The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - The Secret Men: Part 5 - The Ultimate Fighter with Zak Koonce

Episode Date: August 26, 2026

Is Frank Dux responsible for the UFC and violence in video games? No. Join Zak, Seanbaby, and Brockway as they search for the REAL answer, which is still "no."

To the Talk Zone 9,000, Secret Men podcast, episode five. We are Secret Men from 1,900 Hot Dog, the final website. Supporting us is easy and affordable. Give us several dollars a month, and we'll give you daily articles by the last working comedy writers. We'll email them right to you if you want. Each one will blow your mind with joy and joke density. I'm a shot baby. That was the whole sales pitch.

I'm from the internet, and my partner claims to be the 11-time hunk of North Real Place, actualville. He's Robert Brookway. You can check. You can check. I am. My best friend went to real place actual Ville school. You wouldn't know him. He's dead now. You can't check any of this, but it's for real. The records got destroyed. Speaking of stuff, you can't check, but it's for real. Here's a Brockway fact. I once brought a woman to multiple orgasm and gave her Legionnaires disease at the same time. No follow questions, though. Hot. Our guest, wrote and composed our theme song, both the one you just heard and the regular one. He is a master of martial arts, and he wields the weapons of grab,

Naginata, and Oral. He's that Coots! Stay away from that oral. I'll spam it. You're in big trouble if I corner you with Oral. Your corner trap you with Oral. Welcome back. Yeah.

I'm happy to be here. Congratulations on being that. And being here. And being here. You can also find me there. That being Zach's Planet of Garbage on YouTube, on the podcast spaces. Also at Arlnots, where I do the oral.

And we just have a lot of fun making stuff. That's what I do. Just came out with an episode of the podcast with your producer, Jamie. That was fun. Rock and roll nightmare. Yeah. Jamie's a great time.

I haven't listened to it yet. I will. I promise. Well, when this episode airs, it will have been several weeks. So hopefully by now you'll... Yeah. No, that's how far behind I am.

Future, Sean, we'll be able to answer any question about the podcast. I love it. The idea of being able to hear a thing in like the regular daytime hours, absurd. Completely absurd. No, I have to be doing something else. Yeah, I don't even get past the ads before. Daddy. Daddy.

Rock, wait, let's do a plug for you. Sure. I would also like to plug Zach's podcast. Oh, it's on my list. I'll get to it, man. You know, go listen to Big Feats. If you are glad that we are doing this podcast series, The Secret Men, it is only because of big feats

because Sean would read a little bit from that book every single time as part of his introduction, which is a bit that now has to die. I hope you're at home with that. We didn't think that one through. Does it? Yeah, I think it kind of does. I'll get a different book.

It's no big deal. We'll figure out something else. It's two separate audiences, right? We don't know. There's probably a way to record metrics somehow. I've never looked into it. I wouldn't have. I'm just saying you could recycle content, I think, safely.

Yeah, I don't know. Maybe we can't. Yeah. Maybe we can't, but we might anyway. Lesser men might. Yeah, exactly. We're the kind of assholes that will just do everything the hard way. Everything's got to be new and fresh.

Exactly. But hold on, hold on. Really do go listen to Big Feats. It is not much longer for this world. We are on the final season. There's only a handful of episodes left until we are done with mountain monsters entirely. We'll probably do, I don't know, like, one of the final. episode on the behind the scenes thing because that seems crazy to try to do more

a piece of shit yeah more than one episode on that and then we are pivoting to covering the the sons of appalachia and the uh and um ames mountain monster mondays aims filed i don't know what the hell jeff's thing is called but he's he did another one he's doing it yeah so we're gonna pivot to that but that's called a different thing is he like the justin timber lake of the mountain men yeah he's good he's good well he and willie so i guess if if Justin and Timberlake were different guys. Right. And they split off.

They're a master blaster. Please welcome Timberlake Justin. And if like maybe Timberlake was way more into it than Justin and Timberlake was just kind of there to get a paycheck. Yeah. Justin just made boxes. Timberlake would do would drag a Justin. Fucking Timberlake man. That's my plug.

Timberlake could be a creature name. That's like a crypto. Yeah. Yeah. they probably killed a couple of Timberlakes. You know, they all run together. When we left off, Frank Dukes was, I think, in a training montage. He was in his seventh nested flashback having a training montage.

So the movie Bloodsport really was. He's still on the date. Because I am behind. This is episode five, but as of this time, only two have been out. But you have seen Bloodsport and you have heard. Did you listen to both episodes? I listened to both episodes. So I've got all the just so much facts and the.

You're a much better friend than I am because you listen to my podcast. Yeah. But also, you're much more prepared than I was expecting. Okay, good. I was expecting you just to have blood sport expertise. I have the element of surprise. I'm a master spy, by the way. I don't know if you knew this about me.

No way to check into it. Yep. My bell buckle does have those little oral bee tooth pickers in it. So I'm basically ready for anything. It takes an hour to search you. It's oral. It's on theme. Yeah.

Where we left off. This is Frank talking about his Shidoshi. Oh, hell yeah. Tanaka Sama also taught me about endurance. To endure meant everything. Every conflict in life could bring a harvest of pain, but what we gleaned from this pain provided us with insight in preparation for future battles.

Sometimes, and remember he's like a fucking 15-year-old boy here, sometimes such preparation could be comic, such as the time Tanakasama surprised me with a new exercise to build my endurance and speed. I wondered what the old man was up to when he instructed me to put on a padded jumpsuit. Barely had I gotten the suit on when he ordered his Akita to attack me. The powerful Japanese fighting dog took me by surprise, and I was knocked down and dragged several feet before I recovered, gaining a proper respect for the dog's speed and strength. Next, Tanakasama told me to

take off the padded suit. He then strapped a raw steak around my waist. You have a 10-second head start, he informed me. I ran as I had never run before. Finally, taking refuge in a tree, I thought I was clever in throwing the dog the steak, only to discover later that I had fed the Akita, my own dinner. You really, do you want to cook the dick steak? Yeah. Where's his steak to properly season it? It's fear. Yeah, fully your fear, sweat and just slapping up against your junk as you, as you run from a dog outdoors, like, that's fine. And you just know, even if he got out of the tree successfully with the steak, he would have to eat it raw because that's just what kind of choice is.

