The Doug Stanhope Podcast - 10 Min Podcast: Day 03 Audible Recording

Episode Date: June 3, 2016

Order Doug's book "Digging Up Mother: A Love Story" on Amazon , Barnes & Noble  and at DougStanhope.com   Day 3 of the Audible recording session.Recorded June 02, 2016 at the Fun House in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope), Chad Shank (@HDFatty), Bruce from Audible, and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Ggreg Chaille.  LINKS: Follow us on Periscope - @DougStanhope @GregChaille @HDFatty   'Invasion of the Hidden Cameras' Trailer - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_4jxqOiSSd8   Beware Of Doug - Flower Shop - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cmzUHni1UjE   Audible.com - http://www.audible.com   "The Things They Carried" by Tim O'Brian and Narrated by Bryan Cranson - http://www.audible.com/pd/Fiction/The-Things-They-Carried-Audiobook/B00FFHJXSI/ref=a_search_c4_1_3_srTtl?qid=1464941802&sr=1-3   Closing song, "Beware Of Doug", by Henry Phillips (twitter - @Henlips). Available on Soundcloud.   Doug's DVD/CDs are all available at DougStanhope.comSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

actually that air condition is working pretty hard today not hard enough i have to say it had more breaks than work oh come on in this is a podcast you can ruin it now I used to yell at the dogs and the cats. Shut that fucking dog up. Get on the mic. Pull it closer. You can pop your peas now. Yeah.

No one gives a shit. I used to just yell at the pets and people for talking in the background. Now, after 36 hours of audio book, fucking bark it up, Henry. Speak. Take them on. Speak. Speak. Come on, speak. Speak. I just turned my phone on as we started the podcast because I'm expecting a text and it doesn't fucking matter.

Okay. Reading audiobooks is harder than I thought it would be. It's a lot harder with the schedule we've been doing because I really, I actually want you to get my worst fuck up and email it to Bill Burr. Like my worst stretch of fuck. Day one, first 10 minutes.

This morning, fucking. Well, I wake up with my booze shakes that carry into my voice. Like, sometimes it's just, ooh, I'm going to have to drink my coffee with two hands. But then it's in my voice. So now I go, Chad, we're going to close on me. And then you can do your chapter in the morning because it's going to take me a while. 10.30 in the morning, not my best hour.

And then I go, well, I know how to arrange my addictions and problems into stand-up where it's at night, and I go, okay, just... But I only take Xanax at night to sleep, but I thought maybe I should just sleep as fitfully as I can and take a Xanax in the morning, and that'll calm my nerves. But I don't know, because I never did an audio book, and I'm not going to fuck with it, because we have...

Four days we had to do this. We just ended day three we're gonna add in other shit after the fact podcast style to fuck it up and anyone if you haven't read the book read the book first and then see how much i fuck it up trying to read it because if I knew those stories by heart I could tell those stories great but to actually read off paper hang on I'll just pick one up I'll just try to read

we went to the commie awards and we were photographed on the red carpet nobody and I just stuttered there and as soon as I go back to reread what I stuttered on I stutter more. The part I did perfectly, now I'm fucking that up. It was

In the morning it was we were at the we are at the can we take a break? Bruce from audible.com audible, get all your books at audible.com all your audio books because you can't get them anywhere else you you cornered the market like fucking walmart or amazon did on tights well i'm sipping my aperitif

bruce has been correcting us all day on our mispronunciations of all the big words I forced into the book to make me sound like I'm a fucking intelligentsia. Hey, did I pronounce that wrong too? Very well. You did say that you're writing your next book as an audio book first. Yeah. My next book's going to come out as hardcover. An audio book on paper because I'm going to write it exactly how I'd say it.

Bruce, you corrected me on aperitif is how I said it, but it is... Aperitif? Nomenclature. Got me on that one. Don't care for your nomenclature, sir. I say nomenclature.

You say nomenclature. These are the kind of audiobook geek things that we argue about all the time. I usually get to just read in my head, so it doesn't matter when I fuck it up because nobody else knows. And if it's a word you don't know, you just skip over it. Skip that one. I've read entire books and fucked up a character's name in the very beginning and then read the entire book thinking it was something else and then realized

oh, I read that wrong 400 pages ago and never caught it. I did that with Albert Camus, the protagonist in The Stranger. Camus! That's what I thought you were saying, the name. Albert Camus. But the protagonist,

I think his name is Meursault. I read the book three times and never even looked up how to pronounce that. In my head, I don't know. Marceau or something. Good boy, Ichabod. Ruin the podcast, not the book. Someone's here. I know someone's here.

