The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - The Secret Men: Part 6 - Action By Proxy with Eddie Doty

Episode Date: September 2, 2026

Seanbaby heads to the bathroom to recruit Brockway and guest, Eddie Doty, for this episode of Secret Men. Eddie reveals his mysterious connection to the world of Frank Dux! Frank Dux reveals he wasn't really connected to a thrilling spy story!

9,000. The official podcast of 1,900 Hot Dog. We're the final comedy website. If you want to keep an entire industry alive, pay the last remaining people writing funny articles at patreon.com slash 1,900 hotdog or don't and force us to pivot to vertical video microdramas. I'm Sean maybe from the internet. And my partner was really, actually, they've got CCTV footage of this trained in

hunk by the CIA NSA and an ancient man he met in the men's room as a boy. He's Robert Rockway. I am Robert Rockway. Here's an additional Robert Rockway fact. Your tax dollars taught me how to fuck. No follow-up questions, though. None. Needed.

They did not get you follow-up questions. Our guest is an editor and a producer. Whose ranged weapons include Cheriekin and jump kick. He's Eddie Doty. Welcome back. It's so good to be back, and especially on the subject we're talking about today. I was getting a little bit of Duke's FOMO. and I'm glad I'm involved in the tail end of it.

The tail end. The tail end. What page are we on? 66. We're on page 66. Of how many? I don't. 316, I guess.

Oh, never mind. Spinoff, spin off podcast. Here we come. We're going to be here until probably 2032, which is fine with me. I think fine with most people. Yeah. Yeah, this is our sixth and probably not final secret men podcast. where I read The Secret Man by Frank Dukes,

if you're just tuning in now, you fucked up, but you're a rebel and a renegade, and the NSA could use a man like you. But first, let's do some plugs. Eddie, are you working on something fun you can tell people about? Nothing I can talk about at the moment. I will simply say, there was something that was going to bring up in this.

Actually, yeah, I'll just tell people if you want to see a fellow slightly Duke's-adjacent fraudster, story, go check out my short film from about 10 years ago called Fighting and Plain Sight about my relationship with famed fraud and murder, convicted murderer, Raphael Toray, which I'm actually about to be interviewed for for another documentary about that. Yeah, old Ralph Bartle. Old Ralph Bartle. That dude is very fascinating.

That's the guy who faked being a BJJ black belt and then went to Abu Dhabi, if I'm getting all these details right, and I think that completely fucking like. Hold inside out. Like, dude, what the fuck? That guy can't fight for shit. I finally saw the, I finally saw the fight because like that first Abu Dhabi is like really hard to get a hold of.

But the guy he fought Bo Hearsberger was like a legit badass. And Bo just just destroys him. But like it's so weird how he's able to hide his lie behind the fact that Bo Hearsberg would wreck like 95% of the population. Right. So it's like it had just no scrutiny. But yeah, go check it out. And there is a Duke's relation. Apparently, and I just found this out recently.

when Rafael was interviewed about his forest karate and ninja tournament, the newspaper that did the article actually interviewed Frank Dukes for a quote. And like Dukes apparently like legitimized it and said, yeah, you get invited, you got to go because they won't invite you back. Is that the word they use for Frank Duke's endorsement? I don't, I don't know. I just, I've heard about the article second hand. I've been trying to get my hands on it.

So corroborated. Karate. karate berated. Karate. I hate it. Jamie Cutter. I think that's a really good strategy, actually, now that you bring it up to like, if you're a faker, just pick somebody really, really good. So that when you, I mean,

you're going to have to lose visibly anyway, eventually. As long as it's too like a super champion, you can be like, well, you know, I don't mind being second toughest in the world. It's like claiming you're, I'm immune. You can't hit me with a car. I'm immune to all the car strikes and then going and getting hit by a train and being like, wasn't a car.

I agree. I empathize with this. I fought, and when I was 18 years old, I fought in this thing called the ShooterCon. And I got knocked out in 14 seconds. But the guy who knocked me out, knocked out everybody else the exact same way. So it's like it really hid how much I sucked at the time. Yeah, in a way, I got second place. You might be the second greatest fighter on the planet.

We can't prove otherwise. We can't prove it. Exactly. Brockway, is there anything you'd like to plug before we get started? started on Dukes. I will plug our other podcast, Bigfeet's. Go listen to Big Feets. We are in the death march portion of the podcast, your favorite part of any podcast,

when it's just a grim march to the end. But it's coming up. We just recorded fourth to last, I think we're at now. Yeah, I think we have four to go. I think we got four left. I agree the show is miserable. That's kind of the sweet spot for my happiness when something sucks real hard. So I'm actually really enjoying our show.

To be clear, our show, the podcast, still great. Still maybe better than it's ever been. Oh, that's... Hell yeah. And let me tell you, it's only going to get worse, parentheses, the show, and therefore better parentheses the podcast. That's a nice way of putting it. We're about to move on to their YouTube series where they lose all of the deluxe super

budget funding from Discovery Travel Channel America Plus. It's just like elderly. meant dying of diabetes and sniping each other on YouTube comments. So it's going to get real interesting. A few episodes. You want to be there for that? Go listen to that. All right.

When we left off, I believe Frank Dukes was trying to explain how there was a New York Times article debunking his Kumete appearance. And that was a conspiracy probably led by the agency. He wasn't sure, but he felt like this was similar to how they debunked Martin Luther King with the FBI. I thought it was a cabal of the most powerful martial arts magazine editors of the time. You've used their massive influence to sway the L.A. Times, I believe it was. Yes, and the examples he used of other decrediting campaigns were Martin Luther King and some nuns.

Yeah, they did me like MLK, is what Frank Duke said to somebody. Hopefully, Markman. Hopefully. Well, and we also discussed the Zane Fraser fight. Oh, yes. So he did get fucked up by a black guy, which is probably what would happen if, if you said they did me like MLK. It's probably because he said they did me like MLK. Yeah, I have a postscript about Zane Frazier, but yeah.

I was going to say, I know you trained with Zane Frazier. I did a seminar with Zane Frazier. I did a two and a half hour seminar with him at Camp Budo, which was like the thing that used to happen at L.A. Police Academy every year. And I met Zane Frazier. and within, I'd say, three minutes of meeting, he had four different excuses about why he lost in UFC 1. He forgot his inhaler. They didn't allow certain techniques.

They made him redo his handwraps, and he got tired. And these are all things that, oh, and he broke something. He broke something like in the first, like 30 seconds. And he did look decent in that fight for like 90 seconds before he completely, like, well sleep. I agree. I actually said nice. things about his fight. It's like for early UFC heavyweight, that was a pretty solid fight.

