The Doug Stanhope Podcast - #554 "Reverse Telemarketing - Round 2"

Episode Date: July 29, 2024

Doug and Bingo are back on the phones, this time they're committed to getting the up-sell. (Better as a watch than a listen, so go check out the video version for free at www.patreon.com/stanhopepodcast ) Thankyou to everyone who bought a book and participated! Round 3 will probably happen soonSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

May I ask if you are still with me? Could you please tell me who is calling? Doug Stanhope. That was very vicious. Well they didn't hear me the first time. May I ask the reason for your call? Telemarketing. I am connecting the call please please hold. Wow, what a bullshit fucking service that is. You say you're a telemarketer and they go, Oh, I'll put you right through. No probes. Paul, Andrew or Murray? Paul?

Paul, Andrew, Murray, are you there? Who's this Stan Hope? Who Doug Stan Hope you bought my book online Holy shit. Are you serious? Yeah? Well fucking oh, that's not why you bought it Oh, you bought it during a special that said I will actually fucking call you and Try to upsell you if you buy my book during this time period So I'm calling everyone I'm a little drunk right now. Look a little Xanax. So am I

used Yeah, yeah me and bingo. Hey Big oh nice bingo. Oh my god. Yeah, no You're a little drunk and I'm a little drunk and I forgot. Oh, fuck, I promised people I'd call them if they bought my book and then I never did. So we crushed together, get the cameras on, get the fucking microphones on. Midland, Michigan, where's that? Is that in the middle of the hand?

Is that in the thumb? Is that in the dangling sphincter? It's where Dow Chemical is, where they produce a lot of horrible shit that's bad for the environment, probably bad for my health. But I know, you were here awhile ago near Grand Rapids and I miss you. All right, well, I'm sorry that you missed me.

I lost a bet in Grand Rapids, I believe, where they said, wait, no, I think that was Flint, where there's a college there, and we went to get a Coney, and they go, this is the This is the original town of Kony dogs and I go you don't think Kony Island may Might be the originator she goes. I Heard it was here and I go. Okay. Well, that's dumb as shit

And then I googled it and she was right some guy from Coney Island Started it in Grand Rapids and I had to tip her $100 for being right. Oh Yeah, dude so Xanax and and cocktails and it's 815 or so there Yeah, oh yeah is about 815 Paul, Paul, and I don't mean to come across

as smug, but you did buy my book and I thank you. You don't just, you just somehow don't seem like a reader. Shhh I I somehow don't seem like a reader. I have read all your books. I even, I'm with pedophiles every time my little niece comes over, she sees the cover

of that book and wants to read it or wants me to read it to her. That's terrible. Why don't you put that book under between your mattresses like pornography. I display it so I look intelligent. Like I got a big bookshelf. Honestly, Paul, that's the only thing I can reread every few years and I laugh my balls off. Like I had nothing to do with it.

Anything I've done on stage, I cringe. At best I go, it's not that bad. Fun with pedophiles. I fucking laugh my balls off because I know how hard it was to write that. Like to, to keep someone on the line for as long as it takes to make a full bait. Yeah. And to be that quick when they do respond. I mean that book is fucking hilarious, but this is not fame. I probably wrote that three or four times.

Well the one you bought no encore for the donkey is my favorite. I think that's my best work as far as if I'm the only judge, I'm going to move on because you are the first of the East Coast to answer the phone. Oh, do you have any money? Do you have a, what do we upsell them to? Do you want to get the $20 mystery bag? We're supposed to upsell you as telemarketers and I do have a telemarketing trophy proudly displayed in the shot for this podcast.

You can be, we already said your name out loud, so you could be the first guy to go, I'm fine, I don't want to buy anything else. Or you could Venmo me $20 at Doug Stanhope for the mystery grab bag. I probably will do that. All right, we'll see. Dustin is a maybe. Maybe. Put it, yeah, right down, callback maybe. For rabbit.

All right, Dustin, you have been a great focus group for the rest of these calls. Go back to. I literally just bet him all you $20 and I get a mystery bag. Yes. I. Or PayPal.

I think I will do that. Yeah, I don't know where my PayPal is. I think my PayPal is at Stanhope Comedy or something. You might want to figure that out. If you have Venmo, just stay with Venmo. Yeah, Venmo me 20 bucks. Where do we, I had the fucking thing to write shit down on. Like a piece of paper?

Yeah, I had a piece of paper. Whatever, you know the fucking technical terms for everything. Hey, sorry, Paul, Andrew, Murray, thanks for all of your first names and your time and send us 20 bucks and we will send you something great. I will do that right now. And I gotta tell you, your books are right in between

George Carlin, Jim Norton Hunter S Thompson and the Koran for some reason Don't forget to get the best book. I've read about stand-up comedy. It's a novel, but it's still Basically Sam talent running the light. All right, if you don't have that, you don't have a bookshelf. I love you. Sam Talent? Sam Talent, yeah, with two L's. That's how much talent he has. Bye.

Ha ha ha ha ha. We love you. I love you. I love you guys. Bobby's getting out of prison now. Next October, so I'll be in Michigan for that. To pick him up at the gates like the Blues Brothers. Click.

All right. Well, we can't take that much time. It's five 13. All right. Who's next? Jason, Nick. Hello. Hello, Jason.

Nick. And Stan hope you can go. Yeah. This is Doug Stano and bingo. Yes. Hey, Doug, this is Doug Stanhope. And Bingo. Yeah. Hey. Shut the fuck up. Shout out, tell her to watch her fucking mouth.

I don't, you're talking to my wife with that dirty mouth. Don't talk to Bingo like that. I might like it. Put her on speaker. Are you on speaker phone? Yeah. Well, now you are Hey, dog. I love the book

Which one the one you just got hey Well, what color was it signed in? Great What? Green I think pink turquoise It's either black sharpie or turquoise sharpie. Which one? Turquoise. You get the forgery.

That's a very limited edition. I forged it. Oh nice. Even better. Yes. I went on a walkabout as they say in Australia. Went on a stupid tour of silliness and then I didn't leave enough signed books. So, bingo, forge some for me.

A whole box. I love it. All right, well. It was a great book, Doug. I appreciate everything. My wife's following me around with the camera, so. Well, good. Where is Ovid?

What part of Michigan are you in? Oh, it's like North 30 minutes from Lansing. You did downtown Lansing. Oh yeah. I remember went to see the Lansing lug nuts with Chad Shank and Andy Andrist. Andy Andrist caught a home run off the meaty part of his forearm. And then he, because it hurt, he went to the medical tent and tried to get pain pills.

We don't do that. I can't. I remember. You remember that? Yeah, because I talked to Andy because he made me bet him Oregon versus Michigan State, like five, six years ago. Oregon was favored by two touchdowns. He made me take it straight up.

So I owed him $20 for like five years. He called me a Welcher for years and I finally paid up in the comedy club in Lakeland, there so. Well, good. Now you're even and your name is cleared, Jason Nickerbocker. That is true. You're not supposed to use the KN word anymore,

but Jason Nickerbocker. Can you guys do me a favor and apologize to Christine Levine? What for? From you? She was looking for people that found, like people that were dead. Oh, yeah, and I found my mom when she was dead And I wrote like this man bestowed her so she was probably like what the fuck is this guy?

Oh, no, she's just lazy like all of us and if it's if it's too long of a fucking email with no Spacing she probably just blew it off It's too long of a fucking email with no spacing. She probably just blew it off. Yeah. So apologize to her. I will. All right. Write that down.

Apologize to Mamu. Put that in apologize to Mamu stack. I got to move on. We got most of our East Coast calls are coming up. I appreciate it. Oh wait. Yeah. Did you want to upgrade to the mystery box and send me $20 at Venmo for a mystery package?

Yes, it's at Doug Stanhope All right, I'll send it right over. All right. Thank you Write that down. We love you. All right We're doing pretty good. Oh, yeah Yeah, I know we're doing great. Yeah, but we're fucking that time-wise I gotta I gotta Keep it simple We have to figure out cuz I'm realizing the

Yeah, 20 bucks is that's pretty much just shipping. We're gonna have to That's pretty much just shipping. We're going to have to... We might have to go up to 30 bucks for stuff. Like if you want like a tie. How much is it to ship a tie? Where's Denise? Hello, this is James. Hello.

