The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - The Secret Men: Part 12 - Action Gumpin' with David Bell

Episode Date: October 14, 2026

David Bell joins the ranks of The Secret Men for the reading of a long list of ridiculous names! Sorry, that was last episode. And the episode before. Coming up on this episode: A LONG LIST OF RIDICULOUS NAMES.

Secret man shit comes to the dog show 9000 The official podcast of 1900 hot dog.com We're the final website. We have daily articles like the old days of the internet by world-class comedy writers. Go there, we do a free one every week.

And if you subscribe, you get one every day and movie watch alongside with us. It's absurd. All the joy we give you for, what, like $5 for the price of half a gallon of diesel. You can prop up the entire remaining internet comedy writing industry. So support us at patreon.com slash 1,900 hot dog.

I'm the web's Sean Baby, and my partner was just barely not picked to become a sex spy after losing a childhood karate tournament. To know him is to know the moon. He's Robert Brockway. $5 is $1 now, by the way. That's true. That's $1. That's all we're asking for is a single dollar. You can afford that.

I'm Robert Brockway. Here's a Brockway fact. I once injured several Marines in a blanket party, but not the kind you're thinking of. No follow-up questions. I saw that on the news. Our guest is headwriter for some more news. Half of the Gamefully Unemployed Podcast Network,

he survives the chaos of Hana Michaels every day. To know him is to know the moon. He's David Bell. Hello, dog fans. Woof, woof to you. He's in the zone. My dog lovers out there. What do you call your,

Are they raw dogs? Like, what do you call your fans? Hot dogs, I think. Okay. Yeah, sure. If we call them anything. Sergeant Bananas. I'm just trying, I'm trying stuff.

Yeah. You can call them anything you want, right? You own them. Yeah. Little doggies, cocktail we need. It's a little too cute. Punks. Mommy.

A bunch of punks. Thank you for having me on here, by the way. It's always great to have you. It's always great to be on. It's always fun. Like literally it's always fun. You position it in a way where I just get to sit back and like enjoy myself, you know. That's really nice to say.

That's the vibe we're going for. Yeah, that's the idea. Everything is so important and vital. And despite being the very, very last comedy website, we, you know, we like to have a frivolous nature to our stuff. Yeah. Are you saying that this isn't serious work going over the auto, the factual autobiography of the world? world's greatest spy. We owe so much to this hero. It's true. If we get it wrong, my God. Well, before we get into that, let's do some plugs. David, what are you working on? Can you tell us?

Are you, you said, you already say I'm the head writer for some more news and gamefully unemployed, where you can get podcasts about movies. If you, if you clack in gamefully unemployed into your podcast machine, you'll get us. You'll get us. And check us out. That's it. That's it. That's all I have for you, you know? Thank you. We also have a Patreon where you can give the equivalent of one dollar a month, which is now $5. A single dollar.

A single dollar. Just do it. It's all yes. Brockway, uh, do you want to plug something? Uh, I will plug our other podcast, Bigfeats,

which we do with, uh, with, uh, TikTok superstar, uh, Jason Bargin. Also,

New York Times by selling, uh, author. He's, uh, he's really outgrown our show. Real big foot talent. I think,

He started out growing it. Yeah, like the episode one, he was too big for the show. Yeah, this would be like if, if, like, Ricky Martin got exactly as famous as he did at the peak of his career, but just never left Minuto. It's just like. It's just like a 55-year-old man with a bunch of kids. Yeah, that's exactly. That's what Jason Pargeon is. That's exactly what I'm saying.

Yeah. Jason Pargeon is go listen to Big Feats. We watch the show Mountain Monsters. We just recorded the final episode of the Mountain Monsters era. It's not the end of big feats, but we are going to take a little break after that, recalibrate it and start in on the spin-offs. There are four Mountain Monster spin-offs now. We're going to get in. They all hate each other.

So we're going to get into that. But for right now, the finale is recorded. It's in the bag. We fucking did it. We watched every single episode of Mountain Monsters and recorded. It's like oddly emotional. More than twice the length of the runtime of the show Mountain Monsters. Did they do it?

Did they catch him? Oh, yeah. They think they did. Okay. Yeah. They defeated the spear finger. They assembled the Thunderhammer. No, no, no.

Okay, they didn't wrap up anything else, but they do think they finally caught Bigfoot on film. However, they fucked up and made all of their former episodes canon. So it will be like the 117th time that they've caught Bigfoot on film. And it's not a special moment at all. Unless they admit they're like, we were lying up until this point. Everything before it was a lie. Oh, imagine how frustrated they'd be if that was true. If you were the boy who cried wolf and then finally the wolf showed up and you're like,

Oh, if they actually got me. Hold on. No, this one's real. No, fuck, everybody. Oh, hold on. Drop their accents. They're actually British. They're like, okay, stop everything.

Really Bigfoot guys. Sorry. I think we're writing a fucking sweet movie right now. Yeah. Yeah, that's our Mountain Monsters reboot movie, which you can learn about on the podcast. Go listen to Big Feats. That's my point.

David, have you listened to any of our Peabody certain podcast series on this book we're talking about today? No, I haven't. I haven't had a chance to. But you're familiar with Frank Dukes. Yeah, I mean, I know that he's like, you know, like you were saying, like an international spy. He's an extremely accomplished man. Yeah, of course. American superhero. Yeah.

Real life's change on. Yeah. World's best lover, I think, is in there as well. Uh-huh. Knows all the best guys. Just to catch up the listeners, like any maniac, listeners who were jumping in here at part 12. Here's a quick recap.

Frank was grimed to be the world's greatest spy by a levitating man from the Orient who found him crying in a locker room after losing badly in a judo tournament. He was then given to Mossad and the NSA for sex training, infiltrated the Marines by going to boot camp, getting bullied, and then leaving, became the secret world famous martial arts heavyweight champion of the world, told Black Belt Magazine about it in 1979, and then they made bloodsport about his life, leaving out all of the sex and spy stuff. But this book, The Secret Man, written several years after Bloodsport, sets the record straight. When we left him, he was on a fact-finding mission to see if any of his old crime buddies knew anything about an above-top secret experimental bio weapon, which may or may not exist, named after a thing from a James Bond novel, which is a coincidence that happens a lot in his life.