I'm going to actually accept I got tired as an explanation and not an excuse. Yeah. Yeah. It's like, yeah. Good point. And breaking something, I think it's another good. Yeah. It happens. Not going to win a fight with a broken hand, probably. But he was one of those guys that also said like, the Gracies refused to train me because I was too dangerous. Like he's he's he's not anywhere near Duke's level of fraudery, but he definitely like, there's a reason why he doesn't have like the compelling record, you know. Yeah. We all clocked a little dishonesty in his retelling of the Frank Dukes. Sure. He's like, I hit him with the left and a right and an overhand elbow and then

Uchimata, got him with that Uchimata. And it's like, I'm not, okay. Like described, just like transcribed an episode of Dragon Ball Z, just like each and every punch that had possibly landed. Thank you for naming your favorite Tekken combo. Super appreciate that. But yeah. Yep. And then Jeff Speakman turned into snakes and joined me in the battle. Okay, that part's real. He can do that. That's absolutely true. So here we are.

With the Times article, however, I soon realized that something more sinister and possessing greater authority than small time racketeers and self-publicist lay behind the newsprint and illusion of objective reporting. What the fuck kind of sentence is that? I'm sorry. I'm sorry to pause you on the first sentence, but like that's such crazy word usage. It's like he's going for film noir, but he's like translated it through three different languages. Yeah, that's got real, like, idiot trying to sound smart kind of...

That's like early AI asking like early AI to do like Philip Marlowe narration. Yeah, I was going to... It's like, yeah, he's clearly read a newspaper article. Like, I will say he's read one and tried to do that thing he did, that thing he read like 10 years ago. It's like recreating it from memory. Yeah, he tries a lot of stuff in his writing. Like, I feel like he's taken some creative writing classes or maybe he had like a ghost writer to help him because sometimes he'll like set the scene like a like a freshman in college

in the creative writing class like the the butterflies fluttered as the autumn sun you know like what are you doing frank and this is this is him i think doing is philip marlow um the article was based almost totally upon falsehoods and allegations attributed to unknown or unverified sources refusing to quote such reputable martial artist as ed parker in support of me star of Andy Sedaris's seven. Of seven, yeah. Go look that fight scene up. Fucking amazing.

Ed Parker plays Ed Parker and throws a guy out of a skyscraper and five more things happen before that body hits the floor. And his final move is gone. His final move is like, you're a chump for using karate at all. I'll just shoot you. It's the fucking best. Meant to cast doubts on the authenticity of my achievements. One detail backfired when John Johnson, the writer, implied that I purchased my kumete

a championship trophy from a local trophy company. He based his claim upon a receipt dated 1982, despite the fact I am shown holding the trophy in the November 1980 issue of Black Belt magazine. So checkmate, John Johnson. That was a different trophy I bought from the same store, John Johnson. You were falling into my trap, John Johnson. It is, I guess, true. But again, I think Dukes might have made up the detail of 1982, because,

because he is holding the trophy, the Kumate trophy in the 1980 article. But since the Kumate doesn't exist, I do think he had to buy that trophy. I do think the source of the trophy. I also generally don't think that contests to the death end with a trophy. Well, in the movie, it's a samurai sword. Yeah, like it's usually an object of power or a wish of some kind. Right. Generally, if you, like, enter a contest to the death and sacrifice your humanity to, like,

murder all of the other fighters to prove you are the best. At the end, they don't just give you, like, a little, like, something they, they, little karate guy standing on a podium. They take a little golf guy off. It says champion darts, but, like, I will just cross that out and write. Right, like, the ending cut scene of mortal combat for every character isn't they get a little trophy? That's all I'm saying. Yeah. In Star Wars, they got little medals.

That's true. Yeah, so maybe. All right. Counterpoint taken. When I confronted the Times editor who ran the story, my suspicions were confirmed. Although I offered actual tapes of Kumae fights to the offices of the Times, he declined to watch them and refused to divulge his so-called sources,

or where the newspaper had obtained alleged and erroneous military records. All of these acts. actions were reminiscent of methods I had seen used in the past. When I confronted him with the fact that the article's writer had shown a photo of someone else to Colonel Tompsey, an armed service public affairs officer, identifying the person of the photos as Frank Dukes, he admitted that he had no choice but to run the article. What he told me next, shouldn't have come as a surprise, but the editor's confession still sent a chill through me. North was behind the smear, he muttered.

What? Wait, wait. Oliver North. I ran Contra, Oliver North. My old nemesis. He said it. Like, we've hated each other since we were children. Oh, no.

Really quickly, is this the first mention of Oliver North is like a booklong nemesis for Frank? I think he mentioned his name briefly. Yeah. But not as his personal nemesis. Oh, man. Fucking North. North, damn you! North went to the Times and said,

you got to tell people this karate guy doesn't do karate. Roddy in the same way he did it in the article. God damn. It's the only way to keep the country safe. I'm just even more disappointed in Fox News because they've had Oliver North on a ton, and they have never once questioned him whether he was the one who sabotaged Frank Dukes. Yeah. And you know what?

Suspiciously, I've never seen Frank Dukes on there. I think they're black-falling him. And that's got to be once again, Oliver Norse. Yep. Just like MLK. They're doing him like MLK. the next bit is kind of lame. He,

he, like, called up a lawyer, and then the lawyer was like, hey, wait a minute, you were 17 when Vietnam ended. And then, uh,

then Casey died and he was a singular spy handler. Uh, so Bill Casey had a special deal only for Frank Dukes that he only had the one handler at the NSA or the CIA, whoever he was contracted with. Was he, that wasn't, did he hold Casey's cock in a bathroom?

I think he was the cock in the bathroom guy. Yeah. He was the cock in the bathroom. Okay. Yes. And so Casey was alive and he found an old KGB dart in a series of killings that weren't connected, but Frank was like, I think all these unrelated killings are connected. Don't know why. I guess when you come to Frank Dukes and say, here's 10 people that died, Frank Duke says, oh, cool, these 10 people must be related. So I don't think they brought him a thousand deaths and said, Frank pick the 10 that are related. I think they brought him 10. He says they got to be connected. Also, none of this happened. So I don't. know why he is making it sound so cryptic. He could just say whatever he wanted, right? But that's my favorite, that's my favorite part about

Dukes as a liar, is that there's there's such a like simple lie to get out of so many of these things. I'm like, just just one guy at the newspaper. Like the guy at the newspaper hated me. John Johnson. Well, he has it out for me. That's what most liars would do. And he goes not only the extra step, but the extra like 740 steps to be like,

now we're into like a KGB serial killer conspiracy and like you're going to violate the sanctity of that case by publishing this article. You're like, do you want that on your head? And like, that's a good call because at some point you're like, I know it's a lie, but he's right. I don't. I don't want all the war prisoners of Korea to die because I discredited Frank Dukes. That's true.

Have you heard that, Eddie? That's one of the excuses he, or one of the things he gets upset about is when you make fun of him, it like discredits him and makes it so it's harder for him to negotiate for prisoner exchanges in North Korea, which is a thing he does sometimes. I was always into the impression that was like a one-off situation that was like exclusive to that. If he's still carrying that belief in the year our Lord of 2026, it would be kind of perfect in the way I can't describe. Well, I don't know if it's 2026, but a few years ago, he said it out loud. I would be, okay, I would be completely astonished.

if at any point Frank Dukes was able to be like, well, I'll just acknowledge that part as a lie and let it go. No, it's all like woven into the tab. Yeah. He never goes back. His lies aren't very much house of cards. Like, if he, if you were to ever, like, he has to, he has to defend every single one of them because they're all interconnected. And if like one thing comes to light, then everything comes to light.

