The Doug Stanhope Podcast - #547 - "Where Are They Now?: Margo Wollenberg" (AUDIO)

Episode Date: March 29, 2024

It's Doug's birthday and all he wants is Margo back on the podcast. Margo Wollenberg, 85, is a Bisbee legend and sold Doug his house here 19 years ago. She is consistently amongst the most requested guests to return to the podcast and is joined today by her neighbor, Lori.  Thank You Patreon Subscribers. We could not do this without your ongoing support. Not a subscriber? Support the podcast at www.patreon.com/stanhopepodcast Closing song, “The Stanhope Rag”, written and performed by Scotty Conant for Doug Stanhope and used with permission – Available on Soundcloud - https://soundcloud.com/scottyconantSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

Wait, wait. Cam! Would you wait for the camera to roll? God damn! You made me angry. Are we on? Can you do it for me to do this? Yes?

Slap. Slappy. Whoo! Are we going? Yep. Slappy. Hi, I'm Doug Stanhope, and on today's podcast, we have Margo Wallenberg. Margo, who sold me the house, this very house at 212 Van Dyke Street, Bisbee, Arizona.

We'll cover that a little bit. And the first time, Margo, and thank you for all the Patreon people and Reddit. I've grown to love that. Where are they now? And a lot of people, hey, where's Margo? She's been on the podcast a couple times.

Was she 85? She'll be 85 in April if she makes it because it's only March 25th, my birthday. Do I celebrate my birthday? No. But I said I can use that

as an excuse because I don't want to bother an 85-year-old woman to bother an 85 year old woman to get her six foot one frame out of bed and hauled over here and and and day drink you know early day drink because she goes to bed early but she's a fucking monster and you've asked for her to be back. The first time Margo was on the podcast, we picked her up at her house and she was dolled up with lipstick and makeup and she said,

all right, and you'll see how she talks if you haven't heard the other podcast. She goes, so am I actually getting into a pod? No, no, it's just kind of like, it's like radio used to be. All right, but I don't have to. No, it's just going to be audio.

They're not going to see your face. And then she's like wiping off her lipstick. She is one of the best people I've ever met in my life. She's a fucking legend. And you'll see if you haven't heard the old, we should package when we have, okay. Why can't we do that? Like, hey, is there a Margo package

and do three Margo podcasts in a row? Maybe you, the listener can do this. Do something for Christ's sakes. It's my birthday. Don't make me think. Fuck you. Let me ask you a question. Fuck you.

You're listening to the Doug Stanhope podcast. Yeah. Yeah. You showed up at that show like you had a chip on your shoulder and something to prove. Like, I'm not dead yet. Well, it is something to prove. I would stop by your house all the time and just see if there's any signs of life. Exactly. Yeah.

Because I thought another Western Airlines, you used to be a flight attendant, right? No, I wanted to be, but I was too tall. Okay, but you worked for Western Airlines. Yes, I did. I was in reservations, but I couldn't... I really wanted to be a stewardess, but in those days the height limit was, I think, 5'8". And you're 6'1". I was 6'1", then, so that didn't work.

How much have you lost? Because Fred always, you know Fred, he's, I think, 82. Oh, Fred Miller? Yeah. Oh, yeah. He's such a dear. He's one of the few. He 86'd me from... Yes, he did. Yes, Fred Miller? Yeah. Oh, yeah. He's such a dear. Yeah. He's one of the few. He 86'd me from

Yes, he did. Yes, he did. Call him up. Get him over here. I want an apology. So we go in. We go in after she'd been 86'd and so we were going in to have dinner at the bar and we walked in. Now, this is Cafe Roca, which is our only

Well, now Copper Pig is pretty trendy and nice. But Cafe Roca is several course meals. It's the only place... Very she-she. It's the nicest restaurant. Fred Miller, when I moved here, and I only knew him as the bartender from Roca,

everyone was like, that guy is such a fucking prick. Like, everyone... And he was. He was. He was a good bartender, though, man. He made the best drinks. He was the best. I'm like, yeah. I always called him a mixologist. He was a good bartender, though, man. He made the best drinks. He was the best.

I'm like, yeah. I always called him a mixologist. He wasn't a bartender. He was a mixologist. Absolutely. So he tells Margo, okay, you can stay, but you can only have one and a half drinks. That's what he said.

Yeah. And you had an old-fashioned. I had a lemon drop. And then after. Scotch old-fashioned. After you were done with your Scotch old-fashioned. And for her half drink, she had a double Scotch. Right, right. Because he made her a half drink.

Now, wait a minute. Tell us why you got 86ed. Oh, because I was sitting with Nicholas DeVore, and he despised Nicholas DeVore. You know, he's just a fabulous guy. Is he still around? No, he flew away. Was that one of your old people euphemisms for when someone dies?

Yeah, I just say they flew away. He caught the last train to Sheffield. The last train to paradise, man. Well, Nick had invited me down there, and I just come walking in and sit at the table with Nikki, and Fred comes up and says, you're all 86. What the fuck? You didn't even do anything? You have such great capacity to cause trouble. I know, I just sat down. That was enough to get me in trouble. It's weird, I'm just remembering that now. Fred's here

for almost every football Sunday, the sweetest guy in the world,. I'm just remembering that now. Fred's here for almost every football Sunday, the sweetest guy in the world, and I'm just remembering no one. Oh, and 20 years ago when I moved here, he was known to be just a take-no-shit. Mr. Marky-ass man. I loved him to death from the moment I met him because he made an amazing lemon drop in him.

