The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - The Secret Men: Part 2 - The Piss Meeting with Napoleon Blownapart

Episode Date: August 5, 2026

Napoleon Blownapart joins the DOGGZZONE to enter the DUXZZONE! It's more mayhem, madness, and lies on this second episode of the Secret Men. We're still workshopping titles. Is JAMFEETS better?

So, 9,000, we're the official podcast of 1,900 Hot Dog, the final website. We do amazing articles every day about broken insane things. People love it, and they're right. Support us at patreon.com slash 190 hot dog. It's the only way to pay the last comedy writers. I'm Sean maybe from the internet, and my partner is a Division G butt runner-up, honk hopeful Robert Brookway. Well, that's a nice one. That implies I still have unfulfilled promise, which I'll, at this stage, I'll take it.

Beautiful. Here's a Brockway fact. To this day, I hold the record for most economic kick with knockout at 72 miles per gallon. They measure kicks and gallons. Only real martial artists know that. That's a hybrid kick for sure. Cool people and karate masters know our guests from his hard hitting combat sports YouTube documentaries. He's Napoleon blown apart. Welcome back. Thank you, guys.

I don't know how happy I am to actually be here knowing the subject we're about to discuss. So you're a leading expert. I appear to be on other podcasts, but yeah, I mean, we'll see how this plays out. I mean, this could really go either way. Well, I think we're still pretty early in the book, so he doesn't get to too much actual like martial arts lies. It's mostly spy lies, which is like more fun. I don't know why, but they're more fun. Yeah, like I was disappointed to hear that I had missed the bulk of the sex lies because those really are just.

like stomach churning. We can talk about the sex brush if you want to talk about the sex brush. Yeah, we just passed the sex brush. It'll be good. Previously on our podcast. And then, yeah, sex brush. Previously on the secret men.

Use a sex brush on your lady. The CIA trained me how to do it. Suck jam off her foot at the bistro. Take her to the bistro. Cover her feet jam. Once again, the CIA taught me to do it using specifically your taxpayer dollars. Well, like I had a quick kind of recap of the book because, you know, I wanted to get caught up.

I didn't want to be miss out or anything. And I think what kind of stood out to me in those first 12 pages was something I missed like the first, you know, 10 times I read this book. And that was that it was it was CIA chief Bill, Bill Cosby or something, Bill Casey Cosby. Yeah. It was him who introduced Frank to the seductive arts of the undercover world of seducing people. You know what? I think it was Bill Cosby, and I think that sounded a little something like this, Sean? Mr. Dukes, you put this in the drink. Oh, we're already, already cut. That's on the podcast. Jamie already cut.

Jamie already knows to cut all the Cosby. We have a standing agreement. Speaking of Frank Dukes and you, Napoleon, because you did a great video on Frank. I love that. It's one of my favorites you've done. Your videos are, they're well researched. They're very fun. I sent one to, one of our writers, Merritt Kay, I think it was the one you did on Rhonda Rousey's floth striking. And like very quickly into the video, she emailed me. She's like, oh, shit, I need to watch all of these. Like, like, that's, she immediately clocked it as important work. I mean, you know, like making fun of Ronda Rousey's striking. That really is. Like, that's, that's, that's makes you like the man from Del Monte of low

hanging fruit. Like, I mean, there's that video of her just throwing one-toos when she's shadow boxing and it's just like Does the shadow win? Oh dude like you'd see her coming to the gym be like okay she's too dangerous to have her stand near people that is that person is out of control but she did just completely malogy to Carrano in her in their retirement comeback fight

which was funny so props gotta give her a positive I mean she beat someone who hasn't fought in 17 years I mean it's it's yeah and in exactly the way everyone would have predicted I suppose yeah the same way she won her first like nine fights. I was hoping she would, you know, showcase her newly improved striking. I mean, she's clearly been working on it. So I was disappointed. We didn't see, you know, some,

some noodle arm punches being thrown. I might have talked about this in the podcast before, about how much I like Gina Carrano, despite her, like, right-wing tendencies. Because, like, on American Gladiators, first of all, she's, like, cute and kind of knows it. So whenever the camera's on her, she kind of goes, like, oh, shucks me, little old pretty me, which I love. I think that's very charming. But when she was on American Gladiator, she was like a pro fighter. And so when they did the Pugel Sticks, like it's like some lady firefighter from Nebraska, she would just fucking wreck her, just like no chance fucking annihilate these women one after another.

And I thought it was so funny to see that mismatch every American Gladiators. Because before it was just like, here's a bunch of bodybuilders who might have played a little football. And so you had a chance if you were like a scrappy athletic person, not here. That's what you tune into those shows to see, though, is, you know, average Joe getting their shit rocked by people. I mean, that first season. That happened most of the time. I feel like most of the gladiators did not survive that first season.

Did you ever see that? We're way off topic now. Did you see the show Pros versus Joe's? Oh, I've heard of it. I've never seen it. Okay. You'd love it. It's like that.

It's professional athletes like a little past their prime, but against like douchebags. And it was made during the late 90s when like douchebag was like a full personality. So guys would come on by like, I could totally beat Clyde Drexler. basketball. And then they'd lose like 150 to zero to Clyde Drexler in basketball. But they'd let them like hang themselves with like a like a 10 minute video of them. Like, yeah, I'm the coolest basketball star in all of Dayton, Ohio. We can get back to subject at hand. I just want to see slam ball come back, man. That was the one with the trampolines. Yeah, the trampoline basketball. I mean, that's just genius. Like, I mean, I don't know how much coke was in the room when they

came up with that idea, but clearly it was more than enough. Yeah, the right amount. It sounds like. All right. We are talking about Frank Dukes today. Someday we should talk about pros versus Joe's, just for the record. This is part two of our award-winning podcast series. We did part one with novelist Jason Pargin. We made it 12 pages into the book, as we've mentioned. Jason's expertise is storytelling writing, among other things. So a lot of what we discussed was the writing abilities of Frank Dukes, which we all agreed were perfect. He's a fucks-spy, as imagined by a very stupid child. Every sentence holds new mysteries. and marvels.

We are going to finish his chapter on sex training, and then we're going to get into his recruitment, into the agency, which might be the CIA. He's a little shaky on details like that. It's here where his storytelling falls apart because... Oh, only here? Yes. I think he doesn't know how a lot of this stuff works, except what he's seen in movies. And he wrote this long, long after he'd concocted his life story for Black Belt Magazine

and Bloodsport. So what we see in the dialogue is a lot of real specific excuses for the lies that he already got caught in. Fantastic. At this point, this is what year is this? This is 90s, right? Yeah, I think 90. He must have just felt the internet approaching like the shadow of death upon him. He's like, I need to get this out before I can be debunked like immediately.

Oh my, I'm going to be in so much. They're building a, they're building a what network? An information network? Oh, fuck. Oh, no. Will they be able to look up how old I was when I became the Super Combat sex spy? 14 years old. Oh, they're going to know I'm full of shit.

