The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - The Secret Men: Part 11 - Boys Night with Rusty Shackles

Episode Date: October 7, 2026

Rusty Shackles joins The Secret Men for a world of magical crime boys named shit like Bosco, Vojo, Qiklop the beautiful cyclops, and Kiki the Bird Baker. We're only making up one of those, and we're lying about making it up.

Secret Madge. Welcome to the dog zone 9,000 of the official podcast of 1,900 hotdog.com. For the final website, we've got daily articles by world-class comedy writers like The Golden Age of the Internet. We're still doing it, and it rules. Support us at patreon.com slash 1,900 hot dog. You get bonus podcasts, more jokes, movie watchalongs, all that. I'm Sean Baby from the Internet, and my partner can get you anything you need.

As long as that thing is a very heavy Russian pistol and most of a jar of strawberry jam. He's Robert Brackway. Here's another Rockway fact. I'm a karate master, spy, biological weapons in turn, an amateur load identifier. Do I have a weakness? I'm glad you asked. No. What if I did?

It would be love and baby traps. Like seriously, if you set up a baby trap in the forest, you will find me in it 100% of the time. I shouldn't have said that. No follow up questions. Just a real quick baby. Like one, you set up on the run, like at a full sprint that's enough to trick it. Yeah, it does not take much. It does not have to be a high-quality baby trap.

Just anything. I'm in there. I'm in there every single time, like a trapped coyote. I don't have any follow-up questions. Our guest is an artist for Eras of Wrestling, Hardcore Gaming 101, and 1-900 hot dog. He was recruited by the Culinary Karate Institute of America after battling a steak from a dog. He's Rusty Shackles. Hello again, everybody.

Good to be back. It's always a pleasure to have you. Let's do some plugs here at the top of the show. You working on anything fun and secret? Are you still keeping you busy at eras of wrestling? So I would say, yeah, primarily my main public gig is going to be eras of wrestling. I'm doing some occasional work for hardcore gaming 101 as well. I'm actually doing, we're actually doing a follow-up to the beat-em-up book.

So right now, I'm having to play through Fighting Force 2, and I'm realizing my mistake. Oh, that was that 3D one, right? Yeah, it's kind of like they realized like the first game wasn't like, like Tomb Raider enough. So they kind of like half-assed their way. It's just not good. But yeah. Yeah, they got to stop trying the 3D brother.

I just bought Wolverine. That fucking piece of shit. Everybody's right. Everything, every mean thing they say about Wolverine is right. Rockway, what are you up to? I'm going to plug our other podcast, Big Feats. We, as of this recording, that's not the airing order, but as of this recording, in a few days here, we're going to record the last.

episode of Mountain Monsters. Just one left. That's all we got to do. I know it's been a slog the last few episodes as we battle through absolutely nothing, a sea, just a sea of a void where creativity went to die. I understand that. We've done our best with it. And we're almost to the end.

When I say one of the episodes was 10 minutes of diarrhea goofing, it is not an exaggeration. And that's the only thing that happens in that episode. Everybody else gets sick with COVID, and they literally, the camera just follows them literally wandering around a patch of grass. That's it. Yeah. And we're almost, that's almost the end of the show. That's how the show ends. Just like your grandpa lost in a patch of grass somewhere.

What if that was Bigfoot diarrhea? No, I don't, I don't want to have this conversation with you. Well, it's all I'm talking about for the rest of my life. You got to be there for the end. Listen to Big Feats. And then we're going to revamp the show. and we're going to start tackling the online drama era as they spin off into multiple shows that hate each other,

which is going to be both worse and much better. So that's my point. Man, man, we're going to hate that. When we left Frank, let's see, he was in Italy talking about all the rad people he knew who did cool crimes, exactly like the ones in popular movies, and then they died. We also went through the photo section of his book,

so we saw his collection of dead mice. We saw a whole lot of pictures of helicopters and attack boats. He was not on, but could be someday. And normally the photo sections in the middle of books like this, but do not be fooled. We are not halfway done. And so now we continue on on page 113. Have you been following the show, Rusty? Did you listen to any of the earlier episodes?

Yes, I missed this week's episode, but I have been trying to keep up on the Seeker Man saga. Oh, excellent. And of course, you've seen the hit true story film Bloodsport. Oh, the documentary. Yes, I've seen that. Yes. It is important to note there was also a photo of one baby. that he was very proud of.

Right. Yeah, there's the young boy that he was very proud of. If you watched this on YouTube, Jamie did edit in all the photos so you can just go by my description. You can see I'm not making any of this shit up. He really did just put a photo

a bunch of dead mice right next to a bunch of commandos training. And the dead mice were courtesy the authors, the commandos training were photos he took from somewhere else. Anyway, this is like, as I said, This is part 11. You can start listening here if you want, but that would be crazy. Crazy like a dukes.

The door burst open and in walked a guy almost as large as me. Anyone large definitely stood out among the diminutive Italians. This guy reminded me if one of the biggest and strongest men I'd met, a gangster nicknamed Kiklop after the Cyclops giant. With that exaggeration. Yeah, no. No, you made that one up. No, look, I know we've been naming guys for extremely.

long time, but you can't throw kicklop the Cyclops, the Italian Cyclops? In the mix, and expect me not to call you out on that. Frank, again, we've been going through this for the last two chapters. He saw a guy walk in and he goes, that guy reminds me of kicklop. So now we're hearing about kicklop. This is not the guy that walked in. The guy who walked in is not kicklop. He's just a Frank Duke sized a man, who again is six foot to 220 pounds above average.

but like we could still fit on a plane, us 6 foot 2, 220s. Yeah, he's a detective extra large. Also a fantasy cyclops named Kicklop. No, I'm... He's doing a crawl. He watched Krull. I know you waited. I know you waited for me to move and have all of my stuff in storage so that I couldn't

access the book to verify that you're making this one up. Do you have the book? We can't give you a minute. I have it. I can't get to it. It's all my stuff in storage. Page 113. If you want to check it later, we're on page 1113. That's the fourth sentence of page 113, kicklop. Kicklop? The fucking Italian, the Italian giant cyclops?