That's what real men do. I wonder if, uh, Sensei, no, it's not Sensei. It's Shodoshi. Shadochi. It's amazing that he, he forgot the word for Sensei in the 1980s. It's Shadoshi. I wonder if it's like, if he's like one of those, he's got like one of those Mario pits, you know, like the theory is that.

But if you scroll down in Super Mario Brothers, every one of those pit is filled with like 600 dead Marios. It's got to be that. But for like 15 year old boys that didn't, that weren't faster than a dog, because it takes a lot to find one that's faster than a dog. Yeah, he's like, holy shit. I can't believe that work. He also just, I guess, keeping in mind contextually, this is taking place to just like the backyard of a California suburban home. Yeah. Right.

Yeah. This was his neighbor. Some guy that normally they garden today was the first like dog. attack. That's a real I think we're fixated on the dog attack. I also think it's just

as weird that the only meal he gets is the one he gets at karate class. I feel like that's another kind of strange. Like yeah, you don't come home and be like how was you know karate class?

Like I don't eat yet. She's like, well, I made dinner like I usually do. So right. Yeah, you are a child. We do feed you. I think there would be a lot of questions

if you came home after karate class and you had like a furry filthy steak and you're like, he says this. This is my only dinner. It's a prize I won for outrunning the dogs. I think even in the 1980s, a parent would have questions about that.

Yeah. That must be a really good karate class is what they would say. My family would have been like, do you bring enough for everybody? Yes. We could split the dick steak eight days. Yeah, it was wrapped around my waist. There's a lot of steak here. Oh, maybe, yeah, it could be like a flank steak.

We didn't discuss what kind of steak. I was picturing like loin. Cloth. Okay. That's probably it. Just covering the privates. Now that I mentioned that, I don't know why I'm picturing him. He's naked.

You got a naked 15 year old in your head. Okay. What a twist. That's the only way to train dog karate. No, no. He said he took off the suit. That's why I'm assuming like, oh, naked suit. Oh, yeah.

He was going balls to suit. Plus padded suit. I'm not even sure what that is. Like, I've seen like dog attack sleeves. I think he's, I think it's one of those sumo suits that you rest of. Yeah. I pictured the sumo suit. Absolutely.

Yeah. He said, yeah. Dog, does it make the, like, squeaking noise as the dog bites into it? Yes. All the air escapes. He's in one of those, like, inflatable T-Rex costumes. If you can outrun the dog in the sumo suit, holy shit, you weren't the stake. Frank Dukes gets really obsessed about, like, the logistics of law enforcement and, like, interagency communication.

But then when it comes to, like, clothes, he's like, oh, yeah, wear Navajo white socks to hide in hotels. And you're like, no, dude, you've got to rethink your whole idea of clothes, man. Like padded suit is not a thing, Frank. No, padded suit. I think he's thinking of like one of those dog attack suits, but like full body, which I think are a thing for like the really crazy training.

But again, why does your neighbor have that? This guy, yeah, he's a serial killer. He's got weird shit in his house. Yeah, he kills with dogs.

Unless it's like that armor, but like made out of like Japanese plate armor instead to be on theme. Oh, that's fucking sweet samurai. It's like that armor. It's like a samurai golly. Yeah, like a tank class samurai. But you can only use it once. It takes one hit.

It falls apart. Yeah. Every hit knocks off a big turn. You take zero damage, but yeah, it's done. It takes zero. We would have been in death flow. That's all got you. Yeah.

Oh, you guys are thinking of a ghost and goblin's armor. Yeah. Of course. Yeah, there it is. Of course. That's exactly what I'm picturing. The dog gets him in all of his armor just flies off like ghosts and gobbins. And plus one stick.

One steak just bouncing. is away. Yeah, that's video game shit. Yeah. He fucking played Ghost and Gobblets and wrote this. That's what happened. He figured it out. He knocked a guy out in final fight.

He turned into meat. Frank's like, I understand karate. That's how I understood karate in the 19th. Yeah. So he talks a little bit about the lesson he learned from running away from a dog up a tree. Then he says, years later, when training Jean-Claude Van Dam for Bloodsport in my studio, I told this story of the dog from hell. Imagine my amusement when Van Dam used the incident in Kickboxer

and even recounted a similar personal experience in various interviews. Wow. So this guy is accusing Jean-Claude Van Dam of stealing a made-up story. He's stealing from Jean-Claude Van Dam. Yes. That's a powerful move. That is a double, the double bluff lie where I take you a lie, sir. Who are you going to believe?

Van Damme in this move? that came out before I'm telling you this or me Frank fucking Dukes. What a take her belt. A strong move to take like, I mean, he's stealing, he's stealing movie anecdotes all over the place anyway, but to steal a movie anecdote of somebody that you know is, I don't know if that's a next level crazy. But also to like say what it's from because I honestly, I love kickboxer, but I didn't remember. I didn't make the connection. I forgot there was like a dog chasing scene. Now I'm like, this son of.

No, that you made this up, Frank Dukes. you stole it from kickboxer. I'm going to get all the details of this story wrong, but he claims that he co-wrote the quest, which is just bloodsport mixed with a little kickboxer. And he claimed that he was supposed to get an insane number, like 20% of the gross, something you would not normally get for like a story.

$35. Something nobody gets, period. Yes. And this went to court because he sued Jean-Claude Van Damme for the money. And he claimed in court that, like, He had a house fire, but the only thing it burned was like the contract for this insane deal, this unprecedented insane deal. Anyway, like I said, I think I'm going to get some details of that story wrong, but I'm really close.

Wasn't there a safe? Didn't he say he had it in like a safe? Yeah. There was like a safe fire. Yeah. You know, you know, a classic safe fire. That's right. Yeah, that sounds familiar.

I should have done the research before I tried to retell that story. No. In the spirit of the podcast, I demand nobody research their stories before they start telling them. and then just accuse him a blind, just say, no, no, that happened to me. Actually, my karate documents burned up in a safe fire, and Frank Dukes took that. Yeah, I was Roger Moore in the Quest. Also, I love that that suit with like the first big hurdle to clear is proving that the

quest made any money? Like 20% of what, buddy? As a super fan, barely, I barely remember the Quest. I've seen it. I don't remember it. And bought the VHS. I mean, I did my part. all those

posers, yeah, didn't commit it to memory. 20% of that money. All I remember is just, you bested me with your legs and your speed. Yeah, that's,

he's got to style like a monkey. James Rehmar. I love James Remar, just completely out of place, way cooler than anybody in that movie will ever be. It's a good movie. Like, it's really,

it's a crowd theater. I mean, I, I say it with some irony, but, The quest is fun. They do a cartoon fight scene in that where he fights like this giant Mongolian, like, Greco wrestler.

