I have 8,000 questions about how. I accounted for this. If you have questions, let's get into it. If I went to, if I went to karate magazine in pre-internet days, I could just claim anything. I could just almost certainly, yes. And they would publish it proudly. The reason I'm fascinated with fake badasses, like fight liars is because I've known these guys my whole life. I knew them in great school. I had a kid who claimed that he was like from the mean streets of Indianapolis and told me how like you better not mess with me because if you grew up in Indianapolis, you had to know how to fight.

It was every day. Of course. And then when I was in high school, I had a friend, he had a family member who would come by. He claimed to be a Navy SEAL, but his stories were stuff he saw in a movie. Like even as a teenager, we made fun of him behind his back and also to his face. And you didn't get murdered? This way, well, at one point, like he told a friend of mine, he's like, I can, I know 12 ways I could kill you right now with my parents. And he said stuff like that all the time. And this was pre-internet. So there was, you could not just go out and report him to like a stolen valor thing. Like people could just say stuff. I don't know if the youths out there, you know, all the 14 year old kids listening to this podcast. I don't know if they realized that there was a time when you could just say anything. And that's just the way it was. So I grew up with like a common type of liar is the.

fake badass liar. And as I've brought up on the podcast before, you wrote a column about it. The difference is that when they describe the fights they've been in, they think fights look like the stuff you see in a movie. Right. Where if you've seen a real fight in all of us, I assume everybody has. And it's like two like sweaty guys kind of like each trying to get each other into a headlock for five minutes and then one of them just falls down. The last fight I saw was in high school. And one kid, he was smoking a cigarette and he smoked it the whole time. They were fighting. But like, he had, he kept taking the cigarette out. And he was like, well, no, they were because they were both just kind of like slapping at each other. They were fighting the way real people fight. And they're just a couple of white trash dudes. But he didn't want to put out the cigarette. And so he had like, he would puff on it and then would take it away in his left hand because he didn't want to accidentally burn himself with the cigarette while he was like trying to get the other guy in a headlock. And he's just,

smoke on the whole time. And everybody watching that had to have been like, well, this doesn't look like the movies, but that's because these guys are not trained. Like if they had learned, if they had learned karate and it's like, no, that's what you see like Jackie Chan trained at the Peking opera school. Like he learned to dance before he learned to fight. What he's doing is like he could probably still kick your ass, but what he's doing in the movies, that's a dance. That's a choreograph dance. It's props. It's everybody's cooperating. It's timing. If anybody there is actually trying to fight him, they're doing it wrong. You're all cooperating. Everything has to be done just right. One reason why Jean-Claude Van Dam is a bad martial artist is he actually doesn't know how to do that. He

accidentally hurts people all the time. That was a reputation he had. So when you can always hear these people when they're telling their stories, whether it's a military story where it's a street fight story. It's something they saw in a movie. So here, Frank Dukes literally got that turned into a movie because somebody, and I guess like Hollywood, they have no standards. So it's like, oh, makes for a good, makes for a good picture. But it's like everybody out there should be saying, well, why couldn't I have done that? Why could me and five of my friends have gone to Destination America and said, hey, we are, we have Bigfoot. We're Bigfoot experts. Give us a, where's our show? Do you see what I'm saying? Like, why this guy? And is it because he's better at lying?

Yes. Unequivocally, yes. He is one of the world's greatest liars and I will die on that hill. He got blood support. He didn't just get blood sport made. Okay. That's already like he got a really good movie made out of his ridiculous lies in Hollywood. They all believed him. He worked with people who should have known better. They, he not only got it made. He got a freeze frame card. at the end of the film with blatantly impossible things on it. All of the facts that Sean read are at the end of Bloodsport. It's the last, that's how Bloodsport ends. It doesn't end any other way. It ends on a freeze frame of Frank Duke's greatest and stupidest lies. It's amazing. I do think we're not giving the past enough credit.

I do think that there's a good chance those were put there to fuck with him and to make fun of him. In this very book I'm holding, he talks about, Frank Dukes talks about Jean-Claude Van Day making fun of him. Like at the Bloodsport Rap Party, they're like, oh, where's Frank? He's like, oh, he's probably doing some spy stuff because they all were making fun of how Frank Dukes is so full of shit. Nobody really bought that this happened. And I mean, I'm certainly, they thought the public would. And they did. Yeah. I think a lot of people knew it was fake, but didn't care. And some people, I'm sure did. I think there's a lot of delusion that goes along. in this kind of in traditional martial artists.

Like, it's really satisfying to think I just learned how to kill a man 12 ways with my hands. I'll never know, probably. But, like, if it's not true, I'm so stupid, right? Because I just spent a whole class with a bunch of little kids learning how to chop. Like, if I didn't get anything out of that one. So I think that we get it.

I'm going to start reading from the foreword. This is Major General Anatoly Pavlovich Cornenko. And he says the leader of the group, Officer Dukovny, was Frank Dukes, an American military officer with a special branch of the military, trying to discover how biological weapon leaks were occurring. Frank Dukes was dubbed the Hunter. He was in the Soviet Union for just a few weeks when our intelligence received information about the exceptional talents of the hunter and his unique ability to investigate extremely dangerous and complicated matters. So you can just make up a guy for a forward? It kind of changes everything. I was just about to ask you, do you think this man is real that wrote the forward?

Absolutely not, but wonderful. Okay. And so I realize you're only one sentence into the book, but I have 300 questions I want to ask just very, very quickly. So I initially, my introduction to Frank Dukes was that he was a professional. martial artist. That is a thing that exists, of course. Like, that's, you know, so I thought that was the claim. Then you start reading passages from the book and he's a spy, but, but obviously martial arts doesn't help you be a spy. If you're constantly doing karate and espionage, you're doing the espionage way wrong. Fly and jump kicks. Yeah, that's, like, that's actually the

one thing they don't want you to do every time you go. Who is that guy? I'm going to take special note of that guy. He's amazing. Yes. Yeah, the concept of the famous spy is actually something that in real life, he would be the worst spy. Because, like, oh, yeah, that's obviously Frank Dukes trying to get into our meeting about our Tombstay device. Don't let him in. I can't see his hands, though.

So it's not him because Frank Dukes definitely has hands. Yes. I've seen him punch it. 0.12 seconds. The job he's created for himself is already something that simply doesn't. It's like the job of professional assassin. Do people realize that's not a real job anyone has ever had ever in history? You can't be a full-time freelance assassin.

And his job is just general superhuman. He can fight anybody. He's super intelligent. He's got investigative skills. Like he just can do anything. For any agency. He gets passed around to the Russian. Why not?

