The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - The Secret Men: Part 9 - The Milan Roll Call with Dennard Dayle

Episode Date: September 23, 2026

Dennard Dayle raises his hand and says "present!" for this episode of The Secret Men: The one where Frank Dux lists all the cool guys he knows, and their many crimes.

Now's in the official podcast of 1900 Hotdog.com. We are the last website. We find broken artifacts and make artisanal human crafted jokes about them every day. Support us and this podcast at patreon.com slash 1,900 hot dog. I'm Sean Baby from the internet, and my partner was voted runner-up foot guy at the bistro jam festival. He's Robert Brockway. I'll take that one. I didn't want first place in that one.

Yeah, that's true. I'm around Brockway. Here's a Brockway fact. I once killed two. Switchblade wheel. Guiding giants in an Italian bar. They both dropped turkey legs, so I got like a full health replenishment afterwards. They named the bar after it.

It didn't have a name before this happened. Man, I'll allow follow-up questions, but only one and only if it's the right one. Why did you let three giants live? Is this the bar called... You've got to decide on your question. Yeah, that seems fine. That's our follow-up question. Which one?

Why did you let three giants live? I'm sorry, it's not the right follow-up question. follow-up questions. Damn it! I always get this multiple choice shit wrong. This bar is called The Legend of the Time, Brockway killed two giants

with a steel comb. I've had a few beers there. It's pretty funny. I'm sorry, that was the right follow-up question. What was the name of the bar? You know what? I'll give it to you. The name of the bar was

Il-Tacino-Assasino. I mean, to the Turkey assassin. That's cool. That's cool. Okay, good. I was going to ask, but that was what we used our follow-up question. Our guest is the author of How to Dodge a Cannonball, a 1,900 hot dog columnist,

and an associate sex brushmaster at Princeton and Columbia, is Dinardale. Hello, hello, and, you know, beyond my sex brush master, you might also be familiar of my memoir, the Complete Adventures of Sherlock Holmes, or my auto fiction, the Iliad. I was Achilles, Hector, and Helen of Troy. Wow, congratulations.

Thank you, thank you. you know, I just figured... Very woke. I picture that, like Jim Carrey, like Ace Ventura, just playing every part. It's like that, but sort of these like, cheap the mask kind of effects. And yeah, it is a nice,

nod-tards property. So I'm trying to tell a new generation of lies, lies that bring society forward while also immensely enriching me, or at least in my mind before I spend the rest of my life defending these lies, which is... Nah, you got to pick one.

I got to pick one? Okay. Yeah, we can't do too. in Richmond or society. You choose. You choose now. I guess I'm going to take the money and just sort of like limp off to the White House, sort of cursing to myself. Like what is it? You chose wisely. Yeah, you chose wisely. Evil and money. That's what we teach the kids today. This is part nine of our, I'm certain to win a Peabody, Frank Dukes readalong of the secret man. If you have several hundred dollars, you can buy your own copy at Amazon. It has been

taken out of circulation. Again, probably because of the many lies or because of the murders he confesses to. A lot of good reasons. They probably wanted to get rid of this book. Today, we are reading from Chapter 12 Murmurs in Milan previously on, let's see, Frank Dukes is on a date. He has been trained in sex by the CIA and the French CIA. And probably is karate master that sold him as a child. I mean, we won't get into that, but probably. So the length of these chapters, What day of this date is this? Has she been through like multiple cycles of like eating and sleeping and listening to Frank Ducks and having jam-based sex at this point? He's had to listen to all these other stories of all the women he's banged.

Like the and how like it's he can't fall in love because he's always off for another spy mission. But that doesn't stop without lovemaking. Incredible. So you've read this full text before, right? Yeah. Yeah, this is a real page turner. Probably multiple times at this point, right? Yeah, I would say so.

Does she tell a story during this entire duck slog? Oh, I think he's... We joke about it, but he's long forgotten about her. She won't come up again, to the best of my recollection. I mean, he started telling this story on a date, and he forgot to, like, back out of that. Incredible. because he gets excited about the next lie. So, I mean, it's sort of a joke,

but technically the entire text does take place on this date because he started being like, you don't know, like, that was the pretense for him to start talking, was, you don't know about the spy world, about the shadow warriors on the twilight moonland of America. And then this is just like, he's still going. You got to just picture him still going, like standing, surely standing on the table at this point,

just completely red in the face. Waiters just running at him, like in possession, just charging him and he's taken him down because he will not stop. He's taken him out with spin kicks. Each one, thwap, thwap, spin kicks, spin kick. The story never stops. As far as setting expectations, and I know I should keep going back to the earlier stuff,

but just coming out the gate with the high fantasy language, like, to know a spy, to know a moon, or however the fuck. Really great expectation setting. That's really close. Yeah. It lets you know exactly the way he talks and like, yes, I am going to talk like this for 350 pages. Yep. Buckle the fuck up. And it seems like the moon is just like a guy who gets really shitty assignments at his government job.

You're like, oh, go check out those chemical weapons, Frank. I don't know. Yeah, sometimes the moon just watches stuff go down and has nothing to do with it. Yeah, nothing to do with it. That sounds like the moon. That is what the moon does. I mean, yeah, in a lot of ways. The various shady ongoings of the underworld and kidnappings that are like are just the tides. It's the moon watching the tides from a distance and saying, man. Oh, that's beautiful. Right?

Now who's the Frank Dukes? Now who's the beautiful prose master? Still Frank Dukes. Small apology to the advanced Duke's experts out there, by the way. Previously, I only knew him through various text deconstructions of lies. So I'm going to mispronounce his name constantly. Ducks will constantly come out Like he's running around quacking as he lies

Oh, you call him Ducks? I thought it was Ducks until That does make the story a lot Cuter, right? If he was just like a Family of Ducks I think it's a nice patch of the ugly ducking. They're just spin kicking everyone in every room they walk into and their shoes that are rigged to explode. It just adds something.

I've played this indie game where you're just a swarm of ducks doing Spy Karate and Jamsex. You got to tell steam that you're... Oh yeah, it's got mixed... It's got mixed reviews. Mm-hmm. Yeah, from the prudes.

