The Doug Stanhope Podcast - 2 Rib Sandwiches Land Kenny in the Psych Ward

Episode Date: July 20, 2026

Or the alternative title, Cuckoo-Nest Kenny Flies the Coop. We were editing this episode when Becker started his shooting rampage, the fact it almost got lost in the backlog makes Kenny the king of the evergreen -AusAlex If you're 21 or older, get 30% OFF your first order @ IndaCloud with code STANHOPE at https://inda.shop/STANHOPE #indacloudpod

How was your trip to the airport and onto the plane? You know what? There was no psych ward involved. Hey, look here. Okay, look. You don't have to be so serious, okay. Gosh, I know I fuck up a lot, but this was an accident. It really was.

So I did bowling for dildos. All right. I'll start the whole thing. I'll tell you, I'm on a stupid flight for three days to Singapore and back, and I get just very cryptic. If I could, bingo has my phone. I don't. I just want to read Derek's texts.

Oh, geez. No, no, they're very brief. That's good. Bekeptus short and simple. You can't text me and tell me when Kenny's in the fucking Looney Lockup? I like to be on the local gossip, Derek. On the lockup real? I mean, they're certain, I figure.

you would text like certain people. Ozzy, Chad, Doug, bingo. On the list. Bingo first. This is what, Ryan, that podcast is over. It went straight to the top. Well, yeah, but most experience here.

All right. Ryan, I take back what I said on our podcast. Derek had texted me that you were out front if I needed trash taken out. I just hadn't seen the text. So when I way back... Yeah. Good job.

Two weeks later? During some high priority left. In Singapore, Kenny on voluntary hold Tucson Hospital. But he spilled everything right, which is a fucking double full moon. That means it's important somehow. Uh-oh.

So I wrote back a heartfelt keep us updated. that Derek Pegg does an impeccable speller oh then he writes a book hospital and this he's gonna have like he he can fuck over spell check that's how bad he can get hospital called asked if Kenny was safe to go

home said probably be there a couple days he doesn't say who's saying what said talk to him he sounds fine slash board and I gave

a very tearful thumbs up emoji yes and then he said dad died probably go to Missouri you're missing the wind here

I forget the part where his dad died you know because Kenny well I thought Kenny's dad died because there's no pronouns ahead of any these statements it's not that much different

Talking to him late at night. Do you type these or do you do voice to text? Oh, he's typing. Yeah? Yeah, and spell check gets me pretty bad. Why don't you just talk to you? But I understood it was his dad. Do you think that would help?

I called him. And I said, I said, dad died. I said, see if I'm in the will. And he said, he finally made one. My sister gets everything. and I said not the looks or the talent that you possess. Huh?

That was... Yes. He said, I got to leave to get Kenny at 11 o'clock. Is it okay to take the suburban? And then without me saying yes or no, he said, Kenny back. Not Kenny's. Or he got Kenny.

Just Kenny back. I want my Kenny back, Kenny back. Kenny back suburban good. Kenny back. So I went into... I said Kenny can get back the same way he got there. I was replying to the suburban thing. And he said, I picked him up.

I would, yeah, I would never even... Yeah, that was like, no. See, one phone number I don't remember is Mr. Stanhope's in situations like this. I feel like I'm just going to get laughed at tremendously and then hung up on. And then... Now, come on.

You have laughed at, yes, that's what we do. Yeah, but no. You're not going to cut the joke short on purpose. Yeah, that's a good point. I had 10 minutes on the phone, so we're good. But so I didn't, I went to the ER because my stomach hurt, and it hurt bad. So I didn't know what was going on. I go in to the ER, my neighbor takes me.

I go in with no socks on. My red stripe fucking, hang. Go ahead. Can I stop you for just one second? Because earlier before Stanhope stopped you, you started the story with I was at bowling for Dildos. This is where I am. That's still coming up.

Okay, I just want to make sure. I'm just giving you a brief part. So, so intro is I did bowling for Dildos two weeks ago. Here we go. Okay. I'm just letting them know. That's called continuity in the business.

If you have to break and you go, okay, continuity, you actually started with Bowling for Dildos. So if we have to cut that in, could you get back to Bowling for Dildos? Just slap me a little bit. And we're going to go on. Oh, sorry. I don't know that's producing.

So I went to bowling for Dildos, made a little bit of tip money. First bit of money I've had in about a week or so. So I go to Circle K to get me some food. I get good old classic, well, Circle K rib sandwiches. You know, I had chips from the Super Bowl party still, so I'm good to go. Got a couple drinks.

Come home, relax. Eat my fucking sandwiches. Go to sleep, about an hour later, wake up in just a horrific pain. And I don't go right. I'm all day the same way. Don't make calls. That diet doesn't. No, I know.

I know. I get it. Right. there, I get it. I realize. I realize the trigger. Yes, highly, good. I know. This is not the McRib here. Alex Stevens's opening line was, you know, I don't feel too good. I ate five hamburgers for a dollar from the AMP, and it's just not sitting well.

Yeah, well. I had no idea that was a Circle K. McRib until right now. Yes, it's not like even, it's just, well, anyways, I'll never eat those again, but hey, shout out. Who's our sponsors? Shout out to the old McRibbs. So it's bad enough to ask someone to take you in. So I went to the neighbor and said, look, can you take me the R?

I mean, I can walk there, but it's going to be fucking long, and a lot of people are going to be one worth following me again. So, but, yes, she's like, right away, and I've got no socks on. I got my half a pooling fucking outfit on, which is the red striped pants. All red Tech 9 T-shirt, okay? No hat. Just my wallet, my phone. Off we go.