So then he kept getting distracted by seeing people he didn't know, which reminded him of awesome other people he did know but are also dead so you can't check on them. And that is where we are. David, legitimately, the last two episodes of our podcast have just been Frank Duke's listing guys. Yep. Just people. He's seeing a guy and it reminds him of another guy. And the guy that he was reminded of reminds him of a different guy. And he's just gone down the inception roll call of awesome guys.

Like a Russian nesting doll of name dropping. Yeah. And I'm also not kidding when I said this. It's gotten so absurd that the last couple of guys he named were key. The Beautiful Cyclops, who's in love with the world's richest prostitute, and Kiki the Bird Boy, who makes tiny, tiny little cakes, little birthday cakes for pigeons. Oh, wow. He's best friends with a mute veteran. So they're all people, yeah, they're all people who can't be witnesses, basically.

They're all people. Exactly. Even Kiki the Burr Boy, they've all been cut down in the street. I think he killed Kiki, yeah. Oh, man. You can't eat pigeon birthday cake all day and expect. to have a healthy life. All right, I'll just take us in here. Later, I found out that trouble had been brewing over the past months. Things erupted at the Dusseldorf operation when Kala and Hans

unexpectedly showed up to extort protection money. Slobo, a man of few words, did not even waste time telling them to go to hell. Instead, he flashed an eye signal to his hired muscle Jorgo. He tried to send them there. They got a type, don't they? We've got a Bosco, a Vojo, a Joe and now a Georgia go. So hold on. I have a question. What is going on? What is all this?

Well, he went to a guy and he says, hey, do you know anything about this secret bio weapon that's like so much worse than anthrax? And the guy's like, I have no idea. Go to this place and look. So he went to that place and looked and he went there and the guy he knew was getting the shit kicked out of him in the bar, which reminded him of a story about him from years ago.

And that's just we're in it now. We're in Giorgo. We're in the story. We're in the flashback. We're in the story within several flashbacks. This is all taking place during a date he's on with a woman. So I have to imagine. So present day, he's at a date with a woman just staring off into the middle distance.

Yes, as he rants about insane spycraft lies of the 1980s. And he's in a bar? Uh-huh. Okay. But I think he's flashing back to a different bar. Right. Where Gordo's there? Jorgo.

He's hired muscleed. He's Slobo's hired muscle, Jorgo. And Slobo is a robot? Yeah, Slobo's a robot. He's a robot. He's a robot we taught to love. Got it. Listen, you're going to just keep saying the words

and I'm going to just picture whatever I need to picture it. Yeah, that's the way to do it. That's the way to do it. If you asked him about it, he probably wouldn't even remember that he did this. He said, hey, remember your friend, Jorgo? I don't need to go any. further into this book. Like, I can, we can talk about this for 50 minutes, but go on.

Yeah, you've got it. You got the podcast. Yep. I think one of these we got through two pages, legitimately. Yeah, we're at a breakneck pace. Okay. So Jorgo tried to send him there via hail storm a bowl, send to the hell. Kala was seriously wounded in the stomach.

And Hans lost both legs, if not for his brother-in-law. Right there, right there on the dance floor. I was going to say right now? Right there on the dance floor. They kept dancing without him for a little while. It was amazing. If not for his brother-in-law, who arranged for a private jet to take him to a specialist, Hans would have surely died.

On the evening I arrived back in town, Kala, and an associate had appeared in Club Sabra, bragging and demanding vengeance. Obviously, they hadn't expected Slobo and Brain to appear. The associate had fled, and now Slobo and Brain. were reiterating their point to the stubborn and stupid kala. A slobo in the brain. I love slobo in the brain. What a great combo.

That is just like a Turkish knockoff of R2D2 and C3PO. Yeah. I was thinking radio DJs, but yeah. Yeah, could be too. Could be just really obnit. And somehow brains the stupid one. Yeah, oh, of course he is. Obviously, yeah.

Slowbo in the brain. There's a, my favorite DJ name is, I don't think he's even working anymore. I think he retired, but here in Portland, it was, Jimmy Changa. That's awesome. I hate it. I fucking rules. I love that.

I hate that I sort of like it. Yeah. Yeah, he has to win you over. Yep. Slobo, followed by his brother, headed toward the door, leaving Kala, half conscious and groaning on the floor. The excitement of the fight over. Other activity in Sabra resumed.

Slobo barely batted an eyelid when he saw me standing beside the door, nor did Brain, for that matter. However, a familiar face greeted me warmly. It was Marco. Oh, my God. Marco, which one's Marco? I'm not, I, I know we've met Marco, but I don't know. Yeah, I'm sure, because it ends with an O.

Are we sure he's not spelling Brian wrong? It's B-R-A-N-E. Oh, God. It could be Braine. Oh, no, it's brain. You're right. Brain is brain. It's like smart Bane.

Yeah. Exactly like Bain, but like a little bit smarter. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Little glasses. See, I would have said really dumb Bain. Like Bain got hit in the head of the shovel. But that's radio DJ rules. You're right.

Okay, so now Marco's there. And he says, Franco, if I had known you were here, I would have had you take care of this problem for me. You could have saved me from... Oh, you're the toughest guy I've ever seen. Thank God you're here. Every single person.

Is this like video game cutscene rules where people are going to come to him with like tasks, missions? Kind of. Sometimes they just come to him and then that keeps happening. His, his storytelling technique is to basically go to a location and the very first guy he sees like advances the plot.

So like, he like went to a bar and like the guy he wanted with the gun he wanted from the pawn shop he went to, comes in and sees him and just runs away. And he's like, oh, that guy must be the guy. First thing. It's because he's been so brain poisoned by movies, that movie, and he's like, okay, we got to just cut all the filler out of real life. Like, I got there right away.

I found it. Yeah. But it is, yeah, it's video game cutscene. You're going to really like this. I would have had you take care of this problem for me. You could have saved me from swollen feet. Huh. Kick that guy's ass so hard.

I was like he walked a while or something. But yeah, that makes more sense. And also, Frank is so tough. His feet don't swell up when he kicks a man. Does he think it works like hand rules? I've never heard of someone kicking someone and their feet swelled. Yeah, it generally doesn't happen. Unless like you kick a guy, I mean, he might have been kicking that guy for like an hour.