The fucking woke mob won't let... Won't let ducks fuck anymore. Well, that's a top review. Jam off a duck's foot anymore. Thanks, Obama. Just a man trying to sell Duck flipper jam sucking simulator. I'm losing my mind.

Sorry, I'm also going insane, everyone. This is a whole thing. It's a good start. Yeah, yeah, we're all doing that. That's the right brain space for you. Take us in. Chapter 12 murmurs in Milan. If you wanted to find any of the big movers in underworld politics, you could always depend on Milan.

My first stop. It was Italy's window to the rest of the world's businesses and banks, as well as the hub for European arms and drug traffic. Rivers of illicit funds and deals ran through Milan. Even Milan's major produce market received millions of dollars hidden in truckloads of oranges or lemons. That's our first stopping point. Now let's stop here. So that's exhaustive then.

It's oranges or lemons. Only the two. That's exhaustive. That's all of them. If you motherfuckers try to smuggle cash in here in broccoli, you're going to be shut down instantly. The jails are just full of people that try to bring it into the cabbage. The farmers markets are flooded, are mere fronts for, like, why?

Why, Frank Dukes? Why did, where did that one come from? I think Frank Dukes walked through the farmer's market and said, I'm going to put this in the book. these guys are definitely doing drugs. Not the cabbage or the broccoli, but those oranges and lemons, those guys, for sure. He's in this farmer's market.

So there was like a 50% chance of this said, there are bullets hiding in every crumb of cheese in this city. Every loaf of bread. This is why he's so special. It's because I've been to many farmers markets and it never once occurred to me that this is all affront for like karate drug running. I was never like,

I was never side eyeballing the lady that sells like artisanal teas, she grows in her backyard and being like fucking heroin dealer. I'm going to roundhouse kick her in the face. That is the kind of thing that crosses my mind at a farmer's market. You're ready. You're more ready than I get real bored of the farmer's market and then I remember, oh, I can retreat into karate fantasy. And I mean, I haven't made a life of it like Frank Dukes did, but like I, you know,

I dabble. It's nice. It's like a prestige class, you know? Franco's Bar didn't appear on any tourist map. But among certain circles, it was as much a landmark as the Duomo, Las Gala, or Leonardo's Last Supper. Wait, is this the bar named after him? Yeah. Incredible.

I didn't even know this was going to happen when I had my intro. The second order consequence of me killing two giants is as known as the Sistine Chapel. They named the church after me. The hanging gardens. Franklangelangelo's. The Library of Alexandria. The place where I killed. two dudes with a comb.

They say all unhappy families are different, and that's why I kill unhappy families with a comb. You've got to be careful, Denard. You're going to be the new dukes. Franco's possessed an international reputation and an international clientele. In fact, according to rumor, Franco's was one of the few bars or restaurants in Milan not having to cough up a considerable percent of its profits in tangente or payoffs. It's in italics, so I thought I'd put a little stank on it. I'm glad that... A little Italian stank.

I'm glad that he added that because we don't have a word for payoffs, except payoffs, which he immediately used. Yeah. Oh, he does know that word. Yeah, that's a good point. In their locals, they call it. Teginti. It was also one of my favorite hangouts in Italy, and the place I'd make, the contacts I needed.

If Delphi 9 was available on the illicit arms market, someone at Franco's would know. Sure enough. The first face I saw when entering was a familiar one. Isn't it nice? Isn't that handy? When you don't have to wait for very long for the mission to pop up? Like, it's the... You like hanging out of the bar named after your egoistic fuck?

Never have to kill time. Like in Grand Theft Auto, the phone calls just right away. Just pops right up. Like, oh, yep. First face. There you go. It's a book. You can just skip over time in one sentence.

Last bar, he had to make those guys talk about sex for one. one full hour. Yeah. And he's like, I'm not doing that again. That was gross. At a corner table, a muscular tattooed forearm lifted a glass of milk to the lips of Jubo Magas. The glass halted in the air.

After a moment to make sure his eyes weren't fooling him, the big man leaped to his feet. Franco! He clasped me in a bear hug that to anyone smaller might have proven lethal. I remember. Wonderful. You wouldn't have survived the hull. that I've survived. Just picture him still on the table in that restaurant of the date.

I have had hugs that would kill him. Look at the size of me. You fool, you think I could be killed by a hug? Huh. You know, if you go to Caracas, there's actually a bar named after a place where he hugged two giants to death. Didn't even mean to. It's a tragedy. It's a sad bar.

Yeah, he lost a lot of friends that way. The one where he killed the two switchblade wielding giants. For the record. that was written, it reads like the guy was lifting milk to someone else's lips. And that's, that's, I, I for sure thought this was going to be much more erotic than it was. Like, I thought this, this disembodied tattoo forearm lifting, lifting the drink to a man's lips was going to be like, they were in an embrace, like spooning. It was, it was kind of like ghost, but with, with Italian wines instead of pottery. Oh, bad. That's what an image. I guess we're saving.

all that for like our teenage grooming. I was just going to say that I think squeezing a man until milk comes out is very erotic. I don't care. Who hears it? That's where I thought he was going because he's such a bad writer. And they're like, I don't, why are we using the passive voice? Okay, so he returned the favor.

He gave him a lethal hug. A milk for my friend, LeJubo bellowed at the waiter I'd never seen before. The Sicilian waiters at Franco's changed almost daily as a precaution. And because Franco's in the mid-1980s, was most certainly being used as a conduit and cover for agents of the mafia. If the DIA, Italy's special anti-mafia force knew about Franco's, though it kept quiet.

Sorry, it was a very clunky sentence and I fucked it up. Please don't judge Frank for the inelegance of his writing. That was my narration that fucked that up. Anyway, that's why I didn't know any of the waiters. Right, that's why. So the bar named after me is also you should just know a total piece of shit. Like, don't go there. It's just all fist fights and criminals constantly.

It's every bartender's first day. They're all agents of the mafia. What the how do you make a drink? What the fuck's the fuck's a grasshopper? That's too high for a good bar. Nobody would know where like where the lemons are. They'd constantly be garnishing your drinks with heroin from the farmer's market. And worst part thing is like it's like a light pour of heroin.

