The Doug Stanhope Podcast - #544 - "Proxicologist Call #4"

Episode Date: March 10, 2024

Doug make another call to online therapist using listener submissions as his own issues. Thank You Patreon Subscribers. We could not do this without your ongoing support. Recorded February, 2024 Via Zoom at the Compound in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope), and Dr. X. Produced by Stanhope and edited by Chaille. Signed copies of "This Is Not Fame" available while supplies last at Stanhope Store - http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/ We have no idea what the future holds so get on the Mailing List at https://www.dougstanhope.com/. When we know, we'll let you know. LINKS - TheFreezePipe.com - Shop now at TheFreezePipe.com & use code STANHOPE for 10% off your entire order. Closing song, “The Stanhope Rag”, written and performed by Scotty Conant for Doug Stanhope and used with permission – Available on Soundcloud - https://soundcloud.com/scottyconant Photo by StanhopeSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

Hey, these episodes are titled Proxycologist because it's therapy by proxy. Maybe you can't afford online therapy. Maybe I get it for free. So what I did, because I don't have enough problems, I had you email your problems to me so I could take them to a therapist as though they're my own problems, even if they don't sync up with my problems

and your problems, and then it's a cacophony of problems. But then we try to see if they have anything to say that would give you free advice. So that's the premise we call proxycologist. Let's get to the episodes. All right. I'm afraid that this is going live. This is going live.

Somebody text me and tell me. Or blow up Bingo's Twitter. Fuck. Okay. Let's join the video session. Hello. Hello, Stan. How are you?

Good. How are you? Good. Thank you for asking. Welcome to the platform. Is this your first time using BetterHelp? I've not really. It's been a while. Okay. So I did try it once. I didn't know I had the option to change therapists back then. We just weren't connecting. Okay. Well, I don't get much background on you guys when you come into therapy.

There is the one little worksheet that you work out and type in when you join. So usually the first session I like to spend some time getting to know a bit about you and what brings you to want to see me. Right. Well, I think the biggest thing, I took some notes coming in. I think my biggest thing is I'm just, I get tired of being just kind of stepped on. I really need to learn how to stand up for myself. I really need to learn how to stand up for myself. Okay. Can you tell me a little bit more about what are some situations that you find yourself struggling with?

Oh, goodness. Just the people I tend to surround myself with are just so needy, and I always wind up just placating them. I just feel like sometimes I'm a doormat for everybody's problems. Okay. And I'll tell you, they have some problems. Okay. Tell me a little bit about, like yourself, you're 56. What do you do? How do you spend your days? What do your relationships look like? All that kind of stuff. Oh, I guess I spend a lot of time trying to work on my skin so I don't look 56. I, my relationships are, as I said, too many. Too many dead weight friends. I just am always constantly bombarded with everyone's problems.

I mean, I still try to have an active lifestyle. I like to go out. I like to have fun. It just seems like everywhere I open a door, there's someone there trying to drag me down to their miserable level. Okay. If you could see my email inbox. Oh, sugar.

Yeah. Where do you meet these people? Bars, mostly bars and activities that usually that happen at nightclubs or sometimes at brunches or bars. Okay. Out and about. Or they come over sometimes. Sometimes I would go out to see them, but it always ends with the same thing. Oh, by the way, I guess I just have some kind of thing about me.

You know how people are magnets for some types of people. I'm a magnet for, you know, where I'm not a psychologist. My friend, Maren, for example, we, I have on my nails, and we would go out almost every weekend. We're thick as thieves. And she calls and says, oh, I'm going to therapy

because I drink and I drink with you. And then I end up going back to my opioids and my prescription pills that I'm not supposed to do. And I've got to go to rehab. Can you help me out? And I'm like, first of all, you're so much fun when you drink. And I think you're just being a drama queen with this whole rehabilitation. Oh, look at me I'm going to rehab because it's the cool thing to do and I and I say just why don't you just you know

