The Doug Stanhope Podcast - #552 - This Won't Happen to You (AUDIO)

Episode Date: June 4, 2024

To coincide with Doug crashing on fan's couches to and from Kansas City - Here is a time some random fans stopped by for a drink, not knowing they were about to be surprise guests on a podcast all about them. This won't happen to you.Support the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

Until I get here sit over grab one of those chairs, and you can give us the All right, this would happen I still up this morning. Well. I woke up again. I went to bed all sober and shit. Oh, where's the the Coasters they were inside So yeah, I watched that fuck. It's the best thing thing I think I've ever seen on Netflix a series called that Little fucking reindeer baby reindeer What did we already talk about this? It's about the comedian and the stalker. It is so fucking good

So I stayed up. I went to bed early and I was gonna sleep but that was so good I ended up staying up till like one o'clock in the morning and then woke up again at 5 so I'm going through Reddit and my emails and on Reddit under the stand-up comedy Reddit so someone posted what do I have to live in one of the major cities to do comedy or what city should I live in and someone in the in the comments wrote Bisbee Arizona so and then the next guy said yeah that guy about me he said yeah that's weird a guy moved out there and gave his address to the whole world it just hangs out with randos all the time or at least he used to and

When I went from that to my email the first email I checked was randos passing through Arizona saying hey Can we stop in for a drink and I went well since that's what I'm known for but yeah We haven't we haven't had a rando over in a while. So Yeah, Benjamin Benjamin Benjamin Franklin on reddit stand up This is a all because you you posted that I I spend all my time hanging out with the randos at the end of the world here So so we get two guys coming One of them is unfortunately named George Floyd. Yes, that's my real name.

That's what he said. So all I know is him and his buddy are driving cross country and coming through Arizona and they should be here in about 15 minutes not knowing that they will be our guests on the podcast. They just think they're coming for a cocktail. But it's pretty much the same thing. I wonder if we didn't. Well, you're telling me I've got boogers.

My side. Well, your side doesn't have a camera, so fuck off. He's yours tonight. So, yeah, I guess, I mean, it would be odd, especially because of that camera, to act like they're not on a podcast, especially when I'm doing announcements. It's not obvious. Yeah, we'll see. We'll see. We'll figure them out. Maybe you can figure them out, Derek. Derek called, well, he was shook up from the court hearing. If you didn't listen to the

Footloose podcast, I don't know what it was called, but Derek's... Shots fired. Okay. It was where Derek here had the You know some some gal staying over at his house And one of them was a fucking tweaker who thought that everyone was there was trying to harvest her organ So she took Derek's rifle and started shooting and shot her other friends foot off And she just got sentenced yesterday or is it like a you explain what happened because the official sentencing is until May but you had to do some kind of like bartering with the the DA and the defense she was

in one room in the courtroom and we were in the side room with the prosecutor and a guy that used to be a judge as a mediator and we did a negotiation. They shot us the first offer was three and a half years and when it came down to it we offered seven years. Or I'm gonna walk? Or go to trial. Yeah. You're gonna walk on the plea bargain. Yeah. Well they, you know, if we don't want to participate I guess they can do whatever they want, but we offered seven years in seven years probation, but she has to do the probation in Oregon because she doesn't have any ties here, no family, or families in Oregon. So when she's out of prison, she has to leave Arizona and she's not allowed back in Cochise

County unless it's on a judge's order. That's weird because a lot of places do the exact opposite where you can't, once you've been charged or arrested, you can't leave. There's some kind of program where if, you know, she doesn't have any family here, if she gets out of prison and has no ties, she's better off being where she has at least her mom and her sister or some shit. Yeah, because you would actually let her stay on your couch.

Yeah, yeah. This is how the whole thing started. At least her mom and her sister or something. She would actually let her stay on your couch. Yeah. Yeah This is how the whole thing started. I guess so Then you can't shoot anybody though So they came back with they have to make another all mad at me the last time Yeah, they made another offer but we said seven and seven or trial. Is that a car door? Hey, somebody told us back there. Well, congratulations. Well, it's not official yet.

That was the deliberation, the official sentencing of what you settled on will be in May. So we can go To that because this was the first time the chick was actually in court and not just The whole time I was sitting in a chair that next to the aisle where they come through and I was only one in the place And also she's in you know she walked by and was in front of me She's just her attorneys just handed her Kleenex she was crying and her face is all messed up Cuz she you look like she's been crying a lot and she put on about 30 pounds So I was gonna say she's still kind of cute. No she never was okay

Just Jennifer's delusion. All right. I just I heard she was but probably from Jennifer I was trying if she was good-looking,, you know I'd have been trying to fuck her. Well, that's the thing. I was gonna say, if she was good looking at all, you'd still fuck her when she got out. Oh, Lord. Please. Well, I'd have to go to argue.

I know you'd probably feel really bad for that. No, I don't. Well, you probably should, but anyway, do you wanna come inside? Oh, God. I slept last night. I woke up feeling like I slept. You slept last night bullshit. First of all, you called them after 11 o'clock at night, asking them if they had marijuana, which is legal but it's still immoral. And then when

they said no, you started asking Alex Witness Be added to your list you were making no Witnessed you be psychic am I right is that? Once recollection of it all right. I don't know why I thought you would Derek's for As long as I've known basically a Occasionally drifted into this thing where he tries to tell people and convince people he's psychic And you know, it's never a breakfast. Let's say that I don't know how drunk you have to be to keep fucking

pulling that chain, but Yeah So maybe you can do that when these guys get here because again all we know is George Floyd and driving cross-country so maybe you can just sit back and drink in their auras and then I'll check in with you every now and then and see if you have any psychic vibrations about them because None of us know anything about them That I do know they have seen my show or he has seen my show a couple of times live

I do know they have seen my show or he has seen my show a couple of times live So do you know where they're staying my psych my psychic abilities my my crazy sonar is saying they're white Any other any other guesses I think one of them's tall Yeah, I do I said yeah, I said to this there's a good with this Right I'm gonna freak the fuck out if that's true. I'm gonna guess tennis shoes on both. Tennis shoes on both? Yeah, whatever you call them. Running shoes, tennis shoes, sneakers.

That's reaching. Yeah, no flip flops. That's reaching. It's not even. These guys are not flip flopping on a fucking cross country trip. It's crazy. I have a question. What makes you think they're gonna be on time?

Well, I told him to be here at five and you know what, you don't just fucking get an email back from Doug Stanhope in the morning, much less Alex's cell phone number because I ain't giving him my giving myself alright so we can now we can just throw in a commercial while we wait instead of burning batteries give me a clap creepy weirdo perv. Wait, here we go, here we go, here we go. People are looking. I think this may be them. People are parking. Yeah, I see it. They're coming in.

I see it. Was that their... Stop! So it's not a broken car? No. It was not a broken car. That's them. It's not their broken car.

They're backing in wrong. Fine. Let's judge. Can we start judging? I'm just Fine. Let's judge. Can we start judging? Have a sit. I was going to say a quick hello. Sit and say hello.

Sit so they know they have those two seats. 20 minutes. Do you know blocking for a hidden camera? This is how they do on intervention. They set the whole family up So there's only one seat right in the fucking hero shot in the middle of the couch And there's nowhere else to sit the whole place Hello

Welcome Hi, George, Justin. Nice to meet you guys That's Dave Raider That's a bingo meet you guys that's Dave Raider that's Bingo that's Derek sit down we'll get you drinks what acceptant. Is that what you're drinking? I'll drink whatever. Same. What are you working with? You like gin and tonics?

Sure. Sure, I'll work with some gin and tonic. Wait, that was a frown. Gin is one of the few. I'm just trying to get rid of the fucking gin and tonics. One of those drinks that everyone was drinking it for a minute. No, this is actually just the good bottles of tonic and gin and like that was British Jonathan and all these people were doing Gin and tonics and then all those people moved or I'm like, why don't I do anyway? What would you like? Um

If you're at a bar, what we order I would order bourbon Bourbon. Yeah, so that's bourbon. So how about two cups of ice? Mayor's mark or anything really, whatever you got. You want a mixer? No. I'm good. Want to get him a couple glasses of ice? Derek?

Oh, Derek. Thank you, Derek. So what's the story? You're doing like a podcast or something? Oh yeah. Really? Yeah. Interesting.

So which one of you is George Floyd? I'm George Floyd. Wow, that's a real name. I'm going to show him my ID if you don't believe me. No, I believe you. People who go, hey, is this really Doug Stanhope? Well, if you're going to make someone up, you probably...