Like you wanted a double shot of heroin and they've given you almost nothing. Yeah, come on, man. I'm a regular. How would I know? It's my first day. Brock, well, you clocked it pretty quick that this is him, like, the only reason he could not know the bartender is if it was some sort of a bartender shuffling undercover mafia scheme. But this also points to Frank's imagination and that, like, when he sits down and writes, he's like, okay, why would I not know the bar? Oh, of course. Of course, it's a mafia exchange program. That's the only explanation for. for why I might not know a bartender in a bar in a different country. All the explanation.

Not too plugged in this spy amongst spies amongst spies. He doesn't even know Thursday's bartender. I like that it's a precaution, too. Like, you got to have fresh bartender every day for security reasons. Right. So that you can get as many people in on the protection racket or whatever it is, the gun running. Everyone has 700 guys they can. can trust to be a bartender and who also could like make an old-fashioned or whatever.

Okay, sit, sit, he encouraged. Juba was a no-nonsense, Serbian outlaw, and ex-boxer, as tough as they came. After surviving a stabbing that cost him a kidney, he had resumed his boxing career. Hell, I'd box with only one arm. He had roared at me one time. What's a kidney? We had hit it off from the beginning. Help me, what's a kidney?

They took one. I need to know where that is. Do I need it? Right. That might be an English. barrier. Like, what's one kidney would probably be the better way to put that. I got what he was going for, but it's crazy to, like, I also get like where the setup is. Like, this is, you know, the Star Wars canteen or whatever. Like, you're going to pan over guys

and missing an eye, he's got an eye patch. He's got a hook for a hand. It's a, it's a pirate bar. You're like, this guy's only got one kidney. Like, no, that's not, it's not as tough as you think it is. It's hard to do dialysis every four days or he'll die. He's kind of a general. He's kind of a generous DM because he also like stacks lies on other people. Like he has enough and then he has to add that he is a boxer who's done this kidney thing. Yeah, that's only his way to create a colorful character is just to stack a series of lies on top of it until you're like, oh, I'm going to remember that. I'm going to remember the ones being milk eroticist.

We'd hit it off from the beginning, a strange connection indeed since Serbians tended to be loners. They operated alone and possessed a reputation for savagery mitigated only by their own Code of Honor. They might kill one another with a viciousness horrifying to those outside the code, but no Serbian outlaw informs on another Serb. I think Lil Jubo respect me because of my fighting abilities. He had seen me

fight under circumstances in which savagery was necessary for survival. Perhaps the fact that he never understood... I just want the record to show that I thought that the sentence, they might kill each other at random was like a comedy ad lib, and then he kept going, he just wrote that. This is just what this

book is like. Yeah. He's just a fucking train of momentum. They kill people randomly because of a special code that allows that. He keeps having to pause to explain why people might respect him. Like, why don't I know the bartender? I need a lie for that. Why doesn't anybody respect me? Well, I need a lie for them to respect me because they would have to have a reason.

Clearly, they're not just because they met me. Yeah, most people make fun of me. I would read a weekly magazine newsletter or whatever of just him. going to the supermarket and describing how everyone clocks him as a super spy death machine and coweres in his presence or just stares yearningly at his exposed junk. And I think it would be the highlight of my Thursday morning every time. That's what we're doing right now. It's true.

It's true. You tapped it before he did. For a lot of people, that's what this podcast is. Yeah. Perhaps the fact that he never understood me played a part in our friendship. I mystified him. He couldn't understand why with my abilities, I didn't actively join the underworld and rise to the top. Oh, my God, you'd be the best.

You're the deadliest man. It's so dense. That one time I, it is. I'm not a criminal, but if I was, I'd be the top criminal. And he knew that. He knew that theoretically I would be the best criminal. You could be drinking milk in the bar with one kidney. This could be your life, bro.

You could be a king of this place. The novelization of like Grand Theft Auto 3 or something, you know, they'd say, okay, real it in, you got to, the character has to do some stuff in front of people before we start having everyone treating you as the fucking murder Messiah. He's, his version of the grimy underworld really has that Skyrim logic where he just walking through, and everyone's like, my God, the Dukson one that's foretold is here. Well, this is named Franco's because he killed two giants here. Oh, right. I forgot that we are in a place named after him. If we're doing Skyrim, it'd be like if two giants watered into one of those taverns and you killed both of them and blew all the turkey legs everywhere. Oh, yeah. I think that's the companions. That's a companions spotline. I once in Skyrim, I had pissed somebody off and then like played the game for like, I don't know, months.

And I went to a bar and just rested for like five straight days. I was trying to do some fucking thing. And the guy had been chasing me the whole time I was playing and came into the bar and the whole. place tried to kill him and it, I thought that was probably the greatest video game moment. I was like, this kind of shit happens in this. This is, this is why people love video games. I'm going to lay actual money right now that that's what the rest of this chapter is like. I bet that happens right now. Somebody's going to run in and try to kill him. Everybody is so in love with Frank Dukes, they immediately turn on him. The door is going to like slash in half like that sort of delayed martial arts flick effect. And he's going to be there saying, you try to shock me to death

In the middle of our karate test, you piece of shit, what is wrong with you? I'm here for payback. Tutsa's been jockeing since fucking St. Louis. Just slowly following that tracker. Just gotta kill Frank Dukes. It's the only thing in its AI. Just gotta kill Frank Dukes. LeJubo spent a lot of time in Milan and was well known to Italy's criminal pole.

But he worked in Frankfurt. Well, Juba dominated a large part of the Frankfurt underworld, along with this partner, Raid, Sente Caldovich, a handsome rogue. who sported the finest items he could get his hand on. The finest items. Finest items. They haven't populated yet, but whatever they are, of top class rarity.

We just got green squares on him until it fucking loads their graphics. You loot that boy, you're getting something exotic. It's like, this is a man that scales to your level. I know we're using so, we end up using so many video game references, but that's because he lives inside a video game where he's the main character. It is that level of reality. It's kind of crazy.

the finest items. Whatever possible, Ray traveled to Italy to play high-stakes poker. He had picked up the handle of Sente from his habit of never betting more or less than 100,000 liar.

