The Doug Stanhope Podcast - #551 - "Upstairs Time For Doug"

Episode Date: May 30, 2024

Be prepared to shed a tear, as you listen in on Doug's latest online therapy session. Thank You Patreon Subscribers. We could not do this without your ongoing support.Signed copies of "This Is Not Fame" available while supplies last at Stanhope Store - http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/ We have no idea what the future holds so get on the Mailing List at https://www.dougstanhope.com/. When we know, we'll let you know.Support the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

You're listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. Hello. Hello. Oh, let me turn this down a little bit. Oh, you're fine. OK. I'm always a little hardy here and anyway, so the loud is just fine by me. Perfect. Well, my name is Karis.

is just fine by me. Perfect. Well, my name is Karis. Yes. When I saw that name, I thought Alex Karis, like the old football player. And honestly, I thought it was, you're gonna be a gentleman. I guess I, but that's fine.

Fine as long as the wife doesn't walk in, I guess. Yeah, that's great. Are you comfortable having a female therapist? Yes. I guess a lot of these issues will come up in the next 30 minutes or so. But that's one of my main reasons for calling is I went to an event with my wife and I was under, I felt some undue pressure to maybe get promoted at work. That I had a glass of wine at the event and I don't drink alcohol.

I don't touch this stuff, but I thought, well, I'm gonna look like just a cheese head if I don't. And next thing you know, I hit the wine, went straight to my head. Don't know if I'm allergic, but I got a bit lippy with my wife. Okay. And she's a goddess.

I'll tell you, she's a goddess. Okay. But I guess I did mention something about her weight and which I would never ever do. I would never try to. So now I add her insistence, but I agree, I think I need to check into some kind of rehabilitation facility. Okay. And have you ever gone to any kind of rehabilitation facility. Okay. And have you ever gone to any kind

of a rehabilitation facility before? Oh no, I've never touched this stuff. Okay. How much do you drink each day? That was the one time. Okay. And it kicked me right in the pants, I'll tell you because I, for me to get lippy, that

woman is a precious gemstone, and for me to comment on her weight is just out of character. And I've read up on this before I talked to you. An alcoholic is born an alcoholic, right? I mean, it really depends. It varies so much from person to person. But if you only had that drink the one time. And it showed my true colors. And that's why I looked through a lot of the alcoholics anonymous literature. I don't know if I'm supposed to be able to say that and still be anonymous but and they

say yeah if you're an alcoholic it's not just something that you quit. You have that disease for the rest of your life. Well that sure is one way of looking at it. However, if you only drank one time and had a bad experience. Just coffee by the way. Yeah, I have coffee too. Is there any reason that you would need to drink again?

Well it's been on my mind ever since, mostly because of, well she won't let it go and rightfully so. For me to hurt her feelings and embarrass her like that. You know, I think an AA meeting would be a wonderful place to start. Right, they'd be able to guide me into a long-term facility. My wife tells me that because of it being my first time having a drink, that it's really gonna take a lot more time in a rehab clinic for me to learn about my disease.

Cause I don't even have rudimentary knowledge of what it's like to maybe slip and fall down. God forbid, get behind the wheel of a car. Yeah, but when did you have that drink? I guess it's been four nights ago. What is this today? Oh, it was on Saturday night, because that was the event, so.

Yeah, I mean, for you to have the awareness that this really threw you so quickly is not the sign of someone who's gonna keep drinking. It sounds like you had a terrible experience. is not the sign of someone who's gonna keep drinking. It sounds like you had a terrible experience. Well, you know what? I didn't actually know I was having a terrible experience until she told me repeatedly that I must be an alcoholic

for me to have said that sentence I said. And I, she's a woman who gets what she wants and she deserves it. Yeah, yeah. Well, unfortunately, you would have to have a sustained drinking problem to get into a rehab. I was, I will say it was sustained because I did make that a glass of wine last from the appetizers through the main course

and past dessert. I see. So that was quite a long time of my drinking. Yeah. Okay. Well, I could definitely try to find rehab facilities. Could you make sure that they're all rehab facilities? Can you could you make sure that there are all male facilities? Because my wife doesn't allow