Hey James, it's Doug Stanhope and Bingo. Hi. Go away. Yeah, well of course. Is that comedian Doug Stanhope? No, no, no. The telemarketer Doug Stanhope and his wife Bingo. Yeah, I was the comedian until you bought my book and now I'm a

telemarketer trying to upsell you on a on a grab bag, a mystery grab bag. But first of all, Cambridge, are you like, isn't like everyone a just a douchebag student in Cambridge? No, there's douchebag regular people too. Douchebag employees, douchebag service workers, pretty much every flavor of douchebag you can imagine. Gotcha. After this entire career of whatever, 22 countries, all 50 states, the state I grew up I have

the least knowledge about. The least knowledge about? Yeah, like Cambridge, I just think of, what's that fucking Ben Affleck's Matt Damon movie where he figures out things. Good Will Hunting. Yeah, that's what I think about of Cambridge. That's how remote I am from Massachusetts. think about of Cambridge. That's how remote I am from Massachusetts. Well, uh, let me tell you, it does not live up to that. What has kept you there all these years? I assume you're from there.

Yeah, I grew up in the area. I've got like friends and family nearby. I've got a decent like smart fuck office job here that'd be hard to find in other place. What do you do? I work for a software company. Okay. Right there, Jason paid. Hey, we're gonna upsell you. Do you want to get the $25 mystery grab bag via Venmo? Would Andy Andres buy it? Yeah, well he's a sucker for an empty gamble, but I'm the guy that makes you go, oh my god, I can't believe I get this for 25 bucks.

You don't have to. If you have Venmo, if you don't have Venmo, that's your out. Can I pay in Dogecoin? No, no, I don't. What about PayPal or... How about NFTs? You can just say... I have so many NFTs, let me just unload them on you. Yeah, we were just joking about that with radar before he left us because I hit on a shirtless cowboy.

Alright, then you get nothing. Venmo, you have no nothing. And I didn't really want to upsell you anyway, but that's kind of the point. Let me tell you, your sales tactics are undeniable. Coffee is for closers and you earned a cup and a half. Yeah, that's a closer right there. You have no idea that you are you're speaking through a speaker that's leaning on my telemarketing trophy of Salesman of the Month from 1990. Which I could have repeated if I didn't get into this comedy racket. I quit this job.

Anyway, genius. I love you and I get on the Patreon because we're going to do some weird shit coming up in the next month or so 30 days or so it's gonna go fucking bat shit and then there's probably a suicide involved but I don't want to be a spoiler for calling thank you all right you love you first right back at you I am first. Right back at ya. Bye bye sweetheart. Hello? Ryan, it's Doug Stanhope and Bingo.

Ha ha ha, Doug what's going on? What are you doing? Uh huh, what's up Bingo? Hi! Where is Springfield between Brattleboro and Burlington? Where in the middle must that be? Uh, it's like southern, it's closer to Brattlebro. All right.

Hey, I'm gonna put you on speakerphone. I'm here with my newborn kid and my girl too. Oh, gross! Ew! Disgusting! Little pink baby with all, Gag! Oh, it makes us puke.

What's the baby's name? Wyatt. Wyatt? Oh, Wyatt, you make me puke. Yeah. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Everybody hates you. Ha ha ha ha ha.

Hey, man, it's good to hear from you. So, what you're saying, what you're saying is that this is not the most important election of our lives because if you had a kid in this hideous nightmare of a world, then you're aware that it's not really that bad. It's just all hype. Oh, it's all bullshit. Every single election is the most important one of our lives. R.F.K. or just protest vote. I voted protest vote the last

fucking since I could vote. Yeah, I only vote. I only vote for local people because Gretchen Bonaduce is she's a friend that moved to Bisbee and she's a reality star from Danny Bonaduce and her had a reality show.

So yeah, I'm voting for her because it's funny. No sir. Hey, do you like Dave Smith? I've been like obsessed with his videos. Yeah, I've known him. I just watched him on Tucker Carlson, which everyone knows is a, he's a bag of shit. Not politically, he just, all he does. Tucker Carlson, which everyone knows is a he's a bag of shit not politically He just all he does people that just stir up shit and make people angry or afraid are awful

No matter what wing they are And I thought I saw Dave Smith because you know I ran for president with knowing nothing and I saw him on there, like breaking down whole fucking tax, fucking economic structures. I was like, wow, you're smart. Yeah, he's a smart fucker. Yeah, there weren't a lot of fucking jokes I'd repeat. Where you go, oh, you know the funniest part of that?

No. But I, anyway. Yeah. that no but I anyway do you have Venmo yeah what do you want to try and sell well I'm right right well who are you rooting for in the NHL hockey tonight Oh shit man I don't pay attention to sports. What? Nah. Me neither. If it came down to it the Bruins, but I don't even know who's fucking playing. Oh wait yeah no the Bruins, wait no that's the Celtics. Alright, do you want to buy a, do you have Venmo?

Yeah. Alright, send us $25 and we'll send you something great. That's so weird. But you know I'm fucking bingo and I are like, we're going to send you way more than $25 worth of shit. Yeah. I read Noah Encore in like a day. It was a good laugh.

It was good. Thank you. I found your audiobooks. No encore in like a day. It was a good laugh. It was good. Thank you. And what about your audiobooks? The first two, I liked the audio version and the third one I went, I wrote this to be read, not spoken aloud. So I'm glad that you did it right all three ways. Yeah, I'm pretty sure I got the bingo-sized copy. Did it right all three ways? All right, we're fucking we're killing it send it because because you're these calls are being

Yeah, right here. Okay, you get a prize Three hours earlier than you we got a bang out these fucking East Coast While people are still awake on a Sunday night, so I I love you wait a hand. That's this Tyler is next Aaron did we talk to- Yeah, Aaron. Oh, Aaron Brown. No, I haven't got to Aaron Brown yet. No, we haven't. Oh, we haven't.

Take a good extra heart on him. Where is he? He's in Keen. Keen Hatcher. No, we don't even have him in the thing. Not down here? Look, there's plenty of- No, no, no, those are, this is East Coast. Honey doesn't,

hang on, I have a telemarketing trophy right here that you should respect that I know what fucking time zone we're calling. Oh, you do know that. I'm sorry, I don't want to hit my wife on camera, but sometimes you have to break the mold. I will see you one day, hopefully, and not the, I love the Wilbur theater, but I want to just spend my dying years playing fun, tiny rooms. Well, dude, that's so the Wilbur, you were supposed to play it

the day the COVID lockdowns went down. I was there, I was in town. Yeah, we were like ready to drive from Vermont. Like we had a crew of like four people drive down and see you and like we just planned on it. And then fucking the whole world locked down and we just got wasted. Yeah, I went to a lot of towns that were just shutting down

while I landed, the plane landed and they go, go back to where you came from but yeah we'll be back and be you know what if you want to fuck around I don't know if you're on social media but I do a little bit of it but I'm trying to just stay on Reddit because it's so fucking out of just. That's all I do. Like I deleted Facebook 10 years ago and I'm not looking back. Good. Yeah.

Get on my Reddit, because that. No dude, I do. I respond, hey, I'm the dude who sent you that song, got to get out of Worcester. Oh, OK. All right. Thanks. You're not the one who sent me the Worcester hat and t-shirt,

are you? No. Someone sent me that and sent me the Worcester hat and t-shirt, are you? No. Someone sent me that and sent me an extra large and I go, I'm five foot seven if I can stand up straight. With a good posture, I don't need an extra large and the hat was for a child. Oh, okay. We drank a few times after some bars. So next time I see you, I'll fucking get you drunk. Yeah, all right. Well,

yeah, please be on the Patreon because I don't know. Well, you probably can't travel from that far. But yeah, we have a Farts Fest number two coming up at the end of July. But that's going to be like Willy Wonka tickets yet to be fucking on board on Just get on Patreon and we're coming we're coming hard by Hey, hey, yeah. Oh No, you're getting a gift bag. We have no idea. Just send 25 bucks.