Yes. It just made his way. That's the too many cooks moment in the roll call where you're like, all right. All right. It took me a little while to latch on to what this is. But you're fucking with me. Yep. That's what happened. Without exaggeration, his arms and legs rivaled the thickness of tree trunks. I remember him seated at a nearby table with one of the most beautiful. beautiful women I have ever seen running her hands through his hair. She was a high class. Oh, guess we're talking about the woman now who he was sitting with kicklop, who he got reminded of. Okay. She was a high class call girl who had supposedly netted the Genevieve's mom,

good money, an annual six digit. Okay, we're going through the prostitute's finances. Sorry. We're auditing a prostitute? What the fuck? Okay. So she made an annual six digit figure. in U.S. currency over the past six years.

The mob warned Kiklop that he and the woman could live together, even get married for all it cared, but she still had to work for them. I had the special treat of being present to see Kiklop beat the mafia messenger and his three huge bodyguards bloody. Okay. So that's how Frank Dukes describes a man walking into a room. Dude, say what you will about Frank Dukes. Sexism is definitely part of his problem, but not right now.

I love that he will just, like, throw a woman in, and the woman gets exaggerations and lies exactly on the same caliber. Exactly. She was a billion-dollar prostitute, the first prostitute billionaire. Afterwards, my friends warned me not to hang out with him. Sure enough. Which ones? Let's go back through the roll call.

Let's see which ones. Let's see. There was old jubo. there was got Mojo there was the Yamaguchi Gumigai

He loved he loved pizza He loved specifically German Italian pizza He loved it He sold meth outside there Veljo Bosco

I think Marco That's right Yeah Marco would get them Anything they needed From the Yakuza Anyway this is just I went back one page to get all those names.

All of those guys came out and were like, you don't want to fuck with Kicklop? Are you kidding me? The Cyclops? I was kind of hoping all of his friends were like a like, an attack and a mythical creature, like Punch a Tor and like Closoling Medusa or something. We're fucking getting there, man.

We're slowly but surely getting there. My friends are bad. Mr. Frosty, secret missile, crocodile. You don't want to hang out with Kicklop. I don't want to sound racist, but, you know, the old one-eye crowd. They're not good people.

So friends, friends were him to not to hang out with him. He doesn't say which ones, but there's more than one. Sure enough, the very next week, two boys on motorbikes pulled up along each side of Kit Klopp's car at a stoplight before he could react. They shot him to death. Oh, God damn it. Rest in peace, Kit Klub, we didn't know you nearly well enough. I could do with a book of Just Kicklop the prostitute-loving Cyclops.

At the start of this, I said, all of Frank Duke's friends made up stupid crimes and then get killed. And then Kicklop shows up. And again, this is just because a big guy walked into the room. We still don't know who that big guy was, and we're like three paragraphs away from him. Imagine being the big guy that walks in the room, and Frank Duke's drunk as shit is like, you remind me of a Cyclops I once do, married a billion. whore he did died died in a motorcycle boy shootout just I'm buying this guy a fucking drink this guy's my new best friend that's how he makes all these friends yeah boys is a weird

word for two like motorcycle assassins boys is a strange choice of word I assume they were actually children yeah they had to have been children motorcycle children shot kicklob to death his one weakness kicklob love boys hello boys no no kickloop but betrayed by my one weakness. I wonder what happened to his beautiful prostitute wife. She's kind of bang the next most attractive cyclops. He won't have the flowing main of kicklop,

the legendary flowing main of kicklop. According to Zelko, Dada had arranged the hit to win favor with the Genoa mom. Sorry, I know we haven't even made it one sentence. Can you just start that sentence over? I just want to hear the syllables. Maybe give it a little Dennis Miller. According to Zelko, Dada, arranged to hit the win favor.

what the gin and a mop. I added the, boingo, boingo. And I added another October fest, baby. Okay. Yeah, this is. This is, he has like a natural sense

of funny syllables. Another source claimed it wasn't Dada at all, but raid. One thing was for sure, the hit had the participation of someone in Franco's small circle of friends. So this is Frank's idea. of, I guess, like, tying all these

storylines together. Like, all these guys that just mentioned this last page, oh, they all worked together to kill Kik Klopp. Yeah. It was the, that's the big twist is that they all took one stab at Kik Klop so that all would be guilty. Mm-hmm.

Kicklop's murder reminded me that going back to old haunts didn't necessarily provide a pleasant trip down memory lane. End of section. We still do not know who that big guy was who walked into the bar. This is just the shit that happens when Frank sees a six foot two man. I don't remember why he started listing guys. Like, I think he just saw a guy and started listing.

Like he met, he met the, he met a, God, there's so many fucking names that I'm forgetting. Which one is the one kidneyed milk drinker? Oh, that was old jubo. Jubo. He met jubo and then, like, and I have a firm handle on that. And then we've just gone, we've inception down a list of increasingly outlandish characters until we're in the world of Kicklop, the dead, the dead boy loving Cyclops. But I have no fucking eight.