Because he did. You're my guy. I was whiskey sours with proper egg whites. Proper. Properly done. That's why I fell in love with him. Perfect drink. The scotch old-fashioned he made for me,

it was just ideal. Yeah, it was good. Oh, so that pre-mixed old-fashioned, I shouldn't try to... Oh, I bet he would love that, huh? You know what? All the times, for years, Fred comes over for football. Not once has he ever made a cocktail for us.

You'd think he'd go, oh, let me, you know, kind of like I was trying to make some raspberry sauce for the cheesecake. And if you do it poorly enough and someone knows how to do it, they'll go, let me. He did that. Let me help you. Let me help you with that. I had some Omaha steaks and Alex, the Australian, he's like,

I'd heat up the pan a little bit more before you put it down. And I'd do this. And finally I go, you want to cook this, don't you? He goes, yes, I do. Absolutely. You should brown it a little bit more before you turn it on. Go ahead, Alex. See, my hat matches your jacket.

That's why I went and put this on. Thank you very much. And he brought you an ashtray that matches your jacket. Is it your birthday? It's your birthday. It's almost her birthday. And you're 57 today. Wow, that's great. Yeah, that's why I was

I thought about having you and Fred over just to be the youngest guy at the table where I feel really old and then just have like 165 years of experience in two chairs on either side of me. And you'd have the guy that

86'd with the woman who was 86. Yeah. You could have a little, you know, he could like tell you. I won't be 86 for another year. Yeah, that's right. Yeah, it's too bad. I have not been into Cafe Roca since he's left

because I didn't feel there was anything but disappointment over the horizon. I can't imagine anyone being as good a bartender as Fred. Now, Yoni was pretty good. He's not bartending. He is. Yoni. I love that name. Oh, is he? Yeah, and you know what a Yoni is, and that's his real name.

No, I don't know what a Yoni is. It's a vagina. Yeah. And his name is Yoni, and Yoni means vagina. In what language? It's a pussy. Is it like, is it Hindu or something like that?

Like, you don't eat? Yeah, I don't know what language it is, but it means vagina. Yeah. So, the first time he made a drink for me,

I said, you know what your name means, right? And he goes, I know what my name means. Okay. He's really a lady. I know what my name means,

cunt. Well, hang on. I was saying what my name means. Is there a comma or are you calling me? Are you saying, yes, I know what it means. Cunt is what it means. Or are you calling me?

I don't. Ma'am, I'm going to have you 86. Yes. He's a lovely man and he's a great bartender. He's a great bartender. Yeah. Really into it. He was doing all the craft cocktail. Oh, yeah. Everything was craft. He likes the style bartender. Yeah. Really into it. He was doing all the craft cocktails.

Oh, yeah. Everything was very, everything was craft. He likes the style with the. Built, yes. Interesting. Exactly. You know, Becker said, and I don't think he can really back it up at his bar, but he says, if you can't, like, if the bartender isn't giving you a reason, like, to, you have to

sell a product. If you're going to be just a boring bartender, I can drink at home for way cheaper. You have to be, as a bartender... An artist. Entertain me. You have to be an artist and a shrink and an entertainer, and you have to make a damn good drink.

Right. That was almost a poem. Shrink and drink. Yeah. It's so funny, when I sold real estate, people would not come in the office because they felt once they came into the office, they had committed to me.

Oh, yeah. But if I was tending bar, they'd come up and I'd find out everything i needed to find out from them to sell them a goddamn house or a piece of land or whatever they just tell you everything but you know it's really i bought my house through margo uh mike mike palmer may hear a rest oh god yeah he he caught a he caught it he caught the airport shuttle to the b gates if you know what i'm saying oh it was brother patrick well he i was filming a thing i had already come to bisbee a thousand times and i was in love with it and uh so when we were filming

this travel channel pilot uh it was me hitchhiking and then we interviewed the people who pick up hitchhikers it's pretty simple i'd never got picked up but i said they said well you can do it wherever you want so i said how about we do uh the benson to tombstone as one leg and then tombstone to bisbee she gave me a reason to come here and that's where i met judge harold lee oh god he picked me up here. And that's where I met Judge Harold Lee. Oh, God. He picked me up hitchhiking. That's how I met him. Really? Wow. So he and then, of course, we're broke for the day and it's happy hour. And he says, well, come to the Copper Queen. I'm going to meet my friend Mike Palmer and Mike Palmer. And I said, just in passing, I say it's me and

small talk. I don't know any of the people at this table and I said yeah I've been coming here for years I always thought about moving here and he goes oh if you're gonna buy a place you need to talk to Margo there's only one person and dials her number and hands it to me and I was just making small talk hello and then she says oh well what price range are you looking in and I threw out some kind of lowball Her fate was sealed. And then she says, hello? Well, what price range are you looking in? And I threw out some kind of lowball number. I had no idea.

And she goes, oh, the only thing I have is a 212 Van Dyke that's in that price range. And like, shoo. And so the morning, the next morning. We all have a Margo imitation. The crew is sleeping. so I take the van, and I go find this 212 Van Dyke Street, and I just look through the windows, and I took pictures through the windows,

and we were getting, not evicted, but our lease was running out on my L.A. apartment, and I didn't want to live there anymore, but my wife and I couldn't, not her, it was a different lady that didn't last. We couldn't decide on where we were going to move to. I wanted to move to Reno, but she didn't think that was funny, and I still think it's a funny place to live.