Later. Hold on. Look, I know that sounds awesome, but that doesn't work. Because, like, that keeps him out of a lot of high-stakes games. Yeah. So he's just walking up to the,

table from casino reality. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, not for me. Not for me. Sorry, guys. You go do your cool Interpol thing. I'm going to go... Like, less is good if you said he never bet less, but that you threw more in there means that you can push him out every single time. Well, I bet a 110,000. Are you in? What's that? You fold again. It's like a Silver Age Batman villain. It's just like this guy. You're like, what, what's your thing? I only like the number 100,000, Batman. Okay, man. Well, I got a hundred and one thousand here.

A-e-e! In Gotham's gambling underworld, he's known as bitch boy. He'd just be a fucking chump. He'd be pushed out of every poker game immediately. He can't gamble for shit. Later, he would become the reputed head of the Gambino crime family in Munich and is credited with having outsmarted the German judicial system so badly

the German officials changed the law specifically to deport him. His specialty involved sophisticated arms deals. According to those in the know, he currently supplies all sides in the war in former Yugoslavia with everything from bullets to tanks. If I needed hardware, he was the man to see. You have to buy 100,000 tanks. What a spin-off.

Am I making sense? I just him in the supermarket and go, that's Claudine. she stacked Spaghettios, SpaghettiOs, full of uranium. She'd been smuggling material into Iran for 20 years. And when the situation got hot, profits got hotter. You're doing it. They call her cat mouth, because she only ate cat.

Indistinguishable. What a magician. Whether he was dealing in bio-weapons, however, I wasn't certain. I'd soon find out. Right, because Delph-Feylon. I mean is some sort of unspecified by a weapon that we named after a James Bond book. Since the 1960s, Germany was a home away from home for the Yugoslavian and Sicilian mafia. German police either didn't realize or else turned a blind eye.

The mafia was everywhere, hiding among hardworking Italian immigrants and working just as hard. Behind the pizza parlors, though, they dealt drugs and weapons and laundered money. For years, Germany had provided the Turkish mafia at central outpost for drugs and arms shipments as well. So you can't go on the farmer's market or any pizza parlor, at least not in Germany. If you get German pizza, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, it comes with a gun on it. As far as pure improvised lying, the way that behind the pizza parlors jumps out at you, like a fucking speeding truck, it's, but yep, magical, magical. I never want, that's behind everything. There's like, there's not an ethnic business that isn't a front for the underworld.

I wonder what that means about you, Frank Dukes. I wonder what kind of worldview is implied by this. I like the confidence, too. It's not like you're saying, in my experience or like, I haven't checked every pizza parlor, but like, I've been to two that had drugs. Are we still in Italy? Like, what? It's been talking about Germany for so long.

You're like, why did you, nothing happened? I want an Atlas by this man, just country by country by supermarket. Call it the Atlas of Dukes. I will fund this. the world according to Dukes. Yes, the Dukespedia. I'm not kidding. So far, the only thing that has happened is this guy hugged him and said,

Franco, a milk for my friend, sit, sit. And now he's in Germany, detailing, like, which pizza parlors are fronts for arms. Like, he just got so distracted. I'm going to disagree, because it looks like, sure, nothing's happening in his life. I don't give a shit about his life. His filter on reality, I could kind of just mainline this nonsense for a while. Yep, it's the best. LeJubo's about to say his fourth sentence to Frank.

He says, so, you fighting? Ljubo demanded, I want to be there. I retired, I informed him. No, how can you do such a thing? You break my heart. A man must fight his entire life. He pounded on his broad chest for emphasis. There are different ways of fighting.

I feel like I'm learning new racial stereotypes. I'm never going to look at a one kidney sub the same way again. Sure. I'm going to punch him in the face And I know he'll respect that Like I'm just downloading the racism of the 1980s A man must fight all his life What are you doing right now?

You're having a milk, man He's having a milk I feel like that's a good way to start a fight Because to Frank Dukes If you order a milk in the bar That's how you start a fist fight Somebody like a milk I'll kill you for that

You son of a bitch So is this like the bar from The Furious This is a bar where you go in And you just M&A fight in the middle of it. A thousand percent. You mean paradise Valhalla? This is a bar where Daredevil comes in and beats people until he gets the information he wants.

And that's the only purpose it'll ever serve. And Frank Dukes is the Daredevil today. It just immediately starts looking around for big guys. Kill that guy. Kill that giant. It's entertainment, man. If you kill three, we'll name the bar after you. You know how, like, if you can't pay in a comic strip, they make you, like, wash dishes in the back?

At this bar, they make you, like, stuff the drugs in that one room in the raid where he's running in through the end. That's their, that's their, and there's always a guy running through for that rampage. That is every night. And they will always put non-payer's in front to get jump kicked first. You got to push all the grenades into the oranges. A man must fight his entire life. He pouted on his broad chest for emphasis.

There are different ways of fighting, I responded. I'm giving my head a break before it gets broken. You know how many times I've been hit and kicked in the head? Old Jubo grinned, about as many as me. You must have a harder head. I remember. thinking, that guy's head has got to be solid rock. There's nothing inside.

Just solid rock. Coming from old Jubo, such a statement was I knew a compliment. You got the brain damage too. I got the brain damage. I say about Franco, his head is a very damaged. Okay, so he took it as a compliment. To Logo, taking blows to the head was more impressive that any amount of brains could ever be. Hey, let me ask you a question.

I guess this is my Serbian impression. Let me ask you a question. You want to just walk around. You think everything affronts since you got the brain damage? You think everybody smuggling guns? Because that's what I do. Sorry to all the Serbs. I know that was very accurate, but probably hurtful.

In our defense, our education in your culture has been through Frank Duke. So I'm currently running under the impression that Serbians built the Great Wall of China. A bunch of fucking one-kid milk drinkers. Again, I'm sorry. I know that was not appropriate. Remember, Voyo? He asked, how could anyone forget Voyo? I answered. Voyo Goric was one man I'd definitely hesitate bumping heads with. If ever there was a living evidence of a missing link in Darwin's evolutionary ladder, it was Voyo. And no one I heard of ever beat him in a fist fight.