All these guys are dead. Oh, so it sounds like he's listing his Patreon backers years before he patronage. Dude, you've got to thank Kicklop at the end of the show. Yeah, thank Keklop. Don, Joe, Busco. I'll give you the scan of these pages, then you can thank each of our backers with a Frank Dukes' nickname. El Jiuwil gave the newcomer a quick glance and then dismissed him,

turning his attention to his Noki. You said you were after something special. I think of an idea what you're looking for. If you ask me, don't get mixed up with those Russian assholes. I'll tell you too, not just as a friend, but because I respect the way you fight. Everyone's joining forces. You go up against one group now and you're dealing with them

all. The whole world's become one fucking international corporation. It's the same with the gangs as the legitimate companies, although there aren't that many corporations left that haven't been bought up with drug and arms money. Isn't it just the fucking way of things, man? Like pushing out the independent cyclops, the local indie cyclops for big, big corpo. Yep, big corpo comes in. Literally all the little kicklops. get boy murdered. This is the same point he was making a couple pages ago. He's basically introduced guys and then keeps complaining that like everything's coming

together as one thing while also like distinctly separating people by their races. I love so much that he just pulled out of this like dense nest of like two pages of madness where he saw a guy and it reminded him of another guy. And then in the story where he was reminded of another guy, he remembers a different guy. and then he just keeps dropping down fantasy realms of guys until he's, until he's doing the fucking Odyssey. And then at the end, he's like, and then the guy said,

anyway, I know what you're here for. What the, no, you've got to bring us out, man. You've got to bring us out. We're too deep. It's just making up dudes in white replacement theory. It's just, he's the worst fucking dude. I hear you, I answered, but yeah, yeah, I know. You've got a hard head.

He laughed with gusto. you'll need to see, oh, God damn it. I watched Gusto die a six motorcycle boys. You're so exactly right. The next sentence is you'll need to see slobo or brain in Dusseldorf. He Lexington says you gotta see Slop or Brain. I'm so glad I didn't have to ask you to do the Dennis Pillar. Immediate instinct.

Duseldorf. Every fucking one of these is a Dennis Miller choice. Dennis, if you. gave this Dennis Miller and said, you're the fucking best writer I've ever met. This is good to go tonight. But don't tell them I sent you. He paused as if mulling something over and then heaved himself back into conversation. Listen, this stays between you and me. I think the groundworks being laid for a scam. That's just my feeling. So he thinks there's something fishy going on because Frank asked him for chemical weapons.

It was four or five pages ago, but that's a million men. But just to remind you that that's what he's here for. He's like, hey, nice to see you. You got any fucking secret Russian bio weapons? He's like, I'm glad you asked. Kickl up. Actually, yes.

And in fact, there's another twist coming. I don't know what it is. Just my gut says these are fake bio weapons. Anyway, try to just keep that in mind. I don't know if it'll come back. El Jubo checked his watch. Franco, my friend, I'm sorry, but I must go. I'm flying to Amsterdam.

A shipment of orange juice is coming in. What he most likely meant was a shipment of cocaine, packed in plastic sacks, and hidden in cans of frozen orange juice. We did establish, trustee, in a previous chapter, that, is it Milan where they are right now, or is it Berlin? They're in Milan.

But all of the farmer's markets in Milan are, are fronts for drug running. So you can't buy fresh produce in Italy because it's all just full of grenades and cocaine. The farmer's markets. And you can get a German pizza, but those are also drug fronts. So I think if you ordered a German pizza,

that would probably be just a big tray of cocaine. I don't know. I don't know. If I asked for a German pizza, that sounds like I'm ordering drugs because I would never ask for a German pizza. Yeah. Yeah.

That's like how the Democrats order a child. Put that in the podcast, Jamie. Break that story white open. That was the last time I saw Jobo. Our past didn't cross again. And in 1986, when summoned to appear at the Munich Municipal Courthouse, Jubo was shot down on the steps in broad daylight and with more than half a dozen German policemen present, allegedly by his longtime friend, Zelko.

To my knowledge, Zelko was never charged with the crime, but he did serve eight years in jail afterward. After his release, Zelko returned to Belgrade and formed his own, quote, family, only to be gunned down himself within a year or so. Just an ingested record of gunning each other down. All those German policemen were killed also. And then the meteorite that landed on them was avenged. By Cosmore, the flying sorcerer. All right.

Okay, let me get back to the book. The very serious real book. I am not turning up any results for a Jubo and Zelko German courthouse murder. Ah, you'd think that would have been all over the news. Yeah, it's like like those headlines right themselves. I mean, it was back in 1986. That was 40 years ago. They didn't have newspapers.

Maybe someone owed Olljubo a favor. After Jubo's death, my sources in Europe informed me that Interpol had met in Brussels in late 1985 and early 1986 to plan the breakup of the Olljubo raid partnership. They obviously succeeded using Zelko. As interesting an individual as an Ljubo was, as far as the business of crime, goes for Ariel Jubo, there are always a hundred more to take his place. Which I will be listing now. He's so close to saying for every, for every Jewbo, there are a hundred Zelko's. Like that.

There's only one kicklop. The old saying goes. Okay. I'm just going to keep reading. That's the end of that section. Don't know what it was there for. I think it's just to set up. He literally got nothing out of that.

He came in there and he asked about weapons and Jubo was like, look, this isn't based on anything. I think it might have been a scam. Yep. And then he remembered 600 guys and the Cyclops. And the Jewel was like, I'm going to, I'm going to go because you're just like openly disassociating in front of me. He did get two Dusseldorferian names. He got Slowbo and Brain. So all he needs to do is go to Dusselaurf, get Slowbo and Brain.

But he can't say old Jubo sent you because he had a falling out. Slowbo and Jubo, they had a... You can't have a Slowbo and a Jubo. I'm just describing a Herkiloid's episode. Okay, so the ant people came out of the volcano and then Slowbo and Gerbo used their media right slingshot to defeat them. Slowbo took the form of a trampoline and Tundro used it to jump on the enemy's head. Okay, okay.

Everybody knows you can't have a Jubo and a Slowbo on the same squad. They will fight. 100%. Or merge into one panda. I don't know how slowbo's work. After dinner, I poked my head in the Piper's Club, a disco frequented by mercenaries, waiting for work, but nothing much was happening. A few drunken loudmouthed, sat at a table, barely bothering to take in my arrival.

I just want to stop here. Why didn't they clap? That's fucked up. I'm feeling unbeheld. Excuse me. Excuse me, everybody? There's no fanfare. I was not heralded even a little bit.