I get in the ER. First thing they ask me, are you wanting any other drugs? I'm like, no, my fucking gut hurts. I ate. This is what I did. Here we are. And then he's like, about an hour and a half later, they give me the IV, they give me morphine. It wears out, you know.

And then about an hour after that, the doctor comes in. And yes, um, how you doing, Mr. Rari? I'm Dr. So-and-so. Your heart seems to be slowing down to like 49 to 51 beats per minute, and it's skipping. beats there at the end. Here's your thing and he shows me this thing and I'm like looking at it I don't know how to read this but I look

bad. It goes be deep and then that's a shitty sandwich. And then two of them. There's two of them. So yes so now I'm also morphine for eating a motherfucking circle game sandwich? Listen that's what I said look I'm like any

drug addict knows they're probably just going to get some Tylenol 800s get sent home because if they're going to get their blood test and Which they did, which I think I passed a test because they gave me the IV. They slot me up. They gave me the good stuff. Here I am.

Then they're like, they said, we're going to send you to TMC. Find your phone? Because your heart. And I'm like, well, my dad's fucking brother had a heart attack of 52. My dad, their dad died at like 60 something or some shit from heart shit. So I'm like, well, okay. Ambulance or helicopter. And they're like, ambulance most likely.

And then he just walked. That was it. Then about I get some cute lady in there. They shoot me up again with some stuff. more pain, more paying shit, because I'm not in there saying I'm in pain, but it clearly looks like I'm in fucking pain. So, and they don't know what's wrong.

They don't know you just look like that. Yeah. I mean, I've been in and out of the bathtub for 12 days. Yeah, this is fucking painful. Not one thing about, hey, how, did you bump your head at all? What's going on up here? I'm not nothing, you know, so I'm like, I didn't even think about that till later on.

Right now, right now. I know. Once you know, we're all thinking it. So I get in the ambulance all strapped in, and I'm not thinking anything is like, I'm good to go. You know, I'm happy, but I don't, they're not looking at me all sideways until I get, I mean, last thing I remember was going through the tunnel. And then it's like 1209. And I'm like, 1209, what p.m's on what day?

And I'm like, because I'm now lost, because I went in Friday, afternoon, it's still daylight. It's now Saturday morning, 12.09 a.m. they're telling me. That's how time works. Yeah, I realize that. But when you're really high on morphine. You can go back in time. A little bit. And they'll fuck with you like that.

It's reasonably later. Don't mess with me, look. Look, whatever I talked about on the way to Tucson again. There's a copay. There's no co-pay on this one, I hope. I mean, there is, I think, I don't hold, God, don't even. Yeah. That'll send me straight back.

Anyways. They could attach your wages. Hey, look, that's the taxpayers, co-fay. Come on. Look, that's funny, I get it. I know. Let me, let me. It's what he was getting somewhere.

So whatever the fuck I, yeah, I thought I was going to get my, I thought I was going to help myself here. I'm okay, maybe something is wrong. Oh. So, but whatever the fuck I said on the way to Tucson in a morphine state that I was in, the questions or whatever, the first person I got to see was on a screen with a smiling face really happy. Like, hey, Mr. Hennifer, how are you doing?

My name's Billy. I'm from the TMC cycle. And it just blurs into, You know, okay? And she's like, how are you doing today? Are you happy? I'm like, yeah, I'm good, just a little bit of pain. And she's like, how have you been in the last couple months?

Have you felt like hurt yourself? And I'm like, I mean, my girlfriend left. I kind of had a flea, you know, there was a moment there where I was like, low, but I mean, I have no attempts or anything like that. They were already zipped high in the fucking cupboards. Shit was getting, you know, and I'm in and out of the fucking, you know, she's like, well, I can remember her saying, would you like to try this out?

How about this? Does this sound okay for you? Meanwhile, I'm just like, Like what? Does what sound okay? Exactly. This is the thing. You're faded out.

I'm fading in and out. Like I said, morphine is a good... There's some juice that shit more often on fucking the enemy. Before they cut their toes and shit off. You don't think this was all a ruse? Like there was never anything wrong with your heart? Like the one dog was called psych and was like, we got a guy who's eating goddamn circle camic ribs down here.

He's at rock bottom. We need to get him some psychological help right now. We're going to tell him. heart's bad yeah this could be it's funny be bad for me that shit but it's weird because i mean as soon as soon as i'm in ambulance and i'm in and it's like they're taking my by after every whopper they're taking my vitals every like two hours okay so i'm like i'm like i'm like i'm like healthiest shit i'm like geez what's your blood pressure like what's your blood pressure like right now and when i take it last night it was 1 28 over 84 uh 82 beats per minute

I just gave blood to the other. I'm like cross. And then you said the guy was like overwhelmed by my blood pressure. And I think a little Faye in 73. And he said, oh, you have perfect. It's 120 over 80. I don't know what. What will they see your VAC?

You know me. They had art. Now they unplugged my fucking thing. I've just got the fucking wire hanging out of it. You could see. Yeah. Yeah. This is where the thing broke.

off in me and was hanging out and the lady didn't realize it until I was in the thing of a jiggie that looks inside you and see stuff what's it called colonoscope no that didn't do that one i don't know you've said you blacked out a few hours but in 1209 a.m. look i don't know when i even left the copper queen to be honest exactly so but so look now i'm sitting there and they've now there are some i'm like get this first guy i get he's got he's got to be like he's i'm graduating in a week You know, he's going to become a x-ray tech. He's all, I think the guy is on Adderall. It's cool, whatever.

