The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - The Secret Men: Part 8 - Half-Hearted Sack Tap Fatality with Lydia Bugg

Episode Date: September 16, 2026

Lydia Bugg joins Robert Brockway and Seanbaby as Frank Dux delivers fatal sack-taps to ethnic stereotypes in the blasted winter wastes of Missouri!

Secret Man. Come to the Doc So 9thouse for the official podcast for 1-1900 Hotdog.com. We are the last comedy website. Every day we have a new article about a deranged and cursed thing. Subscribe at patreon.com slash 1-900 Hot Dog. I'm Shawbaby from the Internet, and my partner got second place in the Real Earth Championships for jam-eating, foot and under division. He's Robert Brockway.

Rob Brockway is a Broadway fact. Ants. Again. I have no follow-up questions. Still no follow-up questions allowed. Our guest is a weekly columnist at 1,900 Hot Dogg, the last comedy website. She trains real sex hunks for the French CIA. She's Lydia Bug.

I do that. That's true. And also ants. It's true story. Oh, yes, ants. You're the one training these fucking ants? Yeah, I trained the ants to attack Brockway. That's mainly my main gig.

The sex hunks is a side thing. See, I thought it was all the jam that I don't wash off in between missions. But yeah, I guess. No, that makes sense. You know, trained sex ants. It's part of it. What an erotic intro. Let's do some plugs before we get started.

Liddy, what are you up to these days? You can find me on all social media at you know Lydia. I'm also doing like a mini series on Zach Kuntz's podcast, Zach's World of Garbage. That has been really fun for me where he's showing me like a movie from his. He's like 10 years older than me like I think you guys are. So he's showing me movies from his youth And I'm showing him movies from my youth And soon I'm going to make him watch Rockadoodle

So I don't even know what that is Oh, it's a really horny weird children's cartoon About a rooster that is also like Elvis It's kind of like a oh yeah I remember that I might have seen this yeah I don't think I saw it but I remember that poster or something sure Yeah it's it's wild and I've had a lot of women

Asked me to dress up like that Now I guess I know the context Yeah, ladies love a rockadoodle. Ladies of my era love a rockadoodle. So that should be fun. When a win, would you watch? His podcast is called Zach's Planet of Garbage. That's also my rap name.

Ladies, ladies love rockadoodle. Robert Rockadoodle. I think that could stick. There you go. Rockway. I'm going to plug our other podcast, Big Feats. We are in the home stretch. I don't know how the timing is working out on this,

but I think by the time you're listening to this, we will only have the final two episodes left of Mountain Monsters to go. End of an era. We'll be, yeah, end of an era. We're going to wrap it up, and we're probably going to do something with By the Fire. We're going to play that by air, see if it's even worth watching. And then we're going to maybe take a little hiatus and start in on the good drama, that good drama where the team splits up and they start fighting with each other on social media,

recording rival bigfoot hunting shows. With the same log from what our initial research. That's the key that we've learned. And that's why what has made me excited to delve into this again is that it's going to be a rough slog with the first few episodes of Sons of Appalachia. But once they start fighting with Jeff and Willie, the rival teams, it's going to get good because they're fighting over the same storyline. They can't come up with another

Either team can't come up with another idea So they're out there like fighting over Whose log this is in the woods And like they got back the same guest stars They're like they've got the same guy And like multiple shows just being like Like it's the it's the it's the wall wizard The guy who guards the wall

Well the smoke wolf He has a little chain that he jingles To keep away the Well I guess they were smoke wolves But now now it was a grafted monster and then it became a big foot. I'm kind of following the thing that we study intently. And you know what?

He doesn't have loyalty. He will, he's a true mercenary. He'll go for anyone who will, I guess, pay him. I don't know. I'm excited for us to get to that. So stick around.

Stick around for the end of Mountain Monsters and the start of Sons of Appalachia. Bigfeats. Go listen to Big Feets. We always knew that we would pivot into YouTube drama eventually and you're finally doing it. Yeah, we're finally doing it. Finally.

If we actually. start making our own React videos, we might be able to turn this into literally dollars a day. Hell yes. Rockway reacts to Bigfoot. It is so over. Where we left off, it was a credit card fight in a back alley. I just want to catch you up, Liddy. Frank Dukes had heard about a guy who got shot, so he went to check where the body was weeks ago and he got laughed at by unseen enemies. He thinks, probably. Then he decided that since he was killed by Russian bullets, he needed to get the Russian murder weapon. So he went to the nearest pawn shop and he said, hey, give me all your Russian guns. He says, oh, you want Toots. And so he's like, where's Toots? He says, oh, that bar. So then he goes

to the bar. And then Tuts walks in and Tuts is like, oh, shit, someone's looking from it. He runs away. And then, and when I put it all together like that, it does sound like Frank Duce got very lucky that the first thing he tried led him to the actual gun that murdered someone weeks ago. But anyway, Frank was bragging about how he takes his shoes off and fights and balks people with them. Sometimes, not this fight. This fight, he was using a credit card for forehead slashes. He also has a comb for that sometimes, but again, not this fight. So that is where we are.

He's got a credit card and they don't stand a fucking chance. I would just like to add if it sounds a little racist, it absolutely is. He's in a black neighborhood. These are all black men and he writes their perspective and their voice, very blackly.

I thought one of the Russian arms dealers name is Toots, or that's, he's not a Russian arms dealer? That's the guy who has the gun. Okay. He bought the Russian arms dealer gun because that's just how Toots rolls. He loves weird obscure Russian guns.

We never did, never did explain like why Toots would do that. Do they explain why his name is Toots? Because that's the main question I have is where did the hardcore gangster get the nickname Toots? That sounds like something I'd call my nephew. I bet he's a good trumpet player. If I just had to guess, I think Frank Dukes was like I'm in a black neighborhood. They love jazz. And that means trumpets.

Toots and blacks. He's going to get Toots and Blats out. I'm going to take them both out with his credit card. And ever since Ed Parker had taught me how to use a shoe as a weapon, I had worn shoes with special steel heels that could stun even the strongest opponent when slipped onto my hands like gloves or grasped by the toe and wielded like a club. I love so much. I had said this last time, but it's my favorite thing in the world that it's not to make your kicks deadlier.