Okay, barely bothering to take in my arrival. I didn't like big mouths. They would never work for me. The most dangerous Merck's tended to be quiet, and more often than not alone. Teamwork was essential to many successful operations. However, one's dependence on and trust in a spotter-slash-sniper marriage, for example, was based on professional respect,

not friendship or emotional camaraderie. Merck's had hangouts across the globe. In Paris, you could find Merks near the Rue de Martyr, the transvestite quarter, and a place where the locals' hatred of the police would keep the most wanted felon's presence a secret. So, Duke's is a chaser. Dukes just heads out to Perry and...

I don't... You know what? I don't think the trans community is going to be too upset by this one when you're like, yeah, you got to watch out when you go into trans neighborhoods full of deadly mercenaries. Whoa, I trusted you.

with that clearance. That's the stereotype I have of them. That's a fun night out. Yeah. Assault. Let's go there. Okay. Here, within this haunt of thieves and prostitutes,

you sometimes discovered a human embodiment of strange innocence and wisdom. In such stark contrast to its surroundings, that it left you astonished, even be well. A tiny race of whatever Yoda is, levitated in front of my karate eyes. Of course. Which reminded me of another baby I meant. Porco.

Okay. The long flowing mane of Porco. This is a really good book. I just want like, when we had started this podcast, I would have told you like, man, I don't know that I'm ready for like what's in this book.

But if you would force me to bet, I would have said probably not a Cyclops. Yeah, definitely. Probably not a mythical, beautiful. full prostitute loving cyclops and I would have lost all of my fucking money. To me it's almost like he's like a

Kaiser Serze like he's sitting in an office but he's surrounded by like those knockoff master of the universe Remco figures and just making up names for them on the spot. You are not the first person to say this which means that's almost certainly what the case was like I bet if we actually just independently looked up

all the all the Boscos and Zerbo's and Vojos they would be like Italian appliance makers I think if we found the like the TNT schedule for 1991, like we could like figure out what movies Frank Dukes watched while he was typing this up. Every one of these was like a guest bad guy on Knight Rider. One such incarnation manifested itself in the form of a Parisian boy called Kiki. He had befriended Michelle.

I wasn't wrong. I wasn't wrong. He's got his baby Yoda. Kiki is a great name for a baby Yoda. I don't think we know who. who Michelle is, I think this is a second magical boy immediately.

Two magical boys. So there's a magical, strange innocence and wisdom in the form of Kiki. He had befriended Michelle. Omasa, a war veteran who could not speak. Okay, that's Michelle. He's a war veteran who can't speak. A mute. Okay, Kiki is best friends

with the old soldier who can't talk. Okay. Again, like, look, this is ridiculous, but I watch that fucking movie. I would. It's only going to get more magical. Just listen. Listen to this.

At night, he would bake little cakes for the Parisian pigeons. It's made little bird cakes. My bird. Do the each, hold on. Do the age get a little personal stick? No, no, no. He makes one tiny one inch cake and then slices it with the tiniest of fives. he's going to be so far down the rabbit hole of naming guides that he just finds himself in a fugue writing

tiny cakes for pigeons and it's like hold on what the fuck was that where'd that come from that can't go in the book oh i don't have any backspace function it hasn't been invented yet oh jesus christ so now he's in a okay And during the day he roamed, throwing the cakes into the air. You can't, you're making this one up too. There's no, there's no, there's no, there's no, there's no beautiful prostitute-loving cyclops. There's no, there's a bird, he's a magical boy who befriended the mute veteran and he bakes for birds and then skips down the street, throwing them into the sky.

It's the birds, they eat them midair. It's the natural environment of a bird. Okay, okay. In the parks, the birds covered him, perched on his shoulders and head. He's a druid. He's a baking druid. The baking bird druid. Oh, fuck.

Such was his pure innocence. He could control all birds. Afterward, he was off to the local bistro where he met Kiki and the other inhabitants of the place. Oh, so this is the mute soldier? No, Michelle is the mute soldier. Kiki is the magical bird boy. Okay. I listened with amusement to Kiki's conversations of politics and love

and his attempts to collect girls' phone numbers, despite the fact that he couldn't write. Kiki's comments... He would train each bird to recall a number. He had to recall the recipes through a series of clicks. Kiki's comments often seen. the wisest of the lot, even though he was only five years old,

leaning up against... Hold on. He's up... What? What? He's baking... He's baking bird cakes at five years old? That's too young to be making bird cakes.

He's also in the politics at five years old, too. That's the other... And getting fucking digits out there, just digits. Yep. I love Kiki. Five-year-old... We should see... Oh, God.

Oh, I just realized. I was like, let's look up Kiki. I realized how Frank Dukes has to... to kill Kiki before we get out of this chapter. Oh, yeah. Oh, no. He's going to get, he's going to get gunned down by even younger boys on tiny, tiny motorcycles. Oh, I think it's going to be the birds. A bunch of toddlers on power wheels gunned him down. I think the birds are going to take him into the sky and he'll never come back.

Okay. Leaning up against the bar like a shrunken but enthusiastic little man, he always knew the right questions to ask and the simple and obvious answers always seemed implicit in the questions themselves or his unadorned comments concerning the whitest variety of topics. Never argue with a girl, he once told me in all seriousness. And as far as I saw, he never did. Not a human one anyway. You've had enough cake, pigeon.

Oh, Jesus Christ. There's only one, like, this had to be an orphan. situation, or this is just like a little person who, who has a joke told Frank like, yeah, I'm five. I'm a five-year-old boy. What do, then he panicked. It was like, fuck, what did five-year-olds like? Birds, I'm a bird master?

I can't, I can't write. You're going in the book. You're going to the book, kid. All right. And my previous wanderings through Paris, I had happened upon many strange sites, but perhaps the strangest occurred one month when dead cats, seemed to appear everywhere. Kiki organized the birds to strike back.

