The Doug Stanhope Podcast - 10 Min Podcast: Day 01 Audible Recording

Episode Date: June 2, 2016

Order Doug's book "Digging Up Mother: A Love Story" on Amazon , Barnes & Noble  and at DougStanhope.com   Day 1 of the Audible recording session.Recorded May 31, 2016 at the Fun House in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope), Chad Shank (@HDFatty), Chris O'Connor (@ChristophrOconn), Bruce from Audible, and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Ggreg Chaille.  LINKS: Follow us on Periscope - @DougStanhope @GregChaille @HDFatty   Audible.com - http://www.audible.com   Closing song, "The Only One Drinking Tonight", by Mishka Shubaly. Available on iTunes.   Doug's DVD/CDs are all available at DougStanhope.comSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

I tried to find cocaine for this. I thought I'd need it. And maybe I did. Adderall Jack, for the first time, showed up. I only have Xanax. Well, I gotta do a book on tape. I keep saying a book on tape. An audio book.

There's no tape. So, yeah, I had to settle for coffee. I am here with uh greg chaley bruce from uh audible.com should we do a commercial for it audible.com do you want to hear this book on tape that we just did day one of allegedly four days we're supposed to do this book on tape and you know look in his eyes chad shank do you think he thinks we're gonna get this done in four days not a fucking chance he knew when he walked in we didn't even start and he knew he'll make it work i said yeah i think i read one paragraph and went hang on mimosas We need drinks to get this to work.

Chad Shank is here. Chris O'Connor from page 35 of Digging Up Mother. This is so much fucking fun having this many people that are part of the book. I keep forgetting people like Hennigan's in the book. Matt Becker's in the book. They're all going to be here in the next five weeks so we can do all this.

I read the chapter about you then we could talk shit me and oki talk shit about whatever we can remember from the day pretty much 13 years old egging cars throwing shit bags and buses pyro techniques pyro shit let's not do pyro shit because it's fire season here and that's that's really frowned upon but tonight before you leave because you're leaving in the morning i found myself in reading the book when i could get through a sentence putting the massachusetts accent in it because oki's here and i picked it up over the last three days. It was like a horror movie. I'm like, what am I saying? That's all fucking okie. One thing that was great to hear today with this session

was about the Chandler Junior High with the dress. Because I remember that day. It wasn't a dress. It was a pantsuit. Yes. It was a woman's pantsuit, quite obviously. I remember this vividly because I was with you before school It was a pantsuit. Yes. It was a woman's pantsuit, quite obviously. I remember this vividly because I was with you before school when you were getting dressed and doing all that stuff,

going to school and seeing you get caught in the hallway by the principal, Chuck Burak. Fuck you, Chuck Burak. No, it was awesome because it was a big swarm. It was like a school fight. You know how everybody swarms around? But Chuck Burek had you pinned against the wall. And Doug, what are you doing?

I had a good defense. There's no school dress code. Why can't I wear some old woman's swirly, multicolored polyester pantsuit with a Flava Flav clock around my neck? And the big Sophia Loren glasses. Don't forget those. I forgot those.

That's why it takes a village to write a book. Chad Shank fucking saved my ass on this. I've been talking shit about how i read like bill burr but bill burr would have been in here shaking his head in shame at how many times just one word i couldn't get through what's that i can't i'm the one i was repeating anyway a million chad shank came in and read chapters for me smooth as fucking glass

immediately I go outside to take a piss and have one cigarette I go I need to break my jaw literally doesn't hurt but it feels like your arms when you did one push up past what your limit was my jaw felt like that.

And I left, and I come back in, and Bruce is handing Chad Shank his business card, going, no, we'll set you up with your own studio. Jesus, yes, please do. Please set it up now so I don't have to read the rest of this fucking book. One of the other things from this session today also is the part where

you start with you and jeff are fucking pigs that's fucking great because i did i saw it i saw the cellar i saw all the cups the plates the macaroni and cheese that might be seven months old and the frothy cups of old coffee or this and that orange juice yeah orange juice when citrus rots it smells so fucking bad and we wouldn't pick up after ourselves we'd put a book over the top of the glass so this thing couldn't get out and rather than bring it to the kitchen and that's what the funny thing and then all of a sudden, you got the presents, like the titty cup and the piece of shit or whatever. But the titty cup ended up down there. Chipped.

