The Doug Stanhope Podcast - #549 - "Reverse Telemarketing"

Episode Date: April 24, 2024

Doug keeps his word, and in an act of reverse telemarketing, calls everyone who bought a copy of his book on his birthday. Recorded April 6th, 2023 at the Funhouse in Bisbee, AZ Thank You Patreon Subscribers. We could not do this without your ongoing support. Not a member? Support the podcast at www.patreon.com/stanhopepodcast  Signed copies of "No Encore for the Donkey" available while supplies last at Stanhope Store - http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/  We have no idea what the future holds so get on the Mailing List at https://www.dougstanhope.com/. When we know, we'll let you know.Support the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

Everyone who bought a book on my birthday, I will be making phone calls on Saturday. So that's where most people will be home. Hopefully, it's going to be a blocked number. So if you don't answer it, I'll just leave a message and fuck you. I'm not going to say it. What's a good time to reach you? So either... But I'll be calling all those people on Saturday. One of my funny ideas is I think I want to start a telemarketing department

and get back to my roots. Yeah. Start reaching out to people. And I have a lot of great ideas and a goddamn, I have a trophy. Do I have to bring it out again? Oh, boy. Depends. Here we go. I'm a trophy. Uh-huh. Do I have to bring it out again? Oh, boy. Oh. The pen says...

Here we go. I'm so revival. Yeah. I got these. Hello? Bobby Doty? Uh, close, but... Robert W. Doty?

Doug Stanhope's book, No Encore for the Donkey. Yes. Yes, this is Doug Stanhope, and I promised you a phone call if you bought my book. Oh, wow. I guess I overlooked that. See, this is bullshit, because that was the only people who bought it on my birthday. This guy bought it on fucking March 27th. Hang on.

Well, I mean, it was accidentally on purpose, I guess. No, that's fine. I was drunk on my birthday on the 25th and I said, anyone who buys my book today,

I will call and reverse telemarket you after the fact. But they're giving me bad leads. These are not the Glenn Gary, Glenn Ross leads. These are fucking two days late. I need some coffee.

But I appreciate you, Robert Doty. I played Greeley, Colorado, in some basement comedy club that no longer exists. Were you at the show? I was not, but I think you talked about it on the podcast a while ago. Yeah, it was 2016, I remember, because that was, wait, no, that was earlier than that, because that was the first Chad Shank tour. He was on tour with us. Bingo's here, too.

Hi. Yeah, I can hear Bingo, yeah. That's awesome. Well, we appreciate your business. Andy Andrus, this should be up. You should get Andy to join us for this. Anyway, thanks, Robert. Eventually I'll write an act and we'll

probably be coming through on the Mountain Time Zone tour as we always do, as you might have read about in the book, No Encore for the Donkey, which is actually... I plan on starting it today. I mean, I've had it for a little while, just haven't opened it yet. I mean, sadly.

Well, you'll see why we always play the Mountain Time Zone and shitty towns like yours when I'm working out a new act. All right, I'm going to call Chris Putz back. He was my first call, but he didn't answer because of the block numbers. So we're going to give him one more try. Hey, thanks for taking the time, and thanks for buying the book. Yeah, hey, thank you. I appreciate it.

All right, bye now. Yeah, hey, thank you. I appreciate it. All right, bye now. Yeah, bye. All right. Just wait. Just spoke to. Spoke to. Hello? Hey, is this Chris Putz again?

Yeah. Can't believe it's actually Douglas. Yay! And bingo. Hi! Amber Chaley laughing in the background, too. No. She's calling me because of my last name.

Oh, wait. We didn't notice that your last name was anything out of the ordinary. Is putts something that could be made fun of? Are there little puttses around? I know I left a word for the Mrs. Putts, but I didn't know if you had little putzes in the... Are they little putzes? Just a dog.

All right. What's dog putzes mean? You don't need to hear the pitter-pat of little putzes on a Saturday morning when you hung over? No. No, definitely not. You don't want me at breeding stock. All right. Well, you know what?

You didn't even, you're not even supposed to be on this goddamn list, Chris Putz. Because it wasn't the 25th? Yeah. On my birthday, I drunkenly tweeted, anyone who buys my book today, I will call you and reverse telemarket you. But you bought this on the 28th, three days later, so they're giving me bad leads here, but it's always a pleasure to talk to

a fucking strong putz. I appreciate it. Thanks for writing such good books. And being the best comic around. Thank you very much. Perhaps just for you, we'll book Chico, California. And we'll have a putzapalooza. A putzapalooza.

All right, we're going to move on. We love you. Smile and dial. Bye, sweetie. All right, bye, bingo. Bye. I think an edible would actually make these more fun hello

Rosalind this is Doug Stanhope and bingo hello really Doug Stanhope yes this is Doug and bingo you bought my book on my birthday and I said anyone who bought my book on my birthday would get a telemarketing call. What are you selling me now?

Well, yeah, we want to try to up – I've got Venmo in case we could figure out how to upsell you. Do you get Bingo's book yet? Not yet. I need it. Can I buy a copy from you? You know what? I don't even know what we have for sale at my own store. But I know you can get them at bulk.

I'm sure if the 99-cent store hadn't gone out of business, they'd probably be in the market for bingo's books. You would never market properly. Where is White Rock, Rosalyn? It's near Los Alamos in northern New Mexico. Oh, okay. Yes. Don't worry.