But he has to watch me for 12 hours. So basically he orders my food, watching me go to the bathroom. Does he have to listen to you? I didn't, I wasn't talking. I didn't say fucking shit there. That guy was like, that's where a guy gets hazard pay and stuff.

Well, that's why he was on Adderall. That's how he ends up where Kenny is. Look, I am just now stuck Because I don't know what's going on. They're not really telling me, but it's not clicking what's happening, that the zip ties are being because I'm now becoming a suicidal threat or a harm to myself. And I'm thinking, what is happening here?

Then the next guy gets some black dude named Nate. So now I'm getting to know these guys that are sitting with me. He's like, hey, man, if I change a channel, you don't mind, do you? And I'm just like, whatever, bro. Why? He's like, yeah, I got to catch my shows of Dragon Ball Z. So I'm like, hey, I collect Pokemon. Next thing over, it's like 2.30 in the morning,

and we're watching the Olympics. I don't know. I'm just saying this is where I wake up and come to and go back and I'm out. This is where we wake up and come to, and you're still telling the story we don't. Hey, look, I'm just glad Kenny's making friends. Look here. Nate. Look, I didn't realize all the dumb shit I had said, even after I had had a second screening

before I even seen a doctor. Okay, the doctor finally comes in and goes, we're going to check no more food, no more water, no more, no more nothing. They're going to check my... Well, you had to be. doctor now? He taught like that, yes. He's like, oh, okay, bye. I'm 6,000 pound life

reference. Always a winner here. Arms never came uncrossed, and it's because, look, my piss had to have been clean for them to even give me morphine in the copper queen. I like that you're trying to justify that your piss was probably clean. Like, you're not sure. No, it was, because they wouldn't have gave me morphine. It had to have been. It would have gave me morphine.

It was. So, how did you win this split? I mean, I was in, I was in the hospital hospital for three days. All right. See, the last thing the doctor said. TMC. TMC, he goes, you have gallstone. Goodbye.

See, handed the folder off to sunlight to the Mice sitter and then walked out. Why you need so much? Goodbye. This is how a Chinese telephone of one works. As I heard today that he was on morphine because of his gau stone or his kidney stones. It's a gallstone. And then because he was on morphine for the gallstones. he said he was going to kill himself

no see no it's not even that see that's just one person and that's one person that you go oh this is a trustworthy so we're here's the thing I don't think you're going to get better I don't think you're going to get better telephone service if you go straight from Kenny look I could tell it like it's in my head

but it's still going to be the same slow and not good not funny but the point being is I realize now that what's happening that oh the third nurse is like a 45 year old probably fucking ex-addick or whatever. She's real nice. She actually tied my fucking,

because I'm walking around with my ass hanging out, fucking calendar for days. You guys were a bit of loving it. Remember that ass? Bingo. You guys wouldn't have been loving it. I'm climbing out of this bad to piss like every fucking 30 minutes. Every time I wake up I have to piss it seems like. So I'm flashing

whomever is sitting at the door every single time. I don't think about I don't realize it. And did you notice not one complaint? Have you checked? He helped. Showing off, we call that, kitty. So then he's a butterface. We know what he was doing.

So now this lady's really nice. Everywhere we go, she's like, he's really nice. He's not a threat to. He's like, good. I'm like, okay, thanks, lady. I don't need to pump up here. I knew, know what's happening now. I'm now really sober, no pain, nothing.

I do realize that. You're on suicide one. I am now on suicide intervention. Yeah. And now my fourth nurse is the fucking hottest girl I've ever seen in my life. And I'm not shitting you. She's just, I come due to her.

She says, Hi, my name's so-and-so. Anything you need, I'm easy. And she instantly took those words back. She's like, I'll get it for you. And I'm just like, but I'm just too fucking out of it to say anything. I think I said 10 words to her. Can I use the bathroom?

It's three days. Otherwise, you would have to shoot. No, 12-hour shit. Shot your shot. Yes, from 7 a.m. to 7 p.m. to 7 p.m. I'm just, I'm trying. I'm not hearing me. I have to watch another suicidal person.

Look, 7 a.m. to 7 p.m. I had a different person every day. And I was there from Friday. I like you. That's just a job. You, it's personal. I love your suicide watches. It means something to me. They don't. They just watch their phones. Dude, that, Jenny had to do that job. Sometimes they'll call her in, like they'll call other people. It's just whoever works can come in. Who's floater? Whoever's the floater that night?

It's like fucking 30 bucks an hour to just fucking sit there and watch your phone while a suicide. Well, I think Epstein is fucking. fucking bored, Jesus, you're making $30. I wasn't even suicidal. This is not, I literally went in because my fucking golfs, and I'm like, I couldn't backtrack. The last nurse was actually the one that got to hear me talk a little bit. And I'm just like, I don't know what I did. I don't know what I said.

And she's like, why are you on SI? I said, you tell me. I'm like, what did I say? I'm like, she said, well, whatever you, I mean, they take it. I'm like, I said, I did not say I'm thinking I want to kill myself. There was none of that shit. I do know that. Do you think you just told them your regular story?

And they were like, this guy must want to kill himself. I think I may have. I think that's what happened in ambulance. Wait, hang on. No credit card, no job, no wife. Circle case sandwich. And circle case sandwiches. This guy just couldn't find.

This guy just couldn't find rope. I mean, that's the only reason we're talking to him right now. It was just not. Yeah, I think he ate too many pills. He's just not telling us. That kind of thing. No. No, no, I was seriously, I fucked up, and I can hear my dad, boy, that is the second fucking time in your life, you fucking couldn't keep your goddamn mouth shut, now could you?