Yeah, I'm not, I'm not a kicker, you know, like I don't know what the kicking industry is like. Maybe this is a common problem. We have a resident kicker on this. It is no exaggeration to say I have kicked over 100,000 times in my life. I have never had swollen feet from it. Okay. So he does. He thinks it's like when an amateur,

hit somebody and they're like, oh, my hand. That must happen with a foot, right? And I even kick more with my foot than most Muay Thai people because it's noisier on the bag and that's really what I'm going for. So anyway, I'm just saying like, worst case scenario is my feet and I've never seen him swell up. That's a fact check. That's a foot fact check for Frank. Are we certain that he doesn't have gout? Is he not like a gout ridden kickboxer? Because that's a good character. It might not be related to the ass whooping at all. It really seems like he should get checked out for this. Maybe he was stomping wine and he's like allergic to grapes. I don't know. I don't know how Frank's mind works. He blew his nose loudly. In fact, with gusto. His quieter associate,

Gusto was the toughest Serbian I ever met. One-eyed pickpocket was he? Just backspace, Frank. You don't have to correct yourself. His quieter associate stood by looking pensively sour. Okay, Frank, great writing. I hope that's not the welcome you give all your friends, I said, nodding toward Kala. Only the ones with big mouths, big plans, and little dicks. So what brings you to our city, he asked. Good tagline for a poster, though. Yeah.

He writes so many good poster taglines. Big plans, big mouths, little dicks. Little Dicks. The expendable seven. Actually, I was looking for Slobo. Of course, who else? He cast a look back at Kala, who was trying to get to his feet. Come on, Jorgo.

Let's drive. Marco said to his companion, we cruised the town and there's silver Mercedes. Jorgo drove and I had the backseat all to myself. So. What is it, Ted? I got the whole back seat. I got to pick the toppings on my half of the pizza. And that means Jorgo and Marco got to sit together like always.

Best friends. They must have been. And roommates. I need some information. What else would I come to? Marco shook Jorgo's broad shoulder. What do you think about that? All the way to Dusseldorf to see us.

See, Jorgo, somebody loves us. Oh, they're so lonely. Yeah. That fact was evidently spectacular enough to elicit a grunt from Jorgo. Sure, when he wants something, Marco, I protested. Jorgos passive aggressive, like, you never come to just spend time. You never have just come to hang out. It's just reliving the years before his parents divorced.

Did you come to any of Jorgo's pool parties? You miss Jorgo's graduation from pottery class. Marco, I protested, I love you for your sterling character. Marco didn't bother to answer. This time, Jorgo was more than willing to answer for him. None of that sterling stuff. Gold. Or maybe platinum.

So what information? Jesus Christ. So this is something he's claiming, happened in the real world. And it means, and he has the dialogue down. Like, was he recording? Was he, like, writing it down as they hung out? Or is this just from his amazing memory?

His incredible spy memory has to, you have to take in every detail in the field. It's the difference between life and death. He's like a computer. Like, he's just, he's like a karate computer with a human penis. Yes. Right. Of normal size. Has he talked about his piece?

penis a lot so far? He's made love to some women. He talks about his sexual stamina sometimes, but never the girth of his, what has to be gigantic hog. He talks about fucking like, well, like a James Bond movie. Like any, any, it's the, it's the scene from any action movie where it's just Vaseline lens. See, this is his problem, right? Is like he should add one, like he should be, he should write himself as being terrible at sex so that you're like, well, I guess this is all true. Gotta be true, yeah. Yeah, why would he add that? Otherwise, it'd be self-liable.

Yeah. Yeah. But no, he's very trained in sex. So much so that he had like a second sex teacher, I think, because he fell in love with his first one. Is that what happened? Classic sex teacher stuff. Yeah. Yeah.

They brought in like the ringer. Like a substitute or like a like a like a like he passed, he passed. He graduated the first sex class. Yeah. They brought in like a gimilfee like fem dom kind of. Right. Something on the market. Something out of slur stocks.

Some weapons stolen from a bio-weapons laboratory, such as, he asked, anthrax? He gave me an incredulous look, then burst out laughing. Anthrax, you've got to be kidding. Who the hell's going to buy anthrax? Come on, Franco, you're smarter than that. You know as well as I do. The idea is to make money. Nobody's going to make money off anthrax.

Not big money, anyhow. Not the kind that would make any big effort worthwhile. Not big money. You can make a little of anthrax. Yeah, we call it anthrax money. It's just like not that much. It's the grind. Where did this take place?

This would have been, oh, God, he's a little sketchy on details because I think he was in Vietnam when he was 13. So this, I think, would be in the early 80s. Okay, yeah, because I was going to say anthrax has a big resurgence, you know, in the 2000s. But yeah, now it's like, who needs anthrax? Yeah, come on. But I guess in the 80s, it was also, like, passe. There would been cooler diseases. Yeah, like Brett Michael.

was just giving people crazy exotic shit. Yeah, you make like five cents on the dollar with anthrax. It's not really worth turning around. Yeah. So if it's not anthrax, what is it then? Bio weapon? I don't think so. At least that's not the word.

What then? I don't know. Rumors? Something nobody's seen. Leastways nobody I know. Not even us. Sorry, Franco. That's the story.

I'll see if I can get anything out of Slobo or brain. Of course, Jorgo and me will want a finder's fee. He grinned broadly. Okay, so to recap, he went all the way here to Dusseldorf. He found two guys beating the shit out of a guy he knew. And he's like, hey, you know anything about anthrax? They're like, what? No.

What about bioweapons? Nope. Also no. But I would like some money later when you find the bioweapon. Well, we're going to introduce you to a new set of guys. That's all this is is just an endless set of cool guys that Frank can be. These guys don't even seem like they would know about a bioweapon on their best day. Like, I don't, I don't sure they ever knew about a bioweapon.

Frank Dukes made up a story about him calling two random guys. Has anybody asked like the CIA? about these guys. I think the FBI disavowed him or said that he was never in the FBI, but that's exactly what they would have said. Yeah, it's true. He does list, like,

the actual people in charge of the CIA, their actual characters in this book. I think, in fact, he held one of their dicks in the bathroom. Oh, yeah, that sounds right. Correctly, which I'm sure I am. Yeah, it really, I really want to know what kind of denial

if it was like, we deny all connection to Frank Dukes, or if it's them going, like, if the quote is them, an FBI guy going like, what? No. What the fuck?