You probably need to do better. Who would George Floyd or Doug Stanhope be? I go George Floyd. Definitely. That would you do George Floyd or Doug Stanhope? I'd go George Floyd. It's uh, that would be a whole podcast series of people whose names have been ruined. Like I always thought, oh, there was like another like famous Stanhope that would say, you know, fucking serial killer or something.

That would be cool, serial killer. But you know what I'm saying? Your name is kinda. We just came from my uncle's house. He lives in Tucson. He has my same name. So we we just came from my uncle's house he lives in Tucson he has my same name so we're just talking about that he has to deal with that shit too George Floyd yeah he's been getting yeah what what at least George Floyd is dead so you don't get like yeah people calling you sit thinking

you're George Floyd like if you were the cop that killed George Floyd, you had that name. You'd fucking die, pig. That's not me. My LinkedIn searches blew up when he died. I was like, why are like 3,000 people searching for my name? Is that the first time you put on blackface? Yeah.

That's the first time I'll admit to it, yeah. Welcome. Thank you. Derek, Derek, you'll see, watching the beginning of the podcast, we already set up, Derek tends to get on these whims of he's a psychic. So I go, okay, well, none of us know anything about these two guys other than they're driving across the country. Oh shit. One of them's seen me a couple times live other than that. So what do you get any of your stupid psychic vibes?

Are you gonna cold read us? That's the thing he only tells you how psychic he is when he's drunk Okay, any demands and he'll call his sister and say yeah, but tell him I'm psychic Yeah, he would always call me up and he'd know like what fast food I was eating and I go you live in a very small town Don't you she yeah, I go how many fast foods are there two and you probably don't like one, right? So you think he can and you're overweight, right? Yeah She's always eating fast food and he's the psychic for knowing it. Hi lady from my 600 pound life I'm having a psychic vision you have a tub of KFC under one arm and a waterfall of tears coming out of your

face. How'd you know? Where did you see me live? I'm trying to remember. I know I saw you in Ontario, I think, and Ontario, California. Yeah, those improvs, they don't... I mean, nothing against them, but there's nothing about them that stands out in your memory. No, at all. It's like saying, you saw me waiting tables at aGI Friday Center, and I'm like, which one?

It's all the fucking same. I've seen a couple comics there, and every time that we go, you can even tell that the comics are kind of like, this doesn't feel like this is working right now. Like the whole time that they're up there. So yeah, and like even last we saw was Big J there, and Big J, he was like, you can tell like he's telling his jokes, and even when he went for his big finisher, the whole crowd was just kind of like, huh? Instead of like laughing, so it was like, oh. like he's telling his jokes and even when he went for his big finisher And in it was 2022 and I saw you about ten years ago I think in Corona, California Wow Yeah, Ontario's I was I remember as in Ontario when now what's his name the cop that I did the whole bit about

The guy that left the manifesto He was on the run and oh, yeah, Chris Dornan No Chris Dornan, oh no, he was out this way wasn't he yeah, he was in Ontario or around Ontario So you're psychic, right? so when that was happening I was living in SoCal and He had just like I think killed some people in San Bernardino just randomly. Who? Chris Dornhorn. Yeah, he killed some cops, cops' family, some people and I'm like, he's going to Big Bear.

I would be going to Big Bear. And they had a million dollar reward and I was like, oh, I should take my gun and go look for him in Big Bear. But I'm not that stupid so I didn't do it. That's exactly where they found them. I could have been rich. Was he like a commando what are you driving it's my wife's Volvo we have we have a seven-month-old and I'm the type that I better upgrade from her Corolla to something safe so sorry it looked like my car and I've almost gotten into other cars that yeah Well, not that car but but yeah

Every fucking car looks just like that car and I can't wait to get rid of mine I have a Honda CRV that looks just oh, yeah And I've gone to get in the wrong car. That's not even this is a Toyota. It's the but it looks exactly the same Are you Alex? Yeah It looks exactly the same. Are you Alex? Yes. Thank you. That's his number you have.

I was like, fuck man, Doug has handlers and everything. He sent me to Alex. So, cheers. I'll give him my number out. I'm just here in case he has to pee. So, are you touring? No, no, we've just been hanging out. We've been filming a lot of stuff and goofing off a bunch and I'm trying to edit that special

or trying to get myself to watch it. Just go take that out. But I don't even want to watch it. And we have no plans. At all. No. At all. Very nice. So you both have kids and they're both back East or they're not in a car are they? No. That's a good place for a locked in hot car.

No. Wee hoo! Just for the podcast. We had this guy Adderall, I don't know if you ever listen to the podcast, but in the old days, this guy Adderall Jack would bring us random drugs, even when we didn't ask for them. But he'd stay. It's kind of like a girl that knows you're drunk and says, hey, I know you're almost last called.

Do you want me to blow you and your car? And you're like, well, I wouldn't have called you and asked, but since you're right here, he would do that with drugs. I know you didn't ask me to drive down from Phoenix with drugs, but I have them, and I'm right here. And you go, ah, fuck, all right, give us some drugs. But he's his wife. He's asking if you have any drugs. His girlfriend.

That was in the old days. We don't do drugs anymore. Good. He'd leave his girlfriend in the car. Oh, yeah, that was the point. He'd come in and hang around during football and 45 minutes later he'd be like, you didn't bring your girlfriend? Oh yeah, she's in the car.

I go, well tell her to come in. He goes, she's fine. Why don't I? And you never know. And he did it every time. Fucking weird. That's what's happening. Back to you guys.

Why are we talking about ourselves? We have a guest for fuck's sake. Sure. weird That's back to you guys why are we talking about ourselves Yes for fuck's sake sure Yes about our kids not you get your wives have the kids somebody. Yeah. Yes. Yes, my wife is She kidnapped McKenna Taiwan, and I've been trying to get him back I'm kidding. I'm kidding. They are Stayed with the lie that might be true. So

we went back to Taiwan together because his mom is Taiwanese. Thank you, yeah. That's a fever show. Exactly. We go back. I could go on all day. Your eyes look like way you were.

I saw that. Small tangent, we started a game in the car on the way out where we call it, I'm just going to say it's a racial dilemma. So you have to say two stereotypes about a group that's conflicting. I'm not going to say on the podcast what those were, but it's a hilarious concept. Well you should have come up with one that was radio friendly that was about the about the... We were doing it before we knew we were gonna be here. Yeah if you had it about the Dutch. Yeah. They're cheap but they're the tallest. I'm Dutch. So they're the tallest. I don't know if they have figures for cheap but go Dutch is a expression yeah yeah I don't even back

there because it takes a longer time than expected to take care of citizenship there so anyways they're back there I'm bacheloring it across the country moving the house all by myself wait so you you're both staying on the East Coast so he lives in Virginia Beach yeah we grew up together in California and I'm now moving to Maryland three hours from where he lives. Yeah, so I'm

just getting everything. So what's your job in Maryland? Like, oh yeah. You've been there? Do you know how bad it sucks? Yeah, so I used to travel out to DC like a lot for work. I work for the Navy. So I'm going there to be... You've heard of them? Yeah, they're a big company and I'm going to be... One of the biggest shipping companies in the world. Yeah, the biggest polluter in the world actually, fun fact. Oh wow. Yeah, I mean yeah, so I'll be a chief data officer for one of their large organizations there, so just like you know data stuff. Most people have never heard of it, but pretty fun. like, you know, data stuff. Most people have never heard of it, but pretty fun. All right, let's play a commercial.

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And we're back. Maybe get him some edibles. Oh, let me tell you that. He's a psychic. What's that? You want an edible? No, I'm okay. I, but I have a really good cigarette

You look like so I'll take a cigarette. Yeah, I don't You don't smoke anymore now Really? Nice, you know to be honest with you. I haven't smoked a cigarette in about five years. Oh Yeah, I this stupid fucking robot. Oh, yeah No, it's fine. Hey I have a question is there nicotine in anything? Definitely. Just nicotine no pot? No there's just pot in here. I'm sorry there's just nicotine. Do you want a pot? No I don't want a pot. I have one from Southern California. I don't want nicotine. I want nicotine. Is that nicotine? Yes. I took a half. I love you. I love you.

You're so inedible. For sure. Can I have three? You can do it. I love you. I actually have a better tasting one in my car. Do you want to stay with me tonight? How do your lungs feel since you switched? Better. I didn't. I wasn't, I completely abstained from any kind of smoking except for weed for like a couple years. And then my wife's a heavy smoker. And she's one of those people who will never ever stop smoking. You can just tell. The reader used to say that, now he's almost three weeks quit.

But I, uh, so I, I, Oh God, I feel great. Oh my God. I didn't smoke for years. And then, I was trying to get my wife to quit. And I was like, here, well let's go buy you a vaporizer.