Send us money. I'll send it to you. I'm on Venmo right now. Venmo. At Doug Sanhope. Sorry. At Doug Sanhope? Yeah.

Bingo. You should be taking care of the sales part of this. I forget to even sell people in here. Send money. Ding dong. All right. All right. All right, man. Hey, it's good to hear. We love you.

Love you too. Bye bye. Yeah, we don't have to yell, I think. Oh, Tyler. Am I yelling? No, I'm yelling. I'm always yelling. We both yelling.

Star six, seven. We're going to Pittsburgh. That's a four one two. I was going to say a two one five, but that would be Philly Oh my god, he's got an apartment number and it's up for John You have an apartment number 429 that means you're on the fourth floor some Shithole date is I only considered myself a successful comedian when I go I never

have to play Dayton Ohio again oh Jesus Christ you're gonna talk shit on Dayton right now my god I wanted to say I love you and I love you yeah that's bingo, bingo, but I don't know if you've heard of her through the media Social Yeah, I've heard Yeah, yeah She lives up to all of her reputation. I think my Expectations you've been drinking on Instagram live all day. Holy shit. How are you using a phone right now? Well, I realized oh fuck we never did that call people that bought the book thing.

So we're doing it now. Oh hell yeah. Is there an elevator at the 429th floor of where you live, where you're in apartment 429? I didn't give out the address. But do you have to walk up four flights of fucking stairs? Oh, just because we know the people of Van Dyke Street that went out there and did that. Woo, woo, wee.

Touche. I like that. Do you have Venmo? There is no, there you have the shithole. Why do you hate Dayton so much? I think I asked you once before and you didn't answer. Well, because the club, the club, specific club, Jok club specific club,

Joker's and Dayton run by Lisa Grigsby, one of the nicest people in the world, but a very strong headed, I can't say pig headed woman, strong headed, she, it was called the Joker's Comedy Club home of the ultimate Bachelorette party. Now, if you know anything about comedy, the bane of the existence of a comedian's world is a Bachelorette party.

There is nothing that could be worse and they celebrated it where they had like the entire lobby sold a veils of dicks for Bachelorette's little tiny plastic dicks on a veil and people would go, hee hee hee hee hee see the little tiny dicks. Yeah, it was the worst. It was the worst and I am once I now I'll go back to play that fucking out of town What town is it John Ulrich?

that the actual Improv slash funny bone is in when when they tell you You did the Dayton funny bone, which is the bullshit mall over there Yeah, which is not in Dayton all of the at the end of that tour. I Was a regular bit that Every funny bone slash improv there to the same thing now. It's like Hardee's and Carl's jr Every Yeah, well what town is the Dayton one in because they're never in the town

Hey, you're playing the Albany funny bone You're playing the Dayton funny bone. You're playing this but none of them are in Albany or Dayton. Where is the Dayton funny bone? Talking like two towns over in Beaver Creek, it's like the Liberty funny bone which is they claim as Cincinnati, but it's in the fucking halfway between Yeah, well Always be a go bananas man from Montgomery That's a way to go man. I bombed so hard there one time. Holy shit Oh, you're a comic so I can't even upsell you to a fucking Venmo grab bag You can't upsell me. I'm here to haggle with you on something. What what do you what do you need? What do you want?

You can't upsell me. I'm here to haggle with you on something. What? What do you need? What do you want? Uh, if you recall, I am the guy who called a favor on the Nickelback. You what? Say that again? You want what from Nickelback? Uh, help me out with the backstage passes for uh... Wait, you're the fucking guy that I got backstage to fucking Nickelback? I'm the fucking guy.

What? Holy shit! I just picked up my phone to call Nickelback to put you on the phone together and I'm like, wait, I'm on the phone with you, I can't do that. Wow! Wow. Wow. Yes, I was doing a caller ID pop up and like, this ain't Stan Hope. Cause then you texted me the picture the next day. I'm like, man, did he get that name right? And then on your to-do list, it was like, well, I got a sort of jambalaya out.

Then I got to get to the- Is she still alive? What's that? Is she still alive? She's hanging on. Good. Wow. Text me her number.

Yeah, we should call her. Oh, I can do that. Yeah. Oh, you call her. You call her. Do you have a burner phone? Woman to add her in? Yeah.

Yeah, do that. What's her name? Amber. Shit, I'm going to try to add in fucking... Nickelback. Nickelback. Mike. That'd be killer. I'm gonna try to I'm gonna try to add in fucking back Mike Phone in old micro and call sure. I'm calling him right now Get my cup there. Oh man, I'll be so cool cool and we're back all right

you're still with us You're still with us Hello, this is Gilbert They are hello This is not the number read No, he's probably offline getting that lady They'd be great to talk to her Hello, that didn't work. Yeah

My words of voicemail chemo stuff. Yeah. Well, hey fuck you Both nickel-back mic and that lady with cancer I'm not gonna bilk you for... Oh wait, no, I'm gonna bilk you. I have to bilk you. I have this fucking goddamn trophy. $30. How about $30 and write down John Ulary $30 gift bag, grab bag, and then I'll give you a $30 gift bag. I'm not gonna bilk you for $30. I'm not gonna bilk you for $30.

I'm not gonna bilk you for $30. I'm not gonna bilk you for $30. I'm not gonna bilk you for $30. How about thirty dollars and write down John O'Leary thirty dollar Gift bag grab bag It's gonna be some fun shit Yeah, thirty bucks send it that Venmo add Doug Stanhope and Yeah, and make sure all you cuts That we're doing this make sure you go to my reddit page fuck everything else of social media go to my reddit page where I'm comfortable and show

pictures of what we sent you. Alright, I can do that. I'm going to reverse telemarket you. I need one thing from you. Yeah If I send you the picture of your cancer kid Uh with nickelback flipping you off And can I send it to 212 van dyke to get signed and send it back? Yep As long as as long as you have the send it back things where we can yeah bingo's great at that Oh my god, I was born in 93. I don't know what reverse postage pre-stamped bullshit is,

but I'll figure it out. No, and address it to me because I'm good at sending you back. It's called a Sazy. Look it up, youngster. I'm calling Livonia, Michigan next. I love you. I'll see you next time.

Bye, sweetheart. I'm your way. All right, see you guys. Thank you, love you guys. Bye. Get on the fucking Patreon. Get you guys. Bye get on there get get on the fucking patreon Get on the patreon. All right, good. Bye. I see love you. That was cool. Oh Man cancer pants Is this out of the country there's too many numbers

out of the country there's too many numbers there there's too many numbers there no I put a star 67 oh so they can't, oh good job James Myers at Stanford yeah it's me and bingo and the Australians are in the background but they're just tech people at this point yeah what are you doing fucking morning radio at night so what do you do with that voice John paid No, unfortunately, I've chosen a path that actually make money. So no, I'm not. Oh So what do you do with that voice John paid put John paid fucking 30 bucks? Yeah

Sorry, I don't know So how many open mics have you done zero He picked a few things, that's all. So how many open mics have you done? Zero. Really? You have nothing to do with the entertainment industry with that voice? No, I really don't. Although I've been hearing it forever,

you know what's funny is like I just hit a spot where like I'm like, God, you know, maybe I have enough free time to actually try that shit now. So we'll see. All right. Maybe if you come back to Detroit, I'll try to get it there and like you know Mouth off early and see if I get attention. You know who's moving to Detroit

Sam talent what you yeah Sam Talins moving to Detroit his wife fucking caught a gig as a doctor and Even though he's now probably making more money than her He's uh he's he's following He's got to be planned. You know what if it all falls apart Sam talent make sure you lean on your wife Yeah anyway, yeah, let's Cut to the quick and then we'll get to the socializing part. do you have, let's cut to the quick

and then we'll get to the socializing part. Do you have, what do you call that? Fucking Venmo. I do have fucking Venmo. All right. Do you want the $35 grab bag that could have some really cool shit in it? That sounds great.