Who? No. I think that was closer, yeah. Yeah. Did you say bloodsport? I mean, yeah, I know bloodsport. Yeah, it's great movie. And Frank clips that to be like, yes, I know bloodsport.

Yeah. That's me. I'm bloodsport. Friends were friends and business was business, but Marco would be worth it. I knew Slobo and Brain, and one could never be sure they were telling you the whole story. Staying alive in the mafia meant knowing how much or what part of the truth to divulge at any given time. I did know that Marco had a better chance of getting the information out of them. We made the rounds and had some.

drinks. I needed cheering up. Oh, he's sad. Weren't they just at a bar, though? Mm-hmm. You had to go to a different bar. They just bar hop in the, okay, got it. Because he's sad. Gotta cheer up your sad friend.

George goes there like, yeah. You only come when you want something. Frank's like, I want love. He was sent to investigate this top secret bioweapon and the first duty asked didn't know about it. So like he's pretty bummed. He's pretty bummed. That was it, to be fair, that has been the only plan he's,

used and it has worked 100% of the time up until right now. So, like, yeah, I can see how that would be depressing. Yeah, it's a bummer. I had been hoping to learn more and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't disappointed, just as much perhaps. I was avoiding going back to my dingy hole of a hotel room.

Besides, Marco could be fun and as the night wore on, even Jorgo began to lighten up. They dropped me off at the train station just as the sky was beginning to turn to its usual daytime color of dirty gray. Be careful of provoking collar too much I advised them after I said goodbye.

Who knew if I'd see them again? Hold on. Can you provoke Colum more than beating the holy shit out of him in the middle of a bar? He's dying. That's all a good fun. That's all a good fun, but you provoke him too much. He'll get serious. Did he say dirty gray sky?

Yeah. It's cloudy. Where are they? Jeremy. Yeah. Jeremy. Got it. He gets real flowery sometimes.

times. He's he like, he'll just be like the, I don't know, the rusty ruins jutted from the ground. You know, he, you know what I'm talking about. Yeah. Who know if I'd see them again? They stood more than a good chance of ending up murdered or in prison. So that'll be, that'll work out for Frank. Yeah, more than a good chance. You're right. Like 80%? I can believe in prison. Yeah. Murdered by little motorcycle boys. Those motorcycle boys just taking them out. Yeah, that happened. That worm, Marco roared. Warms can kill. I started up the steps. Franco, Franco, he called after me, I turned yes. Cousin, Alexander Cousin, KGB, thanks.

For what? I never asked, right? I said, and I never answered. Marco replied without cracking a smile. I don't think worms can kill is making the poster, unless it's for the movie worms. Yes. Can worms kill? I guess like a tape worm.

Eventually. That's a shot. Like a any worm or something? Yeah. Kala will drain your nutrition over such a long amount of time that you'll get rickets. That's Kala's style. He's specialized in that. Tape for him style.

As for Marco, I saw him years later when Voyo brought him by the set of Jean-Claude Van Damme's Lionheart. Not long afterward. He died in a shootout with the LAPD at an L.A. restaurant, not more than 10 minutes from my house, but not before he killed the officer who shot him. So we can check that one. For doing what? I imagine. For doing what? What was he doing that he got?

Listen, I'm not taking the L-A-P-D side. But in this case, I'm like, what did he do? Marco, M-A-R-C-O. Oh, just Marco. Marco, L-A-P-D. I think the L-A-P-D shot everyone who left the set of Lionheart. Like, that's a, that's a famous Hollywood story. How often does this happen?

How often does he bring up Sean Claude Van Damme movie? About every 15 pages? Okay. He did the fight choreography for Lionheart. Yeah. He did the story by for the quest, and he, of course, was the prince and the prince and star of what's work. I can, he, story by, it seems exactly where he belongs, meaning that, like, he's not a screenwriter. He's certainly, like, we're seeing from this, like, you know, he can write okay, but he could probably scribble something down that someone would then take and go, like, all right, I can make, like, a middle of the road 80s action film out of this story, you know?

Warms can kill. There's something there, Frankie. Yeah. Yeah. That's how we got tremors. Yeah. Oh my God, we owe tremors to him too. Ah, we owe so much.

He really is a hero. You won't believe this. I couldn't find anything for that. Oh, there's nothing about the famous like LAPD officer got shot by Marco. No, probably. Yeah, of course. Just like the LOP. Actually, it is.

So are we done with Marco? He's just like, he's gone and then years later he's shot. That's out. That's the only way he knows how to finish like a character. There's never like exit pursued by a bear. It's always just exit pursued by two boys on motorcycles with Uzi's. Okay. But is it a lot of like I meet this guy and then we talk he leaves and years later he will die. Yes, that's almost him. He's a real forest gump.

Yeah, he's, yeah, it's exactly what he's doing. He's forest gumping through James Bond novels. He's action gumping. Action gumping. From what I've heard, Slowbo and Brain own and run two successful hotel casinos in Belgrade. Oh, I'm happy they got a nice one. Yeah. From what I know, those two, the war wouldn't even slow them down. In fact, they seem to thrive on war zones. and casinos. Wait, and a nice hotel? Owning a nice hotel. All right.

Yeah, a hotel casino. That's a war zone. But they don't own the hotel. Is that how that works? They own and run. The hotel and casino. I do love this for that. Sure.

Like, I'm glad to hear. I'm glad they made it. I worry about Kala. I hope Kala stayed friends of them because I know he's probably mad at from the ass weapon. I hope he's attached to one of their intestines right now. Yeah. I hit it back to my heart.

Moscow, not sure of what I had. I wasn't even sure how much of that I'd divulged to Pope. Of one thing I was convinced, however, the anthrax story was a fake. We were after something else, and the Soviets weren't giving me the real story. I didn't want to waste any more time. Pope met me at the airport, and by the time we got to our barracks, I was chomping at the bit to confront him. He didn't spell that right. I bet if you told him that he would like, he would reach over and like pull a map and it would retreat into the ceiling and behind it there would be an entire board that explains why that wasn't spelled right. Actually, if you go back to the dictionary, they changed it here because they knew that I'd

used the alternate form, which was valid at the time. Like, just strings upon strings upon strings. My buddy Porge changed it in the dictionary. He's dead. You can't ask. God damn. It's prime. I want the truth or else you don't get any of my cooperation.

