The Doug Stanhope Podcast - 10 Min Podcast: Day 04 Audible Recording

Episode Date: June 5, 2016

Order Doug's book "Digging Up Mother: A Love Story" on Amazon , Barnes & Noble  and at DougStanhope.com   Day 4, the final day of the Audible recording session.Recorded June 02, 2016 at the Fun House in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope), Chad Shank (@HDFatty), Kristine Levine (@KristineLevine), Bruce from Audible, and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Ggreg Chaille.  LINKS: Follow us on Periscope - @DougStanhope @GregChaille @HDFatty   Audible.com - http://www.audible.com   Closing song, "Swingin' The Alphabet", by The Three Stooges. Watch it on YouTube.com.   Doug's DVD/CDs are all available at DougStanhope.comSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

Which way do you go? Are we recording? Always. Always recording. Remember that. It's a full house at the wrap party of the Digging Up Mother audio recording. Greg Chaley, producer. The owner of Audible.com, Bruce. Soon to be owner of audible.com, Bruce. Soon to be owner. Chad Shank is here.

And Christine Levine is here. And Derek's, even former Mayor Derek is here. With a fresh haircut. Reading the paper, which we'll be talking about soon. I have been slandered. You, no, not me. You, the listeners, have been slandered in an op-ed piece. We'll get to it.

But let's get to the book first. Because we rapped early today. Yay. Thank fucking God. it but let's get to the book first because we wrapped early today yay thank fucking god on amazon.com it says the i swear it says it's 336 pages but evidently amazon counts every single page including the blank page up front that i've been autographing and all the pictures. Sheets of paper. It's not pages. You consider pages. The written word is on there. They just count a

sheet of a blank sheet. Yeah, so it's only like 300. 298. So I woke up thinking we had a bigger workload today and I was so fucking happy. Surprise. Thank you, Amazon, for making me think

I had more to do than I did. Now it's, what, 5.30, 6 o'clock? 5.45 and we're fucking done. Christine Levine came in and read his mother. Great job. Oh, thank you. Yeah, and we're wrapped.

And that's a lot of pressure, too. I mean, those are some very big, tiny shoes to fill. Some real big, little, tiny shoes. Yeah, we've been asking Bruce questions about things, you know, past experiences, and then I thought of one earlier today. How nice is it to have a guy like Chaley next to you? I've got to thank everybody here. I want to thank Doug.

In all seriousness, Doug, thank you for doing it, first of all. Thank you for having me. I've got to thank Chaley, Chad, Christine, everybody that read a part for the book. It's going to be fantastic. Tracy, who's not here. Yeah, Tracy, everybody.

Couldn't do it without you guys. Fucking fantastic. I'm holding up the list. These are all of the names of the people that played parts or that we have planned that are coming here. This is not your typical audio book. Let's put it that way. Yeah, we're going to make it weirder.

We want to set precedent with this. Seriously, thank you. And it's not going to be because of my fantastic reads. You were on a couple rolls, though. You were like, it was for some reason smoother today. Well, we started a bit later, and Chad and I got up early, walked the dog down to have breakfast, practiced talking. I still couldn't get that nervous tick out of my voice.

It'll be fun for the listener to realize, oh, he must have just woke up for this because his voice is trembling. Oh, he just slurred through. He can't say, what was it, chronic? Anyway. There were a few.

No, there's a lot. He particularly doesn't like the depths of that brewery. Brewery. Brewery. Brewery, brewery, brewery. Fuck brewery. It's a pub. I just kept changing words that I can't say or pronounce. I can't say literally.

Literally. Literally. Nope. Well, I don't have any back teeth. Well, I don't have any back teeth. Had them all ripped out because I didn't take care of my dental fucking... So anything that makes you puff out new cheeks... Anyway. Well, no, let's go...

Keep going back to the thank yous and how great we are. Yeah, keep going back. Shows my wingman. He took copious notes. It's going to turn out great. Your fans are going to love it. It's going to be awesome. Yeah, we'll close on this fucking op-ed piece.

And it ain't over. It ain't over. I've just been busy. I think we should discuss it more before we go public with it. Killer termites are going to be outraged and demand some sort of retribution. Good point. We might have to set some guidelines. Here's what we do is we leave her name out of it and what she does.