Wait, is there like like can you get one of your suit ties in there it definitely all of them include a tie and better yes I so so $35 send it toduxstandhope while we're talking. And now we're talking. I did this first, I did this the first time. I go, I'm just happy you bought my book. And now this time, no, you're gonna have a fucking, send me a goddamn Venmo?

That's easy. That's the easiest decision I'll make all day. All right, Myers. Lavonia is near where? Cause I have to, I don't know if you, how close you are a follow, but Bobby Caldwell notes from the pen. He's getting out of prison next year in October and I want to be there to pick him up now

I don't know what Livoni is near. I know he's from Traverse City, but I don't know the penitentiary He's in right now, but I want to be there like fucking Is it Jake or Elwood? Who's the one picking? Yeah, LL. Elwood's picking up Jake. Jake yes we're gonna be there yeah we'll be there yeah I get hey hey do you have any do you have any advice for me because the next call is to a lady and I don't we don't have many of those her name is Amy which is my wife's name yeah I don't usually call women don't have many of those. Her name is Amy, which is my wife's name. Yay.

I don't usually call, women don't ever really talk to me. So I don't know. You have, how should I approach this? Couldn't imagine why. That was rude. All right. All right, sir. I will see you soon. I'll see you on the road.

We love you! Hello, can you hear me? Can you hear us hanging up on you? Yes I can, have a great one. Oh wait, you're sending us money. I am. Alright, then we'll wait. We'll definitely wait to make sure you didn't fuck up.

We'll wait. We'll definitely wait to make sure you didn't fuck up. Oh, God damn it. Just for the record, we don't really need your money, but we'll take it. And we'll give it to people who don't also don't need your money. But we'll take it. It's kind of like Robin Hood. If Robin Hood was like, oh, well, you're pals of mine and not you're poor or starving. You're just like, hey, well, Derek, you know, he drove all the way to LA. So yeah. Are you there?

I am. Yeah, this will work eventually, guys. I don't know. I look for it? I am. Yeah, this will work eventually guys. I don't know. I look for it. I call, I'm calling the payment shit.

So it might stick out. All right. Well, we'll wait for it as we call other people, but then you're gonna be on the next podcast, which is the Deadbeat Collection Agency. You said you were gonna send us $35 and you said shit Shame on you Google gobble Google gobble One of them all right, I love you. I gotta get fucking get caught up with the East Coast. Love you. Bye

and get caught up with the East Coast. Love you, bye. Thanks for the call, guys. Bye bye. That was funny. Wait, no, this is a new one. Amy is new. How much fucking? I don't know.

Hello. Amy Andrews. Is this Doug Stanhope and Big O? Yeah. fucking Amy rider honestly, do we know each other cuz your name sounds familiar One of my questions on your podcast one time I rode in I'm from Mount Pleasant, Michigan Leslie, do we know each other? Cause your name sounds familiar. One of my questions on your podcast one time, I wrote in, I'm from Mount Pleasant, Michigan. I wrote in cause I had this new boyfriend. I used to be a hooker and I'm not anymore. Dating this new guy and I was wondering,

do I tell him or do I not tell him? And Chad Shank was over that day and you guys bullshitted about it for a little bit. I ended up telling him and it went terribly. He didn't want, it didn't go good. So I'm not going to. What did you tell him? I might.

How long, hang on, how long has it been? How long has it been since what? He decided he didn't want to be with you. About two years. He decided he didn't want to be with you Would it be a funny thing or a not funny thing if I tried to call him and Put it like let's let's all three of us talk I Don't think he'd appreciate I don't think he'd appreciate it as much as I do fuck that guy

All right. All right, cuz I I can be very charming Actually, we came to see you at the road dog Q&A down in Chicago. Whoa We kind of hung around afterwards, but I got shy and I presented my boyfriend So I'm coming up and approaching you as you're walking to a bar. Ah I Only went there. I only went there hoping someone would talk to me What's that? I Said but we're such a big fan. So so what are you gonna upsell me on today? Oh, well, we're doing

Because I forgot to do all of this Hey, oh shit. We never did the I did that whole fucking. Oh, I'm gonna crash on people's couches thing Like a day after I told everyone I'd call you for if you bought a book So now I just remembered I have to call everyone who bought a book. So now I just remembered I have to call everyone who bought a book. So now we're just gonna upsell you. Do you have Venmo? PayPal.

PayPal is even better. Oh my god. You're gonna get an even bigger gift than if you had Venmo. Venmo people, they're stupiders. Stupid-ors. Stupidi-ors. PayPal. Venmo Venmo people they're stupid is stupid oars stupidity or Yes, you send

Stan Hope comedy, I think god damn it They get Stan Hope comedy Well, I don't know I'm using my phone. Can you someone call Chaley? It's a Stan Hope podcast Whatever my PayPal is Comedy or Stan Hope podcast and see if yeah, look at those two. Um Well, I can't do anything because my phone's the only gadget i have in play does anyone have a phone that knows chalee's number oh yeah i do do you want to hang up and call

me right back no i never want to hang up on you you're the only woman so far in our entire exploits. Oh shit! Oh, okay! And it's nice to have a friend. And I wear my Abortion is Green shirt proudly around Mount Pleasant. Get some love for it. Hey, just curious, what size t-shirt? I'm an extra large.

I'm like 200- I was gonna guess. Small heifer guess I hate to profile the lady fans of mine but I would guess XL is the most common well I like it the best you want to show well it's also this the same size as most of my male fans. But I think the one ticket is the most common thread between my fans. Just one ticket. Yes, call fucking Chaley. I forget why now.

You need to know what your Venmo machine is. No, she might buy my to know where... No, my... My... My... My PayPal. Yeah. Hang on, Amy. Okay.

I'm hanging. I don't think I'll pick up from here. Oh yeah, that's right. Bingo's calling, but he's gonna... How are we gonna take out the main line? Are you re-registering? Well, we don't have there then. Alright, tell you what, I don't want to make this painful. You could text me when you find out what you need. No, just go on dougstandup.com slash store and just buy something. I absolutely will. Alright.

And when the payment comes through, you'll know it's me. I will always love you. I will always love you. Hello? Hello? Hey Chris, it's Stan Hope and Bingo. Oh, hey. Hi.

Hi. Hey Listen we've been drinking and there's no way What are you drinking? Like some weird wine. I'm in fucking San Francisco. I live in Boston, but um In San Francisco and I just got like a bunch of wine and I'm sitting around drinking it. I want some wine Can you get me some wine? I can mail you down. No, not you know, I'm talking I was talking about local locals This guy named Mike Schmidt he's gonna be very upset about the sound quality if I don't enunciate Hey, do you have Venmo? This like a thing you put on the podcast or something. What's the deal with this? No, we're live Yeah, we put it out as a podcast

But the last time I was a pussy and I didn't try to upsell people through Venmo or PayPal do you have Venmo or PayPal? That's around your house? I have Venmo. Yeah. All right. So it's a $40 fucking magic bag. If you send me 40 bucks at Doug Stanhope on Venmo, you're going to get a fucking... yeah. It's a mystery bag full of bullshit. It's a mystery bag. Absolutely bullshit? Yes! Absolutely pay $40 for that! But I'm really good about it that you'll get shit that no one else will get.

Yeah, I don't care what's in it. I can trust you. Pretty way to sell it on KC. Yeah. I'm gonna enjoy it. Mostly because I'm trying to be retired and it's not working so I have to go back out because... $40 just to get right over the limit.

Yes. No, no, you're the first. I've been upselling everyone. I started at $20 and they're going to get not as good shit as you. Now we're at $40. Yeah, I want the premium package. Does he want a picture of your... I don't know, I don't know.

We have $40 but I'll send you... I'll scrape premium package. Does he want a picture of your... We have $40, but I'll send you... I'll scrape some together. Well, I might send you $45 back. I don't know. Yeah, we'll see. Yeah, you might get all confused. Lost in the virtual now.