me to interact with other women since since she's become well she's here's the thing is she's there she is, she's famous now, she's a celebrity of sorts, because she was on a television show called My 600-pound Life, where they attempt to help people diet, or in my wife's case, not as much dieting and most I think wasted trips to Houston. So but now that I'm, I'm having to be resigned to living in the shadow of a superstar. Yeah, that sounds stressful. Yeah, it's, I mean, I can only imagine what

it does to her to be sought after worship, how we have a celebrity culture now. Yeah, so I took on a second job a to to give her her alone space. And that's also I work at Safeway so it helps with the groceries. I can get a lot of things that would are about to turn or would have turned or had to be thrown away and that helps offset her feeding bills which I'm worth every penny. I think she's I'm worth every penny. I think she's, she's an angel from heaven. Yeah. And so she would not want me to be interacting

with females in a rehabilitation facility because I've heard something about the, well, I heard it from her, but is it true about a 13th step or counselors will try to make at me? 13th step or counselors will try to make at me I Mean I suppose you know that kind of thing goes on in a rehab but Typically the 13th step is just using your sobriety time

To kind of meet other people but if as long as you keep focused but let's go back a little bit I want to find out a little bit more about your everyday life before we start looking at potential you know we have options okay any given day like this any given day like the show I I try to rock her gently out of bed because sometimes there's breakage in the skin and I rock her like a manatee. If you've ever seen a manatee being put back into the waters and I gear up and I have a well it's a contraption we use to to wash her out. We live in the desert. So a lot of times now we have good weather I can I can hose her down in the driveway because we have high

fences. But in the cooler months I have to get her I grease her into the tub I use some of the balms that she has for her stores and then and then I go out and I get her food. I usually on my lunch break have to bring more food back to her. And then at the end of the night, she likes to have a little bite to eat with a meal. Okay.

And it sounds like you really value your relationship and being there for your wife. I think that's really wonderful. That's why I'm so afraid to go to a long-term rehabilitation facility is who's going to treat her like I treat her. She said that she's met several men on an app that agreed to come over and take turns helping her while I'm away and she'd like to

get me away as soon as possible so they can come over. Okay, okay. Are these people that she's met ahead of time? I it's an app. I don't know how apps work. I guess I'm a little past the past my prime, but it's you swipe right and use that they find people that would be probably good friends with. Okay, okay. So these aren't people that she would know ahead of time. She doesn't allow me to look at her phone or things but I trust her judgment. She does she judgment. She didn't get that fantastic by not knowing her way around. Absolutely. So you trust her judgment, that's great to hear. And you're

interested in going to a rehab and you had mentioned AA. Did you get an opportunity to go to any 12 step meetings yet? No, I haven't found an all male one in my area. But I did rent some films that include AA one was a Michael Keaton vehicle. And it was called the road dog. That was about alcoholics. And I think there's one with Sally Field but again my wife wouldn't let me watch it unless we were to edit her out or if maybe Photoshop a gentleman in which seems like too much work for it. There are all male AA meetings online. Have you ever been to an online meeting?

This is the first thing I've done online. Okay. And how is it going so far? I can see you just fine and I hear you very well. And because I'm upstairs, there's no way the wife could walk in on this because we would feel her literally if she were to try to come up the stairs, but she knows that she can't. So if I were to have other sessions with you, I would just have to make sure that I could get upstairs right after one of her feedings. I'm just wondering if perhaps you could talk to her about having a female therapist. Oh yeah she would she would scream and yell

and she breaks things and it's my fault if I were to say I want to show my feelings to another woman, it would be the same as saying that I want to go to the House of Bill repute. Well, what I'm wondering is if we could find a therapy situation that you could be open about with your with your spouse because You know Oftentimes you can take skills from therapy to discuss with your spouse to potentially even make the relationship A little bit better and I'm concerned that if you can't be Transparent that that would not be a good fit. I can help you try to find a male therapist.