Preeemptive strike. Birds are the natural enemy of cat. I learned later that the animal's bodies were filled with cocaine or heroin and then left at drop points. No one fooled with the carcasses except the drug buyers. Later, I adopted this ploy for my drops with the Soviets. Hold on. So you murdered a bunch of cats?

You kill your own book. You're like, yeah, I'd kill cats all the time. Stuff them with cocaine and give them to the Russians. 50 dead cats, that's a good idea, I thought to myself. Do you know how dangerous like a thousand cocaine infused coyotes are? Like that's a horror movie, man. Sweeping over. Cocaine coyote right there.

Oh, God. Do you think that's going to be how he kills Kiki? Oh, no. He forget he forgets to kill the cats first and then stuff some full of cocaine and then covered in birds. He just gets mauled to death by a pack of cocaine. What if he fills a pigeon with cocaine? But like he kills it. So he has to keep throwing it up in the air in hopes he catches it.

Just keeps running and picking it up, throwing it up back in the up in the air. Here you go, Keith, come on. Take the cake. Swoop. Swoop, Kiki. Ljubo's cryptic comments intrigue me. Obviously, Slobo and brain were somehow tied into something big. Whether any connection to Delphi-9 remain to be seen.

I mulled over what I'd learned so far. Things were falling into place not only for this particular mission, but overall as well, and confirming my suspicion that one reason that Casey and the Soviets considered me useful for this mission was my underworld connections. I was also finding out what Casey meant by wanting an echo. Okay, is he, does he, has he even? forgotten that he walked into a bar with a bunch of lowlifes who wouldn't even properly behold him. Yeah, they didn't even behold him.

That went nowhere. They suffered no repercussions. That's true. He didn't kill a single man with a comb. He didn't clop him to death with his hand shoes, his steel healed handshoes. As far as I know, going in the Piper's Club, that disco with the mercenaries didn't do anything. He just reminded him of the young boy he knew. He branded him of Kiki.

Works for me. This is just like blood sport, man. Whatever gets you there. Whatever gets you to the best story I've ever heard. Just as some people claim that there are three kinds of great loves, the archetypal love of one's dreams, the love we attain, and the love formed from the blending of the first two.

There exist three broad types of clandestine spies. Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. Oh, it fucking dislodged my entire brain. Just like there are three types of the, philosophers saying there are three types of love. So, too, are there three types of spy? Yes, that is what he's saying. Okay, it is a really good cookie. The intelligence specialist moves in the exotic, clandestine world of espionage supported by skills of observation and information

gathering. The second category, counterintelligence, requires the patience of a saint and a highly analytical ability to index and cross-reference thousands of tidbits of information that might form the pieces of a complex puzzle. We're getting a tidbit crossover. Oh, hell yeah. Lastly, the covert operative, like me, is a blend of the two. One primary and crucial ability of elite covert operatives without official links to the agency, often referred to as echoes. Extraordinary circumstance, covert operatives, lies in their ability to move effectively and unnoticed within the criminal underworld.

Do you think he was super mad when that dolphin took his cool name? Almost certainly. He definitely strangled that dolphin. I definitely tried to sue that dolphin. Like, there's only one echo. I'm here to kill you, Echo. You know, you remind me of another fish I knew. His name was Blue Bobbs. He could get you anything you needed under the sea.

This is just like when that Italian restaurant tried to get away with naming their pasta, Angry Frank. It won't fly. Suddenly a pigeon flew up and said, We bring you a message from Kiki. I learned to speak pigeon deep in the jungles of Soviet Union. Okay, okay. We're getting very distracted.

I really, I honestly did not realize that wasn't part of the book. This underworld is tapped into a network of information. Moreover, the information one receives is freer of political rhetoric or ideological bias. There's no woke. Ironically, you get your real news from the mercenaries, guys. You can't trust the corporate media. There's no no smoke in the underground. Ironically, information received from underground sources tends to be more reliable.

Although it was general knowledge that the C.E. CIA had often used criminals as informants and that the agency itself was not above criminal activity. Casey had indicated that he wanted me to serve as a possible liaison with organizations and individuals that might discredit the agency. Perhaps he wanted to avoid some of the same political fallout that ex-CIA director George Bush later experienced due to allegations that he met and established direct ties with Central American terrorists. Okay. Fuck yeah, we got George Bush appearing in official. He's part of this extended universe. He's part of these canon.

What if George Bush is Kiki all grown up? Oh, fuck, I hope that's what happens. Kiki of the birds? Has anybody tried cooing at him lately? Just give him a little coo? See how he responds? If he immediately starts baking a tiny cake, you'll know. You'll know it was him.

I can picture him doing it. Absolutely. That's like what he did after he was president. He did all those war crimes, then he made a bunch of tiny little cakes, and we forgave him. Yeah, he's cute now. Now, though, it was obvious that the Soviets had their own problems and wanted to use me for similar ends. We'd see.

I didn't like going on incomplete or false information. Hold up. What? His only mission so far was, hey, Frank, there's a bunch of dead bodies. That's probably like one guy, right? That's, I have never seen Frank Dukes get a single fucking bit more of information than like, I got a good feeling. I mean, it's pisses me off. I opened the episode with it, but he stumbled into a baby trap and there turned out not

to be a baby. That was incomplete information. If they wanted my help, they were going to have to provide me with something more than the anthrax story. What in the world was Delphi 9 finding out was the first item on my agenda? The second item was an even more daunting one if Delphi 9 existed. Where in the world was it? I love it.

If that even exists, where can I find it? That is a pressing issue. Even more pressing, when I do find it, what do I do? Number four, can I eat it? Number five, what do I do after I've eaten Delphi Nine? Okay, so that was chapter 12. That took us, maybe just six episodes, but we did it. That was the best chapter of the book, bar none.