I think everyone... I'm talking to my Australian... Australia's. Can you try to remind me to send at least a two dollar bill in every package? Everyone gets two bucks. Oh that's very kind. Oh that's just too nice. Well no, we have these fucking two dollar bills for fucking, what, three years?

We've been trying to drop deuces what i'm trying to uh we're trying to spend fucking ten thousand seventy five hundred dollars in two dollar bills yeah we did the drop hashtag dropping deuces tour like three years ago yep anyway uh what are you doing uh where the fuck are you? Where is that guy? I'm in San Francisco, which I fucking hate. Business? I don't know. I don't know how you even moved out where you are from. Where are you from? Worcester? Yeah. Yeah. I'm from Boston and like I moved out to San Francisco years ago and it just...

I just hate the people here and I hate the weather and the sky looks weird and I don't know. Some people loved it. I guess that maybe Arizona's different. I mean it's definitely different. I wish I had British Jonathan's contact information because that would be a guy like, oh I found one guy I can drink with. And that's British Jonathan. And he's up there somewhere in the polyglot of fucking,

whatever you call your business. I don't know. Anyway, I don't care for it out here, but I'm out for the week for a wedding. And it happened this weekend. Oh, oh, all right. I thought you moved there. All right, you motherfucker.

Hey, send me money. Providence now, it's fucking awesome. Providence, Rhode Island, I thought was a shithole and then moved there recently and it's fucking awesome. I think Providence is probably the sister city of Deuce on. Like, it's like, all right, it's very near other cities that are actual cities. It'll never have their own bugging

but yeah Providence Oh prize Providence has the Well, oh no Worcester has the Paws Hawks that was Providence's Shit I keep hitting the fucking wrong button All right, I have to go on being I'm losing you. I think yeah, no, no, I'm fucking up. I'm hitting the wrong buttons. I gotta go. I Love you very much. I'll talk to you soon Thanks for the call. All right. I'm gonna venue demo you 40 bucks right now in there

All right, you know send me something nice or don't Don't you worry? Don't you worry? You've earned my $40 from years of entertainment All I'm asking you is go to my reddit when it when your shit shows up go to your My reddit and send pictures of what I sent you. All right. Thank you. I can do that. All right. Love you. Bye. All right. We have to fucking hurry up. These people have to go to school in the morning.

Nothing. Please leave your message for. Help. It doesn't matter, it's better. Hey, it's Doug Stanopenbingo. We're trying to call you to say thanks for buying our book, but I guess you're too busy. You're too busy.

I don't want, why are these telemarketers always calling during my dinner hour? That's what I say. All right, I'm gonna call Brendan Rompaback. How about you? Yeah. All right. Goink. Brendan Brendan Rompaback. How about you? That. All right. Goink.

Stoink. Padoink. Reach and stereo. Oh, he bought two no longer for the donkeys. That's a fucking brand new. Your call has been forwarded to voicemail. The person you are trying to reach is not available. At the tone, please record your message.

When you have finished recording, you may hang up. Hey, uh, Brandon Rampa, Rampa Stompah. Rampa Stompah, Bompah, Bompah, Bompah. Okay, thank you for buying the books. It's Doug, Stand Up, and Bingo. We love you. Hey. See, I called that guy Brendan Rompel but yeah

fuck all right let's just move on I think I called one guy and I called the wrong guy is it my toilet yeah go go to it we're gonna talk about you. No. We're talking to Mississippi. This guy's, yeah, who's he gonna tell? Hello? Kyle, Jesus Christ, save me from this fucking nightmare of calling people. Yeah. Yeah.

I'm just getting to the fucking central time zone. Most people were East Coast. So I went, oh fuck, I forgot I have to call all those people. Now we're getting into the Mississippi. Yeah. Why are you a fan of mine and in Mississippi? Yeah. It's a few of us out here. You know, we don't always think we have comedy clubs that you can visit, so...

Yeah, but you can leave there. You can leave there. I live on the coast. It's actually a beautiful place. The rest of it's all John Grisham nonsense, you know? As long as he keeps writing those books, he keeps people out from coming over here anyway. All right. Well, I can appreciate that. But if it's a good opportunity,

right if I put in the contact info, I thought there's a phone number from the TV show, Fallout, that if you call it, it's a California number, it's just like 30 minutes of somebody screaming. That would be hilarious to have you call. And see what comes up. Collins California numbers just like 30 minutes of somebody screaming Well, I appreciate you buying the book do you have Venmo I Do all right. Yeah, do you want to buy the? the hero package for a hundred dollars on Venmo, which would be something that would be in a Doug Stanhope Hall of Fame.

Like a jacket or a tie that's been featured on something. $100? You're going to have $100 Venmo? Yeah, I could do it. All right at Doug Stanhope You fuck you throw $100 Venmo. You're getting some shit and it's gonna be on the the what do we call? Reddit that's the one that we like now All right, it's a All right. Yeah, I'll send it up. Nah, fucking nah, hang on, I gotta write it down.

Bingo's supposed to be here doing all this. Kyle Fields, Ocean Springs, Mississippi. It looks really good, man. I've gotten about halfway through it. It's really well done. Thank you. So congrats on that. I've read all this.

Yeah, that's the book that, I'm sure there's overlap in the tone of it, but that's the one I, I go, yeah, read this. The other two, listen to the first two on Audible, this one, read it. I was impressed with the literary prowess on it. I was very, like, Hunteress on it. I was very

like Hunter S Thompson at the beginning. I had some really laugh out loud moments. Well I appreciate that. Have you read Sam Talent's Running the Light? Sorry say that again. Sam Talent wrote a book called Running the Light which I believe equals it's about stand-up, which I believe equals, it's about stand-up comedy, but it's a novel, it's fiction, but it might as well be not fiction. And uh... No, check it out. Yeah, Running the Light is one of the best books I've ever read in my life.

It rivals Fear and Loathing. Pretty cool. Yeah, check it out. and rivals fear and loathing. We're cool. You know, check it out. And I'll get to the Vinmo you have with this reverse telemarketing, get the hero back into whatever that is. Yeah, I'm writing it down on your lead.

All right, well cool. $100 hero, there you go. Once you're fucking, yeah, once that comes through, you're gonna get some shit that is, you can't get anywhere else. I'm gonna send you something. I'm very good about this, trust me. All right, I believe you.

You're gonna get a poster that no one else has. You're gonna get a one of a kind something. Sounds good. All right, I love one of a kind something. Sounds good. All right, I love you. Looking forward to it. All right, awesome, thanks man. Bye, guy. Wow, I'm fucking killing it.

Please record your message. When you have finished recording, you may hang up. Hey, Cliff, this is Doug Standup. I was calling because I promised to call people who bought my book but since you're in Waterloo, Iowa I would really appreciate if you didn't let this get out that I'm a huge ABBA fan and I don't want you to ever release my voice message that says, Wadaloo, Wadaloo baby, Wadaloo.

Wadaloo, Wadaloo baby forevermore. Wadaloo, Wadaloo baby. Don't ever let that leak. I'll call you back in a minute. (*phone ringing*) I'll call you back in a minute. And we're back. Your call has been forwarded to voicemail. The person you're trying to reach is not available.

At the tone, please record your message. When you have finished recording recording you may hang up All right, thank Cliff. I tried my best. It's Doug Stanhope you send us a $200 to At Doug Stanhope on Venmo and then you're gonna get some But you're gonna get some serious shit because you have been upgraded and elevated in your experience But it would have been more fun to just talk to you

Nick Stan hope Venmo $500 to at Doug Stanhope on Venmo and Just For recompense for not answering the phone when they called you and then you're gonna get something great in the mail That you know fucking Johnny Depp should have done for me. Yeah So yeah at Doug standup. All right, bye. Well, you get back in here. Hello there. About time you answered the goddamn phone. Why Alabama? Why don't you just leave? Did you have babies, Charlie? Why Alabama? Why don't you just leave? Did you have babies Charlie?