Well, I thought your dad died. No, he isn't. That's his gas. Oh, yeah. I called him, and he said, I got to call you back. My sister called. My dad died. I'm like, all right, man.

Well, he's dead. Why are you? I'm in a host boy. Yeah. You have no idea who these people are in here. So the minute I'm off that journey. So when they wheeled me into the El Dorado behavioral spot. It's the best one.

It's, I mean, it's better than El, or Palo Verde I hear. I'm still uncertain. Did you have the, I still have a gallstone. Gallstone, not Cubany stone. It's a gallstone now. It's here, right here. Did they find that after your suicide attempt? I did not attempt suicide, Doug.

Well, then why did you have to be sitting here? Okay. All right. You're killing. I know what you're doing. I'm glad I ate my anti-anxiety pill before we came to do this. We're talking semantics at this point. No, they gave me all kinds of shit. Circle K. McRib is a suicide attempt.

It is after I realized it. Okay, you're right. What he just said is he had to just take his anti-anxiety pill, which means you don't want a job. If you just take you- I do want a job on your own supply, you can go out and sell those anti-anxiety pills and maybe pay off my fucking. gas tank for the fucking suburban ride from Tucson. That's why I want to get to the end of how long were you locked up? So Monday afternoon, they take... I didn't take the suburban. Oh, all right.

He didn't say yes. He waited and waited. He took a... Look, one... He took your other car. One tent... No one you gave me. I'm sorry, I didn't...

It's okay, guys. Don't worry. You can headline on our... Hey, sometimes we have to put funny stuff in the middle of... Well, it doesn't matter. I told it way... So, wait. So, wait. The rest of the story I heard is...

The rest of the story I heard is... No, look, now I'll tell it the way I see it. I heard that you were... I'm going to tell you what I heard, and you correct it. I can't. You were... He said you were on a voluntary lockup. It wasn't, yes, okay, so yes.

Now you're, but the follow-up is now you're voluntarily homeless because you won't go back to that free housing. And when your wife left you in her house. See, we're skipping things here. We're jumping all over the place. I can't do that, or else I'm fucked. You go back to where you were to tell us. Look, I am trying to get...

I'm tracking. That's a... I need to go back. Fuck it. In the cloud. If you're getting baked in the sun or chilling on your couch, this summer do it with IndyCloud. IndyCloud has everything you need to unwind and cool off.

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Enjoy responsibly and thanks to Intercloud. Okay. It was a voluntary lock. Look, I didn't even realize what I was volunteering for. I thought it was puff. Gonna be like puff. Shit has changed in the last 20 years. I go into this motherfucking place.

Mind you, I'm wearing my Tech9 t-shirt, all red, fucking hair. I don't have to go that far. Never mind. I'm tracking you. You thought it was going to be. Tell me what happened. What was your reception?

That's where you're going. Right away, I said, can you let me out? I volunteered so I should be able to walk right out. This is before they even took my shoelace or tried to take my shoelaces. AMA? They would not let me. They were like, no. I'm like, look, I volunteered and I started getting angry.

Derek, I see you roll your eyes too. That's good. But it's like, you can't get out. Oh, no. You can't get out. So, you switch is from voluntarity and volunteer. And so then I talked to the, right away I'm like look this is not what I thought this was gonna be like I

maybe thought we were gonna do some counseling of some sort or whatever no you know Macaroni pictures no I got this guy in there scratches sniffing a fucking laminated fucking sign and just got off the wall and he's just like spinning it and I'm like oh my god here we go and and this other girl sitting here it is and I'm like oh my god Jesus Christ here it is I'm watching MASH okay and the lady comes in and she interviews me and I'm like yeah I don't I don't think this is for me. I'm like, I don't, I'm not suicidal. I didn't want to hurt myself. Look, my girlfriend left. I had a, there's like, there's nothing. I know my nickname,

Castle Rock, and he is about a suicide attempt. It isn't even a attempt. The entire town come out to witness. Maybe that's the flat for on the way to Tucson. But so, here I am. And so now I'm pacing this fucking lobby and I keep, I look at it. Can you let me out, please? And I keep asking her again. And again, they're like, We're gonna get you upstairs right away, sir. And they're like, and I'm like, now I want to go upstairs. I'm like, fifth episode of fucking goddamn mash in a row. I'm like, get me the fuck upstairs.

I'm not liking this anymore. So finally they come get me and they take me up. Would it be funny if we knew the story as it was happening and flew Jr. out to be a voluntary, like so, because he looks like the Indian from what's going to do. I told him to Alex this morning. I'll go in for round two. Restle that fucking sink.

I think they'll let me back in round two. But anyway, so now. You look just like Jack Nichols. I was already thinking, this sounds like the plot of one floor like, he was like, he was like, I tried to volunteer, but I thought it was going to be this. I didn't know it was going to be. And I'm like, I've read this book. Well, they took my, all my clothes.

I left my shoes downstairs because I didn't want to take my laces out of them. I thought you to wear shoes when you left. Jesus. I'm sorry, trying to get continuity, dude. I said he left, you had no shoes. You said you had no shoes. No, listen, you're not hearing me. I had no socks on.

I had shoes on. No, I said I had shoes, no socks. You definitely said no shoes. You'll look this back. Don't worry, we both heard it because we were picturing. This is like me. I pictured how far you had to walk. This is what it feels like fucking right now.

And what was the weather? It's a wet sock. Yeah. And this is how it's like, wow. So this is, so look, you guys are, this is what. This is what it's going to be like in court. With the rest of your life. See, thanks.