When I said at that function, the company function and I, again, I can't blame the alcohol, I have to take some of this right on the chin. Because I said, honey, I'm concerned about your weight. And I said it just like that. I didn't pull any punches. And that's a first. Misogynistic, it's cruel. And I really deserve to be put away for a year or whatever, however long. I don't know if Dr. Drew is at all of the facilities,

but I've seen his program. That I'm not aware of. I certainly have helped people get into facilities for 28 days. It can be expensive. And I'm a little concerned about when you say that you deserve to be put away because I'm hearing a lack of grace for the fact that you made, you know, clearly a comment that made you feel uncomfortable. Yeah, it made her a hall of fame. She threw a vase or do you say

vase right against the wall right on the way out of the holiday inn wasn't our vase but still that's how how angry she was and she won't stop calling me a dwarf and a piece of s and I should be careful who I speak to do you know who I am I've been seen on TLC and you're nothing and you work and push carts in a safe way and I I think that she's getting through to me that maybe I need to just This is my rock bottom. I see

Okay, it sounds like this has been a very difficult time for you and I'm really sorry to hear that. Yeah, but at least now I know why it's because I've always been an alcoholic and I didn't understand that I just had those latent traits even before I drank. And that's what would lead her to, you know, call me all these names and treat me like that. And sometimes make me sleep in the back of the sedan with the dog. Which I don't understand because it was, she wanted the dog. It's not my dog, but I'll take care of Rusty.

Mm-hmm. Alright, let's play a commercial. I gotta throw my shit in the dryer. And we're back. Would it be okay if we switch gears a little bit so that I can take a little bit more of history about your background? Sure. So you mentioned that you have two jobs. You work at Safeway.

Right. And what is your other job? I deliver newspapers. It's something that was passed down to me from my father. Okay. Okay. And how do you like that work? Well, as legacy work, I feel that it's, it's more than just a job. It's something that's part of our heritage. Here's the, here's the times. Here's the bugle is actually what ours is called. Busy bugle. So I, yeah, I think that's more something that needs to be done like a Jewish Seder.

Okay. Okay. And so it also sounds like you really value hard work. Yes, yes. I do value hard work, although I don't like heavy lifting. Okay. When I push those carts, I push them maybe three, four at a time. I'm not one of those crazy animals that can push 1725 shopping carts in one giant train. I'm only one man. My wife could push it but sure but for the ankles.

Yeah. And What is your support system like? Well, as far as financially, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, emotional support, like friends, family members that support you, people that you could go, you know, for a cup of coffee with or could talk to if you were having any troubles? Now, she prefers that we, it's just generally her and I, unless it's one of those gentlemen she meets on her phone.

Okay, so... But I don't talk to them, she talks to them because I guess she probably wants to keep her personal business personal. Okay. And then what about friends at work or people that you might talk to at work? I don't want to get started, but they hired me for the deli and I ended up pushing carts,

so I don't really interact with the folks. Okay. So I don't really interact with the folks. Unless, sometimes if someone's I've just emptied their cart and I'm in the area, they'll shove it at me and go, here you go, guy or pal. They don't have a name tag yet. They say I should be getting one, but they go, hey, hey, that's that. So those are your friends.

They have a few of those friends. Okay. Okay. There you go buddy. Yeah. And is this your first marriage? Have you been married before? No, I have not.

This was my first love. I was delivering, well, I was in Door Dash back then, but it was a local equivalent where I was delivering some food for a minute was moonlight and trying to get my first Ford Fiesta still have it. And now yeah, she she came to the door in her chair and basically just fell into her lap so to speak, not actually falling into her lap that could be dangerous.

But you have feelings right away. Right. And how long have you been married? I guess this would be six years, eight months and eleven days. Okay And what about hobbies or interests? She likes, yeah, she likes to watch her stories, a lot of the murders and the, you know, yeah, mostly all murders. The ones where the date lines where the, you know, the wife murders their husband because she's sick of them. Always. Yeah, pretty much. That's the storyline. And she also talks, talks to those gentlemen on the phone quite a bit was when I it's called upstairs time for Doug can go upstairs, I have to

yeah, and then I spend a lot of time running back and forth to some of the fast foods. Like, like, she asked me on call. Okay, and then what about your hobbies and interests? Yeah, no, I don't mind going at all. I just if it's the middle of the night, we do have a Circle K that's open. I can get her moon pies or chili dogs if they have them. Sometimes the chili isn't out in the middle of the night,

but yeah, so yeah, that's it. I like what I do, my hobbies. Okay, any other hobbies like playing a sport or hiking, anything like that that brings you peace? Oh, yeah, I don't. I only, well, I did hike once was that night that I mentioned her weight. And then she said, I want you to beat feet you little crusty clown.