And they, like, go into some huts and just, like, cartoon bashed their way through the huts, like kind of off frame. And I was like, this is some cheap ass. I cannot wait until we get to that chapter in this book. The quest chapter. Yeah, when did this book come out? Did it come out after the quest? The Mongolian clap fight that destroyed a village.

Like, you know that's in here. You know that came from his own personal life. Okay, he's practicing the art of evasion and escape forced entry. So he's learning, breaking and entering from his backyard karate teacher. What's the time? He's 14 here. So within a year, he'll be recruited by the CIA? Right.

I think didn't that happen last episode where they came to inspect him? Like he, when he built the electric trap. They came to purchase a boy from this California suburb. his neighbor, yeah. Shonoshi with a pit full of boys. Yes. Oh, these ones are all, these are well-used boys. Oh, this one.

This one will do for the CIA. Thank you. He survived the 300 pit, you say. Intuitively, I knew that something was wrong with its education in deceit, but not until later was I able to realize that in the practice of deceit, one cannot help but infect oneself. Masked in the many identities, I assumed, I faced the ultimate danger that I would lose touch

with my real identity buried beneath the roleplaying and deception. Adopting a life of constant scheming usually means also having to deceive oneself. At the time, though, I superously appealed to, yes. Wow, dude. To call it like that. It is. He just described being biracial.

You're fucking, you're code switching, bro. Like, it's fine. We all do it. You're code switching between karate identities. I don't think that's. You got a black karate friend and a white karate friend. Like you just, you know, they talked to him a little different. I thought Frank Dukes did coach switch with his Japanese instructor.

So this is a little tangent. I had a Frank Duke's friend growing up. I had a bullshit artist friend who just made up everything. And race was a big one. Like everyone saw he'd get it like something cool would happen. Like hip hop is tearing up the nation. He's like, did you know I'm part black? I'm like, bro.

Don't. The Native American one I may have bought, but this one, you don't get this one with me. Go fuck yourself. Did he say it? Did he say the word? No. Okay. That's the real test.

That was the real test. Yeah, he didn't believe in himself enough. Frank Deuce would have said it. That's full commitment. He would have keyed it. Yeah. Said that instead of his key eye. It's his power word.

With full spirit of Halloween face paint on. I think that's enough. That's enough chapter eight. I can stay in there forever. Oh, that was actually chapter seven. Sure, let me finish the last bit here. At the time, though, the secrecy appealed to my sense of adventure, and my youthful patriotism provided an impetus for remaining involved and maintaining my silence concerning my training and the people with whom I increasingly

came into contact. Despite my overall ignorance, I knew that I was being primed for something outside the ordinary pursuits of normal high school students and the attention not only made me feel special, he also convinced me that I was doing something worthwhile. Oh, my God. This is a survivor language. What is he talking about? Oh, my God.

He's been groomed. He got groomed. He's got so much self-awareness in this chapter. This has come up in the last couple episodes I listened to, but the like the specific languaging here is like extra concerning. Trouble. Yeah. Like that's that and before.

It was spot on. he was just clearly talking about like giving himself a mental illness by living 40 years as a karate liar. Like we have to invent that what that's called. Like it's it's Duke syndrome. Yeah. And you're the only guy that has him. No, he's not. My friend had it growing up too.

I guess I guess that's true. You should check in with that guy. No, he's on Facebook. He's still doing it. He's like, I was my special forces. It's Veterans Day. So you celebrate me. I'm like, bro, you dropped out of high school.

The special forces would not. not take you. You're not qualified. Also, I came back to town when you should have been in special forces to visit. You were like trying to do a rap career because you still thought you were like. That was a secret rap secret mission. You was at. Yeah. Yeah.

He's getting the Wu-Tang crew. That son of a bitch, he did it again. You got to bring him down from the inside. Wu-Tang only trusts themselves. And they don't know, they don't know how many are in there. I love Facebook for that and that alone, just to catch up, just to check in with your like your Frank Dukes's in your life because they're out there. There's more of them than you think.

They're still going. God, AI is such a gift to them. Just AI themselves doing all the just running from a dog with a steak around their dick. You're not going to believe this. They do. Yes, they do. That's what they use AI for. Facebook has no idea what I'm into because I never told it.

And so it thinks now I like gigantic women. So if I scroll down Facebook, I get AI videos of like nine foot women like cramming into subway cars and things. Oh, fuck, yes. I'm not into it. Can we trade? It's not my thing, but. Is there any way to swap out? I will allow it.

That's better than what it could be worse, man. I'm not saying it knows me, but I think it does know me better than I know myself. It's true. I can guarantee I've never searched for gigantic women that I recall. There's got to be some game that like, you know, you're barbarian from Diablo or something. A lot of President and evil. Yeah. Yeah.

I'm sure you've looked up like Conan the Barbarian and it's just pulled from that, been like, oh, you like them huge, huh? He likes huge savages. Yeah. I got it. I got it. It's not totally unpleasant.

If all the AI people get, I'm like, it could be worse. It could be worse. I'll get back to Frank here. Okay. Despite this being a very interesting part of my life. I desperately wanted to play a part in administering justice, protecting the underdog and having a righteous mission in life, a bit afraid of the unknown. Nonetheless, I was excited by future promises and prospects. I wanted to be like John Wayne, the matinee idol of my youth, like Tanaka Samma, like my father.

I wanted their admiration and I wanted to follow in their footsteps. But caught up in the idealistic daydreams and unrealistic visions of youth, I had little idea where those footsteps had taken them, where they would take me. Classic 15-year-old shower thoughts. Yep. A 15-year-old of a karate hallmark card to himself. Yeah. Yeah. It's brutal. But there was only one set of footprints on the beach.

That was because I was doing a flying jump kick. Meanwhile, check in with 15-year-old Zach. Could I get away with masturbating right now? Because I think I can. The secret man. The secret man. That's funny to say that. The next chapter is just places I jerked off and no one knew.