Nope. Which would be the karate thing to do. Like if this was a Robert Rodriguez movie, that's absolutely what that would be for. You'd see a guy in steel shoes and be like, I know what his thing is. Yeah. He's going to do like Flamenco Roundhouse dancing. Like, it's going to rule. If you've ever seen someone take off steel-toed boots, it takes forever to unlace the boots.

No, no, no, no, but these are steel. He's special. Special steel heels. But if you're wearing boots that are heavy, you have to tie them up. So I don't, I would, he's going to be like, okay, guys, wait a minute. Give me, give me two minutes to like, get these boots off so I can. Is he also barefoot while he's fighting them? He would be barefoot, yes.

And nope, nope, and his Navajo white socks. I can't imagine every step you took in steel heeled shoes would be like a tap. Like a. Yeah. Also, if they're heavy enough to do anything at all. like, then you were clumping around like Frankenstein. Yeah. Like if these are heavy enough to beat clubs, that's like a good, that's not a little tiny steel plate.

That's a good chunk of steel that you're just, just clomping around this fucking neighborhood. I just feel like it's best case scenario. If you're in a street fight and your opponent has no shoes and his hands are in shoes, I feel like you've got a huge advantage. Yes. Maybe. You're because I also would probably stop fighting that person. I'd be like, oh, I'm sorry.

I didn't realize you were. Yeah. There's something wrong with you. We can't. You please don't tell anybody. Yeah. I fucked you up. Either that or they would say,

ghost. He's got the Navajo white socks. The float, and he's just floating in there. The silent guy was silent no more. He was howling up a storm on his knees, clutching at his side. He'd be.

feeling that blow for days. Oh, sorry, Liddy, he hit him in the spleen, not hard enough to rupture it. He's trained very, very delicately to just barely not rupture spleen when he hit spleen. Surgical precision with the spleen punches. Yes. It was not worth the murder to kill Toots, who again, doesn't know who this dude is. Toots is just like, that guy's looking for me in this bar, I'm running. He just, also I think Frank Dukes is like 22 at the time, so I don't know what.

why you'd assume he was even law enforcement. Anyway, the big mouth who wanted my coat had his hands clasped to his face. He probably thought he was blind or else he was too frightened to look at me. Blood seeped out between his fingers. That's the guy. Credit card. He charged that guy. He charged that car right in the face.

Okay. Yep. He hit that guy in the forehead with a credit card. And so now he, or again, he has another theory that he's just too scared to look at Frank. He just can't not look upon donkey-handed demon, Frank Dukes. In the forehead? Is that in a vulnerable area? He's blinded him with his own blood,

got his fucking credit card. Oh, okay, he slashed him and he's bleeding. Got it. Are credit card sharp enough to do that? When you fold them in half? Yes. When you fold them like a little claw and then wield them, and you hiss at your opponent and you bat at them.

Like a kitty? I'm imagining he does all of that. Yeah. Okay. I'm on board. This all makes sense. Thank you. Yeah, he's totally, he's totally kicking ass. This is, he made up this story to sound cool and it worked. I retrieved the gun drops during our scuffle. That's in quotes, because it's, you couldn't call this a scuffle. This is a domination.

It's not even a scuffle. I, you got the, the guy's blinded with his own blood. I'd at least call that a scuffle. I feel like, yeah. When boots go to hands, that's a brawl, yeah. Yeah, yeah, you're right. It doesn't turn into us. fighting till my hands were in shoes. It was our murder weapon, I was sure. I doubted if there were very many Soviet 9mm Maccaroff semi-automatic pistols around, even if it was East St. Louis. The gun, standard sidearm for Soviet infantry, was heavy as a son of a gun. The Soviets opted for the

extra weight in exchange for increased reliability, but shorter than most homegrown models. The Makarov would be little more than a prop for this punk. It was just as well that I relieved him of it. At least he wouldn't get a hernia carrying it around in his pants, although right now he had other physical problems to take care of. But also, he should watch out for hernias. He should get himself checked. Yeah. Where'd you get the gun, I demanded? Hurry up, I'm getting cold.

I wasn't bluffing. Without my coat, I was freezing. After a couple of beats. I just love so much how he keeps, he's like, he's trying to sell it like an unbearable, unlivable winter. but like a lot of people do live here and in these areas in general. The air being, you know, America, St. Louis. Sure. It's not the unsurvivable Yukon.

But he keeps like pausing to be like, and I was so chilly. And I, like, I was so tough. I blinded him, but I was, I was about to die. It was so cold. Yeah, Missouri famously mild winter in the south. The south of the Americas. Because, like, it's not that. As someone from Chicago, it's not that bad.

I think what we're not considering is Frank Dukes might be a total pussy. I just feel like that's the subtext of a lot of these, a lot of these fights. It's just like how he has to sell toughness. It's like make the condition seem unbearable. But he can only do that by being like, even I, the toughest man in the world, couldn't take it. But then he's just out there around other people. Like, Tuts isn't out here with blood freezing. over his eyes going like,

To tell you to fight, Frank. Like, other people can take it just fine. It makes you look like a pussy. Yeah, I agree. It's kind of giving it on mountain monsters when they talk about how bad the terrain is. Yeah, how rough the terrain is. A very similar brand of lie.

Zero degree incline. After a couple of beats, I shout on his face. Close enough so that my spittle froze on his cheeks. Hey, asshole, use your brain. You don't hear me reading you. Your rights are calling for. for a cop, do you? I'm not the police.

I can kill you. And I don't have to answer to anybody. Get it? Not even my dad. It's bedtime when I want, Buster. I'm gonna have candy for dinner, you son of a gun. I'm not the police I can kill you has become much less of a thing over the last couple years. Yeah, especially to a black man in his neighborhood.

Like, yeah, they do that. It's way scarier if you are police, dude. Found it, he blubbered, and an empty lot off eighth. It's not worth nothing. Couldn't even sell the fucking thing. Never mind, I'll take it off your hands, I told him. This gun's too big for you anyway. I gave him a half-hearted kick in the groin.

I like the half-hearted. Like, it's just kind of limp, a little tap. This guy is so compliant. He already lost the fight. Frank Dukes is just like torturing this dude. wearing a frozen blindfold of his own blood. You're just going to give him a sack tap, a little foot sack tap. He went down, gave a spasm, then vomited into the street.