And that's like, that's got to be just so exhausting to live that way. Technically, okay, here's a perfect example. Technically, all of this is still happening on. a blind date that went bad. Right. On like a bad first date he's on. This is all the narration of that. So if we track that lie back to like Frank Dukes, you never went on a date.

Oh, God. The all of bloodsport is gone. Like the whole, it's just, it's such a, it's a pivotal foundational lie. Do you know what a lull cow is? Yeah. Thankfully, no. Oh, well, let me explain. It's someone on the internet with like no self-awareness or self-control.

And so people start fucking with him. And then he gets crazy. mad and then the people fucking with him love that and then they start like making it their hobby to fuck with them and then that first person's hobby is now getting fucked with and it is like this arms race they get locked into i think frank dukes might have invented it because he is locked into this arms race against i guess everybody like everyone who looks at this oh that didn't happen um um yes it did and he's like been lalk out for for decades before like we had a term for that That's a really good way of putting it too because like there's very famous, like,

law cows don't really exist in anonymity unless it's like really small communities. So just inherently they tend to be at least like micro famous for a hot minute on the internet. But yeah, I'm trying to think of like a pre-internet version and the only one I can think of as Frank Suks, which is how litigis gets. Yeah, he invented being so pathetic you can make a living, making fun of it. Which we aren't. Which we absolutely. Yeah, I guess that's true.

where the lull farmers it's it's not it's not a position of dignity i'm not happy i said it yeah i don't like it the way it sounds but um but yeah very very clinically that's what we are it's i'm having a fun time though i can see the appeal okay so now um casey has a hunch and his hunch is the same as frank's hunch that all these killings are connected i studied what little information had been gathered thus far the dart had entered the victim's neck beneath the right ear. Based on the angle of trajectory, the murderer had been facing the victim. He's doing dart analytics now? Yeah. He didn't do like a behind the back off the wall dart shot. I just love that he put himself in position of like CSI dart analysis now. Like every skill set.

That's a pretty deep cut. You know, throwing a kick at 72 miles an hour is more or less the same skills as dark placement. You know, so if you understand ballistic. They got to analyze like the CSI has to come by and analyze that guy. skull would be like, oh my God, the foot came from behind him. It'd be cool if there was just like the same CSI guy who has to do all of Frank Duke's dark cleanup. And it just takes one look and he's just like, Duke's, I knew at the moment I had survived on scene. Oh, man.

Yep. When they taught him to fucking the fire retardant system, they're like, all right, but also we're going to do dark forensics. And he's like, oh, this is great. I'm 12 years old. Based on the angle of trajectory, the murderer had been facing the victim, so we deduced that our man was possibly left-handed, and not KGB, who usually shoot their victims from behind targeting the calf. The assassin keeps pace with the target a couple of steps to the rear fires and hastily passes his victim before the pain even registers. The poison sets in and death imitates a heart attack.

In this case, the particular poison was not only outdated by a decade of new technology, but its shelf life has. had expired, although it had still proved lethal enough to work. The weapon must have been someone's war trophy and carried for years. Some clue. So there's a few questions, but I just have one main one. If the poison kills you in a manner that looks just like a heart attack, couldn't he just say the poison gives you a heart attack? That's one way to put it. I also point out that like if a poison gives you a heart attack, I think you're done upgrading it. There's no reason for like a poison 2.0. There's no like, God, these poison updates, I can't keep up with them.

It kills you, but behaves exactly like a heart attack, but it's not a hard attack. And also, can I just say what bullshit it is? Like, I have long held this suspicion that, like, these poisons, they don't expire. That's the manufacturer just wanting you to buy new poisons. That's it. This was a stale poison. It's still killed just fine. Do not.

If you've got poison out there, Don't listen to the fucking manufacturers. Yep. Keep your poison. It's fine. It doesn't expire. Always good. Yeah.

It's a waste of money. Liars. It's like honey. Yeah. It's like honey. Or an iPhone 4. I'm still using the iPhone 4. It has four minutes of battery life.

It's the best. Okay. So he goes to New Jersey to find where the body was. He doesn't find anything. Someone left a dead body in an alley for two weeks, and that was a long time ago. And so, yeah, he says all of the reasons it could or couldn't be any number of countries. He basically, every detail he gets, he goes, this could mean this or it could not mean that. And so then he goes home after discovering nothing.

Again, this is his, these are his lies. He took a trip to look where a dead body was and discovered nothing. I'm doing your favor by not reading it. It sucks. Frank is a big idiot. It is a frequently overlooked step. Like when you see in a lot of television when they have like a character

that is very smartly have like a genius character but it's a very stupid person writing it they forget that the core of like deduction is knocking out things. So like a smart person will just endlessly spin off. It could be this, this and this. It could be the forbidden tribes of Zimbabwe and like they'll just keep spinning

over and over and over until it could be an infinite and like actual intelligence looks like the actual detective work would be the opposite, would be knocking things down. So I think he's just like, so much of this is, is poor Frank, like, reeling from the abuse of, like, 80s and 90s television? And maybe even, like, into 70s, 70s, 80s and 90s television of, like.

Poor Reacher, if you want to watch something today. Yeah, Reacher does that where he'll like, I know you hate that show, but Reacher will be like, oh, look, there's some smudge here. That means that the killer recently had a cigar. And you're like, okay. Anyway, it's maybe Frank Dukes had a writing credit on that show. Oh, that would make a lot of sense.

If that, if, hold on, if Ritcher is just Frank Dukes, but every live is true. Like that, that's, that's, yeah, that's exactly. Is Richard truth laundering Frank Dukes' story? Like, is that, is that what is he? And also, just the concept of Frank Dukes script doctor is, uh, is too exciting to, like pass up. well he did that once for the quest and it's a pretty good movie but uh but also you frank dukes brings with him a lot of other stuff like he might say that his the contract got burned up at a fire and you still owe him several million dollars yeah you never know you never

know um but god damn that's the problem with shitty dishonest men is they they they bring trouble with but the tradeoff is you get lines like now he's moving like a snake um yes actual line of dialogue. In fact, I'm pretty sure I quoted either that one or the tiger one. I'm not surprised at all. Okay, so we pick up after Frank goes home from a very, very failed trip to New Jersey to investigate where a dead body once was. But my new job was full of surprises. When I got home, a message was already waiting, instructing me to go immediately to a phone booth in Westwood, where I would receive a priority message.

Get your ass in gear, Frank, Casey barked over the phone. We've got KGB in Hollywood. I want you there. If he's just able to say that over the phone, why does he have to go get a secret message from somewhere? Oh, that's a good question. I think. No, hold on.