It's far enough from Albuquerque, but everybody in New... I'm just another ugly New Mexican. Yeah, no, they are. I guess you've heard me say that. I heard you say that, yeah. I was only offended because you didn't actually even try to make it funny. Yeah, nothing funny about it. But it's odd that it wasn't until I grew up and left New England

before I realized how ugly the people in New England are, specifically the women. how ugly the people in New England are. Specifically the women. They look like that. I'm actually from Silver City, which I think you know about because you guys have stayed up in Pino Saltos. Yep, up in the Bear Creek cabins.

That's right. Yeah, yeah. Up in Pino Saltos. Yes. Yes. Yeah, Pino Saltos is great. Silver City, not so much. But you have the 520, so you must have been a Tucsonite.

That's right, I was. I lived in Tucson from 03 to 09 when I was going to school at the U of A. And that's where I learned about Nowhere Man and Whiskey Girl. And I used to follow them closely because they were amazing. And then it was actually through their tragic ending that I discovered you. Oh, wow. Have you been following the kid on American Idol? I have, and I'm so amazed and blown away by her talent.

I just started crying immediately when I first saw her on uh on american every single time i see that even when they recap it i've cried to that one clip at least six times yep me too yeah she's incredible and yeah just it's unc. The sound and the way she looks and everything is just amazing. Well, I appreciate you taking a minute to say hello. And as soon as I get off my ass and write a new act, we will be coming through somewhere in New Mexico, I'm sure. Okay, please do. It's been a while, and I'm starting to feel neglected.

So I would appreciate it. All right, we love you very much. Thanks to feel neglected. But I would appreciate it. All right. We love you very much. Thanks for the call. Thank you for the call. Love you all. See you later. Bye-bye.

That was cool. Okay. How long do you think? Oh, wait. Where's the edibles? Oh, I don't know where any of you. Oh. I can grab some of them.

No. You know where they are. Go grab some. Me? Yeah, in I can grab something down. No. You know where they are. Go grab some. Me? Yeah, in the desk drawer. Yeah, no, I know. Do you grab the whole thing? Yeah, just grab a tin.

I got it, babe. Grab a tin that's open. Yeah, I got it. I won't call anyone without you. Okay. I lied to her. I'm calling. Hello.

Kevin. Who's that? Stanhope. Huh? It's Doug Stanhope. Yes. Doug Stanhope? Yeah, you bought my book, so I called to say thanks.

Oh, my man. Hell yes. Dude, thank you for writing that. Thank you. I don't know if, did you actually see the tweet where i said i would telemarket anyone who bought this book on my birthday or is this you're trying to upsell me something else no no i don't i i but i got venmo in case i could upsell anyone but then i forgot to look at what products we have so i don't really know what to sell anyone so i'm just making i'm

making good on my word and i'm calling everyone what are you doing on your Saturday oh wow so did it work So you're still sober? Yeah, I'm still sober. It's been like a year and something. Oh, okay. I didn't know if it was your first try at it. It's my first try. I don't actually know it's not. It's my first time doing AA and that shit. It's going all right.

All right. Well, if you ever feel like you're going to go off the wagon and you want to talk to someone, a sponsor that will help you back into the fold. Think of me as your other sponsor. You have your AA sponsor. And then if you're going to go to the dark side, I'll,

I'll, I'll hold your hand. There's no one. I would trust more for that than you. I love you very much. Sure. I got a stack of papers here to fulfill my promises. I love you, and I'll see you next time in L.A.

Okay, what's next? Clinton. Clinton Virgil? Wait, Clinton Viril. Okay, let's go. Whoa, no, no, relax. I'm itching my scalp. That is so gross. I mean, so gross. I itching my scalp. That is so gross.

I mean, so gross. I mean, come on. That is so gross. Hello? Is there someone there? Hello? Hello? It's Stan Hope.

Hello? Hey. It's a butt dial. Yeah, it is Stan Hope. You bought my book. Hi, Stan Hope. You bought my book on my birthday, so I said I'd call and thank you. Hey, I used to work at Go Bananas, and you were the nicest person to me,

so I really appreciate this call. Oh, thanks. I was going to say that I was from Go Bananas. When I saw your 513 area code, I go, oh, I don't know where Evanston is, but I know that your 513, you've got to know Sneaky Pete's and Go Bananas. Yes. Yeah, I was going to say, if you were going to try it, you've got to pretend to be Marty, though.

And that's a hard one to fucking do. Wow. Whoa, your head. You lost my hair hat. Oh, so, yeah, well, your head. You lost my hair hat. Oh, so, yeah, well, you worked. How long ago did you work at Go Bananas? I worked there during when you came through and you were writing your special. Which special?

Oh, okay. Was I there? No. Yeah, you were there, Bingo. Okay. Oh, yeah, yeah. I can tell. some acid and that was my fault I was supposed to make sure okay I took acid. I had to take acid. Okay, I know exactly who you are, motherfucker. That was so fun.