I picked up my coat. Not that half-hearted, it sounds like. Game a little half-hearted. Fucking kicked the lunch out of that guy, Dick first. I picked up my coat, dusted it off and left my attackers lying on the sidewalk, whimpering inarticulately. They didn't seem to mind how dirty. was down there. I examined the guns eight round magazine. It was half empty. The standard military

ball casings were void of any manufacturer's markings and I deduced they were probably check an origin. It's able to deduce the origin of ball bearings and guns at a glance. Yeah. No trouble. Just instantly. That's one of those things that I don't think there's a human being in the world who could do that, even like an actual gun manufacturer because they would have to care enough to do that in the first place. What's the difference between a Czech ball bearing and an American ball bearing? Like, it's rounder. Sounds like the setup to a racist joke.

I don't want to. It does. It does. Kudos to our brains for not, like, finishing it for you. I had to stop. My brain was starting to do that. Nope, no, we don't need to do that. One makes barely legal pornography on top of the bullet.

Oh, God damn it. I blame Rockway. I left the Macarov at a prearranged drop, and presumably it went to agency ballistics, where it was confirmed as the likely murder weapon. A Russian gun meant little in itself, although I imagine the FBI went bonkers over it. Hardware gets around in the most mysterious ways. However, it provided one more piece of evidence in support of our suspicions. Again, their suspicions are a lot of things, but there's one guy who's like a rogue NSA super murderer,

who's trying to get Russia to kill China, I think. Yeah. By just like, by killing what appeared to be random Asians in St. Louis. And like, therefore, therefore China will be like, you killed an Asian? That might have been one of us. There's like a one in three chance. Yeah, I love the idea they're not checking.

Like, well, that guy was Japanese. That guy was actually Thai. They're really missing. And it's not like Archduke Ferdinand, right? Like they don't have to go to war because the dude in St. Louis of Korean heritage. You know what I mean? Got shot with a gun that's from Russia. I like that he thinks the world works like that.

I think that's pretty fun. Okay, I'd have to wait for another chance at our man. True. I knew little more than I had previously. But now I could sense his presence. The unseen fish hovering just outside of you. Fish lowercase. It's not fish demand.

He's doing a lot. You did that before, too. He's like, I got a fish on the hook or something. You're like, oh, well, you're getting, you're getting close. I like that he, uh, that he's got video game style tracking now. Like, he found the clue. And now there's a little scent trail hovering. Now I can sense him.

I've developed fish sense. So the unseen fish hovering just outside of you, just deep enough to be masked by the shadows. But whose presence was unmist. and sensed with certainty by the astute fisherman. Which is I for Frank Dukes. Yes. I figured that Casey would keep me dogging this case until I somehow brought it to a conclusion. I should have known better.

Little did I know that the old man was about to unleash, the biggest. Surprise at all. We have now finished Chapter 10. We did it. Wow. We did it. We're moving on to Chapter 11, Delphi 9. to the people of Sferdlovsk, the week of Monday, April 2nd, 1979 began like any other.

The day was fresh and cloudless and the northwest wind brisker than usual, following on the heels of a cold front. I'd love the idea of him giving us like an anecdotal weather report for a place he was not. He was not. And also from a point of view that isn't, it's like, like there's an unimplied person. over here going like, ah, time to start my day. Oh, what is this wind? A beautiful wind coming from the west. Like, this is your autobiography.

You're not... No anthrax upon the air. Who could now know that the same wind inaugurated six weeks of terror? It had carried deadly invisible spores down a death corridor that ran from a nearby secret military facility all the way to a southern limit of this city of over a million people nestled in the Earl Valle valleys rolling hills. Just beautiful writing. Just barely painting a picture.

Talking about Chernobyl then? No, this was an anthrax spill. I don't think it was an attack. Oh, it actually was the anthrax spill. This was a real thing. It's impossible to discern what is a joke and what is not at this point. Yeah, he doesn't seem to care about making shit up, but this was based on real facts.

And he's writing it from the point of view of a little boy in the village. I'm about to get anthrax. He's like a little writing about Pompeii from the point of view of like just a Pompeii, bro. It's just such an insane thing to do in your autobiography again, like right from the point of view

and put emotions and perceptions into other characters that are not you. He's kind of for scumping himself into history. You know, he's doing like a James Bond force gum. Yeah. You couldn't describe the book any better than that. Three days after that deadly wind, people began to get sick. Those who lived in the nearby four and five-story apartment buildings, members of the Military Reserve attending classes at

Compound 32, the Army base next to the more secret of Compound 19 facility, with its reinforced barricades, refrigeration facilities, smokestacks, and strange-looking ventilation systems, sentries, and double barbed wire fences, the people in the houses, school, shops, and apartments that lay south-southeast of Compound 19, and in particular the workers at the ceramics factory that lay farther along in the southerly direction. That was one sentence. Whoa. From when I said three days after that deadly,

he really wants you to be able to like find, just get in a car and go find the anthrax village, be like, yeah, yeah, it's there. Like this is, this is where his like,

his fact verification goes in like, aha, see, I've included all these details. And you can go check. That place exists. I've described exactly where it is. So therefore,

everything I'm about to say happened. Yeah. You can check. It's next to the Manzark River, which has a length of 239.2 miles. And this is why there's no record of me ever being in the military. And that's why you can kill a man with a comb. If you believe me about one thing, you have to believe me about the other thing. That's just the way this works.

They knew me in this town as Shuhan Frankie. I made that up. That's not in the book. It could be. There's no way to tell. First came distraction, then a high fever. Some victims alternated between fever and chills. Eventually both led to convulsions.

Many began to cough up blood. Their skin broke into black postules and lesions accompanied by nausea and vomiting. Families stood by helplessly as they watched. Loved ones grow listless and then suddenly convulse with the vomiting that left them drained and lifelessly staring into space. Oh my God. equivalent of a Frank Duke sack tap. It's like an airborne sack tap.

It's a good way to describe anthrax. An airborne sack tap from a lying Jewish man? I don't think it is. Yeah, okay, fine. Okay, so again, this is a real anthrax leak. He's 23 years old when this happened. So he wasn't the little boy? Oh, my God.

I don't think he was here. I think he's about to get sent here. because you know you want to send your top sex agent to the chemical weapons. I was going to say if it turns out he was just watching this dressed like a mailman behind a dumpster somewhere. Like I'm going to lose my shit. You can't keep doing this. Now, he describes basically how you die from anthrax over and over. I'm going to skip past it.