It's probably Tracy. Could be Jenny. You did have, Doug, you did have. I'm listening. It's just a podcast. It's not an audio book. Yeah, it's just a podcast. It's not audio. It's just a podcast. She's Filipino.

She's not going to eat the dog. That's Korean. Thailand. I think they do eat it. She's Thai. Watch the dogs. Doug, on page 97, you had an issue. You had in the book, exasperated.

Exacerbated? exasperated. Yeah, and it's... Exacerbated? Exacerbated. We think. Exacerbated sounds like you're missing some consonant. So I have exasperated in the book. So don't tweet at him and correct him. At some point, because after you're gone, you're the professional, you're the guy that's here to make sure the meat is on the skeleton.

But after you leave, we have all these people that are going to be on the podcast that we're going to attach to the audio book as director's commentary. Now I forgot my point. Vocabulary. Vocabulary and

sticking to the A program. Yeah, we'll be done with all that bullshit. You'll be gone. Vocabulary. Vocabulary and sticking to the A program. Yeah. We'll be done with all that bullshit. You'll be gone. Then all you have to do, the fucking editor of this. Brian. Sorry, Brian. Brian. We have to get a blooper reel of the worst takes.

We've done it before. It's easy to do. Of course you do it behind people's backs. Christmas party type stuff. Usually not by request. It's the same way when you go to the hospital. You see pictures of someone all fucked up from a car wreck or with a light bulb up their ass and an x-ray.

Well, that's a HIPAA violation, but that doesn't stop them from doing it. No, you can't take our blooper reel and put it out, but you will. So we're giving you permission so long as we can put it out and then share it at the Christmas party. Bruce, we've had questions every night, superlatives,

and today we asked you your most... Boring? Most boring... Project. Project. I'm glad you said project because I thought about it after. It wasn't even a book. It was a phone manual.

Phone books on tape? That's an old Matt Becker joke. No, a manual. An actual user's... Remember Ericsson Phones? Yeah. The company I worked for beforecker joke. No, a manual. An actual user's... Remember Erickson Phones? Yeah. The company I worked for before Audible was another audiobook company. And they had a contract to produce

phone manuals. So you'd read things like A, sublist B, page 77, menu 9, da-da-da-da-da. We were just looking at each other, the reader and I, going... How long did that take? Hours. Hours and hours. This is a corporate gig, right?

It was because of the ADA, the Americans with Disabilities Act, that they had to have access. This is for blind people, mind you. In case they ever hired one. In case they wanted to buy an Erickson phone and had to listen to the book on time. All right, let's go. Most boring book by an author.

Oh, God. I mean, let's go. Most boring book by an author. Oh, God. I mean, any business book. You know, it's just... How to win friends and influence people. Well, most... I mean, we deal with a lot of author reads, and a lot of them are great. You know, like if they have a memoir like yours

that's dynamic and fun and interesting, but if it's a business book, and they're not a professional narrator or actor trying to get them to actually you know they might be a great writer but trying to get the words to come out of their mouth is they're they're a scholar of business they think they are this and they might be but they're not a not a scholar reading that's for sure this is a question you can lie about but have you ever worked with someone who reads as poorly as I do? Yes.

Worse. Drop a name. No, I can't. It's a current Audible book. So, well, they all are. Well, no, he said he worked for another company. Oh, that's right. So he can trash all those fucking assholes.

Yeah, so clearly. You also asked, I think Chad asked, what's the most fun you've had doing a book or a project? Man, always to the top of the list comes Brian Cranston. He narrated Tim O'Brien's Vietnam collection story. That just happened, right? It was a couple years ago. It was like couple years ago.

It was like three years ago. But that was recent, right after Breaking Bad. It was right when it went, it was like at the height of Breaking Bad Mania when he was rapping, it was the final season. Now it was fun because we started in Albuquerque, then that wrapped and he went to Vancouver, he was filming something. He had these just pockets of time,

so we had to do it at his schedule. Hey, Bruce, you dropped pockets. Can you go back and do that again? Did I it at his schedule. Bruce, you dropped pockets. Can you go back and do that again? Did I pop the P? You popped the P on pockets. Let me lean away from the mic. Try that again. So Vancouver.