I told him. Your boss would not like your refusal to cooperate, Pope countered. My boss doesn't like being lied to. He was really beginning to piss me off. Look, how the hell can I do my job? I'm fed a bunch of lies. You know damn well, I can't be effective. Maybe you want my hands tied.

Well, go ahead, but you're insulting me. Tie me up. Go ahead. I don't provide information to people who insult me. I usually kick their asses. I was getting more and more. Steemed. Such a

12-year-old threats. I usually kick their butts. He's the world heavyweight champion of karate. That's, I mean, that's a, it's a serious threat. Is he? Yeah, he's already won the Kumae by this point. Yeah, not according to any, like, recognized organization or, uh, in any sort of way that it's been recorded.

What are you talking about? He has the world record for fastest kick with knockout. As reported by the movie Bloodsport. You're right. Yeah. You know, it's the funniest thing that could happen is the KGB came out and confirmed everything. If like they, like, just for fun, you know, just to be like, yes, absolutely. Everything he's saying is true.

I mean, all they want to do is fuck with American politics. So, like, that'd be a great way to do. Yeah. Yeah, they train each other on sex brushes. That's all true. Yeah. Like, less than day one. I was getting more and more steamed.

Why haven't bothered going through all of this rigama role with my commission and documents and training if you're not going to give me even a scrap of truth. God, he got so pissed off he used the R word. They called me Frankie Riggerald. Pope looked as if he were truly torn. Of course, the plan all along could have just been to see how far I'd go before making demands. Okay, Frank. Why is that the plane all along? I don't know. They got to sign this specialist, this karate specialist to help with chemical weapons. And then their plan was, don't tell this guy anything until he really wants to know it.

Because he's got to work for it. It's like a job interview. Right. Yeah. All right. I knew you would not settle for the anthrax story, even with nearly a hundred bodies. So he was right.

Yeah. So the most I can give him is that this is a true story being told of a bunch of other dudes fucking with him. Like, Because it's like, all right, all right, I'll tell you. It seems like they're just like, they're trying to figure out what lie will stick. Like that, again, best case scenario is just a group of guys just like telling them bullshit for their own. Slow bow and brain are just like whispering as he walks in like, I'm a, he's going to put the shit in his memoirs.

Watch this. Yeah. He's like, I know the anthrax story is fake. Oh, no, Frank, you caught us. You're right. Yeah. Oh, Jesus. You're right.

It's not anthrax. It's, uh, super. anthrax. He gave me a piercing look that at the same time possessed a quality of pleading. I got the idea he was really putting himself on the line. The explosion and anthrax outbreak were real. Just asked the families of the victims. However, we have reason to believe that the explosion was purposely caused in order to mask the theft of something else. Something not supposed to be there. That was something totally new, he scowled in frustration. I wish I knew, believe me. I don't know a whole lot more than you do, and I can't seem to get

satisfactory answers from any source. The exact plot of like one third of James Bond movies. The terrorist attack. There's so many movies, right, where you blow up the building to hide the true thing, the true crime. Word for word, golden eye, even with the

Soviets. Yeah. That's like, that's why like every time I shoplift, you know, you got you got to blow it up. You just got it. When did this work come out? This was 1990. I think it was six. I always forget if it's three or six.

Six. I want you to know, by the way, that this whole time, I've just been staring at pictures of him. Golden I released in 1995. Oh, that's fucking beautiful. And the novel probably came out like in the 60s, right? He's like a big fan of the books, so he might have had this in his head.

I have no idea if that would be the same plot and they used the same plot line. That's true, yeah. It's like, he saw it in the theater and was like, that's going in. Yeah. Yep. I guarantee before this is over, there's a woman who will kill him with their thighs.

Well, do you think, okay, this is an important question. I'm sure you've asked. Do you think he sees something like in Golden Eye and he goes, that's going in my lie? Or do you think his brain, like some part of his brain just kind of takes it and like tucks it away? And then he goes, that happened to me. Like he walks out of it and he forgets the movie and goes like, and he just makes the new memory. And he's like, that's the thing that happened to me. It might be a cop out to say a little of both.

but I do feel like he has to be able to sincerely, he's Costanza ain't it. He's sincerely believing these lies while still kind of knowing their lies, obviously. Yeah. I think he started off like consciously being like, I need to tell this lie and that needs to slot into this lie. But like when you do it for like 30 years, every day, every word out of your mouth,

like there's no way you have any grip on reality. Like he 100% believes all of these right now. I think he, when he was six, I think he saw a man get kicked to death. And he didn't know how to process that. And it just sort of spun out from there. Like, I think that if you sat him down from a therapist, it would be like a real bramble to unweave, you know? Like, you just couldn't get to the root of it. That therapist would kill themselves within a week.

Yeah. There is no therapist who was up to this job. No. They would crash themselves against the rocks of his insanity. Yeah. Yeah, they'd hardly quinn it. Yeah. This guy's like, I don't know what the fuck.

I don't even know why I'm telling you this. Nobody can verify anything. And then Frank says, the missing technician does not exist. All personnel are accounted for. However, there is one unidentified body. We do not know who he is. Direct involvement? Possibly.

He paused, looking almost sheepishly angry. You see, wait, hold on. That's a thing? Sheepishly angry? Sheepishly angry? Sheepishly angry. Like a sheep. Like a sheep would be angry.

I'm angry, but I don't want you to really know about it. It's mine. It's my little thing to have. He was clearly debating. Whether telling me more would put him in jeopardy. He decided to take a chance, one on which his life might depend. Your CIA has members who sometimes, how shall I put it? Sometimes take advantage of their position and power, true?

I nodded. Thinking of the shadowy figure possibly involved in the series. He's coming on to you. Yes. You're like, this is one of those things where he's like just now writing it down. He's like, oh, God damn it, he was coming on to me. Oh, fuck. You gentlemen sometimes coerce others into how you say sex.

Okay, so he's now thinking of fish, thinking of the shadowy figure possibly involved in the series of mysterious murders at home, the outdated KGB dart, and Casey's suspicions. Hell, I knew the agency had ties with drugs in Southeast Asia, Central America, dot, dot, dot, his thoughts, his narrator thoughts are now being interrupted. Members of the KGB might be involved in this incident. Pope searched my eyes for some reaction. Searching your eyes deeply now?