When Casey had mentioned working with the Soviets at our second meeting, I thought he was joking, or at least indulging in hyperbole. But now he informed me that I'd be working in conjunction with Soviet military intelligence. possibly even the KGB. I was stunned. However, the seriousness of his words did not register with their full impact until I was discreetly ushered into CIA headquarters.

I wore a disguise and was brought via the mail dock past its x-ray machines and the canine officers with their menacing dogs who roamed about sniffing packages. I was half asleep because of the three-hour time difference between coasts, but the immediacy of the situation left me no opportunity to rest, except for a few winks on board the small jet

Casey had waiting for me at the suburban Van Nuys Airport. Besides being dubbed the world's busiest small airport, Van Nuys served as a staging area for the California Air National Guard and an Air Force Reserve Center. See? See? All those things were true. Would a lawyer have all these details? Yeah, and therefore the FBI did dress me up like a package and snuck me in through the mail.

Like a fucking Bugs Bunny cartoon. That's what happened. He didn't tell us what the disguise was. Why is he in disguise? He also implied that he had to like sneak by the male dogs. Like you're work there. Yes. Why are they menacing to you?

I was so scared to those male dogs that they'd find out. Fucking strange. From where, I'm going to skip a little. From where he slumped over his desk, Casey indicated for me to take a seat. My eyes scanned his desk and the two phones placed about three feet apart. The beige one, said Case hoarsely, is an unsecure line. The green is secure. he nodded his bloodshot eyes betraying his own fatigue you're wearing a wig he seemed more disgusted than surprised

oh I love it I love that it's like why are you like he recruited us a he bought a he bought a boy he bought a little spy a little karate spy boy and he's like well this one this one's we need some disposable fodder now and then so this one won't last I'm going to tell him he's a spy he's a spy and he's like well this one won't last I'm going to tell him he's a spy and And then he keeps showing up in, like, naked gun style costumes. I'm Mr. Spock from Star Trek. Why are you wearing a wig? Because I had to disguise myself to sneak in. That's not what spies... We're sending you to get anthrax. It's fine.

So here's Frank's response to getting busted for wearing a wig. That official disguise kit you sent me is shit, I complained. The hairdig runs. And the lifts, come on. I'm already six inches taller than most of the world. Okay. By virtue of you saying that, no, you're not. I love him.

He's like, you're making me too tall. Yeah. I'm already so tall and big. Well, at least invest in a good hairpiece next time. I've got my own hairpiece attached to my head. It's real. Then invest in a good hairpiece. Cut, the old man ordered.

Listen, he went off. That's enough bullshitting around. He came in wearing a terrible wig to which the FBI director was like, what the fuck are you doing? Like, it looks like Halloween. Like, that's not a, that's not how a spy dresses. And he's like, yeah, well, I have my own hair under here. I have my own hair.

I'm not bald. I'm not a bald. That's not a retort. It sounds like a conversation between two sorority girls. Like, they're like, he's just like, girl, what are you wearing? He's like, girl, shut up. At least I have my own hair. Yeah, well, maybe get a better haircut.

Oh, my God. Slats, off, slap, slap. Sound of shoes being put on hands. Slap, slap, slap, slap, slap, slap. Oh, that's when it gets serious. Batting on each other with her shoe hands. I love that. It's always such a funny visual.

There's no way. There's no way not to laugh. He says, that's enough bullshitting around. Let's get down to business. You're going to be working with the Soviets. He paused for a moment. to let me hoist my jaw back up to its usual level. I know. You think I'm crazy, the old man said. Maybe I am.

I sure as hell don't trust those commie bastards. And I don't want you to either. Yes, you'll be working with them, but keep your eye out for anything that doesn't smell right. I doubt if we'll get all the information from their people. And as far as I'm concerned, whatever they tell us is suspect. I like that the way he writes, it's constantly like he paused to let me hoist my jaw off the floor. Like, even his reactions or so, which is not like a cool guy thing to do. Like, it's Clint Eastwood is in there like, they're working with the Russians. Clint Eastwood wouldn't go, oh my God.

Oh, my God. What? What? Oh, Jesus. Like, it's not the, like, cool spy thing to do to, like, react to my surprised wig. I mean, he always keeps doing that. But why a joint mission? Are you serious with the KGB?

Not even the president knows. Or my head of special operations Or even my deputy director for that matter. And it's better that they don't for now. There's a few support personnel involved. But they've only been provided select pieces of the whole puzzle Because the Soviets are unofficially asking for help. I have to cooperate in an unofficial capacity.

So that's why you can't find out. That's why you can't check you guys. But why would you need to? Because the stuff about the river was true. And you can check on that. Yeah, you can check the river. Remember how long it was? And the bad wig stuff seems plausible, so...

The Soviets are manufacturing anthrax, so he needs Frank Dukes, who has not trained in chemical weapons, and in fact does not seem to know what protocols are for handling chemical weapons. He's going to go punch the anthrax. The CIA purchased this boy from a karate master. They purchased the boy from a karate master, and then, They had to train him in sex because he didn't know what that was. Yeah, he didn't know how to have sex. And now they're going to send him to what, karate anthrax?

Have sex with the anthrax? Distract it with his wiles. It's always worked for me. I don't know. Frank has my moves, though. What's funny is that the KGB have placed the area under military quarantine and have been trying to keep a lid on things. They've confiscated all medical records, autopsy reports, and come up with some flimsy

excuses, like everyone who became ill, ate tainted meat. So far, they managed to keep health workers in the dark concerning the cause. We probably know more about the accident than the people who lived there. I laughed. A name, it just popped into my head. Delphi nine. What? Casey's jaw sagged in perplexity.

Delphi nine, James Bond. Goldfinger. From that point on, unknown to the Soviets or as far as I know to U.S. agents, Casey and I referred to the anthrax agent as Delphi Nine. So, um, Why did This is the second time he's gotten busted using James Bond books as reference

But why did the Why did Bill Casey go like Oh my God, what? If he didn't know what it meant Yep. He's a good question And he had to have the reference Explain to him

I think I think what happened as Frank Dukes made up this story about Delphi 9 weapons program And then someone said that's from James Bond like your fucking Shidoshi Tanaka Son and he's like

yeah Bill Casey Bill Casey likes James Bond so he he he didn't recognize the reference though not like me like that's a little putting a little Ernest Klein in there like oh well you didn't know the reference though

are you a real fan because I knew it Bill Casey's fake fan he he spends two pages complaining about like how this sucks. He's like, I don't know anything about chemical weapons. Chemical weapons sounds really dangerous.