Oh, my God. I was supposed to make sure you didn't leave the green room and you left and you took acid and I was like,

well, I'm sorry. It's over after this. I'm sorry. You had that weekend, Doug, you had that weekend you had Grant Stiles who did the announcement

so fast you couldn't even hear what he was saying. Like he purposely ran through the God Mike announcement so fucking fast you had no idea what he was saying. I think you gave him like a bottle of vodka. You probably don't remember. But we all had a great weekend when you came through. You killed per usual. And you were super nice to us. It's still my favorite comedy club in

the States. And I will be back. Why did they fire you? Oh, I just left. After the pandemic, I moved to Chicago. Oh, okay. Evanston, Illinois. Okay, sorry. Yeah, so you're not even in

Ohio. Alright, I kind of glossed over that. No, yeah. During the pandemic, they. Okay, sorry. Yeah, so you're not even in Ohio. All right, I kind of glossed over that. No, yeah. I just saw the 513. During the pandemic, they did that remodel. All right, yeah, they fucking lied and said they were going out of business and made me all upset, and I think I cried. Yeah, I mean, Marty's never going to fucking let go of that place. I mean, as long as his dad is writing him checks,

that place is going to fucking be. It's going to exist. He's been there too fucking long. He ain't going to let it go. Yeah, you're right. I'll be back. Anyway, I'll see you out there on the road somewhere. I'm going to clap for the rest of these. We love you. Alright, thank you guys so much. It's very kind. You have a great day.

You too. Bye, sweetie. Alright, bye. Okay, who we got next? Travis Eklings. Bye, sweetie. Bye. All right, bye. Okay, who we got next? Boom, boom, boom. Travis Eklings. Hello? Hey, Stanhope. And Bingo.

It's Doug Stanhope and Bingo. What? It's Doug Stanhope and Bingo. Let me handle that. Oh, sorry. Okay, bye. Hold on one second. Hi, say that again? Is this Travis?

Yeah. Yeah, it's Doug Stanhope, the author. You bought my book on my birthday. Oh, hey. What's up, Doug? Are you at work? I'm at the CMT Awards in Austin. Yeah, working.

I'll let you go back to work. I just promised anyone who bought my book on my birthday that I'd call and say thank you. So I'm a man of my word. That's fucking awesome, man. I really appreciate it. That's really cool. What thing are you working on?

The CMT Awards. Ah, great. Did you meet anyone famous that you don't know? Uh, there's a few people, uh, you know,

I met Trace Atkins came to my show in Atlanta and I go, they go, yeah,

he's really famous. And I went, oh, I met a famous person then. Oh,

great. Yeah. I even had him come in the green room. I had no idea who he was, but I was so

happy he was famous. I met, uh who he was, but I was so happy he was famous. I met Jelly Roll yesterday. That's about it. Does he have tattoos on his face? Yeah, he's huge. Yeah, okay. He had something to do with the mothership, some kind of show thing.

Yeah, I just went and saw ian edwards there he was fucking he crushed excellent are you so you're just out there to work this thing or are you one of the people that moved out there in the great gold rush no i'm just i work for the scenery i do lighting for the scenery company and so i um i'm out here just basically putting all that shit in. I go back Monday. That's true. Well, enjoy the Sky Club on your way back, because I'm sure you're catching a nonstop with our friends at Delta. Yeah, I am.

I'm all Delta, all the way. All right. Well, here's looking at you, kid. Hey, thanks, man. You and David Teller are both my number one he's my next call I'll tell him you said that alright cool man

thanks buddy I'm gonna go eat some soup yeah alright ok move right now here let me just get it started. Please hold. What are you doing? I'm getting your soup started for you.

No, no, don't do that. Do your thing. I don't want to be a bother. No, you're not a bother. I don't want to be a bother. Alright, who's next? No, you. Yeah, fuck him. We'll get him.

Smile and dial. You making friends or you making money? What are we doing here today? Hi. Thank you for calling MadPollant Agency. All of our agents are currently busy. Please leave your contact information and purpose of call in a voicemail. Thanks again for reaching out to MadPollant Agency.

Have a fun, fantastic day. Hey, it's Doug Stanoff. I'm sure all your agents are too busy to accept my call right now. But you did buy my book on my birthday. And as promised, I'm calling to say thank you. And I was going to try to upsell you. But since now I know that you're some kind of mad talent agency, hey, maybe we could work a deal. I need some top-level talent agent to guide my career.

Why else would I be sitting around fucking calling random people on a Saturday? It's because I have shitty fucking management. Alright, you reach out to me through Reddit, on the subreddit, the Doug Stanoff subreddit, and you make sure to tell him I'm a man of my word and I make my phone calls.

Alright, play a commercial. I gotta throw my shit in the dryer and we're back if you feel uh if you feel a spirit and you can in the bingo seat while she's having her soup. And by feeling the spirit, I mean that edible. Oh, my God. I want this guy to answer his phone so bad. Steve? Hello? Hey, Steve. Yeah.

It's Doug Stanhope. Hi. Thanks for buying my book on my birthday. Absolutely. Oh, my. Where the hell? First of all, because we I don't want, you know, because we are recording this. So I don't want to. But, yeah.

Where is Dalton Gardens? It's north of Coeur d'Alene, Idaho, kind of near Spokane, Washington. So it's even more racist than Coeur d'Alene? Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. Are you hanging out with Owen Benjamin right now? No, I'm not hanging out with them. I actually live in Spokane,

but the private mailbox I had the book sent to is just one I've had forever. Oh, yeah. I grew up in Haiti. Okay, I was going to say, well, the address that this book went to sounds like the most depressing place can can i say it out loud because it's just a mailbox i won't say the number but it's a government way number 25 yeah it is depressing as shit you you are not wrong it

sounds like there's a lot of shipping containers there you are not wrong it sounds like there's a lot of shipping containers there shipping containers and bullshit cops alright well Bingo sends her love she had to go make soup during my telemarketing adventures

but she was my sidekick Andy Andrist is here so he'll take us out in a classic Bingo fashion I love you bye bye no it's okay bye bye now he'll take us out in a classic bingo fashion. Awesome. I love you, bye-bye. No, it's okay, bye-bye now. Jesus Christ.