Here, Russians. Here's our guy. He's a problem solver. Doesn't he, I mean, correct me if I'm wrong, because I'm just remembering from all the Duke's cast snippets, doesn't he claim that during the Kumetee he was doing spy stuff? Like, he was part-time cumete, part-time spy. I think, yes, there is some crossover between even Bloodsport.

Like he was doing spy stuff during Bloodsport. Amazing. So they cut that. They cut that from the movie. They were like, ah, we don't need the sports. spy stuff too. That's too much for the movie. Yeah. In the movie, he was just like AWOL. He was just some guy they wanted to come back to his army job. Because he was indispensable.

You can't do a karate tournament on the other side of the world. This is from the prologue. To look upon a spy's life is to look upon the moon. Do you ever notice this? You notice a spy's life? a little bit like the moon. Sometimes in dark. I'll let him explain. One travels alone to this moon landscape, which exerts its invisible yet powerful influence

over the tides of political and economic rise and fall, the teeming, unsuspecting sphere below. In its airless landscape, we remain isolated and cut off from one another, a single wrong move, the slightest malfunction and we are doomed. If a spy does survive, ultimately he is left looking down upon,

the strange, distant landscape of the world below, wondering, why? So hold on. I'm a karate master. I'm a ninja. I'm a spy. Also, I'm an astronaut. An astronaut, but mostly a poet.

Jason, you mentioned earlier how these guys make up fights that they saw in movies. Frank Nukes made up his whole life from movies. Like, you'll recognize so many of these sequences from just James Bond movies or ninja movies. It is to look upon the moon and I am on the moon and I am looking back at you. For that is the nature of the spy. I'm going to read the very first paragraph of the book. We're finally in the book. By Sunday morning, I had been tailing the man I called fish for a week, documenting his routine and waiting for an ID that would allow me access to the military base at Fort Bragg, North Carolina. Confronting Fish at the NCO club there would afford me a measure

protection and lessen the chance that he might panic and try to take me out before I confirmed that he was the maniac I had long searched for. The path of murder bodies he'd left across the country had a twisted pattern, although one I'd yet to discern. It'd all been John Doe's, probably foreigners. My guess was that he was killing off his partners in drug deals. So, this introduces the book's main villain, Fish, who is a serial killer potential drug Kingpin Is he part of the military? Fish?

Is that what that was about? I think it's revealed later. This is spoiler, that Fish was an inside man in the CIA. So he's like a rogue agent. He's a he's a mission impossible villain is what Fish is. He's a serial killing CIA agent. Okay. Yes.

So, but that would be, but this is, this scene takes place in the United States, right? He's not tracked fish to some other country? Yeah, this is North Carolina. So is he working on behalf of the state police, the FBI? What law enforcement agency is employing Frank Dukes to tail this man? I'm not sure at this point. I think he was a Marine for, in real life, I think he was a Marine for some amount of time. But like a logistic specialist or radio specialist or something.

and then was in the reserves and then not. And then from there he became like a Navy SEAL and then worked for the NSA and the CIA, all of the agencies. And of course, the Russians sometimes. But what he's describing so far would not be something that would fall under the jurisdiction of the CIA. I don't think they legally can do. Well, legally, that's tough. See, that's the gray area that the moon falls over.

They call that moonscape in the spy world. So he talks about, I was going to kill fish for making him do all this secret karate spy work for, again, we don't know what agency yet. And then he continues. I was confident. I was up to the task of killing this man. At 220 pounds, six feet, two inches. My body wasn't buffed up like a bodybuilder. I was sleek and agile.

More like an Olympic swimmer. In fact. No, those numbers are not. sleek and agile numbers at 6-2-220. Yeah, that's my stats, and I'm a little tanky. Most people don't look at me and say, hey, that's a swimmer. That's a beef. That's a beef cake. Yeah, yeah.

I don't know where he's getting that idea. We all have our self-delusions, I guess. In fact, I was a former world champion, a professional martial artist, only a few years past my prime when I was considered by many the fastest human alive. world-renowned for my explosive speed, I could snatch a quarter out of an open palm and substitute a penny without the switch being noticed. When I was 19, the Chinese, my biggest fans, had nicknamed me Fa Ma after the flying horse that brings both peace and war. A tribute to the poise, endurance, and confidence I exuded in no-holds-barred illegal human cockfights, the martial arts legendary Kumete tournaments. Many years later in 1987, my martial arts prowess would be the same.

subject for the motion picture blood sport. And in April 1993, I became the first person on record to break bulletproof glass with a blow from my bare hand. The Chinese called you the flying horse of peace and war? They're his biggest fans. I don't know a lot about the Chinese mythology. Do they have a flying horse that brings peace and war? That feels a little he-man.

Yeah, they might have invented the job for him. Yeah, it also might be he-man. They called me Fisto. Even if they did call him that, that really, I don't know, that feels like one of those things that's not necessarily a compliment. Like, you're, oh, that guy, yeah, he's a real flying horse of peace and war, that guy. Yeah. I couldn't understand what they were saying about me, but I was pretty sure.

By the gestures, there was definitely some flapping and like a horse, like a, like a, by the It looked like a cock, like he was drinking off giant. I assume that meant horse. Is this all like the actual timeline? Is he starting? So this is post-blood sport, right? As he's trailing fish? Yeah, what year is he supposed to be trailing fish?

We don't know yet, but this was pre-blood. I would say this is probably in the early 80s. So it's just bad writing then that he is looking back with knowledge. Yes. This is like in Bloodsport, this is a nested flashback. Okay. but we haven't got to the main movie part yet. So we started on a nested flashback and a flash forward.

So this is definitely, this is pre-blood sport. Because otherwise, like, you're one of the most famous people in the world after Bloodsport. You can't surely, surely the spy stuff ends after Bloodsport, right? No, absolutely not. Absolutely. When you're one of the most, they made a movie about me and I'm still a spy. I don't want to speak authoritatively on this. This might be happening post-blood sport, this exact interaction we're having right now.

So he talks about fish. Fish was he did four tours in Vietnam. He was a Green Beret, a seal, and a Marine sniper. He had 23 confirmed kills at close range, military advisors in Cuba, Angola, Soviet KGB operatives, Spetsnaz. Not great for a sniper to have 23 kills at close range. Yeah, he doesn't say how many he got at range. But 23 like up close karate knife murders.