Yes, do what now I said did you have babies there's gonna be a reason you're an adult and didn't leave Alabama That's exactly why I need to be a refugee and get the fuck out of here but I got away at least another seven more years until my kids are 18 and can do that don't want to leave them strangling behind. All right well I don't know where you would go I think at this point with prices of real estate going through the roof, you're probably going, oh wait, where people are gonna end up. Yeah, you could be like a swear engine from Deadwood by just staying Hoover, Alabama. Hell yeah.

Did you finish the book? I finished your, not the most recent one, but I did finish your last one, or digging up mama or burying mama. I'm sorry. Yeah, yeah. It's still, it's on the same day. Yeah, dude. That tremendously helped me because my mom, at the time when I was reading it, just a

few months ago, my mom was also going through cancer and things like that. It really resonated with me, and I was really envious of the relationship you and your mother had. Me and my mother don't have that depth of the relationship. That's what seems really like something that you really cherish. And I would too, that the depth that y'all have. Well, I appreciate you.

I appreciate the fact that you entertained this entire phone call. We are going to ask you if you have Venmo. Oh my God. Wait, hang on. First of all, what you're doing... No, no. What you're doing is you are trying to count out out you're thinking because he lives in a remote state

You are saying he's poor you're saying cuz he lives in Alabama The whole point of what we're doing is to upgrade using telemarketing. No, no, upsell, not upgrade. Yes, upsell people. Okay. Yeah, we're trying to upsell people, but you think, oh, he must be a poor because he lives in fucking Alabama. I thought maybe he had a heart, not as a poor.

He doesn't have a heart, they have heart disease down there, not hearts. Yeah, real love. Real love. Hey, do you have Venmo? Oh man, I love you. Charlie, I'm sorry about the domestic that just happened in front of you. And I know you wouldn't be a witness, right? Either way, do you have Venmo?

We have to at least get one dollar from you on Venmo? We have to at least get $1 From you on Venmo or otherwise Coffee's for closers, honey Do you have Venmo or PayPal where you're gonna send us at least $1? Yeah, I've got a bit no I can send y'all I can send you a dollar let me find a pen or something at Doug Stanhope to add Doug Stanhope At Doug Stanhope should be enough. No, do you have to write down my name? No, I didn't know if it's like a phone number or something I'm gonna have been my words man. All right. Well, there's also

PayPal did we figure out my PayPal? It's it's Stan Hope Comedy. I had no PayPal in years. Well, send it to me. I think I heard it on eBay. Send it to me, bingo. Yeah, just, yeah. Oh my God, we're calling a lady next to us.

I would be happy to send y'all all my money if I had much. Oh, I would love you as you. How much do you have? Shut the fuck up, I'm trying to fucking close the deal. I got 200 bucks and two kids to my name. 200 bucks? Alright, well how much do you think the kids are worth on like, uh, what do they call that?

The dark web. What? Well, they are white, so they'll probably fetch a premium just for that alone. Oh, alright, so they get Epstein money. Oh man. They have their kidney still too so. Right send us one dollar at Doug Stanhope on Venmo. We'll send you something pretty. Awesome. No we want enough for a dollar. Okay we Well, say something ugly. Awesome. And I got the stickers you sent with the book too.

Thank y'all so much for that. That was a nice surprise. Well, you get those stickers, you put them on you and then you have them tattooed like through the sticker. Well, I'll tell you, y'all are doing the Lord's work out there. Thank you so much. All right, I put down just right down on for Charlie that he promised to send a dollar. We have no factual evidence. But if you send $20 or more, we'll send you something fun One dollar will just get you a

Alright, you know, it's like a dose are hard to come by in Alabama. It's been a long time. Oh, babe. What's hard to come by? Alright, you know if you get on the top echelon of our Patreon, you might be able to come to Farts Fest number two in July and see all the things behind the screen in the Willy Wonka Chocolate Factory of the Fun House. All right. Bye now.

We love you sweetheart. All right. Thank you all so much. I'll send you all the dollars. All right. All right, thank you all so much. I'll send you all dollars. All right. All right, babe. Promise to send me one dollar, is it? But I haven't written down.

What's the next one? We're up to a mountain times zone. Oh shit, I have noodles on the stove. There we go. I have noodles on the stove, I'll be right back. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Hello? Sarah?

Yes? Stan Hope. Holy shit. Hey. And Bingo, my hope? Well, Bingo just, she just remembered she was cooking something on the stove. She'll be back.

Oh, well, if I'm supposed to tell her I said hello. Hi, it's good to talk to you. Tell, tell stove. She'll be back. Oh, well, if I'm just to tell her I said hello. Hi, it's good to talk to you. Tell Bingo that someone's actually intrigued to talk to her stupid head. Hi, sorry, yeah, so they're going to get Bingo. No, no, no, no, I don't want to show up. I just wanted to be sure and say hi,

because I had bought a couple of your previous books and I bought her book and I just I just Yeah, thank you Both you guys so and I've met you before I was friends with Inman. I met you here in Denver I saw your show in New Orleans and Nobody's friends with Inman People just know Inman. They're not really friends with Inman. People just know Inman. They're not really friends with Inman. Well, you're not, but I kind of am.

I am. I'm trying to be funny. Oh, well, you don't have to try. I'm trying. A bit more of a reach for me. Anyway, I thank you for buying the book. I forgot that I had to do the telemarketing part of it. Anyway, I thank you for buying the book. I forgot that I had to do the telemarketing part of it.

Oh, here's Bingo. Hello. This lady wants to hear from you, not me. Oh, I love that. What is her name? Sarah. Sarah, who? Hello, hello.

Hello, how are you and who are you? I'm doing fine. I'm in Colorado. I'm just a Stan Hope fan and a fan of yours as well. I have enjoyed both of your guys' books. Oh man, that makes me feel so special. Oh, you seem like a pretty awesome lady. It'd be great to have an iced tea or a coffee or something. I recently quit drinking myself. Okay. So I have to do the sober thing. But next time you guys roll through Denver, if you're with Doug, I'd love it. Denver? You're in Denver? Well, I'm south of Denver. Well, shit balls because... Castle Rock. Castle Rock, yep. No, because my little sister who is balls. Oh, cool. She just moved with her amazing

boyfriend to Denver I'm going to be yeah and so we will be in and out with seeing her well excellent so I could we could hook up for sure that would be great keep my number and anytime you guys roll through I'd like to say I would offer to put you up but but my place is a wreck. Well, it doesn't matter because I'd be staying with Kelly. I'd be staying with Kelly. Me and Sam would be staying with Kelly. So that's not an issue at all. But we could hook up for a drink or a no, not a drink, but a coffee or something like that would be great. That'd be great. I would love it. That would make my year.

Yeah, no, that would be incredible. Awesome, awesome. What prompted you to get my book? What was the thing? Or is it just you were a stand up fan? I saw it referenced somewhere probably, I can't even remember, cause it's been a year.

Yeah, it's been a long time. I'm sorry? I said it's been, you know. It's been a long time. I'm sorry. I said it's been a long time. Yeah, yeah. Well, it's been several years and being a drinker and a stoner, you know, the wheat brain cells that held those memories like kind of were the first to go.

Oh wait, hang on. I just, I won't say it out loud because we're Filming this but Forsberg is that a last name of the one of you share Which one Forsberg is in I'm just a hockey fan. Oh Well, that's the that's that that's the name of my my aunt that side of the family of Grant Forsberg no shit. Yeah, Nancy

Yeah, yeah, that's uh, that's uh, and I don't think they're Jews so you can't hold that against us Yeah, no no, they're not the Jews Fair enough, lady. That's funny. It's all love. I don't hold anything against anybody. We're all just human, right? No, no, they're not the Jews. Oh, I'm not anti-Semitic. I just hate the Jews. Sorry, it's a... That's based on an old bit that was called

I Hate the Jews. And you go Oh, that sounds bad now right actually now well now with the Gaza and the hazard all right I gotta go I had to go oh wait hang on we're gonna fucking upsell her did we upsell her? Do you have Venmo? Upsell me upsell me I'm sorry I can't hear you very well. Do you have Venmo? Venmo. Absolutely, absolutely. I'm sorry, I can't hear you very well. Do you have Venmo? Venmo, yeah. Yeah, you have to send $100 to at Doug Stanhope right now.