The point of doing the phone thing is because you've got to keep your cover. So like the call is supposed to be, he's pretending to be a water delivery or something. I mean, you've got to go here to get your fresh aqua, fresh aqua, Frank. And then I'm going like, oh, I know exactly what that. That means. If he's like, you got to go learn about your secret, top secret KGB assignment. You can just tell him.

Yep, I agree completely. Frank doesn't know any of this works. That's what I'm saying. It's like this is like TV brain. This is 80s action hour drama brain. Like did a number on him. Like, but like bad TV. Like he's sub-Migiver.

Like he's, oh, we're not talking, MacGyver. Are you kidding me? Yeah, we're not talking. Come on. Okay, so now it's KGB in Hollywood. That's the Chapter 9 title. And I'll just start reading from the start of the chapter. Now this was more like it.

Action! After the frustrating dead ends, dead bodies that weren't even fresh, the drudgery of investigative work. And working cases with next to nothing to go on, I needed a bit of excitement. And being in on a KGB bust was just with the doctor ordered to get my adrenaline pumping. So he has been. I guess assigned to whatever the KGB investigation organization is.

I don't know who's doing the investigating, whether it's the CIA, the NSA, the FBI. I think Casey is NSA. Maybe he'll explain it. Here we go. Reports that a Soviet refugee family living in West Hollywood was being terrorized by the KGB seemed outlandish at first. Reports of KGB persecution usually turned out to be anything. From internal family squabbles to rival gangs attempting to claim governmental assistance

from the United States or wanting to cover up the nature of their own criminal activities under the guise of having suffered political repression in the homeland. The rival gangs are trying to get welfare? Yes, I think that's what Frank Dukes is saying. That's the gangs master plan is to like get. Classic right-wing talking point of local street gangs. All the gangs want to be on welfare. And this is the 80s when like it wasn't that much money?

Like, I, man. Yeah, I don't know. I guess KGB people got government assistance because you know how the government's like, oh, cool, you're like a Russian foreign national with criminal ties. Yeah. Yeah, we can give you a stipend for that. Obviously. You get food stamps.

You get food stamps. Yeah. Here's your $400 a month. It's only accepted at specific locations. There you go. It's a master plan. You cannot buy soda with that. You are not allowed to buy soda.

That is a waste. No wonder. No wonder the Soviet Union fell. Like this is, I mean, it's just not a great money-making model for them. Well, everybody left to get these sweet government handouts. Claiming that the KGB was after him could give a crook, a sense of importance, and instant legitimacy. Uh-oh. In naive American eyes.

Self-awareness. Self-awareness stuff. It's creeping up. He dodged that one good, though. Like a KGB dart whiffing by his ear. He just walked past the mirror. He didn't actually look into it. But he got a little jolt in like a single beat of sweat.

down the side of his face just from catching. What he was able to see in his periphery, he did not like. That guy seems like a piece of shit. But he has heard about a plot where Russians are torturing the family of Russians living in West Hollywood to blackmail them from information. He doesn't know what kind of information. He doesn't say where he learned that. The important part is he's done with all that bullshit, boring ass fuck off detective work. Yes.

You don't see a lot of the Sherlock characters be like, oh my God. It's time to do detective work. Jesus Christ. He is trained in sex karate, so like this probably does suck. This is the worst part of the job. Okay, so what was unclear was the nature of the information that KGB wanted. No one was sure if this case was political or spillover from the world of underground crime in the Soviet Union. Also uncertain was whether the KGB in this case operated with full and acknowledged governmental approval,

or if this was another case of powerful individuals within the KGB misusing their authority. As I would learn, even more forcefully on later missions, elements within the KGB and the Russian mafia often worked hand in hand. So he knows how all of this works or doesn't. None of it's clear to me. Did he just say like it's either this thing or this other thing which I just said? Or this thing or this thing or a third thing or the third and fifth thing working together. Yeah. Is what I mean about like thinking genius is just saying more things, just adding more things to it until it's smart?

It was either white and blue or possibly tope and cyan. Like it was, you know, it's just could have been read. No one knew, especially me, the guy making it up. So Casey is giving Frank a mission to investigate. Even though the KGB wasn't involved in the killings that he was investigating earlier. Because he's bored. Yes, because KGB shoots you in the leg, the calf. And so shooting someone in the neck, that's not KGB.

So, and also remember the killer of killers, fish? This is not related to that either. This is just... I thought it was leading up to be fish. No, no, this is just KGB side mission. This is just a side mission? God damn it. I think so.

I thought that's where this was going. It's like, okay, it's fish. He's setting up, it's going to be fish. He's just bored, so he's starting. to do in side missions? Like main quest, main quest started dragging. Got to go run some factions? Sure. Is this getting his, um, God, I don't even know what organization he's working for right now. His instructions had been explicit. You know as well as I do that our hands are tied. He growled. Of course, what we do under the table is another matter. We can't just directly take over this

situation. Too many little agencies are involved. And we don't want to step on anyone's toes, not to mention that this is domestic. And we're not even supposed to be there. Okay, so I guess he's CIA now. And that's what I've got for you, son. I want you there. I want the whole mission monitored. Don't interfere and don't do anything to expose your cover. But I want everything reported to me.

Got that everything. I want to know what those fucking commies want. We're not going to let them come over here and play their dirty tricks. Not if I can do anything about it. Oh, no, but I want to do sex karate. No, not more spy work. He fucking, he hates it. Brian Chapman, a supervising detective with LAPD's major crime

violators unit known as the MCV and referred to behind close doors as the LAPD secret hit squad had a little idea of what awaited him that evening. He knew only that he had a job to do and it involved the FBI and the KGB. Now that that sounds like needlessly broke, needlessly cruel and extremely stupid. And so I'm I really want to say like oh Frank Duke's none of that's real, but it's cop, so it might be real. It might be. He's making up unity. He's making up units. I don't exist. Yeah. I've never heard of the major crime violators unit, and neither has Google. It sounds stupid, but also it's cops.

Yeah. I bet there's some cool squad names in the cops. Like, they're like, all right, we're LAPD, but like, we call ourselves Murder Squad. You know, the MCV is a mobile command vehicle. So, like, so it's weird they have an acronym that they already use for something else. It happens all the time that you're like, I wanted the major crimes violators. And they're like, oh, I brought the truck. Sorry. Yeah, dude, you got to be more clear.

Also, major crime violators? So they violate, they violate crime? They violate criminals. They're sexually charged word. Are you sure that's what they're called? It's major criminals. There's a word for crime violators. It's criminals.

It's like, you know, like, no, no, no, we violate the crime. We are the violators of crime. It reminds me of that scene from extra. where he's like, do you know what SAA stands for? Super Army soldiers. Yep. That's exactly what it reminded me of. You know, yeah, special air service.