I've missed him so many times. They all just ran right up on me. Okay, now hold on. He's not talking about himself now. He's talking about fish. Yes, his deadly enemy fish. Did he just say the fish was both a green beret and a Navy seal? Well, he called him a sheep dipper, a paramilitary guy who works with all of those people.

I'm not sure if he's saying he was all those people, but he was. And the world's worst goddamn sniper. He just, he has to walk right up on you and beat a death with his rifle. You know when fish is after you because you'll see a bullet go a mile wide and then hear a really distant. Followed by another. God damn it. Shitty rifle. All right.

After all that, we learned who fish was and then fish was sitting down for breakfast at a local diner when I entered his mobile home. Earlier in the week, I had tried to drug his Doberman. but the dog was trained to accept food only in the house from fish. I couldn't use CS1 tier gas because it just makes dogs more aggressive. So I had sent for a specialized gas to arrive from Wisebaden, Germany. Gasped many a dog in my day. Don't ask me how I know this. So yes, he's about to break into this man's home.

I got a special German dog gasser contact. I have to. You couldn't use normal dog gas. because it just pisses dogs off, but the Germans got it right. Also, Fish is a serial killing assassin, and it's not treating him well. He makes like 50 bucks a gig.

He lives in a mobile home. Not one of those flashy Antonio Bandaris-style world-renowned hitmen. Fish had committed a series of seemingly unrelated and puzzling crimes that left even the most experienced agents scratching their balls and consternation. And as for me, when I was in Bay, route, Europe, Central America, or the Orient, the case involving this evil man had festered at the back of my mind like an untreated sore. I was a bona fide animal as they referred to us at CIA SOD Special Operations Division. Of course, we resented being called animals and referred to ourselves

as soldiers of the twilight. So he is now Fama, the flying horse of war in peace, animal, The hunter, soldier of twilight. I think that's all of them. You forgot the moon. Oh, right. To look upon him is to look upon the moon. Yes, of course. So he's the moon.

I'm going to start calling CIA agents, soldiers of twilight, really sarcastically and see how they like that. It seems like they love it. That's how they refer to themselves. We hated being called animals. Please call me Soldier of Twilight instead. While I twirl around and change into my hero costume. Here begins my transformation sequence. What was it that the UFO Cowboys called themselves?

Oh, Jesus, I can't remember. Do you remember that? It was something like the Cowboy Skywatchers or something like that? Oh, that sounds right. That's really close. Because they had like a real stripper, like a real stripper troop name. Guardians of the Lonesome Man Sky. Wait, that's Frank Dukes again.

The Veal from extraterrestrial, I think is what they call. call themselves. So Dukes talks for a while about how hard it is to kill a man. Like, you fucking idiots, you don't know what it's like to look a man in the eye while he's telling jokes and shit. It's easy to drop a bomb, but like hand to hand to the death all the time. But see, the thing about Dukes is he kept his integrity and his humanity and his honor. Why are they telling jokes while he's killing them? Well, he's just basically how once you get to know a dude, like a spy and they're like a cool pal and you're drinking with him. And then to murder them. It's like, God, it's tough. It's easy. Yeah. It's a lot like gas in your favorite dog.

Yeah, it just makes them mad unless you really get the right stuff. So he talks for a long, like, I'm going to skip a few pages. He's talking about his honor and how he maintains integrity. And now I continue in the book, in front of Fish's mobile home, spraying the gas right in the dog's snarling face, gave me satisfaction. I'd had some nasty experiences with canines. And besides, this dog belonged to fish. It staggered about the yard. snorting foam from its nostrils, turned a few circles, and then collapsed by the homeowner's front steps. Breaking into the trailer was easy. Still, I mooch slowly in case of booby traps.

Inside on the floor lay a single small brown leaf, as if someone had carried it in on the bottom of a shoe. Fish was clever. Someone less experienced than I would take the leaf in order to remove any possible signs of intrusion. If the leaf was missing, fish would know someone had been there. I just want to point out that there's a basic rule of storytelling in Hollywood where if you want to ingratiate a character to the audience in the very first scene, have him kill a dog. Have him gas a dog to death and then say,

I took satisfaction from that. Yeah, you have him to do like a satisfied little smirk like, oh yeah. Oh, yeah. Another one. And then not, and then say audibly, not today. Lee. Jason, I'm used to your bait and switch of how you come in dry and then surprise me. I really thought you were talking about a real writing technique to show how smart Frank

Dukes was by having him see something really dumb. So the audience can say like, oh, I'm smart too. I would have thought of that leaf thing too. But no, you got me because I wasn't expecting the dog murder. I'm just saying, congratulations. Much like fish isn't expecting or prepared for any but the most festings. didiest intruders. Like, if you're not the priciest intruder, like, you know what?

I'm going to give this place a quick vacuum. I shouldn't have. I can't believe I tracked this in. This is a real story of my stupid childhood. My mom's second husband was a piece of shit. And he used to leave traps like that all over the place. Like I'd find weird little pieces of paper like in the center of the stairs. And I'd realize, oh, this is like a trap he would leave.

And so me and my brother would grab these pieces of paper and put them in really strange places in the house just to fuck with him just to like let him know we knew and i could tell i could tell he at true man what were the conditions of the trap we don't understand what the trap was for shan okay so like he didn't say he didn't want me to go upstairs john explain trap say he didn't want me to go upstairs he would put like a tiny little piece of paper in the center of the staircase so if if anyone walked up the stairs and stepped on that piece of paper he would know that an intruder had been there. But we figured if we grabbed the piece of paper, like put it in the fridge,

then not only would he know that there was an intruder that saw his trap, but they're now like a step ahead of him. This was how like a 10-year-old thinks, I guess. Classic Soldier of Twilight. I was a soldier of Twilight from a very young age. Fish comes from a long line of piece of shit, is what I'm saying. Okay, so here Frank Dukes is now, very delicately going through this murderer's mobile home while his dog dies.