So I bought her one. And then I picked it up and started hitting it. And then she doesn't give a shit about it. She just went right back to the cigarettes. So then it became, this became my new vice. So, and I haven't kicked it since then. So, yeah.

Oh, that's a great one So yeah for me the reason I started doing it was kind of weird. I have an extra bedroom. Really? If you have more. I have two. You gotta pay. So the but I I started picking this up because I stopped eating sugar at one point I got into keto crazy. Oh yeah. I lost a lot of weight doing it. But having no sugar, you're addicted to the feeling of sugar. You want something sweet in your mouth all the time, right?

So I stopped eating sugar and when I would drink coffee or when I would drink something that was real bland, I would start hitting the sugar. So instead of sugar-free add so instead of you know the Sugar free bullshit like I was you know instead of avoiding aspartame instead I inhale sugar now so the taste kind of like makes us flavored. Yeah. Yeah, this one's like strawberry shortcake Strawberry short yeah, they're all very flavor Kids to start strawberry fucking flavored shit. You suck on that cock flavor long enough, it's gonna spit strawberry shortcake.

Double your pleasure, honey. I know it is definitely fruity to do it, but at the end of the day, I think that I'm better off for not smoking cigarettes because it's not it's not so uh it's the it's not as um abrasive to the 48 49 how do my yeah 42 see yeah it's not psychic yeah yeah well here your guess first and then I'll tell you what I thought you're gonna Yeah, it's not psychic. It's, uh, okay, speaker. Non-spoiler. Yeah. Yeah. I'll hear your guess first, and then I'll tell you my age. I thought you were going to guess my age. Yeah, I would go, uh, 36.

Ah, 39. You were pretty close. Everyone goes younger. I got a baby face. Well, I went, yeah, because I went wrong with him. Okay, yeah. We did say you guys grew up together. Yeah. Ah, look at that. That's how actual psychics do it.

They start piecing the information together and they get good reads on people. Yeah, I would get some eye drops so I can focus on what your hat says and then put that together with Palomar Observatory and then... There you go. Can pinpoint where I was born in my social security number He's good against He really is What's the next big thing for you other than you come here with a fucking basket full of questions? Yeah, we're back to your Asian wives

I would have a very difficult time going Like over there for any length of time and quitting smoking because they're the last people left that bucket just smoke Hardcore you know what I just you know what I just thought about that when I was in Taiwan I was smoking cigarettes because you couldn't buy these there So when I was there I like conceded I conceded to yeah I'm guessing gonna smoke cigarettes while I'm here So I did smoke a lot and when I got home, I like conceded, I conceded to, yeah, I'm guessing I'm gonna smoke cigarettes while I'm here. So I did smoke a lot. And when I got home, like, I felt like shit.

So yeah, definitely. And their cigarettes are different. Well, he just quit and it's a weird way, when you still drink and you quit smoking and you wake up and you go, oh fuck, I feel like 90% better. Like most of the hangover was the cigarettes. Yeah.

I got drunk and fucking chain smoking. Yeah, now I hangovers yeah it's not quite so bad it's just in your head a little bit you know cloudy but other than that it's not so bad like I agree I used to I used to go home after like long weekends of partying and then just not be able to breathe and feel like shit feel like I have the flu and like am I sick and then it would go away and it's like oh yeah It's just a stupid fucking cigarettes. Yeah That's a bingo and I we quit for I think it was 2008 for almost the whole year and then we went to Costa Rica and they were like a 75 cents a pack

Just a vacation though just a vacation We're getting a deal! We're gonna smoke just a vacation though, just a vacation. Are you staying in Bisbee or are you moving on? We... Complaining about your... Yeah, we're kind of complaining about you. We're just kind of making our way across America. Yeah, unless you want to share Queenshire's bed.

I only get the guest house. We're... our next stop is Austin. We have friends out there in that area and what I mean Austin's kind of the spot in America right now. Yeah. You know, be tourists in Austin for a few hours, go eat barbecue like everybody else does. So yeah, I was gonna say this place is probably sold out on a Saturday night. Oh, it's it is. There's no there's no tickets in on Sixth Street right now for this Oh, no, I mean logic here is fewer. You're gonna stay here tonight. Oh watching. Yeah. Yeah, my brain's on so now

But going that way They ain't nothing happening in Douglas. Yeah, or Lourdes Berg or every other town Yeah, but there's I don't think they They don't look like spooners but you're welcome to it you guys get drunk you want to fucking crash and then the Can I try that thing again? I'll take this guy. Oh, alright. I forgot that angle. I'm trying to get this guy on. They also have them at the store.

Right there. No, they do not. This is 100% better than what they have available. This is like a monster. It hits so hard. Well, don't fucking say the brand brand because we don't plug anything in. Definitely not that brand.

Do you see what the brand is? Look at it and you definitely don't want to say that brand. Cunt. Tard. This is so heavy. This is so heavy. Is your Is your

Is your Is your temptation to Asian massage parlors now kind of quelled, shut down by Asian wives? I mean that's... I always wanted to know. I've been with my wife since I was 16. So I've been married for 23 years. And it's uh... That's why you look old. It wasn't the cigarettes at all. That's where the gray comes from.

How old's that kid? My son? He's 12. I have a 22 year old daughter as well. So I had a son or a daughter really young. Same lady from the service? Yeah, same. I've been with my wife forever like it's How old was your wife same age as me? She's she's two months. It was legal Okay, well I was telling him on the ride out here about a person we both know who got with his wife when there was a bit of an age difference.

Yeah, not quite legal, but... Yep. My dad was my mother's biology teacher, and then she graduated and they got married. And he was 36 and she was 18 according to lore Until she died and I wrote my first book about and I went through all of her and I found fucking a letter to her Mother saying well Russ says when I graduate we're gonna get and she was fucking 17 and he was 35 But they they massage those numbers my my mother Was 14 when she married her first husband. Yeah, they're from some podunk ass town in Northern California.

They're from Marysville, California. Oh yeah. That's not podunk. No, that's not my dad. I'm my dad's only son. How old was the guy that she married when she was 14? He was probably 20-something. Yeah, you don't have to go back past the 20th century to find a pedophile

And he lost a fucking leg in the trenches at Verdun and he married his third He was 30 years Prearranged even though we didn't do those in coal mining towns like on paper. But yeah, it was pre-arranged. We saw it coming. I think my dad married my mom when she was 19 and he was like 30. So there's big age gaps in everybody and all like the marriages. Yeah, I don't have any Seinfelds in my fucking heritage. I started fucking a 17 year old when he was 58 or however that worked. I don't know What? He did it?

It does matter. Yeah Oh wow I haven't heard that Seinfeld story Yeah, I was like, oh it was a big you you're too young oddly enough. Oh, yeah, huh this this predates Seinfeld It was right after Seinfeld stopped airing. I don't know Yeah, very close He was dating I don't think they're together anymore

Probably not. who fucking knows? Like she's not 17 anymore. She stopped getting pressed once she's 25, that's how it works. Yeah, I guess when you're talented enough, you kinda, it's sort of okay. Roman Polanski and Luis Gabe came back from his thing. Roman Polanski and Luis.

I shouldn't compare those, I apologize. I apologize to Roman Polanski and Louis CK. I shouldn't compare those. I apologize to Roman Polanski. Give me Jerry Lee Lewis. Give me Elvis. Louis CK is not. JFK is just reading some shit about him and Fiddle and Faddle. Yeah, JFK was, I mean, I know, but you have to refresh yourself. You go, oh yeah, he was like a real pussy hound and they all sorts of stop gaps to make sure no one, the press didn't talk because they were gentlemen back then. There was no fucking TMZ.

You know why? Did you know how old I was when you? I don't know how old you are now, but I also don't know how you got in the gate. Hey, if you meet a woman at the bar, it was the bouncer's responsibility to cart her. After that, your conscience is clear, right? Oh, no, no, no, no. She was 22. She was not anywhere near a child.

My brain was a child though. I mean, very now. I was retarded. Are you starting to notice a Navalny thing where people around me, like, become somewhat enemies, they just start getting dumber and dumber and poisoned and fucking... Yeah, maybe I'm putting some uh, some antifreeze into your uh And to your plastic jug vodka to make you both retarded so I think it's a brain tumor

But since my health care so shitty I'll never know until I'm gone Do you have a brain tumor? He'll never know. He's just scared. He's saying that's why he's retarded. Is that why he's psychic? I started thinking that's a possibility. I never thought of that before. Yeah, this week, hang on, you know what?