Oh my gosh. And you're gonna get a grab bag of- You specifically, I'm gonna throw something very special too. I know. Can I send you 50? Yeah. I gotta feed my kids this week.

Yeah, 50. 50? Yeah. I gotta feed my kids this week. Yeah, 50. 50's great. You're gonna get. Something special. And including a vintage tie. It's definitely, everything gets a vintage tie. You should do that for sure. John, and John.

Where's her page? Is this it? Because I have to put Bingo some special yeah oh yeah no we already said told someone else maybe let's just vintage tie across the board and I'm gonna get a hold of her when I'm seeing Kelly I love the stickers that I got with the book I will say that I'm big on stickers all right all right are stuff. All right. All right. Are you an extra large? You guys are all excellent. All right. I love you. We'll be in we'll be in Eugene Oregon. Wait, no, no. Portland Oregon. Yeah.

All right. We'll be in Portland eventually I mean Denver eventually I gotta go we'll see Kelly my sister I will look you up thank you darling oh you're so sweet babe I love you love you back okay bye baby I gotta take care of my pizza. Alex, thank you. Thank you for rescuing my... Oh, yeah, thank you. Can I... Oh, wait.

Yeah. Samuel Tweed, it's Douglas Stanhope. I'm having a glass of wine out of a plastic cup. Oh yeah? Yes. Shelton, where's Shelton, Washington? It's like a half hour from Olympia. It's far enough away that you can't smell the girls at Evergreen State College.

Yeah, alright. Well, what's that place? What's the place that has slot machines and Flying J truck stops between Olympia and North? The casino? Yeah, it's a terrible fucking exit. Like right between like Olympia. It's on the Highway 101. No, no, no, five, I-5.

Where you go, oh, there's a flying J there. I can Google it. Don't make me do it. Oh, the Emerald Queen Casino? Yeah, but the town is like a one, it's like four or five letters. It's like shit town. I tried to, I remember that's the first place I shared a, anyway, let's get to you. Tweed.

Yeah. Samuel Tweed video, how's that going? Oh, it's great I recorded a dog taking a shit the other day how's that selling on eBay? Not yet it's not listed yet have you read my book? I read I just actually I just got it cracked open today. So I'm about one, two pages in. So it'll last you the rest of your life. I'll make it.

I'll make it. I read your first two books, by the way. Read or listen to Read with like words like that's the worst this one You read the first two you listen to the audible the first two is audible was way better than the read This one the read is way better than the audible Well, hey Thanks for the call by the way well I just need to know

you're okay yeah well I don't know about all that but I'm alive well I don't know how I'm doing it's really it's nice to it's nice to check in you sound like you're doing I don't know I went in science Seattle before I was divorced my I have my wife dropped me off at the show and And she laughed and she picked me up and and I wish she wouldn't have picked me up. I would it would have been much better It would have saved some time. I'll be back again one day.

Well, hey, you keep doing your thing, man. And tell Andy to piss in Inman's face next time. Well, and what do you think about this? Andy to piss in Inman's face next time. Well, we're, and what do you think about this? We're plotting to steal Andy from issues with Andy and just make one podcast with me and Andy and just ditch everybody else, except for Chad. You should do that and bring,

you should bring Jim Goad along too. I just saw Jim Goad having a beef with Owen Benjamin, which is like the most two obscure people in the world. But so my, my older brother is friends with Jim Goad and he was on his show a couple of weeks ago and I work with my brother and he's been talking shit on Owen Benjamin for like the last week or two so I figure it must have, I don't give a fuck about these drama things but I figured it must be entertaining if I have the time to give a fuck about it. Well it's not really entertaining. It's going outside and

Just sniffing the farts of a butterfly are more entertaining than seeing who's gonna beef with who so yeah I I agree with you being that might have Been funnier than enough for you to come and see me I love you as a human being. One person to you, I love you. So just go out and have fun and make people smile and don't worry about who's gonna beef with who

because it's all bullshit. Yeah, exactly. Yes. Thank you very much. I love you too, Doug Sanhope. I hope you take your own advice and I'll take your advice for sure. I love you very much. I'll see you on the road. Bye right All right, we're calling now

Peter Volbeck Hey, this is Pete. Give a message at the beep. At the tone, please record your message. When you are finished recording, you may hang up or press pound for more options. Hey, Pete, it's Doug Stanhope. Go to venmo at Doug Stanhope $100 and I'll call you back and then you're going to get some fucking great shit in the mail regardless. Okay, click. Wow, it's gone to that. I see.

Let me be Frank. With you, Frank. Let me be Frank. With you, Frank. Hello? Francois? Oh, Frank. Frank? It's Frank.

Yeah, alright. First of all, me and Brendan Walsh are doing two gigs. August. I'm getting my earpods in because just was getting a weird, like wasn't being able to hear you. I apologize. Yeah, that's I might be muttering, but we will be in Portland. There's Bingo and Brendan Walsh are big Ween fans. So the ninth and tenth, I think it is the whatever the August Thursday and Friday is ween and then Saturday Sunday, we're gonna do

Brennan Walsh prank call shows Afternoon delight shows one's gonna be at Mary's. Have you been to the new Mary's? Yeah One's gonna be at Mary's. Have you been to the new Mary's? Yeah. Yeah. Let's just say, I'm sorry, I definitely, that was one of my places that drank. I know the sisters, the mom, the whole bit. The old location got condemned, so they had to move across the street,

but it's not as good. Yeah, it can't be. You can't make a better Mary's. No, I mean, it's not a better marriage. It's not a dive bar. The way that it's set up, there's like a stage in front and the only place you can sit where the bar is. It's just a horrible layout compared to the old, like the old location was great because

it was a shitty dive bar with naked chicks. Now it's more like a strip club. That's the only way I can describe it. All right. Well, I think we're're gonna do one of the shows there, I don't know if you follow Brennan Walsh, you should, everybody. Yeah, yeah, no, if you go there, that's great.

I mean, like Tracy and Virginia are awesome people. Yeah. They're the owners of Mary's, sorry. Yeah, no, no, I've been going there since Harvey's was an institution. I moved out here in 96, so that's how long I've been going there since Harvey's was an institution. Oh, I moved out here in 96. So that's how long I've been going. So I mean, you've obviously been going longer than me,

I think. Well, around the same time. Yeah, 96. I apologize, man. I've always wanted to ask you this. When you were in Worcester, did you ever drink at a place like this Chinese restaurant called the Ho Toi? Was on Park Ag if you even remember this shit?

I think you're, yeah, I think you have it a little bit wrong. That had a comedy club in it? No, no, it was just a shitty fucking Chinese place. It was just, it was, yeah, nevermind. There was one on, there was one on Mill Street. That's where I learned, I love you baby, and if it's quite all right. Wait, no, no, no, what's the Red Sox one? Neil Diamond.

Oh, fucking bop bop bop. What is it? Fuck. Yeah, it's a- That's not correct when it was, jeez, now you're fucking. Sweet Caroline. Sweet Caroline. Yeah, that's where crackle. That's not crackling was cheese. Now you're fucking Caroline sweet Carol yeah, that's where I learned that everyone's saying that when the cuz I was underage and I sneak it in there with a fake I did that was a Lee chins or fucking something chins

That was on Drunk hell for me was closing time And they would play that fucking meatloaf paradise by the dashboard light and it's like And the men would line up on one side and the women line, you know, it was just Glad I don't live there anymore. Sorry Anyway, hey, do you have Venmo? Yes, I did do a and I'm Pushing this my tele tele marketing trophy into the camera.