No, no, no, no. Super Army soldier. Chapman wasn't alone. All major police departments worldwide employ secret units like the MCV called Zombies, since most of the work is conducted on the graveyard shift. But new collaboration was in place

for this particular mission. Chapman was part of a newly formed seven-city Westside Task Force geared to create a manpower pool and coordinate assignments that affected common or adjoining regions. The task force had recently overcome bureaucratic obstacles, territorial disputes, and petty politics in order to be instated. A board of directors made up of the police chiefs of the cities involved assigned cases and priorities and the task force was on call for emergency cases. This mission would prove its value. So he has invented an entire like inner county logistical system

not explained how it worked and this is their starting mission this is the test run pilot of the program and they call over the sex karate expert to I guess back it up every once a while in his just like stream of consciousness live on it that comes out of him

he'll pause because he'll land on something is, you know, they're like, oh, they call them zombies because they all work the graveyard shift and that's where the real action happens. You're like, yeah, that's the tagline for a movie. Oh, watch them. Yeah, yeah. That whips ass. You can only make it in 1989.

Don't, don't make it now. The windows pass. But if you made it in 1989, this would be like one of my favorite movies. It's just, it's amazing he's able to stumble on that every once for a while. It does. I feel like there's a greater chance than this story being true, a greater chance that, like, Time Traveler came back and showed him five TVs at once and one movie and one screen has like Sicario and one has like four seven from chips and one has like the plots of like five

different like ninja government related things and then says these stories haven't occurred yet do with them what you will and and he like as best he could remember just little fragments of details about like movies that he's doing a hot tub time machine of movies that haven't happened yet it's just that's a greater chance of that happening than any of the things he's describing I think it's very funny that he also like there's a touch of weird bureaucracy in there like to lend it some legitimacy so like somebody came back and showed him 4-7 and then they showed him American Ninja and then they they showed him like a Godfrey ho movie and then just one TV in the background was playing the wire yeah he's like yeah got a little like 10% of

the wire in there yeah yeah it's it's so weird that he would create details like this and then also fuck up so profoundly with like, oh yeah, they measured my kick at 72 miles an hour. Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

Like, yeah, but they didn't have a radar gun, pal. I will say this. Now, he did, he did like, I think he did like seven weeks of boot camp

before he got kicked out or whatever. Like that's the verifiable record. I will say this. Like military life is by and large is very boring. I'm saying this is like I signed up to be an ammunition special. and dispose of like ammunition. Sounds rad as hell. The vast majority of what I remember is just paperwork, form labels, accounting systems.

Like that is 80%. You did explode a couple times. I mean, that's, that was fun. But not enough to write a book about. Like it's like, sure. But no, but like the thing is is that like I think that's the one true experience he's like mining is the endless amount of logistics and paperwork that goes with like day to day military life. It's like, that's like, that's. the window he glimpsed into because he

fucking washed out after nine weeks or whatever and the idea that like oh I could have had a whole career of fantastical forms to fill out had I only say it in and this is him like working through that. Yeah it is definitely I think that's why it's also like it adds just a little bit of believability

it's like the only thing adding believability because like he'll bookend it with I banged up a hot broad to death and then on the other side like I kicked a man in half in between there was a lot of forms I kicked a man in half, and you know what that means, form 26, 814. You're like, well, maybe that's a, hold on, maybe that's a real thing.

They have to book it as two corpses. I'm not saying he did it, but maybe you, maybe the form is real. There's a truth to all these little lies, yes. My job involved remaining in the shadows and observing exactly what went on. So that's it. They're just like, hang out over here, Frank. Yeah, don't do anything. Don't, Frank.

Please don't do any sex correct. I swear to God if I see any sex correct. Okay. Just shadows. He uses the word shadows a lot in this chapter. The shadow trial. Oh, God, that's right. He's the part of the shadow tribe.

Because to look upon a spy is to look upon the moon. The moon, the face of the book. Oh, boy. The plan was fairly simple, but dependent on the right timing. And personnel who knew what they were doing. Overall, it looked like a good group to me. but I also knew that coordinating agencies and departments was always tricky. Okay, so then...

Is he going to do a roll call? Are we going to do a squad roll call? No, he's mostly just complains about paperwork again. Let me skip ahead here. Oh, no. That could have been a roll call, Frank. Think of all the eyepatches he would have added. The KGB weren't so big and bad.

Piece of cake. I took up my position well ahead of the meeting time. Disguised as a plumber. I had scouted the block settled on an observation position across the street and several doors down, where I could set up my scope in the rear of a garage, hidden behind storage boxes and well, within the shadows. Within the shadows.

I could survey the area and keep an eye on the drop point. I had dug in. No matter what happened, I couldn't risk direct involvement or any action that might give me away. Once I was set up, I did what I seemed to do much of in the business. Wait. I had my radio ready, with a tiny earphone nestled in my ear, monitor the radio transmissions as well as visually eyeballing the mission as it went down. Oh, visually eyeballing. That's the best kind. The ocular pat down. The plan was a good drone,

but I worried about one aspect in particular. Frequencies were hard to come by, and units had to feed in when and where they could. It seemed ironic to me that the airwaves were full of every kind of music and any idiot could get on the air to express half-cocked and often useless opinions on talk radio, but law enforcement couldn't even get a secured frequency on sensitive missions, of the public well-being. It was only one of the many obstacles they faced. Later on in my career, I got to know those challenges even more intimately when I did additional field work, including advisory positions in Connecticut, and even a short stint with NYPD's Technical Narcotics Task Force Manhattan South, just as an observer, of course. I was definitely impressed with the NYPD's

dedication, toughness, and fairness in the face of what seemed an impossible job for me. Used to handling things in my own way. Their patience and restraint seemed almost superhuman. I don't know a lot about radio, but is it true? Anybody out there can fill this in that a big problem is that there aren't enough frequencies? Not a frequencies. Too much talk radio. I think a lot of radio operators would agree to that.

See, I was up the opinion that there were like near infinite frequencies and like it's just, you know, your radio, your receiver of whatever is only tuned to accept a certain amount of them. Yeah, I don't know. This is actually, I think, maybe what he received his military training in. I think he had, like, radio school for a weekend or something. So this is him, I guess, trying to write what he knows. I'd be interested. I'd be interested to know if that's true.

Yeah. That's one of those things that, like, it sounds good. But isn't that right? It's always sunny. You brought up always sunny. I'm going to bring it up again. This is the, like, well, that doesn't sound true, but I don't know. enough about stars to dispute it.

Like, it doesn't sound right, Frank. That's the problem is they're trying to talk, but they keep getting rock and roll and like dickheads on the radio and drive time. I, I've just, I've seen a lot of like cop and army movies and it's never, ever happened that one of them is like,

get all, oh, I ran out of frequencies, Howard Stern's interrupting our mission. But also like, I mean, CB radio literally stands for civilian band radio. Like, you know what I mean? It's like a whole category of stuff that you don't ever have to worry about. And it's, oh, God.