We'll save you for another podcast, but there were some other things that I forgot you claim that you woke up on the table after your accident and your guts were beside you on the table? No. Okay, a few people remember that one specifically. No, all my guts were on the table, but I don't remember that. I was just told that.

You had an accident, a car accident. I didn't wake up or anything. They just told me, you know, this scar is from when they took them all out and sewed them up and put them back in. Okay. You got it by training to get it now. Well, maybe you had a psychic vision of it. One of the nights that you keep telling us you're psychic, but don't remember that the next day. Where does this whole psychic thing come from?

When it was hitting on Mitch Hedberg's widow, she came down here right after he died. I think I'm in love with you. I Sake vision Well, I like cheese okay, we're gonna test you they brought out the cards, okay, guess the next card how you doing? Turn into crazy did he get any right? In fact, he might be the only... Oh, I can't say that. No, no, no.

Zip it! A lot of people have known the pleasure of that woman's love. He's not one of them. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha over in his grave up to a point and I draw that fence line right here. Sure a couple of us had a roll in the hay down in the crawl space one after another after another. What? That was so funny. We've even slept in the same bed in that fuck. Oh, okay. You guys don't know how to pull the trigger. No, my air mattress and death valley deflated and she was the only

one awake and I'm like I haven't slept in like two days can I please use your bed. And that worked? This is Derek after months of calculating this pickup approach where he's gonna safety pin it's the night of the big ice and he pulls it out man I actually I just needed sleep cuz I've been awake for so long is that plan B I thought about that if I had planned it out right I could have been the seventh guy at the party to nail her. Favorite dead comics? We'll put you on speed round so we can go. Oh I'm giving you the most bullshit cliche answer but it is George Carlin. Alright, yeah.

It is, it's just George Carlin. But George Carlin, like to me George Carlin, I mean sure he comic, but watching Carlin's kind of like going to church. It's not really like watching normal stand-up comedy where somebody kind of is up there and trying to feel comfortable and, you know, and remember what they're doing. Whereas, like, Carlin was more like watching, he says, going to church, like, they're preaching to you the entire time. And he had a lot of good things to say I think. Rouse is the one that I, because he died? Oh, fucking Rouse died in 2016 I think? 2017. Really? Canadian Rouse, right?

No, that's Jason Rouse. Okay, that's who I thought you were talking about. Oh no. It's our Sean Love. I'm- No one's gonna care if he dies until he takes that fucking grill out. You've offered a role? I can't deal with the role.

I'm pouring accordingly. Hang on. Till then, it's- I ain't no wool'm pouring accordingly. Yeah, so then it's no wool. Yeah Kim yeah, yeah, we'll talk about that. Keep me off the road My god, will you put him up a Derek Derek? Oh, yeah You don't have to spoon me would you you sleep with Derek to sleep with Archie? Well, you can sleep on the couch. Watch your feet. This is where the girl shot the place up.

Thinking they're going to... Oh wait, did you miss the whole... We'll catch you up after. You were gone. We did the update before on this podcast. They finally sentenced the girl who... He put up some late Yeah. You were gone. We did the update before on this podcast. They finally sentenced a girl who, they, he put up some ladies, friends, and one of them

was a meth head and thought that everyone in the house was trying to harvest her organs. So as they slept, she stole his rifle and started shooting everyone or at everyone. And she only got one person's foot off with a, what was it? What type of rifle a Luger no was it a Luger? No she got sentenced what seven seven years and seven days and she killed somebody right? No just shot her foot off. But that's a murder. You can deal with it. Anyway you're on couch. You're on the couch with the bloody... Make sure you don't put your head where the feet should go.

Nobody die there. That makes it different. No, it's just there's a foot there. My house is a hundred years old. I assure you someone has died there. You'll be fine. Well, plot twist. They were trying to harvest her organs. I live on Hazard Street if you get scared. That was just her defense. Oh, sorry. That was just her defense was that she was mad at my friend for kicking her out and she shot that stuff

No, she's not fucking there is no first of all I would if we wanted to have a long discussion about whether or not she should even be in a fucking prison We could have that she's no more or less mentally ill than I am well a fucking prison we could have that. She's no more or less mentally ill than I am. Well just cause she's not as good at it. But if I killed the neighbor just like I'm crazy I'm gonna go kill this neighbor would you advocate for me not being in prison or? Well you've tried to do stuff like this where I've not killed neighbors as much as just like use your fucking oh by the way I'm okay and there if you lied about this this Row and then you go. I have put dramatic rain and you happened sleep with your shoes on

He hasn't felt the pink envelope of a woman in a long time Those motherfuckers are married and neither are they. What? You are psychic my friend. I've been married 23 years. It's been a while for me. My wife's in another country right now. So, Greg Giraldo I'm gonna go with. Yeah. Okay, I'm gonna go with yeah Okay, I'm gonna have a fond memory. I went with this guy And a friend or two of ours and we saw him at the same place I saw you Ontario improv and he had a joke that I'll always remember

about getting old sitting down and he knew he's old because his balls like touched the toilet water and I Laughed really hard at that. So that's like a a moment I'll carry with me. Wow. Did he steal that joke from you? No, no. Anyone at that age does mention stats. It's like a cliche I get it. I'm sure he had a joke. Yeah, he would tell it so good. I'm not a comedian. Yeah, he also had the bit about the letters from the military Civil War versus today and how in the Civil War The soldiers are oh my sweet gorgeous Josephine Hardly here under the cover of darkness and today they're like I'm in fucking Iraq my fucking balls are stuck

It's hard as fuck. You better not be fucking nobody. I'm in fucking Iraq. My fucking balls are stuck. It's hot as fuck. You better not be fucking nobody. I'm doing a huge disservice to that bit. Instead, yeah. But that's why I'm saying, I know he must have had a punchline about the balls in the toilet. The one that stick with me is Premispice as well. I don't remember the whole joke, but it was about how horse jizzes were like $100,000. So he's like, he's like, this stuff is like fucking gold.

You know, it's great. The bit was great. It had me going. It stuck with me for a long time. It's just always like, oh yeah, horse jizz. Who's, you're now a recent transplant. How long do you think it is before the Ontario improv stops calling you to give you free tickets?

How many times do you have to say I live in Maryland it's been like six years now. Oh, yeah You'd stop. It's the funny bone for me now, but yeah, okay. Yeah, that's where we play in VAB Irvine Improv they attract bigger names a bit Ontario's kind of more podunk, but whoever is really trending right now always goes to Irvine and not to Ontario, I've noticed. Oh, I don't know. I don't give a fuck. I just go and like, alright. Wherever you're money, you show up and they give a laugh. Who's the worst performance you've seen live? Well, I was cucking one time.

I never did that. Oh, worst performance I've seen live? I mean, comic-wise? I had to go from cuck to headliner. Like, even I could get harder for my wife. This guy was beating my wife so poorly, I had to go, Alright, beat it, wacky! It wasn't a comedian.

Most of the comedians that I've seen have always done a pretty good job. Louis Anderson was a little boring. This was back in like the 80s. I saw him when I was a kid and he was kind of boring. He kind of just sat on the thing and just kind of like the whole time. Fearing at you. I can't even think of my jokes. You're wearing flip flops and I'm gay with a foot fetish.

My brother started heckling him. It was pretty hilarious. Oh, we uh, but the worst performance I've ever seen in my life was the Steve Miller band. Wow. So just any kind of performance? Steve Miller band. Like holy shit. Like, did he fall down? Like, there was like, I wish I saw the legendary head bark Performance in Phoenix where he fucking just laid down on the stage and refused to leave and the fucking unions guys are there Go, we're gonna fucking double charge you over time. Did he shit before they came or well, he probably ate something He wasn't fucking pissing clean for a CVS pharmacy fucking job He wasn't fucking pissing clean for a CVS pharmacy fucking job

But I mean like he like did he bomb out before you before that happened or now? I just kept I don't know Chaley was there. He was just fucked up and decided to stay on the stage There's a guy with this lead at least one legendary Geraldo gig or a couple there. He was so fucked up. He could barely talk Any cocaine problem or what was his kind of problem? He was so fucked up he could barely talk. Um... Hey, cocaine problem or what was his kind of problem? He was pills and coke. Yeah. I just, uh... I saw him all...