Even if Voya was fighting more than one opponent at a time. Heel Joubo once took on an entire soccer team of anti-Serbian slabs. and after reducing the team to pulp, forced them to sing Serbian folk songs until they finally lost their voices as well as their balls. We will beat you into choir. Okay, I've been lying for 20 years

how to make you believe me. If I make everyone else as big or bigger a liar, I will come through as the king of earthly humility. Exactly. Yeah. Frank Dukes' story sounds pretty normal compared to this insanity. He's incapable of finding like a normal finish line. Like he just has to keep going until like it ends and it can only end in like death and destruction. So like you can't, the story can't end with them forcing them to sing these humiliating songs.

No, they have to do it until their voices give out. Yes. Like the pinnacle of feel. They have to tap out their voices. And then their balls have to fall off. Like, what was that last one? What? It has to be hyperbole.

But how can you pick it out of all of the other? It's just four stacks of hyperbole. And then you're like, this one's the joke. How would I know? If I could ask Frank Duke's one question, it would not be, hey, did those Slavic balls really fall off? But it would, if I had 100 questions, it might make it in it. Yeah, 99, for sure. Yeah.

It has kind of the opposite. I have the opposite experience of like a bad fantasy novel where every time a new proper noun comes in to this book, I am so excited. There's going to just be a little short story about how this is the inventor of the right jab. Like, twos, that's him. That's him. I like the idea that when Frank doesn't know a ton about a people,

he's just like, oh, you know, what does a Serbian make a Slav do? Probably sing their fucking national anthem, right? Like, it's just like, it's such a surface level guess at what these fucking people might do. It's better than what the Italians and Germans got. Yeah, they like drug pizzas. They make drug pizzas. I'll take the Serbian stereotypes. Every cultural sketch is like a Boris Natasha level thing,

and it's kind of delightful at a broken brain kind of way. Yeah. The tone of Ljubo's question worried me. He's not in prison, is he? Ljubo shook his head, muttering, worse. Dead? Even worse, Ljubo said, maintaining his dead pan. Married.

He's living in America. Oh, damn it. I knew where we're going for a punchline. I went the wrong direction. I'm glad he said Deadpan before that, because I would have sang that. There's no way I wouldn't have sang that without the context. I'm glad that to enhance the reality of what he's doing.

He makes sure to use the stock comic rally of like, nah-uh, nah-uh. Uh-uh. Yeah. Everything's got this like, emetic escalation that, but he can't write a punchline. His punchlines are fucking deranged. I guess we have to put into asterisk.

You can't write an intentional punchline. Yeah, it's a monkey's small situation. Yeah. He has to be like the funniest man alive and this is what happened. Action Pagliaki. He's like, why am I a ninja? I asked to be the funniest man alive. He's like, no, go tell somebody about just.

He's going to kill. It's funny. The prospect of being reunited with four years. when I got home, if that is, I got home. Put me in a good mood. Just waiting for him in the middle of America? You're just going to reunite with him because he's in America? He's in America.

I'll see him soon. I'm at the south end of America. Come find me. He had always referred to me as his Jewish brother. And in fact, later on, Voyo and I did meet up again in Los Angeles when Voyo had landed himself a job as a bodyguard for Sylvester Salone. Not only that, but Voyo had appeared on the big screen as well. In Rambo, too, he played the...

the Russian spitz nets, that Soviet special forces, soldier rambo fights in the helicopter. During the filming, Voyo shouted at Stallone to punch him for real. His intensity spooked big and little Tony, Stallone's other bodyguards, enough to make them draw their weapons on Voyo. Watch me for real. We'll fucking shoot you. We got to shoot this guy, Sly. Let me fucking kill him, Sly. Like many Serbian gangsters, whose volatility and unpredictable rages have prevented the penetrative,

of their small inner circle, Voyo could become explosive without warning. He was also a pretty good actor. It doesn't sound like you. He sounds like he can only, he can't even pretend to get punched. He has to get punched for real. It makes a scene feel real.

When you never know if you're going to try to like shove the boom mic at the director, like a fucking Claymore, it just adds that tension. Yeah. I'm sorry, what would spell his name for me? His name? Uh, Ojuba.

A, C, T, I, O-N. The guy they're talking about. Voio. V-O-Y-O. V-O-Y-O. What was his last name? I don't think he gave it. But I mean...

I thought he said it at the start. In Rambo, too, the Russian Spetsnatsk guy. In Rambo... I mean, there's just the one command of, if I remember. Voislav Govadarika. Oh, hold. I've got some results here. It says he changed his name to a Vin-Diesel later and he's had some success.

Or voyogoric. Oh, there he is. Okay. I'm just seeing if I recognize him. Oh, it's that guy. Yeah. We're talking about that guy. Yeah.

Look him up. You'll recognize him. He's definitely a that guy. Okay. Is the first line on his website? No, I didn't go away. Why don't have his website yet? He says, I am living worse than dead in America.

Sorry to derail, but everybody go look up, look him up. You'll recognize him. He's a real guy. You could ask him how much of this is true. See, here's the thing I love. about Frank Dukes is like when he, you can sense that he's doing this on purpose and that he'll, he'll, he'll, he'll know somebody vaguely famous. And then he'll tell like a bunch of lies about them by way of, you know, incorporating them into his lies. So like, this guy will vouch for my

lies. And then if you go ask, boyo, is all this true? Is it true that you're the coolest fucking guy in the world and that you're tough and crazy? And like, everybody loves you for it. And you have to say yes. You have to. You have to. You have to. You have to. You have to. You have to be like, yeah, I guess the toughest guy in the world. And then Frank Dukes will immediately pop out of a garbage can and be like, So everything I said about me is true then? You testified before God and the law and the internet? All true, all true.

You can ask the third stuntman in Rambo part two. He'll tell you. Yeah, I ate jam off of speed too, right, Voyo? If other stuff is true, this has to be true, right, Voio? But then he's committed. He has to stay. He has to be like, I said he put the jam on the... He is.

He's he very alluringly ate the jam from my feet. It was so alluring, Sylvester Stallone's bodyguards pulled their guns on him. He's got jam on his toes. That is a really great summary of that, like, that lying bank shot he does where, I don't know, the, like, the cinematographer from Bloodsport's going to get a question. Like, were you really the Queen of England? England's secret lover for 20 years. Yeah, sure, fine. Yeah. Thanks, Frank.