Well, it's also to set something up. I literally legitimately, I did not assume that because after like, I assumed, the last time I assumed it was setting something up, I assumed that whole KGB side mission was to like loop fish back into the story. And that turned out just be nothing, just a dead end. So I thought this was another dead end. I'm sorry. Well, I guess this is still the KGB admission because here he says the KGB pickup

agent came into view halfway down the block. He's got like information. Walking briskly down the sidewalk, from his manner, he was either extremely cool or believed he was totally safe. Even if he ran into trouble with his victim, he evidently had confidence in his backup. Little did they know

that the MCV, along with the FBI and West Hollywood law enforcement personnel, had cordoned off the area and would block escape routes once the foreign agents had entered the area. The KGB agent had already put his head in the noose. It was tightening around his neck without his even being aware. The Russian on the street corner

spotted the KGB pickup man approaching. His body tensed and I could tell he was forcing himself to stay put and not get the hell out of there while he could. Only a few more moments in the exchange would be made. That would trigger the signal for the task force to go into action. I heard the radio suddenly crackle on my earphone and then a voice shouting, it's gone down. It's gone down. Grab him, grab him. What was going on? Contact hadn't been made yet. And moving in was premature. Sure. Was the whole mission fucked? Where had the others come from? Later, we would learn that our radio frequency had been preempted and unknowingly used by another tactical unit 15 miles away in the San Fernando Valley. The cobra unit was coincidentally also working a kidnapping case, and we had

erroneously received their go-ahead. So this is a goddamn cobra kidnapping task force all over again. So of these infinite frequencies, you just happened to be interrupted by another really cool one that you should have been on. It's not like a guy trying to try to order a lawnmower part from the next state or something. You're like, no, it had to be a cool with kidnapping.

It had to be a cobra. Cobra invaded our radio bandwaves. Two points here. One, it dawns on me. I cannot tell because of his writing style and the depth of his lies when he's using metaphor or when he's actually trying to describe

the physical events that are happening. So when he says like the noose is tightening around his neck, I legitimately, I'm like, is he being literal or is he being metaphorical? I truly have lost where I am in the story. That's number one. He meant all of the four, the various forces and teams are closing in on him, including a van. With the rope around his neck. But no, and then the other thing. So, yeah, okay, you're in WeHo and another tactical unit's shit in San Fernando Valley is interfering.

I call horse shit. There's a massive mountain range in between those two areas of the city. You will not get interference from those two things that is literally impossible. I don't disagree. I do think this is an insane detail that in his own area of expertise, he should have known that he made the lie wrong. But that's, I mean, that's how unpredictably is. That's how they trained him when he was a child to make love with strawberry jam. Do you remember that one photo we found, Sean, of Frank in like a black trench coat?

and he's got a table with like just like civilian grade comms. He's got like a walkie-talkie, a cell phone. Like he's just, it's literally just things you could buy it Best Buy. And he's got like a black trench coat, a turtleneck, and black gloves. And it's like, that's his spy outfit. Come with me into the Nuncheck Room. It's got a garage door opener down there. How do you explain the garage door opener?

I can open any garage in my house. I only have a one. It doesn't matter. It's the best. It's such a funny idea that that would prove he was a spy, like just his, like, his gadgets. But God damn it, the time that he was in, I mean, you could just go to certain, and if it didn't work, can people laugh you out of there? You just go to the next town, baby. Try it again.

You'll land one. I think this is going to pick up here. The KGB car jumped the curb and raced down the sidewalk. Trash bins went flying as the car careened across lawns, sworeved to avoid trees and smashed hedges, leaving awake. of destruction. The car's mad flight came to an end as it crashed into a cement block wall. The driver immediately fled the car, with unit officers in pursuit. Meanwhile, Chapman's feet pounded against the pavement and the softer ground as he pursued the KGB man on foot across yards and down an alleyway. From my own experience, I suspected that pursuit occupied

the whole of Chapman's concentration. But when the KGB agent suddenly halted, turned and fired two rounds directly at his pursuer, instinct probably took over and Chapman threw. himself out of the line of fire. I held my breath, hoping he wouldn't go down. He didn't. He returned fire, three rounds in quick succession from his 38 detector special. Shooting on the run isn't easy, and hitting your target isn't usually a matter of skill as much as of luck. Chapman knew what he was doing, however. Which shot did the trick? I'm not sure. However, the Soviet agent went down for good, the recipient of a single well-placed bullet. As the result of that shot, the KGB's reputed number three man in the United States, considered one of the

finest senior operatives in the KGB's history, and only in his 40s at the time. Ended his colorful career faced out of the gutter. And Brian Chapman distinguished himself as the only police officer in L.A. history to have killed a known KGB agent while in the line of duty. Seems like something we could check. I did. I couldn't find it. I also like appreciate the time Frank Duke takes in the middle of describing this like heart racing action to speculate on how the KGB

guy felt like he was probably like a little busy right here. I was probably I imagine he was feeling this way. Yeah. Yeah, he got a really, that must have been a really well positioned trash can that he was hiding behind. Oh, absolutely. The action of the, the car, the, the, the high speed foot chase through the alleyways. The wake up destruction. He squeezed off three rounds of my direction as I imagine how proud his father must be of him. That's a good point that he he was dressed as a plumber in the shadows. Notoriously where you find plumbers. Like, if it becomes suspicious again, dude,

if you're dressed as a plumber and lurking in somebody's shadows. Like, what the, what the fuck is that? To be fair, it was 1980s West Hollywood. I'm just going to say that. Like, there's a greater than zero chance. Oh, you're right. That was like, that was definitely a thing. You wanted to get, you wanted to get, coming out of the foxhole theater, solid chance.

Yeah, it was code. It was. I made the little plumber play. You hook that up? Okay, so here's some more details in case you want to look them up. Chapman retired from the LAPD Police Department and nowadays works as Director of Operations for Intel security systems, a high-profile security firm engaged in everything from rent-a-cops to international protection services. In 1992, Chapman solicited me to join the firm, but I had other matters to attend to.

I wouldn't mind working for the guy like Chapman, however. He's straightforward a noses business. Uh, anyway, couldn't find anything about this. Doesn't, I mean, this was in the 90s. So who knows? Maybe all the records were destroyed. Did we even keep records that long ago? Of all the things to make up with your amazing, with your beautiful lying powers, a, a decent job that you turned down is, yeah, it feels like a lowering of stakes.

He had other matters to attend to. I could have had a nice corporate job, but I didn't. What could those matters? have been. Like, why is he being coy? This is a book where he's confessing to like multiple extrajudicial slayings and like all kinds of like secret government spy work. And he's like, yeah, I had stuff to do. I don't want to get into it. But trust me. You have to assume that that they were just like chores. Like, I had a lot of ironing to do that day. The other, the other part of this is like he's in, he's working for what, the NSA or the CIA or

whatever? All the above. Why? Why? do they need to partner with the LAPD? Like, what is the LAPD going to get them access to that they don't already have with, like, a significantly larger budget? You know what I'm saying? Like, I just like, it's literally the plot of Sicario. Like, it's just, it's, but. Well, hold on.