Well, we're not going to promote. I just want to read the fucking op-ed. Once again, you're going to start to read on a microphone? I thought you were done with this. Chad Shank's going to do it. He saved this fucking book. Chad, Chaley, you had a... Well, listening to the entire book,

I don't know why I read it. I knew I was going to probably be around. Christine hasn't even read it. That's a slap in the face. I didn't get a copy. A lot of it is my deep secret love for her. But I found, today we actually went over my favorite line in the book.

And it's what you said. Hang on, I just had a thought. You can't do it all at once. But it would be really funny i'm anderson cooper is the first person i thought of but to have the the killer termites tweet anderson cooper and say hey the things doug stanhope said about you in uh in his book were so in line with the book about your mother and the way he raved about you

is glowing. Like parallels between your thoughts are the same. Again, if you're not a really creative writer, don't muck it up. Hey, Anderson Cooper, fucking Doug Stanhope is fucking dead. Did Doug Stanhope really fuck your mom?

We need to start like a Navy SEAL Team 6 of the Twitter people that we know can pull off stunts like that. We should start Ken Sully. I'll drop your name right now. I don't know who you are. He has a picture of a dog with a hat on it. He tweets at me a lot, but it's usually really funny. I should start a list

of the guys. Okay, these are the guys I know will set up a secret seal team six. Like the Zachary guy. There's a Zachary Vickers guy or something like that that tweets at you all the time. Oh, Zach Wynn?

Wynn, Wynn. Is it Wynn? Zach Wynn? Yeah, he's good. Yeah, yeah, he's real good. So, yeah, the guys you know that can pull it off. Yeah. There's some that just,

ugh, fucking spaghetti at the wall. Chaley, your favorite part of the book well my favorite line that you wrote is uh kind of deep in the book i mean you're talking about your mother and you said uh set in her ways and stuck in her own landfill fucking love that her horde yeah but you had a this is not about i wasn't hey what's your favorite part? No, I actually wanted to tell you that, and I forgot where it was because I read it, and then I actually went a couple pages and went back and read it again. I fucking love that. I love the way you wrote that.

And then I forgot where it was because then I finished the book. And until it came up today, I'm like, oh, fuck, and that's when I was looking over your shoulder. Bruce was like, do you need a page? I'm like, no, I'll figure it out. But no, you had a story that you have your own story. Well, I don't know if you know, my mom also died recently.

There was a part in the book where, let me see, read my notes, where mother, she was doing, she was tripping. You guys were running around town. Mushrooms, yeah. And she's trying to pass on this information of how to cheaply wrap and ship your merch items.

Cheap wrap and ship. And as you're reading that part, or I can't remember who was reading it, but as that part is going by, I'm thinking about my mom. Like, a lot during this book, I'm thinking about the parallels. And I was... I parallels. I cried.

Tracy cried. Deb bawled. Deb Stokes bawled. I choked up. I didn't really cry. Well, you stopped. You stopped a couple times. You were like, I think it's time for a break or something.

You said something. There's a lot of dust in here. I don't know. But yeah, a lot of times I was thinking about my mom who recently passed. And she was also, I mean, she's in a hospital bed in her bedroom. And I mean, the priest has come by.

All these people are filing. I'm flustered. People are filing in and out. And I'm leaving in a couple of days. I know this is when I leave, that's going to be it. And the day before I left, knowing I was going to say that she was not going to make it, she was worried about her cable bill getting paid on time. And I'm looking at her, and I can't goof on her,

because that was something she took real seriously she did the finances but I'm thinking this is what's going through your head right now I'm leaving the cable bills and it wasn't only the cable bill it was

a concern of hers as we're trying to figure out what kind of medications to like she doesn't need that anymore. Well, everybody has different. We all envision the afterlife in a different way. And if you think, oh, shit, I won't get Netflix in hell. Make sure you pay my credit card bill.

You know, you can't get credit if you have bad credit. It follows you, dude. You have to get a secured visa. Well, and you're right. I haven't read the book yet. Sorry about that, babe. But I've been busy with my own shit. But anyway, even I, as a mother, I see these parallels between,

like my kids could have written this book. Those are things that I would have said about my own children. I know they love me. I think so. I got a daughter that's probably like I'm not sure about maybe, but she's a real bitch. But it affected me on a real level, even just this little bit that I read today.