Fuck. I can't. I told you. Classic spy shit. No, this chapter 8 is called Dirty Tricks and Poisoned Darts. Oh, fuck. Yes. I'll shut up.

Let's do it. Okay. So this is, we're talking about Bill Casey. He wants him to come work in the shadows. And Frank has some thoughts on that. Wait, bro. Did you say it like that? Oh, yeah, for sure.

The word shadows comes up about every four pages in this. It's called politics. You don't have any experience of that kind of peril. And you'd be a little more. than a sitting duck. Trust me, as long as these fuckers are sniping at me, you're going to be safe. They're not going to shoot at something. They don't know even exists.

He was right, to a point. He didn't mention that when a battle is going on, it's easy to get hit in the crossfire, whether anyone knows you're there or not. I would learn about the hazards he mentioned later on, particularly years later during a campaign calculated to smear my character and career. Oh. Oh, that made an enemy. Is this just regular journalism?

Like what is the... Yeah, he talks a while about the FBI's misinformation campaigns, like planting guns and illegal wiretaps on nuns. Long story about that. Discrediting MLK, it's hard to tell if he's for or against that. Yeah, that was my follow question. Yeah, we'll never know. Was he part of it?

Was he part of the operation? He might have been. I was one years old. They used to be the baby pro. I just love that he does not hesitate at all to drop real names so long as they are dead. Right. Yeah, he'll talk about the nuns at Bethany House and MLK. And I say that those are the two examples that uses for the FBI's misinformation campaign

because the next target he talks about is himself. So that's who he's comparing himself to. First, they came for MLK. We're not skipping the nuns story. aren't we? I mean, he doesn't really give any details. Okay, so been given orders to plant guns and the group's members and discredit the two nuns spearheading the group. Under orders, he'd broken into the nuns living quarters at Bethany House, and he'd also planted illegal wiretaps on the phones of CIS members and broken to their homes and apartments.

This might be a real story that he's getting some details. I planted guns on nuns. He wasn't involved with this. This is just an example of the kind of thing the FBI gets up to. Oh, okay. Okay, okay, it was privy to. Right, because I think he wanted to compare himself to Jesus, and he couldn't figure out how, so he's comparing himself. Jesus also famously planted guns on nuns.

I think he just invoked his favorite 70s exploitation film, Nuns with Guns. Yeah, we all love it. We all love that movie. I witnessed similar campaigns, and in May 1988, when the Los Angeles Times ran an article, impugning my integrity as a martial artist, I immediately sensed a hand, pulling the strings behind the seat. At first, I believed that the martial arts magazines had initiated the smear to discredit me, since I would not play their profit games and to pump up their own advertised, quote, stars. The martial arts magazine cabal?

The cabal of powerful martial arts magazine figures that pooled together and influence the mainstream media? He's saying it could go higher than that. I am looking at a 1988, Los Angeles Times article called Ninja Hero or Maston. FACKE. Others kick holes in fabled past of Woodland Hills martial arts teacher. So he's doing real damage control. That's great. I love that he's doing damage control, but it, it, it's like a duets. It's a duets like world where karate is so powerful that the, the karate magazine magnates dictate, like, dictate what the, what the actual newspaper is right about. Absolutely.

We're like, because he doesn't, he doesn't play their profit games. They are even in the 80s at the peak of karate magazine, like the editor-in-chief of Black Belt magazine, I guarantee he was living in a storage unit. He wasn't supposed to be in. 100%. Like there's. And the guy, yeah, the editor from Ninja magazine was subletting from that guy. Yeah, he's like, he's living in somebody's bathroom and he has to like close the shower curtain when people come in to pee. Only he doesn't always do it.

Just the worst people you could possibly say, this is the powerful cabal that runs the world. I recalled how in 1980, John Stewart, the editor of Black Belt, told me that I would be blackballed unless I committed to selling its sister company, Ohare Books, my book writes. These books would be composed of a series of articles first published in the magazine if I did not agree Rainbow Publications, which at the time controlled Black Belt and other martial arts magazine.

dominating the martial arts readership would discredit me. These are the stakes. That's the rainbow mafia. Specifically in Frank. You would be discredited in Blackballed specifically from karate magazine. Right. For like four or five more articles across a lifetime.

Like how many articles did Frank Duke thinks they were going to write about him? Yeah. Unlimited. Frank Duke's magazine. Of course, Stuart. First emphasize the lucrative opportunities of, joining the martial arts seminar circuit, but only if I joined the group of martial artists with book contracts with O'Hare books. But even though, thanks to Stewart, I had been featured in a

number of articles in short succession. I refuse to participate in these attempts to cheapen the long and dignified tradition of the martial arts. One of the funniest things you've said yet. He's fantastic. I mean, right up there with bestreras and toes. Just the paragon of upholding the Bushida. of the ways. I had too much dignity as a martial arts faker to participate in this cheap martial arts faker. I genuinely don't know what they're asking him to do. They wanted him to join their publication.

They wanted to collect his articles into a book. Okay. And he said, no, I'm going to write my own book, which I guess he did. Yeah, it's great. We're reading it. And then he was, he was banned from, from all of civil society, which at that point was exclusively martial arts magazines. Yes.

I mean, this all just goes back to the LA Times article, right? Like, this article just came out because this person was probably like me who loved bloodsport and actually believed in it and then found out it was all bullshit. It was like, what? What? Yeah, real. What? So then this article came out.

He's like, wait, how do I explain away this article? Well, you see, it was the cabal of ninja magazines. I'm pulling the strings of the LA Times. Yeah. I would just love, I would love to see that meaning where they all show up. Because I wouldn't sign with Rainbow Publishing. In a single van in their baths,

file into the LA Times offices, karate chop a desk in half and demand that they publish a smear article. Oh my God, we're all such nerds in here. We have to do it. Yeah. These guys smell like musty van carpet. We got to do what they say.

Shortly afterward, when Rainbow Publications in Ohio, books began a profiteering bonanza with an ohion who built himself as the only american ninja an independent ninja such as myself clearly threatened a monopoly of the title bro the independent ninja big ninja is always coming for the little guys independent ninja is a media those check our shop it's in there right now i guarantee unless i forget about it completely by the end of this podcast Don't forget. This only American ninja, in quotes, cashing in on the ninja craze in the 80s,

intimated that any practitioner but himself was a fake. Just like you did. Just like you do. Just like you do. Was his name Michael Dutnikov? Fuck, if it is, there's no contest. Could you imagine? He's got to be mad at Michael Dutikoff, right?