Yep. Gotta, gotta say it. Well, I'm gonna, I'm gonna just, this, this is terrible podcasting, and I'm very sorry about it, but I'm just gonna, I'm gonna send you this image I found a boy. Okay. Wow, he's a versatile actor. He couldn't play Native American. Which part of the hero boy nation is Serbia in?

They fully red-faced him. Yeah, he's very bronzed up. They fully red-faced him, gave him a tomahawk. I gotta be honest. That looks fucking awesome. The caption under this, the caption under this that I found was a rest in peace, boy, you'll gore. I love with life's twists.

I have been mocking the dead the whole time. Yeah, but they seem pretty racist. I'm going into business, I told Ljubo. I'm going after something big. I have a client. I stopped abruptly, letting the possibilities multiply in the air all around us, then shrug to let Jubo know that I couldn't talk. But whoever it was, my employer was impressive.

I think mafia guys like that, like unnamed contacts. They love the theatrics. Yeah. Franco, I really like how you stopped and paused and held your hands up just the way to communicate. From what I understand, somebody sparked an anthrax outbreak at a bio-warfare facility in Svidlox. in order to cover the theft of something else. Something bigger. Fucking what?

El Jubo glanced. Fucking who what? El Jubo glanced around the bar. He had stayed alive this long because caution had become a second sense. Yeah, the guy who boxes with one kidney is famous for his caution. Fucking Frank. I sense, that's Stenard's confusion. Much like LeJubo, I have a second sense that is just a primary sense that most people have.

It was in one of the episodes that hasn't aired yet. He says he's stopped. No, he was there for the aftermath of an anthrax outbreak. So now he's like a bio-weapons expert. Right. Only he wasn't. Even in his own story, he was like, why the fuck am I here? And they're like, I don't know.

Put on a suit. We're going to go get some anthrax. Frank himself decided it's because nobody would care if he died. It wouldn't cause a ton of paperwork if this asshole died is basically what he decided. Okay. Well, imagine this is bad strategy to burn your like karate champion on the outbreak. Yeah. You gotta say back then.

So after his like evening as a real life red shirt, I guess, he's now just like an MA and biochemistry whatever fuck. Okay, cool. And apparently that was, the anthrax was just a cover for what they really stole. The real thing is bigger than anthrax, which is just a plus lie. I love it. Every lying paragraph is like a franchise of action schlock material. I understand.

A simple maniac would have stopped at anthrax and been like, that's fucking crazy what I just said. They would have paused and waited for the room. Like, you guys got to throw me out? Because I just said I went into karate and anthrax outbreak. And they're like, no, no, no. Frank Dukes is like, that's just lie. I've got lies I'm going to build on top of this. I've got a Matroiska doll of lies.

That's you guys. that you're to Matroiska people? I've already said it. It's true now. Moving on. Close enough. They stole it from them in the great Matroiska war of 1842. Did I mention my middle names, Matroyska? They're named after me. I killed two Matroyskas in this bar. Not sure what they are. He's glancing around the bar because of his second sense. I heard that, he said, later. I didn't press him. Whatever Ojubo decided to tell me, he would tell me when he was ready.

At the end of the bar stood a man bulging with muscles. An unlit cigarette nestled behind his ear, and he downed a beer as if it were a shot of whiskey. But he shrank back when Aljubo approached the bar to order a Coca-Cola. The movement reminded me of a scene a few years back. Only the man at the bar was a guy known as Veljo Montenegro, a former construction worker who had the reputation of being a habitual gambler and a poor sport. After Veljo shot a man, just to get back the money he had lost in a game of craps,

Sarajevo pickpockets in Munich decided to use him as their protection man and schuster, the one who bumps and holds the victim while a partner relieves him of his wallet from behind. We're back in fucking Germany again? We are nested maniacs this guy remembers now. This is a guy who remembers from a situation from a different place. The guy bulging with muscles isn't this maniac. He just reminded him of a different maniac. Did I get that right?

The movement reminded him of a scene a few years back. Yeah, so that's not that guy. Or at least we don't know that that's that guy yet. The man at the bar, I think is Veljo Montenegro. Okay. But then after Veljo shot a guy, the Sarajevo pickpockets, he would incorporate him in a bump and steel situation. Bump and Grind.

Yeah, they call it. Yeah, they call it the bump and grind. Yeah, he's the grind. And they call it the Tutsi Roll. No, no, no, the butterfly. Yeah, I had it reversed. This is the problem of like John R. Cochran-spamming action movie seeds.

Idiot your description. Like, everyone's collapsing into one er lie. Like, this is basically Johnny Appleseed of the time I kicked some guy's ass. Yes. He's doing it. You know what he's doing is that too many cooks. He's doing everything. He's doing a too many cooks.

transitions to like one too many things and then it's like well this is like a whole different spin on that exact same thing I'm trying to picture this as like a as like a movie because that's how he lives his life this is an inaction movie and we would have been like ripped out that reverse zoom to the satellite level and then zoomed around the globe twice twice yes we would have been ripped out of this bar zoomed around into germany zoomed back into the bar got like four sentences and ripped back out and zipped right back to Germany. Like, where the fuck are we? What is happening? We're on a date.

We're on a fucking date. I do think right now we're in three flashbacks because I think we're on a date talking about the bar and then he saw at the bar that he remembered something and then, oh no, there's a fourth because then he remembered this guy's like past like getting trained as a pickpocket. Oh, it's at least four. I think we're still in like a story he's telling at a CIA convention also. Wonderful. Oh, shit.

There's several others. Yeah, you might be right. We're never, I trust he's such a good storyteller. He's got that the last chapter of this is just going to be closing all of the parentheses. Absolutely. It'll just be. So I finished my story at the convention center. Goodbye, fellas.

So I made sweet love to my date right there on the table. Like, that's all it's going to be. The smartest and most talented pickpockets I have employed while on assignment have been from Sarajevo. So now he's the fucking pickpocket manager? Hold on. That's what Sarajevo's for. You know when you're on shift,

you want a gun pizza? I love it. Because he, we've seen him on missions. He's hidden one garbage can and like, figured out how to put on a chem suit. Like, at no point has he talked about any of his fucking pickpocket managing missions.