It had to be funny. But yeah, so on the way back, I'm like, hey, I just found this place. Why don't we move to Bisbee? We had always kind of written it off because it's too far away from an airport, and I'm like, who gives a fuck if we drive an hour and 45 minutes to an airport? A pleasant drive instead of a horrible drive. 35 minutes to

LAX is way longer than an hour. It's not a fucking goal like LAX. Oh, fuck LAX. I hate it. I never saw the inside of the place. I bought it through her on the telephone. My wife did come out and look at it. It's great. By that time, I was already kind of in a relationship with her.

So when I get here, when I get here, I believe it was the Copper Queen you were sitting at. And I go, oh, is that Margot, the lady about the house? And I ran out and I bought a bottle of champagne in the car and I gave it to you. Thank you for my house. And you're like, what house? I bought two 12-van dykes from you. And she's like, oh, I don't know anything. Yeah, thank you very much.

And you're playing fucking Gnip-a-Gnop or some fucking card game. And drinking tequila. Drinking tequila. Oh, that's what we were. Hotlicks. You used to be at Hotlicks playing something all the time. Canasta or some fucking card game. And drinking tequila. Drinking tequila. Oh, that's what we were. Hotlicks. You used to be at Hotlicks playing something all the time. Canasta or some stupid old people game. What the hell was it?

You rolled dice and... Yeah. I don't know. You rolled dice and it has cards? I can't remember. I don't know. You had a crew. Hotlicks was... That's the first Super Bowl we were in town for.

That was kind of a fun bar. So when was that? What year was that? 2005. 2005. We're at 19 years now. Yeah, wow. Yeah.

Well, I used to have, when you walked up the stairs to the Queen, there was a little office on the left, just a real tiny one, it's still there, and I had my office there. And there was this gal, this is serious, who was a housekeeper, she was fucking gorgeous, and she would sweep the stairs from the bottom up. She's sweeping the stairs. Come on down. And they all come down. There's many things funny about that.

Oh, God. Sweeping from the bottom up. They can come in. Who is it? That one, Gary? Yeah, tell them to come in. You know Christine Levine, Mamou, comedian. She was the old Noah when you see her. Come on in.

She was at the show. She was on the show. Oh, man. Hello. How's it going? Hello. This is Lauren and Margo, of course. Hi, Margo.

Nice to meet you. What is your name? Christine. Christine. Yes, hi. She's funny. She's funny. Oh, of course. Hi, Margo. Nice to meet you. What is your name? Christine. Christine. Yes, hi. She's funny. She's funny. She's a comedian.

She was on that show that you were at a month ago, but you don't remember. Of course I don't. I have Alzheimer's. Oh, that's right. You have dementia, which is... Yeah, dementia. I do. I'm so proud of myself.

Yeah. She's embracing her dementia. But, I mean, first of all, did you get diagnosed? Because I all the time have to fight with, okay, is it just because I'm a drunk generally that I don't remember things? Or at what point would you notice dementia? Well, my mother had it. It's a family tradition.

It's a tradition. It's an honored tradition yes it is yes yeah but so did you notice something because you've been a booze bag your whole you know oh yeah good parts of your life booze on them yeah so how do you notice the okay what's different from all right is this just regular booze day or maybe this is more than... Because I can remember when I'm on booze, but I couldn't with dementia.

Lack of memory. Is your long-term memory better than your short-term memory? Yes. Yeah, because you remember old stuff, right? Right. You asked me what I ate yesterday, and I'm like... Yeah, that's the problem. I have no idea what I ate yesterday and I'm like... Yeah, that's the problem.

I have no idea what I ate yesterday. The difference between what you mentioned and what we're doing. Like, we can't remember what we ate yesterday. I gotta know this because I've been freaking out. I think it progressively gets more... Like, do you just not remember whole days or you go somewhere and you're like, how the fuck did I get here?

Yeah, that's... Is it in the moment? Like if you're at Safeway and you go, wait, I didn't remember going to Safeway. I'm in the produce. Is it like that? You're probably in an early stage. Like it can get to that point.

But depending on... Here's how bad it is. I went to Christina, you know, in Ocot it is i went to christina you know in ocatia she does my hair yeah something about we're safe way she said oh just turn left you can't miss it well i fucking turned right and i drove around and i'm going what i mean that's yeah I just love that you're still driving yeah that's great yeah well I'm sure a lot of people are really amused by that

make a shtick come to mind driving on dementia I will I limit myself from my home in Old Bisbee to Safeway. That's it. I will not drive any further. My dad, when he was getting close to, he was blind in one eye and couldn't see out of the other, I think the song says. And his doctor fudged his prescription because Russell, you know, he just drive to church and back right yeah which was basically from here to good to go yeah but it was still a kind of a major intersection he had to

and they they just because he had the doctor for so many years he's like yeah we'll just get you a provisional driver's license so you can drive horrifically unable to drive to church and back. It's cute. It's cute. Alright, play a commercial. I've got to throw my shit in the dryer. And...

we're back. Who do you trust? Who do I trust? Yeah, like, when you get to a place, because you've lived alone for as long as I've known you, up at the top of the hill. Yeah, Tonette. Tonette.

Totally. She's her friend who, she's a guardian angel. All right. Good, because when you get to a place where, yeah, someone's going to have to look out for you. Oh, yeah, that's what you're talking into. Oh, yeah, you took it off. No, I trust her implicitly, and I trust you.

Yeah. When we first moved here in 2005, you were not at the same house. You had just sold this is fucking classic Margot because she's a real estate magnet. She was the Donald Trump of the Bisbee. Of Bisbee. Of the aughts. And she had sold a house right there.