Hey, thanks for buying my book, Stephen, seriously. Absolutely. And hey, thank you for the call. I'm more, like, super surprised and honored. Thank you. Oh, yeah, make sure you let those bastards on Reddit know that I'm a man of my word. Hey, I will do. Thank you. Oh, yeah. Make sure you let those bastards on Reddit know that I'm a man of my word.

I will do. I make the phone calls that make the whole world answer. All right. Bye. Let's get back to Ewald. What you want to do is when you get them on the phone, you want to make them feel at ease, feel comfortable. Hello? Hey, Christian Ewald.

It's Doug Stanhope, and it's a wonderful sunny day here in Arizona. How is it there in East Hampton? It's good. See Andy? See how I made him feel at home? Sorry, I'm training Andy Andrus in telemarketing because we're failed comics. Yeah, you look very sharp in that. Never mind.

Yeah, you can't see him. You don't say that. So what are you doing with your Saturday, Christian? Are you reading the No Encore for the Donkey? No, no. I'm actually at my grandfather's house. I just dropped him off some lamb. Some lamb?

Yeah, I just tried cooking some lamb for the first time, and he's a big fan. No kidding. That's what I'm doing this Saturday. Well, you're spreading good cheer. Everybody loves lambs. Yeah, it wasn't too bad. A little gamey for my taste, but, you know. Did you kill it yourself?

Yeah, yeah, I cooked it up. No, but did you murder it? I mean, hunt it up no but did you murder it i mean hunt it no no did you set a trap no i uh no i've always i've always felt a little weird about lamb given it's a little sheep but it was it wasn't too bad yeah but they don't seem to have any kind of joie de vivre any kind of will to live. They looked a little suicidally. They're an emo animal, I believe. I appreciate you buying my book, and sorry it took me a week or two to get around to making those phone calls

I promised to make. Well, I didn't know about the phone calls, to be honest with you, but I really appreciate it here. Well, I said't know about the phone calls, to be honest with you, but I really appreciate it here. Well, I said anyone who bought my book on my birthday, I tweeted it. I was drunk and high and having a birthday, you know. And I said anyone who buys my book today, I will telemarket you after the fact. Leave a number.

But what I didn't know is all the orders have a phone number on them, so a lot of people didn't know I was calling. We noticed you've only ordered one unit and they make a great gift idea of you. Can we interest you in a couple more books? You're right. I probably should order another one for my father.

You're right. You should probably get back on that website and get Deadbeat Hero is having its 20th anniversary. It's a CD and DVD both obsolete in the same package. And you can pick that up. That's $5.99. They have

that on sale for. That should be... What's our fucking price point on that? I think you're giving them away. I don't know. We need a John Taffer of websites if I can work my merch order. So what's the rest of your day? Now that you poisoned your grandfather,

are you going to go out and cause any other Saturday destruction? No, probably just going home and doing some chores. It's my day off, so. Yeah. Day off from what? I don't usually do crowd rap, Christian, but hey, what do you do?

I work at a lumber company here in East Hampton. Yeah, that was a. He said everybody in your town was wealthy and they should upsell units. Yeah, sounded rich. Oh, no. Do you own? You might not be wrong, but I rent a kind of run-down house from my grandfather. So I'm not one of the wealthy ones.

All right. Well, don't worry about those second units then. Yeah, no. Wait, no. Never let them off the hook. If you're renting from grandpa, that means grandpa's a real estate magnate. And eventually, you drop off enough lamb, he's going to remember you first in the will. I see what you're doing.

Smart move, Christian. I don't want to play chess against you. We're going to have to let you go because you might have the day off, but I have to smile and dial to keep the fucking money coming in. We love you, and we'll see you next time we play the New England area, hopefully around the foliage. Well, I really appreciate it, and you're my favorite comedian. Oh, great.

Well, tell them on Reddit. I love you. Bye. Oh, shit. Ah, fuck. I fucked up. Wait. Hello?

Oh, it is Michael. Okay, good. I don't know if you got my message that quick it's doug stanhope yeah i can recognize your voice what's going on now that we uh just called we have a some great opportunities uh for you in the um you know what bitcoin is imagine if bitcoin was just you sending me money. That simple. What are you doing today? I'm just fucking with you.

Just fucking around. Just watching some TV with my girl. I was going to start your book soon. I read your other two before. All right. Well, this is the best one, according to me. You know, actually, me and my girl, we saw you when you came to Funny Bones in Hartford about a year and a half ago.

Oh, day drinking. Day drinking show. Yeah. Yeah, that was. Yeah, it was. Sorry, go ahead. No, no, I was going to say that was that that was the show where I go. I think I only want to do day drinking shows from now on.

Yeah. That was so much fun. Yeah, that was a blast, dude. I hope you come out this way again soon. Yeah, I got to stop writing books and start writing an act. What are you doing right now? Oh, shit. Oh, see, this is OK.

Here's what happened. I tweeted. I was nice and drunk and high on my birthday, and I said, anyone who buys my book today, I tweeted, I'll telemarket you after the fact and call you, leave your phone number. And now I just look down and, yeah, you didn't buy this on my birthday, so you have no idea why I'm calling you. Exactly, yeah, but I'm happy to hear from you either way.