Unless all of these people are teaming up together, expendable style in a future chapter, I don't know how you're going to beat that. I don't know how you're going to beat fucking when the cyclops appeared and the crowd goes fucking nuts. Oh my God, I got the cyclops. And then they don't even know about Kiki the Bird Boy. How did everybody do like for reading comprehension like at school?

Did you ever, do you remember getting rated on that and being good at that or like Rusty? How'd you do it? I was always always. I was actually making a joke earlier today. I was actually in the gifted program of all the thing as a kid, which doesn't mean anything, of course. But they decided to like wreck my entire, they wrecked my entire education so they could put me in a weird class for fifth grade. But I was actually just kind of a pleasant guy. Because Brockway and I are gifted and that's kind of why we're assholes.

But you seem like a real pleasant guy. Well, thank you. I appreciate that. I think you're both nice for the record. So, um, can I clarify the record a little bit? I was put in a gifted program, but I am not gifted. It was a trick. I've been writing notes and following along, but like I kind of like in a weird way, like, you know, like you're saying I'm a nice guy and like I try to see the best in things.

I hope that like Frank has like sort of like a like a big fish ending at the end of his life. Oh God. Like jubo, slowbo, zilko, Kiki, Michelle, they all show up. But like no one's going to fucking show up because none of these people were real. Yeah, that's going to be a bummer. I was asking about the reading comprehension because I want to see if we can agree on what has. happened in that chapter. Like, there was a lot of words, but like, if you were to film it, what would we, no flashbacks, no inner monologue, what would we actually be looking at?

I don't think it's fair to call that reading comprehension. I don't, I don't think it's fair to call what we just did reading. Interesting point. And to apply, and to apply the descriptor of comprehension on it, I don't think that's possible or accurate. Like, I, like, I, I have really good reading comprehension, but also you're just going to explode my brain every other sentence with like a new guy in a nest in fantasy. And then you're going to start throwing flying, baking bird boys and cyclops is in there.

And then you're going to, this is the, it's the famous clip of all the people throwing the basketball back and forth. And then at the end, you're like, now where's the gorilla? Like I don't, you're like,

there's a gorilla? What? Yeah. That's why I'm asking. Because as far as I can tell, he went to one bar and then he went to, to a different bar. And that's the only thing that happened in the entire chapter.

He asked, he asked Jubo about the Delphi 9. He told him, I think, I think it might be kind of a scam. Ask these guys. End of chapter. He got a whole chapter out of that. And he must have just saw the word count and panicked and been like, I just got to start naming guys. Just got to start making up dudes.

And like, like, I can follow a lot of it along. But like, it sort of felt like, like somebody explaining to Grant Morrison's story to Grant Morrison who explained it back to them. So it was kind of, it was a little bit, a little bit like, because I was like, I know, there's There's something there. Aspect to aspect. Yeah. Shifting, you know.

Yeah, but so much self-indulgence in, in multiple directions that you're like, hold on, did, nothing did happen though, right? Like, I just read 40 issues of this comic, Grant. But I am absolutely going to take this trick into my own writing. Next time I'm like, Jesus Christ, I'm like a 10,000. words short, I'm going to just start naming guys. Because it was my favorite thing that happened. There was no reason for it.

It was so fun. Yeah. We'll always remember Kiklup and Kiki. Actually, Kiki could come back. We don't know. We got to remember Veljo, the guy from the guy who got thrown out of a helicopter in one of the rampos and then his memorial photo was him in Redface. I'm sorry we didn't have read that one, Rusty.

You could have pulled the Indian card there, but no, you waited until this episode. Yeah, we're like, is this okay because you're here? Because it feels fucked up. Let's move out in Chapter 13, Dusseldorf. The next morning, I took the train to Dusseldorf. I decided to bypass Munich, even though some of the mafia's biggest figures had put routes there and I could possibly pick up information. Agostina Flenda was the Sicilian mafia's main source of heroin throughout Northern Europe,

and he had lived in Munich since the early 70s. Germany's FBI, the Bundeskiminar. I'm sure I'm saying that, right? Otherwise known as the BCA didn't even have a clue. In fact, Germany was swarming with Sicilian mafioso. Oh my God, Frank. Pasquale, Kourana and his brother Alphonsea were mafia drug trafficking. in German. And Giuseppe Koufaro ran heroin shipments from Thailand and the United States through

Baden Baden just to mention a few. Just to mention a few. Just to throw those off. Just dropping names. Yeah, this is such a legitimacy, a smokescreen of just like, well, you must, if you're in the underworld, you must know Pasqualo Alfonso. You're like, I don't, oh, well, then you'll, then you'll, of course, Snowk Club, the Soklavs. Well, if he knows all those names, he must be legit. Traveling by train always left me drained. And my arrival in Dusseldorf was no exception. First thing, I found a hotel room somewhere I wouldn't be easily located.

Down a street near the train station. Okay. Grab the nearest hotel where no one would look. The first one, the first hotel by the train station. train station. Just crazy enough to work. I imagine the assassins coming up and being like, you can't check the first hotel by the train station. He's, yeah, no idiot. That'd be fucking stupid. Okay, once out of the massive station, I crossed the major strasa and headed down a side street. A couple of blocks later, I turned through an arcway and the brick wall running parallel to the

street and went partway down a side alley, so narrow my shoulders nearly brush the walls on each side. An iron gate opened into a well-like courtyard on the back of the hotel. The courtyard smelled of urine and soot. We were getting romantic-bives for a minute there. I thought he was going to meet like an elf prince. Yeah, I thought that was going to be real nice. No. Not my idea of accommodations, but old Jubo's warning encouraged me to be cautious. If anything went wrong, it would take a while for anyone to find me here. I presented my passport to the dower, aprons woman at the front desk. If I had the part quickly, I could always leave it behind. I had others. This is the Kaiser Soze moment where he splays the passports out and you're like, oh my God,

Chubo, Bosco. Oh, God, that would be such a good reveal. So I guess he's going to just leave his fucking passport with this like lady at the front desk. I need a room for the night. Give me your passport, your laptop. $8,000 cash. You're like, oh. Yeah, you know how like, I mean, they really got to play it by the books, the urine-soaked train station hotels. Down the damn foot down the fucking Harry Potter alley that you have to access to get to them. They're always, they're suckers for records. You need to pay for your room and target gift cards.