Where will they be able to look that up everywhere? Oh, no. Oh, no. I specifically designed my life around this never happening. Frank is still on the date earlier with that really square girl who asked him if he'd killed anyone. Has he done the jam thing yet? Oh, yeah. He talked about the jam in, I think, one of the nested flashbacks.

But now he is. back in the present on a date with the woman who knows him from Bloodsport. He's already kind of shamed her for saying like, oh, it's kind of gauche to ask people if they've killed anybody. How rude. He says licking jam off feet. Yeah. If you were sucking jam off my feet, I'd be like, what a stand-up gal, but this.

I am desperately sorry that I missed the part where Frank describes giving a woman shuddering orgasms. Because in a book of fantastic. shit that never happened. I think that is the most fantastical shit that never happened. I think it was in the fire retardant system too. Like he'd set off the alarms so they were covered in like the grimy old like pipe water. Yeah, like I would firmly believe that Frank could defuse and nuke before I'd believe that a woman did not recoil from his touch. I think in a chapter or so he'll be doing both at the same time. Yes, absolutely. I think he does later in the book, he does disarm, I think, an anthrax bomb, but it turned out to be a setup.

I'm skipping way ahead. You're going to spoil it for people, man. So Frank says to this woman he's on a date with, perhaps sometime I'll take you to Franco's bar, I told her. Franco's Bar, where's that? She asked, removing her sunglasses to reveal her brown eyes. Milan, Corso Magenta Venti Sinkay. Next to the Hotel King, insiders know its name.

So I guess it's not called Franco's Bar. And the insiders to the hotel know its name? I mean, I thought that was obvious. He clearly said it wrong and somebody like checked the address or something. And I'm like, that's not what that is. That doesn't exist. That's precisely what happened. He's just pulling words he thinks are French out of his fucking ass at this point.

Or so Magenta, Vinty, Grande Latte. She's like, that sounds delicious. It's not delicious. It's like the Star Wars bar. Star Wars Bar for 40-year-old virgins. Which I'm not because of that, the shuddering orgasms I mentioned earlier. I've had sex. You read about it two pages ago.

Oh, professionally good sex. I decided to tell her a little story. Don't jump to conclusions if the bartender there tells you the place was nicknamed after a 22-year-old youngster named Franco who supposedly killed his first man there in a knife fight with two giants from Genova. All one sense. This is the most talkative bartender. Oh, my God. Geez, he's just blurting this stuff out to anybody.

They named a bar after him because of the murders he did there. Killed the two giants, yeah. We're going to call this. Franco's killed the two big guys bar. No, we got to shorten that. What is this? Like, did this just slip into, like, Lord of the Rings? Franco just killed some giants or something?

Yeah. He killed some trolls. I guess the least he would do is name a bar after him. Sure. I would have called it, like, the two dead giants or something. I don't know. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, if I've killed some.

Giants, that's what I'm going to lead with in like every conversation I'm in for the rest of my life. The Giants that died from orgasms, the bar. I would drink there. I would drink there every goddamn night. They got special booths for sucking jam. All right. The bartenders continuing. They pulled switchblades and threatened to slit Franco's throat if he didn't leave and never come back.

According to the bartender, Franco told them, this is my home away from home. Don't mess with me in my home. They didn't believe him. I smiled back at her. At least that's how the story goes. So the bar just didn't have a name before? Yeah, I guess that's what he's saying. Yeah, they're like, we're going to name this bar after the first guy who commits two murders.

The first guy who kills two giants. Whether giants or not, I mean, any kind of murder is acceptable. Yeah. This is a petty note, but like, just from a purely like visual storytelling perspective, switchblade is not a great weapon for a giant. It makes them look really small. It makes them look even smaller, like playful. It barely gets through their blubble.

I guess I'm assuming they're like kind of like sea lion giant. The Giants pulled the switch blades and that makes it look like Andre the giant like a normal size beer can where you're like oh, that's adorable. That's really cute. I'm lost already because I missed the fact that the Giants pulled the switch blades. The Giants pulled switch blades on it which that's no, they pulled axes, man. You're right. They pulled apart a table and threatened to beat him with it like it. It's a petty note.

Yeah. Yeah. If they picked up a pinball machine, that'd be something. There you go. That's how they do it in the beat-em-up game. Yep. So her eyes were undisturbed. Everything was a game for her entertainment. I was tired of games.

I'd been playing games all my life. And they made everything, even the fear of death. He loves Hello Kitty Island Adventure. They taught him how to play it at the NSA. Using your text dollars. The games of his life made everything. Even the fear of death seem unreal. Perhaps my father had realized this,

when he made his decision to leave the intelligence business. Maybe I too would learn this lesson before it was too late. Director of Central Intelligence, William Casey, had played games, and I had been one of his playing pieces. I resisted nerds to spill my guts. I became Bill Cosby's playing piece. I believe is where we landed. Yep. Miss up to Rook Rupy. And it only took, what, 10 minutes? Yeah, we're already doing Cosby. Jamie, you've got to cut all 50 of these Cosbyes. Don't forget any of them. Dukes to Pussy Five. move. Jesus.

I slipped that in time for the cut, right? That's in... Yeah, now you made it. That was in the cut. Yeah. No one will hear that. I resisted an urge to spill my guts to the woman who sat across from me. God knows I needed a friendly ear, not to mention a friendly bosom on which to lay my head. You hate this woman, remember? He just needs them titties. You're going to spill all your spy secrets to this woman that you openly hate.

hate at this point? Who also just thinks you're a fucking joke? Everything's a game to her. Yeah, I mean, she asked him like how many men he'd killed. That's so gauche. I mean, geez. Who does that? Who does that? Everything's a game to her. It made me want to trust her with all

of my secrets. Because she had tithies, you see. We've discovered Frank's one weakness. There's no way William Cosby could have seen this coming. They didn't train him for tities. I was trained exclusively to resist asses. However, over the years, I had trained myself not to talk about the things that were the most important.

Yeah, right. He wrote a fucking book about it. Yes, that's a good point. Despite the book you're reading, I have trained myself. Many times, Casey had told me, son, whatever happens, don't talk. When the shit goes down, that's the only way one can maintain one's dignity. He failed that one. Yep.

He's got an ulterior motive for that. This guy might be the most talker, least dignity man that's, ever lived. It's incredible. I think it's kind of what he's known for at this point. Yeah. I mean, how he lasted so long in the CIA, FBI, whatever he was in, I mean, it's kind of a mystery to me if he spills secrets this quickly. Department of Health and Human Services, that's an agency. Like, he doesn't say which one. They taught him how to finger a butt at that one. You have that clip in your Frank Duke's video where he went on that, like, daytime talk show, dressed up in a tuxedo with like, just completely owns him.

owns him with the most obvious question. She's like, if you're a spy, why are you on TV telling everyone you're a spy? And he just kind of shrugs like, oh, you got me. I'm stuck in checkmate now. And those like vapid-faced booth faves that he hired to like hang on his arms or just like, yeah, answer her. Like you got busted guy I just met today. This is the one question I didn't expect. Easiest answer in the world because that's exactly what they'd expect me to do.