It's 4th of July. So they have the coaster races. She had sold a house, but on the tacit agreement that I can still come here for the coaster races and have a party on 4th of July. Am I right? Right, right, right. That's when I sold the house. They said, okay, is there anything you haven't told us about? I go, yeah I said everybody comes here for the 4th of July

coaster races because it's just such a great spot yeah it's a perfect front rope they just continue the tradition. They invited people over. Oh, they've continued. Yeah, they've continued the tradition. That orange house that's up has those stairs going up, right? Yeah, right. Yeah. So my ex-wife Renee, when we moved here, we lasted, I think, five weeks.

And then we broke up. It's a long relationship. She moved in literally three weeks. How did you meet? How did you two meet? We met. Vinka a long relationship. How did you two meet? We met, Viggo and I met. How'd you meet?

After a show, we hooked up. Entertainers and an audience member might. But then we kept in vague touch over the couple years and then she came to this party we had in Death Valley and I'm like, oh my god, I remember you, Bingaman. And then we just quickly fell in love, and then I left my wife and get together with her

and then didn't ask a lot of questions. And that's why it's lasted so long. Yeah. But you, then, like, so that was your first legendary party. Then, I don't know, are you still doing Kentucky Derbies? Because that was... Not anymore, boy. They were fabulous.

Jerry Lee, my buddy from Tucson, the old cowboy. Yeah. He came down. His dad used to sell mint juleps at... At the Kentucky Derby? At the Kentucky Derby. And he had a recipe, man. He'd come down there and we drew up

the mint and just do all this stuff it was just great Carolee what a character juleps and hats but we just met someone that from Louisville and it was like hey come out and come and we'll bring you to whatever the track is where they have it. And I'm like, I would never want to go. No, it's the derby place, right? Yeah, but I would rather go any day to your Kentucky Derby party with the cast of characters that you have in a small event. Over the derby itself. And a bunch of douchebags you don't know.

No, no, I want to go to Harvard. Yeah, I'd have the newspaper. We'd all make betting. Yeah. Yeah, that's fun. Everybody clip out. Yeah, yeah. We'd pull a blind draw.

Right, right, right. It was really fun. Well, betting makes it more interesting for sure. No, it's pretty much across the board. Yeah. That's a great time for me to mention DraftKings. We're sponsored by DraftKings. Hey, new customers can spend, if you spend $5, you can win up to $150 in free bonus bets.

Go to DraftKings and use promo code Stanhope. Anyway, back to the discussion. Yes, yes. We were talking about betting. That's an actual sponsor, but they didn't buy in for this week, but I checked them a bone on that one. Yeah, there you go. You don't have any friends older than you. You just said that in the kitchen.

Gladys did so. She's the only one. Yeah. She's got a, Gladys is a 90-year-old name, isn't it? Yeah, no, it's definitely an old person. That woman is amazing. She handles bookings for musicians all over.

She's still working. Yeah, she's still working. She drives all over. Let's get Gladys on the show. I'm planning your show for you already. Gladys is really impressive. I really don't want to be working when I'm 90. I beg your pardon? I really don't want to be working when I'm 90.

I beg your pardon? I really don't want to be working when I'm 90. Wait, she's booking bands? Yeah. Like Glenn Miller? Who the fuck is she booking? Oh, uh... Steve Vai.

What's that Greek guy's name? Her husband is a bass player. He's a bass player. For Steve Vai. Oh, yeah. Yeah. But anyhow, she just amazes me, man. Did you meet her through her work?

Because I know you did Monterey Jazz Festival for years, didn't you? Yeah, I did. I had all the transportation at Monterey Jazz Festival years ago. I met every fucking top. I remember calling up back in the day. I don't know how they do it now. I remember Coltrane when he barely had pubes. I'm just realizing

just how good your impression of Margo is. Yeah. You really nailed it. I remember calling up Disney to ask me and you know, I had all the inside phone numbers for all these people

and I could hear them, you know, yeah, blah blah blah, and you could hear some shit going on in the back. I says, Disney, I said, I need the name of your band members and he goes, you gotta be shitting me, baby. Isn't that funny? That's the only name you needed.

Didn't you know Big Mama Thornton, too? Oh, yeah. Yeah, you knew her. A friend of mine had to introduce me. He says, Margaret, you've got to meet Willie Mae Thornton because she's a big, tall woman, too, you know. So he brings me up there, and I meet her. And she looks at me, because she's a big, tall woman too, you know. So brings me up there and I meet her and she looks at me and she says, Honey, you better get some meat on your bones

or a big gust of wind's going to come and blow your skinny ass away. Yes, Willie Mae. That was something. I was just so honored to be here. Oh, for sure. Yeah, that's a good one. Yeah. I think the advantage, if you were 90 and booking acts,

you would just say, play the I'm 90 party. I'm 90. But, oh, you don't have a weekend available? I'm 90. I'm 90. But, oh, you don't have a weekend available? I'm 90. Oh, your spot opened up. Thank you so much. I have sciatica. Thank you very much.

Yes, you just booked my nephew. He plays a the Jews harp. So who came up with the idea? I love it. Of these diagonal frames. Scott, it's a long story. But bingo accidentally. Oh, it's that thing that's on the kitchen.

If you can get the thing, then I can explain it. Yeah, go get the thing. That's how explain it. Yeah, go get the thing. That's how it started. It's like cartoons. Yeah. Yeah, like cartoons. But it was a complete accident, and then you go, you know what? Let's actually do that with the, she'll show you the thing.