This sounds crazy. I don't want to do this. I'm going to trust you that that's not worth reading, but it sounds like it's worth reading to hear Frank Dukes go, I really don't want to. I can't do anything with chemical weapons. I'm sure it's both frustrating and relieving to listeners to be like, oh, good, he's skipping the dumb part.

But then frustrating, like, maybe it's awesome. Sometimes it is, I don't think this one is, as if intuiting my own thoughts he went on. Hell, if it's not one thing, it's another. But these weapons are scary. Lassa, Q, Rift Valley. They all kick your ass. I won't lie, kid. Chemical weapons don't bother me that much. I can understand them.

But biological weapons scare their shit out of me. Besides, damn it. We spend $70 million a year developing stuff we can't or won't use, and we can't get enough funding for our own projects right here in the agency. Seems to me that if we're not going to use something, we should quit pissing our money into the wind. So the problem is that they don't get to use biological weapons. on enemies enough.

That's the way I took it too, yes. I wish we used biological weapons on our enemies more. It's what he's saying. Here's what Frank Duke said about that. I agree wholeheartedly. Especially when I was... Yeah, of course he did. I also wish that.

Especially when I was getting paid as little as I was for doing Casey's laundry, dealing with the KGB and tracking down an invisible biological secret weapon. Screw research. My ass was the one on the line. I love the idea that he's not getting paid very much for this. Because he's not like employed by them. He's a freelance contractor, which is supposedly like, that's where you make the big

books. That's like in his stories, in his cool guy's stories. That's like mercenary nature. But he's getting paid like $1.50 an hour. And they're like, go, go fight anthrax karate child. They don't give him health insurance, but they're asking him to wait into the anthrax valley. You get all the wigs you could wear. So, I mean, there are some perks.

Specifically, they sent him a hairdie. He had to purchase his own wigs. He doesn't get the wigs. I know he can write them off on his taxes as a contractor. But like, that only goes so far. It's fucking awesome. Be careful, Frank. The DCI reminded me again, as if he needed to be, as if he needed to in the first place.

compound 19 doesn't have the only leak something's up with our Moscow office some of our major assets have been compromised find out what you can and don't you dare bring any of that shit back with you he called after me even so a month actually passed before I met my Soviet counterparts negotiations and agreements evidently went on in which I played no part while I waited for Casey to confirm the assignment I obtained the necessary documents including false passports identities by which by which he means he went down to the of records and ask them, can I please have another fake ID? And they said, sure thing, shoe hand, Frankie. And everybody will know that's me. Everybody will know that's me. We can't do that. Yep.

Also put down that I'm six foot two. Yeah. So tall. Six inches taller than most of the world. Is there a section where you can specify real hair? Because do that. Yeah. But not bald, handsome for sex.

Yes. week. I decided not to waste any of my precious R&R time. At a party, a friend introduced me to a woman so beautiful I couldn't take my eyes off her. Luckily, I didn't have her. We didn't leave her bedroom for three and a half days, ordering takeout deliveries and having our meals in bed too. I can't speak for her, but I had a hell of a lot of attention to release. Although I said nothing, I also knew that we wanted to love for the Soviet Union. I might be gone for months, despite the welcome distraction. Worries played at the back of my mind. Once in Russia, I'd be on my own without backup. I played out numerous possible

scenarios in my head and began forming contingency strategies to deal with each. I must admit, though, that I enjoyed the impending uncertainty and the reconciliation after missions. Lovemaking became more passionate and intense. Every moment was important and appreciated because I might have to disappear at any moment. So we got the important parts. She was super hot and she liked to have sex. Unimportant parts being her name, any line of dialogue, all physical descriptions. Sure. Any personality traits. Any relevance to the story?

Just, I like to bang, because I might die at any point. Does she have a job? She took three days off work to bang. Three days off to bang. She might be the waitress delivering room service. Okay. Taking the burger, bang it out. She might be inflatable.

Let me check. He did not say she wasn't. This inflatable woman you gave me a shit. I built a better one at home. You're wearing an inflatable woman, Frank. This is why I wanted you on, Lady, because this is like a real romantic part of the book, you know, and I know you like romantic fiction.

I'm a huge romance reader, so. I love that he's so, like, brain poisoned by action movies. They're like, even the women are for action movies. She was beautiful and liked to fuck me. Ah, that's the end. That's enough. that's it perfectly disposable like she didn't have her heartbroken when he had to leave for russia in fact it's not quite he doesn't even quite specifically refer to this made-up story in his exit

he's like sometimes when you exit it's like tough it's like hypothetical in the fake story it's so strange yeah you would think he would at least write a scene where he was like i i told her i was gonna be gone for months and would never speak to her again and she like cried or something like that would make him sound cool and like she liked it but it kind of sounds like she was just like, oh, that was nice. Bye. Yeah. That was super fun.

Thanks, pal. I'm going to go back to the bar and find some other poor sap who will fuck me for three days. See, the last, he really hasn't learned. This is the life of a disposable babe. He hasn't. This is her job. He hasn't learned anything because he said, like, in the, in the old chapters about his CIA sex training was like, the first lady he fell for turned out to be an agent. and he should have known better because her interest was like,

came with no strings attached and like, you should have learned to question this. And like, here you are. Once again, you didn't even ask for her name. She could be Russian. She could be filled with anthrax, you don't. She could be like a decoy duck filled with anthrax.

You didn't fucking ask. I also really like, we jumped right past it, but it was just at a party. Like, he's a CIA agent in like a different city. And he's just like, what party are you talking about? Who invited you to a party? Yeah, it's very like how an action movie works.

There's just a perpetual party and all the cool guys are there and all the hot ladies are there. And they're just meeting up and funking for three days. They've got nothing else to do. They just pair off. He really earned Toots' respect. He invited him to the cookout. Tuts laying on the ground cover to Bukuk. Like, you want to go to a party?