God damn it, Frank. Maybe it was like between, you know, electric death traps. He just read a book as a kid and just mastered pickpocketing. Like, he actually pickpocketed a guide on pickpocketing from a pickpocketing master who said, huh, pretty good game kid. But check your pockets. And there's a copy of this book.

Oh, my God, my own life story? Slightly embellished. I took out some of the killing. And look between the pages. That's right. It's me and your mother having sex. Their modus operandi involved working crowded trains throughout Europe. On an average day, they can make more money than a mid-level dope dealer can in a week.

The risk of getting caught depends on how often they fish the same pond. So the Sarajevo pickpockets based in Munich trek throughout Europe during the week, sometimes spending a weekend in Milan before moving on to work, the trains and streetcars of Zurich. He is telling us this story because he saw a guy order a fucking Coke in the bar. It's incredibly inefficient. The overhead on this pickpocketing is massive.

Yeah, you got to, I mean, they've got a real good rail system over there in Europe, so you can be a traveling pick pocket, I guess, is what he's inventing. Someone must do this. I mean, the pickpockets exist. I don't think they have long careers. I hope the pickpocket routes are like formally divided between gangs, like busking spots. I mean, these are. exclusively Serbians we're talking about here, though.

Oh, right. That's why the pickpocketing wars break out. Like, the Serbian line crosses through, you know, the Basque pickpocket line, and it just gets messy. It just gets messy. A bunch of one kidney milk drinking pickpockets. This is getting more convincing racism as a build. No, that sounds real. It sounds like a real thing somebody might think. Austrian police told me that Velja was a brute who preyed on the poor to support his gambling habits.

One night, one night, okay, God, another memory. One night of Milan after he cleaned him out. in a high-stakes game. Velja waited for him outside and shot Raid three times before fleeing into the dark. Raid did not die. But shortly after the shooting, he was apprehended by the authorities and spent a year in jail giving Velja a respite from vengeance. So they got to stop inviting this guy to poker games who literally shoots you if he loses.

No, it doesn't bring up the party. It doesn't bring up the party. He almost starts a whole Oz spin-off within this story. This is a great poker game, though. You got a guy who will only bet a hundred. thousand leery, no more or less. You've got a guy who will shoot you if he loses any hand. We're building a hell of a team here.

The fucking best. You set of a bitch I'm in, Frank. Later, though, old Jubo and Raid reconnected in Frankfurt and received word that Veljo was in Vienna. According to stories, they kidnapped Veljo's friend Roso and forced Roso to set Veljo up using the tail of a high-stakes poker party as a lure. When Veljo entered the room, he had two guns tucked into his pants, but they did him no good.

in a flash a Coke bottle broke against a counter and Veljo died with a slashed throat. The Austrian police. From a Coke bottle? Yeah. With two guns on him? That's got to be embarrassing. Yeah. My brain is snapping.

Again, it's a Johnny Cochran barrage of things. Like, I can't talk about something when I'm... Three lies deep behind the first lie I even wanted to say, no, that's not a thing. Legitimately, where the fuck are we? We flashed... We're in Milan. We flashed into Germany. While we were in Germany, we flash back to Milan. And this is a flash inside wherever we were in Milan. This is European. He's just doing European inception. He's like inceptioning through the European countries. Why did we even meet Velchow? We need to get a kick back to Milan, man. So if the top keeps spinning, then he's still in Serbia, right? That's how we like orient ourselves. Right. I guess. I'm going to have to look that up. Somebody smartly has a theory.

Yes. Okay. So the Austrian. This is Veljo, the guy at the bar, we just did his life story. It was three paragraphs long and he got stabbed in the neck with a Coke bottle. And the Austrian police barely investigated. They were glad to be rid of him. In the old days, Franco's became even livelier late at night, especially after the boisterous entrance of a man known as boss. God damn it, we're meeting another guy.

Yes, yes. Okay. How many guys will we meet? The name of this chapter better be just mean guys. So Frankos used to be great because there used to be a guy named Bosco who would come in and he was a lot. So later, I heard he became a mafia chieftain and was reputed to be a U.S. organized crime boss, John Gotti's personal button man. The last rumor circulating about Bosco involved his kicking the hell out of a half dozen law enforcement officers trying to cuff him and shooting three of them with their own guns. He is now thought to be hiding out with their own guns.

So not. Not with one of their guns. Each one. He pulled the gun out of each one. Emptied it, threw it like a boomerang. That guy got stunned by the gun. John Wic, that guy's gun. Yep.

So I can only assume that he found just 10 terminally depressed cops who saw him each other god and said finally the end, freedom release. And just watched it. That guy seems awesome. Like it's not even more efficient at that point. You steal one. cop's gun, you kill three cops with it. Nobody clip that.

But if you're stealing a gun from each cop in a row and then shooting him with it, it has to be for like a point? Does it hurt, does the irony hurt more? I think, you know, you're saying John, he was John Wicking people. I think if John Wick was

in some kind of like rush hour scenario where there was like a wackier death machine, you had to tell, take the mission seriously, that would happen. Wait, no, I got it. It's not a crime if you shoot a cop with his own gun because then the cop does it. And if a cop does it, it's not a crime. That is a very good point. Yeah.

Hello, everyone I just wanted to make sure everyone listening knows that this is legal advice. We are giving you legal advice right now to apply. If you shoot a cop of his own gun, you're in the clear. So if you need to shoot three cops like Frank Dukes's good friend, Bosco, you need to take three of their guns. And do not mix it up. If you shoot one cop with a different cop's gun, that does not count. you're still being a lot of trouble for that. Maybe that's the end of the podcast.

We have, yeah. It might be the end of my personal freedom. Wait, wait, before we leave, how many chapters did we get through? Zero. I'm sorry, I have no impulse control with this material. Every, okay, every clause in this, like, somewhere before the subject can get to the predicate,

something fucking crazy has happened. Yeah. It's great. I swear to God, we're slowing down because the chapters get more. They're just, it's somehow accelerating. You thought it started out crazy. Like chapter one, I think, had the sex brush. We were like, what the fuck? It's starting out with the sex brush. Let me just finish the paragraph and see if let's make sure he just doesn't introduce any more new characters. Okay. So, so he's shooting three of them with their own guns. He is now thought to be hiding out in the Italian Alps. In the old days, if he needed a strong arm, Bosco was the person to see. At the bar, he was often accompanied. by Marco, a smuggler who can get anything I wanted wherever I wanted it. It's fucking compulsive. It's like distant star for morons. I just, I love it.