I saw him like all mepped out one time. Like I've seen videos of him just kind of like... And like you can tell he's like his jaw's going and everything and it's like oh shit. Like... Like yeah, you're not funny when you're this fucked up. I think you guys... It's funny. Yeah, that's the fucking problem is you're the funniest right before you hit that little

lip of insulation. You go from disastrously fucking highly acclaimed to... Yeah, yeah. I mean, don't get me wrong, Mitch Hedberg was great. I was reading a book of quotes and he has a bunch of quotes in there that are they can none of the other ones are from comedians but he there's a bunch of them from Mitch Hedberg like escalators is in there and there's a couple other and I was like like he his his uh his words were pretty perfect. I had a really good 22 minute bit on my

No Place Like Home CD did that not make the list of quotes? No place like home, CD. Did that not make the list of quotes? There's seven pages long. You might remember the joke. My favorite all time joke of yours. Do you remember the one, um, the butthole was like a blinking cyclops. That was in the middle of an 11 minute bit about raping a guy and a hello. Was it fun? Sound travels. Yeah, raping the guy on the, hello. Was it good? Sound travels.

Yeah, raping a guy on the hello. Asian wife. Gotcha. I stopped myself from introducing him. I saw he had an Asian wife and I was going to say, hey, come on. Oh, no. Oh, no. What do you mean?

Does it look like him? You are all like the same. This guy likes baseball too. You guys should be friends Those in the special weren't you like Stockholm or something? I think it's already in a jersey, right? No, I think I was never in Jersey Well, I mean I've been to Jersey but not a special. No no you were wearing a jersey. Oh a couple of them yeah but yeah the no refunds I was wearing a jersey but the blinking I think that's Beer Hall Putsch. Is it? Yeah. Yeah. Are these your sorry I don't

know what you guys do. years is what I by Australian tour manager oh is now bringing his lady over here to enjoy freedom for the first time oh very nice learn the English language and have knowledge and stuff, things like that. So yeah, they're in the process of moving over. And they're producing my podcast. How long have you been doing your podcast? How long have you been? How many episodes deep are you? Ten years. Ten years you've been doing it? I've seen a few episodes of your podcast. I don't do podcasts too often, but...

We never... It was just a goofy thing to do until lately. You know, oh, I don't want to leave the house. I should have put more effort into that when it was a thing. Yeah. It is kind of the last gasp. I never wanted to do fucking film. We just like okay

Let's record an hour of this for the fucking hard cores and Move on but yeah Now these people know how to do video. It's a lot easier. Yeah Mmm, a couple people got comedians got a podcast like the right time like Marc Maron and Joe Rogan and Things and yeah another like billionaires or something right Bobby Kelly Bobby Kelly oh Different times like Marc Maron was huge way before Joe Rogan and yeah But I'm sure he's like people I've never heard of her making fucking yeah, you know ten grand a month

Without getting out of bed. It's like two routes to like work from home and make ten grand a month without getting out of bed. It's like two routes to like work from home and make ten grand a month is podcasts and OnlyFans. Yeah, and I have both. She's the only one on my own. I'm OnlyFans, he's podcasting. No one online still. Honey, it says you're not online.

Well, what do you do on there? Well, I'll tell you, I haven't had... Foot fetishes over here. So, so many, me an OnlyFans. Well, I did buy a Speculum at the art sale. Derek's got a fishing pole. So no ping pong balls or anything? Well, the bobber on the fishing line is going to get it in there.

You came up with a new one called the bird feeder. Yeah. That's when you take your ball bag and you open it up and you make them sip out of your ball bag. Oh, I did that. I did that with Extreme Elvis. After release. There might even be footage of that somewhere.

But yeah, no, I made Batwing. Extreme Elvis was this Elvis impersonator we knew. And I was eating spaghetti. We're all tripping our balls off at Death Valley. I'm like, what are you eating? I go, spaghetti, batwing your balls. And he batwinged. And I splashed a pile on there.

He ate spaghetti as a greeting people come. Hello. Would you like some pasta? You don't like pasta? Gluten-free. We'll eat it later. So what was your favorite psychedelic? Well, oh.

You know, I... First of all, I've tripped the best on ecstasy, which is not a hallucinogen, but with all the other drugs and then putting whippets on top of that. That's the closest I've come to a closed-eyed hallucination where like vivid cartoon networks like high definition, widescreen cartoon networks are building themselves and I'm like, just fucking leave me alone. Do you know about 5MeO DMT?

I know I did I did it once with Rogan and I don't know he'll tell you all fucking day to the point where you lost the fun part of the story what type of story it is and why it attaches to a protein molecule. Yeah but what about the funny part? No. Yeah it's three hours long your podcast mine's 48, because I cut out all the parts where it sticks to your protein genes. I'll spare you the science. But at the end of the day, it's fucking the craziest shit I've ever done.

And I can rattle off a whole bunch of letters of drugs you've never fucking heard of that I've done before. And this shit is like, that's it. That's where the the buck stops I mean I've never I've never done the chrome before I mean I've never done the chrome before but so I've never I've the chrome I've never done a dream of chrome before that's a but I I I really does it really exist internet you know yeah no it does we have it we have fucking babies are we trying to party right yeah, no it does we have it. We have fucking babies Are we trying to party right now? You have you said we have it like I got fucking babies for the camera. Oh, I'm not partaking

Like an old caveman a little I was I was tricked. Right in that ice. There you go. Drink it watery. Did you, uh, do you roofie me with adrenochrome right now? Well, it's a little bit of baby in all of us. Makes you forget and loosens your butthole. It's like, dual purpose. He's shaking. It's working.

I think everything that makes you forget loosens your butt. Oh, Johnny. Yeah, they... Back to the Arizona drug story. It was one of the most profound experiences I've ever had in my life. I've done it a few times since, but the first time I did it, like, holy fucking shit. Like, I was a nihilist most of my life my life fucking hated everything and after I believe in God now Like it was like for but it wears off like that feeling that that madness that you get from that shit like that

That internal boost you get for a little while. God is love and love wears off None of you have left the table to go call your wife None of you have left the table to go call your wife. I uh She's sleeping in this different time zone so the same night God and I sleep in different beds the same night the buddy that I went with He brought his daughter who's 18. She's she's a legally an adult so he he brought his daughter with him and Like they like did a fucking exorcism on her or some shit and like it was it was it freaked me the fuck out Cuz I'm like tripping balls on mushrooms

And like I get up and I go to like run out of the house and they have locked every door in the house So that the people in there can't you can't go wander out through your street and just be like You know which I went there another time with a friend of mine And he escaped and we were like holy shit because we're from Southern, California And we're like if he doesn't fucking come back like what are we gonna do? You know because he has this one here into the book you tried to do with the lady that finally shot up all your friends Hey, I had him in restraints for their own safety It rubs the lotion on its skin I had implied with several sedatives and an ankle bracelet for their own safety.

So the guy runs out and... He disappeared for like three hours and at this point... You're gonna say three years, I swore. No, no, no, no, no. I haven't seen him in like three years, but but uh odd coincidence you say that but ADD aside He he disappears for like three hours, and we're looking everywhere for him in fact We sent a scout out somebody who like wasn't fucked up like they have they have a few people like hang out that don't do anything

they're kind of just watching the handlers fucked up and and Oddly enough like somebody had left the garage open and they leave something this is a house mind you this is like some retreat or something in Peru this is like something's house in Chandler you know I mean so so we go out and and there had been a guy in the garage who's like this big fucking dude like sitting at this table just calling as everybody walks up and like at this point where they knew who we were and they were cool with it and but my friend was the X Factor like

nobody knew him like they didn't know him so but the guy in the garage disappeared oddly enough for like 15 minutes but we go take a shit or something and we go out there and fucking he's gone the garage is open and my friend is gone and we're just like we don't know what to do and so all everybody in the room is now like like oh what are we gonna do like where is he well and and psychics this is hilarious so one of the one of the people look one of the people that's like one of the you know the people that runs it you know they she's like oh I feel that he's still close and I'm just like okay we need to

find him okay what you fucking feel like I need to find my friend like he's one of my oldest friends he's like my. You know what I mean, and and I so He pops up randomly after like a few hours He just walks back into the room like hey buddy We're like where the fuck did you go like everybody's all freaked out because like now all these trip heads are like thinking like oh So we're gonna how are we gonna like we'll go look we'll go up down this street And we'll go find him and because they're just as afraid of him getting found by somebody else as I am because we're all here fucking on

drugs in this house you know I mean and so he pops in he comes in the room and he's like he's like oh hey guys and I'm like we're like where the fuck did you go and he's like oh I was in this bedroom back here he was just in somebody's bedroom in the house who like lives there who's not has no involvement in what we're doing in Anywhere for him. There's a dog in the room. He's like man. I was back there. I was playing with a dog I thought it was like part of the whole experience man, but you know Fucking kidding me. So yeah, it and that was a he was a whore deal

So that was there was just a wild ass night. He wants some snacks from Taiwan like traditional Taiwanese snacks. Not if she's had kids. It's not drugs. It's just... Yeah. Oh, I thought you were offering me your life. That's what most people that are fans, real fans, offer up is what I want.