And I had to walk to the Burger King because she didn't even want me taking the car. She was so miffed. So yeah, that was, I think that's about two point seven miles each way. So that was, I guess it's good for me to keep in shape if I'm gonna be lifting like loaves of her blubber to wipe and medicate and I'm not a young man so I think I need some of these exercise projects that she gives me.

She gives you exercises to do? Well if she tells me I have to walk to Burger King because I'm a loser that doesn't deserve to drive well that's good. That's good for your legs and your cardiovascular system. So I just wanted to touch base about also your upbringing. I'm noticing as you talk a fair amount of almost like putting each other or putting being put down by your spouse, which is concerning. And I think she says it with love. Oh, I think she says it with love.

Okay. Okay. All right. And I can hear that. I mean, obviously, I'm not there. And you know, the dynamic between couples is very specific to their situation. When you were growing up with your family originally,

what was that like? Was it a warm environment? Was it a difficult environment? Well, my mother was, and I, God rest her soul, she was a little bit overweight. So she, I spent a lot of time caring for, lifting up a giant rolls of fold and wiping and applying medications, ointments, salves, balms.

And then she had diabetes. So by the time I was, I don't guess in my formative years, she had lost most of her legs. So I've got a good stomach for this kind of thing. You know what I'm saying? And did you have siblings? No, I've never even actually had sex. So I've never had any social disease. No, sorry, siblings, brothers or sisters? Oh, oh, no, no. Yeah, my, my mother said that I was a fool me

wants shame on me. Fool me twice. Or yeah, that I don't know exactly. No. But she said that. Yeah, this. I was a surprise. Okay, circle and only child and what was that like for you? Well, I never I guess you'd have to ask someone who has brothers or sisters because I wouldn't know that. Like no basis of comparison would be really would have like if I had brothers and sisters, I could see where that would be

advantageous to like when we sometimes like my mother which to her like one of her breasts could completely fall out and over and you're in a Carl's Jr and you're a little tiny guy and you're trying to get the whole trying to get the whole... back into her blouse and... well, good goodness, yeah, I'd love a few brothers and sisters then. Maybe one from the football team. And your relationship with your father, was he in the picture? He was mostly out getting her food most of the time.

He would work long, long hours and then he'd always be out getting her buckets of chicken, gravy. And how was your school experience? How was your education? Did you do well in school? Was it difficult? I was, I tried to stay by myself a lot and other kids, they didn't really tease me because it wasn't my fault that my mother was that large. But yeah, they'd say you or stuff when you walk by him.

So teasing? Yeah, just to each other. They'd go Oh, that kid's mom is as fat as that Gilbert great movie and stuff. But they weren't saying it to me, they're saying it to each other and then laughing really hard and stuff. What's the Gilbert great movie out when you're in school? Now, I'm pretty sure maybe maybe Oh, my gosh, turn goes fast. Doesn't it? Maybe it maybe it was a different. Maybe it's a different fat person movie or porky.

Kids will always have it. Yeah, they'd say circus jokes and fat lady from the circus. So I don't know exactly what they said. But you know, they're talking to each other. I wouldn't want to eavesdrop and moonlight on someone else's conversation because actually, a mother would never tolerate that nor would my wife. Yeah, absolutely. You know, it strikes me that you've had a lot of invalidating situations in in your life. And, you know, kind of the verbal put downs and teasing at school. I mean, that's very concerning. Yeah. Well, it wasn't it wasn't so bad. I mean, I guess that's why, you know, when my wife, if she's talking to me, that's why that's pretty much how she communicates to me is just don't be such a piece of shit. Just go to the goddamn store. You know, you have money, you can find money, sell something if you have to.

I want strudel. And you go, okay, that's a woman who knows what she wants and I'm not gonna be one of those men that try to drag her down and knock her down. She's seeing, she's living her best life and being the best me, her. Be the best you. Yeah, yeah.

Her, her you. Do you talk to her like that with put downs and everything? Do I talk to her? I just say, yes ma'am and no ma'am, the same way I was raised to talk to my mother. Okay, okay. She even has the same color hair as my mother. I'm also wondering if a male therapist would be a good fit because, raised to talk to my mother. Okay. She even has the same color hair as my mother.