You didn't, they didn't describe these KGB agents. Okay. One of them could have been Emily Blunt. I guess he's the Emily Blunt. Like, they had to attach an NSA guy to the project. No, he's, he's always the Josh, what's his name? He's always that guy. Like in the Josh Borla guy.

Yeah, but I think in the story he's made, he's like attached to it to get some sort of interagency like go ahead, I think. Sicario is a more complicated movie than I remember now that I'm trying to recall the entire film in my awesome movie. But yeah, maybe I'm maybe I'm not remembering every detail right. Okay, so the last three paragraphs here on page 77. As for me, I didn't like standing on the sidelines. GGB bust have been exciting, but I hadn't played an active part, and the whole innocent and seemed to disappear in the thin air. Why'd you put in your book, then, you fucking asshole?

You can't, is that... He really just that I was not involved, and it had no bearing on anything? Yeah. I think I'm just reading it because I wanted someone else to be mad at it with me. No, this is what I mean. If I find out that the sections you've been skipping are like this, we're doing those sections. We're going back.

And this one end until we've covered them. They're all important. You're right. It's not just able. I didn't just include this pointless story in a book. It's in my autobiography. This is a meaningful part of my life story. And at the end of it, I have to say, I didn't go anywhere.

Yeah. It's just dressed like a plumber near some real botched shit. All right, no follow-up investigation occurred. No charges of any sort were filed in conjunction with the case, and all traces of the KGB agents disappeared as well. The members of the task force who participated, even Chapman, had been instructed not to make contacts in reference to the investigation. The contents of the envelope were never revealed. I was puzzled. The FBI, not to mention the West Hollywood and L.A. police departments, needed all the good publicity they could get.

Why weren't they crowing over their success and playing up the activities of the KGB in the United States for all the propaganda a mileage it was worth. I came up with two possibilities. Possibly the whole extortion slash kidnapping story had been invented to provide cover for an operation designed to lure agents into the open through the use of contacts within the Russian emigrant population, using as bait potentially secret information that did not in reality exist, or else some important strategic political reason existed for hushing up the whole incident. So it could be either one of those things. A reason? specific thing that we were actually using these immigrants as bait to get them killed by the KGB or something political.

Yeah, it's, it could have been. It's like a, it's like a T-shaped diagram with like a large like block of text on one side and it's just like, no, whatever on the other. Or anything. Or anything. It could have been this extremely specific scenario or something else. Force majeure. Who knows?

Oh, wow. Anyway, Sean, that's why you didn't find anything when you looked into this. That's exactly You fucking idiot Fucking chatman deleted all the envelopes I fear for your safety After this podcast episode comes out

But like truly truly Like you're reading this aloud In 2026 Like they Oh man Somebody's gonna have to clean the record The funny part is This is actually his time

Isn't it? This is like Why is he not excelling right now This should be Frank Duke Should be like This is a Frank Duke's world We're living in Frank Duke should be

The Secretary of Defense I mean dude Like, there was a time when a lot of the current, like, appointees were happening where, like, it would have been, nothing would have surprised me. Like, you know. That's what I'm saying. It's like, the only requirement is that you're, like, a prolific enough, not even a good, they're not even good liars. Frank Dukes should be king. This should be your time.

What are you doing? He should be running like an AI Facebook empire. He should be running the entire Justice Department or Defense Department. Seas, if you're listening to this, sue us by all means. It'll be really funny. But after that, get into politics. What are you doing? Call the president.

Say, I'm the guy for, I know the president likes the movie Bloodsport. That was a real difficult moment for me to know that I shared a favorite movie with the biggest piece of shit. But like, yeah, just call. The problem is, is that if you were to go to Frank Duce today and say, hey, why aren't you running a large AI company and working for the president? and he would probably tell you he already is. You know, like, you probably just say like, of course I am. And it's called, it's called Drew Lach and come up with like some crazy acronym for it. And like, it's called cool name Cobra Twilight Shadows.

I guarantee you Cobra would be in the name of something he alleged. Hell yeah. There's no way. Like Trump loves blood support. We know that. It's his favorite movie. There's no way he doesn't already assume that all of that is true. Like you would have to do zero amount of work.

you would have to show up and be like, I'm the guy they base bloodsport off of. And like, you would just get a job right away. He might give you his job. Anything Frank Dukes told Trump, no one could convince him otherwise. You get the most persuasive man on the planet. Be like, okay, that guy was lying to you, president. He'd be like, shut the fuck up. That guy was the ninja from Bloodsport.

Yeah. And he'd be right to say that. Yep. Agreed. That's more credibility. I just don't understand why he's not king of the world. Like, I keep flashing back to, like, God, the 90s were such a, the 90s, the 80s, the 70s, it was all such a golden era for liars. But, like, we are now post-internet golden era for liars.

It's come full circle, and he's not thriving. Why aren't you thriving, man? You deserve this. The longer I sit with this idea, the more comfortable I am with it. Like, I would like to see Frank Diggs fail up to run the Department of War. Like, it would, every day I think the news would be funny to me. Whereas it kind of hasn't been for a while. Like the Department of Bloodsport.

You know he would. Oh, man. He's so fucking sweet. He would rename the CIA to be the cabal of shadow twilight warriors or whatever. All right. I'm in. I'm on board. I'm on board.

You don't need to sell me anymore. And then like our like absent minded like brain rot a president would be like telling reporters are like, what? We've been at war with Iran for too long. And he's like, we just dropped 20 ninjas and in the heart of Iran. And you're like, oh, that's a fucking. He'd say shit. like that all day long.

That's Duke's. Duke's, yeah. That's a Duke's one. And then you could, uh, you could, uh, can all take a drink. It would be cool if he could like lie and make up hold department names that he just came up with on the fly, you know, that could that, that would be like a real contribution, you know, to like, it just come up with like, like, like a shield or like a, you know,

a, you know, like, it's just whatever. Just like, and then that way, whoever takes over after could like actually have to like figure out if these things exist. and then you'll forever get the speculation of like, no, it does exist, but it's so off, but you'll never find it. There would be, you know there would be a story. Within a year of him taking power, there would be an absolutely monumental story in the news about like a secret seal team that he sent in into Iran getting fucking massacred because he dressed them all in Navajo White. Oh, man.

All right, I'm going to read the last bit of chapter 9. Here we are. Whatever the case might be, there was nothing more for me to do. I spent my time training and teaching. That was that mission where he dressed as a plumber and watched a car crash. Contributed in his words. Not at all. I spent my time training and teaching.

Several months passed, and I'd almost forgotten about the mysterious case that left unknown corpses but provided no killer. Now and then I wondered if I'd ever even hear from Casey again, I'd begun to think that my new job might be terminated as quickly as it had begun. I should have known better. Just when I'd almost lulled myself into believing that it actually had a normal life, I received a notice to check my drop. The message there provided the time and date when I'd be contacted.