My search grew tenser as the clock ticked away. Just as I reached the limit of what I could do without having to sweat every second and jump at every sound, I found panels built into Fish's Rolltop desk. Inside, I found the proof that my pursuit of this haunting and frustrating 18-month riddle had not been wishful thinking or my imagination playing tricks, a Soviet dart gun in the form of a pen. This was the murder weapon that had initially launched Bill Casey's investigation. Along with a gun were a number of pornographic polaroids with an emphasis on bondage

and masochistic scenarios. For almost two years, I had been frustrated by having little or nothing to go on in my investigation. And now I suddenly had more conclusive evidence than I knew what to do with. This man enjoys bondage and penmanship. My God. My God. I do feel like some listeners might be confused. If you go watch, what year did the film American Psycho come out? Was that like 2000? Something like that. Yeah, early 2000s. And there's a scene where to demonstrate what a psychopath he is, he just casually puts a pornographic VCR tape on the TV. And for the audience, you're supposed to be like, oh, my God, the depravity at play here that this man is viewing pornography in the middle of the day just openly. So once upon a time, you could have somebody, if they found

like porno magazines in their desk, that was a sign that like, oh, they've got children tied up in the basement. Like, my. Right. God. Whereas now, if you found a guy's like laptop that did not have a bunch of porn on it, you would think, man, this guy's such a freak that he keeps his porn on another device. What the hell is this guy up to? There's no porn in this machine. Even the worst, he might not have any porn. What kind of sick fuck? So they're using his imagination? Jesus Christ. It could be anything. He can be thinking about anything. I mostly wanted to read that to show you how distracted. Even the theoretical Frank Dukes was by pornography while he was writing this book. So he killed 18, 15 men with a pen gun?

He killed one guy with a pen gun, and that's what started the investigation. And then kept that pen gun with his pornography. Yes, he kept the murder weapon. And his trailer. Sometimes he masturbates the pornography. Sometimes just the pen guns enough. Just the pen. Sometimes he draws a little titty with the pen.

So he couldn't sleep that night. started to follow fish. Fish rolled to a halt in front of a ranch-style house. A kid's plastic play pool sat on the front lawn. He disappeared around the side of the house. I waited. Moments later, he came running, holding a bundle in his arms, making a mad dash for his vehicle. I thought I heard the cries of a child coming from within the house. The identity of the bundle struck me. It was a baby. I burned rubber, trying to put myself between fish and his Ford. I braced myself, but that still didn't prepare me for the impact as I rammed his his truck and pinned it against a telephone pole. From there, I pursued fish on foot. He nearly

lost me twice as we hopped fences and rounded street corners, and he finally veered off down a dimly lit street and into some nearby woods. He knew the terrain. I didn't. I proceeded cautiously in the darkness. I froze, then tossed a couple of rocks to see if they would draw fire and give away fish's position. Nothing. Not even the cries of the baby. I took a few steps forward. He still has the baby? He still has got. He couldn't catch a guy carrying a baby. You're hiding in the woods You didn't think to leave the baby? I'm sorry, I wasn't picturing the foot

chased the whole time with him holding the baby. That sounds like a raising Arizona-style slapstick. I assumed the baby died in the crash because he rammed the truck, the 1980s or prior truck rammed it at speed into a telephone pole carrying a baby, clearly not in a car seat,

since it had just been kidnapped, I would expect that baby to be some form of juice. But now the baby survived and he took him with him on the foot chase. But the baby is remaining so silent that Frank is now worried that he's not going to be able to find the guy in the woods because the baby's making noise, right? The baby's too well-trained. Babies love it when you take him out to drive him around. That's a... We know he hopped at least two fences.

Frank accuses plural fences. Just checking the baby over first and you're jumping over. That's a good idea. Yeah, you throw the baby, you jump over and catch the baby. Yeah, that's how I would do it too. Okay. I took a few steps forward and froze again in front of me, a dark shape twisted in the air. The baby dangling on a string tied to a branch.

It took all my willpower not to rush forward. He couldn't have killed the baby. I took a deep breath and made a mad zigzag toward the baby. A black form leaped out of the darkness and shouted, bang, y'all dead. before I recovered, Fish disappeared. I drew my knife from its sheath in my Python skin boot,

custom made during a stint in Southeast Asia. But again, stop short. All right, all right, all right, stop. Hold on, hold on. Fish had time. You're so slow. He's burned with a baby. And he got such a lead on you.

He was able to rig a mountain monster style trap with the baby as baked. He was able to suspend a baby from the woods by a string. He hung a baby. That's how big a lead he got on Frank Dukes. This Adonis, this swimming build Adonist. Why use that opportunity to go bang, you dead, and then run away.

Yes. Another great question. Frank Duke says, a tripwire? Perhaps he'd hidden a Claymore or a mini platter mine. Both easily concealed. Flashing lights got me moving again. If the local police found me, fish would certainly get away. And how long before I found him again?

I let fish go. With a slash of my knife, I cut the cord, hanging the baby, and caught it as it fell. The baby was a doll. Sucker should have been tattooed across my forehead. A moment to regain my composure. Then I sped off. This part might sound familiar here. I heard the police helicopter long before its spotlight lit up the area, and I had time to crawl into a drainage pipe.

But I wasn't alone. Ants! Fish knew he was... A fish knew he was being tailed. Yeah. He ran into a random house, stole one of their dolls that they had there. Maybe. He might have a real baby, but he brought a decoy baby in case someone tried to ram him with

the car and chase him into the woods. And then let him on a foot chase to lure him with the trap just to say, bang you dead and then run away. Yes. Are we sure this is like an equal rivalry? This could be one of those like this. I'm going back to Mountain Monsters again because like, there's parallels between them. They're the same kind of people.

But like how in the mountain monsters, they were saying all the terrible things that the rogue team did to them and be like, that's where we're going to fucking kill those guys the next time you see them. And then all of the things were just like pranks. Like, are we sure this is a, this sounds like a friendly rivalry on Fish's Park. He could have killed him definitely,

seven or eight different times. Like, this is just a fun night. Grab a doll, go for a jog, set up a little doll trap. These are prank. These are pranks. Almost immediately, they were all over me, and I itched like crazy in the muggy heat. A narrow beam of light jumped around outside the pipe. I hurriedly hid my wallet and knife under the mud

and plastered myself. The mud soothed the sting of the ant bites a bit, and if the police found me, I'd claim I was a transient, holed up for the night. Before long they were gone. Police searches generally weren't very thorough, especially at night. What to do next? Could fish identify me? I don't. I didn't know if he had actually caught a glimpse of my face in the dark. Back at my motel room, I enjoyed a long hot shower, one of the creature comforts you never take for granted as an operative. Sometimes the job takes you places where the locals have never seen indoor plumbing. Whenever possible, I always traveled with the roll of toilet paper, not to mention a bottle of Louisiana hot sauce. Thank you.

And hence the toilet paper. My own worst, a spy is their own worst enemy, they say. Fish didn't even know that was him? Apparently, but Frank is under the impression that he got away with it. That he got away with it. He was not identified. Fish was just pulling, you know, a random fake baby snatching prank on somebody? Somebody he had no idea who it was.