It makes it funnier still. I'm glad you picked up the phone. Go home, team. I kind of had to jump off the Patriots bandwagon there. That got old. Hartford Whalers. Yeah, no, I get that. You haven't lived this way

in a long ass time, so. No, but we did, we did road trip out there. Kreischer played at the old

Worcester Centrum in December, I think it was, and me and the Australian. Yeah, the U-Tenor. Yeah, yeah,

yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, me and Bingo and the Australian, we go, hey,

let's go see Bert Kreischer in my hometown and go, hey, let's go see Bert Kreischer in my hometown. And I got him to let me go up and I went up to open the show and said I was the mayor of Worcester and nobody fucking has any idea who the mayor of Worcester is. So they believed it. What is that?

That'll be on my Patreon coming up very soon. So I hope you're a Patreon member. If not, get on Patreon. All right. We'll be reconnoitering that whole fucking thing and shaking down and putting out actual fucking content. So you tell your girl that if she was there, we'd hit on her in a second. your girl that if she was there uh we'd hit on her in a second if you get up to get a beer we would not find have any compunction against trying to get her to pair off in a closet with us

well dude you know your your biographer came up to her as soon as we were in line because she was probably dealing with black chicks there and she took down her uh her information said she was gonna call her but she never did well she still calls us and she's been working on that book since 2002 oh that's fucking hilarious we just talked to her yesterday uh all right that's cool that you remember that that's right we had just uh had just climbed the highest peak in Connecticut. Yes, yes, yes. Yeah, that hurt a lot. Alright, we got to go move on

and grind out these last few calls. Yeah, well, thanks for calling me, Doug. Pleasure talking to you. Alright, find me on the Reddits. Bye. Alright. This is a fucking Canadian number. that's not gonna work or maybe it will work hey mike it's doug stanhope what the fuck this is a canadian number this is costing me money how's it going man that's fantastic it's always a beautiful day when you can thank fans for buying your book.

On my birthday, you bought my book, and I promised phone calls to anyone who bought it on my birthday. And you answered the phone, and now I realize, fucking every second I talk to you is costing me money. Well, we'll keep it brief then. But, wow, I sure do appreciate the call. I'm super stoked for the book here. I have your others, too.

I've got one of them signed, and the other one I'll have to bring next time you're in Canada here. Yeah, where is Peace River? What is that near? Calgary? Usually I come see you in Edmonton or Calgary. It's about five hours north from Edmonton. Okay, yeah, now Edmonton's definitely worse than Calgary. And I like the flames better than the oilers.

But, yeah. Wait, what's that place I was going to fly to? Flair Airlines flew a non-stop to what's way up? Don't leave. Bingo's here. It's really bad. I'm sorry. Oh, yeah.

Well, that's not until 3 o'clock. It's only... They only open at 2. I I know but they told us 3 But go ahead They did tell us to wait until 3 Mike Reynolds Buy Twisty Cakes Sorry that was bingo

She's having a med crisis Yeah he's still in Canada Fort something What's the place up north Fort Fort McMurray Fort Fort McMurray? Yeah, Fort McMurray. And I was

going to fly up there just because there was like $90 flights from Tucson, non-stop. But Flair Airlines is like fucking garbage spirit frontier kind of shit. And then I tweeted like, what's up there?

And they're like, nothing but oil workers and fucking beating up ugly prostitutes. Yeah. That's pretty much it, man. That's what we do. Is that what you do? I can't even get into your country because I got a Dewey. Oh, that's Andy Andrist with me.

Oh, excellent. Andy Andrist with me. Oh, excellent. That's awesome. Actually, I just bought a couple of your posters, autographed posters from the Tiki guy there for some kind of fundraiser. Oh, how nice. Thank you, sir. Good, because he brought a bunch of them down. Oh, yeah, that's awesome.

He brought a bunch of them down here and hasn't moved any product. So thank you for doing what he can't do. Oh, man. Yeah, no, I was actually trying to get that Tiki guy to do a logo for my marijuana farm there. Oh, marijuana farm. You've got a fucking good racket going.

No, it's just I'm losing money, but hey, you know, teenage Mike can be pretty proud of me. Actually, I gave you an edible on stage in Calgary. I'll give you a 100 milligram one, and you had just a little nibble of it there. Yeah, last time you were around. Oh, wow.

I got to hang out with you at the bar a little bit after, so that's pretty fucking cool. Well, I appreciate it. It was good to talk to you again, Mr. Reynolds. I guess I pound out some more of these phone calls, but you let them know. When I say I'm going to call I fucking call alright well cheers guys

and you take care I'll see you again next time you're up in the great white north absolutely oh here's another one he's saying build two separate from his ship two well we'll find out the truth about this fella. And while we have you on the phone, are there any other purchases you'd like to make?

I think I missed a fucking number there. I just can tell right away that's not the right amount of. Yeah, I missed the area code part. That's important. You know what? Kids, if you're going to smile and dial, it's always important to hit your area codes. They go before the number. They go before the prefix and the last four. Country code, not a problem.

Hey, Jared. Oh, shit. I thought I heard. Hello. Hello. Hey, I heard Oh, shit. I thought I heard. Hello. Hello. Hey, I heard it this time. Jared, we're with the Focus on the Family group here in Colorado. My name is Doug Stano.