For the rest of your life. Shut up. Hat damn. Not for this incident, for the next one. The last one before that. You just wish me hats. I'll take that. I don't need that shit to be on my head.

I can't have a question for you. I don't, I can't write. I have a specific question. I have a specific question and I think it will bring you back into your story. Did your red pants and tech nine shirt play into the thing? It will. I'm still on fucking, fucking,

first hour of being checked in. You got to let me fucking get through. Well, we're trying to speed it up a little bit. Yeah. This is what slows it down. Oh, no, I mean the... I told the shit later, did I thought it was done. We were done.

It was over, they labbed it was fun. I haven't even had a chance to talk, so it's like... Oh, your entire story is going to be bonus footage at the end. It doesn't matter anyway. It's okay. Kitty, this may be the only thing that does matter. But it's fine. Well, I mean, they could...

I just get, I get texts. I'm in Polynesia or wherever the fuck we were. I get a text. You're, like, you're in the psych ward. I think maybe, I'm, like, starting to think, maybe they were ready. They're going to use my suburb and get them out. It's troubling to me, too.

It hurts everyone, and that's why there's... I wasn't, there's... It does sound more comfortable than your day-to-day life. I don't know why you wouldn't want to stay. Well, then the people, though. See, It was the people. So they took my clothes.

They gave me... I have my suit, by the way. I brought home my clothes that they gave me to wear into, check into. So I'm wearing... That is my next uniform for my tomorrow's Metal Monday. I will be wearing that on stage. But that's... Anyways, different.

But yes. So I was walking around my hospital blue paper outfit that they gave me. My little shit. They checked me into my own room. Did you get pictures? I have no idea. Yeah, they did take a picture, as a matter of fact. I have my file.

I left it to house. I think my fucking photos in it. Blue paper pajamas, Kenny. So. A ageless ass. Sticking. Yeah. Cover.

It's a little fucking those balls hanging all hairless. Yeah, I think maybe he just shaves the bag of them. Go ahead. Put them on the side. It's important for you to all be aware of, you know, mental health care and Kenny. Look, I'm not fucking crazy. Rice paper, Johnny. You won't let me.

somebody that's I'm not fucking nuts people think I am I'm not suicidal I don't want to hurt myself I'd rather be sleeping on the fucking streets than the situation on then don't please let me get finished real fast and it's like I checked into this place where half these people were here just because they were trying to fucking escape something drugs their sentence or something no I accidentally fucking walked myself into this so I couldn't backtrack fast enough so there's no way out I said look lady I am going backwards not forward I guess it doesn't It seemed like I'm going forward anywhere in my real life, but in my head I am. So I don't know how to get out of here as fast as possible.

What do I do? She said, basically, just eat this pill and just go with it. Okay. And that's what it was like. And the next thing you know, I'm... There's ratchet. Very next morning. The next morning, you know, I got there at dinner time on fucking Monday.

Right away, dinner. And then two hours later, it just came like snack time. And it's like, all of a sudden, I'm lined up a wall next thing, next to all these other people that are just... Well, wait, wait. Wait. Did they give you your own pajamas? But like 35, as long as it took my laundry to get done, they brought me my street clothes back and said, put those back on.

So I did, because I'd rather wear those. Unbeknownst to myself, not thinking about the people around me, okay? Whatever, I don't think that word. Write it down. All right, announce. Let's make you. We'll just store that. I suck, you know that?

Listen, bingo is completely on your side. Unbeknownst. to any of us. I don't think I use that word correctly. That's why... Announced is a word, isn't it? We'll look that one out. You can use that in a wordal.

I'm just going to say that. I can... No, it's not. It's B-E-K-N-O-W-N-S-T, pronounced. I know. I was going to... It's a new city name.

Yeah, it's street. Whatever. I'm sidetracked. Kenny, I'm loving your story, my friend. I'm living. I called Derek first. I haven't been there. Look, Derek is my first phone call.

He answers with exuberance. I called on Tuesday, okay? How can you ever repay him? Oh, don't worry. You don't have a phone. You can't even do that back for Derek. You can't be his only phone call. Just give me a ride back up.

This wall... I wanted to say, people need to stop calling me when they're in the mental institution. I'm bad at that. No, you did great. You did better than fucking I did getting out. I'm out. You know, they called you and they didn't say nothing about, is that guy okay? Or any of that shit, no, he was like, he sounds like a great guy. He is here. He sounds. It's not my first time. Well, people need to stop. If I didn't know, stand, imagine a phone call in about four weeks.

So Gavin didn't answer. Yeah, Kristen, when she did answer, oh, so you're in jail. That's what she said. I'm like, that would have been a whole fucking different fucking phone call. Just like that, I told her. I said, dude, no, I'm, never mind. So you're suicidal? I said, no. Never mind. Goodbye.

Go back to work. Derek, you weren't even his first call, dude. No, he was. He was the first call. Then she answered. Then Gavin never answered until he handed him the phone and said, it's Kenny and shoved his phone in his face. And he's like, oh, that's the number that's been calling me.

Oh, I'll answer it. Well, that's because they're trying to fucking find out if there's anything in the home that's going to fucking let me kill myself or not, which, who knows what he told him? I don't give a fuck anyways. That's always ironic when they take your shoelaces. They didn't take them. I wouldn't take him out. Well, I mean, okay, but they would have. If you would have left, they would have been.