Apparently, Frank is an unreliable narrator in a couple of different ways. He's a fucking idiot, but also making all of this up. So it's hard to say exactly what he wants us to think happened or what he thinks is happening in the story. Okay. And because he didn't specifically mention retrieving the wallet in the knife, I have to assume he lost them in the mud. That's a good point. Yeah, he's got no wallet.

He's covered in mud. He's back at the hotel. Like I'm covering him. And lights. Sounds like fish kicked your fucking ass. Yeah, round one to fish. Fine. Fine.

He'll admit that. Okay. I just got to pause and admire something here because this may not be clear. One reason why it's such a wonderful feature on the. the Big Feets podcast when you read random passages from this book, is that Frank Dukes does something that even many famous authors cannot do, which is he makes sure there is something in every sentence. Like there are many mediocre authors who would have been like, I stumbled in, you know, through the hotel room door. I sat for a bit and thought, and then I went to the bathroom.

I turned on the hot water and let steam fill the room. I know. Frank Duce was like, boom. shower. I carry hot sauce with me. I carry toilet paper wherever I go. I got attacked my ants. It's just like it's a story told by a toddler, but this is a type of writing that's actually not easy. Like he will not allow himself to write a sentence where nothing happens. There's no transit. There's no pauses. It's I it's baby. The guy jumps out. It's I'm hiding in the sewer, burying my my wallet and knife. Attempt by ants. Attacked by. Ants. Attacked. by stinging ants, by the way. He mentions the ants were biting him.

Boom, now he's in the shower, thinking about how he has to take toilet paper and hot sauce everywhere he goes. Just, you know, just Soldier of Twilight shower thoughts about my hot sauce and toilet paper needs. Those two things are not unrelated. This next chapter

is about the erotic allure of Frank Dukes and how he was trained for that. But it also shows that he has the heart of a poet. I'm going to read you a passage. It's going to go. go some places. So he's on a date with a beautiful woman. He's already told her he's a ninja spy. She's seen blood sport. She knows who he is. And then she asks if he's killed anyone. And he tells her,

that's not a civilized question I answered. I did not want to insult her, but I had a hard time with people who ask such questions from idle curiosity or thrill-seeking. The hell that she want. I hated to tell her that she wouldn't find a thrill in coming up against a heckler and cock. MP5 or an Uzi or Mac 10. The reality of killing was gruesome. People only took such subjects lightly if they'd never experienced the reality, or maybe if they were brainwashed, mentally deranged, or acting in a bad movie.

I have only my own experience to go on, but I must say that even though problems become easier to deal with in lethal fashions, as I grew more experienced, the aftermath never got easier. In fact, the opposite held true. How could anyone know anything about death and the suffering and inflicted upon others, human beings with hearts and remain only casually interested in killing. Tea time conversation. In the room, the women come and go, talking of Michelangelo.

You'll see, right in a little new wave song there? That's T.S. Eliot. That's the love song of J. Alfred Prafrock. Put it to put it to a beat, man. We could have done this whole episode about that paragraph. There's so much. For example, the three guns he mentions frequently having to face, an Uzi, a Mac10, and an HKMP5, do you know what those three guns have in common?

They were the three most common movie prop guns in the 70s and 80s. Those were not common. Like a Mac10, that was a garbage weapon in the real world. It made for a great action movie gun. For whatever reason, those HKMP5s, they turned up and die hard. action movie after that had to have those before that every movie had those Israeli Uzi's in them again

in real life I don't even know if they're good guns they look great on screen there's certain guns like the Desert Eagle it's a pistol it cannot be used in real life no one has ever been shot with one of those in the real world in movies they are everywhere because they look

they look great so right away in that just in that one sentence when he's like you don't know what it's really like You're asking me what it's like to kill a man. You're asking me to tell you that story, the story that I sold to Hollywood for money. You killed Chunglee and Bloodsport, right? I wrote into a book that you're reading now, this disgusting that this supermodel, all she wants to know is who I've murdered.

For her, this is just conversation. She doesn't know what it's really like to face down the coolest guns. you just saw in to face down a group of ninjas jumping off of a skyscraper. She'll never get it. The grief as you watch the light go out of every ninja's eyes. All of them, every ninja kill haunts me personally, all 800 ninjas in that fight scene I just came from. Does she think that it's fun to ramp a train in a dirt bike while something explodes behind you? Does she know what that's?

It's not like the movies, honey. Not at all. I just like the start of that. She loved me because she knew all about Bloodsport and then asked if I'd ever killed a man. And I said, yeah, in Bloodsport, you remember that one? Well, speaking of Bloodsport, he continues. Perhaps Bloodsport, the movie made about my martial arts exploits, had aroused her curiosity.

Or maybe some people mistakenly associated the martial arts with propensity toward violence. Whatever the case, I wearied of such questions posed by a woman in sidewalk cafes. She flirted with me. No doubt I appeared exotic, and for a little while she might want a toy with danger, only vicariously, of course. When satisfied with her game, she could return to her safe and loaded boyfriend, or she might move on to the elusive search for a bigger, better deal. She flashed a smile in my direction.

She wanted a rush. This gold-digging bitch wants a piece of the dupes. I love the safe and loaded voice. Like this in-cell language just comes out of nowhere. He's just fully hates her. He's had one interaction. It's been mostly complimentary. And he's like, you goddamn bitch.

How dare you want me? How dare you? Also, she doesn't really like the true hymn. She just likes the part of him that does karate and action stuff. But what other aspects of his personality are there? What else is he? describe himself doing. She doesn't even like the smart stuff.

Hold on a second. Is this not the true him? The bloodsport stuff is not the true him? I don't know. That sounds too unlikely. Again, that T.S. Eliot poem is sort of about social anxiety. So I think that's what we're looking at here is Frank, like,

kind of confessing to having some imposter syndrome or some social anxiety. I'll continue with the date. It's not an imposter syndrome if you're an imposter, though, like by definition. That's a good point. Yeah. I think he's just, it's an accurate reflection of his state in the world. My date leaned forward, showing off her cleavage while playfully kissing my brow. I recognize the ploy for what it was.

Other pretty faces in my past. Accustomed to manipulating men had done likewise. A lady of seduction, she had all the nuances down pat. Not unlike the textbook examples I had been taught to identify. Painstakingly, at the expense of taxpayers, I've been instructed to acknowledge that sex is a powerful weapon that cannot be overlooked when examining history, especially if one wishes to delve into my world of subterfuge. It's amazing. He's about to fuck and he's worried about the taxpayers.