My friend Andy Andrist and I are reaching out because it seems like you've been purchasing pornographic novels over the Internet as well as shot glasses. Is that so yeah and why do you have a like why is your bill to address in highlands ranch and fort collins what do you get to hide are you seeing some do you have a side piece well i think that's that's my business. Well, yeah, but now that I have the last four of your credit card, I think we should either make friends or make enemies. Hi, how are you? Let's start over. This is Doug Stanhope and Andy Andrus, and we're calling to say, oh, shit, he's another guy who doesn't know I'm calling. Sorry, Jared, I tweeted out when I was drunk on my birthday calling to say oh shit he's another guy who doesn't know i'm calling sorry jared i said i

tweeted out when i was drunk on my birthday that i was gonna call uh personally call anyone who bought my book on my birthday but that was the 25th you bought it on the 24th and they're giving me fucking bullshit leads here oh look at that yeah fucking these are supposed to be the glenn gary glenn ross leads and what do i get another fucking patel basically for all intents and oh look at that yeah fucking these are supposed to be the glengarry glenross leads and what do i get another fucking patel basically for all intents and

purposes jared has no idea i'm calling i don't owe him this i think jared's just as afraid of me as i'm afraid of him

that's for sure but do you go to that comedy club in fort collins it's fucking great it's tiny but it's great i haven't been yet i've been needed to all right well what are you doing on your saturday Would you go to that comedy club in Fort Collins? It's fucking great. It's tiny, but it's great. I haven't been yet.

I've been needed to. All right. Well, what are you doing on your Saturday? Sitting down, eating some lunch, drinking some tea. All right. I can tell that this is an off-putting phone call, so I'll leave you be. But I appreciate your business and enjoy the book.

Anytime, I will. Thank you for the call. All right. I'm against all the Colorado teams. Usually I say, hey, go when I put in your team, but they bore me, all of the fucking Colorado teams. Fuck them. All right.

My sister-in-law lives there for a limited time only you want me to hook you up she's dating this giant sasquatch but she's moving to denver so you might be able to pork her one different area goes all right i should just let this go okay bye now i think it was almost like he was gonna get mad mad. Focus on the family would tease me off. Yeah, that's a Colorado focus on the family is a huge evangelical, but specific to them. Okay. Hang on. You know what that reminds me of?

This commercial break. And we're back. Here's the Manitoba guy with the North Dakota address. The human trap. Did I already say this on the message? No. There you are, Eric. Are you all right now?

Yeah, I'm good. How's it going? Good. Listen, first of all, Eric. Are you all right now? Yeah, I'm good. How's it going? Good. Listen, first of all, Andy Andrist is with me. Okay. So you can maybe lie to me, but he's a human bullshit detector. What's going on with the Manitoba and the North Dakota? Are you running kids through there like a pipeline?

No. He answered that. Yeah, it's the thing I use to ship car parts all the time. You said what? It's the thing I use to ship car parts all the time. Oh, car parts. Yeah, because there's a, you know, Starbuck Manitoba and Pembina, North Dakota are huge hubs for, when I want to buy a car,

I don't wait for just any push, pull, or drag it and blow out sale. I say, what's hot in Pembina? It's that cars for kids thing. They ship the cars. 800 cars for kids. There's kids in the trunk already. Oh, boy.

If your wife or your side piece were pregnant as you're crossing the border and you can you had to pick which side she was going to drop anchor because that means you have to live on one side of the border forever you can never come back right which side of the border do you punch her in the belly you have 10 seconds on the clock okay how about this you have have twins. Go ahead, answer. Twins? Okay. Go with your answer. I just interrupted.

Then I'll do my twins question. Yeah. It's got to be the Canadian side just because of the cost. It costs like fucking $100,000 to have a baby in the States. Oh, yeah. No, I didn't say we're going to keep the baby after you had it. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I guess that should have been one of the States. Oh, yeah. No, I didn't say we're going to keep the baby after you had it. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

I guess that should have been one of the questions. The baby's just going to get you in the country. Yeah, I guess if we're not, if we're just wrapping it up in garbage and leaving it there, then we don't have to worry about it.

I like how you added that extra touch of wrapping it up in garbage. As a truth expert, I had trouble raising it early, but I believe that. Doug, I got to say, do you remember you did a show in Winnipeg a while back where you worked in a joke about some fucking lady who had put like seven fetuses all fucking together in a storage locker? You remember that?

No, I always remember the bus incident in Winnipeg where the guy beheaded the fellow traveler on the bus and now that guy walks amongst us as a... You know what's fucking wild? I went to high school with that guy. The guy that cut his head cut off.

The victim? Yeah. Wow. Did you hate him? Yeah. His mom was our bus driver, and I just saw his brother the other day. Yeah. That was fucking weird.

Wait, his mom was a bus driver? A bus driver. Not a Greyhound bus driver. Yeah, but a school bus driver, and he ended up getting killed on a bus. On a Greyhound. Yeah, where the driver didn't help. No. By the way, first of all,

I wouldn't have jumped into that mess. Anyway, since you have a 204 this is costing me money to talk to you why don't if you have a fucking north dakota address why don't you get a 701 burner while you're at it you know i probably should yeah you got go go winnipeg jets uh let's get in the fucking playoffs right yeah are Yeah, are you going to come up for a game again or what? No, the last time I went to a game, they got knocked out of the playoffs, so I know my place. And I think all of Winnipeg knows me. Oh, there's that fucking great steakhouse there that's a fucking million years old.