I am definitely not a real fan. You just haven't earned that, Doug. Sorry. You haven't heard the newest one. It's not out yet. I have to say, you are one of the more gracious comedians that I've seen live because you always meet with fans after. David Till didn't have you over to his place yet?

I did. I did see David Till. I saw him with a funny bone. He's the last comedian I saw. Well, I sent you. It was funny because I got an autographed poster, and I told him, do funny bone. He's the last comedian I saw. Um, well I sent you... It was funny, cause I got an autographed poster. And I told him, uh, do one for my friend who's gonna be here. And I sent it to you. Yeah, I have it. It was one of the best preps.

So my favorite tell joke is, uh, you should have hung out, man. You know what I mean? Cause the Spice Girls showed up. You know what I mean? That joke. Every great thing's happened after, like after Dark. I don't know if that's based on Ralphie May, but I know that we both have Ralphie May stories of him doing that. Oh yeah, I mean, at the comedy story, these porn chicks were there and after everybody

left this one took me in the toilet and she blew me, dog. Sounds about right. Comedy is one of the few professions a man of that stature could get laid by a porn star. No, it was no... Well, we don't believe... We don't believe the story. ...our kids and that... Rationally, hot wife.

She's a very pretty girl. We did not believe they were a couple forever. But it's like when women marry prisoners or something. Women marry for money all the time. Tell him. No, he didn't have money when they got together. Oh, she's a real one. He doesn't get money until this year. She's right. She was doing comedy, so he, he was probably a headliner of, not a draw, but a headliner. So he would get headlining dates,

but back then it was just, okay, the comedy club, papers, the room. There's gotta be like a name for women who are attracted to funny men. Like that's the only thing that does it. For the bird, it's called chuckle. It's probably in Latin, and there's a clinical name for women who are attracted to funny men like that's the only thing that does it for the There's it's called it's probably in Latin and there's a clinical name for it. Yeah chuckle fuckers That's it. That's a real thing like chuckle fuckers are really actually Well, that's why I'm a sucker

That's why there's men are just in in general more funny is because we've had to evolve to have a sense of humor To like impregnate women. Yeah but how did yours transfer to Taiwanese? I've evolved to like Asian women. I don't know how that works. Because she doesn't get it. I love you brother. This gave you a death look. You should definitely visit Taiwan. Taiwan's interesting because, so China's communist, right? So when the Chinese Communist Party- That's what I'm saying, we're a democracy. Sure, right?

They have, yeah, I see what you're saying. But when the communists took over to China, they destroyed all antiquity. They're like, fuck this tradition, and they destroyed it. Taiwan, little island of Taiwan country is where actual China that dates back thousands of years, that culture has persisted and it's a beautiful country. He's been there. I've been there. We can vouch for it.

It's fucking awesome. See, I hate antiquity. I'm an Ikea guy. That's the history. I like the future. They have it all there. I'll tell you that guy. That's the history. I like the future they have they have it all there I'll tell you that much. It's a it's worth visiting definitely so I went to Hong Kong in 2019 Before like China rolled in just fuck you guys. We're taking it back, and I'm glad I did Taiwan might be the next Hong Kong that China took over Hong Kong. I'm glad I visited before China did take over Hong Kong He's gonna say this is about me, Doug.

It's not grasshopping a fucking can of worms. This is about me. At least I got to go there before this. So Taiwan is basically the ancient China evolved to like 2024. And I highly recommend you visit before China rolls in and fuck shit up. Yeah, I think I might miss that.

I don't know. Rolling for what? cuz he doesn't care about the history or you go to Amsterdam or anywhere else in the world yeah no I like that like I like new shit are the hotel rooms nice but sure Taipei is it's a first world country their economy super strong I know that's all he gives his shit about nice hotel room nice well check this out so how much you have a five star hotel? How much did you pay for a hotel room? How much did you pay for a hotel room?

I don't know. Right. Honey, you just told her when you have psychic feelings. You just, you drank enough that you feel now you should talk, but that's not even anything that I care about is nice hotel rooms. In fact, on my last special, I have a whole bit about, I like one-star hotel rooms as opposed to- You like to go to really bad massage parlors

I remember you saying that he likes to fly you like to go to like horrible massage parlors I remember you like to know I love to you fucking live for it did you read my first CD did you listen to my first CD and and then not ever since 2000 and I haven't been to a massage parlor since me I remember you know that legit massage maybe it wasn't a parlor but I remember you saying like hey I'm not into all the woo I'm just here for a massage because it feels good I remember you saying that along those lines you might have been no that was you we'll look it up there, you're like historians and I'm sure they can find it.

He's like me, isn't he? No, he's pretty good at everything. I know shit and uh... I might be the last legit massage. You might be, just misquoting it. Oh, I'm sorry. He got one when I was telling him to. Well, we got legit massagers together and fucking resorts and stuff.

He's talking about jack-off joints and I haven't talked about one of those since uh... Yeah. Like, uh, I laughing might have had a... about jack-off joints and I haven't talked about one of those since I laughing might have had a well that's the problem is anything you record is out forever and I might have listened to it yesterday you never know yeah that's that is a bit about that that I didn't even record like how I still get hate mail for bits I don't remember how they go. Cause my first CD that went out was like 1998. And I didn't know at the time, nobody knew that there would one day be

satellite radio and YouTube where these things would come back to life. You would just sell your CD after the show to a guy. Yes. You can have a lot of dollars that you need for gas money. As much as you're sorry. Well, you have another podcast over there. We'll do Uber eats on some more alcohol if we need to. Gas money as much as We'll do uber eats on some more alcohol if we need to I'd so I'm self-aware

I'm self-aware. I have California plates and anyone outside of California hates fucking Californians. So we're just talking about this When I drove between Tucson and Bisbee, I drove speed limit. Just cause I don't want some fucking hit cop fucking with me cause I got California plates. I was driving fast. Did you drive 140? So my... A fucking guy finished 140 seconds. He might be psychic. He might be psychic.

My record is 140. I was... That's what the ghosts were telling him was 140. 140. I was... That's what the ghosts were telling you was 140. 140! This is not a super interesting story but I want to validate your psychic claims. When I was 19 I worked at a Honda dealership and I worked in detail which means we got cars cleaned but they'd also send us on dealer trades. I have to take this model of car to fucking Irvine to drop it off and bring back this other model of car because

that's the one the customer wanted to buy. So I'm driving a v6 Honda Accord like stick shift six speed. It is the fastest fucking Honda Accord you can buy. Not like fucking hyper, it's high performance for an Accord and I'm doing a fucking 140 over the toll road from like Corona over to Orange County there's a toll road 241 and I get to the top of the road there's no cars on the roads toll road and this is early 2000s people don't use the toll road I get to the top as soon as I get to the top all three lanes have a car in it and I'm about to die so fortunately I'm a dope driver like you don't even know so I downshift slam on the brakes and I like save my own life out of my expertise from 140 to like 60

because they're a bunch of old ladies so that's that's what you're hearing is that like 20 years ago to the day I drove 140 so I believe you. He's psychic. That's my record is 140. That's my personal record. That's my PR. 140 is my PR. 140, that's my PR. You were going 120 or something today and you were thinking about the time you went

120. No, 120. You can ask him. I maybe hit 87 tops. So you're psychic, but like, you have no concept of time, like Steven Wright. No, I think I have a brain tumor now. I'm pretty sure it's a brain tumor. I have a suggestion for you.

Don't get healthcare? No, no, no, no, this is legit, this will work. Leave your ID at home, have no identification on you. Make yourself look roughed up in some way so it's believable. Walk into an emergency room. Tell them you got hit by a car. They will give you a CT scan. As soon as you find out the results, just fucking bounce and don't pay the bill. You're welcome. He's been through a lot more than that. Get a full body scan. Yeah, he was really fucked up by a car to the point where his brain wouldn't really figure out how to do this.

But it does figure out how to tell you that he's psychic if you're a chick. Including his obese sister. Is she hot? She was skinny probably. My family is, you know, that was the only thing he's ever come up with. See, I told you he's psychic. I have good genes, so...

Oh, I understand. No, he is psychic. A lot of times he calls me up and he guesses what fast food I'm eating, even though there's only two fast food places in his town. I'm pretty sure now I am a brain-sleuth. Hang on, you know what that reminds me of? This commercial break. All right, we're back.