drink a little bit less and take a little bit less of the opioids and the valiums and you're fine because you're fun you don't remember it but I remember it and I say I can just videotape how much fun you are when you just don't remember and that way you don't have to spend a bunch of money on rehab and then it's like all my advice goes straight out the window and they don't listen so I should just cut off these relationships I think well or do you feel like you have to give them advice or do you feel like you just need to cut off like if you're offering you know the types of support that you're offering well it's it's my phone that's doing the ringing i'm

not calling up my friends and saying hey what's your problems unload them on me i'm the city dump of emotions right no i know that but i mean like do you offer them like do you just let them vent or do you do you get upset because they're not offering you know they're not taking your suggestions and moving forward with them well I give them incredible advice and that's why they keep coming back but then they just don't listen it's like the abused wife syndrome where you know she just keeps I'm going to take him back one more time. And everyone says, hey, let him go. There's a specific friend of mine that has an abusive relationship. She was dating a musician and he quit drinking. So instead, he turned all of his attention

into long distance running and also underage girls behind her back. And then once they had a big blowout, he went and talked a bunch of smack on the Internet about her. And she comes over to me like it's my problem because I'm the one that introduced them. Well, you know what, honey? I didn't say he was a saint. Right. So I don't know why I always have to be the bad guy. And why can't I just stand up for myself? Okay. So do you, when you think about times in your life where you've had to

have boundaries or had to stand up for yourself, what did those times look like? times look like? Well, I can't think of a time that I really did stand up for myself. I had a friend and he was going through a custody battle. And I remember I was trying to be there by his side for the process. And I said, why don't instead of the fighting, why don't you just be positive and just let her go? Let your daughter just go. I mean, she slows up your lifestyle. She's not attractive. She's certainly not smart smart why don't you just let her live with her mother and you know what maybe we can spend more time together on the

weekends because you can never come out because of that kid anyway and uh and that was one time that that he did listen and he just let that child go and now again thick as thieves were there till last call every friday saturday and sometimes on Thursday they have karaoke, and then they have comedy nights on Monday, but ugh. Okay. So it sounds like you do really struggle when they come to you and you give them advice and they don't follow through. Right. Or they just have a pile of excuses. Okay.

Okay. or they just have a pile of excuses. Okay. Tell me a little bit about, like, do you have any kind of family relationships, Dan? No, I thought that my parents both passed away the last time in 2008. And I have a brother that I don't speak with and i haven't in almost a decade um okay uh he was uh he had uh he had lots of troubles too that he um oh hi i um i pee i got uh drunk and i peed on my laptop in a blackout drunk and now my wife is mad at me it was her laptop from work and you borrow me three thousand dollars and you know what i i borrowed him some money but i say you

know what who needs a three thousand dollar computer i have mine cost as mine it was like three hundred dollars i don't even get it i never got paid back okay um how about like i understand what you like to do for fun because you shared that what is your day-to-day life look like what does your routine look like well i usually get up to feed the cat around 6 30 in the morning because it's and then i um then i take uh some uh xanax and i try to get back to sleep until about 11 or noon um and then i go see what kind of messes are on my emails and my voicemails and whose problems and do some dishes and then um i love love on the spectrum have you watched that? It's so funny. It's people with, well, spectrum disease,

and they date them like regular people. They go out on dates. It's funny. It's kind of like when you see a monkey riding a tricycle. So I binge watch is what I'm saying. Uh, and then, and then the next thing, you know, I'm on the phone with someone who's, I was going to Hawaii. This was going to be Superbowl weekend. We were going to Hawaii and, uh, you know, these people, I'm sure the people that you see the excuses coming from five miles away. And she calls me up and she says, oh, Kevin hit me again and he broke my jaw and I'm in traction.

And I think I'm going to be hostile. And I'm going to get let me guess, you're not going to make the flight and I'm going to have to go to Hawaii all by myself. Right again. Yep. These are the people I'm talking about that. You know what? Maybe you just go your path and I go my path. Right. Um, so you meet, like you use the internet as a way to meet people and then sometimes you travel and meet up with them and sometimes just meet with them around town. Yeah, or on some of the apps. Sometimes I meet people on the apps. Okay.