Finished it in LA. He was fantastic. Wow. Brilliant. You followed him on the road while he was doing other gigs, and then he would sit for an hour or two. Oh, no, no, no. No, it was like, I'm going to be here.

These days go there. I have this window in Albuquerque. I have this window in Vancouver. Oh, wow. sit for an hour or two and oh no no no no it was like you know i'm gonna be here this these days go there i have this window in albuquerque this window in vancouver so we would do that and uh yeah he was great to work with phenomenal yeah and doug's great i i i i was debating don't worry we're gonna make this fun behind your back. After you leave, once we get the bones down, then we can fuck with it after the fact because we have a few weeks to do that. We'll do live reads on the podcast in real time.

We'll figure it out. You should have done that before. Fucking practice. Come into this blind. I know. I should have prepared. But I was busy laying on my couch going, I don't want to walk the dogs.

No one really knew what was going to happen either. No one's fault. We didn't ask either. We didn't fucking care. We'd all be here have you done a book uh uh with this much drugs and alcohol no comment not you were the people around you oh no no uh shit i i i should take an upper for this no I should take a downer now so I'm up ready for tomorrow. Well, usually you do these in studio.

Right, exactly. Have you ever smelled like cigarette smoke so badly? And will you say on the air that you won't sue me if you get lung cancer from the four days you spent here. Chad had a great story about that this morning. Whenever I got home last night, my wife came and picked me up last night and brought me back this morning. So when I got home last night, my son was over visiting, and I gave him a hug, and he goes, Whoa, you smell like a fucking campfire.

No, that's not a campfire. That's just cigarettes. It's just Stanhope. Well, it's hard because when we're in here, first of all, it's getting hot now in Arizona and you can't have AC on, can't have the windows open. A fan going, nothing.

And I chain smoke literally one after another and so we take little breaks and crank up this small air conditioner which cools you off for about five seconds and open the door and then shut it all down again to read and fuck up and read see i know the look in chad sh Shank's eyes when he's getting fucking irritable. And every day it's come earlier. And you're like, all right, let's get through this.

Well, that's a good point because yesterday you said you wanted us to yell at you when you were doing bad. And you said, oh, when Chad's reading, you guys are like that, great and smiling. To your point. Well, he's better than me, and you laugh at him. When I'm reading, everyone's just like, oh, fuck, he's never going to finish one sentence. I want to contest that. I have not gotten irritable at all through this whole thing.

I got a little bit ill earlier. I had to go outside, but that was only from the heat and the booze and everything else that's going on. But this whole process, I'm trying to learn about. But you get the same look on your face as when you show up having a bad day. And I'm like, oh, fuck. Drink? Yes? Okay. Cocktail for Chad. No problem. I see it coming. And I hope that it comes through.

It will when we fix the, when we do the additional podcast asides with people from the book and we're having fun and we don't have to read it off paper. Then that'll spring it all to life, I hope. So explain that. We're going to have different people that are coming over the next couple of

weeks uh characters that are in the book yeah people from your past and you're going to talk to them about the incidents or things that were happening around that time well that's when we'll read live from the book just the passages about them and then let them chime in. Then you'll see how bad I really read with no editor to clean it up. You're going to see how bad I read, but I'm going to read about them and then let them chime in with their side of the story. So we have six or seven people at least

that are in the book. And we're going to ask at some point when i can pay attention to twitter for you if you've read the book to send in questions or comments about the book you read so we can comment on what exasperate exas exacerbate exacerbate i Exacerbate. Exacerbate? I don't even like that one. Someone did tweet about a week ago about that, and I didn't catch that that was in the book. Who would? One fucking asshole and audio geeks.

They weren't even specific enough. They just had it in quotes, and then they made some snarky comment, and I'm like, I'm trying to figure out, like, is this a thread that has been going back? Nothing. So what the fuck? I don't even know what that,

and then we figured it out today when we, well, when Bruce tagged it as a problem. Bruce, do you mind if I have a cigarette? No, please do. Does smoking bother you? All right, thanks. Well, the one you just got done reading was the University of Marylandaryland when you and

mitch were uh booked i think i pronounced it i think i pronounced it the university of maryland marlin but i remember that totally different i was there for that and i remember it totally happening completely different well then now we have eight people yeah put yourself on the list because when i was reading it i go ah fuck i keep forgetting chaley was there which is not uncommon everyone forgets chaley was there because he was always in the background making it work while you were having fun you go to coachella you don't wow, the people that built this stage are phenomenal. You just, they're fucking assholes.