Yeah. You want to come to a barbecue? You seem really cool. He still has more thoughts on banging ladies and then leaving for Russia. That secrecy destroys trust and positive growth, though. It is perhaps nowhere more apparent than in my relationships, which always ultimately bore the brunt of my secret existence. Those closest to me, especially the women in my life,

intuitively sensed my deceit and double life. My excuses for sudden business trips and long absences due to secret kumeté competitions, Although clever, were, if not outright lies, at least equivocations. Could I blame any of the women in my life for sometimes suspecting that I was unfaithful? Their suspicions were fueled by rumors, the presence of strange equipment, my sometimes unexplainable sources of income, as well as their insecurities and fertile imaginations. One time I was even suspected of being an international criminal. That was much easier to imagine than my being a spy.

Spies belonged to the fictional realm of novels and movies and couldn't possibly touch the world. most people knew. What equipment that makes the woman what's spy equipment? Is it the sex brush and the jam? Did you find the sex brush in the jam? Those aren't.

Are these CIA issues sex brushes? You got 20 jars and jam in your suitcase. Is this seduction jam? You son of a bitch, you're cheating on me. No, it's not like that. They were just feet in the bistro, baby. It was for the job. I like that it's lies.

Like, they always think that I'm unfaithful to them. But the only woman I'm cheating on them with is my mistress, the kumate. I'm leaving for kumatis. Baby, I can't say where I'm going. I like that his lies are clever. Sudden excuses. Although clever. No, listen, listen.

They're good. They're really good. I wish you would name some of those lies. I would love to hear the kumathe excuse. Like, I'm going to a, I'm going to China to, to fight, oh, hold on, to go to a carpet convention, Chinese carpet convention. Yes. I'm going to come back with a few missing teeth, a couple broken hands.

I'm going to knock out. And a giant trophy that says Kumete World Champion. That's what they call carpet. That's the Chinese word for carpet over there. Unfortunately, the honeymoon with my extraordinary woman didn't last long. She sensed that I would be leaving soon. Perhaps I unconsciously prepared myself for having to leave and began to draw away. I envisioned leaving a long-stemmed rose on her pillow.

And my passionately scribbled words on the card that I placed against the stained glass lamp of her antique end table as she lay there, naked and fast asleep. Only her hair blanketing her shoulders. From the next room flowed the strains of the moody blues, knights in white satin. Really? That's what it is. You put in a soundtrack? Who fucks to the moody blues, even in this era?

That's really great. That's pervert shit. It's so great. This is like, you know in a movie when like a action hero has a dead wife and like you kind of just see her in flashbacks? Like this is how they would show her. Yes, he still hasn't named or described her or given her a single line of dialogue. He also didn't say that he did any of that. He just imagined it.

I imagine that she liked the moody blues and therefore it was easier to dump her. ass. Here's her traits. She didn't have a shirt and the moody booze were playing. That's all I know about her. She would look really good from behind when I left a rose on her pillow. That's all you need to know. She's very hot.

I want to keep reiterating that and just how hot she was. Do you have any other questions about her? No, good. Wherever she is, I imagine she's looking at a window, forlornly. That's like the most definitive evidence we've had. that he does not fuck is that he thinks he thinks people that do fuck

are listening to the moody blues like yeah they're listening to Knights and White Satin Nights and white satin God I think I I just killed my next bowler Yeah you're taking

You're taking away sometimes That I have successfully fucked Boters from the future Yeah They're like Start to lay down to get busy In the opening doors of nights and white

satin. Go on. Even if it was on the radio, you'd be like, hold on. No, this. We got to speak about pause. No, I got to change this. Eat it by Weird Al Yankovic.

Yeah, we can fuck this. That's better. Hateful AM talk radio. Yeah, that's better too. Yeah, that's good. What the, okay, sorry, I'll pick up from, from the next room float the strains of the moody blues. Knights and White Satin.

And coming up at number 40. Okay, now, what the hell? I gave up the image. such romantic contrivances weren't possible right now in the space of a couple days I'd be in Moscow putting my ass on the line and working with the guys who for as long as I could remember I had always been told we're the enemy

okay so he meets with the KGB in Moscow he meets a guy named Popov Why are you skipping it? Explain why it's okay Just explain You know in an Andy Sedaris movie where like they show the guy drive to the airport then go to the counter and then buy a ticket and then go walk on to the plane and then the plane

takes off and then you it's it's that he did this for like three pages of just like i got on the train and then i met a guy and they took me inside and and it's it's kind of funny it's like one of the best parts of an andy sadaris movie is like you get to see all of their errands like you get to meet the toughest guy in the world and all of the titsy likes and then you watch them do a bunch of errands right he learns how to put on chemical equipment uh because again he is not trained for this. The CIA needed a chemical weapon specialist, so they got the guy who sucks a jam off of feet.

I assume that somewhere in the indeterminate time between when he was purchased as a child, a feral karate child, and sent to like, I assumed that he had just like yada yada. Of course, I had had chemical trading or whatever. Yeah.

They're good. They have to train him. It's his first day. They have to onboard him to chemical weapons. happens. And there's not a better person. He has no idea what's going on. There's not a better fit for this.

Yes. And he is like at their mercy. He's just like wherever they tell him to go. He's watching the fucking Wendy's rap for anthrax. There's not a more expendable person for this. I think is the issue. They're like, yeah, send the karate kid. It was really funny when we purchased that feral karate child, but I'm so fucking sick of him.

Did you see his fucking wig? Did you see his fucking wings? Yes, that's exactly. Came in with his shoes on his hands? I don't know. There's something up with him. We got to get rid of him. Besides Pope, our group included

Mikhail, who insisted on being called Michael. He had been a member of the GRU's Vita's Soviet military intelligence and had even operated with the United States as a KGB spy. His English and Midwest American mannerisms would have passed unquestioned in the States, a fact that, as he informed me, was due to his KGB, training at a secret base.

The facility looks like it's right on the Main Street, USA, man. All of the townsfolk there are fresh from the country. He went on to explain that his training had included every facet of American life, from how to dress a hot dog to a pretty girl. You've got to learn

how to dress a hot dog. Panties first. It's always panties first. Yes. American ladies wear panties first, bro. He became a stylist. That's the training to become an American. Is you got to be Law Roach?