Yeah, he's probably real pissed at Michael Dutikoff. It's a sheet of him from Ohio. Ooh, it might be. But, but, but, no. Normally, Frank Dukes kind of puts himself next to Ashita Kim as like a fellow boys, right? Yeah, a fellow death touchmaster. Yeah, you've got to have one guy that has to like believe you by by mutually assured destruction. Like if all my shit isn't real and his shit isn't real, so therefore we both back each other up.

Us indie ninjas got to stick together. Independent ninja. What a business card. What a goddamn business card. Yeah, you guys probably wouldn't have heard of me. I'm not part of big ninja I'm not a part of the corporate ninja corporate ninjitsu

Ashita Kim is Florida based which okay explains a lot that makes sense yeah Ohio Ninja must bring something that's got to come up with something Ohio Ninja

I mean isn't Frank Duke's he's Ohio right ninja warrior shit took it over all right never mind that makes sense even John Stewart knew better for he had seen me perform each legendary ninja task, including the quote, death touch called Dim Mach by the Chinese.

This skill involves the ability to hit the human body and even cause death without leaving a bruise. I demonstrated on a pile of bricks and selectively controlled my kinetic energy to destroy any single brick or combination of bricks in between as I had done on PM Magazine and for Mary Hart of Entertainment Tonight at John's request. Incredible. Hold on.

I could not find a clip of this. Sean, I put it in the intro. He kind of broke a whole one brick. The scene in Bloodsport where Van Dam does the dimmock to destroy the brick at the bottom was considered like ridiculous embellishment of like, oh my God. Look at his power. He's saying I could not only destroy any brick in there, but a selection of, so you could be a destroy brick three, five and seven, please. And actually just just really shake up brick six. just like, ooh, give it a good scare.

Consider it done. Child's play for the labors of the ninja. And hold on, there are Herculesan tasks. Yeah, the nangers have the labors of the independent. The labors of the ninja? Yeah. Fetch me a goat's pelt made of pure gold and break this brick. And the guy from Black Belt magazine watched you do all of them?

Help her read off the celebrity birthdays of the day, Frank Dukes. This Mary Hart's still alive We gotta... We should ask her. We gotta ask her. Ask her if she remembers the brick guy. No, but I rented a bathroom to that guy once. Oh shit.

It says here she died of completely untraceable and mysterious causes. And the only sign was a handprint on her on her tummy. Selectively destroying only the left kidney, the gallbladder, and the pancreas. At rib four through seven. Gasp! At John's request, however, the task was further complicated by the use of materials of different densities, including fragile ceramic tiles and concrete caps, with cameras flashing and videotape rolling. I broke only the top ceramic tile and the bottom concrete cap in the stack.

I was asked to repeat this stunt again, this time breaking only the bottom brick, a feat documented in the September 1980-issue. issue of Black Belt magazine. So he fucked up. Something went wrong. And he chalked it up to, I did that on purpose. And that's actually called the death touch. Yeah, that's called the dim mock.

That's the death touch. Can we just as a liar masterfully done sir? Agreed. As a. To appreciate the, the martial art of lying absolute black belt shit right there. To like fuck up a brick breaking demonstration and say, actually, what you just saw was the death touch.

And that means that I can destroy any brick that offends me. And it happened that only one brick here did. But it is an uncontrollable ancient Chinese magic. Most of you in the room are sterile now, and I apologize for that. I did try to find this clip of PM Magazine. It's not online. But it was verified on Answers.com 10 years ago by someone named Anonymous, who says it all happened. and Frank Dukes is the only person who has ever done a real death touch.

And that's fucking awesome if you ask me and very believable. Was it by any chance my good friend, Frank Anonymous? It just said Anonymous. It did not give his first name. When John later asked me what I thought of the other American Ninja's legitimacy, I referred him to an article John himself had shown me, in which the self-proclaimed authority stated that a ninja would hide underwater for hours by using the wooden scabbard of his sword through which to breathe. I had seen the tactic employed on a Japanese ninja series in Japan.

But this description was merely the product of fanciful writing. Anyone who dives knows that atmospheric pressure makes it impossible to breathe through any object longer than a foot long hose while submerged underwater. The narrow wooden scabbard, a quarter inch in diameter, would measure at least 24 inches. So this guy is so good at debunking things when it's not like his life story. the atmospheric pressure of water would make it. What the fuck? You just said you could kill bricks that offend you.

He's like, well, you see, I tried to make up a lie about this, but I had to fact check my lie in case somebody called me out. And I learned these really interesting facts. So yeah. I love that it's not that like being a ninja liar in the 80s, it was never, it was not just like a job of pure work for you.

It wasn't like a passion job to build yourself up. It was also like a full-time job of tearing other ninja stack. Exactly. It was it was crabs in a bucket for the other ninja. It's just it's rat beefs. Yeah, it's beautiful. And I did talk about this, I think, on the first episode about how when he tried to discredit like the Nixium cult leaders karate, so Frank Duke's is like very knowledgeable when it comes to like saying, oh, you can't be a Kumate champion because that makes no sense numbers wise. Like, come on. And you're little, you can't win a heavyweight fight. Come on. That's stupid. Game recognized game. He knows how to, he knows a lie when you.

sees one. Yes. I just threw that in there because I like that aspect of Frank Dukes, is that he's not a total idiot. He just pretends to be one to tell his life story. As recently as the Draca Martial Arts Festival in July 1993, I was attacked from behind by a 250 pound six foot five inch kickboxer trying to make a name for himself at my expense. I wrestled him to the ground, but was viciously kicked by a number of his karate friends before others separated us. Black Belt reported an erroneous version of the incident, insisting no one was arrested, when in fact, my assailant was arrested following the attack. Shortly afterward, he distinguished his Kumate career on pay-per-view television when he was

pummeled to the canvas within minutes and immediately threw in the towel. So this is, Zane Frazier. He fought in UFC 1. He fought a fucking massive dude named Kevin Roseir. Oh. Yeah. Kevin was a legit sport kickboxer. He's kind of a giant beef monster, but like he's kind of thrown clobbers and kicks,

but they're like weirdly effective. Like it was a crazy fight. Zane grabbed his big ass head, buy the hair and need him right in the dick. Like you'll see one rules were crazy. You could do whatever the hell you wanted. But Zane Fraser looked really good. It was in Denver, so he gassed out pretty hard and then just got, he just ate too many clobbers.