Doug, do you have thoughts on In-N-Out? No, I don't. I've lived there for almost 20 years, meaning 19 years. And so, and I never liked burgers except for my own. I, I cook everything. I can appreciate that. He's a chef. He didn't tell you that he's a chef. You should cook for them tonight, just saying.

What you got? Oh yeah, you're fucked. I, uh. Who fucking top raw? I went and I, no, I almost picked up two for five Safeway pizzas in case we had to feed you fucks. And I'm like, nah, we're not gonna feed anyone. We have hummus.

Yeah, we have... And I get some nacho chips. I've eaten so fucking much in the last three days. That's just ridiculous. Thank you. What? I've eaten so fucking much. Because I'm from California, so I have all my cravings in Virginia Beach that are just not there.

The whole time I'm like, fuck, you know what I mean? So finally when I get back home, I have to go and hit all of these places that are like this stuff. There's never been a fast food burger that I liked. Really? Good for you.

I actually, I mean I love a fucking, but it has to be, it's like having a fast food steak from you. Yeah. There's only a certain burger I like. I hear you. I work at a farm to table restaurant. Our burgers are pretty incredible, but at least the beef we use is pretty incredible.

But I travel for food. Like I'll drive like six hours just to eat somewhere. I don't give a shit. I mean, it's my profession. So like you have to taste things to know things, you know So I've been to every major burger restaurant every all the way across America and in and out is still the best. I mean, I'm from Southern California I am biased when you factor in cost if you want the science Joe Rogan, I can give you the science why But uh, but no, it's um, it's there is there's reasons why they're the best really been everywhere

Oh, yes, would you like to know? Yeah, would you like me to tell you? I'm gonna abandon that but yeah, um, it's Restrooms back here. It's a thing. If you're just taking a piss you can go right there on the fence. There's a urinal on the fence. And a camera behind it. You can take a dump in there so we won't look. I just have to post it. I think after 19 years you might have saw like, hey Doug Sandal's hidden camera urinal.

No, that's the first girl and Jen who bartends now at the Dodd Steiner, at the Shady Dell, she was the first person to piss in the urinal. We said we're going to put... We still owe... But I don't remember her last name. Jen. And we know at least eight Jen's in town. We begged people for years, and then she was like, I have to pee.

We didn't beg, we dared. Well, we offered them bribes. It was an internal dare, but... There were bribes. It was an internal dare, but I'm a bribe We're too cool. But then when you ask Jen, she said she had to pee and you were like, there's a urinal owner She was like, yeah She was just down. Yeah, it's embarrassing. He used to go around now. She's down now That was 15 years ago. Now she's down to take a shit in it. That's I had a buddy that was his thing He was shitting urinals. Yeah, he would go around and he would shit in the universe

He's like, hey come here man. They take you the tip to show you in the bathroom He's like a check it out. And I mean, it's kind of like a That's kind of like the best form of geocaching. You know what I mean? Just kind of leaving shits everywhere all across America Well, there's a certain guy that can pull that off Absolutely. I like that. Well, there's a certain guy that can pull that off. Yeah. Like when people say, oh, that's never okay to say.

Well, no. You all know a friend that he can say that. Because you know where his heart is. You know there's a guy that you know that could shit in a urinal at your favorite restaurant. Never been that brave. No, but I think you'd laugh at doing it. Oh, yeah, this is my my mom's restaurant He did it like I'm his audience, you know When he was shitting urinals. It was pretty fucking hilarious.

I gotta say, for the time it was pretty cutting edge. Alright, Terry, before we wrap this night up, I said, ok, psychically, based on what we know, they're driving across country, we know one of their names, and he's seen me a couple times live. That's all we knew now you Are back in the year? Psychic realm that makes you call my friends at 11 o'clock at night thinking it's my number No, I I You were white

I heard you when we walked up, I heard you say it. I heard you say it, you were like, you said something about how like, But then, no, I predicted you'd be, both be wearing shoes. I predicted that one would be taller than the other. So he's driving. I think we're like similar, right? Yeah. See, I said no one drives across country and wears flip flops. I forgot a passenger would, because you're making him do most of the driving rookie. This has been all your

Want you to finish this sober sober yes, he's better at being sober so he takes over the control of the wheel Yes, he is definitely the more logical. Oh my god. I fuck you on this you go ahead I'm just talking about what you pick up naturally from talking to someone that you think, I'm psychic and I'm writing down names. He's trying to fuck this girl, it's way out of his league. But I've seen it work before, it's fucking devastating. What the fuck? But you're fucking, but he's retarded.

Like you're my friend and you're fucking derricking. Hey. But no, he's like, like. Retards can get laid like sympathy I'm gonna put this out there retards strength is real. So is retards strength in the bed real? I'd have a big cock There you go. He's just Tells you all the time and break and for time. But as an aside, oh yeah.

I had to show you at the pool. I was all the way up the hill. No, I don't remember. I believe you. But I don't remember. Yeah, if it was that big, she'd remember. I believe you, but. They only remember the biggest... Good job, Derek! It's like one of those things, like, good people don't have to tell you that they're good. There was a rumor. There was a rumor at the time.

Okay. And then you asked, and then I was like, okay. And you showed it to her? Yeah, but I was all the way across the yard. Can we get it on camera right now? Yeah. It was a rumor that... Y'all wanna see. It's not an excuse.

The Hunter S. Thompson rumor. What? Show me again. Rumor started? Yeah, he started it. Yeah. Yeah. That's the Hunter S. Thompson story when he's on,

like not Carson, but something like that. And they go, well, you said there's a rumor that President Nixon is a whatever, a pedophile or. And he goes, oh yeah, there's a rumor that President Nixon is a whatever, fucking pedophile or... And he goes, oh yeah, that's a rumor. Yeah, I started it. There's a podcast that Shane Gillis and Louis CK did where they just go through every president. Did you see that? Oh, it's so good.

It's like a history lesson, but hilarious at the same time. But yeah, they talk about Nixon. Anyways, highly recommend to people. Send me a link. Yeah, absolutely. We started this thing where, okay, you know, we're gonna try to put more time into the podcast. And I go, we should listen to more podcasts because I have no idea what everyone else does. He's blowing up right now. I'm so happy for him. I was blown up before he was super popular. He's blowing up. Yeah, he's bigger than fucking Chappell or anyone. He's not as well known, but he's bigger. He's safer. He's like a nice white boy from the country. No, no, he's like bigger. Like, people are talking. No one's talking about Chappell or anything.

The Bud Light contract was like a fucking... that was a lot. You know what I mean? I was just learning about this myself. He's the fucking Bud Light spokesman right now. Yeah, I know that. He had to bring them back because Bud Light pissed off their fan base because they had a trans person. Yeah, the trans person. Yeah.

He's their band-aid. He's Bud Light's band-aid. It's a good band-aid. Don't get me wrong. He raps it well. He drinks Bud Light on camera. He raps it well. A little out of time but I don't mind.

No, no. That's a Rod Stewart. Rod Stewart, yeah, faces or something, or was it after post faces and Rod Stewart solo? Yeah. Yeah. 15 year old understood that reference. Yeah.

Who's giving him Cliff Notes? Who's in his ear with an I of A? I had good parents, I grew up in Classic Rock. Good parent, grew up in Classic rock Good parent grew up classic rock 39 Not that I'm not spring chicken And the parents alive dead my father dead mother alive. Yeah, I'm making a pilgrimage for my dead father But it will I promise over who plays guitar? Bingo. Would you mind? That would be fucking legendary.

We love each other now, bingo, but at the end of the day, like, it's not what I can do. I would not play it because I respect and I understand. She also closes every song with her fucking curtain. I leave it. I would not ever ask because I understand already. We all gun people? I literally would not let anyone touch it.

That's why I'm driving across America. I understand. We do have Mother's Ashes. If we could sprinkle a little bit of Mother's Ashes into the guitar while she just plays one chord. Yeah. Woo! You know where those ashes are, I hope. while she just plays one chord. Yeah. That was... You know where those ashes are, I hope.

I have my father's ashes too. It's like... Mix the ashes. Mother's ashes. I remember your story about that. Yeah, Johnny Depp fucked us over. We were going to snort each other's mother's ashes and some fucking bumps.

And all the king's horses He said to all his actual henchmen out go get a fucking little tiny what Adams wrench or Allen Allen's wrench Well, he had his mother's ashes in a vial Like a necklace he wore on his neck He couldn't get into it Oh, yeah, the right Allen key So he's fucking bog guarded my mother's ashes He snorted them, huh?