The four parts and the inside of the jacket that you read? Yeah, just little tiny bits. I was just like, oh, fuck. For the record, she had to read as my mother in the morning pages, basically a diary that my mother had written, which was the most fucking horrific you know self-destructive shit that and random and weird and funny and some of the most emotional parts if i can it's like that's some of the hardest parts to read in the book the entire book

yeah and as a mother i can say that that is just where your head is at all the time i mean i never thought your mom was a normal person or maybe I'm not a normal person, but it just like, uh, made me connect with Bonnie in a way that I never had before reading that. I just, I had no idea. That was the hardest part of the book for me when,

and I didn't know that was going to be part of the book. That's shit. I found while I was going through trying to remember what grade was I in? Oh, fuck. What's this notebook? Ooh.

And, uh, yeah, yeah. It's pretty fucking. Ooh. Yeah. Even.

Yeah. And even for me to, to read it just raw like that, I just, I did not expect it. I didn't expect it. And I didn't expect like to relate as a parent on that level with her. Your kids are all fucking done now, right?

Done, baby, I did it. Christine Levine has actually moved to Tucson. I have, I did it. Threatening for a hundred years, I'm gonna get out of Portland, I'm stuck in a rut. I'm done, I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go somewhere. And then when you said Tucson,

I might've even said it on a podcast. I go, yeah, she says a lot of things. I do. I say a lot of things, but I'm fucking there. And it was just so goddamn babe, the way it happened. I put out on Facebook that I wanted to move to Tucson. And then some Kristen Becker, comedian that we both know, um, she goes, Hey, you want to move to Tucson? There's this guy that's moving out of his house. He's a musician fromucson he's going to new zealand to make babies with his wife and he's done and then i got his house and he left everything for me fully furnished fully furnished fucking coffee maker with coffee still in the canisters they left like ghosts, like it was a Stephen King novel, and they just got raptured.

And I was just, I am fucking in their bed. I don't know, maybe they were seven feet tall because it's really high off the ground. Can you read that again? It sounded like you were fucking in their bed. You were fucking in their bed. In their bed. I'm in it.

I was just thinking the same thing, where if I had to read Fully Furnished, I was just thinking the same thing. If I had to read fully furnished, I would have gone fully flern... flern... flern... flern... So bad.

Bad. Fully furnished. Oh, my God. We'll see how much I enjoy reading after this for a little while. Chad killed it. But that much in four days oh shit nope

nope already Anderson Cooper he's like a little elf I could tell in both our voices that's why I started doing the like as a vocal exercise, but mostly to wake us up. B-A-B-E-B-I-B-I-B-O-B-I-B-U-B-I-B-O-B.

Not just because it helps you alliterate, but it's stupid and funny, and we both know it from the Three Stooges. Oh. Because you could... You sounded more like Lurch every day. I could tell. And I'm getting higher and higher pitched,

trying to force energy into it. So, yeah, next time, maybe we'll make fucking Bruce stay an extra four days and meet this out a bit fine with me yeah i i'm open i i think that's i i did think about that one of the things it was hard not to laugh while you're trying to just read the book then it's fucking funny so you should have to stop and laugh but the other thing is I hear the book in Stanhope's voice, but I can't talk in Stanhope's voice like that, and I feel self-conscious even trying,

which I should have probably done more. I could have hit better inflections. But when you're reading somebody's book that they wrote and they're right there, it really makes you kind of feel self-conscious about it i guess so did you did you read the book chad yes yeah you read half the book i mean if it was before yeah no i read i read the whole book uh before we started this but doug you were able to step in with direction like spot on and guide him through it anytime he hit a rough spot it was

like no like and you rehearse it with him. Actually more like this, and then it made all the difference, like night and day. I know we talked about this, maybe we did on podcasts, but I told Bruce, do like Louis C.K. Don't say, hey, that was good, but let's try it again

like this. Say, you sucked. You fucked that up. Which is what I was doing the first couple of days until I kind of warmed up. I was like, alright, that's not going to work. Once more for safety. Yeah, once more for safety. Let's get that again. And Chad didn't know mother. No, no, but everyone

in the fucking Twitterverse is like, hey, get Chad to... No, we talked about it first. Chad should read this book. He's got the golden pipes. No, he absolutely does. I've been talking to him for a long time about doing voiceovers

or what is going on with that voice of his. Can you sing too? You can. No. Yeah, you can. Okay. Throw in the alphabet.