But then they're like, is there anything that you can kill yourself with him? You're like, yeah, I have shoelaces at home, you fucking ask? Oh, why would you? Yeah. After 9-11, one of my first jokes was there's ammonia in the cab. They're going to look for whatever. You can't keep knives out of prison and in prison. look in your ass. Are you going to go that far with airport security? So, like, the

frustration that you see, this is like, he's not a kill yourself kind of guy. No, not at all. No, no. I mean, he's still here for fucks-in. Yes. If he was, if I was at Castle Rock when he was threatened in the jump, I would have just, like, try to sell lawn chairs to try to sell lawn chairs to try. You're going to work, too. You would have to make some money probably. Oh, yeah, this will go on all day. At least don't dark. One of the reasons I hate myself all the time is because I know, like, if my life changed to where, like, I had to live in an apartment, I would just kill myself. I'd be like, that's too much.

I can't do that. See, I'm going the opposite way. Like, so I want to live in an apartment and not have to deal with this shit all the time. I had to live in an apartment once. I had to listen to my neighbor's fuck. Oh. I'm like, ah, I didn't know what to do about it except so then in the morning when we'd all go to work, then I would just make eye contact with them like we had a threesome.

I'm like, that was nice, wasn't? Oh, man. So here we... Oh, sorry. Yeah, I know. Sorry, kidding. Mm-hmm. I forgot.

So at what point did you try to kill yourself? Again, so it's now on Wednesday, the food they served, look, I have a gut problem. I don't know what I'm supposed to be eating at what I'm not supposed to be eating at this point. Well, let's have a look. No, you said they didn't get to... I did. Oh, I thought you want to look at a shit. No, my file...

Miles in home. I have to go back to the house and get my fucking forgot. Kenny, did you, that camera will trap? Isn't it what it is? Did you really go to the hospital for eating the circle came a rib and then bitch about the food that's in the hospital? Wasn't, they were like Chipotle bowls, just like measured. And then they'd give you extra snacks if you ask. So I was like, all right, fuck, I'm fitting in. I started fitting in.

Did you get a blanket and a pillow? I had a great, no, I had a sheet. Was there a small TV? No TV in my room. Was your food delivered to you? No. Pillows are all crinkly because they didn't give you a pillow case? So they gave me a pillowcase.

It was. They weren't even on suicide while. Yes, I was. Look, dude, I could. You should have killed yourself with a pillowcase just to show them that they were fucking off. It wasn't long enough. I couldn't even suffocate myself with it

because it was one piece pillowcase. There was, I'd had to cut a hole in it. I didn't have anything sharp. But anyways, you didn't think about it. No. So you're thinking about suicide in my hands. So we should call. Suicidal.

Let's let them know. And we have it on team. He is thinking about suicide right now. We can play that. You see an intervention. This is my statement. step too, isn't it right back in? This is center bench.

So now I'm like, fucking, I'm going to ride it out. The dude that I have let attached to. We've washed our hands of you. That's fucking bleezes. Jesus. Is this little dude named Kevin? And he's like, you're a size. Oh, did he do those commercials? And he says he's a comic.

You never, but he's just really, ah, oh, that's Kevin Hart. No. He's white. He's a white version of him, pretty much. Just, just a little more spotlight. Don't touch this stuff. He came in just, you could tell he was still high, and then I didn't, you could. I mean, I mean, dude's like, oh, boy.

You're like, been there. Well, I mean, not like that either. It's like, come on, dude. Give yourself a chance. Get some sleep. Do something. But anyways, his grandmother brought him in, but that's, anyway. So this dude rolls up, want to go to group.

And I'm like, he kept me right out of sleep. I'm like, sure. I just follow this little dude to group. And I'm like, oh, okay. So I walk in. sit on the outside of this fucking, you know, circle. And I'm the first person that makes eye contact with me this fucking, like middle-aged black dude,

probably 50 years old, got a fucking gray man bun. And I really... People don't listen, listen, listen. Please just give me a minute. Oh, blessed. Never, I can't even... I can't tell the story anymore. They eat circle...

I try it. I can't. It's impossible. I get it. Dead at 56. You can't say middle-aged is 50. But I'm sorry. So what did this guy say to you? He didn't say shit, but I noticed him pacing the morning or the afternoon of course.

But what, no? God's killing me, man. I thought maybe he was a fan. See, I did all this justice earlier at all this. Did I tell you this was going to be like this or anything? Because I swear it came out a lot better. This is like horrible for me. This isn't people's court.

No, I just, did you get some pizza? I feel like Ryan was like, okay, This is what we're gonna do, don't hung guys. This is what it is. I told Derek you guys were doing this to him when we weren't here. Apparently not. He's a hero, and I'm just... Yes.

You got a fucking hero book because he's a hero. I found it. Factual... Look, I made a picture of myself that says you're not alone, okay? And my counselor loved it. She also loved the guy's picture next to mine that was just scribbled rainbow colors and said, you are alone. I'm like, oh, bow.

Yeah, you're alone as shit. Yeah. Because now that, what a beautiful segue into now you're purposely homeless. Oh, you fucking God. You're not going to go live at your ex-wife's house. You know what? I feel like Josh was a little bit right. He's like, I don't think they're good for your mental health king.

Who's Josh? My guitarist. Oh, no, no, no, we're not. Tell him he's completely friends. Solid insight for Josh. I thought to men were help. That's how Bingham. I got together.

I said that your doctors would arise against. I didn't want it to be therapy. I figured it would be like a little smoother than this for me today. No. Well, we thought you were in a hand. I think you're taking it too seriously, Kuddy. I think if you roll with the punch,

if you hold your spot, let the color commentary happen, and then roll back in. I think you'll be solid, bud. You got this. We're listening to your story. We're intrigued. I do not want to,

even if the podcast ends right now, I want to follow you around until you tell me the rest of it. the story. So look, the black guy, call his bluff, all in. So the guy was in another podcast. I don't know. Sorry.