Remember, it had a chipped nipple. My mother bought me a tit mug. It's a coffee mug, but it's shaped like a big tit. You drink out of the nipple. And I remember chipping the nipple and feel like, I felt like I just fucking spray painted the Mona Lisa. Because my fucking tit cup. Chad Shank.

We did 10 hours today, basically. You guys did awesome, though. Excellent read. You're looking pretty fucking rough. I'm tired. I got up early this morning. I didn't know what to expect. This was fucking pretty interesting.

And I got to eat at Jimmy's. See, everyone had an experience. Highlight of the day. I did the brisket. Bruce, this is what Brian Hennigan would ask you. Hopefully they're dead so you can be honest. Your worst audio book you ever had to do uh there's been a few but uh god well tell us a dead one so you can say it honestly i could i

could do it off the podcast i couldn't i well i alluded to one earlier i can't say the name okay the guy with dementia that we're both putting in our death pool? Yeah, that'd probably be top of the list. Yeah. Didn't know what room he was in or what he was reading, and we get to the bottom of the page and then start at the top of the same page again. Was he re- Anyway, let's get on with the fucking podcast. We'll edit that out.

No one listens to the podcast, don't worry. No one listens to the podcast. Don't worry. Don't tell the guy from Audible that. All right, then how about us? Are we below or above 50% of the worst? Combined effort, definitely above. You alone, if I'm being honest.

A little, hovering a little below, but it's your first book. first day is always the roughest day I can't read for shit but you did better than you thought I think you're a better reader than you let on because I was at the the Barnes and Noble signing

that you did and you didn't think you'd get through the letter at the end spoiler alert for people who haven't read the book but the Chris the

I was worried about getting through it without getting emotional. And two times on this, I'm like, I don't know if I can read this without crying. At one point, I left here and went and called my grandma because you were crying. So I went to talk to my grandma since my mom's dead. Tracy cried a little bit.

So did Deb. Deb Stocks cried while Tracy's reading, but Tracy was so involved in trying to read that she didn't cry until later, and then she cried. I choked up. I go, give me a minute on this because I had someone else read that what what

kelly read that letter from my mom to my grandmother i was fucking choking up facing the other way outside kelly read that really well she did fucking great uh so we have a bunch of people over the next month that are in the book coming to. We're trying to. We don't know what the fuck we're doing. Bruce showed up. I don't even know who's showing up. They go, well, they're coming down at 1030 on Tuesday morning.

Well, I don't know who's coming down. I said to Chaley earlier, I said, maybe it's just a dude who's going to say, I don't know, I'm a sound engineer. What are you guys going to do? And then it's fucking, hey, there's no teacher in class. I had notes. I had them worked out. You had everything worked out.

He's wearing a Mishka Shibali T-shirt. I go, this is going to work. It's going to work. I thought it was either going to work or Chaley was fooling us with just getting some homeless dude from Bisbee and throwing a Mischka shirt on him and bringing him up. What a job. So that was day one, and that was 10 hours,

and we didn't really hit quota. It's supposed to be 75 pages a day. We're close. You guys did great from hearing. It was awesome. You know? Really did sound great. Well, if I had my druthers, I'd just start drinking more and go,

I'm going to plow through another 100 pages that I don't remember saying. Probably wouldn't work out that well. Or better. Well, what was funny was reading earlier, you know, that's the most I've thought about your father and everything, you know. I thought about him again and everything. It was great to really read that. But actually reading, my fucking one eye is on the next line below and i'm reading two

different lines at once and it stinks and then everyone's sitting in here and you know everyone's fucking bored that's why i try to switch people out fucking get oaky in here because otherwise he's just gonna sit there and fall asleep and it's really not a good audience. Don't ever think I'm bored, and I fucking might look tired, but this is fucking really interesting to me. I'm being completely honest. The first time I heard an audio book, I wanted to be a part of one, so this is fucking really cool to me. Well, yeah.