Come on. Okay. You're just too good to be true. Let me pull up some Buddy Holly and we'll see who sings louder.

Never so no speaker. Oh, no, wait. She said, can I sing, not will I sing. But you can, though. Hell yeah, you can. Golden pipes. Yeah, I can hear it.

Yes, hang around until 3 o'clock in the morning. Not only are we singing, but we're singing sad shit and fucking half weeping. Yeah, just ask the neighbors if Chad can sing. They'll tell you. Like an Irish choir boy. I never thought about having a unique voice very much until I came here, and that's when everybody started pointing out. But I do remember one time, I don't know if I told this story on the podcast,

I was at Safeway buying, I think I was buying Bratwurst, and it was supposed to be buy one, get one free. Yeah. So just recently? Because they were going out. No, it was buying Bratwurst and it was supposed to be buy one get one free yeah so just recently and then it was a few years back and the lady was like rang it up and it was full price and I tried to tell her these are buy one get one free no it's not ringing up buy one get one free

alright but I know for certain that it's buy one get one free so can you well you're going to have to go back and confirm that it's buy one get one free I'm going to charge you full price to have to go back and confirm that it's buy one, get one free. I'm going to charge you full price. You have to go back and confirm that it's buy one, get one free, and then go to the customer service aisle and get your refund for your free bratwurst. So I had to do that, and I stormed back to the back,

and I tear the entire display off that says buy one, get one free. I have a big cardboard sign in my hand dragging it I go back and now the customer service line has nine fucking people in it where I have to go and get my four dollar rebate for free bratwurst

so I'll just start yelling at the checkout lady holding this fucking told you buy one get one free you don't fucking listen to anybody and i don't remember the diatribe i went on but it was a decent one when all of a sudden i hear a little tiny old lady voice right here go you should be on the radio and i had to stop my whole fucking train of thought to be a diplomat. Thank you, ma'am.

You just go, wow, why didn't I record that? I could have submitted that. My reel. That's my reel. And then I left after having to pay full price for bratwurst because I wasn't going to wait in line. You should have kept the sign. Seriously, did you just drop it?

No, I do it at the lady. Like a diner puts up the first dollar they made on the wall. Free Broward. Two for one brats. That got me into the business. Well, you do have a great voice. It's true. Thank you.

I want everybody to hear it. Yeah, no, as we went through it, I saw all my clever, smart, fuck, big words that I got from thesaurus.com, and then I'm trying to pronounce them. And the ones that even I thought I had right, Bruce is, no, it's a... I'm feeling such a buzzkill that's my job

well it's also good to have the straight guy we can fuck with and yell at you Derek can't always be here what was one that Eddie got wrong though what's one that you got wrong well

nomenclature no that was me Phalanx Aparity Phalanx Depth Depth is one I couldn't pronounce I can say it as one word

It's such a hard word But when you string it The depths of her She was at the depths of her From the depths of the her... Depths. She was at the depths of her... From the depths of the brewery. Depths. There was depths of hell was one of the... That's what you just changed.

I said depths of... Depths of a... From the bottom of the... Seventh circle of hell. All right. I just kept changing shit. Fuck it. If I can't say it,

I'm just going to make up a new word. Stanhope had to write down Worcester because I couldn't say Worcester, and I never would remember how to say it. Well, it's spelled Worcester. Worcester. And I wasn't saying it like that. I was saying it trying to say what I thought, but I still wasn't close. Worcester.

I think I was saying Worcester. I put in Sharpie, W-U-S-T-E-R. Worcester. Such a New England thing. Yeah, I had to say it so many times that it just sat here four days. Bruce is a New England guy. Yep. Chickabee mess.

Chickabee. Where's your accent? Gone. What happened? Did you get rid of it? Never really had one. No, we didn't really have a thick Massachusetts accent. Oh.

When did you leave? 91. All right. Yeah. So to New York. And you're 44? 44. So yeah.

If you leave young, mother had the, she didn't leave until she was like 38 or something. Right, you talk about that in the book where she would try to hide it and then. Yeah. I don't think I actually. Right. Yeah. Oh yeah. She would, when she acted, she tried to...