You wouldn't know. you weren't in this shit with Will Cosby. That's what I've been trained for. Frank is looking at this date, and he says, how could that gorgeous face and body comprehend how difficult it was to stare someone in the eyes and kill him?

Even someone is horrifying as fish. Anyway, the day-to-day details, compiling leads, sources, even tracking someone would cause her to glaze over in boredom behind her sunglasses.

Yeah, I kind of know how she's feeling right of a pair of mouth, for my first year on the fish case, Not only did I have no clues whatsoever to his identity, but I was not even sure. Such a person existed. Casey had handed me a string of unsolved murders whose only similarities lay in their seeming randomness. The gruesome brutality inflicted upon the victims, their lack of identities, and the fact that no evidence existed as to the identity of the killer or killers.

Okay, I have to ask at this point, this whole book isn't a flashback to this date, right? Because so far it is. Oh, please let it be so. Oh, Jesus, you might be right. This might be one of 70 flashbacks. We're trapped within. This is all still just him on the date. Yeah, this is all past tense.

It's the My Dinner with Andre of Shitty Spine novels. My Dinner with Tiffany, and Tiffany is just completely checked out. Do you ever kill anybody, Frank? That's how you'd start the movie. I'm already not paying attention to the answer. You're right. If someone were to adapt this novel into a movie, you would probably said it in a dinner for Andre situation.

You with some flashbacks, but the whole movie would be framed around this date. This terrible date. I would watch the hell out of that. Yeah, that'd be really good. That would be better than Bloodsport. Just putting like all the events of the raid but interspersed with a guy trying to impress a date. He grabbed me off by the leg and swung me around like an axe.

She's just looking at the like, is there more bread? Is he coming back with bread? I wonder how much money it would take to get Frank Dukes to play himself. And then the real movie would be like the behind the scenes where he gives you notes. He's like, no, they had switchblades, not pinball machines. Like, okay, okay, let's fix the script. But Frank, the switchblades would look really small in those giant's hands. Yeah, they looked adorable.

People in the know know that the Italians call pinball machines switchblades because of the little bladed paddles. It's actually perhaps switchblade. It's an Italian term. We googled the address, Frank, and it's not called Franco Spart. No, you got to Bing it. On Bing! On Bing, they get it right. What's the connection, I asked?

Because again, he's being presented with just a bunch of random murders. He's like, we don't know who killed him. Check this out. Check out all these murders around the country. What's the connection? I asked. The killer, of course, he replied. I think it's a company man, or at least someone with agents and connections.

See what you can do. Because what do I have to go on? I stammered. Listen, son, Casey snarled. One of my hunches is worth a hell of a lot. more than a whole shit pile of evidence. I didn't know him well enough to realize that he was having some fun at my expense

and that I was supposed to know it. As far as the CIA went, I was still raw and uninitiated in the more sophisticated circles of intelligence operations, originally recruited while still in my teens. Dude, like what age? I need to know.

Who's out here recruiting 14-year-olds to be like super spies at the CIA? What was Bill Cosby smoking? Yeah, what's specifically about the teenagers did the CIA love? Like, let's... Did Frank arrive at CIA headquarters smuggled in an IKEA wardrobe?

Okay, so Frank is having to deal with like a, like a bad guy from a Mission Impossible movie, like a company man gone rogue. There's no evidence about anything. It's just a bunch of, like just to get a death rampage that may or may not be related. He has no idea what's going on. He has no idea that his boss is making fun of him.

I like that his first instinct is to whine about it. Like, what am I supposed to do with this? What the fun, boss? That's not how the mission impossible movies start with Tom Cruise going, this is impossible. You don't know his name? You don't know where he is? How am I supposed to do this?

I thought you were the best 14-year-old I could find. Next time I'm getting 17-year-olds, God damn it. Yeah, I would like to know when they taught him how to suck jam off a foot. Because it sounds like he might have been a child. Yep. He might have just been hungry. They might have said like, go eat jam off a foot. You want to eat kids off of people.

Hopefully, hopefully. He was after the age of at least 70. This is the rifle. This is your gun speech, but for feet. There are many other strawberry jams like this, but this jar is mine. Okay, he's recruited in his teens. I was seduced by the perfumed promises of glory and adventure by my sponsor, Major General Enforcement.

Okay, so this is, sorry, this just plays back into the whole being taught the art of seduction by Bill Casey. Now there's like perfumed promises and major general. The United States Air Force. See, I thought you were, I thought you were being pretty optimistic. I didn't want to say anything, but when we started this podcast, I thought you were being pretty optimistic by saying, we'll finish the sex chapter of this episode. There's just too many questions about it. No, that's the point.

That's the point of the podcast is that every goddamn line, you have to stop and be like, what the fuck did you just say? Well, yes, there's Major General Foreman, United States Air Force. This is the same rank as that Russian Major General he made up in the forward. So maybe he just thinks you can make this rank up. No. No. No. Maybe.

No one found him. And it feels like major generals leave a paper trail. He secretly oversaw selective covert operations in Europe. Later in 1981, after a two-year hiatus, I was re-recruited by the charismatic Bob Ames and DCI Bill Casey. So he's like 16 and took a two-year hiatus and got rehired. And got rehired by what is. what is definitely sounding like his groomer? They were his handlers and his only intelligence officers who knew his actual identity

and who were responsible for creating his many rolls. Like a bread roll? I mean, like, they made all of his rolls. They also taught him out of bake to go with a jam in case he couldn't find a foot to eat them off of. Does he get into his many roles? Because so far, all of the roles just seemed to be Frank Dukes. But there's like, there's sexy Frank Dukes. There's like, swathe.

Frank Dukes. Yep. They're all, they're all Frank. I want to see like, like nerdy accountant Frank Dukes. Like if he's a, if he's suddenly a master of disguise, let's see that. Let's see some of that. Can we get like at least a charismatic Frank Dukes or a fun friend or something? A picture section in his book, as you both know, because you own this book.

I'm reading it as we speak. This is actually kind of a read-along. It's like a book club for horrible martial arts fanfix. There's a picture of him. One of them he has a blonde wig and he's got like puffed like cotton balls in his cheeks. So his cheeks are all puffed out. It looks like nothing other than a man in a blonde wig like eating two big a bite.

I hope you don't have to talk in that role. There are non-speaking CIA undercover roles like you're an extra in an operation. There's one where he has a big old mustache and he does kind of look different. And then one where he has sunglasses on. And master of disguise. That's it. And the caption says, Frank, quote, the chameleon, just three of the hundreds of disguises I adopted. Courtesy of the author.