Okay. When you first filled out your worksheet to come on to BetterHelp, one of the things that you stated was that you wanted to have a sounding board for all the chatter that you hear in your head. Can you tell me a bit about that? Well, it's mostly just being down on myself. It's just like you are such a stupid loser. Look at all these friends that you call your friends and not one of them is even rich. Is that the best you

can do with your life is hang around with these people you should be you know i should be in hollywood i think um i work uh i do a little bit of uh i i like to do hair and makeup, and I also do massage. It's more, I guess they call it gig work. Do you know what that is? I don't. It's like unlicensed. Okay. So I don't really have a license to do these things. So it's kind of under the table or under the boards, however you say.

Yeah. Yeah. Who can't rub a back or, you know, snip some bangs? Okay. So you do a lot of under the table. Yeah, just the unlicensed

you know, things. Okay. And then when you're, tell me a little bit more about like your history with mental health like have you struggled with depression and anxiety or like when you were in therapy before what kind of things were you working on uh well i i do I have depression a lot of times. I fall apart at Tori Amos songs.

I just, I bawling. I had to cut a lot of those artists out of my playlist and Spotify because, you know, who wants to, who wants to drink with a cry baby? Well, when you're sad, that's hard. Yeah. It's a lot of the imagery in her songs. I don't know if there should be laws against it, because I guess one person's art is going to make another person cry. Might, yeah.

But she went through some things that I also went through. I did suffer from some sexual abuse as a young person. And now, because some of my people around me know that, now it's kind of the cool thing is, oh, I was molested. And now everyone wants to be my friend because they were molested. Well, I was molested way before you and way better than you way worse than you i should say however so don't come to me triggering me by saying you know what i went through okay i was at a boys club when i was go ahead you feel like you share this information with people and then they turn around and try to say that they can relate? Right. Don't you hate that?

It's so selfish of them. Okay. What makes you feel like they're not being honest? It's just not as good a story as mine. And they probably wouldn't even tell it if it wasn't popular to everyone tell their stories now. Do you ever listen to Maria Bam bamford i don't yeah she just she's a comedian and she just i listen to her book and she's all about her mental illness and makes it popular and then everyone thinks that i'm their friend because they were molested too well i wrote i wrote a transcript for a manuscript for a book

about mine and they said well the market's already flooded, and we don't take unsolicited solicitations. I don't know how the book people work, but they said no. And it's because my story was probably first. I'm 56 years old, so what happened to me happened when I was eight. I was probably the first person to be molested, as far as I know, because no one talked about it when I was young. Yeah, it was pretty hush-hush before.

Yeah, or they just didn't do it. Yeah. Okay. What other kinds of things do you feel like you've been through that maybe others haven't or that you feel like others try to to compare to well i can drink more than most my friends uh i don't get sloppy uh that's a good thing i think i'm a straight shooter and sometimes people don't like the truth um hey uh you know you have an eating disorder that you complain about all the time and you bring the party down with it but i have to remind you you are in a relationship so there's no reason for you to be throwing up food you already have someone

so why as someone once said uh the race is over take off the uniform so you can just go blow up as fat as a cow because you already have a ring on your finger you're not some single girl who has to go throwing up and bulimic bulimia so do you feel like um people that struggle from anorexia bulimia um only have issues if they're single well i mean i don't know why else they would do that okay i mean unless they're trying to be a supermodel but you know and where i live in rural arizona no one's going to the catwalk. Do you know what I'm saying? They just want someone to pay the mortgage.