I think some of the greatest inventions in history have been complete accidents. Right. Yeah. Accidents. Accidents. One of the things I learned from Brian Hennigan, my Scotsman, he would read Smartfuck magazine, we'd call it.

I remember we were on tour in the UK. He's a Scotsman, and he gets in the van, and he's reading Intelligent Life magazine. And he'd always drop these. Do you know ants are aware of their own mortality? Yes. And we get to a point where you go, oh, is that something you read in Smartfuck magazine?

I love that stuff. I know. Ants are aware of their own mortality. I forget where that was going now that this came in. But that's crazy. So when you go to the paint store, they give you a thing, and you can put different colors to see.

So Bingo put in the different, the orange, and then she tried to cut these to see what the trim would look like. Right. But she cut them all, like, fucked up, because, and then when we saw them cut all fucked up, we go, let's actually make them all fucked up. And that was the whole house.

That's great. I really like it. Go show that to the cameras. It was totally an accident. You've got four TV sets in here? Five. Five. You have dementia.

You only counted so many before you got here. You get a pass. Yeah. Well, again, this was all set up for football. And as the years went on, I realized I don't really like football. And it was all set up for that. So I want to put kind of a horseshoe bar of some kind in here that's smaller. I mean, those days, the parties were crazy.

Oh, yeah. And now it's, you know, Fred and neighbor Dave, you know, and Floyd, you know, and his colossal... My neighbor Dave or your neighbor Dave? My neighbor Dave. Who's your neighbor Dave? You've got a neighbor Dave. I've got a neighbor Dave. He's a curmudgeon. He's a nice curmudgeon.

He is a lovely curmudgeon. He's one of the best curmudgeons. If you're going to have a curmudgeon as a neighbor, you might as well have Dave. He was a gay interpreter in yeah and well he was when he was when my friend says fabulous wonderful i'm serious he speaks chinese guy something gay chinese yeah i'm sure totally what else would it be?

he's gay the gayest Chinese I'm trying to do if I I can't I'm trying to do Vicky Rooney and

Ava Gardner I never saw it famous for his totally stereotypical Chinese. A gay Chinese. And he was very never get away with it anymore. Yeah, no, that's what I was trying to

I was going to try to do what you couldn't get away with right now and I couldn't do it. I couldn't do a Jake. Can you do gay Chinese scary Lucy? No, no. He works for networks. Don't get him cancelled. We were just talking about

his boyfriend, some young guy. Ah. Some young guy. Some young guy. That's never funny. That's very Chinese. That's almost child friendly. That's very Chinese. That's almost child-friendly. Do you get away with a lot of shit because you're 85?

Oh, sure. Do you just milk the elderly car? Most of the time, I don't even realize I'm getting away with it. An elderly car. Most of the time, I don't even realize I'm getting away with it. Oh, they don't call them chocolate-covered people anymore? Sorry, Phil. I'm 85.

I don't know any better. Oh, my God. You didn't say anything that could get you canceled just now. Oh, I can't get canceled because I don't have anything to take. Yeah, there's nothing to take from me. Right. Yeah, okay. To be canceled, first of all,

you have to care and go, oh, but I'm... You have to be the type to apologize. You have to do what I did with that guy where I'm like, no, no, no. Put your thumb down in my face. Yeah, it's not a real thing. Cancel culture is just not. It's kind of like firemen and cops want to tell you how dangerous their job is

and how they risk their lives. Well, you don't really. Crab fishermen die a lot. D.C. North. Oh, man. Circle K employees die. Oh, yeah, yeah. Ten for every cop that dies, ten people at Circle K. Oh, man. Circle K employees died. Oh, yeah, yeah. Ten for every

cop that dies, ten people at Circle K. Oh, yeah. So, but cops want to fucking make you believe that, and then that's the way comics go, oh, we're under duress and freedom of speech, and I'm a warrior. No, no, you're not. You can pretty much say whatever the fuck you want. Oh, you're gonna get

his press. You know what gets me? They're so vulnerable. Is that the Bisbee police couldn't pass a physical Oh man, they are so obese and so out of shape. And it's just like, come on, you know, if you're going to be a cop, get in fucking shape or, you know, let someone else do it that is in shape. I mean, really. Call the cops over for a welfare

check. Let's get one of them on camera. I honestly have had nothing but good experiences with Bisbee police. I have too. I've never had a problem with them. And fire, because we had a fire.

Oh, yeah. Oh, I know, the firemen. Which house of yours? You just said you had one burned down. Oh, no, that was out in California. Okay. On Coyote Lake, just outside of Gilroy. I left my husband, and he figured if he burnt the house down,

I'd come back to him because of a mutual problem. But what I discovered is that we had the cabin we lived in and then we had an adjoining cabin for our guests, you know, a guest cabin. And after it burnt down, I went over to to the guest cabin i looked and he had kept this portrait of me and he had moved it into the guest cabin and that's when i went you mother fucker yeah see this would be if this was a six series, a limited series on Netflix, that would be the turn in episode four. Yeah.

Where'd I go? Oh, and the picture was in the other cabin. Click next episode. Skip it. That's when I realized I was just like... Limit. I was just stunned. I was stunned.

How many men have you driven to arson? Or murder. I was stunned. How many men have you driven to arson? Or murder. Oh, man. Just one. Really? That's the right answer, Martha. Murder? That I can remember.

That you can remember. That was a good answer. See, bingo's got the mental illness thing going where you go, if we had to have someone killed, you're going to have to take the fall because you go, I was off my meds. So you... I don't remember anything.