The only time I had fun was watching other people read it where I didn't have to. I like the little asides, like when you went off script and then you had a conversation with Oki, and you had a little story that added a little flavor to a story that was in the book. So that's kind of an added feature. And we have at least seven more people that were part of the book

coming in over the next month that were're going to go off script every time they come up and we'll talk about what we remember about that time right you haven't mentioned mishka is going to be here as well and that's a very powerful part of the book that's one of the seven that's what i mean you didn't mention earlier becker mishka patty patty sarah uh buck hennigan uh is in the book uh betty she's all over the first chapter and betty's special guest that she's lining up the mortuary guy oh if she can get the mortuary guy that tried to put bingo in the fucking hearse we can get him that's a coup bruce came down again we had no idea how this works.

We've never done this before. First book, first audio book. Bruce comes down with fucking notes and post-its in the script, in the manuscript. And he goes, hey, I was thinking for Ginger, that bartender, is Margo available? And Chaley's like, no, she's in mexico and i go chad shank sounds just like margo chad shank can do ginger that's fucking gorgeous whatever works

we can actually drop this isn't a bus stop we could drop uh chad's voice in post-production to get margo's timber to drop it to the floor. Give me this isn't a bus stop one time. This isn't a bus stop. Perfect. I just want to thank everybody here. It's great to see you again,

Doug. It's been a totally interesting experience. Great to see you again doug it's been a totally interesting experience great to see you again and the audio book it's unbelievable okie's leaving in the morning i told him i'd tweet this and i remind me tonight because this is going out i don't know what uh route you're taking back but he's driving from arizona southern, southern-ish. To New England. Back to Massachusetts. So, yeah, if you have a hookup, a couch, you own a bar, you want Okie at your place, just tweet at him

because we made him get a Twitter account and he picked the most fucked up, unmemorable handle. It's at... Go ahead. Christoph Ocon. C-H-R-I-S-T-O-P-H-R-O-C-O-N-N. Christoph Orr. There's an R and a weird R.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. One more time. You're reading it and he can't get it right. That's how fucked up it is. Jesus. Okay, so Christopher O'Conn. C-H-R-I-S-T-O-P-H-R-O-C-O-N-N. That's my rap name when I'm woofing up Kenny.

He did well against Kenny, but I think Kenny ultimately Well, he practices every day. Come on. The night before, you were practicing fucking Oki was rapping to Led Zeppelin songs and shit that weren't rap songs.

He's freestyling. We were pretty shit-faced that night. Good times, good times. It was the Jack Isles, wasn't it? That's where it started. We periscoped. Yeah, we periscoped that one. Get on my periscope at Doug Stanhope.

I don't know how to use it, but Chaley set it up on my phone. We were going to Periscope tonight when Chad Shank was reading my story of my... One, two, three. I pointed at you while he was reading it because it was you. I hadn't seen the Saturday Night Live bit, but you'd quote it all the time. Fred Garvin. Male prostitute. And that's what I turned into that night.

That cookie story's fucking awesome. And Chad read it. And you only, yeah, what'd you get, the 30 bucks? Instead of the 50? I got the 30. At least you got something. Yep. Instead of, you could have walked home, too.

Got a ride, at least. You know? I was underage. I was only 17 17 so i think i'm a rape victim and a former sex worker technically as long as it's good on paper i i'm a fucking victim so you should really support my book if you support sex workers rights victimization child abuse white white slavery. I guess I could throw that in there. I had to stay the night.

I'll testify. I read the story and almost gagged. It's bad. Is there such thing as a secondary victim? I feel like a victim myself at this point. You did stop at some point. Yeah, I was laughing. It's a funny fucking story.