He gave himself a little photo credit. He sourced himself. Source, two thumbs, this guy. The chameleon, three in their one wig, mustache, and sunglasses. Like, that's just a guy trying to find himself, man. Yes. There's also like the passports that he has scattered around that like he already borrowed from his friends and stuff. It's like, oh, the CIA gave me these.

Yeah. And I'll look at all these pages. Would a non-spy have four different kinds of pepper spray? Checkmate. And a globe that, is that a globe in the picture? I don't know. It looks kind of like a globe that might have a gimp mask on it or something. I don't know.

I got to know where they're sending me on my globe. I picture him just looking it up like Bosnia looking for it on the globe just carefully spinning it. I don't see it. Locals call it something different. People in the inside know it's

it's actually Costa Rica. Did you mean equator? Am I going to Equator? Am I going to Rand McNally? I can find that one. I spent four missions in equator. When I was in equator they called me the boss. So we do make fun of Frank

for creating his many roles because he just basically has this one But he has already given us several nicknames. I think he's been, God, I can't like the rabbit and the dark man and the shadow brigade. I can't. Oh, can't say that one. Yes. Don't say that one.

Sweet cheeks. Yes. Woke costs us Frank, the dark man dukes. Yep. Foot sucker. I never told we'd lose that one. So the next paragraph he talks about how he knows Ollie North. He calls him Ollie.

You remember him from the Iran-Contra scandal. Yeah. They're pals. But don't ask Oliver North about. about him because he only knows Frank Dukes, the world famous inspiration for Bloodsport, he only knows him by a code name. Mm-hmm.

And what's that code name? I don't think he says. So we can't ask Oliver North about the code. Yeah, I believe it was sweet cheeks. I think it's probably that asshole. Like if you came up to Oliver North and you're like, do you remember that asshole and you point to a picture of Frank Dukes, he'd be like, fuck, that guy?

Yeah, I do. I've thrown him out of my house six times. Every single time it's a mustache. I'm like, you can't use the same one. It's not a disguise. if you just have a mustache. Yeah, he was peeking in my back window with socks on his hands. I do picture Oliver North being like really fooled by the socks on the hands.

Yeah. And has no hands. What the fuck? Had no hands. I don't trust a man with no hands. Yeah, he says, even Ollie knew me only by my code name for an order for me to perform this job most effectively, Casey cloaked my identity to the intelligence community as a whole, including North, who was National Security Council, not CIA.

So, again, somewhere along the way someone said, hey, Frank Duke's. You claimed that you knew Oliver North, but he doesn't know who you are. And he's like, oh, right, right, right, right. Like, oh, yeah, there's a great reason for that. Hold on. Hold on. It just occurred to me. Uh-oh. This might be the rest of my life.

And so it was. There had to have been a moment where he realized like, oh, no, the rest of my life is going to be covering up for this one book full of elaborate lies. That's got to feel like a midlife crisis. This book is those covers. I mean, it's a career. It has. It did turn him into it. job. Yeah, Napoleon, you might know this better than us. We had no real idea how he made his money.

I know that there's a spy shop he was affiliated with by my favorite peer in San Francisco. I went there and I bought like an autographed picture of Frank Dukes for my buddy Eddie. It was like $200. It was very expensive. God, I would think even at that point they would have a picture of you up somewhere. Do not serve this man. Yep. No, I kind of figured he made his money from kids karate classes. Yeah. It is a lucrative industry. He did have school. I did find a couple of his schools at one point. But then he blew all that money buying himself trophies, like really, really oversized, comically

oversized trophies, one might say. So he could put down that he won them in the blood sport. I don't know the logistics of it, but how much money could you possibly make at a child's karate school? Like I took child's karate. It was like $30 a month. Yeah, but you weren't going to Frank Dukes' childhood karate classes. Yeah, it's pretty good.

This is the prima karate class for kids. I used to go out with a girl and she took ninjitsu at one of his franchise school. And he visited the school and he hit on her. And I don't know how old she was when he did this. But when I was like, what do you mean? Like he kind of playfully flirted. And she's like, no. She like made it clear like it was not appropriate.

I was like, oh, okay. Why is that like the least surprising thing I've heard? Right. Yeah, nobody was shocked by that. I'm just like letting you know that he's kind of using these kids karate schools. is like, now, hold on. That wasn't Frank Dukes. That man had a mustache.

That was, that was Franciz. That was old puffy cheeks. Who lives around the corner from? Yeah, we got away with it. And I think I told this story on the big feats. But like, when I was in that spice shop, I asked the owner like, hey, or the cashier, I was like, is Frank Dukes affiliated with this spy shop in some way? And he, like, stopped and gave me the weirdest look.

And I was like, what the fuck does that look mean? And he goes, ah. And it was clear he was, like, dying to tell Frank Duke's stories. and didn't know how much trouble he was getting in and his brain just sort of shut down. And he finally decided, yes, I could tell Frank Duke stories. And he was like, yeah, the second I met him, he had these two bodyguards that were really embarrassing.

And he started asking him about, like, how Bloodsport was fake. Like, I guess everyone who talks to Frank Dukes is like, that's all bullshit, right? And these guys were on it. They're like, no, you've got to fucking leave Mr. Dukes alone. And all of his stories were kind of like that, like him trying to talk to Frank Dukes and getting bullied by these two guys. Technically, questions are a form of assault.

He doesn't want to have to kill you. That's our job. We keep his hands clean. He's known as Dr. Dirty Hands in the intelligence community. If you ask Oliver North who Dr. Dirty Hands is, he'll tell you he doesn't know. But not Oliver North from the CIA, Oliver North from the NSA, the other Oliver North. Not the one you guys know, the other guy. I know that.

Kevin Oliver North. He's talking about the cloak, the cloak of secrecy. I paid a price for this cloak, however, as a result of remaining masked. I risked double jeopardy. Again, we're back to the Lord of the Rings references. Like, he's got a cloak of invisibility. Like, come off. As a Nash,

it did sound, the way he said that, it did sound like he thought that was a physical cloak. It's in quotes. This is your CIA issue cloak of invisibility. The cloak of secrecy is even more like putting it in quotes is like, is that the name of a cloak that you have? It's a full-size body sock, Navajo White. Oh, shit, that's ingenious.

You could hide on most paint as a result of remaining masked. I risk double jeopardy. In addition to carrying out dangerous covert operations, I chanced being killed by my fellow covert ops, either by accident, mistaken identity. Yep, this happened. Other spies will shoot you. Or in conjunction with their often violent means

of shielding their extracurricular criminal endeavors. Double duty, Casey calls it. Double your pleasure. Double your fun. That's just like a little Casey joke. You know. We know Casey. Yeah, he loves to make those gum marketing puns.

about spy work. Speaking of jokes, this is maybe Frank Dukes' weakest point. Frank says to the double your pleasure, double your fun, he goes, got me a number with double zeros in front of it, I'd kid. Only on your paycheck, he'd answer in his gruff voice, the same tone he used that day in mid-1981 when he assigned me the fish case. And then we all laughed. Yes. And then we all laughed. Freeze frame. So yeah, this is bad banter. I'd love to know like how many times Frank's editor had to go through this book and remove the phrase, and then everybody clapped. Yes.