But it was a pretty impressive fight, especially for the era, like the first MMMA. basically ever in in America. And Zane Fraser looked real good. So for Frank Dukes to try to shame him for like, oh, the fucker, he lost a fight. It's like, no, dude, he looked real good. Like, he'd fuck up several modern heavyweights. So he thought it was a flex to be like, and in his first fight, he lost super hog. Yes.

But he did kick my ass. Hold on. Like your need for like revenge to make him look like a bad fighter. Also, like you, even if it was an ambush, he beat you. And like you have said, I'm Marine boot camp. They tried to blanket party me

and I flailed out and killed every man in the room. So like, just getting ambushed by a guy should not like disqualify you from the fight at all if one tenth of what you say is true. Exactly.

So this guy beat you and you're like, and then somebody fucking whipped his ass. So by the transitive property, I'm the only real American ninja. It makes you look so much worse. It's such a bigger loser. It does. He doesn't understand.

Like I say, when he's telling a story about himself, he's really fucking stupid. I found an interview from pretty recently where Frank talked about this. He said that it was for a Bloodsport 2 promotion and he was going to fight anyone who dared face him. That was going to promote the movie Bloodsport 2. They took the name Ultimate Fighting Championship from him because that was his nickname, the Ultimate Fighter. And he turned down.

Yeah, it's super awesome. He turned down a UFC offer. They were going to have Frank Dukes in the first UFC. and then as the boss as the M. Bison. Yes. After you get to the very top, he takes off the Shao Khan mask and says, that was what the ultimate fighting championship was originally. You had to fight all the lesser fighters in order to fight the ultimate fighter.

Yeah. You got to find a Goro. Yeah. There's Goro on that. I think there actually was a Goro in UFC one. It was crazy. Which was Kevin Rozier. Yeah.

That was a Goro. Definitely three goro punches. So just real quick, there's a great photo of Zane Frazier, autographed photo on eBay of Zane of him on his back getting punched in the face by Kevin Rose. Like Kevin Rose. That's awesome. Yeah.

Like I say, there's no shame in the loss. He did really, really well. He probably should have won the fight. He just ran out of gas before he. He just didn't train. Yeah. Quite finished him. I actually have a clip of Frank Dukes' interview.

You know, cutting to the chase, the guy, I embarrassed him. I said, you know what? You really want to fight me, Zane? There's a ring right there. We can step into it right now. Forget all this. Well, that was counterproductive. to what the reason he was there for, and that was to get publicity for this event.

So he got all heated up. People who were laughing at him. He came back like 20 minutes, 30 minutes later with brass knuckles. And while I was bent over signing an autograph for a kid at my just setting up the booth, I hit me from behind. And it shows in my medical conditions. I had a, you know, I have four square indications in my skull from being hit with brass knuckles. But in all fairness to Zane,

I'll show you where I try to keep my integrity. The fight didn't start, end with Zane. It ended with another three, four guys jumping in on me, and any one of them could have possibly hit me. That's why he never got charged. Okay, I want to make that clear. They couldn't identify who is the actual person who hit me with the knuckles,

so therefore he got a pass on that. He was arrested. I was never arrested, And although you look at the way people portray it in the press, we got in a fight over a business deal. No, we didn't. I was hit without warning. The CCTV cameras captured, the CCTV cameras captured me fighting out four top fighters of the U.S. I won't mention their names because it's obviously a publicity step.

I'm not going to hurt somebody, a reputation, who may have made a mistake in their life. You know, that's just my character. I know what it's like to be a fighter. I know what it's like the games you have to play to kind of get attention. get in that and have a career. So, you know, I always have fighters, a fighter's heart. I always think of the other fighters. I'll protect them as long as I can. They know they made a mistake. And that's it. I held my own against him. I ended up with a tremendous judgment. And if not for that judgment, financial judgment in my favor because of what had happened.

And, I mean, it was over quick because you had the camera footage. You had everybody there who saw what happened. It was not an altercation. It was not a fight. I never threw one punch on Zay. So I don't know what he was trick. He was starting to talk about if not for that judgment. And I think he was going to say something like I would have been fucking out on the street.

Like, I think. Yeah. But, yeah, he trailed off. I think he realized that would be embarrassing. I forgot he was a slurper. Just. Yeah. I think he's had some hell of problems.

He's a real gross talker. This may be insensitive, but it's Frank Duke. So I think it's all's fair. This really drilled home just how blessed we are to be like doing this with the book format. Because it's so hard when you just have to sit there and listen to him, go and go and go. And you're like, no, no, hold on. We need to stop because everything you just said was fucking crazy. Yeah.

But he just, that's like the barrage. The barrage just keep going. They couldn't identify who it did it. But if you look at the CCTV. camera. It shows the fucking what. Yeah, I won't say their names, but like go ahead and watch the footage. They're top of FC fighters. A thing that did not exist yet. There was no.

All of them went on to be UFC champions. Yeah, all of them. And I defeated all four of them. This was like the origin story of like every UFC champion. That's actually, there's a, there's a story I love a whole lot about how I think it was in Manchester that the birth of punk rock, the sex pistols came and put on. put on a show and like every major band in like the London punk rock scene like the clash came out like a bunch of people came out of it because the show was so bad they were like holy shit we should start a band and do with this we can't be worse than the sex pistols I wonder if that's if this was that moment for the UFC like all of these guys were just like they couldn't have been UFC champions at the time but they just saw this this fucking nerd getting his ass kicked and they're like I got to jump in on that and afterwards they're like holy shit this is this great be a career for me. Zane's like the joy division of the UFC.

He's up the joint division of the UFC. Oh, so funny. I think it's crazy because I think Napoleon Blone apart made a similar point in a Frank Duke's video. Like something about Frank Duke's inspires that sex pistol story.

It's really funny. He absolutely does. He brought everyone together in like a shared revulsion. He should embrace that. I mean, I've thought about that a little bit Because George St. Pierre was like, Bloodsport is my favorite movie. It's what got me into karate.