What's that place? Where was it? In Winnipeg. fucking million years old. What's that place? Where was it? In Winnipeg. Oh, yeah. Ray and Jerry's. Old school. It's your style. I know. We went last time I was there. I want to get on a plane right now remembering

it, but I'm a little bit high. Hey, we got to go. I love you very much. Thank you for purchasing my stuff and we'll talk to you next time in Winnipeg. Come on, Rich Santos. Hello? Hey, it's Stan Hope.

Are you shitting me? No, I'm not shitting you. Why would I shit you? Why would you call me? I'll tell you why. I'm in a fucking jam, Richard. Why would I shit you? What the hell? Why would you call me? I'll tell you. I'll tell you why. I'm in a fucking jam, Richard. Listen, I've been accused of saying some racist shit about the Hispanics. And I saw, oh, fucking...

I'm not a Hispanic, but I... You got Santos as your last name. You're Hispanic enough. I need you to appear. Yeah, sure. Anyway. No, no, no. I grew up next to you in Massachusetts.

My father's Portuguese. Whatever. Anyway, go ahead hey i know but i need i need someone that has a name like santos to appear next to me in a press conference and just say hey he doesn't have a racist bone in his body what i was doing absolutely when i we were down at the rio grande because andy andres is here with me visiting here in bisbee at the border. And we started throwing cinder blocks attached to life rafts while we were wearing sombreros. And so we need you to just vouch for me. Absolutely. You and Andy, both of you and andy both right yeah yeah yeah we were having the um the arizona version of the iditarod dog sled but we were using mexican kids to pull on sleds square wheels and i guess the bullwhip was the fucking bridge too far so i just need you to stand up

beside me rich santos says that stand up would never absolutely you'll be subpoenaed oh man we've filled pinatas i've been having a real shitty few weeks man this is great all right good well i'm glad we got a hold of you what's where we're huntersville north carolina Filled pinatas. I've been having a real shitty few weeks, man. This is great. All right, good. Well, I'm glad we got a hold of you. Huntersville, North Carolina. What's that near? Charlotte. Charlotte.

All right. Yeah, it borders Charlotte. Like, when you come through Charlotte, that's where I go. Are you excited to see North Carolina in the Final Four? No, I don't. I could care less about basketball. So that means you probably could care less about basketball and so that means you probably could care less about

these speed cars that you have down there right that is correct yeah so you're Massachusetts you still get that crusty fucking thing

where it's still about Belichick and it's still about fucking what's his name who's that fucking punk Theo Epstein

who oh god I don't know I pay zero attention to any of thatstein? Oh, God. I don't know. I pay zero attention to any of that shit. I avoid all social media. All sports are bullshit except for Mexican children cart pole. This is fucking great. Why are you guys calling me?

I love it. Well, here's what happened rich it's kind of a fuck up and uh if you're enjoying this phone call it worked in your favor i tweeted uh on my birthday march 25th when i was drunk that i would uh i would call anyone who bought my book on my birthday and included their phone number with the order. So what they just, my merch girl just gave me every fucking order since then. And so I'm looking, yeah, you bought it on the day after my birthday. So you wouldn't have seen that tweet. You have no idea.

I saw your birthday podcast. I actually just listened to it while I was cleaning up some shit earlier today. I just got back from Massachusetts, actually. My wife's uncle passed away. So, yeah, anyway. Well, that's a great reason to go back to Massachusetts because it can't make it more depressing. It's fucking

terrible up there. Jesus, it's awful. What part? Southeast. Oh, yeah. Yeah, if you drew a line from Boston to the vineyard, there's a boat that goes out of there that goes to the vineyard. It's a shithole.

I'm about to wrap up our day of telemarketing here and uh i'm glad that uh i'm glad that you were our last call because that was a lot of fun and we love the mexican community yeah and andy last shot was great too by the way oh Oh, thank you, sir. In closing, we'd like to say you know what? I do keep up with you guys a little bit, and I'd like to get out to one of them comedy fests. It's just fucking hard because I have a life that sucks. I hope you're on the Patreons.

I am. I am. I am. Excellent, because we've got a bunch of content coming out. In fact, you might be looking at you, listening to you right now, because we're filming all these phone calls, and you will definitely make the cut. Do you have any idea what you sent me? I'm probably the merch girl, but what was in the box with your book?

It says right here, no encore for the donkey, deadbeat hero. Hey, it's a 20th anniversary. Good choice. And on sale. That's a fucking robbery. No, there was a coloring book in the box. The what? Coloring book.

Oh, see, I give her all sorts of weird shit. I hope you got it. I know. Did you get a book? I saw a box when I opened the box. It was hilarious. But somewhere on Reddit, on the Doug Stanhope subreddit, there is a subject, weird shit you got with the merch.

So make sure you tell them what you got. I'll have to look for that. That's fantastic. Find that. Because I know all the books should have a boarding pass bookmark. Ah, man. You made my day, Doug. All right.

All right. Thanks, guys. Hey, thanks. Bye now. Underlay, amigo. All right. All right. Thanks, guys. Hey, thanks. Underlay, amigo. I like Rich Santos. Two broads to close out. Kale.

No, I think Kale is a dude. Kale with a K. Oh, he's an intolerable vegetable. Get through. Please press 8. Hello? Hello? Kale?

I'm still confused why I had to press 8 to get to talk to you. I have a screen on my phone so I don't get called some you know scammers and stuff well we're here with telemarketing yeah well I'm a Nigerian prince and who's this? Doug Stanhope

and Andy Andres yes that was Andy talking and I'm Doug Stanhope and you bought a book on my birthday. You bought two books. This is a great fellow. Holy fuck, this is Doug Stanhope. Yeah.