I merely expected orders. To my surprise, the old man himself phoned me. Bet you thought I'd forgotten you, he laughed. To tell the truth, yes. I figured I'd been placed on early retirement. Hell no, you're too valuable, son. There's only one kind of early retirement for you, the permanent kind. And I hope for both our sakes that you avoid taking it.

He cleared his throat in that rasping, gravelly way he had. I've been busy. Besides, I'm sure there'll be times ahead when you wish I had forgotten all about you. He chuckled. Obviously, Casey wasn't going to give me the time or opportunity to sulk. We've got another link in the murder chain, Frank. East St. Louis. You've already left, correct?

when Casey wanted something to be true. His people made sure it was. So I left for East St. Louis almost immediately. This was the beginning of what I came to experience time and time again over the years. What the DCI had said happened, did happen, even if the facts had to be arranged afterward. Another little bit. Just glimps the mirror there. Just a little bit of self-awareness coming out.

Finally, it's been bugging me the entire time, but like the authorial voice, that he has, it has felt very familiar this entire time, and I finally just clocked what it was. And he writes this book the exact same way that Rob Leifield wrote the script for the movie he wanted to make about the rise of image comics. And if you've ever read that, there's like a scene where they like walk in on mass to Marvel to quit, start their own company, and they've got sunglasses on. And like, they're like the hottest thing in town. And like the way they write the editor of Marvel comics is like, buddies, you can't leave now, you're the

hot thing on the streets. Like, it's that kind of, it's the kind of, that's a kind of voice. And then the other, the other thing is that this whole chapter very much feels like a post-sweeps episode of like an hour long crime procedural in the 90s

where like they've done the big stunt, they need that one episode that takes up very little budget before going into like the second half of the season. So it's like, it's like they can't Ford as many stunts. They don't have as much room for guest stars. It's like we just need like a solid episode and we don't want to do a clip show.

So this is what we're doing. Yeah, this is the episode where McGiver hides behind a trash can and just watches somebody else having an adventure. We got this old car crash from T.J. Hooker. We could use this footage. We got a plumber's out. Guy has a guy dressed like a plumber going, whoa. Well, and then at the end, a little voiceover.

And that had no bearing whatsoever on anything. The end. Welcome World Warriors to the second annual Hot Dog Kumite Supreme Division. You are all here because you are the best fighters your country, school, or local strip mall can produce. Let's get this roll call started. Adrian H. It's like you're fighting frog style. I don't know that one.

A lot of jumps, I presume. Alex Nolenberg, an Andy. Armando Nava, you're fighting crane style. That's a classic, notorious warriors, the crane. Brandon Garlock, Brockway famously loves the meat millie, Christopher Worthing, see you're fighting crab style, nice, Dan B, Dusty's Red Title, Elevator, Fate Elevator, love the name, can you define for me what magical morality elevator style is? Uh-huh, uh-huh, that's fucked up, God have mercy on your opponents, Elizabeth Shoke, Eric Christian Berg says here you're also fighting crab style. Don't worry, no rule against pinch it.

Jelloho, Greg Cunningham, Alpha scientist, Javo. You appear to be some sort of shaved beast entered as a joke? Looking around here, actually, let's do this all at once. Please roar or shriek if you're actually a shaved beast entered as a joke. Got it. Toasty God, Matt Riley, Devin the Rogue Supreme, Timmy Lehmie.

Mr. Bob Gray, I'm gonna need you all to step out of line, but good news, we will be holding an all-naked Novelty Beast Division next month. Get your shot. Grumpy Phoenix. Harvey Pengweenie, you will be fighting using Uninvited Uncle style? Gross, man. I'll be a law against you, people. Up to, but there's not. Welcome to the Kumita.

Honk. James Boy. Jared Mountain Man. Jeff Araskey. Are you? Are you also using Crabs? style? No, no, it's not a problem. We just try to mix it up a little more here in the kumete. John Dean, John McCammon, John Minkoff, all good. Joshua Graves, you...

Did you not hear me when I asked all-shaved novelty beasts to vacate the line? Oh, you're not shaved. Oh, you have alopecia, but you are a beast. Let me... no, no, you're right. Nothing in the rule book. You air-budded me. That's a fair play. Justin B. Ken Paisley says here you'll be using gun style. Now does that mean you just brought a gun? No, no, no rule against it. I'm just, I'm honestly amazed nobody tried it before.

Uh, K&M, Lisa. Leopard Queen, you're fighting leopard style. Love to see the classics again. I am curious to see how that will counter gun, though. Amjahe Chappelle, Mark, Max Broy, Michael Lair, you'll be using, uh, insane, I don't know this one, insane vehicle style? Oh, oh, I'm sorry, Michael Lair is an insane vehicle

and we'll be using American Fender Kenpo Karate. Gotcha. Mort. Indeed. Neil Bailey. Neil Schaefer. Again, using crab style. What's going on, folks?

Is there a new dojo in town or what? Must be good. Nick Levino, obsolete. Says here you don't have a style and you're just going to fucking flip out when you get in there. That's a solid play. Orn-Rewivel, Ozzie Olin, Patrick Hertz is going to try negotiating. All right. Pee Wee's Uncle, practical ZFS, re-brandroo, red wine time, you're using drunken kung fu.

Okay. Oh, what was that? What was that? One more time? I can't, I can't understand. Oh, no kung fu, you're just drunk. Got it. Rianit. Russell Fowman. Sam Cotnik. Chase uses human tornado style. Hell yeah, man. Can you do the noises? That's great. It cracks me up every time. Seed. Taters' Tales. Thomas Cavatzos, you're using clone Jutsu. I didn't know that was real. It's not. It's from a cartoon? Then what are you gonna... All right, never mind, your business. Tommy G. Bilo. Ivon Clapham. Zach and Eva. Oh I'm sorry, Zach and Eva. No tag teams in the Supreme Division.

You're conjoined. Can I see where? Oh, excuse me, that makes me the pervert. I'm the pervert for trying to do my job. All right, all right, you know, you have it your way. Super knot. Your crab style. Hold on, hold on, there's something wrong with the rest of my list. Uh, Jaber, Al Aden, Spotty reception, Dean Costello.

All crabs? You are. Booster, Brian, Sailor, Sarah. Crab, crab, crab, crab, crab. All the way down. All right. Waylon Russell, Crab, Elliot Watson, Crabb, Neku 104, Crabb, David Schult. What's that? Mud Flat Fiddler style.

Good, I was worried these were all going to be cra-oh, that's a type of crab style. Okay. Space Jam fan, you crab, you crabbing? Okay. Victor Malavankan, no need to answer, I can see you're scuttling right now. Craig Lemoy. Also Crab? Also Crab.

Oh, Fancy Shark, that's more like it. I got you down as shark style in the... fancy subdivision. Good on ya pal. What what's that? No you cannot change to crab style this late in the game. I don't care how much fun it looks like they're having. All right, all right folks settle down, settle down. Let's get this Kumete started. If you'll all head in through these doors single file and hey hey craps grabs grabs grabs grabs grabs hey stop it crabs stop pulling each other back one of you has to go first.