I always thought plenty more mother Completely uncut mother and they're like Kind of wanted the coke part. Oh everyone's a fucking goddamn critic now What can you I won't play it you tell me what kind guitar? It's a Taylor. Oh, it's a nice Yeah, it's a beautiful Full-size. Yeah, it's beautiful He had a like beautiful, okay, he had it customized for himself. So it's like it's incredible Customized in what way I I don't know

My mother just told me the story about it and she's like when he bought it she look at it, but not play it. No No, you shouldn't you know that psychic He just said I love this psychic. I love this psychic who doesn't pay attention to the conversation dumb questions later that's already been answered Sorry, you're great. Yeah, it's a good joke. Sorry. Let me do a face. I break a lot of balls You're interesting to me that's it. I love this One on here when you read up last time. Hmm. This one. This is recent actually When did you get the fucking frog? Yeah, no, I got recent. I was gonna do this to see if I'd smugged it.

So, because I was moving out of California and my wife's in Taiwan and I got free time, I went out to Fullerton. That shit has punched in, dude. To this place that, yeah, they specialize in American traditional. I just got a tattoo for the first time. What is it? What'd you get? Well, it's not there anymore. It fell off. But it says, I got it on my callus, on my toe.

So it wouldn't fall off. But it said, hug. Couldn't feel it. It ain't falling off. Oh no, it fell off. Her callus is like, I'm scared of commitment. It's a little paradoxical, paradoxical strokes of genius.

Can anyone guess what that is? Yeah, it's a mess. It looks like backwards California. Yeah, backwards California, pretty close. It's Taiwan. It's the shape of the country island of Taiwan. Yeah. Okay, cool. This one represents my wife and the things about us. Pretty cool. Why don't you just keep a picture on your phone? I do that too. Oh Yeah, do you have tattoos Doug? Can we get matching tattoos on the floor as I pinch him we'll a small. No, that's here's the problem with tattoos Like it's upsetting enough that comedy can't be copyrighted Like music you can't like you

All your she can steal jokes. They could dane cook you. Yeah, it's completely legal I give I give Rogan kudos for fucking chasing I give I give Rogan kudos for fucking chasing Fucking Carlos Mancia out of the industry because he was stealing jokes. So yeah, I'm happy that he did that because that's just wrong Yeah, no, it's uh, it was because usually That was like that well, and it is still he wasn't cancelled, but that's as close as Comics have fucking stolen cancel culture

where they're never victims and taken that away from like deans of colleges and shit that actually lost jobs where they can't go okay I lost one gig on the road oh yeah or yeah I lost one thing like there's people actually getting fucked with. They don't like have recourse. No one's cancelling comics. There's no comic that actually, and there are people that get cancelled and comics love

to go, yeah, you can't say anything. We can't say anything. Fuck you, we. You can say anything you want, anywhere the fuck you want. But you say it's self-policed. Yeah. I mean, how much is... Who's stolen your jokes?

Somebody's stolen your jokes and you caught them. Jim Jefferies. Oh, I've just lost some respect for Jim Jefferies. Which one? He's not here. He's Australian. But he's going to... You're Australian too.

Oh, you're getting my stink eye. No, no. Listen, listen, listen. He'd already been tossed out of Australia. By the time I'd met him 20 years ago, Jim Jefferies was in London, and then he came over here doing my fucking vibrating egg in the ass bit. It was the one that fucking.

That sounds awesome. Fucking HBO special. That's my, and he told me when he met me, oh, you did that bit, and then his roommates, he goes, yeah, I have a bit like I did I did that I did your bit, but it's like How dead on were they like how dead on was it beat for beat or what? Or an internet you I'll check that out. Oh god. I'll check that out. You just brought down one of my

Comedic heroes down to like, oh you fucking enjoy it. His roommates were all comics that were respected comics back then. Really? Or when I met them all in Edinburgh and they were like, yeah. We remember when he had a similar story, but then he heard your bit on word of mouth. And then he goes, he added all that other stuff like he just remembered the other parts that are exactly your wow I would never have suspected just because he's I don't know just I haven't heard any accusations Yeah, you don't go around fucking bitching all the time about it, so I never heard about this

Yeah, no where some people would raise a big fucking stink about it. Well now it's on the internet Oh, you can edit it out fine. Nobody well. No because we're friends in I and but then I like why are you still doing? That bit if you know that I- He still does it? No, he was up until like- Well there's like a cycle right? He knows it. He did it on, we did the nasty show at Montreal and he's doing it in front of me as my opening

act. I'm like, really? Oh, he opened for you with your bit? It wasn't- It wasn't set up as an opening act, but he just went before you? Yeah. Gotcha. Okay, gotcha. Come on, Doug was the headliner. Let's not be mean. No, no, I wasn't nasty show the nasty show At Montreal when I did that Okay, they want the Andrew Dice clay nasty show they just want bad words

Fuck arts and holes yeah I'm gonna know what opinions Bob Saget's Bob Saget's never funny to me because this whole shtick is just I'm gonna say bad words and they don't see that coming from fucking what was his name in full house Danny Tanner they'll be surprised by my bad words it's like

come on man you got to like stroke my intellect better than that so I never liked Bob Saget until much as a comic I Gotta go watch the green room. I've saw I thought that's where you're going remember him I was I was exactly where you are and then he was on the green room. You know the show Yeah, well Provenza back in the day showtime It's Paul Provenza hosts four comics that are not necessarily from the same leagues or so Bob Saget was on with I believe Sandra Bernhardt, Roseanne and Bob Saget. Oh Patrice I'm saying Patrice was on. Oh

my god. Sorry not Greg Geraldo. Patrice O'Neil is my favorite dead comedian hands down. There's no competition. Patrice... I put Sean Rouse up against him on his any waify ass day of his. Sean Rouse is a sweetheart. Patrice is a bully. Takes one to know one. Bob Saget starts doing some openings. It's just like a roundtable talk show of any kind. And then Patrice starts fucking going at Bob Saget going, just say something off the top of your head. Don't read all of your fucking pre-written shit. And fucking Bob Saget just fucking lit up right into fucking Patrice. And like oh, yeah

Always terrified of Patrice Jim Norton is there oh Jim Norton is an all-time favorite. Oh my god There are people that fucking know what makes you fucking weep they know your weakness Immediately yeah, we're just talking about once again Bobby Kelly's like that as well. He's pretty good at talking shit. Keith, Philly Keith's not coming around. I was kind of drunk. But Keith Robinson is like that as well. And yeah, they're all from the same school. They're just some of them that are teachers.

And some of them are disciples that are spreading the word but just copycatting. I don't know, I don't fucking. Where I work now, I work with a comedian who he goes up, like he's a legit comedian. He's been doing it forever. He's an older gentleman. And he grew, he's a Philly comic as well. So he has a lot of stories about Philly comedy

that are pretty interesting, that feel like they're real you know because you can like take people for the face face value but um but yeah he has a lot of good stories about Philly comp comics and stuff like that and he's pretty ruthless too so I hear you like what is kind of the same kind of it's kind of like that corner is pretty good at talking shit it seems like so what's his name do you want me to say his name? I do but...

His name is Barry Jones. He's a funny motherfucker. Barry Jones. I don't remember that as well. He went by a lot of names because he's an older gentleman. And he's been doing comedy forever. Like for a long time. When did fucking bugs show up? I swear to god. Like...

Seriously. No it's... They keep landing on my drink. fucking bugs show up. I swear to God, like, four or five minutes ago. They keep landing on my drink. Yeah, they're in my cup. I got to fish them out. Yeah, let's fucking kill this. This is terrible. What do you mean? No, we're bugs.

Bugs are landing drinks. We were done filming probably at some point. Do you want to go over to the front house? Hey, sure. No, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on. And then. All right. Alex, I'd fart for you, hang on, hang on. And then... Alright, I... Alex, I'd fart for you if I could, but I can't. Shush.

Why don't you clap? That means shut the fuck up. Alright. I think we've had enough. Let's... Let's venture inside. Oh, there's a party now. Party now? This is very unexpected? I can tell you I can tell you the racial dilemma jokes

off camera. We're not off camera so grab that ice and let's go inside. Sam, I swear on my life it's been 20 minutes and these bugs came out for the first of the year. I'm going to perform.

I picked you to fool him. Okay. I take you to stay in my house. Why's that? Because I'm sexy. Because you were nice to him. And you have two feet. He thinks you need one. I'm gonna take you to the lab.

Don't fuck with my nice ass. Oh. Do you like- Do I need to sleep in my house? We're doing this. Boom with him. Alright, go ahead. This is my-

I mean, it's warm, soft, silly cards. I only screened this general. Alright, dude. I'm the most faithful you've ever met. We're going to have to talk in case I creature. He said no. Can we do one more you say yes?