Come on, Frank. If one of these guys was a wizard and this was a book, they'd be fucking right now. This is like a fantasy book. Like, yeah. Yeah, they'd be fun. This is fraught. Absolutely fraught.

He should have more magic in these, right? Like, why not? He has magic. He has the death touch. Yeah, he has the death touch. the death touch, but it kind of only works on bricks. He's never used to it on a person. Yeah.

Okay. That's just basic brick science. Even I do not know exactly what disappeared from compound 19. I have received a number of conflicting reports, but everything ties together at one point. Collusion between powerful forces and the KGB and members of the organized Zetsia are organized criminals. You think the engineered the explosion is a diversion? God damn it.

Okay. Yeah. I said that, remember? We've been talking about this. Right. Yeah, like in golden eye? Oh, yeah. Right. I mean, we have shorthand for this now. Yeah, they're doing a golden eye. Yes, at least it looks that way. His face drew together in seriousness, as if weighed down with the enormity of what he was about to tell me. You do not know our mafia. They make the KGB look benign by contrast. In the West, you worry about Soviet aggression. But I can tell you that our threat is nothing compared to what will happen if these criminals are loosed upon the world. The only thing containing them is the Cold War.

Yep. The iron grip of Soviet oppression. And we shouldn't have been rooting against the wall. That's the Berlin Wall. That was like the wall in Game of Thrones, just holding in the Russian mafia. Yeah. And then it all, yeah, you saw what happened afterwards. It was chaos.

I mean, it's true. Yeah. He allowed himself a faint smile. Do not make the mistake of thinking that I am being overdramatic. There are many people here who do not care about order. They thrive in chaos. I'm not just talking about the criminal class. Many of the people are systematically using the government and plundering the country for their own benefit.

They want to destroy the Soviet Union because as corrupt as this country is, it still prevents them from exercising complete control and freedom to roam. Members of the KGB have been smuggling high-tech weapons both ways for years. They want to destroy the country. Then they can devour the carcass-like vultures. And he's talking like this. Somewhere along the way, that was no longer a quote. No, no. You can assume that the rest of the book is this man's saying.

You're right. He's still talking. Until he closes that out. That's why I'm saying the last chapter just has to start with like an end quote mark. Yeah. Do you think they're ever going to get back to like the date or any of that? Oh God, I would love that. Full confidence. The last chapter is going to be like.

And then she said, what the fuck are you talking about? I walked out of my life forever. Because this part of the story does suck. Like I feel like he lost her here. She's like, dude, you're talking about fucking Soviet gangsters and fucking government corruption? We're definitely in like, yeah, we're in like the beginning of like act two where it's like we just have to

lay down some rule like some stuff that's going on here. So he can go kick some guys later. I still think this kicks ass. I think it's too much exposition for a discussion about like such a plot heavy discussion, right? Like this explosion was fake to cover up this and they're like, oh yeah, but also here's some other unrelated stuff. What's amazing is that he's not completely wrong.

Now, he does, he was writing this from the point of view of 1995, so it's not like he's predicting the future. He's just remembering what actually happened and then predicting it. But like, yeah, that kind of happened, like after the fall of the Soviet Union. I think, I just think this is as close as he's going to be to write. Yeah. Which is simply remembering a thing that happened and then explaining it. And then pretending he, like, knew it before it has. happened. Yeah. Right. In the West, you want the walls to come down, but you do not know what you are asking. Pray that you do not get your wish. Why? Because at the borders come down, it will be a worldwide disaster. Without walls, the barbarians are going to overrun Europe like a bunch of locusts. Webster's dictionary defines walls ads. So now they're locusts. They're not vultures anymore. This is the exact same paragraph. He just, on my weakest days as a writer, I sometimes get too attached to something and say it two times. I'm like, ah, I got to keep them both in. See, I'm

I'm imagining, like, for, I, see, what we're not hearing is like the pauses that are taken while explaining the stuff to him. For example, they say earlier, he said one of the bodies was unidentified. They didn't know who he was, which is repetitive. But I'm imagining like 30 seconds of Frank just staring at him blankly between those lines and him having to be like, they didn't know who he was, like having to clarify when he is unidentified. Of course. So I think like this man is having to repeat himself and be very clear to frame. Yeah. He's probably like practicing karate while he's talking to him.

He's like, are you paying attention? Could you put the nunchucks down? He's just like, throwing punches at his face to see if he flitches. Come on. You have the warrior spirit. All right. One more time. Communism is like a wall and the gangsters are like ice zombies.

You need to use like, it's like a block of concrete. And like you have to kick it or you have to like, like you got to give him karate metaphors. But in this case, you don't want to break the brick. I see I've lost you again. Yeah. You know what locusts are? Okay, let me. A kind of mad cricket. It's like a worm. And to know a worm is to know the moon. I nodded. I understand it's big business. The biggest in the world, arms first, then drugs. And a lot of the situation is the West's fault Pope chided. You'll take it. take anybody who says he's a political refugee. You do not know the difference between a refugee

and a mafia thug. I had to admit that he was right. Marat Balagula came to mind. After making a fortune of the Soviet Union during the Breschev years, he had immigrated to the United States, obtaining a visa on the pretext that he was a Jew from Odessa who had suffered persecution. Balagula was a Jew, but in Russia and later in the United States, he had dealt out the persecution, rather than receiving it. Balagula had settled in with M.C. Agron, the Orgas, the Augusta's J. Abra. Okay, what are we right now? More guys. In a flat, we folded into another flashback is what I'm meeting some guys who knew some guys. Son of a bitch. Would have been dubbed the Little Odessa by the sea, the Brighton Beach area of

Brooklyn, New York. Balagula, who held a graduate degree in economics. That's son of a bit. Here's the thing when you've made up all your people Is that you have to explain who that you can't just there's no reference You can't be like it's just like that guy and the reader's like yeah like that guy It's like no you have to also explain who that guy is because it's all your little Imaginary friends in this story He began by majoring in architecture but found the math too difficult

Is Balagula Yes Balagula he held a graduate degree in economics had even masterminded a bootleg gasoline scam stretching from New York to Los Angeles that netted billions. Billions. In the 70s, 80s? This had to be like during the gas crisis, right? So 70s, billions in 70s money is like more money than there was in the United States. There is a mobster, a Russian-American mobster named Balagula.