I love that he... Don't mix it up, bro. Do not put mustard on the lady and panties on the hot dog. Like there's a specifically Russian way that you can dress a hot dog and we'll know. Like, hold on. Did he just mustard that hot dog from left to right? I don't get why this dude's putting underpants on that hot dog. But I'm into it.

Indeed. Yeah, no, it's cool. It's fun, fun idea. Indeed, Michael possessed quite a sense of humor, which he exercised at every opportunity. Do you know how we catch your best agents here in our country? He asked me one night over dinner. At the time, I was still fresh and unaware that Michael was setting me up. Are you sure you want to tell me? I asked. Why not? It's easy. We post men inside every public toilet in our major cities. Your people are the only ones who wash their hands after they piss. Oh, my God. That's what he grossed, Michaela. That's what Frank Duke thinks of Russians, of course. And it was safe to say this in the 90s, I guess. They still weren't people yet. Yeah. Yeah, you're right.

They didn't wash their hands after using the bathroom. And also, like, they have all the, they have, sorry, hundreds of agents dedicated to this waiting to see if someone washes their hands after they piss. Yes. They're just hanging out watching dudes piss. Real heavy on bathroom. stuff. I mean, he's recruited in bathrooms. They meet in bathrooms. All the spies are like tracking each other in bathrooms.

It's almost like there's some sort of like other meaning to a bunch of guys meeting secretly in bathrooms in the 90s. Hmm. Yeah, some sort of a secret mission they're all on. He laughed loudly at his own joke while I took a moment to figure the damn thing out. He doesn't, what do you mean?

Figure that one out? Americans should wash their hands at Russians. Don't you fucking idiot? You're the one who put it in your book. And then put it out that I was, put it in that it was too stupid to get it. That's why we have to believe it, though. He wrote that joke and then he said,

I didn't get the joke. I didn't get it. I still don't get it. I don't know why I wrote it and put it in a book. Yeah, if somebody didn't say it to me, how would I know it? You can't just make that up. Comedy gold like that? We received a briefing that outlined what I'd already learned,

plus our immediate plan of deployment. A number of times throughout the session, Pope stressed that we worked as a team, and we were prohibited from acting in individual capacities when it came to the actual recovery and removal of the bacterium. I suspected that his insistence was for my benefit. For complex logistical and bureaucratic reasons,

I was also conferred the rank of a Soviet army captain. Although I... Oh, which Halloween costume Do you think he pulls out to try to prove that? Why is there no record of it? Does he immediately tell us? Yeah. Normally when you work with an American contractor for a chemical waste disposal,

you're like, shit, buddy, I guess we have to promote you really high in our military ranks. You're going to be a major, but just until the end of your contract. On paper. On paper. You know, they would have to do what you said if you found them, but we're not going to tell you where they are. But if you guess right. They do have to do what you want. So this is, he's, it's kind of a humble brag.

He's like, because although I seriously doubted if I'd ever have any troops under my command, so he's like, wasn't a real captain. He was just like, no, but seriously doubted it doesn't mean like it was just entitled. He was just like, maybe. I probably not. No, he could give orders to. But maybe. 95% of the people he meets in the Soviet army.

That's kind of a big deal. The Soviet military ID I received resembled a passport with his green cover and watermarked pages. The paper was as painstakingly created as our currency, making the ID next to impossible to counterfeit. It stated that I was a member of the Sport Division, allowing me to travel without interference, especially from hostile factions within the KGB. Quick trips to chemical bio-weapon testing sites at Karkov and Chick-Henny rounded out my initial training, including wargame exercises and sterile protective suits. I kept my eyes open as Casey had instructed. However, my movements were tightly watched and limited. Who was limiting this?

captain this this this this captain with his with his sport division title that allows him complete access to everything in the country which sport is that that gets access i think he doesn't why would you include that detail probably canoe probably table tennis i was going to say volleyball are they big into volleyball i don't know i just picture that is like they have a real he's a he's a volleyball he's a russian volleyball captain like that's like that's the highest thing you can be in Russian society. You can walk into a nuclear reactor and they'll just be like, have you seen that motherfucker spike?

Like, he's the pride of our country. We've got to let him do whatever he wants. Well, and then he's got to wear a wig so he looks like the head of the Russian volleyball team. Otherwise, someone's going to be like, I know everyone on the Russian volleyball team and that ain't you. You don't have Ivan's flowing hair. I would know that anyway.

those golden locks. Over and over, I asked myself what talent I brought to the group, and the best I could come up with was the very fact that I was unofficial and possessed the ability to move freely where others were constrained. He just said he can't do that.

He just said he can't do that. Yes, he just said it. Also, if they could just take somebody they knew who actually knew what chemical weapons were, make him a captain, and then he'd be able to move even better. Plus, he would speak Russian, It's such a rare moment of self-awareness for Frank Dukes to be like, okay, in this lie, what value do I provide?

Fucking, I got nothing. I came up with nothing. I don't. I guess I can walk. This is like in a rough draft when you realize like a problem and you're like, oh, fuck, what is my character doing here? And then he just left it in the book. He was like crazy that I'm here, I guess, guys. Moving on.

In addition, I also possessed a connection to Casey as well as contacts in criminal networks, creating a human conduit between the overt world of governments and the international underworld of organized crime. And to that, the fact that my agency connections could be easily denied, and I supposed I was Casey's only logical choice for the mission. So, okay, so he saved it. He pulled out of that, that nosedive. Did he? Not really.

Yeah, he's got crime contacts and American government contacts. Plus, remember, he's a Soviet Army captain. And he has that bus pass. And all those passports. No, he's the guy. He's the only guy for this. He's the only four dot, dot, dot, dot what? He's the only guy for what?

All the people that died from the chemical spill, he's going to go there and make sure that the mafia. You know what it is? Shit. He's been extensively trained. Wait, let him explain it, Brockway. Let him explain it. He's got it. So the mafia and the karate community, we're going to come there and take all the corpses killed by chemicals.

Okay. And you know what happens then. We're talking kicking and punching cadavers. We're talking zombies. We're talking karate cadavers. And he could navigate the bureaucracy of all the interagency karate zombie tournaments. I shouldn't have to explain this. Okay.

No, I've got it. I've got it. He's been so extensively trained in licking jam off feet that he can lick radioactive material off of the victims. He's the only one for it. That's, yeah, that's probably what it is. I think he's going to disguise them. Like a mother kitten. I just lick them all clean of anthrax.