Oh, you got them. We got them on board, by me. We got them on board. I couldn't hold it. I tried. So now this guy, I've noticed the guy is in the neighbor, the neighboring unit where they have roomies. And there's two beds,

I don't remember what part of this story. I'm in El Dorado Behavioral Center, okay? It's realized that we're mixed in. We're not a sponsor. He followed Kevin in group. They made macaroni pictures. No, this is where I met my, this is where I met the dude that notice I'm wearing all red again, and I'm in Tucson.

I'm not thinking, now I'm using no shoes. We don't question. I'll just talk to you bingo. Can he join the gang on accident? No, I didn't. I know, I know his language, though, and he's literally, he smiles and he just goes, and he's throwing up these gangster disciple signs out. I mean, I'm just like, and in my head, I'm like,

roll number three says on the instructions, and you're not allowed to do this, and please stop, but he's just smiling at me, and I'm like, he's got a black bandana shirt under his blue paper shirt. So I'm like, oh boy, this guy's just in here to evade a sentence, I think. What is your favorite gangster disciple sign?

I'd. For us who don't know, like, the ASL and everyone should learn because of that. I was just throwing up things. Timmy was just cosplaying. Well, I was remembering his. And that gangsters, mistook Kenny's cosplay for a real gangster.

I like tech nine's music. I was not out there throwing up. There was no indicator that I am any way gang affiliated at all. Everybody wears red tech nine shirts with red pants. Look man, I've seen you on a Marvin, the Martian fucking shirt and hat.

With a broken more gayiegel in arm. At all. Neither is. Oh, wait. God damn it. Kenny said something funny and I talked over it. Now I'm the biggest dick in the world. So, but now I'm not worried about the dude because, remember, he's got a glass door between our units until he's now in my unit, in my neighbor. And I'm like, man, how did he get in our unit?

And then he's like, he's telling this dude, he's like, yeah, I had to beat up my guy for stealing my goldfish packets. And I'm like, oh, fuck. This dude's actually thinking he's in jail type of thing. This is the guy that I met in my first counseling. Yeah, no. I didn't speak at all in this meeting. You know, I just listen to them, kill ants. That's their

That's what I was doing It's killing ants Which is you find your negatives And you kill your aunt So on and so forth I had to share packets But anyways Even if it was your uncle

That touched you Kill your aunt True Kill them both But anyways You're not supposed to harm others So I get out of that one And

I find a chess board They let me I put it together A chest One complete chess set Out of three A board I mean a little dude play

I beat his ass Three times in a row, I take a break. Go to snack. They changed his diaper. No, no, I come back, and now the dude, now this dude, the black, this brother's got it, and he's setting it up on a chair. He was 70. And I'm like, so this is, I'm going to break your guy.

He said, I'll play you, bro. And he's like, all right, dog, but I got to tell you, I'm a pro with this shit here, right here. You know what I'm like, I just smirk. Again, he was 70. No. He was not. Yo, dog.

He was probably younger than me, to be honest. Sunday young. Fuck you fuck with me and chest. I it's fucking crazy, isn't it? It's funny if you picture that coming out. No, well, if you, I visualize a whole different thing in my head, and like, it's like, it's fun and funny for a second. All right, now I'm going to go eat pizza.

No, don't do it. I'm going to judge your story from afar quietly. So you're having a secret game war on the chess board. No, I'm just trying to. It's so painful. I hear this again. You never heard it. You fucking haven't listened to it once.

You fucking, um. Sorry, man. He hasn't listened to it at all. I haven't told him shit about it. Every time I had to turn the radio down for the commercials. Oh, I'd be like, I'm high as hell. Thanks for bringing the Marlboro's and the weed pen, Derek. That's all I would say to you all the way home.

That's a good double bass. And yes, I did kind of mention the black dude trying to play chess. But anyways, so he says he's a pro. He sets it up. See, this is what I give up. I do. I'm not, yeah. Can you call on me if I ever need me, man.

I'm broke. It's all right, Ryan. No, I can't... Derek's number is way too easy to not call him first. I got an easy to remember number and then I realized that wasn't the best idea. No, it's... It's... I'm boring, yes, but it's because... It's 5-5-5.

5.5. Well, it, Derek, you can be cared. Definitely need to double up on my anti-anxiety meds this evening. Um... No, not at all. Take a cigarette, but stronger. Yeah, marriage, talking. Thank you.

Um... Yeah. Yeah, but we go to set the board up. He sets it up completely wrong, and I was friendly, I nicely told him that's set up this way. He's like, no, dog, it's this way. And I'm like, no, it's this way. I handed him the instruction manual.

He actually read it, and he goes, all right, you're right, you're right, he switched them back. And then I said, your queen goes on her own color. And he's like, that's not, go ahead, bye, Doug. I don't like to eat on camera. I'll be right back. I told you we should have just took it right there on the porch, and that would have been it.

That'd have been the best. I can't. Should we wait until he realizes he wants his back? Well, it's humorous, I thought, when I was telling it earlier. I think we should stand outside the window and have our own. It's right, we're might. We're might. But I ended up not playing this dude because I actually got frustrated like I am now.

and wait wait wait wait wait about i'm just i don't be dumb just wait for it like in my dead dead error joan got me into a fight think you need us and the nurse looked at me throws the thumbs um maybe you learn something this on your third day here you know just walk away i'll cut it all out anyway or hopefully montage it of a picture in there just walked in this Eric, this miserable. It's everything ended with motherfucker with this dude. So I'm like, yeah, this guy's just mad. You know, and I'm trying not to be like this guy,

so I'm going to stay away from him as much as I can. But by then, I am now looking around the room and seeing what I'm actually around. And it's like, oh, boy. I am actually don't need to be here. Mike, it's just gross. Anyways. Huh, that seemed to slow down a bit without us.