So like, this guy's bullshit stories have inspired real tales of greatness. It's like, you can just be like, you know what? I made it all up, but you can't deny the effect that I had on people's lives. Like, he could pivot into just being like, yeah, this shit wouldn't exist without me. Street Fighter of the game wouldn't exist without me. Even to just inspire other liars to be like, look at where lying can take you. like I light my way into Bloodsport and everybody still loves that movie. Make like a catch me if you can, you know?

Yeah, like everybody lean into it. Be the champ. I love that he has four brass knuckle indents in his head to this day. Yeah. I bet he does not. I bet. I like that the brass knuckles has, he's got like this proof that he doesn't present. And also like the reason he didn't get arrested for the brass knuckles.

because he had like karate friends and no one could prove despite the other part of his story has CCTV like filming the whole fucking thing that is also not it's available yeah and you said you could check the records you know that hospital burned down that hospital's gone yeah that hospital burned down like he's got those old impulses where he's like you can't check the records but he's saying this now in like the age of podcasting and stuff we're like hold on we actually can yeah yeah you know you got those old 90s instincts that really like yeah you could just say that and that's just the thing you're like yeah you could just say that and that's just the thing you're people say that sounds cool. No, but people can do it now. Yeah. Well, maybe not now, but they used to be able to. I meant St. Joseph's Hospital, not Joseph's. Joseph's.

Joseph's gone. It burnt down long time. Sam, Sam Joseph's Hospital. He ran a good one. Zane Fraser, you know, punched him through over table, whatever. There's a lot of conflicting reports, but no one, including Frank Dukes, says Frank Duke's won this fight. Which is incredible.

Yes. So he got a restraining order rather than vengeance. he said that the ultimate The final The final labor of ninjitsu You know I have a clip from Zane Fraser too

I just play this Frank says Hey saying He said F off I'm tired of your shit And I walked up to him I said I'm right here kill me right now

And so When Frank Zuz Sebet and so what he did was He went to throw a punch And I faded back I faded back And he missed

And I slipped and rolled And I called him with an overhand right. I hit him with a hook to the head and I hit him with an elbow. And I just start, boom, boom, hitting him knees and elbows kind of like you see in a Muay Thai fight. Body locked him at the time and was just turning him like you see in Thai boxing.

Because he's a big dude. He's about, he's about 6'3, about 2.30. So I was picking him up, kneeing him, and elbow on him, headbutton him, and stuff like that. And then so he got out of it. And then so I've stepped back and I slipped on some papers there. Hold on. What's the rest of the trade show doing at this?

Everybody's watching. Everybody comes over, everybody's crowding over. Jeff Spickman, Benir, Eertidis, everybody. So he tried to, he tried to throw a punch at me and try to put me over his table. But I moved and he fell over, he fell on his table. So I moved around. Now I'm at Jeff Speakman's table. So he comes at me and I hit him again.

Bing, Bing, Bing, Bing, Bing. He tries to throw another punch. He tries to grab me and choke me. So I parry his arms. I hit him with a vertical elbow, horizontal elbow, knee to the body, an elbow hit him again. So now he said back a day and all of a sudden he's mad. He starts bleeding out of his nose.

And then he comes at me, he bum rushes me again. I step back and hit him with seven, eight punches, backing up. And then he finally gives him by my throat, by break his grip. And I pick him up, and I picked him up his feet up above his head. Uchimada. And I body slammed him on top of Jeff's speaking of his head with a broken half. Now I'm beating the snout out of him. He's trying to poke my eyes out, hit by them, knee him in the body.

You know, I just thought about it. That's the first ground and pound, I suppose. And then so I'm hitting him, hitting him, hitting him. And I hear clicks by my ear. They said free those LAPD. So. Damn. He broke the perfect weapons table with Frank Dukes' body.

So I bet he must have eaten like a 200 hit combo with their flying through the air. Just he was like, don't you break this table. Chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop. They do nothing. Betty, the jet was there. Okay, first of all, I believe Zane. I just do. There's a lot more truth to his story.

I don't believe that he remembers every shot in through it. I don't believe. Uchimata, but, you know. I don't believe I do believe that they both tripped and fell into Jeff Speakman's table. That's, which is, where is Jeff Speakman? We need to get, he's got to have a

version of the story. A Roshaman with Jeff Speakman and Betty the Jet. Oh, fuck, that's good. Such a good idea for a movie. It would be awesome. Yeah. Star studded. We can afford that right now.

That's true. Zane's side of the story, obviously, is different. He says they had schools close to each other, that their beef was not a death match challenge, but that their students, they would fight over their students because it was a competitive market. And Zane worked at Ed Parker Kempo Karate School, and Frank Duke's had Franks.

Oh, so he was like tight with the speakman crew. Yeah. Hell yeah. I get the name drop now. Yeah. Yes. Zane would steal all of Frank's students because their school was cooler, like they did more like real fighting.

And Frank was never at his school anyway. And Frank got his revenge by claiming he put a contract out on Zane. He basically told everybody, I put a hit out on him. He was going to be dead soon. Wait, hold on. You think that makes you look tough? He forgot he was supposed to be the hitman. Somebody hires you to do that.

Yes. But the police believed it. so Zane Fraser believed. So he thought, Zane Fraser thought he was walking around with a free, who Frank Dukes' ass pass because when someone puts a contract hit out on you,

you're allowed to like fuck him up. You're going to fucking up. I love it. I agree with him completely. He hired an assassin? It does have like an internal logic to it. Yeah. It seems like in an action movie,

that's how that would work. I'm not a lawyer, but I'm on his side. The man who very literally threatened to murder him, he's going to go fuck him up. So he goes to this convention and then you heard that side of the story. So then the story goes that as he's being taken out in handcuffs,

he runs into Art Davy and Hoyce Gracie. Art Davy put together the first UFC with Hoyce's family basically to promote Gracie's jihitsu. Hoise was obviously like the ringer. And so Hoyce was like sizing him up. And they decide fucking in, you six foot six son of a bitch. That was my audition tape. That's how Zane Fraser

describes it. Like he fucked up Frank Dukes and got a spot in the UFC. And Jeff Speakman, you're out. You didn't do anything. You didn't do anything to defend your table. Benny or Hedas, you're surprisingly out too. What do you do? Yeah. The hoist was like, what did you say that guy's name was? His name was

UFC. He's like, that's incredible. Oh my God. Take it. Steal his name. The defeated coward. This kind of thing did happen, though, back in the 80s. Like, there was like dojo storming for real.