Well, I think that it's important to remember that an eating disorder is an illness. So there's lots of reasons why people have those. It's an illness how? It's an addiction illness so but it's not like something like covid where you because i don't know if there's are there bulimia deniers it becomes a mental health condition okay you know becomes very people become very obsessed with it and very focused

on it and it I've seen you know I've treated many many people in different different seasons of their life with different life dynamics that really suffer so it would be like an alcohol addiction or a drug addiction even

sometimes yeah but I don't So it would be like an alcohol addiction or a drug addiction even sometimes. Yeah, but I don't. I believe in tough love and just straight shooting with hard facts. Listen, you don't need to throw up meals. If you just realize and listen to my logic, then you can see past your mental illnesses and you go, oh, maybe I don't have to throw up so many meals and I can eat cake for breakfast because, you know, Roy Rogers here is paying all the bills. Well, that is definitely one perspective, but I would caution you that people have a lot of different opinions and everybody's entitled to their opinion. And within those are some struggles and life experiences that have created them.

I see what you're saying, but you can see what I'm saying. If you ask me for help and I give you facts and figures and you don't listen and you still complain about the same problems the next week, maybe I'm just going to take your number out of my Rolodex. Well, and that absolutely is, you know, your decision. You get to do that, which is totally fine, I believe, you know. Right. Hang on. Let me knock this ad out. Hey, Freeze Pipe, if you want to be the life of the party

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Okay. Yeah, don't say, oh, so-and-so. When I was eight years old, and I'm going to tell you, I don't think I've ever told anyoneand-so. When I was eight years old, and I'm going to tell you, I don't think I've ever told anyone what happened to me when I was eight and bisexual. I went to the boys' club. I was sent there in the summer by my parents who were going through a divorce, and I had to go to the boys' club, and they wanted me.

They said after, I think we were playing where you leapfrog over each other, one of those games where we were all sweaty and they said to go in there now. And it was a shower and all the boys were naked and their penises were out and I had to see them. And that's when I ran back and I just, I ran straight out of there and I called my mother and I said you pick me up right now and I didn't get any therapy from seeing that and I still you know when I look at um I have a triggered going into a men's room just because I'm afraid of seeing penises yeah you went through a tough time in your life. Yeah, probably first. Probably first what? What do you mean?

That's what I'm saying. That was back in the day where you didn't talk about those things. Right. So I struggle with, I guess it would be PTSD is what that's called. Okay. And so how do you work through some of that when you feel triggered now as an adult? Well, sometimes what I do is I journal and I write down because I thought with all the advice that I've given over the years, I should compile a book of, you know, just a psychology for dummies type of book. I can't use that name because there is a for dummies series of books, but you know, the psychology psychotherapy for

morons or something that's not trademarked because, and just go through different chapters. And just go through different chapters. Sorry, I'm just looking at my notes. You're okay. Take your time. Anyway, so that's one of the ways that i cope is writing down the best of best of stay on hope advice for people who have cruel and unusual lives with circumstances like abuses of substances sexual abuses all the things that people are complaining about nowadays and i just say hey pour a glass of wine and toughen up. Okay.

That could be a title. As you work through kind of trying to decide how you're going to manage some of these people and friends and relationships that you have, when they don't listen to you, are you pretty confident that at this point you're going to start kind of just cutting them out of your life? Well, I always just seem to find some way. Usually I'll have maybe a glass of wine too much and just call them up and say, come on down. Nobody's down here anymore. This bar is empty.

Just come see me. Just come. And then, you know, I get them to come out, get out of bed and Uber down there. on down nobody's down here anymore this bar is empty just come see me just come and then you know i get them to come out get out of bed and uber down there and then usually by then i'm half asleep nodding off at the bar so but then they're back in your life and you go okay i said i'll go to brunch with you so we'll go to. And then you're the whole time going, ho-hum, I should never drink again if this is what it gets me into. Yeah. And so do you feel like you drink a lot? I drink, I would say moderately.

I start maybe about, well, when I wake up, I do have a Baileys and coffee, which is a little bit of Baileys. It's just sweet. It's not really a drink with a splash of a shot of whiskey. It's called the Irish coffee, but that's just to start. And then if it's on a weekend or during the week with friends, I could have a Bloody Mary with breakfast or brunch and then, or a mimosa. Sometimes they have, there's a place here. Oh my God, it's so ridiculous.