He's like, ah, every time I come, it's a waste of taxpayers' money. They've taught me better than this. You can delete this if this is too politically incorrect for me to say it. but I love his belief that in order to seduce men, that a beautiful woman would have to take many, many classes on all of the subtleties. And then when in reality it's like, not tight tight shirt.

That'll do it. She leaned forward and showed me her cleavage and then started to unspool the many, many tricks she learned. It's like, no, it's done. There's the cleavage. All of this again done at taxpayer expense.

She knew all the tricks. She knew the boobs and the showing of the boobs and the cleavage and the titties. Your tax dollars taught me not to fuck. You did that. Money well spent, America. Frank Duce says, I was a naive 25 when I was unwittingly introduced into the program by Gabrielle Dubois. This is the program of sex education by the NSA. Seduction.

She was a leggy, French-Canadian blonde. Within just a few weeks of our first meeting, Gabrielle had me dangling from an emotional thread. I truly have killed for her. One perfectly romantic evening, during intercourse, I was ready to climb us when she whispered in my ear that Gabrielle Dubois was an alias. Her confession of being a contract agent exposed my vulnerability.

More impressively, it demonstrated at what length, DCI, the director of Central Intelligence. Casey and Bob Ames, my handlers, were willing to go to ensure I remain their secret. So the woman hired by the agency to teach him how to fuck turned out to be an agent of the agency. There to teach him not to fuck. She wasn't an unknowing prostitute they hired. In the middle of intercourse, she whispered, you shouldn't have penetrated me.

Where does I, fish? So he's embarrassed because he fell for the agency sex spy. So then they sent him to actual sex school. That was the decoy sex school. Just to see if he was stupid enough to fuck. Yes. No, I'm serious. Oh, you fucked.

Oh, you did it. Oh, you lose. Humbolded, I paced the richly appointed safe house that overlooked the American embassy at the Concord in Paris. My seductress, Gabrielle, as prearranged, dramatically opened the door to a middle-aged Dutch woman. She wore no makeup and was neatly attired in a man's navy blue pinstriped suit. Her long hair was slicked down and pulled back into a bun.

Her stiff movements almost led me to believe that her sexual orientation was not heterosexual. Oh, shit. Almost, though. I mean, clearly it couldn't be. She's a butch dutch. I do. I do like the movie moment of like, well, I went to the seduction class and she was so gorgeous. She seduced me, and then she introduced me to the real master of seduction, a Dutch lesbian.

Yeah, she wasn't as hot, but I did fall for her anyway. No, he didn't. He learned from her. This part's good. You're going to like this. She taught me how to convey through body language the unwavering appearance of a warm and sympathetic ear. I also learned what probing questions will elicit and exploit old emotional wounds so that I could become the desired crutch, the crutch to lean on for emotional support. Further aspects of behavior explored in order later to be exploited included a woman's need for a sense of security, a challenge, or her particular rebellious tendencies.

More importantly, I was educated in how to bridge those unspoken communication gaps separating nuances of behavior and intimacy. For example, one method for stimulating a sense of intimacy is merely how to find the right varying touch since consistent pressure communicates a mechanical effort to please. I was taught to arouse a woman's feet, hands or ears by light kissing, blowing, licking or gentle biting. Helpful tips included caressing a woman's entire body with a soft sable brush, commonly used to apply face powder. I was encouraged to be spontaneous to lick strawberry jam off my lover's toes in the dark corner booth of a bistro.

The bistro thing is my favorite of the pastures you've done. I'm glad we got to the sex brush. I mean, we have to discuss the sex brush. Here's the thing. Is it, he was not clear if it is designated for sex because that, you can't just use her makeup brush for the sex. You got to, but then if you,

if you have it only for the sex, now you have a designated sex brush and somehow that's weirder. It's true. You've got to make sure they have different color handles or something. A lot of, my wife would be so pissed if like I misplaced the sex brush and she's like doing her makeup and look, oh my God, this is the,

This has been in my butt. This has been in someone's butt. That's why we have the label maker, Sean. That's why I got you the label maker. Labeling the sex brush with a label maker. You've got to label all of your objects, ordinary object, sex version of object. I mean, ordinary spatula, sex spatula. You never know.

God, I would have saved myself so much trouble if I'd done that. Also, I do think that just that single sentence about licking the jam off The what flavor jam was it? Strawberry. The strawberry jam off the feet of a woman in the corner of a tavern. I feel like we could have done an entire podcast series on that sentence because the logistics of that is the jam. You ordered it with your meal and you took off her shoe and then you like, how do you ease your way to, when you put the jam on there, did you get a spoon or do you use like the butter knife from the. If it's a fancy restaurant, there is a corking fee for the sex jam.

Like, if you bring your own sex jam from home, it's just a flat $20 fee. And somebody that has worked in fancy restaurants, if I catch you looking jam off somebody's feet, like that's, I'm just saying like a minimum 30% gratuity or I'm going full compromise. I don't even know if I would be able to tell what I was looking at. Like, if it was kind of a dimly lit restaurant and then she's got like her foot maybe across the table, like they're an opposite size of a small. table. No, he said it was like a corner booth. It's a boat. So they're in a booth.

They're in a booth. The tables don't tend to move very much at a booth. You got to really work those angles. She's laying back. She's got her leg up. She's taking her shoe off. I hopefully did not wear panty hose. That would be a mess.

And then. Ants. Yeah, now the restaurant's got ants. This is how you get ants. Also, a comment is going to point out that his method is just the dentist method from its always sunny in Philadelphia, like his emotional manipulation that demonstrate value in each of the letters. So taught me the ancient secrets of foreplay of kissing like her ears and neck.

No man could have figured that out without millions of dollars in taxpayer money. Plus think of like if this happens early in the meal, you got these sticky ass wet toes for the rest of the meal. You got to walk home with sticky ass wet toes. Get all the jam off. Unless you have like alcohol wipes, there's no way you're looking all of the jam off so that it is not a sticky jam foot for the rest of the night and now stuck inside your shoe, which is now a sticky jam shoe. And again, this is what I love about all of this nature of boast is that when he started, I don't feel, get the sense that he hits the back space button a lot when writing. Like I think he started that sentence and was just rattling off sexy things.

and he saw what movie was it, was a nine and a half weeks where they did the food sex scene. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so he just did the food sex. Like, what's the thing people do, right? I'm not saying that Frank Dukes doesn't have sex. I'm just saying that he doesn't have this kind of sex. I don't think the butter scene happened in the corner booth of a friendly neighborhood bistro, though.