And give me your passport. I think you might be getting scammed here, Frank. Yep. My room was cramped and grubby and smelled like mold. It held only a few pieces of furniture and curtains. nearly blackened with age and pollution. The grimy window looked out onto the narrow alleyway and the barred windows in the next building.

I got myself wet under the dribble of a shower. Don't say like that. That's the weirdest way. The weirdest way you can say that. I've never heard a weirder shower described. Yep. The water smelled like iron and so did I afterward. At least I woke up a bit.

Then, instead of staying in the room, to be depressed by my surroundings. I headed out for a night in Dusseldorf. I don't know why you even said this. You're supposed to be laying low. That was the whole point of the hotel. At the town. Down Dagon Alley here.

You can't go cut it up. All right, I'm going to go party. You hold on to my passport, goblin woman. Why do you keep giving me passports, bro? New one every single time. Skeletons of skyscrapers, albeit small ones, rose up around me like steel-boned

and glass-skinned ruins rather than incipient buildings. Everything depended on timing and perspective. That was certainly the ease. Certainly the case at Club Sabra. It's so funny how he can tell he fancies himself a writer, like, gonna let the old prose shine a little bit.

What would a real writer say here tiny tiny skyscrapers shot rocket into the sky but tinyly yep it is it is super like i i'm fucking i'm fucking i'm fucking painting a picture of a of a lunar starscape the interior of duceldorf's club sabra was even murkier than usual i used to joke that they pumped in cigarette smoke through the ventilation system huh what a good joke you know kiki loved that one god rest his soul It provided excellent cover if one needed it. Cover wasn't necessary at Club Sabra, though, which was off limits to police, not on the take.

A semi-private disco where you could be sure to find experienced gangland talent. It bore an uncanny resemblance to an employment office for career criminals. Club Sabra was especially good for sources of information, including how to get in and out of the Soviet bloc countries, or whom to see to get forged papers, visas, and passports of any nationality. For the right price, one could find a sanctuary from the police. And I once heard an interesting story concerning a number of fugitives who visited the club in search of a woman of influence who could arrange secret passage to South America, a seductive woman and former prostitute pimped by my friend Marco. She repeatedly helped dozens of European fugitives disappear from the face of the earth, never to be heard from again.

Why? Because according to the story, ritually told the newcomers over a beer before they met this, woman who would engineer their escape from justice, she drugged her clients, ground them up in her basement, and cleverly sent them on their way disguised as cans of dog food. The ladies

turns criminals into dog food. What's that you say? Of course she's a former prostitute. Who was she pipped by? Who was her representation? I believe it was my good friend, Marco. The story told in fun, no doubt deterred some fugitives from chancing her help,

especially since Marco had concocted the story after he had rented her a room over a butcher shop. So it's a former pimp being like, oh, you're going to start your own business, that's fine, baby. I'm going to tank it. God damn it, can you stop telling all my customers that are going to be dog food? It's really bad marketing. Come work for me, baby. why'd you leave the life, baby? You'll never be a human trafficker.

You make your living on your back. I'll show you. I will human traffic. Yeah, Frank accidentally wrote like a really coherent little sad story there. That's close. I would, every once in a while, it's obviously by pure accident, but he'll write the setup for like a great fucking movie. Like, I want to, I want to the mute soldier and his bird boy, his bird child. I want to watch that.

Absolutely. I want to watch that movie. I want to watch this. I want to watch the movie called Dog Food Prostitute. Of course I will. Title alone. Expository theme song for that movie would be so good. She's a dog food prostitute.

Na, nah, nah. You were going funky, right? I was going for. Okay, no, I think. Put on your suit. Dog food prostitute. Okay. I ended up.

I handed the haze of Clubs Sabra at an awkward moment. Some guy was getting the shit kicked out of my two other guys. Made sure my back was to a wall and watched. Oh, that is awkward. Yeah. I had no idea who the guy on the floor was, but the two men hitting him with bottles,

throwing glass ashtrays and viciously lashing out with their feet, worked for the very gentleman I was looking for. Slowbo and brain. Who's down? I asked another spectator who stood nearby. I had to shout over the blaring music. Kala, he replied, giving me a once over, then turning back to the fight. This news was not only intriguing, but ominous.

Two of the most dangerous gangsters in Dusseldorf had been Kala and Hans, and in time all the pimping, racketeering, and protection extortion games came under their control. You can see him unlock, like that last chapter. You can see him, like, he just started naming guys, and he was like, this is so fucking easy. I can do this forever. I just need to, like, name. Every single time I go anywhere, I need to name eight guys. That's a book, baby.

I don't think he's even ordered a drink yet. Like, he came into this place, told that dog food story to himself, and then immediately ran into a fist fight with guys he was looking for. It's very lucky. The toughest gangsters losing a fist fight. Enter two brothers from Chronogoric and Montenegro, Slobo and Brain Saranovich, who opened a private casino. Slobo and Brain served as associates of Dino,

a mafia chief wealthy and powerful enough to control silent partnerships and various interests in gambling casinos throughout the United States and Europe. Although Slobo was a medical doctor, he had never served a day as a physician. Why should he, Dino demanded, when the guys invented the means to read cards without detection in order to see what some schmucks got in his hand. We're still in the middle of a paragraph, but I got to stop. What the fuck? Slowbo is a medical doctor who's not a doctor

because he invented a way to read cards from the back. And I too will teach you the Slowbo method. Three payments, 1995. Trust me, a medical doctor. I'm Dr. Slowbo, the gambling doctor. Come now. Fuck, he did it again. He invented a whole.