They have all you can drink mimosas on Saturdays and Sundays and would never miss it. Then, so I don't usually start really drinking until around, you know, happy hour when people drink, right? And so I'll have some wine, and then sometimes they have shots special, so we'll get some rounds of shots, and then later on. I don't like to drink beer because it makes me pee, and then I get triggered by the men's room.

But on Dollar Draft Night, again again i'm very good at drinking and i don't usually lose my composure okay so yeah till about last call which is one o'clock here most of the bar is shut down okay um do you have to go by yourself well sometimes i have to go by yourself? Well, sometimes I have to go by myself because a lot of people aren't returning my phone calls. I pick up the phone when they call me, but you know, I need some friends and all of a sudden no one's around, but I'll go by myself.

And this is what you need to know is because that's where I find a lot of my clients. I go, oh, your skin is rugged. Let me give you a, what do you call it, loofah bath. Or your hair is, oh, that's, you know, this, hey, cut it or burn it. So that's where I'll get clients. Okay.

And do you find that that's a successful way to run your business? You do pretty well there. Well, here's the thing. People are more amenable to, um, what I would call back alley haircuts or, you know, massage where I can just set up the appointment and get them to pay me while they're, you know, under the influence. Uh, and that way they can't back out of it. And or sometimes if it's just a simple haircut, I could just do it right there in the parking lot while we smoke. Because you have to go outside to smoke cigarettes.

What's this country coming to? Right. Have you ever found that, you know, doing those kinds of things, white people are under the influence. Have you ever found that to get yourself in trouble? Oh, well, sometimes they complain, but I don't have a license. Who are they going to call? The Better Business Bureau? Okay, I see. Hang on. You know what that reminds this commercial break. You're listening to the Doug Stanhope podcast. All right,

we're back. All right. Do you ever feel like you put yourself in danger doing those things? Cutting hair. I'm running with scissors at a certain age i can run with scissors well i was mostly talking about dealing with intoxicated people that are unhappy oh they're usually sober by the time that they would be uh dissatisfied i'd call it. Not unhappy, just less than satisfied. Okay. Have you ever had anybody come back and try to find you? Well, there's enough locations, there's enough bars that I frequent in a circle that I can,

you know, or I have a series of hair pieces. I'm losing a bit of my hair back here. So I got, I have some hair pieces that I could get, I can wear or not wear to disguise myself if I'm afraid of some bully. Okay. Do you feel like you get afraid very often? No, because I take quite a bit of Syraquil. Anytime I have an anxiety problem, my wife, who passed away from a traumatic brain injury, she was an insaneo, mentally ill, and she had stockpiled so much Seroquel. That's pretty much all I got as an inheritance in the will was all our Seroquel. So if I get nervous, panicky, you know, watching the last episode of Breaking Bad, I remember I took seven Seroquel. I was slept for 72 hours. Yeah.

Dead cold. That's a lot of Seroquel. Yes. Yeah. But I was so nervous. That's pretty unsafe. Do you do things like that often? Only when I get

terrified. Okay. What kind of things terrify you? Well, my cat stares at me while I sleep. Oh, goodness. How do you know that? I sometimes videotape him. Oh, okay. How do you know that? I sometimes videotape him. Oh, okay.

Smart. And so that really scares you? If you could see the cat, I wish I could find... If I could find the cat and you saw him, he's huge, and he has these eyes that seem to look right through you. Okay. Do you know they do that to dead people? And he has these eyes that seem to look right through you. Okay. Like he's like, do you know they do that to dead people?

If you die and your cat is there and no one finds your body and that can happen. If you don't have a lot of friends, they'll eat your face. I've read about true stories where they'll eat your face. Oh, that sounds incredibly scary. There's a found dead podcast with Christine Levine.