Right, but in like a sleazy 80s sex movie, that's the kind of thing you would have happened. It's kind of impractical things. like they're pouring honey on her navel. It's like, well, in real life, I think it could look good in a movie because you'd have like the high contrast of the red and like the glistening of the jam. I'm making it sound gross.

But like, I think if you saw it, it would look, it would look okay. The tax, the taxpayers. The taxpayers taught me to. Some taxpayer funding. We could really make this shine. The taxpayers taught me to lick feet. Yeah. See, we, again, I know I've gotten, I've completely stopped the podcast.

to talk about this point. But his point is that they taught him the jam toe corner booth technique. So he had to like there was an exam. There was like a diagram where they showed him. And then he had to run through it and did it wrong. No, do it again. Oh, this brutally unamused Dutch,

uh, bitch lesbian just gazed at him licking her feet like, no, pathetic. Do you think they were private lessons or do you think there's like a whole bunch of other guys like in the class that are taking turns? It's karate style. Just sucking off jam in front of each other.

She's the Sensei. Everybody pair off with a jar of jam. You got to get you. I'm not good at this, bro. Get a special jam, I'm a special senior student. All right. Okay.

Sorry. Brunhilde made sure I was skilled in preparing concoctions. Her name was not fucking Brunhilda. Come on. Okay, you're right. It was a nickname Frank came up with for her. I should have made that clear. I think even he knew that she couldn't be

Brunhilde. She made sure he was skilled in preparing concoctions made from agency-supplied controlled substances, formulations designed to heighten the sexual experience. One can lace a cigarette with a substance that, when combined with alcohol, leaves one not only tipsy, but totally uninhibited and easily seduced. Ironically, the more skilled I became in the treacherous ways of love, the more inhibited I felt towards those women in my life whom I genuinely cared for. No aspect of seduction skills was trivialized. Maticulously, I was instruct. on how to give well-placed, non-aggressive, sensitive, yet concentrated kisses. They taught me how to kiss at government spy school.

At government spy camp, we practice kissing each other. It may sound outlandish, but I believe the lessons enabled, enabling me to translate a kiss, saved my life. And how to roofy a cigarette. And strangely, the more women I roofied. with cigarettes, the more tenderly I felt about the women in my life that I roofied with cigarettes. But, you know, gently. Yes.

Frank is the best. I know you want to hear some of these erotic adventures, so I'll read some. Just two years after my affair with Gabrielle, I found myself captivated by a vibrant, dark-skinned woman in Beirut. She was as outwardly stunning as she appeared passionate. She gently removed my clothes and make love to me at the most spontaneous moments. And in the most outrageous locations, we had sex in an elevator. at another time in a phone booth in the lobby of a five-star hotel. One day, excited just looking at her, I used a lighter to trip the sprinkler system in her office.

Drenched, her white blouse and skirt became transparent and pressed against her figure, exposing just a garter belt and stockings. I wasted no time, ripping her sopping clothes from her body with each orgasm. She quivered in my arms, unlike the quiet, more subdued lovers, I'd grown accustomed to back home. So he just got himself too worked up. He started talking about practicing kissing at Spice school. He's like, oh, I'm this time to crank it.

This is the 90s. I don't have any woods porn at hand. Have you? Have I going to know where I'm going with this. But have you ever been under the sprinklers in a building where the fire suppression system has gone off? Because it is not the cleanest. water. Right. It's water that's been sitting in rusty pipes for years. Yeah. Yeah. He gave this woman

dysentery. It's not something you're like, oh, yes, let's erotically make love under this while the fire department comes and digs us out of this crime. Definitely like there's some sort of investigator that had to trace the Legionnaires disease outbreak back to like, let's get back to Frank Duke. And also did four million dollars worth of water damage to that building. Again, this is the kind of think that in a sleazy 80s, sex crime movie, you would have that scene because, you know, it's, yeah, it's the wet t-shirt. In fact, I'm sure this came directly from a movie, a CineMax movie or whatever, because then you can just cut to the next scene and it's like, oh, it's fine again. But obviously in real life, that incident is going on your permanent record and there's,

there's fire investigators and everything else. Right. Yeah, try it as a spontaneous moment. Go to your wife's office and set off a fire alarm and see how she, and then ask. if you want to, if you can lick her feet, if you can lick jam off her feet, uh, see, see how long that marriage lasts. I mean, that's a good marriage test. It's a, it's a stress test for your marriage. I just, I do love the idea that at 25, age 25, he took this class where he learned that all the stuff he thought sex was like when he was 14 was actually true. All of it true. Yes.

Because this is all things that you, if you had never had sex before, you would think this is how it works. And then it's like, no, we're telling you, you were, right the first time. This next part was never in a movie. There's no famous movie that Frank Dukes could have heard this. However, this woman never really let me kiss her passionately on the lips. Her standoffish kisses triggered suspicions that she was avoiding intimacy like the prostitutes about whom Brunhilda had informed me.

They too were unwilling to kiss during a sexual act. That's famously from the Julia Roberts movie, Pretty Woman. She wouldn't kiss men during her prostitution. Listening to reason, I abandoned my non-kissing love, convinced she possessed ulterior motives. I expected her of looking for a sucker who would provide her with the means to move to the United States. Months later, while debriefing a contact, I discovered that my ex-girlfriend had been neutralized as a terrorist. She had a pension. Just neutralized, whatever.

Somebody killed her. Had been blasted off the face of the earth. That'll teach you. Somebody probably he knew. Yeah. Hey, Frank, you dating that girl from Beirut? Yeah, dude, she wouldn't kiss me, though. We made love, passionate love everywhere.

Yeah, we bombed her. There was a bomb and run just for her. She was exploded with several rockets. Here's a sack of her remains. Maybe she should have kissed better. My contact provided me with surveillance footage of my ex-girlfriend. I couldn't help feeling strangely. jealous seeing her in the company of another man whom I believe was CIA station chief William Buckley.

Footage shot just weeks before Buckley's mysterious disappearance. Yes. He's this Eskimo brothers with CIA Station Chief William Buckley. My date led out at a disappointed side. He's telling this story to that woman from the cleavage from earlier. Wait, what? Why did that happen? This whole time, he has been telling this story to that woman. He had so much contempt for. You don't understand, you stupid bitch. They taught me to lick feet at government feet school. They killed my girlfriend. Uncle Sam killed my girlfriend.

They had to rocket my girlfriend off the face of this earth. You don't know. You don't understand. Now, to be clear, when I say the terrorist tried to seduce me, it was not a situation where she used the lure of sex to then trick me into doing something. We had sex many, many times. Many times. Then I broke it off.