You know Frank's editor was just frank in glasses, right? I put on Frankie the editor and disappeared into the role. Oh, Frankie the other. Sorry, let me take these puffs out of my cheeks. We are definitely not going to get to it today, but there is a chapter that's just about how cool he is at a convention he went to. The convention where didn't he get the ship eaten out of him by a UFC fight?

Not according to the book. That's not, I don't think that's in the book. I wonder why. It's got to be in here somewhere. He couldn't have left out such a life-altering moment. Well, please, for the love of God, tell me it was Harold Howard. Was that his name? God, I wish it was Harold Howard.

Did he try to flash kick on him? Or the guy in the diaper, Kevin Roseir, maybe? That would be even better. Yeah, yeah. Anyway, it doesn't matter. That's how the story goes. Early in the UFC, like, Frank Dukes was like hovering around, trying to, like, be a part of the real fighting community and, like, somebody beat him up.

To contribute precisely what? What was the role that you envisioned for yourself? Spy shit. Yeah. He walks around like he's like the original MMA champion because that's what the Kumatee was. And I think that's what he was doing there is just to kind of be like, yeah, I'm going to see this new generation of me. I would have loved so much for him to try to like, God, imagine like the young pupil, the Star Wars

style apprentice that he brings into the first UFC. And we get to see in real time like how split punches work. Now you would punch the crotch. You could do that for like four or five U.S.S. You could totally punch him in the dick. Frank Dukes would have done great. He could have punched that sumo wrestler. They did.

They had a sumo wrestler. They could have started an entire just dick-punching division for him. Yep. Oh, I would have loved the Frank Duke's dick punching fighting league. It's not too late. That's true. Who said it's too late? Have you ever gone to, I'm sure you have Napoleon, gone to like Frank Dukes's

ninjitsu site and senior, like his senior students? it is like just a jump scare of comedy to jump scare of comedy. They're all such like intense looking nerds. They had a convention this year. Oh, my God. And it was a convention featuring Ishida Kim. I don't know if you've, have you seen it? Oh, my God.

I'm not sure. But it's a real thing that happened. They invited, you know, fake ninjas from all over the globe to this thing. Incredible. There was Frank. There was a Shita. It was held in like a holiday inn somewhere. I got invited to that by a guy making.

a comedy documentary. I forgot. And he was like, and he was like, yeah, and he wanted me to like fuck with Frank Dukes. And I'm like, that sounds pretty fun.

He's like, and then we'll like work it out so you fight him. I'm like, what? And he's like, yeah, yeah, we could like, I'm not going to die. I'm like, in a million.

Yeah, I'm not going to die at the deadliest hands in the world. I'm like, people have been trying to fight Frank Dukes for like fucking 40 years and you think you're just going to work that out in a weekend. I'm like, yes, I'm in.

Under any circumstances I'm in, I'm just telling you it's not going to happen. Just tell him you're an easily breakable bottle of champagne and he'll kick the shit out of you. Oh, yeah, chop right through that. I mean, first, I mean, easy, easy comedy lay, but the, the smell of that place would be very daunting. I am going to bet that like... Ointment and pee. I'm going to bet that the percentage of transition lenses would be among the highest in the world.

I just pictured all those ancient ninjas in transition lenses. And I'm like, yeah, you're exactly right. I pictured somebody just like opening the door and then all of the eyes going dark at the same time. And then all of them turning into bats. I don't know why I made them karate vampires. Okay, so we're now in chapter three. It's just called Casey. We did it.

We did it. We finished the sex chapter. Congratulations. I can't believe we made it. Yeah, we're not going to get through this. We'll try. The Century Plaza Hotel bustled with even more activity than usual. The number of CIA agents alone made the opulent,

colonated lobby seemed crowded. They were easy to spot the most and least likely suspects doing duty. The CIA secret, these amazing elite best of the best CIA agents were easy to spot. Also, it's like a convention for them. So, like, they're not, they're probably, they probably think they're off work. They're like, just trundling through the lobby with like a to-go container of Hawaiian food being like, hey, Frank. How's it going? Frank's got a little notebook where he's marking everyone down.

Just Jesus Christ, my dude. Come on. That guy looks like an agent. That guy very much doesn't look like an agent, making him the perfect agent. Like, do you always have to be such a fucking narc, Frank? I'm like, come on. Take a day off. Jesus.

I just also, it's so important to me to note this from now on, we are still in the date. We have not, we have not got as far as we know. As far as we know. Yes. We are never getting out of the date. The text of the book has not said, we have exited the flashback from the date. So until he does that, this is like a, this is. like an open parentheses. We are open

parentheses on this date. The date is eternal. This is all, this is a narrative device to like perfectly simulate in the reader what that woman felt like on that date. The confusion and impatience. It's really good. He has one of my favorite dumb guy things, which is that he thinks he has

keen observation skills because he's just imagining shit. Like, he's saying, oh, that guy's definitely a spy because of the way he walks. On the smartest man alive. Not to flick back to this X chapter again. But, like, he claims he can spot gay people how they walk as well. He's like, the stiff-armed movements of the homosexual. Notoriously stiff-armed people.

Come up, right, Duce. This is the dangleys. We had the stereotypes on, it was like the one thing we had on lock. There was enough hidden hardware in the hotel to carry on a small war. I could tell who among the guests toaded firearm by the way they moved. I never looked for signs of the gun. guns themselves. They could be easily hidden, however. Few men failed to reveal that they are carrying a weapon by the way they carry themselves. Being gun conscious causes awkwardness. Even when someone

stands still, to my trained eye, most agents in the hotel lobby looked constipated or tentative in their movements. That was probably just the buffet that caused that look in them. Yeah, they're all just a little hungover. Just a little constipated. They're traveling. That happens to everybody. Yeah. All those people had guns. You're a super spy, Brockway. This whole time you didn't even know. Every time I travel, I get gun.

I have to take special supplements. Or else I'm all gunned up the whole trip. Help me. Pepto-Bismol. I can also tell from the slope of someone's shoulders, whether he was heavy on one side or the other. People walked differently, straighter, with even a small caliber gun tucked in the small of the back.

So if you're leading over, if you're straight, Frank Dukes knows you have a gun. My God, everyone in this lobby has a gun. My God, everyone in the world has a gun. Part of my knowledge came from pure experience and observation. Another part was the result of my martial arts training, where close observation of the slightest shifts in the stance of one's opponent could mean the difference between victory or defeat.