All right. I think we're... That's a brief podcast. It's an update. We have three more days scheduled to finish this book on tape. And then we get a month of people coming in

that we can plug in as director's commentary to the book on tape, but just getting through reading 336 pages. I want to thank you guys all again. It's great to meet you. The drive here was an experience, and then to be here, thank you guys all again. It's great to meet you. You know, the drive here was an experience. And then to be here, thank you again. Likewise, sir.

Awesome. Okie, we love you. Follow him at Christoph or Connor. Whatever it is. Just rewind and get that fucking reset. We'll put it in the show notes and it'll be on the webpage just you can get the link from Doug's website and in the meantime he'll change

it to something memorable like Okie 1968 Okie Ocon well I was half stiff when I did it what do you want stiff this is one of the words when I was writing the book and I tweeted hey if you know antiquated New England expressions for getting drunk, tweet them to me.

Because I'm running out of, all my stories are drunk stories from 13 on. And I'm running out of euphemisms and synonyms and stiff. Getting stiff, cocked, hammered. Chiseled. Chiseled. Oh, yeah, chiseled. That's a good one. That's a mint one.

That's mint. All right, we're going to start again. Hold on. I got a couple things I wrote down the other night when you guys were really drunk. Spider Gates. You got any... Spider Gates. I fucked any? Spider Gates.

I fucked some girl. I fucked on a gravestone or grave in front of a gravestone on the grave at Spider Gates. And the cops showed up. And I tried to finish even still. And it was dusk. It wasn't even dark. It was dusk. And I just tried to finish really quick,

even though they're yelling, cops, cops. Yeah, he picked a good spot. A good spot. Spider Gates was an allegedly haunted cemetery out by the airport in Worcester. I thought it was a guy. No, it's a dude. He was the guitar player for

Guns N' Roses before they started. No, it's like this old Quaker cemetery of all the same families. Generations and generations. The whole thing about it is that you go to it, it's down this dirt road, and it has these two

gates that have these ornamental ironwork of... they don't have spiders that was the thing everyone that was the legend is they used to have like black widow spiders and you it's just a circle with a like a you know wave design on the outside yeah you realize when you get older no cemetery is gonna put fucking big giant metal black widows it's fucking legend as much as it was never haunted it never had giant spiders on the fucking gates of a cemetery meet meet me over at the frankenstein statue i mean they wouldn't have like horror movie stuff in a like a mortuary right but a girl would fuck you there just for the story.

Well, back in the day, it was the whole great place to go on Halloween, you know? And so... It was haunted. And we're gonna drink beers. And then the cops are gonna show up. Cops! All right, that's enough. We'll wrap up every night.

We'll do, like, 30 days in the hole. We'll do wrap-ups every night after we tape this fucking relentless audio book. It was worse than I thought, but I think the last day when we start fucking with it, once we get it out, then we can start fucking with it and doing director's commentary, we'll have more fun. All right, until the next day, no comment. Play some, hey, who do you want to hear, Mr. T-shirt? Some Zeppelin?

No. I was going to say the guy that has a band T-shirt on. You have Foo Fighters. There Goes My Hero was one of my title ideas for this book. There Goes My Hero based on the Foo Fighters song about mother. But you got the Mishka Shabali shirt. You showed up strong. So play some Mishka. Pass me the lampshade. I'm drunk again. Blew my drug money on a quarter gin. Well, I am a cultured man with tastes discriminating.

But I'll settle for a tall glass of anything fell in love with love and death and darkness if I'm a bad drunk well it's not for lack of practice there is no this is no Modern romance

Cause I'm going home in a fucking ambulance Well am I the only one drinking tonight? The only one drinking tonight Spring break gone broke, it's sprung Now I'm the only one Mirrored medicine cabinet door like the hatch of a submarine Bottles inside like buttons and dials and tiny backlit screens Bloody footprints On the bathroom floor

In a hotel Close to the airport Well am I The only one Drinking tonight The only one Drinking tonight The only one drinking tonight Despair is an octopus with its head in New Hampshire

And tentacles everywhere Am I the only one drinking tonight? The only one drinking tonight Am I the only one drinking tonight? The only one we're dreaming tonight