There's lighting everywhere. This is really safe and cool. This sound works fantastic. Thanks, Ticketmaster. Lynn was there too. Yeah, I know Lynn was there. It was a full-on show. I called

you to tell you that, because I was working on your website at the time, and I said, I don't think Mitch knows that you're opening. He had no idea. And then we kept it a secret. I called Mitch, and I said, hey, what's up? You going to a gig? Yeah, yeah, we're flying out tomorrow.

We're heading out to the University of Maryland. I go, what's up with that gig? I don go into a gig. Yeah. Yeah. We're flying out tomorrow. We're heading out to university of Maryland. I go, Oh, what's up with that gig? I don't know. It's just a college gig. It was it. And I called you back and go,

I'm fucking going. I was in Tampa and I flew up to university of Maryland. I met you in the airport and we, you waited for me. And then we went to the hotel waiting for Mitch and Linda show up. Cause they had no idea. That's the next book. Blotto biography.

Shit I wouldn't have remembered unless you told me. My biography through other people's eyes. Bruce, how many pages do we have to do tomorrow? What do we have left? Where are we at? 57? So 40.

40-ish. A little over 40. We don't have to do acknowledgments. Pages? Yeah. Yeah. Oh, fuck. Which is like half of what we've been doing, I think. So we're good.

Well, the last two days were a real good clip. Yeah, we'll definitely finish. Excellent. We'll finish. You don't drive. How you get into the airport. That's true. I'll figure it out.

Why don't you drive, Bruce? I know you live in New York and you don't have to. Yeah, it's more of a liability than an asset. Chaley and I were talking about that earlier. How old are you? 44. All right. And you've never had a license.

You're never driven. Oh, wow. That's interesting because you said if you moved to Connecticut, then all of a sudden you're learning. I believe it's a conversation in my life that I have. Which one's the break? Why did I get a manual? Well, if we get through tomorrow quick,

because we only have 40 pages, Chad's six-year-old kid can teach you how to drive in the Safeway parking lot. Two for one. Chad doesn't have a six-year-old kid. I made up a hypothetical kid. My six-year-old kid. I made up a hypothetical kid. My six-year-old biracial kid. Any six-year-old kid.

I have a question. I think Beware of Doug is available somewhere on YouTube. That's the hidden camera show. I think there's segments available. We were talking about it earlier, and you said, yeah, that's not available anywhere. I thought you might just mean the theme song from Henry Phillips on iTunes. Well, that's another thing.

I remember that, but I can't really remember the melody. Sometimes he's a hospital patient. Sometimes he's in jail. Once he tried to do something, something about bail. He's got a camera on his head head and all his clothes are bugged. But if you see him on the street, beware of Doug. At Henlips, ask him if he's got that song on MP3.

Make him sell it on iTunes. I want to see it. I want to see the cat wrapped in foil. I remember that one specifically. But yeah, if anyone's got a clue where we can... This is an old hidden camera show I did for Fox called Invasion of the Hidden Cameras. And I think we used to put up clips on YouTube,

but we didn't own them, so they'd tear them down. If they're out there, just fucking keep putting them up. Fuck them. So yeah, tweet us a link, and then we can put it on the webpage. Anything else you get on that pad of paper? Kenny for mayor. Yep, failed. Derek for mayor, failed.

June 1st, they had to get their signatures in, and they did not have enough. Look, we knew Derek was not even close. But Kenny, how far did he get? Like 60 out of 102. He could have got them, but they weren't real motivated for this thing. Well, the last time I asked, well, the last several times I asked Derek, I think he had three.

Which is always more than three people in the funhouse. Derek's too lazy to ask people when they come in the funhouse, so Kenny got all of those food. Well, if they're together in the funhouse, Derek, if they asked at the same time, you be Kenny and ask for a signature, and I'll be Derek and ask at the same time. Three, two, one.

Hey, are you a registered voter in business? Would you like to sign my petition? Yeah, I got what you're saying. You know what Derek could have done was just on Sunday when we had everyone here after the game, if he just stood at the door because all the liquor's in here the game, if he just stood at the door, because all the liquor's in here, if he would have just stood at the door with the clipboard and said,

Hi, I know you're new to Bisbee, but Mr. Stanhope is requesting that everyone sign a waiver before they get inside the fun house. He cared less than that weeks ago. He wasn't going to do that now. If he would have just had like 50 all of a sudden, and even if they weren't even registered voters, he could have at least had 50 signatures for fun.