Uh, do you, do you want to be a hero on Venmo or do you just want to get, everyone's getting something that is specific for that. You're not getting some shit. I'm going to give you everyone who's, how about $80 Venmo can you do it I try right now I am broke I am sorry all right how about how about $10 Venmo write down he's broke I really have $2 on my account that sorry I'm late one dollars can you do one dollar? Yes, I could do one dollar one dollar and then fuck right down No, this is your Nolan right

No, I'm Frank Frank. Here you go Frank Frank sending $1 all all the money has you're gonna get way more Try to be different no no no no no No, oh, yes, so he has send a time Oh, yeah, so he has send a time No, we're gonna send you something good and this is your actual address the Woodstock Can I say pull him in the yes? Yeah? Yeah. Oh and Mowing it too. And as I said, like honestly, I can bet more you more on Friday. No, no, no add those down No, no, no, we just made a deal. no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, the first weekend of August, so just be on my mailing list.

Yeah, I am, believe me, and I'm on Patreon, so yeah. Alright. Alright, I'm gonna get- I actually don't know what your Patreon, what your fucking Venmo is, man, I'm sorry. Add Doug Stano. Oh, it really is? Okay, sorry. It's alright, sweetie.

I love you, I'm gonna do two more phone calls and then I'm done with All right Yeah, I'll see you in two months I'll see you in two months in Portland. Thank you, and bye. I love you. I love you too. When he was telling me all the great things about me, you hang on.

Yeah, yeah, of course. Yeah, you know, get your own podcast, faggot. Frump wig. Sure. Okay. Issa. D-I-S-D-A-I-S. So, Issa, we don't know.

I'm guessing man. I-S-S-A. Hello? Issa? Dias da is so is so we don't know I'm guessing man I s sa Hello, it's a Hello, is it is a or I so or how the fuck do you say your name? It's Doug Stanis, Esa Yeah, that's bingo bingo and Doug yes, what's up, Doug? Yeah, that's Bingo. Hi. That's Bingo and Doug, yes. What's up, Bingo 2? Hi, sweetie pie. Damn, I was waiting for you guys to call.

I thought you guys forgot about me. No, you're the last call. You need to always be tethered to Reddit because I don't do fucking, I'll chuck some shit out on Instagram or Facebook, but I listen to Reddit, so be there, or be square. Where are, where the fuck is Felon? You've replied to me a few times on Reddit before.

Where is Felon, California? I'm guessing it's in the uh, the the the the grapes of wrath era Panty is it be too like It's like a fucking hour and a half away from l.a in the high desert It's kind of I mean, it's kind of like bitties. It's a shitty desert town with not much to do But it's not cool. Like oh hi. It's more like farmer like bakersfield That's not cool like Ojai, it's more like Farmer, like Bakersfield. It's more like, I mean, even Bakersfield is probably better. It's more like just a group of stores and Joshua Tree basically.

Oh, you're near Joshua, you're that way. All right, that's kind of cool. Yeah, I'm up in the high desert. It's a 4,000 feet elevation. I'm from actually from Milwaukee. I came here for my girlfriend. All right, well, I'm coming there for her too. Ha ha ha ha. Hey, do you have a,

do you have a, you're the last call of the evening based on your- Oh wow. Yeah, do you have a, do you have a do you have uh Venmo or Patreon or not Patreon PayPal I don't actually well we're trying to upsell you if we can't upsell you this would be a tragic end to the night. What are you trying to upsell me? You have the book.

Yeah. You bought that. Can you tell me the signature? Is it in blue or black? It's in black. Alright so you got an authentic autograph. I was out of town and big go had to forge some so Yes, I was wondering you had an auto pen No, no, I just have a shitty Could you just like open? the book to any page and read

the book to any page and read one sentence that you think might be good so we can close out this podcast. Yes. Alright let me run into my fucking place. You take your time because we can yeah they can edit all the pauses out of everything. Oh, they're the magic of editing. Hey, say hi to Doug Stanhope. Who's that? Dan Keating. Yeah, that's the... Is that our wife? Old family there.

What's that going to be? Grab the fucking... Listen to the other one on audiobook, actually. Good work. I'm too retarded to read sometimes. I Listen to the other one on a audio book actually good work Come to retarded to read sometimes the first two you have to listen to the third one you have to read I'll take that first. I just looked for a random page. I said Let's see what it comes over this little I

People around me die it's a part of this lifestyle and this career That's a good sentence. I relate. Yeah you you you over modulated when you read that just just picks up well I couldn't understand it because he blew out the fucking all right I get people around me yeah part of this lifestyle have your have your wife read one sentence it doesn't matter what it is just have a sentence and have a read it real smoothly and sultry and we're gonna use that as a white so she can read better than me I'm Arab so gross Read a random sentence out of this book in a nice new and way This is why not too loud. Go

sultry Not sexy, but sultry there's a difference old have not figured out how to simply say One of my best friends, quote unquote. That's it. That's it. Thank you very much. Hey, thank you, dog. I'll ask you to read the book one day. We will always love you.

Yes. In fact, I was working on a song. We'll be waiting for the next part, yeah. Based on that. We'll be waiting for the next podcast. Based on that. And I will always love you. Will always love you. Hello?

Hi. Tyler, it's Stan Hope and Bingo. Hey, Bingo. Stan Hope, Bingo, how's it going? It's going pretty good. I feel a little shit-dicked as far as I might be drunk. Shit-dicked? We already called everybody.

You were in the non-answer pile, but I went back. I'm like, let's just try everyone We have our piles out of order and we miss you. We can't You were seeing who can't Patterson from kill Tony Cam Patterson from Killtony. First of all, seeing someone from Killtony is like seeing someone from the... Watch it. I don't have a bad, bad comparison. Yeah, you shut your fucking hole.

Oh, that guy did a really good minute, so I'm gonna go out and see him. That guy did a really good minute, so I'm gonna go out and see him I don't I really I don't understand to kill Tony He's a he's a friend of mine that as when I see him in a public place I go hey nice to see you Tony Hinchcliffe, but I don't go oh What a avant-garde cutting edge fucking format. I say, hey, look at that car. Oh my God, he's the worst. That's so bad.

Okay, moving on. The entire Joe Rogan experience, which includes the experience of Kill Tony and whatever it carries on is like going, Oh, American Idol has branched out into other parts of horrible, horrible. Anyway, sorry. We're calling to find out about how you're doing.

Yeah. I'm doing pretty okay. Hip Chen sounds like it was supposed to be an Asian name but stopped as a Polak. A lot of people think that, yeah. So what happened? It was like an Ellis Island name. I think it was like originally like H10. I think it was actually Polish, but they changed it for some reason.

I don't know. It looks a little Asian now. I don't know. High Street. Would that be like a like a hip place that would have a vintage shop downtown High Street? No. that would have a vintage shop downtown High Street? Uh, no. Is it Chinese? No, but that fucking,

our matching things I bought from a vintage shop downtown Pittsburgh, which I never go downtown. What makes you think? Pittsburgh is dog shit and the fucking Steelers and everyone who loves them are dog shit awful people but we went down there and it's just like just driving around Pittsburgh is like if you can imagine the deer hunter has five o'clock traffic it's the fucking worst it's just this awful ugly fucking town with fucking moles as birthmarks and

But that's where I got those fucking the whole matching Hawaiian shirt Just tell me oh, I don't know if he's Chinese are you trying hip chin? Can I tell you something can I sing him one song like a Chinese song. **** Is that a thing? Cancel that motherfucker. Our editor is right here and he can edit that out. Don't worry about it. Can I have one of those? I'm scared of myself.

Thank you baby. I'm scared for yourself and others. Oh my god. Alright, yeah we fulfilled our calling everyone who bought a book obligations and then now we're doubling down to make sure we didn't, no soldier

got left behind. I appreciate you so much. I love it. I would get on the top level of Patreon I appreciate you so much. I love it. I would get on the top level of Patreon. Actually, no, no, it's all fucked up. It's like a $25 level. Alright, I got these Australians here. We're gonna fucking... We're gonna fix a lot of problems. One more question. Are you Jewish?

No. Oh, I could have said... Fuck love you sir. We love you. I love you too. Okay. It's gonna get weird get on Patreon. Okay. I think we failed that one. You did not sell them. Oh we didn't sell them? We gotta call them back. We gotta get five dollars out of them. He's not Jewish. He's not Chinese.

We need five dollars. We can kill a lot of these lights that are making me frown.