That's what I was doing a lot in the audio book, and then I went, I'm going to fucking talk like myself. I'm not going to say going to the store. I'm going to the store. Right. But she would try to overcorrect her Massachusetts so she would enunciate every word.

Tamara thought she was fucking fantastic. But that, yeah, it was part of her character. I mean, I always thought that added to her... I don't know. I was too close to the subject. Anyway. Yeah. That was a lot of cigarettes

And it's all over now I think if I squeezed out my shirt I could get you a couple cigarettes They'd just drop like a magic act I officially consider myself a smoker at this point We're going to feel so bad when they get lung cancer I was going to make them sign a waiver.

Yeah, you should. It's all part of the process. Today is like a record hot day. And I know we can't have the AC on while we're talking. So today I came in early, put on the AC so it was 60 degrees in here

when we started, even though it's 90 outside. And like, all right. Oh, do you need to go over your lines? You need to pre-read that? Okay. Put the fucking AC on. Every second that we're not talking, put the AC on.

And I know you're coming. And you could sweat through a Minnesota winter. I put powder everywhere in my nooks and crannies. I got it. I'm good. I wasn't worried about the sweat. I was more worried about your comfort. But thanks for powdering up regardless.

Yeah, you guys are welcome. Thanks for your concern, though. Yeah, I just didn't want to stink you guys out. You're welcome. It's fucking brutal hot though. Yeah, I just didn't want to stink you guys out. No, that's good. It's fucking brutal hot, but now we can have the door open. In fact, Derek, will you open up every window in this place? I left it open all night. Let's say, Doug, let's wrap this up.

We're going to do that. Let's do that on a podcast because we need to talk about it more anyway this one yes because then we can do a police beat we can do the thing that's in there we can do a regular podcast because we're already at 25 minutes

we should wrap up this 10 minute podcast we had one 10 minute podcast that went 37 minutes plus song. I think that's because I kept talking. I'm sorry. It's like a 330-page book that's 290 pages. All right.

Who wants to read this? Why don't we do that on a regular podcast? Oh, okay. So we can really... Well, I kept teasing it. Well, fuck them. This is about... All right, fuck them.

Yeah, we're doing more podcasts. I know, but Chad Shank, when can we count on him being here again? Fucking never. Yeah, you're right. I'm staying the night. I'm here all night. All right, good.

Excellent. All right. Hey, thanks for... You can drive home now. Cheers. Thanks for being here. I have to go fucking catch up on real life. Get the book signed from DougStanhope.com

or wherever else they sell that stuff. Yeah, Doug, everyone who's saying... Someone tweeted it. A lot of people tweeted, Hey, I'm dyslexic. I'm waiting for the audio book. Well, so am I, and you're not going to be impressed with my read, but we're going to put enough weird shit in the audio book

that it's a separate entity altogether, and we're going to do more shit soon. I'm going to start writing shit just so I can hear Chad Shank talk more. We'll see you next time. Get the idea, girls? Now we'll all join together on the letter D. D, A, DA, D, E, D, D, I, DI, DI, DI, O, DO, DI, DI, DO, D, U, DO, DI, DI, DO, DO. F, A, FA, F, E, B, F, I, F, I, F, O-F-O, Ficky Pie, F-O-F-U, Ficky Pie, F-O-F-O. G-A-J, G-E-G, G-I, Jicky Jai, G-O, Joe, Jicky Jai, Joe, G-U, Jew, Jicky Jai, Joe, Jew.

La, da, da, da. H-A-H, H-E-E, H-I, Hickey High, H-O-O,-H-I-H-O-H-U-H-I-H-I-H-O-H-U J-A-J-G-E-G-J-I-J-I-J-O-J-I-J-I-J-O-J-U-J-I-J-I-J-O-J-O K-A-K-K-E-T-K-I-K-I-K-I-K-I-O-K-I-K-I-K-K-O, K-U-K, K-K-K-I-K-O-K-O. L-A-L-A, L-E-L-E, L-I-L-E-L-O-L-O, L-E-L-O-L-U-L-O. Girl is a dope. M-A-N-E, M-E-E, M-I-N-K-I-M-I, M-O-M-O, M-I-N-K-I-M-I-M-O, M-U-M-O, M-I-N-K-I-M-I-M-O. Thank you.