You know what I mean? What I think is funny as well is that at one point, Stanhope said that whoever gets the most signatures will be named the fun house mayor. Yeah. Well, since Derek wasn't trying and Kenny was getting all of his, Kenny reached a point where he became certain that Derek was in on the conspiracy that the Funhouse Mayor was actually going to be a shit job,

and he doesn't want the Funhouse Mayor job. Well, I told him early on that the rules are in play for this election. And what we're going to do if they don't get their signatures, which they didn't, we're going to put it to a vote on our own private Facebook page just for the football people to vote. I guess you can't do it privately, but vote on our Facebook page. Funhouse Fanatics.atics yeah they don't need to know people can't you can see it you can see it you just can't join it so we're gonna vote and it's the mayor of football coming up uh i have some thank yous but i can't say those thank yous because the boxes have stacked up because i've done nothing but this fucking audio book. Eat and go to bed.

So there's boxes unopened. Keep them coming to 212 Van Dyke Street, Bisbee, Arizona, 85603. Unless you're here for a comment, in which case you'll get bitten by a dog. And that dog is a human being, and he's tired of reading books. And we still got the signed book for sale on DougStanhope.com. Yeah, I just found out no refunds isn't for sale on our website. We'll fix a lot of shit.

I've had a long life, assholes. I'm trying to do my best for you thank you for your support i'm gonna take a xanax or a klonopin or an over-the-counter and get through the last of this audiobook and uh anything else one more thing uh i mentioned it yesterday but i i didn't put in the podcast today is is Modern Media Day. Go on Spotify and listen to the playlist for Modern Media. It's Modern with a T. Yes.

Modern. June 3rd. And yeah, that's. And bingo. Bingo's book has gone to the agent now, and they're shopping it, and they suggested, well, you know your your music is so fantastic that goes with the book i can see this being an off-broadway live thing with a multimedia well that the guy had a lot of ideas and that gave bingo the courage she played live in here the other night sunday yeah and uh it was fantastic so now

she's working on that a play i mean no just oh trying to get the courage to play live yeah you have a note about this oh when she came in to play live in the fun house there was a table in front of the little stage, and there's a bunch of shit on it, so I'm scrambling to clean it off, and there's cups and fucking stuff and debris and empty cigarette packs, and there was an envelope that she had written down

all the notes, her musical notes on the back of, and I'm throwing all this shit out and it as i'm throwing it away she says where's my notes and i go what they were on the back of an envelope and i look at the envelope i turn it over it's a check for me for a very sizable amount of money that i hadn't even opened yet she took the mail from my coffee table wrote her shit on the back of it and as i'm throwing it into the trash can where's my notes i'm like you know how much money i just was about to throw away. Do you know how many months I worked writing this stupid fucking book? So, yeah. Hopefully she sells her book

so when one day I find out how much money I threw away as scrap paper, she'll pay it back. That was the story. All right, we'll close on that. Unless you got shit. I got I guess you guys said police beat oh yeah fuck we'll just say police beat for a real podcast

this is just a sad at the end of the night we don't have to read we can just talk podcast I think that's it and uh yeah and we got one more day of recording with Bruce one more day of recording with Bruce.

One more small podcast, and then we'll do a real one. Well, yesterday's was 40 minutes. What was this one? This one's 27. Oh! I was guessing. All right, we'll do one more podcast at the end of the wrap of Bruce, and then we'll do a real podcast talking about Bruce behind his back.

Looking forward. And the song on the last podcast that closed it out was the Billy Jack Bitch song with the lyrics for Adderall Jack. Oh, Adderall Jack already played? Yeah. Whoever sent Adderall Jack eventually will find your name and give you a plug, but thank you for doing the parody of Adderall Jack to Billy Jack Bitch. He played it for me. Very nice work, sir.

His name is Billy Hayes. Billy Hayes. All right. Well, thank you, Billy Hayes, and thank everyone, and I got to go put cigarettes out in my eyes to feel alive. Sometimes he's a hospital patient. Sometimes he's in jail. Once he tried to send his ex-girlfriend a dead cat in the mail. He's got a camera on his head and all his clothes are bugged. So if you see him on the street beware of Doug