Yeah, but now you with dementia... One of my ex-husbands, he flipped out and he was like... Which husband? That was David Walsh. He was a... Suzanne's father? No, no, this is No, but

He was I think a Navy SEAL And he was really bright Wait, hang on, this was a husband of yours? Yeah I've had two husbands, they were both Oh, only two They're the only two stupid enough To propose to me, man

They were manly men He kind of seemed like a... They're the only two stupid enough to propose to me, man. They were manly men. Yeah, they were both very manly men. One was a Billy Mitchell bomber pilot in World War II. Say that five times. That's Stanislaw Miklos Karpinski, but he saves his name to Stan Karp when they came over from Poland or wherever the fuck they were from.

What's the love of your life, the one that, when you finally ever die? The love of my life? My first love. My first love. What's that name? He was killed in a motorcycle accident on April 11th 1957.

And you didn't marry him? No, because he died on me. I'm saying he was your boyfriend. Wow. What was his name? Dexter Shields. It was a great name. Here's to Dexter. He was such a sweetheart. Wow. Hang on. You know what that reminds me of? This commercial break. And we're back.

Yeah. I lived through the accident. He died. He died in my back. Yeah. I lived through the accident and he died. He died in my arms. Oh, shit. That was pretty nasty. Oh, wait. I think you did tell me this story. Yeah.

That's heavy. Oh, I'm sorry. Yeah, no, no. I remember you told me this story the last time. It seemed funnier at the time the first time it's always funny when they die you know yeah it's it's usually funnier yeah yeah he caught a connecting flight through long island yeah connecting flight yeah yeah that was a tough rented a motor scooter in italy it's yeah a euphem for... You had to be here for the... We used to ride at the Hells Angels.

You and Dexter? Yeah. We weren't in the Hells Angels, but we rode with him. Yeah. And he was a quarter-mile racer. He was in charge of transportation logistics. He did quarter-mile racing. Dizzy Gillespie goes...

I'll tell you my band name. Fucking Hells Angels. Get on the back of the bike, bitch. They're transferable skills. Like jockeys, you know. Yeah, he was a good man. Wait, he was a jockey? Did I just miss that?

Because I want to visualize you and your boyfriend being a jockey, riding Margo. Well, actually, I had a lover, Mike. The cowboy with the tats? Yeah.

Tell us the story. He had the best wrangler butt, I'm telling you, man. It was just... The best wrangler butt? You mean in the jeans, wrangler jeans butt? He was a wrangler and he had a nice Wrangler butt. Yeah. I was...

Kathy Wurtz and I shared a place. She'd been gone for the weekend, so Mike had come over. He's about 5'6 or something, you know. And so he's fixing me breakfast and all he's wearing are his red chaps. Oh. Ha ha. Slow. I hope he wasn't cooking bacon. Or a sausage. So Wirtz walks in.

She walks in and sees him with the wrangler button hanging out of his chaps. And she looks at me and she goes, oh, he can cook too. Oh. Isn't that a classic? And she goes, oh, he can cook too. Scandalous. Isn't that a classic?

Yeah. That is just such a classic. He can cook too. Have you had any boyfriend in town that we would know? Like for even a tryst? No. Like a Chris Dunwoody I could imagine you

accidentally fucking him once. Oh, I love Chris Dunwoody. No, we're too much, we're too good friends to do that. Yeah, but I could see you getting drunk and taking advantage of him.

I don't... You can picture that. I can picture that too, but I never did. She imagined. She imagined. She imagined. Yeah. He would never let us.

Dunwoody is just such a beautiful name. And we generally nickname or call people by, everyone calls me Stanhope. No one ever calls me Doug. It's weird when they do. Yeah, Stanhope. And I would go, and he did not like Dunwoody. No. And I go, but it's such a great name.

I want to say Dunwoody. When I see you, I can't wait to say your name. Dunwoody. Yeah. And I go, what if I call you Mr. Dunwoody? And he settled for that. Oh, did he really? If I say Mr. Dunwoody, I get to say Dunwoody.

It almost sounds better with the Mr. in front of it. It does sound better. Well, you'll never see this. One of our favorite pranks, this is the early days of football, so Jimmy G was around a lot. We had a small crew like we have now, and Chris Dunwoody had made an album. He was a single act that would play bars.

You know, hey, Like Whiskey Girl. He'll do the happy hour at the place and the thing. But he put out an album. So we found the catchiest song on the album. We all listened to it before football. He hasn't gotten into football yet.

So we're all listening. We're memorizing the words. And when he gets here, we go, we had it set up. So someone starts humming. And then someone else starts. And then it comes in the lyrics, and it's, lady of the island. Yeah, it was. And then we all start

it's kind of like that scene where they're whistling in the fucking prison movie of World War II. What's that? Yes, that one. But we all break into song and Dunwoody's face is like this is my

song. You guys know my song. I can see him doing that. That's so funny. This is my song. Lady of the Island. I almost remember the lyrics. That's going to be a dozen years ago at least.

He was a mushroom collector too. Mushroom collector? Yeah, he went up north every year and went in and collected shrooms. What kind of shrooms? The ones that you could resell. Oh, like that? He said, yeah. The ones that you could resell? The illegal shrooms, right.

So the cow patty shrooms. Oh, because he would always tell us he was going to a prospect for gold. He did that too. He did that too. He never came back rich. He's such a dear. He is. Two times. Lovely man.

Two times I fucked that guy where I felt bad for football. One time I was very drunk and it's a night game and the Patriots are playing the Broncos and they're losing by 24 points in the third quarter.