Uh-huh. Did he make a billion dollars off a gasoline scam? It's Wikispedia here. I'm going to, I'm going to get in here. It's so cool if he's just like summoning new guys. Yeah, Marat Marat Balagula. Yep. He had a gas scam.

So this is legit. This is all true. The whole book is true. The whole book is true. Well, he didn't know this guy. This is just, this is just him like thinking back on this guy and how he's a good example of this thing that. Yeah.

No, I just, I apologize. That's great. Take it back. He's explained this guy because he knew that we were too dumb to know fucking history and that I needed to know. know who Balagula was. I didn't know who he was. And he's not involved in this story, I don't think.

I think he chose him because he likes names like that. I think that, you know, I bet he knows Jorgo and Porco. Meanwhile, the Russian gangs had begun to move out across the states, involving themselves in every sort of criminal activity and becoming known for their propensity for violence. Many had spent time in Soviet prison camps and already possessed networks. They cut productive deals with the Italians. For these hardened criminals, the United States offered a naive. new playground. So he saw

he read the one news story about like a Russian kind. It's like ah, it's just, I can spin a chapter off of that. Yeah, America wasn't ready for this guy because he knew crime. I'm still on Bolligula's Wikipedia. Yeah. Would you guess that he looks exactly like a man

who was charged for bootlegging gasoline? Yeah, he looks like he started sucking the gas out of each car. Yeah. He looks like Frank from it's always sunny. I have also found the total that he did steal. It was $150 million. That's amazing.

Okay. So netted billions is pretty different from $150 million total. They were pocketing the $30 to $40 million. Yeah. His Wikipedia has an enemy section, and we can all only hope to have such a thing. Frank Duke's in there.

I want to get Frank Duke's in there. They say to judge a man by his enemies. Does he have good enemies? Ah, geez. I don't know. This is long, man. They pissed a lot of people off. Some mafia and stuff

It's boring He was running a $750,000 Credit card scam When they took him down This guy, I say seems more interesting I gotta close I'm gonna close this I gotta close this All right, okay

So they talk some more about this Corruption You're not gonna believe this They rephrase this all again Pope gave me a don't act like an idiot look You know better than that It does not matter whether they are in or out of prison. They can run their business just as well from Siberia, he answered.

They are the ultimate thieves. Of course, the communist nomenclatured party officials did pretty well themselves in all the areas in which the mafia excelled. However, I wasn't going to tell Pope that. Everything Pope told me corresponded to what I already knew and what I had heard. Isn't that crazy? Isn't that crazy? Isn't that crazy? He didn't tell me anything that I didn't already know. because he's not smarter than me, so he can't know things that I don't know.

The Russian mafia was best at scams and swindles and possessed an unmatched audacity, but it was also brutal and without pity. It had begun to create ties with the triads and the yakuza. In addition to the Sicilian mafia, ironically, the Russians, like their counterparts throughout the world, were the most savage with one another and their own kind. Both those things. Pope was worked up to the point that I could see his true desperation, the enormity of what we were up against frightened him. But the nature of his position meant that he could not reveal those fears.

He had good reason to fear, though, that his nation teetered on the brink of collapse and a multitude of powerful forces labor to make sure it went over the edge. I swear to God, they just go on and on like this for two more pages. I think we're going to just call it a chapter. At least read me in the end of it. It's like reading a bedtime story for your kid and you like skip every few pages because you want to get through it. This fucking sucks. Jesus Christ. Okay, he asks about Alexander Kuzin. Does that name mean anything to you? I asked.

Finally. That was the name that Jorgo gave him, I think. Yeah. Pope was shocked, whether because of the name or because I had managed to elicit the information. I don't know. I was afraid of that, he said, when he recovered. Kuzin is a KGB colonel. He is very powerful and very friendly with the organauts.

I believe he runs a clandestine arms. I don't think I'm saying that right. I believe he runs a clandestine arms network along with who knows what else? Everything appears in the black market here. But he also has connections all over, Italy, Yugoslavia, Vienna. I could tell that my information truly worried him. Perhaps he had gotten more out of me than he had anticipated, perhaps more than he wanted to know. Pope gave me an apologetic smile. We will see what we can do. It might be too late for my country, but perhaps we can keep the world around for a little longer. It's too late for my country, but I want

to help you save America. Oh, incredible. Hey, listen, we're, we're right there. We're right there with him now. We're like, save yourselves. Yep. Okay. So now we are in the Middle East. What was that word you were trying to say? Organizatia. I'm on the Wikipedia page for it now. You'll never believe this. You pronounced it right the first time. Thank you. My report to Casey brought him up to date and caused him to scowl. Well, then this is, this is the real guy. This was the real director of the FBI. Wait, we're in, we're in the Middle East. Yeah. We're pulling out of like one maybe nested flag. Back? Yeah, I think he's probably in America, like West Virginia or wherever, to report back to the CIA.

But yeah, he's talking to Casey. The chapter title is Middle East. So I guess that's where they're sending him next. Mission accomplished over there in fucking Dusseldorf. He found out the name of a KGB colonel and then said to another guy, hey, you know this guy? He's like, yeah, he's a very famous KGB colonel. I work for the KGB. And then that's it. Yep. He's like, well, somebody said his name who didn't know anything about shit. And for that information, we had to just go down an absolute reel of like 200 Eastern European guys and how they died. Yes. Yep. Incredible. Incredible work.

Right. It feels like it could have been a sentence or two, right? That whole ordeal. Yeah, if you weren't an artist. Yeah. If you were just, you're a fucking bureaucrat. I can't get over it. He said that the guy was surprised either because he was surprised that he got the information or,

because he recognized the name, but he wouldn't be, he'd have to recognize the name to be surprised that he got the information. So he's surprised both ways. It can't, it's not either or. Right.

It doesn't matter. It really doesn't matter. And it's entirely likely that that's just a guy Frank met while he was here at like KGB headquarters, like entrenched with them at a high level thing. Like he might have just met that guy. Like, oh yeah, yeah, Alexander. Yeah, he, you met him yesterday, dude.