whole new world. And he invented another fucking movie. I would love to watch. Dr. Slobo Gambling Doctor. That's a series, baby. Together, the three men were bankrupting rival casinos and some of the wealthiest players throughout Europe. And before it's firebombing, no place beat Dino's Club Cabala, located on Costa Rosa Street and Amsterdam's Red Light District for gambling and women. Okay, wait, hold on. Until his death from throat cancer in a Florida to hospital in 1989, Dino was the man to see if you needed to have money laundered to purchase financial instruments or to buy political favors. So you can't check on that one either. Poor guy. That's it. That's not as good at ending as I never thought I'd give this note,

but I guess you could have motorcycle boys shoot him to death. Like that was a better. That was better. Yeah. You can still give him throat cancer, but then be like, and then they drove into his hospital room, the motorcycle boys, who I'm now picturing as like the world's fattest twins on the little motorbikes and shot him to death. Welcome World Warriors to the second annual hot dog Kumitae Supreme Division.

You are all here because you are the best fighters your country, school, or local strip mall can produce. Let's get this roll call started. Adrian H. It's like you're fighting frog style. I don't know that one. A lot of jumps, I presume. Alex Nolenberg.

Un-Andi. Armando Nava, you're fighting crane style. That's a classic, notorious warriors, the cranes. Brandon Garlock, Rockway, famously loves the meat millie. Christopher Worthing. See, you're fighting crab style. Nice.

Dan B. Dusty's Red title. Elevator. Fate elevator. Love the name. Can you define for me? what magical morality elevator style is. Uh-huh.

Uh-huh. That's fucked up. God have mercy on your opponents. Elizabeth Shope. Eric Christian Bird says here you're also fighting crab style. Don't worry. No rule against pinch it. Jello.

Greg Cunningham. Alpha scientist Javo. Uh, you appear to be some sort of shaved beast entered as a joke? Uh, looking around here. actually, let's do this all at once. Please roar or shriek if you're actually a shaved beast entered as a joke. Got it. Toasty God.

Matt Riley, Devin the Rogue Supreme, Timi Leahy, Mr. Bob Gray, I'm going to need you all to step out of line. But good news, we will be holding an all-naked novelty beast division next month. Get your shock. Grumpy Phoenix. Harvey Pengweeney. You will be fighting using Uninvited Uncle style? Gross, man.

I'll be a law against you, people. Up to, but there's not. Welcome to the Kumate. Honk. James Boy. Jared Mountain Man. Jeff O'Raskey. Are you...

Are you also using crab style? No, no, it's not a problem. We just try to mix it up a little more here in the Kumite. John Dean? John McCammon. John Minkoff? All good? Joshua Graves, you...

Did you not hear me when I asked All-shaped novelty beasts to vacate the line? No, you're not. shaved. Oh, you have alopecia, but you are a beast. Let me... No, no, you're right. Nothing in the rule book. You air-butted me. That's a fair play. Justin B. Katzat Studios. Ken Paisley, says here you'll be using gun style. Now does that mean you just brought a gun? No, no, no rule against it. I'm just, I'm honestly amazed nobody tried it before. Uh, K&M, Lisa. Leopard Queen, you're fighting leopard style.

to see the classics again. I am curious to see how that will counter gun though. Amjahe Chappelle, Mark, Max Broyd, Michael Lairr, you'll be using insane, I don't know this one, insane vehicle style? Oh, oh, I'm sorry, Michael Lair is an insane vehicle and we'll be using American Fender Kenpo Karate. Gotcha. Mort, N.D., Neil Bailey, Neil Schaefer, again, crab style. What's going on? Folks, is there a new dojo in town or what? Must be good. Nick Levino, obsolete. Says here you don't have a style and you're just gonna fucking flip out when you get in there. That's a solid play. Orner Weevil, Ozzie Olin, Patrick Hertz is going to try negotiating. All right. Pee Wee's uncle, practical ZFS, rebrandrew, red wine time, you're using drunken kung fu. Okay. Oh, what was it?

What was that? One more time? I can't... I can't understand... Oh, no Kung Fu. You're just drunk. Got it. Rianid. Russell Fowman. Sam Cotnick. Sean Logan Chase uses human tornado style. Hell yeah, man. Can you do the noises? That's great. It cracks me up every time. Seed. Tater's Tales. Thomas Cavatsos. You're using clone Jutsu. I didn't know that was real. It's not. It's from a cartoon? Then what are you gonna...

Alright, never mind, your business. Tommy G. Bilo. Yvonne Clapham. Zach and Eva. Oh, I'm sorry, Zach and Eva. No tag teams in the Supreme Division. You're conjoined.

Can I see where? Oh, excuse me, that makes me the pervert. I'm the pervert for trying to do my job. All right, all right, you have it your way. Super Not. Your crab style. Hold on, hold on. There's something wrong with the rest of my list.

Uh, Jaber, Al Aden, Spotty reception, Dean Costello. All crabs? You are. Booster, Brian Sailor, Sarah. Crab, crab, crab, crab, crab, crab, all the way down. All right. Waylon Russell, Crab, Elliot Watson, Crab, Neck of 104, Crab, David Schult. What's that?

Mud Flat Fiddler style. Good, I was worried these were all gonna be cra- Oh, that's a type of crab style. Okay. Space Jam fan, you crab? You crabbing? Okay. Victor Malavankin. No need to answer. I can see you're scuttling right now. Craig Lemoy. Also crab? Also crab. Oh, fancy shark. That's more like it. I got you down as shark style in the fancy subdivision.

Good on you, pal. What's that? No, you cannot change crab style this late in the game. I don't care how much fun it looks like they're having. All right, all folks, settle down, settle down. Let's get this Kumitae started. If you'll all head in through these doors, single file and hey hey crabs crabs crabs crabs hey stop it crabs stop pulling each other back one of you has to go first