The Patriots are losing. And I remember even Steve Drew was here as a Patriots fan and I go, they're going to come back and win this game. Five bucks, anyone. It's the dumbest bet in the world and no one would take it, but Chris Dunwood, he hears five dollars and he goes, oh, that's my rent.

Mr. Dunwoody. Oh, bless his heart. And he goes, oh, I'll take it. The Patriots come back and win in the greatest comeback until the Super Bowl against Atlanta. They're down 25 points in the third quarter. I'm at the bar. Mr. Dunwoody's over here. I go, hey, Chris, want a double or nothing

on that $5 bill? And he goes, and the Patriots came back and won the biggest comeback in fucking Super Bowl history. And I go, I hate to take your money, but I have to. And he autographed it. Don't you have that on your phone? I I have to. And he autographed it.

Don't you have that on your... Oh, the $5 bill? I did have it on my bulletin board. And since the fire, I have not found all that shit. Oh, that's sweet. He autographed the $5 bill. Yeah. And you could see him go,

oh, that was my Cheeto money. I'm a man on a limited budget. He's such a lovely man. Yeah. And he's always got a great tan. Every time I see him now, he tells me what poor health he is in, and I go, yeah, but you look good, so fuck him. Yeah.

He is a handsome man. I don't know him. Chris Dunwoody. Mr. Dunwoody. Mr. Dunwoody. He's a long, white hair, tall. Yeah. Mr. Dunwoody.

He wears Hunter S. Thompson kind of yellow tinted specs. Oh, yes, yes. Do you know Hunter S. Thompson visited Bisbee? No. That doesn't surprise me. Did he really?

Gary Spring, I think, brought him down here. They were from Colorado, and he was, and they were old. Anyhow, he came down here and had quite a good time, oddly enough. Interesting human being right there, Ernest Thompson. So funny. And to think that he committed suicide is just beyond the pale. I think he owed it to the people. I beg your pardon?

I think he owed it to the people. Yeah, nothing like a great way out, huh? First he shot his TV, and then he shot himself. Yeah, and his whole family was there. I always thought, like, there's no other way to tell your family, I hate your guts. Then to blow your friends out in front of them. Yeah and just leave your shit there for you know what I mean and they were I mean they

were in the house like the kid was there and everything and I just thought wow what did they do? There was a big conspiracy theory about it. That is rude. Why are they mad? That's a little rude. That's what I'm saying. I just thought. When we were on tour of 2016

and Roseanne Barr came out and did a couple of our shows with us in Salt Lake and Colorado and she had the greatest bit about. She was reading suicide letters that she wrote where she's blaming

all of her family the only reason I'm dead is because you I can't remember the actual jokes but just the premise of yes I'm going to blame all of my kids I never did care for her I don't know why

I just never was it she had that voice maybe the voice like that. Yeah, I was going to say that. I smelled the voice. Maybe the voice. Maybe that's it.

I don't know. It might be, might be the voice. Who did you like? Who was it? Who was it? Flip Wilson. Oh, yeah. Here comes the good.

Lenny Bruce. Here comes the good. Lenny Bruce. Here comes the good. Lenny Bruce. You understood anything that guy said? He was a guest at my home in Monterey one time. You fucked Lenny Bruce? No, I didn't, but I thought about it. You fucked Lenny Bruce. See, that's the fucking ISO shot we need to fucking sell.

I keep telling the guys, every time we do a podcast, just give me one chunk of something that I can put on social media. That's it. You fucked Lenny Bruce? No, but I thought about it. That's it. That would be great, yeah. Yeah.

Short. He is. That's great. That was really. So he, how do you... Give me the back story. You were selling Dilaudid. What's that? He was addicted to...

Yeah, he was addicted to Dilaudid as well as... Was he? Yeah, that was his drug of choice, but heroin would suffice. Yes. God, you make that fucking cigarette look so good. Stop it. that fucking cigarette look so good.

Stop it. Stop making it look so good. 14 months. Rub it in. Rub it in. I love it. I do that to my dogs when I'm eating something really hot. They're staring at my eye.

Ruling. I do that to my dogs when I'm eating something really good. They're staring at my eye. Mmm. Drooling. You're still having it. You're working with half a lung, right? We'll get back to Lenny Bruce. They cut out a big chunk of your lung. Yeah, they did. Yeah?

Did they give that to you to put under your pillow for the lung? Yeah, I did. That's what I did. I put it they give that to you to put under your pillow for the lung? Yeah, I did. That's what I did. I put it under my pillow and made, you know, wishes and stuff. You got a Susan B. Anthony coin under there when you were a kid? God, I love Anthony Quinn. Anthony Quinn.

Anthony Quinn and Robert. Manly man. Anthony Quinn and Robert Mitchum. Oh, yeah. Manly man. Were my two. That's in your will, Al. You want to be spit-roasted when you're dead.

One in front, one in back, A-framing you, high-fiving over. I'm not going to do that. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I You want to be spit-roasted when you're dead. One in front, one in back. A-framing you. High-five and over mouth and ass. I stole that A-framing. Oh, God.

Brendan Walsh. Anyway, back to Lenny Bruce's. In your Monterey guest house? How did he get there? I always had a party or something, and I don't know, a bunch of us ended up just coming over to my house, and he came with us.