Was that the end of the paragraph? Yes, that was it. Just two new guys. That was the, I'm just, this whole time, I've just been picturing like a poker table and there's one guy and then another guy will just pop into existence right next to it each time. Now I'm just Marco. I'm here the whole time.

I died from a Coke bottle. I killed three cops. Don't tell anybody I'm here. It's a beautiful book. Meeting the boys with Frank Dukes. Who was it that said the Too Many Cooks thing? Because that's really fucking ab for this. I think that...

It's exactly what this is. They didn't know they were making a secret man adaptation, but they did. I love it so much. If at the end, if this chapter ends and they don't all have sex, I'm going to be devastated. There's no chance of that not happening. a sexual dynamo, like someone Irresistible, has to come in.

Like, he's running out of things for him to be. So one must be like the hottest person in the... Oh, that's him. Mm-hmm. He's the sexual dynamo. He was trained by our tax dollars. To fuck. Money well spent.

Five, think, just punch. Fuck, yeah. Secret Man. Welcome World Warriors to the second annual Hot Dog Kumete Supreme Division. You are all here because you are the best fighters, your country, school, or local strip mall

can produce. Let's get this roll call started. Adrian H. It's like you're fighting frog style. I don't know that one. A lot of jumps, I presume. Alex Nolenbergh, un-Andi. Armando Nava, you're fighting crane style. That's a classic, notorious warriors, the cranes. Brandon Garlock, Rockway famously loves the meat millie. Christopher Worthing. See you're fighting crab style. Nice. Dan B. Dusty's red title. Fate elevator of the name. Can you define for me what magical morality elevator style is? Uh huh, uh huh. That's fucked up. God have mercy on your opponents. Elizabeth Shope. Eric Christian Bird says here you're also fighting crab style. Don't worry. No rule against pinch it.

Jelloho. Greg Cunningham. Alpha scientist Javo. Uh, you appear to be some sort of shaved beast entered as a joke uh looking around here actually let's do this all at once please roar or shriek if you're actually a shaved beast entered as a joke got it toasty god matt riley devon the rogue supreme timie lehie mr bob gray i'm going to need you all to step out of line but good news we will be holding an all-naked novelty beast division next month get your shock grumpy phoenix harvey pangweeney you will be fighting using Uninvited Uncle style? Gross, man. I'll be a law against you people. Up to but there's not. Welcome to the Kumate. Hunk. James Boyd. Jared Mountain Man. Jeff Arraski,

are you? Are you also using crab style? No, no, it's not a problem. We just try to mix it up a little more here in the Kumete. John Dean, John McCammon, John Minkoff, all good? Joshua Graves, You, did you not hear me when I asked all shaved novelty beasts to vacate the line? Oh, you're not shaved. Oh, you have alopecia. But you are a beast. Let me, no, no, you're right. Nothing in the rule book.

You air-budded me. That's a fair play. Justin B. Katzat Studios. Ken Paisley says here you'll be using gun style. Now does that mean you just brought a gun? No, no, no rule against it. I'm just, I'm honestly amazed. Nobody tried it before.

Uh, K&M, Lisa. Leopard Queen, you're fighting leopard style. Love to see the classics again. I am curious to see how that will counter gun, though. Amjahe Sheppel, Mark, Max Baroy. Michael Lair, you'll be using, uh, insane, I don't know this one, insane vehicle style? Oh, oh, I'm sorry, Michael Lair is an insane vehicle

and we'll be using American Fender Kenpo Karate. Gotcha. Mort. Indeed. Neil Bailey. Neil Schaefer. Again, using crab style. What's going on? Folks? Is there a new dojo in town or what? Must be good. Nick Levino, obsolete. Says here you don't have a style and you're just gonna fucking flip out when you get in there. That's a solid play. Ornery Weevil, Ozzie Olin. Patrick Hertz is going to try negotiating. All right. Pee Wee's uncle, practical Zia. F S, rebrandrew, red wine time, you're using drunken kung fu, okay, oh, what was it, what was that? One more time, I can't, I can't understand. Oh, no kung fu, you're just drunk, got it. Rianid, Russell Fowman, Sam Cotnick, Sean Logan Chase uses human tornado style. Hell yeah, man, can you do the noises?

That's great, it cracks me up every time. Seed, Tater's tails. Thomas Cavatzos, you're using clone Jutsu. I didn't know that was real. It's not. It's from a cartoon? Then what are you gonna... Alright, never mind, your business. Tommy G.

Bilo. Yvonne Clapham. Zach and Eva. Oh, I'm sorry, Zach and Eva. No tag teams in the Supreme Division. You're conjoined. Can I see where? Oh, excuse me, that makes me the pervert.

I'm the pervert for trying to do my job. All right, all right. No, you have it your way. Super knot Your crab style Hold on, hold on there's something wrong with the rest of my list Uh, Jaber Al Aden

Spotty reception Dean Costello All crabs You are Booster, Brian Sailor Caryl, Crab, Crab, Crab All the way down All right

Whalen Russell, Crab Elliot Watson, Crab Necker 104 Crabb David Schulte What's that? Mud Flat Fiddler Style Good, I I was worried these were all gonna be cra-

Oh, that's a type of crab style. Okay. Space Jam fan, you crab? You crab, you crabbing? Okay. Victor Malavankan, no need to answer, I can see you're scuttling right now. Craig Lemoy.

Also crab? Also crab. Oh, fancy shark, that's more like it. I got you down as shark style in the fancy subdivision. Good on ya, pal. What's that? No, you cannot change crab style

this late in the game. I don't care how much fun it looks like they're having. Alright, all right folks settle down settle down let's get this kumete started if you'll all head in through these doors single file and hey Hey craps grabs grabs grabs grabs grabs hey stop it crabs stop pulling each other back one of you has to go first