That's definitely it. That's what it is. Mm-hmm. I pondered these issues, laid into many a night as I lay on my cot in the concrete barracks, staring at the ceiling. But other perplexing questions occupied my thoughts. as well. More and more, I formed the definite impression that what we were after wasn't really anthrax at all. Maybe Delphi-9 would turn out to be an appropriate name after all. That was just my gut

feeling at the time. I certainly didn't have much to go on. Indeed, I had no way of telling whether Pope Michael and my other comrades knew any more than I did, or if we were all being misled, perhaps the only way we'd ever find out would be when if we tracked down the missing Delphi-9. And that, I think, is a great stopping point. I just, real quick, a lot, so much happens in these podcasts. It's impossible for my brain to grasp all of it. Did he, I assume, I assume he did, and I just have glazed over it. Did he explain that both of the guys on his team, of course, were also qualified to be,

they were chemical weapons experts. They actually seemed like they know what they're doing because they taught him out of put on the suits and stuff. So they are chemical weapons experts, and he's the wild card. Now that you mention, I don't think he says they are experts, but they know how to do the chemical weapons. They know how to do chasmat. And they can make you a captain. It is possible we're doing like a three amigos but for anthrax.

That's not, yeah, I think that's what we're dealing with. K' K' K'alladi Foo-em. Sorry, sorry. Welcome World Warriors to the second annual Hot Dog Kumete Supreme Division. You are all here because you are the best fighters your country, school, or local strip mall can produce. Let's get this roll call started. Adrian H. It's like you're fighting frog style. I don't know that one. A lot of jumps, I presume.

Alex Nolenberg, Un-Andi, Armando Nava, you're fighting brain style. That's a classic, notorious. Notorious Warriors, the Cranes. Brandon Garlock, Brockway, famously loves the meat millie. Christopher Worthing. See you're fighting crab style. Nice. Dan B.

Dusty's Red title. Elevator. Fate elevator. Love the name. Can you define for me what magical morality elevator style is? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Ah, that's fucked up.

God have mercy on your opponents. Elizabeth Shope, Eric Christian Bird, says here you're also fighting crab style. Don't worry, no rule against pinch it. Jello, Greg Cunningham, Alpha Scientist, Javo. You appear to be some sort of shaved beast entered as a joke? Uh, looking around here, actually, let's do this all at once. Please roar or shriek if you're actually a shaved beast entered as a joke. Got it.

Toasty God. Matt Riley, Devin, the Rogue Supreme, Timi Leahy, Mr. Bob Gray, I'm gonna need you all to step out of line. But good news, we will be holding an all-naked novelty beast division next month. Get your shot. Grumpy Phoenix. Harvey Pengweeney, you will be fighting using Uninvited Uncle style? Gross, man. I'll be a law against you, people.

Up to, but there's not. Welcome to the Kuma Tag. Honk. James Boy. Jared Mountain Man. Jeff O'Raskey, are you... Are you also using crab style? No, no, it's not a problem.

We just try to mix it up a little more here in the Kumitae. John Dean, John McCammon, John Minkoff, all good? Joshua Graves, you... Did you not hear me when I asked all-shaved novelty beasts to vacate the line? Oh, you're not shaved. Oh, you have alopecia, but you are a beast. Let me... No, no, you're right.

Nothing in the rule book. You air but a dame. me, that's a fair play. Justin B, Katzat Studios, Ken Paisley, says here you'll be using gun style. Now does that mean you just brought a gun? No, no rule against it, I'm just, I'm honestly amazed nobody tried it before. Uh, K&M, Lisa, Leopard Queen, you're fighting Leopard style, love to see the classics again. I am curious to see how that will counter gun though.

Am Jahi Chappelle, Mark. Mark, Max Boreau, Michael Lair, you'll be using insane, I don't know this one, insane vehicle style? Oh, oh, I'm sorry, Michael Lair is an insane vehicle and we'll be using American Fender Kenpo Karate. Gotcha. Mort, N.D., Neil Bailey, Neil Schaefer, again, using crab style. What's going on, folks, is there a new dojo in town or what? Must be good. Nick Levino.

Obsolete says here you don't have a style and you're just gonna fucking flip out when you get in there. That's a solid play. Orner Weevil, Ozzie Olin, Patrick Hertz is going to try negotiating. All right. Pee Wee's uncle, practical ZFS, rebrandrew, red wine time, you're using drunken kung fu. Okay, oh, what was that? One more time? I can't, I can't understand.

Oh, no kung fu, you're just drunk. Got it. Rianid, Russell Fowman, Sam Kocknick, Sean Logan Chase uses human tornado style. Hell yeah, man, can you do the noises? That's great, it cracks me up every time. Seed, Taters Tales Thomas Cavatzos, you're using clone Jutsu. I didn't know that was real.

It's not? It's from a cartoon? Then what are you gonna... Alright, never mind, your business. Tommy G. Bilo, Yvonne Clapham, Zach and Eva. Oh, I'm sorry, Zach and Eva. No tag teams in the Supreme Division. You're conjoined.

Can I see where? Oh, excuse me, that makes me the pervert. I'm the pervert for trying to do my job. All right, all right, you have it your way. Super knot. Your crab style. Hold on, hold on, there's something wrong with the rest of my list. Jabber, Al-Aidon, Spotty reception, Dean Costello.

All crabs? You are. Booster. Brian Sailor, Sarah. Crab, crab, crab, all the way down. All right. Whalen Russell, Crab, Elliot Watson, Crab, Neckon 104, Crab, David Schult. What's that? Mud Flat Fiddler style.

Good, I was worried these were all gonna be crapp. Oh, that's a type of crab style. Okay. Space Jam fan, you crab, you crabbing? Okay. Victor Malavankan, no need to answer, I can see you're scuttling right now. Craig Lemoy. Also crab?

Also crab. Oh, Fancy Shark, that's more like it. I got you down as shark style in the fancy subdivision. Good on you, pal. What, what's that? No, you cannot change crab style this late in the game. I don't care how much fun it looks like they're having. All right, all right, folks, settle down, settle down.

Let's get this Kumete started. If you'll all head in through these doors, single file, and hey, hey, craps, crabs, crabs, craps, craps, craps, craps, hey, stop it. Crabs, stop pulling each other back. One of you has to go first.