Did you know who he was? Was he famous then? Yeah, well, I just liked him because he had really off-the-wall snarly jokes, and I thought he was really cool. He would, one of his routines I really liked is somebody was saying some shit

and he grabbed a chair and held it up in front of him like... A lion tamer? Yeah. And I thought that was just so smart. I listened to Lenny Bruce He was really bright. I signed with

one of my albums I did years ago Deadbeat Hero I think on the same label as they had just bought his entire collection so they gave me the entire works of Lenny Bruce which is a backpack full of Lenny and I tried to listen to it and

it made no fucking sense yeah that's what I'm talking about right there. Just the jazz parlance. I don't really know what you're saying. I know it's going to get you. My grandmother used to say that. Squeeze the bottle.

That's right. Rosemutter. She wasn't even five foot tall. Who's this? My grandmother, Grossmutter. Grossmutter? Grossmutter. Grossmutter, yeah.

Grossmutter. Yeah, boy. See, they came over in a boat. I beg your pardon? Don't get no jism on the sofa. How many glasses? Do you call me a miserable whore? Yeah. The fuck is that?

Fuck me, you ugly son of a bitch. You ugly son of a... Frank Zappa. Frank Zappa told me all the German I ever needed to know. There you go. Yes, indeed. Yeah, they were coming over, I guess, a boat from Germany or something. And her mother died on the ships of Grossmutter at 12 or something,

ended up having to raise all of her siblings. And, of course, she wasn't allowed to marry for years because she had to be Grossmutter. I have no fucking idea what you're talking about now. This five-foot-tall, your grandmother? Yeah. All right. Yeah.

And she married my grandfather ultimately and he was six foot four. That's where you get it from. Yep. Yep. You're not taking after Grossmutter. No definitely not and you know none of the family took after Grossmutter. My niece you met her. I did. You were so beautiful. You were so wonderful to her I really appreciate you she's a diamond she's a dynamite gal man very she's 510 yeah my sister she's a little shorty in the family yeah how tall are you, Alex? Six-four. All right, six-four. So Alex can give you a good Roger-ing for my birthday. For his birthday, Alex is going to give you a good Roger-ing.

It is today, so you've got to get on with it. I love you, little gal. You know that. You were so great. She ate that tall laying down. She was so beautiful, and we had a brilliant time. It was so fun. Chanda. Her name is Chanda, and she's just amazing.

Very bright. Very bright. Has a real dry, dry sense of humor. Yes, she did. Oh, thank God dry dry sense of humor oh thank god you said sense of humor it was fun how did you end up

connecting with her anyhow that sense of humor is underrated yeah you guys were just like instant karma like you'd known each other like you'd been a grandfather or something. I mean, it was, I've met people like that. Look, I've known them forever.

They're in your soul family. Yeah. Yeah. There you go. Is that S-O-U or S-O-L? When did you think you were going to die? When did I think I was going to die? Yeah, because I've been thinking...

The first time was in the motorcycle accident. The first... Okay, but what was an age that you thought was unreachable? Because you are reaching ages what everyone else thought was unreachable for you, if that makes sense. It makes perfect sense. And I've been thinking I'm going to die since 33.

Yeah, I'm not living to 40. I'm not living to 35. I like the number 69. Well, of course you do. Gary Wilson had a joke. He said, remember when you were 18 and you thought, I'm going to live forever. And then you hit 25 and you go, I'm going to be dead by the time I'm 30. And then you hit 30 and you go, wow,

I should have had sex with my aunt when I had the chance. Of course, now she's all icky. Oh my God. But I am like, I would remember neighbor Dave, our neighbor Dave.

He's a rotund fella, and he just gets bigger as the years go by. And when we first met him, he would live right next door to us at the time. And he was like our first friend that we met. They'd come over for happy hour beer. And he's just a regular Joe lunch bucket, delivers Frito-Lay chips, and gets up at 4 a.m. and works till 5 p.m. And he would talk about, yeah, when I retire, like when I hit 65,

I'm like, you really think you're going to live to 65? I've never said it out loud, but like the hubris of you're like 350 pounds. You get up at 4 in the morning and eat potato chips for breakfast. And you just sit and drive and you're barely ambulatory. You've got sores on your legs. He's still alive. He's like 70 now, but he's not. What's his last name?

Shock. You've met him, I'm sure. It's shocking how long he's lived. Yeah, and we've known him. He's been here every time you've been here, probably. He doesn't get out of his house much anymore. But the point is, he has high hopes. He's got high hopes.

He's got high in the sky high hopes but he's going to be dead any minute is my point and he doesn't now he's kind of aware of it but back then I'm like why would you even say oh one day when I turn this age and then I can go retire

and no you're going to be dead so you just keep fucking living and our fans as i said you are in the top three of where are they now can't you get them back on the podcast so thank you i only i don't ever celebrate birthdays but this time i go if there's one thing i want it's margo back on the podcast and i never want to ask because I didn't want to put you out ever. Thank you for being back. Where are they now?

Still fucking kicking it. While you kids... Cheers. Here's a kicking ass, man. Yeah. Yeah. Cheers. I'm going in.

Margo. Yeah. Woo-hoo. You're awesome. Here's to the ass kickers of our lives. Here's to the ass kickers of our lives. I'm very happy. Let's just fucking wrap this up and go eat that cheesecake.

Yeah. That raspberry sauce. Ooh. Actually, we could just stop doing it, and then it's my birthday. They'll bring us cheesecake with raspberry sauce. We don't have to do a thing except Big O take us out live. Kidding. Go right up to the camera. Do it like this. Do it like this and it gets speed up. Okay, bye-bye now. Isn't that cool? Isn't that cool?

All right. Thank you so much for coming on. Oh, thank you so much for inviting me. Can I show you what Gary made you do? Yeah, yeah. This is like a custom bespoke thing to ruin the value of the... Keep hoarding.