Life or death. Or getting your yellow belt in karate. I guess that was, you know, that was in blood sport, where, like, Van Dam very carefully, like, squared off against, that guy in the kumete and then he just pulled a gun. Oh, yeah, yeah, I remember that. That was the director's code, I think, I don't know. Bandad was ready for it.

That guy's going to use gun style on me. I could tell, by the way, he wasn't leaning, and then the way he was. Casey's people obviously knew whom to look for. Moments after I entered a clean-cut type sporting a conservative suit, fixed his eyes on me and never let go. So in a room of obvious spies, Frank Dukes is the most obvious spy, even in his greatest fantasy. You just said you had impeccable gait arc.

I paused for a moment. Debating whether to go to the bar in the center of the lobby, maybe I could turn this trip into a double encounter and start a relationship with someone else besides Casey. Okay, he does. I'm picking up an undercurrent here, guys. You're not going to like this next part of a sentence. Someone female and much younger, of course.

Calm down, Epstein. I started for the bar, but Mr. Suit intercepted me halfway, blonde and beefy with his dark blue Brooks brother's jacket unbuttoned but still tight he was impeccably shaking how tight was it for him Riect him

I'm so sorry that I was making fun of him for not having Gator I didn't realize what he was doing like this is actually really progressive of him let me finish let me finish okay the guy reeked a colon he says Tinkerbell it was really It was really more of a statement than a question.

And he almost let a slight smile crack, his serious demeanor. Who else? Laugh and I'll make you fly, I answered. Again, just top-notch banter. Definitely should have left that in the book. One of his spy identities is named Tinkerbell? Yes, he's named Tinkerbell probably as a goof. And everyone knows Tinkerbell famously made other people fly.

Actually, that might be true. I can't remember. Yeah, she made other people fly, I guess. It's a long way to go for an I'll punch you into the air pod. Yeah, I'll crawl into your pocket and suck the jam off your feet. Like laughing, I'll make you fly, but get me drunk and I'm yours. Yeah. Famous line from Peter Pan.

The name was the one Ames had provided for me, his idea of a joke. Ames had a penchant for games. And perhaps that's why he was so successful as a recruiter. His devil-may-care attitude attracted youthful recruits as well as risk-take. Make no mistake about his abilities, however. When he meant business, the jokes immediately ceased. He was real. None of the false macho bullshit portrayed in movies where the characters cracked jokes in a situation

that would make most people piss in their pants or only moments after someone's buddy had been blown away. They're acting as if nothing happened and the whole damn business was a game. That doesn't sound like anybody we know. He just in this in this spy book, he just called you Tinkerbell, dude. Like you're up, but you're totally so all over the place. Needless to say, I liked Ames, he was the main reason I was there. Take a walk outside for a while until I come get you, Mr. Suit ordered.

He nodded his head towards rear doors, leading to the water garden. I checked out the bonsai trees while I waited, past the pond with its fountain and artificial islands, the swimming pool waited, lit up even though nobody was testing the water. As for me, you wouldn't catch me taking a dip this time of year without a wet. suit. This is impeccable romantacy writing. Like, he's really, he's building up an exotic world that doesn't exist, just fraught with sexual attention. I'm sad that this is the only book we ever got from Frank. How did such a literary titan only produce one masterpiece like this? Exactly. This could have been an entire franchise. It's like, here comes this guy. I can picture him. He's like,

his suits tight, his skin's tight. He's shaved. He reeks of cologne. Reeks of cologne. Just smelling. And then he's like, the setting, he's like, ah, the bonsai trees. And there's like this beautifully well-lit pool. But then if you're a super spy like me,

you realize he let you in on a secret. Frank Dukes' weakness is cold water. You'd never catch me in that pool. We can use that against him. I may be tough, but I'm not chilly pool, tough. The grounds were designed for privacy, and I ended up in the shixtaping. Shadows. Still doing it.

Still really hot. He's still spying around. Still like somebody's got to fuck. I don't know, man. You got to give us release. The sexual tension is off the job. It's crazy. As soon as all the ladies in the book left, it gets real hot. Staking out the glass doors and windows of the lobby. Checking out a blonde stuffed into a sequined gown.

She provided a pleasant sight while I mused over what had brought me there that evening. It's creeping on people through the glass. That seems to be basically all frank. has done since arriving in the lobby is just stand there creepily checking people out. Till, a guy came up and said, Tinkerbell, take a walk. Tinkerbell, get the fuck out of here. And he's like, he knows my spy name and is giving me a spy mission. And really, the guy's like, no, I just need, I'm homophobic and I need you to go. You're staring at everybody. It's weird. All right. So he's, he's looking at this blonde stuffed

into a gown. And then he says, originally recruited and prepared while still in my teens. I had been seduced by the perfumed promises of glory and adventure by my sponsor, Major General Enforcement. What? It sounds like grooming more and more that he says it. Also, who? No, there was perfume involved. The perfume promises. It's romantic.

I love this. I actually read these on big feats that one day, because I was really impressed at how he completely repeated the same paragraph four pages apart from each other. A lot of authors wouldn't do that. I was about to say, didn't he already get seduced by some perfume promises a couple of pages again? By the major general foreskin. You have found another weakness. Cold water and perfume.

Cold water, perfume. He can't remember things from four pages ago. He just really loves that turn of phrase. I mean, I can't blame him. It is, it's beautiful. Perfume. He is the James Joyce of shitty martial arts books. I just wouldn't, I wouldn't use that phrase for CIA promises of deadly spy work.

They promised me there'd be perfume on the spy work. It seems like all they promised him was like, it's going to suck. Everything about this sucks. You might get killed by people who. who work for the same agency. We have nothing for you to go on, just a bunch of murders. We're going to call you Tinkerbell the whole time. Like, we...

Yeah, we're real mean and infuse it. You'll hate this and we hate you. That's what the two things you need to know, right off the bat. Like, you are the fodder in this mission, Frank. Clearly, you're the one who dies first in this. And up with your perfumed promises. Well, you train me how to do good sex, right? Oh, absolutely.

We've got the finest sex teachers in all of Europe. No, it's mostly footstuff. Get out of here. The past two years, however, had marked a hiatus in my intelligence experience. Interrupted occasionally by some calls from a man I had met under a number of occasions, the man who would become my handler, Robert C. Ames. So again, he just forgot he wrote all this down four pages ago. I liked Ames' laid-back attitude.

It always seemed as if he was having fun and that he didn't give a damn what anyone thought. He didn't eat his ego-stroked, like so many others in the business. Some were there for that very. reason. You just said you hated that about other guys. Oh, they treated like a game. And if they joke around, I liked how he joked around, like one paragraph. You made it one paragraph. I mean, to be fair, none of the jokes have been very funny anyway. Yeah, they're tough to get through. I love this book so much except for like when he makes the little movie banter when the guys are like riffing out each other. Because it it reeks of like, obviously none of this happened, but it also has the stench of someone who's like,

oh, I should have said that super cool thing back then. And so it's like this extra lie on top of the cool lie that makes it suck. No, I firmly believe all of this happened. Like every line of this book, every bit of dialogue. Frank wouldn't lie about these things. You can't prove it didn't. So far, I really do believe the footstuff. I believe he sucks some jam off some feet.