Then they blew her up with a cruise missile. Exactly. In fact, he doesn't think that him being a spy was related. He thinks she was just trying to get a rich American husband. So she found this 25-year-old kid taking sex classes. You could say my last text really blew me off. In fact, the reason we knew she was a terrorist because we got in word that she had destroyed a building with water somehow. She had triggered the fire sprinkler.

and destroyed the structure clearly. Yes, destroying evidence with the water sprinkler system. Why else would that have happened? I got her. I was telling his date this the entire time. What a fucking comedic reveal to pull out of this story and just like have that table four hours later with her looking fucking exhausted and being like, they blew her off the face of the goddamn planet. She was everything to me. Well, EMF Buckley was so good.

was the last man to have her. I'm also picturing just cutting back to that candle at dinner and him saying, Ants! All of it. It's all been. She's just an unreliable listener there being like, did you say, did you say ants? I'm sorry, I really zoned out there. You said you licked ants off of her feet in a bistro?

No, no, listen, listen. Like I was trying to explain earlier, you can't use regular gas on a dog, you fucking idiot. That's the Duke's cast, I think. Yeah, I think that's a good stopping point. It's well over an hour. And we're most of the way through the book. We are barely into chapter two. Sean, hold on.

Sean said many times, I think it'll take about three episodes. How many chapters are there? Oh, God. Okay, we're on, we got to page 12. How many pages? 350 pages. This is. Okay, but I cannot, I'm going to state the obvious.

I've never seen another writer who can put out one sentence that has so many implications. Do you have to stop? You would want to stop and ask him to explain it, and he just races to the next sentence. he is licking jam off the toes of a woman. That turned out to be a nested flashback within a flashback within a book within Bloodsport. Welcome World Warriors to the second annual hot dog Kumitae Supreme Division. You are all here because you are the best fighters your country, school, or local strip mall can produce. Let's get this roll call started.

Adrian H. It's like you're fighting frog style. I don't know that one. A lot of jumps, I presume. Alex Nolenberg. Un-Andi. Armando Nava, you're fighting crane style. That's a classic, notorious warriors, the cranes. Brandon Garlock, Rockway, famously loves the meat millie. Christopher Worthing. See, you're fighting crab style. Nice.

Dan B., Dusty's Red Title. Elevator. Fate, elevator. Can you define for me what magical morality elevator style is? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Ah, that's fucked up. God have mercy on your opponents. Elizabeth Shoke. Eric Christian Bird says here you're also fighting crab style. Don't worry. No rule against pinch it.

Jello. Greg Cunningham. Alpha scientist Javo. Uh, you appear to be some sort of shaved beast entered as a joke? Uh, looking around here, actually, let's do this all at once. Please roar or shriek if you're actually a shaved beast entered as a joke. Got it. Toasty God. Matt Riley, Devin, the Rogue Supreme, Timi Leahy, Mr. Bob Gray, I'm going to need you all to step out of line.

But good news, we will be holding an all-naked novelty beast division next month. Get your shock. Grumpy Phoenix. Harvey Penguini. You will be fighting using Uninvited Uncle style? Gross, man. ought to be a law against you people. Up to but there's not.

Welcome to the Kumite. Honk. James Boyd. Jared Mountain Man. Jeff O'Raskey. Are you... Are you also using crab style? No, no, it's not a prop.

We just try to mix it up a little more here in the Kumite. John Dean? John McCammon? John Minkoff? All good? Joshua Graves? You... Did you not hear me when I asked all-shaped novelty beasts to vacate the line?

Oh, you're not shaved. Oh, you have alopecia. What you are, a beast. Is that mean? No, no, you're right. Nothing in the rule book. You air-butted me. That's a fair play. Justin B. Katzat Studios. Ken Paisley.

Says here you'll be using gun style. Now does that mean you just brought a gun? No, no rule against it. I'm just, I'm honestly amazed nobody tried it before. Uh, K&M, Lisa. Leopard Queen. You're fighting leopard style. Love to see the classics again. I am curious to see how that will counter gun, though.

Amjahe He Chappelle, Mark, Max Broyd, Michael Lairr, you'll be using insane, I don't know this one, insane vehicle style? Oh, oh, I'm sorry, Michael Lair is an insane vehicle and we'll be using American Fender Kenpo Karate. Gotcha. Mort, N.D., Neil Bailey, Neil Schaefer, Again, using crab style. What's going on, folks? Is there a new dojo in town or what? Must be good.

Nick Levino, obsolete. Says here you don't have a style and you're just gonna fucking flip out when you get in there. That's a solid play. Ornery Weevil, Ozzy Olin, Patrick Hertz is going to try negotiating. All right. Pee Wee's Uncle, practical ZFS, rebrandrew. Red wine time, you're using drunken kung fu. Oh, what was that? What was that? One more time? I can't, I can't understand. Oh, no kung fu. You're just drunk. Got it. Reannanit. Russell Fowman. Sam Cotnick. Sean Logan Chase uses human tornado style. Hell yeah, man. Can you do the noises? That's great. It cracks me up every time. Seed. Tater's tails. Thomas Cavatsos. You're using clone Jutsu. I didn't know that was real. It's not. It's from a

cartoon then what are you gonna all right never mind your business Tommy G Beelo ifon Clapham Zach and Eva oh I'm sorry Zach and Eva no tag teams in the Supreme Division you're conjoined can I see where oh excuse me that makes me the pervert I'm the pervert for trying to do my job all right all right you know you have it your way super not your crab style hold on hold on there's up there's There's something wrong with the rest of my list. Uh, Jaber, Al Aden, Spotty reception, Dean Costello. All crabs?

You are. Booster, Brian Sailor, Sarah. Crab, crab, crab, crab, crab, crab, crab, all the way down. All right. Whalen Russell, Crab, Elliot Watson, crab, Neck of 104, Crab, David Schult. What's that? Mud Flat Fiddler style.

Good, I was worried these were all going to be crap. Oh, that's a type of crab style. Okay. Space Jam fan. Crab? You crabbing? Okay. Victor Malavankin. No need to answer. I can see you're scuttling right now. Craig Lemoy. Also crab? Also crab. Oh, fancy shark. That's more like it. I got you down as shark style in the fancy subdivision. Good on you, pal. What, what's that? No, you cannot change crab style this late in the game. I don't care how much fun it looks like they're having. All right, all right, folks, settle down, settle down. Let's get this Kumete started. If you'll all head in, through these doors, single file, and hey, hey, craps, crabs, crabs, craps, hey, stop it, crabs, stop pulling each other back. One of you has to go first.