You're mean, you know that? But anyways, yeah, but I realized that I wasn't nuts, and I wasn't as high as these other people were. I said on a previous podcast, and that gentleman who was their guest, can attest that you're a very intelligent person. Well, yeah, I feel like that I realized that too, in my little head stay.

And, yeah, I took about six hours a day. bad housekeeping I'd rate them at a two-star on the housekeeping I feel like if your takeaway was that you're not nuts you might want to look again no I realize I am because as soon as I like I did now if I could I left my pills of Derek so I'd just start popping in green and whites easily

just eat it as I start getting mad because as soon as I'm kicking I'm not mad anymore you know what I mean that sucks but they work well had nuts addictive personality It's all the same. Yeah. When I said intelligent, I didn't say that you're in any good,

stable mindset on any level ever, but just like to play boggle with you and you're coming up with fucking nine bangers and boggle. And you're like, this guy, yeah, should be thinking about something else. But you're not.

I was thinking about just, get me out of here, please, and can I get more raisin brand? At this point now, I'm just, I felt instant. I felt like I'm,

Now I'm just chilling at this point. I'm like, yeah, just more raisin brand. I have a serious question. It might not sound like a serious question, but it really is. What were you looking forward to most about being away from there? Because I've listened to you tell stories about what, you know, like being at home, and then you finally made some money to eat a sandwich. And to me, I would really rather be there.

I want to go run and hide into a little shed right now and go back, to be honest. No, don't. Well, if you had any like carpentry skills I can build stuff in my head I want I want to turn the crawl space into a little prison area

to Bobby Johnny Depp's jail cell on a stupid island where I go no I want to stay in a jail cell fuck the nine fucking bedroom thing I need some white towels some sheets we can do this now no like old school 1900s Australian

cruise ship from London Titanic. Lusty fucking bars and a mat The problem is you gonna Isn't that already there? No

ship in some gel bars I think the rest is there though I might be able to pick those up for you soon You never know I think you got something right here Oh yeah it's pizza He's lovely if you don't have shit though He just got you to know

It's there Yep That's pizza and it's cold So, I mean, needless to say, I didn't beat up anybody with face tattoos. Most people left me alone. One guy sat next to me the first day when he hadn't face tattoos. I think they were voodoo or something. I'm not quite sure.

But he's like, I'm going to sit here, dog, is that cool? I'm like, yeah, cool. He never sat with me again. Ron Putnam. You remember Ron Putnam. Ron Putnam was the first guy to bring me on stage at Las Vegas at the open mic at the escape lounge to, and he had just this boatload of stories and, uh, what? See how it feels there? See how that feels?

He would, and he would just tell these outlandish stories, and, uh, I have no idea what you just said that reminded me of that, but I thought we could close on it. And then I lost it right in the middle. But you're very much like Ronnie Putnam, who you had the pleasure of meeting maybe before he died or were you there the day we did whippets out of his ash bag. He was a very large man. He's about 400 pounds. So when we brought his ashes to Death Valley, we spread him all over the crowd, and then we did whippets, put Nytis, into the ash bag. And, we put Nytches into the ash bag. and that somehow relates to whatever the fuck he was just talking about, but I don't know how. It's because it's a horrible story.

That's a great story. Well, I'm out. Derek was there within three minutes after them letting me downstairs. He had two marlboroughs, a whole pack of cigarettes, and his weed pen. And then he just turned the fucking heavy metal up and drove straight home, which took like three and a half hours of fucking traffic. I needed to have two cigarettes to smoke at the same time. he did but I already bung one from the fucking grandparents so some dude that was just getting checked in so cool

you know I already yeah I was already plotting beating up people that need to be beaten up in there I'm just gonna leave this because this has gone on too long and this whole will the cliffhanger for this Kenny will be the part two game voluntary homeless that he keeps dodging I'm not dodging it you really want to know it's not Wonder Woman no no we'll find out next time. Bingo's

literally falling asleep. Your friend put on two hats over there. Yeah. Stretching. All right. I'm stretching this podcast. I'm stretching my mind. Derek, thank you for being such a good friend to Kenny.

Appreciate it. I really do. Thanks for not calling Chad first. I didn't have this. Dude, you can tell my phone died because halfway through a phone number, to stop writing numbers. Wait, your phone? You have a phone? I have my contacts in my phone. If I have wireless, I can still... Okay, all right. Yeah, I forget how that works. All right. Like a Tard mode phone. It's what it does. And it sometimes goes and sometimes it does it.

I texted you and it didn't work. I actually texted you from the hospital. And it said, message sent back. Message blocked something. I'm like, yeah, thanks God. Just blocked me out. I know. It's in fucking Singapore. I know that. You think they're going to take a call from you? God, thanks, bud. I'm just saying, they're fucking one of the richest countries in the world. You're in an airplane above Singapore. Well, Singapore knows who you are.

Yeah, sure they did. Get that broke ass out of my fucking system. I mean. I didn't have much going on anyways. Hey, but I swear you, before they even gave me my shit back, that would have been a closer. Goodbye. That would have been the closer.

I didn't have much going on anyway. All right.