I'm wondering if a male therapist would be a good fit because, you know, it might, might be nice to have that therapist possibly speak with you and your wife and, and look at communication and how it could possibly be improved because, you know, communication does affect your self esteem. Hang on. You know what that reminds me of? This commercial break. Alright we're back. Yeah, uh, I am uh, so what if you would talk to my wife and myself

at the same time? Yeah absolutely, but I just think that I could help you find a male therapist because I think that's a contentious issue. Could you just say that you identify as a male and just because she's, yeah, she, we don't know how the new world works. No, because that wouldn't be honest. But I definitely think I could help you find a therapist that can talk to you and your spouse about communication. Well, are you talking like a trans person? No, a man. Okay, a man. Yes, that would be fine by her. I don't know that. Yeah, I don't I don't think she would want to talk to a woman

with me in the room. Would you have a problem working with some? Well, I think she's afraid that because now that she's a huge celebrity that any of our household secrets getting out are gonna get pounced on by paparazzi. And because she's already had her giant, you know, naked body on television in a shower. They pixelate where they can

because their nipples don't always, you know, they're not like a normal, a small size person and unfortunately small size person would have say round aerials where my wife, they have to pixelate that because there's the big hump in the front that hangs low. It's called a meat skirt, I believe. Yeah, they don't have to pixelate that. And the point is, she's been naked on TV and that makes you not only a sex symbol, I guess, on some but but a topless that she would feel comfortable talking to someone? Well, it is an option, but if you, you know,

if I asked you if you were getting a male therapist, I think that that's something where you can speak freely with your wife. Oh. Wouldn't be a point of contention. If she wants to join you that of course that's your choice. Yes, but she's not she doesn't really speak to me much except for to tell me what I should be doing for today's you know,

chores and she's not real. You know, she doesn't share any kind of feelings or emotions or even points of view or she just likes to shut her door and watch her TV and ring her bell. She has a ding-a-ling-a-ling when she needs something or she has one that sits on her stand, depending on how she's sleeping. If she's sleeping like this on her belly then she has another bell that's up here on her nightstand and she goes ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding up and raw otherwise it's the wrath of Khan. So literally gnash our teeth. What is that like for you? Well it tells me I better speed it up next time.

You think you get something done down we got this good. Hey maybe try a little harder and see what you can pull out. Yeah, well, okay, so I think we have, we have to start wrapping it up for today. So I wanna look into rehabs for you. Is there a particular area that you think you might be interested in going to rehab? I would assume, where do they go on that intervention show? They zip them off to, is there one near Disneyland? I'm not sure.

I have to look into it. If it's next to a Golden Corral buffet, it's more likely that I could get my wife to visit me. Well, we can look and see what some of the options are, and I'm also wondering in the meanwhile if you would be willing to go to an AA meeting if I'm able to find you an all men online group so you can maybe hear some other people's stories. I think I'm just gonna since I've got this thing set up I think I'm just gonna, since I've got this thing set up, I think I'm gonna just Google search that AA right now as we hang up. And I'm gonna find out, I'll schedule things

when my wife has her next doctor's appointment. Well, maybe we can follow up and find out about rehabs and whatnot, but yes, they're coming to bring her out. They have to send it's actually oddly enough a piano moving company that takes her to her doctor locally over there in this Eurovista. They gurney her out in a tasteful way where it's away from the neighbors. that she usually does that sound. It's incredible to hear the commitment that you have to your family and how would you feel about me contacting BetterHelp and seeing if I can find a

male therapist for you? I'm just gonna what I'm gonna do is I'm gonna scroll through them because I think I have an eye for okay I know like when I saw my wife the same thing I go that is the woman and it's gonna make me a happy man And I'm gonna just scroll through and I'm gonna see that same face and a gentleman and I appreciate your time very much and Thank you. I think it's best we don't see each other again for my marriage because I feel like maybe there's chemistry between us on your part and I don't can't risk that so I have God bless you if you have a religion if not then happy you know you know stuff shit. All right. Well take take very good care and I hope you

Hope you have a good look You said I got a lot of that on here My god, you said she has feelings for you. Oh my god