And I believe he hung out creepily in a Crown Plaza lobby checking out the dudes. I didn't say it was consensual. I think he's probably crawling around under the tables, spreading jam on feet and getting thrown out of bistros. Sox on his hands, dog ears on his head. I'm just a dog. Woof. Where did half of this dog go?

Photo courtesy of the author. The interior was richly paneled and floor marbled. I had little time to admire the fancy elevator, however. The moment the doors closed, the three suits brisked the hell out of me. And they knew what they were doing. They divested me. They divested me of my belt In the hollow compartment

Behind my cowboy buckle I hid tools Lock picks and other paraphernalia That might come in handy Some other time But not tonight Make sure I get that back I told Mr. Sute

He maintained his deadpan If you come back You'll get the belt back Oh, Mr. Sude God it's so hot And he wrapped it around my neck Jesus Christ I love that there are tools

lock picks and paraphernalia in the belt buckle like if you got a spy belt buckle with like a handcuff key or something fine cute but like he's got tools and paraphernalia he can't list a second thing other than the lockpicks

and that's why I'm suspicious like what is there waterproof matches is there a compass like what are the devices in your fucking belt? Yeah you got an Allen wrench in there which size you need a whole array of Alan Wrenches. I picture him with like the actual WWE championship belt around it. It's got like a lunch. At the risk of like spoilers for like, you know, what's to come.

If you think what's in his belt is amazing, wait until you find out what's in his shoes. Oh, thank God you said shoes. That's true. I really thought that was going. Based on everything that we've read so far and how fraught with sexual tension, I really thought that was going somewhere else. Well, you never know. I mean, there's still a lot of book to go. And this bathroom scene, really drags as well. There's a lot to this bathroom scene. We're only getting hornier as we go. Absolutely. Frank Dukes continues, they thought I was merely the intercontinental champion with my belt.

But inside, I had a luncheables make your own pizza deluxe set in case I got hungry. Picture of just squatting on a toilet assembling each little piece. One pepperoni per side. Okay. We descend past the plaza level, located below street level, to the California level as the doors opened. light classical music wafted in and followed us through the hallways. At least it wasn't Musak. Oh, God. Musac. Jesus, that would have been a nightmare.

Nailed in this kidnapping. Just like instant boner killer. Ruin the mood. The whole vibe is lost. But what if it was like music of Careless Whisper or something, that would have been fun. It did nothing to make the situation less hot. I loosened the button. Inside the button, we're all kinds of cool.

spy stuff. Little gun, you had to work with tweezers. They stopped in front of a bathroom, and they frisked me a second time, and then made me take off my boots. Don't fool around with those, I joked. They explode when tampered with by the uninitiated. He's like, I got them in a joke shop. He gave my otherwise harmless-looking black elephant-skin boots a careful and thorough inspection,

discovering evidence of my escape kit. He found a knife scabbard, false pockets, hide various IDs in the boots lining, custom made to go along with the hollow heels where I'd hidden a debt cord and plastic explosives. A handcuff key fell out of the false pocket just above the heel. Mr. Stute still playing the intimidation game, tucked it into his own pocket for safekeeping. This is incredible. He's recreated the exact, the comical scene from like a naked gun movie where they just keep taking weapons. out and throwing them, but it's all coming from a boot, which is so much funnier.

We waited together in the bathroom for about 10 minutes. Plenty of time for me to check out our meeting place. Some bathroom. What are we going to do, boys? Ten minutes to kill in here. Ten minutes to kill and I got no belt and no shoes. And I got all these cool toys from my milk. And I lot of paraphernalia.

Frank thinks he's a spy, so he doesn't quite know what good details are and what bad details are. So about a half a page, he just gives details about the bathroom. like pointless ones about how nice the toilet seats are. And then in the back, he's like, where most people, only a super spy would even think to notice, he sees a big metal door. He's like, yes, but if you go past the sinks, which most people would get hung up on. What's a sink doing in a bathroom? I saw a weird, giant metal door. My keen, his keen spy sense is new.

That meant something. And what's that, I said, where you keep the maintenance supplies? Yes, they said, that's what it is in every bathroom. But I don't know about you guys, but I really felt like I was in that bathroom with him. Like, I mean, he described it so well. It was just like, wow, I can see the tiles. I can see that sink over there. I can see that weird door at the back of the bathroom.

It's like, I mean, it was like being in a bathroom. It was amazing. It's like you're really there, barefoot and being watched over by hunks. It should be a blurb, a blurb on the cover. It's really like being in a bathroom. What's in here, I asked, pointing toward the rear door, metal from the looks of it. I found a coin. I hid it in the secret pocket that they never found,

along with four chainsaws and my nunchucks, my escape nunchucks. See for yourself, I stuck my head into the large empty janitor's closet, practically as clean as the bathroom itself. The closet ceiling was much higher, and pipes were visible overhead. I shut the door and wondered how much longer I'd have to wait. I gave incredible attention to detail in this bathroom scene. It is just, wow.

I'd shut the door and thought, I really wish something would happen, but I can't. I'm trapped in this chapter, and there's no escape. There could have been an underground base. Ah, welcome. Most people don't try the bathroom door, Frank. You're an elite secret spy. It's amazing to watch him trap himself in his own chapter,

try to escape and then get denied. Nothing, it turns out. How do people do this? How do people write stuff? Now I'm looking it up. His attention to detail in describing this fucking bathroom is like Ishida Kim's attention to detail in describing tea drinks. drinking in The Amorous Adventures of Ishida Kim, if you've ever read that book, he goes to

great lengths to tell you about, you know, how warm the tea was, what it tasted like, how long it took to brew, all in his, you know, sex book, which is mostly about tea. That's what I love about books like these is you discover like they're trying to pretend to be somebody really cool and with all of these deadly interests, but then you discover what they're really passionate about, like tea and bathrooms. Yeah, here's the thing Frank Duke knows a lot about. Bathroom design. That's all he wanted to be. So a balding old man with white tufts of hair and disarray around huge ears walks in.

Everything about him seemed to slump. From his earlobes to his jowls to his shoulders. His eyelids drooped behind his wireframe glasses. His sleepy eyes sandwiched between the bloated lids and the puffy bags underneath. He wore a dark, not a stripsuit, but sported a paisley tie loosened at the neck. I was in my prime. about as fit as a human being could be, a martial arts expert,

and one of the fastest men alive when it came to reacting on a moment's notice. I could have picked up this feeble out of shape, old man with one hand, and dashed him against the marble wall with enough force to kill him instantly. But physical force... I kind of picture, Frank, like, reading this bit to, like, a room full of, like, eight-year-olds,

like, practicing karate. Kids, let me tell you about this one time when I could have slammed this guy's head, right through a toilet wall. That's his reaction to just seeing an old out of shape guys. I could kill this man. I could kill him instantly. It's another dumb martial arts guy thing is that, like, they act like they're,

like, constantly assessing danger and, like, seeing opponents and ways they would defeat these opponents if they had to. Like, oh, I'm seven steps into the fight, but before they even know I'm there. So he's a little that's leaking out. Having only the weapons I could find in a normal bathroom at my disposal. choke him with the toilet paper. Oh, no, it's the plunger. Just going to plunge him.