Yeah, and I had to press 8. I had to press 8. And you still have fucking Hotmail, but you have some fancy thing? Do you have time to listen to a timeshare? I have my fucking head of the times, you know what I mean? I'm still a hotmail man myself. Doug Stanhope at. Don't fucking give it out to the whole world.

So yeah, I just want to... What are you calling me? Because on my birthday, I tweeted that anyone who bought my book on my birthday, I would call as a telemarketer and thank them. And a lot of people didn't see that tweet. So I'm just calling a lot of people that just happened to buy my book on that day because I don't know.

I said, include your number with the order, not knowing that, oh, every order has to have a phone number. So that means I have to call every fucking person that bought my book on March 25th. I don't have Twitter, so I just, I think I might have seen that, so I just fucking, yeah, posting my number.

Yeah, I'm sleeping up here in the oil sands up north in Alberta, so I, yeah, sober and working unfortunately you guys all fucking drunk yeah we ate some gummies and having an afternoon

beer and you're our last call before we have to talk to Linda Allen I hope you take some of that fucking oil money and get on the fucking Patreon because we get a lot of shit coming out including my special oh well sure i've never done that before but i haven't listened to your podcast a lot again this is the second time i buy your books i left it to a fucking buddy and he never returned it he

doesn't know where the fuck it is so i bought it again because i'm a i'm a bit of a hoarder i guess kind of like your mother i like it it. But I just keep it. And I haven't read the Don Q one yet, because it was only on audio or whatever, and I don't have that audio subscription to that. That's all right. That's all right. This one's better.

I couldn't figure out how to get it. So anyways, I never listened to it yet. So I'll actually have to read this one. This one's better read than listened to, and it's the best of the three according to me and um we are uh recording all these calls they're recording me and andy making these calls so you will be on my patreon at some point so you'll figure it out. That's fucking awesome, man. We'll talk to you soon. I appreciate you taking the time and buying the book.

Yeah, fuck. Yeah, man, you're a gem. I love you. You're hilarious. I love you too. We'll see you on the Reddits. Bye. Okay, see you, man. And here we go with our final phone call of the day You'll follow?

Okay Hello Hello Hello, is this Linda Allen? There's two young boys here that have a little song they'd like to sing for you. It goes a little something like this. Star of the day, who will it be? Your vote may hold the key, it's up to you.

Tell us who will be star of the day. I love you. Thanks so much. What's going on, you guys? You were at the bottom of the stack when they gave me the stack of people I had to call for buying my book on my birthday. I saw your name on top.

I go, no, she's last. That phone call could last forever. I can't start my shift with a fucking three-hour phone call. How long do you want to talk? Should I crack a beer or do you want to get back to it? I just cracked one myself, honey. Okay, I'll crack a beer.

I just fed my dogs. I'm tired today because I partied last night. And then I took an edible and I went to bed and my body felt really cool and funny. I sat there in a trance for a little while but evidently I didn't get any good rest so I'm just exhausted today. My husband's out watching the Bruins and all the basketball and I'm sitting here with my two dogs. Oh, yeah, I forgot that fucking Final Four shit's happening right now. We could have had that on up there. Yeah.

Who's playing and who's winning? Oh, you don't know. Your husband. Okay. I know a little bit. The Carolina girls got knocked out. Oh, and we don't, that's not us. We're talking men.

Yeah, sports. Sports. I really don't know. Yeah. Both of, the girls are pretty interesting. Do you have to, in the ladies sports,

do they have to put them on the bench if they're having their period? Or can they? Oh, no, those days along, I'm not going to

ever hear the tampon. Yeah, I'm going to try to get in the moment. You can ride a horse, you can go water skiing. The world's your oyster. That's what I find they smell like too.

Oh boy, oh boy. The worst of the oysters. When I saw no ID, I said to myself I don't normally answer these, but just maybe. Just maybe. Okay. Oh, now I'm stepping on my dog's leftover plate.

All right. I've never heard you so sober. Well, she didn't have prep time. I'm normal. I'm much happier drunk. That's all right. I'm taking off my hair hat because you're the last call of the day. I'm about to punch

out. I'm going to enjoy my beer. This is my Friday. Awesome. So did you have a show last night, Andy? Yep, we had a show. And I did ten to six I don't know.

It went on and on. And I did ten to six, I don't know. I don't know. It went on and on. It was like eight people on the fucking stage. And I still, I'm just still questioning that mysterious stain. Where did that come from? That wasn't there. Yeah, no, there's some stain. When I walked up on there kept my shoe kept sticking to it

oh no it's like when you take it when you take a shit and then you flush and then there's a streak down the side that's what it looks like that fucking table that was yeah it looks like a table a table room yeah table room i'm still'm... Speaking of funny shit things, there's a video that I could send to you of a guy getting off an escalator at like a main street and he has diarrhea and he just keeps walking and the next guy

snaps an anus on his ass. Sounds like something I might be interested in. That was my brother's thought I don't know why we try to create content when diarrhea clearly is something we can't compete with why don't we just make friends and incorporate diarrhea into some of our sketches? I figured it'd go something like this.

She hung up on us. The call ended at that exact moment. Poltergeist. So what were you saying about the mysterious stain? Hey, thank you guys for enjoying our telemarketing. We'll be back with you with another. I can't get enough telemarketing. We'll find another reason to do it.

We'll quit looking.