Like in New York, there was a guy Tiger Shalman's karate. That was the karate franchise in New York. And then when the Gracie started moving in, there's like video of it. He like brought his best goons to a Gracie

tojo and they all got choked out in like maybe seconds. I don't think these guys were. Like pre-UFC Gracie tapes are so funny where he's just like people will show up in their kung fu robes and like, we challenge you Gracie's. And they just get bitch slapped for

10 minutes. I love Tiger Shulman was great too because he adopted. He's a businessman. So he's like, you know, I'll fuck it. Well, I'll teach mixed martial arts too. But he like real pedally like renamed everything. It's like this isn't the Monte Leo and it's the chicken wing. Like he just right. It's beautiful. He's like a little New York Frank Dukes himself. This is a beautiful world is what I'm saying. It is. I love it. I love all of it. I'm glad Jeff speaking was there. To do nothing and to lose a table. Does all his autographs are all over the goddamn place now. Oh, that's true.

All of his headshots would be scattered everywhere. Covered in Frank Dukes's blood. My God, if that's on eBay. You guys cost me $100.20 if I'm being honest. You guys cost me. If we're really being honest, $5 is what you guys cost me. If anybody listening out there can find a Jeff Speakman headshot signed with Frank Dukes's blood, you can name your price.

Welcome World Warriors to the second annual hot dog Kumite Supreme Division. You are all here because you are the best fighters your country, school, or local strip mall can produce. Let's get this roll call started. Adrian H. It's like you're fighting frog style. I don't know that one. A lot of jumps, I presume. Alex Nolenbergh, un-Andi, Armando Nava, you're fighting brain style.

That's a classic, notorious warriors. the cranes. Brandon Garlock, Rockway famously loves the meat millie. Christopher Worthen. See you're fighting crab style. Nice. Dan B. Dusty's Red title. Elevator. Fate elevator. Love the name. Can you define for me what magical morality elevator style is? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. That's fucked up. God have mercy on your opponents. Elizabeth Shope. Eric Christian Bird says here you're also fighting crab style. Don't worry, no rule against pinch it. Jello, Greg Cunningham.

Alpha scientist, Javo. You appear to be some sort of shaved beast entered as a joke? Looking around here, actually, let's do this all at once. Please roar or shriek if you're actually a shaved beast entered as a joke. Got it. Toasty God, Matt Riley, Devon, the Rogue Supreme, Timmy Leahy, Mr. Bob Gray, I'm going to need you all to step out of line, but good news, we will be holding an all-naked novelty beats division next month. Get your shot.

Trumpy Phoenix, Harvey Pengweeney, you will be fighting using Uninvited Uncle style? Gross, man. I'll be a law against you people. Up to, but there's not. Welcome to the Kuma tag. Honk. James Boyd. Jared Mountain Man. Jeff Arraski, are you? Are you all Also using crab style? No, no, it's not a problem. We just try to mix it up a little more here in the Kumitae. John Dean, John McCammon, John Minkoff, all good. Joshua Graves, you...

Did you not hear me when I asked all shaved novelty beasts to vacate the line? Oh, you're not shaved. Oh, you have alopecia. What, you are a beast? Let me... no, no, you're right. Nothing in the rule book. You air-butted me, that's a fair play. Justin B.

Katzat Studios. Ken Paisley says here you'll be using gun style. Now does that mean you just brought a gun? No, no rule against it. I'm just I'm honestly amazed nobody tried it before. Uh K&M, Lisa, Leopard Queen, you're fighting leopard style, love to see the classics again. I am curious to see how that will counter gun though. Am Jahi Chappelle, Mark, Max Broy, Michael Lair, you'll be used, You'll be using insane, I don't know this one, insane vehicle style? Oh, oh, I'm sorry.

Michael Lair is an insane vehicle and we'll be using American Fender Kenpo Karate. Gotcha. Mort. Indeed. Neil Bailey. Neil Schaefer. Again, using crab style. What's going on, folks?

Is there a new dojo in town or what? Must be good. Nick Levino, obsolete. Says here you don't have a style and you're just. gonna fucking flip out when you get in there that's that's a solid play orn re weevil Ozzie olin Patrick Hertz is gonna try negotiating all right Peewee's uncle practical ZFS rebrandrew red wine time you're using drunken kung fu okay oh what was it what was that one more time I can't I can't

understand oh no kung fu you're just drunk got it Rianit Russell Fowman Sam Cotnick Sean Logan Chase uses human tornado style. Hell yeah, man. Can you do the noises? That's great. It cracks me up every time. Seed. Taters Tales. Thomas Cavatsos, you're using clone Jutsu. I didn't know that was real.

It's not. It's from a cartoon? Then what are you gonna... Alright, never mind, your business. Tommy G. Felo. Yvonne Clapham. Zach and Eva. Oh, I'm sorry, Zach and Eva.

No tag teams in the Supreme Division. You're conjoined. Can I see where? Oh, excuse me, that makes me the pervert. I'm the pervert for trying to do my job. All right, all right, you know, you have it your way. Super knot. Your crab style.

Hold on, hold on, there's something wrong with the rest of my list. Uh, Jaber, Al Aden, Spotty, Reception, Dean Costello. All crabs? You are. Booster, Brian, Sailor, Sarah. Crab, crab, crab, crab, crab. All the way. down all right wailin russell crab Elliott Watson crab neck of 104 crab David Schult what's that

mud flat fiddler style good I was worried these were all gonna be cr-oh that's a type of crab style okay space jam fan you crab you crabbing okay Victor Malavankan no need to answer I can see you're scuttling right now Craig Lemoy also crab also crab oh fancy shark that's more like it I got you down a shark style in the fancy subdivision. Good on ya pal. What what's that? No you cannot change to crab style this late in the game. I don't care how much fun it looks like they're having. All right all right folks settle down, settle down. Let's get this kumato started if you'll all head in through these doors single file and hey hey craps, craps, grabs grabs grabs, hey stop it crabs, stop pulling each other back. One of you has to go first.