They talk to people who have found dead bodies, and that story has come up two different separate instances where they ate a lady's face. Oh. That's because you had no friends. If this cat terrifies you and you know those things, how come you keep it? Well, I've tried to pawn it off on other people, but once I explain to them that

he might be a Satan cat, they can crawl up on your face and they lay eggs in your mouth like, what was the movie, The Aliens? I've heard they do that and their back legs go limp and then they crawl up and they can smother and suffocate

you the same cast yeah that sounds pretty scary okay usually what maybe he's no he knows he's being filmed but when i film him he just stares at me okay do you take anything else besides the Seroquel? I take a lot of psyllium husk. And I'll tell you, what psyllium husk will do is it swells up and it pushes the bowel and the colon. So you have very regular bowels. Because when you take a lot of the pills and alcohol together, you know, for your health, your mental health, it can clog up your colon. So I take a lot of psyllium husk and I try to drink a lot of liquids. It's important to stay hydrated. Right. So I'll take psyllium husk with a two liter bottle of Fanta soda, usually strawberry, and that will move all the products. It's for your health. And that's why I say looking so young.

What else do you take besides Seroquel and alcohol? Well, the psyllium husk. And I buy the multivitamins, but I forget to take them. I think if I get the chewables that were delicious, I might remember to take them. Do you take any other types of drugs, whether they be prescribed or not? Well, I have occasionally tried cocaine and or methamphetamine, where I was just trying to stay up to drink longer because everyone else was staying up.

We rented a houseboat once up at Lake Powell because everyone else was staying up we rented a houseboat once up at lake powell and um yeah everyone was staying up for you know 48 72 hours and the only way to stay up with them doing methamphetamine and whatnot is to to indulge in and enjoy okay all right stan and joy. Okay. All right, Stan. Well, is there anything else before we wrap up today that you think would be important for me to know? I would just,

because you probably hear people's problems a lot yourself. I would just want to know what you would say to some of these people that are in my life and bothering me with their issues about substance abuse suicidal ideation things that uh abuse um relationship struggles to seek professional help and you know people that are suicidal

should probably be going to the emergency room to get an evaluation, but they really should probably be seeing a doctor or a therapist. Okay. And if they can't afford it, they should probably see someone unlicensed. Maybe I... Well, they should always see somebody licensed for those kinds of things. see somebody licensed for those kinds of things is if i were to sell my book especially to all these people with the problems if i did were to put together a manuscript of uh i can't remember that title i came up with something about wine anyway um would i could i put a a doctor uh a doctor, Stan Hope, on the book cover?

Or is that Stolen Valor? Well, I think that that would be illegal because you're not a doctor. But you know what? You'd have to seek legal counsel for that. I have no clue. Okay. Well, that could be just my first two initials, D.R. Stan Hope. Yeah.

All right, Stan. Thank you very much. It was nice to, you didn't complain one time to me.

I think you're my only friend that doesn't have some problem that I'm supposed to solve. And I

appreciate your time. Thank you. Stay safe today. Thank you very much. Bye.

That was hard for me. Yeah, I had some fucking lines there. Okay, these are the ones that I had to type down to shut my mouth up. I have three. It would have been perfect. I didn't really know exactly where

this was going to go. I was going to try to text you to go get me the giant glasses so I could keep bringing bigger and bigger glasses of different cocktails. But see, that would have looked horrible. She did notice when I switched glasses. Oh, okay. The ones that I had to, I just had to type. Hang on, we're still filming, so we might as well do this because

to keep in. She was, I don't think there's, she was just wearing a sweatshirt and blurred out background there was a couple times

we can't show her of course but yeah so you think bulimia is well yeah yeah I stalled at the end because i was gonna say that i could just do your job i don't need a license but but if we do do back alley therapy i don't want her uh googling this stan hope who just threatened to do yeah i wouldn't want to get caught that way the old oh i told you i was gonna do this criminal bucket enterprise you kind of have to anyway all right uh there you go if you uh if

you have your own mental health problems and you don't want to just try to be funny you can be funny as long as you're being serious about what's up you can email those subject line mental health to meetwig at hotmail.com. Still faithful to the hotmail. សូវាបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានប� Thank you.