He registered both kinds of surprise. I shall now list them. It's my supervisor's supervisor. When Casey scowled, he looked even less attractive than he normally did. And when he looked that way, nobody was safe. What? Not a hunk. Nobody's safe when this guy's even less hunky.

Yeah. When he's real ugly. Does he rate their hunkiness? Well, he said he's less attractive than he normally did. I mean, does he do this a lot? Does he rank the hunkiness of? With Casey, yes. He seems to think that he's disgusting because he's old at this point.

Got it. And like, it's so disgusting that he would just like, flies into like an internal rage. And just like seeing how old he is. Like, I can fucking bash him to pieces. How dare he? How dare he age in front of me? But his internal toughness is too much. He's always talking about this guy's like swagger and how he has some unknowable alphanus.

He was kind of an ugly old guy. Mm-hmm. A little bit looking at him. Sure. He was just fine in his younger days. But I think that's a good place to stop with Bill Casey. being unattractive and nobody is safe. And his great power increasing with his ugliness.

Yeah. I love that. I love that for a character. And maybe we'll pick up again next week. Or maybe that chapter was such a bummer that we'll move on to something. No, we're not going to ever move on. We got to finish the book. Five.

Get bunch. Fuck. Yeah. Secret man. Karate fuck. Oh, shit. Welcome World Warriors to the second annual hot dog Kumete Supreme Division. You are all here because you are the best fighters your country, school, or local strip mall can produce.

Let's get this roll call started. Adrian H. It's like you're fighting frog style. I don't know that one. A lot of jumps, I presume. Alex Nolenberg. Un-Andi. Armando Nava, you're fighting crane style. That's a classic, notorious warriors, the cranes. Brandon Garlock, Rockway famously loves the meatmilly.

Christopher Worthing. See you're fighting crab style. Nice. Dan B. Dusty's red title. Elevator. Fate elevator of the name. Can you define for me what magical morality elevator style is?

Uh-huh. Uh-huh. That's fucked up. God have mercy on your opponents. Elizabeth Shoke. Eric Christian Bird says here you're also fighting crab style. Don't worry. No rule against pinch it.

Jello, Greg Cunningham, Alpha Scientist, Javo, uh, you appear to be some sort of shaved beast entered as a joke? Uh, looking around here, actually, let's do this all at once. Please roar or shriek if you're actually a shaved beast entered as a joke. Got it. Toasty God. Matt Riley, Devon, the Rogue Supreme, Timmy Leahy, Mr. Bob Gray, I'm going to need you all to step out of line. But good news, we will be holding an all naked, not. Novelty Beast Division next month. Get your shock. Grumpy Phoenix.

Harvey Pengweenie. You will be fighting using Uninvited Uncle style? Gross, man. That'd be a law against you, people. Up to, but there's not. Welcome to the Kumete. Hunk. James Boy.

Jared Mountain Man. Jeff Arraski. Are you... Are you also using crab style? No, no, it's not a problem. We just try to mix it up a little more here in the Kumete. John Dean, John McCammon, John Minkoff, all good. Joshua Graves, you...

Did you not hear me when I asked all-shaved novelty beasts to vacate the line? Oh, you're not shaved. Oh, you have alopecia, but you are a beast. Let me... no, no, you're right. Nothing in the rule book. You air-budded me. That's a fair play. Justin B. Katzat Studios.

Ken Paisley says here you'll be using gun style. Now does that mean you just brought a gun? No, no, no rule against it. I'm just, I'm honestly amazed nobody tried it before. Uh, K&M, Lisa. Leopard Queen, you're fighting leopard style. Love to see the classics again. I am curious to see how that will counter gun, though.

Amjahe Sheppel, Mark, Max Broy, Michael Lair, you'll be using, uh, insane, I don't know this one, insane vehicle style? Oh, oh, I'm sorry. Michael Lair is an insane vehicle and will be using American Fender Kenpo Karate. Gotcha. Mort. N.D.

Neil Bailey. Neil Schaefer. Again, using crab style. What's going on? Folks, is there a new dojo in town or what? Must be good. Nick Levino. Obsolete.

Says here you don't have a style and you're just going to fucking flip out when you get in there. That's a solid play. Ornery Weevil. Ozzie Olin. Patrick Herbst is gonna try negotiating. All right. Pee Wee's Uncle, practical ZFS, re-brandrew, Red Wine Time, you're using Drunken Kung Fu.

Okay, oh, what was that? One more time? I can't, I can't understand. Oh, no Kung Fu, you're just drunk. Got it. Rianid, Russell Fowman, Sam Kocknick, Sean Logan Chase uses Human Tornado Stile. Hell yeah, man, can you do the noises?

That's great. It cracks me up every time. Seed. Tater's Tales. Thomas Cavatzos, you're using clone Jutsu. I didn't know that was real. It's not. It's from a cartoon? Then what are you gonna... All right, never mind, your business. Tommy G.

Felo. Yvonne Clapham. Zach and Eva. Oh, I'm sorry, Zach and Eva. No tag teams in the Supreme Division. You're conjoined. Can I see where? Oh, excuse me.

That makes me the point. Pervert. I'm the pervert for trying to do my job. All right, all right. No, you have it your way. Super knot. Your crab style. Hold on, hold on. There's something wrong with the rest of my list. Uh, Jaber, Al Aden, Spotty reception, Dean Costello. All crabs? You are. Booster, Brian Saylor, Sarah, Crab, crab, crab, crab, crab, all the way down. All the way down. All right. Whalen Russell, Crab, Elliott Watson, Crab, Neck of 104. Crab. Crab. David Schult, what's that? Mudflat fiddler style.

Good, I was worried these were all gonna be, oh, that's a type of crab style. Okay, space jam fan, you crab, you crabbing? Okay, Victor Malavankan, no need to answer, I can see you're scuttling right now. Craig Lemoy. Also crab? Also crab.

Oh, fancy shark, that's more like it. I got you down as shark style in the fancy subdivision. Good on you, pal. What's that? No, you cannot change to crab style this late in the game. I don't care how much fun it looks like they're having. All right, all right folks, settle down, settle down. Let's get this Kumete started.

If you'll all head in through these doors, single file, and hey, hey, craps, craps, grabs, grabs, grabs, hey, stop it. Crabs, stop pulling each other back. One of you has to go first.