Just plunge his face off. I'm calling it. I'm only surprised that, like, you know, you got all the facts at the end of Bloodsport, you know, like fastest kick with a punch or whatever it was. But yet he has this one fact in the book here where he says, I'm one of the fastest men alive when it comes to reacting on a moment's notice. How come that wasn't in there with the fact? Yeah.

You're slipping. Add that to the kick speed. Yeah. Yeah. And like, how the hell do you measure something like that? It's so funny. Because this is a man with real. stats about his speed and he's like keeping it super vague.

I think it wasn't there. It was fastest murder of a helpless old man with no provocation. Point three, four seconds. Fastest meeting a guy and imagining how you could have killed him for no reason, Frank Dukes. But physical force does not necessarily equal real power, as I well know from my training. No matter what he looked like, Bill Casey possessed the power of authority, not just the authority of his position, but an internal compromise. that differentiates men of his type from all others.

He exuded the sense that what he said went and that he expected his orders to be carried out with exactness. Somehow, that interior force of personality overrode the outer image of the tired, sagging, face and body, creating an impression necessary to maintaining a certain type of authority. He exuded the message, don't mess with me or you'll regret it. So Frank is telling us that he's a sob here, right? Yeah, now it's hot again. You're right.

now it's hot again. He smelled the dom on this fella, and he said, Daddy, I am all yours. They already took my belt. These pants will drop right off. Five, finger, death punch, fuck, yeah, secret man. Karatee fuck, yeah. Ooh, shit, punch, kid. I fucked your dad.

What, the wet, what? Welcome World Warriors to the second annual hot dog Kumete Supreme Division. You are all here because you are the best fighters, your country, school, or local strip mall can produce. Let's get this roll call started. Adrian H. It's like you're fighting frog style. I don't know that one. A lot of jumps, I presume. Alex Nolenberg, un-Andi. Armando Nava, you're fighting crane style. That's a classic, notorious warriors, the cranes. Brandon Garlock, Rockway famously loves the meat millie. Christopher Worthing. See you're fighting crab style. Nice. Dan B. Dusty's Red title.

Fate elevator of the name. Can you define for me what magical morality elevator style is? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. That's fucked up. God have mercy on your opponents. Elizabeth Shoke. Errit Christian Bird says here you're also fighting crab style. Don't worry. No rule against pinch it. Jello. Greg Cunningham. Alpha scientist Javo. Uh, you appear to be some sort of shaved beast entered as a joke? Looking around here, actually, let's do this all at once. Please roar or shriek if you're actually a shaved beast entered as a joke. Got it. Toasty God.

Matt Riley, Devin, the Rogue Supreme, Timi Leahy, Mr. Bob Gray. I'm going to need you all to step out of line. But good news, we will be holding an all-naked novelty beast division next month. Get your shot. Grumpy Phoenix. Harvey Penguini. You will be fighting using Uninvited Uncle Style? Gross, man.

I'll be a law against you, people. Up to, but there's not. Welcome to the Kumate. Honk. James Boy. Jared Mountain Man. Jeff Araskey. Are you?

Are you also using crab style? No, no, it's not a problem. We just try to mix it up a little more here in the Kumite. John Dean, John McCammon, John Minkoff, all good? Joshua Graves, you... Did you not hear me when I asked all-shaved novelty beasts to vacate the line? Oh, you're not shaved. Oh, you have alopecia, but you are a beast.

Let me... no, no, you're right. Nothing in the rule book. You air-budded me. That's a fair play. Justin B. Katzat Studios. Ken Paisley says here you'll be using gun style. Now does that mean you just brought a gun? No, no, no rule against it. I'm just, I'm honestly amazing. nobody tried it before uh k and m Lisa leopard queen you're fighting leopard style love to see the classics again I am curious to see how that will counter gun though am Jahi Chappelle Mark Max Broye Michael Lair you'll you'll be using uh insane I don't know this one insane vehicle style oh oh I'm sorry Michael Lair is an insane vehicle and we'll be using American Fender Kenpo

Karate gotcha Mort, N.D. Neil Bailey, Neil Schaefer, again, using Crabb style. What's going on, folks? Is there a new dojo in town or what? Must be good. Nick Levino, obsolete. Says here you don't have a style and you're just gonna fucking flip out when you get in there. That's a solid play. Ornery Weevil, Ozzy Olin, Patrick Hertz is going to try negotiating.

All right. Pee Wee's uncle, practical ZFS. Rebrandrew. Red wine time. You're using drunken kung fu. Okay. Oh, what was that? What was that? One more time?

I can't, I can't understand. Oh, no kung fu. You're just drunk. Got it. Rianit. Russell Fowman. Sam Cotnick. Sean Logan Chase uses human tornado style.

Hell yeah, man. Can you do the noises? That's great. It cracks me up every time. Seed. Taters tails. Thomas Kavis. You're using clone Jutsu.

I didn't know that was real. It's not? It's from a cartoon? Then what are you gonna... Alright, never mind, your business. Tommy G. Bilo. Yvonne Clapham.

Zach and Eva. Oh, I'm sorry, Zach and Eva. No tag teams in the Supreme Division. You're conjoined. Can I see where? Oh, excuse me, that makes me the pervert. I'm the pervert for trying to do my job. All right, all right.

No, you have it your way. Super. or not. Your crab style. Hold on, hold on. There's something wrong with the rest of my list. Jabber, Al Aden, Spotty reception, Dean Costello. All crabs? You are. Booster, Brian Saylor, Sarah, Crab, Crab, Crab, Crab, all the way down. All right. Waylon Russell, Crab, Elliot Watson, Crab, Neck of 104, Crab, David Schult. What's that? Mud Flat Fiddler style. Good. I was worried these were all going to be. Oh, that's a type of crab style.

Okay. Space Jam fan, you crab? You crabbing? Okay. Victor Malavankan, no need to answer. I can see you're scuttling right now. Craig Lemoy. Also crab?

Also crab. Oh, fancy shark. That's more like it. I got you down as shark style in the fancy subdivision. Good on ya, pal. What's that? No, you cannot change crab style this late in the game. I don't care how much fun it looks like they're having.

All right. All right, folks. Settle down, settle down. Let's get this kumate started. If you'll all head in through these doors single file and hey Hey, craps, crabs, crabs, crabs, hey stop it crabs. Crabbs stop pulling each other back. One of you has to go first